#189: When Words Wound: The Silent Killer of Relationships and How to Fight Back

Do you often feel overwhelmed by constant arguments and emotional distance in your relationship? Are you tired of feeling like every criticism or disagreement is a personal attack, leaving you hurt and defensive? Welcome to Love Shack Live. Our podcast is designed for listeners who find themselves at a relationship crossroads, facing daily conflicts and a growing emotional gap, yet yearning to rebuild a bond that feels genuine and lasting. We know the struggle, and we're here to guide you through it. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship expert with years of experience helping couples just like you. And I'm here with my co host and partner, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke. Together we bring a unique blend of professional insights and personal stories to guide and support you. Have you ever wondered why some words and actions from your partner hurt so deeply, even when you know they don't mean to cause you pain? And why do you take things so personally in relationships? And how can we stop this destructive pattern? In today's episode, we're diving into the heart of why we take things so personally in our lives. We'll explore the concept of personalization, what it is, why it happens, and how it becomes a cancer in our relationships. More importantly, we'll share practical strategies to help you break free from this cycle and build a stronger and more intimate relationship. So join me and Brooke and Tom as we uncover the secrets to staying true to yourself even in the heat of emotional moments, and learn how to transform conflicts into opportunities for deeper understanding and closeness. Let's get this party started, should we?

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

I want to begin this conversation by talking about a true understanding of what personalization is. Is. You might, like me, have people say, oh, you're taking it way too personal. And maybe when somebody says that to you, you kind of go, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean, I'm taking it personal?

Well, it really hurt. And it feel. Feels very personal because it was. You directed all your emotion at me.

Are you saying I shouldn't care?

Wait, what do you mean? How can I not take it personal?

Exactly. And that's often how it feels, doesn't it? When somebody says, don't take it so personal. Don't take personal. Oh, yes, I'm just supposed to get over with, I don't. I shouldn't care, or did you not.

Mean what you just said?

Exactly. So let's really talk about what personalization is first as we dive into this conversation. And I want you to know that understanding personalization is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships because it is what destroys them. Like, it's no little thing. And so we want to break this down for you. So what is personalization, really? It stems from our own personal fears and insecurities. And here's the kicker. The more insecure I feel inside and could feel inside about a whole host of things.

So within me. When you say inside within me. Okay, so the more insecure I feel within myself.

Let's talk about some insecurities that we might have right here. Let's just cut to the chase. The more fear and insecurity I have as a person. Okay, let's say I have some insecurities about the shape of my body. Or I have some insecurities about my past relationship experience. I have some insecurities about how I talk. I have some insecurities about how people have judged me in the past. These things become sensitive to us as a person. Like, I live my life in the world and we don't consciously think about it, but when somebody hits on a sensitivity that I have, it's going to bring up that emotion in me. So I'll just give a personal example. I'm a 6 foot tall woman and I used to want to be a very small, petite person. Well, now that's going to be kind of a problem. Right. And so I would walk around in the world and all somebody would have to say to me is, oh, you're the tallest girl in the room. And I'd go, ah, don't say that. That really hurts my feelings. People would look at me like, well, you are the tallest girl in the room. Yeah, but do we have to talk about that? Or gosh, you're really strong. I bet you could lift £200. Well, thanks for noticing.

Or you're very loud.

Because you're very loud. Your presence in the room really fills a groove.

Could you tone that down a little bit?

Yeah. And you start to kind of go, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my God.

Yeah, I was a very tall kid, but instead people would say, you're so big. And I'd be like, okay, well, could we say tall maybe? But like, why do we have to talk about the size? Can I just be a human? And then people would be like, how's the weather up there? Oh, thank you. Never heard that before. Like, come on. Yes, I relate to you on that.

Yeah. Or listen, if I want to be seen in the world as kind of kind, empathetic, thoughtful, and yet I continuously find myself in a place where I'm being viewed as. Not that I can take that very personal or become Very sensitive about that. So every time somebody sees me outside of being kind, empathetic, thoughtful, compassionate, I might go, are you saying I'm not a compassionate person? Are you saying I'm not kind? I mean, that's how it would start to act out. We're kind of getting ahead of ourselves here. But you see, the fear and insecurity lives in me and we all have it. There isn't a human being on the planet that doesn't have fears and insecurities from the myriad of things that we've lived through in our past experiences, whatever they might be. And ironically, my fears and insecurities might be because of the size of my body, being big or tall, but other people insecurities might be because they're short and small. They would love to be called the tallest person or the strongest person in the room. So it's not a universal thing either. It's very unique and dynamic to what I've lived through, the fears and concerns that I have about me as a person, about how I'm viewed in the world and how I'm viewed as by others. So this stems, personalization, stems from my own fears and, and insecurities. And the more insecure I feel inside, like the bigger these issues are for me, the more external validation I'm going to crave or avoid. So, for example, if I want you to see me as a kind, compassionate, considerate person, I love it when you tell me I'm those things. But I also take it very personal when you don't see me in that light. And I might even jump to conclusions that you're not going to see me in that light based on how insecure I feel inside of myself.

So there's a lot going on there.

Yes. And I just want you to see that, for example, Tom couldn't manage my fears and insecurities for me any more than I could manage his fears and insecurities for him. I may not even relate to them. His fears and insecurities probably don't make any sense to me. They're not my fears and insecurities, so don't worry about that.

Thank goodness I'm missing about my hair, right? I mean, I'm okay with that. You're bald.

Yeah.

No kidding. I love it. It's really easy. Low maintenance hairstyle.

Yeah, I think that's a really important point to realize as we talk about. Yes, you're right. The possibilities of what these fears and insecurities could be within any given unique, human, or, I don't know, astronomical I wouldn't even know how to mathematically calculate that. And the thought and the idea that I'm going to be able to empower or control somebody to manage those, for me, is a big illusion in the world of personalization. So, yeah, I mean, just let that soak in.

How would. How would I ever be able to take that on? You wouldn't.

I wouldn't because you don't relate to my personal fears and insecurities.

Yeah. But I think it's a very commonly held belief that I have held in my own relationships that if I tell you something is off limits one time, then you better not ever bring it up again, and you better remember that forever. Mom, too. Stacy just said that that's not what we should expect of our partners. But, like, for instance, the weight thing. Okay. My ex husband was very disrespectful to me about my weight. I think for him, it was out of love. For me, it felt like a personal affront every single comment he made. So eventually, everything he said that I personally construed to be about my weight was a personal attack. Every single time. I would say probably 75% of the time, it was not meant that way on his part, but to me, it was chipping away at our emotional safety. But I didn't really know how to say that or express it. And so it just became a huge, you know, roadblock between the two of us. So much so that in my current relationship with my fiance, Jack, I brought a lot of that baggage in, and we started this relationship kind of on those same terms where anything about my body or the fact that maybe I needed to get healthier or maybe dropping weight would help us get pregnant, any of those things were off the table and impossible to speak about because I just took them too personally. What I didn't realize until maybe, like the past two years is exactly what Momtu just said, is that those things are for me to figure out. They're not for my partner to, you know, walk on eggshells every time he wants to speak to me about something. I can't expect that of him because I'm going to be disappointed every time because he doesn't have the script that I have in my head of how I want him to phrase it, or like, you know, maybe on my period, I'm more sensitive or I'm very hormonal, so it's not okay to talk about that today. He doesn't know any of that unless I say it. But also, it's totally unrealistic to Believe that a topic can never be brought up in your home again. That's silly, you know, but we hold these. These very sensitive, tender parts of ourselves in that way, when the truth is that we just need to figure out a new way to talk about it, or we need to be more open about how things make us feel and more forgiving if our partner happens to make a misstep or say something that we take personally.

Or if your partner is struggling with their fears and insecurities through a myriad of behaviors we'll talk about in a moment. It doesn't have to do with you.

Yeah.

And that's the part where don't take it so personal. What I am experiencing from you is you dealing with your fears and insecurities that nine times out of 10, I don't know anything about this is also how we feel dismissed. Because if your fears and insecurities aren't my fears and insecurities, I'm gonna go, oh, don't worry about that. We'll get over that. That's no big deal. Why are you worried about that? You should be worried about all these other things, which are going to be probably my own personal fears and insecurities. Those are the ones I'm concerned about. Those are the ones I want you to be mindful of and help me manage, not yours. And so we have to get to a place where we understand this simple principle about personalization. The more insecure I feel inside, the more external validation and sensitivities I crave, the more likely I am to take things personally. And we can find ourselves in a place where we're a hot mess all the time because we take things so much to heart. I. E. Meaning I make them about me. I loved what you said, Brooke, when you said 75% of what your previous partner was sharing with you about your body, you took as an attack when it probably wasn't meant as an attack. He was simply trying to express how he felt, but having no touchstone or ability to understand how that was impacting. You didn't know that it was a problem, even though you were saying all these things. And very often, that's how it rolls. I can get so lost in my own fear and insecurity, and I'm so sensitive to anything that's being stated or said or expressed, that then we can start making it all about me. I can start making it all about my own fears and insecurities to where we can't say the word egg without you going off.

And I just want to Point out to anyone who's in a similar spot with their relationship, with their self image and has a partner who maybe can eat anything and never gain weight. And so they don't know what it's like to live in a larger body and all the baggage that comes along with that. I just want to invite you to do some internal work and figure out some things that make you feel better independent of your partner so that you can start to build that relationship with yourself. And it makes it easier to take things less personal when you feel better. It doesn't have to anything to do with losing weight, but like going on walks, just getting a better relationship with your body and how it works. And the reason why I'm saying this is because in the world of personalization, just like Stacy just said, you can say egg and it just, you know, all hell breaks loose in your house because you're so sensitive. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing. But you can't let this one issue that you have rule the roost of your house and your relationship because that's what happens. We become so sensitive about these certain things and then it, it takes conversations off the table because you'll see, okay, if we start talking about this thing, it's going to lead into the egg. The egg, meaning the thing we can't talk about when pretty much everything leads into that, you know, so it literally, I have been in the position where I've cut off the communication in my relationships because this one topic was off limits. And that's not good either. You know, that just puts you more and more into like a little box of isolation where you can't talk about things because you're so worried that you're going to be in the space where you're taking things personally.

Yeah. And when we take things personal, what ends up happening is then we take on the other's viewpoint by thinking we have to correct the narrative, we have to fix it, we have to show em where they're off base. We have to tell them where that's not the case or how to do it, or not do it next time where they're wrong. And then sometimes we'll even pressure them into saying what it is I feel like I need them to say in order to validate me because I'm desperate to make sure that you feel the way I want you to feel so that I can comfort myself. And I'm trying to control and manage something outside of me to, to quiet and manage my own fears and insecurities inside of me. And this can get to such an extreme place that what ends up happening is I'll drive myself to extreme measures of trying to convince you, prove it to you, show you, and I can continue to escalate that by justifying one more thing that I need to do or explain or criticize you for, manipulate you for, control you for. And so what ends up happening, unfortunately, as you can start to see, I become a version of myself in this place and space that I don't feel feel good about, which then adds to my sensitivities and my fears in the long run. So when I'm going down this place within myself, it actually has more impact on me growing my fears and insecurities than it does on me trying to get what I need from outside of myself from others. And that's really important that we understand that I pay the ultimate price for any personalization because it's the dismantling of me, it's the self doubt in oneself that's going to escalate my need to prove you or show you where you're wrong. And in that place, I end up dismantling myself from self esteem, confidence, and it grows my own fears and insecurities.

It also kind of makes you unapproachable by the people that you love the most because they're scared that they're going to hurt your feelings.

I must do whatever is necessary to defend myself, right? Without realizing there's nothing really to defend. We don't need to defend so much as we need to understand and be able to share and talk about it, even if it's hard. So defend is not shut the conversation down or try and avoid it or show you where you're wrong. Sharing is help me understand what you're coming from and what you're seeing from your point of view and perspective or this is really hard for me to talk about my weight right now. I'm really struggling with this conversation. It causes me to go all these places, we can still talk about it as long as I don't defend as though it is an attack. And that's what personalization does. A very simple way that we can all wrap our heads around. This is something that we probably experienced in grade school where I am with my friends or my playmates and somebody starts saying things like, you're a liar, you're just a big fat liar. And I'm having a memory where I was like, I'm not a liar. I'm crying because inside I'm like, I don't feel like a Liar. No, I didn't just lie. I'm being blamed for something I didn't do and I'm having a full on meltdown. A little kid next to me is, yeah, you're a liar. And was is just really loving how they're getting a lot of emotional reaction out of calling me a liar. And I remember my teacher pulling me to the desk and saying, stacy, are you a liar? And I was like, no, I'm not a liar. And she says, then why do you care what he's saying? And you. I went, there was just a moment, you know, in my eight year old self where I kind of go, yeah, point. If I know I'm not a liar, then why am I so uptight about being called a liar? And then you start to realize there's a fear about people perceiving me as a liar. So I feel like I need to somehow convince them that I'm not before I can let it go. When actually that's going to take me into a place where I'm going to feel worse and worse inside of myself because I'm creating more and more doubt and dismantling myself in that conversation instead of just going, I'm not a liar. Say whatever you want, I'm not a liar. So that's what personalization does, basically taking other people's opinions and actions to heart that then question or cause us to question our own worth, our own integrity, our own skill sets about things we can be or not be, the way we did it or didn't do it, who we can become or not. I mean, when those things start to come into play and to question, then we feel like we need to defend it. And that's how we know we're stuck in personalization. So personalization shows up anytime we feel like we're being called names or labeled. It can show up when we're being told what we can do and be. It can show up when we're being accused or blamed for things that we don't feel like we are or did. It comes from being attacked verbally or physically. This is, by the way, someone taking their own fears and insecurities out on you. Personalization can be afoot if another's refusal is present. And trying to understand where your perspective is is, I'm taking this conversation so personal, I don't even want to hear what you have to say about it. I don't even want to have that conversation. Okay, well then we know that personalization is afoot. Something has been said or done that you don't even want to talk about. And like Brooke said, you're not even approachable. We can't even go there to explore and understand things, because in your personalization, it's going to lead you to these places of conflict, defensiveness, manipulations, verbal and physical abuse. So these are the things that take us down that path, these personalizations, the impact on relationships leads to defensive behaviors, as I've said, conflicts, emotional withdrawals. And so these are big things. And that's why I call them the cancer of our relationship. Because this personalization, I eat the management of my own fears and insecurities that then I take personal and feel like I need to right the wrong by defending myself, lead to all of these other behaviors that destroy really myself. And they can get me into a catch 22. For example, if I share a vulnerability with someone about myself and they share some vulnerabilities with me about themselves, and then all of a sudden I feel attacked from this person, and I take their vulnerabilities and I use them as a weapon, and I start punching them exactly where it hurts to get back at them. In my own ability to defend my fears and insecurities, the catch 22 will be, I now have had this experience where I know personally I've used people's vulnerabilities as a weapon. And so now being aware that I use that as a weapon, I'm going to be very cautious about sharing my vulnerabilities with someone else because I don't want them to do the same thing to me. So I've just created a prison for myself where now I won't allow myself to be vulnerable with somebody else because I know what I do with them.

And wouldn't you say, you know, we. We work with people all the time where maybe they've tried to step in and have one of these vulnerable conversations in a new way, it didn't go very well. And they think, oh, man, I won't be doing that again. So we maybe tip our toe in the water, if you will, and try to come at it from a different place, and it blows back against us. And that's why it creates a like, oh, heck, no, I'm not doing that again because I tried it once and it didn't go well.

Yeah. And really, the person who are using people's vulnerabilities to defend myself set it up so I myself won't allow myself to be vulnerable to protection. Exactly. Because I'm doing it, I'm aware of it, whether it's conscious or Unconscious, that's a scary place for me to tread. Think of the inverse of that. I respect and value people's vulnerabilities, and I know that I don't ever, even when I could use them as a weapon. Now I am going to free myself up to such a place where I can be open and vulnerable, because I know I can respect and honor my own vulnerabilities and other people's vulnerabilities. If I have a fear and an insecure place inside of me that I'm a monster because I mistreat people when I feel like I need to defend myself, that I'm going to be very protective of me with others. And that's kind of the catch 22 that happens. And that's why I say we pay the ultimate price for the way that we show up. This is also why we'll see if I'm justifying acts of betrayal and dishonesty. I'm always afraid and insecure that other people are being dishonest with me. That's another version that's very common of that. Because I'm doing it. I'm now afraid in my fears and insecurities that you're doing it. And so I put myself in a prison. I actually inflate or exaggerate my internal fears within myself. Okay, does that make sense? That's a really important piece that sometimes we don't talk about when it comes to some of these behaviors that I, the person who is mistreating, manipulating, defending, acting out, essentially because my feelings are hurt, pay the ultimate price because I know at the end of the day what I'm doing, and I have a really great story to justify why I'm doing it. But nonetheless, I know as a human being, if I will do this, then others will do it to me, and then it really starts to limit what I'm willing to do in that ability to protect myself. I was reminded today of a story that happened several years ago where I was teaching a workshop in relationships, and I'm a very huggy person, to say the least. I have had to learn in my adult life what personal space is. I'm very up close and comfortable with most human beings, I would say. And so I've had to learn how to get cognizant of people's space and boundaries. But nonetheless, please know if you ever see me in person and you say, hey, Stacey, I'm a podcast listener, or hey, I'd love to come and work with you, or I read your book or anything like that, I'M probably going to reach out and touch you. I'm going to probably give you a hug or say, oh, this. And if you're not somebody who likes that kind of thing, just warning, you're probably going to have to let me know. So anyway, here I am in a workshop and I am inviting people and welcoming people. And of course, you know, some people are hugging me and I'm touching a shoulder or an arm or shaking hands. There's a lot of physical contact that's going on. And there was one elderly gentleman that came in just as with the workshop was getting ready to start, and I put my hand on his shoulder and he literally jumped back and said, don't touch me, don't touch me. I said, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And then he says, you should know that people don't like to be touched. You should know that this is very inappropriate in places such as this. And I said, gosh, you know, I, I hear what you're saying, and I value your perspective, but I also want to just expand your thinking a little bit, that, that we all don't feel that way as human beings, and we're going to talk about that in the workshop so that I, I, I hope that that can expand your thinking along the lines. But listen, I hear you and I won't touch you anymore. Please make yourself comfortable and we'll get the workshop started. And the lady in the audience raises her hand and she says, I like to be hugged. Can I come up and get one? And I said, absolutely. And you should have seen the guy, you know, he was just clenching his fist like it was just intolerable to think that this was all going down in his presence. And then he jumped up again and blurts out, don't you know the inappropriate things that happen between teachers and students? And I said, oh, my goodness, I do know. And I have read a lot of stories and research about the inappropriate things that happen, not just with teachers and students, but human beings of all places and spaces. And that's not what's happening here. Physical touch doesn't mean we're being inappropriate. I hope that you don't see it that way, or at least I would invite you to consider that as a possibility. So he sits back down, fifth chair. And I just want you to see, if I was taking any of the things personal about how I touch or hug or engage with other people, this would completely dismantle me as a facilitator, and I wouldn't be able to honor his perspective But I also don't need to correct or write his narrative that it's okay for me to feel very comfortable about personal touch and the appropriateness of it. I don't need to defend it. It could have derailed the entire conversational workshop. And here's the kicker. The gentleman came and showed up for a private session in my office, like three weeks later. And I was shocked. I didn't think he would want to have anything to do with me. But actually him experiencing that, me not taking it personal and not getting defensive with his outburst, he knew he was doing, he wanted to work on what he could, had been a problem in his own relationships for many, many years. Not just with his wife, but his children. And so these are things that have the ability to be a destroying force in your relationship, but they also have the ability, if we can stand in what we know to be true about ourselves and see our own insecurities and fears flashing and manage those and be constructive with those, they can actually also be the catalyst to help us grow and expand in ways that we can't even imagine. But we have to find a rooted place to stand within ourselves as these fears and insecurities flash. Now, that's going to be what I call your emotional pushup. This emotional pushup starts with a concept that I want to teach you called planting your flag. What is that? I want you to imagine that when I can look inside of myself and just simply declare what is true for me without lashing out, without attacking, without getting defensive, without having to write anybody's narrative or perspective, I literally anchor myself in this moment in time. It's a place where I can go, this is what I know to be true. This is what I feel, and. And this is who I want to be in this moment. I'm going to anchor myself there. And even though people might start pushing on me, I can anchor myself in that knowing. I also want to be as open as I possibly can to other perspectives. And I want to be able to be self aware and objective within myself. But ultimately I get to make the call about what's true for me and what's not true for me. That's the important piece. I can listen and hear what you might think and feel, but I get to decide what I think and feel. I can value your perspective, but I don't have to agree with it. And in that planting of the flag, it secures me in my own experience or in my own bubble of awareness. Okay, well, you might be saying, well, Stace, what if that awareness is wrong. No problem. There will be something that helps me see it, if I'm observant. And then I can choose to take my flag and move it. I'll pull it up and I'll change my mind and go, you know, Tom, that was a really great point you made there. You're right. I need to look at that, and I'll spend some time and do that, and I can plant my flag somewhere else. Now. This becomes my place, where my awareness is and my own objective perspective lies. Maybe sometimes it's not even objective. Maybe I just need to plant my flag because I don't want to lash out or defend myself in any given moment in time. So I plant it just to find a foundational place for me to stand with inside of myself. Those are important things. The problem, and what we typically do when we take things personal, is instead of me planting my flag and making the call for myself, I give that flag away. It's like, well, I guess you know what you're talking about about me and about how I think and how I feel. So I guess it must be true. You plant my flag for me. You tell me who I'm supposed to be and how I'm supposed to feel and where I'm supposed to go and how I'm supposed to do this and what's possible for me and who I can be, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And I give my flag away and somebody goes, no problem. I thought you'd never ask. I'm going to tell you what to do. I'm going to tell you how to be. I'm going to tell you how to say it. I'm going to tell you who you are and what's possible for you. You're going to do it.

The proverbial giving your power away.

Exactly. And that's how it happens. And then I find myself trying to jump through hoops and twisting myself into a pretzel and getting more and more personal by the hour, trying to defend. Trying. I don't think you're right. I can't believe you see me in that light. That really hurts my feelings. How could you go there? How could you say that? Well, that's me. And an example of me jumping through a lot of hoops because I don't have the ability to plant my own flag again. Planting my own flag is me looking inside of myself and saying, this is what's true for me. This is where I'm at. This is what I'm thinking. This is what I'm feeling. And you know what? Gosh darn it, it's good enough for now. I'm going to stick with that. That's what I know to be true. It takes me back to being that 8 year old where my teacher says, are you a liar? And I said, no, I'm not a liar. And she says, then why do you care what he's saying? That's the place that's planting our flag. You're right, I'm not a liar. I know I'm not a liar. So carry on with your bad self and say all these things. But I know this is what's true for me in this moment when I'm objective and open. I can listen to what you have to say, but I still need to thread it through myself and decide how I agree and don't agree with it. It's my call to make because it's my life and I'm the only one that has access to the intel that I know to be me or not me, not anybody else, nobody else can make that call but me. And sometimes I don't want to make that call because it takes effort. It's work that only I can do. But I need to know how important it is because if I don't, I'll never have a strong sense of self and I'll take everything in my life personal.

I think that's what you said is so important it's easy to miss. Or yeah, okay, you know, I mean, but if you really grab onto the essence of what Stacy just shared there, that will allow you to maintain this foundational place. And then all of the stuff coming at you, I mean, it may sting a little bit, but that's the place where you can stay rooted because, well, it happens to be where I'm at right now. I mean, like, you don't have the intel, I do. So if you really look at it objectively, thank gosh, you're right. I mean, it keeps you in a place of true north, so to speak. It's really irrefutable. It is. You may get some pushback on it and that's just, you know, more emotional push ups required. But that's truly the place when you get good with you. All the other stuff seems to not really have a whole lot of essence to it anymore, as cliche as that sounds. You just keep going back to getting really good and clear with who you are, you know, and the other stuff just kind of doesn't have the zing that it used to have anymore. What it's really quite a concept, but it's such an easier place to manage as well. Well, because it's fully within your control where everything else is not.

It's very empowering when you start planting your flags for the first time, like, okay, I hear what you're saying and this is where I am at. And we'll give you some verbiage here in a minute. But here are some sure signs that your partner might be personalizing situations or you are yourself. Reactions. You're reacting. There's your sign.

Such as, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard anyone say.

Huh? I can't believe you'd go there. Did you just say I was fat? I can't believe you said I was fat. That's it. This conversation's over. I just took something personal, very personal. Or my partner is sharing, you know, and they're going on about something that they want to share with you, and all of a sudden I cut them off and go, oh yeah, well, that's not as important as what I've been doing today. What I've been doing today is doing blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. I literally just made it about me. I just literally stopped listening and, and walking with somebody else. And because I'm desperate for the validation that I too can struggle, that I too am good, that I too am important and valuable, I'll usurp the conversation. So signs that you are or your partner is personalizing a situation, react. My fear and insecurity causes me to react. I may not even know why I'm reacting. I just know I am.

And those can take all types of flavors and colors and the whole gamut.

So self awareness through observation is going to be required to see personalizations or you won't notice it. And this can be a mind blower for those of us who are extremely sensitive to being aware of governing ourselves appropriately. And we just go, how do you not see this? How are you so unaware? Well, it's because I need to be self observant, to be self aware. I need to be able to say when I'm flashing, is this about me or not about me? Where do I end and somebody else begins? Does this have anything to do with me or are they reacting and it's about them? And that takes some practice. And if you don't feel like you're so self aware right now, that's okay. And I also want to just be honest and say self awareness comes and goes. Sometimes when I get all spun up, I don't get so self aware either. I'm too spun up in what I'm feeling in the moment to be self aware. And it won't be later, it'll be later when I come back around and oh yeah, I need to be a little more self aware. So it's not like this place you arrive. It's a place that I'm mindful of. I need to come back to again and again and again and I might even do a check in point. I know I certainly do when I'm starting to get spun up, you know. Okay, Stace, be self aware. Where could this be true for you? Where might this apply? Just listen and take it in. You can always decide where you're going to plant your flag, but if there is some valuable feedback here, you don't want to miss it. Maybe there are some things I need to take a look at and I want you to see that's very different than somebody says something you don't like. You stop listening, you get reactive, you shut the conversation down, you attack. And now I've added to the conversation and the mess because now they're probably taking it personal and having hurt feelings and now they're attacking back. And then I use that to justify going in deeper and saying more things that I'm going to regret on the backside and reacting more and then they're going to do the same and we have this cause and effect that's going to play out there.

Classic race to the bottom right there.

Yeah, we're not going to get anywhere and we're going to say and do a bunch of things we don't and that we regret later and that we can't take back. And the longer we stay in it, the more vile it becomes.

You have to be careful because even the best of us can at some point we can be very easily drawn into that. Well, then, you know, time to put the gloves on because I've had enough.

And you know, this experience always takes us to the same predictable place. We even get to the place where we won't have conversations because we know it so precisely takes us to the same place, but we just don't know what to do differently. And I, I want to really step into that here as we start to land this episode because I want you to have phrases and skills that you can use in your own life to help you in these critical moments. It's important, it's necessary reflective questions to ask yourself to determine if you are personalizing something. Am I reacting to someone's opinion of Me, Am I willing to understand someone else's perspective or am I attempting to force them to adhere to mine? Am I reacting or responding to those around me? Am I asking for what I need or voicing what is not working for me or am I acting out?

All those are good. Those are really good.

Those are great self reflective questions. And it's okay if you're taking things personal. Just stop, pause, push the brake pedal, recognize and realize I need to go spend some time with myself to gain some clarity on where I need to plant my flag. You know, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. I need to be able to do that translation so that I can bring those sharings to the table so that I can share it and understand myself better and that my partner can then have an opportunity to understand where I go when these fears and insecurities of mine come up.

I mean, the first place of growth, and you've heard us share this before in any of these skills and frameworks that we share, often is, is to be a powerful observer of us slipping into these places that we go emotionally. That's huge because before that we're just going on autopilot. So to have the recognition like, oh man, I'm becoming a hot freaking mess right now. And they're not necessarily attacking me. I'm just really, really messed up inside right now and I am a hot mess. I need to take a break. That's beautiful. And that's great to ask for because we have to slow things down and most of us are not good at slowing things down, especially when we've been triggered and someone knows how to push the exact button to really tick us off. I mean, let's just be honest. And so just take a self analysis if you will and say, you know what? I'm really becoming very, very triggered right now. I'm going to need to take a walk around the block for a moment and then let's come back and let's re restart this whole process. That's a great first step. Huge.

Yeah, I love that. The awareness that you're spinning up and then your next step is to, to push the brake pedal and go pause it so that you have a minute to kind of ask yourself those reflective questions and then to decide where it is you want to plant your flag. And here's some questions to help you plant your flag. How do I feel about this? What is true for me in this moment? Where might they have something for me to observe about myself? Where could I relate to or understand what it is they're attempting to say and then pause and breathe some more. And then you're going to come back to the table and there's probably a sincere ask or something you want to create or do with your reassurance, with your comfort, with your experience. You want to come back to the table and ask for. I mean, so many times we spend so much time reacting and escalating these places of personalization within us that we never stop to think about what it is we would really like to do instead or what is it we would really need in order to feel comforted or reassured or supported. In those moments we just react and expect them to know and the truth is they don't listen. Managing ourselves is a full time job as an individual. Like, it takes a tremendous amount of what I call emotional pushups and everybody needs to be responsible for their own. Because when I have to start feeling like I gotta do yours and mine, I gotta figure me out and you out, it's overwhelming. I can't do it. I don't have the capacity to. Sometimes we try, but then I turn into a shell of a person. I even have more fears and insecurities because I can't get dealing with you feeling good. I'll never get me feeling good from that place. I'm not even focused in the places and spaces that I can actually move the needle for myself. I've got too much on my plate. So I need to say, okay, I'm the only person that can manage my fears and insecurities and you're the only one that can manage your own. So if you're coming at me, you're attacking me, I'm going to know right away this is something that's happening inside of you and I'm going to do my best to not take it personal. And so here's some phrases that you can use if you by chance find yourself in such a place. The first one I would suggest is I'm sorry you see me in this light. Like you're coming in hot. You're, you're attacking me. You're kind of reacting. There's my sign. It's personalization at foot. And I could say something like, I'm sorry you see me in this light. I'm going to take a look at that regarding what you've shared. But please let's pause this until we're in a better place to share more about it. Because if we continue down this track, I'm going to say a bunch of things I don't mean I don't want to do that. I'm committed to not doing them. Here's another one. I want to hear what you have to say, but not like this. Please get clear about what you would like to say and let's pick this up tomorrow. Or I'm really hurt or angry by what you said. However, I'm committed to not saying or doing anything that I'm going to later regret. So I'm going to go spend some time with myself and get clear on what it is I need to share with you. I'll reach out to you when I'm ready. And I want you to realize you can do this as an ask too. It sounds like I've said some things that really hurt you and made you angry. My request is that you take some time and get clear about what it is you would like to share with me about this and then come and get me or reach out to me when you're ready. Will you do that, please? I could do either one of those, depending on if it's me that's feeling hurt and angry or I can see that they're hurt and angry. And basically what we're doing here in these communications is I'm acknowledging what's playing out in front of me, I'm acknowledging where I'm at and what's coming up for me, or I'm acknowledging that somebody is reacting and hurting and angry. So I want to acknowledge that, but I also want to meter it by saying I want to support you in this place, but I'm not going to be able to hear you or go anywhere productive with you. As long as this is how we're expressing ourselves. Please take some time and let's think about what we really want to say here. And the reason I'm asking that sincerely is because this relationship matters to us. And are we going to continue down this track to destroy it? Because we know it will. So let's stop. Let's just stop. It's okay to be angry or hurt or have your fears and insecurities, but let's just learn some better ways to dance with them. And I got to take responsibility for mine and you got to take responsibility for yours. So please pause and take the time you need to go. Think about what it is and where it is. You need to plant your flag and come back and tell me this is what comes up for me. This is what I'm thinking, this is what I'm feeling. And ultimately what I'd like to ask you for is this. Would you be Willing to do that, because now we can do something to support each other in managing our fears and insecurities instead of just take it personal and then defend, react, and create a whole bunch of things that we really don't want to experience.

It may take several rounds of what Stacy just described. I think so many of us, I don't think I know. We've never experienced what Stacy just described. Very quick. We start, you know, we either are on the receiving end or the attacking side of it, and this thing escalates, like, in 22 seconds. And then we control or collapse and boom. And then we have a period of silence, and then we sweep it out of the rug and act like it never happened, and we move on. That's typically how it goes. And it's okay because that's pretty much been modeled to most of us. We don't know how to step into these types of situations and think, God, I could pause this. Yeah, there's no rush. It's not going anywhere. But why not set it up for success and realize how we're wired as a human? Probably going to get us to a better place.

The more you're spinning up, the more you need to slow down. Yeah, you're never going to get ahead of it. It's kind of like driving a car, and all you know how to do is put your foot on the gas pedal. Well, it's only going to be a matter of time before you're going to careen into something instead of recognizing and realizing, oh, I have a brake pedal.

Well, and it's a classic time. You go around people because you're all pissed off because they're going so slow and everything. And, you know, you'll come on, and then you get to a stoplight, and they're like, right behind you. Like, you did all of that, and you didn't get anywhere faster. Like, you look in your rearview m like, I really feel like a horse's ass right now. I could just stay right where I was at, you know, I mean, it's the same thing in what we're describing here. And we have this sense that we have to rush because we get so spun up, all of us, me included. Like, it's hard to emotionally regulate, especially when we're triggered. Let's be honest. That's a Super Bowl. It is. That's why you're not just going to be able to listen to this. I would say listen to this multiple times. And then we need reps. We need to practice, because it's probably not Going to go exactly as we're describing. Guess what? Well, because it doesn't for any of.

Us, Emotional weightlifting is what we call this. It's going to be required for you to do every day. And the more you do it, the stronger you get, the more you're going to have successes in slowing down and thinking and being more intentional about what it is you want to say. Like the only thing that Tom and I and Brooke do in our relationships that perhaps maybe you're struggling with at this point in time, because we all take things personal. We all have fears and insecurities. We're all human on this human journey. We all lose our shit. We can all turn into a hot mess. But here's the thing. I'm going to promise you, we just get through it faster because we have the skills and understand the principles that govern it. So things that would take three days, we can wrap up in about two or three minutes.

One. And we all have gotten to the point where we are not bigger than our pride. And we can say, wow, I really took that personal there. I'm sorry. That I kind of was an ass and this is what was going on for me. And I know this is not what you meant. I'm sorry. Could we try again? That used to be very hard for me to say because it. It was difficult for me to admit that I was wrong or that I took something in the wrong way because my pride was important and I was like, I work for a relationship coaching company. I can't be acting like that. You know, Now I know that it's okay for me to say those things because I'm human and everybody does that in their relationships. And the faster that you can say it and say, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. The faster it can be over and you can get back to the good stuff in your relationship.

I mean, if you really grab onto that piece right there. I cannot overemphasize. We say that often. But really, it's all to intend to get back to the good stuff. If we can just move through this quickly and efficiently.

Come on.

Why do we want to hang out there? I mean, it's not fun for any of us, me included. Even though I may be skilled at it, I don't enjoy it. So let's just move through it, you know, take care of business and get back to the good stuff. And we're good. You're good?

I'm good.

Okay. Good. Babe. My bad. I don't know what was going on there. But anyway, here we are. Another human presentation, human experience. Again, we're not exempt from it any more than you are. That's not the case. It's just. We want to just get quickly through it because we can get so bedded in this place, and, man, it just builds and builds, builds. I mean, this is why The Hatfields and McCoys didn't talk, right? I mean, come on. You haven't talked for what? Over that. Well, yeah, but then. Wait, you got to hear the rest of the story.

It gets really difficult for us to see what's my responsibility and what somebody else's responsibility is in managing where I end and you begin. When I'm adding to it and it's real fuzzy, yeah, it gets real muddied. But if I can keep where I end and you begin clear, it gets a lot easier for me to manage what's mine and what's not mine so that I don't take things so personal.

Would you say in your mediation part of our body work, babe. This is where a good mediator like you. I mean, you keep those lines defined, right. You keep bringing people back. Now, wait a minute now. Okay. Right. I mean, here's where you are. I mean, that's. That's. You're the referee, so to speak. Right.

That's why referee do. I do help create clarity in the room in regards to who's responsible.

That's what I must. Yeah. You remind people of where the responsibilities are.

Yeah. Yeah. So here's the super tips as we. As we land this. The super tips are I've got to see and become aware of personalizations and the role that they play in my life. And you can sit down and think about things you take personal for yourself right now and then have a conversation with your people that you love. It doesn't necessarily just need to be your partner, but it could be your kids. Maybe you and a parent child relationship is taking things personal. It could be a friend, like, where am I taking things? Very personal. And look at it and ask those reflective questions that we've talked about on the podcast today and then learn how to pause a conversation. Like, just practice for the fun of it. You know what? I'd love to hear what you're going to say, but I'm going to pause right now, and then let's come back to this tomorrow in 30 minutes so that you have that as a skill on board when you are spinning up and you're starting to turn into a hot mess, because that's where you're going to want to go. You can say I'm spinning up or I'm shutting down, or I'm not in a place I'm listening, or I've got a lot coming up for me right now. I'm just going to excuse myself and let's come back to this. Declare a time tomorrow at breakfast or coffee or tomorrow night after we're home from work, or, you know, I need 30 minutes. I'm going to go take a walk. We can pick it up then. As Tom mentioned in the podcast, view communication and conversation and sharing as rounds of a workout. Like, if it takes us 50 rounds to get through some challenging things, then we'll take the 50. Because if we don't take the 50 and slow this down and become intentional and self aware, then what are we going to do? We're going to find ourselves in cycles of fighting and saying and doing things that we regret later. I'm breaking down, my relationship's breaking down, my partner's breaking down, and we're going nowhere. We're going nowhere good because of what we've touched about here today. And then you're going to want to plant your flag. You're going to want to find a place to stand within yourself. What do I believe is true? And we gave you some questions to. To kind of find that place within you. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What do I know to be true? Like, think about, you know, my teacher saying, are you a liar? No. Well, then can we just let this go? You know that's not true. Let it go, shall we? And then last that, that piece of being able to come back and ask for what it is you need as a remedy or some reassurance or some comfort, those are important pieces that we need to get better at, which are all a part of emotional weightlifting. And personalization is where it all begins. The fears and insecurities that I carry inside of myself now, there's a lot here.

Brooke just did some research and realized, guys, I don't think we've ever really talked about personalization on our podcast, which that's hard for me to believe because it is the center point of really most challenges in our relationships. It really is nobody's fault. It's just because we're human and we don't understand how we could handle this better. This is really important. No one gets a hall pass, us included. This is huge. And so if you can just get some better understanding of what's taking place, why it's taking place, how we can, like Stacy not be such like flailing in the wind and give me a place to anchor so I could kind of navigate this in a much different regard, which we have. And then you gotta be willing to just work it. You really do. These self inquiry will feel uncomfortable. The new way of phrasing things will feel literally funny coming out of your mouth. But the words we use, they're not complicated but the sequence which we use them are different but they'll be much more effective.

So in this episode we provided you with valuable insights and practical advice for supporting you with the challenges of taking things personally. And if you would like additional resources and information and support, I'm going to direct you to stacybartley.com where you're going to see all kinds of opportunities for you to deepen your understanding and skill sets when it comes to personalization, but relationships overall. I also have a special announcement that I want to share with you. We are just completing six new pathways in our Better Love Club. And these pathways, just so you know, custom designed course specifically for these spaces in the relationship journey. When you join the Better Love Club, the pathways are 1. Avoiding divorce 2. Rebuilding trust 3. Healing from an affair 4. Improving communication 5. Increasing sex and intimacy 6. Navigating your partner's request for space. And so as you come into the Better Love Club, your first step would be to embark on these pathways as you then also have the option and the choice to get involved in our communities, our Monday night classes, our men's group, our women's group and all the other resourcing and support that's available for you inside of the Better Love Club. So let's step into a bit of fun and right now, today, as a measure of helping you begin the planting of your flag, I want you to take a moment for yourself and look for and explore your strengths. This helps us also in practicing some self awareness and some self observation and being able to give yourself credit for the strengths that you have. So the first question I have for you to reflect on is what activities bring you pleasure? Like what do you know to be true for yourself? For me, I love to spend an evening in with Tom over a nice meal, a conversation and a bottle of wine. I also love to ride my bike, feel my hair blow in the wind. What would you say?

Well, I would say certainly, yeah, the first one, you know, I mean, yeah, that's probably. Huh. Nothing like the California wine country, right? So.

Right.

What has been your greatest achievement thus far in your life?

I would say creating this body of work and continuing to Serve even when there's times where we felt like we're not moving the needle like we want.

Brookie, what unique skills and talents do you feel like you have?

I would just probably say my creativity and cooking. I'm a really good cook.

I love that. And who do you strive to be in your daily life? Like, that's a big one. Like, what are the principles and values that you strive to embody in your day to day life?

I would say, you know, I mean, it's what we coach and mentor and teach is, is you could commit to showing up as the best version of yourself every day. That's really the greatest thing any of us can do. And that's the only thing that any of us have control of. And, you know, and we don't ever get the graduation tassel. At least I don't. I've got a lot of room to improve. But I mean, if you really, truly commit to look, I'm, I'm going to give it my best shot. That's the whole genesis of the lease option contract. Stacy, you know, said, I don't want us to be together for some piece of paper or commit or obligation. I want us to be together because we're choosing in every day. That's really the whole genesis of the lease option contract. That's a conversation for another time.

So I encourage you to explore these questions and write down your answers and look at them right. Own them. Plant your flag there. Allow yourself to give yourself credit for them. What activities bring you pleasure? What has been your greatest achievement thus far in your life? What unique skills and talents do you have and who do you strive to be in your daily life? Let these be a place where I can go back to planting my flag, maybe even in times where I'm escalated because I have an understanding and an awareness of my strengths and who it is I intend to be. And then I can use that as a rudder to plant my flag. We also choose a song and each week have that song available to you on our podcast page on our website and. Or you can check it out on Spotify by searching Love Shack Live playlist and today's song is. A new song by Kat Burns and India Airee is featured on this song. It's a song about healing and it says, I was insecure My heart was scattered in pieces on the floor but now I'm healing I'm feeling, I'm growing and I'm learning My old self has been laid to rest and I am ready to become my best and I think that's the path of emotional weightlifting, beginning with personalizations and becoming aware of them when I'm doing them, what those fears and insecurities are for me and how I have been reacting to them. And now, hopefully by applying some of the things that we've shared with you in this episode, you can start planting your flag, taking that break, pausing, being more intentional about what you say, and also be able to direct that the conversation in a more productive way so that you can learn about your partner's fears and insecurities as well. It's just time to understand them instead of act them out on each other. All right, Goodbye for now. It's been great to be here with you. Reach out if you have any questions or shares about today's show or any of our shows. We'd love to hear from you. And if you haven't already, subscribe, we'd love to stay connected with you. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.