#191: Stuck Waiting for Your Partner to Change? The Self-Focus Solution You Need Now (Part 1)

Have you ever felt like you're constantly waiting on your partner to get their shit together so you can finally be happy in your relationship? Like you're stuck waiting for your partner to change before you can actually feel happy? You're not alone. Many of us find ourselves trapped in this place where you are feeling powerless and frustrated. But what if I told you that by shifting your focus to yourself, I. E. The only thing you can actually control and change, you can transform your relationship from this place? Place. Today, we're exploring how concentrating on your own actions and responses, rather than our partners might just be the key to unlocking the connection and care you've been seeking. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for those standing at a relationship crossroads. If you're facing daily conflicts, feeling an emotional gap growing between you and your partner, and yearning to rebuild a connection that's genuine and lasting, you're in the right place. And it's wonderful to have you with us. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship expert with more than a decade of experience helping couples navigate the choppy waters of love. Joining me are my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke, bringing you a family perspective on relationship dynamics. In today's episode, we're tackling a common question head on. Why should I focus on myself when it's my partner who is the one that's causing most of our problems? It's a perspective that many of us struggle with in our relationships. We'll be exploring why focusing on changing others only escalates things and adds to the drama of your challenges. We'll also be sharing how to regain control with practical strategies for change and growth in your relationship. You're about to discover how focusing on your own behavior, the one thing you can truly control, can lead to deeper connections and more fulfilling partnerships.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

This episode, as I was putting it together, reminds me of a story that many of us are familiar with, the story of the mermaid. It's a profound example of our topic today and one I personally see in my work every single day with my beautiful clients. Ariel is not content to live in the sea and longs to be loved. Upon falling in love, she then believes life on land with her beloved will make all of her dreams come true. Ariel is so convinced of this, she's willing to sacrifice the voice, the voice of our soul, for her legs. At first glance, we all go, oh, that's so sweet. Look what she's doing for love. Wow. Look what she's doing for her lover. Only to forget about the reality that those of us who attempt to to give up parts of who we are to belong and be loved will not survive within ourselves. For when I need to be someone or somewhere I am not, I will never feel good enough within myself. We empower ourselves. Who we love and the authority to make our life worth living does not come from relying on others for our happiness. We fall deeply in love with others who bring new worlds to us that mesmerize us. So we give all that we are to it, and then we do everything in our power to force them to live in the world we know and feel comfortable in. As we seek to feel safe, we often don't realize the opportunity before us is finding a place for us both to thrive in a balanced space of honoring, valuing and understanding both worlds, which then would lead us to the expansion of all. Instead, so often we drown each other, discounting the world our partners come from and the needs they have we don't value nor relate to at all. Just a thought. What if changing your own responses could create a positive ripple effect that transforms your entire relationship dynamic? Could it be just that? Yes, it can. And I can almost hear your voice in my head going, okay, stop. Timeout. Wait, wait. It's my partner. Did you not hear me? It's my partner. Why should I focus on building my own relationship skills with me when it's my partner who's causing all the fraking problems in my relationship? I don't understand how that computes. Well, here's the thing. When we focus on blaming others for the experience that I'm having, we have a tendency to fall into what I call a victim mentality. I spend a lot of my time, focus and energy thinking about how great my life will be when and if this happens, which is not going to go well. So not going to go well. Because here's the thing. When I believe that my partner is. And you go ahead and fill in the blank because I'm sure you've got a whole list of fill in the blank options. A manipulator, an asshole, a narcissist ignores, dismantles me, won't meet my needs. I mean, and I'm not saying those things are invalid, they are valid. But very often what you see and know in human behavior is that if I believe this is what you are, then I show up in the relationship and treat you like this is what you are. And if I believe that it's appropriate for me to treat you like this thing, guess who's doing all the things now that I just listed. Manipulating, being an. Being dismissive. Don't want to listen. Don't want to hear what you have to say. Don't want to get into it. Don't want to understand. Don't want to have sex. Don't want to help you. Don't want to support you. I don't care until you do this. And so quickly we can find, as they say in many, many poems and songs, the tables turn. Often the thing that I'm pointing fingers at is the thing I'm doing because of how I feel about the partner.

The classic version of turning into the exact thing that you're fighting against.

And it sucks. I know.

Also, you feel as though you've earned the right to do that because of their mistreatment. So you're like, no, it's fine. I can manipulate you. I can lie to you. I can mistreat you because you did that to me.

I've earned this spot right.

That's what we call muddying the waters. And if I can get you to engage in the very way I believe that you are, then it entitles me to do that and more. So then I don't have to be held accountable for my own behavior in this. This mess. You just keep giving me very justifiable reasons to mistreat you in hopes that I'll fill. So the next thing I'd like to point out in this is not only do we start turning into versions that we are accusing our partners of being. And again, I'm. I'm not trying to invalidate what you're experiencing. I'm not. But if I just think about this for a minute, if I really believe you are these things, then how am I going to show up and treat you as a human being? And we all do it. I'm going to treat you like you're these things. And what happens is slowly but surely we start turning into versions of ourself that we never intended to be, nor do we feel good about. As I've had many clients say, this relationship that I am in has turned me into a monster of the person that I desire to be. I can't even stand myself.

I.

And that's what happens to any of us when we justify mistreating others because of the mistreatment that they're giving to me. On the front side, I feel terrible about who I am because it's so out of sync or incongruent with the person that I truly desire to be in this relationship because the reality is, as upset as I might be about how you're treating me, I'm here because I want it to be good. You're listening to this podcast because you love this person. You want it to work. You value this relationship in some form or fashion. And so then when I show up and mistreat you because you mistreat me, we create this dynamic in our relationships where I just feel terrible about the things I've said or done, even though in the moment I was saying them, I justified them, but on the backside, this isn't what I want. This isn't who I want to be. This isn't how I want to love you or how I want to share or spend my time with you or our time together as a family with our children. This. This isn't the conversations I want to have with you about our finances and making love and. And the list goes on and on and on. And so there's this disharmony or this incongruence that sets in, and you're never going to be able to justify that with a really great story. So that's the first thing that's a problem if it's your partner, and I just need them to change, and then I'll be happy. The second thing that I want to just say is you literally disempower yourself. Now you're sitting around trying to figure out how to not hurt their feelings or create a fight. So I withhold. I don't really say what I want to say. I don't really show up and ask for what it is I'd really like. This is where the proverbial walking on eggshells happens. Where I think in my own belief system that I'll turn myself into a version that will make you happy and that will be it. That's how I'm going to knock it out of the park and I start handing over the steering wheel of my own life. What I need, what I want, what's true for me, what I believe is true, how I feel, how I think, the person I want to show up as I start twisting it into some contorted version that I think you may want of me or from me, only to find it puts me in a place where I never feel good enough. I never feel like I can get it right. You know why you can't ever get it right? Because what needs to be done can't be learned from you and your resourcing. It has to come from understanding your partner. And that can only happen if they can Understand and empower you with what they know and understand about themselves. And so you're trying to solve something from a perspective that you can't solve it. And in the process of doing so, much like Ariel, you sacrifice your entire voice in the hopes of being loved and accepted and wanted. So we totally give our power away. We put it in the hands of somebody else, who then orchestrates what I need you to be and how I need you to say it and how I need you to show up and how I need you to think and what I need you to believe, thinking that this is going to take us to the promised land.

And if you're unhappy in your relationship, which I assume if you're listening to this podcast, there's a couple of aspects in your relationships that you'd like to improve, but you don't think that you can do anything to change it, because you're only waiting on your partner to change that gives you no agency. You are powerless because you're only waiting for your partner to do the change. And who knows if he or she is ever going to change. So it's set up to fail that way, which is how so many people think relationships work. And that's why we're doing this episode today, because we want to tell you that it doesn't have to be like that.

Well, and you know that discomfort that you feel and the frustration that you feel from not using your voice, feeling powerless, stuck and frustrated, like that's your sign that you need to find your voice. That's yourself, or shall we say your soul or the seeds of your creation, saying, do something, say something. You count, you matter. This isn't going to work. Go in a different direction, because that's what pain is. It's a signal that says, please go in a different direction. Please come home and value yourself, your voice, who you are, what's important to you, what you value, what that's going to be, the thing that sends you in a clear path forward, ultimately for your happiness. But, bam, do we make it up that we need to enroll ourselves in hanging out in this stuck place, which is the very thing that causes you to feel stuck and frustrated in the first place because you have given your power away, because you start to feel powerless, because you won't advocate, speak up, ask for what you want. Spend some time with your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. You're making it all about someone else, and you're writing yourself out of the narrative and equation of your own life. Look, I'm not suggesting that you're superior to your partner. What I'm suggesting to you is that it's not okay for you to continue to act inferior as well, thinking that that's going to take you to the promised land. We will not be given happiness on the path of sacrificing ourselves for the love we have, the hopes of being loved by another human being. It doesn't work for you and it won't work for any of us who are on this path to finding love that thrives and that's healthy. Waiting for others to change before we can be happy is the most painful game on the planet. Because you're literally putting your own self, your own progress, your own needs, desires, thoughts, feelings of all that you can potentially become on the back burner while you try and figure out somebody else who. Who you have no hope in figuring out. Because, my dear friend, with all love and respect, you don't even have access to the intel to figure that out. You have access to your own intel, the one thing you can figure out and know and understand with surety and clarity. And that's the very thing that you're putting on the back burner instead. So working on and focusing on yourself is the only way I know of to help you navigate through this to a better place. It will never come from putting yourself on the back burner. Okay, so I have a question for you that I want you to ask consistently to yourself, maybe daily, for a while. Am I seeking to confirm what I already know, or looking for opportunities to grow and understand more of me, my relationship, my family, and my partner? Am I seeking to confirm what I already know, or looking for opportunities to grow and understand more things that are happening around me? Understanding is your opportunity. Why does your partner have the triggers and sensitivities that they do that cause them to show up the way that they are? Do you know? Or do you just bang on them, judge them, criticize them, roll your eyes, dismiss them, refuse to engage with them, leverage them, manipulate them, try and beg and plead and coerce them into becoming the version of them that you want to see. Or do you understand why it is they're struggling to not be that? I promise you that if you'll take the time to understand, it will make sense. It will make so much more sense and then we can all grow as a result of it.

This reminds me of. I forget where I saw it, but it was a conversation about how oftentimes wives with children, when their husbands get sick, they often instead of showing sympathy or empathy, they just get mad and they're like, oh, God, you're fucking sick. This is gonna be terrible. And it's not because they don't feel empathy. And they. It's not that they are mad that their husbands are sick. They're mad because they wish they got to let everything go and relax and take a nap when they were sick. Digging deeper into it, they also didn't ask for that when they were sick. When the wife was sick, she didn't go to her husband and say, hey, it would really mean a lot to me if you could take the kids to the park and don't come in here and ask me what's for dinner and just figure it out, like, in a nice way.

Just.

That would be really great. But that's what happens when the husband is sick. The wife keeps the kids and figures out everything in the household. And so when she's sick, not only is she sick, but she has to do all of that too. So when the couple that this was about really got down into the reasons behind both of their behaviors, they could have a conversation about the husband saying, oh, my God, yes, of course you can have that when you're sick. I'm so sorry that you didn't think that was a possibility. I know that I played a part in that, you know, but also, you didn't ask for it. And I'm so sorry that it was just assumed that that's what I was going to get when I was sick. But think about all the little situations in your relationship that Mom 2 just mentioned. Are you seeking to confirm what you already believe is true? Well, that's what that lady believed was true. And so she was just confirming it in her mind when her husband became sick. And she's like, oh, we're going down this path again. Without having any conversations or getting clarity or even asking if that was true. We just make up the answer in our head and we get mad about the answer that we've given ourselves. We do that all the time.

Yes, we do. I was just going to suggest to you to realize that as human beings, we are so familiar with the worlds in which we live in, or shall I say, the roles that we play. Without realizing you're familiar with that role in all the little parts and pieces of it, but your partner has a completely different focus and exposure. And you're right, we. They're not aware of what it is you're experiencing in your role. So imagine for a moment, I mean, as Brooke said, you're the one that's taking care of all the kids and making sure the groceries are stocked and the house is clean and some of those traditional roles that typically women do, but there's many men out there, and God love you, that play that role instead. So it's not a gender thing, it's a role thing. And I want to ask you, would you know how to go out if you're the caretaker in the house, making sure the kids have clothes and food and shelter? What about the inverse of that? Would you know how to go out and fire up the lawnmower or know where the tools are kept or be able to hang a picture or fix the plumbing or repair the roof or the fence or build a door? And the answer is no. Well, why not? You should know these things. And we don't realize that that's exactly what we do to our partners. Yes, I participate in the household, but don't you sit and enjoy the yard? Don't you enjoy the things that have been built and created and hung on the wall? Isn't it nice to know that somebody knows how to fix something that you don't? And they know the tools and the process or how to figure it out because it's the same. It's just that when I'm the one that's living it, I don't understand the cross pollination that happens. I only judge my partner for not knowing my part when the reality is I don't know theirs either. I wouldn't just be able to seamlessly step in and know exactly how all that works and all that operates and be able to step in as though it were me or them. It doesn't work like that. It's where we focus. It's the roles that we play play and the places and the spaces where we feel familiar. So just like Brookie said, look, if you need something, you need to teach your partner what that is. And if you don't know what that is for yourself, you're never going to get it. Not because your partner doesn't love you, but because they're completely living in a different experience, playing the role that they think you want of them to the very best of their ability. And so often in our relationships, both partners feel like they're just not good enough. They're just not doing enough. They just can't seem to figure it out.

Well, I think it's what we've just described here over the last few minutes. It's the proverbial I can't read somebody's mind. Yeah, you can't. So you know what's a lot easier. How about if we learn to really get good at asking? Like, oh, oh my gosh, Like, I can really ask. Yeah, you can. Like, we have to. How many times have we. All three of us are like, can I really say that? Yeah, give it a try. I mean, it's really effective now. Obviously there's more effective ways to ask and less effective ways to ask everything. Hopefully, you know, we're all about asking in a way that works. I've had SC st me and they're like, oh my God, like, well, I don't. How am I supposed to know? Could you just share with me, like, what a concept? Like, literally you can ask anything if you. Obviously you got to have the two attributes that you have to have. You have to have permission and safety. Emotional safety. That, that goes without saying. But rather than going through all of what we've just talked about, you could just like, I have no idea what you're going through. Tell me what you need right now. Like, bam.

I just want to point out one thing about this whole situation we were just talking about is if that couple never had the clarifying conversation to uncover the things that were happening beneath the surface. The husband would just assume, God, why does my wife always get mad at me when I'm sick? You know, like, why? Like, I'm just sick. I didn't do anything to catch this cold. Why does she always get mad at me when I'm sick when that's not the reason she's mad? You know, but they would just keep living on forever with her having all of those feelings and him thinking she's just mad because he's sick.

Great distinction. So true.

The more often he's sick, the madder she gets.

I know, what if he comes down like a syndrome or something? He's like, oh, God, I can't tell her now because this is going to be a long lasting thing. And there is happening. There is. They're not getting to the actual issue and uncovering the gifts that can come from having the conversation. Because then he could say, honey, I'm sick. And then the wife could say, oh, man, I'm so sorry you're sick, honey, go rest. Because she will know that when she's sick, she'll get that opportunity as well. That's why she's mad, because she doesn't get the same treatment when she's sick. But she's never asked for it.

Well, and it could be as simple as, honey, I'm sick. And she goes, oh, I notice. I get so fired up when you're sick?

Exactly.

About for me, you know, what I'm noticing is because I don't feel very taken care of when I get sick, next time I'm sick, will you do these things for me?

Exactly.

And now we can make some progress through that. Here's the thing. As humans, we often retreat to what is familiar, what we know, what we're exposed to, our roles. These things become such second nature to us that we can't imagine having somebody in our lives that are having a different experience. We think that if I'm having this and I'm aware of this, and I do this, well, then you should too. And then we rationalize that the unfamiliar makes no sense, so we don't feel safe if you don't see it the way I see it or do it the way I see it. Without realizing, none of us are aware of the same things every single time. In fact, just count on does the opposite of that. Like, these are things you're aware of because they're important to you, because you live them, because this is what you focus on, because this is where your belief system is. But the person that you love and adore has a whole different set of beliefs and values and needs and wants and desires and experiences because they're not you. And so the kicker is that what we know is simply a broken key to a door we can't open by ourselves. Which is why when you put two people together in a relationship, you put your personal growth on steroids, Right? Just like I said in the opening, we bring and fall in love with these incredible worlds that we know nothing about. When we meet somebody, we go, oh, wow, the way you do this. How do you do that? I can't believe this. You are so amazing and mysterious and sexy and wonderful, only to find those same places create a tremendous amount of conflict. Because I don't relate to them. They're unfamiliar to me. I don't know how. I don't understand why you go here or think this or behave like that or have a problem with this. I don't. So why do you? Well, then I say you shouldn't, you shouldn't. Without realizing, when I go down that road again, that's simply a broken key to a door that I cannot open on my own. I have to have the help of you to help me understand what's behind that door. And then everybody expands. This is how we put our personal growth on steroids and relationships. That's how it works. That's why we need them. I can't get to places on my own without you because I can only take my awareness and what I know so far. And when I invite somebody else into my world, it expands me into places of more that then I turn around and criticize those same worlds, trying to dismiss them. And there's a little saying about the Little Mermaid. She was so excited and fell so deeply in love in her happiness that she wrapped her arms around her lover and drug him to the bottom of the sea where he drowned. Now, I know that's a tragic story, and it is, but just think about that metaphor for a minute. How many times do we love our partner so much or that they love you so much? And that the world that you live in and the things that you have and the needs that you desire and the experiences you come from are so foreign to me that instead I wrap my arms around you and I drag you to the depths of the world that I live in, thinking that that's what's going to bring you happiness, only to find a lifeless partner. It's not about enrolling your partner into the world you think they should be living. It's about understanding your partner's world so that you can better understand why they show up the way they do. And my world of heaven for all of us is that they would do the same for you, but we just don't understand how to get there.

Yeah, well, I can think of. We just had some significant family gatherings, and Stacy and I are very different. How our families navigate these gatherings. Stacy's family is loud. Like, unbelievably loud. You have never heard loud like this. Oh, her sons have bodacious laughter like it's stadium with two or three of them. But I've gotten to know this is how Stacy rolls. When it's Stacy's side again, the 19 to 2 on the number on the 21, if you're doing the ledger, you know. And so like, oh, my gosh. I had to find, like, I was in the midst of this and I said, I need to, like, go out to where it's a little more quiet, where I can kind of gather myself. I found myself sitting there like all of this was going on. So just like, excuse myself out to the deck. And there was a few other of my grandkids there. And we got to kind of have a nice little conversation because they said, oh, it's so much quieter out here, Grandpa. I said, God love you. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah. I had to come out here to get a Little quiet myself. Yes, exactly. Meaning over time, you just understand it's all good, but that's just not how our family rolls. Like, I just can excuse myself and regather and then come back in and handle it again. I mean, it's. I, you know, I've just learned, like, gee, many Christmas. Like, but that's how they. It's not even considered loud to them. It's not even loud. I said, honey, like, what's wrong? Oh, okay. I guess I need to go outside because obviously nothing's wrong. Only I'm wrong. I mean, like, how could you not? This cacophony. I literally. I felt like I was at a stadium and I had, like 10 people in there.

I would say the other thing that comes up for you is, you know, if we have, like, one little gathering, we're good, right? Honey, we've checked that box and we're good. And the kids are all going, say, tomorrow. And it goes all night long. It goes into the night day after day.

It never.

Okay, like, when are we done again?

Timeout. No, it's just. They can't get enough of their mom and their grandma. It's not right or wrong. And then take care of your own needs and stations.

Like, honey, I got.

I got. Go out to the deck. No problem.

Go.

You know, I mean, so that's a. But it's just like, you could not be more different from my side of the clan until Stacey's side of clan. It's hugely different.

Well, and in the spirit of full disclosure, before we started learning and understanding these things about each other, I would be a liar if I didn't confess that. That used to really hurt my feelings that you would want to dismiss yourself and go to a place of quiet. Because I wanted you to enjoy the experience that I have in the same space. Right. And I can't understand why you would want it to end. Like, what's wrong? I mean, there must be something wrong if you don't want to sit here and be a part of this day after day after day. And you start asking things like, honey, when's the finish line? Like, when are we good here? When have we done enough and cross the line? And I looking at you like a daring headlights, like, I don't have an answer. I mean, why would you even ask that? It used to somewhat make my heart quiver a little bit until we had some of the conversations that we're encouraging you to have to understand it, not judge it.

Not judge it.

Those are very different things. Right. Tom is a Very. I mean, you're strong, but you're also very sensitive, which is one of the things I love about you. And I wouldn't ever want to take that part away. But I also don't have any idea or experience within myself as to what that's like for you. On the other side, it's only through sharing that I do get to understand what that's like for you and vice versa. Which then ironically leads to this place where there's an enrichment of our relationship overall because I start to see that my way of experiencing this isn't the only way. And it helps me become more aware. It expands my perspective on my paradigm about all the varieties of life and relationships that are out there. What else do I need to become aware of to be able to be a more complete, understanding whole person?

Well, and Dad's not like, we can't have anyone over and you need to end this and right now, because I need to go to bed. That's not what he's doing. He's taking himself out of the room and getting some quiet and. And dad, you love family time and family gatherings and talking with people. Mom too's family is just a little bit more boisterous than ours. But our family can get loud too. Like, I wouldn't say we're silent like little, little lambs. No, no.

Well, some of it is just pure. It's just numbers. It's numbers, Stacey. I mean, it's. And then sometimes I'll say, okay, babe, like, no one's coming over till like 2 o' clock because I need time with you and us. And then. And you know, I'll just say, no, they're not coming until 2, because I need some.

Well, I ask and say, honey, I'd really.

Yeah, I say, honey, we just have some, you and I time.

But also, dad is not saying they need to leave. And mom, too is not saying, you can't leave. You need to stay in here the whole time. I just want people to see that, that it goes along with the theme of the episode, that they are managing their own behavior in these situations. They're not trying to change the other one. And they're respecting how they both feel about family gatherings and noise levels and all of those things. Even though, yes, Mom 2 was at first offended once they got down into the reasons behind it. You don't feel that way anymore, right? Mom too.

You don't.

It doesn't offend you?

Not at all.

It's all been through tremendous amount of. Of sharing and asking and Exploring again. Here's the. I mean, I would. I think. Good Lord.

How?

How, like, no, babe, this is how we roll. Oh, God. I have. I did know.

We're rowdy and we. And we get rambunctious, and there's large numbers.

I love it. I could do it forever.

So I know Ricky is definitely the hybrid of us.

Yeah. And Brooke and her brother. I mean, so they've been brought into the fold, and they brought them.

But dad and Dustin are more similar. They get, like, more like, I guess, sensory overload for it. But I never do. I love to be in with everyone, and I'll stay there until the last person goes to bed.

The point here is this has been through tremendous amount of constant exploration and sharing. And so I said, babe, just you and me, let's just go out. Let's regather, you know, and. Because we need to have a grandkid. No, sweetie, I think right now just you and I would be good. And then the grandkids can come over later. It's all good. They're not going anywhere. I need some time with you. Okay. You're right. And so we just go back and forth. It's just like the volley, you know? I mean, it really is. But this has been 13 years, so this is through constant sharing and exploring. No one's right and no one's wrong.

That's what I was going to say. And who would be right and who would be wrong in this particular scenario and situation? And I also want to just put point out, take the scenario and the story and recognize and realize how you could slant it to maybe coincide with what you want people to see and believe. You know, Tom could be painting a story about Stacy and her family. Like, those people get together and they're cray cray. Like, they are so crazy. It's unbelievable. And it's just simply not right. It's not okay. That shouldn't happen. We should have. And, gosh, the time and effort and energy and cleanup and, oh, he could go on and paint this terrible picture where everybody'd go, gosh, that's awful. Bless your heart, that's terrible. And I could go, you know what? He never wants to get involved. He never wants to have any fun. He never wants to participate. He's always isolated in a room. What's wrong? Maybe he's mentally not well. Maybe we should have him looked at. Like, we could take either of these conversations. We could slant it to, like, fit our agendas, which is a deeper truth that I want to share with you, there is no they out there. What we see across the divide is ourselves. We indeed create the systems we suffer under and the walls that we hide behind. And we use others as the excuse to remain there because I'm too afraid to voice those things for myself or address those things that I need or bring the conversations that we need to have to the table. And that's how I become voiceless. And I suffer under the very system that I am complying with. And it's interesting and sometimes a little sobering to realize that's exactly what we do. So if I want to change this dynamic, I don't need my partner to change. I need to change the way I participate in it. I need to find my voice and understand myself to such a degree that I can translate my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions into a language that I can then share. And I can share it in a way that at the end of the day, even if you respond to me in a negative way, I feel really good about the way I handled it, the way I said it, and what I was driving for. If you attack me, if you criticize me, belittle me, I understand that doesn't have anything to do with me, and that's more to do with what's coming up inside of you. And I can say, I want to hear what you have to say, but not like this. I. I'm wanting to have a conversation with you that would help improve the lives and the experiences of the two of us. And when you're in a place where you feel like we can share and understand each other, come and get me and let me know. And then I can walk away feeling more congruent and in line with myself. Now play that out the inverse. If I'm weaving this story and trying to get all the validation and people on my side, and I take things personal and I believe more and more and more that you're this something that we fill the blank in with, I'm going to treat you like you're that something I fill in the blank with. And now what do we need to do now? What's playing out now? What's happening? Well, I'm just as much a participating factor in this as you are. And the more you mistreat me, the more I allow myself to mistreat you, the more crappy things you say to me, the more things I get to say back to you. To the point I even start buying into the idea that if I can cause as much pain on you and for you, that you create for me, then maybe at some point in time you'll understand me. No, that's just a sign that nobody's understanding anybody, not even ourselves. That there is a complete lack of breakdown relationally on all fronts. My relationship with you, your relationship with me, and our relationships independently with ourselves. And the more we go down that road, the more breakdown we can anticipate, because that's exactly where we're going. Taking control of yourself through self focus is your win. Your win, starting from now today, is to feel good about whatever thing or participation you have in the mix, even if you lose it on me. I feel good about how I responded or what I said or how I navigated through it, or what I asked for. I feel really good about my part, especially when I look back. I don't have any regret. I didn't say things I didn't mean or do things that I don't feel good about. That is your win. Regardless of what somebody else do, you.

Feel like most people are not able to look back and feel like they had a win?

No.

And is that where that just kind of continues to compound and just add to the imbalance and the unrest within us when we know and we look back with a man? I could have done a better job with that.

Well, and here's the thing. I justify my poor behavior with a great story about what you're doing. That's how I feel good about it. So just track that for a minute, I feel. And justify my own poor behavior with a really great story that usually demonizes my partner more, not less, which then entitles me to treat them like a demon more, not less. And this is the escalation and the cycles of fighting that we can't figure out how to get ourselves.

And the proverbial people say we just continue to have the same argument over and over and over again.

Yeah, let's do another. One more little teeny tiny objection that typically comes up in this conversation. And this is that, well, okay, let's say I do a really great job on working on myself and I'm starting to feel really good about who I am and knocking it out of the park with all this skill building that you're encouraging me to do. What if my partner doesn't change even though I focus on myself?

Good point.

And I would say, okay, I understand the concern, it's valid. It's a fear, I'm sure, a deep seated fear. However, if your partner is never going to meet you at the table and they're not willing to learn the Skills to better your relationship with you. That starts to help us understand everything that we need to know. What's my part? What's your part? And I can't be responsible for both parts, which is what we typically try and do in our relationships. I'll do my part. I'll do your part. I'll do the part of everybody, as long as you just will pretend like you're happy. Well, here's the thing. Pretend doesn't work. Even if we're pretending like everything is okay, if it's not true, then at some point in time I'm not going to be able to keep it up any longer. I'm not going to be able to continue to abide by the pretend and the illusion that we've created for ourselves. This shows up a lot in my office when people come to me or couples come to me and say, you know, we just never fight. Everything has just been so good. We just don't love each other anymore. And I think to myself, no, neither one of you have had a voice in this relationship for a very long time. And if you don't have a voice, then you can't create connection. And if you don't have connection, you can't have intimacy. And if you don't have intimacy, well, you can't co create at all. You basically slowly disintegrated your relationship because neither one of you would speak up and have a voice, but you didn't fight. And that's the benchmark.

Well, I also want to point out to our listeners that when we're in these places of critical struggle of our relationship where we know we're either going to go down the road of fixing things or we're probably going to head towards divorce. We want the answer right now. So we say, give me the answer. Am I getting a divorce or not right now? Well, the truth is, is that you have to go down the road of discovery. You have to do the work of seeing if you can change. Because sometimes it's hard for even you to change or your partner can change, or both of you can change before you have the answer on whether or not you should get a divorce. You can't make that choice before you've tried to fix things. And we always want the choice first, you know, because we want instant gratification and kind of the beauty, I guess the beauty. And the sad part of doing it this way, where you focus on yourself first, is if you get to the point where your partner isn't going to want to change with you well, it puts them in a position where they have to admit that they're not willing to do the work to change. And that is the reason why your marriage will end. You know, like, it takes away all of the confusion and the wondering and, like, the question, well, why won't you change? That's the case sometimes in life. Like, there isn't really a good answer for it. It just sometimes is the case. Well, doing this, focus on yourself, make the changes you need to make inside of you, and then invite your partner along the way is the only option here. Like, there is no other way to work on your relationship, at least not one that's, you know, not gimmicky or silly. So it's either going to be that your partner chooses to change with you, or they say, I can't change, or I'm not willing to change. And that's your answer. Like, I'm not saying it's not sad or you wish that that wouldn't have happened, but you get true clarity, which is what we all want in the end.

And, you know, we always say, look, if. And that could maybe be the case. And then it's up to you. Look, we never decide. But then now you. Because some people will say, like, when I talk in clericals, tom, how about if my partner never comes to the table?

Yeah.

I said, well, then. Then you have your answer. Now, then it's up to you to put a plan around that answer. You can say, okay, well, for many various reasons, that's not for us to decide. I'm going to put a plan around this and fill up, maybe figure out how to get my emotional needs met elsewhere, whatever.

Sure. But. But I'm saying there's no other way to get that answer than by doing this. We want to know that our partner is going to come to the table and meet us there. We want that answer, whether it's a yes or a no. That's essential information we need to have. And you can't get that information unless you do this work.

And the opposite of that is what we talk about all the time, is the land of maybe. And you do not want to hang out there forever because it will be a bad place to hang out. Because.

Yeah, and I'm not trying to, you know, make this all doom and gloom because I understand how it could be taken that way. I just want to point out that, like, we all. We just want these answers in life without doing the work because we're human and that's just natural. But the flip side of it Is there is such good news here that this allows you to get the answer you need without manipulating, without coercing, without doing anything shady. You're just changing the way that you want to change and doing the things that you want, you know, treating your partner in the way that you would want to be treated. And if they meet you there, then that's your answer. If they don't meet you there, then that's your answer. Like, it's really a foolproof process and I wish more people would join us.

There's a lot of factors that come into this place because that what you've just described sounds simple, but it takes a lot of courage because sometimes I don't want to look as a human being because I'm afraid of the answer what I'm see. Yes. So that's where I go back to the question of, like, am I supporting a system that brings me unhappiness? And do I continue to comply with it? And if so, am I so in love with the idea of love that I'm not willing to look at or see through the pretend and illusion that's living here? Because here's the thing. If I'm living in pretend an illusion, it doesn't mean. Mean you can't go forward and create wonderful things. When we run into problems in our relationships, what needs to happen is I need to evaluate where do I need to grow, where does my partner need to grow? And what are the things that are no longer working that we need to let go of? And where it is, we need to start reimagining what's possible for us. And as Brooke has touched on here, that is a journey that we need to take to explore and know. Because your partner doesn't know and can't give you the answer. You certainly don't know. That's why you're asking the question. So it has to be a journey that we learn as we skill up, because you're going to need to learn those anyway, regardless of what happens here, even if things don't go as hoped, these skills will help you navigate through whatever the transformation is on the next step of the journey. And we either say, hey, look at us. We're making, making progress. I'm so excited. Hell, we can do this. I'm so happy. Or we go, I get it. I understand why it is that we're no longer in alignment with where we want to go. And it's. And here's the kicker. It doesn't have anything to do with you being loved.

This conversation has Made me come to this conclusion that focusing on yourself, like we've talked about in this episode, and changing what you want to change about you, it's also the only way to. If you have a codependent relationship or you have taken over making all the decisions for you as a couple, it's the only way to put everything back into the hands of the person that needs to handle it. You know, it very effectively gives your partner back the choices that they need to make and you back the choices that only you need to make. So you do all these things, you make all these adjustments in yourself, and then it literally requires your partner to say, okay, I'm gonna do this with you, or, okay, I can't do this with you. Unless you do that and have that initial kind of separation of the responsibilities between the two of you, the waters are gonna stay muddied, and you're gonna go back into your old patterns where one of you decides that the relationship is continuing for the both of you. Does that make sense, what I'm trying to say?

Well, you're essentially. What I hear you say is you're becoming very clear where I end and you begin. What belongs to me and what doesn't. Yeah, we need to. We need to kind of, like, resort, because we can come up with these unspoken rule structures for everybody that everybody's trying to live by, but really, we don't really understand why I need to live by these. I don't. It doesn't really make any sense to me, and I'm twisting myself into a version of myself that makes me more miserable, and I'm suffering as an effect of it, or I'm hiding as an effect of it. And what ends up happening is I'm breaking down, which is going to break my relationship down, because I only show up as good as I feel. And so what I just heard you say is we're saying, okay, timeout. Let's resort what belongs to who so that we can gain some clarity on what's mine and what's yours. What are my choices? What are the things I need to know and understand about myself that I can bring to the table? And what are the things you need to know and understand about yourself? The ripple effect of change becomes a catalyst for others to follow. When you start to witness somebody who starts to have a sense of where I end and you begin, and no longer are they doing the dance that we've always done, that escalates the emotional behavior and experience in our relationship. That could become a very inspiring moment where I go, wow, if maybe if you can do it, I can do it. If I see somebody who has or has done some things that I want to do or embody myself, it becomes a very inspiring journey. Like, gosh, if you can do it, I can do it. If I don't continue to put play along with the structure and the system that we have that is breaking us down. It only takes one to start doing it differently. That can have an incredible ripple effect to create a catalyst of change for somebody else. Somebody needs to learn the skills to show someone else the way. So if you really want to do something for your partner, then do these things for yourself and you become the catalyst for change in your relationship. And then as we've talked about, the journey will become something that becomes an exploration of not who's right and who's wrong and who's to blame for the shit show we find ourselves in. We're no longer sitting around waiting for somebody to do all the work or change or make it right for everyone. We all start doing our part and understanding ourselves in such a way that it's going to tell us everything we need to know. And let's be honest, you know, it doesn't piss you off when somebody tells you the end of a really great show that you're enjoying. So why do we set it up to where we feel like we want to know the answers before we live the journey? This is a life you're living, not a story you're telling on the backside. So allow it to be that. Because I promise you, as you step in and do these things, the exploration of yourself in and of itself alone will be so worth the experience and the journey that you are embarking on. And if just by chance you become the catalyst of that change for yourself and your family, what a beautiful thing. It's only going to add to everything that you already know you want to step into and explore as well. I want to leave you with one thought, and this thought is this. The work of the true self is to keep our human and our being kindly tethered together so they can work together in harmony. And I would say this is true as we're working to be a human being being within ourselves, but often in relationship, somebody is wanting to be a human being too. And when we can work together, we keep it tethered so that we can co create things and go places that we never thought we would do. And so this is the story, this is the opportunity. Every time you listen and care for others, every time you hold someone or allow yourself to be held every time you ask a question, or allow someone to ask one, or share your story, or allow someone to share theirs. By listening to them, you are repairing and weaving the threads of connection that bind us and keep us together in our human beingness. And so we have to get there from this place, otherwise we destroy the precious things that once held us together. And this is only my responsibility to do my side of the equation. It's my responsibility to get myself to the table and then I have to wait and see what my partner has the capacity to do. And again, I just want to say it has nothing to do with how much they love you and value what you have and everything to do with what it is they're willing to do to face off with themselves. It's important for you to understand that, that it truly is not about you. So please do your best to not take it personally. And if you don't know anything about personalization, go ahead and listen to episode 189 where we talk all about personalization and the destructive force that it can be in your relationship.

But how about the person that says, you know, okay, I hear what you're saying, Stacy, but if someone truly loved me, wouldn't they want to do everything that you just described? You said it has nothing to do with me.

No, it sure doesn't. There's a lot of things that I desire and I want in my life. Am I willing to do what's necessary in order to have them. And relationship is no different.

The one that always comes up for me is that I want to have a baby really bad. And I know that my weight was holding me back from it, you know, probably, I mean, I don't know 100% for sure, but it took me until just this year to start losing the weight. And I want that baby so bad. So, I mean, I would probably never tell that to my future child that it took me seven years to get my shit together because. Because that's embarrassing. But as an example to someone who, you know, your partner can love you so much, but they just can't do that thing for whatever reason. And I don't have an answer for it for why it took me so long. Like, not a concise one. So they probably don't have a concise one for why they can't do that thing either. It's a huge, like, boulder of things that I've feel I finally conquered. But it took me a long time, long. And people in my circle of influence are probably like, what is Brooke ever going to get our together? Not because they don't love me, but because they do love me and they want me to be happy and healthy.

You know, I just think that that's a common relational trait. If someone really loves me, then they will like, well, no, maybe not. I think that's an unfair place that. A category that for some reason we place relationship that's different than any other part of our life. It's not. It's the same. And I think that's an important awareness. It's no different than other places that we struggle in our life.

Yeah. I would just ask you, dear listener, right now, focus on something that you deeply desire and why don't you have it?

Yeah.

Because there's something within me that I'm wrestling with and I may not even quite understand it yet, whether it's getting financially stable or getting out of debt or losing weight or starting a business or writing that book.

I just think I just said, like, let's just address it because, like, we hear like, look, if they really. If he or she really love me. Well, maybe. I mean, maybe. But there's more going on.

Again, I would say it's more likely that they love you with all their heart and they just can't turn and face the thing that's holding them back.

Exactly. Stacy, Zoe says, the most courageous work.

Any of us will ever do, turning and facing ourselves. So I encourage you to focus on your own behavior and show up in a way that at the end of the day, when you put your head on the pillow at night, you feel really good about how you've knocked it out of the park. You've not allowed people to mistreat you because you've advocated and said, hey, that's not okay. Right. When you're ready, I'd really like to have this conversation with you because you know yourself that well and you have the skills to execute on those things. And if by chance, you know, you need additional support and learning about the skills that we're touching on here in this episode or any of our episodes, quite honestly. I invite you to join me and the team, Brooke and Tom, all three of us are there where we walk with you and mentor you.

You can check everything out about the roadmap@loveinlimboroadmap.com you can also go to our.

Website at stacybartley.com to explore other ways, tools and resources that are available to you as well. This is important. We get better at relationships by focusing on myself, like you focusing on you is working on your relationship. It's the only way to create long lasting success. Here's the thing we're doing. We're changing behavior. And in order to do that I need to know what doesn't work. And we're all pretty aware of that. But what we don't have is the other component or piece to it, which is what do I do instead? I don't know. And even if I do know, I'm going to need to practice it in order to truly change the behavior that is keeping me stuck in this place I don't want to be anymore. So that's why it's a skill based journey. You don't need more head knowledge, you need more understanding about yourself. You need an understanding of what's missing and a practice to doing it and getting there so we can accomplish that. When the sweet ache of being alive lodged between who you are and who you will be in your awakening Befriend this moment, it will guide you. Its sweetness is what holds you and its ache is what moves you along. That is a beautiful poem by Mark Nepo, who has become one of my most incredible favorites of all times recently. Yes, sometimes it hurts, but remember, it's the ache that moves you along. Pain is a great motivator. It's one of the best on the planet for us human beings and it's simply asking for your attention and inspiring you and pushing you to move along. It's a sweetness that holds you and the pain that moves you forward.

Foreign.

Let'S step into a little bit of Follow the Fun today. I call this Good Vibes. I just have an inspiring thought that I want to share with you today, especially after our episode. It brings up a lot of emotions in us. So if you're fighting yourself emotionally deep right now, pondering a lot of things will grade on you because that's what this episode is going to do. It causes us to look at things that we feel like we've got so figured out and it causes us to get a little more reflective as we reframe some of these principles that we've shared with you today. I want you to know and understand that you have found your way to true love. When you say to your lover, I would do anything for you. And your lover responds, would you be willing to just be yourself and teach me how to love you best? Oh what joy. You have just hit the jackpot, my listener. To wrap our episode up, I have selected a song that's actually an old one by Al Green. It's been remade by Maxwell. Incredible. And it's simply called Simply Beautiful. And I chose the song because I want you to remember, listener, that you are simply beautiful. Regardless of what's going on in your life right now, I want you to realize, remember, you're not superior. I know you probably got that one down. But you're not inferior either. You have beautiful gifts and things to bring to the relationship that, if I had to guess, you're probably not exploring, pursuing or expressing. And we gotta change that because quite frankly, they're simply beautiful. You can check out this week's song along with our entire playlist for every episode we've ever done by going to Spotify and searching up Love Shack Live playlist or by visiting our website@stacybartley.com if you want to reach out to us, ask your questions and how this episode has set with you, or what it's brought up for you, or any questions or thoughts surrounding this or any of our episodes, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. We love to hear and engage with our listeners, so please feel free. We invite you to do that. Okay, that's it for now. Thank you so much for being here with us and we look forward to doing it all again next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.