#192: The Heartbreak of Waiting: How to Move Forward When Your Partner Stays Stuck (Part Two)

Picture this. You're standing in front of a locked door, waiting, hoping for your partner to open it, to step through and meet you where you are. The waiting feels endless, and with each passing day, the door seems to grow heavier and harder to open. You start to wonder if they'll ever come, if there ever be the change that you're looking for. But then a thought crosses your mind. What if instead of waiting, you could find a key of your own? What if the real change begins when you unlock something within yourself? Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for those who find themselves at a relationship crossroads, facing daily conflicts and a growing emotional gap, and yearning to rebuild a bond that feels genuine and lasting. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship expert with over a decade of experience, and here with me is my co host and lover Tom and our daughter Brooke. Together we're here to guide you through this journey of transformation. As a family, we faced our own struggles. We've learned that the path to fulfilling relationships isn't always easy, but possible. We're here to share our experiences, insights and the tools we've gathered along the way so you can find your way back to a loving, connected partnership. In our last episode, number 191, we explored the importance of focusing on yourself when seeking change in your relationship. But what happens when you start to grow and your partner doesn't respond the way you had hoped? Is it possible that your self improvement could actually lead to more conflict? In today's episode, we'll dive into these questions, tackling the doubts that might be creeping in, and explore how to stay on course even when the road gets bumpy. But we'll also share practical tips on managing the challenges that arise when one partner is growing and the other is seemingly stuck in place. But before we jump into that, let's quickly revisit what we covered last time. The importance of self focus and taking personal responsibility in your relationship. We know it's tough when your efforts don't seem to yield immediate results, but today we're going to help you navigate these frustrations so that you can keep moving forward.

Foreign.

Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack. So to recap, what we talked about was anchoring within where I end and someone else begins. Self focus and personal accountability helps us to regain control by examining our own patterns and behaviors. Making conscious choices about your role in relationships is critical and not taking blame for everything, but also be willing to acknowledge your part and a focus on what you can control. Your actions and your reactions is also a place where you Witness where I end and you begin. And your inner stability, or lack of it, creates a cause and an effect in the relationship that you find yourself in. And that's why we all play our part. It sounds a lot like this. Well, I did that because you did this. Oh really? Well, I did this because you did that. And back and forth the cycles of fighting go. And the only way to find a place of inner stability is if we'll finally say, yes, this is my part, I need you to look at yours. Then the back and forth boomerang can be squelched and we can see a clear path forward. Essentially it's this. The more insecure we are, the more we feel the need to impose our views on everything and everyone, the more secure we are, the more room we make for another's point of view. It's the difference between inclusion and exclusion in our relationships. So with that in mind, let's transition now into our conversation today. While self focus is crucial to your success, it can also bring up challenges when your partner doesn't immediately attune or change in response to all your efforts. Let's face it. Often what motivates us to step into the growth journey that you're on, and this is going to be true for all of us human beings, is the image or the belief or the hope that when I do these things, it's going to give me this. And so with all of our vim and inspiration and hope on board, we're finally impassioned and motivated to do the things that we've wanted to do but just didn't have the umph to do, the emotional energy to do. And now you're doing it. And you're doing it because you have this idea, this hope, this expectation that when I do it, then X, Y and Z are going to transpire. Only to find along the way as you're doing it, that maybe your partner isn't responding in the way you thought they were going to respond when your journey of growth and behavior change began. I'm going to skill up and then it's going to give me this and this and this and this and this. That's where we all go. That's a beautiful thing. Step into the journey, get going. But then you're going to discover some things along the way that may not start to line up like that. And it's in this place on the journey where we can become a bit weak kneed, our armpits get a little sweaty and we might get a little frustrated within the journey because we start to say, well, wait a minute, I'm doing all of this. And everybody else sees it, but my partner won't say, yes, I see this in you. Thank you so much. Oh, my gosh. You know, please come home. All the things that we're hoping. Hoping would happen when I began the journey may or may not play out for us. And what do we do then? So let's talk about this. Let's talk about some of the things that come up when you're on this growth journey. Because to be honest, sometimes our partners that we're trying to get to enroll in coming home or re engaging or having those difficult conversations or finding their way out of a deep hole of denial just is not happening. And you were so certain it would. And so then we find ourselves in these places of disappointment. And that's what we want to talk about in this episode today. So let's talk about an objection that often comes up for those on a growth journey, but their partners aren't necessarily coming along like they thought that they would. Let's talk about these things. And the first thing that I want to talk about is this idea that it isn't fair that I have to take all the responsibility or bear the weight of their choices, continue to keep the fireplace lit, so to speak, while they do their thing. And so I'm just supposed to be okay with this? I'm just supposed to continue on this path of growth and keep everything waiting and in place. I have to take care of the kids, pay the bills, clean the house, make sure that everything is happening according to plan while they go and do whatever thing they're doing outside of our household responsibilities. How is this fair, Stace? How is this fair? How is this even right? And I understand. The first thing I want to say is, oh, my God. Yes. It's so not fair. Fair is something that comes around once a year and you get a corn dog. There's nothing fair about this situation. However, if you are by chance the person who's keeping the fireplace lights lit of the dream that you and your partner had when you first came together, if you are the person that's keeping the household and the children and everything in place, I want you to, as difficult and unfair as it is, you are actually going to become the victor in the situation in the long run. Why? Because you are going to feel so good about your part in this that you never allowed yourself to dismantle all the things that were valuable and important to you. Because it got hard and I didn't have the clarity anymore, but you would allow yourself to get to the place where you were going to throw your hands in the air and say screw it. These things, these values, these beliefs that I hold dear in my heart are things that I'm going to continue to live by and take hold of regardless of how difficult it gets. And believe me, the payoff will come on the other side of all of this when the storm passes. And it will and the situation clears. And it will that you know that even though it got hard, you stuck with it. And you know what? The children are going to thank you for that too. That is going to be your victory. The dog, the cat is also going to thank you for that as well. Okay, so self focus is about empowerment. It's about feeling good about your part in it, regardless of how it goes. That this is the role I choose. Not because it's easy, not because I too couldn't just throw my arms in the air and say, I'm done. I want to run away. I want to do all these things to avoid this situation as well. But I choose to face it. I choose to take it one day at a time. And I choose to rise when I want to just say it. That means something. That really means something. Also, self focus is not about self blame. It's not about blaming yourself for all that you've done. Yes, you have your part, but you only have your part and no more. The person that you co created this situation with also has their part. It's not about taking all the blame, but rather choosing not to let your happiness be contingent upon your partner's actions. And sometimes that can be a little tricky.

Yeah. So how the heck am I supposed to, you know, find threads and moments of happiness when it seems like he or she on the other side ain't doing squat? Maybe for a short period of time, but how about if this is happening for like months, which we all know takes place because we work with people like this where they're the one that has raised their hand and starts working with us. How do I carve out moments of feeling like I'm experiencing a win, just reminding myself that what I do when I can look back on the situation that I know I did the best I could, that's the win.

And staying true to the values, the beliefs, the things that you wanted to create in this situation, regardless of what your partner does, it means something. I'm thinking back to a place where I had to make a choice like this. I had to make a critical choice as to whether I was going to remain true to the values and beliefs as to me being a mother, a wife, and the values that I wanted to instill in my children and in my family. Who's going to do it if somebody bails? And do we think that the children then just pay the price and everybody's okay and life just moves on? And if you do it, then I get to do it too. We can choose into those things. It was hard not to. And there were days where the unfairness sometimes would make me so angry. But I'll tell you, decades after the fact, as I look back on that situation, I could not be more grateful full that I held to the beliefs and the values that I wanted to represent as a person individually and as a wife and as a mother. I have no regret, zero regret about my participation in this. I know when I look back, I did everything within my power to show up as the best version of myself. And that ultimately is my win. And you know how else appreciates it? My kids, My kids cannot refute the fact that I was there and I stood steady when their world was coming apart at the seams. It was something they could reach for. It was something that gave them foundation and stability in a moment of crisis. Can we even imagine. And there are people out there who have lived this, where both parents crumble. What happens to the foundation that we've co created called our children and our families? And not just our children, but what about the extended families that feel the ripple effects of these things going out and reverberating when both go down? And sometimes it happens, and if it does, I get it. But if you are in a place where you are knowing that you're holding the fort together while somebody is struggling, that will serve so much better. You and everyone around you. And you can do it. I know you can do it.

And I would remind you that the win may not often be realized even from your own vantage point, maybe for till sometime later. So you have to realize there is some significant delayed gratification here. It definitely is required because I've lived that myself as well.

A lot of times when we are, I guess, handed these situations in life and you're like, God, I'm changing to inspire my partner to change. And sometimes that's the only way that we can get motivated is if we see our relationship is falling apart and we're like, well, I'm going to change to hopefully get my partner to come back to me. I think oftentimes we start that way and then we Realize throughout the journey of going through it that that's not really why we're doing it. I would like to propose to you that sometimes life presents us these situations that inspire us to become better. Not to make another person happy or to get another person to come back to you, but to let you know that you have what you need inside of you to be okay. These situations happen where you literally feel like your life is never going to going to be okay again. Or you just. You're laying on the bathroom floor crying so hard you can't catch your breath and you're like, how am I ever going to make it out of this? Well, these things happen so that you can show yourself that you are going to be okay and you do have what's needed to get through it. Even though you don't know how that's going to happen in the situation you're in right now. If it feels so bad, you probably can't see your way out of it. But the three of us can promise you that you do have what it takes. And sometimes we need to be reminded of that because we can become so dependent on our partners to be that for us. We can become so dependent on our kids to support us. It's easier when someone else can give you the support that you're wanting so bad. But I think sometimes these situations can get so bad and feel so desperate just to let us know that we can be our own heroes, because a lot of times we don't feel like we can. And then from that, in your next situation where you need to pull your bootstraps up and recover again, you'll be able to look back and be like, I did it that time so I know I could do it this time. And maybe I sound like a bad cheesy self help book right now, but I just really want you to hear that. Because I'm feeling that right now in my life. I'm feeling that I have what it takes inside of me for probably for the first time ever to be okay and to do what I need to do to be the best me for me. And I'm feeling it and I'm doing it. And I just want everyone to know that they can do it too. So my whole overarching point of saying all of this is that if you are making these changes internally and you are becoming who you feel you are meant to be and your partner isn't changing, perhaps that's not the point of it. Perhaps the point of it is to remind yourself that you have what it takes to be okay. And that's what you're doing. I think that there's nothing more important and nothing more essential that we need in our lives. And I think a lot of us have lost the ability to do that for ourselves.

Totally agree, 100%.

Well, it's the only thing truly in our grasp.

Exactly. And the only thing we can control.

Well, and it's a very empowering place to go because you can believe in yourself after you realize you can do hard things, you can pull yourself out of difficult things. And even though you may not have all the answers about how you're going to tread forward, you believe in yourself to figure it out. And the safety that that gives you and the foundation that that gives you and the anxiety that that squelches and the fear to be able to face the unknown is so empowering. It is very life giving. And here's the thing, it's almost like we get tricked into doing these things because it's almost like Gus, the God, universe and spirit knows we're not going to just do it because it's good for us. We're not going to just eat our broccoli or do our emotional push ups because we know it's good for us. We usually need the motivation and we will do things for the love of others that we would never do for ourselves. And so what gets us into the journey and what motivates us into the journey is very often just to help us gift ourselves the things that we need the most. It really doesn't have anything to do about the other. It's just the thing that motivates you to get going with it. And this ripple effect of personal change does also become a catalyst for others to follow. Your children, your family, your friends, and yes, even your lover. And so the best gift we can give to ourselves and those around us is to be the demonstration of what it is you would like to create in your own life. This is the difference between sacrificing yourself and being a person that you love, admire and respect. Self sacrificing means we're all in the path to breaking down. I'm sacrificing everything that I am. I know it's not good for me, but I'm doing it all for you. That's self sacrificing. That's not love, that's fear. It's a place of motivation that's perpetuated by fear of me not being okay without you. Well, that's self sacrifice.

It's not sustainable either.

It's not sustainable.

And that I heard a story of someone who made a very long road trip to go see somebody who broke up with them after they were said, don't come, I don't want to see you. And the person said, I don't care, I'm coming. And that's the thing I was talking about earlier. You know, doing this work will make you have a foundation in yourself that you would never be able to have otherwise. And I have done that same thing. Like if I was 18 and if I could go back in time, I would have done that. If I had the means, I would have driven to Virginia from California when Jack, my fiance, now broke up with me and I would have shown up at his door and I would have said, you better get back together with me. Because that's how broken and desperate. And I had no foundation of self confidence and self reassurance inside of me back then. So I get why people do it, but I just want people to know that's the whole point of these two episodes, is doing the work inside of of you. It's going to make it so that you don't have to feel that desperate if things don't turn out the way that you wanted them to. Because you know you can give yourself some self validation. Everyone knows that feeling when the person that they love so much cuts them off. It's like you can't get air until the next time they text you. It's pure torture. But that's because you're giving all your power to that person and you're not remembering that you have things inside of you that you can do to feel better. Your existence is not entirely dependent on your partner. But that's how we set up our relationships a lot of the time. So when our partner goes down or isn't on their A game or is feeling like they maybe want to break up or get a divorce, it totally flatlines you. But that's not a way to set up a healthy relationship. Some of your, like, free will and independence and knowing has to remain inside of you.

But what's interesting is the justification that you have that's so easy, like, no, this is the right call and totally.

Negate what you're being told, right? They're saying, don't come, don't come. No, this isn't appropriate.

Your friends are saying, don't go, don't go. And you're like, no, I have to. I know the one thing I'm gonna say that's gonna change everything. And they're like, okay, if this is what you need to do.

Buckle your britches.

It's gonna get interesting. Whatever. I was like, the cray cray meter should be going off loud.

Yeah, but you just feel so. Like, there's nothing that can stop you. And trust me, I've been there. Like, I know that feeling so well. But we just want to remind you that you don't have to go through that. You know, maybe I'm going over to the Disney princess side. Now that I'm feeling so much better about myself, People are going to be like, brooke, you've lost it. Where's the anxious girl that told us that everything was going to be okay? But I'm serious. It's like honoring yourself. It's realizing that I have a choice and that my feelings matter, too, and that I don't have to fall down on my knees and worship the ground my partner walks on and let their mood and their thoughts and their feelings dictate how I am supposed to feel. Because that's how I lived a lot of my life. And I know a lot of our listeners have lived that way, too, but it so dwindles our own voices and our own thoughts and our own feelings. And the interesting thing is, our partner has no idea most of the time that we're doing that because they're not demanding that of us. That's just what we do naturally. You know, they're not saying, you must fall to my every whim. We're just naturally doing that. And you're not being your true self when you are living in that way.

Mm.

It's such a power imbalance.

Yeah. Well, and the opposite is true, too. Right? In this same place, we can have somebody who wants the validation so much that they love, that you fall to your knees and do whatever.

Yes. Yes.

So that can. That can get us into trouble as well. And they think that this is a great relationship because you help me feel so empowered, because you do all of these things for me. And. And it's in these moments that, personally, collectively, if we're being still and quiet within ourselves, what are we really looking for? We're looking for and longing for that place of clarity, like, help me understand what's really going on. It's become soulful of chaos and confusion, and I have no idea which direction to go. And I seek so badly peace and hope and clarity and this sense of completion that I know I'm doing the right thing. And. And that usually sets us about trying to figure out a partner. Out. I'm trying to figure out how they think and why they do what they do and why they said that, why they did this. And everything becomes what I call a smoke signal that you're interpreting. You know, if they come to bed and climb into bed with you, then that means something. And if they give you a sideways glance as they're leaving in the morning, well, that means something completely different. And, you know, if. If they hold your hand or they don't sit close to you on the couch or all of these little teeny, tiny nuances become something that you're making meaning behind thinking. That's going to give you the clarity that you need. And I want to propose the idea to you just like Brooke said. The only way that you're going to get clarity in these places is to find it within yourself first. Now, you might be going, oh, that's terrible news, Stace. The last thing I want to do is spend some time with this hot show. I get it. I've been there. Remember? I was enrolling myself in all kinds of bizarre, crazy ideas. But I also assure you that if you'll just spend some time gaining the clarity and the truth of your own voice and what you need and recognizing that you matter, too, this becomes the foundation with which you find the clarity that you need to rudder through this experience with your partner. It also gives you the ability to do what we just talked about, staying true to your beliefs, your values, the contribution that you wanted to make when you created this relationship in the first place. It will give you that rudder in place of clarity to remain true to. So your win, really, at the end of the day, isn't that your partner comes home, you know, sends flowers, presents, gifts, confesses that you're the one they've loved forever and always. All those things are lovely and wonderful, and I'm not trying to minimize them in any way, shape, or form. As human people that love, we all long for those things. However you're going to find, what's more valuable, or at least equal to, is the knowing that regardless of what someone else does, I feel really good and rooted in me. That's the place of clarity that we long for. And that's the only place I know to direct you to. To find it. So a practical tip that I leave you with in this place is it's important to know the distinction between self focus and self sacrifice. They're different. Self sacrifice means I bleed out on the ground. I'm breaking down. I know that what I'm doing and saying isn't helping me feel better about who I am or better about who I'm becoming. It's actually me breaking down and becoming less and less of a version I feel good about. That's self sacrifice. Self focus is recognizing that there is a difference between me and you. There is a place where I end and you begin. And there is a place regardless of what you're doing and struggling with that. I need to find my own place to stand, my own version of what it means to be me. And believe it or not, from that place, it's not selfish, not at all. From that place, I have more to contribute and give in support of somebody I love that might be struggling, not less. If we're both in a pattern of breakdown, I have nothing to give, nothing to support. I'm too busy trying to keep it together myself as I focus on you instead of me. I call that the race to the bottom. There are no winners there. We're going to both lose. But if I can find a place inside of myself, a foundational place that I can cling to when the storm is raging through our relationship, I can see through the whiteouts. I know how to pull over when I get disoriented. I know how to just take a pause and come back to it, knowing that eventually it will pass and I will remain true to the person I believe myself to be and the faith and the inspiration that I hold dear about love and relationship and family and the whole enchilada. And then from that place, I have more to give and contribute to those around me that I love and that I support. Not less. Because I'm not as floundering and as conflicted and in a state of chaos and unknown. I have something to contribute.

I think. We received some questions from one of our clients after episode 191 and I think this question is a good one that other people probably are having. They say if I get to the place that I know myself better and I can teach my partner about myself. When, how and where do we begin the co creation? How do we co create without compromising? When we understand and also recognize that our approaches to parenting are going to be different?

There is a place where, and this is hard. This is big stuff. Like this is Olympic style stuff in relationships. Relationships where my needs and wants have to be as important as my partner's. That's where I would say co creation begins. Where I'm willing to consider what my partner needs, but I'm also not losing sight of what I need. And there'll always be a little place of give and Take and an adjustment that's needed. But what's interesting is you'll find that in those adjustments, it helps each of us independently become more balanced. For example, I am a little more of a free flow spirit than my beautiful husband who I love so much. And he is much more of a detail oriented, toe the line, consistent kind of guy. Like we've got structure here, we got to live within and we can't just be throwing it out because you don't feel like it. I love that about him, but it's also what drives me crazy about him and vice versa. So in the co creation process, as we approach, let's say, parenting, I'm going to have a tendency to be a lot more flowy, glowy. Oh, don't worry about that, that's no big deal. Oh, that's funny. And he's going to be going, no, that's a problem. We need to address it. How are we going to handle this? We need to bring this up. This isn't okay. There's a principle called X, Y and Z. And I want you to see in adhering to both as the listener, let me just ask you who's right and who's wrong? And could we independently come up with a conversation about supporting our own independent thought? Tom's too strict. He's got too much rule structure, you know, oh, let's just give the kid a pray. And what would you say by no, you, you give the kid a break. We're not going to help him become who it is he has the capacity to be. You know, there has to be some structure. Chaos will prevail. I love your statement.

No, in the absence of leadership, chaos will prevail.

Exactly. Okay, well those are all really great, valid points. So again, who's right and who's wrong?

Yeah, I just think we can get quite entrenched into our positions and values. And remember, no matter how thin we slice it, there's always another side of the story. I think that's from Tony Robbins. It's one of the greatest things. It's true. And we have to be able to get better at looking at that other side of the story, even if it's not one that we would advocate ourselves. Doesn't make it wrong, it's just different.

Well, and, and co creation happens, let's say, between us using the example that we're with. I said something bold. It helps us both find a place of balance within our own perspective and our tendency to do so. So where can I pick up the game and maybe if there's something strong that Tom's feeling pretty principled about, maybe I need to support him in that. Maybe that's a good thing for me too. Maybe there's a place of resistance that I need to look at inside of myself. And when I'm saying, come on babe, I think you really need to let this go, I, I don't think that this is going to accomplish what we are setting out to do, which is good and he gets to a place where he can let it go. Do you see how both of us grow independently because of the aspect that we're being called to co create together?

So in answer to that question, it's going to take some malleability on both sides. We cannot get so entrenched, you know, I mean mediation. Stacy's an excellent mediator. Remember, there has to be movement on both sides to come to some collaborative win win experience going forward. We can't just have it all our own way and the other partner, spouse, significant other have it just their own way. That that's an immovable situation.

So very often in these places where I go, well, I'm very clear about me and I'm very clear about the feelings of that come up in me and what I want and how to do it. And that's great, that's awesome. You have to have that in order to co create with somebody. If I don't have that, then how am I going to talk, share, even negotiate or come up with something that's going to help me expand? I can't. It's just going to remain chaotic. And so when two people can come to the table acknowledging and understanding who they are, it will only be from this place. We can even co create effective and you'll find that in the co creation of it and my needs and your needs are just as important as my own. In meeting a place where we can both feel good about it. It's going to cause an expansion of both. There's going to be a rebalancing of both people. In the co creation aspect, it's not about who's right and who's wrong so much as it is is where is it that I need to maybe come your way a little bit because that's probably good for me to practice because I've become so tight in this place or where is it that I need to pick up my game a little bit because it would serve me and I've become way too nonchalant and willy nilly about this because I really don't want to address it. I don't have the emotional capacity to. And there's a check and balance there that I feel like in the relationship experience of co creation, we simply don't value. We find ourselves fighting in who's right and who's wrong instead of valuing the contribution in and assuming the good that we both bring to the benefit and the expansion of all.

And I would just lastly say specific to blended families, I mean, we could have a whole nother body of work on blended families. But to be fair, we have a fair amount of experience in this area because we have a massive blended family. Most of it is with this woman. Numerically, to be fair, it's not even close to be evenly weighted. But my point here is, hey, maybe I'm worth it. Yeah. Yes. But I would say one thing that Stacy and I, I think do really well is at the end of the day, we're very good at whoever has the biological connection to those children, we're going to always support that person, you know, to take the last call. And. And we've done that from almost 14 years now. Man, it's getting serious. Honey. We've been together. That's the last card we lay. And we have followed that from day one. And I would say it always has served us. So we really support each other in that. I only have two Brooke and one other. Stacy's got the rest. So, you know, I'm a lot of times laying that card. But to take in all seriousness, that's really served us well because to be fair, like, I'm not their father. I'm just some dude that loves the mother. I mean, come on, remember, your kids are along for the ride.

Why? I think the thing that's important here is that we talk about it. You get to share your perspective and your point of view from that place in space. But then as you said, the biological parent gets to make the final call and then they're supported in that decision making. We have that conversation happens. There can be a check and balance and they can also feel like they've been heard and that they're participating in this place in space. But then we are going to default to the biological parent making the final decision about how we're going to proceed. And then the step parent must get on board to back the biological parent in that decision or you're going to.

Just, you're going to have chaos. You will.

Often what happens is we fight about it and the biological parent either just bullies their way through doing what they feel like they need to do with no support and backing from their partner, sometimes to the chagrin of their relationship, or they acquiesce to the step parent, which also causes them to feel let down, broken, dismantled, unsettled with it. And that's not going to go well either if both are going to sever the relationship between the two parties.

And we do it with grandchildren as well. Like, at the moment, I don't have any biological grandchildren. But really, it has worked. This is not theory. This has been proven over. You know, I mean, we're 14 years this November. So I mean, it's not just a couple days or weeks or months here. And we have navigated some very, very, even recently, some very significant situations. And this is how we play it. And it just, you know, and yeah, there's a lot of discussion, a lot of trust, a lot of honoring of each other's positions. But at the end of the day, that's the final card that's late. So hopefully that gives our wonderful client who asks these excellent questions, some specific help around that one, because that is a big one. I mean, blended families, I mean, my goodness, think how infrequently any of us hear good stories about that.

But there are a lot of them out there. It's just. Unfortunately, I think what creates so much chaos around blended families is we're expecting them to be a nuclear family when they are. Absolutely.

The fact that you love your significant other doesn't mean that you're. Those children are gone. I mean, come on, Again, they didn't really. They may not even like you. And that's, to be fair. I mean, so you just, you know, do your best to put yourself in their situation, I think, is an important context. So Stacy and I both come from a blended extended family, too, which gives us a lot of advantage. We have created what both of us have come from. And so that's really important because quite frankly, I don't think if that wasn't the case, I don't think we would been able to do everything we've done because we had a lot of foundation for a number of years what our mothers chose to do after both of our biological fathers passed away.

So I hope that your takeaway from our conversation today is to realize the importance that taking back your power is critical. And that doesn't mean overpowering your partner. That just means understanding who you are, what you think, what you feel. As I say, often to gain and remain in a place where you're taking the responsibility of translating your own thoughts, feelings and emotions. And turning it into a language that first you can understand, then realizing that navigating yourself from this place is your win, regardless of what your partner does. That regaining control by examining your own patterns of behavior and becoming more of the version of the person that you feel really good about and rooted in is your path to clarity, peace, hope, inspiration. And it's also your path to being able to contribute and support those you say you love. Making conscious choices about your role in the relationship. Meaning I know I have my part to play in co creation, but it's important that I listen to and understand my other person or my partner that I'm co creating with perspective. And when they don't match or they're suffering or they're struggling or they're stuck in denial, what do I do with that? I say I'm sorry you're struggling and I hope that at some point in time you'll be able to show up and co create with me when you found a place within you to do so. In the meantime, I need to go about doing what we've already talked about. That's my greatest place to remain. And not taking all the blame, but acknowledging our part is important. There's a check and balance in that as well. We can all things that the way I see it, the way I feel about it is the only way. Without realizing in that place where we were talking about the principles of co creation. When I entertain another person's perspectives or skill sets or abilities, they're not going to make any sense to me because they're not my strengths and abilities. However, when we can find a place to co create and work with those, I do become a more expanded, balanced human. And that's the gift of relationships overall. And then a focus on what you can control, your actions and your reactions, that's your part. So often in our relationships we try and control our partner to help ourselves feel better. And I want you to know that that's a zero sum game because eventually I'm going to have to turn into a version of myself to manage my partner so that I feel better, right? To control them so that I feel better that now I don't feel good about being. That's a problem. That's a zero sum game as well. I need to manage me, not my partner. I don't need to manage my partner to manage me. I just need to manage me. And what is that? I just need to ask for what I need. I need to reveal and understand that for myself. I need to be able to make decisions and choices for me. But I also need to be able to understand my partner's decisions and choices to a degree that we can figure out where it is we can co create in the middle. And if somebody is acting out and stuck in denial and won't come to the table to have these conversations, then you cannot co create with them right now. So I need to go back to doing what it is I know I need to do for myself right now. Our inner stability, or the lack of it, creates a cause and an effect in our relationships. The more insecure we are, the more we feel the need to impose our views on everything and everyone around us. The more secure we are, the more room we make for another's point of view. It's the difference between inclusion and exclusion. And if by chance from this conversation you're feeling like you need more skills and tools in order to help you navigate this often challenging place, then I'm going to encourage you to visit our website@staceybartley.com and look at all the many resources and ways that you can be supported in taking these skills, this perspective, this place, to the next level. There's many ways and places that we help and support you there. You can check that out by visiting any of our social media pages as well, but most of our information is.

Held@Stacybartley.Com yeah, and I would just wrap this up. This is Brooke's recent realization, if you will. And Brooke, correct me if I'm wrong, but this is a great reminder for all of us and I think it might catch you in a different place. Working on yourself is working on your relationship. That's where it starts. And that truly is the first and only place any of us can start. So remember, there'll be incredible benefits far beyond what you can imagine if you take that approach. At least that's our experience within our own family. And then doing this for over 10 years.

Oh, and if you have any questions, if you have any shares that you want to reach out to and share with us again, you can do that at our website, stacybartley.com please remember it's what you are that heals, not what you know. I think that's really important. It's how you show up. And remember, as human beings, we show up as good as we feel. So the better I feel about me, where I'm going, the more foundational I am within me. I show up better.

Power of demonstration.

Let's talk about a little fun today. And the little fun that I have for you is kind of in line with you, doing what you know you need to do to feel good about you. And I know no better way to tap into that place than to take yourself out on a date. Yes. Solo, all by yourself. Stepping into and allowing yourself to embark on some activity, some thing that you know always makes you feel good. For some of us, it might be finally taking the time that you you want to and have been intending to. To do what? Fill in the blank. Dance? Paint a picture, Write poetry. Be in nature. Take the grandkids out, take the kids out, get your nails done. There's a myriad and a thousand one things that you could choose from. But what is it that you know you could gift yourself the time to do? Well, make a time here in the next week to put it on your calendar and actually do will be very life giving. And more importantly, it's the emotional refueling that we very often need to continue to be the rudder through this very difficult challenges and places in our lives and in our relationships. It will give you the gas you need to continue the journey. Each and every week we choose a theme song. And today I chose a song because I heard it and I went, oh, that's perfect. But it's an oldie. Do you Listener Remember Michael McDonald? Well, I know but you and I kind of go back a few decades. Do you remember? Oh, okay, so.

So maybe he's been around for a long time.

30 somethings in our 40 somethings will really remember it. Maybe our younger won't. But Michael McDonald, man, he was the bomb back in the day. But he wrote a song called I Keep Forgetting and it was talking about this place.

That's like his most famous song.

As soon as you hear it, man, you think, oh yeah. I mean it's like wow. It's like, in fact you heard, you think Tom, I hit that remind. Send that to me. That's a great podcast song. We had it, I think on when we were taking some time off it went like, my God, it is, it's ok. Great.

And I love what he says. I keep forgetting we're not in love anymore. Yeah, I keep forgetting. I keep forgetting that we're not, you know, the same as we used to be. I keep forgetting. I keep thinking and hoping and acting as though it is the same and it's not the same. And I thought, oh, that's just so appropriate for this place. Sometimes where we're needing to navigate through the difficulty, we do keep forgetting. And Brooke and I had a great banter about that in our podcast today because we can override what's on going somebody is saying is a struggle or a concern or a disappointment or a frustration and we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll get over it. Or yeah, yeah, yeah, I know better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you said that you needed some space, but I'm just going to get in my car and drive 375 miles because I'm sure once I show up, X, Y and Z is going to happen. No, no, I know we keep forgetting. That's that's how it happens. So you can enjoy the song along with all of our songs and our playlist by going to Spotify and searching up Love Shack Live playlist. You can also visit our website again@stacybartly.com to hear this song and all of the collections that we have from our episodes in our podcast. Again, thank you so much for being here with us. It's a pleasure, truly. We so enjoy doing this and preparing this information on these shows for you. And again, as I've said already, but I'll say again as we wrap up, if you have any questions or thoughts or shares for us, we would love to hear from you and engage with you. Thank you so much for being a listener. It is truly our honor and our privilege as a family to support you on this relational journey of a lifetime. Bye bye for now. All right, it's time to leave the.

Love Shack, but before we part ways.

We want you to know how Dora.

Is always open and we'll leave the.

Porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.