#193: When Your Self-Improvement Journey Triggers Your Partner's Insecurities (Part 3)

In the last couple of episodes, we've talked about the deep frustration of waiting. Waiting for your partner to change. Waiting to have them meet you where you are. Waiting to finally make your relationship whole again. What if, despite your best efforts, focusing on yourself only seems to make the fighting worse? That's the conversation of today's episode. Could this self focus, or as I like to say, resourcing from within, be driving a wedge between you and your partner? Or might it actually be the key to something greater? Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for those standing at a relationship crossroads. If you're grappling with daily conflicts, feeling an emotional gap widening between you and your partner, and yearning to rebuild a bond that's genuine and lasting, you are in the right place. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship expert. With me is my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke. Together we're here to guide, guide you through the complexities of love. And it's really from our family to yours as we walk the human relationship journey right along with you. Today, we're diving into this question, can the tension that arises from focusing on yourself be transformed into something that brings you closer together rather than tearing you apart? We do have a tendency as human beings to get so spun up if our partner is upset. We're so spun up if conflict is something that we are bumping into. So stay with us today because by the end of this episode, you're going to learn how to manage these new conflicts with grace, embracing them as opportunities for deeper understanding and growth. We're going to share with you real life strategies to help you stay on course and reclaim your power even when the road is a little bumpy.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So let's talk about what I mean when I say resourcing from within yourself versus resourcing from others. This is key to you finding a stable foundation with which to stand in your life. What is very common right now in our relationships and in our society at large is that we are very good at resourcing from others and examples of resourcing from others. I negate the way I feel about things regarding what works for me and what doesn't. Because so and so on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok said, I needed to do it like this. This, this is the time I need to wake up. These are the things I need to do and make my day productive. These are the things that I need to behave. And by the way, we also read things like if your partner's Doing this, then you need to do this, this, this and this. If this is showing up in your life right now, then you better get busy going here, here, here, here and here. And rather than wait and think and pause and take it in and then decide and resource within myself, I just set about in my doing behavior of wanting to do it right, doing it good, doing it perfect, doing it well. Start checking boxes. And I add all of these things to my list and I don't really resource from within myself. I e Determine whether this is something that really works for me. It doesn't work for me. I just add more items to my list, check the boxes, drink a rock star, you know, and set off on my day thinking I'm going in the right direction. Meanwhile, back within the source that you are is saying, yeah, I don't think this is going to work for you. Yeah, you know, I don't know that I really want to do this. No, what are you doing? Stop, slow down. We need a rest. There's all kinds of things that are going on, but we override them. I think it's important to say that we as human beings are the only species on planet Earth that can actually override this natural inclination that happens within us. We can say, yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel it. I don't even want to spend any time to understand it. I know what I need to do. I'm just going to keep checking boxes. I'm resourcing from others. How this shows up in our relationships is very simply put, if my partner isn't happy, then I can't be. And if my kids are mad, then I need to fix it. I'm responsible. So I resource with what I think they need to help them feel better and be okay. When the reality is I'm falling apart within myself because I don't know how to resource within. It's one of the biggest problems that I see in my work with couples and individuals, quite frankly. Yes, take it in. But if I don't learn how to resource within, the world becomes a very complicated, chaotic, convoluted place with which to live and it's going to spiral my anxiety and my depression. There's no way around it because I cannot for the life of me find a place to stand within myself.

I think it can also show up for me. I'm an anxious person as most of our listeners know by now. But I can feel like I'm not going to be okay or I can't get through this anxiety unless I have input from other people. So I wanted people to hear that as an example as well because it can feel like, oh my God, my bout of anxiety isn't going to be okay until I get that text back from them or get on the phone with them or they say this one thing to me. And yeah, it's true that those things can help you, but I think the whole point of this three episode series is to remind you that you have the power to give yourself those things as well. And unless you experience it or really understand what it feels like to resource from within or give yourself that support that you need, you're not going to know the value of it. And it's easy to just brush it off and say, no, I like getting it from other people. But what you don't realize is that when you're in these really painful spots, what if you can't reach anybody or, you know, what if your phone dies and you can't make that phone call? It sucks to be stuck in those spaces.

Or what if they don't give it to you?

Yeah.

Or what if they don't say the thing that you want? So then what, you're supposed to stay in that anxious space forever?

They manipulate you?

Yeah. Or what if they make you feel ashamed about your anxiety or the problem you're having or yell at you?

Or what if they point out something that you're extremely sensitive about and that.

Triggers you, all of us to say, it can seem like getting that outside validation is better than getting it from yourself. But like what mom too said, what if it's worse? What if it makes you feel worse? What if it makes you feel ashamed? What if it makes you feel scared? What if it makes you feel triggered? So why not try to give it to yourself first and then, hey, if you need more, go ahead, get some more. But we give our all of our power away in this sense to other people thinking that we don't know what's good for us and we don't know what we need to feel better. Well, they don't know any better than you do.

They know less than you do. Right, right. They absolutely do not have the daily intel that's coming in day in, day out, day in, day out. And where they're going to resource from is they're going to resource with what works for them. And so very often I'm going to say don't do that or start doing that or I'd be fine if you would just get a handle on this. That and the other thing. Well, does that work for me? Is that selling my voice, giving up parts of myself that I really value. I'll never forget one day, you and I, back in the day were doing a periscope and you and I got on the periscope and you looked at me and you said, that hat is ridiculous. And I said, I really like my hat, but thank you for your opinion. And I truly still wear that hat to this day. Now, if I had been extremely sensitive about that and he looked and said, that hat is ridiculous. What he's really saying is, I don't like that hat on you. Well, okay, that's fine. I can accept that. But I do like this hat. And guess what? I'm going to wear it because it works for me.

But if you didn't have the power to resource from within or even know that concept, which a lot of people don't know, you could have maybe never worn a hat again around dad. You know, you could have could have said, okay, I have to wear hats in secret now, or I'm only going to wear hats when I'm not with him or any of those things. And I just want to tell a story we were talking about before we hit record on the show is I had a realization on my walk yesterday that I have learned how to resource from within. I wasn't even doing it intentionally. It just happened naturally over the course of the last eight months of me on my health journey that I'm on. And I sent a text to my fiance, Jack, and I said, never want to be the perversion of me that I was. You know, I was really struggling with my anxiety and my mental health that you didn't know what version you were going to get of me when you came home at night from work. Because I wasn't resourcing from within then. I'm not blaming myself or anyone else who's in that place. It can feel really hard and it can feel like you need someone to help you get through it. And that is true. It would be hard if I was alone. But realizing that I have tools like going on walks or eating healthier or reading a book, anything that you relate to and makes you feel better and gives you some resilience and energy back. Just going through the process of figuring out what those things are so that you have them in your toolbox is so powerful. Just the process of figuring them out what those are for you because they're different for everybody. And my coping mechanisms won't work for you and yours probably won't work for mine. So the only way you can figure out what works for you is by trying them. So I know I've talked a lot in these past couple of minutes, but I just want to say to anyone who is feeling anxious or depressed or like their relationship is hopeless or that, you know, there's nothing that they could possibly do to make themselves feel better because their problems are too big. Trust me, you can. And the only way that you will know if you can is if you try. And then from trying and figuring out the things that work for you, that is what we mean by resourcing from within. It gives you the power to know that you and you alone can make yourself feel better when. When the world feels like shit and there's nothing better than that. Like that is so self reassuring to know that you have the power to do that.

We've now changed the show to the Brooke Beautiful show.

Oh no, I love it. I love it. I think it's incredible because I think these are real life situations that Brookie is sharing. And you know, it's a place that we have to earn. Resourcing within ourselves is a place that every human being on the planet has to earn. And guess what? We're going to earn it multiple times. It's kind of like this experience in life of feeling like I enjoy being at home within myself and I know how to go there and decide what works for me and what doesn't. And I can look at what didn't work and make the adjustments and try some new things. And I'm constantly workshopping what I know and understand to be true within myself. And that is the human journey. And I would just propose to you that there are vaults and vaults and vaults of places and spaces inside of ourselves that we will spend our lifetime uncovering and discovering. And we wouldn't want that journey to ever end because then life is over. The journey of discovery and expansion of who it is we have the capacity to be in this lifetime is over. So it's a beautiful thing. It's not about getting it all done and getting it all right. It's about the uncovering of who am I now? Who am I now? Who am I now? And if I don't have a place and the skills to resource within the world is a very frightening place. I don't have a place I can call home. And I rely on others to provide that place which they can do for moments in small spaces and time. But I'm always going to find my place back to having to resource from that within myself. And it causes me a Lot of spiraling and a lot of anxiety and a lot of mental health breakdown. It's essentially, and we talk about it in lots of different ways, but it's this inability to be able to hear and know my own sense of self, that I can take my thoughts and my feelings and my experiences and I can translate them into something that makes sense to me. So much so that I can share them, but I can also adjust them and remedy what it is I need to try next. I can let go of this and try that. I can address this and explain that. And if I don't have that ability, we call it in our body of work, planting our flag. What we have a tendency to do is give our flag away to others and say, well, tell me what I need to be and how I need to say it and how I need to feel and how I need to show up and what I should be doing and the things that I should add to my to do list, and then I'll do it. And you're totally overriding the natural day in, day out intel that comes streaming in that I override and negate or I make up stories about and Brookie and our conversation before starting our podcast. You said, I make up all kinds of stories about what this means and. And why it won't work and how come I can't do it.

I also think that when you're looking to other people to tell you what to do, like, none of those things ever feel good. You write them on your to do list, but you're never like, yes, I get to do that thing. And that's like when you. All the planners, and then you fill out all the days and then you end up throwing in the trash because you never use it. And another thing, I wanted to share that when you were saying earlier about how we give our power away and we need to look for others to feel. Okay, here's a concrete example. Okay. In the past, and my parents know this very well, if a scary thing came on the news, I would need to send them or Jack or my brother Dustin a screenshot of the article. And for them to tell me that it was gonna be okay. Okay, like, that really is something that I've done my whole life. I get very scared of, like, pandemics, scary weather, scary political stories, all of those things. They used to scare the shit out of me because I'm really anxious and they would trigger me. Now I'm finding that I can read those articles and I can say to myself, this might be a problem. But we're probably going to be okay. That is a huge deal. You can realize that, like that is, is what we're talking about, guys. I just wanted to share that because that' a ripple effect. I didn't know that that was going to happen when I started going on walks and taking better care of my mental health and trying to be the best me. But it did. And that wasn't something that I was consciously working on. It just happened as a result of the changes that I'm making. So that's what we're saying when we're saying you won't have to like, look to other people to know whether you're going to be okay. Yeah, sometimes you will, but for the most part you can just know that you're okay inside of you. That's such a relief for me because always having to have other people tell me that I was going to be okay, I'm sure it was exhausting for them. Like, yeah, you'll do it because you love me. But that really shouldn't be a question that you have the answer to.

Well, and, and sometimes others that you're resourcing from, what if they're spun up about it too?

Yeah.

What if they're scared that they. That you need and. And what if they don't say it the way you need to hear it? What if. What if what they're offering up would be something that would work for them, but it's not working for you at all? And why does this matter? When are you about relationships? Because here's the thing. Especially when we're going through difficult times and places and spaces of contemplating what are we to be. And we're stuck in this place we call limbo, or the land of maybe it is one of the most terrifying places that you're going to navigate through emotionally and we're desperately looking for somebody outside of ourselves. If I'm resourcing from others to tell me that I'm going to be okay, and that can be a disastrous place to be.

Well, and that's the reason why we so often do everything we can to get this partner back. And as soon as we get them back, everything will be okay. No, it won't. No, it won't. But that's what we think.

As I've shared, it turned me into a stalker. Like I was desperate for something. Yes, I've had my anxious battles as well. I was desperate to just convince somebody that if they would just come back or we could be together that it would. I would make all Their dreams come true. Not realizing, because I was resourcing from others, I was dismantling myself. And here's a very common thing that when we start on this journey, we do a pretty good job of understanding what we're talking about. So we get started and we start taking care of ourselves. And we understand it logically, but the emotion is still kind of running the show. And then, you know what? I don't. I do know why. Here's the thing. Sometimes when I start to show up better, it then becomes conflict for my partner. We sometimes don't realize that my partner, and we've done it too, will hide behind my part in the relationship, I. E. Meaning I say some mess up things, you say some messed up things, nobody cleans it up. And so we all have our smoke screen to hide behind. And then the minute you start making it good, you start cleaning up your side of the street. Well, then I start to see that I'm not cleaning up my side of the street. And if that makes me uncomfortable or feel awkward, I might just get a little pissed off about the fact that you're growing and doing all these great things, learning how to talk it better and express yourself better and telling me you're sorry and sprinkling fairy dust and all the stuff that we talk about that just might straight up piss me off.

Well, and it's a huge dismantling of the argument that's keeping the whole thing going.

Anyway. It reminds me of when two friends or two siblings are overweight and then one of them decides to go on a healthy living journey. Makes you mad. I've been in that place when one of my bigger friends is like, I'm changing. And I'm like, no, that's gonna make me. I don't say this. I just want people to know the reason why they get mad or feel left behind or feel like you're betraying them is because it makes them look at their own shit. It makes them have to admit that they're living the way they are. Whether it be a weight loss challenge or a relationship challenge. They're messing up. They're not showing up the way they know they can.

And we see this all the time in our work where we. Because we work most often initially with one person. One person. And when that person starts to become very empowered and more importantly starts doing the emotional reps and push ups and starts showing up and behaving differently, guess what? That other person, man, you would think they would be very excited. No, no, they're pissed.

Well, and they always come in that one. The one person says, is this normal, guys? And we, you know, because they, they're like, am I doing something wrong? And we have.

Everything they've ever told me they wanted from me, I changed. I'm doing it and it feels really good. And why are they mad? Why are they angry with me? I thought this was going to make everything better. Yeah, it can't.

It can, but there's a process.

It will.

Yeah, and it will. But you just have to remember that it's causing your partner, the person who isn't on the journey, to turn and face their side of the street now because they don't have yours to focus on anymore. So it. And that's hard. That's really hard.

Change, even though it's positive, often leads to tension, especially if one partner feels threatened by the other person's growth.

Amen.

That's what happened.

As counterintuitive as that sounds.

So there's a. I see it often. So this is why it starts to become exceptionally important for you now. Resource from within your work and what you've accomplished is fantastic. It's wonderful. Don't stop. Also recognize and realize that your partner having a fit about this is actually really good news. It's the principle that when one person changes, the whole dynamic has to change because the way we used to do things no longer works. That's good. When we're in places of transformation, we need to sort through what was working. We want to salvage that, celebrate that, be grateful for that. But we also need to take a look at what didn't work. And this is collectively and personally. And we start with the personal first. So what works for me and what doesn't work for me personally. And then how does that interplay collectively? And this is where your partner is going to be given an invitation to do their part. Because this is the person I co create with as I change the question or the invitation I like to say is extended. Saying, are you going to come along with me? I'd really love it if you did. But I'm starting to experience what's possible and I'd really like to have you come along. But then there's a critical choice that needs to be made. They actually need to resource from within themselves too. Because if they come out of obligation or force or coercion or manipulation or shame or guilt, it's only going to be a matter of time. Experience what you are co creating. Breaking down again because they weren't coming along from a place of free will. And choice from that place of truly knowing that they were resourcing from within. And I want you to see we all then go back to the cycle of starting again, a new beginning where I get to know you and you get to know me from a different place. Because we are different people in a different time in our lives and we rebuild from there. Often what happens is one person, like Brookie said, is not wanting to look at or becomes defensive in their feelings of awkwardness, not being ready, not being afraid and terrified. That's the humanness in us all. We can't negate that. And yet sometimes the pull because I love you will cause me to do things and override my fear and muster up that courage more so than anything on planet Earth. So those are the gifts that we give to each other is I'll do things for you I won't do for me. And when the invitation is extended, even though I may not feel like I'm ready or I. I'm feeling the triggers and the defensiveness and the pain and the resistance, I take a leap of faith because I want to co create with you, I want to explore this with you or realize I need to let go because one person wants to move beyond where we were and I don't want to go there right now either because I'm not ready or. Or I'm mired in fear, or I need to learn some skills or a whole host of other things that really doesn't have anything to do with you. So when they become triggered, it's not because what you're doing isn't good, it's because they're wrestling with themselves. And that has to be okay, right? And if we take that personal, it's going to dismantle you now because you're trying to resource based on where they are instead of where you are.

This is pretty much what happened in my marriage that I got a divorce from is that I was being asked to transform personally in a way that didn't resonate with me and also felt I was being disrespected. But my ex husband was coming at it with not this point of view. He didn't understand why I wasn't doing it, why I wasn't changing in the way he wanted me to change. He saw it as a direct insult to him. What he didn't see was that I was struggling so much internally and I needed to deal with all of those things that I'm just now dealing with now eight years later. That's good and bad news. I just Want to share that if your partner is hesitant to change, putting more pressure on them to change isn't the answer that's just going to cause them to turn and face the other way more and more and more and more? What is the answer is seeing their humanity and seeing that the reason why they're struggling to meet you and join you where they're at is only because of their personal demons inside of them. Like, that's literally it. If you could look back to a time where you knew that you really needed to change, but the reasons inside of you were painful and doing that change was going to cause you to examine some choices and some failures and some places where you knew that you weren't. You were just doing like bad behaviors like eating too much or drinking too much or shopping too much or any of those things. Like being called to look at those behaviors is hard. Number one, you have to admit you're wrong and that you need to change. And number two, you have to do something about it. Like those are not easy things. And just because you have figured out how to do it yourself doesn't mean your partner is there. But also just because they're not changing doesn't mean they don't want to be in the relationship with you. Sometimes it's going to take them longer to get to the point where they realize that they need to make the change is possible. That's the question for you. If you have it in you to wait. To wait. To wait for them to meet you there.

Good point.

And I was just stacking on that. Brooke is what I'm sensing right now to share is like there's a huge difference when we get so excited and then passion by the changes and the finally we've seen the light, so to speak. So what we may tend to do and sometimes it's not always intentional, is to kind of weaponize that versus I always like to remind someone it's very different. I was fair to say that most of us is different when we're invited somewhere versus when we're told we have to to be somewhere. If we can come from a place of invitation and all that we are experiencing and inviting our special someone into this experience versus weaponizing it. There's a very, very different experiences for us. And so we have to remember, like Brooke just shared, it's a very careful place that we're walking to not tamper or, you know, water down our excitement. But I've been around that. We've all experienced that. And so it's a very careful Place that we want you to walk to invite your partner into what you're experiencing versus making them feel like a piece of junk.

When you're in a space where you know you need to make the changes, there's a lot of shame involved. You see it very clearly inside of yourself. You're just not sure how you're going to get there or if you have it in you to make that journey. So if your partner is continually banging on you and saying, hurry up. When are you going to do these? All that does is make the shame so much bigger. That's not the correct way to get them on the path that you know is going to be great for them. And just like mom 2 said, them doing it for you also isn't the answer. Because that's when we give up the quickest. If we don't have the why inside of us really centered about us. You know, like, this is when you do need to be selfish. You need to make these changes for you, otherwise they're not going to stick around.

And I wouldn't even say that was selfish. I would say that was life giving to yourself and to everyone. Right? Selfish is when I don't give a damn about how it affects others. That's not what this is about. The problem is that you don't give a damn about yourself and how it affects you and where you're going. And here's the thing. Think about the differences as we've all been kind of pointing to in our variety of perspectives here. Imagine somebody struggling, okay? And really floundering, which is what happens when they become sensitive and react in anger and attack and defensiveness and criticism and blame. And you're just doing. You. You found a solid place for you to stand. But yet, you know, they're shutting down, they're ignoring you, they're dismissing, they're attacking you, they're accusing you, they're angry, they're frustrated. You need to understand that. That all is this conflict. And if you were to come from a place, and I know this is hard because then when somebody attacks us, we want to go, who do you think you are? You. You sit your butt down and. And knock it off. Let me tell you all about the things that you know aren't working for me because I got a whole list, too. What if we were to say instead, I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm sorry that you're angry. I'm. I'm sorry that this is difficult. And when you're in a place where you can tell me about that I'd love to hear. I'd love to listen. Not from a place of attack. You don't get to blame me. But from a place of compassion. Like underneath it all, there is a humanness in us all that we can all relate to, to what it feels like to be afraid, to be scared, to be shameful, to feel guilty, to have messes and things that we really don't want to look at we really don't want to do, and things that we're resistant to that we really don't feel like it, but we know they're good for us too. And if we can remember those common places, then those at a deeper level in our vulnerabilities helps to create the spaces and places where we can connect and relate to each other. If it's all on the surface of defensiveness and blame and finger pointing and such, we can get so fired up that we forget that those common experiences of being an ordinary human being on Planet Earth exist. And then we can start labeling and demonizing ourselves internally or each other in these places and spaces. So it's not about taking all the blame when somebody cast a stone your way. It's about your ability to resource from within and say, do I do that? Maybe I do do that. And if I did, for the record, let me clean it up right now. And you know what? I'm sorry that you feel the need to blame me, but when are you going to take responsibility for your part? Because there always is another part. At the very least, I've gone along with it and I've chosen to not do anything different. I have participated in it. And there is the common threads that we talk about. I'm not to blame for everything, and I always have a part to play in it. I want to know and look for those things. It's about feeling good about the person that you are and the person that you're becoming. And it is from this place of being able to resource and plant your flag that you can actually find a stable foundation with which to stand on when your partner is now struggling, or maybe doing the work that you just did. And can you remember that when you were going through it, was it pretty? Did you not do or say some things that you look back and go, oh my God, I was such a hot mess. I said and did some things that were completely out of line and inappropriate in my own struggle to find a place I can call home within myself. And do you not think for a moment, even though you found your place in that space, that maybe your partner isn't doing the same. And if you take it personal and you don't have a place to stand, this in relationships, creates what I call the cause and effect. That takes us in a place that we race to the bottom where everybody is breaking down. I take it personal. You're taking it too personal. We take it out on each other. Winners. We're beating each other up. Things are being said and done that are going to be sometimes unrecoverable. And then we get to a point where we go, fuck it, I can't do this anymore. I gotta be done. It's killing me. You know why? Because it is not because other things aren't possible, but because you don't know how to get there. And it's always going to begin with both of us learning how to resource from within instead of from each other. When we resource from each other, we call that codependency or enabling. I'm not okay unless you're okay. Or as I saw in a social media post recently that just made me roll my eyes, if you really loved me, you'd be willing to drink the ocean for me. And I went, oh, my God, no. If you drink an ocean, you're gonna drown, right? That's what's gonna happen. You're gonna drown, and I'm gonna drown trying to save you. That is a race to the bottom. That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. And yet we hold those things as dear and romantic, as though that is love. That is not love. That is manipulation. That is expecting somebody to save you. And if by chance you're one of those, like I was, and I got a point to you, every time we try and drink an ocean for somebody that we love, we will drown. That is not possible for us as human beings.

Things I would say, if you really loved me, then you would take care of yourself.

Yes, exactly. 100%. And allow me to do the same. It may be different. Our needs may be vastly different, because that's often the case. But that doesn't mean we can't find a place to be happy together. Because here's why. If we come from places of. Of polar opposite spaces, and most of us do, then I want you to think of it as a contributor. It's a contributor to the whole in. It's not about me getting you to see it my way and vice versa. It's about what do we have to contribute into the expansion of us both? Because that's what's going to be asked of us. And sometimes I'm floundering, sometimes you're floundering. And if we can't be cognizant of how to resource from within and where I end and you begin, we're going to become engaged in a cause and effect, in a race to the bottom. We're going to attempt to drink the ocean and attempt to save you or be pissed as hell you won't drink the ocean to come and save me. When really that's work we can only do for ourselves. And this is why it's so important to resource from within. This is how you empower yourself and inspire others. This is the place and space that we must stand in if we help to be of any source of empathetic compassion and contribution to others. Because if I'm drowning and you're drowning and everybody's trying to save everybody, we're both going to drown. There is no other way around it. So in managing conflicts from this place, right, you feel good about you, about what you're doing, you feel good about how you're saying it like that is your win. That is the place we want to encourage you to stay, remain, be, find a rooted place there. Even though somebody might be challenging you, criticizing you, belittling you, blaming you, you. Now I want you to see, understand that that is because they are struggling to find a place within themselves they can call home. And sometimes it's messy, dastardly, ugly business it has been for us all. It's a place we earn, it's a place we must find and it's not always easy. And we usually get drug there by what we call life experiences and circumstances that continuously press on us and force us into a place that's good for us. It's the way that I like to say Gus, causes us to eat our vegetables because we know we need to. But I don't do it willingly. I do it because I'm forced into a position with my arm tied behind my back and I finally go, fine, I'll try it, I'll do it. Only to find myself going, going, hey, this feels pretty great. I think I'll do it some more. What a great idea. How come nobody told me about this before? You guys holding out on me or I start to beat myself up? Man, it was so simple. Why didn't I do that 10 years ago if I would have only. No, be grateful. It's happening now. Not only for yourself, but as you stand and let somebody struggle, you're helping them find their way too. As long as you do it from a place of compassion. I'm sorry you're struggling. I'd love to understand when you're in your place to share it with me or I'd love to hear what you have to say, but not like this. You don't get to do this no more. We're not playing this anymore. You can't beat me into submission. You can't create enough pain for others to help you feel good about yourself. That is the wrong place to come from. I need to remember that for myself. But I also need to remember that when somebody I love is going to through it and I need to do everything I can to keep myself in a good place, I have compassion. Sorry you're struggling, but then I'd better get back to doing what I know I need to do to keep myself on solid ground in that place as I resource from within, knowing that a good wrestle, a good challenge, a good fit throwing is good to help us find our way home. It's not your fault, you're not responsible. Let it be. And along the way you're going to be able to see with more clarity what's possible here and what's not. It's going to make more sense to you as you feel more confident about navigating the uncertain terrain. Because at the very least, you're going to believe in your own ability to navigate yourself through it, come hell or high water. How, I have no idea. But I believe in my ability to resource from within. I will figure this shit out with or without you. That is the place of strength and love and compassion that I want to encourage you, to continue to build within you, knowing it's okay for those that you love to struggle. Sometimes saving them is the worst thing we can do. We blow out all of the painful thing that is driving them to seek help, to seek answers, to grow to better themselves. We say, no, no, no, I'll just do it for you. Well then you've just sucked out all the emotional motivation from pain and struggle now. I don't want to do it, I don't need to do it, why would I do it? And then I don't give the opportunity for all the reward that comes after it. As I say often, and I will continue to say a thousand times, these places and spaces that we find a home within us are earned. They cannot be given, they need to be found. So in managing these conflicts, I'm going to encourage you to continue focus on yourself, your own sense of well being, feeling good about what you're doing. What you're saying, how you're showing up and how you're navigating yourself through this places. This is going to give you the ability to listen and be clear, perfect, and improve your communication and to honor where you end and somebody else begins by stepping out of the emotional escalations. Because if I can get you to react to me in a place that gives me a justifiable story about why I'm mistreating you or engaging you with the way I am, that's all I need to continue to hide behind the smoke screen. So don't take the beat, don't do it. Embrace yourself, remain in your perspective. Feel good about what you're doing and what you're saying and that will take care of everything that you need to focus on. Pain is part of life and relational help is not the absence of pain. It's an understanding of knowing how to remedy it and work with it and embrace it. It's one of our greatest teachers and will forever and always be. So I hope that gives you a place to stand today and gives you a place of why it's so important to be able to resource within instead of with others. It's not what your family or friends, your partner, your co workers, Tom and Stacy, people on social media think about any damn thing. How do you think about this damn thing and what do you feel like you need to do about it? That is your best, best place to resource from. Because nobody knows you better than you. Nobody, nobody can give you the answers that you're searching for. We can only give you places and spaces to look and contemplate with which then you resource for yourself and you and only you will be the only person that lives with the choices that you make. So make sure you feel good about them. And I hope that this episode has given you some places to resource from, some questions to ask, some things to contemplate and don't become so unraveled when shit hits the fan and it doesn't belong to you. It's okay for you to say, gee, I'm sorry you're hurting. Go figure out what you want to say, give me some ideas about how I can support you, and then by all means, come get me. And oh, by the way, I'm gonna go have a good time over here while you figure it out. I love you, I'm in your corner. It's from that place we take our power. This final thought on this, because this is a big one. It's one I'm passionate about, big time, big Time. And I would say at the heart of it all, as we like to say the heart of the matter, it is probably the number one thing we spend the most time doing with our clients because we have so forgotten how to resource from within, thinking we need to check a box, a bunch of boxes outside of ourselves. Because somebody outside of me must know better than I, and we don't. Nobody does. Again, only you do. This will give you the ability to regulate your emotions, feel good about who you are and who you're becoming, and set the stage for healthier communications and deeper connections both with yourself and others. The work of a true self is to keep our human and our being kindly tethered so that they can work together in the end. And that is the work that we are doing. Because the more insecure we are, the more we're going to feel the need to impose our views on everything and everyone. The more secure we are, the more room we make for another's point of view. It's the difference between inclusion and exclusion. In our relationships, we drowned each other because we're playing the game of exclusion, because everybody's feeling insecure and doesn't have the ability to resource from within. So I encourage you to focus on your own behavior and embrace the gift of freedom from self, reflection, mindfulness, feedback, seeking. But you and you alone make the call. And if you'd like additional support with any of the things that we've talked about here today in this episode or any of our episodes, I encourage you to check out the tools and resources that are available to you at stacybartley. Com. This is what we do, and this is what we do really well. To wrap it all up, I'll say this. The danger in staying hidden and resourcing from others is not that you're not going to be found or saved. It's forgetting all together that the part of you you're hiding is the really best part of you. Let's talk about a little fun today. I think that we should, and I've been feeling the need to do this too. So look out, baby, here I come is the little thing I call sensory therapy. Remember, we have these things called five senses. They are, you know, sound, taste, sight, touch, smell. That's the one I usually forget. Although I love smells. Let's do a little sensory therapy. Because when we get spun up or we feel like we have a difficult time resourcing or kind of flopping around like a fish out of water, which all of us can find ourselves doing at some point in Time in the human journey, I find that relying on something that gives me pleasure through my senses is really, really calming and really, really delightful. So what would it be like then to create some sensory therapy? Well, decide on a sensory that you want to focus on. It could be taste and we make a great meal or something that I've been wanting to taste and try. Or I reach back for an old favorite. Or I can't wait because autumn is coming to get those lovely pumpkin candles and bring them into my house. And it always takes me to a really great place. So I'm gonna get four. Or I want to play some music that I know always makes me feel good. Whether that's pump me up or relax me, that's a beautiful thing. Or you know what, I just, I love this, the sensory of touch. I personally do. I love to be touched. But also I have this beautiful, incredible blanket that sits on the top of our bed. And gosh, if you're probably not listening to this auditorily, but if you are, you saw Tom just smile. I can't tell you how many times I see him in there laying on that bad boy, just chilling. And I do the same because it feels to the touch, so lovely, so nurturing, so comforting. So what is your pleasure? What is your sensory favorite? And what could you do and create to stimulate those senses to give you a little sensory therapy in the next coming days and week? Think about it. Smell, touch, taste, sight, sound. Combine them, boy, you've got an epic, wonderful experience coming your way. Our song today is a little song by Avery Anna. She's a newer artist. She has a song called self love and when I stumbled across it, it cracked me up, especially for our episode today because her whole verse is, I hate the way self love sounds and I hate that I need some right now. And I hate that this self love song is being sung because I'm the only one who doesn't love and let myself in. So it's just. It's a really delightful, cute song. She's got a beautiful voice and I really, I really dug it because I can't tell you, back in my own journey of trying to find a home inside of myself, I hate hated. I literally hated people telling me that I just needed to learn how to love myself. Like, oh, give me something better. The whole self love conversation just made me want to vomit. And so I guess that's why I really loved this song, you know, I hate this song. I hate that I need some. I know I do have no idea where to get it. I hate that I'm now singing a song about it because I realize I love everyone but me. You know? This sucks. This really sucks. So enjoy this song. I hope it'll put a smile on your face and you can check out this song along with our entire playlist by going to Spotify and searching up Love Shack Live playlist. Or like I've already mentioned before going to our website@stacybartly.com and if by chance you have shares or questions about this or any of our episodes, we would love to hear from you. That's a delightful thing. We love our listeners. We love hearing from our listeners. And on that note, thank you for listening. It's been great to be here with you and share these principles and these ideas with you here today. Remember, take what you heard and resource from within. I don't care that I said it. What do you think about it? That's what's important. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave. Leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Relationship Love Shack Live community.