#194: The Effortless Love Myth: Why Every Couple Needs Skills

You ever found yourself thinking, why is this so hard? You love your partner. But despite your best efforts, the same arguments keep coming up. Maybe you've tried biting your tongue during disagreements or suggesting a date night to reconnect or even giving them more space. But nothing seems to really fix the underlying problems. It's frustrating, exhausting. And you start to wonder if love alone is really an enough. Welcome to Love Shack Live, where we dive into real conversations about the challenges couples face when navigating their relationships. Whether you're at a crossroads, facing daily conflicts, or feeling like you've tried everything to fix things, we're here to help you rebuild a connection that feels genuine and lasting. I'm Stacey Bartley and I'm joined by my co host and lover, Tom, along with our daughter Brooke. Together we've spent years helping couples like you not just survive, but thrive in their relationships. So here's the big question today. Is love alone enough to make your relationship last? Or are there key skills that every couple must learn to truly rebuild? A strong foundation, One that helps you navigate conflict and come out on the other end better than ever before.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

Many of us believe that true love bears all things. In fact, we can believe that it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. By the way, that's a Bible passage in Corinthians. Does it though? Let's be brave today and ask, is that true? And when we talk about love here, we're talking about romantic love between two people that are building a life together. We like to call it here in the Love shack co creation. Does that love truly bear all things, believe in all things, hope all things, and endure all things? Is that true? What do you guys think? No.

And just a really quick story is my best friend, Sabrina. When I was married in my past life, I had the quote all you need is love on my gallery wall. My marriage was crumbling and every time she came over, she was like, would you please take that off your wall because it's not true. Coming up with this episode made me think of that. Because while we might want to think all you need is love, it's not the truth.

We can further subscribe to these ideas that true love, if it truly is, it should also be effortless. Everything just works. They complete me. They get me, they understand me, they make me happy, they give me what I need and they don't bring up any unwanted emotions in me. That's how I know I've finally found my person.

This is now the Disney podcast.

But here's the truth. I need you to understand and know that although these beliefs make us feel good and safe in our romantic relationships, they do. That's why we love to cling to them. We want this to be true. It gives us comfort when we're struggling and when we're flailing, not know what to do. I can reach back for the realization and the awareness and the experience of I love you and I know that you love me. Surely this is going to see us through when I don't know what else to cling to. And yet the truth is, although that's true what you just said, we become connected and bonded with people that we truly love. These beliefs often do more harm than good and the reason why is we won't look beyond it. And so I want you to think of the experiences of deep love and connection with another human being as an incredible foundation with which to build a life on. But it will not be just as a foundation. Won't be the plumbing, the electrical, the roof, the painting, the accoutrements. It certainly won't feed you. So it is with the baseline foundation of love. It's a wonderful place to start, but it's not going to be the end all, be all for your relationship. There has to be more added to it. Because if we just add on nothing else but the love that we have for each other, you'll find that the foundation of love just isn't enough. That it becomes heartbreaking and disappointing sometimes soul crushing. And the thing that makes my heart ache the most in these conversations, having lived through a lot of this myself, personally, very disappointed and heartbroken in love many, many times according to the rules and structure with which I was raised in. I came from a place where I was really in tow and believed that if you just do these things and check these boxes, then you are assured and guaranteed these things when it comes to love, only to be disappointed that those things were checked, those boxes were chucked, but I was still left without what it is I needed or wanted or desired for myself and my children. It was a devastating moment. But you know what was so much more devastating than the end of my marriage and even being a single mom was the terrible things that I made up about myself in the process. That somehow I didn't do it right, that somehow I was responsible, that somehow this is all my fault. And how did I need to do more? How could I have given more, loved more, extended more? Maybe it was because those days that I just Lost my shit. Or maybe it was because of those days where I just didn't have it in the tank to go the extra mile. Or maybe it was in those days where I just couldn't figure out how to make you stop being so angry and so hurt. I felt like that was my job and that because this ended, I took all that responsibility on thinking that it was me that was the problem. And boy, can that be self deprecating. Is it my size? Is it my looks? Is it my age? Is it because I didn't love enough, give enough? So we go down this whole path because I know at the end of the day I love you. So why didn't it work? And according to the practices of my religion and my family and my culture, I checked all the boxes, why didn't it work? And then we start to make up some devastating things about ourselves. That's the most heartbreaking part for me, especially when working with individuals and couples is these self deprecating conversations that we start to go down when love hasn't been enough. When the foundation of love didn't help us accomplish what we knew, dreamt, believe, talked about, shared in co creating together. And then it just didn't go as planned.

I hear you often say it's more than love that's required to make a great relationship and be like, what? Yeah, that's really right at the end of the day, that's really what we're saying here. Look, we're all about love, we're all about family our whole life. Is that so? Please don't misunderstand us, but I think what Stacy just described is why so many people get set up for failure. Because that one box is checked. But that's only one box. And think how much your lives have changed for any of you that have been with whom you're with for any period of time than when you first came together.

So please allow me to pose a question that we don't like to ask, but we must be brave and do so anyway. Have you ever wondered why so many relationships, even with the deepest love and connection and demonstration of that love, still fall apart? If it really is love that keeps us together, is the end all be all and that survives all, then why don't we see more demonstrations of relationships.

That last when we hold on to love, or being the perfect match or finding the perfect person as the ultimate litmus test of a successful relationship, or one that's gonna succeed or stay together, that's just done so much harm, it removes the possibility of what we're gonna share with you in this episode, which I think you'll be happy to hear, but it makes us just, I guess, at the whim of fate or destiny, or finding that one specific person that's your perfect match. And if you don't find them, then you're just gonna be screwed forever. You know, that's what we think. And we know, the three of us know that there's something better than that. And I just want you to enter this episode with a little bit of excitement and some good news. That just because you are struggling in your marriage or you think you found the wrong person, or you think that love should keep you alive and you're just so confused about why it's not. We have the answers, and I want you to listen to them because I think it's going to make you feel better, not worse. It might be like, oh, God, they're about to whack me over with some really hard news. But no, that's not the case. It levels out the playing field and it makes it so everyone can have an equal opportunity at love, if you're willing to work for it.

Most successful relationships are the ones where both partners put in the effort to build key skills, but built on sound principles. Like, that's the mystery, that's really the mystery. And we get all bogged down in, are they the right sign? Are they right person? Do they come from the right family? Are they right religious beliefs? Do they have a job? Are they economically sound? Are they out of debt? Do they turn me on? Do we have great sex? I mean, the list can go on and on and on, on, on. But, you know, the handful of questions that we never think to ask is, do they have the ability to be self observant? Do they have the ability to share with me who they are, what they need, what they want, where they want to go? Do they have the ability to listen to me when I have those things to share with them? How do I feel in their presence? Do they make me feel a better person or not? Do they inspire my dreams and hopes and goals? Or do they not? And there's all of these wonderful little nuances that after we've checked all the physical logistical boxes that make sense in our brains, we forget to ask all the emotional nuanced questions and we can find ourselves in relationships where I look back and go, I never did feel good in their presence. They never did really understand where I was coming from. They never really did support my dreams. They never really did want to do the things that they told me they did in the beginning. Some of these things we find out as we go. But some of these things need to be looked for on the onset and in the beginning. And regardless of whether we find ourselves as polar opposites or not, which is very commonly the case. If we have the key skills to share what it is we need, what hurts our feelings, what breaks our hearts, what it is I would need in order to feel supported and loved. Essentially, I have the ability to teach my partner how to love me best. And I have the capacity and the emotional regulation to allow them to teach me to. Then we've got a lot to work with for the long haul. Yes, you want a foundation of love. But you also need key skills and sound principles with which to continue what's already been laid down as the groundwork of love. The myth that love is effortless is just that. I love to call it the Santa Claus story because there's two places that this will take me. We fall into the trap of believing that love alone is going to carry our relationship, leading us to avoid seeking help and acquiring new skills. So we just kind of keep crossing our fingers and hoping that it's going to go well. Or. Because I've experienced these deep feelings of love and connection with you. All of a sudden I find myself in a place where, because this is love and I've had these intense emotions with you, I'm going to twist and contort myself into something that I'm not so that I can have this. This must be it. This must be the moment. And I forget all the other things that I just talked about. And so we find ourselves in these relationships where I forced and coerced my way into them. Because here's the truth as a human being. You guys aren't going to like this. You have the capacity to love many people very deeply. And we get very lost in this romantic notion that there's only one person that has the capacity to love me fully and that I have the capacity to love fully. And that's another myth that we just need to put to rest here on this conversation. If we didn't have the capacity to love many people deeply as a human being, we wouldn't have the capacity to love our parents and our siblings and our lovers and our children and our communities and our friends. And so you start to see that this is a multiplying, expansive thing love is. And yet we can make it up that because I've only had these deep, expressed feelings with you that you're the only place that I can have it which will cause me to contort myself into things that I was never meant to be. Which in the end turns my me into a monster that I'm not happy with, that I'm not fulfilled and living. So there's, there's facets here that I hope that you're picking up on. Number one, love is a great place to begin. Falling in love with you and having those incredible feelings of love is awesome. I don't want to minimize them. And you do want those to be a part of your relationship. They're wonderful, don't miss them. But it's also a place where the journey just begins. It's the starting point, it's the jumping off point. It's the experience that I would have with another human being that would cause me to go, wow, there's just something about you I think I might want to explore a little deeper. It's not the end all be all. It's not go home, get your U Haul, pack it up, get your, get your cat and let's move in together. It's not that, it's. I want to explore more because when we start co creating together that's a big deal. It's a big deal because not only do I love you, yes, I want to have that a part of my life, but also what happens is now everything I do and everything you do impacts each other. There's no way around it. Even though we all need to maintain some sense of self, some understanding of self, what we also lose track of is where I end and you begin in this co creation. And I can very easily start blaming you for things that are not you at all, it's actually me. So it gets a little crazy in there. And so if I don't have a really good working acumen of skills to even understand myself, imagine what happens once we put it to all together and I don't have a clear understanding of me and what's me and what I need and what works for me and now all of a sudden you don't either and we just start banging on each other. It gets very, very convoluted and chaotic and unclear.

Well, I also think that in the beginning when you said how do they make me feel? Or you said questions that people need to ask that they're not asking. But I think also some of those things that you listed are skills. So I just want people to know that even if your partner is not doing those things for you right now, a lot of them can be Fixed. It's just that we don't know the right questions to ask or we don't know what skill they relate back to. But if your partner is not as emotionally mature or attuned as you are, that doesn't mean that they're not a good match. That's the old way of thinking that we're talking about in this episode. And so I just didn't want anyone to feel like, oh God, no, they don't give me that. A lot of times the reason why those needs are not being met is either because you're asking it in a way that makes partner feel defensive or like you're criticizing them. Not that you're asking genuinely for a need to be met. You're asking why they aren't doing it. And that's hitting them in a way that's making them feel bad rather than wanting them to come to the table and have this conversation with you, or that you're simply not asking and you're just hoping that they will do it for you, which is how. How we've been taught because we don't want to seem selfish. You're needy.

If someone really loves me, they know exactly what I need.

I don't even have to ask exactly that. So it's having that belief is perpetuating the problem in your relationship, but you're not doing anything about it because you don't know that that's even possible. A lot of people are like, wait, I can ask for that? Yeah, you can. But most of the time when we're asking for it, we're not asking for it in a way that's really productive.

There is an art and a skill to asking. There is an art and a skill to listening. There is an art and a skill in regards to being able to be self reflecting, meaning I get to have the ability, the working acumen, to translate my thoughts, feelings and narratives into a language that first I understand. If I don't have the skills to do that, I'm going to act out. There is no other way about it. Those are my options. Very often when somebody can't share with you what they're thinking or what they're feeling, it's because they don't have a lot of practice in that area. They don't know where to go within themselves to resource for it. And so the more we bang on them and get frustrated with them, the more elusive that skill becomes. It's kind of like banging on a child who doesn't know how to add or doesn't know how to spell, or your boss breathing down your neck, criticizing you because you don't have the ability to do X, Y and Z on the computer or lead a team effectively in your work environment. And the same is true here. It's just a skill that hasn't ever been learned or practiced and acquired within a human being. And the more you bang on them, the less likely they are to want to go look at it, practice it. They don't even know how to approach it. So truly take that in. As a human being, we only know what we know, and we're doing the very best we know how for sure. And sometimes where we come from in our families of origin or the places and spaces with which we've been raised, that's all we know. I'm either going to become a byproduct of it, or I'm going to try and do it directly opposite of what I know to be true, because I know that way isn't effective. I want to do something different. And then we're left with that. And so often, what you'll find we start our relationships out on a foundation of love. And along the way, what I call our bag of tricks or what we've picked up up to this moment in time all of a sudden is subpar. It won't take us where it is we need to go. It's got me to this point, but it doesn't have the ability to take me any further. And that's a sign that we know we need to skill up. And usually in this part, instead of the idea of, oh, I need to scale up, like, I'm at the end of my skills here, my mat process or my understanding about love and relationships. Instead, what we do is we try quick fixes like, oh, it's time to have a baby. It's time to go on a vacation. This must be the moment where I desperately have to, you know, take you to the altar and we've got to get married and we've got to seal the deal, right? I resort to ultimatums. You do this for me or else I'm out. Or threats about you pull your shit together or I'm gone. It's going along with things also that I know don't work for me, but I just will. We can't continue to do things that we know are breaking us down for our partners because we love them and think that we're going to be okay. Because here's the deal. We show up in our relationship as good as we feel, and if I'M breaking down. I can't show up. Well, what do you think is going to happen to the remainder of the relationship? Even though we love each other, it's going to fall apart. I need skills in order to understand myself, to articulate and put into a language that I can share what it is I need to say, and then an ability to master the ability to regulate myself enough that the conversation can be had. And you know what pops out of that? The solutions that we so need and long for, that we never find and discover because we won't embrace and practice the skills that help us discover and uncover those things. And so that's the difference between a quick fix and actually rolling up your sleeves and recognizing and realizing that just like principles for finance and investing and health and wellness, there are foundationally sound principles and skills for relationships, for interpersonal relationships that are built on human behavior, neuroscience and experience. Things that work, that you can count on and know will address and take you where you need to go.

I also think that skills allow you to kind of see the humanity in your partner, because instead of seeing them doing this thing that maybe is driving you nuts as an attack on you or an assessment of their character, that they're just a bad person or that they have terrible intent, you could see it as they're struggling with a skill. Like, if your child was struggling with a skill, you wouldn't think they were a terrible person. You would think, oh, they're just struggling because they don't know this. It just allows you to see your partner, who is the person in the world who you can get the most mad at and who can hurt you the most. You can see them in a different way. And I think that's helpful because it allows you to remember that they're just a human too, and they're struggling in this area and that's why they're having this behavior or not acting in the way that you wish they would.

And.

And you know that there's a path by learning the skill to get better so you understand the problem better and you can see the solution. And that sets the stage for healing to happen. When we just look at our partner and we say, what's wrong with you? And why do you keep doing this? And God, you're such a failure, does that really set up a constructive environment where someone would actually want to change? No, that just makes you bitter and want to maybe keep acting the same way, because what's the motivation there? So it, it just totally changes the dynamic and environment for you both to be better in.

I will say that something that our society and our culture at large right now, especially with social media playing in the mix, is we very much spend our time, effort and energy trying to diagnose and label and somewhat demonize our partners, the people that we love, that they've hurt us. We have some very difficult emotions, overwhelming emotions, frustrations, resentments, etc, for a whole multitude of things that are real. They've happened. But I have to ask you, with all the love and respect in my heart, if you were sitting around thinking that you're going to diagnose and label them and that that's going to take you to the promised land, there's a key piece that's being omitted, and that is this. There is always a cause and effect in relationship dynamics, meaning how I show up and you show up, affects the experiences that we both have. And although we can become impassioned, shall I say, about finding all the flaws in someone else and then demonizing or labeling them or diagnosing them, and that gives us a momentary moment of repose because it makes sense. What we fail to do also is look at maybe what my part is too. Not in an exempt of, but my part too, because there's always going to be a cause and an effect. And I'm going to say doing that work is far more liberating and empowering than sitting around thinking about all the things that are wrong with your partner. Now, I know what I just said. People are going to, you know, boohoo. And you know, we might even get a few comments about this in the podcast. But I think it must be said because to omit it creates a tremendous amount of suffering for everybody. And that's the part that breaks my heart. Like, that's the part that makes my heartache. It's not about making a mess. It's not about resisting the realization that you can be an or that you can say things that are hurtful. It's. It's about being able to empower yourself and take responsibility for it so that we can then do something different with it. We can skill up, we can move on, we can clean up the mess. And it doesn't become a fight about who's the bigger asshole, because we're all doing it. And that's where our relationships reside, is in those places and spaces we fight about who's messed it up the most. And what we fail to take responsibility for is that everybody has played their part in the mess. Well.

And I would say that oftentimes in a Couple or marriage, both people don't raise their hands at the same time when they know they need help. So by doing what we're sharing with you on this episode, meaning understand your role and you committing to showing up as a better version of yourself, is going to have a far greater effect at moving this forward, even when your partner is saying that they don't want to get involved. Why? Because we know that from 10 years of experience, most of the people that come to us, even when they're married or they're coupled, come to us individually. And so don't underestimate the ability for one person to raise his or her hand and change the trajectory of where you're at. It absolutely is a game changer because we've seen it happen for 10 years.

Well, and here's the thing. We don't realize very often that if I'm sitting around pointing fingers at my partner for all the things that they're doing and diagnosing them and taking the quiz to decide who's responsible in our relationships, what you don't probably realize is that's a very disempowering, insufferable place to reside because you're setting it up to feel stuck, like there's nothing you can do. Like everything to be understood and done is in the power and in the hands of your partner. And what is that going to turn you into? Dear soul, the very thing that you're fighting against. Show up. If that is indeed what you truly full heartedly believe, can you start to get in touch with the desperation that you feel in order to motivate them to do these things that you're just so sure are going to take you to the promised land? And what will you continue to allow yourself to do and say in the pursuit of those desperate feelings to change your partner?

You'll take every little misstep they make as a personal affront against you. Because your eyes are going to be so closely watching their behavior. Are they getting better and are they doing the things they said they were going to do? And if they make a misstep, then that's going to feel like a personal attack because you're not shining any light on yourself. And I just want to say we are not saying that it's all your fault or it's all their fault, or not acknowledging the pain that you felt. We are simply saying that when you take all of the focus off of your partner and put some of it back on yourself, it gives you some power to realize that you have the ability to make some change in your relationship. It's not about who's right and who's wrong. It's about you have the ability to make the changes that you're so wanting and that is empowering. Just like Mom 2 said, that's exciting. You can both be on this journey together rather than just focusing on the so called failure and making sure they're doing everything right. That turns your relationship into a parent child dynamic that is not going to lead you back to the loving romantic connection that you're so wanting.

You know, it reminds me how many times have the three of us heard I'm turning into a version of myself that I don't even like. Yeah, that's what happens. It does.

So true. And we just don't realize that in those practices of trying to do, you know, say you've got to do this, you've got to change or the problem, you know, here's the quiz. I know what it is. When are you going to fix this? We give all of our power away to the person that then has to make it happen for us. Instead of realizing my more empowered place, my more life giving place, the place that I'm going to feel really good about me is me to continue on and be reflective about myself and the things that I need to find as my own answers. Remember, it's my job to teach you how to love me best. And, and it's my job to also be open enough to understand where you might be struggling and where we together might need to skill up. That's what's going to help us move forward.

As someone who's been in the position where my partner had his eyes solely on me, waiting for me to make the changes that he said I needed to make for our marriage to survive. Spoiler alert, it didn't. I'm divorced.

I just want you to block all our listeners.

Well, I just want you to know that there's nothing less empowering than that that literally feels so full of pressure, so unrealistic, so paralyzing to know that any mistake you make is going to be like a mark against your record, you know, and so it makes you feel like you need to do things in hiding. It makes you feel like you have no room to breathe. It makes you feel like you're not even really human anymore because it's not a natural environment to feel like, okay, I have room to and explore and try things and figure out what works for me. It feels like you're on a very tight timeline and you have to figure out a way to do it, even if it doesn't work for you. And then you got to make those changes as fast as you possibly can or you're going to lose your life basically. Like, hello, how is that going to be sustainable or joyful? It's going to suck all the joy out of your home, and it's going to make it impossible for that one partner who feels like, okay, monkey, dance and you better dance right now. You know, And I get that the person on the other side thinks that that is what is going to work and that's what they have to do to get their relationship back, but I can tell you that is a failing strategy and it feels really bad to the person who's on the receiving end of it.

Well, and let's go back to the conversation of love. What happens to the feelings of love and connection that we once feel, have felt and shared between us?

They turn into resentment.

Yep, that's where resentment comes from. And I also want you to see that there's no emotional safety to share my journey with you. There's no way I'm going to reach for you if I need help and support, if this is the dynamic. I don't even believe in you to understand me. By the way, in my divorce, I was the person that Brooke was in love with. I was the person that said, this is what you better do or else. And I'm going to sit back here and I'm not going to look at my part and I'm just going to wait for you to pull your shit together. I was that person. And I remember my husband saying to me, man, I wish that you presented yourself to the world as less perfect. And I didn't get it. I didn't understand what he was saying. I was so busy trying to create this perfect environment where nobody could messed up, not even me, not my kids, and certainly not my husband. It had to be a tight package. I was on the path of redemption of some of my past mistakes and messes. And so everybody better toe the line. And I couldn't ever figure out what my part was. You know, I always felt like it was him until one day I realized, I'm the asshole. Oh, my God. I'm the one. I'm the one that's been putting this tremendous amount of pressure, resentment and frustration and sadness and such to this tortured soul as. As though he needed more. I didn't do anything to support it, to cheer him on, to try and understand.

Yeah, but also you were. You were responding to the societal Pressures that were on you to be perfect. So it's not. I. I also don't want people to think that I'm blaming the other person at all. I see exactly why it was set up in the way that it transpired. Makes perfect sense to me. I get why it happened and mom too gets why that happened in her relationship too. But we just want to show both sides of the coin, to show that neither one of us, I was very unhappy and so was mom too. Like, even though we were playing different parts of that dance in our respective marriages, none of us were getting what we wanted. It wasn't working, you know, and that's.

My point, is it doesn't matter if you're on the point of feeling like, look, I feel like I've got myself together, it's you that needs to put it together, or you're on the other end feeling like you're the one who can't get it together. And your partner is this reflection of being able to check all the boxes and do it precisely while you're struggling and floundering with how to do it. I want you to see, I hope what you're taking from this is that nobody had ill intent, nobody was attempting to be malicious. There was no evil scheme or plan that one person had designed to totally screw up your life and make you miserable and unhappy. And that in fact, the comment that we made in the beginning of the podcast is everybody was doing the very best they knew how. Stands true. And that I love you, that stands true. And what we didn't have is the skills that we needed in order to take the relationship further, deeper, to actually navigate through some of these very difficult and real challenges that we find ourselves in life. If I would have known that I just needed to skill up and I needed to learn some things and that I had a part to play that would have saved me years of destroying my own self esteem, self concept. You know, remember, I was the perfect one. Well, then why on the backside did I feel so terrible about me and my ability and my participation, participation in relationships going forward? Like, I dismantled myself on the backside because I couldn't make sense of it. So it must be me needing to be more perfect, right? And I could think of a thousand ways I wasn't perfect. So I imploded on myself. And that's the destructive part. That's the part that I want you to see and hopefully take away from this like, it's a skill issue. It has nothing to do with your worth or your worthiness or you're good enough or your deservability. Nothing. And everything to do with the skills and the principles that you don't understand about love, life and relationships. Like they're real and we should learn them earlier. I get it. But you know when you're going to learn them? When you're suffering and you finally go, damn, I gotta learn some skills. I can't. What am I doing? Time out. Yes. And that can be a really good place of transformation. And good news, as difficult as it is, as I like to say to our clients, look, let's get the ROI out of all of this. This is hard. We struggle through these things. But there are answers. There are. And to just continue to struggle, bad, it's just sad. You don't need to do that. Some of the things that I want to highlight in regards to why love isn't enough is you as a person change over time, which creates change in your relationships over time. So what worked in the beginning, 25 years ago, 10 years ago, five years ago, three years ago, is maybe not going to work now because I'm in a different place, you're in a different place, we're in a different place. What we're navigating is different. And I don't know if you've noticed or not, but life tends to take on some momentum as you live it. Like it continues to like glom on more. As we add children and a mortgage and dreams and desires and businesses and.

Family and lots of disappointments, it tends.

To take on more. The thing we can count on as we go into the future is that more will be added to our plates. And how do we navigate that? There's a tipping point for all of us in regards to our maturation process on our skill level, that some point in time we find, find ourselves lacking in these places. And the really good news is you just need to scale up. Like, if I found myself in a place business wise, that I was now out of balance and I didn't know what to do, guess what I'd do? I'd start looking for answers. And the same is true in my relationships, in my romantic relationship, the one that impacts my life on every single level. If I find myself in a place of struggle and I, I don't have the skills or understanding necessary to take me somewhere. I desire to go. Guess what we need to do? Skill up. Learn some skills, some understanding, Explore. Because those are the things that are going to help us uncover the answers that will continue to elude us until we learn how to have the conversations with skill that we need to have so that we can uncover them. The next one is we only know what we know. These things that we know in the places and spaces that we come from, although they can be very good and empowering, also have a limited shelf life. And there's probably going to be a point in time where we need to expand that learning. Because everything in my life is expanding as I'm expanding our lives, our worlds are expanding. And so there's going to come a point where I probably need to learn more than I know right now. And each new person is a human being. And here's the thing. At the heart of it all, we're messy. We make messes. We're going to screw it up. That's how we learn best. And so it is with love. I don't mean malicious intent. But it's only a matter of time before I'm probably going to make a mess. I'm going to say something I really didn't mean or I'm going to be short tempered or you know, I'm going to forget something that was really important to you because I'm so lost within myself. And it's not because I'm malicious, it's because I'm a human being and I need to learn and I need to expand and I need to grow and that's all there is to it. I'm messy. And so where do we allow for that messiness to be right? I choked the life out of my previous husband because he couldn't be messy. And I also choked the life out of myself because I couldn't be messy. And I choked the life out of our children because they couldn't be messy. So at the end of the day, we're messy. And so what do we do with all this messiness? Hide it, Stash it, Keep it in secret? Pretend it's not happening? Live and pretend. An illusion. Like those are the things that we do as we fracture parts of ourselves off to try and live in the pretense that everything is fine over here. What's your problem? We become more angry. We become in a place where we cope more, we act out more, we lash out more, our tolerance is low, our regulation is low. And it's all because I'm trying to keep up this pretense that I don't make messes. The hell you don't. Are you human? Well then you do. Let's just call it what it is. And to get through them, to clean them up, is a skill. Each New person is going to make messes. And without the right principles and skills, you're going to tend to get stuck in negative coping patterns. Because, after all, we don't know what else to do. It's not because you're a bad person. It's not because your partner is a bad person. It's because we don't know what else to do. So all that to say skills like emotional regulation, communication, conflict resolution, they don't come naturally, which is why even the most loving couples will struggle.

Well, I would just like to ask the listener and us three included the three things that you just named. How much time, honestly, have any of us invested in becoming better in those three areas that Stacy just shared? Like, hardly any or none. It's nobody's fault, really. But why weren't these part of the list that I needed to make sure I was good on before I chose to get in a relationship with somebody else? Good question. We hear often. Why haven't I learned this before? That is a great question. We don't know. But this is why we do what we do. Because literally, it's not that you're inferior. Superior. But most of us just don't spend any time here other than when that relationship house is burning down. That's okay. Sorry. That's happening. But your attention is high now. So now we have your attention. So that's a good thing. Because otherwise probably you wouldn't be listening to us.

Right.

So it's just. Come on, let's just look at it objectively. We just don't spend a lot of time in these areas other than we are forced to.

Yeah, but those don't come naturally.

No, they don't.

And I'm going to tell you what does come naturally. What does come naturally for us as a human being is acting out passive aggression.

Manipulation.

Manipulation.

Defensiveness.

Yeah, we're really good at all those.

Which is going to compromise your most precious feelings of love because it sacrifices your sense of emotional safety. And so if we don't scale up, our natural default is going to be all the places of coping that we've probably learned from our families of origin, from our culture and from society at large. And you don't have to look very far to see them. And it's going to validate that you're on solid ground when actually you're not. You're not at all. There's a wonderful quote that I've been saying a lot lately, which I experienced personally just a few days ago. It's not what you don't know that's going to hurt you. It's what you think you know for sure and couldn't be more wrong about this going to cost you everything. So it is. We can think we're on such solid ground, but are we? We can think that it's all my partner, but is it? We can think that it's somebody else's malicious intent, but are we sure? Do we vet these things out or should we do another pass on this and just look at all parts and pieces and, and don't be afraid because it's very empowering. That's how I give my power away is I think it's all somebody else's fault. When really what would be more empowering is to look within where I might need to scale up. Let me focus on that.

I want to remind the listeners or ask them to think how many times do you make up something in your head, validate that belief without asking anybody any questions to see if it's true and then act accordingly to that. So you make up that your partner did that thing because they had it coming for you, or they were mad at you, or they were resentful, so that's why they're acting that way. And then you act back to them the way that they acted to you. Meanwhile, they were just having a bad day and it had nothing to do with you, but you made it up that it was because of you. That's just a very small example. But think about how many times you do that on a daily basis. That's another example of a skill you have to ask. You have to vet these things out to make sure that you know and are doing and are acting according to what is really true, what's really happening. We all do that. It's a very natural thing to do. But a lot of times we make up something that is the opposite of what really is happening or what really is true.

I totally agree. I. I can feel like I'm so certain and in that certainty then I start to live congruent to it. And what does that make me? Right? I. I want you to think, how do you interact with somebody you believe is an in your life? I love that one because I can so relate to it. It's like, well, if I think you're an asshole, then I'm not going to talk to you. I'm not going to think about leaving dinner out for you, certainly don't want to have sex with you and I really don't want to give you the time of day because you know why you're an so just think about how you show up when you believe that somebody's treating you like an and then you start to realize, oh, damn, I'm probably not doing any better. I'm probably behaving in a manner with which I'm perceiving you as. And maybe we're both doing it. And that's usually where the conversation devolves, because we both can. Everybody as a human being, we can be all things. We have the capacity to be all things. That's where we might start having arguments about who the bigger is. No, you are. No, you are. No, you are. Well, you're bigger, you're better. You do it worse than I do. You know where. Okay, time out. Where this taking.

Or who's more tired or who does more chores or who picked up the kids last time.

Who makes more money.

Yes. Like, just. They're all so silly, and they're all based in false beliefs about each other that we haven't spent any time vetting out. And then we wonder why we're sitting in separate rooms crying and our relationship has broken down to nothing, you know?

Yeah. Just to back this up, the Gottman Institute, they've done more research on relationships than any institution I know of, and they're a leading authority on relationship dynamics from a research perspective, which is what makes them the authority in these places. And I just want to point out that they have statistics that if you skill up, if you learn relationship skills, that you're 80% more likely to experience relationship stability and satisfaction compared to those who don't. Wow, 80%. Like, wouldn't that start to highlight the concept and the idea that maybe there really is some skill that's related here, that we don't just get to, like, think it's gonna just because I love you, we're gonna be fine. Love will see us through.

Give it some time.

Give us some time. It's going to be fine. You will experience significantly higher levels of satisfaction and longevity compared to those who don't develop these relationship skills. 80%. Like, that's huge. The consequences of not developing relationship skills, it is a tremendous amount of unnecessary suffering and heartbreak. You make up terrible stories about yourself that you live congruent to. You make up terrible stories about your partner that is going to shatter them, break their hearts, etc. So when we don't really address the real issues, we can also end up repeating patterns to everybody's demise and destruction. Here's what I know to be true. Love has the power to Build us up to revive us, to bring in new hope, potential, possibility. And the expansion of it is incredible. It's amazing when you're falling in love or you feel those feelings of love, that anything in the whole wide world is possible. Anything I can be, anything I can do, anything I can go anywhere. And I want you to remember that that same power that love carries in it also has the power to destroy us if we don't stay in that place of love and expansion. Because the minute that that love turns to resentment, disappointment, anger, belittlement, entitlement, victimization is the minute that that incredible glorious power has the power to destroy us both. And sometimes we don't think about it like that.

Somebody's be weaponized.

It can totally be weaponized. And because it's such a powerful force, it has the power to do both. Which is it? Is it a power source of expansion, possibility, new hope, new life, new creation? Absolutely it is. And can it be the most destructive force that causes us to break down, implode, destroy ourselves and each other? Yes. So how are you using it? How is it that we play with and dance with the most powerful force known to man, and yet we have no skills, studied practice to dance with it? It's just supposed to be fine. This all is making me think of an incredible quote by Pierre Chardin, a French poet. I know there's a middle name in there and probably, you know, not speaking correctly, but Bricky, tell us the quote. Like pull that up. I think this would be such a beautiful place to insert it in our episode.

The quote is, someday after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love. And then for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.

Sometimes we don't think that we're playing with fire, but we really kind of are. This conversation of love is the most emotionally impactful endeavor that you will ever embark on in the human journey. And we're just supposed to be good at it? Like we're just supposed to know how. Like, it's like children playing with fire. We don't understand so many of the principles and nuances and look, I'm not professing I know them all, but what I do see in the work that I do is that we are so ill prepared. Where do you study love and relationships at least as much as you do learning how to drive a car or bake a loaf of bread, for God's sakes? And the answer that we come up with is zero. We don't do any of that. Well, it probably highlights then why things don't go better, doesn't it? Why we don't have more longevity out of our relationships. And if we do have longevity, we're eking it out not because we're still madly in love, but because what the hell, we've got all these years together so we just plod through and we call it good. There are better ways. There are skills. And my encouragement to you is don't wait. Like skills can be learned, things can be improved, hope can be regained, and that what you want to create and that you believe and know in your heart is so real and so possible. It's not about you not being perfect or your partner not being perfect, not doing what you need. It's not about pointing fingers and who's to blame. We're all messy. It's about skilling up. It's about stepping in and learning. What you need to know and understand about relationships is going to take you where you know you want to go. So what I want to do right now is encourage you, if any of this resonates with you, to get on the wait list for my save your marriage a blueprint for avoiding divorce program. It offers a structured, skill based approach to rebuild a strong foundation in relationships. And oh by the way, not only will it work in your relationship intimate wise, it will affect and help you re perceive all the relationships in your life. Here's the thing. Even small, consistent changes when supported by proven strategies can lead to significant improvements in your relationship dynamics. They provide much needed emotional fuel of hope, compassion, empathy and it's all right here for you to take advantage of. So get on the wait list and here's the deal. You'll be notified first when we open the doors here shortly. So this is the place where you can come and actively seek and learn and practice the skills that are going to help you and your relationship thrive. So if you're ready to learn those skills We've been talking this whole episode about build a stronger relationship.

Get on the wait list@staceybartly.com waitlist perfect.

And you'll be the first to know when enrollment opens and you'll get exclusive tips and early bird discounts. Stop waiting for things to get better on their own and start learning and practicing the skills that can transform your relationship today. So love is a beautiful foundation with which to build a life together. However, without the right skills for navigating the inevitable ups and downs of life, it becomes very difficult to create what we truly desire a long lasting, fulfilling relationship and it has nothing to do with your worth. I have to keep emphasizing that, or at least I feel inspired to. The good news is skills can be learned and it's never too late for you to start. Well, I had to stack the follow the fun honor conversation today because skills is an important conversation. And so I thought, where do you need some new skills? And so I encourage you right now to take a moment and describe a limitation in your relationship that you're struggling with right now. Like, just face it, look at it, what is it? What's the limitation that you sense in your relationship right now would help you move forward? And then ask yourself, what is a new skill that you're being asked to learn that you don't currently possess that would allow you to pursue a new direction? Like, what would it be if you could imagine what that skill would be? Is it regulating yourself? Is it understanding how to support your partner when they're dysregulated, or your children for that matter? Is it learning how to put what you need to say in words or even where to go to look at and resource from that place? Like, where is it that you see your own personal limitations? Because here's the thing, you know you better than I do, and so there's no better person to look at that than you. You know more than you think you do. Sometimes it just takes a little courage to look there. What new skill are you realizing you need? When you look at the limitation of what's happening for you right now, then you know what I want you to do? I want you to send it to us. Here's the skill that I'm missing right now. Here's the skill that I want to inquire about. Do you teach such skills? Skills ask me any question.

Where did they send it?

Oh, wow. There's lots of places you can send it right from the podcast directory that you're probably listening to. But you can also go to my website, stacybartley.com and you can send us an inquiry from there.

You can even speak it, share it with us auditorily.

Yes, you can.

Don't even have to leave your name. You can just share it and don't even leave your name.

The song that we selected for today's episode is Leon Bridges. Peaceful Place Man. That's what. That's what skills give you. That's what an understanding of relationship principles and what's normal and not normal in relationship gives you a peaceful place. And his lyrics say I'm in a peaceful place. I found someone that no one can take away from.

I found something.

I found something no one can take away. Yeah. And that's what skills do. That's what understanding underlying principles do. They give you a sense of peace and a place of foundation with which you can build a beautiful life and a beautiful relationship upon. You can listen to this week's song along with the entire Relationship Playlist by going to our website page, podcast page, or search it up in Spotify Love Shack Live playlist. I hope you've enjoyed today's episode. It's been a pleasure to put it on for you, to create it for you. And please let us know how you liked it and if it inspires any thoughts, questions, shares. I'd love to hear what skill you're feeling would make a huge difference in your relationship today. All right, have a wonderful week. Look forward to being back here next time with you. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.