#196: How to Communicate Emotional Needs Before Resentment Takes Over

Did you know that 67% of relationship problems are never fully resolved, often because the real emotional needs behind them go unspoken? The reality is, most resentment in relationships is not caused by what is said, but actually by what is left unsaid. That's important that you think about that for a moment. Have you ever felt neglected or misunderstood by your partner needing something more? Maybe attention, affection or emotional support, but you never asked for it or revealed the fact that you were longing for it directly. Over time, that unspoken need grows and before you know it, a small misunderstanding turns into a massive fight over something else entirely. Hi, I'm Stacey Bartley, relationship expert and host of this podcast where we help people at crossroads in their relationships reconnect, rebuild, and rediscover the love that they once had. I'm here with my co host and lover Tom, and our daughter Brooke, and together we're here to help you navigate those difficult conversations and deepen your connection with that special someone in your life. Today we're asking, why do we keep letting these unspoken needs pile up? And how can we start talking about them before it turns into deep seated resentments that are difficult to let go of? We'll share real life stories with you, practical tips and simple scripts that you can use right away from to make sure that your partner knows what you need and to help them love you in the way that feels validating to you. So let's dive in and figure out how to stop these unspoken needs from turning into silent presentments.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love shack.

I remember working with a couple where the wife felt ignored for months and she wanted more quality time, but never said a word. You know why she didn't say a word? Because she felt like it was going to hurt her partner's feelings. And then one night out of nowhere, they were in a screaming match about some dirty dishes and the real issue, she felt invisible and she had no idea about it, even herself. So I want to share with you something that I teach every new client at some point in time that comes into my world. It's a little thing that I call the movie analogy. And the movie analogy is just this. Through the experiences that we have in our lives as we sift through what works and what doesn't work for us personally, we create and link up our past experiences, our present hopes and dreams and our future hopes and dreams into a place that we call a movie. And in my movie, it can be triggered often about what I think is going to happen next. And when I do that Movie plays and it tells me, in my own mind and my own narrative, in my own perspective, what's about to happen next or what will happen when I fill in the blank. The movie is constantly playing. We can't even get away from it when we sleep because we're going to dream. We are constantly working out what works for me, what doesn't work for me. And I'm making up an entire narrative about what I think is going to happen. And I need you to understand that these movie narratives are the holy grail of all truth to each one of us as an individual. Like, I believe so, says everyone, that my movie and the experiences that I've had and the thoughts that I'm experiencing and the motions that I experience as well is the truth. And I don't know what's wrong with your movie, but my movie is correct. And I want you to see that this also creates a lot of the conflict that we find ourselves raging in and experiencing in our relationships. We all have a movie. We are all going to continue to have a movie. I think Berne Brown calls it a story. And this story or this movie that I live by can very often run what it is I'm willing to do and not do based on what I make up is going to happen. But here's the thing. A couple of things you need to appreciate about your movie. Number one, you're the only one in the movie theater of your own mind. Nobody else knows what you're thinking and what you're making up is true, even though it seems obvious to you. And number two, nobody is having your movie. Nine times out of ten, they're having their own movie experience. And so that's what creates a tremendous amount of the conflict that we experience in our relationships.

And I would say it's why skill is required. Because all seven and a half billion of us on the planet, or whatever that number is, we're all at a different internal experience. So we need to start having some exchange between. Between these very different experiences. Yet we think, oh, no, this is how everyone sees it. It could not be further from the truth.

Right.

Well, and then add on all of the societal rules of relationships that we've been taught or adopted. Like, you don't want to seem too needy or you can't tell someone what you want that's too bossy or it's not romantic. And then there's all this competing messaging going on that makes you very unsure about yourself. And then it leads you to not say what you need, and then you're living in your movie thinking that you don't matter or your partner doesn't really love you, or if they did love you, they would just know all of those things. It really plagues us in our minds.

We're just gonna loop John Mayer's song, say what you need to say repeatedly for the rest of the episodes.

Yes, but. But we need to talk about some things as to why that's so hard. Seems so simple, right?

Yeah, but all the things I just said, you know, you don't want to, you don't want to, and then if you do say it, if you get up the courage to say it, that you've had this need for a long time or something is missing, then how do you make it so your partner's feelings don't get hurt or they feel like a loser for not knowing, or they're like, God, you've needed this all this time and I didn't know. There's a lot of layers to it.

Let me ask you, babe, because I know we've heard it, Brooke and I, all of us, when we've even been in small group, but how many times have we heard someone that we've working with say, can I really say that? I mean, really, Someone says, can I really say that? Because they are like, oh my gosh, I didn't realize that I could say that. Yes, there are more effective and less effective way to say things. Please. Absolutely. But if you're not able to say it, well, then how would we ever know? Really? I mean, that's really the great hundred thousand dollar question. If we're able to say what we need to say, it's going to take so much mystery out of the process.

Well, here's the. If you don't share it with your partner what you're feeling, they're going to fill in the blanks themselves. And trust me, that mental movie that they're making up when you don't say anything, because that's usually the place where we'll hedge the bet. I just won't engage, or I just won't really tell them what I think and feel or what it is I want.

Or they'll know anyway. They'll know it.

May not even believe that they'll know. I just don't want to upset them or have them get defensive or have it turn into a fight or you.

Think if you, if you just don't say anything, it will just blow over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's. It's my safest bet to just ensure that Everything goes well because before I've tried to say something that didn't happen and it went all in a hand basket. So I'm not going to do that again. So we make it up that not saying anything is my best option. But here's the part that we typically don't know. If we don't say anything, you know what happens. It's not that the narrative just has a blank in it with the movies that are streaming between us. And by the way, a relationship is co creation and so we're constantly adding to version of what that co creation is. And if my partner doesn't fill in their part of the narrative, no problem, I'll just go ahead and fill it in for them so that I have a streaming narrative or movie within myself that makes sense. And what I'm going to fill it in with, being that I'm left to my own resources and cognitive thought, is some version of my worst nightmare, I. E. My personal fears and insecurities. Like the worst possible thing that I could imagine happening being the truth is the thing that I'm going to insert in the blank space. And here's the thing that's important to note, then I'm going to live congruent to that in my life. So let me just ask you, how do I show up in my relationship if I believe that my partner truly doesn't believe I matter or doesn't care about me anymore? How am I going to show up in a place, in a space where I truly believe as an individual in my co creation that that's the truth? Because when I plug that narrative into my movie, that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to show up like that. Do you think that I'm going to want to engage in a conversation with you? Do you think that I'm going to feel safe to share my innermost thoughts and feelings? Do you think that I'm going to want to have sex with you? Do you think that I'm going to want to go out of my way to spend additional time with you? Probably not. Not because it's not possible, but because of what I'm making up in my movie. And it's really important for us to take stock of that thing I just said because when you think about it as exceptionally profound, I don't really know what my partner needs or wants or I don't really know what my partner's perspective is because so often I haven't even asked them, haven't really inquired because I'm Too afraid to ask, to know, to bring the conversation to the table. So instead, I will insert what I believe is the truth based on my own fears and insecurities. And then I'm going to live congruent to that. And that, my dear listeners, is how we go from being the best of.

Lovers to the best of strangers.

Best of strangers.

When we have conversations like this, it always reminds me of that meme where it's a couple laying in bed and the wife says, God, he hasn't talked to me all day. He must be so mad at me. And then it. That's the wife's thought bubble. And the husband's thought bubble is, why isn't my motorcycle starting? I can't figure it out. It's like, gosh, that's so true. There's been so many times where I've been 100% sure that Jack was mad at me, but he was just thinking about something at work or a problem he couldn't figure out. But just like you said, we're too scared to ask. Or we do ask, but in the wrong way. Like, I know you're mad at me. Why won't you tell me what you're mad about? And then we wonder why they don't want to come to us with their real feelings.

Or my favorite is, what's wrong? I know there's something wrong. When are you going to tell me what's wrong? You just won't tell me, will you? And they're like, no, I'm. I'm fine. Really, I'm good. No, I know that look on your face. Don't tell me that there's not something wrong. And then all of a sudden they look at you and go, well, I wasn't pissed, but now I am. Okay, yeah, you got what you wanted. Now I am. And this is a classic of what we're talking about here, where our worst fears and nightmares are something that we make up as true, and then we live congruent to them, and then we act them out as though they the holy grail of all truth, and inevitably is going to create what it is we are so fearful is the truth. Instead of just vetting it out, having the conversations that we need to have. When you don't express your needs, your partner fills in the gaps with their own assumptions. And those assumptions are going to be resourced from their own internal fears and experiences. Really from a place of like, get your popcorn, get your Coke. This movie narrative that you've just inserted is really going to kick your fanny. And Then you're going to live congruent to that which often creates the conflict and the divide that we experience over time in our relationships. The movie in your head rarely matches what you're actually thinking is happening. It's important that we learn how to understand that and how to navigate that. What I'm making up and feeling is true may or may not be true. For Tom, nine times out of ten, I just know to understand that it is not instead of assume that it is the same and they're going to get where I'm coming from. Every time I assume that they get where I'm coming from. I couldn't be more wrong. They're totally having a different experience themselves. This movie framework helps illustrate how unspoken needs lead to the misunderstandings that we experience and why clear communication is crucial to prevent resentments from taking root in our relationships. We need to learn better ways to express our emotional needs openly and clearly to avoid misunderstandings and resentments, which will lead to healthier dynamics in your relationship. And it has to begin by being able to understand your own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Because if I can't do that work myself and I'm just in a mode of reaction, then it's not going to go well. Translating my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions into a language that I first understand is work that only I can do. Because I'm the only one that has access to my movie narrative. I'm the only one who can make sense of where it is I'm going and what I'm making up is true in this moment.

And I bet a lot of listeners. Yeah, I got that one down. And Stacy shares often with great love and respect. No, you don't. Because the greatest percentage of people that come and start working with us, however that is privately or in our small groups, it's like a deer in the headlights when we ask them this question. They literally, they have no idea what their needs and wants are. Why? Because remember when you were little? What do you think, Johnny? The world revolves around you. Come on. It was taught out of us, so it really is reclaiming that it is. Okay, number one, to understand what those are. Stacy, we say this often on our podcast and then be able to share that with our special someone that is not being selfish.

Well, and I think it's also really important to point out that most of the time we don't know what we want. All we know is what we don't want. We're stuck. We know we're not happy. This isn't working. Something needs to change. But we never have more than that. You need to have the solutions that would make the problem better available to you. Part of our brain isn't even available to us because we've kind of been conditioned, just like dad said, to not think about what we want because we think it's selfish. But in our society, we really focus on the negative, which is what we don't want. So it keeps us stuck in that place because both us and our partner know that this is what we don't want. But we don't know how to do anything different. And so that makes the conversations that need to be had out of reach.

Yeah, because all we're going to do is bang around on what's not working. We've got that one down. We've probably gone round and round about who's doing what and why it's not working and how it makes me feel and how it's so messed up. And very often in these conversations, we find ourselves in a conversation of competition, like, who's the bigger asshole here, me or you? Based on the evidence, we're constantly comparing and judging ourselves and each other, who screwed this up and who's responsible, as if that's going to take us to the promised land, and it never does.

Well, and that's why we. I mean, I heard it yesterday on some clarity calls, Tom. We have the same arguments over and over and over. Well, this is why. Because you've already hashed out. Both of you are miserable, and we just keep banging on each other's misery. Well, that's not going to get us anywhere.

Well, that's why talking about what you do need feels so weird, because we're just so not used to it. Just think about in your life, you don't really ever talk about what you need. We all talk about what is not working. I know we're beating a dead horse here, but the thing that is leading to the resentment is that you are not sharing with your partner what you need. So that requires you to kind of change your whole style of thinking in your life. The reason why you're not getting what you need is because you're not talking about it. But the reason that you're not talking about it is because that's not really how we think. And on top of that, you don't know what you need. So, first of all, you don't know what you need. Second of all, you're expecting your partner to just give you something that you don't even know what it is. If you kind of Lay it out and examine it in the way that we are. You realize it's an impossible premise on the surface. But when you dig down deep into it, you realize no wonder this isn't working.

And here's the thing that's so ironic. You know, where our focus is trying to determine what our partner needs and why they do what they do, I'm missing what it is I have the ability to do, which is sort through what I want and need. And where my focus is is not on clarifying what that is. What it is on is why my partner is doing what they're doing and what I think their problem is and what they need. And I'm probably on the Internet taking all the quizzes to diagnose them. And that just adds to my malicious think thinking in that they're this horrible things and that they're being very intentional about the uncomfortable emotions and thoughts and feelings that they're bringing up in me. And how dare they? Like, how awful can when be when.

The truth is, if we gave you a piece of paper and trust us, we do this with our clients and said, write down five things you need, you wouldn't even be able to write down one. Like, you would not even be able to name one thing that you need that could make this situation better because you're so focused on why your partner is and giving you what you need.

But I'll tell you what my partner is. I got that one figured out. As if. Now, here's the thing that's interesting. You don't have access to the intel to know that. You really don't. Everything that you've just come up with about your partner is a leap of assumption based on your movie narrative, not theirs. The truth is you don't know why they do what they do. And if we were actually in a place where we could have the conversation and they could allow you to share with you the emotional motivators as to why they do and say what they do. You know, a funny thing happens.

It's all going to make sense.

It would all make sense.

We just haven't asked them.

I always say this just because we said it would make sense. We didn't say it would become okay or it would remove all of the problems from your relationship. It would just allow you to understand why things were happening, which I want you to know. Many of our relationship problems come from a lack of understanding simply because we don't have the intel that we need to have. We're just making it up. And then we make up shitty things, and then we act off of those shitty things. It's. It's a very vicious cycle that we often never get out of for decades, lifetimes.

When needs are unmet, we tend to assume our partner doesn't care, when in fact, they may simply just not know what you're making up is true, or they're thinking that what you want and what you need is something completely different than what you really are longing for. And this disconnect is a place and a problem where the conversations that we need to have is the exploration of those things. They don't know that they're missing something that is so important to you, and they feel like you, their partner, is missing important, crucial things that they need. And both of us are perplexed in regards to why. It's not obvious, and you can't just pick up the ball and run with it. So hence, resentments grow when we become convinced of our partner's malicious intent. However, we never bother to vet it out. These are all things that we're thinking and experiencing and making up as true. And if you're sharing them anywhere outside of your journal or yourself or your own perspective and conversation, you're probably sharing them with your friends. I was just gonna say that.

And talking about what an idiot your partner is for not giving it to you when you've never told them that you wanted it in the first place.

Well, so recently, Janet, if you're listening to this episode, I just want you to know, from my heart to yours, it was so great to see your face in our Better Love Club community last Monday. Which, of course, is why their story is front and center as such a great demonstration and example of what it is we're talking about. Rich and Janet were clients of ours five years ago who are, I'm happy to say, happy and. And still thriving in their lives and in their relationship to this day. But realized five years ago when they reached out to us, Janet had filed for divorce, and her personal therapist had told her that Rich was a narcissist and that she should leave him immediately, that she was never going to be able to find happiness in her life with him. And I want you to realize that nothing could have been further from the truth. Rich was not a narcissist. He was a person who just had a really difficult time putting into words what it is he felt and what it is he thought and what it is he needed. And Janet was struggling with her own issues of not being able to value herself, her worthiness, her joy and that she indeed couldn't give herself any credit for just being the incredible human being that she was. So round and round they would go, expecting each other to fulfill the other, having needs and wants and desires from their partners that they couldn't seem to give to themselves. And when each of them inserted the narrative about what they thought the other person was doing in their relationship, what ended up happening is they destroyed themselves. Because what was being inserted was on Rich's side, the. The fear of not being able to say and express what it was that was too scary to do, that didn't know how. And on Janet's side, assuming that, that he was thinking the worst of her because she thought about those places and spaces inside of herself and they would act those out. So once they gained the skills and the ability to communicate, everything shifted their beliefs about themselves and each other went on to allow them to co create something exceptionally different. And that's important because we, in these places, in our movies, make up things that are simply not true and then we live congruent to these things and then take them out on our partners. Instead of gain the skills and the understanding of the principles, they're going to lead us to further understanding ourselves. So that I can see I'm not a piece of shit. I'm actually very worthy and I do really great things. And these are the things that I've uncovered for myself that I would like to explore with you. And on Rich's side, wow. I really do have the ability and can muster up the courage to express to you what it is I need and what it is I want. I just didn't know how to do that and so I acted them out and pretended like I didn't care. Instead, those are the differences that principles and skills can bring into your relationship. So this brings me to the point of this whole podcast. Teaching your partner how to love you best is your job. It is your responsibility. Because what you need and what you want is very unique to you. Sure, we don't have to look very far to see very platitudish conversations about, yeah, we all want improved connection and we all want more love and maybe even more sex and deeper intimacy in our relationships. But really, what is it for you? Because it could be very different than what I want versus what you want. I might want somebody to jump out of a hot air balloon with me because I know it creates a thrill and I can bond over that. You might want a quiet evening in with candlelight and soft music and a wonderful meal prepared for you. And we would both be talking about these two different things, vastly different things in the space and place of I just want to spend time with you. I just want connection. I just want intimacy without realizing what we're really talking about are miles apart. And that often happens in relationships where we say, I just want to spend more time with you. And your partner's thinking, well, we just spent all day together, right? I just spent the last 12 hours of my life with you. What more do you want? But I'm looking for something more specific than that. I'm looking for you to tell me how much you love me and want me and desire me. And I'm looking for you to create something special for me. But I never say so. I just go along with and continuously add to the resentment because of the disappointment around hoping and then not getting what it is I want. But I never say so. So it is our job to teach our partners what it is that we want and need. Because if we don't do that, we are 100% guaranteed to consistently be disappointed. And then we rage and rail against our partners as to to why it is they can't produce what it is we want. But the reality is we simply didn't ask, we simply didn't say because we didn't even know it for ourselves. So how in the world is your partner going to knock it out of the park for you if you don't really even know what it is you need for yourself? And how is your partner ever going to be satisfied with you in this relationship if you don't find the ability to regulate yourself to such a degree that you're willing to learn what it is they need instead of taking it personally and defensively so that they can teach you what it is they want and need in the relationship. It's about creating a mutual understanding of what makes each of you feel loved and supported. This is essentially how we co create with another human being. And here's the thing, this isn't instinctive. It's a skill set we develop and then use to learn about sharing ourselves with each other. Then, and only then, can we finally share what really needs to truly be said with our partners.

I mean, just with you and I, I'll give a personal example. If we don't ask and truly, genuinely ask what it is our partner needs and wants and have them teach us how to love them, we're going to re resort to what we want. And like with Stacy and I, it.

Could not be more different.

Like when Stacy's upset She wants me to come real close to her when I'm upset like this. Back off, Jack. Give me some space. So say, well, I thought that's what you want to know. Honey, give me some space. You know, don't play with my ear right now. I don't want it to be played with. I mean, you know, I mean, so we're gonna resort to what it is that we feel everyone wants.

It was just a little comfort, pumpkin.

I know, but, you know, I mean, so most of the time, we could not be more off, but it's from a sweetheart place. But we haven't. We don't have the intel. We've said that repeatedly. But really understand, if you haven't asked someone, then how would we know? We're simply guessing.

But there's also a whole other thing that we haven't talked about yet in this episode, which is you could ask for your partner to meet a need, and it's. Instead of them saying, oh, thank you so much for telling me, I can't wait to do that for you. It could be met with extreme defensiveness, and they could become extremely offended that you're saying something is wrong with the relationship or that they're not a good partner or that they're a POS for even bringing it up. I have done that to Jack. He has asked me to meet a need, and instead of me saying, I'm so sorry I haven't met it, and I didn't know that I wasn't. I was like, no, Such a good person, like, made it all about me and cried. I'm sure he was like, wow, can't wait to have a conversation with you like that again. I know we're gonna talk about it, but I just want to point out that that is why we're so big on skills. Because those skills that I needed to be resilient and have some emotional regulation and not go immediately into defensiveness and not try to manipulate him to comfort me while he was the one talking about his own em. Those are all skills, and you have to learn them and practice them, because being asked for a need by your partner requires you to have some resilience. You have to not fall in a puddle on the floor when they tell you that they're unhappy about something for it to be a productive conversation where you can actually hear them, hear that they're not berating you. They're simply saying that they're needing something. And that's it.

Yeah. Here's what commonly makes it so damn hard to have these Conversations. And also these are the narratives that roll in our movies that prevent us from even trying in the first place. The first one is fear of rejection. You won't allow yourself to say what you need to say because you are afraid that they're going to reject you on the backside or that it's going to hurt their feelings and it's going to derail the entire conversation. Bring it up. Right. The second thing is defensiveness. It's not received well. That's what Brookie was highlighting. It's not received well because your partner took it as a criticism. They took it personal, as though, well, if you're bringing this up, then obviously I'm not doing it right. And so they act out because they themselves are having a difficult time with their own ability to regulate and allow in what it is you're saying. The next one I would highlight is drama. Drama is the addition of escalated emotions to any given circumstance. It's worth pondering. Are you clearly communicating what needs to be said, or are you intensifying the situation by adding a little. Just a sprinkle of a little emotional escalation? As I'm sure you know, drama is great for theatrical performances. However, when added to situations that we're trying to understand and find solutions for, it adds way too much complexity to a conversation when truly what we're trying to do is find solutions. We're trying to meet needs. And if I add drama in those places, it's probably not going to go so well. And the last one that I would say is no darn skills. And I know we keep beating a dead horse here, but for God's sakes, I hope that you're starting to see that having no skills will absolutely ensure that you experience the three that we just mentioned. Drama, defensiveness, and rejection. So with that in mind, we need to understand how to create a first step in creating success in this place and space by making it emotionally safe. When expressing your needs is essential, then what we need to do is make sure that it's emotionally safe to do so to the very best of our ability. Now, look, you might follow the things in this podcast. This is my disclaimer. You're going to follow these to the letter, and your partner still may take these personal, but I want you to understand that's not a bad thing because it will be in them reacting and you saying, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

It.

I'm just trying to communicate and share with you. Let's reset. Let's come back to the conversation again. We can Find a path through. If we're afraid of the reaction, then we're never going to make any progress here. Much like if I give up on any pursuit of something that I want to get better at because I'm afraid of how the outcome is going to go, well, then you can just chalk it up to this moment. You're as good at this thing as you're ever going to be. I have to risk messing it up in order to get better at anything. And that's true at relationships too. So it doesn't mean that what you're doing isn't working. It just means it gets a little messy before it gets better. And that's normal. That's absolutely normal. But here's what needs to happen. We need to create emotionally safe places where we can both ask for what it is we need and want and let the fear and the judgment, you know, settle and actually be let go of.

Dissipate.

I like that word. Thank you. So the first thing I want you to think about is setting the environment, setting the stage. Before we can even talk about the words that you're going to say, we need to think about how to set the stage or the environment for which we need the conditions to be favorable, shall we say? So I want you to think about timing. Avoid bringing up emotional needs. Number one, In a place, in a space where you're already in a heated argument or you're stressed out, or your partner's stressed out, or this is a good one, you're not going to like it when I say it. You're using it as a weapon. You're weaponizing what it is you need. Because yet, for the umpteenth time, your partner has brought these emotions up for you, you yet again. And you've decided that this is the moment, you've had enough, and you're gonna lay it on the table as a weapon. While you never do this. Not gonna go well. So we want to bring these things up instead. When you feel calm, when you are having a private moment and neither of you feel stressed or rushed, that's really important because we wanna be able to take the time and energy, explore many things about emotional needs when you lay this conversation on the table. Two, setting the tone also means that I need to be personally in a place of feeling calm and what we call in our body of work, neutral. What does that mean? Neutral means that you have the ability within you, the emotional capacity available to listen and share. Because if I don't have the ability to do that, you know what's going to happen. You're going to react instead of respond. You're going to blow the safety out of the water because you're going to say or do something in your moment of reaction that later you're going to regret that you didn't really mean to say because you're not feeling like you're in a neutral place. I have the ability to say what I need to say and listen when it's required and allow a different perspective and a different narrative to be present. If I'm already running close to losing my shit, then that's your sign you're not neutral. Okay? If I'm shutting down before the conversation even begins, that's a sign you're not in a space of neutral.

Don't try to force this. If the timing is not right, then take a pause and don't proceed. Timing is crucial. It really is an environment, and how you're feeling is crucial. Otherwise you will not have the emotional safety to have this happen, especially in the beginning, because this is very new territory. And let's be honest, he or she knows exactly how to push the perfect button for you to lose your. You have got to understand what's required for something to go different. Different than always defaulting back to what always happens. Can't overemphasize that enough.

We don't think about emotional capacity, but it's a very real thing. Where are you in your emotional gas tank? Are you in a place where you have enough for the conversation? Or are you already depleted and shutting down? Or already close to escalation and gonna lose your. If that's the case, it's probably best to wait. Wait as long as you need to, but not a second more. Because sometimes we can also make it up that it's never the right time to have the conversation.

And ever present delay.

That's just a manipulation. Call that out, too. Take as much time as you need, but not a second more. Because the longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes to have these conversations. We don't want you to fall culprit to that. That as well. And then Brookie's already touched on this, but I really want to point it out and emphasize it. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want. We have a tendency to bring to these conversations all the things that you're doing or saying or all the things that are happening in our relationship that I don't want and that aren't working for me. And that's typically how we take it personal and become Defensive and we feel the rejection and we become afraid to have the conversation again and again and again because we're really not talking about what it is I would like to experience instead, which are light years away. They don't feel like it, but they are. We can talk about what I don't want and we've probably done that 10,000 times already and we probably beat a dead horse into the ground. But if we could refresh the conversation from a place of what I do want and what I would like to experience and have and share with you, that's life changing in perspective. It's so important that we take the time to process for ourselves the difference between what I don't want and what it is I do want. And that is going to be the thing you bring to the conversation. So if you don't have that part and piece, it's probably work you need to set and do on your own before you step into the conversation of what it is I want to experience. As far as an emotional need being met with you.

If you're thinking, you know, Stacy, Tom, Brooke, I have no freaking idea what I want, guess what, we've got a great solution for you. Just take what you don't want and just reverse it. We do this all the time. Because everyone, I'll tell you exactly what I don't want. List those out and then basically just write on the other side of the piece of paper. Just take the exact opposite of that. That and that will give you a very good idea of what you do want.

Also, life hack, you could even use Chat GBT to help you. You could say, here's what I don't want in my relationship. Could you flip them into do wants or give me some ideas? Because sometimes just the thought of doing that on your own can be overwhelming. It can be paralyzing when it can just help you. It can help you fill in the blanks for places that, that you were uncomfortable doing on your own.

That is a great super tip there. Using technology to help us get clear about what it is we want. Here's the other thing I need you to be aware of. You're probably going to need to get vulnerable. It's true. Asking for your needs to be met requires vulnerability. So you need to frame your requests as desires, not demands. And you need to get to the heart of the matter. That's what I call it. Like the vulnerability is your superpower. It's the thing that you're going to lay on the table and everybody goes, oh, vulnerability, like that's sort so scary. Well, it's really not when you understand that that is your ticket to getting more of what it is you want. So do you want to stay in suffering and frustration for the rest of your life, or can you risk getting vulnerable and getting through it to a path of clarity and getting more of what it is you want? I mean, the choice is yours. I'm going to encourage you to get vulnerable because it really is a very empowering place now and space to be in your relationship, personally and collectively. So now that we've done all those parts and pieces and you can see that there's a lot of thought that goes into this and it's going to require practice and implementation. But now and only now, are you ready to add the words. All of that needs to happen first. Now just reflect for a moment how you typically set it up. You probably just blurred out what you don't want want in the heat of the moment. And maybe it's weaponized and maybe you're comparing who's not getting their needs met more instead of like taking the thought and the intention to set it up correctly so that we can have a productive conversation. So the first thing I'm going to invite you to do is probably the last place you would think to go. And I'm going to invite you to acknowledge their efforts. Let your partner know that you appreciate what they're already doing and what they are currently contributing to the relationship that causes you to have some measure of needs met. Because here's the truth. You wouldn't be in this relationship if that wasn't already happening. Sure, there are some things that you would like and that you're longing for and that you're frustrated about. But when we really look at the whole picture, there are things that are happening that you really love and appreciate about your partner already. We want to start by acknowledging that because relationships can feel like nobody sees what I'm doing when I'm really doing my best. And here's the thing, everybody feels like they're doing their best, the best that they know how. So don't diminish that. It's really important that you acknowledge that. Okay? An example of how to say this is I really appreciate how you always take care of things around the house. It would mean a lot to me if we could also spend some time connecting emotionally. Me, I'm really missing you. That is a great thing to say when you're opening up the conversation. Okay, number two, remember, you're sharing, not criticizing. When we get stuck in the don't want, we tend to come off as criticizing. So after you've shared that, you can see and acknowledge what they're already contributing to your life in the relationship. Then begin by sharing, not criticizing. Start with how you're feeling, not what they're doing wrong. Because this is going to reduce the chances of defensiveness. You know that little thing that's a problem we're trying to overcome. Instead of saying, you never listen to me, say something like, I feel disconnected when we don't spend time talking. When could we make some time to make that happen? So next, invite in and allow their insights and perspective too. Remember, this is not a one way street. You have needs and so do they. And you know what, you're both probably frustrated at this point in time about the lack of connection, conversation, vulnerability. Usually if one person's suffering, so is the other. And then we start making up reasons why the other is suffering. Instead of doing, disclose why I'm suffering, which is the one thing that we can do. So invite and allow your insights and perspectives to come to the forefront. Encourage your partner to also express their needs too. So it feels like a two way conversation. An example of this is no, I'm asking for more conversation and connection and I'd love to know if this is something that you would like more of too. Or maybe for you there's something additional that you would need from me. You're opening it up to a conversation of sharing and exploration instead of demands or criticism which are inevitably going to spike all the things that we don't want to do. And the last thing I'm going to say here is listen, allow in what's being said, even if it's hard. Wow. You know what, Stace, I. I really think you're an asshole. Okay, I'm going to allow that in and then I'm going to say something along the lines of could you help me understand in what ways you're perceiving me that way? I'd really like to understand because if I don't do that, I'm going to get defensive, I'm going to shut the conversation down and I'm never going to gain the understanding that I need around why it is you perceive me in that way. Don't you think that would be kind of important to know? I mean, I would say yes. I don't feel like I am that, but I want to understand places and spaces where you perceive me as that, because that's the only way I'm going to know how to improve it get better at it. So if I don't allow it and I shut the conversation down instead, well then we're kind of back to where we started from. The last thing I'm going to say is the art of asking for what you need is an important skill to learn. The lack of asking causes us to act out and manipulate instead of get our needs met, which will lead to the deep seated resentments and suffering that are sure to follow. Remember, if you want the permission to feel the way you feel and need what it is you need, then you must contribute the same permission to your partner. Here are some actionable scripts I'll leave you with that you can use for a few key places that we find couples get stuck so that you can practice some of the things that we've talked about in this episode and they're here to help you get started. How about we explore a script for time together? Something along the lines of I've been missing spending time with you. Could we plan a day just for you and I this weekend? Would you be willing to make this happen? How about emotional support? I'm feeling overwhelmed right now and it would help me a lot if we could just listen to each other without offering solutions right away. Is this something that would work for you? Or physical affection? I've been craving more affection lately. It would mean a lot to me if we could hold hands more or hug when we wake up in the morning. Is this something that you would be willing to try with me? These are simple but powerful communication frameworks that will help you get more of your needs met or at least at the very minimum, explore what's possible in your relationship. Asking for what you need doesn't need to be awkward or lead to conflict. It can actually deepen your relationship if done with principles and skills that breed clarity, vulnerability, and common respect. In your next conversation, try using one of the scripts that we've shared with you today, and if you want to take things even deeper, then check out Save youe Marriage, A Blueprint for Avoiding Divorce. It's a little program that we have created for you that's packed with tools to help you navigate tough conversations and reconnect, as well as let go of any resentments that are currently brewing in your relationship. You can join our wait list by going to stacybartley.com forward/waitlist and be the first to know when enrollment opens. Come join us. We're sure we can make a difference in your relationship and your life today. So so let's talk about a little follow the fun I'm going to invite you to do some mirror work because often what prevents us from being able to ask for what it is we truly want is a little thing that we struggle with called worthiness. Who am I to be so bold as to vulnerably and succinctly and clearly ask for what it is I need? So I'm going to invite you to maybe every day this next week, look yourself dead in the mirror and say, I am worthy to ask for what it is I want. Now that may seem simple or goofy or silly, but when you look yourself in the eyes in the mirror, you're speaking to your soul. And it's high time that your soul get the message that you really are indeed worthy of asking for what it is you want. Don't you think? Think like it's going to be a game changer. You are worth it. You always have been. It's just sometimes in places of doubt and fear, you believe you're not. It's too silly. Why does it matter? Well, you matter. So it matters. Just give it a try. It's going to feel awkward as hell, but do it anyway. It's going to be good for you. It's like eating your broccoli. Our song for today's episode is a song by Sabrina Kalido, the Problem I selected this song today because she speaks so eloquently in this song. To where it is we go when we're not getting our needs met instead of just simply having the conversation. And the verse that says the problem with me is you sums it all up, doesn't it? Isn't that what we conclude? The problem that I'm having with everything I'm experiencing is you. I've got it all figured out. It's you. And if I can just get you to do and become and say these things that I need you to, then my problems are going to be solved without realizing. No, that's not the problem at all. Very often the problem is that you don't understand yourself well enough to speak up and advocate for yourself and disclose the thing that you need to say to your partner to teach them how to love you best. And then the secondary problem would be I don't have the ability to emotionally regulate myself to such a degree that I can create a safe space for my partner to teach me how to also love them best. You can check out this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website podcast page or search it up on Spotify Love Shack Live playlist. It's been a pleasure to be here with you today. I hope that these scripts help you out and help you just put a toe in the water to build up some courage to truly say what it is you need to say. Remember, 67% of all relationships dissolve into disaster not because of what's said, but because of what isn't said. Look forward to being back here with you next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support Support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.