#198: Falling Out of Love or Just Disconnected? How to Tell and What to Do

Do you ever hear someone say, we just fell out of love? Perhaps you've even said this yourself. It's easy to believe that the love and connection we once had just simply quietly slipped away when we're not paying attention. But here's the truth. It's a myth. Today, we're pulling that myth apart so that you can understand what is really going on when it comes to the conversation of love. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone standing at a relationship crossroads. Whether you're facing daily arguments, feeling emotionally distant, or wondering if you can rebuild that deep connection once again, this show is for you. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship mentor. I'm joined by my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke. Together, we'll guide you through what it really takes to not only stay in love, but to thrive in that place. Today, we're taking on one of the biggest myths in relationships. Falling out of love. What does it really mean when couples say that? Does love truly fade or is it something else? We're breaking it down. By the end of the episode, you'll understand why love doesn't just disappear. It evolves. More importantly, you'll learn the exact steps that you can take to explore reigniting the spark that once was. One of the biggest mistakes couples make when trying to reconnect is they simply wait for the feeling of love to just return. Maybe you're doing that right now. In this episode, we're going to show you how to reignite the connection with intentional actions. No waiting necessary. Stay with us, because the answers just might surprise you.

Hey, thank you for coming.

Welcome to the Love Shack. So let's begin by acknowledging the real fears and distress that comes up when we notice we are feeling disconnected in our intimate relationship. We talk and share all about it. And we say things like, gosh, if we could just go back to the best days when things were good. Why don't you act like and behave like you used to when things were really good? And then at night, in the sleepless moments, we ache for those times and we ponder how to get back to them. But here's the thing you may not realize. Society perpetuates the idea that love is something we fall in and out of, implying that it's some kind of a passive thing or some kind of a stagnant thing that once you have it, then you have it forever. And then once it starts to wane, well, you better panic, because shit's on the horizon. We often think that we expect them to be there for for us, no matter what, when it's good and when it's not happening. We begin to label and diagnose others as we give our focus to our careers, the kids, our friends, etc. But the thing we don't talk about is there is nothing stagnant about relationships. They are constantly changing and ever evolving, even when we're not paying attention to them. Love is an active practice. It's evolving over time. Long term relationships go through phases, but that doesn't mean love vanishes. It means that we understand it's normal for love to ebb and flow and ebb and flow, much like a breathable inhale exhale does and we don't want to get stuck on either side of it. And when connection is waning, we feel it. But that doesn't mean we need to panic. It means we need to know what to do to re establish it in our lives right now.

Well, let me just ask a question to everyone listening to this podcast episode. When your relationship was the best, were you ignoring it? Or were you intentionally giving it the time and intention that it deserves? We often think that love is just this big mystery or why don't we connect like we used to? Well, you simply probably have let life get in the way of your relationship and then naturally, and it's not obvious, but it is, you know, provable that when we let life get in the way and we don't pay attention to our relationship, then naturally fades. It atrophies. Yeah, that was the word I was looking for.

Or it wanes.

Yeah, it wanes. And I just think it's interesting that we say this. We fell out of love like you had no control over it, or like you and your partner played no part in it. When what other thing do we have in life where if we just ignore it, it stays good? That goes against everything we know in science and life and just the principles that we all know and recognize in other areas. We don't apply the principles that we know are true into our relationships and then we act confused about it or surprised.

We tend to hold relationships in a container that exists all on its own and that the rules that apply to life don't apply to our relationship life.

But yet we all want the benefits from what we all hear about, which I find interesting. So we want all the gain, all the glory, all the wonder, but yet not apply the principles to the athlete that's in the gym or doing the exercises or doing what they need to do to be successful. I find that that's A fascinating.

Well.

And we only have the beginning of our relationships for a very short amount of time. But then we compare our whole relationship to the beginning. The beginning is different than the rest of your relationship because none of us have time in our normal adult lives to be that committed to a person forever. In the beginning, you ignore other things. You're not performing your best at work because you're always texting your partner. You don't really pay attention to your nutrition because you're doing everything you can to spend as much time with the person that you're obsessed with. Maybe you skip your workouts to make time for your partner. You know, and those are all great in the moment because you're just so obsessed with this person, you can't wait to see him again, get those butterflies. But like, that wouldn't be responsible to do that forever. You can't ignore your nutrition or ignore your responsibilities at your job forever to be texting all day with your partner. But the point I'm making is that we have that precious time in our relationships. And then when it kind of the honeymoon period, as they say, wears off, we compare it back to that time. But we don't take into consideration that we're not doing the same things that we were doing in that time. And you have to regain some sense of normalcy, which then does take that amazing time away. But it's not that you're less in love. It's not that you don't have a good connection or it's the wrong person. It's just that you're not doing that same stuff anymore.

One, that it's normal for things to ebb and flow. And sometimes we don't talk about that. It's supposed to be like this on switches on for the rest of my life and the rest of my relationship. And I just need you to know that that is such a bunch of bullshit. And because there's going to be an ebb and flow to every aspect of life, in every relationship, there are going to be things that don't work for me that I don't understand, that I need to work through. There are going to be challenges and problems to solve. And if I'm just expecting it to be all incredible like it was in the beginning, then I'm going to be sorely disappointed. Because in every relationship you've ever been in, there are going to be things that don't work. Like, aren't there even things within the relationship with your own damn self that don't work sometimes where you just Get s of your own voice and your own breathing and, and your own thoughts and. And you're wrestling with that. And that's going to be the case with your pets, and that's going to be the case with your friends and your co workers and yes, even your lovers. Like, there are going to be things that are going to challenge you. And it's interesting that when it comes to romantic relationships, when we feel like there are things that are challenging us, we just throw our arms in the air and say, I guess it's just because we fell out of love. Especially when we're running low in what we call emotional capacity. And emotional capacity just means I've probably waited too long, that I've hung out, that I've not spoken up, that I've gone along with that I've pretended and I've lived an illusion for a long period of time and now I'm just out of emotional gas. And I guess this is where we divorce, because I don't know what else to do. And here's the thing. If we truly understood what creates connection, then we could know what to do when the connection wanes. Instead of panic, you know that it's time to just reignite the connection. Because we know that this ebb and flow or these challenges that we bump into are normal. It's a normal, natural part of the process. And instead of knowing that, we buy into the societal ideologies, which means if we have problems, then we tend to hold it as though there's a problem with me or there's a problem with you, or there's a problem in the relationship. Like, it's my fault, it's your fault, it's our fault, it's. It's the relationship's fault. I've chosen the wrong person. I made the wrong decision. I'm a terrible person. I need to take full responsibility. And this sends us down a path that actually starts us diagnosing and labeling our relationship and our partners instead of realizing that the ebb and flow of connection is completely normal. And here's the thing, we know when it's there and we know when it's not. Yes, it's invisible, but think about it. So is oxygen. And we know when we can breathe and there's oxygen in the air and we know when I can't anymore. And so it is with our connections, with our significant someones.

I think one of the things that society keeps us from being able to do is to approach our partners when we feel the connection waning because it's just not a conversation that we've been really presented with or modeled, because relationships are considered a private thing, and when you're struggling, you don't really tell other people. We talked about this in the last episode, but I think it would make it so much easier to figure this out and navigate this falling out of love myth. If it was normal to be able to tell your partner, hey, I feel disconnected from you, what are some things we could do to get a little bit reconnected? Instead, we just wait and hope it's going to get better or decide we're going to get a divorce. But we never talked about it when we both felt it and knew it was going on, and we just made up our own stories about it.

Wouldn't that be great where you could say, gosh, I'm feeling kind of disconnected. And your partner could say, yeah, me too. So what do we need to do? Well, we need to do these things. Okay, let's do it. Get it on the calendar. And we're gonna do it on Saturday or Sunday or Monday morning. We're gonna handle it much like, hey, there's a lot of dishes on the sink, and they're kind of starting to smell the house. Could we kind of approach, like, doing the dishes? Yeah, absolutely. You know, let's work on it together. I'll wash, you dry. And it could literally be a conversation like that. If we truly understood that it was normal, it was a normal thing that happens, and I want you to know it is a normal thing that happens. But not knowing that it's normal causes us to do all kinds of things like panic, get aggressive, be manipulative, label diagnose, shut down, not talk defensive. My gosh. If we're feeling disconnected, then I guess it's over. Then I guess this is not going to be. Then I have to let go of you. We got to file for a divorce. No, it doesn't mean any of those things. And so I thought it might be helpful in this episode to step into the conversation of why love changes over time. And it absolutely does. Love changes all the time. The way I feel about you, the connection that we feel, the. The intimacy that we experience, it's normal for it to ebb and flow and ebb and flow or wane and flow. However we want to do that. It's like. It truly is like an inhale and an exhale and listen when we're breathing. And we need that to sustain life. We wouldn't want to get stuck on either side of it. You wouldn't want to buy into any ideologies that said, well, you can only inhale for the next 25 years. You can only inhale. Like, that's your answer. And you're like, okay, well, I'll try, you know, or God forbid, exhale. Both are going us to the same place, which is disaster. And yet we can get stuck in all kinds of advice and theologies about the imbalance of it all. And so I need you to see that the cycles of love are ever changing. There is a progression from initial attraction to deeper and more mature forms of connection. And it requires both personal growth and evolution of the relationship over time. So let's just step into those briefly and touch on them so that you can see these cycles playing out hopefully, in your own relationship, so that you can't just take my word for it, but that you can actually see the progression of this in your own life and experience. So we all love and romanticize the initial. I meet you, I fall in love with you. It's incredible. And just like Brooke already said, you're willing to sacrifice pretty much anything. You know, sleep, health, food, my job, my finances, my kids, my anything and everything when I find somebody that I'm deeply in love with.

And you're willing to ignore potential problems.

Yeah, this absolutely is a stage that's marked with intense attraction and excitement and emotional highs. And there's often, as Brooks touched on, an idealization of my partner, like, they are the most incredible thing, and. And we just see all of their upside and none of their downside. We don't want to see their downside because we just don't even want to believe it exists. Like, they sweep us away in this most amazing magic carpet ride ever. This is the most emotionally intense high that we can have as a human being. And. And I'm not going to do anything to criticize it or belittle it. It's a wonderful experience, and it's one that you don't want to miss. I always would say we want to prolong it for as long as we possibly can. It's so interesting to me that, you know, as we work with people who are newly coupling in our private practice, they want to rush through this moment because they want to guarantee it or they want to make sure that it lasts forever. And so they want to. They're quick to, like, get through it and marry and start building a family. Not that I'm against that at all. It's just if we really understood what was happening, we would want to enjoy this for as long as we possibly could. Because inevitably where we're going to find ourselves is in the next moment of evolution and change, which I lovingly refer to as the holy shit moment. Like holy shit, this person isn't perfect. And holy shit, I didn't expect it to be like this. And, and holy. I don't know what to do with this. This is something I don't relate to.

Or understand or holy, this lady has a lot of human beings around her. Yes, that's true. Yeah.

Like holy. I don't know that this is what I signed up for. You know, I didn't know this was part of the deal and I didn't realize that this aspect of them would collide with this aspect of me. I, I thought it was so perfectly laid out and sometimes we're all smiling like if you could see us. If you're listening to us on audio, Brooke, I and Tom have this big Cheshire grin on our faces because all of us have been through that holy moment. Like oh my God, we're reconsidering everything. And a huge part of this is something we don't ever give any thought or consideration is that as a human being, when I get all in with somebody, which is what creating a life together is, my physical, mental, emotional and financial well being is completely on the line. And when I finally realize that I am all in and I care about you a tremendous amount, the holy shit moment is really about God, what if they don't really love me? Or what if I can't really handle this? Or what do I do with things I don't understand or the things that I didn't see? Or what if they make some decisions that I don't have control over? Or what if they fall out of love with me? This realization like the holy shit moment is like nothing's guaranteed. We can't predict the future. We have no idea where this is going. There are things that I didn't anticipate are part of this relationship because I fooled around and fell in love. And then we co create our lives together and there's all these things that I didn't anticipate were going to be part of the deal. And it's this moment where, where my fears and my insecurities all come rushing to the surface. Now the deepest fears of insecurity and all the what ifs that I could possibly imagine are flooding the gates.

I would say it's all the things that you did not put in your match.com profile are now fully in your life and you think what the tf.

But on the flip side, is there any other way to know if the relationship will work out than to get fully all in?

I call this, like a rite of passage. And these aren't bad things. These are going to happen. They're inevitable things. And I want you to all think about, do you know people in your life that only want to deal in the initial phases? And so they cycle through new relationship after new relationship after new relationship. Because the minute it gets to the holy shit phase, which is going to be a rite of passage for all relationships, or you're not going to go any deeper than that initial honeymoon phase, we have to get through it. It's the initial euphoria fades, reality sets in, and partners start to notice each other's flaws and differences. Like, this is normal. We call it contrast in my body of work. Like, we start to notice that reality that there are always going to be things about a relationship that work and that don't work. That's normal, and that's going to be part of every relationship you've ever been in or ever will be in.

Let me just ask you one question for people who are wondering, why would it be bad to have a partner that was like you in every single aspect and there was no conflict and you agreed on everything. You made all the same decisions, you had all the same beliefs. Why would that be bad?

Because there's no expansion, there's no growth, there's no progression. And you know what? When we find ourselves in relationships just like you've described Brooke, they feel like a brother or a sister or a really good friend. Like, there's nothing erotic about it. And on paper, I'm like, why can't I fall in love with this person? They check all the boxes, they meet all the criteria, and we see things so similar. But I don't feel any kind of an erotic, romanticized passion. And so if you're in a relationship or you have been in a relationship, or, you know, friends and family who have been or are, if there's no passion in it, it's because we're too similar. There's no contrast. There's no polarity to carry this into something that will help me grow, expand, learn, and become more of who it is I have the capacity to be. And if that's the case, there will be no fire. There will be no passion, there will be no eroticism. That happens in places and spaces where I have somebody, ironically, that challenges me, that presses on me, that excites me, that brings something to the table that I had never thought of, never dreamed of, or couldn't possibly expand into on my own.

Then why do we consider conflict in relationships a bad thing? If you're saying right now that that is the thing that causes us to grow and expand and find places in ourselves that we wouldn't have found without that confidence conflict, Because I don't know, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think people see it as a bad.

Thing very much so. I mean, we think that if we start to bump into conflict or contrast or we don't see matchy matchy eye to eye, then we've got big problems. And that's the minute that I start diagnosing myself or my partner or we start the finger pointing, you know, you did it, this is your fault. You take responsibility for it. I need to take responsibility for it. I made a wrong decision. You made a wrong decision without realizing you're missing the point of relationships overall. And the point of relationships is it expands me. It helps me understand things about myself. It helps me understand things about life and about people and about humanity overall. And if I'm going to take that part away, then what's the point? And there's nothing more invigorating and erotic to the self than the thought of growth. And here's the other principle that I'll just say that we never talk about relationships is that I need something to push against in order to grow myself. I can't get there by just having it be great and wonderful all the time. There has to be something to push against in order for me to expand, to grow, to understand. And that's just a principle of the world in which we live in. For example, if I'm going to grow bigger muscles or increase my capacity physically, we all understand we got to push against gravity. Well, in relationships we're called upon to push against that thing called fear and insecurity emotionally. And that's what helps me understand and build resilience and self confidence and understanding within me and the person that I'm co creating with. And that takes me to places and spaces that I never thought I could be. Our children do this for us too. We have children. They'll drag us because of our love for them and our commitment to them. They'll drag us into places and spaces that we never imagined we would go. And they'll teach us some things about ourselves and about life that we'd never imagined being exposed to. I have six of them and I'll tell you right now, I would not Be the woman I am today without those six children dragging me into places while I was kicking and screaming to teach me things about myself, about life, about love. And our partners are notorious for doing that. And when we find somebody who possesses parts and pieces that we know are fundamentally important but that I don't possess, we slide down the wall and go, oh, my gosh, you're so mysterious. Like, how do you do that? Please give me some more of that. And if I were to get really up in it, in the detail of it, you know, the thing that's so sexy and mesmerizing to me about tomorrow is the very thing that most days drives me crazy. He's grounded. He's detail oriented. He's always thinking of others. And not only that, he's assumptive about it. And then comes the point in time where he's so assumptive and so good at it, serving, loving those who are around him, which I love him so much for. He's then planting my phone and my computer in a bag long before I know where it is and has it lovingly set on the table for me. So all I have to do is think about pulling my bag out to get to work on time, because he knows I'm terrible about time altogether. And then I'm rummaging through my desk, my purse, to find my phone that he's lovingly placed somewhere just for me. And those same qualities that I love about him are sometimes the very things that frustrate me about him. And I don't want to speak for you, babe, but I would say the things you love about me are just the opposite of all the things I love about you.

We don't have enough time for all that. Oh, that's a great example.

Yeah, I. I'm playful, I'm spontaneous. I. I can switch on a dime. I will cause us to go and explore new things. And Tom is a great sport, but there will be an initial conversation of, like, yeah, I don't know, babe. You think tonight's the night? I mean, maybe we should stay in and just. No, no, we got to. And. And those are the things that caused us to fall in love with each other in a very impassioned place in the beginning. And if you were to look at your relationship right now, like, look at the contrast of it and how different we are, and those are typically the things that we fell in love with, the things that we value. And when we step into this holy shit stage or, oh, my God, we are all so much more different. Than I thought we were the same. We can have a moment of like panic there, like oh my gosh, what was I thinking? How can this be? Did you have a moment like that when we were together?

Well, and I also think that's where we can start to self sabotage our relationships because we think, oh, this is not what we signed up for. So we start getting defensive and we start manipulating and we start doing all the things we said we weren't going to do this time because we have that fear because it's like, oh God, things have changed when really nothing has changed. You've just, you're starting to really disappoint, discover each other and that's a good thing, but it can feel like a bad thing.

Oh, and then we start, I mean if we've been in a couple of relationships, we're like, oh my gosh, this is just like my past lover, I'm doing it again. Oh my God, freak out. And we feel this overwhelming urge to control and change our partner. Like I've got to enroll them into what's important and valuable to me and ask them to negate everything that I fell in love with on the front side. I would say stop being hyper vigilant. And Tom would say stop being so spontaneous and pay attention, you know, pay attention to the details. For God's sakes, what's wrong with you? When those are the things that we fell in love with in the first phase. And that's an ironic truth. It's like we go from falling in love and appreciating value in those differences. They're impassioned, they're erotic, they're incredible. It takes us on this magic carpet ride and then we find ourselves like now, comparing and showing, shredding and pointing fingers and blaming and feeling this urge to change our partner and fix our partner and help them see the world from my lens without realizing. The beauty of it is that if we were to allow these differences to exist, it's going to expand the whole. Which takes us into the third phase, which is really the phase of stability or co creation where each partner is seen as a contributor, not a monster with malicious intent to dismantle everything that you've ever hoped and dreamed for. And when we successfully navigate our conflicts in and accepting the realities of how we are different and allowing that to be part of the relationship, that they don't have to be like me, we can really value them as not somebody's doing it right and wrong, but that they're a contributory asset that will Help us enhance and grow into something bigger and better, beyond what it ever is we could do alone.

Like.

Like, that's the point. And this is where we get to go deeper into levels of understanding. Letting go of some of the judgments that I have with myself as I let go of the judgments of my partner, and that we find these places of ebb and flow to support and coexist and contribute to each other in ways that we can't do on our own. This place will then strengthen and create mutual trust and security in the whole. And you'll say things like, oh, my gosh, I never could believe I could. Well, you know, what would my life be without you and the role that you play and the contribution that you make? I'm so grateful for this. I'm so grateful for us. We're in this place I never imagined I could be, and I'm showing up as a version of myself that I never thought I could be. Those are the beautiful places and spaces if we're willing to earn it by getting through the holy shit phase. And then we find ourselves in a place of mature love where we learn how to truly lean in. That when I'm struggling, I can recognize and realize it's not a anybody's fault. It's actually something that I need to manage and understand on my own. And as I do that and I'm sharing it with you, you start to realize this beautiful thing emerges. It's like when I share me with you, I understand myself better. And when you share you with me, then I understand you better. I listen and you understand me, I understand you better. And there's this beautiful ebb and flow that starts to happen where it doesn't have to look any certain way, but that we can just pursue understanding for the sake of that. Me understanding. And then me understanding you and where you're coming from. And there's a whole beautiful thing that matures in that place where we can begin to accept each other's strengths and weaknesses and that we can contribute and grow together by also realizing that this is a cycle. And even after we arrive at mature places and spaces of understanding ourselves and each other better, you know what's so awesome? We're not stuck there. We get to go back and in this place of being able to share, we get to take another magic carpet ride, but in a different way. When we fall in love all over again, we find these little magic doors and hatches where we say, gosh, I never knew that you felt that way, or, this has changed for Me, and now I want to explore this, or do this, or embark on this, or learn this, or share this with you. And we get to cycle all back through these stages of love again and again and again and again. And so we evolve again and again and again in love. There is nothing stagnant about this process. And if we understood the stages, we could understand where we were knowing and trusting that the next one is coming.

So do you think most people, when they start feeling, say they go from the honeymoon initial phase, which I'm sure most everyone listening can relate to, and then when that changes, that can be quite startling, I think, to be fair, like, oh my gosh, maybe this isn't what I thought. So do you think most of us humans think, well, we've picked the wrong person, rather than understanding this incredibly important cycle that you just described.

Exactly. We don't see it as a rite of passage to get to the next stage. No. And affirm that it's coming. And we don't have any skills or understanding in regards to how to help us get from stage two to stage three and beyond. When we understand the important principles that govern the nuances of relationships and we learn and practice some darn skills, we start to realize and understand that there's some ease that can take place here. Oh my gosh, I don't need to panic. Like, this is normal. It's okay to fall in and out of love. So we say, what? What am I really saying? I'm saying that I don't feel as connected as I once did to you. Well, that's a good thing to be aware of. That means that we need to get back to doing some of the things that we know, which are the skills part, build connection and intimacy between us. And what we tend to do is start to compete and fight. We start to blame and finger point. We start to shut down, not talk, not do the things that we used to do. I just want you to see that's principled. It's not because somebody is doing something wrong, but that if I don't share me with you and you don't share you with me, well, then that's what creates threads of connection. And if we don't do that, then just principally the threads of connection are going to atrophy and we're going to find ourselves experiencing a loss of connection and intimacy between us. Not because we fell out of love so much as we just stopped doing the things that create connection in the first place.

I think a lot of people view love and relationships as Something that happens to us. We think I fell in love. Meaning, like, you didn't have any control over it. I think that's a romantic way to view things, but talking about it in the way that we are in this episode gives you some of your agency back. You know, you can, okay, maybe you did fall out of love, but it's not because the spell was over. It's because you weren't doing the things that you should have been doing in. I think that's good news because it means you can get it back.

Well, here's the thing. Let's just break that little initial phase down for a minute where we feel like all of a sudden it just happened. Because it didn't just happen. It doesn't for any of us. What happened is somebody crossed our path that we felt a special spark with, for whatever reason. It could be a physical attraction, it could be something they say, it could be a tone of voice, or it could be a combo wombo of all of those things. But. But somebody in my sphere gets my attention. That's all that's happened. And then as I deepen that, I step into that and we start to have conversations and I start to share a little bit of me with you, and you start to share a little bit of you with me. It sounds a lot like, oh, I love this band. You love that band, too? No way. Oh, I love this poet. I don't know anybody who loves that poet like I do. Oh, you like that food? You want to go there? You want to create this? Oh, you know what it feels like to really make a mess of that kind of shit. Me too. And we're comparing notes and we're sizing it up, and all of a sudden we find somebody that initially created a spark in my attraction, for whatever reason is now sharing with me. And I realize there's more than I thought there was. I just want to explore this further. I want to explore all the things about you. I want to make love to you. I want to plan dates with you. I want to spend time with you. And why do we want to do that? Because we innately know as human beings that that's how we create deep connection with another person. I share some of me what I love, what I don't love with you, and you do the same. And we throw down literal threads of connection that, yes, are invisible, but so is oxygen. And it's happening at a rapid rate to where I don't even want to think about anything but you. And even when we're Apart, I'm like, what, am I going to see you again? Hurry, fast. You know, there's not enough time in the day. Just tell me when you're coming over. And that picks up speed as we just get to know each other and we share and we compare notes and. And we spend time doing all the things that we've always wanted to do and love.

Is it fair to say with that description that that was awesome? My sense is it takes less skill in the beginning and more skill after. That's why it seems to be so easy in the beginning.

Oh, yeah, right. Well, biology is going to help us a lot. And this natural spark of intensity where I don't know you, so I want to explore all the ins and outs of you is like this enticing thing that I can't get enough of. And then when I start to know you, that's when the holy face steps in and we start to merge our lives a little bit. Like, we start deciding we're going to share a space together, or we have our first fight where we disagree on something, where it's not matchy matchy anymore, and I'm not exploring all the ins and outs of you, but that we start to realize, oh, wow, we're different here and we're different here and we don't see it the same way here. And then I start to become afraid that you're not going to love me anymore and you're not going to want me anymore because we have this blowout. And my own fears and insecurities start to surface and I don't know what to do with that. And so I start chasing you and begging and pleading and. And. Or avoiding, and I don't want to talk anymore.

And.

And we start to realize we have these different coping skill that I didn't see coming either.

The coping skills are probably the exact opposite of each other.

Yes. I want to come close and hold you and reassure you.

Stacy likes to play with my ear when I watch sports. That is a no fly zone. I'm trying to concentrate on the game.

Or they. The first time they cross a boundary that you've never voiced before, you know, and then you're like, do I tell them that they did that or do I just hold it in? I don't want to push them away, so I better just. Just let him do it. There's so many distinct moments after the honeymoon phase is over where real life sets in, where you have the opportunity to turn and face the conflict and work through it together, or you retreat back into your own ways of handling it. And you both are having the thoughts like we already talked about in this episode where you're like, oh God, where we go wrong. But you're both thinking that and you don't talk about about it with each other.

And as we gain understanding and appreciation that you're different than me and that's okay. And that I need different things than you need and that's okay. And that we learn skills to get through that phase and we can have this pursuit of understanding be the precedence of what it is we're doing, then that's where we can slip into the co creation phase. It's okay for me to be me and it's okay for you to be you. How do we put this together? How do we meet my needs and your needs and one doesn't have to usurp the other. And I certainly don't want to enroll you into being a version of me because that would be disastrous to our erotic sex life and the expansion of who I can be. I don't want you to make me a version of you. So how do we create space and a place for all of this to exist? And that's where we create these hybrids of ourselves. Places and spaces where I would never go because I'll do things for you I would never do for myself. But you also help me understand that there are places and spaces within myself that I've always wanted to get better at and improve, but because I love you, I'll do it. For example, we've highlighted some of the talents and skills that primarily if left to our own, Tom and I have as individuals, and mine are. I can be spontaneous, I can be playful. I can not get too tied up in the seriousness of life. And it's very easy for me to see through the complexity of problems into like a made maybe a greater expansive of permission and space where we can all go. And Tom can maybe get bogged down in the details sometimes, but the details are important. The details of life and being on time and the groundedness to keep life functioning and going is something that he's exceptionally good at and not something that I'm good at. Are there things about Tom's behavior it would behoove me to develop and adapt within myself that would make me a more whole person. You would have to agree with me that that would be, yes, please, you know, be spontaneous and playful, but at times you've got to hunker down and get good with the details. Like that would really serve me professionally. And just as a person overall. And are there times where Tom needs to let go of the minutiae of the detail and see the bigger picture and maybe let some of the stress and anxiety go in the moment? Yeah. Well, so then who's right and who's wrong? And you can start to see that in our relationship. One of the greatest treasures of my relationship with Tom is that we all get to expand into better versions of ourself. And that when we do that, then we get to create these incredible places together that we couldn't experience on our own. Like, our relationship takes on a whole new life as we are stepping in to support our clients and our family and the people that we love beyond us. I just think sometimes we minimize the contribution as we demonize the differences. What if we were to just allow the truth that everybody has a contribution in and that that's a good thing and that we need to value those things, like that's why we fell in love in the first place. And that again and again and again, we're going to come back to learning these very simple truths in new ways and in profound ways. And that's the whole point of relationships in the first place.

Well, I'll give you a good example. Just the other night, I was leaving our house to go pick up Stacy at our local office, and I noticed she had walked to the. It's a. Thankfully, it's a. A reasonable walk, which I love. Yeah. And so I said, you know what? I got my grandson. He was home. This might be a good time for us to sneak out for just a little time on our shelf. Oh, my gosh. I don't have my wallet on me. When I got in the car, I says, I probably need my wallet if we're gonna do that. Cause I'm not sure what. Stacy doesn't like to have a lot of things when she goes. So I said, you know what? I'm gonna go get the wallet now, rather than have to do all that and come back. Because when you have to come back, then the energy's gone, it's changed. Not gone, but it's changed, you know? And so I chose to come in and get the wallet. And. Stacey, honey, I think we should. Is everybody good at home? Yeah, I think we should sneak out for an hour or two.

And I said, Mr. Bartley was spontaneous.

And I said, you know what? I. I thought that was going to be the case. And I went back into the house before I came because I realized I didn't have my wallet because I was on the same track as you. So I am, you know, I mean that it was very like, you need to go back in. Because I would bet big time that Mrs. Bartley is going to want to not go home right now. You know, we have to craft the time together because we're working, you know, with some moving parts here. So that's a good example. Sounds good to me too, actually.

Yay. So I want to just. I hope that all of this conversation is impressing upon you the truth and the reality of this, that falling in love and connection is not a finite emotion that you just either have or you don't, but it's an ongoing focus and skill that you have to actively nurture. And the first step to reigniting that connection is to stop waiting for the feeling to come back and focus on small, intentional actions that foster emotional closeness. Like. Like, the consequences of not doing this are we're going to increase emotional distance. We're going to step into places and spaces of avoidance because we don't know how to talk about it. We're going to step into places and spaces of unmet emotional needs, not just on your side, but on both sides. And as we hang out in that place of suffering, you know what's going to happen is we're going to run out of emotional gas to do anything other than just say, well, well, I guess this is the end of the line. And the only thing that's left is to get a divorce. Because you did this and your partner says back to you and you did that, and now we're just in competition to who was the bigger fill in the blank.

Oh, we bring out the. Each of the proverbial rap sheets and then we start using them. I mean, again, you hear us say that none of us is immune from the rap sheet. We all have one.

We all have one because we're all mess making machines.

So do we really think, honestly, I mean, I know when, but. But if we think more space and more separation and more silence is going to bring us to a sense of a deeper connection, to be truly objective and logical, like, how would we ever think that's going to get us?

I just want to remind you, the listener, that you're allowed to have fun and you're allowed to reconnect with your partner, even if you have relationship problems. Because we always, always think, you know, we got to get it all figured out and we got to get back on track before we can do things like that without realizing that having fun in the connection are the things that are going to get you back on track, Right?

Yeah. So let's step by step walk you through. What do you do when you feel like you've fallen out of love? Like, what are those steps that we keep alluding to and talking about? Well, number one, you got to stop blaming and labeling and skill up. That's going to be necessary. You're probably very clear about what's not working, but you're probably not so clear about what else to do here. And the what else to do here is the part of the equation that we sit around and wait for the change that is supposed to be taking place without realizing. No, there are really principles and skills you need to understand about the nuances of relationships. And if you don't know them, then we're going to probably hang out and wait too long, and by then you're going to go, eh, I guess divorce. So if I understand that relationships follow principles, skills, and they follow very count onable and precise things, well, then it starts to bring in safety and hope and desire and understanding, and there's an easing that happens. And I hope that this podcast episode has helped you experience some of that and just understanding that probably what you're experiencing is exceptionally normal and that you're caught in a certain stage of the evolution of relationships. I just need to understand the principles and I need to scale up. Number two, it's going to be required that you get vulnerable. And that's usually hard for us as human beings. Like right now in our societal culture, we have some adversion to being vulnerable. Like we shouldn't be vulnerable. Like it's a bad thing. Well, if we're not going to get vulnerable, then what you're going to live in as pretend an illusion. If you want intimacy, if you truly want intimacy and deep connection with your special someone, it's going to require you to get vulnerable. It's part of the deal. You can't have intimacy and connection without vulnerability. And it's interesting, when we're in that initial phase of creating relationships, think back about how vulnerable you were and what are the things that you started to share and say and express about yourself, about where you wanted to go, who you wanted to be, and what it is you wanted to create an experience with this person and how vulnerable were they with you? And then somewhere along the way, when we stepped into stage two, we ended up becoming afraid. And so we stopped being as vulnerable as we once were.

Yeah. What just came to mind is I can promise with high degree of. Of confidence that you might think you, if you look back, you think, oh, my gosh, I can't believe I even just shared that. Right? I mean, come on, we all do that. But I have such a connection with this person that I felt okay to share it.

Well, and you would get, like, a full body, like, nervousness before the words would come out of your mouth. You know, like, it would be like an emotional, like, drug that you would get so nervous, but then you would feel so good after you said it, because your partner would reassure you and say, thank you so much for sharing that with me. Why do we think that ends when we get married? You know, like, you're still supposed to be able to connect with your partner in that same way because we're too.

Busy trying to punish them. I can't bring you close. When you said those things that hurt my feelings. I can't have sex with you tonight because you forgot about these things that were really important to me. We step into this place of punishment where I'm trying to push you out when really I just need to be vulnerable and tell you how it impacted me instead. And the next step is going to be required that you make time to get to know each other again. Because if we're traveling from stage to stage to stage, we're constantly getting to know ourselves and we're constantly getting to know our partners. That thing never changes. So when we say things like, oh, I know what they're going to say. I know how they feel. The hell you do. You don't. You're making up a lot of stuff. And unless you ask them vulnerably, you won't be able to vet that out. And you'll never know for sure because they're changing just like you're changing. And none of us are set in stone. So we have to make time to get to know each other again and again. And it's imperative that we create regular rituals for sharing these types of things and practicing the skills that we are consistently required to hone. And in order to create the longevity and the connection that we all long for, this needs to be uninterrupted time to share. And this will create safety and increase the sense of connection. Remember how much time you spent in the beginning? Hours upon hours, and there was nothing more important. How the hell did you carve out all of that time in the beginning? Well, if it's a priority for you, then you'll do it again. And you know what the really good news is? It doesn't even have to be that much time. Just Consistent time. It's amazing what we can do in 10 or 15 minutes a day, 30 minutes a day with our partners to maintain a sense of connection doesn't take a lot of time, but it does take some time and the feeling of connection will again begin to improve. And so will your physical intimacy, which isn't just about sex. It's also about affectionate touch. It's a little thing called fairy dust. It's appreciation, it's reassurance. It's simple acts of bonding like holding hands and hugging and frequently holding and sitting together on the couch. These things we're not going to be desiring to do if we don't feel some sense of emotional connection in the first place. So this emotional connection that atrophies also leads to a breakdown of physical intimacy. Those things go, shall we say, hand and glove? And then the last step, the fourth step that I would say is absolutely imperative, is you need new intentions together, which include play. And Brooke already kind of touched on this a little bit. But it's so important that you realize and understand you need to seek time to put your problems on the shelf and play. Because it's in these moments we remember that we care, that we do have fun, that we do share common thoughts and interests and laugh and enjoy each other's place and spaces and in the same place and space. So we need to reach for some old familiars as far as acts of play, or better yet, explore some new ones. Attempt to bring in some curiosity and playfulness into everyday moments. This helps us remember that we love each other, that we do care, because we so easily forget when we're challenged with the problems and trying to solve them and get through them. And if we wait until all the problems are solved, you're not going to make it. These places of play, these places of laughter, they refuel us so that we have what we need to make the journey ahead. These steps I've mentioned here are used to create what I call a lease option contract for love. Because it takes into account the constant evolving and reevaluation that needs to happen again and again. So if you've ever feared that life and love was slipping away, remember it's not about waiting for love to return. It's about showing up and doing the right things every day. Because love is not for the lucky few. It is available to us all. After all, as humans, we have the capacity, but often do not possess the ability. Because we don't study relationships even as much as, like, driving a car or baking some pastries for God's sakes. And unless we skill up, that will continue to be the case. And we'll make up terrible things about ourselves and our partners and our relationships that just simply aren't true. The reality is one does not fall in or out of love. One grows and expands in love. That is the reality. So I invite you right now that if you resonated with anything we've talked about in this podcast, I want to invite you to join my Save your marriage. It's a blueprint for avoiding divorce, which covers all the steps that we've outlined here and more. So you can check out all the details and enroll by going to stacybartley.com forward/waitlist. And I'll end with this thought. If one wishes to be a lover, he or she must start by saying yes to love, right? And then learning what's required to have it. And I want you to know it's possible for you too. How about we do a little bit of follow the fun. I thought it would be really fun for us to step into some some reflective questions on all the things that we've talked about today. Just help you digest because there's been a lot of gems in here. Ask yourself right now if you're feeling the connection in your relationship waning, ask when did you start giving up on love? When did you start making up the truth that it was love and that's all it took and you don't have it anymore? And then I would ask you, what did you used to do in the beginning of your relationship that you find yourself not willing to do now? It starts to help us see maybe some narratives that we're making up that maybe are not true. It also helps me start to see my participation in this. And you know what? Now I want to invite you to go ask your partner about their answers to these questions and then listen to their words and not get all personal and all upset. Just listen to what they really have to say. Have they given up on love? And what do they see they used to do that they no longer do in your relationship? It you know the really good news about this? This is going to help lead you to the places that maybe we just need to pick up the baton and start doing those things now. Do those things again. I don't know. Let's just try. Let's see what happens. If we were to do those things, what would happen? Let's see. I challenge you on that. And then reach out to us and let us know. Because you know what? I suspect strongly that would start to bring back the feelings of connection that have been lost over time. Each week we find a song and today's song is Teddy Swim's Bad Dreams. Well, the reason why I picked this song is because when we believe that believing in bad myths is a good thing, it creates really bad dreams for us. And this song is all about bad dreams and nightmares that we make up that sometimes are simply not true. You can check out this song along with our entire playlist by going to our website, staceybartley.com or searching up Love Shack Live playlist on Spotify. It's been a pleasure to be here with you this week. I think all of us would agree that busting this myth is a good one, one that we're all three exceptionally passionate about because there's just so much BS about it. Remember, we don't fall in and out of love. We grow and expand in love. That's our opportunity. And if you need help and support in finding ways that you need to grow and expand in your own relationship, well, that's why we're here. Reach out to us. We'd love to support you in that. Bye bye for now. All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack.

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Sam.