#200: 200 Episodes, 200 Chances: Your Relationship Isn't Over – It's Just Beginning

Do you ever find yourself lying awake at night wondering where things went wrong? The silence between the two of you now speaks volumes. The same fights never seem to end and are escalating. You've tried explaining, you've tried ignoring. You've tried pleasing and begging. But somehow the distance just keeps growing. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. In fact, studies show that nearly a third of married couples report being unhappy in their relationship. You're exactly where so many of us have found ourselves, wondering if it's too late to save what once felt unbreakable. Welcome to Love Shack. Live your lifeline when your relationship feels like it's on life support. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor who has spent years guiding couples through their toughest moments. Alongside of me is my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke. We're not just here to talk at you. We're here to walk with you through the real messy, beautiful nuances and journey of love and life. And today, we're tackling the question that keeps you up at night. Is there still hope for us? More importantly, what haven't we tried yet? Get ready for some unconventional yet powerful strategies to break through these emotional walls and prepare yourself to discover why sometimes doing less, not more, can reignite your connection and how a simple pause could actually transform your entire relationship.

Hey. Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

This is episode number 200 and we've titled this episode 200 episodes. 200 chances your relationship isn't over. It's just a brand new beginning. So what haven't you tried? Let's dive into those, the hidden opportunities you've probably overlooked. Let's talk about first the self sabotage track. Well, this happens when we make up our minds that our partners are malicious. They're intentional, they're cruel, they're unthinkable, they've misguided, misled, and didn't meet you where you wanted them to. We make up some terrible things in these places and spaces with our partners, but yet we never vet it out. And by the way, vetting it out wouldn't be. Why are you such an asshole? Why are you such a dick? Why are you such a bitch? Why can't you just stop? Shut the hell up. That is not vetting out what we are making up as true in our own thoughts and feelings. So imagine right here, right now, as we step into this conversation of self sabotage, if I truly believe that the person that I once loved and held dear are those things, fill in the blank malicious, devious, Unthinkable, don't have my back, unkind assholes. The myriad of litanies of labels that we give them. I want you to think about how you treat them then. How is it that you respond to them when they need something, ask for something? How is it that you engage with them? How likely are you to think about their needs, where they are, and maybe what would help them along? Are we vetting this out or not? And how are we showing up? Because I'll tell you right now, we're going to live congruent to it. And very often there's this cause and effect that happens there where I'm treating you like the malicious, deviant jerk that I think you are. And because of the way I interact with you, you retreat and treat me just the same.

I. I think about this a lot, this very specific thing that we're talking about right now, because I've done it. We've all done it, where we want our relationship to change so much, and we're like, God, what can we do? Why are we still stuck in this place? And when we're mired with all the things that have been happening in our relationship and the. And the disappointment that our marriage or our partnership is maybe gonna end, we don't usually show up as our best selves in those moments, okay? It's just a fact of life. We're emotionally exhausted. We're frustrated. We want things to change. But when have you ever known asking someone to change in a rude or demeaning or ultimatum or all of those ways that we typically use in this place? When has that ever worked outside of relationships? It doesn't. It doesn't work. So why do we think it's going to work in relationships? I think the problem is that when we get to these places, we stop seeing our partner as an equal and we start seeing them as less than us. Or maybe we see ourselves as less than them. And when we lose that equilibrium of seeing our partner as a human just like we are, and we start judging them, like you said, labeling them, putting bad intentions to their actions that aren't really there. We're just inserting them. It ruins everything. It ruins your chances for fixing things because it totally disrupts the feeling of being on the same team. And now you're turning and fighting against each other instead of fighting against the world. And so we think, okay, we asked them to change. We asked them over and over and over again, and they still didn't do it. That's not the problem here. How are you asking Them? What are you saying? How are they asking you? Those are the. The changes that we need to make for any kind of fixing or resolution to be possible.

You know, Totally agree. I mean, like, let's slow this down because this is such an important thing that we don't hear. Because you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've already done that. Check. Move on. Like, you're so quick to pass through what we're saying. But listen, if you believe that your partner is out to hurt you on purpose with malicious intent, how do you then show up in your relationship? What is your behavior like? And I'm not asking you to beat yourself up. I'm just asking you to think about the human experience of when you believe somebody is truly out to hurt you. How do we treat them?

It's literally like we've got it in reverse. Instead of treating the problem like an enemy, we treat our partner as the enemy. I. I just feel very compelled today to remind you that if you really want to fix the sacred bond that you believe you have with your person, you can't ask them to change or ask them to work on things with you in a petty, malicious, mean, demeaning way. And that's how we do it. We get clients all the time who say no. I've asked them over and over again to do this. I've asked them. I know. I've asked them. We're like, well, how have you asked them? And I know we're beating a dead horse here, but you can't move on from this step unless you really get it. And really getting it requires you to kind of set your armor down and set your pride down and set all of these feelings that you have down. Because you have to be willing to admit that you've added to the walls in your relationship, too. You know, and it's not intentional. Listen, that's really important that you all realize that, too. It's not like you both have intentionally done this and broke down the emotional safety in your relationship. You're just being human. That's it. But this isn't the way that's going to lead you to the thing that.

You'Re really wanting when I show up. Congruent to my belief that you are hurtful with malicious intent. I don't want to engage with you. I don't want to have a conversation with you. I certainly don't want to have sex with you. And what's even more interesting is we never think about exploring if what I'm making up is true. And now Imagine each person doing this. I believe you're malicious and hurtful and not meeting my needs and don't want to hear what I have to say. Well, my partner probably feels the same way because of how I'm showing up in the relationship and engaging with them. And so then it goes on and on and on. And that's what I mean by the cause and effect. The way I treat them reflects then in turn the way they treat me. And the way they treat me in turn causes me to, to treat them. And this will run and run and run in fights and escalation until there's what I call a catalytic moment. And a catalytic moment is never fun, it's never easy, it's usually exceptionally disappointing and painful. But it's a moment that gets created in the escalation of things where there's a huge blowout. It's something that gets our attention to cause us to reset in a moment of like, okay, wait, wait, wait, timeout. What are we doing here? If we stay on this path, we're going to destroy everything we hold dear, including myself. Okay, It's a reset button to where we can reevaluate what we're making up as true about each other, about ourselves and about our relationship. Those are hard things, but thankfully they happen because there wouldn't be much else that would cause us the wake up call to go, wait a minute, what are we doing timeout here?

Yeah, I think it's really hard for us to first remember and then be able to turn in face if you've listened to us for any period of time. Look, if this is a co creation and we, we hope it is, then each person has a part to play. Even in the most egregious of situations. There's. Remember, there's always another side to the story and most often the environment is not there to have an honest sharing of both sides of the story.

Everybody's arming up and can you just see how this will keep you stuck in a cycle of conflict? Right. The way I show up affects the way you treat me, and the way you treat me affects how I show up.

You know, how many times we hear, we just seem to go around and around and around around the same problems and arguments and difficulties.

I'm going to be a little harsh here, but I just think the really important question you need to ask yourself is, do I want to stay very committed to being the victim and getting whatever I think I deserve or do I want to fix my relationship? Because it's really an either or situation. You either can let go of being the victim and admit that you've played a part in where you are. It doesn't mean that you've caused everything and it doesn't mean they've caused everything. But you can't turn and face each other and truly solve these issues unless you're willing to admit that it's not all their fault. And some people can't admit that no matter how much coaching or mentoring they receive, it's just not an option for them. But that relates back to, I think, being willing to just look at your behavior and not judge it. Just look at it. Just ask yourself these questions.

Well, it's the way through. It really is the best path through. So how do you work with that cause and effect? You know, I can hear listeners going, okay, okay, I see it, I get it, but how do I work with it then? Instead, if it's not coming from this age old demonstration that we've probably all not only been seen and given by our parents, but that we've maybe lived out ourselves time and time and time again, and it's our ability to finally step out of blame and reflect on where you might have contributed to the disconnection. This is your best and most empowering path. And yet when we're stuck in the conversation of blame, no, no. They did these horrible things. They've got to pay. And it was really painful and it really hurt me. And I have so much anger and so much resentment and so I've got to everything I can to help them feel the pain that they've caused me. Isn't that what's fair? Come on, that's fair, right? After all the destruction that they've done, how dare they just be able to walk away with a hell pass? Not on my watch. And we don't realize that when I hold that as a belief, number one, the pain that is happening far greater than we see on the outside. Often what hurts can't be seen. And we're making a judgment call based on how I'm hurting and what is it going to be to get you to check that box to know that you finally installed an equal amount of suffering that's equal to your own. Like there's no way, number one, to check that out. And number two, we forget about the person I turn into in order to install the pain that I'm trying to create that is going to cause you to need to become a person that you wouldn't want to be, that others would label as insensitive, cruel Unempathetic, demanding, bitter cold, harsh, all the things we don't want to be, you are going to need to become those things in order to facilitate ushering in the pain of punishment on somebody you say you love and that you want to repair your relationship with. And so the most empowering place is going to be you taking a look at your own place. Because here's the really good news about this. It only takes one person to show up in a place and a space where you feel good about what you're doing. That empowers you to draw some pretty significant lines in the sand about how I'm going to allow you to treat me and how I'm going to allow myself to treat you. And if I want this to improve, that is the most empowering place that I can go. That will absolutely affect the cause and effect that is playing out in our relationship right now. So as you look at this, just look at what your part may be. Because the minute I can take control of that, which to be honest is the only thing you can control, you are going to be able to start feeling good about the new course of action that you start to create in your relationship with your partner. And that is your win. It's not about what they do or don't do. It's about your ability to feel good about your part in this that will cause you to then show up better. That will then cause and help you to learn new skills that you can start having different conversations with. And then we, then we can create some very fundamental things that need to happen in the relationship for long term change to happen. You only need to do your part. But your part has the power to inspire your partner. Because of the cause and effect nature of how I treat you usually reflects how you treat me. That's a big one. And it's one that we don't talk often enough about. In fact, I don't know too many people outside of ourselves that talk about this, to be honest with you. So let's talk about these unconventional benchmarks then. If we were to move on to the next place, unconventional benchmarks means we need to step away from needing to arrive somewhere and focus instead on smaller steps for true progress. That's really important because we'll say things in our relationships like we need to have more sex, you know, we need to improve our communication. You got to stop acting like that. I'm not putting up with this anymore. Well, I hear you, but I also don't know what to do. What does that leave me with? It leaves me in the space of shame and judgment and guilt, with no task or skill or practice of how it is we're going to do this differently. And then we go out on our social media searches and we find all of these wonderful things like, oh, that must be it. I've got to improve my communication because we don't talk anymore. Well, yes, but what you probably don't understand is there's a reason why you don't talk anymore. Like, what is that nuance? Because I tell you right now, if you were to open up a communication book and go, okay, step one, say how you really feel. Step two, you won't, because you're missing the foundational principles of emotional safety and regulation and what to do when things go haywire. They take a south turn and they're gonna. And that's okay. But what do we do next? What do we do instead? So we have to step away from needing to arrive somewhere and instead focus on smaller steps for true progress. Where are the small wins for you and your partner? Things like fighting better would be a small win or creating space for personal contemplation. Because in order for me to show up better, I need to understand myself. Otherwise, you know, what I'm going to do as a human being? I'm going to react instead of respond. I'm not going to be able to emotionally regulate myself because I'm not going to be able to translate my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions into a language that first I can understand. I'm just going to lose my shit. And then I'll try and repair the aftermath of that or cover it up or blame my partner for causing me to do that. Because if you just wouldn't have said that thing that sent me over the edge, then I wouldn't have said and did what I did. Well, now, time out. Wait a minute. We all need to take responsibility for our behavior here. That's step number one. And if I'm. If I'm not clear about who I am, why I think the way I think and feel the way I do, it's going to be very difficult for me to show up and not react in times and places where, you know, we start butting heads. And so things like fighting better or even having difficult conversations improve, like, that's a huge win. Like, we can get through it in a better way and actually hear and understand ourselves and our partners. Like, that is a goal worth pursuing. That is a huge win. Where I almost want to, like, cue the confetti and go, that is huge. Well done. But how we set it up are often these unobtainable experiences and goals well into the future that we really don't even know how to obtain. It's just words that we say. And unfortunately then we never feel like.

We'Re making any progress or like instead of fighting better we would say let's never fight. And that's not a good goal.

Well, it's an unrealistic goal, you know, I mean, come on, we're not going to stop being human. I think that's the thing that we forget. We have these really noble goals. But you have to understand that's taking your ability away to be human. So how about if we understood that we're human, as Stacy reminds us often, if we're human, we're emotional mess making machines, literally all of us three included. So how about if we got really good at knowing how to clean up our messes really quickly? Why? Because we're going to just keep making them and making them and making them. Right. I mean, I continue to still spill things on the floor, right? So it's not like I'm never going to spill anything on the floor again for the rest of my life.

Exactly. I don't know why as adults we think that we're just, it's like we're going to stop having feelings or opinions or something. That's the reason we fight is because we have different feelings and different opinions and different movies of what has happened. And to ask you to stop having that, I just want to remind you that if you're not fighting, it's because you don't care. And hopefully you care.

Or you're just completely so collapsed.

Yeah, you're detached. Completely detached.

And this is where couples say we never fight. I just don't love them anymore. It's not about fighting, it's about being able to share where I'm at, who I am with you. And then I have the ability to listen so that you can do the same back. That's what creates the threads of connection. And so if we lose our voice and we're not talking, you know what's also going to leave with it? That sense of deep bond and connection emotionally that you're longing for. It doesn't just evaporate into the ethers like it's happening because we're not sharing ourselves with each other anymore. And I also just want to say this because I think this is a very looked over principle. As a human being. When I share about myself with you, I understand me. That's what Happens, I'm able to take my thoughts and feelings that are tumbling internally for me. And when I have somebody that's listening to me talk, I then can understand myself better, my perspectives, my thoughts, my feelings better. I can slow the tumbling of the thoughts and feelings enough that I then get the opportunity to understand myself better. That's why talk therapy works. And when I listen to others, I have the ability to understand others. And both are so important in the pursuit of understanding. So when I talk, I understand me better. And that's why we get so damn frustrated when somebody cuts us off. Like, it's just starting to get good. It's just starting to make sense to me. And then you shut it down or you talk over me or you negate me or you. And then I just. I just stop. And I'm frustrated and I'm angry and I'm resentful about it because I've now just been thwarted to the pursuit of understanding myself. And when I don't want to listen to you and understand what you have to say, guess what? Then you're not going to understand them. You're not. Because that is the only opportunity that we have to kind of like peer in to somebody outside of ourselves is when I listen to what it is they have to say. And so we can't force people to talk. We can only listen and invite them to do so. And it's difficult to force myself to talk when I don't feel safe, because if it doesn't feel safe, I won't do it. And so these start to highlight places and spaces where the conversation shut down for good reason that we never think to explore. It's not just about forcing ourselves to follow communication frameworks. It's about understanding and learning the principles and skills in the undertow that are going to make a huge, huge difference that start with small, simple steps. So let's talk about something else now. Let's talk about something else that we never talk about. Why doing less can actually save your relationship. That literally doing less can become more. In these places where we're trying to desperately do everything we can possibly think of up to and including causing myself to have an unrealistic expectation of myself. I can create these unrealistic expectations for my partner and for us. I negate the very people that we are, the very essence of what it is that we love and enjoy about ourselves and each other and about the life that we've created probably for a decade or two now. And so then we panic, and then we got to do More we got to fix it, and we got to do it now, and it's got to be fast, and we got to hurry, hurry, hurry. And, gosh, what ends up happening is all of this starts to backfire on us. Why? Because you're being unrealistic about what everybody is able to do, what everybody has the capacity and understanding to do, what everybody has the skills to do. And what we tend to do in this place is just bang around on everything that's not working. Working, which you probably don't know right now is not going to take you anywhere good. It creates literally a sinkhole of panic and anxiety that we become stuck in. And the more we talk about the parts that don't work, the more we live there. And there's this elusive quality that we think if we just do a hard pass about who's to blame and whose fault this shit show is right now, then it's going to take us to the promised land without realizing. No. That conversation just creates a bigger pit or black hole that you're stuck in. And the more I blame you, the more desperate I become, the more I try and push and force myself or you or us, the more the whole thing explodes. So actually, slowing down and taking a few steps back allows for some growth. Indeed. The truth is, slow is fast. If anything, when we're going through a really difficult time, it's time for us to slow way down. Otherwise we're going to miss exploring what actually needs to be looked at in our haste to get somewhere in a speedy style. I've shared this story a lot, and I do with my private clients very frequently. But it's the story of the cowboy in the Indian, where the cowboy asks the Indian how he brings down the mighty buffalo with his bow and arrow, and the chief replies, oh, that's really easy. We scare them and they run over the edge. And I want you to realize that in this place where we feel like we've got to speed up and do more and do more and get more demanding, it's got to be perfect and we have to do it right, and we have to check all these boxes and, oh, my gosh, hurry, hurry, hurry, do it faster. We're just like the buffalo, running over the edge to our own demise. That actually slowing down and being very intentional about what we're doing and what we're saying and what we're attempting to understand about ourselves and each other will help you far more than speeding up and doing more and more and more and getting pushy and demanding, et cetera so that's what creates the backfire. That's what creates bigger messes and more dramatic and the escalation in what you're experiencing. Well, to slow down though, you're going to be required to embrace the mess. And that's hard for us. We think especially when we're hurting or we're disappointed or resentful. Right. Or we're suffering in any of our emotional capacities. It's amazing how we don't talk enough about being with it, allowing the discomfort to exist within us, to look at it and recognize. It's an experience I'm going through, it's not who I am. And those are huge distinctions. We're all going to go through difficult times as a human being. Like pain is a natural, normal part of life and pain is simply just, hey, you gotta go in a different direction. I need your attention, like right now. And the creation that we are as human beings. That's, that's how it works. If I have physical problems I need to address, pain shows up. If I have emotional problems that need to be addressed, guess what? Pain shows up. There's things that are not working that I need to look at, that I need to assess, that I need to understand. And I'm not going to be able to do any of those things I just mentioned if I won't slow down and allow the discomfort in the first place without rushing to smooth things over. This is going to prevent us from actually reaching and uncovering the solutions that we desperately need. We instead rush to over commit. We rush to allow others to take advantage of us. We rush to just forget about and negate the idea of me understanding myself or understanding others. This is how not allowing our messes to be a mess thwart the progress that we're desperately trying to make. And so we've got to slow down, we've got to sit with it and allow it and understand it. This is what we need to do to find the solutions that we're longing for. They're found in the conflicts that we are experiencing. And to not allow this prevents us from uncovering the solutions at all. We're just going to take it out on each other until there's no emotional capacity left. I'm exhausted, I'm drained. And I say things like, I just can't do this anymore.

Would you say one of the, at least the initial things that you're able to do when people come see you privately or individually is be kind of the referee, if you will, to finally perhaps bring some permission and emotional Safety to where things can slow down versus this rapid escalation that's often happening, which drives.

Well, the expectation is when they come in a private one on one session, they're expecting me to be the referee. They're wanting me to put their partner in check. Like, tell them that this isn't okay. Tell them how terrible this is. Tell them how much they need to change this and do this differently. And they're very surprised when I don't do any of that. I, I, I share many of the things we've talked about in here. Like we're going to slow down and I want each of you to look at your part and everybody goes. My part? Yeah, your part. Yeah. That's the part where you don't understand.

What he or she just freaking did.

And we're going to start with your part. Right. So it's a place where you don't need me to play referee and to hire me to fight in front of me so that I can see the dynamic is playing out in your relationship. You can do that on your own time and save yourself some cash. But if you want to learn some skills and some foundational principles that we can work on together and practice to go in a different direction, well, then I would say your money would be well spent to do so.

Good investment.

Very good investment. So let's leave you with one of these tools right now. And this has to do with. Yes. Slowing down. Stop the panic, be intentional. We've got to scale up. We've got to understand all the little nuances and principles that have brought you to this moment. When you understand and learn them, it takes all the mystery out of those nights of, how did we get here? How did we land here? How did this happen? You start to kind of go, oh, that makes so much sense. That's why. Oh, gosh, I'd never thought of it like that before.

The dots start to really connect.

The puzzle pieces all start to come together. Okay. And there's a tool that I love to give right out of the gate. And it's a tool that's unusual, but it's a very powerful one because one of the things that we don't have in the escalation of emotions is a brake pedal. And when you think about it, if we don't have a brake pedal, then we're going to careen into a tree every single time. Like the emotions we're going to get triggered. We're going to start to turn into a hot mess. I'm going to say some things That I regret. You're going to say some things you regret, and then it escalates a few notches, and then I say more things, and then you say more things. And with no brake pedal, this is going to continue to be the case until we crash and burn. There's no other way for it to go. I don't have a brake pedal. And so the ability to actually pause is a brake pedal. I want you to think of it as when you're aware and you start tuning in to what's going on and the emotional escalation starts to happen. You can take a literal pause during a conversation, and that pause, that brake pedal, or that tap on the brake pedal can change the direction of everything.

So how is that de.

Escalate the emotions? And it can slow down the emotions.

So is that. So a pause? I mean, are you literally like you. You literally pause speaking? And do you take some inhalations, slow your brain down?

Yes, all of those. You know what? I'm. I'm starting to turn into a hot mess right now. And so I'm going to close my eyes and take five deep breaths right now so I can slow down. And let's pause this conversation until we feel like we're steady again and can come back to it. Sometimes that's going to take 22 seconds to take my five breaths. Sometimes that's going to take 30 minutes for me to go sit with myself and figure out what it is I want to say and what it is I need to express. And sometimes it's going to take a good 12 hours. I always say, take as much time as you need and not a second more. Because we can also hang out in these places too long where we need to get back to the conversation. And if it takes you 50 rounds to have a conversation to a place of understanding, then take the 50 rounds.

We've said this tool a couple of times on social media before, and we always get a few naysayers who say, okay, fine, I'll take a pause. But I know every single time I come back to the conversation, it's just going to escalate in the same way. So what do you say to that?

I would say you're not talking about the things that matter most. You're probably talking about all the don't want things you're probably still stuck in blaming and finger pointing or about the circumstances. Circumstances? Yep, we're talking about the circumstances of how this isn't okay and how you did it again. And anytime we step into that place, it's going to escalate into a fight. And so as many times as we come back to the conversation, it will be another round of fighting because we're approaching it from a place that doesn't work.

Something you said that was interesting. When I phrased that question to you, your first answer was, what I would say is, you're not talking about the things that matter most. And I think people are wondering, okay, what are the things that matter most? Because the way that we talk and deal with relationships is like a whole different style of communication that a lot of people are not familiar with, you know?

So true. So what are the things that matter most? I'm going to tell you, it's not going to be the circumstances. Which are what? Let's give you some hardcore examples. You backed into the telephone pole. I'm just randomly pulling this. You overdrew the bank account.

You left the damn dishes in the. In the sink.

Yeah. Or you didn't load the dishwasher right. Or you dressed the children in the wrong clothes. Or you fell to help me with the kids at bath time or bedtime. Once again, okay, these are the circumstances or details.

If you wanted, that would be synonymous because I'm the detail guy. So details. We think if we can get the details right, then it's all going to work out. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Now just take a moment for your dear listener and think about how you would approach a conversation in handling any of those things we've just mentioned. You're probably going to talk about the circumstance because that's what we know to do. It's not your fault. We just don't know what else to do. And so I'm going to say, he overdrew the bank account again. What were you thinking? I thought we talked about not spending money. Hello. I might even be a little indignant about it because I'm really spun up about how we're going to pay the bills. Or yet again, I'm disappointed that I didn't get any help putting the kids to bed. And I'm tired and I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. I had a difficult time at work. And yet again, even in spite of me telling you it's been a bad day, you still didn't help. You were over there on the couch, you know, doing what you do, and I'm fuming inside watching that damn ball game. And I would. How am I going to approach that? I'm going to sit on it until I can't anymore. But it's going to come out at some point in time. And I'm probably going to say, I can't believe you don't help me. Even after telling you how difficult my day was, you still couldn't show up for me. And so that is talking about the circumstances or what it is, I don't want. And when we're talking about those things, it will absolutely, 100% of the time, with uncanny precision. I'm not even over exaggerating. This put us into a place of fighting because we're going to get defensive with that approach. We're going to take it on as, hey, now, wait a minute, I didn't help you because. Right. It's going to cause that cause and effect we talked about earlier and we're going to fight. Well, okay, so what are the things that matter most? It's not about what happened. It's about where you went emotionally when that thing happened. For example, you didn't help me. Again, what's really heartbreaking about that, is it really that you needed the help or was it emotionally that you really wanted to feel like somebody was in it with you, that somebody had your back, that you could count on somebody to show up for you when you felt like you needed them most? Have we ever thought to ask for that? No. But that's what you want. And that's the difference between pursuing a don't want and a want. Imagine the conversation then turning into a place of this. You know what I noticed that I was really frustrated that I didn't get help from you tonight. And you know what I'm really wanting from you is just to know that we're in this together and that if I were to ask you for help, you would be there for me. Can you do that for me? Would you do that for me? Because it would mean the world of difference to me if you would. And now we're talking about the things that matter. It could even be a help me understand how it is that you didn't see I really needed your help or I longed for your help. Let them reply to what their emotional experience of the evening was. Instead of getting into a fight about the circumstances, about who's supposed to do what and why, and how we're talking about the emotional drivers of what happened. Because I'm going to promise you, it's never about the circumstances. It's about the emotional drivers behind the scenes.

You could also say, when I was getting the kids ready for bed and you know, I was feeling really overwhelmed because I had A terrible day at work. And when you sat on the couch while you knew all of that was happening for me, this is what it made me feel. This is where I went in my mind. It made me feel like no matter what I say or no matter what I do, you just aren't there for me. And you could say, I know that's not true, but that's how it made me feel. When you word things in the way that we're talking about here, it kind of removes the emotional intensity. It still gets your feelings across, but you're not accusing them of things. And you're not saying, you always do this or you never do this. It's just sharing how you feel. It's really vulnerable, and it allows them to meet you where you're at, and they can see. A lot of times they'll say, I had no idea that's where you were going in your brain. And it makes them sad that you did. You know, it makes. So then you. You have a little bit of understanding and vulnerability there that can lead to such a deeper conversation where you're not fighting about who's right and who's wrong.

I've always used the analogy, which. And I use this on my clarity calls, too. I. What. How Stacy and Brooke just shared, that's much more from a place of inviting your special someone into your upset. So I always ask people, when I'm on my clarity calls, I say, is it fair to say that what you're invited somewhere is a much different emotional experience than when you're told you have to be somewhere? Oh, my God, yes. Well, there you go. Sees the difference. I mean, I'm. I reacted. I've heard Stacy talk. This is how she speaks to me. So if you're inviting. Asking to be invited in, or you're inviting someone else into your upset, it's very hard for someone to be confrontational because it's truly an invitation. I mean, like Brooke said, oh, my God, I had no idea that's how you felt. That was never my intent. But unless we're able to share the real meat of the deal, share the true emotional experience versus the details, that's not going to happen. So if you forget everything on this episode, just remember, is this coming from a place of invitation or condemnation? Am I trying to make them pay? Very, very different on the receiving side of it. Just as it is when you're invited somewhere, like, oh, heck, yeah, I haven't been invited anywhere in weeks. Yeah. Well, would you like to come? I mean, of course that's incredible. Thank you so much.

And let me just point out this very simple example that we're sharing here. There are so many skills involved to be able to have this conversation. You have to step out of defensiveness. You have to be willing to get vulnerable. You have to know how to name and say your emotions. You have to know how to not get escalated. You have to know how to use the power of the pause. So, like, we think that we're just supposed to be able to do all of these things, but when have you studied and learned them? So, number one, don't get mad that you don't know how. Just get ready to learn how to do it. And number two, realize that these things and relationships require practice and skills. And they're not just fake. I just named all of them. Those are real things that you can learn.

Yeah, and. And the asking part can't be overstated as well. And the study of manipulation and how we're all little master manipulators. And so much of it is skill and understanding. And when you learn the skills, it becomes so much more simple. A cute little client of mine just recently said, stace, is it really this easy? Like, 26 years into our relationships, and where I know it makes me emotional, too, it's like, is it really just this easy and this simple? And we've grinded this out for 25 years, and I just want to say it's a lot easier with some skill than it is just banging around trying to figure it out. Like, talk about creating our own suffering. And it doesn't have to be like that. And I can tell you, all three of us are so passionate about eliminating the human suffering in these places and spaces around love. That's why we do what we do, certainly why I do what I do. Because if we can just help you with that part and piece. To eliminate the majority of suffering that we feel like we have to endure in order to feel loved and accepted by our partners, well, then we have done a really spectacular job during our lifetime here on planet Earth. And so it's going to require us to very much skill up and to practice. It's really not about who's right and who's wrong and what's fair and what's not and who's making a mess of things. And it's more about, wow. We can find these places of commonality which the human, the emotional driver, will help us find. And we make up terrible things in our narratives that we then never vet out. I just hold them as the Truth. And then my behavior follows suit. And now I'm mistreating you, probably very similar to how you're mistreating me. And that over time absolutely destroys our connection, our intimacy, our joy, our happiness. And in this co creation it just gets to a place where it's insufferable. And then I'm forced with either letting go to preserve myself or trying to fight to stay in it at my own expense and sometimes at my partner's expense as well. So this is where we find ourselves without the skills and understanding that we need to transition through these places and spaces that are going to happen. Because the other thing that's really true about relationships is there's nothing stagnant about them. Like I'm changing at a rapid pace, you're changing at a rapid pace. And us together, how that co creation happens is changing at a rapid pace. The change in our lives and in our circumstances is changing at a rapid pace. And we have so much coming at us. But you know, it's so funny. We think that we're going to arrive at like the set it and forget it moment where we can just check the box and go, okay, everything's happy and everything's solved and we believe that place is a real place place. And so I can become so incensed because I don't feel like you're doing your part to arrive there without realizing you're not going to arrive anywhere. You're just going to get really good about navigating the inevitable ups and downs of life. That's what you're going to get really good at. So that when misfortune or, or challenges happen upon us, either personally or collectively, we know how to navigate through them. We know how to get through the storm. That's the opportunity here. Not that we arrive somewhere and then we're just going to live out the rest of our lives there. That's pretend and illusion. That's buying into a lot of stories that just simply aren't so. So as we wrap up this episode here, I know we've thrown a lot at you. I just want to share with you a couple of stories that have been transformative in my life because I was privileged and honored to be a part of them. And all of us collectively have done our part in supporting these beautiful couples and pursuing some very unconventional things. Well, I guess unconventional in the sense that it's not what we're typically told we need to do. I'm going to save names. I'm not going to use names for sake of confidentiality of course. But there is an adorable client of ours that has four beautiful children and they have challenges in their relationship. And so they ended up living apart and are currently living apart, although they still very much participate in each other's lives with their children. And one had lost their voice and didn't speak up a lot and used to just please and go along with whatever his wife wanted. And the wife admittedly would say she's pretty outspoken, she's very gregarious and passionate, and she loves her husband. And so through the process of learning some skills, her husband has had to show up and speak up more and say what's on his mind and get really good at skills of asking, even though maybe it was a little bit of a courageous moment often. And you know what's interesting is his wife recently just said, it's been an interesting journey because I've had to now make space for him to have a point of view and opinion. And I used to just make it up that as soon as he could start speaking up and make places and spaces for what he wanted, then everything would be fine without realizing, oh, that's bringing up yet another thing that now I need to make place and space for his ability to speak up. Now that he's speaking up, I have to now make a space for his point of view and opinion. I can't just kind of roll through it. And so they have made tremendous progress in being able to navigate through difficult conversations now with everybody being confident in their voice and sharing it more often. And their relationship is improving in their ability to problem solve what their children need, and now how to support the stepchild. That has been a challenge is starting to improve, and they're starting to make progress with that. Will they live under the same roof before the end of the year or the end of next year? I have no idea. Neither do they. But, you know, for them, for us, that's not the goal. You know what the goal is, is that we continue to show up and share ourselves and love each other and support each other and our children and all that we hold dear. That's the point. Not whether we're living under the same roof or not. And sometimes we force things that are just not possible right now. It doesn't mean they're not possible sometime, they're just not possible right now. In honoring all parts and moving pieces. And if I could, we have clients that are divorced and have come back together again. They went through the whole process of divorce only to find themselves two years later longing for each other and they're coming back together better and stronger than ever. And then yes, a couple that's living together but apart as they explore themselves and what is possible going forward in their relationship. And all of these things are happening for these clients not because there's one path to saving your marriage, but because there's many paths to saving your marriage. And the path that you need with some skills is going to look different than what everybody is telling you it probably needs to look like. But I'll tell you what. If we'll slow down, if we'll find a brake pedal, if we'll pause, if we'll skill up and learn how to talk about the things that matter most, it's amazing what we can co create out of that that will allow space and a sense of love and well being. All the wonderful things that we long for in our relationships by just exploring and allowing what is. I would say all of these three that I mentioned are huge successes in their own right. These couples have used time apart to work on understanding themselves first and then their lover second. And they've also used time tested principles and new skills. They've leaned into their difficult circumstances, took a good hard look at their part and came out better and stronger for it. After all, in the words of Melody Betty, few situations can be bettered by going berserk. And I love that each relationship has different nuances and needs. Needs. True success is often devoid of the perceived traditional paths of banging on each other, forcing somebody to fix something, thinking that it's all one person that's going to take us to the promised land. This is not how it works. So as I wrap this conversation up, I want to end with the words of a poet, Mark Nepo. The time has come for us to put our stones down for our hands clutching stones cannot freely hold or love or drum our hearts fisting. The past can't freely sing or say a few. It's time to set it down and to do something different. 200 episodes, 200 moments of hope, action and transformation. But this isn't the end. It never is for you. This is where everything begins. Your relationship could be far from over right now. It's standing at the edge of possibility, waiting for you to take that first step. The tools are here, the guidance is here. And your chance to rewrite the future of your relationship starts right now. We've walked this road over a thousand times and we're willing to walk it with you too. So know that together we can make this turning point. The moment everything changes. For the better. If this is something that resonates with you, I want you to know that we're launching our new course, Save youe Marriage, A Blueprint for Avoiding Divorce. This is a step by step program that will give you the exact tools you need to break the cycles of endless fighting, rebuild your emotional connection and create a foundation for lasting love. You'll learn all that you need to know to stop the endless arguments, rebuild emotional connection and build a marriage of good. Step by step by step by step. As we walk with you, you can visit the link in the show notes and get on the wait list to take the first step toward a stronger, healthier relationship right now.

Now.

And we hope you will. Let's talk about a little fun. In this episode, we talked about some things that you can do to look at things differently. And often what happens is we think about the good old times when we first came together and how in love we were and the beliefs that we felt like we were so unbreakable. And many of our couples and clients and maybe even you say things like, oh, if we could just get back to the good days. If we could just get back to the best times when we were in love again. Here's the thing. We can't go back. We never will be able to go back. But as you remember those memories of what was incredible about your relationship in the past, you can use it for inspiration. Like it's telling you something about about what's possible for you. So this Follow the fun moment. I'm going to invite you to take some time and explore the memories that you miss. What did you and your partner do that created the good stuff that you find yourself aching for now? List them because they're there to inspire you and then explore what is preventing me from doing them now or what is preventing us from doing them now? And you're going to find the places, the emotional places that we need to understand and skill up around. Because getting back to those places, you're not going to go back. But you can certainly recreate them in your future if you understand how you got there in the first place. And guess what? When you recreate them again, they're better the second time around because you're better and so is your partner. And so take some time to do this fun activity and let those things that are maybe breaking your heart right now inspire you for what's possible in the future as you go. Our song for today's episode is John Newman's song, Love Me Again. This song speaks of now I'm rising from the ground Rising up to you Filled with all the strength I found there's nothing that I can't do I need to know now right now can you love me again? Will you love me again? I hope so. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website podcast page page or search up on Spotify Love Shack Life playlist. Well, team, great job today. That's a wrap. Any last thoughts as we say goodbye?

Looking forward to the next 200?

Me too.

Me too.

Sending you all off with a ton of love and look forward to connecting with you again next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.