#201: The 3 Most Overlooked Conversations in Every Relationship

What if I told you that there are three primary conversations most couples never have until it's too late? I'm not talking about those big blowout fights. I'm talking about the quiet everyday moments that build up little frustrations, unspoken expectations, until one day things just feel like they're going to fall apart. And do. In today's episode, we're going to dive into the three conversations that could rescue your relationship with. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone who's feeling stuck, lost, or just not sure how to move forward in their relationship. Maybe you found yourself in the same argument over and over, or maybe you're sitting across the room from your partner right now, feeling more like roommates than lovers, wondering, how the hell did we get here? If you're ready to rebuild that connection, to create something that feels genuine and lasting, well, I just want you to know you're in the right place, because that's what we do here. I'm Stacy Bartley, your relationship mentor, and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter, Brooke. The three of us together have helped hundreds of couples find their way back to each other. Today we're tackling a big question. What are the three conversations you need to have ASAP to keep you and your partner from drifting further apart? We'll cover how to handle those unspoken expectations, the little annoyances that build up over time, and how to navigate growing in different directions without losing each other. If you're feeling distant, disconnected, or just unsure, if you're still on the same page, let alone the same planet, stick with us. These talks could be the turning point for you. Hey, thank you for coming.

Welcome to the Love Shack.

The first conversation that we're going to talk about is a little thing we call the relationship time time bomb. The expectations and the explosion that happens when it's time to uncover the invisible expectations that are slowly pushing you further and further apart. So this idea that we all in our relationships have expectations and they actually morph into explosions over time is something that we, as we dive in, you're going to see you do, but you probably don't realize you're doing it. It's one of those things that just seems so common. I like to liken this unto the idea that, like, if I'm out and about, I know that I'm safe and I know what I'm doing and I know that all is well. But if I've failed to communicate that to anybody else, they may not be having the same assured experience that I am. And I arrive back at my house thinking, all is well because I've been fine the entire time. And I walk in and somebody is a frigging hot mess. Where have you been? I've texted you 10 times. Why didn't you reply? I can't believe you'd go there. And that is a great example of how it is. We can arrive in two very vastly different experiences. Experiences with our expectations. And the person who knew they were fine the whole time, who's just had a lovely, enjoyable time the entire time that they've been gone, has no idea how it is. You've gotten so spun up about the idea that I'm not fine. Like, what happened? How come you didn't think I was fine? And they're saying, yeah, but I didn't just see my tax. These are expectations that we all have and that we all carry within us, but we often don't talk about until they come out in some kind of a leaky conversation somewhere else, and they truly push us apart. We all carry unspoken expectations into our relationships. And the problem is your partner isn't a mind reader. And worse yet, their expectations and experiences are vastly different than yours. One's at home stewing, texting you 35 times, blowing up your phone, can't figure out what it is, why it is that you're not responding.

You keep looking at me. Actually, it's only three or four times. But thankfully, everybody in our family knows that they don't even text Stacy because Stacy never looks at her phone. Her phone in her pocket, just kind of like a figurehead. It doesn't really even mean anything because.

It'S like a little keychain.

Yeah, all of Stacy's children text me if they want to get a hold of their mother. It's just. But it works, so. But we're having some fun. But really, that is true. And I am the detail man. So. Stacy pretty much realizes, though, that it is important for her when she's blissed out doing her thing, roaming the aisles of the store. Maybe I should think about. Maybe if Tom wants to know where I'm at right now would be helpful.

But, you know, unfortunately, that thought just never crosses my mind. I'm too in the moment of what I'm experiencing, whether it's the conversation I'm having or the place I'm in or. Or the store I'm perusing.

It even happens with our clients sometimes, too. Like, they will text me and be like, brooke, I'm at mad at. And I'm here for my appointment, and I don't know where Stacy is. And I'm like, yeah, she's with her previous client. I can see on the calendar that she had a client right before you. And she won't let them go unless they're good to end the session. And they're like, okay, thank you. But everyone knows that about her, and it's true. But the important part of this conversation is not that Stacy's. I call her mom, too, is purposely disregarding my dad's feelings and saying, I'm purposely not going to text Tom so that he's reeling and wondering and worrying where I am. It's that she's literally so in the moment that those thoughts aren't even coming to her mind. And you can't be that in the moment. Like, that's impossible for you because you're always so worried about all the details and making sure everyone knows. You're like, brooke, did you text Uncle Jim? You got to text him. That's just who you are. So the point we're making here is that their brains literally work differently and to ask them to not be themselves, sure, they could do that to each other, but instead, they realize what's going on in each other's internal movies. A lot of times in relationships, instead of accepting our partner for who they are, we try to say, no, you need to be just like me, because that's the right way to do it.

And we all feel like that. So what? In this particular example, in my expectations, I'm going to be encouraging Tom to stop worrying and let go and just be present and trust that things will take care of themselves, and it's going to all get figured out. And he's laughing right now because that is the last thing he wants to hear. Please, could you just cue the music now and sing Kumbaya? And he's like, well, if somebody. Somebody doesn't take care of the details, and who is? Because it's certainly not going to be you. So he's going to encourage me to pick it up, pay attention to the details, stop being so present in the moment, and blah, blah, and think of these things. And I'm like, okay, I'll try. I'll try. And then pretty soon, Stacy's a hot mess because I'm not doing what I do naturally. And I'm a hot mess because there's probably 10 other things I've forgotten about, and I'm just feeling like a failure now. So it. It's these silent assumptions that we think our partner knows that upset us in the end because we don't deliver specifically what it is we're needing and on time as hoped. And those two things really trip us up. Like Brooke said and like Tom said, we're different people. We show up and cope in different ways. We need different things and we all have different expectations about how we think this is supposed to go. And if you think about it, those are the things that create what it is we fight about.

And. But also, I just want people to understand, like, yeah, we think different things and we expect different things, but also we see things through different lenses. I know that's obvious, but literally, dad could be like, God, how is she not even thinking that? My husband must be worried about where I am. But that's literally not even entering Mom 2's brain because she's so in the moment. That right there is very important to realize because you can be thinking, oh, my partner is just not, why aren't they thinking this? Or why aren't they. Why can't they see this so clearly? Because that's literally not even entering their brain. And it's not because they're wrong or you're right or vice versa. It's because you're just different people. You see things and view life and operate in ways that are so different and so foreign to. To the person that you love, but you never even talk about it. So you have no clue. But you just assume that they are operating with the same formulas and reactions and best practices that you use in their life, and they don't thread any of their experiences through those things. It's not bad, it's just a fact. But that's where we get so tripped up and we get so offended and so hurt because we are thinking that they're having the exact same thought processes and making choices to purposely hurt us or go against what we would choose when that's not how they're viewing it or thinking of it at all.

You know, having two different things that are attracting their attention based on the experiences of not only who they are, but what they want to become and where they want to go and the experiences that they want to have and the upbringing that they've come from. So we have these expectations that we bring into our relationships and then instead of talking about them, you know what we do instead we keep these little hidden scorec that we say, just scored one for the team today. He really knocked that one out of the park because he guessed right in regards to what I needed and what it is I wanted to hear right. But nine times out of 10, that's not going to be, yeah, score one for the home team. It's going to be, yeah, you screwed it up again. And you screwed it up again. Because what I'm scoring you on, you have no idea I'm even doing it. Because I believe that thinking these things should be a certainty and that if any fool knew the difference, you would feel the same way and think the same way I do about any given circumstance or context. And the fact that you're not thinking and believing the way that I do means you're a fill in the blank, a monster. Malicious, intentional, an idiot, mean, a narcissist, disordered, depressed. Oh, I mean, and just we don't.

Have to go or just simply like, how could you be so dumb? How could you not realize that? How could you not do that thing?

And then we go. And you know what that means? That means you don't care about me. Love me. So we also put the meaning on it. Now here's where I want to do a drum roll. Like, this is where it gets really juicy. You know how I'm going to treat you if that's what I really believe you are. Like, think about how you're going to treat somebody you really believe is malicious, cruel, selfish, disordered. Not like your partner, not like your lover. Do you think I want to have sex with you? Do you think I want to cook you a meal? Do you think I want to go on a date with you? Do you think I want to talk to you? Have a nice long conversation with you?

No.

Hell no. Don't want to do anything.

You're going to treat them exactly as what you would expect from that particular label. That's why labels can be very kind of dangerous places that you've heard us talk about many times before.

And I just kind of had a revelation here. How much time do we waste trying to figure out why they thought that thing? You know, like that's a waste of time to figure out why your partner has a different thought pattern or behavior pattern than you. Why does that matter? Why can't we instead figure out the things that really matter because we don't want to change them? To think just like me, that would be weird. But we spend so much time trying to, you know, roll around in the mud of why you think that certain way and why you would. That's a waste of time, isn't it?

It absolutely is. But. But you know what we've been taught in our social and cultural upbringing and schooling that we want to play Matchy Matchy. I'm trying to find somebody that's like me. And then that's how we know we're a good fit and a good pair and a good match, and that we're going to be able to knock it out of the park without realizing. When I truly fall in love with somebody, it's because they are typically very different than I like. That's what's incredible. Like, that's what's mysterious and sexy and mesmerizing and erotic. I don't fall in love with somebody that's like me, that thinks like me, that behaves like me, that does like me. And if you've ever found yourself in a place where you've been in a relationship where you're checking all the boxes, where we're so much the same, it's so matchy matchy. And then I go to kiss you, and I'm like, on paper, you should be it for me. But, yeesh, you feel like my brother or my sister, my mother, my father. Father. Well, that's typically the problem. You're too much like me. There is no eroticism in that. What we love as human beings is to fool around and fall in love with somebody who has massive contribution into the expansion of who I can be. So I'm going to fall in love with somebody who's good at things I'm not, that enjoys things I don't, and that experiences pieces and parts of life that I haven't been able to access yet. And then I go, ooh, how do you do that? Tell me more. I need me some of that. And then those usually and commonly become the things that we fight about the most, the differences. Because I really am, in my expectations, trying to enroll you into becoming more like me, because that's what makes sense to me. I don't relate to where you're coming from. Right. Because I don't have those experiences. I don't have those thoughts, those beliefs, those emotions. You do. That's what makes you you, and that's what makes me me. So why do we avoid this conversation? Well, commonly we fear. Like, we sound too needy or demanding or selfish. I don't like it when you point out our differences because I'm too busy trying to play Matchy Matchy. I have a difficult time finding pride in the fact that I don't find my phone to be all that compelling or enticing. What I love is what's playing out right in front of me. This person, this place, this piece of nature. But that's not everybody. That's me. And can we find pride in those things? And can we share those things to the benefit and contribution to all of those around us? And I could spin it the other direction. Could and is there benefit from Tom taking care of the details and being mindful of managing all the many moving parts in our life? Of course, because that allows me to be a better me. My natural inclinations in life, because he's so good at that. And you know what? Rather than have those be held as expectations that we never talk about, you want to talk about them often. How can we support each other's natural inclinations and actually use them as a contribution into our life and not a nemesis or not something that needs to be fixed or coerced or changed or belittled?

I was just going to say, you know, I get to work from home because Jack works outside of the home, and I really appreciate that. And he also is more like mom, too, where if his head wasn't attached to his body, he'd probably lose it. I could, you know, spend time making fun of him for that, but what's the use? What value would that give our partnership? It would just make him feel less than, and it would make me feel bad for doing that. So instead, I like to, every night make sure his lunch is in the fridge with his muffin on top. And I set up his coffee for him so it goes off at nine in the morning. And I put his cup in the same place every day because I want his mornings to. That can sometimes be stressful because we went to bed too late or he's rushing to be as calm as they possibly can be, because that is a contribution I know I can make for him by a little bit of effort at night on my part for his morning to be calm and as peaceful as possible. Because he hates mornings and he hates having to get up early, especially while I'm still warm sleeping in the bed. And I, you know, I don't want there to be a lot of rub there, so I like to make it as nice as possible for him. Instead, I could be like, God, you never know where your coffee cup is, or you're always running to make the coffee, or, you know, why did. Why'd you forget your lunch? That's what I could do. But instead, I like to make it a joyful, nice experience, utilizing your skill set. Yeah, I'm good at the details. I'm good at organizing stuff. I'm good at making sure the button is pressed.

Well, it's about having the conversations around these expectations that we have. That's what we're really talking about, is the expectations that you think they should know and that they think that you think they should be delivering on time, specifically, just as you want them. Because if they did, then they would love you, you would matter to them. They're truly committed. They want it as much as you do. And that's what I call like reading the smoke signals or setting up little tests. Let's see what they do when I do this or not do that, and let's see if they notice. And I just want you to know that that is you setting yourself up for a tremendous amount of personal suffering, emotional suffering. Because the reality is, if Tom was to set me up for a test to see if I was going to respond via text in, you know, I don't know, 10 or less seconds, I'd fail every time. Does that mean I don't love and care about him or I don't want to be in this relationship, or he isn't valuable and important to me? Nothing could be further from the truth. But because we're not actually having the conversation about the expectation and about where I go when I send a text and you don't respond for 30 minutes, then it's going to turn into something that is going to absolutely create a bomb in our relationship. The principle here is what we think and feel is very unique to us individually. The idea that any of us think we know what somebody is thinking and feeling is an illusion and a lie. If you're the one feeling something physically or emotionally, it's a message for you and nobody else. And if you don't disclose it and share it, chances are nobody else knows either. And it's amazing how much time we spend. And Brooke, this is what you brought up. How much time do we spend trying to think about what somebody else is thinking and feeling through the smoke signals and the scorecard, but we never really think to ask them.

So you hear us say often, I love this, because what we just shared there said another way is why don't we just get the intel from the person directly rather than spending this enormous amount of time thinking we know what he or she thinks, just ask them. But ask them in a way of genuine curiosity, not from a place of how we typically may ask. So there's a lot of difference in.

How we ask and when they inevitably, because it is inevitable, share a thought that's different than yours. Don't shame them for it. Ask more questions, really get Curious about why they think the way they think. And don't belittle them for thinking in ways that are different than you because they've had a different life than you, so they're going to have different thoughts than you. Doesn't mean it's bad. Just means it's different.

Well, I think it's important. Different doesn't mean bad. Different just means different.

Yeah.

You like vanilla, I like chocolate. Is either one superior? Really? That I checked. But if you just think if you sat down and this person at an ice cream store kept bringing you vanilla, thank. For the love of God, I don't like vanilla. But I thought you did. Yeah, because I like vanilla. What we're doing.

Well, then you need to eat vanilla because then that shows you love me. And how many of us eat the vanilla when we can't stand it? We want.

Exactly. Or we obsess about why they don't like vanilla when I like vanilla. How could you not like it? And then you never stop talking about, I can't believe you don't like vanilla. Oh, my God. Obsessing. But they like this thing that's so close to vanilla. But why don't they like vanilla and just have a bite? Just eat a bite of vanilla and I'm sure you'll love it.

We have worked with many couples who realized that they had been silently expecting each other to know what to do. Regarding. Gosh, fill in the blank. Housework, emotional support, time together. We just expect the people who love us know what it is we need. And, like, there's actually 12 specific categories of relationships that really impact our lives. And when we go through these things with couples, it's amazing what comes out of it. There's so many moments of, like, huh?

I had no idea. Really? Well, you never asked.

Each person thought the other should just know. Know what? That unspoken frustration has been and is building over years and years and years of being together. But not once did we ever think about exploring it, sharing it, talking about it. So I want to encourage you to have that conversation. And here's a little script to open up the conversation, because that's usually the scary part. Like, how do I have this conversation? Okay, I get where you're coming from. Brooke, Stacey, and Tom. Like, how would I ever say, step into that conversation? Well, at any point in time you have a moment, simply say, hey, you know what? There's some things that I now realize I've been expecting of you, and the truth is, I've never shared them with you. I'd like to find some time to share them and would also like to hear what you have been expecting of me that perhaps I've missed. Would this be something you'd be interested in doing? And I bet they're going to say yes.

And I bet some people are saying, because we hear this. I love this. How many times I'm going to ask this for all of us. People ask us often. Can I really say that? I mean, literally. Can I really say that? How about if you gave it a try? Yeah, I mean, literally, because I think. I don't know why. And we've talked about this often as a family. People feel like I've never realized I could say that in my relationship or ask that.

Well, it's because we get so spun up in our head and in our thinking, oh, we can't say it like that. Oh, I can't say, if I bring that up, then this is going to happen. And, oh, if I go down that road, then I was going to bring up this, and I don't want to go there. Like, we exhaust ourselves mentally and emotionally and spinning out, trying to anticipate all the things that are going to be said. And when we just lay it succinctly on the table, it's like, I'd like to say that I've wanted to say that for a really long time. I just couldn't figure out how to do it. Can I actually say that? Yes, you can. And please do. There needs to be an audit of your expectations so that we can openly talk about and dialogue with them. You know why Tom and I aren't in a fight right now? Because we understand that about each other. And the expectation and the frustration no longer exists between us about what Stacy's going to do or Tom's going to do. We understand. We talk about it. We don't just talk about it once. We talk about it again and again and again and again.

When Stacy wants me to set the alarm for her, she asks me to do so. Otherwise, I don't set the alarm. I used to all the time, but I don't anymore.

So that's a conversation for another time. We're not going to include it in these three. But, you know, I thought of it in the spirit of full disclosure. I thought of it when Brooke was saying, well, I didn't do all these things for Jack. And I'm thinking, I know Tom does all those things for me, too. And it makes me feel really small.

Different person, a different people, different roadmap.

And I love that Tom Keeps saying it's because I love you and want to make your day and your wonderful moments better and better. And it's because of where I go in my own thinking. It's not the fact of what they're doing. It's where I go inside myself. And again, that's an expectation of me. Like, man, I should be able to do this. Is it okay for them to help me with it? So it's the same, but different on the flip side. So it's something that Tom is very good about. And then I wrestle within myself in the spirit of full disclosure as to whether it's okay for me to allow him to do that.

And to be fair, am I tempted sometimes to just get on Stacy's phone knowing that she wants to get up at a certain time. But I don't. I don't slide it to the right. I say, honey, would you like me? No, honey, I'm good. Okay. It takes me. I just. I want us with every. That little index finger. Just, you know, come on. You just want to slide it right over and that turns green. You all know what I'm talking about. No, I don't. I don't. Like, even today, I was tempted. Now, if Stace wants to go to work out, she'll do it on her own. She's a grown up. She'll if. And she does misses it. And guess what? I came home, found her still asleep. Yes. She didn't make it. It's okay.

If we couldn't talk about this listener, what would be happening in our relationship? Like, if we couldn't find the truth and the humor in it and. And the ease of sharing it. Can you see that it would be turning into a time bomb to explode?

Yeah. You would be stuck in what I've described so many times so far that you would be obsessed with why they weren't thinking like you. Why can't she just say yes to me? Letting her turn on the alarm? That's what people get stuck in. They never get to the other side of that.

Yeah. I promise that once you have this conversation, you're going to stop waiting for your partner to just know what you need, and you're going to ease the frustration and begin to feel some ease around these expectations that you have. So conversation number two. The resentment review.

The resentment review eventually blow up your face.

So here's the thing. We often let reoccurring small hurts slide. Now, there's a key word in here that I really want to be intentional about pointing out. There are many Small things in our relationships it's okay for us to let go of. It's the reoccurring ones that continue to stab us right in the gut that we need to address, that we can minimize and overlook or rationalize for far too long, thinking that it's not even worth bringing up. But over time, these reoccurring tiny frustrations build up into full blown resentments. And I need you to understand and know that if we ignore these reoccurring conflicts, it creates a false sense of peace and stability. You're not addressing it now, so what you're doing instead is just kind of kicking the can down the road, especially as it reoccurs again and again and again. And what you're going to find is it's a little problem now and a really great big problem later.

Well, and. And when you push them down like you just described you, you're also making up a story about your partner's intentions and why they keep doing this to you and how they're doing it, probably intentionally, and you just can't understand why they don't stop.

So picking your battles can sometimes do more harm than good, because unresolved feelings of hurt grow and fester. The distinction I'm going to come back to because it's really important. The things you need to talk about are the things you notice keep coming up for you again and again and again. How many times do they need to come up to go, okay, this has come up three times now for me, I need to address it, but how many times does it go, okay, this has come up 50 times, but I'm just not going to deal with it? Right. It's the reoccurring parts where you feel hurt for whatever the reason. There could be lots of reasons that you feel hurt, disappointed, ignored, dismissed, frustrated, belittled, et cetera. But if we don't bring those up, and we need to bring them up in a good way, which is the skill part, but we need to bring them up and discuss them, because if not, at some point in time, you are going to find yourself exploding. That is human of us.

Well, I'm just going to go right back to this. We've had a lot of fun around this alarm clock conversation for years. If you've been listening to us literally.

But I mean, our old clients are saying, gosh, Thomas, Stacey, you haven't resolved this yet.

So.

But so Stacy said, like, when I set the alarm, it's not so everything. My intent is like, it could not even be on a different Universe from where, what it brings up for Stacy. So I just have to impress upon you, you have to understand that's usually how it is. So it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. That's the last thing. If you're truly doing something that totally is out of the different universe of how it occurs within your special someone's emotional experience, then would you really want to do that? I mean, if your aim is to truly help and support someone, yet it fires them up like, damn, that's interesting. Okay, well then I won't choose to do anymore. Like that's the farthest thing from my mind. Like, how would that be offensive? But it doesn't matter because it doesn't work for Stacy.

That's mom. Mom too feels belittled and like you're being her dad and you're high and mighty. I know he could not care less about being more responsible or like, I'm gonna do this for her so that she feels like, no, he's literally asking if he can do a favor for you. That's all he's asking. But for some reason it makes mom 2 feel like she's not good enough. And it brings up all these feelings of insecurity inside of her. So what would be the point of my dad continually saying to mom too, I'm gonna do it. No, I'm setting this alarm because I know better than you do. You see, that's the point we're making. And we do that so often in our relationships. But when you break it down, what's the point? The nice thing you're doing is not feeling nice for your partner. So why do you insist on continuing?

Well, and if we don't have the conversations that we need to have to uncover these things, you can see where it turns into a huge fight. Yeah.

So think about, I mean, this is over to frickin alarm clock. Where else might this be happening on? Things to be fair, are probably of much higher importance than I'm seeing. So you can just see the resentment can build from the tiniest little, little, just little bleep on the radar. The thing can turn into like a nuclear reactor, like really fast.

Here's the principle from this conversation about resentments that I want you to remember. Behind every resentment is a very important ask.

Well, that's good.

That has gone unsaid.

That's good.

And the reason why you're feeling resentment is because you're not allowing yourself to ask for what it is you need and to disclose what it is that does. And does not work for you. Okay. Yes. We have many clients who never bring up small things that bother them. And those small things are the things that turn in over years to the things that snowball into massive resentments that have the potential to destroy everything that you hold dear. Small problem now, big, big problem later. Yes. About the alarm clock.

Yes.

The script that I would encourage you, if you want to talk about resentments to use is, I love this one. I need to say I'm sorry right out of the gate. You know why? Because I've been holding on to a few things that I now realize have been building in me. And what I'd like to ask you for is if I could share them with you before they become bigger issues, I would also appreciate hearing yours. Could we create a date night together to explore these things and then we could talk about the resentments and explore the asks behind them. You know what would really help me with this? Let this go. Is this. Oh, really? Yeah. How Tom and I have resolved the alarm clock issue is, honey, you'll just let me know when you want the alarm clock. But Tom also knows, honey, would you like me to set the alarm clock for you? And he gives me the option to choose. It's made all the difference in the world. Behind every resentment is an unasked need. And I want you to think about that for a moment. In fact, if you want to take the challenge, go ahead and just make a list of all your expectations and all your resentments and then think about what it is you would ask for in order to alleviate that resentment. And I guarantee you haven't said it. So it's the small things, the inventory of doing the small things that will make a huge difference in your relationship. If you'll have this conversation, you'll be able to address the small things before they explode into major resentments for you. This conversation will actually help you create a space where nothing, and I mean nothing, is allowed to build up. You know why? Because we're going to bring it to the surface and talk about it and we're going to find the solution and ask for what it is we need in order to resolve it so it doesn't turn into places and spaces of long term resentments. All right, let's talk about conversation number three. The growth gap discussion. What to do when you're growing in different directions. I'm going to start by saying growing in different directions is normal and people are going to go, yeah, Stace, nobody says that. I know, I know, I get it. I say Things that not everybody agrees with. And you know what? I really don't care because here's what I'm committed to. I'm committed to you getting the real truth about how relationships work and the skills that are necessary to navigate them. And here's the truth. There is nothing stagnant about us as human beings. We are constantly changing again and again and again. In fact, we roll over every day. So the person I am going to be tomorrow is not the person I am this moment. What I need, how I think, what I feel, where I want to go can change between today and tomorrow. And don't you think that's going to have an impact on my relationship with my person that I'm co creating with? And oh, by the way, not only am I changing, so are they. And so if I don't talk and share with them about the things we've mentioned in this conversation today, you can see it doesn't take long for us to create so many layers of unmet need and expectation and disappointment and hurt and growth in the opposite direction that we don't even know how to engage in a conversation about should we buy milk this week or not? We don't even want to go there. Well, no problem, because if we're not having the conversation, I'll just go ahead and make it up anyway. And I'll say like, I know, I know because I know because I'm so smart. We think those things, but the reality is I barely know what I need and think and feel. Do I know how to do those translations for myself? And now I'm bold enough to think I can do them for somebody else when I don't even have the intel coming in about what I think, what I feel. You don't know how your partner thinks and feels and you'll never know unless you can ask them to share it with you. That's the truth. And they'll never know what you are thinking and feeling unless you share it with them. And so personal growth gaps are going to happen. And yes, I agree they can be exceptionally scary in our relationship because it feels like we're growing apart. And to some extent you are. You're growing in different directions. And if we're aware of this, we're growing in different directions. Great, that's a good thing to know. That means we need to reset and redefine how it is we want to grow together. So knowing and being aware of and in touch with the reality that we're growing in different directions is not a bad thing. It's a very good thing knowing it's very normal for this to happen. It's normal for individual dreams and goals to change and shift over time. And that does not mean the relationship needs to end in order to go there. What it means is we need to have a conversation about, as you're growing in this direction, how do I, or how does my partner come along with me on that journey? Again, it's a conversation so that we can uncover how do we support each other's growth while staying connected even amongst the inevitable changes that life is going to bring. There's a principle here that I want you to take away. Our partners offer us opportunities to expand. We are different and we touched on this a bit ago, but let's touch on it again. Different experiences add to our expanding perspectives as a person. We don't want them to be like us. We want them to inspire us, challenge us, and pull us in places and spaces that we would never go on my own. That's the expansive quality that relationship as a whole brings into our life. As a person. You know, the one thing, the self, the person, the individual self, is dedicated to you becoming more of who you have the capacity to be. You know what's going to inspire and motivate you to go there and embrace things that are a little uncomfortable and risky. Somebody that you deeply love. Like, there's nobody who will do it more than that. And so hence we fall madly in love only to be challenged and pulled in so many directions. What if that was the gift? What if that was the whole damn point? Here's the thing. When you can fully embrace what it is I'm saying here, you're going to value the differences that your partner brings into your life because you're going to see it as an opportunity to grow and expand yourself in places and spaces you would never imagine going. And to help you open up this conversation, I would encourage you to say something along the lines of this, you know what? I miss you. I do. And I feel that we're currently changing and growing in different directions. And what I'd like to ask you for is if we could find some time to explore some fun ways that we could share and co create together again. Is this something that you would be willing to do? Because then we can have a conversation about, oh, I love that you're learning this and you're going there and that this is valuable and important to you. How can I support you in that? How can I be a part of that? How can I contribute to that? And Your partner can do the same. Oh, wow. You want to go and do and be a part of all of these things. How can I support you in that? How can I contribute to that? Because if we're not having that conversation, you know what we're doing? We're becoming afraid of how my partner is growing and changing, and the aspirations and goals that they have and share within themselves are not being talked about. And I'm doing everything I can to, like, shut them down and keep them small for fear that I won't find a place in a space where I belong with you, around you anymore. I'm being left behind without realizing you're missing the point.

Well, I think it's really important in all of these scripts or suggested ways to approach these different conversations that we've shared, especially this last one. Think about it. I know we say this often, but this is a very, very persistent, precise place. I think that's important for us to. To really look at, to unfold, untap a little bit, is to see how invitational Stacy's suggestion was. So think about it. We see our partner, we think they're just going places and reaching new heights and all different types of aspirations. While you're asking from that suggested script that Stacy shared to be invited into their experience, rather than taking all the defensiveness and the offense of that and like, what the h are you doing? Think about it. I mean, I cannot overemphasize. If you forget everything we've suggested here, if you can remember, am I coming from a place of genuine curiosity and asking to be invited in to my special someone's. Whatever the case may be in these three different conversations. Specifically, I cannot over emphasize how different that will be when you approach it from truly a place of invitation. It's going to render a much different response. Because let me just ask you how different it is for you when you're invited somewhere versus when you're told you have to be somewhere. They're not even in the same universe. They're really aren't.

I am having a flood of memories about many of our clients. One had a partner that wanted to run, you know, triathlons, and so they bought a boat and would help them swim. And they're out there paddling. And of course, they got to expand themselves too by learning how to row and rudder this boat to be of support. It makes me think of the Pacer that runs the last 10 miles with their partner. It makes me think of you and how you set up and encourage me to sing and take lessons. And you know, it was the idea the other day that I realized that I always get emotional. I was so scared to do a podcast when we started our podcast 200 plus episodes ago and you said, I'll sit with you. And I realized that every single 200 episodes you have sat by my side, sometimes not saying anything. But you were here to hold my hand and cheer me on. You didn't let where I wanted to go and who I felt I was personally stop me and my growth. You were there to cheer me on the whole entire time. And in that, I would hope that it's added value to your own life too. And I think that's the point. Rather than feel threatened by these places and spaces that our partners feel compelled to go in the expression of who they are uniquely, how can we get behind and by so doing cause me to step into more of who it is I have the capacity to be too. If you'll have this conversation, you're going to feel more aligned. Even if you feel like right now you're growing in two different directions. You're going to learn how to support each other's personal growth while keeping your relationship strong and thriving. So look, if you've been feeling distant, frustrated, or like things are left unsaid, these conversations are way overdue. And my encouragement to you is to have them. Because these are the conversations we have when couples come to see us. And if you're ready to take these conversations to the next level and truly do something good for your marriage, for your relationship, I want to invite you to join Save your Marriage A Blueprint for Avoiding Divorce. And you can get on the wait list for this program because it's going to fill up fast when we release it. Because this program is packed with tools and strategies to help you navigate the toughest parts of your relationship and help you come out stronger as a result of it. So you can head to the link in the show notes or visit stacybartley.com waitlist to get on this list today. Don't miss it. The Follow the fun that I've chosen today is begin with one conversation. It's a challenge, actually. Begin with one of these conversations and have it commit to having it this week. If you need to replay how to open up the conversation, then listen back. Find that place. Memorize it, rehearse it, practice it. Just pick the one that feels the most helpful for you right now. Our song for today's episode is a song by Snow Allegra. She sings about in this song. It's not that I don't want you here it's just those damn feelings I feel again I know that I don't make things clear But I just want you around I just want you around. You can listen to this song along with every song we've put together for our 200 plus episodes by going to Spotify and searching up Love Shack Live playlist, or by visiting our podcast page@stacybartley.com okay, we threw a lot at them today. Got a little teary. I mean, no podcast is complete without me. Crying seems to be the case lately. Thank you so much for being here with us today. It's a pleasure, truly. And thank you so much for being a listener. We have so many wonderful listeners that reach out and say, love your podcast. It's helped so much. I want you to know messages like that keep us going and inspire us. And if you by chance have a conversation you would like us to address here in the Love Shack, well, let us know. We'd love to honor you in that way. Have a wonderful week. We look forward to being back here with you next time. Bye bye for now. All right, it's time to leave the.

Love Shack, but before we part ways.

We want you to know our door.

Is always open and we'll leave the porch light on.

Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast.

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