#202: The Hard Questions You’re Afraid to Ask in Your Relationship—Answered

There is a moment when you look across the room at your partner and it hits you. Things feel very different.

The connection you used to share feels.

Distant, and the small conversations that once brought you closer now feel like landmines. You've got questions, big questions, and you're not sure where to turn for the answers. Today, we're going straight to the heart of it, answering the toughest and most pressing questions you've asked us on social media and here on our podcast.

Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone standing at a relationship crossroads.

I'm Stacy Bartley, your mentor, and joined with me are my co host and lover, Tom and her daughter Brooke. We've spent years helping couples navigate these difficult moments, and today we're here to help you do the same. Whether it's dealing with emotional distance, feeling unheard, or wondering if your love can survive the many challenges that are stacked up right now for you to face, it's all on the table today. If you've ever thought, are we too.

Far gone to fix this?

Or, man, how do I even start talking again without it turning into a fight? Then stay with us. These aren't just answers. They're the tools that you need to rebuild your connection.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

And so today, in this episode, we.

Do this from time to time, we've curated questions from our social media audience and our listeners. And thank you so much as we begin this. True deep gratitude for engaging with us, for asking your questions and allowing us to be a voice in your life like it means the world. Thank you.

So to kick this episode off, I'm.

Actually going to turn this over to Brooke because she has the curated questions and, you know, for the mystery of it all, I have no idea what the questions are, so you're getting it raw and real.

The first one, we actually received a text today asking a couple episodes ago, I said I would add episodes about manipulation to the show notes and I forgot and I just did a search and we actually have only done two and I'm only going to include one of them because the first one is like one of our very first episodes. We've improved a lot since then. That episode, the most common relationship killer and how to recon, recognize and combat manipulation. It's episode number 111. So for the person who was wondering, I would suggest you go listen to episode number 111 and I think that.

Will help you and perhaps we'll do.

Another one on manipulation.

Yeah, we should add that because thank.

You for bringing that to our attention. I thought there'd be more than that, so.

So did I. It's a really important thing to know. Manipulation. Okay, so next question is. No matter how nice I am and use a lot of I feel statements, he always takes it as an attack. I feel like it's not worth talking anymore. What should I do?

Well, so there's a place here where when the I statements don't work anymore, it's really not about you. And what we need to have a conversation about is. Is where you go when I bring these things up. It's actually a question that needs to be asked, not a statement that needs to be said. This is the principle I want to share with you about this simple truth, that when I speak, I understand myself. And when I listen after asking a question, I have the opportunity to understand someone else. And that is the only moment I have the ability to understand someone else. And how often is it that we think we need to flood more information into our partner to get them to understand where I'm coming from instead of realizing maybe it would behoove me to understand where they go when I say these things? And that would be the conversation, in my opinion, that's missing. Like, when I say these things to you, where do you go? Will you help me understand what's coming up for you when I say this or ask for this or bring this up? I think that would really help me understand you. So I would encourage you to ask a question then instead of an I statement so that you can listen and understand what's happening for your partner. Where do they go when you use these I statements?

Well, that's a great distinction, because I think many times we use these generally.

Accepted relationship principles, which are all fine and good, but we have to never underestimate that this is a very individualized experience that we all walk in this relationship journey. So what Stacy just shared, I think that's the part that doesn't ever get added to. You know, we just did an episode.

Before this one about how this whole.

Alarm clock situation with Stacy and I, if you haven't listened to it, go back and listen to that one. But that would be a great illustration of, like, honey, help me understand why me setting this alarm is so upsetting for you, because my intent is just to serve and love you. So once I finally got that and realized it wasn't that she didn't appreciate me, but it just wasn't the right offering. Okay, well, now I'm gonna let that one go. Like, it doesn't really matter what I think because it doesn't serve Stacy. And if I really love her, which I do, well, then why would I want to constantly piss her off? I mean, so. Well, we just lose all context of that, though. We really do.

And it sounds like this person's partner is really struggling with defensiveness. So no matter how many I feel statements you use, they're going to take every single one personally. So it's making both of you feel bad because you feel like I'm using the correct language, which you are. We suggest using I feel statements all the time, so doing that is not wrong. It's just like dad said, it's not the right context here because your partner is really struggling with taking everything you say or ask for to personally. And that no matter how you phrase it, it's going to keep happening until you ask that question Mom 2 suggested, which is, where do you go when I say these things? That's really what needs to happen.

I'm just thinking about the alarm clock.

Thing as such a.

It's really such a great example of this.

Yeah.

Because it wouldn't matter to me how.

Many eye statements you use. Honey, I'm just trying to help you set this alarm. Honey, I just want to be a support to you. I just am trying to do a thing for you. Honey, I just love you so much. And I would be going, yeah, and every time you do it, it pisses me off.

So if you really love me, you.

Just not do it.

Please don't do it. And you'd go, yeah, but honey, I really want.

I mean, so.

Yeah, this is just. We cannot. I cannot overemphasize this because again, the intent is pure. But what you also have to realize is bringing our life together with another human being. Let's just call it like it is. It's the most challenging and most dynamic and fluid thing we will ever step into. So the thought that we can ever set it. We're going to get these I statements down and we're going to knock it.

Out of the park.

And then like, what? Like, you have to understand this is the human experience. That's why we can't open the book to page 212 letter a sentence.

3.

It's just not how it rolls. So we have to be very somewhat quick on our feet. But more importantly, just really, we need skills.

And also we need flexibility and understanding that sometimes having all the best skills in the world still can't predict that our partner is gonna. Is not gonna take it in the way we've intended.

Like, how would someone that wants to me to set their alarm not find that to be awesome? I found one. I found one. So I guess what I don't.

Why is it you feel like you need to set my alarm clock?

Do you think I'm really that because.

You have a hell of a time.

Waking up in the morning.

Am I really that big of a d. I mean, God, I can't even.

Set my own alarm.

That's another thing is we always say skills are the answer. But also sometimes even if you do the skills perfectly, your partner is still going to get defensive and they're still going to maybe manipulate you or they're still going to take it personally. That's the thing. It's why it's the combination of skills and principles so you can know that if the skill doesn't work well, then it's probably one of the principles that we do in our relationships that's stopping the skill from working.

And remember, we're all very human and we're mess.

Mess making machines.

So we have. We have to remember it's malleable. There's flexibility. Take a pause, take a breath and think, oh, that's quite interesting. I never thought about it that way.

So if. Believe me. Come on.

We teach this stuff because we need to practice it right along with you more than ever. So. And we're a live living lab. And this is why we try to come from this place like we're right there with you.

I mean, over a freaking alarm clock.

Come on now.

So give yourself some grace. A great job on the I statements.

You're knocking it out of the park.

And I statements were never promised to take you to the promised land. If somebody is getting defensive and you don't understand why, then the next opportunity is to have a conversation about where do you go when I say these things? What is it I'm missing? Because I don't understand and seek the understanding and not who's right and who's wrong. So you'll find a win in that, I promise.

As an avoidant, I hear you saying, don't be avoidant, but that isn't simple to do. I'm 58 and I recently learned about my avoidant attachment style, which I feel explains all my behaviors. But after a year of working on this, I still can't have the tough conversations. It's very hard to change the issues that were programmed during childhood trauma. And I don't know what to do.

Well, first of all, I feel you.

And thank you so much for Your.

Question, that was a very vulnerable share and I want you to see.

And just your question.

You're not as avoidant as you think you are because an avoidant wouldn't have just sent the question to us that you just did. So give yourself a little credit there. That was a very vulnerable ask. The second thing that I would say is when I come from an avoidant place, which by the way, isn't a right or a wrong or a good or a bad thing, I just feel inspired to say that avoidant kept you safe and it was a really great decision at some point in time in your life and it brought you here to this place in space at being 50 plus years old, great job. And now you're starting to see that is keeping you from having conversations that you would like to step in and have now in your life. That just means that we've got to figure out how to give this an upgrade. Okay? Because what once kept you safe is now keeping you from connecting deeply with others. And you see that and you know that or you wouldn't have asked the question. So here's the thing. What would help you feel safe in just stepping a little toe into a place in a space where you could show up a little easier? Yeah, you know what? I got news for you. Your stomach's gonna still torn over and your armpits are still gonna get sweaty while you do this. Because everything we want is on the other side of fear. Fear. Is that something I've got to push against in order to grow, in order to expand my abilities that I currently have and in order for me to develop some self esteem and confidence in these new places and spaces. So appreciate the fact that because avoidance has kept you safe and it's done a really great job of that, what's going to need to happen is me risking stepping in to little places and spaces where I feel like I have it to risk. You're probably not going to step into a really big, deep, bold conversation right.

Out of the gate.

But where could I just start stepping out of my comfort zone enough and set it up to where I feel safe to try? And that is going to naturally lead you to a place where this concept and idea of avoidant will be something that you can let go of. Because here's the thing, dear listener, I don't want you to identify as an avoidant. That's an experience you've had and have had for a really long time, but it is certainly not who you are. You have the capacity to be much more Than that, if you will allow yourself to try and risk just a little bit, not the whole enchilada, just a little bit, and think about ways on this journey that you can help yourself feel safer and safer about saying what it is you need to say. And I'm going to give you some ideas of avoidance who have traveled this path before you. Things that I needed to feel safe or things like, you know what? This is really hard for me to say, so I'm going to ask that you just hear me out before you say anything. Because if you interrupt me, I'm going to stop and I won't come back to the conversation. Great. Got it. Okay. That's something you could ask for or something else that might help you feel safe is, you know what? Before I say anything, what I need to hear from you to just reassure me that this is safe, is that you care about me, that you love me, that you want to hear what I have to say. Could you do that for me? Yeah, I can. And somebody can say those things back to you that genuinely cares and loves about you so that you can step into the conversation. Take that framework I just offered and plug it in wherever you might need to as you contemplate what is it you would need to hear or what is it you would need to experience to feel safe, to open up just a little bit every time you sit down to have a conversation and realize that the power to ask for those things is within your ability. All you need to do then is try, take what I've said, make it as safe as you possibly can, and then commit to yourself that you'll risk putting yet a little more into the conversation every time you approach it. And it's okay for you to get to a place in the conversation where you say, I've come as far as I can this round. I need to pause now and step out. Awesome. Well done. Just commit to coming back to it again because like anything, you're going to get better at this as you do it. Not better at this as you avoid it. If that's truly where you want to go. And I'm cheering for you. This is big. It makes me think of Mason. Mason, you're probably listening to this podcast. Oh, and I'm gonna get teary. I love you, Mason. I love you. And you're such a great example and such a great mentor and role model for all of the avoidance out there. And he's not an avoidant anymore. He doesn't even identify as an avoidant anymore, but he sure did when he came into our world. And so just know it's possible, dear listener, you know, because Mason has made it so.

Okay, the next question is, I'd love to learn more. So, skills for handling situations where dishonesty comes up in a relationship, Specifically, what advice do you have for the reactive partner? Someone who feels hurt or betrayed and struggles to respond without escalating the conflict. How can they help break the cycle of dishonesty while creating safety for both partners?

So this is a huge question and one that takes many skills in order to accomplish successfully. Going to briefly walk through some of the steps that you need to be mindful of, because when it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship, it often takes facilitation and skills to get successful with it because there has been so many triggers and hurt feelings that have transpired between the two individuals. And so as much as I can say without practice, okay, just don't react. Ooh, that's a big ask. When I don't know what else to do. We can see often and understand what's not working, but what's challenging for us is I don't know what to do with all of this experience I'm having internally. And so I end up not being able to take it anymore, essentially not being able to manage it anymore. And then I say something or do something that then once again compromises the ability to continue the conversation. And I think we can all relate to that. We can all relate to moments where we're having a conversation, we think we're good and then all of a sudden we just, ah, that something happens that takes me over the edge and I do or say something that then derails the entire thing, the entire experience. This is often where dishonesty that comes in many shapes and forms that we talk about in the trust episode. And there's several of them. We'll put them in the show notes here. If this is indeed a place that you are, it's important that the first time step in being able to have success with rebuilding trust and emotional safety in our relationship is we've got to find a place of emotional regulation. And that is our greatest challenge. So what do I do when I notice I'm in a space and a place where I can no longer carry on with a conversation? Well, the first thing is I've got to become aware that I'm in that spot. And as simple as that sounds, we often don't track where I'm at in a conversation. So the first thing that I'm going to encourage you to practice is remaining aware of where you are in the emotional escalation. The thing that's challenging as human beings and our human experience is the only time I can successfully manage emotion is before it's escalated. Because once it's escalated, stopping the emotion at that point in time will probably not happen. So unless I'm aware of how it's building and where I'm at in relation to crossing over into a space where I just lose it, I have to be able to err on the side of caution. The second thing that we don't realize we can do is that we can pause the conversation when it steps into a conversation. We've often been holding the emotion for so long that we just think, okay, this is that moment. I'm going to really give it to them without realizing we might want to do that in slower, more intentional rounds for success, that this conversation doesn't have to be a one and done. And sometimes we think once the conversation is open, well then let's just go for it. Let's just bear down, give it hell and see where it takes us. And more times than not, it's going to take you to the same old place it always has because there's no skill or intentionality around it and there's no awareness in regards to where I'm at in the escalation process. And I have no brake pedal. So it's kind of like, you know, metaphorically, we get in a car, we open up the conversation, we decide we're going to go somewhere, and then all we have is a gas pedal. And pretty soon we realize that we're careening down a canyon road way too fast. And now I'm just trying to survive and react to what's coming at me super fast. And inevitably we're probably going to careen into a tree. That's what we do emotionally in these conversations that are really important.

So really some pre planning is really crucial here.

Absolutely. Some intentionality to it is so important. And if I'm not in a place to step into a conversation, even if my partner is bringing it up, it would behoove me to say so. Like if I'm checking in with some self awareness in regards to can I focus, can I listen? Do I feel like I have the ability to keep it together right now in this moment? Well, you probably want to ask yourself those things and then step into the conversation. And then as you're moment by moment sharing and aware of your emotional right experience, is it escalating? Do you feel like you're okay. And then when it feels like it's not going to be okay, like you're not going to be able to regulate this. And again, I would encourage you to err on the side of caution. It would be easier and better for you to tap out and use your brake pedal and come back around to this a day from now or 30 minutes from now than it would for you to just hit the gas pedal and end up where you end up. It's probably not going to go well. You can see that in all that I've just said there. It's going to take some practice. I just said a lot. You can probably logically wrap your head around the words that I'm saying, but then to practice it in real time is a whole other thing. It's the difference between reading how to do something and then actually doing it well.

And if I heard you correctly, babe, you're not going to be able to step into this conversation and have a different experience and different result if we're going to step in there like we always have in the past. And so again, that's a logical enough understanding. So you really have to set it up for success before you step into this conversation and want a different outcome.

And just because you can find a place of being mindful and aware of where you are in a conversation doesn't necessarily mean that your partner is going to follow suit either. So I just want to point out here a job that only we can do as individuals. So it's going to take the two of us to practice and get good at this place of being able to be intentional about our conversations and then us being able to honor when the partner I'm speaking to may become right over stimulated or not in a place where they're saying, hey, we need to pause this conversation right now, please. Because I'm not wanting to go where it is we're going, or I'm having a difficult time listening or staying present, or my emotions are running away from me. If we don't have the slow intentional awareness to have that conversation, then and I just think, well, I'm fine, you should be fine. And I just continue and not honor the pause. And we're going to end up careening into the same tree. So that's hard. And emotion already in motion is really difficult to stop. We don't want to stop. As logical as it seems, even with the metaphor I've given you, when things are escalating, the last thing we think of is stop. I probably need to Pause this conversation. What we tend to think is, oh, let me just make this one more point, or let me just say this one more thing that's surely going to get them to go, aha, I see the light, I see where you're coming from. I just need you to understand and see right now as you reflect in your own conversations. Does that ever happen? Has that ever been successful? And I'm going to tell you it isn't 100% of the time. And yet we still keep buying into the same idea that one more word or not pausing the conversation isn't a good idea because I'm all fired up, know what I want to say, know how I'm going to say it, et cetera. And I'm going to do it right now because I've been waiting a long time to do this.

Yeah, I think what's coming to mind is what you share often is, you know, change and growth happens is when we feel ourselves emotionally, behaviorally slipping back to what we've always done and we're able to stop ourself from the default, pushing that clutch, take that pause and then recalculate and then start showing up and behaving in a different way than what we've always done. That is really the initial inflection point of change. And if we don't do that, then we're always going to have what we've always had in the past.

Now, the good news in all of this is that if you have one person in a conversation that can maintain a sense of awareness of where the emotional escalation is, that one person can moderate the conversation for everyone involved. I mean, that's what a good mediator does, right? A good mediator monitors the emotional escalation and sense of well being for all parties involved. And sometimes that's a really difficult thing to do when you're in it. That's why a third party is helpful. As there's no emotional entanglement or attachment to the conversation being had, they are truly objective and unbiased and supporting the awareness in the room of where the emotional escalation is and can manage that. However, the good news is if you have what you sense to be a good working acumen of your own awareness in regards to emotional regulation, and you're pretty good at grounding yourself, then you're probably aware of when your partner is tipping over the edge of and you can say, hey, are you okay? How about if we pause this conversation and come back to it and let's all take a break or let's all stop and take 10 breaths. By the way, closing your eyes and breathing is a really great way to ground in real time. What do I mean by ground? Slow everything down. So if I'm noticing I'm starting to spin up and I don't necessarily feel like I want to pause the conversation, I can always close my eyes and intentionally slow. Slow my breathing down, which will help slow the emotion down, which can help me remain present. And there's going to be a point in time in the escalation where even that may not help you. So you need to be really aware, and it's going to take some practice to get good at this. Here's the really awesome thing. When couples get good and build a confidence within themselves and each other, to collectively monitor where we are. With, of course, the goal being, I don't want to take my emotional triggers or hurt or suffering out on you. Like, that's the cardinal rule of communication. It's okay for me to feel the way I feel, but at no time is it okay for me to take it out on you, blame you, attack you, or fall silent and leave you hanging. Those are all examples of taking it out on you. If I'm not able to continue the conversation, just let me know and then we'll honor the pause, knowing that. That we're going to come back to it. By the way, if you pause the conversation, it's really important for you to declare a time when we're going to come back to it. Otherwise, it feels like you're just trying to dodge the conversation altogether, and so we need to come back to it. If you've been listening to our podcast for any point in time, you hear me say this often. Take 50 rounds to have an important conversation. Take 150 rounds. What we don't want to do, just use the gas pedal, because then it compromises the emotional safety that we're desperately trying to build. And once we cross what I call the red line and lose it and say a bunch of things I feel bad about and regret later, and you do the same, and we've taken our emotion out on each other, well, then we're back to ground zero. It's not that it can't be done. It just complicates things, makes it a little more messy. So if we can just remember to err on the side of use the brake pedal is much better than trying to recover after blowing out all the emotional safety. Again, you're going to be a lot better off. And then you build this Sense of. In your relationship to have the difficult conversations so you're more likely to have them more often. And that's how that happens over time.

You start to stack on this positive new experience that we've just described. And then the next one can be maybe not quite so intimidating and maybe not quite so many pauses or getting back to the conversation. And you just keep continually to stack and stack on these new behaviors. The normal.

May I ask you to just share your personal experience with this? Because when we first came together, not that I just had a little more skills in this area just because of my work prior to you and I coming together. Is that fair to say? And I remember you being really cautious, shall we say? I'm trying to find the perfect words. Cautious of having difficult conversations. And I don't want to put words in your mouth, but would it be fair to say that you're much more comfortable having them now than you've ever been?

Absolutely.

Would you just share a little bit of what that.

Well, I would just say really, in a nutshell, it's exactly what we teach and coach and mentor is, you know, there's nothing like practice. And even though it's not something that I geek out on to what you do, Mrs. Bartley, I geek out on them. Yes. You like to roll up your sleeves and get all messy and jump in. No, I say that somewhat with some fun, but no, they don't intimidate me. They don't derail me.

Do you feel like that in your past life? It used to.

Or I would say I was very reluctant to step into them. And I think that's what most people is their position. They would rather acquiesce or kind of push it off or think it will be fine at some point in time it will work itself out rather than what you just described. This is a process of repetitions in the emotional weightlifting gym that really, really, in my experience, you're not going to experience any kind of more ease in this unless you do this. No different than if you have a physical practice and maybe stepping into a way to work out your body that you haven't in a long time. You just have to get in there and get after it.

Well, and the reason why I geek out on them is because I know the solutions and all the good news is in that conversation. So it's like, let's go.

Let's.

Let's get it going.

So no, I still don't maybe kind of rub my hands together like a good meal like you do when we know we're having one, but they're not nearly as intimidating as they used to be. I think that's the best way for me to share what.

And would you say I feel inspired to say this? I'll say it before we move on to the next question is it's really what brings the confidence in a relationship together. I would say knowing that I can come to you with anything and that we'll find a way to make sure that we both feel heard and that we explore all the solutions in it and that we can honor and validate each other. You know what I mean? Our experiences. Maybe that's poorly said, but I'm trying to just iterate a feeling. I'm trying to put this feeling into words. It's a sense of solidarity and confidence and that you have my back and that we can do this. There's a confidence in our relationship that I have because we have the ability to do what we've just talked about.

No question. I mean, that's the only reason why we're still here and still doing what we do. Because as I share often on my clarity calls as Stacey and I have a real living lab every day to practice in what we teach and coach and mentor because of the massive amount of numbers meaning family, children, grandchildren that we have around us, that's really how we've been able to. And siblings and our whole life is family, which is wonderful. But it's fast and furious and there's lots of moving parts which constantly need these skills to be able to navigate or it would potentially derail you.

So if listeners say, oh, Tom and Stacy, you don't have any problems, you guys have the perfect relationship, which people have said, what would you say to that?

I'm smiling. Yes, we have a wonderful relationship. But what I share often too is everyone has the potential to have a great relationship. I do feel there is a disconnect as to what is required. The reason we have what we have is because there's nothing of higher importance. And the reason why I say that so confidently is because if you look in your date book and your checkbook, both of those are very much cited at the highest priority is our marriage and our family and our relationship. That's the very highest importance things of everything that we do. So you have to behave. If that's what you're saying you want, then your behaviors have to follow that.

Yeah.

So it doesn't happen by accident.

And I would say we have challenges and conflict just like every couple does. And it can get messy. Just like all all human life can be. I think the only leg up that we have is that we have some principles, principles and skills with which we know and can count on confidently because they're tried and proven. We just get through it quicker and faster.

Yeah, if there's anything we maybe do differently anybody else's, we're really good at cleaning up our messes fast because I want to get back to the good stuff as fast as possible. I don't want to hang out in all the difficulty.

Get through it. Let's get on with it.

Let's get on with it. Next question.

How do you emotionally regulate when you're in a period of space in your relationship?

A period of space. When we're in it a space and separation brings up a lot of emotions. I'm either avoiding not wanting to engage or talk in this place of space and separation. And inevitably there's going to be a partner who is reeling from that and just needs to think of ways in order to engage their partner. And I'm having a really difficult time coping with that. When we do our live cohorts and we're actually doing a 30 day roadmap with our cohort members, one of the things that we tell them to answer this question specifically because it's a big one. How do I regulate when I'm in a period of space and separation and all I can ruminate and obsessively think about is not only just my partner, but maybe all the ways that I should have or could have done it differently. And then if that's not enough to create a horror picture internally that I feel emotionally unliving, I'm also ruminating on what does this mean and what happens and what if this doesn't work out and our brains become mired in the fear and insecurity of it all? Like this is a place of everything's on the table and re evaluation and transformation. And when that happens to us as a human being, all the what ifs and all the horror pictures and all the fears and insecurities within us kind of merge up and on are on the table. And it's a lot to manage.

And I would say that the decision cognitive overload in this particular place of the relationship journey I think is unprecedented like no other. So what Stacy just shared, when we are facilitating a cohort, what we're really asking people to do is to really narrow the place that they're walking because what you're trying to navigate out of the gate is simply not possible.

Yes.

So Step one, take it. And you hear this often, but it's like, you've got to do your best to not go anywhere and start predicting what you think the future is going to be or what you think is going to happen. So it's like, am I safe right now? Am I okay right now? What can I do right now that will let me know I'm okay? And that is the best way to navigate through the future. Pacing or the ability, obsessing about the past. Number two is you're gonna need to find something that can help you focus your mind, because your mind is naturally going to go back to what we've just talked about. And so as we facilitate these cohorts, we encourage all of our clients to find a project, find something new to learn. Find something that you haven't engaged in for a while. This can be everything from an art project, project learning a new medium of art to. And we've had people, you know, work on cars, pull cars apart intentionally or some motorized vehicle, or go back to the wood shop and build something, or pull out the sewing or the knitting, or any measure of reorganizing the house. Anything that when this place of difficulty comes up and you notice that your mind is obsessive, obsessing about the past or what's going to happen in the future, that you have a project you can dig into that will bring you back to the present moment and help you focus your mind. And then not only focus your mind, but give you a sense of contribution or a sense of expression in this present moment. And so I would say that those are the two best ways for you to regulate your emotions when you're in a period of space and separation. And this way of coping is also going to help you honor the agreement of no contact, which is usually where this all stems from, the no contact. It's like our little brains go, but I must have contact. I'm not going to be okay if I don't.

Or I just need to share this one more thing. And I know that will bring him or her back.

I figured it out.

I'm gonna send him this TikTok.

I mean, this is. This is. The pull of. This is so strong. I mean, from what we've known and what we've heard. And the four, if you're listening live, we've facilitate four of these, and we're going to be doing one. If you're listening live, the first part of 2025, I mean, it takes a lot and oftentimes some outside help and support so we wrap our digital arms around you, if you will, really, really narrow. I know I've said this, but I think you'll get your arms. You have to narrow the places of where you're living because you're navigating things, and the what ifs are off the chart. And so we've got to slow that down. So Stacy should describe what is something that maybe potentially in your past or maybe something new that can really occupy you now. What, you know, could be writing. I mean, anything that. Because we've heard really good results from this. So you're going to have to kind of distract yourself in a very positive manner to help slow things down.

1.

And when you think about it, you're filling the void that has been created from the separation. And if we leave it unfilled, you'll probably not win.

Well, because. Yeah. And some. And if you don't intentionally fill it, believe me, there'll be many things that will fill it that won't serve you so well that will just add to the already unbelievable amount of navigating things you're navigating.

Yeah.

So be intentional about feeling that void and fill it with something that fills you up, because often what we do is we feel it with more drama and more acting out. And so just be mindful and intentional of that. And then the last thing that I'll say is, remember, a place of space and separation is a place in a space where we're reevaluating. Where are we going to go from here? And very often one of the things that has really taken a hit is the emotional safety in the relationship for a myriad of reasons. But that's usually the foundational place in space where it gets so compromised that one or both of us say, I can't do this anymore. I'm out of emotional gas because of this. And so the last thing you want to do is make it up in your own illusion that one more text or one more piece of advice on TikTok or one more book that you're reading or one more plea, emotional, shall we say, plead of, please, I just need to hear your voice. I just need to, you know, violates the safety that you're trying to build when you say, these are the new agreements that are going to govern our relationship. There's no excuse for violating them. And every time you do, you're kind of setting yourself back. And so I know honoring it because you do have this void is really difficult. So then we need to fill it with something that fills you up too. Otherwise, we create a lot more drama and a lot more suffering unnecessarily. So this is a great question, because it is very difficult to emotionally regulate when you're in a period of space and separation. And it takes some incredible intentionality to be successful. And the really good news is you can be successful with it. Just fill the void with something that fills you up so that when you do start spinning and you will, you know, past stuff or future fears, you have something to go. Okay, I gotta focus my mind here.

And I would say consider joining us in our next cohort, because this is exactly designed to help you through this very difficult place in the relationship journey.

Yeah, well, that's why we created it.

Right where there was just so much suffering going on in this place of separation that we felt like we really needed to do something to support people that are going through it. And it's such a powerful experience. It really is a powerful experience. That lifelong change.

Yeah.

All right, next question.

I just listened to episode 168, and I completely agree with everything. However, I'm struggling with the wants.

Okay, first of all, episode number 168 is about steps and practical exercises to rebuild trust. Just so that we all know the context here of the question, and we talk about in this episode how we must find trust within ourselves first. And that's because trust is something that I give. It's really not something I get from others. If I just break this down really quickly. Trust is my ability to risk with somebody else. And so when I say I can't trust you anymore, I'm really saying I don't feel comfortable risking with you anymore. And so when we start the conversation of rebuilding trust, we need to realize that what I'm doing is rebuilding my own ability to trust myself to risk again, regardless of how this goes.

And do most people typically say or sense that they need to demand trust of the person that potentially has betrayed that trust?

Yes. They're waiting for this experience of trust to come from their partner. Now, just stop and think about that logically for a minute. Like, how is that going to happen?

I'm not sure.

Yes, exactly.

That's what most of us do. It's like, now wait a minute. The person that probably violated our trust is the person that you're wanting to trust again. And so how do they showcase to you, demonstrate trustworthy?

And we all know, I'm sure people, the listener might say, well, how about their actions? How about, can we monitor all of their actions? And then base, if we're going to be if they're going to be trustworthy to us again by their actions. And we're going to measure them and monitor them, put trackers on their cars and their phone and those types of things.

Yeah.

The only problem with that, though, is actions can be so misconstrued. And if I'm looking at it from a place and from the mindful awareness that you're going to violate my trust, because I'm saying scared and I'm watching for you to violate my trust, you swinging by the grocery store and taking an extra 10 minutes could be misconstrued as a whole bunch of things when really I was just 10 minutes longer at the grocery store. Or you opening your phone while we're sitting on the couch could be misconstrued as a whole bunch of things that it's not. So that really doesn't take us there either, does it? Our clients that dis disclose their tracking and gathering all this intel and information and such, it becomes a Nightmare. Like, in 2.3 seconds, it becomes a nightmare. Because all of these things, all of this information that they're gathering on their partner then turns into this. This something that they're construing a story around. And now that's keeping them up at night. They're trying to figure out why they were an extra 30 minutes late or why it is they postponed, you know, our plans for dinner until tomorrow or why it is when I walked into the room, they immediately closed their phone. Like, I start making up all kinds of things about this, and this is how it is. We can drive ourselves insane. Like our brains are navigating all of this information. And guess what? Our brains do? They turn it into a narrative that makes sense to me. So if I'm making up that you're untrustworthy, I can find a plethora of stories based on your behavior that showcase to me that you're not being trustworthy.

So what do we do instead?

So the first step is you've got to build trust within yourself. You're setting yourself up to risk that I know I'm going to be okay regardless of how this goes, so I can step in and truly explore what's here. And however this goes, I trust myself to get through it. I trust myself to navigate it. I trust myself to be okay through the process instead of wanting my partner to reassure me or help me feel like I can trust them again. It's. It's not the proper place for trust to come from. It's kind of a setup. So it's not in controlling our partners and their actions and emotions. Rebuilding trust needs to come from within me. So if you want some more steps in regards to how to build trust, I would encourage you to go back and listen to 168. And now we're gonna go deeper into the question that's actually being asked about this episode, which is a really great episode, by the way. So she continues, okay, so she's saying, after watching episode number 168, she continues by saying, I've been struggling with figuring.

Out what I want for months and months now. I can kind of speak to that generally. For example, peace, positivity, feeling cared for, but I can't think of much beyond that. Do you have some examples for inspiration at least?

And the reason why she's asking about wants is because in 168 episode, we talk about how to step into conversations when rebuilding trust and creating that safe place for mice self by talking about what it is we want instead of what we don't want. And when we think of human interactions between couples, you find that we spend a lot of time talking about all the problems and all the things that have happened that we don't want. I never want to see this again. Oh, here you go again. We're going to go down this place again. And we spend the majority of our time talking about the things we don't want. And there's this elusive quality in that experience that we make up, kind of like not using the brake pedal, that as soon as we get to the bottom of who's responsible and who's to blame for this whole shit show, then we're going to be able to move on and create the life that we used to have or that we're longing for without realizing, no, you won't, actually. You're going to only stay mired in the don't want parts of your relationship. And unfortunately, that's why you start to feel emotionally stuck. You are emotionally stuck and mired in all the things that you don't want. And so in order to move us forward out of any conversation and towards anything that's more life giving in our conversations, in our lives, is we've got to get good at pursuing the want. And so our beautiful listener here who's asked this question is saying, I'm having a really difficult time with wants. And I first want to say, that is so normal. We have not practiced a lot of time in our human conversations and experiences thinking about what it is we want. Our brains are so rehearsed and so programmed to think about and point out everything we don't want. And we are so good at this that we can do it in a millisecond. I don't want this. I don't want this. That's messed up. That's jacked up. I'm done with that. And then you say, well, what do I want? And much like our listener here, it's like, I don't have anything in my filing cabinet for that. I don't know what I want. I don't know. Well, the really good news is because we live in a world where we can learn from the polarities or the contrast of life, we can allow the don't wants to kind of have their way with us. We can utilize the well rehearsed skill that we already have to help us get to our wants. And we can do that by, okay, fine, I'm going to stop trying to think about what I want intentionally, and I'm just going to make a list and look at all the don't wants that I am hung up on, because I'm probably 100% aware of all of those. So I'm going to encourage you to make a list of those. This is a really great exercise to do. Anytime you feel confused or conflicted about anything that might be playing out in your life, let your brain just have its way with you and list out all the things that are messed up, not working, that you're frustrated with, you're tired of. Like, those are the lists of your don't wants. And then step away from it. You know, I like to maybe go for a walk and then I'll come back to the list and I'll be in a mindset of, okay, I'm trying to sort out the want here. So if this is what I don't want, what would be the polar opposite of that? If I don't want, for example, to feel mired in being stuck, then I want to feel unstuck. And I know that to get unstuck, I'm going to have to ask for something that I want. I'm going to have to explore new places and spaces, and that would be my want. I could turn that into an ask. I could say, you know what I'd really like us to try is to try something new or different or explore something new that we can experience together. I'm feeling stuck. And you can do that with each thing that you have on your list. And this isn't a rushing exercise. Sometimes we get so eager to get to the end so we think I gotta get this all figured out. I gotta do it all right now. I gotta understand what my wants are. And I'm just gonna encourage you to like, take a breath and consider this more like an exploration of yourself. Like, what might I discover about me if I just really sit and contemplate this polar opposite experience of what it is.

I don't.

And yeah, and you really want to be clear that these are coming from you, not in what you would expect or anticipate your special someone, how he or she would want you to answer that. Okay. And that's really easy to do. So as Stacy shared, you know, just get yourself into a really good place, maybe get your favorite beverage in environment place, maybe outside or inside, whatever, where you really feel calm and present and then just really spend some time. And for many people they've. Because they've shared this with us, this is a very, very different and new experience for them. But it can be very revealing. And being that you have the don't want. So we've got a really good foundation here, then we can just. What would be the exact opposite of that? Okay. And again from you, not from how you would expect your partner, he or she to think you would answer that.

Well, you know, babe, that's a really big thing that you've just touched on. And I feel like maybe we need to just speak a little bit more about that because we often don't realize when we're in a relationship, especially one that we love and adore and that maybe quite honestly, we've sacrificed a lot of ourselves to remain in. Yeah, we don't realize sometimes that we're filtering a lot of my wants out actually, because I'm not feeling like they.

Would be received well, like a watered down version.

Yes.

Because I've toned it back and scaled it back again and again trying to co create with you or be a part of this relationship or make it work for you, because I love you, that very easily and very slowly we can become numb and lose that feedback intel that is happening internally for ourselves. So when we really struggle with not being able to find our wands as our listener who's asked the question is experiencing, it's because I won't really allow myself the freedom to truly explore that. I'm filtering it based on what I think everybody else wants or what I think my partner might find appropriate or okay, so I won't allow myself to even say it. And clients who actually do this and find themselves in this space often say, is it okay for Me to want this?

Yeah, it's okay for you to want this.

It really is okay for you to want this and to say this and to pursue this.

Get asked that a lot.

We do. And so it's like opening the door for a breath of fresh air within yourself that whatever it is, I'm just going to give myself the permission to look at it and experience it and explore it. And then what I do from there is a completely different thing. But just allow yourself to explore it and see what you uncover about yourself and that's going to be the best way for you to uncover your wants. That yes, I just want to reassure the asker of this question that we all struggle with finding our wants based on the things that we've touched on this conversation. We do often meter ourselves and what we truly want by what we feel is acceptable around us. And thereby all of a sudden we can find ourselves in this watered down version of ourselves, feeling numb and disconnected. And I can only think of a few handful of things that just tells me that you need to take a breath and really look and explore what do I want? And use those don't wants as the foundation to get there.

Like we've said in other places in this particular episode, you don't have to do this in one sit down, if you will, have a stab at it, if you will, and then come away from then a day or two sit back down to this is going to be a very. For what people share with us and even myself included, we don't spend a lot of time in this area of our life. So just like anything else that's new, it's going to take some time and it's going to feel a little bit awkward and different, especially in the beginning. Simply writing it down doesn't mean that it's going to be so. It's just simply an exploratory experience that most of us really have not done in a long time or maybe never.

And then you can decide what it is you're going to do with it. And oh, by the way, I'll just mention this briefly. We're constantly changing. So it's an irony that once you get it all done and you go, oh, this is it, this is what I want, it will change and you'll be back to rediscovering what I want now. And then a day or two or a week or two or months from now, what do I want now? This is a constant process of discovery. And the really good news about it is if you think about it in the context of co creation, we're never going to run out of things to create because I'm changing and you're changing and what we need is changing and how we put it together is changing. So it's this ever evolving, ever transforming. That's a really good thing. We don't want to play as much as we think. We do the set it and forget it game because then the act of creating is over. We've arrived at the end. Well, what does that mean? The end means it's over. Do we really want the end? Do we really want it to get all figured out? No. Heck no. And as one of my favorite philosophers, Alan Watts, says, you know, if the end was the point, then we would all congregate into stadiums and symphony halls where we would listen to the last few bars of the music be played and then we'd go, okay, it's the end. Everybody out. Everybody go home. Like it's the end. We've arrived. And yet you find in that simple analogy that it's really not the end we're after, it's the experience that we're after. And the end is often the place where we go, oh, it's over. That was so incredible.

It's time to figure out a new journey and start again.

Exactly. I hope that helps you our Follow.

The fun today is a little bit of a vision mapping. And this is where I'm going to encourage you and your partner to create a personal, personal vision of how it is you would like to experience your life and then share it over a wonderful meal. Because what you desire to expand, explore, become experience can inspire your partner as well as we can have a conversation about how we're going to co create together. As we start laying these ideas of inspiration and possibility on the table. It can start individually, as you say, oh, I really want to make sure we explore this and do this and go there and your partner's going to have some differences there too. Don't worry if they're not the same, because there's going to be a hybrid that is emerging out of that that I really want the two of you to uncover and discover. And it will crave for some really great bonding as well. And as we step into our song today, it's kind of a match to this idea of follow the fun. Because her, who is an incredible artist in my humble opinion, love to have her on our podcast.

Anybody knows her?

Anybody knows how to get in touch with her.

That's funny.

Her pun intended? Pun intended, yes.

She has a song called could have Been, where she sings we could have been. And we tried to pretend we don't dream about what we could have been. Instead we fight about what was.

And I just think let's we do that so much in our relationships.

We don't think about what could be and where we want to go and what we would like to create more of. We're too busy shaking in our boots, afraid to have the conversations bring the things to the table that I really, really long for and desire. And I don't allow you to do the same because when you bring them up, I shut them down because it terrifies the hell out of me. So we just don't talk about what could be and we just grind through living and then we lose our way and we turn it into something that could have been. You know, we miss out on what could have been. So you can listen to this song along with all of our songs for each and every episode by going to our podcast page or by visiting our Spotify playlist at Love Shack Live playlist. Thank you so much to all of you have submitted your questions and connected with us and reached out to us. It's truly a pleasure to to do this. We probably should do this more often. Yeah. Because we want you to know how much we value you. Thank you again so much for being here with us and we look forward to being together with you again in the Love Shack next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.