#204: Are You Being Manipulated—or Are You the Manipulator?

Picture this. You're in yet another argument with your partner. The same issue, different day. You feel dismissed, maybe even controlled. And every time you try and bring it up, it somehow twists back onto you. You wonder, am I the problem? Am I crazy? Are they? Or is something else going on here? Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone feeling lost in their relationship. If you're standing at a crossroads, facing daily conflicts, or noticing a growing emotional gap, this is your space to learn how to rebuild a bond that's true, lasting, and grounded in self respect and respect of others. I'm Stacey Bartley and I'm your relationship mentor here with my co host and lover, Tom and our daughter Brooke. Together, we've helped thousands of couples recognize patterns that create distance and develop skills to find their way back to the good stuff. Today, we're diving into a topic that affects everyone. It's a little topic we title manipulation. Here's the hard truth. We're all guilty of manipulation whether we like it or not. We've been taught to use it from childhood, society and our families of origin. It's a behavior we reach for when we feel like we want to matter and get our needs met. But when does getting our way turn into damaging our connections not only with others, but with ourselves? And what can we do to to connect with others and ourselves without using these subtle tactics? In this episode, we'll explore how manipulation shows up in ways you might not even realize, and why it's so common. And what you can do instead of. Yes, the game of manipulation that in this moment, you're probably not even aware of. Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack. Manipulation is most often understood as a topic that plays havoc in our relationships. It has a pervasive role in our lives and greatly damages our connections with both ourselves and others. So why do we engage in manipulation? We're here today to break this down for you. So let's begin by asking this question. What comes to mind for you when you hear the word manipulation? What do you think? Are you a manipulator? And most of us would grab our shirts and our chests and go, oh, heavens no, not me. The truth is, we're all master manipulators. We've all been conditioned to use it to cope and get our needs met. Because it wasn't okay to simply ask for what it is we wanted and needed, like we did as a three or a four year old. So let's start with the meaning of manipulation. Because what we're going to do in this Conversation today is help you see that manipulation is pervasive in our lives, and we're just not simply aware of it. So what is the meaning of manipulation? Well, according to the Oxford Dictionary, it's unfair or insidious behavior to one's own advantage. So it's a place where it might be unfair and it might create a few consequences, not make me feel all that great, but I'm okay doing it because I'm going to get what I need out of it. All right, now that we've defined it, what are the forms of manipulation? And here's where I want you to begin. Thinking of a crayon box. Okay? The box of crayons is manipulation, like the box itself. And the inside of that box of crayons is a lot of different flavors and fashions and colors of manipulation itself. So here you might find in the box, in a colorful combination. Is gaslighting undermining someone's perception of reality is what gaslighting is? Or how about the color of narcissistic behaviors needing others validation to feel right and powerful? How about the beautiful color of control and codependency, which is maintaining power through dependency and control? How about the ever elusive attachment styles that we tend to get spun up in? How does this affect how it is I define myself in a relationship with others? What is okay for me to do and not do, and what can I justify in the behavior of doing it? There are many, many forms of beautiful colors. Brooky, were you going to add a few?

I was just going to say I hope that people who are hearing this and thought, of course, me, I'm not a manipulator. I hope you can see that a lot of the times we're manipulating, we have no idea that we are. That's not our intent. I would say that most of the time, we're not, like, I'm gonna manipulate my partner today. And that is, I think, where we go wrong. We think that just because we don't mean to or just because that's not what we set out to do at the beginning of the conversation, that we're not manipulators. But I think it's really important to see that you've probably done some or all of these behaviors unintentionally or intentionally, and it's so much easier to just accept the fact that you're a manipulator so that you can see the behavior easier in you and in others. And then by doing that, that's what gives you the option to stop it and choose something else.

Yeah.

If we just continue to say we're not it, or that, you know, we're, we're too defensive to admit the fact that we possibly could be manipulating, then it makes it impossible for you to change and choose something different.

And I would think it's. We don't often realize how this behavior is interwoven into everything, all of our relationships. Again, it's subtle and maybe not so subtle, but it really is, you know, like we say often, none of us get the hall pass on this one.

Yeah, we don't. And that's if I'm trying to be sweet. And I don't want to declare that I am overtly manipulating you, you and I sitting in a space. I want to leave, but I'm not going to say so. And I simply say to you, you want to go. That's manipulation. Instead of saying I want to leave. Does that work for you? And here's why. What every form of manipulation has in common. Every single form. That's why we can put it in a crayon box. Because everything that is manipulative at the core, at the heart of it has creating feelings of doubt in others and in myself. And oh, by the way, I can manipulate the heck out of myself. I start spinning in doubt and second guessing and can't make a decision to save my life. That is the easiest way for me to dismantle any sense of confidence or self esteem within me. But I also do it in others. Anytime I criticize, belittle, minimize, disregard, ignore challenge, question, scoff at somebody to create doubt in them about the way they did it or didn't do it. So this gives me the ability to like flip it any direction that I need to. The minute I get you to feel doubt or experience doubt in any of it is the minute that I slip into the power position and I have you literally by the throat, you're going to do what it is. I want you to call that kryptonite. Doubt is the kryptonite of human beings. If I can get you to buy into that or I can dismantle myself in it, in 22.3 seconds, I turn in to a blubbering idiot and a hot, hot, hot mess. And I want you to see this is at the heart of every power and control conflict. Why do I dismantle you and create doubt in you? Well, because I want to be right.

You want to create that doubt and make people think that they don't know, you know, what to think so that you can be the one to provide the answers. And it's not necessarily the right answer, it's just the answer that you want them to think is the right answer.

That's exactly right. And if I can get you reeling in doubt and fear and insecurity, I've got you right where I want you. Now you're going to do what I need you to do because I'm right. You're going to follow my lead. I don't have doubt. I've installed it in you so that you will follow along. And I get to do that by causing you to question everything you thought you knew for sure. And if I can get you to roll over it. Oh, victory at last. So why do we do it? Well, it's because our ability to ask for and stand for what it is we need and desire was deemed unacceptable. So I'm going to invite you, dear listener, to travel back in time and remember that there was a time in all of our lives where we were really good at asking. We were really good at knowing exactly what it is we wanted, where we wanted to go, what we wanted to experience. And yes, some of it was because of my own naivety and not knowing the bigger principles and schemes and things of life. It was just more of a simplistic place of, I know I want this cookie. I know I want that toy. I know I want to go play with my friend. I know I want to take a nap. I know I want that juice that I love so much. Like it. It was a moment by moment by day process where I was simply rebelling against the things I didn't want and asking for the things that I desperately did. And I want you to see, it wasn't the asking for everything that you could possibly imagine yourself wanting that was the problem. It was actually the person that you were asking it from. The person that you were asking it from was also processing your ask. And if you're like many parents, it's like, man, I can't take my kid to the grocery store and not come away with like 37 and extra things in my cart because I want this and they want this and they want this and they want this and I grow weary and exhausted of it. Or I might start thinking, I feel terrible as a parent because I can't provide the things that my child is asking for again and again and again and again because of monetary reasons. Or I feel like as a parent I've provided and provided and provided and provided and it's just never been enough. And now I'm Starting to feel like I'm taken advantage of. And does my child understand the principles of gratitude, appreciation? Or are they just feeling like entitled little beasts that want more and more and more and more? And so we start to shut down the ask as parents for these reasons. Do you think money just grows on trees? Do you just think you get everything you want? You know, stop asking. No, I'm not taking you to the grocery store because the last time I did, you asked for everything or I've given you given, given, given. And now I feel like you just don't appreciate anything that I have. So stop asking. And we literally shut it down until the point where most of us as adults feel very guilty and shameful for really asking for what it is we want and laying that on the table. So you know what we did instead? Instead of teaching the principles that we were experiencing as parents. No. No blame, no shame. We've all done it to some measure. What we did instead was we taught our children to manipulate, to be subtle, to obligate, to drop an innuendo, to create justification for. Well, now I've done all this for you. You're telling me you're not going to give me this? I've done everything you've asked, so now you owe me. Like those are famous swings of manipulation. We are literally schooled in the art of manipulation as the ask. The ability to say, this is the deal, this is what I want, this is what would really help me, was removed off to the table. That was inappropriate and unacceptable behavior. So. So let's take the art of manipulation and if I could boil it down into a simple equation, you know what it would sound like? It would sound like this. You do what I say, you get what you want. Well, I just made a really bold statement, so let's make sure that it applies across the board and the culture and the society in which we live as human beings, shall we? Let's say I get a job. And if I do what the boss says, then what am I going to get out of it? Paid money. Yay.

Yeah. Woohoo.

And if I do what the teacher says as a student, what am I going to get out of it?

Good grades.

I'm going to be able to move up in society, get a diploma, advance. What about in obeying the laws of the land? If I do what they say, I'm going to get no jail time. Yeah, Freedom. No penalties, no fines. And what about in the conversation of love? What do I get out of doing what my lover says?

Happily ever after?

I get love. I get acceptance. You have my back. You'll overlook my flaws. You'll be there for me. You'll love me anyways. Isn't that what we all long for? Of course. So have any of us had the experience of truly disclosing what it is I want to such a degree that the person in a position of power that I want to please can dangle? And then as I dangle it and I conform and comply, there's one more thing that's added to the thing. Like, I'm thinking right now of my parents, my mom, specifically saying, okay, here's what I need for you to take the car on Saturday night. I need you to clean the bathrooms and take up the trash and mop the kitchen floor. And so I do all of those three things. And then at the very last minute, before she hands me the keys to the car, says, oh, and I need you to drop your sister off and pick up a few things at the grocery store. And I go, damn it. I feel like I've already checked the box and now you're stacking on it. And the reason why I bring this up is because this is why many of us have aversion to being vulnerable. Because of somebody knows what I really, really, really, really, really, really want take advantage. They're going to leverage the hell out of me for it. And so I don't want to tell them what I really want. I don't want to be vulnerable. I'm going to avoid that because I don't want them to take advantage of knowing what it is I want ultimate.

Full exposure because then they can keep moving the goalpost just like you said. And you're scared if I put all my eggs in the basket of telling them, then they're just going to keep making me do more and more for me to really get it.

And then I bet there are some listeners who just feel like they've grown weary of all of that and just give up on getting what it is they want anyway.

They'll just do it themselves.

Exactly, Exactly. I'll go get it myself, which is a good place to be because we have been stuck in and playing the game of manipulation. I also want to point out that in that equation, you do what I say, you get what you want. Which one is the power position to want something or to be in the position of, say, who has the power?

Well, I guess it depends.

Tell me more.

I think when you are wanting your partner to tell you what they want so bad and they won't tell you, then I guess the asker would be in the place of power, you know what I mean? Because you're the one who's holding all the information inside of you and your partner is begging you to tell them what you want and you're not telling them. I guess that could kind of be seen as a power imbalance because you can't really be vulnerable with someone who's not honest with you about their dreams and their desires. And for the person who's so closed off and not willing to go there because they're scared of saying what they want for all the reasons we just talked about, they kind of do hold all the power because there's really no exchange there. But I would say that most people would probably say that the person who is holding what they want is in power.

What'd you say? Who has the power? The sayer or the person who desires something desperately?

Initially, I would say the sayer, but I don't think that after what Brooke just shared, you know, I mean, I know it's a trick question anyway, you're trying.

I just think. Yeah, just what dad said, we would assume that that's who has the power. But when you really think about it, both people hold power.

They do. But we've jockey for the position of say. Yeah, very much so. I want to be the person who's giving the directive, the person. That's right. The person who has the answer, the person who knows the way, the person who makes the rules, the person who lays out the frameworks, the person who's ruddering at all. That's the power position. And even if somebody is unwilling to disclose what it is they want, do you understand that they slip into the same position because I'm going to rudder. Exactly. So me not sharing helps me get into the power position of say, calling the shots, the rules, how this is going to go down, how it's going to be governed. Because if I don't say, you can't move forward anyway. So I've just moved into the power position of say you need my information in order to move forward and so that I'm not going to give it to you. You need to know what it is I want or what I deserve or what I feel in order to move forward. So I'm not going to give it to you. I also can be in a position where this is where the color of narcissism comes into play. And by the way, we all have narcissistic tendencies. A narcissistic tendency is to call the shots, it's going to go my way. I'm done playing by what we tried, what it is you want to do. And this is why often in our conversations we'll say things like, oh, yeah, you're going to do that. You're going to cut me off from what it is I want? Well, then I'm not going to do this because I'm not going to give you this moves me into the power position, and that could be information telling you what it is I want or how I really feel. And somebody says, oh yeah, well, if you're going to do that, well, then I'm going to do this in an attempt to get into the power position. Because I recognize and realize that all of a sudden I don't have any power in wanting to move forward. So I have to threaten or leverage up the ante to move into the power position to try and push what it is I want to see happen. And on and on it goes until we've gotten ourselves into a position of what we call shit show. A microcosm of this is between two lovers, but a macrocosm of this would be between countries. I want you to give me that. No, you can't have that. Okay, well, if you don't give it to me, then I'm going to do this. Oh, yeah, well, if you do this, I'm going to do that. Oh, yeah, well, if you do that, then I'm going to do this. Oh, I tell you what, if you do that, don't make me push the button. I swear I'm going to push the ultimate nuclear button. And this thing's going to hell in a hand basket, okay? And we do that in our families, in the walls of our own homes as well. We'll continue to escalate and leverage everything we've got until we blow the thing sky high. In an effort and an attempt to secure that power position that at the heart of it is that crayon box of manipulation. And we do all kinds of things to do it. And guess what? We don't even have to use words because we can just like roll our eyes and scoff if that's is enough to create doubt in another human being. I've just moved into the power position so I could do all kinds of behavior that is outlandish. I could say all kinds of things that are outlandish, or I could say nothing at all. Both have the ability to move me into that power position of, say, would.

You say, in the private client work in our body of work. This awareness of manipulation is quite a breakthrough. Realizing that everybody has a part to play in this. And some, most often people don't realize that exactly.

Well. And sometimes it's really hard to look at it because it's like, wow, I have been engaged in the art of manipulation for so long, and I had no idea. So at this point in time in the conversation, I'm going to ask you to be exceptionally gentle with yourself. Because the reality is we were all taught to be master manipulators. The minute that we couldn't say what it is we needed to say or ask for what it is we really, truly desired and wanted was the minute we then became indoctrinated into the idea and the subtleties of manipulation to get our needs and wants met instead. And we become exceptionally masterful at it in the culture and the society with which we abide, it's how we function. Like, think about it for a moment. If I have something that's troubling me or something is not working for me, or something that I desperately long for, how reticent am I to go and simply ask for it and explore what's possible to gain it? Am I doing that? Probably not. If you're like the majority of us, you're probably thinking of some way that you can, like, set it up in your favor or obligate somebody or coerce somebody to actually fall into the conversation that you're wanting to have anyway so that you can take advantage of the situation, the conversation, or what it is you've done on the backside to push or leverage the situation to your favor. Because that's what we've been taught to do. That's what we know to do. Because long ago, the ability to just simply lay the ask on the table was unacceptable. So some things that I really want you to think about is the doubt. Because when you're instilling it in others or they are instilling it in you, you know that regardless of the color of manipulation that is being pulled out of the manipulative box, that is exactly what is happening. And to really drill this point home in a number of ways, to see how prevalent it is, to see how rehearsed it is as far as the behavior goes, and to acknowledge and be able to accept that we do it. I'll share with you a very personal story. Now, I'm a human being first, and the work that we do second. I spend tens of thousands of hours in this conversation of manipulation, teaching these principles and skills to incredible individuals and couples from around the world. In spite of that, when I received a phone call from my youngest son and he says the words, mom, I'm calling to let you know I'm going to join the military without any hesitation whatsoever. You want to know what my next words were? That is the craziest thing I've ever heard of. What the hell are you thinking? Don't you remember the story of your brother? And I went on like this. I must have been five minutes in before I was like, oh my gosh, I am manipulating the heck out of him. I am dismantling his idea. I'm discounting it. I'm doing everything I couldn't possibly think of to create a measure of doubt in his choice and in his decision.

Why?

Because I'm wanting to protect him. This is an unthinkable idea for me at the moment. Not that I don't value our military. I do. I have family members who have had the privilege and honor of serving at very high levels, brothers in laws, etc. So it's not that it was that. At this point in space and time in our history, and knowing my son like I do, it brought up a tremendous amount of concern.

Fear.

Fear. Absolute fear. And so I was trying to do everything I possibly could in a nanosecond, in spite of me understanding the principles and teaching the principle of manipulation in a nanosecond that took me three to five minutes to even see what it was I was doing. And then I said, I'm so sorry. I'm manipulating the hell out of you. I am trying to push an agenda and create a tremendous amount of doubt in you and I am so sorry. So please give me a few moments to reset here and regather. It's coming from a place of wanting to protect you. So let's reset. Why do you want to join the military? Help me understand. And you know what? He had some really great, well thought out reasons and strategies as to why this was a good place for him. He has the dream of being a diplomat someday and he needed to choose a military affiliation and knew that choosing something that would serve him, that he would thrive in, would be a really great next step. And I couldn't refute any of it. Now here's the interesting piece. Think about for a minute. What if I had been successful in manipulating him out of the choice and the decision that he had made? What have I really accomplished in the art of manipulation? Sure, I guess I could say I was right and that I knew better than he for his own life. But is that really true? Absolutely not. Do you think the next time that he has a great idea and making choices and decisions, he's going to call and share it with me?

You've probably made it so that you became a little bit less safe for him to tell you things. And he would take extra time the next time he thought of something that he wanted to run by you. And he would say, is it worth it to tell my mom? Or do I really want to go through the emotional experience of her trying.

To Change my mind 100%? And so what have I really accomplished in the than that?

More division, more separation.

Less connection, dismantling the emotional safety between the two of you.

And the audacity to think that I, as his parent, knows better than he about the governance and the next steps of his life, the likes of which only one person lives. And it won't be me, it will be him. And I think that I should be honored and no better than he about the next steps in his own life. And so you can start to see that in this place of manipulation, nobody really gets what they want. At the end of the day, he doesn't gain the respect and love and support and cheering on of his mom. And I lose my son in the process of the conversation. And so it is between lovers. This little thing plays out between lovers too, not just parent and child lovers who feel like they're bringing an idea or a possibility or something that they really need and want to the table. And it's shut down, it's dismissed, it's disregarded, it's criticized, it's minimized. And so what have we accomplished there? We can say, we're right, I got my way, but what, what cost?

Well, that's why we often hear and what we notice and observe is when this happens, you're going to have that box of what you share and talk about become very, very small.

And just like I said to mom too, your partner is going to do the mental inventory every single time they have something they want to tell you. And they're going to think, do I want to go through the rigmarole of having them try to change my mind or tell me I'm stupid or that my idea sucks, or would I just rather keep it to myself? If you feel like your relationship is quieter than it used to be, this is probably why. And it's not to make you feel bad or ashamed, it's to shine a light on it so that you can see it and change the behavior. Maybe you could go to your partner and say, oh, my God. I listened to this podcast episode, and it gave me a light bulb moment that made me realize that when you tell me things, instead of cheering you on, I shut them down. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's probably made you feel like you don't want to tell me things anymore. Is that true? And if so, I'm so bummed about that. Like, I had no idea I was doing that. And I'm so sorry. Can we talk about this? You can use these things immediately to turn things around. And how refreshing would it be for your partner to hear those words come out of your mouth, you know?

Oh, my gosh, absolutely. And that conversation I was describing with my son Xavier, I mean, I was so proud of the fact that he tried to tell me why it was because he could have gone, you know what, Mom? Forget about it. We're done. Well, let's talk about something else. It doesn't matter anymore. You know, we've all been in those conversations.

Yeah.

And I was so grateful that he was willing to step into the conversation, just as you described, Brooke, because what a get to was that. Let's talk about two other primary places that this shows up in very subtle ways. One is maybe I'm the person in my life and in my relationship that is constantly being blamed for all the things that are breaking down and going wrong. And I say, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Do you see that? That is a place of self doubt, where whatever is being told you are and whatever is being shared that you're doing, I just readily accept without exploring it for myself and going, is that true? No, wait a minute. Timeout here. Let me just check that out for myself. Because there's nobody who knows what I am doing every second of every day more than me. I'm doing it. And yet I have somebody telling me, you're doing this. You're saying, this, this is a problem. You got to stop doing that. You got to start doing this. And I never think to go, wait a minute, is that true? I live my life every moment of every day. Can I relate to what it is that's being said? Or am I just readily rolling over and saying, oh, my God, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault. Do you see that that is a form of doubt that is being installed in you, which then becomes a form of manipulation, and that there is no amount of apologizing and taking responsibility for every little teeny, tiny thing that goes on in your life and in Your relationship across the board that could potentially and possibly even be remotely close to being all your fault. Especially when I share the next principle, which is everybody has a role to play. And what we find in these conversations is somebody is hiding behind somebody who is willing to take the blame for everything. That is a form of manipulation. If I can get you to buy into the idea that this is all your fault, from the doubt causing you to doubt your own experience and your own sense of self, I have you by throat. I will make the shots, and I'll do whatever the hell I want. And you will continue to tell me how sorry you are, which then just solidifies all the things and all the ways that I'm making up. I am right, and you were wrong. That's a big one. That happens a lot in relationships. Let's say Tom and I are in an ice cream parlor, and the couple next to us starts to get a little loud. And I turn to Tom and I say, you want to go, honey? And Tom says, you know what? No, actually, I. I'm really good right here. I'm having a great time. Love this ice cream. Me, not so much. Okay, so if he's in the middle of a hot double fudge chocolate of some sort, of, like, he is blessed out, and I'm going, hey, hey, honey, you want to go? I'm approaching this as though I'm trying to do the good of the whole. Let me save you from this terrible couple over here that's being loud and obtuse. Let you and me, let's go home and have a nice little quiet evening together. I don't say that. I just say, you want to go. And when he says, no, actually, I'm having a great time. Let me just enjoy my chocolate now. What's happening inside of me? I'm frustrated. I might even be a little resentful. Pissed off because I didn't get what I wanted and I was trying to do it for the benefit of the good.

Yeah, but only you know the whole story.

I know, right? Isn't that so funny? But I'm trying to make it look like you want to go, too, and I'm not going to say a thing, so I'll start creating doubt. Are you sure you don't want to go? I mean, like, it's kind of cold in here. Are you sure you don't want to go because the ice cream doesn't really taste all that great, or are you sure you don't mean. Are you sure you don't want to go? Aren't your toes cold? Aren't you feeling the breeze from the. I mean, I'm like, creating now all these things that I could possibly think of that cause you to question. You sure you don't want to go? That's installing doubt instead of just saying, you know what? I'm ready to leave. Are you? Which would be the unmanipulative way to approach that conversation. But think about all the ways we do that, too. Hey, you want to do this. When really, what I'm saying is, I want to do that. You want to do it with me. But we won't go there because of that ask that has been taken off the table.

And so the unbelievable resistance to truly share what it is we're wanting. It's because it was so often negated when we were younger. It was more or less beaten out of us. I'm implying physical. But it was shut down so frequently and so many times repetitively. It's so hard for us to reestablish that habit and that behavior. We have people all the time that we work with. They will literally say to us, honestly and very authentically, can I really say that? And we're not advocating them using curse words or anything. It's a very simple, clear ask. And they're like. I mean, literally, they're dumbfounded. I think, well, sure, give it a try.

Lay it down like that. Yes, please do, please.

So it just shows you how foreign it is for all of us.

Because the norm, the status quo, is to just silently be resentful of your partner for not knowing what you want in your brain. And exactly. It does not mean that your partner doesn't love you because they're not a mind reader. It means that they're just a human and they are looking at a situation in a completely different way than you are. And they can't guess what you're wanting. That. That's all it means. It doesn't mean you have a bad relationship. It doesn't mean that you need to get a divorce. It just means that you need to talk about it. You have to ask for what you want with your words and your voice. You can't just put it out there through your thoughts and hope that they pick up on it.

Or if they really loved you, they.

Would know that's what I was trying to get across. Like, that doesn't exist.

I mean, they might even say, oh, my gosh, of course, I had no idea. Yeah, because I didn't have the intel. Just ask. It's much more rapid and it's much more clear. And then we don't have to guess, just ask. I mean, obviously there's more effective ways to ask. Please don't misunderstand that part. But it really is that simple.

Well, here's the thing. We like to live life by, like, sending smoke signals or receiving smoke signals or reading smoke signals with which the interpretation could be, oh, my gosh, grossly misinterpreted me saying, hey, you want to go? That's a smoke signal. And then continuing to stack on that. Are you sure you don't want to go? You know, that that's sending a smoke signal, hoping that somebody else will pick up on what it is I want to do. And we send and receive those smoke signals all the time. Some things we're interpreting that weren't even ever sent as a smoke signal. We're just thinking there was a smoke signal sent. And the reality was there never was one. And now, gosh, can you start to just wrap your mind around why it is so few of us are satisfied in our relationships overall? How in the world could we be if we're not really asking for or laying down what it is we really need? And we're using this game of manipulation instead. Like, there's no specifics, there's no true facing the issue, laying what it is we want to say and what we need on the table, we won't do it. We'll do all this misinterpretation instead. And the irony is that we as human beings are literally like little combinations. There are very specific things that light us up, that make our hearts sing, and that, quite frankly, bring us to orgasm or delight or pleasure. And it literally is specific, like three to the left, two to the right, and one all the way around. And click, we open, we go, oh, that's it. Oh, my gosh, that's incredible. But we will never get specific and understanding ourselves enough to such a degree that we could communicate that to a lover. And if we can't do it, well, there's nobody else is going to be able to do it because nobody else is going to know what that combination for you is. And now you start to understand why we are so dissatisfied. And so often, more than not, don't accept or step into the good stuff that relationships bring into our lives. We are dancing around it instead, living through the osmosis of manipulation, hoping and praying and wishing that somebody will just get a clue. They're spiraling in some kind of a form of pressure to be right. And everybody is really at the end of the day, just trying to get their needs met. And we're creating a tremendous amount of suffering in an attempt to get there. So I invite you right now to think of the times that maybe you've used manipulation, which is the installation of doubt, intentionally or not, in your relationship. Because once we start pointing this game of manipulation out, you're going to start to see it everywhere, because it is our most common form of behavior in an attempt to get my needs met. But it's really a. Sorry, sorry, second best. And the likelihood of you actually getting your needs and desires met through the game of manipulation usually drives the more manipulation, more smoke signaling, and more suffering as a result of it. Okay. It's an important thing to see. And it's. Again, our goal is not perfection here. Our goal is to just simply be aware of it and start realizing I can do other things. I can learn where I end and you begin. For example, what's me and what's not you, which helps us to establish and understand the boundaries that exist between us emotionally. I can start doing a better job of considering my own thoughts and feelings and what it is I truly want. And my ability to get what it is I want. Absolutely. Just went up exponentially. And I can learn how to plant my flag. That regardless of what you telling me I am or I did or I didn't do, or how I think or how I feel, I can go, hold on a minute, Let me just run that through the experiences that I've lived every moment of every single day and decide what is true for me. I get to make the call because I'm the only one that's living my life. I get to determine and deduce what it is I am, what I think, what I feel and where it is I need to go. And nobody is more equipped to do that than me. That is a version of the planting your flag. And then I can also get better at asking, literally, specifically asking for what it is I need and what it is I desire. Instead of doing all the other wonderful varieties of colors on our manipulative crayon box, I can just cut to the chase and say, you know what I'd really like to ask you for? You know what it really make my heart sing right now. You know what I'd really like to experience with you? This.

Yeah. The ability for us to advocate for ourselves is something that most of us, quite frankly, we've never spent any time even considering. Like, I have no idea even what that sounds like feels like what looks like yeah, but it's a very powerful skill and behavior because when you get really good at this, then you'll have less moments of manipulation and more moments of clarity and connection and ability to establish maybe for the first time or first time, long time permission and emotional safety in your relationship. It's a game changer. It really is.

Totally agree. It's like, do we want to take the long way around and all the back roads to get where it is we want to go to get our needs met, or do we just want to cut to the chase and lay the card on the table? And yes, there's a little bit of vulnerability and risk there, but you're going to find that vulnerability is a superpower. And especially if I will honor it and protect it and advocate for it, like I can feel the way I feel or think the way that I think. And as long as I don't allow somebody to cause me to question what it is I know to be true within myself, I'm solid. And that is how we need to like stay out of manipulation. Somebody can try, but I'm saying, hey, hold on a minute, let me just process that through my own experience. And here's where I stand. Here's what I know to be true, and here's what I'd like to get from you, or here's what I'd like to understand about you, or here's what I'd like to create with you. Are you in or are you out? And wouldn't you like to know? I mean, so many of our clients say, why don't they just tell me? I just want to know. Just tell me the truth. Well, it's because of the game of manipulation. I don't feel like I can really do that. So I will elude the truth. I will spin it in all kinds of places and spaces because I don't have the courage and the personal power to lay the card on the table.

Yeah, I was going to say it does require courage. It's going to bring up fear because probably not totally realistic to think we're going to be able to just step into this new kind of behavior without some practice to replace what it is we've always done for quite some time. Just like any habit, it. Right. So we're going to have a lot of. Oh my gosh, I didn't realize there have been some places where I could have done better here. But can I really say that? Yes, you can now obviously say it in a way from a place of a true ask, a true ask. Doesn't mean that you're demanding that you get it. A true ask is simply sharing what it is you'd like to have happen or hear or whatever. Like Stacy gave some examples, so much of it, it's not the result. It's simply the ability to ask is going to handle a great percentage of the places that we're struggling.

I hope the takeaway from this episode is I just want to make you aware of manipulation and the role in which it plays in our relationships. Because it's big. And that in and of itself is a huge step forward. Like, just be aware of it and then you're going to start to see it everywhere and realize that manipulation is a common and learned behavior by all of us. It is pervasive in our society and in our culture and is literally how we've been taught to engage with the world in which we live. It's big. Recognizing it empowers us to make choices. And getting our needs met and our relationships is what I'm encouraging you then to do. Like, you can ask for these things that you want and that you need. You don't have to maneuver and play this game of manipulation in order to go there. As long as you're willing to just simply ask for what it is you need and allow the person you're asking it of to choose in and choose out. No means I have some challenges with what you're asking me to do. And we want to be able to say no. No just gives us the opportunity to reevaluate and consider things that maybe we hadn't considered before. It's not a bad word. It's a good word. Because we're going to finally get to the heart of the matter. If it's no, tell me it's no. So that then we can explore what else is possible that you can feel good or work with. And that's why I always say the solutions to the challenges that we face in our relationship are often unfounded or unavailable to us. Because we're not willing to have the honest conversations to discover them, we tend to live and pretend an illusion instead. And I also want to just say it's not about being perfect. It's about developing an awareness and a willingness to improve the way you get your needs met. I don't have to force or coerce anybody into doing what it is I want because it's never going to really, truly give me what it is I want. I'm going to sacrifice a lot and the price is exceptionally high in order to play that game, just like I shared with you in my conversation with Xavier, what I want is for somebody who is truly willing to step in and co create with me in these places and spaces. And if you can't do that, then what else can we do? Because there's lots of options there that go unexplored. But as long as I'm coercing or forcing. There's a wonderful quote we heard recently. Help me remember it.

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

Yeah, that's what it is. Like, I didn't change their opinion. They still feel the same. I just force the issue and they still feel the same way. Which ironically is going to create the resentment that we often experience in our lives.

Well, and not only do they still feel the same way, they probably still feel it stronger. They're probably even stronger in that will.

So there's been no change. And like, like Brooke said, she probably actually have emboldened his or her position.

Yep.

Rather than, you know, brought him over to your side.

And, and so it is, I think what you said, Brooke, was incredibly well said that it does build up the resentment. And I feel more impassioned about it even more because you won't hear where I'm coming from, but okay, I'll go ahead and do this. But it did change, you know, the way I feel about it.

And I know I keep talking about politics and people probably are annoyed with me, but I'm just going to say I'm a staunch Democrat. And I think that we did that a lot in this election by trying to pull Republicans over to our side, by trying to convince them against their will what was right. And I think it had the opposite effect. I think it was we were trying to manipulate, not to prove a point or gain power or anything like that. It was to try to save them. That's really how I was thinking about it. I was trying to bring them over to what I thought was right. So yeah, looking back, it is manipulation, but it's a perfect example that you're doing it with the best intentions and it totally backfired. Not to everybody. I think that messaging did help some people see some things that we were wanting them to see. But I think for a lot of people, it just made them feel like the Democrats were trying to have some moral superiority. And that totally clouded the message that we were trying to get across.

It's taking me back to the example that I use when if we're sitting in an ice cream parlor and. And Dad's Enjoying his wonderful cup of chocolate ice cream. And I say, you want to go? I'm manipulating through the guise of being the good guy, the superior one, and saying, come on, this is the right way. We all know it. And it's just saying what it is I needed to say.

Or. Or just yet everyone believes that they're making the right choice, and so that messaging just doesn't work. And I hope that the Democrats can remember that next election, because four years is a long way away. But we can't do that again because it just doesn't work. I think it makes people more staunch in their beliefs and more defensive. Rather than bringing us together and being able to have a conversation, it just drives us further apart, you know?

Well, because we're instilling a doubt in the way they think and feel, like somebody's being marginalized. Remember, at the heart of all manipulation, please, please, please remember that. And start the installation of doubt about how you think, how you feel, what you did, what you didn't do, what you wore, how you believe, how you didn't believe. Like, I can swing this any direction. And so the subtleties of manipulation absolutely create these places in our lives where it divides us more than it helps us remember the commonalities of what we have in common. And there are so many different places and spaces that we can experience together outside of manipulation. But manipulation would cause us to believe in the art of the doubt, that I only have two options. It's this or it's that. No. Heck no. I got a thousand more other options. Let's explore them. And that's where we find the solutions in our lives that we need the most by having the conversations from a place of a sincere ask outside of the game of manipulation, including reading the smoke signals. So, listener, I invite you to ask your questions and share your stories of manipulation. The more we can see it playing out and the subtleties that it does in our homes and in our lives, the better we can get at this. It's not about being guilty or shameful for doing it. It's about seeing it and catching it so that we can make a choice to do something different. And if we can't catch it and observe it and have an awareness about it, well, then it leaves us very powerless, doesn't it?

Yeah. First step of change is the observation of where perhaps you're not stepping up and showing up as the best version of yourself. That's the first point of change. And that can be difficult for all of us, especially this one, because, oh, gosh I'm not even gonna listen to this episode. Tom, Stacy, Brooke, because I'm not a manipulator. We'll say like, you know what? With great love and respect, yes, you are, because I am and Stacy is and so is Brooke. We all are, because we're human. So we did. None of us gets the hall pass. So take a big gulp, give yourself some grace. But use it as a place of breakthrough awareness perhaps.

Oh, my gosh.

I've never heard it explained this way. Right, yeah, most of us haven't. We're not trying to weaponize this. This is a place of hopeful.

Oh, my gosh.

That's was good news. Good news. It really is.

Speaking of good news, we have an exciting event coming up. Stay tuned for five days of Black Friday deals. Starting the Monday of Thanksgiving week, November 25th, we'll be offering special access to our most popular resources and tools to help you build a stronger, more resilient relationship. Don't miss out on this. And to our special podcast listeners, like you are dear to our heart, so there'll be special things for you too. Check it out. Let's step into the Follow the Fun. I mean, after this conversation today, our Follow the fun is just an invitation for you to become aware and own when you yourself are manipulating in your life by simply calling it out. I'm manipulating you. There's no harm or found in that. There's no guilt or shame. Just call it like you see it. It's very life giving and, you know, dare I say fun. Like it's. It's fun and in a way that it's like, oh my gosh, I'm doing that right now. There's something very lightning about it.

Should take the. Take the heaviness out of it.

It's freeing.

I was. I was trying to say it's more light, but lightning didn't really kind of get it across. So have some fun with it and then step back and ask for what it is you would like instead. Or what I'd really like to say is this. Hey, you know what? I'm manipulating the heck out of you right now. And what I'd like to say instead is this. Or what I'd like to ask you for is this. Or what I'd like to reset in here is not me trying to manipulate you about this, but genuinely share with me what it is you are experiencing and wanting from me. And those are beautiful times and places and spaces. It can be the difference between driving a wedge between us and creating a lack of safety that disconnects us or going the other direction and creating more safety in a place where we can truly say and share what it is we want to share and say with each other, which then leads us to uncovering these incredible places that we couldn't uncover otherwise. It's beautiful. Every week, of course, we have a song. Today's song I have chosen Christina Aguilera's Obvious. I love the title. That's what led me to the song. But she also says, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm feeling like a little girl all caught up in the emotions and I'm out of control. Which is exactly what we do when we're in the throes of manipulation. Right? You're out of control, I'm out of control. So we try and leverage each other and back and forth and back and forth it goes. Isn't it obvious that we're in the game of manipulation? So you can check out this song on our Spotify channel by searching up Love Shack Live playlist or you can visit our website. We have it listed there as well. It's a beautiful song. Christina Aguilera has a beautiful voice. And isn't it obvious when we're in the game of manipulation?

Hopefully now it's more obvious.

Now that we've had this conversation, it will be exceptionally obvious when it's playing out. Enjoy. We send you off with a tremendous amount of love and hope that this episode empowers you to make different choices to create more of the things that you want, need and desire in your life. We know it will. And thank you so much for spending some of your time here with us today. It's truly a pleasure to be with you. And again, if you have any questions or shares about this topic, I know it's a big one. It's very pervasive in our lives and in our relationship. Thank you so much for being here and spending some of your time with us in the Love shack. It's truly a pleasure to share these conversations and ideas with you again. If you have any questions or thoughts that you want to share with us, send them our way. We'd love to hear from our listeners and we look forward to being back here with you next time. Bye bye for now. All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack.

But before we part ways, we want.

You to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools. Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.