#205: Holiday Chaos? Here’s How to Protect Your Peace (and Your Relationship)

Holidays, the time of year that's told to be filled with warmth, love and connection. But for so many of us, it's a season laced with stress, difficulty, family drama, and conversations that leave us feeling more drained than uplifted. Maybe you're dreading that family dinner, knowing the cracks in your current relationship will feel like they're under a microscope. Or perhaps it's the polarity within the political debates that can be a turn for the worst in a festive gathering. And it turns it completely into a battleground. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone standing at a relationship crossroads. If you're facing daily conflicts, feeling the weight of an emotional gap growing between you and your partner, or simply yearning to rebuild a connection that feels authentic and lasting, you've come to the right place. I'm Stacy Bartley, your relationship mentor. Here alongside of me is my co host and lover, Tom and her daughter Brooke. Together we bring decades of experience helping people navigate the messy and beauty of relationships. Because, let's be real, they're never perfect. Today, we're bringing up one of the biggest challenges of this festive season. How do you find peace and joy and avoid escalating the drama during the holidays? How do you honor yourself and others while you step through those family moments that feel like emotional landmines? It's time for some real working tools and strategies to navigate family gatherings with grace, even when tensions may become a little bit high. In this episode, we're going to share skills for managing your own triggers as well as the ability to redirect conversations that punch you right in the gut. We're here to help you make this holiday season a little lighter and a lot less messy. Hey, thank you for coming.

Welcome to the Love Shack.

So let's talk about maybe for some of our listeners who don't experience anything but joy for the holidays, understand why for some, it can feel so hard. And then there's a whole another group of beautiful humans who have had fabulous holidays. But this year in particular, they have some conversations brewing in their own relationships and lives that they're not quite sure how to navigate. So the holidays do amplify family tensions. And spoiler alert, it's not just about you. The season often combines high expectations, emotional memories, and it brings up long standing family patterns. It's really about contrast. And so you might say, well, Thomas, Stacy, I'm really a new listener. I'm not really familiar with what you mean when you talk about contrast. Contrast is that little thing that takes where we are and when we are put into old situations and conversations. It highlights the change and the difference as I've maybe grown up, for example, as an adult, but I go home and I'm still treated like the kid I once was. That's contrast or things have changed so much in my life. I've transformed so much over the last year that now when I go home, I recognize how different I am from my family or I'm sitting there at the table, and I recognize the contrast between my partner and I and how we see the world and engage with our families now. Like, these are all places and spaces of contrast. I can even notice myself in contrast, where I don't feel or think the way I once did. A lot has changed for me, and sometimes that can be very unsettling, not just for ourselves personally, but it can also be very unsettling when we put together groups, families, people who know us really well, and it makes us uncomfortable because things have changed and that makes us nervous.

Okay, would you say that a close family gathering oftentimes like Thanksgiving here in the United States, if we say Thanksgiving is a pretty big one, that's why.

You'Re going to see it, especially because of the recent election. So not only if you're listening to this podcast, not only is maybe your relationship suffering, but also the election has created a lot of division between married couples fit whole families. So I would say that right now the contrast is off the charts. Like, if you're ever going to experience contrasts in the United States right now, you've never seen it clearer than you can right now.

You know, what about being in the unknown? You know, we speak a lot about being in a place of limbo or a place in space of separation. So it even brings up contrast in regards to, like, how do we navigate this particular year? Like, do we just do our same old traditions, or do we switch it up and are we going to do it together or separate? You know, you're going to do your thing, I'm going to do my thing. And those can be very difficult places and spaces to navigate in the contrast. We don't really know how to have those conversations or how to bring it up. All we know is we want it to go well. We talk about all the fears and insecurities that come up around this time, not necessarily what it is we want, which is it to go well.

I know we've said this or you say this often for the relationships and those that are closest to us, there's the highest amount of risk. Oftentimes we are gathering with those that are biologically, I guess, to be, you.

Know, not that that.

But there's a lot of emotional risk there for us if something is not as. As we've always perceived it to be.

And it's like you kind of have to make the choice. Do we want to share the news of what's happening in our relationship with our family or do we just want to pretend like everything is kosher and we'll deal with that at another time? So there's a lot of decisions that are being made and maybe you're not even talking about this with your partner, you're just wondering about it yourself. There's all these choices that you have to make before you even get to the frickin day of Thanksgiving. Once you get there, you're like, am I just going to put my mask on and act like everything's fine? Are we going to tell the truth? It's a lot to think about and it's a lot to execute the day of.

Well, and then let's layer on the high expectations and pressure for everything to be perfect and go well. You know, from the songs that start playing about this being the most wonderful time of the year, you know, it creates this place within us that, you know, I have to make this perfect, I have to be happy, I have to be joyous. But I'm not. I'm in maybe the most challenging chapter of my life. And so how do I rectify these high expectations? And if you go home, maybe you have a parent that loves Christmas and they just want everybody to be happy and joyful but you're not feeling it. You're an anxious hot mess. They're trying to enroll you in the idea of just being happy and you're not quite sure how to navigate that. This expectation can bring up so much anxiety that you have a meltdown. And the party hasn't even happened yet, we're not even sitting at the table yet. I'm just waking up in the middle of the night in a hot flash and a panic attack. So it's real. It's very real. And then family patterns are old roles. I can tell you right now that I love my family dearly. But when I go home for the holidays and so spite of being a 60 year old woman, I am treated like I am the baby sister who knows nothing. And I just have to accept that because that's my old role in my family and I will always be the baby because everybody is, you know, almost 10 years older and older. So I'm always The one that's looked at as the cute little naive one that's wet behind the ears and I can't gain enough wisdom in order to offset that. So at some point in time you just have to kind of accept, accept that. But in that contrasted experience, right, if by chance I was looking for some kind of validation or recognition from my siblings, you could see that that could be a lot to take on, that I might find myself battling with. Damn it, give me a little credit, damn it. You know, please see what I'm doing. Damn it. You know, I, I know at least a thing or two, right? Give me a little credit. And thankfully I've made peace with that and I don't feel the need to go there anymore. But I'll. Family patterns are absolutely a part of the deal.

Half of the country is very excited about these election results and half of the country is devastated. A lot of those peoples are in the same families. And a lot of people have chosen not to go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving this year because they simply don't want to deal with the repercussions or having these hard conversations or knowing that they're just going to be met with a person saying that their beliefs are wrong or gloating or all the things that happen. And kind of like the example you just shared, mom too, of not of giving up on pushing back, that you're, you're not a baby anymore. Like, I think that's something that everyone needs to think about, especially this year is choosing your battles. Like you have to decide going into the day, you know, or week or however long you're staying with your family if you choose to do so. Is this conversation really going to go anywhere? You know, is this hill that I'm wanting to die on, is it going to make any difference in moving my family members beliefs to come more to my side or vice versa? Most of the time the answers are no, and most of the time the answer is that that isn't the best place for that conversation to be occurring on Thanksgiving Day. You know, maybe it could be a private text conversation or a conversation between the two of you @ a coffee shop, but maybe not when you're passing the turkey across the table. And I think we get into these heated arguments because we've had some glasses of wine or our inhibitions are lowered and we're feeling emotional and supercharged because of all these emotions that have been swirling around and we don't see these people very often. So we're like, we gotta get the punches in while we can, but that's kind of what we did for the last year of trying to get each other to each other's sides, and all it did was cause more division. And so maybe the Thanksgiving holiday is not the best time to try to convince your family member of why you voted for Kamala Harris. It's not. Not gonna be successful, you know. Yeah. Or Trump.

And some of these are happening within partnerships.

Couples. Yes.

Own home. Right. And. And so how do we take that home for the holidays, knowing if we're going to your family, that they're politically slanted, one side versus another. And how do I find a place within myself to sit down at the table and feel comfortable and supported? The other thing that the holidays do is they bring up a lot of emotional vulnerability. Like, there's so many unresolved issues in family dynamics that when we see somebody and then they say that same old word or treat me in that same old, same old way, or have that same old look on their face, it becomes a huge, what we call trigger, or if we wanted to put it into the physical, huge punch in the gut. No words have maybe even been exchanged. It's just the look, you know, the eyebrow goes up and I'm like, there they go again. It's these pieces of unresolved emotional vulnerability that we carry within us, and we don't know when to say it or say what we've wanted to say for a really long time or how to put it in a context that is okay. Like you said, Brooke will have a few glasses of wine or a good highball, and the next thing you know, I'm just going to say it now, what the hell? And that's again, not the time to do that. I had a stepfather Stan that I've mentioned several times on the podcast. And I would say, going home for the holidays or birthdays or anytime the family was gathering, he would be the person in my life that would bring up that feeling in me, like, oh, going home. I'm gonna have to dealt with Stan. It was always, I'm gonna have to deal with Stan. And we had only spent a year living together when I was a teenager. But even through my adult life, as I'd married and started my family and those kinds of things, I would go home. My mom wanted Stan and I to be just the most wonderful stepdaughter stepfather relationship. And so I'd get two feet into the house and she'd say, make sure you go and give a hug, a hug to Stan and kiss him on the Cheek. Let him know you're here. He just loves you. And I'm thinking to myself, he doesn't love me any more than I love him. But my mom is wanting to create this wonderful connection between us. And so the minute she would say what was really sweet and intent, go give him a hug and tell him that you love him and he loves you. Don't let his reply or the way he treats you, tell the truth. Just know that he loves you because I said so. And I think, oh, gosh. Okay. No, no, no, no, no. And so I would. I. For many years, I would walk in and we would go through this whole little ritual where I'd say, hi, Stan. It's really great to see you. And he'd say something along the lines of, you know, what brought you here today? It's Thanksgiving and it's Christmas, and I'm here to have a good time. Well, great. I hope one of us can. It was things like that where you would just think, why do I keep taking the bait? Why do I keep stepping into this?

Because you loved your mom.

You know, Because I love my mom. And so then there was a year that I went, okay, what is the truth here? For me, the truth is, I'm here because I love my mom. Exactly what you said, babe. And so when I went into giving that kiss and a hug, I didn't. I said, you know what? I'm here because we have a common person that we love, and that's my mom. I don't think you like me any more than I like you. And I'm good with that. I'm really good with that. We don't need to pretend anymore. But here's my sincere ask, is that we make this good for her and the rest of the people present here today. Because you know what? This isn't about you and I banging heads anymore. I'm done with it. I'm good. You don't need to be my dad, and I won't be your daughter, and let's just call a truce. And from that day forward, when we would get to a place where he would say something like that to me, like, oh, geez, how come you're here? You know what? Blew you in. Don't you think what you're wearing is a little extravagant? I could look him dead in the eye and say, let's keep the gloves up today. Remember, it's not about you and me. Because we'd had the conversation, and I had to let go of the idea that it was going to ever be anything different than what it was. And I wasn't going to, as Brookie already said, die on that hill. Not going to do it. It's not worth it, like to the accomplishment of what I say and do a bunch of things that I don't feel good about and then I leave the party. It didn't help me. It didn't improve or move my life forward or my family or change him or the situation or the dynamic. It just made me feel terrible about me. So this is where we start stepping into, okay, what do we do when we're facing these things? And it starts on the planning. And the planning is not just about the food and the decorations. The planning is accepting what we know to be true about where we're going and who's going to be present there. Know and honor where you and and others begin and what is yours and what is not. Meaning I can't control in my particular situation, I couldn't control Stan, but I could certainly have the utmost control over me and how I was going to show up and what my intentions for the day were to be with my family, my mother, and to make this as good of a situation as possible. I was not responsible for somebody else reacting or saying something terrible or saying something hurtful or rude or unkind or bringing up the past. I was just responsible for me. It wasn't my fault that somebody didn't have the best Thanksgiving or Christmas ever. That is knowing and honoring where I end and others begin.

And would you say that that required a certain amount of emotional push ups to do that?

Percent so we're going to talk about that. I want to start by, in your planning, what would a win be for you? Knowing what you know and accepting all the players and allowing them to be exactly where they are without thinking you're gonna or solve problems or work through your childhood trauma or you know, solve your relationship issues with your partner or get your kids to pick sides between you and your partner. Like what's realistic here to where we can all be respected and have a good time.

When you said, what would a win be, it's not your dream, it's not the dream win, it's what is realistically probably going to happen. What would be the best version of that?

Yeah, I know. Well said, Ricky. You know, Stacy says this often. I mean, at some point you have to have the ability and the emotional regulation and maturation process to truly call things as they are rather than putting your best set of gloves on and duking it out. As Stacy often Say Stacy's the formulator of pretty much everything that we talk about here, so. But when one person pays, we gotta remember everybody pays. There are no winners there. How could we make this, like Brooke said, the best situation for what's truly at play? Not the Hallmark version. Hallmark comes up big time here in the United States during Thanksgiving, like Hallmark season. From Thanksgiving all the way through, I've got a brother that loves Hallmark movies.

But the thing is, when you don't consider what's actually available to you in your current circumstances and you are always mourning the loss of your Hallmark Thanksgiving, that does two things. Number one, it makes you feel terrible and sad because you're comparing what you have to what you want and they're not the same. And number two, makes you feel like you never have a win because the thing that you're reaching for is not possible. So it just makes you feel like a failure when that's not true, you're just not looking at what's really available to you.

Well said.

Exactly. Allowing what is taking place this year in your life, knowing what you know, is literally stepping into the peace and the joy and it can resolve so much conflict internally. Don't buy into it has to be perfect. Don't buy into the idea that it has to go a certain way. Don't buy into the belief and the illusion that this is the moment I'm going to go home and get everything I want. If I can just control this and control this and get so and so to do this and say this and show up like that. It's the expectations that create so much personal suffering. And we do it to ourselves. And instead I'm inviting you to look at and allow what is the truth, what has been the truth for the last year? 2, 5, 10, 30, 50. If I go back to Stan as the analogy, he was such a great teacher to me to stop trying to get him to show up differently and accept and allow what he is and meet him there and then decide how. I personally am going to dance with that. It is a game changer. It is absolutely a game changer because we cannot refute the truth. There's a place of manipulation that we continue to step into here. If we buy into people structuring it the way they did. I believe truly Stan wanted to let me know he loved my mom, but he didn't want to have to deal with me. And that was evident from day one, all the way through to the. The day he left the planet. You know, I was an inconvenience. To him that he didn't want. Want to deal with. I can wrap my head around that now as an adult, I get falling in love with somebody but not wanting to deal with other family and kids and on all that comes with that. My mom had five, he had five, had 10 together. I get it. And I was boisterous and. And I would challenge him, but the minute that I could call the truth what it was. Look, the only reason why you and I are here together under the same roof, because outside of the context of this, this would never be. You wouldn't like me. I wouldn't seek you out in the population of humans, nor would you me. But what draws us together under this roof is a mom and a woman that we both love. So let's find a commonality there and let the rest of what it is we think this has to be go, because it's not the reality of what is.

I also just want to point out that in the truths that Stacy made with Stan, it did not mean that she also was approving of his behavior. She still didn't approve of the way that he was treating her. She didn't like it. She still disapproved of all of that. She just decided that it was useless to try to change him. It was useless to try to get him to come to believe the way that she believed. We're not always saying that that's useless. There's a lot of times where you can get someone to come to your side of the table. There's a lot of times where you can change minds and make things better. And all of those things, in this one situation, it wasn't possible. But by her saying, let's have a truce, it is not her acquiescing and saying, stan is great, wonderful. I'm so happy that he was verbally abusive to me. No, she just stopped playing the game so that she could get through these big family holidays peacefully and stop having so much of her being dismantled by his behavior. But I just want people to know it's not that we're saying you need to become a doormat and just let them do whatever they want to you. It's totally different.

Well, at the end of the day, all of us only have agency over ourself anyway. But especially in these heightened situations of which here in the US we're stepping into. Let's just be honest, for many of us don't have Hallmark vibrations when these times of the year come up. Many of us have, like, oh, my God, omg. Like, how am I going to navigate this. So the best way you can navigate it is to truly have agency over yourself. That's not acquiescing, but it's how do I want to navigate this. So doesn't, you know, just bring me to my knees as well as have a lot of added negative impact to what's already negative anyway, that there's really no win there.

That's what we're saying now. If Stan was my partner, this would be a completely different conversation.

Yes. Good distinction.

Okay. So I want you to see that each relationship has its own layers of nuance that we need to kind of dive deeper into. Don't worry, we'll get there. Right now I'm just starting at the highest level. We're going home for the holidays. There might be some siblings, there might be some parents, there might be some grandparents or uncles and aunts that we're really not all that excited about. In laws. Yes. So what would a win be? Acknowledging what is, what is the truth. Think about that for a minute and then we can start stepping deeper into the planning. The first thing I'm going to invite you to do is manage your time. If you're going home to somebody that plugs you in in 2.3 seconds, well, then maybe it's a really good idea to just go home for dessert. You know, maybe I make some other plans with our family and then we'll go and yes, have a wonderful conversation and have dessert. Only if you know that you're white knuckling it. You know, time the turkey even hits the table. Well, then we probably need to think of some better strategies.

Have the pie and the whipped cream on the plate and then I'll be coming.

If you notice that things start to fall apart when we're two or three hours in, then tell the truth about that and come up with some creative ideas to dance with that we're coming for dinner and unfortunately then we'll need to leave. So manage your time and think about that on the front side and don't be afraid to excuse yourself. The second thing I'm going to invite you to do is try new traditions. Sometimes we get so stuck in our own mindsets of this is how it has to be, this is how it has to go. It's not done this or we've done this for 150 years in my family. Well, that's awesome. And there are some things that you can still do to acknowledge those traditions, but I also want to give you permission to pick and choose the parts and places where maybe you want to add or try something new, which might coincide with time in that I'm just coming home for dessert or I'm going to stay for the main course and then I've got somewhere else to be. Or you know what? Maybe this is a year that we're in a place of separation and we're going to get everybody together for dessert, but then we're going to do our own thing for the dinner, the main course, or just the opposite, we're going to do our own thing for dessert and get together for the main course and the main experience. And so we can carry on some of those traditions that are really important to us, but we can also let go of some of those that aren't and add some new ones in there to accommodate where we are and. And telling the truth today, this year, right now, it's when we try and pretend like we're in the same place, but no, we're in a different place, but try and make it look like it's the same place that we create a lot of internal turmoil.

Obviously, just for even an added distinction and clarity, this is not in the physical sense. This is in the emotional sense.

Right.

Could he both?

Could be both. But I mean, I'm thinking really the most. Primarily, yes, we're not in the same place emotionally.

And that's where we start trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Instead of just acknowledging the fact that this isn't like it was last year or 10 years ago or. Or 20 years ago. I'm in this different place. So how do I dance with it today? It's when I'm in a different place but expect myself or others to be in the same place that it creates a tremendous amount of emotional conflict within us.

I also think that's when we become the most disappointed. And I think some of my most disappointing Thanksgivings were with these two people that we're talking with right now because I couldn't acknowledge that things had changed, that our family dynamics had changed, and now they're wonderful. And nothing has changed between those Thanksgivings except me acknowledging that things have changed. So that is really hard to do sometimes, especially in the current climate of where everything in the world feels like it's changing, and it's really hard to hold on to any sense of normalcy. I think we hold on to the traditions even more steadfast in situations like these. But if you're not willing to accept the fact that life circumstances have changed, then you're going to be disappointed when it doesn't feel the same. So why not change it? I. I get it, trust me. I get the feeling it's heartbreaking. But allowing you and your family and the people around you to acknowledge that things have changed will make it easier to create new, fun things and say, oh, maybe we could just do this instead. And then everyone gets a new, fresh jolt of energy rather than just being so sad that things aren't the same anymore.

Exactly. So that's why new traditions are so important, that coalesce into the change that has happened. Remember, change is not bad. It's just different. And different isn't bad. It's just different. And so we can acknowledge that there have been a lot of really good, wonderful times, and the good still counts. All those wonderful memories that you still remember and experience count. They matter. They're a part of you. But it's when we don't acknowledge that change has happened and we keep trying to make it feel like or fit into this old paradigm that is going to create a tremendous amount of emotional conflict within us. And then it makes us, you know, what I call emotionally constipated. So it doesn't take much for us to lose our shit anyway. So it's such a setup unless we can just really acknowledge, okay, this is going to be different. And that's not bad. It's just different. So how can I play into the differences of what is and make it as good as possible? My family, my children, my partner, like, allow what is to be present and then plan from there?

Yeah. Well, I think you've really hit on something very substantial, because I think the big initial challenge is we know internally that things are not the same, but yet we step into it. So let's have some stuff on the front, some conversations, some acknowledgments, some true emotional understanding and sharing about what has changed and how might we navigate this for it to be successful rather than the other? Because the other. It's not going to go well. It's not.

Yeah. Otherwise you're going to find yourself locking yourself in the bathroom at Thanksgiving, sobbing, which I've done, because nothing happened to make me feel that way. It's just your emotions are so close to the surface that anything can make you explode. And that's how people feel just in general, going home sometimes because they're nervous to talk to their family that they haven't seen in a while. So adding in all these other layers that we're talking about just makes it unbearable. It makes it so uncomfortable to be inside your body, you know, because you just feel like you have no control over your emotional reactions, which is the exact opposite of what we're saying to do. Because we want you to be under control. We want you to have a handle on your emotions. But if you're sabotaging yourself from the beginning, it's going to be awful.

Well, these are sports analogy. It'd be like going to a big time playoff game or whatever. And then the amount of preparation that professional teams do to approach one of those things. Oh, no, we're just going to wing it. You know, we're just going to wing like, come on, man. I mean, so you have to understand what's at play. And for many people going into this, what we've described here, talking about coming up here in this time of the year is like the super bowl, you know, Maine, and it's big. That's cool.

I mean, it's going to cross our fingers.

Yeah, we'll just wing it. Uncle Harry loses his and Fred acts like an idiot.

Maybe screaming about the. The election across the table, throwing mashed potatoes at each other. And on top of all of this, there's usually one person, usually a woman who's in charge of all the food. Me and mom too are those people. All the food, all the planning. You're feeding like 30 people. So you're managing all your emotions and you're catering the largest dinner that has ever happened on the same day. It's so much stress. It doesn't need to be like that.

Wasn'T what finally flipped you over the edge that first thanks to Thanksgiving that we had Brookie, that something happened to the turkey.

Well then they catch on fire.

Caught on fire was. It was because Mom 2 and dad had just gotten married. I was having a hard time coming to terms with that because I felt like I was losing my dad. You know, I've told this story before. I was just very emotionally fragile. I'm the cook in the family. So I go out to baste the.

Turkey wanted to be because.

Yeah, yeah. Well, not. Yeah, I was. I was a control freak. Much less so now. But back then I was still in my very controlling days of needing to micromanage every single dish. I don't do that anymore. But that's a different story.

I was going out and Thanksgiving. Sorry to interrupt you in your story, but I think it's really fun to think about. Okay. I didn't hear. You are in this fragile state and I didn't want to do anything to send you over the edge. So I Decided to let you set the whole Thanksgiving dinner up the way you wanted to. I'm just going to stand by and support you to try and make you see that this is gonna go as normal. It's gonna be fine. Do whatever you do. So take it from there.

So everyone was just kind of hanging out and I was finishing cooking. I go out to baste the turkey because we put it on the grill. We put it in just like a tin foil pan on the grill. We do it every year. That way the turkey doesn't actually get grilled, it just cooks on the grill. So I baste it throughout when it's baking out there, and I freaking go to baste it there. The grill is too hot. There's no juices on the bottom of the pan. It's just pitch of black ash on the bottom of the turkey pan. But it was so dark outside, I couldn't see. So I take the baster, baste some juice on there. Instant flames up in, like six feet in the air. But I was alone. No one saw me. Because I wanted to be in charge of everything. Everyone's inside probably just laughing, but not at me, because no one saw it. I was seriously in the deep, deep depths of depression. And I thought my eyebrows had been burned off, so I didn't tell anyone. I just ran inside and sat on the floor of the bathroom and started crying harder than I've ever cried. People were coming to the door saying, brookie, what's wrong? I was like, they weren't. They didn't get burned off. And the turkey was okay, but I was really sad that I thought the gravy was going to be burned.

I remember running up to Safeway wondering if I could get some jars of gravy. There was no drippings to make gravy.

We don't want that for you, dear listener.

Yeah, no, and it doesn't have to be like that.

Well, and I just think that was such a turning point for you. And I, too. And now. I mean, holidays are so lovely. I love it when you come home and we get to cook together and now we get to all contribute our parts and pieces. But. But it came into play a lot with just allowing to be what is.

And the reason why that specific dinner was so hard for me was because I was not acknowledging that things were different. I was wanting it to be exactly the same that it always had been. When my mom and dad were still married, I was sabotaging myself so much, I literally almost burned my eyebrows off. You know, like that's the truth. If I just would have said, okay, Thanksgiving is going to be a little different now, it wouldn't have been like that for me.

So true. This coincides with the next key point that I want to make here. Focus on what you can control and let go of what you can't by thinking through how you respond if and when X happens. That's just another way of saying what it is we have been doing saying. And then once we have a plan, I mean, seating assignments are good. Sometimes we don't have certain family members sitting next together. If you're hosting. There's also some fun ways that we'll talk about to manage the conversations that happen at the table. One of the things that I highly recommend is we have some conversation cards or anybody's conversation cards where we can pull cards and let that dictate the conversations that happen at the table and not just hoping it's going to go well and somebody pipes off. And then there we go. Everybody's triggered. Everybody's wondering how to respond. Everybody either, like, reacts or shuts down. So there are some fun things that you can do about managing the conversation if you'll just put some little thoughts and planning to it. Now, let's say you've done the best planning job and now you're there and it's unfolding and so. And so says something. I want to give you some ideas that you can use to manage yourself, because that's really the only thing you can control here. Remember, I can control me and I've got to let go of all the things that I can't control. In doing my best to just allow the changes that have happened from one year to the next, the first thing I'm going to encourage you to do is take breaks. You can get up from the dinner table to go out and take a breather or excuse yourself and say you need to go to the bathroom or go for a walk around the block or step out onto the deck to. To. To just catch a few moments of fresh air and take yourself out of the stimulation. Especially if you feel like you've been punched in the gut. And breathing, intentionally slowing down your breathing. You don't have to solve the problem or control the problem or manage the problem or decide what it is you're gonna say. But just literally focusing on slowing down your breathing when you do excuse yourself can help you reset to step back into the environment for yet another play. And one of my favorite breathing techniques in this particular place is called the count of four. Okay. Where I inhale for four, I hold it for four, I exhale for four, and then I remain there for four. And. And it gives your brain something to focus on as well as absolutely slows your breathing down. So I inhale for 4, 2, 3, 4, hold for 4, 2, 3, four, exhale for four, exhale, hold for four, and inhale and do it all again. So it helps refocus my brain, it helps slow my breathing down. And I do that for as long as I need to in order to step back in and go again. Here's the thing. It's not going to take as long as you think it is. If you were to do that for a minute or two, it would totally change the way you feel and the way you think. So that would be my first recommendation. Take breaks, breathe, excuse yourself, walk outside, use the bathroom, step onto the patio, and just slow your breathing down. Number two, it's important to use your voice to advocate for the good that you are seeking. Remember the plan in the beginning. What are you attempting to create? Restate it and restate it again. With Stan, I would say, remember, we're here to support mom. Right? That's why we're here. Keep the gloves up. And that would be all I would.

Need to say for some family members, like for members of the LGBTQIA community who are going home and they know their family is not accepting of their. That where there's a very hard boundary that people are wanting to keep and protect so that they don't have to get into conversations that are going to be very triggering for them and potentially unsafe for them. Would you share a broken record statement? Because I think that would be a good tool to keep in their pocket for unapproachable topics that they just don't want to talk about, you know, Absolutely.

In fact, here's a framework that I would recommend. Affirm what you want. Want. That's the first piece. Remember, I'm just here to enjoy your company, or I'm just here to see you, or I'm here to spend time with my brother or my sister. I'm here to spend time with the kids. Like, I'm affirming what I want. And then, if needed, state what you're going to do now. So this could turn into a statement of, please, I'm here to enjoy my time. That would be like what I'm affirming for. Let's just talk. Because you don't need to add the second part, but you can of times just restating what I affirm. I Want to see happen is enough. So don't. You don't need to take it any further if you don't need to. So let's talk about that piece of the framework, which is a broken record statement in and of itself. Some examples of that is let's focus on creating a good time for everyone. It doesn't matter what somebody just said to me. That maybe was a punch in the gut, but I'm just going to say let's focus on creating a good time for everyone. I'll listen to you, however, not now, please. I'm here to enjoy my time with. You could fill in the kids, the, the parents, the mother, the father, the siblings, you know, this is why I'm here. That's a broken record statement. And every time they come at you with something different, you're going to just reaffirm what it is you want. That's a broken record statement. If we were to add, when you need to, what I'm going to do next, you could say something like, I appreciate the conversation and now I need to step away, please. Excuse me. This is what I'm going to do now. So I affirm what I want and this is what I'm going to do now. And when I structure it in this way, there's no debate, there's no picking a fight. Right. I'm just affirming what it is I want to do. That's my broken record statement. I'm going to stay there regardless of what they say or what they do. And then if I need to take the next step, I will excuse myself, I will state what it is I'm going to do now.

Right. You will add a consequence. Like if you keep doing that, this is what's going to happen. And sometimes that's what needs to happen for someone to realize that you're serious about keeping that boundary.

Yeah. And I would reaffirm what I want and just state what I'm going to do. I would never say. Because you won't stop.

No, no, no, no. That's not what I'm saying.

Yeah, I just wanted to be clear.

Yeah. No, I'm just saying that in the way that you're setting it up, it makes it clear to them that, like, no matter what they say, if they continue down this road, that you are very clear, you don't want to go down, you just say, I want this. And if, because they keep doing it, you're gonna step away or I'm gonna go talk to somebody else or any of the things that you're going to do that just shows that there's a natural consequence if they don't stop. It's just how the conversation is playing out. And I think that's really great because you're not even acknowledging any of the things that you don't want to hear. You're simply just keeping, staying in your lane with this broken record statement. But it's naturally setting up a consequence to their actions, you know.

Yeah. And it's I keep reaffirming what I want and now I'm going to do this and I own it and I claim it. So some statements that you might want to rehearse and practice knowing that you might have to claim what I'm going to do now are, let's do our best to keep this enjoyable for the, the kids, each other, the family, and save this conversation for a better time. I'm now going to take care of the turkey. I'm now going to check on the kids. I'm now going to engage in a conversation with my sister or my brother.

Okay.

Another one might be I'd love to see everyone. So I'll spend one hour at dinner and then head home. That's that same thing. I would love to see everyone. That's what I want. That's good. So I'll spend one hour at dinner and then head home. That's managing your time. That's kind of incorporating a lot of things that we've talked about on the podcast. Or another one is I appreciate your invitation. However, I'll only be able to stay for dessert. That's the part I'm going to do now. But thank you so much for thinking of me and inviting me me. These are really important. And, and if you just use that structure of affirming what it is I want to go well, that ties into the planning we invited you to do on the front side. And then coming up with, you know, all those what ifs that you're probably ruminating on. What if so and so says this. What if this happens? What if they say that like they always do in the allowance of what you know to be true, you can come up with statements about what you will do now to add to that. Because the good that you want to create and the good intention that you want to take home for the holidays is something that you are stating so that you can remain true to it. Because when it's all said and done, your huge win is feeling really good about how you, you navigated yourself through it. Remember, it's about me managing Me, not me. Managing others so that I can create the experience I want. That's a really huge mind shift that I really want to encourage you to make as you head into these environments that you don't really have any control over. The group dynamic is going to take over. All you can do is decide how you're going to dance through it.

Another thing I wanted to say is I've seen a lot of discourse online lately of what you can do when you're going home to maybe misogynistic family members, the old school ones who don't take responsibility for the things that they say and they just say whatever comes to to their mind and they don't care who it offends. Those. We all know some of those kinds of people and their phrases or the words that come out of their mouth can be so hurtful that it's shocking. And sometimes you're literally just in a flight or freeze mode because you don't know how to possibly respond to the rude thing they just said. One of the things I heard is you can just say, can you? I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Can you repeat it? Because sometimes they know the thing they said was so shocking that they won't repeat it. Like asking them to repeat it is kind of putting them in the place of accountability to be brave enough to say it again. So if that's a safe exchange for you, it can give you some power back if you ask them to do it. Or you can just simply say, you know, I'm not engaging in this. I'm going to go do this. If you're feeling a tiny bit sassy, you can put that phrase in your pocket and use it. Because sometimes it is annoying. I'm just going to say it. Sometimes it is annoying to always be the bigger person. Even though it goes back to the feeling of wanting a different reality than what's possible. It's rooted in that same feeling where you just get to the point where you're like, God, why can't you just be the bigger person? And we all know that's not a possibility, and we know that's probably not going to happen. But I think having a little phrase like that, like, oh, I didn't catch that. Can you repeat yourself? Maybe you could try to be the bigger person in this moment.

Hey, here's the thing. I can be sassy, like the best of them. Let's be honest. I don't.

It's not really being sassy. It's like it's asking them in this moment, can you take accountability for the crazy thing you just said and just seeing how that plays out? But for some people, that's not a good strategy because they're not emotionally resilient enough to accept it. I think there are some people who are ready to go into Thanksgiving and they're ready to say, oh, maybe I am going to change some people's minds, or maybe I am going to challenge someone on this certain thing.

Anytime you ask a question with something that doesn't make a lot of sense to you or that has just kind of punched you in the gut, number one, the good news is it's going to buy you some time to take a breath.

Right.

You've literally just been punched in the gut. And it's. If any of us are punched in the gut, what's the first thing we do? Okay, give me a minute. Let me, let me.

That's why I like that question, because it puts all the responsibility back on the person who just said the crazy, offensive thing.

Well, and it genuinely gives you the opportunity to step into. So you're still being the bigger person, unfortunately, Brooke, because you're stepping into, like, the listening position, which is always a.

Gift, and you're having curiosity about if they really said the thing you thought you heard.

Here's the thing. We don't have time to talk about it in this particular episode, but especially when we start talking about historic patterns of behavior oft times. I'm not giving hall pass. I'm not giving excuses. But until we dig into the contrast of how things have changed, we want things to remain the same. So if you call them on it, it's going to elicit a fight. They're going to try and enroll you to the old paradigm, because I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And you're going to try and educate them on the new paradigm or in the contrast. And now we're going to have a lovely, you know, conflicted conversation.

They're going to feel like you're trying to make them feel stupid.

And so the best place you can step into is, yes, ask a question. Help me understand why you felt the need to say that, or help me understand why you felt the need to go there, or help me understand why you feel so impassioned about your position there. The best place for us to step into is into the listening position, which, when you're hearing a bunch of things in their description and answering of the question that you just asked, that might be, depending on where you are, a lot to ask.

Very triggering. Yeah. Right. That's why I like the very simple question of, oh, I didn't catch that. Could you repeat yourself? Because it's not really asking them what they thought or why they said the thing they said. It's just simply asking them to repeat the crazy thing because it takes courage for the person to repeat it. Sometimes it's so egregious.

Well, and then where do you go with it?

Well, then I think you let it go after that. If they do repeat it, you let it go. If they don't repeat it, then the lesson was kind of taught in that moment. No.

Yeah. And that's where I would say you step into saying, I heard what you had to say. And you know what? I'm really here just to enjoy family dinner. Can we get Exactly. So you can stack those things on there? If you. Yeah, you do want to say, hey, can you repeat that? Then I want you to know what to do after that. Yeah, good call.

Yes.

A couple of things that I want to encourage you to avoid. Okay, we've talked about some things to do as we wrap up this conversation. Here's some things to avoid. Number one, do your best to not overshare personal struggles. This is not the time or the place. And I would encourage you that if you and your partner in a place and space of separation that you actually have a conversation about what we're going to share and what we're not going to share so that we're both on the same page here. And at the very least, if you're not sure if okay to share, then don't share it. That's going to be your best default choice. The second one is don't try to perform. This isn't about a performance. This doesn't need to go perfectly. It's okay to find yourself in a neutral space or doing things different. And the third one I'm going to ask you to do is don't attempt to control others. Instead, focus on controlling yourself. That is your win. Do slow down, be intentional, and again, pursue the good. Pursue what you want. Pursue why you're there and what you would like to see happen. And keep stating it and stating it again and again and again so that it can become an anchor for yourself that not only you demonstrate, but that you anchor in and advocate for. Because if somebody says something rude or incredulous or disrespectful or unkind or flippant or sarcastic, you don't need to take the bait. You can look them dead in the eye and say, you know what, I'm here to enjoy my time together. It's really good to see you, Bernie. I'm going to go back and see if my help is needed in the kitchen. I'm not even going to take the bait. I'm going to affirm what it is I want to do and then declare what I'm going to do. Now, Brookie brought up a good place and space here that navigating political beliefs at the dinner table. Again, not the time and space. The only thing harder than carving a turkey is surviving a political debate with your in laws. It's not good. So tips on navigating that is redirecting a conversation. And again, I'm going to go back to structuring the conversations at the table by having some, some cards you can draw or some pre canned questions that you can use to stimulate the conversation and manage and structure it so you're not just leaving it open to the whims of whomever is sitting there for you. So it's the place of redirecting the conversation and huh, that's an interesting perspective. Or okay, I hear what you've had to say. So the stuffing is so incredible. Like who made it? What did you put in here? It's restructuring the conversation or asking a question to redirect the conversation. I just got to ask everybody at the table. You don't even have to acknowledge the person that said something. Okay, so I want to ask a question too. You could step right into asking a better question. Advocating is important. I'd prefer to not discuss politics today. Let's focus on the holiday. That is an advocating statement that you could use if by chance you're uncomfortable with what where this conversation around politics. Or it could be religion. Every family has their topic that's really challenging. Or money or what's happening with the little sister. You know me, I'd prefer not to discuss this at the table today with everybody. Could we just get back to hey, where's everybody planning to take a trip this year? Those are really helpful things that you can absolutely use your voice and stay in a position of advocating for yourself and don't feel pressured to go places you're not willing to go. It's okay for you to say, you know what, I'm not ready to have that conversation now. I'm not prepared to get into that, but maybe we could explore it another time. Those are also really great statements. Stay calm, practice the pause and breathe. We've already mentioned it before here earlier in the podcast that's a really great way to manage your triggers. And remember, the goal isn't to change minds, it's to maintain a common respect for all and preserve the relationships as they are and as you allow them to be. A forced and coerced person is of the same opinion still, that is something that you need to remember and remember and remember again. If I have to force or coerce you into seeing it my way, you're still going to believe the way that you do. In fact, it's probably going to further cement it as you do your best to do what I'm asking you to do from a place of obligation. So our big takeaways today is planning is essential for protecting your peace. Communication will help you navigate those moment by moment playing outs of family dynamics and emotional regulation that is controlling yourself or what I call doing an emotional push up is your superpower in high stress situations. Pre can your statements know what you're going to say if this happens, when this happens, how you're going to navigate it? We've given you some really great strategies to navigate that here. Well, let's step in to follow the fun then. I want to give you three powerful questions that you can ask the group if by chance you need to like redirect the conversation or put conversations in a structured manner on the table so that we can have a robust place to like focus so we don't just leave it up to the whims of chance. And the first one I'm going to share with you is if you could, by the way, I've pulled these questions out of my cards, my conversation cards, Conversations for connection. They're great to just pull a card. A lot of people use these at the holiday table. Instead of worrying about what we're going to talk about, we just go around the table and pull a card. And some people have even taken and set the table with a card so you have a card at your plate. And everybody goes around and has an opportunity throughout the course of the meal to ask their question to the group. And everybody goes around and answers again, structuring the conversations. So one that I'm going to share with you is if you could travel back in time to be with any person from history, who would it be and why?

Number one.

Number two, if you could write a book, what would it be about and what would the title be? And this has garnered some of the funnest conversations with not just friends of ours, but my grandkids. It's amazing what they come up with. And the titles are hilarious. So that's one of my favorites. And the last one I'm going to share with you is if your house is on fire, what five items would you grab and why? And it's amazing to see the different perspectives that people go to and think about when they're in a moment of oh, I gotta act quickly. So those are fun questions that you can use to redirect the conversation or perhaps set the stage for some productive conversation that will garner some really fun.

You can get those conversation cards for connection on our website.

Just by the way Our song for today is Michael Buble's Feeling Good. This is one of my all time favorite favorite favorite songs like I want this played at my funeral. Some people don't like talking about funerals, but Brookie, that was I I'm not meaning to talk about funerals and the passing. I'm not getting anywhere close to that. But here's the thing. I love this song and it is such a great showcaser for what we're telling you to do. Pursue the good. Remember that we can create good. We want to feel good, we want to get back to the good. And so this song is all about that and all the places and spaces that we can create good. So I hope you enjoy it. Michael Buble is also one of my favorites for the holidays. I love his Christmas album. I start playing it right about this time of year. We play it all the way through. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website podcast page or search it up on Spotify Love Shack Live Playlist. And listen, before we go, there's two things that I need to say. Number one, we're going to take a break from our podcast. So we will not be doing a podcast next week because we're going to be celebrating the holiday with our own family. We'll look forward to being back here with you two weeks from now. The second thing that I want to make you aware of is a quick reminder. Starting Monday, November 25th, our Black Friday sale begins and we're offering special discounts on five of our premier courses. They're designed to help you improve your relationships, enhance your intimacy, and find emotional balance. This is the perfect time to invest in yourself and your relationship, so be sure to mark your calendars so you don't miss out. We'll also be posting some things on social media as well, and I know that we have done our best to power pack this conversation. We really want this to go well for you so I'm going to encourage you to share some of your holiday plans and strategies with us on social media or by dropping us a message on our website stacybartley.com without further ado, then, thank you so much for spending your time with us today. We wish you a very, very happy holiday season filled with peace, connection and joy, what we call the good stuff. And we'll look forward to being back here with you in two weeks, ready to dive into even more strategies to support you and your relationships to get more and more and more of the good stuff. Happy Holidays. All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door.

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