#206: Your Partner Needs Space—Here’s How to Handle It Without Falling Apart

You notice the divide growing between you and your special someone long before they say anything. You know what I'm talking about. The late replies, the distant looks. And then the conversation you've been dreading begins. It sounds a bit like this. I can't do this anymore, and I think I need some space. Your stomach drops. You sensed it was coming, but you thought that maybe if you just did enough, contributed enough, served enough, tried to get it right, that maybe you could avoid the conversation altogether. And as your stomach drops, there's this wave of panic that sets in. It's natural for us to go, what's happening? How did we get here? It feels like all of this is the beginning of the end. But is it? What if it's something else entirely? Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone feeling stuck in their relationship and caught between holding on and letting go. If you're navigating emotional distance or facing the fear of separation, this is the episode for you. I'm Stacy Bartley, your relationship mentor. With me is my co host and lover, Tom and her daughter Brooke. Together, we help couples at the crossroads rebuild trust, rediscover connection, and find clarity amongst the chaos. So how do you honor your partner's need for space without falling apart yourself? And more importantly, how can this moment become an opportunity for exploration and personal growth, not just for your relationship, but but for yourself as well? In today's episode, we're tackling these questions head on and we're going to explore why the words I need space isn't always a sign of the end, but actually an opportunity to a brand new beginning of rebuilding the relationship that. Come on. If we were to really be honest and tell the truth right now, there are some things that haven't been working for you too, right? And when these things come to head, this is when the need for space and space separation occurs. We're going to walk you through some practical steps to shift from panic to empowerment and show you how to turn this difficult time into a brand new beginning.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So let's dive in because the reality is the story isn't over. It's just emerging. You know what's emerging? The truth of probably what's needed to be looked at for a while now. So let's understand the need for space. And what is it that spikes off or kind of kicks off this final conversation of I need space? What does it really mean? Space is often all about self reflection and overwhelm, not necessarily about the relationship's Failure. There is a place and a space for us as human beings where I've overextended, I've over given, I've over controlled, I've overworked, I've taken responsibility for things that maybe as I learn and grow, I realize I shouldn't be. These are two sides of the same problem. The problem is eventually I run out of emotional gas and I feel like I just can't do it anymore. And that's when you're going to see the conversation around I need space happen. It's not necessarily about the failure of the relationship, as I've already said. It's more about the exhaustion and the conflict within oneself. And when I feel like I just can't do it anymore, I can't keep it together. It's a lot like physically not being able to peel yourself off the couch because I'm too sick, I've worked myself too long. There are lots of things that drive us to these places, but it really is overextending or not showing up at all that drives us to this emotional, exhaustive place.

So initially, when many of us people in this very difficult place get to this place, it's a capacity issue or the lack of capacity.

I'm at capacity, I'm at capacity.

I am maxed out.

And I usually get there and deplete my emotional capacity by trying to over control and manage or I'm not showing up at all, I'm voiceless. I've written myself out of the relationship altogether in an attempt to please you, serve you, do it right, get it right. And it may not even just be our overall relationship that does this. I could be trying to do this with our children as well. So not only am I trying to do this in my relationship with my lover, but I'm trying to do this when the relationship with my children.

So really we've reached a point of self preservation, really.

But also, I think we had a little meeting before our podcast and we were talking about how skills are so essential to relationships. I would say that the majority of couples start their relationships without skills. They just get together because they like each other and they had that spark. Everything they build off of that is not foundationally secure because they're not emotionally regulating, they're not communicating in a way that's healthy. Not just healthy, but they're not communicating in a way that's productive. They're constantly defensive, or they're putting up walls, or they're personalizing everything their partner says. And then because of that, they can't make any progress to move on to the next phase. And so all of these things are happening when you just think you're having a normal relationship, but really it's not normal because you're lacking the skills you need. So that's happening while you're also feeling all of these other feelings. So everything is breaking you down. Like. Like just even an interaction between the two of you isn't building you up. It's breaking you down because you don't have the skills you need to navigate everyday life situations. My whole point of this spiel is that I can understand why it's confusing to a person who thinks, well, this is just how our relationship is. Why is it breaking down? Because you don't have the knowledge of those things that I just said, you know, so it's like I'm doing everything I know to do, and it's still going bad. It's. It's unfair, really, because these skills should be taught in school so that we go into our relationships knowing how to do these things, but we're not. And then we don't understand what's going wrong. So then it just seems like you're bad or you're wrong, you know? And that all also formulates into why space is required too.

It's really the ultimate convergence of what Brooke says. It really is. Yes, I understand. We understand. It's surprising and very, very rattling. It's typically the person that's the recipient of that request that we work with. Sometimes it's the other. But whatever side you're on, it rattles your entire life.

The.

The vibrations and reverberations through the foundation of your life. It's really not your fault because Brooke just said most of us. Think about it. How much time have any of us invested in becoming better at being a.

Lover, Being in a relationship? Yeah.

Other than when this happens, it's oftentimes you're forced to.

Yeah, you're panicked and you're looking for every resource. So then you're trying everything, and everything is making it worse. But I guess the. The point I wanted to make by saying all that is that, yeah, just like dad said, it's not your fault. And number two, it's just to let you know that your relationship has been breaking down for a long time. There's a catalytic event that caused one of you to realize it. But it's not just because you may made a mistake or because you did one bad thing. It's been slowly breaking down over time. And the person who asks for space is the first one to be, like, calling uncle, like, I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to keep going.

Let's talk about this very common myth that needing space means it's the end. And I want you to see that this is based on a social norm that we've all bought into. And what Brooke and Tom are talking about, this ideal of how we think relationships work. And we couldn't be more off base because what we've been taught, it's even in our wedding vows, is some version of. All right, here's the deal. You're going to do everything you need to do to make me happy, and then I'm going to do the same for you until death do us part.

And you get a lot of people around you that are going to cheer you on for that same faulty premise.

Yeah.

And spend thousands and thousands of dollars to do it.

Well, and then they say, happy wife, happy life. And what does that cause you to do? Just feel like you got to suck. Suck it up more and. And please her more and do more, because what you're doing right now is not enough. And what happens when you yourself, after trying to please that and create that happy wife, happy life mantra, run out of gas yourself and go, there's not enough. Coming back to refuel my own emotional gas tank that makes this worth it for me. I can't do this anymore. That's when that happens. Or just give your man sex that'll take you to the home plate. Well, the hell it. I mean, not that I'm anti sex. Sex is a beautiful, wonderful thing in your relationship that I hope that you'll fight for until the day you die. But there's so much more to relationships, principally and skill wise, that we just don't learn and we just don't talk about. And it comes to full circle. This myth of needing space means you're leaving, it's done, it's over, it's the end. It means nothing like that. It means that we've had problems and challenges where we have violated the principles and not the skills that we've needed for a very long time. And now, as it always does, my mom used to say this. It all comes out in the wash. At some point in time, you're gonna have to face the music. And this is that moment when somebody says, I just can't do this anymore. That we're facing the reality of what actually is. So the choice becomes then, are you going to continue to push the illusion of our societal and cultural norms? Are you going to actually hunker down and go? There's a lot of stuff here I don't understand and there's a lot of principles that I don't get and there's a lot of skills that I don't have. Maybe that would be a really great place to start instead of stepping into the common anxiety and panic of, oh my gosh, I'm not going to be okay if this person leaves me. I don't know what to do. I've got to figure out how to make them stay. Because here's the thing about that anxious response. Any amount of trickery that you are going to implore to get them to stay or to engage with you is just that it's not authentic, genuine, intimate connection, the likes of which we're all craving and longing for. It is trickery. And so that starts to play out when you say, well, how long should I wait? And can I just call them because this is what's happened, or can I just make an excuse and show up? Or can I just violate this altogether and tell them where they're wrong and where they're awful and off base and they should have told me and let me know a long time ago? And all the places and spaces that we start to, like, spiral in. If you're using trickery, it's not going to work because what you want is truly a good thing. A genuine person who wants to be here and love you because they genuinely love you and want to be here, and a person who is here and present with you because they get their emotional needs met and we know how to navigate through difficult places and spaces regardless of what comes. And as we do that, then we get to build a confidence and a reassurance not only within myself, but within you too. So even if something more handsome, beautiful, smart, intelligent, tantalizing comes along, I don't want that. I want you. That's what we all want at the end of the day, and that's what's possible for you if you will start to understand the principles that have been violated that have driven you to this place of space and separation, as well as starting to master and practice the skills that are absolutely required if you want. All of the good stuff that I just talked about and what we tend to do in our lack of knowing these things is we become exceptionally anxious. And our anxious panic starts throwing off this need to be clingy and sinking, constant reassurance and feeling discombobulated and buying into fears that I'm not going to be okay without you and that my life is over and that this is over. What's going to happen to my finances and my kids. And the next thing you know, we have created this completely disastrous horror picture that has me flat out on the ground in a panic attack and I can't breathe. And I want you to see the likes of which none have happened. None of it's happened. It's just the places and spaces where my mind has taken me. So let me ask you something. What if this moment isn't the end, but actually an incredible opportunity for you to. To rebuild and strengthen both yourself and your concepts and ideals of relationships so that regardless of how this goes, where you are, never again do you find yourself in a space and a place where this will be your outcome. I want you to know that that's possible. I don't know if it's possible in this particular relationship that you're in, but I do know that if you'll practice the principles and skills that we teach and mentor thousands of people around the world to do, it could be potentially your last time that you're faced with this conversation, because it will all start to make sense for you. We misunderstand space, and instead of having the understanding of the principles and the skills, we shift into panic. And just like we used to do in our maturation process as children, if there are things that I don't understand or things that outplay that I don't understand and I don't know how to navigate, I freak out. Ask any child that doesn't know what's happening.

You don't even have to ask them. You can just watch them.

Wow.

And I can share with you. That's exactly what we do as adults when you're in this place. Because I talk to them all the time on the phone and they are literally freaking out.

Frantic. Nothing makes you feel more frantic than uncertainty, oh, my gosh. In your relationship. And specifically uncertainty when your partner says they need space and you take that as it's over and you're never going to see them again or you don't know when you're going to see them again, it makes you literally feel like you want to reach out and grab them so that they don't leave. Like it makes you act in ways that you normally wouldn't.

It's the ultimate setting for cray cray, and it's all available for any of us. If you have been delivered those words or you've said those words, it's going to send you in a place you've never experienced before.

Why?

Because we don't have a lot of training of. Of going through this very difficult place. Literally your entire foundation has been ripped out from.

From underneath you. Well, and what you've been taught and sold about relationships, right, Comes to a.

Head and you realize that, oh, crap, something's gonna give.

I and everything I've been taught and told about relationships, it's been based on a faulty premise. It's a great romantic story, but it has no bearing and no substance to it. And that is a very dismantling experience across the board. So of course we panic. So I don't want to minimize anybody who's totally natural, totally warranted. It happen happens because we don't have a bigger, greater understanding of what's really going on and how we've arrived here. And then we certainly don't know how to get ourselves out of it. And so we do reach for all manner of trickery in order to write, promote, establish, connect, reassure ourselves that we're going to be okay. Let us give that to you right here and now. I want you to take a big, huge breath in, and I want you to know you're gonna be okay. I want you to know that there are answers to the places and spaces that you are asking the biggest questions probably you've asked of your life. I want you to know that there's answers. I want you to know that there are principally things that will make absolute sense when you understand them and you're gonna be okay. Like, things are going to work out somehow. Maybe not the way you've wanted them to, but absolutely this moment is going to pass. And what I would encourage you to do is maximize it to the very best of your ability and recognize right now in doing so, you don't need to panic. Quite the opposite, actually. You need to slow down. You need to slow way down. And you may not have these answers today, and you may not have these skills today, but you can learn them soon. Quickly. You can be in a position of empowerment soon, but not if you panic. Because if you panic, here's what's going to happen. You're going to do and say some things that you're going to regret later. You're going to essentially run over the edge in panic trying to accomplish something that you think you need in this moment that you come to find out later you didn't need it. All right? So it's important that you take a breath and realize this is going to pass. You're going to be okay. There are answers to the questions that you're asking. And I need you to slow down and realize that trickery, regardless of who's selling it and who's peddling it, will never take you to ultimately what it is you say you want. So the first thing that I'm going to ask you to do is step one. When space and separation has been asked for without pressure, we need to start exploring some agreements about how we're going to govern ourselves. And the agreements here are really important. Don't leave it to expectations, don't leave it to assumptions, because the agreements are going to help you create a foundation where you can stand and stand firmly. You're going to know what's expected not because you're guessing, not because you're trying to read the smoke signals, but because you've actually had the conversation. And so questions like, how much time do we want to spend communicating? Are we going to communicate every day and check in, or are we going to communicate every week, or are we going to check in once a month, or are we going to go 90 days with absolutely no contact so that we can figure some things out for ourselves? All of those are completely appropriate, depending on your circumstance and situation. Ask the question, what does space mean for you and how do we govern it for some of you? You're going to have children or pets. You're going to have household things that are going to continue, finances that are going to continue to be spent. All of these are places and spaces where we need to have some agreements around how are we going to manage this? Fill in the blank.

These are some baseline agreements because oftentimes it's almost as if we think life is going to stop once we have this space and separation. And quite often depending on the complexity of your marriage and or long term relationship, it doesn't. So it's like Stacy just shared, these are some baseline agreements so we can just how do we function going forward and still honor what each other needs and the house of cards doesn't fall down because it's going to continue. But my point there is how quickly after whomever has asked for space would we step in to try to formulate these baseline agreements Immediately?

You say, that's really hard for me to hear that you need space. I was hoping that that conversation would never come, but now that you've said we need to have some space. Okay, I honor your need for space. I'll do my best over the coming weeks and months to understand your need for space. Now let's talk about how we're going to govern this time and space together because you're still in a place of co creation with all that you have spinning with careers and kids and pets and work and household chores and responsibilities. So how are we going to govern these? So many times we don't have agreements established here to help us do this. And so then we just spin out because there is no what we call parameters or agreements about. Okay, I honor your need for space. How are we going to do this? Please, let's put a plan together here.

There are a lot of commingled things that if we can just get some baseline understanding, it's going to make this time of separation space much more fruitful and beneficial for both of you. Yes, it really is.

Couples who have agreements do much better during times of space and separation than couples who do not. Because you're going to spin out, you're going to panic, you don't know what to expect. You're going to make assumptions and expectations. You're going to try and read the smoke signals about what's really going on and how you should play, play with this instead of just have the conversations that you need to have. How are we going to do this? What do you see happening here? Those are some really baseline questions that you need to ask your partner. Who's asking Space. Okay, how do you see this happening? Not from a place of being interrogation or defensive. These are. Let's just create some agreements around how these things are going to continue. Even though we're taking space, how are we going to navigate those things? A lot of couples even continue to not only check in daily, but have like a weekly or monthly monthly date. And any and all of those things are completely appropriate. What's appropriate for you? Because it's just as common for couples to say I need 30 days, no contact, just to re establish a sense of where I'm at and what I need because I don't really know right now. And that's okay too. Okay, let's revisit these and think about the agreements that we need to put in place in two weeks or 14 days or 30 days from now. That's totally fine. We don't have to tackle all of these things right now. We just want to start and open up the conversations around these agreements and how we're going to dance with them. Because if we do, it's going to give us a lot of like.

And if we don't, there's going to be impending, unbelievable, increasing intensity because we didn't have these when we could Have. So, like Stacy said, much better. It's going to be much more beneficial if you can just start these. And again, you want to be very mindful of how you're having these conversations. These are very, very baseline agreements. You want to keep it at that level. We don't. And you're going to be very tempted, you know, oh, if I could, I'm just going to slip one more thing in here. Then he or she's going to do, please, for the great love and respect, don't do that. He's going to be tempted very strongly to let these proliferate. You want to keep them very tight and very structured.

Well, that's breaking the trust.

Exactly.

A lot of times in space situations, we are needing to rebuild trust. So when your partner is asking you for, you know, let's stick to these agreed upon dates and you're begging them via text, let's add another one. Or, please, I'm obsessing and I need you to talk me off a ledge. That's violating the agreement, you know, and by violating the agreement, that's not rebuilding trust. Because keeping the agreements is essential in the rebuilding trust cycle. So even though it can feel like you're going to die if you don't hear from them, maybe come up with some other people that you can text instead, like your parents or your best friend, you can share with them how you're really feeling. But in these very sticky space situations where we're trying to get back to a place of equilibrium, it could be super harmful to do that.

Well, so let's take the next steps. How are we going to continue to operate? Brookie has just eloquently led us to the next step, which is where is my focus? My focus is not on getting my person back. Because if your focus is there, you're going to violate trust. You're going to get yourself into such a panic mode that you're going to essentially allow yourself to say and do some things that I promise on the backside you're going to completely regret. So where do I place my focus? And you're not going to like my answer. I'm just going to tell you right now, you're going to go, really? That sucks. That's the last thing I want to do. I know, but that's exactly what you need to do. And that is you've got to place your focus on yourself. I know. Drum roll, please. Here's the thing. You need some time to pause and reflect. On what? What am I going to pause and reflect on? Well, you've probably been chasing, pursuing, doing, controlling, managing life for your partner for I don't know how long now. Violating where I end and they begin. And this is an opportunity that you're kind of forced into to essentially take that focus of trying to figure out what to get them to do so that you feel better, stop the management of them and start managing you. That's your opportunity here and to get really good at that because that displaced management has in large part contributed to where you are today. I manage others to feel okay myself. That's going to create problems for you and your partner and the relationship we call a co creation. So you're being forced to learn how maybe for the first time in your whole life, manage your self and not managing others so that you feel better. And this is going to take you slowing down. It's also going to take you creating moments to acknowledge and feel your emotions without acting on them. And I want to remind you right here that emotions last 90 seconds unless I'm feeding them. How do I feed them? A little thing called obsessive thinking. Oh, well, what is that, Stace? It's a little thing called anxiety where I just obsessively keep spinning. And every time I have that same thought over and over and over a thousand times a second, I am extending the life of that emotion that I'm saying is paralyzing me. So why do we have a pan attack? Well, you have a panic attack.

I just want everyone to know I've never done that before in my whole life.

A panic attack comes because the obsessive thinking is throwing off so much emotion. I can't take it anymore. And my brain finally switches off as a safety mechanism to give myself a chance to repose, breathe, find some space and recalculate. Well, you know, I violated the 92nd rule.

What's interesting is we somehow think that this experience is going to. We don't have to understand balance. Well, of course we do. This is a massive imbalance that you're asking your nervous system and emotional regulation facilities to handle this. Are you like, come on, anywhere in the universe and anywhere when there is an imbalance, what happens? There's going to be a correction. It doesn't matter whether we want it or not. So we have to be mindful. And I think for some reason that doesn't apply here. Well, I'd say it applies here more than you ever could imagine. And so this is what we help people when we work with them. You have to understand how we're wired Physiologically, you're setting yourself up to just get a tsunami.

You're literally frying your nervous system.

Yeah, I mean, literally.

And it feels like that. But here's the thing. I'm saying it can be a challenge to do it differently. Oh, my God. Absolutely. You can. You absolutely can. So the first little tactic I'm going to give you is a little thing I call a four count breathing pattern, where you literally sit your butt down, which I know is the last thing you want to do. Quiet your brain. I know, I get it. It's hard. The first few are almost painful, but not more painful than what you're doing by frying your nervous system. So work with me here. And you're going to do a four count breath. And that means I'm going to inhale for four, I'm going to hold it for four, I'm going to exhale for four, and I'm going to remain there for four. And I want you to see a box, I inhale, where you draw a line in your mind. I hold it for four, which is the line that comes across the top. I exhale, coming down for four, and then I remain there for four until I inhale. And if you are so spun up you can't do a four count, then do a three count, do a two count. Because what's going to happen here, as you slow your breathing down, your heart rate's going to slow down, your brain is going to slow down, your anxiety and your emotions are going to slow down, and you're going to get on the other side of that 90 second rule to where the emotions aren't absolutely just continuing to escalate and escalate and escalate. So breathe. Sit your butt down and breathe and focus on the four count. That will give your brain something to.

On.

Focus, focus on. It's a place where I need to focus on other things, not how to get my partner back. I need to focus my attention on more productive things. So in addition to breathing, now that you've slowed down, I need you to find yourself a project. I need you to start working out. I need you to find a hobby. I need you to go back and reimagine what it is you used to love to do long before this place of space and separation happened for you. And I need you to create a place plan that you'll take action on so that every time you start to spin out in your anxiety, you'll remember, oh, yeah, this is the moment I need to go do my thing. I need to go do my project. Because if I can focus my mind and then breathe and slow my system down, you're going to find that in these moments where you're in panic, you actually can empower yourself to go in the opposite direction. This is going to be important not just for this time of space and separation, but, but anytime you find yourself in a panicked situation, it's you learning how to do what I call an emotional push up.

Well, and if a panic situation isn't resonate with you, how about like triggered or you're pissed, you know, someone has pushed your exact button to have you become a hot mess. Whatever word resonates from you. Yeah, this, what Stacy just described is not just specific to one space and separation, it's purely emotional push ups. Like, you've got to have the reps to be able to regulate yourself so you don't become unhinged. And quite frankly, most of us have no time in the saddle to work through these types of situations other than when we've been forced to.

Well, think about all of the things that your partner really wants to say to you or all of the things you really want to say to your partner, but you can't because you know it will send them off on a tangent or a defensive tirade. All of those, those conversations that you've needed to have over all these years you've been together, you haven't been able to have them because you both don't have the skills to navigate. It's just like parent child, where the child doesn't tell the parent certain things because they know if they do, they'll get the same talk over and over again without ever being really listened to. And so just think about how all of that communication has not happened. So all of those stories or things shared or little nuances or preferences that you could have changed or fixed or helped your partner with, they haven't been shared because you've been so guarded or worried about your partner's reaction. I just want to remind people that's how we become closer, by sharing those things. And so when we don't have the skills to emotionally regulate and then we can't share those things, we stop growing closer with the people that we love the most.

Well, yeah, I mean, how many times you hear, excuse me, like, we just don't talk anymore because we can't talk about anything before it just blows up really quickly.

Well, and here's the thing, we think that's the great answer. We just won't fight. We just won't Talk. I'll just do my thing, you do your thing, and it's going to be great. Here's the problem with that. If we're not talking the narrative or the storyline or what we making up is true and our expectations and our assumptions doesn't stop, we're just now creating it all in our own volition. And as I do, I'm living congruent to it. And I'm usually, if I'm gonna be left to insert the narrative all on my own, it's gonna be a byproduct of probably my own fear and insecurity. So, you know, it's kind of like, get your popcorn, get your coke, this horror film is gonna really kick your ass. And you're gonna start showing up in your relationship as though these things you've made up are absolutely true. Now, how I engage with my partner now is not really how I want to show up. It's not really what I want to pursue. I just don't know what else to do differently. And so not having the conversations is more destructive than actually attempting to have a conversation. Ironically, emotional regulation is key. And it's just like a physical workout. Ocean weightlifting happens just like physical weightlifting. What do I mean by that? It's really hard. At first. You think you can't do it. You're struggling, right? You're probably ticked off that you have to do it. And 10 pounds feels like a lot until you learn that 10 pounds is really easy. And I can now do 25 pound problems. And those 25 pound problems all of a sudden turn into 75 pound problems. And pretty soon, before you know it, if I have the ability to emotionally do a push up, we can talk about 500 pound problems with not a whole lot of problem at all. Because I have the ability and the resiliency to do it.

I just thought of something. Emotional weightlifting is kind of like you wade through all the bullshit, that's what the emotional weightlifting is, so that you can talk about the actual issue. Like you're not saying how you feel about their choices or what you think about what they should do or how this thing is going to make your life terrible. You're just actually talking about the circumstances. So it's like clearing the way so that you can actually talk about the stuff that you need to talk about.

We spend so much time in pretend and illusion talking about nonsensical stuff that doesn't take us anywhere in our defensiveness and our stubbornness, instead of getting to the heart of the matter about what it is that's really not working for me. And what it is that I really sense would make a huge difference. Those conversations don't happen because we don't have the ability to regulate. And when I say to my person, I think you're lying, I don't believe you, or I'm not trusting you right now, they go, oh, well, that's it, I guess we're done now. Because if you can't trust me, what have we got? Instead of saying, help me understand why you don't trust me and what could I do to help you trust me? More like, it's addressing what is. But just what I said there, it's vulnerable. It's unheard of. We don't have a lot of demonstrations of it at all. And I've even had clients say, oh, Stace, that's so Gandhi esque. Well, the hell it is. It's real. That's what it is. It's real because it's vulnerable. It's authentic and it's really how I'm feeling and thinking. But if we don't garner the ability to emotionally regulate to have these truthful conversations, we're not going to be able to solve any of the challenges and problems that we are facing. And so emotional weightlifting is absolutely key. And there's never been a better time to learn it.

I just want to point out a very small nuance in that example that Mom 2 shared that other people might not have picked up on, but it's really important. Her response to the partner saying that they believed she was lying. It did two things. Number one, it didn't invalidate the other person. She didn't say, no, I'm not lying. How could you ever say that? She said, why do you think I'm lying and what could I do to make you know that I am telling the truth? Truth. So it's validating your partner's feelings, but it's also not acquiescing and saying, oh, I am a liar. You're so right. There's a way to have these conversations where you step into your partner's narrative and perspective, but you don't have to agree with it. That's where we get so stuck where if we're like, no, I'm not lying, so I can't have this conversation with you, then you're never going to solve the issue. We think we have to stand our ground at and not step in and explore where our partner could possibly think we're lying. We know we're not lying, but if you don't do that. You just make your partner feel like an idiot and you never solve the problem. But you just shared that it's perfectly available to do both things without agreeing that you're lying.

You know, here's the kicker. Do you really think you've changed their mind by not having the conversation with them? Exactly. Do you not think that they think you're probably, probably a bigger liar now than ever before because you become so defensive and stubborn about it? So you didn't change their mind, you didn't solve anything. You don't understand how it is that they're perceiving you in this light. And so what the hell are you going to do about it? Move to the other bedroom, Create separation in space? Probably because we're not able to find the solutions. And look, this isn't your fault. You have not probably studied relationships and skills and principles that rudder these very nuanced emotional experiences. And let's be honest, relationships are the most emotionally nuanced experiences we have as a human being. That's why they're so hard, because we don't learn these things until now. And so I'll tell you what, when we're in a place of space and separation, we are motivated to do things we never thought we would do because we are now motivated to step in, explore, be self reflective, understand, do all the things that we've probably known we've needed to do for a really long, long time, but have just continued to put off hoping that we didn't have to actually address it. And this is where the 30 day roadmap was absolutely created. These are where we talk about the tools of emotional regulation. Understanding defensive patterns and building self confidence come into play. These are exactly what we want you to focus on right now during this very opportunistic moment, dare I say, in your life. This is what we call a catalytic moment because the motivation is there. From the sense of panic and anxiety and pain in these places. We will do things again like we never thought we would do. And what needs to be done is a rebuilding of your relationship with yourself, an understanding of how relationships really work and how to get to the heart of the matter, which is saying and having the conversations with some emotional regulation that you've known you've needed to do for a few very long time. This is ultimately the moment that you have been waiting for. So I want you to realize, yes, it takes effort, yes it's not easy, but it's not hard either. Staying and remaining in anxiety and panic is the most difficult path that you could choose. And honoring somebody's request for space is the best way for you to move forward as you take your focus and place it in these things that we've highlighted here in our conversation today. And if you will do this, I want you to know that the success rate of couples who actually focus on their relationships with their selves and skill building actually increase by 42% compared to those who don't, who continue to chase the panic and the trickery and the defensiveness and the stubbornness to not do these things. My last super tips here are do not disrespect your partner for wanting space. Respect their request for space. Don't bombard them with texts and phone calls. Do use this time to focus on and understand yourself and your own personal emotional growth because you are the best thing that you can bring to the table to co create with your person and you're going to need them to show up and do the same. But you want to make sure you can do your part heart. Don't punish them or retaliate emotionally against them for being and finding themselves in this place. The truth is there's probably been a lot of challenges that have brought us to this moment on both sides of the equation. See if you can see those places and spaces clearly and do create some clear agreements around the expectations for communication, household chores, children, the logistics, all the things that you know are going to continue to play out in this time of space and separation. And don't assume the worst or jump to conclusions about their intentions or what this means for your overall relationship. Because you know what, you're just making up a bunch of things from your own place of fear and insecurity. And if you do that, you're going to probably behave in such a way that's going to make that inevitable. So stop, slow down, focus on the things that you know you need to focus on. Get a project, breathe. Use your four box method and let's navigate through this place and space together.

And join the roadmap.

If you're listening live, we start January 5th right after the New year. And if you join, you have access to some preliminary resources right now.

Yep, I was just going to say that. So we had a question on Black Friday. They said if I join, am I going to have to wait until January to learn anything? And I said nope, the portal is filled up with some bonus resources and you'll have access to the portal. You'll be in it right after you sign the confidentiality agreement, which everyone signs by the way so you can ask us questions if you're feeling panicked and we'll be there to support you. Also, I wanted to just take a second and tell people that this will be our fifth round of the roadmap and our members who have joined us for all of those roadmaps have felt maybe a little nervous about the community aspect at first, but they've also made lifelong friendships. They still text to this day. They talk all the time, and it's been a really great addition to their life to have people who understand exactly what they're going through.

Yeah, the community part is the magic sauce. This really is a very sacred experience. So if you're feeling stuck and unsure how to navigate this place of space and separation, our roadmap will absolutely help you turn your uncertainty into clarity and your panic into empowerment. Government and many people have walked this path before you and have wonderful things to say. And you can see what other people have to say about this experience that have traveled this path before you by visiting the link that is in the show notes here. It will take you to all the juicy details about our road map. If you know this is something you'd like to explore further, Let's step up into our Follow the Fun, shall we? And today's Follow the Fun is something that I have been making a conscious effort of doing myself and is an immense help when you're going through a place of panic and space and separation.

Hanging out in trees, aren't you?

Yes, I am hanging out in trees. And I had a very interesting experience today where I was hearing one woman share with another about all the dastardly things that her partner had done that had been rude and considered terrible. And you know what her answer was? Well, she just slept in the other bedroom and then didn't talk to him when he went off to work. And I, I'm sitting in the tree going, oh my gosh. Okay, be still. This isn't the moment to spring out and go, I can help you with that. Immerse yourself in nature. Here's the thing. Walks in nature decrease your cortisol levels. It improves your concentration. Getting some dirt on your skin will boost your serotonin. Nature also boosts your immune system, which are all really very helpful things right now, wouldn't you say?

This is Stacy, not just because she likes to hang out in trees. This is verifiable, scientifically proven benefits that we have.

It also builds connections with yourself and all living things because it's where we come from. So if you will gift yourself Especially if you're like spinning in anxiety or depression. Get out, breathe in some fresh air and some sun, sunshine. Connect with something that's living. Not just observe it and label it, but actually experience it. Smell it, feel that tree. I have this tree that gives me a wonderful hug every day when I visit it. It's best hug ever. Getting out in nature is an incredible experience that will really, really support and help you during this time. So take advantage of it. And our song for this episode is a beautiful song by Jen Gadda. It's an instrumental, but the video is absolutely fantastic. It's a song called Oriole and it is absolutely breathtaking. Where she herself gives demonstrations through visual prompts and imagination about what it feels like when we reconnect with the nature of who we are and the nature of where it is we come from. Thank you so much for spending your time with us here today. We wish you nothing but good things and I assure you that nothing but good things, good things are coming your way. This will pass. Take the opportunities that we've talked about here in our conversation today and know that things will be good again. Slow down, breathe and use this as an opportunity. Not the end of anything, but a beautiful beginning of something better.

This Roadmap experience. I mean, each one we have, it gets better and better. We've got people that have been through the Roadmap, not only in addition to Stacy, Brook and I, but other people that are mentors that have been through the process that are also going to be assisting you on your way as well. So it really is a unique experience. We'd love to have you join us.

Thanks for being here with us today. It's been a pleasure sending you all off with a big hug and a squeeze. Look forward to connecting with you here again soon inside the Love Shack. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.