#207: The Antidote to Overthinking: What to Do When Your Partner Needs Space

When your partner asks for space, it's like the ground beneath you starts to shift. Suddenly nothing feels certain. The questions in your mind won't stop. What did I do wrong? What does this mean? How do I fix it? How do I get them to come back? In the middle of the confusion, it's easy to retreat, to pull away from others, convinced no one can truly understand what you're going through. And instead of clarity, we tend to isolate. The isolation leaves you feeling more lost and stuck than ever. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone standing at a relationship crossroads, feeling the daily weight of conflict, and longing to rebuild a bond that feels real and lasting. I'm Stacy Bartley, your relationship mentor, and with me is my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke. Together, we've spent years guiding individuals and couples through the ups and downs of love, helping them find clarity and confidence in even the roughest moments. And today, we're confronting a common trap. The belief that isolating yourself after your partner asks for space will somehow protect you from the suffering and actually give you the ability to fix it. I get it. We don't know what to do, so then we pull back and we do nothing. That seems like the logical choice, especially when we don't want to make a bigger mess. Here's the thing you need to know, though. It won't fix anything, and it certainly won't stop your suffering. In fact, it often makes things worse. So what should you do instead? How do you break free from the quicksand of the isolation trap and find a way to move forward that strengthens and supports you while navigating through this insufferable place? In this episode, we'll share why isolation isn't the answer and introduce you to a lifeline you might not even realize you need.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Let's talk about the isolation trap. First, though, I want you to understand why that tendency that we have as a human being to pull back and isolate is strong. But why we often pay an insufferable price with it. Isolation is a very common reaction, and it comes from fear and judgment of self and others. It's when we don't know what to do, and it feels chaotic and scrambled and confusing. We, as a human being naturally pull within in order to make sense of the world in which we live in. That's a good thing. It's kind of working on the premise that if there's chaos within me, I don't know how to navigate the world around me. So I. We have this tendency to all of a sudden pull within so that we can figure out things for myself first before we step and resume our life in the world. But here's what we tend to do. We pull back and then we hang out there. We get comfortable there. We don't know how to pull back and gain the information and the footing that we need in order to re emerge. The re emerging part is the part that we have a really difficult time with. It's kind of like we need to deal with the next steps once we found a grounded sense of self to. But we don't know how to even do that part, which I believe is why we stay stuck in the isolation trap in the first place. So I hang out there for far too long.

And I would say that we're not able to even think of a possible re emergence unless it's like it used to be.

When we pull back in these situations, it makes me think of the saying we're only as sick as our secrets because we're pulling back in a time when we're probably as sick as we've ever been. Going along with that saying because we're not telling the truth about the situation to anyone around us because we want to be isolated. You're pulling in when you really need so much support in that moment. You know, you need other people to pull you out of those holes because what you're ruminating about isn't true. You're making up the craziest circumstances in your head and you're believing that they're true. And then you're isolating and you're ruminating and you're obsessing about those thoughts and you're making it worse. The isolation isn't leading to any solutions. You're staying in that terrible stuff and making it worse by not reaching out.

Well, and the biggest problem is I often don't want to look at it myself. Not only do I not want others to know, I really don't want to know me myself. And so then it becomes this internal struggle of conflict. Because sometimes the biggest culprit of trying to keep secrets is to keeping secrets from myself. By not telling the truth about what really is and facing it head on, we have a tendency to want to avoid those emotions altogether. And I truly start to buy into the idea that if I can just get things to go back the way they were, if I can just get my person to be here with me now, then everything is going to be fine. And what we have a tendency to dismiss Is all the things that led to this moment in the first place. We recently had one of our better Love club members have an aha. Moment in his own evolution and progression of transformation. Go. Oh, wow. Stace and Tom and Brooke. I now understand why if I were to just get my person to come home, nothing would have been better. Would it have? And we all went, yeah, you got it. Because that's the elusive quality of the continuation of living in pretend and illusion. If I just get them to come home and not address what really drove us here in the first place. Because I don't want to look at my part, My partner doesn't want to look at their part. But just come home and this will be fine.

So, yeah, you can go back to pretending everything is fine. But I think one of the things that we don't ask in space and separation is, do I really even want that old relationship? If I was sitting in a room and someone was presenting me options of different flavors of relationships, would I choose the one I had, or would I choose something better and healthier and more functional? We don't ever ask that because we don't think it's a possibility. And I'm not even saying that you have to switch partners. You can have a better, more functional, healthy relationship with your same partner, but it's going to require tools and skills and leveling up in a way that you never have before. But I think we all think, no, I want that old thing. Because we don't realize that there are other things that are possible.

Well, and let's just be honest. I mean, the revision back to what is familiar for us is. I said this, I think, in our last Monday night's call. That's the strongest drug out there. It's a bit stronger than anything. And us included, I mean, no, just give me what I used to have. I'll take that over anything that's for all of us. So that is so strong. It's unbelievable how strong that is. Let's just be honest.

And now you layer that with fear and judgment from friends and family.

Oh, my gosh.

You layer that with fear of burning bridges. What if we reconcile and now my family hates them? We layer that with embarrassment and shame that I'm finding myself in this situation to begin with. I don't want anybody to know. And then, you know, the belief that no one will ever understand, and I'm the only one that really knows what I'm going through, and I can't reveal all the things that have happened. I would be so embarrassed. And this very real toll of isolation is now really a problem because I'm left with my own thoughts. And so I'm just going to let you take a moment and soak in what we just said because now I'm going to talk to you about contrast. The problem with isolation is I'm left by myself to resource only from my own thoughts and perspectives. And this is why we need human beings in our life so much. A two way street where yes, I need to connect with myself, that's important, I need to understand myself first and foremost. But if that's all I'm drawing from, I'm going to have a tendency to come to conclusions that simply just aren't so as well as I'm only going to be able to solve my own problems and dilemmas to a certain degree because I'm not going to be able to think outside of what it is I don't already know. This is where other people become such a helpful resource because their, their stories help me see parts and pieces of myself that maybe I've been avoiding or not wanting to look at for a long time. Other people's ideas and situations and circumstances are going to create ideas within my own circumstance and situation that I would have never dreamed of being possible. And so in this place where I have people who are going through the same place and space I am, it helps me 1 feel like I'm not alone, 2 feel like I'm not crazy, 3, it also creates contrast with which I can see and understand myself, my situation and my circumstances from a variety of perspectives. Which is so important because if left to my own thinking, I will implode on myself with my own personal doubt and insecurity. And that's what we do. I'll just spin it into something where it's self deprecating, it's minimizing, it's critical. I can turn into a conversation very quickly of it's all my fault, I should have known better. How could I have gone along with this? Why have I been such a sucker? All of these things are the places and spaces where we start to resource when we get lost in our own thinking.

I was also going to say it can be very dismantling in a good way for people who struggle with anxiety like I do. You can talk yourself into believing stories about you or your partner that are just literally crazy because you can't stop spiraling in your own head. I'll use my hypochondria as an example here. I can convince myself that I have some terminal disease and I need to go to the hospital and I literally can start manifesting the symptoms of it physically and I can be so like 100% sure that I'm going to die in 30 minutes, but if I just talk with someone about it, it can instantly disappear. It can bring me back down to earth so quickly. And then I will literally say, oh my gosh, I can't believe I was just thinking that. The same thing happens in our Better Love Club in our roadmap. Our members will come and they'll do the thing I just said where, oh my God, my partner said this and I'm thinking this and I can't believe I'm so stupid. And someone will respond with a comment saying, hey, whoa, calm down, that's not true. Have you considered this, this and this? And then the same thing happens. We're like, you talked me off a ledge. I can't believe I was thinking that. Thank you so much. A real example of why community in these critical times in your life where you don't feel like you have someone in your life that can do that for you because they're biased. That's why communities with people like this who are going through similar, similar things.

Are so important with a lack of contrast. We're going to also have a lack of positive influences and perspectives which will keep us stuck in the negative thought patterns. And it's going to amplify the obsessive thinking and the ruminating and the spiraling, just like Brooke described. This is why when we spend too much time in this place of isolation, I'm going to give you some signs that you're spending too much time by yourself because I want you to be able to see this. The no no's after your partner asks for space happen because I'm too isolated. I've pulled within and I'm starting to spiral in this thinking that we're talking about and that we're highlighting. And I think what Brooke pointed out that's so true too, is that we can believe it. So much so that we start to manifest the signs and symptoms. It goes to show how powerful we are as human beings to create the things that we wholeheartedly believe are true, even though they are mired in pretend and illusion, even though they're mired in our fears and our doubts and our insecurities and they're not coming from a place of principle or truth. This is where our own sense of self and mental health and well being becomes compromised, is when we're spending too Much time in isolation. And if you think about it, people who really struggle with mental health, I just want you to contemplate for a moment how much time they spend in isolation outside of the influence of other thoughts and perspectives that could actually shed a contrast or a layer of contrast on that that would help them then pull themselves out of it and ground them in new thoughts and new perspectives that they can't come to on their own because they're only resourcing from their own thoughts and their own experiences. I could not be more passionate about this because any of us left to our own devices will eventually implode on ourselves. So isolation and pulling back and finding some quiet time to find my own footing. Great. Good. Love that. Do it. It's healthy. And spend all the time you need and not one second more before. Then you then go the other way and you engage and you live and you take a doing step where you expose yourself to new thoughts, perspectives and ideas.

Yeah. And I think, okay, that's fine. Tom, Stacy, Brook. Like, well, how the heck am I supposed to find other people that are going through this very significant transition like, I am? Great question. Well, we've got a great answer.

And you have to have discernment. Like.

Yeah, I mean, this is.

Stacy touched on it just a second ago. But getting this community from your parents or your brother or your sister or your friends is not the best option because like she said, when you hopefully reconcile with your partner that you're experiencing space from, you don't want your family to think, here comes the shithead, you know, like, it's important to maintain those boundaries a little bit with sharing all of the sensitive details of what's happening in your relationship.

Yeah, exactly. They can't be objective.

Why?

Because they love you. Just like Brooks said, I would be more concerned if they did have that ability. Because they love you, they're always going to take your side. That's not meant from a place of not doing the right thing. It's simply because they love you and they don't want to see you suffer. But that's really where it takes some support oftentimes to truly look at things objectively. And it's not picking who's right and who's wrong. This is all about getting you to a place to where you are experiencing momentum and also a sense of connection with others that are going through a similar challenge. And where do you find that?

I want to just go back and make sure that we deliver on what we promised, though. Like, signs that you are spending too much time alone because it gets so difficult to manage ourselves in this place and space. We become, like, obsessive and we become in this illusionary place where we can, like, justify doing anything. And so we have a tendency to obsess over every single text or action that is had. Any little exchange will be up all night, like, dissecting every word that was said, whether it was spoken or in a text or an email. We'll be scrolling social media to see what we can pick up from any picture or engagement or posting. We've had clients where they've started tracking their partners. They've started secretly posting an account so that they can check up on them and see what they're doing, as though that's going to give them some great intel and information about what the truth and the reality is. And the crazy thing is it creates more dysfunction in your thinking because you're left to your own ideas and your own perspectives of this and there is no ability to vet it out. And so it turns into a horror picture very, very quickly. More information is not your friend because it can be interpreted in so many different ways. And the evidence that I use commonly to highlight the truth and the reality of this is when I do live workshops and I have a hundred people in the and I show a simple object like an apple or an umbrella or a zebra, and I go around the room and ask people to tell me what it is they believe is true or what comes up for them when they look at this very simple picture. Do you know that I have yet to have all hundred people in the room come up with the same perspective? Everybody has some variant about what that apple is. Some people will say, I love apple pie. Some people will say, it makes me think of my grandpa because he had an apple orchard. And I used to go every summer and we would pick apples and somebody else would say, oh, I hate apples, because my mom would always make me can them with her in the kitchen. Like, it makes me think of the color red, a forest that apple tree would stand in. And we're just talking about one simple little picture. And now think about how convoluted it can get when we have very complex emotions and thoughts that we're trying to dissect and understand in this space and place. Especially when I'm coming from a place of probably doubt and fear and insecurity in the first place. A word can mean a million things and strung together in a sentence can mean a million more. And so we think that we're on point as we Go back in time and associate with all these things and connect the dots and write these narratives. But often we couldn't be more wrong. And there is nobody to serve as a check and balance there to vet these out with. So every little thing starts to mean something. You're overanalyzing every word and every interaction of your partner instead of focusing on your own behavior. We justify breaking agreements and promises about how we're going to rudder through this place and space of separation and say things that we don't really mean and regret. In the end, my own behavior starts to tank. And as one client said to me, I'm turning into a monster of myself that I. I can't even stand in my anxiety of trying to think that if you would just come home, I would feel so much better, or if you would just do or stop doing this other thing, I would feel so much better. Anxiety takes control, and without support and tools, we won't be able to manage it. So those are all very simple signs that you are way too stuck in your head and you're spending way too much time alone by yourself. And it becomes unbearable some nights. It becomes just suffocating. I can't even breathe. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't do any of these things because all I can do is think about these things. And in this place and space, the sad truth and reality is we're creating so much of our own personal suffering around this because we don't know what else to do. So if you're doing any of those things, please don't walk, Run to getting into a place where you have contrast, you have support, you have a place to share, vet your ideas out, get a check and balance going on. You know, at the very least, sign up for some of our resources to kind of help you down a different path and help you look at these things from a very different perspective. It's critically important that you do because left to your own thoughts, you're going to continue to weave this horror picture of get your popcorn, get your Coke. And that escalation will continue to perpetuate more and more suffering inside of yourself. Okay, so let's switch it a little bit. Brooke already touched on this, but let's just touch on it one more time. Why? Talking to friends and family can be exceptionally tricky. They love you, they support you, and I don't want you to not use your support system as a support system. It's critically important during these places and spaces that you do. But some of the Challenges that you're going to run into have already been touched on, which is the first being they're biased. They're going to judge your partner, and you're going to have an easy time getting all the validation you need from your perspective that you're on solid ground. If I was having a difficult time with Tom, I know that I could go to my sister or my best friend and lay the story out for her and she'd go, geez, what an asshole. And she wouldn't help me see that maybe I'm being an asshole too. That conversation would never come up. And I probably am being an asshole too, because of what I know about the cause and effect of relationships and how it relates to what I'm making up as true, that it doesn't take long between the narrative that I'm running and the evidence that I'm gathering that then my behavior starts to follow suit. So I show up and treat you as this thing that I believe you are, and then you're going to treat me back like that thing that I am. And now we're going to have a fight about who's the bigger asshole and not necessarily the truth of what it is we need to do to get through through it.

I always think about, you know, every bad guy in someone's story is someone's favorite person.

Well, and sometimes we ourselves don't understand the full story. Yeah, I. I really don't understand what my partner is thinking and feeling because I don't ever give a space and a place to talk about that. I'm too busy trying to push an agenda because I feel like I've got it all figured out. I am so certain that you need to stop doing these things and start doing these other things and then our relationship would be just fine. And if we're banging heads about what those things, then we don't understand it enough yet. Right. I don't understand my partner's perspective enough in order to find the solutions that we need to truly be on the same page and go forward in a better way. So the second thing that is lacking, not only are they biased, nobody has walked the miles in your shoes, nobody knows the nuances of your personal relationship. And yet isn't it ironic that everyone is going to start showing up, having an opinion about what you should and.

Shouldn'T do, but also it's going to be purely based in what they have experienced in their own relationships.

Exactly. And that's. That's why it's so ironic. And the truth is they don't know what your experience is like. They've not lived and breathed and walked the miles in your shoes that you have. And yet we to ask people all the time, and people ask us all the time to be honest, what should I do? Well, nobody should tell you what to do. A true mentor will just help you discover and uncover those answers for yourself. Because the reality is, I don't know. Brooke doesn't know. Tom doesn't know. Your sister doesn't know. Your mother doesn't know. She doesn't eat, drink, and sleep with this person that you're trying to understand. In this life that you've set out to create, there's only one person who's going to live with the results of your choices, and that's you. So it's really easy to sit outside the ring of the experience and say, well, you should just do this, or, you know, this is what's really going on. Or haven't you done that yet? Why are you still doing that? I can't believe you haven't done fill in the blank yet without realizing nobody has the right to do that. Because there's so many things that if you don't understand it by living and breathing it every moment of every day 24 7, do you really think the person you're trying to ask advice from does? And so a true teacher mentor helps you find those answers for yourself so that you will feel good about the choices and the decisions that you're making that affect only your life. When everyone has an opinion, that's great, but you need to sort those choices and opinions out for yourself and then make the call. Because you're going to be the only one that lives with the consequences of that choice.

I think that the reason why there is so much pain in this place of space and separation is because so many people try to make those decisions before they've done the investigation. You know, so once you have done the investigation and you've asked the questions that you need to ask and you have the answers in your heart that you've been looking for, making the decision is the easiest thing you'll ever do. Really. I'm not saying there's not fallout from maybe ending a relationship or having to deal with the kids and, you know, make sure that they're good and all of that stuff. But I'm saying when you make a decision that way, you're so empowered and you're like, no, I know 100% that this is the thing I'm supposed to do. That is where we want you to be when you're going to make these very important choices, not the other way around where you're like, I don't know, I'm just going to choose one and then see what happens.

Commonly, that's where it happens because we don't know what to do and how to figure it out. And so we'll just wait until the heat of the moment and the last straw that broke the camel's back, it's that default option. Yes. And we'll go, that's it. I guess this is the end. And I will end it in the heat of a moment. And I'm going to just challenge that perspective and belief and experience that we've all had that's so common in the way that we manage this difficulty, difficult challenge that we're in. And I'm going to say, I want you to make a decision in the quiet moments because you know, it's the best decision, not in the heat of the moment in any grand escalation. That is not when we should be making the decision. We should be making the decision in the quiet moments of self reflection and understanding and clarity.

Clarity is an incredible thing. And because we've all been in a similar situation of what we're describing and what you as a listener may be experiencing, it's incredibly hard. We call this the land of maybe. You know, some days yes, some days no, some days maybe so. And it is incredibly hard to have a sense of clarity that Stacy just described is when you should encourage you to make this very important decision, what you're going to do in this quiet moment where you're feeling calm and collected.

So we are, in this conversation today, going to do everything in our power to enroll you into an idea and a perspective of community. And you're gonna go, hell no. Absolutely not. I don't even want to look at this for myself, let alone share it with a bunch of strangers that I don't even know. And you know, the majority of our roadmappers had to overcome that obstacle in order to accomplish all the incredible ahas of transformation. That place for them here is what we know to be true. We believe in our isolation, that stepping into a place of community is not the answer, without realizing the distinction is stepping into a place of community is exactly what you need. And the thing that comes up for you when you contemplate it is all the fear and insecurity around it. But here's the thing I want you to know. The emotional benefits of community are profound. Being part of a Community fosters connection, belonging, a sense of emotional support, which are crucial for your overall well being right now when you're journeying through a very difficult place. We're not going to be able to often accomplish this on our own in secret, because there's no contrast, because there's no safe place, because I don't have the tools, the understanding and the know how to look at it on my own and in my own accord. So I continue to spiral in obsession, fear, doubt, desperation, depression, anxiety, which then starts to absolutely 100% compromise my own sense of emotional value and my sense of worth. Huge benefits include the contrast I've talked about. I cannot overemphasize that being a part of a diverse community exposes you to various perspectives, positive, often perspectives. It's so amazing as we watch this unfold in our community that somebody shares a really difficult day and there's somebody that comes right behind that is probably having a difficult day too. But they're telling this person from a positive influence place exactly what it is they long to hear for themselves. And it talks everybody off the ledge. It exposes you to emotional intelligence and problem solving abilities as well that you may or may not have right now by the exchange of them. Sometimes we remember, oh my gosh, that's right, I forgot all about that. I know how to do that. My mom did that, my sister did that, my brother did that. I was so mired in my own fear and doubt, I forgot. Thank you so much. Help me remember. Or, gosh, I've never thought of it like that. That's amazing that, wow, I can do that too. Your story, even though the circumstances are different, sounds a lot like mine. And you're looking at some things that are pretty difficult. Gosh, maybe I can find the courage to look at those myself too. They are incredibly rewarding and it's amazing where it creates this safe place in order to do all those things I've just mentioned. You're also going to feel included in a group so that you're not isolated. There's a place of identity and you get a sense with a few days that your presence here and your shares and your contributions truly matter to other people. And we watch it blossom and play out over time. It's absolutely the remedy for loneliness because it fosters a sense of being understood and valued, even though you might be sharing a difficult time. And you, what you share resonates with another person that goes, oh my gosh, you've expressed that so great. Or I've never thought of it like that. Thank you so much. I feel so much better. I so relate to what you're going through. And this place is priceless. It is absolutely priceless. The emotional support also is a space where you can share your struggles and not be judged or criticized. You don't have to worry about breaking somebody's heart or disappointing somebody who's close to you by the things that you're going to share and say. That's the beauty of strangers in the beginning is hey, they're just people that are on the same journey and whether they agree or don't agree or identify with what you're going through or not, who cares? It doesn't matter. It's the reason why we seek out mentors and therapists, people who are unbiased and unattached to the outcome. There's no skin in the game, so you can share and not feel like there's judgment or criticism or belittling of any kind. They don't know you, they don't know your life. But what's interesting in that same safe place, it turns into be this very dynamic, connected place as well, where we realize and start understanding that I'm not so different than others, that even though my circumstances are different, that what I'm going through is the same. And so then there's birth of this experience of empathy and encouragement from people who really know because they relate and are living through it it too right along with you. And this creates a genuine support during your times of challenge. And this will automatically reduce stress and promote a sense of resiliency within us. As other people start to have AHAs in the group, it has this trickle down effect where you start to have AHAs and awareness in the group and you believe that you're capable and can do it too. And then you go, what if Sally can do that? Well, hell, maybe I can too. It starts to change our perspectives on what we thought was possible for us and not. These regular social interactions within a community will also decrease your feelings of isolation and depression. These shared experiences lead to greater emotional stability and self esteem where you feel validated for what you're feeling, what you're going through and the perspectives that are sometimes agreed with but sometimes challenged too. That's a good thing. That's the contrast that we've been talking about. An encouragement for others and from others. It goes both ways. As you give encouragement, you start to find your inner wisdom that you're pretty damn smart and you know exactly what it is you need to do. But it's difficult to find that inside of us when I'm just imploding in my own fear and insecurity. But it's really easy to find when I'm cheering on somebody else who I identify as on the same place as me. And that's how we teach others and we listen. And it's this place where I share what it is I probably need to be understanding and learning from myself. I remember a mentor of mine saying, stace, you're going to always teach what it is you need to learn. Because when I talk, I understand some things that I need to remember. I need to know myself that I've forgotten. So encouragement for others will absolutely boost your motivation and your self esteem. And there's this beautiful sense of security within yourself that begins to emerge. This is a place and a space where this type of support begins to alleviate the fears and the anxiety and reduce your feelings of being afraid of vulnerability. So that then what emerges is a confidence inside of yourself, a surety inside of yourself. And I want to just touch on confidentiality really momentarily here because we sometimes think that, oh, everybody's gonna know my stuff, you know, And I was raised, I'll just take ownership of that. Don't air your dirty laundry, right? Don't let anybody know the stuff that you've got going on without realizing. No, if I do, I'm gonna find a whole group of people who relate to what it is I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing and then we can learn from each other. But we take confidentiality in the roadmap up very seriously. Each and every person has to sign or they don't gain access. They have to sign a confidentiality agreement to ensure a safe space for everyone. And it is a zero tolerance policy. You violate the confidentiality agreement, you're out. And here's the really good news. We've never had to throw anybody out. Never. Not once. Because the richness of what's being experienced in there far outweighs any desire to try and play some trickery.

It's a very safe, sacred place. And by the end of the roadmap, all of us on the graduation call are crying because it's over.

It's so true. And that brings me to the last point that I want you to be aware of when it comes to community, dare I say, in this moment of suffering, that there's a tremendous amount of joy and celebration that is experienced in this space. And I know that's probably really hard for you to wrap your head around right now, but the reason why the joy and the celebration happens is because we realize that we're stronger than what we're going through. We realize that we have the understanding, the principles, the knowledge, the community, the foundation, the support, the resiliency to be okay in the end, however this goes. And that is why the joy and the celebration happens. It amplifies the possibilities for these things as well as it creates lasting, positive transformation and memories that will travel with you for the rest of your life.

I just had a thought. Stacy works with people privately, one on one, in addition to all the small group work that we do. So, babe, what would you say? I know this is something we as a family talk about all the time. Most people, I think it's fair to say, I don't want to, you know, generally speak without. Without any context. At least in our world. Most people think when they have a problem in their relationship, they need to go talk to someone privately. This is everything that we're doing. I know you think, oh gosh, there's just no way. So what would you say? What's the difference that you see this? Over 10 years we've been doing this individual and these small groups, what. What's not able to be gained. And I'm going to brag on you, you're really good working with people individually, you are. But what is not available there, that is in a small group program, like.

We'Re describing, the sense of comm. If I am feeling nervous about sharing my experience with other people, then it tells me that I'm just not in a place where I want to expose myself to such a degree. And okay, that's good. I'll honor that. We'll honor that. But what we often don't know until we've done some kind of group work is that there is a commonality in our stories that is so profound that it. It really brings us back to the root of being a human being. And I don't know how to create that in a one on one. I can't create that on a one on one call. Imagine this for a moment like this is for real. For real happened not just once, but every time we run the roadmap where there will be. I'm not going to use his name and it's going to be really hard for me to talk about this without crying. But it was a person that was terrified to be in the community, let's just say that. And this person, by all accounts, had been very marginalized in his life many times because of his race, his background, his Family of origin, his spiritual beliefs. He just so happened to be a musician. And as he stepped into this community, this community surrounded him. And for the first time probably in his whole entire life, he did not feel alone. Where he came from didn't matter. His family of origin didn't matter. All that matters is that we could see an incredible human being with a tremendous amount talent that everybody acknowledged and appreciated. Like he finally, for the first time felt like he mattered somewhere and that what he brought to the table was important and valuable. And I'll tell you what, I'll walk to the ends of the earth to create that experience for one single human being in my life because it matters, it counts. And I can't create that in a one on one. I can create that in a community because it's not just me telling you what I see and what's possible. It's not just me that is telling you it's going to be okay and that life is going to go on. You've got a whole community that's telling you that. And I can't do that on my own.

I've watched it on our members faces when they realize that someone who's speaking in the group had a very similar experience to them when it comes to space and separation and it's like their shoulders go down. You know, it's an unbelievable gift to them, them to realize that they are not the only person that went through this crazy experience and that they're literally sitting on a zoom call watching someone else explain something that they are going through. There's just such a relief that you're not crazy, you're not alone. I always say to our members, you guys are not unique. Not to be mean, to comfort them that the things they're going through are just principles of being a human. It's because the only reason these things are happening is, is because you don't have the skills you need to get through relationships in a better way. That's it. It's not because you're bad. It's not because you're stupid. It's not because you're not good enough. It's not because you know you're terrible at relationships. It's a lack of skills. So if everyone in the room is experiencing the same lack of skills, everyone then is on the same playing field and everyone is equal. And we can all start from there. It's such a positive way to frame a sucky situation. We cannot provide that to you in a traditional counseling setting because none of the clients are allowed to speak to each other. That's why this is so neat. Our members have become friends. I know we said this in the last episode. Our roadmap members have become lifelong friends. So much so that one roadmapper who has been in Better Love Club since it was over, finally convinced, convinced her other friend who was a roadmapper to join Better Love Club last week. And that roadmap was probably six months ago. So it's just a really cool community of people that never would have met each other if it wasn't for this. They build each other up and they have created a sense of community that we have been begging for since 2014. And it's really incredible that it's finally real and it's even better than we.

Could, could have imagined. I love to. Recently we took a break for Thanksgiving holiday here in the United States. And yes, we have people, you know, in Canada and the UK and those kinds of things. And come to find out, they sent us a picture in spite of us taking a break. They were all gathered on Zoom. The caption was, I guess when the parents are away, you know, the community will play something along those lines. Little stinkers have gotten together without us. And I couldn't have been more honored to know that not only was it a group connection that was happening, they really valued each other and the input that they felt amongst themselves. They were willing to take the initiative to make it happen even though we weren't making it happen. Like, that's. That's the epitome of what you would want, a community.

I would say it's the ultimate compliment.

Ultimate compliment.

And it didn't even involve us.

And now I'm thinking of a quote, and I don't know who said it it when I learned it, but I love the idea that the reality is there's a piece of everyone in us. So when we look into the eyes of another human, there's a piece of us that we're struggling to understand, or there's a piece of us that seems exceptionally familiar. And I think in a community, you get to see and gather up all the parts and pieces of yourself that you forgot maybe sometimes existed or that you had abandoned and cast by the wayside. And so in that place and space, every face that stares back at you helps you regain and understand all those parts and pieces of ourselves. I know that's certainly been true in the many, many community groups that I've participated in. And community groups are transformative because they offer us things we can't get in a Simple way.

Well, and I would just add that especially when you're going through this significant of a transition, I mean, if you've ever been through anything that's been very challenging, you had the great fortune to potentially join others that were going through that. I would would assert that that was a very profound experience for you and probably hasn't happened often again. And I would say without question, that's what's happened. And this will be our fifth roadmap coming up. I would say there's no question a number of those people that have been in the prior four, many of them are still working with us in our Better Love club now because they didn't want the experience to end.

Yes, very much so. And we, you know, isn't it so cool that we get to do what we get to do because we get to participate and watch this thing expand and exp. Expand and expand. So the roadmap is a very unique experience where you're going to self focus on sound principles and practical skills that will absolutely help you create a solid foundation for yourself as you're going through this very chaotic, crazy spiral making anxiety ridden, insufferable place inside of you. This community is a very safe and supportive environment with people who truly understand what you're going through because they've been through it themselves. We have awesome roadmap mentors who have gone through the road roadmap itself and they are in there supporting people who are stepping in for the first time to help them see some of the wonderful benefits of being part of a community. Because we know, we absolutely know as a trio that we are challenging the common narrative around this space. And so you have to appreciate that our willingness to challenge this narrative comes from a very impassioned place because we've seen what is possible. If you'll please, please just get over your own fears and insecurities around it. What you've been told is true. That you need to do this in secret and in isolation by yourself is a lie. I don't know how else to say it, but say it very courageously and bravely like that. Like what you need is community and support so that you can remember the parts and pieces of yourself that are important, that matter, that are invaluable, and that you can reclaim what is possible for you regardless, regardless of how this experience goes for you in your current situation and state. Like that is what is here for you. And I. I will shout it from the rooftops and I will stand by that till the day I leave this planet. This is a work that we are honored and privileged to do and we know firsthand, having lived through it ourselves and having witnessed what is possible in these communities and the groups, that we could not encourage you enough if you've resonated with with anything that we've said, right? If you're in this difficult place, please, for the love of heaven, reach out and join the community and stop spiraling in your places and spaces of isolation and secrecy because it will not help you navigate through this in the very best way possible. For sure. There's a couple of testimonials that I feel inspired to just share with you from some of our roadmap communities and the first one is from Amanda and she had this to say about her experience of community inside of the roadmap. She said the roadmap community brought me a sense of validation and comfort. Like, think about that for a minute. What would that do for you in this moment? She also went on to say, discovering that not only do I possess an intrinsic source of peace and healing within myself, but being reminded that I wasn't alone on this journey and others sharing my experience with something I really valued and appreciated because that's what happens here. Or there's Doug. The roadmap sessions really helped me feel that I'm not alone in this experience. And I've learned a lot from everyone's shared contributions to this group. It's also helped me understand myself better. The roadmap sessions have helped me become more confident in myself. It empowered me to share and speak up when sharing my thoughts with and feelings openly with my wife life. And I feel now that I am worthy that one makes me cry every damn time. I feel now that I'm worthy of receiving and giving love and no matter how this goes, I'm going to be okay. Like there is no better place to stand when we're spiraling in the thoughts and the feelings of God. Am I going to be okay? So my overall takeaways I hope that you're gleaning from our conversation today is isolation is absolutely not the answer are and community and self focus are you don't have to do this alone. The first step is to reach out and join a community where you're going to find validation, understanding, a foundation of strength that you can stand on and the ability to navigate through some very difficult places along with a little bit of comfort and dare I say, joy. Can we even think about that right now in this insufferable moment? Moment. And I'm going to boldly Say absolutely. You can, you can learn more about and join love and limbo 30 day roadmap@loveandlimboroadmap.com or you can go to staceybartly.com and hit the Work with me page and it will also pop up there. Any final thoughts on that team?

Yeah. I just want to say if you are feeling any sort of pull to join us for the roadmap, do it. Like, don't wait one more second in this terrible place of spiraling and obsessing and anxiety that I am all too familiar with and take the chance and join us. Because I think when we are left to our own devices in these places, we make a lot of choices that we wouldn't make if we had someone to help us, you know, and we can get really burnt out and fry our nervous system system and do all of these things that we don't necessarily need to do if we would just trust someone else to guide us. And we like to say that for the Roadmap you just have to get in the car and we'll drive, you know. So what would you do for 30 days where you didn't have to think about what you need to do in this space? You don't have to do any of those things because we're going to tell you exactly what you need to do for 30 days and I think that's probably invaluable. Having the community and the daily meditations and all of the things that come along with it, it's just icing on the cake.

I would also say if you're listening to this live, the roadmap officially doesn't start till January 5, but there's preliminary resources inside the portal once you enroll. And then you also have access to us because once you've signed the confidentiality agreement and get inside of our portal, you can direct message us. And no one sees that direct message but Brooke and Stacy and I, none of anybody else that's already inside the portal. So you have access. Get started now. I know we're all right on if here in the, you know, well, everywhere I guess, you know, we're coming to the holidays and the New Year's a lot of. But you can start now. So gift yourself this gift and you have access to some preliminary resources that have been carefully curated and put in the to the portal as well as you have access to us.

There's also a three pay plan so you can join us and you can break up your roadmap tuition into three payments payments because we want this to be available to everybody.

And the last thing that I would say is if you're on the fence and you notice that there's a lot of fear and doubt and insecurity coming up around this idea of what we've talked about today of community, well, there's even really good news. I have this incredible man that I get the privilege and honor of living with and he does this little thing called clarity calls and he's going to be able to help you work through some of those fears and doubts and insecurities. So you can talk to him them and ask your questions, thereby kind of gaining some of the assurances that maybe you need in some of these places and spaces. And if he truly believes that it's not a good fit for you, he's going to be honest and tell you like, we don't want you to do this if you don't feel like it's the right time, place or space. But he'll be able to help you navigate that. So you can sign up for a clarity call on our website as well. So take advantage of that. If you're on the fence or it brings up a lot of stuff inside of you, you don't worry. Just sign up for a clarity call and have a conversation about it. Tom is really, really good at helping you kind of navigate and figure those parts and pieces out. And he'll be real with you. Absolutely. I hope that you get that sense of us anyway, that we're pretty real human beings here. If you met us in person, it would be pretty much what you hear on the podcast. Without further ado, there again, staceybartley.com you can drop down the menu of Work With Me and find the 30 day roadmap love and Limbo Roadmap. You can also go to loveandlimboroadmap.com both will take you to the place where you can explore, you can look, you can, you know, do that. And we're here to support you in any way that we can. For our Follow the Fun Today I've pulled this activity from our Roadmap so that I can share it with you so that you can get a sneak peek into what it is we actually do and what we've called this in the Roadmap is an active Listening channel challenge. So what we're going to ask you to do is engage in at least three conversations where you focus solely on listening. I'm going to invite you to refrain from giving advice, sharing your own stories, or drifting into your own thoughts after each conversation. I invite you to jot down the main points the other person conveyed and one thing you learned about them that you didn't know before because you were in a true place of listening, listening. And then reflect on the experience and the power of listening. I'm going to tell you right now, listening is the hardest thing we do in our communications with others, and we have a heck of a time in that position. So this is an opportunity for you to practice. Just listen and you're going to notice it's a lot harder than we think it is. Right. You're going to want to inject your story or your thoughts or correct the narrative. So three conversations where you just simply listen and then reflect on what it is you extracted from that experience. The song that we've chosen for today's episode. Oh my gosh, it's perfect. Aloe Black, he has a song called Shine. And in the lyrics of this song it just spoke so eloquently for me. What it is I wish that I could share with you personally because he says, in the darkness of despair as your fears grow deep inside and all your hopes are nearly died, I believe in you and I know you will shine again. We will fight to shine forevermore and that's what the roadmap is about. We are here to help you shine again. I know it doesn't seem possible right now. Been there and done that myself. But we hold the torch as you're traveling the deep canyon of despair, that there is life on the other side. We are there holding a torch, saying, come on on, you can do this, you can shine again. We've done it. We know it's possible and you can do it too. We'll show you how to the very best of our ability.

Watch the Listen to the song first. Stacy said, tom, you've got to come and listen to this before we started recording today and then we sent it to Brooke and she said, I'm glad I have waterproof mascara. It's incredibly powerful. So watch it or listen to it first and then listen to the episode.

And if you are in a moment of despair, put it on replay. It will remind you, you of you do matter, that what you have within you counts, that it is precious, that it is good. I don't care what you've done or where you come from, that all it requires is a willingness to step in and start going in a brand new direction and we can all shine again, regardless of who we are and what we've done. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website page or search it up on Spotify Live Love Shack Live Playlist thank you so much for spending your time with us here today. We continue to wish you a very happy holiday season filled with peace and connection and moments of joy. Yes, seek moments of joy even in this difficult moment. They matter now more than ever, and they're still there. Go find them and we look forward to being back here with you again next week. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.