#21: How Grief Can Affect Your Relationship & How To Support A Grieving Partner

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Yeah, thank you so much for being here with you. And today we're going to, we're going to jump into a topic that's time who's absolutely has come. We're going to be talking about how grief can affect your relationship and how to support perhaps a grieving partner or get the support that you need if by chance you're the one that's grieving. You know, it's only a matter of time before grief touches our lives at some point. Multiple times in our lifetimes can be expected as a matter of fact, and yet we don't know how to deal with it. And it's not very often talked about. As a matter of fact, in this very moment we dedicate our show. Today it's going to be hard for me to not get a little emotional, but our beautiful daughter Brookie Brown, who happens to also work alongside of us in our body of work, just earlier today learned that her six week pregnancy was a topic and it became necessary for them this morning to surgically remove a fallopian tube in her growing baby. When experiences like this touch our lives, we struggle with the best ways to deal with it, don't we? And if we are the person struggling, we don't want to be dramatic or a burden. And if we're needing to support someone through grief, what do we do? We even have that difficult time talking about it sometimes with our best intentions in mind. We say things or hear things from others that don't really help us at all. I mean, do you mention the loss at all? Do you attempt to put a positive spin on things and minimize the loss as much as possible? What is the best thing to say to really offer up the love, comfort and support that we really are struggling to provide to the people that we love the most? And what the heck do we do when someone feels hopeless? It's so so so time to have this conversation in our world today and to help us explore this conversation on grief. We are delighted and honored to have with us Victoria Volk of the Unleashed Heart in the Love Shack. Today, with us as our guest, we'll be right back to embark on a much needed conversation.

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Welcome back to the show. Today we're going to be talking about how grief can affect our relationships and we're going to give you some super tips from a specialist that's here in the love shack with us, Victoria Volk. We're going to talk about some ways that you can maybe get the support that you need if you're the one that's maybe going through a time of grieving or how to best support somebody that you love and care about that's going through a time of grieving. And really some super tips that you can use and some takeaways in today's show that you can use because sometimes in grief when it feels overwhelming, it has a tendency to break relationships down. We find ourselves going in directions that we don't really want to go. We just don't know what to do differently. I want to take a moment and I want to introduce you to our incredible guest today. Victoria is a self published author and she's also an advanced grief recovery specialist. And I'm Usi Karuna. Those are two absolutely wonderful Reiki Master credentials and I'm probably not saying I'm right. Victoria is also a UMAP certified coach who aims to use her strengths and skills to help those struggling with loss. And she too herself intimately understands the intimate impacts of grief in life. Grief and trauma flipped her life upside down more than 30 years ago and she spent the rest of her life with the hope she'd get to where she is now, which is thriving. Victoria wishes the same for all grievers and wants to spread the word that it is absolutely possible. And the truth is there are certain things that we need to understand about grief that we simply don't talk about, but we're going to hear today. And certainly we have not been taught about grief before. So without further ado, Victoria, welcome to the show. It is so great to have you with us for this very much needed and important conversation today.

Thank you, Stacy and Tom, for the invitation. I much appreciate it.

Yeah. So let's start this conversation out with Would you be willing to share with us briefly your story of grief and why you're so passionate about helping others with it?

I am a child griever. My dad passed away when I was 8. And then I experienced some sexual abuse in the years that followed. And there was no communication about grief or grieving or anything like that.

And.

Actually, because of my age, it was the misconception among the adults around me was that I didn't understand anyway. And I heard that being said. And so it really set me up to I'm a person that tends to need time to process anyway, but it really set me up to internalize any pain, suffering, trauma that I would experience throughout the rest of my life because I didn't have the tools, the knowledge, the education, the space given to me to really share what I was experiencing and going through.

And your parents didn't have those same things either to support you through the process, did they?

No.

And that's the thing with generational learning when it comes to grief is we resort to what we know. And if it's, well, you, most of us are taught the same things and it's these, there's six myths of grief. And it's, you know, time heals all wounds and grieve alone and don't feel bad and replace the loss. And so I received too, those same messages and because my mom, she didn't know how to process her grief either.

And you bring up a really great point, experiencing this as a child. So often I hear childhood trauma being minimized. Oh, they're too young to remember or thank goodness they're so young this won't impact or affect them later in their life. As though somehow that's just kind of negated. Right. We don't have to worry about that because they're below the age of 10 or they're below the age of 5 or they're not an adult yet and they're in their teens. And I love that you kind of highlighted on that. And I just want to point that out for any of our listeners that, hey, if you have kids that are maybe being traumatized. Right. Learn how to support them. Through the process by learning these practical grief skills and the understanding about grief and not make or buy into that story of, oh, they're, they're young enough, it won't impact their lives. That won't matter. That, you know, and we'll get into that later. But I, I really want to talk about how it is that grief gets embedded in our cells, in our body. Right. It's not something that we can just kind of go, oh, they're too young, that's not going to be a problem. Let's just move on. Right. We don't need to address that. That is something that we say in order to help ourselves feel better when the reality is we don't really know what to do. And would you agree with that?

I think we are born knowing how to grieve because as babies we cry for our needs. It is as we grow older and over time when these small things, these incidences that happen that teach us how to respond. So your blankie gets taken away. An adult might take the baby blankie away and the toddler's three or four years old. Well, or the pacifier, that could be traumatic to a child. And as adults, we don't think of it that way because, well, they're old enough, they shouldn't need that thing anymore. But having a conversation about why it's time to get rid of and maybe encourage good, you know, reinforce that good behavior. Not that having a pacifier or blankie is bad, but you don't want a 10 year old walking around with a baby blankie. Right. So it's just having a conversation. And three to four year olds can comprehend far more than what we think and particularly eight years old too. I knew exactly what, you know, when I saw my dad in his coffin, I knew he was not my dad anymore. You know, like the seat was missing at the table, you know, and so we, that's the thing I want to highlight is that children understand far more than we give them credit for.

Yeah, I would, I would think that's where I was going thinking like, I would bet that as children we're very attuned to what grief is about. And as we become older, we forget how in touch we are and what is appropriate at an older age as to how we're supposed to respond. So it's really. I hear you correctly, Victor. It's getting back to that place of understanding and really intuitive understanding of what grief is as a young child.

Well, you've had. Go ahead, Victor.

Yeah, I was just going to say I was Coined as a crybaby because when I would get upset, I would cry and I would. Because I was. It was almost shamed. So I would run to hide, to cry. I'd fall asleep under my bed in the coat closet, in the kitchen cupboard. One time they sent a search party looking for me, and I think that's the time I was in the kitchen cupboard. So it really was nothing that was welcomed. Like, showing my emotion and expressing myself was not a welcomed thing. And I think boys generally, too often here, like big boys, don't cry, you know, don't be crying. You know, you have to be strong. And so I think if there's these ideas of what it is to be a boy or a man and what it is to be a female and a woman that we project as young as 3, 4, 5, when children are starting to learn and to develop how to communicate and how to express themselves.

I so agree with you. I. We all three have something in common here, which is we all lost our fathers at a very young age. And I assure you that I was very aware of what was going on. And in fact, my family sent me away, not wanting me to be a part of all of the drama that was going on. Right. In preparing the funeral or the last days of my father's death, I was sent to my aunt's house. My. And I was kind of did this roving trip through family members for a while, when the reality is I just wanted to be with my family. I couldn't understand why I was being separated and sent away for this event and then only to come back for the funeral, because you have to be present for that. Right. And. And I, too, also had my blankie taken away. And these were all things. I mean, let's talk about the other side of it. As a parent, you're afraid that your child is going to be made fun of. And so it all comes from a really sweetheart. So we don't want to point fingers at parents at this point in time, because the reality is, I believe that as human beings, we really are doing the very best thing that we know how. And I get that. I'm five years old and I'm wanting to take my blankie to the grocery store, and that's embarrassing. And my mom doesn't want people to think ill of me or make fun of me. You know, it really comes from a sweetheart place where we're trying to protect our kids. But like you say, and the point that you drive home is that our younger people, they know so much more than we give them credit. And if we could just bring them into the conversation instead of trying to protect them from being hurt or part of the tragedy, not only do they feel more stable and secure, they actually feel validated and honored that they too can be part of this process. And not only that, that grief and disappointment and sadness is a part of life. And when we protect our children from those things, we have to remember and understand that it doesn't help them, it actually really hinders them because when that grief or trauma or sadness does strike, they don't have any tools or any idea in regards to how to manage it. Right. It almost becomes more impactful because we've protected them from those same things so long as the good intending parents that we are.

And I think too, what happens, and you eloquently said that that was beautiful. I think what happens too is that then when the child gets older and parents tend to think then that there is, you know, this, the term resiliency, like their children are resilient and they bounce back. Well, if they're not part of the conversation and they don't. Aren't able to express themselves, do parents really understand where their child is at? So it might come, they might appear that they're resilient, but it's just a way that a child is coping.

How.

Because what I think happens to. Well, what I can speak for myself. I knew what was unacceptable to talk about. I knew what was unacceptable to share. And so I was appeasing in a way, you know, I was appeasing what my mom wanted me to do or say or how to behave to protect her, to not upset her. And so I was resilient, I was unaffected. I didn't. You know what I mean? So that's. I think that's where it's misconstrued. And so when people say children are resilient when they bounce back, that drives me crazy. Don't say that. So if I hear you, we don't choose resiliency.

I was going to say, Victor, if I hear you correctly, there's a huge difference between coping and resiliency.

Yes, that is what we're doing. We're coping, we're not being. Yeah, exactly.

That's so well said. And that's an aspect of grief that. Wow, you brought front and center, which I love. Because we are going to try and follow the lead of our parents as a child nine times out of 10, because we don't know what to do either. We just know that these feelings are things that we're feeling right. When I sensed intuitively that my father was not coming home, he had entered the hospital for the last time. And I remember my mom coming in late from the hospital and sitting down at our dinner table, and I just knew it. And I blurted out, right. As kids do, just kind of sharing the truth. Dad's going to die, isn't he? He's going to die. He's not coming home. And of course, this was just a huge thing that my mom didn't want to take on, didn't want to talk about, didn't want to hear. Right. And sent me to my room. She says, you can leave and you can go to your room now. And I remember thinking, what did I say? What. What did I do that that caused me to have to be separated? Right. It has caused me to be shunned. So this is something that I speak a lot about with my clients, whether they're going through some kind of a death or a loss, or it's something they're going through their loss and the death of a relationship or a pregnancy. Right. Is this pushing away when I become afraid, when really I don't want you to go away at all. I want you to come close and I want to hug you, and I want you to know that I care. It's just what you're saying hurts so bad right now. Right. And I wish that we could have more conversations like that. And perhaps in the future we will when we learn how to talk about grief and share these uncomfortable feelings. Because what we tend to do when the uncomfortable feelings come up is what we've been taught, which is push away, get away from, pretend it's not happening. Right. Which is exactly usually the absolute opposite direction that we absolutely want to go in. So could you by chance tell us, and I know you can, what is it that helped you most with your grief when you were going through it? What are some things that really worked for you as a child and as you got into adulthood that you really worked for you? And then, of course, you studied this. And let's dive deeper into that and give our listeners some practical skills that they can use to really wrap our head around what we're talking about. Because most of us feel really uncomfortable to talk about the uncomfortable when really it's exactly what we need to be doing. Sure.

And I can actually speak to as well, how over time, I coped as a child. Teen. I'd say as a teen, music was huge for me. And journaling also was. That's how I channeled my feelings and emotions. That's where I found relatability was in the music. I would spend hours at the ice skating rink, taught myself how to ice skate. I just needed an outlet. I found ways to do that for myself as a teen. Young adulthood, though, I coped with alcohol like many people do. And I did try therapy, traditional, actually, it was hypnotherapy. That did not help me. And so I. And then my life kind of changed and I found faith again, which I had lost since I was a kid. And so that started to bring me back into not blaming God anymore. It started to make me curious about just what I had thought I knew about faith and spirituality and things like that. So that was instrumental in meeting my husband, which then went to a class out of curiosity. And that curiosity was like, this is where I need to be. But it took me another over 10 years and another loss to realize that I wasn't okay in that meantime, too. I also really started to had a midlife unraveling when my youngest started kindergarten and I closed my photography studio, which was a labor of love. And so at that point I was like, what am I going to do with the rest of my life? And so I had this midlife crisis thing going on. And that's what really set me off on personal development and personal growth. And I, you know, researched and took courses and read books, and that's when that all kind of started. And that's when I read. I wrote my book too, during that time. But it was another loss that I had that really made me realize that I'm not okay, that I wasn't okay. And. And it wasn't until I found the grief recovery method and went through that program where I really connected the dots to all of the behaviors and the beliefs, the projection that I put towards others and just how I was coping with different things, just how I coped with motherhood. It was very overwhelming to me. I wasn't a single parent, but in the way I was, because my husband traveled and he was gone for like a week at a time. And so I had three kids all in diapers, and I was just very overwhelmed. And we had just moved and it's a very tiny town. Like 60 people live here. And so when I to get groceries, you know, it's like you have to drive 90 miles and then you got to take the kids. And then I got two carts and three kids. And it was just chaotic time. And I felt so unsupported. But I really didn't feel like I could ask for help either because that was not something that was taught to me as a child. I just was. I didn't feel supported growing up, so therefore I didn't know how to ask for support either. So my grief really morphed and changed over the years like it does for most people, and showed up in different ways and I coped and managed in different ways. But again, it was the grief recovery method that changed my life.

That's. You brought up so many wonderful places that we could go with what you've just absolutely shared. The grief is a process. Right. And it's something that we can get better at. And I want our listeners to know that it doesn't have to take you as much time as it took us to get through the grief process. The reason that it took us some time is that we didn't know what we now know. And thank goodness there's been some incredible work and research done. And the grief recovery process is absolutely a culmination of many, many great years of research and study and practice that helps us understand grief. Right. And accept grief. Right. So the biggest takeaways from the grief recovery process for you is. Is what is it you would want people to understand better about actually feeling. Right. The grief about grief itself?

Oh, I think the biggest frustration and sadness I have in the grief community and grief world right now and just with everything Covid and everything that's happened, is that there's this thought that I don't need to dig up the past. So many grievers feel like, well, I don't need to go there. I buried that hatch, it's done, it's over with. That happened in the past. I don't need to dig it up. But your past is your present until it is addressed, until you look at it and pick it apart and feel what you're unwilling and resistant to feel. And because the grief recovery method is so phenomenally written, you can go into it knowing, okay, seven weeks, eight weeks, I can do this. It's not like years of therapy. I've known people who have been going to therapy for over 20 years. I've known people who are going to support groups for 12 years. This is an action based program that you can walk into knowing, okay, seven or eight weeks, I can do this.

Oh, I love that.

And you have an end game, there's an end result. And you have tools and knowledge and education that you can take with you for the rest of your life.

Oh, I love that. We're going to dive into what those are let's take a break for a moment and we'll be right back. But we're going to dive into what those tools and strategies are. Victoria's going to share them with us. We'll be right back.

Do you feel like your love life is on life support? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to staceybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationship. S-T A C I B A R T L E Y.com Visit staceybartley.com today are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Reset your relationship in five days flat from March 8th through the 12th.

It's a free five day experience.

Five days full of free live workshops, foolproof roadmaps, and the exact tricks and tools you'll need to reset your relationship.

Day one Transform your hot mess Learn.

How Catching yourself in the moment is the secret to learning what we call the power of a pause.

Day 2 Get back to dreaming with your partner.

You'll learn exactly what you need to do to start dreaming with your partner again. So often when our relationships are suffering, we're focused only on what we don't want. You're going to learn what to do instead.

Exactly what to do. During arguments.

During arguments, most of us either find ourselves in one of two camps controllers or trying to bogart the conversation and tell our partners what to do. Collapsers. We shut down or walk away from the conversation. There's a third and really powerful option. Today you're going to learn it.

Day 4 Ready to return to bliss.

Resetting our relationships is all about getting back to how we felt at the beginning of our love stories. Remember what it felt like to know you were the most important person to your partner. So today you're going to learn how to sprinkle a little fairy dust.

Let's pull it all together.

We're going to bring together everything you've learned so far and you'll Learn the four step strategy our clients use to stop the endless arguing, reignite their connection and save their relationship.

To learn more and to register, visit stacybartley.com recession that's staceybartley.com reset alternative talk 1150 local talk for the body, mind and soul.

Sam hey, welcome back.

We've got Victoria Volk in the love shack today and we are talking about grief. Now I know we all kind of roll our eyes and go, oh gosh, who wants to talk about that? But before you boo hoo it, grief is a normal, natural part of our lives and we have got to start rolling up our sleeves and talking about it. And if you're just joining us, welcome to this conversation. We have been talking about grief and even how it impacts us as small children. To Victoria and I all have the, shall we say, incredible experience of being childhood grievers. When we lost a parent at a young age. It sounds like Victoria was 8 and I was 7 and Tom was 13. And we tend to have this conversation about, ah, it won't matter, right? They'll be fine, they're too young. But then we start talking about how ill equipped we as parents are about supporting our children with grief, right? And we're all doing the very best we know how. And then it trickles forward into maybe in our relationships. Oh my goodness, there's so many places of grief. You know, it's only a matter of time before our lovers, our, our children, our, our parents, our brothers, our sisters, our family, our dear friends. You know, they, they make mistakes because they're human mess making machines. And it's only a matter of time before we're disappointed or we have to confront a loss or our feelings get hurt. And these are all little teeny tiny examples of grief and how it shows up life. So grief isn't something that just happens to us once and we're done. Grief is something that happens to us continuously as a part and a natural, normal part of life. And we really want to emphasize that today.

Well, I would think, I would not even think, I would assert, I love that, that I don't know if there's any really human being on the planet in this last 12 months that hasn't either personally or within a very close circle experience some kind of grief due to this global pandemic. It has literally been a year that none of us, last time I checked, I'm not a huge history buff, has experienced ever before. So in that would be significant amounts of grief. I mean, just from the most, you know, usual routines that Were that no longer. I mean, so this is it, you know, and as we shared at the top of our show, Stacy and I and I have eight children, of which one of our daughters, Brooke, works very closely with us, who experienced a significant loss today, earlier today. That so wonderfully speaks to the importance of this.

Absolutely. And we took our break where Victoria was sharing with us the grief recovery method. If you could give us some succinct steps, let's say we're in the process of grief right now. What would you recommend the first few steps be in regards to turning and facing our grief? Then let's talk about how grief manifests in the body so that our listeners can determine. Oh, wow, that's because of grief. Oh, wow, that's crazy. Because I'm sure that there's some of those out there as well.

Yeah. I think it's important that we recognize who the safe people are around us that we can talk to. And in grief recovery, we call them a heart with ears. Someone that is not going to analyze, criticize, or judge your experience and what you're sharing, which can so easily happen with someone who generally has skin in our game. So often it's not someone who is close to us or a family member because we're really closely connected. Right. And so it's someone who may be even like a distant friend, someone that maybe you feel like you can pick up where you left off, even if it's been a couple of years. Someone that you feel like you can share things with and you have that open dialogue and conversation that you can be truthful and honest about how you're feeling with. And oftentimes it's really difficult to be completely honest with those who are closest to us.

I just want to just put a pinpoint here for a minute. I really want to point this out. Sometimes we come to some really sad and disappointing stories about why it is the people that love us the most can't be there for us. What I want our listeners to know is it's because it's bringing up uncomfortable feelings for them that they too, don't know how to deal with or express or share with you. It's really our own coping skill. Right. That prevents us from truly being present from the people that we love the most. And so I just want our listeners to know it's not because they don't love you, and it's not because they don't want the best for you. They just don't know how to be there for you because really they don't know how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that are happening with inside of themselves. So before you start, I just want to caution you that before you start making up the story about they don't care, they really were never there for me, that, you know, this whole thing was a sham. That's not the truth. 99.9% of the time. That is absolutely not the truth. That those feelings you experienced of love and connection and support and you thought that this was going to be the most amazing thing in the whole wide world. Those are real and those are true. And what we need to realize is that when they can't be there for you, it's because they don't know how to feel the feelings that they're having inside of themselves too. And until I can know how to handle those feelings inside of myself, two, I can't be there for you. And that's why sometimes a third party, somebody like yourself, this grief recovery process, myself, the work that we do is so impactful because a, yes, we don't have any skin in the game, but we also understand the natural normal process of feeling uncomfortable feelings we call grief and getting to the other side. We've studied it, we've practiced it, we've lived it, we've experienced it, and we can say, hey, it's going to be okay. Come to the other side.

Got this.

This is normal, it's okay. This is the way it always goes.

Yeah.

So I appreciate you bringing that up. And I just, I just feel like we needed to interject that. Right.

Or said another way, very succinctly. What I would think most of us are doing the best we can with the tools, you know, and the training and the experience that we have at that particular time. And grief, there's no question, brings up a lot for us, A lot for us. And I would think many, most of us have never had any training like Victoria is talking about here. And how do we navigate, how do we serve ourselves, support others that are close to us, going through this very, very significant process that's a part of life.

Well, and you bring up a good point. And I just want to share too. So what do you do? If you want to support someone, you really do want to make them feel like you can be a listening ear, but you're not sure what to say. And it's really follow the lead of the griever and you can honestly say, I don't know how to support you. I want to, but please tell me how. What does that look like for you?

So that's good to ask that specific of a question.

Yeah, absolutely. It's being honest, first of all, if you want to support them, but you don't know how, be honest. And it's telling emotional truth. I want to help you. I want to be there for you. I want to support you, but I don't know how because thing is, many Grievers, they need different things, and it's not a cookie cutter situation and, you know, where one griever might have a ton of support on, like, the logistics of their life. Maybe they got covered, maybe they got someone making meals, maybe they got, you know, everything covered in that respect of logistics. But maybe they just want someone to go for a walk with them or take them to a movie and do something mundane like that. You know, just. Let's just go to a movie where I don't have to talk about anything, but I can share in someone's company.

Sure. Do you find that your grievers have a difficult time knowing what to ask for to support them through the grieving process?

Oh, I think as grievers, we don't know even what we want half the time. Right. And so I think it's really. I told my daughter this this morning, she broke her arm and she's like, people are. They're doing things for me and helping me, and I'm not used to that. And I'm usually helping everyone else. And I said to her, you were given two hands. One to receive, one to give, and one to receive. Take the help, receive the help and say thank you. And it's so hard for us to.

Receive help well, let alone ask for it. Right. There's some principles in our body of work where we highlight that it's your job to teach your people, your lover, your people that are in your close sphere of influence, how to love you best. And unfortunately, we don't have that conversation as well. I don't feel like I can or know how or even have the clarity to show up and ask for what it is I really need in order to be supported. And nowhere is that highlighted, in my opinion, than when we. We are going through processes of grief and letting go. And yet if we were to follow intuitively those paths, the feeling itself, the emotion itself, the Griever themselves, as you had just highlighted, knows the way. They may not in this very moment be able to lay it out for you, but step by step, moment by moment, the journey will unfold and they will become more and more clear about what it is they truly need as support.

Yeah. And I, I, I, I'm always amazed that for some reason, in these parts of life that are so important, so significant, we, we dismiss the importance of specificity. As you just so wonderfully said, Victoria, you, you know, you simply ask. I, I love the quote, and I don't know where I heard it, but specifics in our relationships are like catnip for our soul. I mean, literally, how can I help you? I mean, is there any better way? I don't know. I know you're hurting. What can I do for you? I mean, it's like we throw all of that out. And like Stacy shared, in our body of work, it's up to us to teach our partner how to love us. How are we supposed to know what is the. Not to be chauvinistic or prejudicial, but the man, you know, the male energy, says, I can't read minds. You know, you have to tell me what it is we need. So if you can't voice those words, we can't advocate for ourselves, how are we going to best support those that mean the most to us?

Well, and gosh, have you ever been on the receiving end of somebody really telling you what they need and what a thank you? I mean, that's the experience, isn't it? Like, the weight that, that lifts off my shoulders. Because I really don't know how to support you unless you tell me, especially through a difficult time is such a comfort, even to the person who's wanting to support you. Because the reality is we don't know how to support the people that we love the most. Right. It's difficult for us to talk about and, and we want to avoid it, probably, rather than dive into it because it makes us feel uncomfortable. But if you can tell me what it is you need and what I got to do, if you can lay it out like a recipe right, then we're like, oh, thank goodness. I knew I was screwing it up. I knew I wasn't getting it right, but I just didn't know what else to do. Do you need more soup? Right. Do you need me to wash your socks? Do you need me to take care of the kids? What do I do that will help? And if you tell me, I just want you to understand, if you're having a difficult time asking for those things that you really need, that you feel and know in your heart would make a difference, please, please find the courage to say them. Because the people that are running around trying to help and support you, they don't know any better, and they're they're exhausting themselves trying to do the right thing and know that they're missing the mark on some level. You have to tell me, yeah, I.

Just have a thought on that because I can hear Grievers already saying, like, it's not my job. It's not my job to educate other people on and what I need. And but here's the thing. If you're not feeling supported, it might be because you're not communicating what you need. And so instead of, like you said, it's flipping that on its head and not internalizing it, and instead empower others and empower them to support you by giving them knowledge. Because when we have knowledge, we know then the behaviors and the actions to take that thought to follow.

Right. So what would that sound like? Victoria.

Well, first of all, I think as a griever, you need to be honest with what you do want and need. So if it's just time and space, then you say that I just need time and I need space. Don't call, you know, I'm going to turn my phone off for the next three days, but don't worry about me. It's just communicating this is what's going to happen and this is what I need. And you get to choose as a griever how you do that. It could be a social media post that you just forward to everybody. You can write it in a letter, you can put it in an email, you can start a blog. I mean, I know lots of grievers who have started blogs. And, you know, you don't have to be a writer to start a blog, but that's how I know one griever who communicated what she needed and what she was experiencing without everybody having to ask her. And so they go to this one blog and they could see where she was at and how she was feeling and what she needed. And so I think as grievers, it's, you get to choose how you do that and what it's going to look like.

And rather than fighting with the griever, just support it. And it might be some, you know, some feelings and emotions that are coming up inside of the person who's trying to support somebody that, that's grieving. But just trust and know that if they're the ones that are feeling the pain and the hurt and the loss, right, then they know the way through. And your best place really is just to cheer them on and support them in that as we manage now and work through your own process. And it's always interesting in relationships, how those two things kind of, right. They bounce off of each other. Right. The insecure feelings that come up from somebody who's maybe a supporter of a griever now becomes the highlight for the person who supports. And now that's their opportunity to grow. Right. Don't try and coerce the griever into comforting you now, per se. Right. And that's why off times they need support and a process and a system in order to help them through it, just like we're talking about here. But that's really your opportunity to grow. Right. Everybody's healing and everybody's getting better. And when we get scared, what we tend to do is try and enroll the other person into our process. And to what I think I need. Right. Instead of recognizing, okay, you may need to have time and space and three days alone and who, man, that really brings up some stuff for me. But I'm going to do my best to allow that time and space to happen. And then let's see what happens on the other side of this.

Yep. And that's, I think too, why so many relationships fade away when someone is going through a really traumatic loss. Because I've seen it so many times or friendships just come to an end. I think really it's, it's unnecessary and it's sad because it's probably just like you said, it's this lack of communication is really, I think what it comes down to. And maybe even some compassion is missing, you know, analyze. But just look at it with compassion.

I think that we have to understand as human beings things that I can't give what I don't already have. And if I'm a hot mess, I have nothing to give. And so when what you need or what you feel like is best for you starts spiking emotions and feelings inside of me, then I immediately step into a place where I'm trying to enroll you into my process. Instead of. Right. Supporting and recognizing, we could see this very differently. And it's okay. And now's my opportunity to do what we call emotional weightlifting. Right. Okay. I got to get about handling my own uncomfortable emotions and feelings instead of trying to a take it out on you, cause you to create doubt in your own process. Right. And because we as Grievers, love, we tend to second guess ourselves and what we need. And we get bottled up in regards to do I take care of myself? Do I, do I please my people around me, you know, my family, my kids, my lover. Right. But what I really feel like I need to do is just like you said. I mean, your three day example is perfect because so much of grieving is just me settling in with myself, getting familiar and comfortable with myself, facing off with myself. And when I need that time and space, it usually sends my people that love and care about me into a tizzy because their fears and insecurities now come up and. And they want to stop me from taking that time so that they don't feel threatened and uncomfortable in the process. Right. And so we start, you know, literally bouncing off of each other because we don't know how to handle the difficult emotions that are coming up. We don't know how to talk about them, share them, and ask for what it is we want and need. You had something you wanted to say?

No, I think that's dead on. So, Victoria, what would you say, you know, as we start to land this episode, it's amazing how fast our time goes. What, you know, if there's any takeaway, you know, what would you say is the. In all your years and supporting, you know, people through this process is probably the most thing that we miss, that we don't understand on the grieving process.

It is never too late and it is never too soon.

So great. And what are some manifestations in our body that show us that we are indeed kind of putting off maybe our own grief process?

Migraines, weight gain, just stress overall, just chronic fatigue. You know, if you think of yourself like a tea kettle, over time, either you. Either you implode or you explode. So all of those emotions that you're containing, eventually, if you're a tea kettle, you're going to implode or explode. So explode, meaning, you know, you might have angry outbursts or you might. That's when you might resort to behaviors that make you feel better for a short period of time, like gambling or shopping or sex or relationships, you know, and implode is, like I said, the physical manifestation. So you might have fibromyalgia, you might have hair loss, you might have palpitations and things with your heart going on. Personally, for me, I had hair loss, I had bowel issues, I had like, fibromyalgia, like sensations or feelings. And so, yeah, our bodies talk to us constantly. They're always talking to us and speaking to us and telling the truth that we don't really want to acknowledge either. And so it's. If we keep denying ourselves of our own integrity of our feelings, if we keep living out of integrity with our feelings, that's what we will get. Are these physical symptoms or it'll express itself outside of us.

And if by chance you're feeling feelings that feel complex or overwhelming or there's some emotions that you're not quite sure how to break down, I just really want you to know, hey, you don't have to panic about these. Sometimes we get panicking about the way I feel and it creates anxiety and then it creates self doubt, it creates confusion. And I really want you to know that if you'll just slow down a little bit and feel those feelings and look at them and be with them, they have so much for you to share. And because this episode is dedicated to our beautiful daughter, Brookie Brown, she too has struggled with anxiety throughout her whole life. And yet today she absolutely had a different experience where instead of reeling in fear and panic about what to do and where to go and what she was feeling and all the emotions that were coming up, she found the courage and the ability to feel her feelings and face them head on. And in her words, she says, I really feel very powerful right now. I was able to make all of my decisions from a place of total calm and peace. It was as different than anything that I had ever experienced. And this experience of losing this baby, it was the most pleasant and yet traumatic experience and challenge that I've ever had. And I think that's what's possible, is that there is a way. If we will trust ourselves, acknowledge the pain and feel it, there is a way to walk a step by step through what it is we need and the healing that our body and our intuition and ourselves, our vibrant emotional bodies know that we need. And if we can give ourselves that gift, it makes all the difference in the world. Victoria, how do people get in touch with you?

You can find me on my website, the Unleashed Heart.com I'm also the Unleashed Heart on Instagram. And my podcast is Grieving Voices.

And that podcast, by the way, for our listeners, supports people that are not only grieving, but it offers up additional grief information and education as well. So check it out, you guys. This is an important conversation that we've all got together. Get better at. Well, gosh, it's time for us to close today's episode. But before we go, I also want to invite our listeners to join our five day Challenge.

Yes, we have a five day challenge. We're going to have live workshops, all types of foolproof roadmaps and exact tricks and tools you'll need to reset your relationship journey. Now don't miss this opportunity to reset your current relationships or reset yourself. You know, as you step into something new, you. You can claim your spot in the challenge by going to Stacy Bartley. That's S-I B A R T L E Y.com reset.

It's forward slash. Come on back. Next week, we're going to be exploring the conversation around courage and why it's essential to navigating, creating more love and less fear in our lives. And because grief can cause us to feel like we're losing our minds sometimes, especially when we panic instead of pause and breathe into it. But I want you to know that grief also has the power to teach us we are stronger and more resilient than we can even imagine. Our challenge as human beings is to work with our grief by allowing it and feeling it. And as we strive to understand it instead of pushing it away, I promise eventually it will wash over you. And those tears will soon turn to a smile once again, sending all of you who for one reason or another, are feeling the flow of grief for whatever reason. And remind you, I know the sun will shine again in time. For now, it's time for you to feel and breathe. We are breathing with you, Brookie. We love you. Crazy, crazy, crazy. See you next week.