#213: Why Your Partner’s Request for Space Isn’t the End: Listener Q&A

Have you ever found yourself staring at your phone, crafting and recrafting a text you're too scared to send? Maybe it's something as simple as hey, I hope you're doing okay, but it feels like the weight of the entire relationship hangs in those few words. Or perhaps you're lying awake at night replaying every word from an argument, wondering how you missed the signs. Or if there was something you could have said or done differently to keep things from falling apart. Or how do I ask you for more affection and intimacy without all the rejection? If you've ever felt like you're stuck between saying too much or not enough, I want you to know you're not alone. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone at a relationship crossroads. If you're facing daily conflicts, navigating emotional gaps, or just yearning to reconnect with someone you deeply love, this is your place. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship mentor and divorce mediator, and here with me is my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke. Together we're here to help you turn those moments of uncertainty into clarity and hope. Today, we're diving into your questions. Real raw and messy questions like, should I reach out after my partner has asked for space? Or how do I cope with the sadness of being the one left holding the emotional baggage? And what do I do if love is still there, but my partner has moved on? These are the tough, heart wrenching questions so many of us wrestle with in the quiet moments of our lives. In this episode, we're not just offering answers to your questions, we're giving you tools. Tools to navigate the confusing gray areas of space, silence, and second chances. So stick with us because by the end, you'll have a deeper understanding of not only what's happening in your relationship, but how to show up in a way that feels aligned with your values, your needs, and your heart. Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack. So let's dive in.

Okay, so for this episode, we were thinking about what we were going to talk about. And I said, well, we have had a lot of questions that have been asked recently on a couple of our videos about space and separation. And we shouldn't just ignore those questions, we should answer them. And in our last episode, I said something about, you know, if you kind of reframe space in the way that we were speaking about it, you could actually be proud of your partner for asking for space if you were willing to go there. And I knew that was gonna maybe not trigger people, but make them Be like, hey, wait a second. I don't appreciate this at all. So we got a question about it, which I think was a really good one. She said, why should we appreciate our partner for opening up and asking for space, especially when they've had difficulty communicating it in the past? How can we balance feelings of sadness with empathy in these moments?

For such a good question. Well, in order to answer that, we've gotta look at the alternative. And the alternative is this. Do you really want your partner there with you? From a place of obligation, from being miserable and going through the motions and checking boxes, this is where couples become very good at task management. Managing the kids, managing the household, managing the finances, managing the yard, managing the vacations. But what's missing is the deep intimacy that we're longing for. And so anytime we're coming from a place of obligation, this is going to be the net result or experience of that until somebody asks for space. And when somebody asks for space, it's a very courageous moment on both sides, both to the person receiving the news and to the person who's saying it. Because they're revealing the truth for them, which is not that they don't love you, not that they don't care, not that this is important to them, but that the piece that used to connect us is missing. And that is, I want you to see, the only way that if someone were to declare it and stop going through the motions or doing what I call live and pretend an illusion, that is the only way we can actually recreate intimacy, connection, vulnerability, all the sweet stuff we say we want as a part of relationships. Because if we continue to just operate from the place and space of going along with not disclosing obligation, because I know that I'm in this place, but I don't want to hurt my partner's feelings, then we're going to continue to grow apart. We're going to continue to experience a deeper divide and a growing distance. And the more as a human being, I stay in that space, the more frustrated, the more heartbroken, the more disappointed, the more resentful I become. And so the net result of all of that is we blame each other. We say hateful, mean things to each other, we act out in secret on each other, we cope in increasingly destructive ways and in efforts to check the boxes and going along with the status quo. Because as human beings, we all need to feel deeply connected to something. We all need validation. We all need a place where we feel like we belong. And if it's not happening at home, because I'm checking boxes and feeling obligated. Then I'm going to go explore and find it somewhere else. And that's why we say, when somebody says, I need some space, this isn't working for me. We've grown apart. The chasm is wide. That's a really brave moment, and it really is an opportunity because somebody's finally said, let's look at this. Let's decide what it is we need to do. The cheese is slid off the cracker, as a client says, and we may have an opportunity, if we'll approach it, to. To reconnect and create a 2. Oh. And that's why we're so impassioned about this space.

I think one of the parts of her question that I'd like you to go a little deeper in is how can you let go of the resentment you have when they say, hey, I need space, and you had no idea that they were struggling? How can you let go of the resentment you have for them not communicating that they were struggling before it got to this point?

I love that because you have to realize how courageous that is. Why wouldn't I say something? Let's look at why. It's because I care about you. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't want to be the bad person. I don't want to be the person to rock the boat, essentially. I don't want to be the asshole that kind of blows this thing sky high. And so it really kind of is a sweetheart message because I'm trying to go along with it and think and hope and pray that things will be different when I don't say something in hopes that it truly will go that way until I run out of emotional gas. What does that mean? That means I hit a breaking point where I realize I'm not going to be okay. I'm going to have a mental health, a physical health break in myself, in my experience, if I don't say something. And that will be the moment that actually words are spoken. Not because I want to hurt you, not because I want to break your heart, not because I've tried to do this in secret or be disingenuous or malicious or all the things that we can make up because of it, but because I've tried my best and I've hoped that it would change. And now I'm at a critical point where I've got to say, I just can't do this anymore, and I'm sorry. And that's usually what we say, and that's what that means, the best I can put it into words is I've tried, I've done my best, I've tried to go along with, do what you asked, put in, do all the things. Now, would it have behooved them to say something sooner? Absolutely. That goes without being said. But they didn't know how. They were afraid of doing it. They were afraid of what was going to happen. They were afraid of breaking your heart. They were afraid of the aftershock. They didn't know how to navigate it either. They did what any loving person would do. They just went along with it, hoping it would change and get better. But if I were to ask you, the person who's received the news, how many things have you done just the same with gone along with it, put up with it, tolerated it, didn't disclose it, didn't hold the boundary, didn't ask for what you needed, hoping that it would just get better. It's no different. It's just one recognized that I just can't do this anymore for my own peril and sense of well being. And the other one was okay with just continuing status quo because she thought things were okay. And that's really the net result of it.

So for I'm sure there's a listener or two or three or four that, look, I heard what you said, Stacy, but damn, you know, it seems like, you know, he or she could have maybe shared a little sooner. Like, because this has just blown our entire life apart. So I just, not to be redundant or ask you to state what you just stated again, but because we hear this, we hear this from people that are going through our roadmap. And I get it, it's like, how could this come out of nowhere? There were signs along the way that we both.

So I'm gonna just take this a step further and ask you, listener, regardless of what end of the conversation you're on here, take a big breath and just answer this simple question for yourself. Where are places and spaces where you yourself haven't been able to speak up? Because when you ask yourself that question, it's gonna give you the answer to why it is your partner didn't speak up faster. And we all have places and spaces like that. Whether that's with our children, our boss, our parents, our friends, siblings, siblings. We all have a heck of a time with this. And there are all places and spaces where we feel uncomfortable. And I want you to look at the reason why you don't speak up. And you know, what's precious in the human condition is more times than not you're going to find that it's because I don't want to upset them, I don't want to hurt their feelings, I don't want them to struggle. I don't want em to be unhappy. I don't want to make it more difficult for them. So it comes from a really sweetheart place. And so I justify my own needs or how I'm perceiving it to just let it go because that's the kindest gift I give. But as we do that, we also don't understand that that becomes a burden I carry that part we underestimate grossly that there is a price that I carry it. And if it happens again and again and it continues to be a repetitive thing and every time I'm called to carry it, it gets a little heavier. I just want you to see, emotionally that's how we run out of gas.

Yeah, it gets so heavy that you literally can't get out of bed in the morning, you know?

Correct. Correct. That's correct. And all the while I continue to not address it because I don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't want to be unkind, I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to be a burd burden. I don't want to make it more difficult. I want to say it, but I don't know what to do after, like I. I don't know how to navigate this. I don't know what to do. So maybe I'm doing a kind thing, at least perceivably for the two of us. And so that's why we want to be more empathetic because we can all relate to places and spaces when we stop and think about places where I don't speak up, spaces where I roll over. And I want you to think about the reasons of why and then that will help you understand what your partner is going through and why it took so long for them to finally say something much to your devastation. Yes, it can feel like a just a betrayal, like they were being disingenuous or withholding information, but that really isn't the truth. They were trying to actually hope that things would get better. They were actually trying to be kind and give it a space and a moment and not be a problem. So they just didn't say anything and we all could relate to that.

I'm just going to add a little bit deeper onto this. You have to be very honest with yourself in this situation when you're Pondering the reasons why your partner took too long, or you're just confused in the mess of being left with your partner's request for space. A question you can ask yourself is, was I a safe person for my partner to say this to? Like, think about it. If you collapsed at the smallest of criticisms in the past, you know, which I did, I did in many of my relationships, I was not a safe person for my partner to share. If they were struggling because I collapsed and became inconsolable and said, you're leaving me, you know, what can I do? Just became instantly desperate because I was anxious. I'm not blaming you if this is how you've been. I'm pointing it out so that you can see it would have been impossible for your partner to say this before they knew with 100% certainty that there was no other option because they didn't want to do that to you and they didn't want you to be despondent and desperate because they were. They didn't even know how to handle their own emotions. So then how could they then pick.

You off the floor?

It's a thing that happens a lot in relationships, and we just think, okay, to avoid that, I just need to hold everything in. So it's just, you know, mom too just said this. But it's also giving you a little bit more self reflection. Okay, well, I can see I wasn't a safe place for my partner to bring these things to me. And that's not to say that you're a bad person. It's to say that you don't have the skills that you need to be that person. So you're just missing some skills. But that also added to the lack of safety between the two of you to have the hard conversations that needed to be had before it got to this point.

Well, we can flip it the other direction. Just to give you some examples. If I love to be in control and every time somebody says something I don't like and I rip their face off, you're not a safe person. And the reason why you're not a safe person is not because you're a bad person, like Brooke just said, but because you don't have skills to regulate. And this is why in our work, every single beginning of a new journey begins with you getting in touch with yourself like this is imperative. There is no way we can create better if I don't learn what I need to know to understand about myself and how to ask for what I need, emotionally regulate myself, be able to navigate through Difficulties because I'll always be in a place where I'm reactive. Either rip your face off or collapse into a puddle of tears. An inconsolable puddle of tears. And I want you to see both of those make a very unsafe person. To actually say, this is really difficult for me. I'm not doing well, we need some things to change. How in the world will we ever have those conversations? How will we ever be brave enough to have those conversations if we don't have a safe place to dance with it without taking it personal? Get defensive, rip somebody's face off. And you might go, stace, Brooke, Tom. Okay, I hear what you're saying, but nobody has the ability to do that. And I would say, not true. There's not a lot of demonstrations of them. But if we learn the principles and skills, what we're talking about is absolutely 100% possible all the time, perfectly. No, absolutely not. We're messy, we're mess making machines. But at least I've got some skills to reach for so that I can build some self esteem and confidence and navigating through it. And the more I do it, the better I get at it. So yes, you'll still have challenges and problems that come up, but when they do, you'll be able to move through them faster and more efficiently. You'll be able to get back to what we call the good stuff quicker because you have them instead of everybody doing that thing that they do where we sit on it for as long as possible because we're not a safe person to have the conversation with at all. It finally comes out in the heat of the moment because I finally can't take it anymore, I'm losing my shit. I take it out on you. We have a big blowout and then the whole cycle repeats. It's like a rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat until we just can't do it anymore. Not because I don't love you, but because I run out of emotional capacity to do it, to carry it, to deal with it. And so we go, wow, I guess this must be the moment where we just kind of chalk it all up and call it quits without realizing there are so many things you're missing in the equation and principles and skills of love and life. So many things that you're negating and that you just simply don't understand. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It just means we don't roll up our sleeves and learn about love and relationships unless we take a pause and jump into it, that's it. Right? And we're going to be anxious just like Brooke. Like she. What she just shared with you is brave and courageous because she's still anxious. She still gets anxious. But once she does get anxious, she knows what to do instead of what she used to do that she just described to you. And that makes all the difference in the world.

And it's really helpful when you get anxious to something that I've used in situations like that where I know my partner is telling me something that's hard for them to say. And remember that them having this feeling doesn't change who I am as a person. Just because they've been offended or something that I've been doing has unintentionally hurt them doesn't automatically mean I'm a terrible person. That removes the need to anxiously defend myself. And it also helps to remember this isn't about me, this is about them. And if I make it about me, it's going to violate the trust that we have because he's coming to me with a genuine concern that I know is hard for him to share. So if I automatically turn it into a sob story where he has to make me feel better, that's going to stop him from wanting to do that. So just those two things make it much easier to kind of step out of yourself and really hear what your partner is saying.

And my favorite place would just be rip your face off. I don't want to hear what you have to say. Oh, you're not coming along for the ride? Well then, okay, no problem. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm just going to march forward and hope you can catch up. You know, you'll see the light eventually. It'll make sense to you. Eventually. I hope I'm, you know, still around. Well, that's a terrible way to navigate relationships because there is no common co creation there. Like when somebody says, I'm struggling, it's not about you, it's about them. And we so personalize things. We, we are so quick to make it about ourselves in our own fears and doubts and needs to get validated for the thoughts and feelings that I have, the recognition that I matter. And in relationships we need to learn how to step out of that. And I can only do that if I have some working acumen of me. If I am a hot mess and I am conflicted and I'm spiraling, whether I count, I matter. I'm loved, I'm seen, I'm valued, my points of view and Opinions mean something, then I'm never going to have the ability to listen to somebody else. I just won't. I won't get off it in my need to feel validated long enough to hear actually what somebody else is saying. So our biggest problem in relationships is taking things personal when it's really not about you. It's about you being able to listen and hear your partner and what they're struggling with and not feel as though you should have known or should have been there to fix it, that you're responsible for it, that it's your job to correct it or know what they need. Like, all of those are great examples of personalizing something. And yet that's exactly what we do. And so you see the emotional exhaustion. Literally, that happens when we are trying desperately to get our validation because we can't and don't know how to give it to ourselves. And we feel responsible for the emotional experiences and behaviors of our partner and that there's something you can do to affect that difference. You're never going to make it because you are not responsible for those things. You won't understand. Those things are not happening inside of you. There's no way you're going to be able to remedy them and fix them. And if I can't translate my own experience into a language that first I can understand so we can even have a conversation about it, do you start to see how we're so dead in the water? It's going to be a process of I act out, you act out, I act out, you act out, the whole thing escalates. And yes, eventually space and separation is going to be the net result of that. That is good news because that is when we come to the table and we start to learn all the things that we've been talking about now for more than 20 minutes.

It's time for question number two.

That was a good question, though. I just want the person to know who sent it in. That was very. It was a very deep question. But I think a lot of people are going to benefit from you having the courage to ask it. Our next question is, is it okay for me to send a message like, hey, I hope you had a good week and have fun this weekend? It's about five days after my partner asked for space. And how do I know if it's.

Appropriate to reach out if there's no agreements around it? It's always appropriate to reach out when you feel inspired to. It's. I want you to think about this. It's not so much about what we do, it's about why we do it. So if you're being honest with yourself, are you reaching out because you genuinely want them to know that you're thinking about them, or are you secretly hoping they'll respond? Now, the reason why that's a big deal is because if it's the latter, if you're actually reaching out hoping that they will respond to essentially assure your own fears and anxieties, well, then you're setting yourself up for more fear and anxiety. Because the, the instant you hit send, you're going to be on the clock waiting for their response, which is going to make you anxious and insecure all day long. You're going to be sitting there waiting, and then you're going to start making up stories about not only did they not respond, but how long did it take them to respond. And then when they did respond, what did they say? And then I'm going to take that message and I'm going to spin it into a whole host of things that it has meaning making about it within me. And so this is why it's a nightmare for you.

Break that thing down like a forensic crime scene.

It's a nightmare for you to even send the message from that place in space. If you're sending it from that place, don't send it, just don't send it. Because it's going to turn in to a nightmare for you. It's going to heighten your fears, your insecurity, your fact that you're feeling like you don't matter or exist or count at all. And it would be better for you to use that energy in doing something to reconnect with yourself. If you are genuinely in a place where you're saying, hey, I'm thinking about you today. I hope you have a great week. And there are no attachments to it whatsoever. Whether they respond or they don't respond, you just want them to know that you're thinking about it. Then send the message, hit send. It's all about why you're doing emotionally what you're doing, what's the driver behind it.

Obviously, unless there's been an agreement in place that you're not going to be in contact, but maybe just once a week or whatever, you want to honor that agreement.

Agree. Agree. More times than not, though, people don't have agreements in regards to space and separation. But I'm glad that you brought that up because in our work that's imperative. Like you have to have a parameter to create success and build trust and forward movement but most of us don't even think about those things. So most couples don't have any agreements. And so we get spinning in this space. Hence the question, should I, shouldn't I, should I? I don't know. We're in a place of space. Well, then you've got to look at the emotional driver. Why are you doing what you're doing? You don't need more insecurity, you don't need more self doubt, you don't need more self deprecation. And another reason to like personalize something, you need to be able to send it because you genuinely just want them to know that you're thinking about it. And then you need to go back to your day, go back to your life. And if they respond, they respond, and if they don't, they don't and you're going to be okay. If you don't have it to risk, don't send the message.

This is really a good opportunity to be very integral with yourself. Integrity starts with us individually first.

Well, this is a huge part of the work that we do because a lot of people might go, wait a minute, I didn't even know to check in with myself. I know, that's the point. We've got to get in touch with where I'm at, what I have the ability to give and what it is I can risk with someone else. And a lot of us don't spend any time considering such things. Again, I'm going to say this just because I feel like it's really important to our listeners. Listeners out there. It's not what you do that matters so much. It's why you're doing what you do that's going to backfire or give you life. And most of us don't take the time or even consider emotionally why I'm doing what I'm doing. The driver is everything and can tell you so much about why it works and why it doesn't.

The next one is. I feel like we've talked about some of it. In the first question. My partner and I separated because I wasn't able to communicate effectively. I think we've talked a lot about that part. She's now moved on to a new relationship, but I still love her. How should I approach this situation and how do I kind of get over that when I'm still so in love with her, but she's moved on and with another person?

There's a couple of things that I would just invite you to look at. It's awesome that you love her and you Know what? You probably will for the rest of your life. And there have been several people in my life that I love deeply. But for one reason or another, either because of where I was in my own journey of life, or where they were in their own journey of life, the net result of that was not co creation or a sharing of life together. And we don't talk about this often, but I want it to be said here because it matters, because it counts. We can love people deeply and for whatever reason, a whole host of reasons not have the opportunity to live together and co create life. But that doesn't mean we have to stop loving them. So that would be my first point. We have it in our society in this romantic notion that if I love you and I have these strong feelings for you, then we're supposed to force us or ourselves to be together. And there's a whole lot of reasons why that's not a really great idea. Because of where I am in my maturation process. Because of where you are in your maturation process. Because why don't we get together? You know, we don't co create very well, but I love you and I admire you. Those are just some real basic examples. So it's awesome that you love her. And I am going to continue to remind you that love is an expansive thing. That you have the capacity as a human being to love many, many people very deeply. It is not a one and only. It's one of the reasons why you'll never hear us talk about soulmates here. Because we have the capacity to love many people deeply doesn't mean they're good partners for us to co create with. Those are two very different things. If we didn't have the capacity to love many people deeply, then we wouldn't have the ability to love the people that we do in our lives. And if we were to all maybe start listing the people that we do love, we'll find that there's a lot of people on that list. From lovers, current and past, from children to parents to siblings to friends. So we have the capacity to love many, many. It's an expansive thing. And the more we love, ironically, the more we can love. Ask any mother who has more than one child and she'll tell you, absolutely, I was afraid that I couldn't love the second as much as the first. And then you realize, wow, I actually can love 2. I can love 3. I can love 6. I can love 8. I can love 13, I can love 24, I can love 48. Like it just continues to increase and go on and on. That is cool and a wonderful thing that we don't talk about. We talk about it as though this is a little thing, this little finite thing. I can only ever have this experience one time. No, that's not true. That is absolutely not true. And I want you to hear me say that. Second, if she's moved on and she's in another relationship, this is a place where I want you to realize because of what I just said, you have the capacity to go on and love somebody as deeply or more than what you love her. And it's not a comparison, it's not a judgment. I'm just letting you know that opportunity is for you. But here's the caveat. You gotta go create it. It's not just gonna fall in your lap. And you can sit and watch her life and what she's doing and feel terrible. And you can use that to twist yourself into a hot mess. Or you can recognize and realize you have the capacity to love again and love just as much as you loved her. And that I can create this in my own life when I'm ready. And the last thing I want to say about this question is all of us are going to have communication issues in our relationships. And it's not so much the problem of communication, Although words are very clunky, like, they're. They're not very good mechanisms in order for us to be able to communicate the complexities of our thoughts and our feelings. But it's all we got, so we're going to use it. More of the problem when it comes to communication is what we've touched on in earlier questions, which is my ability to regulate the emotions that start to run really fast. Fast. And when those emotions start to run really fast, I'm going to collapse or I'm going to rip somebody's face off because I don't know what else to do. And this is where the ability to have some skills on board really help us so that we can continue to sustain or know when we need to pause the conversation and come back around to it. Conversations and the more complex and difficult they are need to be very slow and very intentional with a tremendous amount of skill. And if you're asking yourself right now, I don't know what those skills are, well, then you know why you got a communication problem. Okay, so first emotional regulation and then communication skills. And it needs to go in that order. Otherwise you're not going to be successful with communication at all.

Rumor has it that we have some type of a awesome communication workbook coming out, don't we?

Yes, we do.

Stay tuned. This has been in the works for quite some time because it is absolutely the number one problem that people cite. Whether they book a clarity call with me or they come start working with Stacy individually or us as a family and group, it's the number one problem that they identify.

Wow. So for good reason, right? Humans talk. That's how we express ourselves and exchange ideas and information. So humans talk, but if we talk and we don't know what to do outside of running our mouths, then we're going to find ourselves in a problem.

It's going to be a very short lived conversation or it's going to be.

One that you never, never utter a word. And both are problems, absolute problems that over the long haul will create a need for space and separation.

And will the workbook be covering all this?

Yeah, it will.

Stay tuned.

The next question is what should I do if my partner won't openly express their need for space? How can I create opportunities for honest communication without pushing them away? I rephrase the question a little bit, but she said, I can sense that he needs space, but he isn't comfortable letting me know.

I would just suggest to you that you invite him by saying, sweetheart, if you need some space, just go ahead and let me know. I'll be okay. If that's really what you want, then when you're ready, ask for it and that's the best gift you can give them. It's just kind of like saying I sent you need some space. Like speak directly to it. I sent you need some space. And I just want you to know if that's truly what you need, then go ahead and say so and I'll be okay. That's the important part. Because remember what we talked about earlier? Why I don't speak up is because I don't believe for whatever reason that you are A a safe place or B going to be okay. And so I don't feel like I can. So don't forget that last piece. But here's the other side of the coin I'm going to challenge you on is if you are sensing they need space, are you sensing you need space too? So why are you so in tune with this need for space? Is it because it's something that you're thinking you would hope that they say and I just don't want to say it, I'm hoping they will because that's often the case. So we say things like that I'm sensing you need some space. Well, the truth is, if we get right down to it, I want space. And I'm hoping that you'll get to it first so that I don't have to be the person to ask for it. And if that's your situation, then I am ask yourself, am I not saying it for the reasons we've touched on? Because I'm afraid they're not going to be okay. And so I'm hoping they'll ask for it, because then I know they can just, you know, be responsible for that, and I can get what it is I want to. And those can be really tricky places. I get it. But listen, here's the deal. Nothing good can happen unless we start disclosing where we are and what we need. So if you are the one that's truly wanting space, you could simply say, I'm sensing that you're wanting space, and we're both just afraid to talk about it. Is that true? And we can step into a conversation about it, because that will open the door, too. And then you could be honest and say, I know. I've been sensing it for a while, too. How do we want to put together this in a good way? It's supportive to both of us. What would you need? Here's what I would need. Let's just take a back step for a minute. Often, too, it goes the other way. I just had this happen with some private clients of mine where, you know, we had been working for a while, learning skills, and they were practicing and doing a really great job. But every time, it kind of came down to making the decision to go back to old patterns or actually practice what it is they were learning, they would hit a wal of resistance to where everybody kind of went back to their old ways, which is common. It's normal. So the last time they were in my office, I said, look, here's the deal. We either need to start going in a new direction or we need to just call it. And they were shocked. And here's why I did that. Not because I don't want their relationship to work, quite the contrary, but because sometimes to push through resistance, we have to have an honest conversation. And the wife finally confessed. I wanted to be done for a while or just take a back step. And I haven't known how to say it because I don't feel like my partner's gonna be okay. And I says, okay, well, here's the deal. We're gonna separate and oh, my gosh, did the energy in the room change? We're gonna Call it. We're gonna abs. I'm gonna make the call right now. I'm gonna call it. And then the whole conversation was them now fighting for it. And that was exactly what I was hoping for. And I said, here's the deal. Go sit with it on, you know, and then we're going to decide what our next steps are for 24 hours. Because sometimes we get so caught in our old patterns that we have this wall of resistance in regards to, well, I shouldn't need to do this. You do this, we get caught in this push, pull and this personalization that we've been talking about without realizing. We forget. At the end of the day, for God's sakes, we either go in a better direction or this thing is going to blow to high hell. So let's blow it up then. If this is what you're gonna do and this is how you're gonna show up and you're not gonna do what it is, you know, you need to be doing, let's blow it up and just save everybody the pain. And then all of a sudden, they were fighting for it because I remembered that I care. I remember that I love you. I remember that I want this. And I'm just really struggling with myself. It's not the person you're staring back with that's the problem, really. It's the person that lives within you that has probably been ignored, neglected, allowed to act out as a monster. That is your greatest challenge. And so sometimes we need to remember what's important and what it is I'm really trying to create here. And then we can open up doors for better, more honest conversations so we can stop living and pretend an illusion. And that's why it's important that if you're truly the one that's wanting space and you're just hoping your partner will actually say so, it would be better for you to open up the conversation so that we can actually do something in a more positive direction that will be life giving to both of you.

And to be fair, oftentimes that takes someone like Stacy or an outside person that can bring some permission and safety into a situation that's not. It's not there right now. It's nobody's fault but that those foundations have been breached. And so we don't have that capability to do that right now. It's no different than if we get a coach in any of our life. Right? I mean, it's just sometimes it's not possible for us to be able to create that on our own why you.

Wouldn'T know where to even look or how to approach it. And that's okay. We don't study relationships as much as like even driving a car. So how would you. It's not anybody's fault. You just don't know what you don't know, and that's okay.

This isn't really a question, but it was one comment that I came across that I wanted to share because it shows how, when you can understand the meanings behind space and like the drivers and what drives a person to ask for space, this is kind of what happens. So he says, I wish I knew this whole thing. About a month ago, I would have slapped myself in the face and said, look, the tighter you hold onto her, the more she will slip. Let her breathe a bit and everything will be okay.

So true. So, so true. But in our desperation to get our comfort from our partners, we cling tighter, we pursue more. And that's the emotional driver we were talking about earlier. The reality is the person that you love can't give you anything more than you can give yourself. And if I don't know how to give that to myself, then that's where I need to start. That's where I need to begin so that I can give that. If. If I can't give it, I won't be able to listen. I'm not going to show up so well. I'm going to act out, I'm going to personalize things. I'm not going to be a safe person. Those are all things that we've touched on today, and that's going to have far greater impact than what your partner is doing in all of your relationship, not just this one. It just happens to be that it's being highlighted here and now. And the really great news is there's not a person on the planet who can't learn how to manage all of the things that we've talked about and touched on today. Like, there's nothing wrong with you, you're not broken, you don't need a diagnosis. You need skills. You need to understand the principles that govern the emotional experiences of life. Because after all, our relationships are the most emotional experience you're ever going to have in your journey of life, being on this planet. And choices in those emotional places and spaces have consequences. And we are. We're playing with things that we just simply don't understand. And that's okay. But now you have a place where you can come and understand them and learn them, practice them, know them and build a mastery and A confidence in them so that you don't have to feel helpless, worthless, insignificant anymore. As a result, it will improve your conversations, your ability to listen, your ability to navigate through difficult times and situations and moments. It will change your life.

Last question. How should I handle this situation with my children, ages 11 and 13, while I'm navigating separation, should I be honest with them about my sadness? I think her 11 year old is very perceptive to her feelings. Or is it better to shield them from my emotions to avoid having them worry?

I would say do a combo. And here's what I mean by that. Our children need to know that sadness is a part of the deal, that it's okay to be sad and that I feel sad, you're going to feel sad, and that's normal. And that sad things happen. What they also want to know is that it's going to be okay that we can get through sadness. This isn't going to be the end of the road. And you know what's so wonderful about this question is that as you reassure your children, you're actually reassuring yourself. I can't tell you how many times my children played a pivotal role in some very difficult, dark times in my life because I wanted them to know that there was hope. I would tell them there was hope when I didn't know how I was going to amass it. But you know, I could even look back beyond that in being a child of losing a father at a very young age, at the age of seven, and my mom being left to raise five children and she didn't know how she was going to do it. Let's be honest, as parents, we don't know how we're going to accomplish a lot of the things that then end up playing out. And she would show us her sadness, but she would also reassure us that it's going to be okay. We're going to be happy, we're going to figure this out. And I think that's the gift that you give to your children, that having these strong emotions is human of us and that it's sad and we're going through a difficult time. Like speak to it so they don't feel like they're crazy. Don't try and convince them it's not hard or difficult. Tell them and share with them. It is difficult and I get it. I'm having difficulty. Are you too you. Let's have a share about it. We're going to figure this out together. I don't have all the answers, but together. I know we're going to be okay because that's what they need. That's what they need in order to have hope. And that's what you need to say in order to remember that there's always hope and possibility for a new day yourself. So I would encourage that kind of a conversation. I hope that helps you.

All right, thank you so much. To everyone who asked a question and had the courage to put their thoughts and feelings on TikTok or Instagram or in, in our comments or in texts, we couldn't thank you more for having the courage and asking the question. Because it's not just you who has these questions, it's thousands of people who are wondering these things. And your gift of asking them is going to help a lot of people feel better too.

And if you by chance are listening and think to yourself, I have a question I'd like to ask. Well, then I'm going to tell you to ask it. Hit that little link and ask it because it's such a wonderful benefit and a gift to yourself. Yes, but all the listeners here that are listening to the answers of the other previous listeners that have asked their questions, we love this, by the way. So if you ask us a question, I promise we'll answer it. Also, if you haven't already, I would encourage you to get our free separation survival kit for additional support in this conversation space. And you can do that by hitting the link in the show notes. Also, if you're feeling like you really know that you need to have a place of reconnecting with yourself, we've touched on it a few times and the questions and I'm hoping that it's starting to make sense for you as to why it is we need to get into a place where I can translate my thoughts and feelings and know where I'm at and what my emotional drivers are from a place of understanding myself. It is the place where relationships are created and actually regenerated. And so if I don't have a working place in this space within myself, it's really difficult to navigate anywhere. We'll continue to just act out and create more of the same things that we've always experienced. And so if that's you, then I want you to know that we also have a self paced 30 day roadmap available for you right now and you can check out all the details about that program where we literally give you what it is you need for you to develop some of the things that we've talked about on this episode today and just go to the sales page and check it out. You're gonna know if it's right for you because it is a great place to begin understanding yourself and relationships and how these principles and skills that we consistently talk about stack on themselves. And it really does begin with you because you are at the center and the heart of it all and it depends on you knowing yourself and being able to advocate. Speak up, talk about, share, right hand, pause and listen. That's going to make all the difference in your relationship journey. And then it becomes a focus on you mastering who you have the capacity to be and letting go of feeling like you've got to save, teach, preach, encourage, enroll, fix, diagnose, label your partner. You're putting your energy where it really can be leveraged and have an incredible return on your investment of effort. It's right here with you. So you can check all the details out in the in the summary. You can also go to staceybartley.com and check out the self paced 30 day roadmap.

It's in the Programs tab on our homepage.

A little bit of Follow the fun today is, you know, I didn't know that this was going to fit so appropriately, but it does. I want you to know that as human beings we are here to live life out loud. That you have a voice for a reason and that your voice counts. How you think and feel counts. It matters. And how often it is that we negate that voice or we hold onto that voice and then lash out because I haven't been using my voice for a really long time. If we understand that we are here to live out loud, much like a hummingbird singing in the trees doesn't really care who's listening or not listening. Listening that I sing because I have the capacity and the ability to sing. I'm going to invite you sometime today to sing, hum, talk to yourself, hear your voice, feel its sound in your body and feel the vibration of you. Because that's the closest thing we have of being able to connect with your voice. So use it. Get familiar with what it sounds like, feels like, vibrates like because it matters. You know why it matters? Because you matter. And you can get in touch deeper with yourself if you'll simply hear the sound of your own voice and commit to living this week a little out loud. Our song today is Kim. He has a song say since we're talking about using your voice, getting in touch with your voice, understanding your voice, this song is exceptionally appropriate. It it's important that we say what we need to say. It's important that you say what you need to say, and not from a place where you say what you feel like is acceptable, but say the truth of what it is you're really thinking and feeling. It might be true for just this moment. It's not the holy grail of all truth forever and all times. But if it's true in this moment, it's true for you to at least allow it and acknowledge it, knowing that you can change your mind tomorrow. It's totally okay. Emotions do that. So you can check that song out on our Spotify playlist and you can also check it out by going to our website@staceybartley.com thank you so much for spending some of your time with us today. We so treasure you listening, sharing our podcast. It means the world to us and we also love knowing that this podcast makes a difference in your life and the lives of those people that you love. So thank you so much for letting us know that and send you off with a big huge hug and look forward to being back here with you next time. Bye Bye. All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.