#214: Obligation Is Killing Your Relationship—Here’s How to Stop It

Have you ever felt like you're the only one holding your relationship together? Like every conversation, every action, every decision is something you have to force yourself to do just to keep it together and keep the peace. Maybe you're bending over backwards, showing up, staying patient, biting your tongue, but deep down, it's not out of love anymore. It's out of obligation. When love starts to feel like a chore, when intimacy feels like something you are owed instead of something you experience from a place of choice and desire, well, the truth is resentments, Russia. And here's the brutal truth about the whole thing. Obligation isn't just draining you. It's killing the very emotional connection you're trying so hard to save. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for those at a relationship crossroads. If you're facing daily conflict, emotional distance, or feeling like the person you love is slipping away, you're in the right place. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship mentor who has spent over a decade helping couples navigate the hardest moments of life and love. I'm joined by my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke. And together, we help you understand what's really happening in your relationship and what you can do, more importantly, to change it. So here's the question today. What if obligation, this thing you think is holding your relationship together, is actually the reason it's falling apart? Hmm. In today's episode, we'll break down the silent ways obligation poisons love. And most importantly, how to shift from obligation to genuine choice. It's time to see your relationship in a way you've never seen it before. So let's dive in.

Hi.

Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

I thought it might be important for us to actually define obligation, because sometimes we're not quite sure what it is and how it plays a role in our life, in our relationships. So the meaning of obligation is a duty, responsibility, or commitment that a person is bound to fulfill, either morally, legally, or socially. It arises from laws, agreements, personal values, or societal expectations. Obligations often require a person to take specific actions or refrain from certain behaviors because of, again, their agreements, their laws, their social structure, you know, their. Their upbringing, their family of origin. And so it is. Right, And I'll just say maybe I should back up here. One of the biggest constructs of obligation is the marriage. The union of husband and wife, whatever that looks like. There are good things and challenging things about that, and often you don't have to look very far to see that. Very often people point to the construct of marriage as though that's the thing that destroyed their relationship. And we dismiss this. Those of us who are pro marriage or or anti marriage. Doesn't matter what side of the camp you're on because here's the thing that we don't understand. It has nothing to do with whether we marry or we don't. And it has everything to do with the principles of obligation. The construct of marriage simply just layers on now legal aspects that we would have to navigate through or legal obligations that we would have to navigate through versus just a commitment emotionally between you and me. And there are benefits and challenges for doing such. So whether you're anti or you're probably. I want you to see this conversation today really applies to you. It's not so much about what you choose to do or where you fall there. It's about how we handle those constructs of agreements. Those constructs of obligation are going to actually have an interplay in your life.

Would you say the obligations that we're talking about today that destroy relationships are spoken or unspoken?

Both.

Okay.

I would say both because sometimes they're self inflicted. Based on where I come from, I could be holding myself to an obligation that nobody else knows about, but it's important to me because of the way I was raised or the religion that I come from. And then you start layering on additional. Right. Layers of obligation based in our legal construct or my expectations that I perceive you have of me or vice versa. So these layers of obligations come in many shapes and forms and they are interplaying with our lives. And most of us are completely unaware of the role that obligation plays in our lives at all. In fact, we can also use this conversation of obligation to manipulate, to control, to force, to coerce. It can become a wonderful little leverage tool. If I know what makes you feel guilty or what your belief or value system is, I can use it to an advantage.

This reminds me one of our roadmap members, I would say maybe she was the first or second round. She said this concept of obligation blew her mind. We speak about agreements in the roadmap, commitments and agreements. And she said after going through the couple of days about agreements and commitments, she realized the main reason why her and her partner were struggling so much in their marriage was they both came into the marriage with completely different ideas about what being married meant and what the man and woman's roles were. They were basically opposite, but they never spoke about it. So they both were feeling completely unsatisfied, but they could not understand why because they didn't know what to talk about and she just said it completely blew her mind. And I. I'll never forget that.

That's a great example, Brookie, of why it is marriage has such impact on our relationships. Again, it's not this day of celebration. It's because of how we hold marriage and our own thoughts and in our own experiences and what that means that I'm obligated to do and my partner is obligated to do, but we never have a conversation about it. We just presume it goes without mention.

The thing that really actually that stuck out to me the most in her share was that both of their ideas of how marriages work came from how their mothers acted in their marriages. So one of them was very kind of subservient to the male and the other one, the other marriage was very equal on both sides. So the dad and the mom, you know, switched jobs a lot. They both did the cooking, they both shared the duties. And so you could see why those examples would create a lot of different expectations and obligations and what they thought their marriage was going to to be like.

Absolutely. That's very, very common. And, and we don't stop to think about these nuanced things. We actually think of marriage as like something that's going to give me a guarantee. We like the idea of the obligation because this means that you really want me, you really want to be with me, you really want to co create with me. So we might even on the flip side of this rush to get married to create a sense of obligation because it makes it feel like it's a little more sound and a little more foundational without realizing marriage doesn't give us any relationship doesn't already have, but it will absolutely cast a layer of obligation onto the relationship, which is why often we point to marriage as the problem. It's not the problem. It's. It's the foundation of what we believe is the expectation and obligation on it that then we start to foreshadow on ourselves and or our partners, that starts to cripple the relationship. Now, I also just want to be really clear here. Life and relationships are filled with obligations. They're going to happen. We have them in our life. It is something that we absolutely have to dance with. We have laws that we have to abide by whether we like it or not. We have obligations to doing things because of our choices, etc. That we may or may not like. So obligation is going to be part of the deal. But just like anything, obligations can become out of balance and are the only thing that often holds a relationship together. And if that happens, we are completely out of balance. The relationship has to contain more than obligation in order for it to be successful. But over time, very often it's the only thing that is keeping life in a relationship over time, the obligation of the finances, the obligation of the children, and the obligation of what it is and why it is we have to stay together from a religious context or a familiar context or a social, cultural context. So it's the layers of obligation that very much are now out of balance because there's nothing more to the relationship than the obligations that are holding it together. And it's a completely out of balance.

And when I would say that in those situations, there's a lot of bleeding out the back.

Oh, yeah, bleeding out the back. For our listeners who aren't private clients.

Bleeding out the back means you're taking care of what you're not receiving in your relationship. Relationship outside of it, it could be through overwork, over exercise, addiction situations, you know, alcohol, porn, I mean, whatever. I mean, it's just at some point in time, none of us has an unlimited Runway. If we're not getting what we need where we're at, our human desire and need is going to get it somewhere else. It's just how the universe is wired.

It's called coping. Yes, in one word, it's coping. We're coping to stay present and fulfill the obligations that we now find ourselves in. And we don't say oblig obligations. We say, I feel stuck. I feel like I don't have choices. I'm trapped. There's nothing I can do now. Or your, your loving family and friends may say, wow, you've made your bed, now lie in it. You know, here you go.

I also want people to think of obligation as also all the little tasks too. Like, I think we see obligation. Maybe as you know, I have to stay married because I made my vows. I'm obligated to be in this relationship. But it's also like, imagine if, I mean the longest day ever at work. And you know, when you come home, nothing in your emotional cup is going to get filled, but you have to take out the trash, you have to cook dinner, you have to put your kids in the bath and put them in bed. Like, all of that is obligation. So where is the balance? Like Mom 2 said, where you have some laughter or you kiss and hug or hold hands, or have a little fun and whimsy, those are the things that we're supposed to be feeling. But when we get so Mired in obligation. It makes everything so transactional. And maybe it's. It feels better to be at work than to be at home because you feel so obligated in your house, you know?

Yeah. And when out of balance becomes the case, the obligations will strangle the essence of the good stuff. What is the good stuff? Let's be clear. Intimacy, care, empathy, connection, desire in all of its forms, they are out of our experience and it's replaced with anger, resentment, exhaustion and abuses of many, many types in our efforts to cope and deal on a daily basis. So bottom line is obligation is doing things out of duty rather than choice or genuine desire. And I want to highlight, because this is so important, I want to highlight all the ways that obligation heals, literally destroys, strangles out of, breaks down the very connection that brought you and your partner together. It starts out great, goes along, and then little by little the life starts to get choked out of it. And it's usually obligation that's doing it. So it shows up in the pressure to show up emotionally when you're not ready or don't have it to give. We call this running out of emotional gas. But I keep obligating and this is usually self inflicted. I pressure myself to continue to give and do and put up with and endure until I literally cannot do it anymore. Because I recognize if I do, I won't be okay. I'm going to become, and I am becoming a shell of myself. This is a place also that when I'm in this place of exhaustion, it's just like asking somebody to show up for you when they're dead, sick, flat out on the couch, they got nothing in the tank to give you. So by nature of this, your intimacy is going to tank as well. So now we're forcing affection, sex and emotional connection because of the duty that you were my spouse and this is what a good spouse does, or you're my partner and that's what a good partner does. Without looking deeper into the places and spaces, how it is you've run out of emotional capacity and desire to do that in the first place. Like, where did it go? There's a bigger conversation there that either we together collectively have created as layers of obligation, or these obligations are self inflicted and you've done it to yourself and run yourself out of gas. I also want to point out the difference between commitment and obligation because I think it's really important. Okay, we would commingle these things as the same, but I want to remind you that commitments are made of free will. And choice, where an obligation is something that is imposed on me by others, my upbringing, religion, culture, society, family, the law, et cetera. And so the huge difference between commitment and obligation is just that a commitment is something that I willingly and freely choose into. There's a permission to make a choice there. An obligation is something that is forced upon me that I feel like I have no choice in it. And now think about all the ways right now where commitments in your own life have turned into obligations instead. Because that can be a really slippery slope. One can transform into the other very quickly without us really thinking through the things that I'm agreeing to. Much like the experience of the people in our roadmap process, we don't stop to think about these things. We just think, this is my bed, I need to lie in it. Now, choice is incredibly important. And we unknowingly place obligation on ourselves and on our partners. And this is going to all eventually backfire, which I personally propose. The idea to you is the nemesis of the breakdown of our relationships. I'm having this memory is probably back in like 2014, 15 even, where I remember seeing this meme on social media where two people in a relationship show up and they're sitting in a stoplight and the passenger says, you tell me you love me. And. And as she's doing it, do it now, she pulls a gun out of her purse and points it at her lover's head. And so sometimes that's what obligation feels like. It's like, I gotta do it or die, I gotta do it or else I'm not gonna be okay. You're not gonna be okay. What we've co created is not gonna be okay. And although there's some truth to that, this is highlighting the extreme moment where we need to sit down and think about, okay, wait a minute, maybe there's some places and spaces where I need to give myself the permission to first of all look, but second of all, redesign some things that I can willingly choose into. So before we give you those helpful techniques and behaviors, to really look at all the different ways that I can transform my obligation into something that is more life giving and more in the realm of choice, let's explore why subconsciously, some, sometimes we push against obligation even when we don't mean to. Like, because I said obligation is going to feel like it's a part of life, because it is a part of life. And there's many reasons that we do this, and we do this because of a few really deep seated psychological and emotional reasons we're all human here. So if we are, then these all apply to us. The first one I'm going to mention is a loss of autonomy. Humans are wired to value freedom and self determination. And when something feels like an obligation rather than a choice, we may resist it to protect our sense of control, even if we originally wanted to do the thing in the first place. We can also attempt to control others using the guilt of obligation. There was a client that I had back in the days when I was doing a lot of mediation. And here we are talking about how we're going to divide the finances and how we're going to, you know, have visitations set up for the children and the custody was split 50 50. And the wife in the equation was growing more and more frustrated and in the middle of our conversation, stood up right in my office and said, you're gonna love me, God damn it, because you promised to marry me and love me on the day that we came together. And, and that was such a, a moment of trying to use this sense of like obligation to continue their relationship and not dissolve it, even though there were so many reasons why, why nobody, including herself, was happy in the equation. It's like this desperation for many reasons to like cling to the things and say, you can't leave me, we're married, I won't let you, I won't allow it. That is all coming from a place of obligation because of the fears and insecurities that we feel in these very intense moments. That is a great example of my loss of autonomy or me being given autonomy that I don't want anymore because I'm used to you taking care of my lack thereof, of needing it. And so autonomy can be something that I long for and that I beg for and that I take. Or it could be something I am terrified of. I don't want autonomy. I want to do this with you together, not on my own. That's terrifying. Number two I'm going to step into is called innate reactance. There's a psychological principle called reactance, which is our instinctive resistance to being told what to do. Remember back to being a 2 or 3 year old, maybe a 5 year old, a 10 year old, a 17 year old, a 19 year old, honey.

I was model throughout it all, being.

Told what to do. When we perceive it as an obligation, it's imposed rather than freely chosen. We instinctively push back. This is where the power of learning how to use an ask comes into incredible importance. Because if we are constantly telling our partners what to do, hell, if we are constantly telling ourselves what to do. That narrative internally becomes very, very resistant, as well as somebody telling me what to do, and I don't want to. I don't want to take it anymore. You know, babe, when you and I talk about the phone and you doing this and you doing that, and I've got this, and this is how it's going to go down. I have a very sensitive.

That's why I don't ever touch. Even when I know it's going to run out of battery and it's going to cause us problems later. I'm just going to leave it right.

Where it is because I have a highly sensitive.

I was charging my phone not too long before we recorded this podcast, and I needed my phone charged, and Stacy's phone was dead, so I had to take my phone.

You are a born rebel. And it's funny because we're not even telling you what to do, but that's how you take it. It's just your natural essence takes it that way. Even when we're just trying to be helpful, you take it as we're telling you. You don't know better. You have to do it this way.

100% spot on. I take full responsibility.

Not too many mornings ago, I take my phone off the charger when I wake up because it's fully charged, because that's how I like it to be when I wake up. I was going to put Stacy's phone on the charger. She said, I thought you asleep. Don't you touch that. Oh, man. Like, he's got eyes and like, it's dark. Okay, I guess I won't be touching it.

So true.

Because when the alarm goes off, Stacy's not a real strong morning person. She doesn't want to go too far before she got turned the alarm off. So now I don't touch the phone. Let's leave it right there.

Exactly.

Uncharging. It's going to run out of gas. It's okay.

I have a high sensitivity to innate reactants. Don't tell me what to do. It fires me up. It can be a nemesis, and it can actually be a superpower, depending on how it's used, which all of these can be, by the way. If somebody tells me you can't do that, I'm like, well, let me show you how. And if somebody starts to tell me what to do, I can become a handful. So the next one I want to talk about is the emotional weight of things. And we so underestimate this. The emotional weight of Things obligation can carry an emotional burden, especially if they feel tied to expectations, guilt or pressure from others. If fulfilling the obligation feels heavy or you're tied to some kind of an external need for approval. What we're really resisting is the emotional strain and exhaustion from the obligation, not the obligation itself. It's because it carries this emotional weight for me that I don't sometimes know how to carry. We can talk about it in forms of like emotional overwhelm. I describe it a lot as emotional capacity because I just don't have the capacity to do it anymore. I'm getting exhausted. My emotional like gas gauge is going down, down, down, down, down. And I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to deal with this. And very often emotional exhaustion will create more coping in our lives, not less. And so considering the emotional weight of the obligation is something to be considered, but often we don't. We feel like we should just be able to carry it, do it, deal with it, whatever the cost and whatever the experience. All the ones that I've mentioned thus far, and I've got a few more to mention, they impact how I show up in my life and in my relationships and engage with others, including myself. And so you start to see obligations have a lot of emotional weight to them. There's also the fear of failure. Sometimes we avoid obligations because they cause us to confront the possibility of falling short in something. If an obligation is tied to performance or expectations, our subconscious may resist as a way to escape failure. This happen actually often in the places of sex, especially in men. It's usually the underlying psychological belief or factor in the lack of being able to get and sustain an erection. Because I have this fear of performance and it not going well, so I'll just avoid it altogether. Or when the act ensues, I can't, I can't cope, I can't manage it. And all things fall apart because of the obligation that I'm supposed to be able to do this. And it's turned into a layer of performance instead of something that I'm willingly choosing in. And however it goes, it's going to be okay. That's an obligation, not a get to. There's also resentments from the past experiences. If by chance we felt controlled, manipulated or burdened in the past by obligations that really weren't ours to carry, say being the oldest in your family, family of origin, and you were obligated and pressured to take care of all your younger siblings, you know, we may carry resistance to even healthier, reasonable Responsibilities today as a protective mechanism. So the expectation trap. If they loved me, they would do blah sets in and can run our lives 100%. And then conflicting desires. Sometimes we genuinely want to fulfill an obligation. But. But other desires, say comfort, rest, fun, personal goals will compete with those obligations. And now we find ourselves in an internal conflict with what to do. The subconscious resistance can stem from inner conflict rather than outright rejection. And we don't consider these things. I make up a lot of rules in my obligation structure that if you don't want to do this, then that means fill in the blank without realizing, oh, there's so much more going on than that. I can actually want to step into these obligations. But again, for the fear of what it's going to impose upon me, I'm not quite sure I can manage it all. And we have a heck of a time talking about these kinds of things unless it's been modeled to us. Well, everybody raise your hand that's had that modeled. Like, honey, let's sit down and talk about how we feel around our obligations, our commitments and our agreements. What's working for you and what isn't. Has anybody heard their parents or demonstrations of relationships that say that ever? Never.

I feel like saying let us talk about our obligations could possibly be worse than the saying of we need to talk.

Exactly.

So true. Everybody goes, what? Yeah. We wouldn't even know what we're talking about. I would just take it as a huge beat up of guilt and shame. Like it's almost like cue the dysfunction. Ding. We're a hot mess before we even sit down at the table and understand what it is we're talking about. So true. Okay, there's one more important one that I want to mention before we move on to how and what to do differently. Burnout. If obligations start piling up, our subconscious may push back as a form of self preservation. Even small commitments can trigger resistance when we feel overloaded. And. And babe, this is where I think we can cue your. Your obligation is right. The layers and layers and layers of. Yeah, no, yeah, I wish. If you're listening to this auditorily, you should have seen the look on his face.

I think my dad. For anyone who's a new listener, Tom is my dad, Stacy is my stepmom. So I grew up with my dad being probably. He had the most external obligations and the most self imposed obligations of any person on the planet and experienced several periods of burnout during my childhood as a result of this.

Well said. Must be sturdy because I'm still standing. Yeah, and, and a slow learner. And I married a woman who has like a, like a community just as a family, you know, like numbers don't even mean anything to her.

Well, here's the thing. You're going to learn how to deal with that. It's going to crush you. So thank goodness you've come a long way and, I don't know, more than a decade or two.

Yeah. And you've become much more aware of your capacity, I think, and you are able to see future casts better and say, no, I don't have the capacity to do that. You know, in the past you would.

Say yes to everything, still dream of.

Tahiti and being on one of those little huts, you know, where you just, you take the pier out to the water and you're right there. That's where I see us. Yeah.

In my own obligations. I was having a conversation with Tom not too long ago and I was saying, looking back, you know, as we all do in our obligations, I should have done this and I should have done that. Should have gone like this. Oh, maybe it should have been like that. And I, I just kept going and going, going and it was so sweet. At one point in time, he just touches my leg and says, babe, all of that is really true, but you know what? As a result, you wouldn't have me. And I went, okay, well said. Absolutely, well said. You're right. So that's, that's sometimes the way we need to look at obligations. Right. We need to constantly reevaluate them and look at them and be aware of them. And now we're stepping into the key to working with our resistance in obligations, obligations and all of the obligations that are going to press upon us that cause us to go, oh, I see it now. I should have done this, I should have done that.

I want to remind people that the thing I said about self imposed obligations, it can be exhausting to be in a relationship with someone who is that kind of person who has so many self imposed obligations that isn't willing to compromise or relax with their partner. But until all the obligations are done and all the boxes are checked and all, it can feel like if you are in a relationship with a person like that, if you are that person and your partner is the more relaxed one, it can feel like they don't really have a place in your life because you're so full of obligations. It can feel like, well, where do I fit in? You know, because if you're not willing to compromise or set down any of those obligations or Accept help, or, you know, maybe we could reassess some of them. It's like, well, where does the relationship fit into it? And I think you probably just feel like you're a very integral person who wants to get all of the stuff done and takes care of all of the stuff that needs to get done. But I would just invite you to look that. That actually can be a cause for space or separation as well, because you're so intense on your obligations that your partner feels like, okay, well, I don't really feel like I have a place here, and I think we don't often talk about that.

I agree. And we hear it a lot in our work. With regards to. I'm really low on the totem pole because all of these other obligations are usurping our relationship. And I come from a place of perceived belief and expectation that the relationship is at the top of the totem pole, not down here at the bottom. And that's usually an obligation problem where I can't let go of these obligations for fear of letting my kids down, my parents down, my religion down, myself down. I have to do all of these things before I can fit you or plug you in here. And it absolutely can feel like I'm not a priority. And it's really not that I don't love and care about you. It's just I don't know where to fit you in with all of these layered obligations that I have in my life. And I've got to say, you've come a long way in that regard. Thank you. I don't even question whether I'm at the top of the totem pole or not. And I love you for it. And hopefully, too, in my resistance and my reaction to help and support, not telling me what to do.

Right.

We'll. We'll continue to make some strides on that area.

I just think it's important for people who are very integral, people who love to stick to their obligations. I think they would not be able to admit that it is hurting their partner a lot of the time because they feel very proud of how they fulfill all of their obligations. And it's really part of their personality, and it's important to them, but they don't realize it's hurting their partner.

Well, it's a. It's a classic case, you know, I mean, just. We'll kind of have a hypothetical, you know? I mean, come on, Phyllis, you know. You know that I love you, you know? What do you mean? I've been providing for you for 37 years. But like, yeah, but where have you been? You know, I mean, so we, we can confuse. And I'm guilty as that. I have no question we can confuse meeting some of these obligations as a way to express our love. But you know, a common complaint we as a family here, when people start to come into our world is, yeah, I mean, I'm not getting any of my special someone. Even though there's acts of service on acts of fulfilling these obligations, I'm not getting you. Yeah, it's a tough one. It is a tough one. It is coming from a person that is like, if I tell you I won't be there. I won't be there unless I'm in a car accident or I've had a death in the family. I mean, literally, that's how I roll. That's how my whole family, I mean, Brooke and me, her uncles, I mean, we're like the pillar. You opened up the dictionary and you'll see all of us, there's four brothers, you'll see all of our pictures right there.

How? How? Well, because. Because we're stepping into now the key to, to reworking some of this resistance and reframing obligation into a conscious choice, essentially shifting our focus slash mindset from having to, to getting to do something. Because it's more of a life giving choice as opposed to this self imposed thing that I feel like I don't have any choice in. Do you, off the top of your head, have any suggestions for people who maybe do struggle or identify with, with, you know, having this construct of, you know, being so reliable, confident, count onable. I have so many self imposed obligations that, you know, it is hard to fit somebody into my life until I get to the bottom of my obligations.

That's a great question. I would say, you know, it's very, very important that your special someone, you know, has the ability, like Stacy does, to be able to approach. Now we're back to the basic behaviors and qualities that we say have to be there. The permission for each person to feel and do as they do, and then the emotional safety to share. So we have had a lot of years of exploration and conversations and experimentation and it is, it's been a slowly letting go for me and quite frankly, it's exhausted me anyway. I mean, I've got every body part on me replaced, so to speak. So I mean, you know, but if you have someone that's trying to punish the pain, punish this out of you. Rather than an exploration approach, an invitation approach, I would say, because you're very good at that is how it's allowed me to get better and better and release this and feel good about it.

I think it's a difficult one because for everyone, let's just use dad as the example for everyone that is benefiting from his self imposed obligations. They're telling him how great he is. So everyone outside of the relationship is like, oh my God, you're such an amazing man. You're doing all these things for the community and for your grandchildren and for your, your children. And then the wife, mom too, at home is like, well, but where. What am I getting? You know? So it's like, it's a very weird slash, not a normal relationship conversation because it's benefiting so many people, but it's really hurting the one that's supposed to be number one. And I feel like the partner can be like, well, I don't want to say anything because everyone is, he's helping so many people and he's so many people count on him. It's like a very interesting dynamic that I know takes place in a lot of households. And they probably, like a lot of the partners who feel neglected, probably feel guilty about bringing it up because their, their partner is seen in such a good light. They're on all the committees, they're, they're doing all the meetings. They're doing everything that an upstanding citizen should be doing, but it's not giving anything to the relationship.

Well, and, and you respect and admire that about the person. Yeah too. So it's not just others who are respecting and admiring about this, about the person. It's probably the reason why you fooled around and fell in love with them in the first place. And so then all of a sudden it starts to create a lot of conflict. So that is a big one. The breaking free of obligation cycles. Here are some great examples and some ideas to help you start working with this concept of obligation. Because it impacts every single one of us and it is a part of all our relationships, not just some. All of our relationships have to dance with the conversation of obligation. And so the simplest way to deal with obligation is to reframe the obligation as a choice. Because the problem with obligation, as we've maybe touched on, I don't know, a handful of times here, is that I feel forced that I don't have the, the ability to choose into or willingly do the thing that I feel like I need to do or want to do or desire to do. It's being imposed upon me. And I really want to highlight here, it doesn't matter how good or integrous or value driven or belief benevolent, etc. All the things you can start labeling on them. But if it feels like an obligation in any way, shape, or form, it's amazing. Based on the things that we've taught, touched on here, which is a good smattering of what really drives obligation as to why it is we resist it, right? If we, if we go back to the example of me, you know, you could be giving me the best advice ever. Like, it could be off the chart. But the minute it felt like I had to do it or I was forced to do it, or I was told to do it, I'm gonna rebel. I'm gonna just. What? No, no, no, no. Now you're done. I can't listen to you anymore. It's time for us to change the conversation. And often that's how obligation works. Works is the minute it steps into that foot of obligation is the minute that I feel like I don't have any choice and permission. And for lots of reasons that we've already touched on, I might start to panic or I might roll over because of the things that we've talked about. Just something to really think about there. Okay, so let's talk about some things that you can do. This reframe the obligation as a choice is really important. It's really saying, okay, instead of, I have to check in with my partner, I can shift that to, I get to connect with somebody I love and deepen our bond. I don't have to do it, but why would I want to choose to do it? And this works because seeing it as a privilege rather than a duty makes it feel lighter and more meaningful to me. I remind myself that it's taking me in the direction that I actually want to go. Another idea is we can connect it to a bigger purpose in our lives. For example, if you feel resistance toward attending your partner's family gatherings, you can remind yourself that supporting them in this place and space strengthens your relationship and helps us feel like more of a team. That makes me go, ah, I really want that. Okay, I can choose into that. I'm going. Instead of resisting it or shutting it down from the place of obligation. This works because aligning the obligation with something valuable makes it feel like for us as humans, that it's an investment rather than a burden. That's really important. You can also adjust the narrative around it. For example, if you feel like your partner expects you to help with something, you can shift your mindset from, I have to help Them again to I want to show up for them because I care about you and I want to contribute something to you. The project you're doing in our life that's going to benefit us all. Contribution is huge here. And sometimes I have to remember that I care because. Because we can forget that I care when the layers of obligation start layering on our lives. This works because resentment often comes from feeling forced. Changing the narrative can make the action feel more genuine. I'm choosing into this. You're going to start to see the common theme here. I'm just giving you ways really to genuinely choose into something as opposed to coming at it and experiencing it it as a form of obligation. And you can find a way to make it more enjoyable. Anything can be, if I'll look at both sides of what's possible, turned into something that's enjoyable. If your partner loves to deep conversations, for example, but you find them exhausting after a long day, I suggest having them during a relaxed walk or over a favorite meal. Something that you also enjoy doing too. It doesn't have to just be the deep conversation that you need to hunker down and white knuckle yourself through. You can set it up in a way that gives me something. It helps me relax, be present, enjoy the experience as well. That's why we call relationships co creation. Here I'm having a memory where I jokingly think about us trying to find a way for me to support you in your work. And remember we had the idea that we were going to go over to Napa and have a. You know, we were going to do it in this big food court, neither one of us knowing much. And we got some food and some wine and you're trying to lay out all your papers on your computer. We found out that that wasn't something that worked. But it's in the spirit of trying on some things so that we could find the things that actually work. That's the difference.

I want to say something about what you just said that could have if Dad, I know he can be kind of crabby sometimes. So if you would have taken his reaction like that, that about you trying to do that to heart, you could have never done that again. You know what I mean? I just want people to realize that. But if your partner tries something new and then you act like a curmudgeon and like it was the stupidest idea they ever had, do you think they're ever going to come to you again and want to have some play and novelty? No, they're just Going to feel humiliated. So I think it's important that when we're in a rut in our relationship and we're trying to make it better, we come into these things with a little light heartedness and laugh if it's messy or don't make your partner feel stupid because that's going to ruin the chances of them wanting to try it again.

Yeah, absolutely. And. And by the way, just so you know, we have found some ways to kind of do both. Yeah, absolutely. We. We found some really successful ways.

But to take an appraisal file over the wine country, it's going to take probably three times as long as it would if I was at home. Just leave it at home and go, go taste the wine and have fun without it.

It was a precious trial and error.

We live very close. You know, we're blessed to have a couple hours away from the beautiful Napa Valley area. So it's one of our favorite places to go, but not with an appraisal file with you.

And, and the point I think that Brooke is trying to make is that we can look back on that moment. We can both get.

I can take us right back. I remember we were in this. This place we'd never visited before. And I think, honey, we're like, where do I put, like all my papers and stuff like that?

We're moving tables and chairs.

I just think so many people are like, oh, I'm gonna try this new thing. And there's a lot of pressure on them because they're like, oh, my partner doesn't normally like stuff like this. And they're very busy and I'm gonna have to pull them out of their shell. And then it goes bad like that where dad's like, I don't have any place to put my files. What are we, what am I gonna do? And then it just ruins the moment. And then you never try again because you considered that a failure. Just be. Just be whimsical about it. Say, that's stuff. Let's try again.

You know, let's try something else. What did we learn from here? And where do we feel inspired to try something better that may suit us, knowing what we now know? Yeah, those are important moments. Yeah. The reason why this works is that pairing the obligation with something enjoyable, it makes it feel less draining for us. There's not the heaviness to it. So we can still get the task done, but we can still accomplish the obligation as well. That's really important. That is really, really important. When you know you have to do something. How can you make it more light hearted? And how can you turn it into something that's enjoyable and maybe not enjoyable, but at least bring a little levity to it. My growing up, there was always a favorite beverage involved. That that was and still is to this very day, something that is implored in our, our get togethers with my siblings. We make it a little less daunting by getting a favorite beverage and including that. And then somehow it just makes the work and what has to be done all that much easier. And then there's improve your ability to communicate about your boundaries and your wants. A boundary again is where I end and you begin. So if I have an understanding and an awareness about what I contribute and what I can't and what it is I want, we can navigate through obligations much easier. For example, if your partner wants to vent every night, but you need some downtime, it's important that you know how to say, I really want to support you, but can we talk about this after I decompress for 30 minutes? Because then I can truly be present and offer up what it is I think you or sense you really want out of our interaction. Most of us wouldn't say that. We would just continue in the obligation until we couldn't do it anymore. And then I would say something angry out of my frustration because I didn't advocate for myself. That would turn this whole thing into a fight. And this works because it prevents your own burnout. It allows you to show up with real presence rather than anger and resentment that will absolutely lead to a fight. And the last one that I'm going to mention here is sometimes we need to make our obligations smaller and more doable. Maybe the whole obligation is just too much for us to take on in the moment. So we need to make it or chunk it down into looking at I can't do this that you're asking of me, but what I can do is this right now. Is that something that would work for you? And that is a great demonstration of looking at our obligations of what needs to be done and being honest and truthful, shall we say vulnerable about what I can and can't do in this moment. Instead of thinking, I've just got to force myself, I've just got to make it happen. Or I, you know, I've got to be the rule keeper, I've got to whip my partner into submission. There's like lots of places that this could go. For example, if your partner asks for more affection, but you feel overwhelmed with that because you are exhausted from, I don't know, work, kids, paying the bills, you know, a lot of stress that you have going on internally, you're trying to work some stuff out. You can start small and say, hey, I can commit to fill in the blank. You know, sending you a wonderful text tomorrow or giving you a hug when you come home, or reminding you that I love you and that you are important to me, even though I don't have much more to give. And the reason why this works is instead of just talking about what you won't do, you are demonstrating that you're willing to explore what you can do. And this creates smaller steps that will absolutely help to lessen the emotional resistance and sense of obligation that you're just shutting me down, negating me, et cetera, invalidating me. Actually, I said that was the last one, but I really, actually want to mention one more more. The changer environment and or activity is really important because in obligation, we often don't think about. And this is kind of layering what I've already mentioned. Bring in some levity to it. If quality time starts to feel like a chore, and this could be date night, you know, the same thing we do. We got a movie and a show, or, you know, we sit on the couch and watch a show at home. If quality time starts to feel like a chore, then we know it's time to add in some variety by switching up the setting or going to someplace new. We can go to a new coffee shop, or we can take a sing in the drive, or we can. There's all kinds of things. I won't go into the, you know, the myriad of details that we could use to actually switch it up a little bit. But sometimes we need to. And that's your sign that if you're feeling daunted by, oh, here we go again. I know how this is going to go. Sex can turn into this, too. Okay, here we go. I know how this goes. You do this, I do this. Here. Let's get it over with. Takes all of, like, six minutes if you're lucky. It's time to switch it up. It's time to add something to the mix. And these are places where we need to learn how to talk about these things. And the reason why this works is variety absolutely will shift the mood and make connection feel exciting rather than obligatory. We're still dancing in this idea of obligation. So as you can see, it's really important for us, us to start looking at our obligations and identifying them and then getting creative in regards to how it is we can choose into them using several of the things that I've already mentioned here in our episode, it's important that we, we can identify when it's creeping in and that we can absolutely have the ability to shift it into I have to to some form of I choose to or I get to. Because then it doesn't feel like obligation anymore. And it's important that we learn how to communicate needs without forcing obligation. And this is usually where obligation starts to really choke the life out of us as we don't realize or didn't realize until now that this was something important that we needed to do and keep an eye on. It's important that we remember that we care because so quickly and so often we can think that we don't care. We forget about that altogether. In my need to try and avoid many of the things that we've talked about touched on in this episode. I'm overwhelmed. I can't do it. I feel like you're telling me what to do. I. I'm trying to be a good person and I have to meet all of these obligations before I can absolutely allow myself to do X, Y and Z. Like these are real things that are playing out in our lives every moment of every single day. And so if we can have conversations about them, it can help us transform these suffocating feelings of obligation into those of a more life giving form which is absolutely choice. And that all starts and begins by remembering relationships are get to and guess what, I can turn them into a choice. So as we wrap up the things that I hope that you'll take away from this episode is obligation is a slow poison in our relationship. It strips away joy and it strips away choice. Space and separation amplify our obligations based on the thinking and we make it even more of a problem in the this place and space like we rely on obligation to see us through. We're going to start pulling on these threads of obligation to keep the whole thing going without realizing it's the thing that breaks our relationships down. And the antidote for shifting toward genuine choice is permission and respect. So I need to take this obligation and I need to find a way to do that. Whether that's showcasing for you what I'm. I'm willing to do, I'm capable of doing and not just shutting it down or dismissing that it is an obligation. But here's what I have in the tank to actually talk about these obligations head on. Loving relationships are necessary for life and health and growth and are also among the most complicated skills of being a human. Before we can be successful at achieving healthy relationships, it's necessary that we broaden our understanding of how they actually really work and what they mean and how what we do and believe can enhance or destroy them them. It's up to us to give our relationships a chance. For there's nothing greater in life than loving another and being loved in return for loving is the ultimate human experience. But we actually have to be head on aware of what breaks them down and very often obligation is the root of those things. So here's the thing. If this episode has resonated with you and you're struggling to navigate create space and separation in this moment right now, I want to offer you our self guided 30 day roadmap because this can help you immensely with the things that we've talked about here today in this episode. This step by step program gives you the tools to shift from anxiety and obligation into that of permission, choice, clarity as you focus on yourself and understanding that in new and profound ways so that you truly can show up as the best version of yourself no matter what happens next. Next you can start today by visiting the link in our description our Follow the fun today is something that I want to continue the conversation of because this conversation of obligation is so important. What's one area in your relationship right now where obligation you now see is sneaking in or that it has had a huge role in your experience thus far? And and when you see it, don't blame yourself, don't beat yourself up. Because you know what? This has a role and an interplay in all relationships everywhere, regardless of where you come from. What's important is that we take a moment and that we can see it, that we can identify it, that we can acknowledge the fact that obligation absolutely plays a role in our lives. It's going to, that's normal. But how we handle it and dance with it, it is what's going to make all the difference in the world. So now that you've identified that one area in your relationship where obligation might be sneaking in, now take the next step. And what's one way you can shift it into that instead of force or obligation into a place of choice? Our song today is a song that takes us a little back. It is a song called if you don't know me by now by Harold Melvin and the blue Notes Notes because ah, this song, even though it's a classic, absolutely talks about how it is we we can love when one or both people don't put in the effort to understand and fight for their relationship as it becomes an experience of more and more obligation. Instead, in our efforts to try and cling to it. You can listen to this song along with our entire playlist for every episode we've ever done by searching up Love Shack Live playlist on on Spotify. And you can also access it by visiting our website@stacybartly.com and visiting our podcast page, which also contains all of the songs that are related to, I guess you call it a theme song, an anthem song, every episode we've ever done without further ado, thank you so much for being here to engage with us on this very important conversation of obligation. I hope that not only has it stirred up your awareness, but it also starts to point you in the direction of how it is you too can dance with the myriad of obligations that absolutely influences and layers on in our lives as human beings. It's normal, but how we dance with it is everything. So enjoy. Listen to this many times, which I suspect that you might, and thank you for spending some of your time with us here today. See you back here next week, ready to dive into even more strategies to support your life and your relationships today. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.