#216: The Valentine’s Day Survival Plan for Anyone in Relationship Limbo

Valentine's Day is here. But perhaps instead of feeling like that, you're looking forward to it being over. Maybe there's even a pit in the bottom of your stomach, because this year, everything is a bit different. Your partner has asked for space. Maybe they've pulled away emotionally. Maybe they're gone physically. And now a day that's supposed to celebrate love and relationship feels more like a cruel reminder of what you've lost or what you still might lose. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for people at a relationship crossroads where daily conflicts, emotional distance, and uncertainty don't mean the end of love, but a chance to rebuild in a way that actually works. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor who spent the last decade helping people navigate the hardest moments of their lives. I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke. Together as a team, we help you untangle the messiness of love and find your way forward. Here's what no one tells you. Valentine's Day isn't about what your partner does or doesn't do. It's about something so much bigger. So if you're dreading this holiday, worrying and wondering if your partner will reach out, or feeling like you really don't belong anywhere, right now, you're not alone, and we're here with you. Today, we're going to talk about why Valentine's Day feels so painful when your relationship is in limbo. We're going to tackle the biggest mistakes people make in this situation and how you can reclaim this day in a way that strengthens and empowers you instead of keeping you stuck. By the end of this episode, you'll have a game plan. Not just for getting through Valentine's Day, but for making it something that actually helps you begin to feel good again. So let's get started.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Let's begin with, why does it feel so painful? You know, we just talked about this in our Better Love Club Monday night class. It's a little thing that goes like this. Our human misery stems from a loss of perspective. Let's suppose for a moment to help you understand this concept that we begin our day and we're so aware we've done all the great things. We have that great morning routine, and we're so grateful to just be alive. Like, we have that sense that today is gonna be a really great day. The sun seems to shine in the sky a little brighter Even hear the bird sings. And then, oh, this is my favorite. When your favorite song Pops up on your playlist. You're like, oh, this is it. This is my moment. This is gonna be a great day. The miracle of life just seems to be happening for you. And then you stub your toe really hard. And in that moment of pain, your whole world is often reduced to your poor little toe. And for the next several moments that turns into the next several days, it's difficult to walk.

You're reminded every time you take a.

Step, every damn time you take a step. And with every step, all you can think about is your painful little toe. What then defines your day is the pain that you feel when walking on a bruised toe. And the miracle of your life has all but left you, Although it's still unfolding. It is this the narrowing of our perspective that opens up the doorway for us humans to misery? When we fixate or focus on the problem, the problem seems to be everything. In actuality, misery is a moment of suffering, allowed to become everything. So when we feel miserable, our challenge is we must look wider than what hurts and find the miracle of living once again. The sun was still beautiful, the birds were still singing, and my playlist still popped up. My favorite song as an example. And so it is with Valentine's Day. This day can be either the greatest thing in the whole wide world for us, or it can set into a place of misery, where from when the clock strikes midnight to the time it hits midnight on February 15, we can be in dread and misery. So what does a stubbed toe look like on Valentine's Day? Well, you narrow your focus, and all you think about is feeling lonely. You're comparing yourself to everyone else who maybe has a partner or is out celebrating that damn dinner and that damn gift and everybody's getting damn flowers except damn you. And in that focus, it's been narrowed. You're going to be miserable all damn day. You're also probably going to wonder if your partner is thinking about you or not. And do they remember all the incredible moments that you've shared and all the past romantic moments that you've had? Yes, including Valentine's Day, but maybe beyond. And then you're thinking about what happens next, which often leads to the biggest mistake we make when we're in space at this point in time, especially on Valentine's Day. Because as I narrow my focus and think about the pain of the day and what it is I don't have, I'm going to think about crafty and strategic ways to want to prove my love to the person that I love the most. The person that I hope is thinking about me on this day. And then I might, craftily, with trickery, start thinking about fishing for the interaction that I would just love to have so that I can remind them of all the incredible moments that we've had on these past days as well as in our life.

But isn't that what you're supposed to do when you are just dying for that validation and comfort and reassurance that everything is okay?

No, it's really not. It's gonna backfire. It really is. And you're over texting, sending gifts, making up excuses to stop by and just say hi. Let's face it, as human beings, we can get pretty darn crafty and creative here. Finding just the perfect excuse to make all of those things in set them in motion. But the reason why this backfires is, number one, it's going to make you feel worse. The fact that you have to go through all of this effort and like crazy, making within yourself to make a moment happen is going to rob you of that moment just happening. Because it's true, it's genuine, it's authentic. You're resorting to manipulations and trickery in order to make it happen. And whether we call it that or not, it feels like that when it's all said and done. And then you add on the second part, which is more than likely you're not going to get what you think you're going to get from doing it in the first place. So it's a double bam, bam.

What? I would say that whoever port you're showing up on is going to like. You're a little cray cray right now, right?

It makes me think a couple of times in our 11 limbo sessions and our roadmap, we've had similar questions be asked. Let's say I bought maybe tickets to my partner's favorite band and now we're separated and I really want to give them the tickets, but I don't know if I should. Or I bought them a present and I really want to give it to them, but I don't know if I should. And mom too. You always say, are you giving it to them because you really want them to have it, or are you giving it to them because you really want.

To talk to them?

And it always makes the biggest participant have kind of an aha moment that says, yeah, I want to do this because I have this bargaining chip that I know I'll get to speak to them. They probably do want to give it to them, but it's really because they know that it's a way to get in contact. And I think it's hard to understand why we say no until you phrase it like that.

It happens often, too, where they want to stop by and pick up some stuff or they want me to leave the stuff out. Well, should I make them get it from me? And we have to think about, what are you doing here really? In regards to the questions, just go.

Ahead and set the mail out on the porch and come got in at your leisure. No, no, I want them to knock on the door. So they open it and so they.

See me and they get to go.

Hey, we're all human, man. I mean, let's just be.

Yeah.

And to be clear, we're not saying that it's bad that you have that inclination, but you have to look a little deeper behind the behavior, behind the driver to know that your partner's gonna take it as manipulation, because that's really what it is. It doesn't mean that your intentions behind the manipulation are bad. You're coming from a sweetheart place, but it's invalidating their request, which is for space, even though it sucks for you.

And so hence the narrowing of our focus, which leads to more misery. Like, we get so narrowly focused on how it is I'm supposed to talk and engage and get what I think I need from my partner that now the broadening of my perspective of seeing the whole picture is all but gone. And the more I narrow it into, it has to go like this. How can I creatively, strategically, manipulatively, you know, filled with trickery of all kinds, get them to engage with me. That's narrowing your focus, which is going to backfire and lead to more misery in your experience. So when we broaden our perspective, we realize a couple of things. That Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about romance. It can be about loving relationships in all of its forms. Self, love, friendship, community. Because after all, it truly is the case scientifically. It's been proven that love is the most powerful form of creation. It is where creation comes from that is life giving, expansive, full of possibilities. And so if we don't remember that and back it up and remember that love comes in lots of different forms, not just from this one person. In this one scenario, if I can just get it by whatever means necessary, that's going to be the narrowing and the creation of misery of all types.

But I want to speak for the people who are like, that's. And they're like, I don't care because I just want this one person and I don't care that I have friends and family and you know, the community. Can you give me something better than that? Because that, to me that sounds like just drink a glass of water and have an Advil and you'll feel fine in the morning. I know what you're saying and I agree with you. But I think for the people who are feeling despair, it sounds like just love yourself more. That's what this sounds like.

This person wants the heart shaped box of candies.

Yeah.

And the little cupid cards.

Yeah. And. And they want to be able to say, look, I'm part of the people on Valentine's Day that are in love and celebrating.

Well, here's the paradox. The paradox that we are coming from and why it comes across like this is just think about the principles that govern our behavior and what it creates as a result. So quickly we forget about that and I'm going to break it down for you. So don't worry if what I just said kind of went whew. Okay, here's the thing. Whenever we as human beings come from a place of manipulation and trickery, we all know it. Whether we put it in that context or those words or not, we are all highly aware of when all of a sudden somebody has maneuvered, coerced, cornered, obligated, leveraged, etc. Regardless of the great story that we use to explain it away, we all know there's a sense, there's a feeling that we can all like put our finger up and test the weather in regards to what way the wind is blowing. It's not something that's said, it's something that is experienced. And the minute that that happens, chaos will prevail, like breakdown will happen. And if we don't pay attention to those nuances of the emotion of love, regardless of what the story is or the reason why we're doing what we're doing, the principle still applies. If I embark on things that are going to impact the emotional, let's be honest, it's a feeling, it's an invisible intangible and yet still has great impact on the experiences that we have and what it is we can create that we diminish and disregard and justify with a great story all the time, nonetheless, the impact remains. So if I embark on those things and I'm coming from a place of less than, and I use trickery in order to enroll somebody into engaging with me, we know it, I know it, you know it, but I'm telling you A really great story as to why I should have to do it. That's why it backfires.

So as much as we try to dress it up like what Brooke says, as much as we say like, no, no, Stacy, then Tom and Brooke. You don't freaking understand my specific sit. Again, we are not being insensitive, listener. Please understand. We're about the most sensitive people you'll find. All we do is cry every day, really.

I mean, but at least.

True.

I mean, but, but I mean, so I. Because sometimes people say, you guys don't get me. I mean, with great love and respect. Our whole life is family, so we get it. But we're also trying to impress upon you, in part, that nothing is above principle. And I think this is where we kind of. Kind of lose our shit, so to speak, you know, when it comes to relationships. So as much as we are yearning for this acknowledgment from this special someone that doesn't freaking want to see us, talk to us, have us show up on their porch, that's probably what we should honor, as hard as that is.

Yeah, and we say that also. A lot of things are the super bowl, but this day really is the goal of, like, you. You want it so bad. They want space. If you are begging for, like, Valentine's Day flowers or a gift, like, in a situation where it's tenuous and fragile and not on solid ground, it's gonna push him away even more than on a regular day. You don't wanna do that. Even though, like, you pulling back, like mom two has suggested, goes against everything in your heart because your natural inclination is to want to pull them closer or get closer. So it goes against what you naturally want to do. It really is the right thing.

And kind of funny that here in the US and thank you for all of our international listeners, but here in the US it pretty much always follows the weekend after the Super Bowl. So here we are. I mean, I didn't. I didn't. That's not me. That's just how it works. So, yes, it is the Super Bowl. There's so much BS that's piled onto this day, and if you have any worth, then your special someone is going to serenade you in fluent Italian with. With the heart shaped box and the bouquet of flowers.

Well, so in that misery, you know, remember what we're talking about here is my narrowed focus of perspective. And I don't want us to lose sight of that very important principle. The more I narrow how Valentine's Day is supposed to play. Out, the more disappointment is cued and the more narrowly focused I am about how I show up in the context of love and relationships, the more mise will be cued. When I say love is the most powerful form of creation, what I'm saying is love is the description and the label that we use to step into dreams, potential possibility, expansion, new things, new creation, transformation. Like it is the word that we use for all of those things that we say we want. And when I narrow my focus, I forget all about the potential of those things I just mentioned. And I'm hyper focused on, narrowly focused on what it is I don't have. The person, the serenade, the Italian, the song, the chocolates, the card, the I love you. Oh my God. And the more narrowly focused I get on how it's supposed to go, the more disappointment I have, the more I'm focused on my stubbed toe. And there's so many other things that are available, so many other potential possibilities. And one of the most difficult, difficult things that we have in the conversation of relationships is thinking about what it is I want independent of the person I'm with.

Say that again. That's really good. That's really.

I am. I am navigating my love and relationship potential and possibilities and focusing narrowly on a particular person that has to be done with. I lose the ability to focus on what it is I want to experience as a person, as a whole.

Every once in a while, Stacy throws these nuggets at even I have to digest a little bit deeper. That one was deep. I mean, we're not trying to be Pollyanna here. I mean, we're trying to have, in part, so you can have a day that doesn't just kick your ass.

So you can understand why you feel this way. The mechanism of why you feel so frustrated and hurt is because you have this narrow focus. So that's why I pushed back on what Momtu was saying, because I wanted you to really understand why widening your focus on everything else you have is going to make it so you don't feel so much pain, you know, and it's going to.

To require you to broaden your perspective for those of us that don't, and I haven't said this in a while, but if you followed us for a long time, but for those of us that don't drive in the snow, you're taught to go in the opposite direction of the way you're skidding. So this is what we're telling you, which is unbelievably hard because you Swear you have to turn in the direction that you're skidding. And if you do that, you'll end up like bricking in the middle of a field and calling her dad, crying because she's never driven in the snow before. But I'm hella little fun. But that's true. It's going to take every fiber to do everything that you think you should do and not do that.

Well, that, that is a really great analogy because here's the thing. We get so hyper focused on what it is we're missing out on, which is the narrow focus, right. Without realizing, I've got to broaden my perspective and I've got to expand what I'm thinking about beyond. It has to go like this and play like this and be this person. And that's really, really hard and challenging for us. So, oh my God, unless we do though, we are stuck in misery, we are really, really miserable. And, and there's not anything that we're going to come up with in this space that is not going to be of the nature of defensive, of personalization, of manipulation, cornering. All the things that we know creates exactly what it is we don't want. And so that's also for you to understand.

Hearing a person who maybe has been through space or something, or thinks they're a relationship expert and going down really hard on, you have to say this to them, to tell them that this isn't acceptable. You have to do this. And then you do the thing thinking like, I'm on solid ground because so and so told me to do it. And then it blows up in your face and makes it even worse. That happens all the time where you just think you're doing the right thing and it is a terrible idea. But you don't know.

You don't understand the principles that govern love and relationships. Yep. And they're very nuanced because let's be honest, although this is the most powerful force that we have to practice and play with as a human being on planet Earth, right. We don't talk about the principles that govern it very often. And so people can tell us some crazy, wild, outlandish things that in logic makes all the sense in the world. But if you don't understand the principles of the nuances of what it is you're doing, that's where the damn thing will backfire. So even though we can spin a great logic story about me reaching out and the story is supposed to cover up everything that's going on in the nuanced part, you're not going to get away with it. Nine times out of 10, it's just not gonna fly. And we know this intuitively. It's like, oh, my gosh. That's why we feel like we're walking on eggshells. I don't know what to do is because we understand that there are some nuanced parts and pieces and some principles here that I really don't understand. But if I can spin it like a great story, then it's gonna go fine, right? It's gonna work out just fine. Makes sense. That's a great reason. It's kind of like in productivity. Years ago, I remember hearing something that doing the thing at hand is not the same as a great story, although we hold it as though it is. Like if I don't do the thing that I committed to do and I have a great story to justify it, then same, same. It's kind of like the same principle. And I'm saying, no, no, not same, same. You did the thing or you didn't do the thing. It doesn't take away from the fact that it did or didn't happen, though.

It's the same as never ending research. You can feel like because you've researched your relationship issues and, and you've read a lot of great emotional tools or skills and you have them in your brain. You haven't actually done anything to fix your relationship. You've just acquired a lot of knowledge, but there's no follow through.

Correct. Correct.

Good analogy.

And changing your behavior is always going to require what different behavior.

And practice. Lots of practice.

Practice, practice, practice with different behaviors.

Yes.

Yes. Okay, so let's turn the corner now. I think you've got the point I'm.

Even worried about after that one. Hopefully we've lost all of our listeners. Come on back to us now. No, come. They're coming back. Guys. Don't worry. We've got something good. And we have an incredible song for you at the end, just so you know.

Oh, you're just cutting to the chase. Look at you.

We just needed to really explain why the narrow focus is so harmful. Because that really is the main point of this episode. Sharing why you are in this pain. We kind of have to drill down on it so much so that you can understand why it's the bad choice.

Maybe not the best choice. Yeah, yes.

Yeah, yeah.

If there's a fork in the road. Narrow focus, bad choice. Wider focus, Good choice. Good, good.

Yes, yes. Go to the right. Go to the right.

So how do we start broadening Our focus. Right. Create something wonderful. Instead of focusing on your partner's actions, how about you focus on you and what it is you want to feel on this day and then take action to create that experience for yourself. And don't worry.

Are you gonna give me some specifics here?

I sure am. I'm gonna give you five meaningful ideas.

Beautiful.

That will help you broaden your focus and take the narrow focus off of your partner and what you're hoping, praying, wishing, coercing, manipulating, creating, crafting to do to get them to engage with you on this day. And instead, you're going to choose yourself first and remember that you have the power to create. You're gonna broaden your perspective. Okay. Just like we teach in our Love and Limbo roadmap, the first step in healing is turning inward and asking, what do I want this day to mean to me? And here's some great suggestions of how you can not only answer that question, but take some action and start practicing a different behavior. Which is the whole point.

Absolutely.

You can create your own personalized Valentine ritual, I. E. Some ideas to accomplish that. Treat yourself to a self care day. Take a long bath. Read a new book or reread a good book, or do anything that nourishes your soul. Anything that makes you and reminds you that you are worthy of focus and attention. It's going to broaden your perspective off of all the little teeny tiny things you thought had to happen and help you broaden your perspective in regards to all the things you do have available that you could make happen. Another idea is create friendship and community like celebrate that. Host a Galentine or a palantine gathering with your friends. This is my favorite. Send heartfelt messages or small gifts to people you love and appreciate who have impacted your life. You're not expecting anything out of it. You are simply doing a broader, bigger perspective of the outpouring and remembering. There is a tremendous amount of wonderful people around you. How about organize a game night or a dinner with those that are closest to you? You know, whether it's 1 or 4 or 10 or 12, do something. It helps you celebrate the day in a way that it's meaningful for you. And then number three, how about you can give love? We have the capacity to contribute in many ways. We can volunteer at a shelter, a nursing home, a community center. Obviously, kindness is a beautiful way to share and extend love to others. Surprise someone with an anonymous act of kindness like paying for somebody's coffee that's in line behind you. Do something to pay it forward and you'll notice that in those moments we expand, our perspective is broadened in those moments. How about make a gratitude list of the people who have positively impacted your life. Even just the act of looking for those places and spaces, those people within your own life that have impacted you greatly. Broaden your perspective instead of this hyper narrowly focused thing and then one of my favorites. Indulge your passions. Geez, please sign me up. I would love to do that. Take a paint class, a writing class, a dance class, cook a new recipe. Anything that makes you feel like you're engaging with the passion that things you know, Tom and I several nights ago got into this conversation about playing our old favorite songs and it was kind of like we had this little night of like pulling up a music playlist of the past. Oh, and I love this one and I love this one, and I love this one. And it's coming up for me because music is such a passion for me and us going down that road just really supercharged me and helped me realize a lot of other things. Like I have a really wonderful life and even though there are still challenges and problems to solve, I love my life. It puts me back in connection with those passionate things about myself. And then take yourself out to your favorite cafe, museum or movie. Plan an adventure like a day trip or a hike to your favorite place or space. Or try a new one. You know, novelty is trying something new that you've never done before. But again, just expanding your possibilities here. Shift your focus to growth and gratitude instead of what it is you don't have. Reflect on the love that you have in your life from your family, your friends, your pets, and yourself. Use the day as a way to reset your intentions for how you want to show up in your relationships moving forward. Like what do you want it to look like? How do you want to show up? How do you want to be, and what is it you need to embark on in order to complete and embark on that journey instead of thinking about all the things that you don't have? I guess. Long story short, in the broadening of our perspective, remember, love isn't just about having a partner show up for you. It's more about how you show up for yourself and others. Love is a contributive force. Yes, we want to get some return on that, but so often we're so hyper focused on what somebody's going to do for me or is not doing for me, I forget about the door swinging both ways. It's more about how I show up for myself and what impedes me in showing up as my best self. Those are the conversations that we want to step into and start understanding better ways to have.

Well, and I also think that there's a big misconception, which you often talk about, mom too, is that when we get into a relationship where our only purpose is to make our partner happy, that's what we're supposed to do. But in that process, we lose ourselves. And so I would like to propose to everyone that you could use this Valentine's Day as a way to remember something about yourself that you've lost in the chaos of your relationship being in limbo. The point of relationships is for us to continue to learn and grow and learn new things about each other, yes, but about ourselves as well. When we become disconnected from ourselves, we don't do that anymore. We stop learning about ourselves. We stop discovering new things about ourselves. We become obsessed, especially when our relationship is limp and limbo, with trying to learn and discover new things about our partner. But our partner doesn't want us to only be dependent on them for our happiness. They want us to be a whole, functioning, beautiful, healthy, amazing person too, that knows what we want, knows who we are, knows what our favorite things are. How many moms, especially you, ask what their favorite is of something and they don't even know anymore because they've given all of that to their kids and their partner and making everything else work. So you can use this day of love to give a little of that love that you've given so freely to everyone else. Give it back to yourself. I know that's incredibly cheesy, but it always reminds me of the scene in Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts conforms to what her husband, which she's had a lot of them in the movie, conforms to their favorite kind of eggs. So there's a scene in the movie where she's trying every different kind of egg and she's like, no, I don't like that. You know, she's just like learning about herself. And she's a 30 year old woman, but she doesn't know what her favorite kind of eggs are. I think you could use this day as a way to really reconnect with something that used to feel special to you or used to make you laugh or cry or whatever. We, we don't do those things. As we grow up, we think of that stuff as only kid stuff. But it's so important to give that same thing to yourself too, and realize.

That how we handle this day, with all of its Goodness and challenges is how we might handle our life in a broader perspective. Like, this is an opportunity for you to build resiliency and clarity even though you may be going through a challenging time. If I take you back to the analogy that we started our podcast with. Right. Are we hyper focused on the stubbed toe? Not to minimize what we're going through, but are we losing sight day by day of the bigger potential and possibilities and perspective of what it is I really am, who I could show up as and where it is I really want to go because I've gotten so narrowly focused on it has to go this way.

Yeah.

When we do that, it creates misery for all of us. It's non discriminatory. Like it's how the principle works.

Well, it's equal opportunity. What just came to me, as I'm sure you ladies would confirm, but of all the people we've worked with that are going through this very difficult time from when they start and step in the start, they're so. And understandably so. I know Thomas, Hac and Brooke, you got. I mean, I just got to get Sally or Joe or for him back. And then when they get to the end of the. Especially those that have really rolled up their sleeves and stayed with us, I mean, they literally look different to us because their world has literally expanded like they could have never believed.

And how they show up in their world, completely different.

They are so blown away at. Oh my gosh. I had no idea that this was going to allow me to become a better version of myself, to truly explore what's possible and not feel like I'm just, you know, like a, like out in the ocean with no life preserver, where I have some rootedness within myself now and can truly step into this place of the unknown. And I know whatever happens, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be good. Not just okay. I'm going to be good.

I think there's just a little bit of misconception around our work and why we say turning the focus on yourself is so life changing. Because I think people think, well, I can't do that because my partner says all of these things are wrong. So I need to focus on them so I can understand what I need to do to change and make it better. What really focusing on yourself does is it allows you to change. The only thing you have control of, which is yourself and your behavior. So actually turning and focusing on yourself gives you all the answers that you have been wondering about, like what your triggers are, why you act this way when your partner shows up this way.

Why?

A certain thing that they say to you makes you go someplace in your mind that you never realized before. All of that inner work that we help you do in the roadmap is the number one. It's the only thing you can do in your relationship because you can't change their behavior. And you. You can't read their mind. Sure, you can ask them questions, but you only have the intel that you have access to. But so often we give all of our power to our partners because we think in order to fix this, we need to decode them. No, we need to decode ourselves. We've just never done it before.

Well, if I may stack on what Brookie said, you are the only person who has access to the intel of your own personal experiences. Moment by moment, day by day, your partner is giving you feedback about the experiences that they have, which has an interplay in regards to what's happening for them. And isn't it ironic that we try and get to the heart of how they see us from their perspective, which is valuable. But not until I understand my own perspective from my own intel. Day by day, moment by moment. Because here's the thing. Nobody should know you better than you know yourself. They don't even have access to the intel to know you better than you know yourself. And if you feel like you don't know yourself, well, then that's work that only you can do. And we need to kind of suspend the opinions and points of views of others until I figure out what that is for myself. Because as much as they think they know us, they're only getting a small part and piece of what's actually going on day in, day out, day in, day out. There's nobody hanging around with you more than you. So you've got to be the person to actually make the call on that. And again, I'm going to submit to you that the more narrowly focused you get on how it's supposed to go, the more painful it's going to become for you.

Guaranteed.

Guaranteed. Guaranteed. And again, not discriminatory at all. Yeah. It's the truth for all of us. So I'm encouraging you, I hope, in this episode, to back it up and broaden your perspective and to think about things in a broader perspective. It's like being seasick, you know, if you're down and can't see the horizon and you're down in a little huddled hut or in the backseat of a car where you can't see the greater Scheme and the greater picture of what's going on, you're going to throw up. Okay, you got to get into the front seat of the car where you can have a bigger vantage point or you got to get to the bow of the boat where you could look out and see a greater expanse of what's going on and then you're going to to feel a little bit better. And that's what we're encouraging you to do here today.

I also think that when you're in a relationship where you rely heavily on your partner's input or validation to know how you should feel, like you look to them to say how they feel and then that's how you base what you feel on that. When that is taken away, it literally feels like, what in the hell? How do I know how to feel if I'm not constantly having that feedback? But really it's a gift because now you get to really know how you feel. You have to discover it. You have to go inside of yourself and know what your emotions are at all before you can get to that point. But I just want you to hear us say that, that it really is a gift. Because now once you develop that place inside of you where you know the answers, you don't rely on anybody else for the answers. So your partner could say, hey, I feel this way, but it won't sway you because we're easily swayed when we don't have that foundation. And it can feel very wishy washy.

Absolutely.

Well, it's what I often say in my clarity calls. I mean, let's just be honest. As much as I have enjoyed speaking with you and such and hopefully reciprocated, we wouldn't be having this conversation if you weren't in this very challenging time. And without fail, every single person says, you know what? What Tom, you're right. I said so. I'm not dismissing what you're going through, but let's use it as an opportunity now because our awareness is high. Your incentive to get better and to try to move through this is as probably otherwise. It's just how it works. So we can use this time, as difficult as it is, to really explore and discover things about us that we otherwise probably would never partake in. That's just how it works. Yeah, it really is.

And here's the thing. If today's episode has resonated with you, this is exactly what we help you navigate inside the Love and Limbo 30 day roadmap. You can do this as a self pace. Like nobody has to be there. You don't have to confess anything to anyone but you. It's really a deep dive that you can take on personally in the comfort of your own home. But it's not just about getting through Valentine's Day. It's about learning how to handle this space in a way that makes you stronger, more resilient, and no longer stuck in misery. Inside. You'll get daily practices guided meditations on a step by step process to help you find clarity, peace and self confidence once again without waiting on your partner to decide what it is they're going to do and not do on Valentine's Day or any other day of the year. So take the next step today and join us by using the link in the show notes and as a special thank you for being a podcast listener, use the code Love Shack15 at checkout for a 15% off discount.

There's your Valentine's Day gift right there.

Now, Valentine's Day There could be nothing more appropriate for Follow the fun moment to broaden our perspective and take us out of this day of misery often than to write yourself a vision letter. This is a time to remind yourself of what it is you want to experience in your relationship as you think about where you might be six months to a year from now. And I've come up with and experienced this myself just today as a matter of fact. Here's an easy way for you to go about it because I don't know about you, but sometimes when I look at a blank page I just feel overwhelmed. It's like, whoa, I don't know. There's so much there.

That's why they say the blank page syndrome.

Correct. So if you'll go to ChatGPT and use just the free version and ask it to write you a vision letter that includes the following and then you just simply put in the list of all the things that you want your vision to look like. Then hit the send button in about, I don't know, less than 10 seconds, 20 seconds. I don't know, it's pretty fast. It immediately starts writing it will spit you out an incredible vision letter. For you be able to. For you to be able to see yourself in the form with which you've just described.

Yeah. Then take a read of it and you can change it and put things in that don't make sense and add things.

But yeah, and then here's the best part. There's a little place where you can click a button and it will actually send it to you so you can print it. You can plaster it all over, you can add it to your journal, you can read it every day. Because look, when we're stuck and hyper focused in regards to the way things have to go, we're missing the bigger opportunity about the potential and possibility of how they can go. So write yourself that vision letter today. I promise you it is going to give you a huge like big pop.

In the emotional gas tank.

That feels so good. Our song for this week. Wow. It's a song that you can play while you're crafting your vision letter to yourself.

I believe someone sent it to you literally before we we started recording this podcast. As I was driving the car, I said, honey, this song takes you places.

It's an instrumental by Blinken Jones called Wine Light and it is a fantastic song, one that you can reach for anytime that you're getting too narrowly focused and finding yourself heading towards misery. It'll help you take a big breath and maybe broaden your possibilities.

The video is awesome too.

It really is. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website podcast page or search us up on Spotify Love Shack Live Playlist thank you for spending your time with us today this Valentine's Day. No matter where your relationship stands or however you choose to celebrate it, may it be filled with warmth, joy and appreciation for the love that already surrounds you. Remember that we look forward to seeing you back here next week, ready to dive into even more strategies to support you in your relationship. And until then, enjoy your day, enjoy your life, and enjoy the moments that create you. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Ra.