#222: The Real Reason You Can’t Change Your Relationship Patterns (And How to Fix It)

Do you ever catch yourself thinking, I know better than this, so why do I keep doing it? You've read the books, listened to the podcasts, followed the experts, saved the quotes, you know what should help, and still you shut down or explode or stay silent, afraid that anything you say will just make things worse. I want you to know you're not broken. This isn't a knowledge problem, it's a practice problem. And it's also a nervous system problem, a support system problem. We've never been shown how to do this problem. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone standing at a relationship crossroads. If your days are filled with second guessing, growing distance, or the quiet ache of what happened to us, you're in the right place. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor and guide for people who are tired of guessing and ready to understand what's really going on beneath the surface. And I'm joined by my co host and lover Tom, and our daughter Brooke. In today's episode, we're talking about why knowing what to do isn't the same as being able to actually do it. And why real change comes from both learning new things and remembering what love has always been here to teach us. Let's talk about what that really looks like.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

As we dive into our conversation today, I want you to realize that we need to be reminded far more than we need to learn. I mean, come on, let's be honest now we have chat GPT, right? The best friend ever that has emerged on the scene. It will talk to me sweetly, kindly, patiently every single time I go there. It'll give me incredible news, information, data, social stats, quotes. I mean like whatever I can drum up. But you know what? It's easy to also forget that it is just a tool. It's not a human being I'm having a conversation with in real time. And so although it can give me comfort right now and help me understand a whole host of things, what I'm missing is that in real time, practice engaging with another human being that I want that then hold me, touch me, reassure me, calm me, co create with, create experiences with. And so often in this conversation, it is the thing that we get stumbling on. If I can get it from here, why can't I get it from you? So we are not lacking knowledge so much as we're lacking the integration of how to put these things into our lives. That real time engagement, conversation experience with another human, person to person, face to face. That is the piece that is challenging us more than anything. You don't get better at love from a lesson. You get better at love by doing the repetitions, the practice, the engagement, the conversations. And yes, sometimes it gets a little messy. And it's the messy part that I think we don't think should be a part of relationships, which is absolutely a part of relationships. So, team, right? When was the last time that you were a hot mess? Just so that we can talk about this?

Right before we hit record, probably.

Like, when I woke up this morning.

Right, I came onto this podcast telling my team, guys, I'm kind of coming in hot today. I don't know why, but I'm feeling a little spun up, right? I'm feeling a little. And everybody's going, why, why, why? And I'm going, I don't really know. But I just need you to know that's where I'm. My meter is telling me I am. And so as you're listening to this fellow human, like, where are you at? Are you hot mess? Are you having a hot mess moment? And if so, I want you to know, well, welcome to being a human being. We're mess makers. We can have a hot mess moment in three seconds, two seconds, half a second.

No one, including us big time, gets the hall pass. And that's okay. You're never going to escape the potential and the absolute manifestation of hot messes. It's not like this is never going to happen again. That is a setup for failure. Absolutely.

I just wanted to say one thing, mom, too. When you were talking about ChatGPT, it reminded me of. It's kind of like just a continuation of our search for more information. You know what I mean? We talk to it, we ask it questions, we say, am I doing it right? Maybe if you're using it for relationship tips, which some people do, they say, I did this, My partner did this. You know who's right. And you get. You just try to do all that stuff. You just ask it questions and then you get answers. You're just getting information, but you're not doing anything. I think we forget that, that we're googling, we're searching up more articles, we're reading more books, we're listening to podcasts like the one we're doing right now. But after you're done gathering that information, are you doing anything? You know, it gives us this false sense that we've made so much progress, and then we go back into our lives not having implemented any of the things we just learned. There's a stopgap there. And I don't think we acknowledge it very often that we're gathering all this information, but then it's just sitting up there in our brains and we're not actually doing anything with it.

Well, and isn't it wonderful that then we all get together and we can really talk a good game? We have welts of information about what our friends should do, our family members should do, our community should do, and yet we don't pause very often to go, am I doing the advice that I'm giving?

Well, And I think in the relationship space, and I talk about this often with people that I talk with on clarity calls and people that are working with Stacy's privately. My point here is, especially in the relational areas of our life, if we're not using this information that is everywhere.

It's ubiquitous, ubiquitous, ubiquitous.

Hello.

What is that over there?

But anyway, if we're not using that to help us change our behavior, well, then what's the point?

I would say that the. If we looked at a pie, I would say probably like 90% of people were just holding the information. 10% are using it to change.

I think that's generous. I would bet it's like 95, 97, 3.

I bet none of the people who are in the 97 cent realize what we're saying right now.

Look, the gold standard, at least we hold. If we're not helping you change your behavior, then we're not doing our job. Because if you're not changing your behavior in your relationship, there will be no changes. Don't mean to be mean or crass.

Yeah, you're going to see no results. So it's kind of like people who go to counseling over and over again. They're like, oh, I've gone to counseling, but I'm not seeing any changes in my relationships from it. It's because they're not doing the next part. They have all the head knowledge, but they haven't implemented anything.

The homework, the bloody homework kind of turns into the budget. You're not doing the budget if you don't have money at the end of your spending habits.

But this is.

It's the homework.

At least for us. Doing this, like 12 years now. @ the end of the day, the measurement is behavior change. And let's be honest, behavior change, me included, is really hard.

Well, and it's doable. Let's talk about an incredible client whose name will remain nameless inside of our Better Love Club. And through practice and reps and support and people cheerleading him, he finally got To a place where he could actually do the thing that he's been wanting to do for a really long time.

Yes.

And the community celebrated him and cheered him on and he had a place to come and celebrate back and to get the support and the encouragement. Because sometimes when we've got to leap.

Off of a. Oh, my God, an.

Edge, that is the most courageous thing we will ever do in our life.

Their armpit sweating unbelievably.

And it is the most transformational question healing moment of all time as well. Right. The risk and the reward are commensurate. So it's this place where we might go. I already know that, but I can't seem to do it, take that leap. Well, then we need more reps. If that's the case, you find yourself.

Probably some support and community and accountability.

We need a community. I need to be able to practice in safer, smaller ways until I can actually make the leap to do the thing I know I need.

And the ability to ask questions when you have them.

Yeah, exactly. This nameless person was able to do reps and share how they were going to present this particular situation and ask and step into this dialogue. And then he was able to gather support. And here's how I might suggest you maybe take a little bit of a tweak here and a tweak here. I mean, so it's much easier to try these conversations on that usually scare the bejesus out of us with someone besides our most significant person before we step. That's like going to the super bowl without any, you know, playoff games beforehand if you're.

No practice.

Yeah. I mean, come on. That's not realistic. That's too big of a jump. We're not going to make it.

But I can practice, I can get feedback, I can tweak, and then I can step into doing those things when I feel like I've gotten that place of foundation and clarity and surety that I need in order to change and transform those behaviors with inside of myself. I do want to normalize, though, how hard it is to apply what it is we're learning. When the emotions start to run like, I want you to know you're not alone there. And that's why so few of us do it. That's why that pie that Brookie mentioned, the pie is so divided because it takes courage to implement what it is you're learning. And then it's going to get messy for a minute. Just like anything we learn to do that's outside of what I already know to Do I need to be able to mess it up first so that I can understand the nuances of what it is I'm learning? Well, that's why we have a community, because it's better to practice with somebody who has no bearing on the next step in your life. You can tweak it and learn it and understand the nuances of it so that then when it really does count, you feel like you're on solid ground and you have the cheering and support of your community members.

Not to dismiss it, what we have, you know, in our communities, people, they care for each other, but it's not this most significant person in your life. So you cannot discount. If I could try this on with someone that I know is not gonna respond or react, maybe in a way that's not how I suspect or want it to go, that's a much easier risk than the Super Bowl. I mean, let's just be honest, or whatever you would use as that, like the highest place where you'd have to try this on. And I've never done this before.

And I would also say that just being able to get the words out at another human face would be the difference maker. Like, oh, okay, I'm still here, I'm still alive. I still have all my teeth, my fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Woo.

Okay. I can blow the emotion and the energy out so that I can be in a more grounded, clear place to actually step into that conversation instead of taking all of that on in the heat of a moment when it absolutely counts. It's kind of like we set ourselves up for things to get a little more messy because we don't understand the skills, we haven't practiced the skills. We don't understand the nuances of them. And I've never even had those words come out of my mouth that I'm dying to say before it really counts.

Yeah, I was gonna say everyone who comes to us wants us to give them our communication tips the second they begin working with us. But we never teach those first. And I wanted Mom 2 to share.

Why?

Because it goes perfectly with what you're.

Talking about right now.

And we just had a member last night in one of communities. I shared with him. I want to take what you just shared and I'm going to put that all over the Internet because he just expressed basically that a couple years ago, me and my wife could have never had this conversation because of what you just said, bro. So, yeah, babe, why everyone comes to us, but why don't you start there?

Well, because we need to be able to emotionally regulate ourselves and understand what it is that we need to do in order to truly listen to another human being. And so if I'm plugged in, triggered reacting in my old coping ways, you're not going to get three words into a conversation before you can't keep it together, whether that's shutting down or ripping somebody's face off. And so we've got to work on that piece first, that you can actually stay present in the conversation before then I start giving you some very sexy, very effective communication frameworks because you won't use them, you'll get emotionally fired off. And then you're going to do that thing that you've always done. And those sexy communication frameworks that I have and that I teach are going to go right in the garbage can.

Well, this member said, look in the my old self, I would just say no just to piss my wife off. He was just flat out honest. Even if it didn't mean no, I would just do it just to piss her off.

Yeah, just because they didn't give me what I want.

Exactly. I mean, he was very honest and open.

And so until we can learn how to understand our own emotional selves, we're going to have a heck of a time listening to somebody who has a very different perspective and opinion and point of view on matters. We won't make it. You're not going to get deep enough into the conversation to have anything productive come out of it. But we can't just step in and do that. Just because you've heard these words that I've said today doesn't automatically. You have the vision, you have the idea, you have the knowledge that, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Okay, now go do it. Well, now, that's a whole other landscape. Like, where do you go to practice, you know, essentially being able to stay in a conversation and know how to manage with some skills that conversation so that you do those old coping patterns that, you know, come on, let's be honest, you know, you have them. It's not like we're unaware. I just don't know what to do differently. And that's the point. Most of us are very aware of the things that we do or our partners do that sends the conversation sideways. The part and piece that's consistently missing is I don't know what to do instead. And as a human being, guess what? I will continue to do what it is I know to do until I have that missing piece, which is the skill piece.

And more importantly, able to be Implement that instead of what we've always done before.

Yes. Well, knowing what to do is knowledge, and wisdom is from actually being able to execute on it. That's good. Like, there's a huge difference there between those two parts and pieces, and we need to acknowledge that difference.

Knowledge is knowing what to do, wisdom is doing it. That's really good.

That's the difference maker.

Well, and think about how many times you've heard something that was like, oh, God, that makes so much sense. I'm going to do that. And then you don't do it, or you try it and it doesn't work. Automatically. You think you're a failure, but the truth is that you just haven't done it enough times. You haven't put in the practice, you haven't put in the reps, you haven't learned this like in our work. Emotional regulation is really the foundation of what you need to master before you can move on to all these skills that we're talking about, because they don't work unless you can regulate yourself emotionally and not scream and yell or defend yourself. The second your partner says something you don't agree with, that immediately puts up a roadblock to the next step of the conversation. But no one's talking about that. They're just saying, like, you need to get better at communication. You need to build your trust. You need to. But what do those things mean?

Cut them off, kick them to the curb, get them the hell out of there.

You have to get a divorce.

When are you going to wake up?

Let's even say, okay, emotional regulation. Tom Stacy Brooks. Okay, well, how do I do that? How do I do that? But more importantly, you're not going to be able to implement that and really do it when you've had your perfect button pushed by your partner that knows how to do that better than anyone else on the universe. It's going to take repetition to do that.

Sometimes it won't matter as much unless me off.

Really.

Me and mom, too, were having a talk the other day, and she said, maybe we should just sell the plan for the roadmap. People just want to know the plan of how to get back together. And I had to be the one to stop her and say, no, that wouldn't work, because that would just be like giving people the communication frameworks without doing all the work beforehand for the communication frameworks to actually be effective. Same thing would happen if you try to create a plan with your partner who you're separated from. And all the things that we have our roadmappers do before they get to that point. If you didn't do any of them, the plan would not work because you would go back to doing all the things you did to get to the place where you needed separation. So I know it's frustrating probably because you're like, oh, just give us the answers. But, like, we've shared. The answers aren't what you need. You need to learn how to implement the answers into your relationship.

Yeah, well, and let's be honest, I mean, somebody else's answers in that place of knowledge may not be your answers, including ourselves. Like, it's so important for us as human beings, especially where we are swimming in a sea of knowledge that works for the people sharing it, but it may not work for you. And so it's important that each and every one of us find the answers that are appropriate for us based on the lives we've lived, the experiences we come from, the histories that we have, and the patterns that you carry. Like, my answers may not be your answers, and that's true for every person you're looking at. So a lot of the skills is understanding how to arrive at those answers that are personally, uniquely, divinely for you. And if you don't do that, effort and work. Sure, I could give you a whole checklist in regards to what should happen here, but then you're going to emotionally react because it's your own intelligence telling you this does not work for you. This is not where I'm at. This is not how this should go. And yet isn't it amazing how we will take that information and that biofeedback that happens every single moment of every single day, and we will attempt to override it, to check the boxes that somebody else told me I should be doing, somebody else told me I should be feeling. And this is the thing that you need to understand we've got to get better at because you have your answers. We have some really great skills to teach you that will help you find your answers and more importantly, implement them into your life. And here's the kicker, the real kicker in the crescendo, in the whole conversation is love will teach us better than anything I know on the planet. Love and relationships is the heartbeat of what makes us human. And if we're not paying attention to what love is teaching us right then it's going to be a struggle. But if we're willing to listen, it has incredible things to reveal to us about me, about others, about life, about all that's possible going forward.

I think some People, when you say this may be like, oh, that sounds like a beautiful poetic thing, that love is our best teacher. And I know what you mean, but can you give some, like, real concrete examples of what you mean by that? Like, what exactly is it teaching us?

Yeah, well, I tell it teaches us every single day. I'm just going to ask our listeners, like, just go back and really think beyond what it is you're currently struggling with. Is a relationship with some person. Not at the heart of that. Whether it's just myself I'm wrestling with myself today, or I'm wrestling from where I come from, or I'm wrestling with my partner, or I'm wrestling with my co worker or my boss, I'm wrestling with. There's a person, there's a relationship that's involved in all of the struggle and all of the strife and all of the grief, but there's also a person involved in all the joyful, incredible, erotic, breathtaking moments as well. Like, and then you start to kind of go, oh, relationships really are the heartbeat. For every mental health challenge, for every social challenge, for every communal challenge, for every personal challenge, there is a relationship at the heart of it. And that's why I say it's the heartbeat of life, because it really is. And so if I want to get better at life and living and being a human being on planet Earth, then it would behoove me to also become better at relationships because they are the crux of everything that gives me joy and peace and happiness, as well as is responsible for all the struggles and trauma I have. I also have a lot of patterns that I can learn from within my own relationship with myself. And in that, if I look at those patterns, it has something to teach me. And I want you to understand that knowing what doesn't work, the struggle, is just as important as understanding what does work. In fact, if I were to follow that path, what doesn't work helps me understand what the opposite of that would be, which helps me understand what I might entertain or do differently.

Well, it's why we start, because most people, when we work with them, we ask them what is it that they want? And they look us like with deer in the headlights. Because most of us have never spent a lot of time about what we want to create and manifest in a relationship, but they're very clear on what they don't want. So we say, no problem, let's start there.

I would just gonna say there's a parallel here. Most people stop at acquiring the knowledge. They don't implement It. And I would say most people stop at what doesn't work and they never get to what they want.

Instead, 100% agree. And so we don't see love or relationships as the greatest teacher we've ever been given. We see relationships as something we're either good at or we're not. And I'm either a failure at it or not, or I'm either a monster at it or not. And unfortunately, that perspective teaches us to be either a pleaser, a fixer, an overextender. I over give. I have to make sure everybody's happy and everybody's taken care of and everybody's doing really well, or I am not going to take that shit anymore and I'm going to do it my own way. You know, screw all you people.

I'm going to kick ass and take some names.

And either one of those are the extremes of what's actually possible. That, that we need to learn how to ride both of those places.

Well, there's a lot more in between those. The extremes are really not where it's at. Most of us think that that is it. And most of the people, those are the only tools we say people have, their emotional toolboxes, control or collapse. But there are so many more that you can add that will expand and enrich your life beyond imagination.

Well, and what this is why when we courageously look at our patterns, not from a place of judgment or shame or guilt, but courageously look at what the truth of my experience has been, it will reveal the path forward. And unless I get courageous enough to look at those things, the path forward will continue to be an illusion. That I don't understand. It's not that you need to beat yourself up and judge yourself and others harshly. It's that we need to understand what it is I'm doing here that doesn't work so that I can actually do something with it that will take me forward. That is the opportunity. And that is why we say love is consistently something we can learn from. It is constantly teaching us about where we can get better, the skills that we lack, the things that we need to understand, and also the things that I don't yet know. That is a beautiful thing. But boy, oh boy, do we resist that truth and that principle. So therefore then the path forward will consistently, you know, be thwarted. It will consistently not be something that I understand and that I rage and get frustrated about because I'm not willing to take the first step of looking at, okay, what are they? What is that thing I do that doesn't necessarily serve me. How is it and where is it I consistently show up in collapsing or controlling, ripping somebody's faces off or getting the hell out of dodge. Right? That. That is what I do. Okay, what can I learn from it? Where can I go from here?

If you're not willing do what Momtu just said, then every plan forward that you try to use to fix your relationship issues will not work. It will be the wrong single thing you try will be the wrong fit because you haven't done the work at the beginning to figure out what you're actually trying to fix. You know, so it's like you're trying to get to the end before you even done any of the research. And the research that you have to do can't be done with chat GPT. It has to be done by looking inside of you.

You.

Yes, that's scary, but it's essential. And you're not going to experience any of the good things that we're telling you. You can have the new experiences or implementing new things and have it stick unless you do that.

Well, let's just get real here, shall we, on this podcast, and let me help you explain in very simplistic terms how healing happens in the first place, or transformation or change, because that's what we're about here. It happens when I feel the uncomfortable feelings that usually come from a memory of the past. And what we commonly do is panic and go, oh, my gosh, here we are again. Are you kidding me? Instead of doing that that I always do, I do something different because I know what that is, and then I have a different experience, and then I understand things from a different vantage point and a different perspective. Not just me, but you and us. And that's where healing happens, right? There it is me feeling those uncomfortable feelings and then willingly choose something different out of the understanding that I have acquired from understanding my past, what it's teaching me, what's possible, where it is I need to go.

When you choose something different at that very, very important inflection point, this is huge. Really. Now you'll behave in a different way.

Why? Because I've had a different experience that helps me understand things from a different perspective.

And then you have experienced this moment of an initial transformation, but unless you do that, and most people don't, then nothing will ever change.

Change.

Well, you also have to be willing to admit that in the past, you did the other thing.

Yeah, the default. My God, you've done it maybe your whole life. And that's okay.

You have to then see why you did that. And, oh, that makes so much sense why I was doing that. And yeah, I can admit. And your partner can say, gosh, that really frustrated me when you used to do that all the time. Instead of saying, no, I never did that, you can say, I know. I can really see, you know, I did do that so many times and this is why I did it. And this is how I'm gonna do it differently going forward. All that dialogue between the two of you would never be possible unless you were willing to look in.

Wow, I love what you said. It's not about a defensive posture of, yeah, that's what I do. Get over it. That's me saying, I'm not willing to look at that right now and understand that. So just get over it and drop it already, would you? That's very different than what Brooke is saying. It allows us to step into it and explore it and look at it and understand it so that we can decide what it is I'm going to do differently. And that's why taking responsibility for the behaviors that I have is so empowering. Overall. It really is the key that unlocks us from our own emotional prisons. Because I can then look at it, observe it, and understand it. And when I can step into that space that's non judgmental, I don't feel really all that great about it. But I also don't carry a lot of shame and guilt and self beat up about it too. It reveals to me what it is I need to do next.

So why do you. I mean, what you just said is to me that that is the mother load. So why is it that it's so hard for us, all of us, to do what you just said and realize.

Like, God, I could have done, Because I'm gonna take. I'm gonna step in just for a second and then give it to mom too. But it's because. No, it's just like Topaz talks about how you have to set the scene for that. You have to have a very specific emotional environment between you and your partner where you say, okay, it's time. Where we're both gonna set our behaviors on the table and we're not gonna judge each other for them and we're not gonna talk about all the you've done to me in a way where it's like we' about each other, where you're giving yourself permission to lay it on the table and you're not going to beat each other up about it. But that has to be intentional.

Otherwise You? Yeah, their recipe has to. Like, if you haven't listened to Topaz, he was on our podcast just a few episodes ago. Two time wonderful man.

Yeah.

I mean, there is a lot of intentionality that has to be in place for this to happen. Would you say that's correct, babe?

And I would take it a level deeper. I would say that same emotional environment needs to be something that I create within myself. And when I have that, when I go, wow, Stace, you're kind of a hot mess today. What's going on? Let's. Let's explore that. I don't beat myself up for feeling like a hot mess or making a mistake or doing it wrong. Sure, I still have days like that, but my relationship with myself, that environment that you spoke of, is a place where I can give myself some grace and go, girl, what's going on? Sit down. Let's get clear here. Kind of acting out a little bit. What do you need? What's going on? It's the self talk piece. It's the conversations that I have really in that environment intentionally with myself. So when I really start acting out, I know I need to go spend some time with myself and have a conversation of like, girl, what do you need here? What's going on? Let's do some exploration here. Where do we need to go from here? What's not working and what it is you need to do instead? And I think that's usually the piece that's missing. And until I can do that first, I really can engage with you. I'm going to either act it out on you, which means control you, or rip your face off, or I'm still not going to know what my next piece is. For me, you might give me some really great advice that I might try, but it may not work for me. We as human beings are losing the ability to even have the idea that I need to sit down and figure out what's going on with me and have that conversation with me so that I can create the environment then with you, because I understand me enough that we can have that exchange that Brookie and Topaz talk so elegantly about. If I don't know what I need or what's not working or where does I want to go from there, we can't really go far. You might throw out some really great ideas, but I still might be a hot mess because they're not ideas or information that has come from the understanding of myself. And this is where I say that quote, I say thousands and thousands of times, it's probably my favorite quote from Leo Pascaglia ever, of all times, because it's so true and becoming more and more true as the decades tick off. Most of us are strangers to ourselves, asking others who are strangers to themselves to love us. And then we wonder why it's such a clusterfuck. It's a clusterfuck because nobody knows what they're doing. They don't understand why it is they're behaving the way that they do. And I certainly have no clue whatsoever in regards to what to do differently that are going to take us both, me and you collectively, in a new direction. And so we say spiral there for not just days, weeks and months, but decades of our lives. And so this is why practice is so important and understanding what to do is so important. You know what's not working? I guarantee you, you already know and have sized that up. But what do I need to do instead is the part and piece that's commonly missing. And then, even though I know what to do, are you doing it? Will you do it? Will you step in and practice it to a point where you go, all right, I got this, I got this. I'm ready. I can totally do this. I get it. I understand it.

Well, it's not practice with ourself.

It's not practice with ourselves. We need other people to practice with. And this is why in our day and age, couples counseling and therapy is not doing so well. I do private one on ones, but I also encourage group community sharing. It does a lot of things for us. It gives us a place to practice. We've talked about that. But it also gives me that moment of healing because maybe for the first time in my life, I felt those emotions. And I've been able to say what it is I want to say to another human face. Crazy as it might sound, it doesn't need to be the person you need to have the conversation with, especially out of the gate. It just needs to be another human that I've mustered up the brave courage to say no for the first time in my life, to actually say what it is I really want to say to another human face, to actually admit I'm messy and I screwed it up this week and everybody goes, good for you. I did it, too. I was right along with you there. And then I go, oh, my gosh, I'm not alone. Remember, isolation breeds shame and guilt because we feel like we're the only person that's doing it. And in a community, you're reminded you're doing that Too. All right. I guess I'm not so behind the curveball. It's why we learn best in community. A one session, you know, with no feedback whatsoever of implementation is really not going to take us very far. It's the real time practice and looking at another human face in community that really makes all the difference. It's where the learning really sticks. Remember, I need to be reminded far more than I need to be taught. And that's just true across the board for all of us. Us. So many of us know what to do, but we don't have what it is we need to actually do it, the thing we know we need to do. So we built our entire program around practice, around reps, and what we call the emotional weightlifting gym, around the reality that love isn't a skill you learn in a vacuum. If I want to get better at relationships, for God's sakes, do you really think you're going to be able to do that on your own? Remember, it's the relationship between me, myself and you. And don't I need a place of relationship in order to become better at that? I would say absolutely we do. I can't get better at relationships if I'm in a vacuum. I have to get better at relationships with others. And sometimes the other part isn't necessarily my partner that I'm struggling with. It's others that I feel safe enough to practice with with first. Because if it turns into a mess, it's not going to affect the rest of my life.

Well, it's others that are going through a similar challenge or transition. Think about it. I mean, you hear about these incredible experiences that people step into, whether that be a ropes course or river rabbit. You know, you're going through a similar challenge or transition. There is not, it's not even debatable the power of other human beings going through a similar transition at a similar time. There's really nothing that can replace that. And then this time, we're all asking for real time. IRL in real life is becoming less and less of our daily experiences. And it's starting to show in so many places in our societal experience. It's just. It's not even arguable. So this is really where we think is the missing piece.

So a shout out to all of you beautiful humans out there that are saying, I should know better and I should just be able to do this thing, thing, I want you to know that you need to replace that with, yeah, I might know what to do. I just need a few more reps. Of practice. Like, that's a shame story that we get spiraling in. I should know better. I should have done better. Yeah, but there was a reason why you didn't. What is that reason? You see now what would have made all the difference in the whole wide world? But do you understand that you probably didn't see it from the lens and the perspective that you're seeing it now? You probably didn't have that clarity and understanding that back then when you're judging yourself so harshly that you do in this moment, even from listening to our podcasts, hopefully. Thank you so much. If you're a podcast listener, we do a lot of teaching here and we get many listeners that say, oh, my gosh, this makes so much sense. And I see so clearly now. Why didn't I get it back then? Well, it's because you weren't there then. You didn't know this then, and you certainly hadn't practiced it then. I now see things from a different vantage point. Remember, remember, that's healing. That's transformation. That's how it happens. So I should know better just means I might have an idea of what to do. But I just need more practice right now. I really don't know how to implement this into my life, and maybe I'm a little nervous to do so. That's okay. That's human. This is why we say we get better at this as we go and we get better at this as we do it. It just like anything else I've become masterful at. I didn't learn how to do math in one sit down at the table. I didn't learn how to drive a car in one moment or one session of getting behind the wheel. I didn't become master at my profession by doing one conversation with one person and attending a class. It takes repetition over and over and over again to help us understand the nuances of how things work. And that could not be more true when it comes to matters of the heart like love and relationships. So I want to normalize the fact that it gets messy before it becomes mastered. That is normal. And think of anything. You know, I always go to baking because I'm such a crappy baker. I mean, if I would spend some time and practice it, I'd probably get better. I have no desire to do so. But consistently, when I go to bake bread or bake cookies or. Or bake a pie, it's a mess. But I am incredibly good at making things. I love to cook. Like, you know, I don't know what Would you say. What would you say my best thing is?

Geez, your best thing? Oh, you're a good cook.

I say steak fajitas.

Mexican. I'm pretty good at Mexican.

Incredible beans. Oh, man.

Deep fried beans are very good.

Killer.

And I've made them thousands of times, right? Thousands and thousands. Thousands.

And I would just add. I mean, I was just sharing this with someone I was talking to today. I mean, the thing about relationships, I mean, let's just be honest, you came together however time that was. And let's say you had some children. Think of the difference in the amount of moving parts now versus when you came together. You don't think there's some requirement for continued investment and getting better at this amongst all that you're navigating? How would we even think that that's possible? We just find someone, have a day of ceremony, check the box and call it good. And then we're surprised when we're having some bumps and the road.

I mean.

Well, think about in our current world with all the shit that's happening right now, how hard it is to even stay connected to yourself.

Yeah.

How to even like, know what you like or what you want or what you feel. So to expect it to just automatically happen with your partner who is probably feeling just as disconnected and crazy as you feel right now, that's a recipe for disaster. So of course you're going to need to come back to yourself and figure out what's going on and check in. But we don't do that. We just expect it to go well and then when it doesn't, we think, oh, we suck.

Well, and just really give it the grace and respect that it deserves. I mean, I've said this often, but at the end of the life you hear about end of life stories and where regret lies. And I think it's fair to say that most of that regret lies. I would say the greatest percentage is relational regret.

I call relationships the redheaded bastard. Right.

So I mean, if that's the case and we're all into this, let's hack it it. Well then let's get busy now before we're on our last days of this experience to like understand, like get busy now.

I feel like I need to shed some light on that just a little bit because we call it that because we probably need to change that whole come from. But what I'm trying to say is relationships, or the need to focus or get intentional about them is usually the thing we put on the back burner until someday I'll Spend some time there. Someday I'll do. Get to it. Someday I'll figure that out. And I think we do that because it's the most emotional space and place we have that we experience as being a human being. And so it's this invisible thing that we don't see the impact of.

Maybe hard to invest time.

Yeah. Because we don't feel like it's going to make a big deal or the ROI maybe.

But I mean, come on, if that's the case, if all the regret is at the end of. Well, the RRI is very clear. Like, like, you know, do this now or you're going to have a lot of regret when we get to the.

End of our day. If I'm pursuing cash, I can see my account getting bigger. And if I'm pursuing like a health and wellness journey, I can see my body getting stronger. And you know, there's some physical representation in regards to what is happening. And so I think we have a tendency to kick the relationship realm to the back burner.

Except the average price of a wedding is like 5 to 10,000.

When we're having problems, problems. And then it comes front and center.

And I need to, I need to get into. On your calendar, like right now. Okay, well, wait a minute. So. Yeah, but I mean, we're having some fun here. But I mean, you know, we're all about. Look, if this is important for you, then we need to behave like it is important. Like give it some modicum of investment. The currency of commitment, time, money, study, focus, energy. Just like it is in your job. I mean, most jobs. If you're a real estate agent, I'm an appraiser in my older life, I mean, all require continuous education. You have to get a new license every couple years. You have to do continuing education credits. I mean, if you're a lawyer. I mean, come on, most things in any job or whatever require continuous investment, become better. Well, why would it be any different in the most complicated thing in our life? This is the most complicated thing.

Totally agree. We don't need new advice. We need to go back and practice what it is we already know know that's important. And what is that for you right now? Like, what is that thing you need to go back and look at and practice that you know you need to be doing? And you need to maybe find some ways of settling in to do that. Repetitious practice. And heaven, if you need some help with that, well, I'm going to encourage you. First off, don't beat yourself up for needing Reminders. That's so human. That's how we learn. We need to be reminded far more than we need to be taught. And that's why we're here, to remind you that love isn't just magic. It's a practice. And it truly is available to all of us. The question is, will you learn and practice the principles and skills that are necessary in order to become a master at this? Because if you do, it's available to you, too. If you're in a season by chance right now of space and separation and your communication feels clumsy and confusing or you're completely shut down, we've got something for you. And it's called the Space and Separation Communication Playbook. And it comes with a self assessment that helps you spot your emotional survival patterns and shows you how to shift it. Because it's not just what you say, it's how you're showing up and saying it. And you can grab it right now for $9. Yes, I know. It's a bargain at $9. It's simple, it's powerful, and it's the best place to start if you're tired of guessing and ready for some clarity. Also, if you were ready to look deeper at finally learning some skills and principles about how it is, you too can move forward and create more of what it is you want. I call this the good stuff. Then please go to staceybartley.com and look at our programs, our courses, our Better Love Club. Like, these are all the things, the places and spaces that we offer to help you do, all the things that we've touched on and talked about today day. Follow the fun. Okay, this is going to be a really fun, great addition to what I talked about last week, which was the Tantrum Tamer 3000.

You know what? And I have to say, I have to take responsibility because I had committed to doing the Tantrum Tamer 3000. I didn't. So we're going to have to do it now.

We're going to have to make that right. But I've got another one for you.

I take full accountability. That was my bad.

Had.

No, no, no excuses. It just didn't happen.

Here's one that you can add to it. I call this the emotional MacGyver kit.

All right?

And what we're going to do here is we're going to de escalate a mood using a paperclip, a pen, and a sticky note.

Huh?

You thought that couldn't be an emotionally helpful moment, but it absolutely can. That's why I call it the MacGyver kit. Okay, here's what you're going to do, Blue. You're going to take that little note, and you're going to write whatever it is that you're fearful of, pissed off about, frustrated within, just name it. And then you're going to fold it super tiny, little, teeny, teeny, tiny. And then you're going to put a paperclip on it, and you're going to toss it in the garbage can like you mean it. This is your emotional DIY moment. Like, all right, I got you. I got you, you little bastard.

You know what I'm thinking? We may be showing our age because somebody like MacGyver. Well, MacGyver was in this incredible show. This guy could. How would you describe.

He would take a piece of paper or a piece of hose and maybe diffuse the bomb.

Yeah. I mean, he could like. Like with anything he could find. I mean, heart. But Google it. You're probably. I mean, the guy was amazing. Talk about resourceful. Like the epitome of resourcefulness. Especially in some very, very sticky situations. Like, very dangerous. Like, oh, my gosh, if you don't do something, this is not going to go well. That kind of a deal.

Understand that just gathering up the paperclip, a pen, and a sticky note to write your fear on is going to be something that you're going to focus your brain on that helps you de escalate the emotion. And then when you name it, to put it on the piece of paper, one step even closer. And then when you intentionally fold it. Right. Put a paperclip on it. And then, like, you mean it, toss it in the garbage can. It's amazing how I challenge someone.

Listener, please do it. And tag us, us. And then, Tom, now it's your turn. So call me out because I got two now. All right, So, I mean, come on, you know, we have some fun, but there's some real power in the practice as well. That's really the point here.

Well, we've kind of talked about that through the podcast episode. Right. We need each other. We need to practice. We need to share accountability. Our song for today is actually. You're going to be surprised, babe. It's a country song.

Oh, wow.

I know Brad. Harry Underwood. He would be so proud of me right now. But what have we been talking about through our podcast episode today? We've been talking about how it is we need to be reminded more so than we need to learn. Well, it just so happens Brad and Carrie have a song called Remind Me.

Oh, wow.

And it's so good. It's basically telling the story of how is it that we started out so in love I couldn't get enough of you. We created all these incredible moments together. Now I'm forgetting them. I need you to remind me me. I need you to help me remember when it was good and why it was good and how it was good. And I think these are the things that we forget. The past can remind us of what it is we want to create now. Those are the things that the past can really help us with, that really work. Let me bring it forward so you can check this song out by going to Spotify and searching up Love Shack Live playlist or going to our website@stacybartley.com well, all right. It's been wonderful to be here with you for yet another episode of Love Shack Live. Thank you so much for listening. If you have any comments or shares or questions or you want to call Tom out on the fact that he didn't get to the Tantrum Tamer 3000, go ahead and do so. We'd love to hear from you. And we'll see you next week, same time, same place. Ready to practice what actually works? Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.