#225: The Hidden Curriculum of Relationships: What Every Fight Is Trying to Teach You

Have you ever wondered, why do I keep ending up in the same painful patterns no matter how much I want something different? You say you want peace, but you keep getting pulled into conflict. You want deep love, but your walls won't let anyone all the way in. You want connection, but somehow you still feel alone, even when someone's right beside you. You're not broken. You're becoming in the messy middle of that journey. Well, it's a little thing we call relationships. Here's the thing. Our relationships aren't just experiences we have. They're teachers shaping who we are and who we become. And what you seek most in love is actually asking to be built within you. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor and emotional skill builder. And this is Love Shack Live, a podcast for people at a relationship crossroads who are tired of trying harder and and ready to do different. I'm here with my lover Tom, and our daughter Brooke. And together we've helped thousands of people face the truth of what's not working so that they can co create something far better. So here's what I want to ask you. What if the love, trust, safety, intimacy that you're longing for won't show up outside of you until it's alive within you? In today's episode, we're exploring what it really means to become what you seek and why every argument, every trigger, every. Every disappointment might just be emotional weightlifting in disguise. We'll talk about relational awareness, emotional gravity, and how conflict can actually be the catalyst for becoming the partner, parent, and person you most desire to be. This is about what I call co creation, ownership, and becoming the change your relationships have been waiting for. So let's dive in, shall we?

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

There is this hidden curriculum inside of all of our relationships, and I'll never forget being in a workshop. And I'm going to take you all back to like 1997, where I myself was a hot mess. I was sitting in a facilitated workshop and we were doing this little activity called How People Treat Me. And in this workshop, how you present yourself in life is how you go and respond to this group of people, these beautiful humans that were starting to help me see through the facade of all the masks and behaviors and beliefs that I had been living behind that were actually preventing me from having what it is I knew I wanted inside, but just didn't know how to acquire. It's this place where we go, ah, why does this always happen to me? And why do I attract this kind of person? And why do I find myself in these constant conversations of conflict? What the heck is going on? And so in this little game that we were playing called How People Treat Me, we were given a Persona. And, you know, Babe and Brooke, you'll probably be surprised to know that my Persona at the time was that of Superwoman, where I was the one and only person who could make the decision, save the day, figure it out, right? Da da da da. Here she comes. And that was my Persona. And of course, there were several other Personas. Some of them were playing mousy me that I didn't have a voice, I couldn't speak up. Some of them was the controlling Persona, where I'm going to push my weight around. I don't really care what you have to say about it. Like, we have these Personas that we live behind. And the task was that we were going to go around the room and that we were going to engage in this Persona. Like, we were going to act this Persona out so that we could start to see how that impacted people who we were interrelating with. And I'll never forget, as I was in the circle acting out my Persona, I had this profound moment where I realized that relationships, they were at the heart of every struggle and every desire. That whether my trauma came from childhood or my trauma came from a relationship I was currently in, or the trauma came from my inability to allow myself to live, live that it was all a relational issue. And that struck me as this profound aha moment. Like it was either the relationship I was struggling with, to build inside of myself, or it was the relational experiences that I'd had outside of my life. And those were the things that were creating my struggle, my conflict, my trauma, my triggers. And I've sensed over those last. I don't know how many years it's been now, 25, 30 years. Continue to come back to this concept again and again and again in my work, because relationships really are the classroom of life. Like, if it's really teaching me all the time, it's showcasing to me what works and what doesn't, how I show up in it and how I impact others who are around me. And we don't know to pay attention to that. In fact, we hold it very, very much in the inverse that if I'm having a difficult time with you, then you're doing it wrong, and I'm trying to justify my position. Or they're just a. This fill in the blank. Or they're just this label. Fill in the blank is the classroom of Life.

I mean, I'm not a sports person, but I do know that after football games, they go in the locker room and they go over what went right and what went wrong. Then they use that intel to change their performance in their next game. And we typically never do that in relationships. We acknowledge that what has happened, happened. But both people in the relationship have a different view on why that took place. But we don't then take that intel and use it to change or say, what could we improve? Or we just act like it's happening to us, even though we do. We have a huge amount of impact, but we act like we're not in control of anything.

And typically, what we do. We change people. Yes, we change people.

We.

If we just didn't have you causing all this problem, everything will be fine.

Yeah. So we either bulldoze through it, push an agenda, or we succumb and go quiet and lose my voice. And I make it all about just pleasing somebody else. And those are the two extremes.

I mean, yes. Well, people might say, listeners, gosh, well, Tom and Stacy, you guys, this isn't your first relationship. And you're right. I am not trying to say that there isn't times where, you know, you need to choose to have a loving release and move on, but at the end of the day, even say, with Brooke's mom, there's a lot of things I didn't do right. I mean, it's never one person's fault. So even though I chose to end that relationship, there were things I could have done much better.

If we're learning from, however it goes, regardless of the choices that we make, it's going to teach you something. And we get better at love as we go, however our choices play out. That's my belief.

That's your thesis.

That is my very documented thesis, not only in my own personal life, but in the people and the clients that we hold dear. So if I make a particular choice, whatever that choice is going to be, it's going to teach me something. The thing that I think we're missing is that I'm not paying attention to the lesson that it's sharing, nor do I know what to do instead. And so we get all hung up on making the right choice When I propose to you. We get better at love by doing it. Whether we stay or we go or we create something completely different, all of it's going to teach me something. My question to you is, what are you learning from love right now? What is it teaching you, regardless of where you might find Yourself, listener, in the realm of relationships.

And are you listening? Are you listening?

I want to add one caveat to that, because in order to listen, you kind of have to set your ego down, because to learn from love, just like dad said, you have to be willing to admit what your part is. Can't. There's going to be no learning if all you're doing is defending that. No, you didn't do that. It's just. That would just be like listening to respond, not to understand. You have to humble yourself and be willing to admit, yeah, I did do all of that shit. And I'd like to also say you didn't do it because you were trying to hurt your partner. You did it because you were coping. So let go of the shame and the guilt, but give yourself the gift of admitting it so then you can actually learn the lessons that love is wanting to give to you.

It's. We look at these things, and yes, sometimes the worst critics are ourselves. If there was one gift that I could give to humanity, it would be. And I say this to myself as well, because I'm in. This is when I'm learning something that's really difficult sometimes to swallow. Like, wow, I did that. I said that I showed up like that to learn it and. And look at it from a place of, like, what is it teaching me and what is it showcasing I need to become better at, instead of me beating myself up, that I did it in the first place. And know the gift of seeing it is the ability to change it. And the more upfront and personal I can become with some of these things that I struggle with, the better teachers they can be for me in the long run.

I would say this is very different than what we typically do as a society is we think as soon as we can figure out who's the one that really made the mistake and get him or her to really understand and repent long enough, get there, you know what, together, then we'll be fine. That's really. I mean, that's it in a nutshell. And with great love and respect, we've got to move away from that premise I just shared with you. You know, with Brook's mom, there's a ton of stuff that I made mistakes on. I don't care how egregious it may seem from the outside. We know this from great experience because we've been blessed to be brought into some very difficult situations. That's very confidential, and it's never just one person's deal.

Yeah, I was gonna say when there's like a cheating.

Yes.

When a relationship ends because of cheating, it gives the person who didn't cheat an out to maybe learn nothing because they were a victim of the cheating. And so they move on from that relationship, not taking any of the lessons they could have learned. They only take, well, I was betrayed and my partner was a piece of shit. And that's it. Because it. That kind of becomes like a shield that they can use and they become a victim. I'm not saying that's wrong. I'm just saying it's because they don't know any better. But when you can kind of dig into that and then really look at both people's behaviors, you're going to get more understanding and it's going to be easier to heal from the situation if you allow yourself to admit that maybe you did some things that weren't so great either.

Here's the premise I want you to think about in this episode. We don't just want to be better at relationships. We want to become the kind of person who can be in them. Like, we know how to navigate them. We know that they're going to have challenges and ups and downs and ebbs and flows and conflict. Conflict is tension. Well, tension's not bad because it really makes for great sex. So how do we work with tension? Tension is a part of the relation experience. And I have my part that I play that I bring to the table and my partner has their part that they play and bring to the table. And then there's the us that's created as a part of that co creation experience between us. And it's not that one is right and one is wrong. It's not that one has the answers and the voice and one doesn't. It's that we have this melding of two perspectives, two desires, two places that we hold that commonly, and this is normal commonly are polar opposites, which creates the tension. So the better chemistry you have in your relationship, the more tension you're managing and the more reward that you can garner from that polarization in the experience. And so relationships really are our classroom. Relationships are our greatest teachers. They are constantly teaching me, even if I'm not in one right now, a romantic one. Because we all have relationships and we come from relationships and we will continue to have a relationship even if I'm alone on my own island. I have a relationship of polarity or tension with inside of myself called my thoughts and my feelings. And sometimes they don't jive, sometimes they don't see eye to eye. Sometimes I've got to work some things out, even within myself. And that is a teeny microcosm of the larger picture that continues to grow and expand in my relationships in the world. From me, myself and I to you and I to you and us to us and them to them and my human family. And as that grows, the complexity grows and the polarization and the different points of view that you need to take into perspective grows, but also the reward grows. And I can't just start there. We start as an infant, as a baby, as a little something that has a relationship with myself and my caregiver. And that grows and expands as I grow in my family and I grow in my friends, and I grow in my community and I grow in my world. And so relationships are always there to teach me the impact of how I'm showing up and how it has on others. And then that biofeedback loop of what can I do with that? And then how can I learn? Or what do I need to learn? Or where do I need to go from here? It is the never ending teacher. It is the never ending classroom. This idea of feedback loop is why relationships are more than just companionship. They really are feedback loops that feed back to us again and again and again. Places and spaces where I'm knocking it out of the park and I can celebrate that and be proud of that and build self esteem and confidence around that. And they're also going to show me places and spaces where maybe I need to rethink that or I need to relook at that, or I need to understand that so that I can make better choices, right for who it is I'm going to become tomorrow. When difficult things happen, it's really not so much people are doing it to me, although I don't want to minimize the impact of that. Yes, people do do things to me because of how they're showing up. But do we ever ask why they're showing up the way they are? And, and that would be important because then I'm learning from love. I'm not just raging against love.

Instead, you have, I imagine there might be some people listening to this episode right now that are thinking, okay, understand the value of this. I'm ready to learn. But what if I know that my partner is super defensive or not willing to admit their wrongdoings or see their part in things? How do you navigate that?

Well, I would say if you're feeling inspired to grow and learn yourself, then grow and learn yourself. Because when you grow and learn how you start showing up in the relationship differently creates the polarization or the impact that you're having on the relationship. Like, if I start showing up better, it totally changes everything. Healthy or painful. This dynamic is showing us something about ourselves and about how we engage. So the equation is literally me, you, us, me plus you creates us. And that us part is the dynamic that we consistently complain about and rage about and we consistently blame each other for not being able to experience this us part. And if you talk to enough human beings in the space of relationships, they all want the same things. What do we want? We want deep intimacy and connection, right? We want great sex, we want a safe place. But then at the same time, we want a very mysterious place. You know, a very stimulating space that helps me grow and expand. Well, how does that happen? It happens because we understand that this dynamic is always showing me my part, your part, and the us part. And those are really three different parts that we want to look at. How do I engage with you? How do you engage with me? And as a result of that, what is created out of us. And that's the co creation part, and that's also the teaching part where I might come to a realization that, in fact, I'm just going to be completely candid with you. Tom and I have been working through one recently, in the last year for sure, where I'm trying to learn and become a better me by learning it's okay to have help and support and it's okay for somebody to be all up in my stuff because traditionally being that Superhero, remember back 1997, where I was the superhero and I was the one that was supposed to know it all and save the day and save you. And it's so funny when I think back about this, on this episode, babe, where I go, don't you worry about a thing. I'm gonna take us to the promised land.

We're still waiting. Okay.

Anyway, current day, I was still working with this. You know, some of these lessons last a lifetime, right? And Tom has this tendency in his own Persona to feel like he can't make a mistake. He has to have all the things in order and he has to figure it all out. He has to have all the details. He has to stay up on that. And sometimes that makes him a hot mess. And so in his attempt to do that for me, I can get a little testy, testy about him having his fingers on my staff.

He tells me to back off.

And so we have. How many conversations are we having this? Thousands, Thousands about I don't want him to not help me. Okay, that's not what I want. But I don't know that I necessarily want him to micromanage me either. And like where in the polarity and the structure is that sweet spot? And I now.

So now I ask permission. Is it okay if I put your phone in the side pocket of your backpack? I mean, for real.

I suppose I just want you to think, think about the balance point between some of the conversations that we have in our relationship space. Should I stay or should I go? Well, maybe it's a hybrid of something in between. What am I learning from that and where's the sweet spot? And is it just going to be a day where I wake up and go, aha, I have the answer. So many of us try and make choices without any of the understanding. We're like leaping over the understanding point to make a choice that we probably need to slow down on and kind of create some more understanding about myself and what am I learning and what do I need to understand about this? And I would say that regardless of what chapter of relationship you're in, am I going to jump into dating? Well, I don't know. What's the understanding of yourself and where you're at and what you need and from your past? Should I stay or should I go? Well, I don't know. What's the understanding about yourself and your partner and the us part? I mean, do you know your part? Do you know their part? Do you know what's playing out here? Or I want to work on my relationship. I want to make it better. Those are the three places that we really support in the relationship journey. And I want to save my marriage. Okay, well, do you understand your part, their part, and how that creates on us part? Because we're trying to make decisions and choices based on no understanding. And that's because I think really at the end of the day, we don't understand that relationships really are our teacher. What are they teaching you? Let's just start there first and let's propose that idea to our partners and then let's see what we end understand out of that. That is always going to be a place of choice. A place of choice comes out of that. But we're making choices without the understanding supported. Now we're anxiety ridden and we're doubtful and we're trying to just go, I guess I'll do this because it feels so painful today. Time out.

I think, I think what you're uncovering, baby, is really powerful because I think A lot of us, and again, no fault at all. But we're looking kind of like we do here in the States, you know, the United States, I mean, kind of our healthcare model, you know, you go and you take two of these, you know, three times a day and seven days, you're going to be good. Meaning it's a very task oriented process. And really what we teach and coach and mentor is you have to understand this is going to be an exploration. We want you to get into a place of discovery here and quite frankly, most of us have never done that unless we're forced to. We're very much wanting to be more on the proactive side and we're working on that as a family and a body of work. Excuse me. Many of us reach out to us and we're grateful that that happens and not that we wish it will on you, but when the relationship house is kind of burning down, think, oh, maybe we do need some exploration now. Yeah. But I just cannot overstate how this is not cliche. But think about it. How much time have you really spent other than your wonderful day of ceremony, if you had one? Probably a lot of intention and attention and money and time went in to plan that one day or eight hours or whatever it was. And we love a great party. But how about after that? Has there been any similar modicum of a long term play? Like if you have a health practice or a hobby or you like to cook? I mean it's a continuous thing. If the amount of things that Stacy and I have navigated over the 15 years we've been together, if there wasn't this constant place of exploration and her telling me she doesn't want me to handle every nap, you know, detail in her life, no, man, I'm having fun.

But it's true.

This has been an evolving thing. I mean, it has to be that way. How else could it. It's the most fluid and dynamic thing we're ever going to step into. Let's just be honest. So I think to give it that, that realization and that respect and grace, change it as we view this.

Instead of what is this relationship giving me? I would encourage you to ask, what am I learning from this experience? Like identify the most incredible challenge in your relationship and ask yourself, what is it teaching me right now about myself and about life and about love? Because now we're starting to extract the benefit of relationships. I always say if you want to put your personal growth on steroids, go ahead and get into a relationship because it's going to Give you more of everything, more of all the things you long for. But it's also going to give you challenges and problems and conflict and tension. And that challenge is the something that we grow with. We won't grow without challenge.

And you know how you really want to put it on steroids is getting a relationship with someone has a lot of damn kids and grandkids.

I knew you were going to say that.

Well, it's just really wanted to grow. Big package. Yeah, I guess I really was yearning. I mean, you go with your bad self. Here you go. Try this one on. I mean, you know, my mom. My mother. Love you, Mom. Miss you. She married a man of nine children and she was a single child.

Yeah, she wanted to grow, too.

So God love you, Mom. I mean, I'm one of four boys and she married a man who had nine. Now we got nine. Last time I checked, nine plus four is 13. Stacy and I are. But like, I'm daily having, like, bless your.

Ask yourself this. When I get reactive, what is that teaching me about my own fears and insecurities? What is it teaching me about myself? And sit with that for a minute because what's going to start to bubble out of that is some realizations about my own sense of self and my own relationship with me, devoid of what anybody is doing or not doing. Again, not to say that the way that people show up don't have impact, but so do you. The way you show up has impact. And there's this incredible cause and effect that happens in relationships that the way I show up impacts the way you show up and the way you show up impacts the way I show up. And now we're having a competition about who's doing it better when we're all doing the same stuff, we're all doing the same shit. And so if we can pause that for a moment and dig a little deeper, that would be. The very first skill that I would encourage you to acquire in this space is relational self awareness. And I wanted to find that for you because it means noticing your inner world while staying attuned to another's. I want you to take that in for a minute. I can understand and be aware of where I am and how my showing up is impacting you and vice versa.

And would you say that that's not well demonstrated?

It's not well known. It's not even an awareness that we would even consider having when you and I start to butt heads like, look, babe, the only way that we have productive conversations thousands and thousands of times about this inner dynamic that you and I are currently working through is that we have in moments. And I'm not going to say it's consistent and constant. I don't want to paint that picture like this is a skill that we have to reach for. It's a tool in our toolbox. It is not something that we naturally and intuitively go to. It's a tool that I have to go, oh, wait a minute. How I'm starting to make up your doing and the reasons why is may or may not be true. Let me just focus on what I'm doing and how I'm showing up. I might be coming in a little hot. I might be saying some things I don't really mean. I might be jumping the gun because of what I'm making up as true. And then that's absolutely going to impact how you show up. And so I have to be aware of what's going on in me while staying attuned to you and how that's impacting you. And that is what I call an emotional pushup. It's a skill, but it's also a moment where I have to pause and do a pushup to even have the thought to go, whoa, wait a minute, okay, I don't want to really go here with you. What am I doing that might be causing you to show up the way that you do? And let me understand that, and then I can share with you where I'm coming from. Like that self awareness, to even have that thought is a skill that we spend a lot of time teaching about in our body of work. Because that relational awareness is something I've got to cultivate and become mindful of. It's me becoming aware of the Persona that I very much use. And I'm sure this is going to be a lifelong thing for me. Where do I put on my superwoman cape and feel like I need to be the one and only person who's going to save the day? And the irony of that is, you know what ticks me off and triggers me and plugs me in is when I feel like I'm the only person standing. I'm the only one that gives a damn. Like that. That really ticks me off. Now just think about that for a minute. Think about the contrast and the polarization there. What I'm saying I want is to save the day and to have something that you can resource from me that I can be useful, that I can be a contributive source on planet Earth. But on the other side, I Get really pissed off when I'm the only one standing and I'm the only one that appears to be giving a damn, and I'm the only one that's aware of what's going on. Like, where is everybody?

Only a few of us get to wear the cape.

Well, and. And the cape needs to come off. I need to realize, as I do and remind myself many times, look, we're all in this together. We all have contribution and usefulness. And just because I feel useful in this moment doesn't mean you should have to be. And that's awareness.

But also, when dad wants to be a superhero for you and help you, you say, no, no, no, no.

There's only one person who wears the cape, right? And so we start to see how these Personas have two swinging doors. One that serves me and one that challenges me, as all contrast does. Right. So we talk a lot about it in our work. Contrast, because it is such a huge role in relationships or this concept of polarization. And that may be the first time you're hearing this, and it may be the one and only time you've heard of this. It's a huge piece that we focus on consistently in my body of work. I just want you to see how it plays out in our relationships. And when we can start to understand that relationships are a teacher, we can start to understand why, when we understand polarization, that I want somebody to come close, I want somebody to be intimate, I want somebody to be here in these places and spaces. So why is it that I create just the opposite? Well, it's teaching you what you need to understand about yourself in order to have what it is you desire. And without that relational awareness skill, it's going to be a heck of a journey in order for us to learn that. And so, you know, just polarity is not the problem. It's the teacher. We can start to have conversations like, I'm here because I said I would be versus I'm here because I choose to be. And some people would be plugged in about that without realizing we're both saying the same thing.

Give us a very, very simple. I think polarity is a. That has a. That's a big. It's not a big word, but it's a word that can, I think, at least for me, it brings a lot of meaning. So give me a like. Specific to relationships specifically.

Well, I think we've touched on some. You know, if I wear my super human cape or my superwoman cape, I want to help you, but I have A hell of a time allowing you to help me. That's contrast. I and let me just expand it into some of our clients worlds. I want to be seen and heard and valued in this relationship, but I don't have a voice. I won't speak up and advocate for myself. I want really good things for my family. And so I push and push and demand and corner and yet I can't figure out why it is I don't have connection and intimacy and that I'm not well respected and loved by my people, my peers. Like that's contrast. That is how it plays out in our lives. Like the very thing that challenges us is the very thing I probably say I'm wanting.

Well, and it can be tremendous intel for us to learn from and to observe and to explore and discover what that contrast is telling us.

Once we get over the emotional triggers, the emotional trigger is going to go, oh damn them, son of a. Without realizing, okay, why is this triggering me? Why am I upset about this and what do I need to learn from it?

So what does it take to go from that, what you just described, that angst, that being pissed off, to turning that into being self reflective and learning from love. How do we bridge? I would say that's a very large chasm. Yes.

It's really not as big as it feels, but it feels really big. We have to have that relational self awareness where I go instead of taking it out on you. Why is this upsetting me? No.

So, okay, but how do I like when I'm in the throes of like, damn it, you know, how do I take myself from where I usually live to where I want to live to more into what you're sharing and suggesting here.

And sometimes I'm just thinking of my experience and what I encourage our clients to do. Sometimes I need to just go discharge the emotion. So we have to remember that emotion puts things in motion and so quickly in those triggers. And that frustration of what I want so desperately seeming just out of reach, I tend to take it out on somebody because the emotion is building. The anxiety, the frustration, the resentment, the irritation, it's building. And so I need to find some effective ways to discharge that because that's where the clarity will come after. So sometimes call it shake a bush. I've called that for a long time with my kids and stuff. Sounds like you need to go shake a bush first. And that just means you gotta go throw a temper tantrum first. You've ever wondered why a two year old throws themselves on the ground and then after, you can have a conversation with them. Well, as adults, we're really not any different. Like, the emotion becomes so overwhelming and so intense that sometimes I just need to go throw a temper tantrum somewhere. But unfortunately, we've made it inappropriate to throw a temper tantrum in our culture and society. So then we need to go create safe places where we can. Where we gotta go shake a bush, yell and scream at a tree, or work out or exercise or journal or scream at. Discharge the emotion, and then we can settle in, start examining some of the things that we're touching on in this podcast episode.

How have you gone from being aggravated that I want to help you and support, you know, I mean, I'm serious. I mean, let's just. I mean, there's times where it kind of reaches up kind of ahead, and then, you know, you know, then I just say, babe, okay, man, look, I'm just here to help you, man. I mean, just tell me what you want and don't want. I'm good with it. So how do you, you know, give a real life example? How do you. Other than you can say, babe, don't. Don't do that.

I'll say, okay, well, some of it is asking for what it is you want, disclosing what you're wrestling with. Some of it comes in the form of tears. If you've ever wondered why we cry because we're discharging emotion, like, that's. That's the temper tantrum in adult terms. Sometimes I have to really sit and think about, why am I struggling with this? I've done journaling about it, and. And I've done conversations with myself about it, and I've had conversations with you about it, and. And I'm learning from it. I'm learning, and I hope that I'm softening with your ability to help me. I feel like the conversations between us are starting to become easier around it. When it first started to poke its head up, it was a little intense. There was a lot of friction there. Over the last several months, we've done a great job of talking through these things. As you understand more of what's coming up for me, and I understand more of what's coming up for you. It creates this understanding in those places where we can actually make some different choices around.

I'm just having a real live thought. I don't set Stacy's alarm anymore. We've talked a lot about that over the years. I mean, we haven't talked about it recently, but I don't set Stacy's alarm anymore.

Some of our followers will be saying, thomas, Stacy, you've been talking about the alarm clock for, I don't know, about 10 years.

I chose to set it this morning. Now, I'll tell you why. Because we go to CrossFit, and Stacy was sharing last night. I need to go. My gosh, I haven't been all week. We have a wonderful group where they're going to wonder where I'm at. And I said, yeah, baby, you haven't. Stacy was very tired last night, and so I found her phone this morning. I says, you know what? I'm feeling very confident that I can set her alarm and it will be totally okay, you know, and a lot of times I'll leave a note on her phone. I said, no, I don't need to do that. I mean, she said she wanted to go. She wanted to see our peeps. So I said, so this. When I came home this afternoon, I said, am I good okay to set that alarm? She said, yeah, no, thank you so much. Right? I mean, yeah.

So there's a softening of it. If you've been around for any period of time in our podcast and with us in the space, you know that Tom setting the alarm clock was a really big deal.

Just we worked on that one for.

A while, and, yeah, it was okay that he set the alarm clock. And. And so it is this place where, look, the more I understand myself and the more I understand the people I'm in relationship with, the more what plays out of it makes sense behavior. It doesn't make any sense if I'm just judging it from afar. But when I understand what's motivating it, then it always makes sense. And those are the pieces and places that often in our communication and conversations, we miss.

I was scrolling through TikToks, as I often do, which I'm sure the majority of our listeners also do, and I came across one of the most Genius uses for ChatGPT that I've ever heard someone talk about. And she was saying, I was in this fight with a family member, and I just was so sure that I was right and there was no possible way that my family member's point of view could have any merit. And I said, I just cannot understand how you could possibly see things this way, how you could possibly be saying these things to me. And the family member just said, well, I feel the same way. You know, they were at a crossroads where there was no way for them to clear through it. And so she said she named her chatgpt like a human name. So she's like, I went to talk to Evie or something like that and I explained the situation and I said, you know, this is how I feel, this is how my family member feels. Could you please explain to me how I could possibly be wrong here and how I could not be seeing things in the same way as my family member? And she said, I've never been so humbled in my life. The ChatGPT pointed out exactly where I was missing it and exactly how, like in a very nice, gentle way, how family member was seeing it and how they were confused by how I was coming across. And she said it made total sense. And you know, sometimes people get down on AI, which I totally agree and understand why it feels dangerous and can be nerve wracking to have a robot that, that's doing things that we can't do. But I think that is such a genius use of it because it's unbiased and it will just, it can perfectly explain two points of view. And you, you're not getting offended by it. It's just pointing something out to you that you really can't see. And I think we miss that so often in our relationships. Like, you and dad totally have different views about the Alarm Clock. You see it as him trying to parent you. He sees it as just trying to help you. But if you didn't have the skills you have, you guys would just fight about it all the time. But being able to, for this lady to talk to ChatGPT and say, Please show me where I'm missing this, and then when it did, it blew her mind. Think about how that's going to change her life going forward. It's going to give her like a third eye to see the wall that she's not being able to see through.

When we understand that each of us as a human being carries a tiny, tiny piece of the whole picture of what's actually going on, then that helps us start wrapping our head around why it is. Sometimes I really don't get where you're coming from, but that doesn't negate somebody else's perspective. I mean, and if we were to view that also as a contribution to the whole, like the more fractals of perspective, the better view I have of the whole picture. That it actually is this expanding quality that sometimes we can rage against instead of appreciate. Yeah, like that is the challenge of relationship. Right.

One other thing, I sent you guys this TikTok last night, but I sent it really late, so I don't think you watched it, but it was a. A perfect description of what we're talking about right now. I'm just gonna share it. Okay. Mom, too, watched it. It's a lady who has two babies, and one wears size three diapers, and the other one wears size four diapers. And she asked her nanny, could you please sort them into two different piles so that I don't have to look at them? I can just grab them. And she said, sure, no problem. And she went to grab one, and there was a three in the four pile. And she said, I'm a Details productivity solutions nerd. So my first instinct was not, why is my nanny an idiot? My first instinct was, oh, there must have been some misunderstanding in my instructions, or she didn't really know what I was asking her to do, and she just did it. I want to figure out what it is. So she just went up to her and said, hey, I noticed there were some size threes in the size four pile. I'm just wondering, could you tell me what happened? Like, very casually. And she said, oh, I sorted them by the designs on the diaper. So she was looking at the pictures on the diaper and putting all the ones that were the same pictures in each pile, thinking, that must be. But no, there's like, a hidden three or a hidden four in, like, a portion of the picture that's hard to see. And so they just were. It was a total miscommunication. Total, like, very innocent thing that she did. And so the lady who was making the video just said, think about how different that interaction would have been if I was like, how the heck did you make this mistake? Why didn't you separate them in the correct piles? And she was talking about how that can translate into relationships and workplaces. Because most people are not trying to get things wrong or make mistakes. They're just doing what they think is right. But you have to ask the correct questions to get to the answer and figure out what went wrong there. And think about how often that happens in our everyday lives.

I mean, that's a. To me, I love it. I mean, I haven't watched it yet, Bert, but, I mean, that's like.

That's.

I mean, we call that our internal movie. I mean, think about it.

They.

And guess what? Which one is right? Both.

Right, Exactly.

Both are. One person is sorting the diapers by design, not realizing that each size has the same designs in it, and the other. Yeah, the other person is going by the little teeny tiny.

Really? If you forget everything on this episode, realize I mean, we're all having very, very different internal experiences from the same stimuli. And let's be honest, ladies and gentlemen, listeners, the amount of stimuli that we're navigating now is we've never, ever navigated this. So all the more importance to make sure that you give them the benefit and the privilege to share their movie with you. Because most likely it's going to be that different. I guarantee it. I just thought of three and four, you know, because I'm. I'm like all about detail.

I put the dang things on backwards.

It just. Just like struck me so hard. Like, oh, my God. Because think about in work, if you make a mistake but you don't get, explain what led you to do it in the way that you did it. People are just mad that you got it wrong. Well, you were doing it right. You just misunderstood a simple thing. We do that so much and we beat people up so much. When she just made it clear that everyone usually has good intentions. My nanny was sorting these diapers in the way that she thought was correct. It's just, it was kind of mind blowing for such a simple thing.

Yeah. So like Brooke said, imagine if this was really like something that was significant. Can you imagine the escalation and like the levels of importance and how much is on the line and this is over. I mean, so we.

You cannot think about the impact too. Oh my gosh. Like, yes, a simple mistake that has larger impact. Yes, that my diapers are like threes and fours on the same pile, but that this has had egregious impact, that really impacts a lot of things. My finances, my health, my sense of wellbeing, my safety, my stability. And then we can start to really kind of get malicious without realizing. No, actually it wasn't coming from a malicious place, which nine times out of 10, it's not. It's just my perspective on the whole was fractured.

I interpreted it differently than you.

Exactly. And that's okay.

Brings us to the idea, like, are you willing to become the thing that you desire for yourself and then offer it to others? Like, if you want peace, do you practice inner peace yourself? Do you know what that feels like? Do you experience it within yourself? You say you want honesty, but can you tolerate really hearing the truth for yourself? Or do every time you hear the truth, you attack and then you feel like you need to defend yourself? Do you blame or solve in that phase of wanting to build truth? Because I'm going to tell you, you can't build truth and honesty and vulnerability if Every time somebody tells you the truth, you lose your shit. Like that. That's not going to work. And it's going to keep you from having the thing that you, you say you really want to have. And these things are important for us because these are the teachers that we have inside of ourselves and we need to be mindful of those. Do we invite listening? Do I listen well or do I just want somebody to listen to me? Am I currently in a place where I understand myself well enough that I can ask you questions to understand you, or am I just fighting for airtime and we're both doing the same thing. It's kind of like me. I want to have something of contribution, but I won't allow somebody to contribute to me. And so that's going to prevent me from experiencing or having ultimately what it is I say I want in the end.

Well, again, I mean, realize everything in the universe is based on an exchange. I mean, you know, everything is a balanced component. The whole universe is. We know that from physics. I mean this is not woo woo. This is scientific fact. So if there is an an imbalance, then there's going to be a correction. Doesn't matter what the imbalance is. So yeah, I mean, Stacy wants to save the world, but then she gets aggravated me when I'm trying to contribute to her to refill the tank so she can save more of the world. I'm just saying, babe, I don't want you to flame out. For the typically those of us that care the most, this is the hardest to receive. Yes, we're huge givers, but we just give and give and we have a hard time. Like someone wants to buy something. Oh no, no, I could not. I can't accept it. Well, remember, you're also blocking them to contribute to you you. So that's another thing you have to take into consideration.

So my bottom line question that I want to ask you today, listener, that is the whole point of this episode is what quality are you seeking in others that you could start cultivating in yourself?

And let me ask a question to you, mom too. In your work with all of our private clients, do you find that the number one thing that people would list. Fill in the blank. They are not practicing themselves. Like the number one thing that they desire, they are not doing it themselves.

Correct.

For sure. Not even close.

Very, very, very common. Because it's hard for us to see our blind spots. We become so impassioned with the positioning that I'm in. It's very difficult to see the alternative point of view that takes us. Well, to be fair, awareness is our first.

Yeah.

That's often why it takes a skilled person, you know, like us or someone that it's, I mean, it's much easier for us to go to someone that doesn't have all the inter, you know, connection and interwovenness of our lives. He or she can be very, very clear and very objective to point some things out to us to maybe take under consideration. There's nothing wrong with that. It's the same reason why I've shared this before. But I've been a real estate appraiser and many people say, oh Tom, I could appraise my own, my own house. I say with great love and respect, there's no way you could do that. Why? Because you have so much of all the meaning and things that have taken place inside that house. And no disrespect, but that doesn't matter to me. I go in there objectively, I know the things I'm supposed to look for. Just like a good coach does. I mean, he or she knows what to look for and what to share with you and have it come under consideration and observation. Very hard for us to do that ourselves. Very hard really is the big hard.

Truth is relationship have the power to break you open and they will. It can be an insufferable challenge, it can bring you to your knees. You can kick a can down the road of avoiding the self awareness and the observation of looking at ourselves. But eventually it's all going to catch up to you and you're in a corner begging for the truth and the understanding that has been hunting you down. And if you let it after it cracks you open, it will also be the thing that will rebuild you. Better relationships are the classroom and skills are the practice. This is the opportunity that every moment, even the relationships with ourselves, is trying to get your attention, to teach you, to help you understand so that you can make choices that take you in the direction that you ultimately want to go in and how this might apply to you. For those of you in space and separation, space doesn't mean stuck. It actually means training season. Like it's time. Here we go, let's go. If you're waiting for another person to change, I need you to pause. What if this is your moment to learn and grow? Like this is your moment to step into the emotional weightlifting gym and practice becoming what it is you long for in this relationship that will then take you into a better relationship where you are or better relationships overall with calm, clarity and Compassion like use these conflict memories as reps. How would I respond now, knowing what I know today as I learn and grow and become better? For couples trying to save their marriage, you're not just rebuilding the relationship, you're rebuilding yourselves. Every disagreement is a chance to flex a new muscle. What does that look like? Listening, pausing, showing up differently. Understanding that the way I show up impacts the way you show up. So what am I doing to improve that? So that when you respond to me or interact with me, it's a better experience. Listen, if you want more intimacy, then you've got to show up more vulnerably. Want more honesty? Model truth with kindness. Replace why can't you with with. Here's how I'm trying to show up differently. Would you meet me here? Would you be willing to join me here? And for those of you who are single and dating, you don't attract what you want, you attract what you embody. If you're seeking someone grounded, kind or emotionally available, are you practicing those same things yourself? Instead of fixating on whether they'll choose you, focus on becoming the version of you that you would choose every single day. Dating is not a performance and it's an emotional strength training. Let it show you what still needs healing. And if you want to flex any of these emotional muscles with others who get it, I'm going to invite you to join us inside of the Better Love Club. It's your training ground for connection, courage and co creation. I want to also share with you there's a path for space and separation, saving your marriage and coming soon singles and dating. And because we value you as a podcast listener, you can also receive a 15% off your first month by using Love Shack. 15 will give you 15% off your first month. And again you get to choose your path where you are so that you two can start working. Let's talk about a little follow the fun. So today I'm going to introduce the concept of of Crisis Karaoke. It's a pick a karaoke worthy song that matches your current mood, whatever it might be, and then I'm going to encourage you to sing it loudly, perhaps off key with zero shame. Like let it go, Let it rip, girl. And boy. Bonus points for dance moves and using maybe a hairbrush or a mixing spoon as a microphone. Remember, emotion moves through you. When you use your voice and move, emotion creates motion. So sometimes we just gotta blow it out a little bit. So Crisis Karaoke is absolutely gonna help you do that if you follow the instructions above. And each week we choose a song, a theme song for this episode. And today I've chosen the song Rise up by Andra Day. I don't know why I'm getting emotional here, but I can tell you that in moments where I'm like clawing on the edges of struggle, I love this song because it reminds me that I have the ability to move mountains and walk it out and that I will rise up in spite of the ache and the pain and the thoughts and the trough that I'm going to die. I'm not going to make it. I can't see it through. This is too hard. And in the song it says, we will move mountains and we will walk it out and we will rise up in spite of the ache and we'll do it a thousand times again because you are stronger than you know.

I think it's a good song for this current time in our history as well.

I totally agree. You can listen to this song along with our entire relationship playlist on our website, going to our podcast page, or you can search it up on Spotify Love Shack Live playlist.

So people might listener might be saying, stacy, Tom, Brooke, like, like I'm going through space and separation or I'm trying to save my marriage. How would I. Why would I want to step into a group like the Better Love Club? That seems to be very counterintuitive to me. I know we talk about this often as a family, but like what comes to mind, babe, why? Why would it be beneficial and more empowering to step into a small group even to do a one on one with you? Why is that so important and seem to be so misunderstood?

We talked about it on the podcast. Every single person has a perspective or a piece of the whole. And the more pieces of the whole I can understand, the more I understand the whole. And so when you step into a community, you have many people who are on the same journey that you are on. And each of those people will become such a gift and a teacher to you in your life because they have a piece of the whole. And so just remember that yes, coming to see me would be a piece to the whole. But becoming a part of a community becomes more pieces to the whole. And we each have our role to play. And, and guess what? Sometimes we don't think about this on the other side, you have a piece to someone else's whole. Don't forget that.

And I'll just say, I mean, you know, I'm the detail person. We have everyone sign a confidentiality agreement. This is a very very sacred place. And it saddens us because I think a lot of people, oh gosh, I could never do that. Look, we understand that, but what I would just say is give it a try. Because we've had so many people think, oh my gosh, I never realized I could step into a small group and have this kind of support and camaraderie and vantage points that I would never have otherwise. So I know it's counterintuitive, but I would just ask you to be fair. Have you ever tried it? Well, then it's probably fair to say give it a try and see and we'll do everything we can for it to be a very, very powerful experience for you.

Thank you so much for being here inside the Love Shack today. We'll look forward to seeing you next week, same time, same place. Ready to practice what actually works? Remember, relationships are the classroom, skills are the practice. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.