#229: Why Do Boundaries Make Me Feel Worse? How to Set Limits Without Losing Love

Have you ever thought that you set a boundary and still ended up feeling misunderstood, guilty, or even more disconnected than before? Maybe you finally said no, and they got angry and accusatory, and then you felt guilty. Maybe you pulled away to protect yourself and create clarity, but it just created more confusion for you and the whole situation. Or maybe you've been on the receiving end of someone who finally drew a line that felt more like rejection. And instead of respect and consideration, here's the truth. Most of us weren't taught how to create boundaries that honor life. We were taught to use them as walls, ultimatums, as ways to punish, control, or even protect ourselves from ever being hurt again. But that's not what healthy boundaries are meant to be. Real boundaries aren't about control. They're about clarity. They aren't about power. They're about disclosure. And at their best, they aren't a rejection. They're a radical act of love for. For yourself and others. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor and emotional skill builder, and this is Love Shack Live, a podcast for people at a relationship crossroads who are tired of trying harder and ready to try different. I'm here with my partner in life and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke. Together, we've helped thousands of people navigate the hard stuff so they can build something real, respectful, and lasting. And in today's episode, we're talking about what boundaries really are, what they are really not. We'll explore how to tell the difference between a boundary and a barrier, how to find the ones that are right for you and how to express them with loving strength, not power and control. If you've ever struggled to set a boundary or to honor someone else's boundary, this conversation might just change everything. So let's get into it. Hey, thank you for coming.

Welcome to the love Shack.

I want to start by talking about the realities of relationships, because relationships are a literal co creation. What does that mean? It means a little bit of me mixed with a little bit of you creates us. And so there is very much a cause and an effect that happens there that we tend to, in our own narratives and our own perspectives, dismiss and diminish, criticize, belittle. We don't realize that it really is more like chemistry than it is who did what. Little bit of me plus a little bit of you creates the little bit of us. It truly is a co creation. And so the way I show up very much affects the way that you show up. And the way you show up very much affects the way I show up. And because There is nothing physical or tangible that we can point to in the space about this co creation. We tend to get lost in who did what, the behavior of it all, without realizing, I'm probably doing the very same thing that you're doing, and you're probably doing the very same thing that I'm doing. But the experience that we're having of it greatly is different. And I'm struggling with how it affects me, and so are you. And I get lost in how it affects me. And not necessarily that I'm doing this part, you're doing that part. It becomes very convoluted in order to see our way through that. Okay, to help us with this, I want to talk about some physical boundaries. Because physical boundaries help us go, yeah, that makes so much more sense because there's a physical, tangible thing to it. We can wrap our head around something that we can see and measure and, and test and quantify. What becomes more challenging for us as human beings is to be able to track something that moves fast, is invisible. Shape shifts and time travels, which is the emotional experiences of being a human being. And yet whether we can track it, whether it's physical or invisible, intangible, it still has incredible impact on our lives. And we diminish the impact in the invisible and tangible. And we point to the physical as evidence that I'm doing it wrong, you're doing it wrong, et cetera, which just kind of completely mires us in this whole very convoluted experience of where I end and you begin. So let's talk about physical boundaries for a minute because they're going to help us make sense of the emotional boundaries. Okay. If, for example, we were to put our hands together, that would be the boundary. It's very easy to see where my hand ends and yours begins. Like, we wouldn't even fight about that because it's so obvious, because we can observe it, we can see it. If we were to talk about the wall that divides the room, we could agree that I'm touching the wall. The wall exists. We might argue about the color of the wall. Nonetheless, that would be a very subjective thing. But the wall itself, we can go, yep, that's a wall. It's a boundary between this room and the next. Got it. This is the door to the internal of our house and the external of our house.

I always like the one. If you were standing in, let's say, the grocery line and someone inadvertently stepped on your toes that was in front of you, it probably wouldn't take you very long to Say, gosh, excuse me. Would you mind stepping, you know, stepping off of my foot?

Oh, my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

How long do we let people stand on our emotional toes? You know, days, weeks, months, years, lifetimes, without saying a darn thing, Even though the pain is very real and we know that it's not, but we try and endure it without saying, excuse me. That really doesn't work for me. You're hurting me. This doesn't work for me. Just like I would say I'm standing on my toe. And you know what's interesting about the stand on my toe analogy in the physical boundary world is if I were to do it a second or a third time, I would be embarrassed.

Oh, yes.

And I would become super observant.

You would be, like, literally saying it ever to say, oh, God, there's a lady who tiptoes around the cashier lines because she's so afraid to step on. Literally. I mean, that's true. She's so concerned because she inadvertently did it a couple times in a row.

And then we contemplate what is an emotional boundary. So physical boundaries, they make sense. We can be very clear. We can be very boisterous about, and we can be, you know, very aware. Very clear. We can advocate for those physical boundaries.

Well, I would say it doesn't take us long to understand that boundary. Right. I mean, like, dude or ma', am, you just stepped on my toe.

And if we had a whole lot of, like, groceries that somebody needed to carry around, we would be very mindful and more aware that you carried in 19 and I carried in three or I didn't carry in any. So then I would try and help and support somewhere else because I could see what's actually happening.

There was an imbalance there.

Yeah. So I'll do the dishes, or you cooked, and I'll do the. You know, there's.

When we chip now. No, I'm just kidding. Stacy's incredible. We're a great team. Go ahead.

Yeah. So when it comes to emotional boundaries of where I end and you begin, we tend to take responsibility for things that don't really belong to us. I'm either absolving all the blame for what's happened here because I can't track it. There's no physical evidence about what's happening, or we tend to kick the can down the road and minimize the impact of it because there's no physical, tangible evidence of what's actually happening. There's no dishes in the sink that are getting messier and stinkier every day. There's no groceries to actually deal with or problems to solve because we can't see them. But nonetheless, we know and understand that these things are very real and these things have very real impact on our relationships. It's interesting that we tend to focus on the physical without realizing that all of this physical is built on a very emotional foundation that if it gets compromised and impacted will blow all of the physical sky high. Like it will decimate it. Because at some point in time I will no longer be able to bear the emotional intangible and I'm going to literally choose into blowing all the physical stuff up. It is built on a very emotional intangible foundation that when it becomes impacted to such a high degree, I'll be willing to sacrifice all the physical that I've built on top of it. And we see it all the time in our work. I've been there and done that myself. The emotional compromise will become so great, the impact will become so great that I will blow up whatever physical I need to in order to regain some kind of an emotional foundation for myself or for us.

Yet. And correct me if I'm wrong, we very rarely will do that in a purely physical boundary infraction like go back to the standing in the grocery line. We wouldn't just sit there for, you know, extended period of time while the person inadvertently stepped on our foot and not say anything. Right. I mean, so it's interesting that we won't let that go too. I mean, yes, I'm sure all of us, maybe we let something medical go longer, but by and large throw the outlier out in the physical world. It won't take us very long to say that's not working. But yet, emotionally, we will let that thing build until a Mount St. Helens happens.

And you'll sacrifice everything else. We take responsibility for others sense of emotional well being. We disregard others to protect ourselves. And this is all intangible and visible, but nonetheless has real impact. And this creates an experience of what I call compassionate cruelty. Wow.

Which then passionate cruelty.

Because I think I'm. I'm. The thing that motivates it is this compassionate, like sweetheart message that I'm just not going to say anything to avoid conflict or hurt your feelings or if I were to really tell you what I thought and felt, you know, it would hurt you, it dismantle you, it would create all of this drama. It's not a safe place. And so out of a compassionate place, I create this cruel place that we live in because then it tips us over into living in pretend and illusion. And we don't have the ability to say what really needs to be said and actually to solve anything or go anywhere different.

Think that it's what's modeled to us. It's what the people who you see who have been married for 40 years, they do it. It's what our parents do. It's how we get past fights with our friends. It's the way that we think we're supposed to handle conflict. And when you really break it down the way that you've described it, it is cruel. Because if you're withholding the information that could help your partner better understand you know how to treat you better, know what your triggers are, but we just don't have the tools we need to bring those up. So we think it's better stay quiet. We were actually just talking about this before the podcast started that when you do that, that's where you get into these places where you think you can stay silent forever, but then once you get triggered that last time, you can't. And it all comes out. And it comes out in a way that you would never want to say it in the first place. That's when you become loudly cruel because your boundaries have been crossed so many times, but you've stayed silent too many times. It's really cruel to you and to your partner or anyone that you're in a relationship with. It doesn't do either of you any good except kick the can down the road until it can't be kicked anymore. And then what you're left with is really shitty because then you have so much more mess to clean up.

You know about the cruel aspect that's set up because I don't want to be a burden to anybody. So you won't disclose it. You won't speak up. And the person is wringing their hands and trying to figure out how to love you and how to support you and what it is you need. We don't think about that as a cruel thing. We think about that is a life giving I'll sacrifice everything I am for you thing. And yet it is exceptionally cruel because it puts the other person in a place where they're juggling a thousand different things and trying to assume and living in this world of anxiety and worry and feeling less than because they can't figure out how to knock it out of the park for you. And the reality is you just won't share with us what it is you need in order for them to be successful in loving you. And that's why I call it compassionate cruelty. And it leaves us in a place where not only are we living in pretend and illusion, but we're blaming ourselves or each other for our suffering that is really being imposed upon ourselves. Because I won't speak up, I won't advocate for myself or I don't know, I won't say what needs to be said. And I won't allow you to be able to say what it is you need to say so that we can go somewhere different. We can create a new strategy or a plan or a new pursuit or change our behaviors. There's a. It absolutely makes it impossible to solve life's challenges. So you know what's interesting? In the world of boundaries, we create more boundaries. We get so frustrated in trying to protect ourselves or so frustrated in trying to push what it is I need without asking for it and a whole host of other skills that I actually create more boundaries, which literally creates more fences.

So give us an example of what that might look like or sound like where we will create more boundaries when we just really need to be able to share really what's going on with each of us.

I'll say, don't you ever say that again. Don't you ever do that again. That is enough. I will never tolerate this. And then because there's no understanding or sharing or perspective that's shared in regards to how we're going to co create differently, you know what's going to happen, right? It's going to happen again. And then that boundary actually becomes something more. Now it's don't say that again and don't do that again and don't come home like that again and don't smell like that again and don't have that look on your face anymore and don't breathe like that.

And so the box gets smaller.

Box gets smaller and smaller and smaller. Because I'm real, I'm thinking in my logic that I've got to create more boundaries in order to keep myself from feeling these uncomfortable feelings that I don't want to feel.

Yeah, I was just going to say, I think we've gotten confused about what boundaries are. It's not so that you never feel triggered again or that you can have like a white padded room of a perfect relationship where you're just going to be living in bliss forever. That really is what keeps us from being able to share how we feel or talk openly and honestly by having all of those boundaries. You can't have a happy and healthy relationship if the space with which you're allowed to express yourself is tiny, just like Mom 2 described. That keeps us really emotionally constipated because nothing is safe to say. But I think all this talk about boundaries has gotten us confused that that is what we're supposed to do, and it's not at all. I would say it's better to have less so that you. Because really, like the trigger thing. I think people are so confused about that. The triggers are not so that you can change everyone else's behavior. It's so that you can deal with them inside of yourself, so that it makes it easier for you to be you, not so that everyone else has to cater to your triggers. It's that you know how to deal with them and manage, manage them and make them not so big anymore.

Well, the principle is, if you're the one feeling it, that it's a message for you. It's something that you've got to look at and manage and understand. And the only thing that somebody outside of you can give you is support they can contribute to if they're willing to the easing of your own struggle and your own triggers. But we're never going to get all of our triggers handled and managed. I think that's also a misnomer. Like, if we were to talk about mental or relational health, it would be being able to feel the difficult feelings, and then knowing how to manage and navigate through them would be an example of that. They won't ever happen again, I would.

Say, you know, in the fairy tale land, what is it, baby, you say when people, you know, come start working with you or us or whatever? Well, we never have had a terse word ever before. What? And what do you say?

Oh, that's a problem.

That's a problem. I mean, as Disneyland as that sounds. Please, dear listener, I mean, even Stacey and I, I mean, heaven's sakes, sometimes I gotta show her who's boss. You guys know that. No, I'm just kidding. I'm having some fun.

But I mean, we.

Come on, man. I get. We get triggered, unbelievably so, but it's the ability to move through it quickly. Remember, get back to the good stuff. That's why you're together. It's not that you're not gonna ever have triggers again. That's not realistic. We're living in the most triggered time any of us, least here in the United States and probably, to be fair, in the world, have ever been in. So we need to, like, really skill up. Life in every regard has never been like it is now and moving at a pace we've never seen. And guess what don't mean to meet everything, read and understand. It's going to get faster and it get more unpredictable. So we need to skill up so we have a chance to not just turn into a babbling hot mess.

And we think that throwing up all of these very rigid boundaries. And I want you to think about what we know and understand to be true about boundaries. They're rigid, they're hard lines, they're inflexible and they're non negotiable. The more rigid I get, the more alone and lonely I'm going to feel. The more rigid I get, the more I create an emotional prison for myself. Not one of exploration, collaboration, curiosity, a sharing of perspectives, of needs, of wants, of creating something new and different. So boundaries very much in the way we hold them. I don't even like the word boundary, to be honest with you. Every time I see the word boundary I think it's just where I end and you begin. That's all it is. That's all a boundary is. Because a boundary is such a word that is thrown around and the connotation is that I must cut somebody off and it must be non negotiable and it's never to change. And don't you dare even think about crossing it. That is disrespectful, unthinkable and unkind. How dare you. And I want you to realize in all that I've just said how punitive a boundary is. And so it's become this idea of perpetual control, protection, fear, myself keeping. Yeah, is this place where I need to do that? And so right out of the gate here, I'm just going to say, I want to encourage you to think of a boundary more like a garage door. Because every day in regards to where I end and you begin, it's constantly changing because I am constantly changing and the people that I love, you know, the people around me are constantly changing. And so there is nothing about that. That is a set it and forget it kind of deal. So you can start to see where the rigidity in regards to how we hold boundaries is really a misnomer.

Well, you're going to fail if there's no fluidity in that. I mean, think about this is why you hear so much like I can't draw a boundary. Yeah, you can. You're thinking that once you set or you never can have any fluidity to it. Well, heaven's sakes, how is that anything like life itself to be Fair.

If everything we asked for and everything we set had right now added to the end of it, it would solve a lot of our rigidity problems. I'm not feeling like I can have this conversation right now. Please don't talk to me like that right now. Please give me some time right now. Like, if we just added right now to everything that it was we were disclosing and trying to throw down as this rigid boundary, it would give us the ability to use our garage door with more flexibility. Because I can adjust it tomorrow. Tomorrow I might have a lot more emotional capacity than I have today. Today, right now, it's very limited. I might be in a better place.

I'm not able to have this conversation with you right now. I'm just not able to have it.

With you right now.

Yeah, because then if you don't say that or if you try to make these things, like, permanent changes, it makes your partner less likely to want to talk with you about things because they're so scared of crossing your long list of boundaries. You know, like, they don't want to seem like a fool, like, oh, God, I forgot that again. Or, you know, this is getting too close to that thing that really. It makes them mad every time. It makes you unapproachable.

The more boundaries that we tend to lay down because of this ability to try and minimize our triggers, the more somebody else can't track it.

Exactly. Like, it's too much to keep the inventory.

It's going to be an inevitable setup for disaster because. Not because I don't care about you, but I do have my own emotional bandwidth to consider. So if I'm emotionally struggling myself, do you think that I remember any of your boundaries when I'm struggling to figure out myself?

Oftentimes this should be wonderful news. Oftentimes it's simply a capacity issue, either with you or your receiver of who you're sharing this with. It's not that they don't like you or they don't love you. Who among us? Like, somebody like, look, I'm tapped out. I can't. Like, there's nothing else I can take in right now. I mean, it's just how life is now. Better to disclose that. Like, so they're back. I'm not able to have this conversation.

With you right now doesn't mean never, but now.

Okay, no problem. Good. It's a capacity issue. We're all at capacity pretty much anyway. This is why we freaking fly off the handle. But we don't have the ability or the understanding realize we can share that. I know this is important for you, but I just can't have this conversation.

With you right now.

I kind of already said this, but when we have all of these boundaries or lines that we can't cross because then we think it's a betrayal of our partner, or I've told them that they can't do that anymore, and then we do it, the partner does it, and then you make a big deal about it. It not only makes you feel bad that your partner crossed the boundary that you had, but it makes your partner feel like a failure. You know, there's all these little landmines that you've set up, and you're relying on them to have an immaculate memory of all the landmines you've placed. And when they accidentally forget something, it's probably just like what my parents said. It's a capacity issue. Or they simply were focused too much on their own boundaries or, you know, it's any of those things. It's never that they. They don't care about you or that they're purposely triggering you or that they're purposely stepping on the thing that you said, don't step on them again. It's too much. Otherwise. You need to, like, go through the list of boundaries before you have a difficult conversation. That's what's necessary for there to be no mistakes. I just think we take this stuff so seriously, and then we use it as evidence that you don't care and that you just want to be a dick. Or that my boundaries aren't important enough for you to keep track of. When none of that is true at all. It's just. It's made it too difficult, you know?

And then, you know what? We're told? You need better boundaries.

Yeah.

You know how we interpret that? You need more boundaries, more rules.

I walk around, like, in a Kevlar box and like, no one gonna f with me, baby. I got a Kevlar box around me.

We've just. It's like, we've tried to make it as difficult as possible to keep ourselves safe and have everything set up perfectly, but then when we mess up, which we will because we're mess making machines, there's no system in place to navigate that, you know, it just. Once the mess up happens, it's over. You cross the boundary, it's over. This conversation is done, you idiot.

And then that puts our relationships living in a perpetual state of emotional survival mode, and our nervous systems become exceptionally exhausted from trying to even remember what my own damn boundaries are at this point in time, I'm tired of setting them. It's not working. I'm in a prison. I can't move anywhere. I say anything. I can't do anything. And we all just kind of feel like we're failures about this. And this is where if there were a physical expression of what is invisible, you would start to see the accumulation of mess, like those dishes and trash and stuff that we would see piling up. And it starts to smell awful and terrible. And somebody goes, man, we gotta address this. Like, this is not working. I'll take out the dish, you know, stuff. I'll start handling that. You take out the trash, man. And. But we don't. We don't do that. We just keep stacking on it and adding to. To it. And then we might even get so frustrated that we decide to open up the fridge door and then throw everything out of the fridge onto the floor as well, just because I'm so effing frustrated about what's going on. So I'm just adding more, dismantling and justifying to the mix because it doesn't feel good to consistently have our emotional boundaries crossed. So literally, the awareness and disclosure of where I end and you begin, this is what a boundary is. And I'm going to say that again just so we can pause for a minute and you can literally take that in. The awareness and disclosure of where I end and you begin is what a boundary is.

Can you put that into a relationship scenario where someone is having a fight with their partner and they have the realization, oh, this is where I end and you begin. What does that look like?

And just stacking it, you can tell Brooke and I are related. You know, we put our hands together. So what would be the equivalent? Like Brooke just said, how the heck am I supposed to be able to put that into the invisible shit show that I got going on?

Anytime I talk about somebody else, I'm talking about how they feel, what they think, what they do, what they didn't do. I am crossing an emotional boundary. You have no business speaking about something outside of yourself. Because you don't know. Every time I say, I know what you're thinking, I know why you did that. You're crossing an emotional boundary.

Or how about because you did this, I feel like this. Would that be crossing it?

No, not really.

Because I feel like this because you did this is actually disclosing what you did on the other side. That hurt me. But if I say, I know why you did this. How dare you. Right?

Or I know exactly what you're thinking right now. You're saying this, but you actually mean this. This.

Don't lie to me. That's not how you really feel. I know you're upset. You're speaking for somebody else. So anytime I find myself as a human being speaking from somebody else, I'm putting words in their mouth. I'm stating how they think, how they feel. I'm crossing an emotional boundary. I can ask them about that. But to declare and to think that I know is egregious. How about I tell you a little story that would help bring this all to light and then we can have a conversation about it? This is a story about Emma and Jake. And Emma always knew what she wanted. She had thoughts, opinions, preferences. She could share with you exactly how she liked her coffee, what kind of music made her want to dance, and what she needed to feel loved and appreciated. Jake, on the other hand, was the easygoing type, always agreeable, always present and smiling and consistently saying, whatever makes you happy, babe. Whatever you need, I'm all about it. At first, Emma loved this about him. It felt spacious, generous, even romantic. But over time, that all began to feel like a fog she couldn't see through. Every date night turned into a guessing game. Every decision felt like it invited onto her on her very shoulders, a burden. She'd ask, what do you feel like doing? And he'd shrug, you choose. So she did, again and again. And she chose the restaurant. She planned the vacations. She decided when they would have sex, when they had guests over for dinner, when they had hard conversations. She held the steering wheel of the relationship and grew to feel, as a result, very unwanted and uncared for. She started to wonder if Jake himself even cared about her whatsoever. And all of a sudden, she was feeling very single with none of the benefits. How does that happen when you have and you're in a relationship with somebody who says, babe, whatever you want, do it your own way. He grew very quiet, very distant, resentful in a way that never came out directly, just very passively, like sighs, comments, late nights on his phone instead of coming to bed. When Emma finally asked, are you happy, Jake? Are you happy with what's happening? With a hint of sarcasm, he would look her in the eye and say, I'm happy when you're happy, babe. And then he would return his attention to his phone. So she knew she wasn't happy, and he knew he wasn't either. But we're not talking about it. We're not talking about any of the individual Places of where I end and you begin. Nobody is disclosing what's working and not working, what they need or don't need, where they're willing to go, where they can contribute and what it is they would like to co create together. Because here's why. When you disregard yourself in a relationship, someone else is forced to carry the weight for both of you to keep the whole thing going, to keep the co creation in motion. And when one partner is left guessing in an effort to figure it all out because there's no input coming from the other, well, you can understand that they're never going to be successful with this because the person who is being triggered, who is feeling unsatisfied, is not willing to disclose that the other person is never going to be able to understand or know the recipe to knock it out of the park. And they're always going to feel like the goal post is changing from one place to the other. So how are we ever going to be successful with that? And yet the words that keep coming back is do your thing. That's what makes you happy. Everything's fine. So one partner is left guessing in an effort to figure it out while the other stays silent and resentful. This is why it doesn't feel like love, it feels like control. One person is constantly calling the shots while the other one constantly bows out the back thinking that they're doing a great thing. But then more and more and more they feel controlled over the long haul and angry and resentful because they're not disclosing and aware of where I end and you begin. They're not contributing anything into where I end and you begin. So there's no clarity and understanding whatsoever. That's the pretend and illusion I talked about earlier. And look, it's not because the verbal partner is controlling, but because there's only one person showing up truly in the relationship. Disclosing what works and what doesn't work. One partner swallows their needs, wants and desires to avoid conflict. And the other drowns under the pressure of trying to figure it all out and getting it right for both of them. It's an exhausting experience where there are no winners, just exhaustion and a life melting into pretend and illusion as they attempt to hang on to what used to be. You know, what sits between them actually is a ghost. Not of someone who died, but of who they used to be. It haunts every touch, every silence, because it reminds them each and every moment of each and every day of the closeness that used to live between them. But is no longer there. So please hear me. When we don't speak up, when we say yes to things we don't want or stay silent out of avoiding conflict or not wanting to hurt somebody's feelings, we're not keeping the peace. We are not keeping the relationship alive. What's actually happening is we are eroding the connection that used to be. As we pretend that everything is fine, we are burying our needs under the illusion of connection. But this is an illusion, remember? And it always, always will eventually crack. Because real intimacy isn't built by pleasing each other or ignoring what needs to be explored and understood through the avoidance of conflict. It's built by revealing to each other what you're willing and not willing to do. It's messy. It's brave. It requires us to know ourselves and then let ourselves be known by another. We teach each other how to love each other best each and every day that we are alive and have the gift of being alive on planet Earth. If we stay hidden, we're not sparing our partner pain. We're actually avoiding ourselves and the vulnerability of being seen and loved by another. The next time that you think it's fine, I don't mind. It's no big deal. I want to invite you to pause and think about where you end and your partner begins. Ask yourself questions such as, what do I really want right now? What is it that doesn't work for me? What am I willing to give? Where am I needing to step back out of illusion and back into sharing myself with you once again? And if I don't feel safe, then say so so that we can address that too. Because someone who loves you can't choose you if you never allow them to see and experience you. You're living and pretend an illusion. So let's talk about some real common places. You asked for more, but here let's briefly just go before we end the podcast, some really common places that consistently show up time over time about where we still can egregiously violate where I end and you begin and the invisible. It's very easy to do. We're all likely to do it, but we need to become more aware of that for ourselves so that we can have better conversations around it. So common, real places of impact of where I end and you begin, and the emotional and mental places are being told your feelings are too much or invalid. It's crossing an emotional boundary. This didn't happen. I'm dismissing your experience. When we're in an experience, you might take something, I might take Something, it's going to be different. Probably nine times out of 10, that's violating a boundary.

Can I say one that happened to me this weekend? Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit right now? I said, no, I'm reacting exactly as I feels appropriate. Like, I think, I think that we say that we. Everyone says that a lot because you are judging someone in the way that you would react. But we have to remember everyone has their own experience and feelings about what's going on.

You know, a very consistent one in this place is constantly being interrupted or spoken over. Somebody says something, you go, ah, ah, ah. It's like, I gotta correct the narrative to match mine. I can't even allow you to have your own perspective of the situation. That's crossing where I end and you begin. That's a boundary. And if we hold that boundary context and not a hard rigid line, but where I end and you begin, this can start to make a lot more sense and we can dance with it a lot easier. How about this one? Being pressured to share thoughts and feelings before you're ready. We're talking about this right now. I'm not ready to do that right now. Here's when I think I can be right. Otherwise you're crossing where I end and you begin.

I have a question about that though, because I feel like you could turn that around and say, well, like they're, they're crossing my boundary by not speaking about it right now because I'm ready to.

Well, that's great. A bravo, you're ready. But if somebody isn't ready to meet you there, you know, then it's not time. You don't get to make a choice for somebody else. You only get to make a choice for yourself. So I love that you're disclosing. You're ready. That's awesome. Let me know when you are so that we can have this conversation. Conversation. And by the way, is there something that I could do or say or reassure you of that would help you come easily to the conversation so that you feel safe and better? Because often as we know, we'll say, no, no, no, tell me anything. And then when you finally lay the truth on the table in where I end and you begin, we lose our shit. And somebody's gonna go, yeah, see, I'm not telling you that ever again. We've said I prefer to live in a pretend and illusion instead of solve the problems that we're both facing. And what we don't realize and know is that impact over time, like I said, will eventually crack the illusion.

Yeah. I mean, I think it's important to remember that even though these are invisible and you can understand where you end and someone else begins, still doesn't mean that you can't have strategies and skills and more importantly, be able to implement them for success. So just. Because if they're invisible, I'm just going to plow through there like a, you know, a truck.

No, but it'll have impact just like.

It would be if you did.

Building.

Yeah. I mean, so the same principles apply.

They do.

So there's not a separate category here. Yeah. You may be ready, as Brooke said, but what. I'm not ready. And so we need to come to an understanding of how we can broker this difference and set it up for success.

How about communication boundaries and visible places on this? We could.

Good.

I'm just going to go through a brief view. Being expected to respond to texts and calls immediately or else. Who put you in charge? I give you my time and attention. It is a gift. It can't be demanded. That's a violation of where I end and you begin. Having private conversations or sharing information without my consent about us. That is where I end and you begin. That is a violation. That is going to be a problem being shut down when you ask for space or time to think and taking it very personal. Look, this isn't about you right now. I don't have the capacity to engage. I'm sorry you're struggling, but I don't have the ability to help you right here. We forget that just because we're lovers does not entitle us to somebody else's time and attention. That is something that is a gift that we freely give to the people we love. And when I can't give it, that needs to be honored. Just because I love you or we're married or we're in this together does not entitle you to something that I generously give.

But we promise to the end in our day of celebration.

I'm going to speak for anxious people right now. I think when our partners say, I can't give you that time and attention. Anxious people don't typically see it as a person simply stating where they are or asking for some more time. We see it as, oh, my God, you don't love me anymore. You hate me, you want to break up with me. This relationship. Relationship isn't going well. Like, we immediately go to the worst case scenario. And that makes it even harder for our partners who asked for more time because now they feel like they have to, they don't get the time they asked for. Now they have to reassure us and make us feel better and build us back up to equilibrium. It's a nightmare.

Do you see how that extracts the emotional capacity out of a person who wasn't willing to in the first place?

Yes.

Well, I would say that remember this, one of the main foundational things we talk about often is that incredible ability for us to emotionally regulate ourselves. I mean, that's really crucial.

Well, in that anxiety position, what would be really life giving to everybody for us to honor the request that I really want to show up and be present for you. So just give me a few minutes and the other person to do the emotional. Everybody's doing an emotional push up, the.

Anxious person to say, okay, I can give that to you and in the meantime I'm going to take care of myself.

Exactly. And this doesn't mean any of the thing that I'm freaking out about, like I can suspend that. That would help us become more healthy in the co creation and everybody's going to have to do an emotional pushup to do it. Because here's what'll happen with the person who's trying to support their anxious partner. I want to give you that, I want to be able to reassure you that. And I will until I run out of emotional gas myself. And when I run out of emotional gas, then it's going to start to become a problem because I'm going to get angry and resentful that I can't just take these few minutes to refuel myself and then I promise I'm going come back and love you as I always have. And the more that that gets given into, the more the anxious person relies on it to emotionally regulate themselves. And so you can start to see where it becomes a place where we can all do an emotional push up or an unhealthy race to the bottom. As much as you try and coerce an entitled child with physical things, giving them more is never the answer. It's going to make them more entitled and then that's how they're going to start to operate in feeling significant and important and valuable in their own lives. So the more I give into it, the more it feeds the monster, so to speak. It would be just the opposite if I was going to do the kind thing for all of us to cut them off. That's why I call it compassionate cruelty. I don't understand how I'm setting it up to create suffering for us all at the End of the day, say, how about the emotional like, capacity part, the labor of carrying all this. If I'm the emotional manager of the relationship, then you're always the one initiating repair, reading the mood, diffusing conflict, reassuring everything so that we can stay connected. Your partner is the one who refuses to take responsibility, so you absorb all the blame. You can only do this for so long. You become the fixer in this scenario and you're going to run out of emotional gas. It's just a matter of time. Do you need more alone time? But you're ignored or shamed for it. You might hear things like, why do you always want to be alone? Do you even want to be with me? Like, what's going on now? What did I do wrong? Nothing. I just need to go for a walk and get. Get complete and clear about my own experience and my own thoughts and places. How about this? Your belongings are always touched, borrowed, moved without asking. That's going to be a place of where I end and you begin. And the last one I'm going to talk about very briefly is sexual boundaries. Being pressured into physical intimacy out of guilt, obligation, or fear and conflict, that is never going to go away. Well, that is a violation of where I end and you begin. I might say things like, if you loved me, you would. Consent is just not a one time yes. It's an ongoing thing. And we could say that about any of the things we've touched on. Consent is that my garage door is constantly being reworked. Right? I'm here, I want to do this, I'd like to share this, I'd like to go there. Those are all really great things. But when we hear things on the other side like, I'm not ready right now, I can't do this right now. I can't show up very well right now. We need to honor those things. And please don't tell me how I think, and please don't tell me how I feel, and please don't tell me what I need and how to fix this. Those are all things that I need to figure out on my own because I'm the only one who knows those answers. And so when we violate those places and spaces, you can start to see all of the breakdown that happens in that compassionate cruelty as we engage in pretend and illusion and the race to the bottom.

Bottom.

Disregarding your no or making jokes about it or feeling guilty or shameful about a no is absolutely going to take you into that race to the bottom. And so you can start to see where boundaries are A big deal. They're a great thing to consider and be aware of, but the way in which we govern ourselves around it and hold it and express it and use it takes us right into the shit show go. It absolutely doesn't help us become better at disclosing where I end and you begin. Because when I do that, it's not a place of trying to be powerful or in control or in charge. It's actually what I call a place of loving strength, where I say a no for myself. I understand where you're coming from. I just can't do that right now. Or I need to let you know, because I love and care about us, that when these things are said and done, it impacts me in such a way that I do this instead. And I think that's exactly what it is. It's a sharing, it's a disclosure. And it's vulnerable. And it's kind and sweet and compassionate, but strong because of the vulnerability place. That's why I say vulnerability is your superpower. Nobody can take that away from you because you're literally sharing what's true for you and what isn't. My eyes are green. Nobody can refute that. My hair is red, nobody can refute that. That that hurts my feelings, nobody can refute that. I need this in order to let this go. Nobody can refute that. So vulnerability and that disclosure of myself, that awareness and disclosure of myself is the awareness of where I end and you begin. And it is 100% missing from the majority of our relationships. And so the majority of us feel very unsatisfied and very unsettled as a result of them. And so we've given you a lot to contemplate here. We teach a lot of skills around this, the garage door analogy, how to plant your flag, how to step into an ask, how to advocate for yourself, and also how to emotionally regulate these places. When you might hear some things from your partner that are really difficult for you to absolve. But here's the question I have for you. You. Do you want to know and understand your partner and what makes them tick, or do you want to force them to comply in your illusion and your version of them? That's a difficult one, but an important one to ask yourself. If anything that I've said here today has resonated with you, I want you to know this is what we do. We don't talk about boundaries like we commonly hear about boundaries being talked about, because the way we commonly talk about boundaries doesn't work well.

And I would Say most importantly, the real benchmark here is to be able to implement that and use this in your life and in your relationship. And to be fair, when we're triggered and usually our special someone has the ability to hit us 100% bullseye point to trigger us like incredibly fast, that's kind of the Super Bowl. It's not kind of. That is a Super Bowl. So meaning to be able to implement this when we are really a hot freaking mess takes a lot of practice. It doesn't make you, you any less of a person that you aren't able to implement it now. Because to be fair, how much time has have you spent getting better at this? Most of us, like hardly ever or none. Just because I just did what my dad did or my mother did or my uncle, my grandfather, what whomever. Well, everybody knows, everybody knows that this is what you.

I with you long enough. Oh, don't tell me.

There's just a lot of rather very bad information out there and behaviors more importantly. And so, so yeah, this is really what we pride ourselves because I always remind people when I'm talking to them in a clarity call. The benchmark for us as a family and a body of work is if we can't help you show up better with your behavior, then we haven't helped you. Because behavior is the gold standard. It is. And changing our behavior is difficult. It's a challenge. It takes a lot of, as Stacy says, emotional pushups practice just no different than if you have a physical disability. So that's the good news. It's available for any of us. But I do think there's a disconnect as to what's required. It's more than just you having that connection with that special somehow knowing where.

AI end and you begin creates better behavior, not better battles, not more battles. Right. And that's the difference between using boundaries as a punishment. Control. Right. To push an agenda or to protect myself and actually co creating with another person. Because here's the thing. Boundaries are going to help you reclaim your voice, protect your energy and reconnect you with your partner. And so if you want to go deeper on these things, I'm going to invite you to check out and connect with me@stacybartley.com we have several things to help you do that. Use this time to find your own boundaries, your own voice, your own place, your own truth, learn your own recipe so that you can actually explore that with your partner through the place and space of separation. If you're trying to save your marriage. Oh my Goodness, it is more needed now than ever. We have probably been living in illusion and pretend for a very long time time violating boundaries. Not just your partner, but you too. What is that cause and effect that is causing all of the breakdown on the race to the bottom to happen? And if you're single and you're wanting to do better because you don't want to repeat these patterns and violations of where I end and you begin, well, now is a really great time to skill up. So boundaries aren't walls to keep people out. They're bridges to deeper connection built on self respect and truth of self. And another that is really important. In fact, so important. I'm going it again. Boundaries aren't walls to keep people out. They're bridges to deeper connection built on self respect and truth for myself and others. That's what a boundary is, where I end and you begin. So I'm going to encourage you to keep flexing your emotional muscles and do something. You can do that in many paths with us. And again, you can explore all those paths and possibilities by going to Stacey Tracy Bartley. And by the way, if you're a podcast listener, which you are because you're here with me today, you can also receive 15% off by using code LOVE SHAQ.

15. That was good. That was like a choir.

So today for our follow the fun, I'm going to ask you to play a little game of truth or dare with yourself. Because discovering your boundaries, where you end and others begin is the real thrill of life. Life. I want you to notice what comes up for you in your body when I ask you the following questions. And I want you to say yes, no, not sure or not now. So those are your three options. Truth or dare. Where do you go? This is a hard yes, a hard no, or not now, number one. And by the way, don't think too hard about this. I want you to just go where you go and let your. Your body, your thoughts, your feelings and emotions show you the way. But declare something. That's where you end and somebody else begins. Like yes, no, not now. You know, declare it to. I want to give someone a very long hug right now. So much so that when they squirm to get away, I'm going to hold them tight. Yes, no, not now. I'm going to work late right now to please someone or to look good in someone's eyes. Yes. No, not now. I'm going to tell someone how I really feel when I become disappointed. Yes, no, not now. I'm going to spend a weekend. This weekend, perhaps completely alone and by myself. Yes. No, not now. I'm going to step in and ask for what it is I really want. Like, I'm really going for it. I'm going all the way. I'm going 100%. In regards to having sex with you this weekend? Yes. No, not now. I'm gonna say no and I'm not gonna explain why. Yes. No, not now. Now that you know your answers for yourself, will you disclose them to others? Because this indeed is where I end and you begin. The song that we've chosen for today's episode is Brave by Sara Bareilles. Love this song because it is so brave for us to acknowledge and disclose where I end and you begin. The song says, say what you want to say and let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave. And I would think that that is what is inside of each and every one of us. The soul, the self, the intelligence, the beings that we are are saying those exact things to ourselves. Say what you want to say. Come on, let the words fall out. I want to see you be so brave. Because I matter. I count. I'm important. I can contribute, I can disclose. I can do these things. And the better I get at this, the better it is. I can co create with another person. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website podcast page or searching us up on Spotify Love Shack Live playlist.

I just found this quote as we were doing this podcast. And emotional regulation is at kind of the root of every skill in relationships, but especially being able to share how you feel without blowing up or making your partner feel bad. It's essential. And this quote just came up on my Instagram that says teaching people how to regulate their emotions is crime prevention, it's addiction prevention, it's suicide prevention, it's generational healing. It's how we stop raising adults who explode, implode, or shut down at the first sign of discomfort. Emotional regulation is not just a soft skill, it's survival level. It's the foundation of a society where people can disagree without dehumanizing each other, where accountability isn't seen as an attack, and where conflict doesn't always have to mean violence. You want a better world? Start with emotional education.

100% right on, right there. We call it emotional weightlifting because that's exactly what it feels like. It's heavy. And by doing it, you're going to grow in confidence, self respect, and resiliency. It is at the heart of all that we have do here. And there's nothing better to bet good at. Because what happens when I disclose something you don't like? That's where it often turns into a.

Weapon, where I criticize you, explode, implode, or shut down.

And then I disregard where I end and you begin. And I either take all the blame or I become indignant and not involve you with myself at all anymore. You know, we go back to the garage door thing. My garage door goes from being, oh, up to completely close and I don't really care what you have to say.

About it, can stay like that for days, weeks or years. You know, lifetimes.

Absolutely lifetimes. So until next time, I invite you to be kind to yourself. Speak up and remember, love gets better as you become braver and understand where you end and someone else begins. Bye bye for now. All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack.

But before we part ways, we want.

You to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.