#230: Why Most Advice Fails When Your Partner Pulls Away (and What Actually Works)

Have you ever noticed how most relationship advice stops working the moment things get real? Like when someone you love asks for space, Every cliche tends to fall flat, and suddenly you're flooded with more questions that no podcast or book ever seems to answer. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for those standing at a relationship's crossroads, wrestling with daily conflicts, growing emotional gaps, and that panicked sense you're drifting further apart. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship mentor who's walked through these storms myself personally joined here with me is my husband, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke. Together, we help people rebuild what matters most, real connection with real principles and skills that bring back the clarity, hope, and joy Once again, today's episode is a little different. We're bringing back one of the most honest and challenging conversations we've ever had about some space in separation. Not because we ran out of ideas, but because the need is everywhere. Our inbox is full of stories from listeners who are desperate for answers beyond the rhetoric and tired cliches. People like you who want real tools for navigating the pain and confusion of separation. You'll learn why giving space can actually be the start of healing and not the end of anything. You'll also hear the traps that nearly everyone falls into. Patients, panic, overthinking, clinging, and the concrete steps that will actually help move you forward. If you've heard this episode before, I promise you'll hear something new as well. Life changes, you change. And sometimes a message finally lands right when you need it the most. Let's get practical, raw and honest about what it takes to find yourself and maybe each other when life pulls you apart. Ready to hear what most advise never covers all awesome. Because I'm ready to share it. Let's get started.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

The thing that I want to say as we begin this conversation is that pain of the difficulty at this time is an enormous motivator, which we often fail to capitalize on as we beat ourselves up or beat our partners up or both. And when we dive into understanding the pain, it will guide us to the next steps of learning and growth in our lives. When the hope of the possibility of repair comes to a close, we often lose some of the motivation to continue our learning on this expansive journey. It's like, if I can't have you and I can't work this out with you, well, then I guess we're good here. And I get it. There is a motivation that actually wanes because we will do things for love and relationships that we won't do anytime in our lives. We certainly wouldn't do it on our own. But love and the respect and the desire and the hope for having a person in our lives will cause us to reach a lot deeper than we typically would. And we don't realize often as we're going through this struggle that it really is something that we need to capitalize on. It really is a rich moment of opportunity in our lives. And yes, it too will pass if we don't take advantage of it. Today, we also want to talk about some of the misconceptions regarding the loss of self. So in regards to the pain experience, do either one of you have something that you want to add to that thought?

The whole reason why we're doing this episode is because we've had some comments on our social media lately regarding our separation bundle that say, well, does it help with this specific situation? You know, maybe being a little snarky, but also expressing the pain that they're going through and saying, how could a little download and meditation help my complicated and tragic situation? Which I get. But we've been talking about space and separation now for nine months, and I've learned a lot about it. And I know all three of us have, and we have a lot of, I would say, maybe contrarian or different beliefs and views that we like to share. Because, I mean, I could talk about this for hours, but mostly it's that when we are met with our partner asking us for space or separation, the first thing we want to do, the first thing that is human nature, is to do everything possible, like you said in the beginning of the episode, to get things back to normal. And really the thing is to just get them to come home or get them to say we're going to be together again, or get them to say everything's okay. And what we miss in that is the opportunity that you just spoke about. So we don't say, okay, what could I focus on inside of me?

Me?

What could I change? What choices do I need to make? What things do I need to think about? All of these other thoughts that you could be having, you don't even know they're possible because the only thing you're thinking about is how can I get my person home? How can I get my partner back? How can I get them to come and sit next to me like they just were here? And that's what the people in our comment section are thinking, which I'm not faulting them for, and I know why they're doing it. But the point of this episode is to show all of these other things that you can be thinking about and doing. Number one, because that is what's going to give you the biggest chance of getting your partner to come home. You know, actually growing and changing and doing the work that you probably both were not doing because you were just busy with life and muddled down and all of the problems of paying the bills and taking care of the kids and, you know, just being human. And number two, it's going to give you something to focus on so that you're not obsessing about getting your partner home, because that's where we all end up in this place. And I just thought it would be a really great conversation for us to have because it's a totally different way of going about space and separation than most people know of. Most people say, okay, what can we do to get your partner home? And we start in a totally different place. What can we do to get you feeling more at home inside of you? That's step number one.

Yeah. And I just want to say part of that, too. Brooke had mentioned, what is it? I need to learn and change and grow and understand about myself. But another question that we often don't ask in this space is, where am I doing too much? Yep. Where am I overextending and over giving? And where am I taking responsibility for things that don't belong to me? Therefore robbing a sense of development and progression and growth within the partner that's also going to break our relationships down. Sometimes we don't think about that. Sometimes it's like, I do all this for you. How come you're not happy? Right. What more do you want from me? Actually, you need to do less, not more. And we have a very difficult time deciding where those places and boundaries are. And as Brooke said, this is a space. When somebody says, I need space or I need to work on myself or I need to figure some things out, for me, that means there's some things that I don't understand about me, about you, about us, that needs to be clarified and examined. And often, instead of doing that, it then tips into the side of a lot of emotional escalation because we become afraid, because we don't know what to do, because we're spiraling in those obsessive thoughts that Brooke talked about. Yeah.

Pure panic. It's the thing where you're like, okay, my world is ending. My relationship is dissolving. It's crumbling before my eyes. And everybody knows when we're in that place, we're usually not acting as our best selves. We do some things that we maybe regret, or we're like, wow, I was kind of crazy. But it's because of that feeling that you have that panic and you're like clawing up the walls trying to reach them and nothing is working.

Or I go, eh, see, I always make mistakes here. This is what always happens with my relationships. I'm gonna blow up and get the heck out of dod. My heart is broken. Before I get hurt, I'm just gonna leave. And it's probably better anyway. Those are very common thoughts in this place of separation. And so I want us to understand that, no, this is a moment to reset or recorrect. And I love the examples of nature in this place because it shows us often corrections that happen right moment by moment, day by day, in the resetting of all kinds of things that get out of balance. And so it is in our relationships and these nuances when things have gone out of balance for a long period of time. I want you to see this as a moment and an opportunity and an ask to reset. Like, let's recalculate here. We didn't know that we were, but now we do, that we've been living in a place that maybe didn't work for me, didn't work for you. Fear is probably at the heart of it all, or our insecurities. We're not necessarily sure how to look at it or address it, but we need to. And that will give me the answers to the solutions, to the things that we need to understand and know to take us to the next best step. And that's why we say no. This is actually a new opportunity for a new chapter and a new beginning. And Brooke, something else you touched on that I just want to speak to for a moment is the work. What is the work? Let's quantify that. The work is the effort that I put into understanding myself, emotionally regulating myself, and then the ability to listen to my partner and what they are going through and where they are. And then out of those two things, to decide where it is we want to go next. And the work is a lifetime contract. The work is something that we are going to do for the rest of our lives. Why? Because it gives me the sweet spot that we all enjoy and long for and desire and love in movies and novels and songs. It's the intimacy, the deep connection of intimacy that we know is there and that we continue to grow and hone over time. And if I don't want to do the work, then I don't get the reward of doing the work. That is the mystery. It is not about you becoming the perfect person or marrying the perfect person or finding the perfect person or finding your soulmate. It's about finding somebody that you can embark on a delightful journey with that can absolutely do the work with you. And yeah, they're gonna have bad days and challenges and so are you. And it's gonna get messy and you're gonna have to reset and come back to. Ironically, this conversation that we're having today, again and again and again, when space and separation has been asked for, it just means that we've sat on this idea or didn't know how to do this for so long, and then this just seems like the only thing to be done. It's a sense of knowing that I need to come home to myself because somehow along the way I've lost my way. And I can't do that while being in co creation with somebody. And so we all say I need to work on myself. I need to come home to myself. I just need to figure a few things out. That's awesome. And everybody, even if we all are on board with that, great, then what? And we just. We kind of wait in this place of separation and there's no place or know how or thought in regards to what it is principally that's really going on and how to go about doing it.

There's two things that I feel like we simply do when we know that something is not working in our relationship, but we don't want to break up and we don't want to get a divorce, but we know something is not working. Number one, which I think a lot of people are probably doing right now as we speak, they're just gritting their teeth and saying, if I ignore it, it will just get better. You know, if we just make it through this really rough time, we'll be okay. Number two is we say what you said at the beginning of the show, I think we need some time apart to work things out. And then we just think that by taking that time but not doing anything specific when we come back together, it will be okay. So they're two versions of the same thing, but both spoiler are not going to work well.

And I want us to really hone the principle of this. The reason why it doesn't work is because we're not listening to the natural inclination, the survival of me. And what I'm saying is not that I don't want you. What I'm Saying is, I've lost me. And that's very different. Here's the thing. As a human being, I can't know what's going to work or not work if I don't understand and know me. Yes, the world really does revolve around us from our perspective, our view, our unique wants, needs, talents, strengths and weaknesses. And when I lose the pulse on that, which we all will in life, by the way, it's kind of how we learn. It's very important we learn the importance of what I'm talking about by losing it. And we will have many rounds of losing ourselves and coming back to ourselves and losing ourselves yet again. And that is a natural in and out breath of life. However, when we lose ourselves or my partner loses themselves, what you find in the reality of it all is everybody has kind of lost themselves in the relationship. And one person has finally run out of emotional gas and raised their hand and said, I. I can't do this anymore. I gotta figure some things out for myself. And most couples that I see, everybody agrees because I've lost myself too. I can finally kind of give that a voice. But then we just kind of hang out in perpetuity, hoping that it's gonna change. And then we start making up some misconceptions about separation, the likes of which we wanna touch on right now. The common idea and belief typically leads to, then if you'll just come home, then everything will be fine. If I can just get my partner home, then we can just go back to the way it was. Because having them gone, let's be honest, is different. It's contrasted. It shows me all the things I miss, all the things maybe I didn't appreciate. It shows me all the things that I now understand and do as I'm sitting with my own thoughts and emotions that maybe I didn't realize because I was in it. Some of those I don't want to face, some of those I don't want to feel. I don't know what to do and getting through that information. And so if they would just come home, then I just. I sense this is just gonna all be fine. And from this place, then we start saying and doing like Brooke touched on all kinds of crazy inventions, right? In the hopes to hook em back or coerce em back or entice them back. I. I remember one family member who was going through a space of separation and his partner would literally show up on our front porch naked in a trench coat, knocking on the door and hoping that the enticing aspect of Eroticism and her body, the sexual place in their relationship, would just bring him home. I myself, personally, you know, turned into a straight up stalker, thinking if I just drove by and he just saw me a few times, then. Then this would all be fine. He would realize that he's really missing out on a great thing. So we can conjure up all kinds of narratives in our minds without really doing the work, which is me taking a good hard look at myself, what works, what doesn't work, and then honoring the commitment that space can give us, and then finding a mentor, a teacher, a support system that can walk us through actually a process to coming home to ourselves. That's important. That's important things, because everything gets a lot easier when I'm navigating from a place of strength and understanding and knowing within me. Otherwise, everything's chaotic, everything's complex, everything's confusing, everything's a problem, everything's dramatic. Not because I'm broken, but because I don't know and understand myself. And I personally don't know what my voice sounds like or what it even is. And those are important things to understand.

I was just going to say, I've said this before. It's tough to turn and face this place we're in. But to be fair, we wouldn't be having this conversation if in fact this wasn't going on. So that's important and it's okay. We say, why did it take so long? We hear that all the time. You know, that just seems to be kind of how life goes, right? Same in medical or physical or other places where we know long before we've chosen to that we've needed to make a change. There's no more power to beat ourself up any more than the position we already find ourself in. So what we really are trying to say is, use this to the best of your ability to take this time to figure out where you are. Come back to yourself first. Because we can't do anything with anybody else until we get really clear on who we are.

You've sparked something that is really top of mind for me, even personally right now in my life. We don't get out of balance in one egregious move. It comes into our awareness after an accumulation of little teeny tiny parts and pieces that have been sliding for a while and. And when it gets to a certain place, then it comes into our awareness. And that would be relationally, physically, financially, right. These things start really small, and over time, as they accumulate, then it becomes something that I See, and I become aware of in my own life.

Used to take a lot for you to get your car into the shop before you met me.

Yes.

I mean, it would have to flat out be on the road, totally shut down.

And I am constantly reevaluating, even in my own work, Right. As we pour into people. And I love that work. And I. I'll do this work until the end of my life. But there is an inflow and an outflow, and I am constantly tweaking how to better care for myself so that I can have what it is I need to pour into our clients and pour into our work. There's an ebb and a flow there that sometimes I get out of balance. When it first initially starts, I don't see and understand that, but I can, after it gets to a certain point where it comes into my awareness, and then I can look back and go, oh, that's right. You know, me seeing 50 clients a week doesn't work. Stacy doesn't do so well when that happens. Stacy needs to reset. Stacy needs to refuel. And that happens in our relationships, not only with ourselves, but with our work and with our partners. And that's why I say work is a lifetime contract. These things shape shift and change over time. And these imbalances don't just happen. They feel like they just happen, but they're small accumulations for me, for my partner, for our relationship over time.

Yeah, I just had an awareness. So using the car analogy, so something's out of balance. We take it to the repair shop, and they say, I'll be fine. So they just give it back to you in the same shape that you took it. So asking for our partner back without any of the changes that we are constantly teaching and mentoring and sharing with you, listener, thank you for listening. Would be the same thing. Okay, here it is.

Well, wait a minute.

It didn't fix anything. It's the same thing. That would be the same as if. Yes, yes, we know you want your partner back. There's been a lot that has gotten you to this place of space and separation. So we're really are fooling ourselves if we think it's going to be just like it was before, you know, in.

Just this moment, like right now. When you brought up the car issue when you and I first came together, and the fact that I had a ton of car maintenance that I probably hadn't done in, like, like 10 years, you were saying, geez, babe, you should change this tire. And I'm like, no, no, no, it's fine. It's. It's no problem, you know, and that very day you had flown in to visit me, we drove up about three and got a flat tire. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What I'm realizing right now in this moment, that I was doing that in lots of places in my life. Like I wasn't addressing a lot of things with my beautiful children or my own sense of well being or my finances or even the business that I was running then. It was a lot of ignoring it and putting it away because I didn't have the emotional bandwidth and capacity to deal with it all. And so that's how I would start to cope is I would just kind of start pushing it off. And the car and the tire is just one little teeny tiny fractal of right.

I think that example that you just shared is profound and I hope a lot of people caught onto that because there's a lot of self shame and negative self talk that happens when your partner asks you for space, like why am I such a piece of shit? Or why didn't I see this before? Or why couldn't I have fixed this so my partner didn't have to move out? And the reason why is because you're human. Everything my parents just said, it takes a lot. I don't even have kids yet and I'm overwhelmed with life. You know, I know many of our listeners have children and they're trying to keep their marriage and they're trying to navigate their jobs and they're trying to pay all the bills and there's tons of laundry to do and mow the lawn and get the groceries and cook the dinner every night. So please don't beat yourself up about this. You know, like it's natural and it's human and there's seasons of relationships. The point I'm trying to make is that there are so many areas of our lives as adults that we try to nurture and grow and we simply cannot be experts in all of them. And when we run into these relationship problems where our partner comes to us and says, hey, this is not working, we need to take some time apart, the first thing we do is beat ourselves up in our heads and say how terrible we are. But I hope you can see that it's not just a you problem. You know, there, there are millions of people in this place, so obviously it is normal and natural for us to. To fall short in certain areas and neglect things that we know our problems just to simply get through our days.

While I think it's the Most invisible aspect of life, our emotional well being of ourselves and the emotional well being of our relationships usually gets pushed to the back burner because there's no physical evidence that requires me to address it right now. It's an easy one to push to the back burner. And, and that's one of the challenges that we face. But you know, remember, awareness is the first step, understanding. I was having a convers with a couple here recently where I was saying there has to be places where all of the daily tasks, the kids, the finances, the cooking, the trash, the yard work, the parents, all of it needs to be put on the shelf and we need to carve out a little time for ourselves. It doesn't need to be a lot of time, but it needs to be some time. And if we don't, it's just like saying, I'm going to starve for six months and then we expect it's going to be fine in six months. You're not going to be fine in six months. And that's what we do to our relational health all the time. And so then we say, I was so foolish. How come I didn't see this coming? As though you should have. And there's nothing foolish about it. You are loving and doing the very best that you know how. And the expectation is it's supposed to go well on the front side. And we don't talk about the challenges that are inevitable and the resets and the work that's associated with relationship growth. But there is like, that's normal. That would be like saying, if I'm on a healthy eating plan and I'm working out every day, I'm never going to get sick. Well, the hell you aren't. Yes, you are. It doesn't mean that what you were doing didn't matter, didn't count. It's just we're going to get sick. There's going to be times of challenge, there's going to be times where we're going to need to reset and recalculate and go again. And those are good moments to reset. And, and that's what a time of space and separation needs to be used for, is a time to reset so we can recalculate and then go again. So it's the coming home to oneself and understanding personal needs and improvements necessary in the relationship. This is the important stuff and this is what needs to be done during a time of space and separation. And we usually need some help and some mentorship and support to do that.

Why?

Because what's Happened is the loss of self in relationships. And we all do it. It's very common. It's not unique. You talk to anybody around the world in any culture, race, religion, spiritual practice, family of origin, we love to the point of overextending or over giving. We lose ourselves as individuals. We often lose ourselves by conforming to our partner's desires or attempting to stay off their emotional reactions or upsets to avoid conflict. This was a beautiful thing that I read recently that just kind of surmises what I'm trying to communicate. Birds fly, we all go. Yeah. Fish swim. Yeah, yeah, they sure do. And humans talk. And if humans can't talk, then humans lose their humanness. They lose their place, they lose themselves. We forget about who we are, we lose our way. And we can make up that it's not okay for me to talk or share for lots of different reasons. But when I lose my voice, then I lose me. Hence humans talk. If I don't talk, then I can't express myself. And so it's a time to reevaluate what makes you happy, what do you need, what works, what doesn't work. And like I've already said, what am I doing too much of? Am I taking the emotional load for the wellbeing of you, me, the kids, the relationship, the whole thing? Well, if I am, then I'm going to create some dysfunction here because what I'm not allowing is for everyone to do their own emotional pushup, regardless of their age. This is something that we don't talk a lot about or know a lot about. And if you're scratching your head going, what the hell is she talking about? Well, then it's time for us to learn some relationship principles and we get it. I have a lot of empathy here, both for our listeners and for myself, quite frankly. This was a place of empathy that I had to gift myself because I really thought I was broken at points in time in my own life where I had to remember, wait, I was never taught this stuff, right? Thank goodness. I had a really great foundation in my family of origin. I was lucky in that regard. But I still didn't understand a lot of the nuances of relational and emotional health and wellbeing and the principles and skills that govern that. And I bet you don't either. Not because you're not smart and beautiful and talented and capable, but because we've just never learned them.

Has anyone learned them? No one. I. I don't know of any place that we go to learn how to become an excellent partner. In our relationships, there's no certifications. There's no baseline level of knowledge like there is with, you know, I guess you could say high school. We all learn kind of the same stuff. Depends on the country, but you know what I'm saying, we don't learn. This is how you emotionally regulate. This is how you have a good argument. This is how you commingle your differences. This is how you show up as your best self. We don't learn that unless you make a. A point to. And another layer on that is we think if we need to learn that we're broken. No, everybody needs to learn it because we haven't. You know, so needing help and needing to learn these skills is something everybody on the earth needs to do.

It reminds me of, like, financial literacy. How many times can we feel like we're a failure with money when the reality and the truth is you just don't understand the principles of it and the nuances that govern interest, investment, and all the many complexities that are derived in that? Yeah, it's very similar. And we don't learn that in school either. I remember learning how to write a check, and I think that was the extent. And maybe there might have been a budgeting class in there that, of course, I tossed to the wind because I thought it was unnecessary not knowing and understanding the principles of money.

Well, there definitely seems to be a different category of which we hold relationship help in versus other areas of our life that are pretty much now well understood, that if I'm going to be successful professionally, if I'm going to be successful in business, I'm going to have to take a long view and continually improve myself. If I'm going to be successful in my physical pursuit, I'm going to take a long view. But yet, no. Oh, you're getting relationship up. Oh, you must really have a lot of problems going on at home. Wait a minute now. I mean, you know, it's not interesting. How about if I was just doing it because I want to get better, you know, I mean, this is what we battle on this side of the fence, so to speak.

Well, and the presumption with our dating apps now that all I have to do is go to the dating app and, like, swipe left or right, and when I'm ready for a relationship, it is to magically appear and that that's what's guaranteed. And so we step out in the relational building of finding a special someone for ourselves, and there's about 10 principles of relationships right out of the gate. The Minute we start trying to sum it up and decide what it is and what are we, and how are we going to do this? You move it into my place, I'm moving into yours on date four. Because we're jumping to the conclusion instead of letting this unfold for ourselves. We don't realize again, like I just said, There are like 10 principles you've just kind of like blown through. Don't budget, rack up your credit cards, don't worry about interest, pay whatever they ask, you can always get more. Don't worry about that. And then we don't realize the consequences of all this until we're in it and space and separation is asked for. And these are great moments for us to just kind of reset and learn some of these things that we're alluding to. And it does begin with rediscovering who you are, what you want in a relationship and what makes you happy. It is how we need to reset what is not working or causing the breakdown, personally and collectively. Because fear and doubt are going to creep in. We have a tendency to focus only on the positive aspects of our relationship when faced with separation. In an attempt to ignore the underlying issues, we typically want to gather up all of our friends and family and tell them how great our relationship is to reassure ourselves that we're okay. When really we know in our hearts that there are some fundamental things that are breaking down. I just don't know what to do about it. Connection is like that. The threads of connection that bond us as human beings, we know when they're there and we know when they're not. Yes, they're invisible, but so is oxygen. So don't discount it. It's like knowing when I take an inhale that there's no oxygen in the room. So it is in my relationships when I reach for you and there's no connection or bond that exists except for maybe the finances and the kids. And we negate that knowing. And I try and shove it off and convince myself and others that everything is fine. And so it's important again to remember, humans talk. And just by speaking we can break out of our self made prisons. So many times we speak ourselves out of existence as we imagine if we speak our hearts, we will be rejected or ignored. And the reality is the expression, whether misunderstood, well received or rejected matters because you matter. And without that, we write ourselves completely out of the script. Okay, so the roadmap to self discovery was exactly why we created the roadmap. Because we could see a huge need of support and mentorship in this space as we were all wondering what to do and how to truly capitalize on this time of space. The process of self reflection is a journey back to oneself. And you need to find it at your own pace, with your own voice, using your own talents and find your place in the world. This happens by knowing what works and what doesn't work for you. And it's an important thing for you to know if you expect to co create effectively with another human being. Separation is absolutely a time to consider what each person truly wants from a relationship and to recognize their value goes beyond being a partner. Your value also goes beyond being a partner. I have to be more than this partnership and very often our identity does become the relationship. The only identity I possess is I'm your wife, I'm your husband, this is our family.

I believe one of our guests last week said those very same words. He had lost himself or his identity was totally tied to his marriage. He had to reclaim his own individual worth and value.

That's how we write ourselves out of the script, right? These are essential steps towards achieving a more fulfilling personal life and relationship life. This is the work. Relationships are growth promoting experiences. Regardless of how they play out. This will forever be true. If you want to put your personal growth on steroids, get into a relationship. It will take care of everything, I promise. All your hopes and dreams are going to flash and come alive like never before. And so are all your fears and insecurities.

We watched that play out in real time with a family member this week. Did we? Yes, we did put it on steroids by like double steroids.

And you know, I, I would say that even in our marriage and our relationship, there are times where I consistently need to reset and grow and look and reevaluate, reset, come back. And it just is something that we don't do through weeks and months and years of space. It's something that we can do in a matter of a half hour or to an hour. We just simply do it faster. But we're still going through the same places and spaces in our hearts. It's just because we have understanding of the principles and the skills, we can do it much faster. But trust and know over here in the Bartley house, it still happens. You know, we're not saying this because we have it all figured out. We say this because we, we've got some really great things that work, that help us reset again and again and again. We have some really effective weightlifting, emotionally weightlifting tools and skills that are a variety of different Workouts that help us maintain and strengthen where it is we wanna go. And that's what we love to share with you. So why you still need the roadmap after a breakup or beginning a new relationship? Great question.

We get this one a lot.

Well, yes. People say, I'm in separation. And then they'll say, oh, sorry, false alarm. They've decided that they're breaking up or we're getting a divorce and I don't need to work.

I don't need to work on myself anymore.

Yeah.

Now wait a minute. Think about what you're saying here. Yeah. I mean, with great love and respect. Are you kidding me?

After all we just said? After everything we just talked about, you.

Would say you don't need. I would say that's when you need it more than ever. I mean, it's almost like.

Yes.

Well, you don't think, you know, how about if you don't think you're gonna get in another relationship at some point? Downtime. I mean, let's say, okay, maybe, maybe it is. Maybe this one has come to completion. But we know by the numbers. And I've had people on my calls, Tom, after this, I'm done. I. I appreciate that, but, you know, I would say, yes, take the time to grieve and heal and become better. You know, get back on solid ground. But the numbers, the metrics tell us the greater percentage of us do step back into relationship, even when we swear we weren't again. I met this wonderful woman when she said she was done with relationships, like three days before, as she was leaving her last seven year relationship, said, I am good. No more, C' est la vie. And three days later, I happened to reach out to her. She said I really messed up her plans.

But. But you know the people who have said to us, okay, I don't need the roadmap anymore. I don't need to work with you anymore because they were getting a divorce or the relationship is over. It just goes to show, it's so innate for us to only think we need the roadmap to not help ourselves, but to lead us back to our partners, you know, so it's the wrong focus. You need to shift your focus back to yourself. Because as mom too always says, the only person we can change and the only behavior we have control of is ourself. And I would challenge you to be honest with yourself right now. Isn't there some behavior that you wish you could change from the relationship that is ending?

Great question.

And if you look back in your relationship, whatever it is right now in a space of challenging times and separation, or you've just come to the realization recently that it's over. Do you not think that there is a tremendous amount of stuff that you could understand about what worked for you and what didn't work for you and about how it is I might go forward in a new relationship to create more of what it is I have the capacity to experience?

And I would just stack on that that the fact that maybe you're no longer with this person might be for real, the perfect opportunity to finally be able to look at it now.

It can be very scary to admit, yeah, I made some mistakes and I wish I could have changed how I behaved in the relationship. And I really regret these things. That can feel like going down the rabbit hole of all rabbit holes. And wouldn't it be better to do that when you knew you had three people at least supporting you? You know, it. I feel like it makes it less scary. It gives you some guide rails so that you don't go all the way into the rabbit hole into a place that doesn't serve you and we can help pull you out of it and so can your community. You know, like, you didn't fail just because your relationship has ended or your partner asks for space or separation is nothing to do with failure. It's turning and facing a problem that has been there for a while and that is courageous. Which I would say is the opposite of failure.

I, I totally agree. And just to put this into a physical term, it would be like me getting a bill or a credit card statement or something and putting it in the jor, closing it, saying, I'm not going to address this and because it's over now and I don't have to do it, then it's going to be fine. But it has consequences for us as we move down the path of life. You're essentially saying, I give up on understanding myself better and learning and practicing relationship skills. You know, because I'm in this place of breakup or divorce. When we think about it, it doesn't make any sense because you are going to continue in your own journey of life. And if we want to improve what it is we don't know, then we're going to need to look at what we've been through and the experiences that we've had and what my part in it, for better and for worse, to know what it is I need to do differently going forward. And that would be true in any chapter of our life. So the answers to the solutions and challenges that we face lie within the looking, the observing, the reflection, and the parts that didn't work. That's really great news because they're going to always showcase to you what it is you want to do or learn or what it is you didn't know or understand. Those are beautiful things. And the things that did work, well, it's going to highlight those too. The things that you miss and that you long for are for you personally. The things that you truly long for and need in a relationship to feel fulfilled and happy and satisfied. Those are all beautiful things to know and understand. And if we can remove the silly foolishness conversations and the fear and the self beat up and just honestly objectively look at it, there is so much for us to learn and understand about ourselves, about life, about love overall. And instead, you know what? We make up some terrible conversations about ourselves, about our partners, about all men, about all women, and about relationships in general. And then we live from that lens. And do you think that's going to be less painful or more painful? I propose to you it's going to be more painful because we are wired as human beings to want to be in relationship. And if relationships are the vehicle to put my personal growth on steroids, how am I gonna grow without em? You find that people who don't want to embark in relationships, not that you have to do them sometimes, me, dealing with me, that's plenty, and that's okay. But for those of us who are wanting to grow and expand and to experience the sweet spot that intimacy can bring, I'm gonna have to do the work and I'm gonna have to understand the nuances of these very important principles in order to be successful. The continuing the personal growth and relationship skills development, regardless of your relationship status necessary. Like it doesn't have anything to do with your relationship status and everything to do with where you want to go and what you're learning from what you're experiencing, whether that's today, yesterday or tomorrow, it's the only way we can get better. And so I want you to understand that this is something that we just want to help you see and step into. For example, if you stop exercising the moment you reach your initial fitness goals, your progress doesn't just pause, it reverses. Similarly, stopping your emotional relational development after breakups or divorce can lead to regression and personal growth that you've worked so hard to achieve. Like there is no set it and forget it in these places of life. And our relationships just happen to be yet another one. And all the Same principles apply to relationships as due to the health and wellness of me.

I would say perhaps even more so applied just because it's not just me in the picture, it's bringing my life together with another human being. I It's the most dynamic process we're ever going to step into. So hence we better be really prepared and continually be understanding what's required to have something good. No different than the other places that Stacy mentioned, like our health, you know, like our financial, you know, the other places in life that we hold dear and important. I would say it's more so in our relationship just because there's two of us rather than one. Like, come on, man, it's double.

And as difficult as it is to hear, know that this is coming from a very loving place. It's not so much about the person you're in love with that's bringing this into your life at this moment. It's about appreciating all the good that you've experienced and learning from all the challenges that you've navigated. And trust. And know that if you have a desire to have true intimacy and connection in your life through the lens of relationship, that's the desire and motivation you need in order to continue the journey. However it goes, it won't so much be about the person, it will be more about the experiences you're pursuing. And that's important for you to understand because we can get so hung up on the person. I sure did. And I had no idea what was coming down the pipe. And imagine I sometimes think, what if I'd have just given up? What if I'd have just thrown my arms in the air and wrote off relationships? I was paper thin close. Except for not really, because by nature I love relationships. It's just something I would tell myself when I become enraged and resentful and hurt and disappointed and frustrated with the progress. But I continued on and. And as I did, things became more and more beautiful and I understood more and more about myself and the skills and the principles that I would be honored to share with you. So that is how it is with all of us on a journey. The journey never ends either. I'm on a continual path of growing and doing the work because not only do I have a great relationship, I wanna maintain a great relationship. And just like we talked about with physical fitness, if I stop doing my part, then it's going to regress. And also having that sweet spot that I experience causes me and motivates me on days when I don't really feel like it to reach for a better version of myself so that I can continue to do the work instead of just throwing my arms in the air and go, yeah, whatever, you'll get over it. I. I think we've done a great job of driving the point home here. I hope that you've received this message with the light in which it's intended. It's just the hope and the realization that you'll realize how silly making those decisions about getting better at principles of life and love because of your relationship status. I hope you see they don't really hold any weight and that actually it's taking you in the direction that you don't want to go. If relationships are important to you, then do something, take action that demonstrates to yourself really that you mean it. Otherwise it's just yet another feel good conversation that's take you in the direction you say you really don't want to go. Each week we choose a song and this is a special sweet spot today because one of our Roadmap members actually shared this song with our community. And this song was an anthem for him that helped him get through the rough spots that we then wanted to share with you. It's a song by Luca Fogel and he says in his song I'm not breaking, I'm not broken, I'm unfolding. And so it is with the relationship journeys. This is the places where we will grow and explore and have the motivation and capacity to do things we never dreamed we would or could. And it always is an unfolding here. It's a beautiful song that helps us remember that our follow. The fun today is here in the Northern hemisphere. It's spring.

Sure is beautiful.

It's beautiful and everything is like coming to bloom. And so I encourage you to get out and see the new life that is budding all around you. And I invite you to do this. Take notice of how small seedlings root in the darkness and then need to reach for the light and blossom. If you're paying attention, this act of creation can provide us with some important lessons in our own lives. We witness the complexities of the relationship to both pushing through the darkness and pursuit of the light of love. And when we do, we become more of who we have the capacity to be. The journey is worth it. As one Roadmap mentor said just today, she asked herself, was the difficult journey behind me that's now past worth it? Absolutely. It's always worth it. So enjoy that as you enjoy nature. And remember, we all need to push through the darkness to seek the light, and it then is in the light that we will become more of who it is we have the capacity to be. And if by chance you're resonating with what we've said today as we wrap up this episode, remember that every challenge in a relationship, be it a breakup or a divorce, is not just an end point, but a beginning of a new chapter in personal growth and self discovery. It's a pleasure always to be here with you inside of the Love Shack. We'd love to hear from you too. If you have any questions, if you have any thoughts or comments about this or any of our episodes, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. All right, bye bye for now.

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Sam.