#231: The Silent Destroyer: Why Swallowing Your Truth Is Eroding Your Relationship

Have you ever swallowed your truth to keep the peace? You told yourself, it's not a big deal. I'll bring it up later. But then you never did. You felt something rising in your chest, begging to be said, but you stuffed it down, smiled, and carried on like nothing was wrong. We tell ourselves we're being kind. We think silence is safer, that not rocking the boat means we're protecting the people we love. But here's the truth. Every time we hold back what needs to be said. Every time we avoid the hard conversations, the messy emotions, the unmet needs, the. We create a different kind of damage. A slow, quiet erosion that eats away at connection, intimacy, and worst of all, trust. Not because we mean to hurt anyone, but because we're too afraid to feel uncomfortable. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor and emotional skill builder, and this is Love Shack Live. Welcome. This is a podcast for people at a relationship crossroads who are tired of trying harder and ready to try different. I'm here with my partner and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke, and together, we've helped thousands of people navigate the hard stuff so they can build something real, respectful, and lasting. And in today's episode, we're naming the hidden cost of shying away. The invisible wounds, the unspoken resentments, the heartbreak that happens not from what's said, but from what is never said at all. Let's talk about it and start cleaning up the emotional messes we've been pretending don't exist. Hey. Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack. This is a very important conversation because very often the things that we can't see can be rationalized or minimized away, and yet the impact of it still prevails and continues to add up. I want to start by telling you a story about Jenna and Jim. Jenna and Jim were, by all accounts, a great team and a great couple. Jem built a successful business from the ground up, one that allowed Jenna to stay home with the kids, manage the household, and dabble in her creative ideas. She then attempted to sell on Etsy. She was present with her children for every scraped knee and science fair project. Jim was proud of the life that he had created for his family. He worked long hours, provided well, and did everything he thought a good husband and father was supposed to do. But underneath the pride of his accomplishment, something else lived quietly within him. It was resentment. Not all the time, just in flashes. When he came home to a long list of honeydews, or when someone made a purchase without checking the budget, when the kids complained about not having the latest Gadget. When Jenna refused to use any of her side hustle to support the family finances, it wasn't that he didn't want to give. He just didn't know how to say, I'm tired. I feel used. Sometimes I want to be appreciated and. And not expected to meet everyone's money demands. But he swallowed it, afraid it would come out wrong. Afraid Jenna would think he was greedy or selfish or inconsiderate of all that she did to continue to support the family as well. Because she, too, was feeling overwhelmed and overworked. And he sensed it and he knew it. So he kept it to himself. And Jenna. She saw how Jim worked. She could see and sense the pressure he was under. So she took care of everything else without being asked. The kids, the school stuff, the mills, the emotional meltdowns. She rarely told him when she was struggling because she didn't want to add anything more to his plate and all that he was contributing to the family. He was doing so much. She would say to herself, I don't want to be a bother. I can figure this out. But sometimes, actually often, she cried in the laundry room, wondering why it felt like she was all alone and carrying the weight of the whole family on her shoulders, herself. She didn't ask for help. She didn't know how, not without feeling like a failure. So she made it up in her head that she didn't need help. It was inappropriate for her to ask for help. And so she tried to weather the emotional bearing of the family on her own shoulders. And that's how the quiet distance grew between them. Not from betrayal, not from big fights, but from love expressed through protection instead of honesty. Of their real life experiences. Each of them, in their own way, was trying not to burden the other. And in so doing, they both ended up carrying too much alone. Him with the finances, her with the emotional life of the family. And what they didn't realize, which so many of us don't, is that withholding their struggles didn't create peace. It actually created isolation. It built walls instead of bridges. It turned partnership into parting ways as they created parallel lives. It wasn't until they finally said the things that they were afraid to say. Things like, I feel alone. I need help. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do this by myself. That the distance between them began to close. Because here's the deal. Love isn't just built on what we do for each other. It's built on what we're willing to share. Even when it's hard. Even when it's messy, even when it makes us feel vulnerable, especially then. Unspoken emotions still leave impact. They don't disappear. They just go underground and build up over time. I call this compassionate cruelty where we start to begin to live and pretend an illusion. There are lots of places that we can see and identify this playing out in our lives. It really is the thing that undermines. We're soulmates today. Let's get married, let's build a life together, and we're strangers a year or two or 10 from now. It is the thing that we think we are giving to our relationships, that we think are going to save it, when actually we don't understand and realize it's the thing that's going to destroy it instead. So I know this is a big conversation and I know it's a heavy conversation, but I think it's also one that we need to have. We need to understand that in the invisible choices and decisions that we make to not use our voices and disclose the struggles in our relationships that come up within ourselves, that we actually create. Create more problems than we solve. But the aftermath is that there are so many things that go unsaid that then I live congruent to, because as a human being, I show up as good as I feel. There's no way around that. So if I feel like you have taken me for granted or didn't have the time to hear what I had to say or disregarded me and what it is I wanted instead of what you wanted, or the door always swings your way, or I don't feel safe enough to share with you the things that are on my heart, then I won't say anything. But I guess what, I'm gonna start showing up a lot different than I did yesterday. That's just how it rolls as a human being.

Well, and I think when we start to feel these ways that you've perfectly described, you know, the building resentment that happens when you feel like you're doing everything and no one is noticing. Or they just, you know, like, I put the toast out every morning, I make the coffee every night, and I never get a thank you. Or if, like, if I died, would they even notice that I wasn't here? All of those feelings that we often have, no one has said, this is how you address it. You know what I mean? Like, we have all these platitudes and stuff about relationships like happy wife, happy life, but there's nothing that's helpful in those. There. There's never like a little trick that people pass around that actually helps you talk about the stuff that, the real life issues like this that erode the emotional safety and the bond that we have with our partner. And so you carry them all in, like you said, feeling like you're doing what's best, but it really is cruel because you're not sharing your intel with your partner.

We didn't, it seems like, could have or should have. Yes.

And then if you maybe try to without helpful tips or tools, then it goes bad and then you never do it again. You know, you get into a huge blow up fight.

Having a memory flash in my mind like way back in the day where like bridal showers or like wedding showers.

Yes, yes. And the little piece of advice.

Yeah. My family would gather together and then, you know, the, the older people, right. Would start talking about some things that are going on or the younger people start complaining to the older people about some of the things they don't really understand or know about relationships. And I just have this very vivid memory of like the olders chuckling, like, just laughing like, oh, yeah, you'll figure it out. Oh, oh yeah. That's kind of how it goes. And I look back on those often and I think, why didn't somebody offer some helpful tips and why didn't we talk about this honestly? And then I had to come to the very like sober number realization that didn't happen because they didn't know either.

You said you had that realization that it's not that they weren't sharing their advice with you, it's that they didn't have it. Like, that's powerful because as we're young and we see all these couples around us, we think, oh, they know how to do it. You know, we'll learn too. But the reality is we never learn. We, we learn as we go, but who knows if we're learning the right things or doing it in a way that's actually healthy or like, I think.

It'S normal for us to look at our parents and think, o, oh, they know. Yeah, they know, they know. And certainly my grandparents, right. But as I, I think about just a snickering, you know, the laughing and then I understand why we laugh because I wish there was something I could give you, but I don't. So good luck, you know? Yeah. You realize, oh my gosh, it wasn't that they were trying to be disingenuous or rude. It was just like buckle your seat belt. This is going to get interesting. Let's see what you got in you.

That's a Real bright, rosy picture, right?

I know, I know.

It's a very sober thought once you get past the hum of it. And I remember having some really good belly laughs about all of this. But the reality is really nobody knew how to support and help everybody through the conflict that was inevitable in the relationships on the life journey. I thought it might be kind of fun for us to kind of go through some very common dilemmas where we might have a moment to be enticed, to maybe do some of that compassionate cruelty moment, just to help us see what it is we're talking about. Because I think, because it is invisible, you can see it through the story that I told. And we can all reflect, I'm sure, in moments of our own lives and go, yeah, that there is some something that's still there. So often it's because I said it in a way that didn't really work or it didn't land or it didn't translate. And I end up feeling not safe or I didn't allow myself to say it. And then we just pretend like it's going to go on and be fine, you know, because we don't see the impact of it. But nonetheless, over time, we definitely know that it had some impact. Let's just go through some very simple, common dilemmas and scenarios. Scenarios here, and we can try them on and we can start to see what it is. It's not so much what we say, it's very often the things that go unsaid that create the challenges that we face later in life in our relationships. So here we are. I'm going to call this the dinner dilemma. And your partner suggests takeout. And you immediately start thinking, oh, my God, I don't want to do Thai food again. That's my problem. Because I have this Thai restaurant right next to my private practice. I love that place. So Tom knows that every time he comes to pick me up. What is Stacy going to suggest? It's going to be the Thai place. It's going to be. Why don't we just go next door? And so your partner suggests takeout. You don't want to do tie again, but you don't want to seem picky or ungrateful, you know, especially after maybe one of you have offered to buy. I'll buy. Come on, don't worry about it. Let's go here. What do you do? You say, sure, sounds good. But inside you feel overlooked, irritated, and tired of always having to compromise. Like that's the unspoken. Like, we didn't we just do this Yesterday, Gosh, we've done tie for the last 10 times in a row, like, and I'm compromising. I'm going along with. I'm putting in. But here's the thing. Nobody else sees it but you. So think about that for a moment. The unspoken truth that never is said is I wanted something else, but I didn't want to seem difficult or, you.

Know, I wanted something else, but I didn't know what I wanted. So you know what you want. So we'll just go with the person who already has the suggestion. That happens so often.

Oh, my gosh, all the time. And there's still a little bit of burn, if we're being honest. There's still a little bit of burn that I didn't really get to choose this time or next time or the time after, because maybe I'm a little unclear about what I want. I don't really give myself the opportunity to get clear about that because I'm too busy pleasing you, right. Or my partner gets to a place where I just make the shots because you never speak up. You never say anything. So, okay, I'll just go ahead and make the decisions, not waste a lot of time in regards to where are we going for dinner tonight? Night? And you can start to see the unspoken dilemma that gets created in that invisible space and place.

I'm thinking, just so you know, listener Stacy will always have a charcuterie board. She'd have that every night of the week for dinner.

Yeah. That's my favorite.

I say, honey, could we just, like, have, like, something hot, like a main dish and some side dish and a salad? I don't want a charcuterie board. I mean, I love.

That's called girl dinner. Girl dinner.

Like, honey, no.

Platter mill.

It's not gonna work. Platter. I'm plattered out right now. Sorry.

Gotta.

Gotta bring up your game. I need something like fish, some rice, some salad, potatoes.

Yeah. Biscuit.

Give me something. And give me. Give me, like, a. Give me a plate of food.

I just want to point out, in that situation, the mom, too, just shared that. So if she was the one suggesting Thai food and dad was the one who's like, oh, God, that sounds so gross. I know she already said it, but let's really make it clear that mom, too, in that situation, is getting her way. But she doesn't really feel like she's getting her way. She just suggested something, and her partner said yes. And dad feels like he's making a compromise, but Mom 2 has no idea that he's making a compromise because it was never spoken about. So his endless compromising is going to pile up. But Mom 2 doesn't even know that he feels as though he's making a compromise. So that is huge amount of conflict that's happening. But no one is talking about it, and no one is there. She's not seeing it, but he really is compromising.

Reminds me of what my brother says, but it applies here. Sometimes what. What hurts the most can't be seen. So you shine away is just building this significant account of freaking. Really a lot of. Like what? Like you're the little princess, you know, so.

But the other person simply has no idea how. The other person has no idea it's happening. So you can't. So then you're feeling all of these feelings and you're not sharing any of them, but you're getting so mad that they're not reading your mind.

You know, we're headed for a Mount.

St. Helens moment at some point in time.

So over who's picked dinner, you know?

Yep.

That's simple stuff. Yeah. And that is just one. Let's talk about another because these things definitely layer on themselves. How about the touchy topic of they come home late without checking in again? It stings, but you don't want to seem controlling or needy, so what do you do? You say nothing. You act like it's fine. But here's the thing. You withdraw emotionally and maybe even punish them in subtle ways, like going to bed early or ignoring their texts later in the day or not wanting to have sex this week because you want them to get the message. Coming home late is not okay. I'm going to passively, aggressively push you out, ignore you, not leave dinner out for you, not want to have sex, not be attuned to you in the relational space and places in hopes that you'll get the message that you coming home late is not okay.

It's just so funny because I, like, I'm not trying to beat a dead horse, but let's just point out the flaw in that thinking, which we all have. Your partner could assume the totally wrong thing was what was upset you. You know, they could think, oh, my God, I forgot to take out the trash. And she's so mad at me for that. So I'm gonna start taking out the trash early every trash day. And you're like, I don't care about the trash. I'm. That you came home late. You know, like, you could be fixing a problem and your partner doesn't even know you're trying to make up for it because once again, zero communication is happening about what's upsetting you, but you think you're doing the best thing by staying quiet, you know, Or I'm having.

This idea of like, you know, there's a honey do list that you've put off for God knows how long. And so, man, I'm going to really hammer it. This must be what it is. So yeah, I'm going to do all of those. I'm going to, I'm going to. Gonna nail it. I'm gonna, I'm gonna knock this out of the park and go, tada. Where's my, where's my acknowledgment, my appreciation for me getting it done all in one day? And they're like, I'm not giving you any acknowledgement for that. You were. You came home late, but nobody knows that. So then they pile up again. Right. Or I'm gonna make you the best dinner, your favorite thing in the whole wide world. It's gonna be so great. You're gonna love this. And then when it's not received in the manner with which I'm anticipating, that's gonna make all of this this. Right.

Now you're mad.

Now I'm mad that you didn't really respect and appreciate the fact that I went all out for you because you're pissed that I came home late. Yeah. Instead of just simply saying the unspoken truth, which is I felt disrespected, but I didn't want to rock the boat like you coming home late causes me to feel disrespected. What can we do about this now we're addressing what really needs to be addressed. So what about this one? You're overwhelmed and would rather skip a social event. Like your partner go and assumes you're in on it.

Like a wedding.

A wedding baby shower, A night out with friends, a night out dancing.

But they never asked you if you want, if like if you were okay with going. Yeah, they just said, yes, we'll be there.

You just RSVP for the both of us. Can't wait.

We'll be there. And when you find out about the event, you're completely overwhelmed and really don't want to go. But your partner does. They've already rsvp. So I guess you're going. And I guess that's the end of the conversation. So what do you do? You dress up and show up, but you're drained and disconnected the whole entire night. Sitting in the back, maybe with a cocktail, getting drunk. I Don't know. I've never done that.

And everyone's like, God, why is Stacy so quiet tonight? Yeah.

And all the friends are going, hey, what's wrong with Tom?

Stacy's never. Just so you know, Stacy's never quiet.

That's true. That would definitely be dad in that situation. No, it would be asking her.

It's not in her DNA to be quiet.

But I always love a good party and a good. Yeah. Is there anything you need? I mean, why. You know, is he gonna get up? Is he going to participate? You know, should I approach him? And you're managing that whole conversation without realizing the unspoken truth is a, you didn't ask your partner if they even wanted to go. You just assume they did. That's step number one. Number two, your partner didn't say, you know what? I need some rest. I don't want to disappoint you, but I'm really not feeling up to this event. What are we going to do about it? How do we navigate this? I also want to just point out in the solution side of the equation here, there are so many things we could have done instead. And I also want to point out, we get so hung up on whether to go or not go. That's not even the deal. Whether we did go or we didn't go, it won't matter once I feel like everybody is heard and acknowledged in the scenario. And then I might even say, I choose in to go. Really, I genuinely choose in. After we've had this conversation, I want to go because you want to go so much.

Or you could say, maybe we'll just stay an hour instead of five.

Let's take separate cars, and when I'm done, I can leave and you can stay and enjoy the party. That's what I mean. There are so many solutions to that scenario that we never even think about. It's either I go or I don't go, and I either have a great time or I don't have a great time. And we've totally set ourselves up, because, again, I'm going to say this. We show up as good as we feel, and we're shying away from the conversation. That would actually help us both have a really great time and get our needs met. But we can't do that if we don't say what it is we need to say. I can't tell you how many times I've had this experience where I'll pull up something that's really troubling me personally, and then Tom and I will talk about it. And then I've kind of worked through it, and now I'm ready to do the thing that I didn't think I was ready to do in the first place. And that is so human of us. So it's not about what we do or don't do. It's the opportunity to kind of share and kick that around with another human being that helps me then understand. Understand myself better. Right. It's an interesting thing. When I speak, I understand myself. And Tom is really good about allowing me to do that. Let it, like, work a few things out. And when I listen, I understand others. And it's that exchange that all of a sudden makes it possible for us to do so many of the things that we think we don't want to do. Like, I'm. I'm remembering you and I sitting in the parking lot of my private practice having a dialogue about where we're going to go. And as I allow you to voice, I really don't want Ty again. Somehow we end up deciding we're going to go to Tai anyway. So it's not about where we go to eat. It's not about whether we go to the event or not a event. It's about our ability to have this conversation and figure out how we're going to find some solutions that support everybody so we don't carry the upset, the frustration, the resentment, the disappointment, and the burying of our own thoughts and feelings.

Well, and I think you really touched on a really important part of this is there has to be an exchange. Oftentimes it's one way. That's not an exchange. Okay, so there has to be some listening and then there has to be some talking and then some listening and talk. It's like a volley. And most of the time, especially when we're triggered, it's not exchanged. We're just unloading. That's not an ex. That's not an exchange. Okay, so nothing is accomplished other than more escalation of what was already there. And that's what most of us have in these places, especially difficult conversations. They terrify us. And that's understandable. So there's just escalation and then there's just a bigger eruption. But that's not how it can go. When you have some practice and you're skilled up, there can be an exchange.

And also mom, too, you pointed out, really, that that situation you said, where dad said you don't want Thai food, but then you, after you have the conversation and he feels heard, you end up going to Thai Food. Anyways, that's the key there. It's really not often I'm too always says if you asked for what you wanted a hundred percent. Oftentimes just asking is all you needed to do. And if you get a no, it doesn't really even matter because you asked and you shared and you were heard and that's really what you wanted in the first place.

You know, if I don't ever allow myself to use my voice and to say these things that I'm withholding in the name of not being a problem, not being a burden, not rocking the boat, not creating conflict. What's ironic about that is I get get pissed, I get so angry myself. And then I think it's directed at you because I can't believe how you won't allow me to ask for a different restaurant. You're forcing me to attend the event, you're causing me and forcing me to do all these things that I don't want to do, or you're taking advantage of me. But the net result of that is I'm really angry because I won't allow myself to speak up. I won't allow myself to step in and let my own needs, desires and wants and perspectives be part of the conversation. Then I go back to okay, I don't matter, I don't count. Without realizing. When we first do this, it's unexpected. But two, you're presuming the other person that you're in a relationship with has skills too. Isn't that ironic? So all of a sudden you're going to get all boisterous now, when you've been quiet for five years and all of a sudden you have an opinion about everything. And I've become very patternistically accustomed to calling all the shots. And now you have an opinion and a point of view and a perspective you want me to honor. That can be a very incredulous, surprising, frustrating experience. Because I'm used to calling the shots. And that's how we roll here in the Smith house. And so you're presuming that the emotional intelligence and the skill building is already acquired in your partner when really you don't possess it for yourself and you're expecting them when you speak up to be able to handle this like you know it to be like, this is a very brave, courageous moment where you're risking it all and all of a sudden you feel shut down again. You're presuming they have the skills that you've always needed and they don't have any more skills than you do.

They could be seeing it that, that you're mad at them for always calling the shots. And so you're. You're taking back the reins and you're punishing them by making all the decisions. Now, really, you're not. You're simply speaking up, and it feels good, but they don't. Your partner doesn't have any of the thoughts that you're thinking in your head, you know, so you have to share them.

And let's be honest, when we have to consider two perspectives and we're used to only considering one, there's friction there. And so it could just be a simple matter of friction. Like, you know what? You always just did what I wanted to do. Can't we just do that? I mean, there's. There's friction there. Not right or wrong or good or bad, but it does take a little more effort and communication to consider two perspectives or three perspectives or 10 perspectives than a does to consider one. And that's a skill. And sometimes I need to do an emotional push up and listen, but I don't know how to do that. And so I react. And unfortunately, that reaction shuts the whole conversation down. And we're back to not saying what we need to say and shying away from the conversations that need to be had, not because nobody cares or. Or loves each other, but because we don't know how to say what it is we actually need to say. We shy away from the stuff that makes us uncomfortable and the difficult conversations that need to be shared so that we can actually problem sol something and create something new and different between the two of us. So I'm going to give us one last scenario, and this one is a parenting one, because, tell you what, money and kids, I tell you what, money, sex, and kids, those are the three biggies right there. But parenting, you have a differing opinion on how to handle the discipline around screen time. It creates a lot of conflict every time you bring it up. And you have a tremendous amount of stress about parenting in general, too. Because let's be honest, as parents, there's no manual. We don't know who's doing it right, who's doing it wrong. And so this can be a place of, like, so much doubt, either doubt within myself about how I'm doing it and what I'm pushing for, or doubt and in how my partner is doing it and messing up the kids. And so we don't talk about this doubt, we just withhold this doubt and the stress of being parents. And the truth is, if we could look at each other and go, I don't know what the hell to do. Tell me something. What do you think we should do? Right? And we could actually have an honest exchange about that. It's amazing how we kind of put ourselves on these platforms of need, needing to know what the answers are as parents, and then we reach back from our families of origin. Well, my parents did it this way. Your parents are messed up, or vice versa. And we're still in a tremendous amount of doubt trying to figure out what to do. And so parenting is very stressful for both of you. So, of course, what are you going to do? You're going to probably avoid conversations around any of that because really nobody knows what they're doing and how to do it. We're trying to figure it out as we go, and every time we bring it up, everybody thinks they've got the right answer, when really nobody has an answer at all. So what we're going to have a tendency to do is stay quiet and maybe let your partner take the lead and then silently resent them. When it doesn't go well, I just let you make all the choices so I can point the finger at you when it goes to hell in a hand basket. That is so messed up. Like, just think about that for a minute. So you're gonna put somebody out. Shotgun is what my kids called it in the front. And then if it does go well, you're gonna go, who? Thank goodness. I. I dodged that bullet. But when it doesn't, I'm going, ah, see, I knew the way. I knew the answer, but I didn't tell you. And I'm just gonna let you take. Then I'm going to punish you for it by not having sex this week and not having a conversation with you and not making you dinner and not replying to your text exchanges so that you can get the message that you screwed up. And you'd better invite me to the conversation next time without realizing I didn't invite myself to the conversation next time. The unspoken truth here is very often I'm afraid if I speak up, we'll end up fighting about parenting. What should we do? And. And that will create so many conflicts. And the kids can even get out on this game, right? The kids know who they can work.

Leverage the parents against each other.

And so the cost of silence in each of these scenarios is the person avoids a moment of discomfort, but trades it for inner frustration, emotional distance, misunderstandings, and the slow erosion of intimacy. Because we make up meaning around why I feel the way I feel and what somebody else should do about it.

It.

In my work and our work, we call that our movie. Bernee Brown calls it our story. We're talking about the same thing. But this narrative will continue to play regardless of whether it's silent or it's not. Not speaking up and saying what we need to say is more detrimental than taking a chance on saying what I need to say in the first place. If I don't fill in the blanks, a couple of things happen. Number one, I'm not going to feel connected to you. There's nothing to connect to because you're not sharing, you're not speaking up. So I have no idea what you think, what you feel, what you want, where to go. And in the absence of that, as your partner, I'll just go ahead and fill in the blanks myself.

How many times have you assumed your partner was doing something for one reason? And when you actually talk about it, you, they tell you the reason why they did that thing and it's never what you imagine in your brain. Like their intentions are better than you assumed most of the time. We have a tendency to assume the worst. It's just what our brains do. They love to fill in the blanks with very terrible things when we don't have all the answers. And so we always make our partner the bad guy in these things that we're assuming. When really it's. They just have different movies than we do and they're doing things for a different reason than we would do it. But it doesn't always mean it's bad. You know, it's kind of like get.

Your popcorn, get your coke. This horror movie is going to take you away on an epic adventure. And we, we settle in and the more we stay isolated there, the more serious the horror picture becomes. And we can convince ourselves of anything. And here's the kicker. We're going to live congruent to whatever it is I'm making up as true. I'm going to treat you according to whatever it is I'm making up as true.

Well then it's no wonder that we hear all the time, we just don't talk anymore. Well, yeah, I mean, remember, because there's.

No exchange, there's no connection and there's no intimacy either. And I have a malicious story about you and you have a malicious story about me. So of course we got to protect ourselves.

Self perpetuating, bad self seen. Not gonna go well.

We shy away because we fear discomfort, conflict, judgment and rejection. We confuse emotional Avoidance with emotional maturity. Common phrases we tell ourselves are, it's no big deal. I used to say that one all the time. I don't want to make them feel bad. They should know how I feel. Come on, it's obvious.

We've been together 22 years.

Oh, I know what they're gonna do. I know what they're gonna say or, I don't want to be a burden. They're doing all this for me. I gotta figure out how to handle this on my own. We don't know or forget how connection is created. We don't. We just keep thinking if I withhold the information that it's all gonna work out. But here's the kicker. Emotions are invisible. Yes, that's true. But don't disregard the fact that they have true impact and the invisible fallout is real. Just because there's no broken dishes doesn't mean there isn't a mess. Emotional leaks show up as resentment, withdrawals, passive aggression, loss of intimacy. It's kind of like mold growing behind the wall. And just because we can't see it doesn't mean it's not there and growing. And we'll only start to notice it when the problem becomes so exacerbated, I all of a sudden can't breathe. And then, oh my God, what is going on? We start exploring issue, but it's been growing there for a really long time. Time silence indeed sends a message, even if we don't mean it to, because we are going to fill in the narrative what others don't speak. We then live congruent to this piece. I've said that and I will say it again. We will show up as good as we feel. And I will show up congruent to the things that I'm making up are true. So not speaking up can feel a lot like rejection, disconnection, or indifference to the other person. And they're going to take it as such. And let's all be honest, we don't. We're too lost in our own narrative. So unspoken truth is a weight in the relationship that both people feel. Even if we can't name it and we can't talk about it, we know it exists. So speaking up is not about dumping or becoming a burden. It's about leaning in and sharing and taking responsibility for the thoughts and feelings that you actually have as a human that deserves space and a place and has a point of view and an opinion that deserves to be given air time. Time. And if I don't allow myself to do that, then I am playing into the hands of creating exactly what it is I'm trying to avoid. When I speak, I understand myself. I must do that. That is something I need as a human being. And when I listen, I then understand somebody that I love and care about. And without those two things, we can't lean in. We're going to be making up malicious narratives instead. So some signs that you're shying away from, some very important things that need to be said, as simple and silly as they may appear, is you begin to feel resentful. You say it's fine when it's not. You rehearse conversations in your head, but you never have them. You say yes, and then feel bitter and angry that you just did that yes thing that you know you don't want to do. You avoid contact or physical closeness after a hard moment. You push them away instead of leaning into them because you've actually cleaned up a mess and arrived at a new place of understanding. So at the end of this podcast today, I'm going to encourage you to do a daily practice. I'm going to challenge you to muster up your courage and for heaven's sakes, speak one small truth this week, Let it be known, Give it some air time, give it some sunshine, because it will make a huge difference in regards to how you experience your very own relationship. And the person that you're in a relationship with won't need to do anything. Say please. I'd actually prefer a different restaurant. I felt a little hurt earlier, and I want to name it or process it with you or work it out with you. I'm realizing I need more time to myself. This weekend, I'm going to let you go by yourself. If we can start doing these things, then our relationships, at least with ourself, will improve. And what's important is that we each have you as partners, have the air time and the ability and the permission to say what it is you need to say. And what we do after that really doesn't matter. I know that's a big, bold statement, but it's so true. It's the exchange of, you'll listen to me, I'll listen to you, and there's a safe place here between us to figure that out. It's not about what we do or didn't do. That's just what we say when we're angry and bitter. So it's time to scale up. It's time to dig out some tools. It's time to understand that withholding information doesn't protect our relationships. Actually, it's the silent destroyer underneath it all. That's the thing that I hope you take away from this conversation today. What you have to say matters. And the longer you go without saying it, the more walls of resentment are very often built, not just within yourself, but between the person you say you love. It's important. Shying away from what's hard doesn't make it go away, it just buries it deeper. And the longer we avoid our truth, the heavier it becomes. But you don't have to carry it alone. I want to invite you to the Better Love Club. This is the place that you'll find practice in speaking up and showing up and working through the stuff that most people avoid alongside others who are doing the very same thing. Like, we're not expecting you to know how to do this. We just want to showcase the cost of doing what it is you think is helping, but is actually not. So come join us inside of the Better Love Club along with other people who are wanting to get better at this too. And whether you're navigating space and separation or working to save your marriage or coming soon, exploring the singles and dating world with clarity and heart, we have a path for you here. And it's because you are a Love Shack live listener. You'll also get a 15% discount off of your first month to the Better Love Club with the code love shack15. Join us where emotional weightlifting meets real connection and where your truth is not just welcome, but it's essential. It's essential that we practice it there. So a little bit of follow the fun. Well, I couldn't miss the opportunity to do a little bit of a Truth or Dare. It continues from our last podcast episode. The dare that I'm going to give you this week is. I dare you to say one thing out loud this week that you've been silently carrying. So I'm going to ask you to really bring it home. That's your dare, your truth. What emotion are you avoiding? And why? Why is it so scary? Our song this week is a cute little ditty by a wonderful group called called Fiji Blue. It Takes Two. And of course the title kind of says it all. It takes two of us to be able to create a relationship that is worth being in. Where it's not so much about what we do, it's about the ability to lean in and share it with each other. And if we can get to a place where we can share our life experiences, where we celebrate and where it's hard, we're going to find out that what we do really doesn't matter too much. So check that song out along with all of the songs for each of our podcast episodes by going to our website or checking out our Spotify playlist at Love Shack Live playlist inside of Spotify until next time, Be kind to yourself. Speak up. Remember, love gets better when you get braver, more courageous about what it is you need to say. Thank you so much for listening today. And if this episode stirred something in you, if it reminded you of a truth you've been carrying or a conversation you've been avoiding, please don't keep it to yourself. Share this message with someone who needs to hear it too. Post it, text it, talk about it. Because the more we speak up, the more we make it safe for others to do so. And remember, speak your truth, even if your voice is shaking. Silence may feel safer, but it never gives you the life that you deserve. Bye bye for now. All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.