#234: Why Do I Keep Pretending Everything’s Fine in My Relationship?

As humans, we all say we want deep connection and intimacy with our special someone. We want to feel seen, heard, understood and desired, especially by the people that we love the most. But here's the part we don't often talk about. Connection doesn't happen just because you fall in love with someone and found your soulmate. It happens because both people are willing and able to do two hard things. Reveal themselves honestly and witness the truth of the other without shutting down or attacking. This is why even the best of lovers can find themselves at the end of a good thing. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor and emotional skill builder, and this is Love Shack Live. Welcome. It's a podcast for people at a relationship crossroads who are tired of trying harder and ready to try different. I'm here with my partner in life and lover, Tom and her daughter Brooke. Together we've helped thousands of people navigate the hard stuff so they can build something real, responsible, respectful and lasting. Today's episode, actually we're going to be talking about why connection is so damn hard, even when we love each other so deeply, and why the door to connection must swing both ways. We'll talk about the real skills behind revealing and witnessing. And FYI, we talked about revealing and witnessing in episode 232. We talked extensively about what happens when one side of the equation to connection is missing and how it is we unknowingly create what I call the race to the bottom when don't know how to do either side reveal or witness. So let's dive in.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Let's start with just a really tiny recap of that episode because we're going to stack on that throughout this episode. I want to touch back to this sweet spot in co creating through the reveal and witness part of intimacy. Here it is. It really doesn't matter circumstantially what a couple is faced to navigate through. What matters is that they have the sweet spot to just simply share it with each other. It's that reveal what I'm going through and you witness me and then you revealed to me and eyewitness you. It sounds so simple in the equation, but yet in practice and principle, it is very challenging for us.

I want to share this one stat that I've discovered while redoing our website because I think it perfectly describes what you just said. 67% of relationship conflict isn't meant to be solved, it's just meant to be navigated, meaning we never change our partner's mind and maybe they never see it from our side, and we never see it from their side. We just learn how to navigate through, which is that sweet spot that mom, too, mentioned. And I think we get so caught up in trying to make them believe us or make them come over and change their mind to be exactly like us. But we miss out on having that connection and realizing that we're not supposed to do that. What we're supposed to do is learn how to navigate through these things. And that is what you can say is checking the boxes, solving them.

Absolutely. The circumstances don't change, but the ability to get through the challenge, even though you may not be able to change the thing about it, is the sweet spot. And in this episode, Tom and I shared, after being together less than two years, we had a challenging experience within our own family that stretched every skill we had and some we hadn't even learned yet. And it highlights this idea of how it is we continue to reveal and witness each other in this very challenging spot.

So.

So if you like this episode, I encourage you to go back and look at that one, because in an instant, you can find yourself needing to come to this place of just being able to share what each person individually is experiencing through the challenge. And you might find that it's very different for both of you. And that's okay, as long as there's a space for each of you to share it and each of you to witness the other. Not judge, not fix, not. Not proclaim, not blame. Just hear them speak. Witness it. So I really want to emphasize that we're not fixing each other here. We're being real with each other, even when it's uncomfortable to one or both of us, that's the ticket. That's why I say if you don't want to be vulnerable, but you want deep connection and intimacy in your relationship, well, you can't have it unless you get vulnerable. It's kind of like saying you want to be a millionaire, but you're not willing to get a job. You just simply cannot get there from there. So you might be saying, wow, okay, Stace. So I don't like to be vulnerable. And I would say, then let's skill up so that you can practice becoming vulnerable. Because you're going to find the more vulnerable we are, the more empowered I feel and the better I feel and the more significant experiences I have. Of all the good stuff, relationally is yours. It is the pathway to receiving all the good things that we say we want in a relationship. As I like to say, often I Don't make these principles up. But I do think it's important for us to understand them so that if by chance this is a direction I want to go, I can make the choices to go there. The next thing that I want to point out is love alone actually won't get you there either. Like, I could love you and want to hang the moon for you and yet still not be able to meet the sweet spot. I think it's really important for us to understand that me saving you, me pretending to be a version of myself that you want, me trying to force or coerce or educate or control or blame or fix, or just trying to stay under the radar so that I can seem like the good person in the relationship, can extend something good into the relationship. The these all create a pattern of illusion. And it does come from the sweetheart message of love. I love you. I care about you deeply. I want this to work. I see the potential in you, the potential in us. But love alone is not enough to take us where it is we ultimately want to and so deeply desire to go. And so loving someone doesn't automatically mean, you know, how to stay connected through the inevitable ups and downs of real life. Love is a really great place to begin a relationship. But if we want to maintain and sustain that deep love that we have in the beginning, well, this is where we need to skill up and understand the principles and tools that are absolutely going to be required to navigate the inevitable challenges and ups and downs that you will face in life. As I shared in our last episode, if we don't have the ability to reveal and witness each other, the connection that we once shared will atrophy. It's principled and it has absolutely nothing to do with love.

Yeah, it's almost as you're saying this, I'm just. I mean that four letter word has so much to it and I think most of us and no fault, it's just we just don't understand that within that unbelievable world that is sought after, I would say all over the world, whatever that means for your version of it, it has so many principles that are necessary to experience whatever your version is of that that we don't talk about literally ever.

It's why on the new website we have so many times, love isn't magic, it's skills. You know, like it's an umbrella. Love is like an umbrella over all of these skills that are required to have it underneath it, you know, like it's like just to even reveal and witness requires so many skills. Staying out of defensiveness, staying out of manipulation, having emotional safety, having a window of neutrality, knowing how to use your brake pedal. All of those things are required. And I just listed a few. But you need to be able to do all of those things in order for you to even have an environment where you can reveal and witness each other.

Now people are probably saying, oh my gosh, you mean that's all required, V for me to have this magical four letter word? Well, yes, it is, because that's the only. It'd be like trying to bake a recipe, you know, whatever you're cooking and you're leaving out up like most of the ingredients. How would you expect to have the whatever if you're not putting in all this required. But it's amazing how we have all bitten off on this freaking fairy tale.

It's because this is it. We've discovered it. And doing this work, the three of us have discovered, I mean, it's not like we're philosophers and I'm sure other people have discovered it, but in our unique way. I think the reason why this happens is because in the beginning you don't really need the skills because the adrenaline and the chemistry and all of those things do the work of the skills. So you can, you can be blind to annoying things. You find annoying things very charming. You're just so in love with each other, you can't get enough. But once that wears out, you need the skills because then you just become two humans that have a lot of triggers and a lot of emotional pitfalls and a lot of patterns and defensive.

That you've used your whole life that.

Now you have to navigate. And so that's why breakups happen, that's why space is requested, that's why divorces happen, because you're trying to solve all these huge problems with zero skills and it's not working. We're just being human together and it's going terribly and things are blowing up. And that is why that happens. The skills are the kind of like this replacement for the chemistry and the chemicals and the fuzzy love feelings. That's what keeps love going. Otherwise it's not going to last.

Well, the new part of what we've realized and this new website is coming soon because Rookies is incredibly close. Here's what we've come up with. Not a tagline, but relationships are the classroom and skills are the answer. That's it. I mean, when, like that's really how. Where else in life does that not apply? Whatever your, your profession, whatever. But it's probably Taking you a heck of a lot of skills continually to be proficient and continue getting better at it. So I hope this just like we're not trying to be, you know, doomsday or we're trying like this is like the great reveal.

Like, no, I think mom too talking about reveal and witness and, and what takes place after in this episode, I feel like it should be maybe a sigh of relief that the reason why you haven't been able to do that is not because you're bad at love. It's not because you're with the wrong person or that your relationship sucks. It's simply because you don't know the skills. And I feel like that's a good thing, not a bad thing because everyone can learn them.

Yeah. That takes me to sharing how this commonly plays out. I'll just share a story from my own personal life where you fall in love and that feeling. Sometimes when we get that feeling, we think, oh, this is it and I need to do whatever I've got to do in order to make this work. Because we have this feeling between us without realizing, okay, that's a great start. But it's certainly not a relationship. And I can feel those feelings with somebody who is not necessarily a good co creating partner for me. And that can be disappointing too because you know, all of the romance novels and songs and say, when I feel this feeling, then we gotta do it, we gotta force it, we gotta push it. You know, love solves all love. Love completes all love completes me. We just do everything we possibly can to maintain this feeling. Without skills, to be honest, we'll always be happy. And we turn that into an idea that if I please you and you please me, we're gonna knock this out of the park. Like, we're gonna be so freaking happy. Then we are so perplexed and we become so hurt and disappointed by when I'm doing everything I can to please you and I don't feel like you're doing it in return. And then I start to make up some really malicious stories about it and then I stop doing it in return because I'm falling apart too. And that's the race to the bottom. And there is no reveal and witness going on there. And by the way, reveal and witness needs to go both directions. We can have one person in a relationship revealing and witnessing, but the other person not able to reciprocate it. Okay, that's going to create a problem. Not going to be able to obtain that sweet spot.

There'll be a significant imbalance. Love Is not precluded from universal principles. It's just kind of in from the newsroom. I know we like to think it is, but it's not. And like Brooks said, that should be good news. Then if we're like, okay, well, that's cool, then I can follow principles. Beautiful. Then we can help scale you up because they say it's the same thing wherever else you've had success. I know I say this all the time, but I really want it to land. If you've had success in other areas, I can promise you, or I would with great assertion that you have followed a consistent long term view and continually looking to improve and invest in your study and your focus. And whatever you're doing, it hasn't happened. By a miraculous wave of the wand. And for whatever reason we seem. Well, no, that's that. And then love. This is where we wave the wand. And if you're blessed to find that special someone, like you and Tom have found each other, you haven't had a freaking problem, Michael. No.

We walk on the beach and we drink wine.

I love this woman, but this is a massive package. And believe me, we work it, man. We working hard because we have this.

Most couples are walking around as two unskilled people trying to figure it out, having no idea that they don't have the skills that make this whole thing work. And frustrated banging their head against the wall that they keep running into the same patterns that they don't know how to break. And I think that's. It's so. It's sad to me, you know, because those same things are what trickle down into then family dynamics and why children have patterns that they don't know how to navigate. And why. Why families grow up and don't speak to each other and why parents who get divorced can't be together for the kid. It. It trickles down into so many different ways because every person that you interact with, your life is a relationship. I want people to know that too. We're not just talking about romantic relationships here. These principles work for every single relationship. Coworker, friend, family member, sibling. Every kind of relationship. Yeah.

So to take you back, I'm gonna forego the name because we want to respect that, of course. But I have to tell you, he was a friend first, and then we ended up striking up a relationship between us. And he was very electrifying, but he was also very complicated. The kind of person who could make you feel like the only one in the room and then disappear into himself without a trace. He wasn't unkind exactly, just unavailable and acted out in ways that had impact. And though I could not understand this at the time, he couldn't listen. He just didn't have the ability to be in the witness position. He had no patience for emotional nuance. And every time I tried to share something very real, something tender or hard for me, he'd shut it down with a joke or a really sharp edge. And so I would just consistently feel very dismissed. But I'll tell you what, the fun, OMG had so much fun. If it was about play, if it was about dancing, if it was about adventures that were spontaneous and mind blowing, like that's your person. And even with all of that, I stayed. And I kept telling myself I was being a good partner, a loyal person, that this was what love required and looked like. That love, real love, was unconditional. So you just needed to learn how to weather the pain and enjoy the good moments and the highs and the adventures and then find somewhere else to maybe share what hurts, what you struggle with. You know, the truth part in that reveal piece. But underneath it all, I gotta be honest. What I was really doing was not just withholding, but I was actually starting to fall apart as a person. And I was holding onto a dream about what we could be, not what is. I believe that if I just loved him long enough, one day he would crack open and one day he'd show up as the person that I just knew he could be. The version I saw in flashes when we were having a good time. The one I built in my imagination. But here's the truth. That day never came. Seven long years later, here's what I came to understand. As long as I clung to the dream of who he could be, I didn't have to face the ache of who he really was. And neither did he. My silence softened the sting of his self centeredness and inability to consider my needs to my hoping let him off the hook for seeing the impact of his absence. And in shielding him from the truth, I denied myself the ability to get my own emotional needs counted as important too. Now listen, I'll be the first person to tell you that change is possible and I still very much believe in that. But true change, the kind that transforms us from the inside out, needs to be pursued by both people, co creating together. It needs honesty. It needs the discomforts to be said. It needs someone, somewhere to disclose what isn't working for them. And we never gave it that. So we stayed in limbo. Him never having to face himself and me never having to dare fully revealing my needs as part of the equation and the relationship. So all of this to say for connection and love to flourish, we need to stay current with each other. Which means the door must swing both ways as we are both very often having two very different experiences through the ups and downs that are inevitable in life and love.

Stay with us. We'll be right back.

You know that awful feeling when your.

Partner says they need space but gives.

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We used to do a webinar where we talked about the five biggest mistakes that people make in relationships and the first one was always stay and pretend an illusion. And I never really understood what you meant by that until right now. Would you say that what you just described is a good example of kind of living and pretend an illusion to keep things going?

Yes. 100%.

Good God. Recall is amazing. I totally forgot about that.

Actually, the pretend and illusion will be inevitable as we cling to the dream and the hope of what could be. And the hope that maybe you'll change or that you'll see the light. Right? If I just force or push or give or please, then finally we're going to get what it is we want out of this.

Well, and you can kind of pretend like, no, I am living in that kind of relationship right now just by clinging to that hope, even though you're suffering so much, you're lying to yourself, but you're doing it to try to save the relationship, but all you're doing is really hurting yourself. Maybe your partner had no idea that you were doing that, but you were doing it for him, to make things more comfortable so that he would stay just, you know, throwing yourself in the soup. All that work, you know.

And I also didn't have to face my own truths. Yeah, right. By hanging on to the dream of what could be, I didn't have to face that for myself as well, which is another huge piece of it. You know, I didn't want to admit that this is the problem or look at the problem long enough to. To be able to have a conversation about it. And. And then if I didn't say anything about it, then he didn't have to address it. And that's what creates the illusion and the pretend as we play it out thinking these wonderful adventures and experiences that we have. You know, that's the mirror, or shall we say that's the curtain that we live behind. And we can all have one of those.

I think it's easier to take that approach.

Yes.

We just need something to add some juice. So we need a dopamine hit kind of a thing. Right. Rather than to truly be able to turn and face and reveal and share and like, oh, man, you know, it's not going well. So most of us, you know, we're under that guise. No, no, this trip here will do it, you know. Well, maybe for the short term fix.

If we buy this.

Yeah.

Then we'll feel okay. Yeah. It'll keep us. We have a baby or buy a house or whatever, or take this trip or start this once.

Once you finish school, you know, everything's gonna be okay.

So it's really easy for us to make up these narratives all behind. But here's the thing I really want to point out. I don't know what would have happened in our relationship, to be honest, if I would have had the ability to say, I don't feel like I have a voice in this relationship at all. And I don't feel like you have the ability to listen. Can we get some help and support with that? Would you be willing to meet me there? Because if not, we all know how this is going to go. If I can't see, say that. And we live in the discomfort of me being brave enough to say it and him being brave enough to hear it and then actually you know, say, yeah, you're right. I do feel like I have a difficult time listening. Then there really is nowhere we can go out of illusion. Like we're. It's going to perpetuate pretend and illusion, even though we deeply love and care about each other.

And I, again, not to be judgmental, but I think that's a lot of people will choose the second option. Like we're just going to continue to pretend and layer, lay on these other things and, you know, a lot of people will stay in that position again. But I think, yeah, you have to be honest how you look at it. Well, that's a true catalytic moment. And as Stace likes to say, I mean, the courage this takes, listener, believe me, we understand this is huge. I can take myself back to my own journey. When Brooke's mom and I were. The amount that I had to gather within myself to do what Stacy's describing and finally turn and say this is not going to work was one of.

The most heartbreaking realizations I think you ever have.

It was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life without question.

Yeah. Why? And I love that idea of we must stay current with each other.

Yeah.

Whatever we're going through, whatever challenges we're face, it's impacting us differently. Very commonly it is impacting us differently. And so that's why reveal and witness is so important. Because if I don't stay current with you, it's so easy for us to slip into pretend and illusion. And I think I've got it all figured out and what's possible. And I cling to the hope and the dream of what could be. Or slip into my, you know, blaming you and making it up that if you were to just change and do it differently, then this would all be great. But there's always a two part in there co creation I want you to think of, like chemistry. There's always a two part. The cause and effect of you and I and how we see things from very different perspectives and how we're impacted differently and uniquely by the challenges emotionally and physically that we face as a couple. And that is so principled. Right. That if we can't wrap our head around this, then we're going to probably live and pretend an illusion because that's the next alternative. Which is fine. But I also just want to explain that's why so few of us get to experience those deep, sweet moments. Right. Where nothing changes. The challenges are still there financially or with the kids or the job or health challenges, etc. Etc, but our ability to weather them by leaning in on that sweet spot is the thing that we all say we want. That is the preciousness of relationships that we are all pursuing. We see, just don't understand what's required of us to experience it.

It's the only way everyone wants to feel seen. That's like the ultimate to feel seen and to be known. That's the ultimate feeling in relationships. And the only way to do it is this. But it's hard. It's hard to do it. Everyone wants to feel seen and be heard without actually sharing. Like they want that feeling. But what they don't realize is that you have to actually share and listen to experience it.

Well, think of how fast paced our lives are now. Unlike ever in history, are we navigating all of life? I mean, in every capacity. So how would we approach that, to navigate that with a set it and forget it type of a process? I mean, you're like that, that, that is absolutely impossible. Stacey and I, we do this in our own family and life and then this is what we're blessed to do for a living. So. And it still challenges the heck out of us.

Well, I love that you said we have to stay current with each other. I think it just speaks to the fact like it's a good reminder, number one, of how often as humans we change our minds or change the way that we feel about something, but we don't really ever share that. And so our partner is operating off of the, you know, the past opinion that we've shared. And then unless we share with them that we've changed or that, you know, we, we think this now, how are they ever supposed to know? You never reach a point where you can stop because you're always evolving, you're always changing. And so just expecting your partner to know or them expecting you to know is just going to lead to the same disappointment that you're frustrated about.

Yeah, absolutely. And here's the kicker. Couples will say to me, oh, I don't have time for that. I don't have time for practice. I don't have time. I mean, Stace, you know, we've got five kids and two jobs, business on the side, and our church service and our neighbors and aging parents, and say, with great love and respect, I hear what you're saying. And that is the challenge of our modern day and age. But you cannot, there will not be a task or a story that you can share that will offset the need to stay current with your partner. And if you don't make the time, you won't have to worry about it because there won't be a relationship. Now, if you guys just want to do logistic team building, who can do what and juggle the tasks of life together, hey, I have no judgment about that. That's okay. A great relationship is great because it works with the two people in it, right? No problem. But if you're wanting deep intimacy in your relationship with your special someone, you're going to have to make time for it and not just a little. You're going to have to allocate that as a priority, maybe at the expense of some things. I'm not saying these are easy choices, but I am just trying to impress upon you that we've got to stop living in the pretend. And the idea that I can have this without allocating the necessary time and skill to have it, and that in and of itself creates a lot of disappointment and heartache because we can't figure out why I can't get this to work. And so I do more of often all the things that are still not going to take me in the direction that I want to go and I can't figure it out. It's just so confusing. Right? So relationships aren't necessarily complex. The problem is we just don't understand how they work. We don't understand the principles and the time requirements and then how to leverage that time requirement to maximize what it is we can create out of it. We got to step out of the fairy tale and pretend an illusion and talk about the reality of what is true so that we can stop the overall struggle and suffering that lasts decades or lifetimes and have more moments that matter to us. More moments where we go, oh, that's so sweet that that is. That's it. I just experienced it. I'm so grateful for that. Otherwise, why are we doing what we're doing? There's nothing more heartbreaking than seeing somebody pour their guts out on the table and then still not understand the principles to help them create what it is they need or want or desire. It would be gut wrenching for somebody to spend 10 years pursuing a doctorate only to get to the end and realize they've been studying mechanics the whole time. Like, what a gut wrenching disappointment. And that's very often where I see our clients and even myself. At one point in time in my life, I was living from that place, just as I've shared. So I want to point out too, I keep saying the door must swing both ways, meaning we've got to Stay current with each other, which means I need to do that by revealing myself with you, and you need to do that back to me. I can't tell you what to reveal or what's true for you. I can only reveal what's true for me. So if only one person reveals, they're going to burn out. If only one person witnesses, they're going to feel like they themselves disappear as part of the relationship. That their thoughts, their needs, etc. Don't matter. So intimate connection requires both people to take turns speaking and being heard, and a couple who deeply loves each other. But every time one tries to express something vulnerable, the other gets defensive or goes silent. The revealer feels dismissed and the listener feels blamed. And over time, the revealer is going to stop talking. And the listener wonders why everything feels so distant. And they are always the person who can't seem to get it right, just not talking anymore. And you see why. Yes, if we can't make any progress in the talking, our wise sense of self then says, stop talking because I don't know what else to do. Like that's going to be the safety valve. Of course you're not going to want to talk. Well, that makes all the sense in the world. But then the connection starts to atrophy there. There is no more staying current with each other. There is no reveal and witness. There is no intimacy. So this is why it turns so commonly into the race to the bottom. What does the race to the bottom look like? Not speaking, holding your thoughts and emotions, taking what is being shared personally, reacting instead of responding, feeling like the problem is the other person or you're trying to fix them. I'm competing for who's trying harder and doing more in the relationship. It turns into this little competition. And it happens because we have a lack of emotional safety. We come to malicious conclusions about each other. We have all kinds of unspoken resentments. We have no understanding of principles and skills to help me get the hell out of this hell that we find ourselves in. And I have no practice and understanding truly what it looks like to navigate difficult things. I have all kinds of ideas about what it's supposed to be and what it should not be. Very often just made up in my own mind. So this is why it's so damn hard and requires skills. And then, not to mention our nervous systems get hijacked and defensiveness and personalization can start to feel safer than vulnerability. And then the body interprets discomfort and danger. So we flee and we fix and we freeze. Most of us were never taught how to reveal and witness. In fact, it could have been perilous to do so. It could have been used as a manipulative weapon in our families of origin or in past relationships. So we exist in this pretend and illusion, just like I did in my own life. For reasons that if we were to tell our stories, would make 100% often.

Say, once you can really, you know, get your arms around what's going on, it all makes sense. Again, don't misunderstand. I'm not saying there's not disappointment and pain and hurt, but it all makes sense with what was going on at the moment. Because you understand, we're usually navigating the best we can with the skills and tools that we have, and there is very little ability to implement, especially when we're really triggered and emotionally upset. That's the Super Bowl.

I love what you said there and I feel like we need to say it again. It really is the truth and the reality that everybody is doing the very best they know how and is really true. There is not a place in the human experience that we want things to go so well than in the relationship realm. I really want you to wrap your head around that. In the relational realm, when it comes to love, we want it to go so well, so much so that we're willing to lie, we're willing to pretend, we're willing to put in and please, we're willing to hold things that are very hard and painful to hold. Why? Because I want it to go so well. I don't want to face the reality of what is why? Because I want it to go so well. I want it to be this incredible thing. And so we really do put our best efforts forward when we are attempting to save, rebuild, understand relationships. And so could we just give everybody an all pass for a minute? Like we're all really doing the very best we know how. And so it breaks down because we really don't understand relationships. We don't study it even as much as, like learning how to garden or fix a car or a whole host of other simple things that have required our time and attention to learn and.

Master well, and because we don't, that's why even you're coming from that sweetheart message in place at some point, as we use a metaphor, your emotional gas tank is going to run out because you're going against principle. It's none of us have an unlimited emotional Runway to where if there's no deposits going in and all we're doing is, you know, expending Bending. I mean, it'd be no different than if you expect your car or whatever you drive, if you've never added fuel to it that. Well, no, let's just keep going. Well, no, if you never put something in it, it's not. If it's going to stop, it will stop.

Even if you run it through the car wash. Oh, yeah, exactly. To have it detailed and got new tires, whatever.

If you didn't put anything in them, make it. So really that's. That's why we use that analogy. If you didn't put more fuel in whatever you drive, is it safe to say it would stop? Oh, gosh, Tom, of course. Well, as we are as humans, not maybe not quite as predictable how it's going to stop, but we are going to either be a proactive stop or there'll be a catalytic moment where you're done.

And it does not mean the person who is out of gas didn't love.

You and didn't care.

It is not because they didn't love you and didn't care. It was because they ran out of emotional gas. So I want to leave you with some micro practices that you can attempt to try in your own life to get the door swinging again. Okay. Just some simple little things that you can step in in a courageous moment and try. The first one I'm going to give you is for the revealing side and I'm going to encourage you to find something that you feel brave enough to say and start it like this. This is really hard for me to say, but it matters to me and I care so much. So I need to say it, preface it with acknowledging the importance that it is for you and see if it can be witnessed as you preface it that way. This is hard for me to say, but it matters so much to me and it's going to affect us and it needs to be said. Are you in a place to listen and just see if they'll meet you there?

You're giving it an opportunity for it to be successful. You're acknowledging the difficulty, I mean, in so much of what we coach and mentor teach. These are not like, they are simple things that make a huge difference done consistently. That's really how. And most people, again, like, my gosh, this is why don't I know this? How many times have we heard that, why don't I know this? They almost get incredulous, like, why have I never been told this before? I'm not really sure, but we're happy that you're hearing it now. So that's Stacy like you could put what can you imagine what you can put at the end of what Stacy just encouraged you to say. I mean any place where you're really struggling to not to not reveal it. So think of fertilization, put some water. I mean those of you, the garden, I mean Stacy, I mean she's out there watering those plants in the morning and at night and I mean so it's given an opportunity to be successful that's we have to get more practical. I think we tried a very practical approach to this, this. So it's not so mysterious and outlandish. No, this is very practical skill based approach which much people appreciate because all of us have the opportunity to get our arms around it. It's not secret. Maybe in some places it is, but not with us.

Well and also in the review, one more that you can use is reassure somebody that look, this doesn't have anything to do with you or I'm not blaming you, this isn't your fault. You're not responsible for the way that I'm feeling. I just want a chance to express, express it to you. This is what I'm experiencing. So you can preface it by reassuring them that this is not your fault. This is not me blaming you. This is not me complaining. This is just me sharing my experience with you. Are you in a place to hear it? And that invitation on the end is really important. Are you in a place to hear it?

What if they say no?

Then you respect that then and, and you observe it like okay, that's the witnessing piece. If they're in a place no. What could you tell me when you might be ready to. Because I think this is important for us.

And then how about say, well, can you give me a little bit idea about what we're talking here?

I can say yeah again, when you're ready to talk about it. I'd love to. I want us to have the time and the attention and I want us to be able to slow down. That's my request. And it doesn't have to be this big dun dun dun thing, you know, and you can even reassure them of that. Look, this isn't a big dun dun dun thing. It's just something I'd really like you to understand and know about me. Why is that important by the way? Listener, it's important because it's going to affect how you show up in the relationship. That's why you can even say that. Listen, I have something I just need to get off my chest because my concern is it's going to impact the way I show up in our relationship and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that person. And heaven only knows you don't need it. So could we just find a time where I can share some things with you? It's nothing I want you to fix. I just. I just need you to hear me on the witnessing side. When somebody does come to you with something like this, as hard as it might be for you to jump into judging it or fixing it or problem solving it, unless you've been asked for that, just say thank you so much for trusting me with that. I hear you. I'm here. Or you could say, how can I support you with this? Please share with me how I can support. If there's anything I can do, let me know. Let it be. We don't have to do anything with it. I think Brookie said this in the beginning of the podcast. 67% of everything we experience doesn't need to be solved. It just needs to be shared.

Just revealed and witnessed.

Yes. And then both of you breathe and be slow and intentional. I'm going to encourage you to stay in the conversation. Don't interrupt, speak when it's your turn. Pursue the understanding. Instead of casting judgment or sharing your perspective, just witness and pause the conversation if you need to. Because somebody is spinning up or shutting down, doesn't know what to do. It's better for you to pause and come back than it is for you to try and force everyone through a conversation that nobody wants to have. Think of conversations as rounds of workout and each one is going to shed a little more light on. Are we current with each other? Where are you at? This is where I'm at. Be slow and steady about it Inside the Better Love Club. These aren't just ideas we practice. These are skills that we live every single week with real people doing real emotional push ups. So whether you're navigating a relationship on the brain, building trust, or learning to connect more deeply with a new partner, we help you build the habits that support the connection that you so crave. And because you're a Love Shack live listener, you'll receive 15% off your first month when you use the code LOVE SHACK.

15.

Join us at thebetterloveclub.com so as we wrap up this episode, we're going to do a little bit of Follow the fun I call Reveal Roulette. Here's a little something to help you practice the loop of connection in revealing and witnessing in a way that's low stakes, a little silly and sneakily very deep. And here's how it works. You gotta have a partner for this exercise. So grab a partner. A friend. I guess you could use a journal if you're flying solo. That would work. I want you to pick a number from one to six. Or you can roll a dice if you have one. Okay. Use the number to answer one of the prompts below. And if you're doing this with your someone, one of you reveals the other witnesses. No fixing, judging or rescuing, just listening. You go to a different number. I personally love a dice for this, but you can just pick a number from 1 to 6 if you want to. So you might have to replay this a couple of times to get the prompts and or you it'll be in the transcript. Yep. Brooke, Number one is something small that's been bothering me lately is Number two is if you really knew me right now, you'd know that I'm feeling fill in the blank. Three is one thing I wish I could say out loud more often is four is here's something I pretend doesn't matter to me, but it really does. Oh that's good. 5. A moment this week when I felt disconnected was. And 6 is one thing I'm afraid you might misunderstand about me is okay. Remember connections. It grows through brave moments of truth telling and safe grounded witnessing this follow the fun gives you a taste of both. We want more real talk practices like this. If you do, then come on over and join us inside of the better love club. Because that's where we're building connections one skill at a time. Not just a goal, but a lived weekly experience. Our song for this week is a song from a little ways back. But you know, I chose it because I think it really captures the ache of one sided emotional effort and the door swinging only one direction when someone is trying to connect with another that can't seem to create it or be met there. And this song is I can't make you love me by Bonnie Ray. That's all right. I can't make you love me.

No one's going back.

I know it makes me hurt back too. You can listen to this week's song along with the entire relationship playlist by going to our website stacybartley.com or searching up our playlist on Spotify Love Shack Life playlist. It's been a pleasure to be here with you today. I hope that some of the things that we've talked about has shed some insight and answered some questions that perhaps you've been carrying around on your heart. And if this conversation moved you, helped you feel a little more seen, or gave you something to think about, please consider sharing it with someone you care about. That's how this podcast grows, from heart to heart, story to story, human to human. And if it's helped you, please consider living us a review as well. We would so appreciate that. We're so grateful and honored to be a part of your relationship journey. And remember this as we close, because it's something we all need to hear more often. Love isn't built by avoiding the hard stuff. It's built by learning how to move through it together. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.