#236: Have You Lost Yourself in the Space? (Find Out Which Survival Pattern You’re In)

Have you ever stood in the kitchen staring at your phone, wondering if they'll actually text back? And feeling like your entire sense of self is hanging in the silence? You replay old conversations, rewrite new ones. Try to stay calm, kind, steady, while quietly falling apart inside. If this sounds familiar, this episode is for you. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone who is navigating relationship limbo. To those of you at the crossroads, where the emotional distance keeps growing, growing, the conflict feels constant, and you're still holding on to hope that your connection could feel real again. I'm your host, Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor and emotional skill builder. Alongside of me is my wonderful partner in life, Tom, and our daughter, Brooke. Together, we guide real conversations about the hard, beautiful, messy work of relationships, of love. And together, we help you stop spiraling, start understanding, and build the emotional strength to move forward in your life. Today, we're asking a big question question. What happens to your identity when someone you love asks for space? We've created a brand new quiz to help you answer that. Not with judgment, but with clarity. And in this episode, we'll unpack the four emotional patterns that show up during separation and how you can begin to steady yourself no matter what happens next. So let's do this.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

I want to start by saying we have a brand new website and it's live right now. Like, I know that some of you will understand what an undertaking this is. And to be perfectly frank, I don't know that we as a team understood what a wonderful undertaking it was when we said, yeah, let's do this. And I must give credit where credit is due. Brooke was the one that kind of laid the hammer down and says, we're going to do this. We're going to do it right now. And I don't think she even understood what she was saying. And as shady was all in the idea, as is the case in life and love, it's good that we don't know what we're signing up for at the moment. We feel impassioned about something and having to travel into a new direction because if we did, we probably wouldn't venture there. Would that be fair to say? 100%. It's good we don't know that we're really taking on the vastness of what's required when we go, yeah, we're going to do this. Or you say, hey, I'm going to start this new thing. I'm going to do this thing. I'm going to Venture, and it's always.

Going to take longer than you thought. Brooke, when did you think you would be done? When did you think you would be done?

I thought I would be done in May.

And here we are.

When did we start? When did we.

We started April, and I was on the phone with mom, too, when she said, do it. And I said, I promise I'm not going to take a long time. I'm going to do this faster than anyone has ever done anything in their life. And she said, I know you are. And here we are July 31st.

Tomorrow's August 1st.

It's been four months, and to be fair, I don't think I could have done it a second faster, because with what has transpired as a team and all the things we've uncovered, it's been work that we've needed to do for a long time. We just never had the time, and we never were able to stop and do it. And stopping and doing it has been tough, and it taught us a lot of lessons and allowed us to have some invaluable reflection and discovery around the work that we do that we've just really never allowed ourselves to do before because we're always having our heads down and trying to help as many people as we can. But I just think it's pretty funny in coming up with the idea for today's episode, that is literally the only thing we want our clients to do, to reflect on themselves, give themselves the space to explore and let their thoughts out and let their feelings out and really figure out what they want and how they want to do this and what's going to be the way that's going to serve you. And that's the one thing we never allowed ourselves to do. You know what I mean?

Well, we thought we were just going to redesign a website. And if we compare this to the work that we do, we really help couples say, oh, we're just going to do this little course or do this little package of sessions. And they don't realize that they're literally redesigning the way that they love each other. One as we look at this project of redesigning our website, Brookie, as you've so eloquently coined, it's our emotional home base. It really is in a layer of what it is we're asking people to do and that we do as humans all the time, where in order to navigate to a new place, it's kind of like we've got to redesign ourselves and where we're going and why we're Going there first, and then we can navigate to wherever it is we want to go. And we have to ask ourselves, does this reflect me? Does this take me in the direction that I want to go in my life? And does this help me become who it is I internally feel I have the capacity and desire to come? And all of that becomes expressed in whatever it is we are sharing or creating or showing up as in the world. The website is your version of that. It's your interpretation of our work together, but the interpretation of the work that we do. And so we really did redesign our emotional home base. And it's such a reflection of the many times in our human journey we do this again and again and again and again. We just didn't realize it was going to be yet another experience of what that looks like in business.

But.

But the process is so much the same. It brings us to an evaluation of who are we? What do we stand for? What do we believe in? We want to showcase, who do we need to become? And how do we express that in the world in which I live? And those are the very same things I would say, if we were looking at relationships and supporting our clients or. Or any goal or endeavor that we step into as a human being. We're having to start the process from the very same place. And it's interesting that even us involved in the work that we do had kind of lost sight of that. We were just going to redesign website and that was that. And it was going to be done in 30 days. And. And then you. Wow. You start to dig into a whole host of things internally. You want to talk about a co creation. This is a co creation that the three of us bring together. And it's an expression of all those parts and places and spaces and the role in which we all play so beautifully displayed in Brookie's words and in her graphic art. And so I couldn't be more tickled. It's really difficult for me in this moment, particularly to talk about it without getting emotional, because she nailed it. It's so out of the park. Such a grateful depiction of us emotionally in the words and in the pictures that she's used and how she articulates things that we are so impassioned about sharing with you, our listeners, in these very challenging places, but done a beautiful job with also communicating the hope, the joy, the possibility, the potential that we all have inside of us as a human being. So.

And I would just stack on that is I. I am grateful that I'm not sure how or why? But we were able to not con Brookie put the most amount of pressure anyone would ever put on this. So why would it matter if we put more pressure on her? And by the grace of God, universal spirit, Stacy and I didn't stack onto that. I just said, babe. And believe me, ladies and gentlemen, there'd be a lot of reasons why I could stack on pressure on my daughter. And I would ask you to challenge yourself if you find yourself in this place now, because we know we've worked with hundreds of people in navigating space and separation. Like, you guys don't get it. That's the last thing I can do, is step into your roadmap. Yes, you do.

Well, Dad, I think sometimes I feel like I can complete your sentences because I know the point you're trying to make, but I don't feel like you've finished it. What?

Please finish it.

And that lesson that dad just talked about, where I had the weight of the world on my shoulders because I know how important it was for me to get this website done as fast as I possibly could. And I knew my parents purposely were not putting pressure on me, but also I knew that they're counting on me. So it was a very tenuous situation. Not. Not, like, emotionally. Like, we could talk about it however much we wanted to, but I just felt that it's important. So I would like to impress upon you that your partner probably feels that, too. If you are in a situation where they know that they need to change this one thing that's really hanging you guys up in your relationship, especially when it comes to space and separation, or you've agreed to allow them space and you're like, please, God, I hope they're going to take this space and do what they need to do. They have the pressure. Okay? So you continually checking on them or being like, how's that thing going? Are you doing the work you need to do or it's not. They don't. They're not sitting there in their bed, wherever they are, being like, oh, you know, I'm just relaxing. I'm on vacation. While you're holding down the fort? No, the pressure is probably so immense that it's making it impossible for them to do the thing they actually need to do because they can't let the pressure up enough for them to feel what? Like, imagine changing in your relationship or fixing in your relationship. Make it comparable to the creative process, okay? Because recreating something, you're changing something, you're doing something new, and that's uncomfortable but you can't experience the feelings that you need to have. Creativity, joy, you know, hope, hope lighting up about the prospect of making something better. In a place of extreme pressure and anxiety, nothing is less conducive. There was a period of time, like a couple of weeks during this website redesign, where I got nothing done. And my parents know that because I would come to the meetings with nothing to show them, and I would maybe like, be like, oh, I have this one idea that I'm going to talk about for 10 minutes. So you guys maybe get mystified by the fact that I haven't done any work. It wasn't because I was procrastinating. It was because the amount of pressure was too high for me to be able to perform under those circumstances. The same thing is true in relationships. If the pressure is so intense, there is going to be no change, no redesigning, no recommitting. That's not the environment that helps those things come true, which is you coming back together, you changing for the better together. I understand that what I'm saying is hard and that it's the opposite of what comes naturally in this situation. What comes naturally is pressure and demanding and saying, you better change or else, you know. So I just think this is a really beautiful lesson that's come out of this that I think will resonate with you guys.

100 well, and there's pressure on both sides. Right. The person who's kind of floating and saying, okay, I'm hanging out here. Show me the magic while trying. Keep everything spinning back here while you try and get into your zone.

Yes.

Figure some things out. And there's a tremendous amount of risk, and there's a tremendous amount of faith in each other that's required, but also faith in ourselves that we can actually do it. So we had to have faith in ourselves that we could figure out how to just kind of stand by and keep things spinning as we needed to. Because with a website down and one that you're redesigning, you know, you can't do a lot of things. You know, it's not like you can run ads, you can't really market.

Like, came to a halt.

Yes, 1,000%. And so then you're just kind of relying on what you have at the moment to kind of see you through. And so everybody steps into this place of faith and just think to yourself, how is that, like, the relationship journey? Like, you've got to have a tremendous amount of faith that we're going to figure this out, and I'm going to do my part, you're going to do yours. Even amongst the floundering and the doubt and the fear and the insecurity. And believe me, we've been writing that teeter totter as well, which reminds us of the noble, honorable work that we get to support people through as we remember what it feels like in our own way. It's interesting.

Let me just share one very vulnerable thing that I think people will really relate to. There was a week, two weeks ago where I came to the table and I had nothing to show my parents. I did. I didn't. Like, I had one page, I think.

And I talk about not your homework ready, huh? Like, not going to your class. And I don't have the homework, man.

And I was very honest about it, and I explained all the reasons why I was struggling. But I saw the look in mom 2's face, which I knew she wasn't mad at me. She was just disappointed. Like, gosh, I wish this could get done faster. Like, just frustration, because I had it, too. But the gift of the situation was me, number one, knowing that I can tell my parents anything. And even if they're disappointed in me in that moment or, you know, a little upset or annoyed or frustrated with me getting nothing done, that it wasn't going to change the foundation of our relationship. And they weren't going to fire me. They were going to be like, you know, we have that contract between the three of us that we know we can do that. So having that safety meant I'm going to. Like, I was talking to myself all night, guys. I could barely sleep. I was like, I'm going to come to that table tomorrow and I'm going to have nothing to show them. And I just have to be okay with that. Like, I could make up a story, I could spin some narrative, but I'm going to take a chance and have courage and admit that I'm struggling. And this is why. And here's what I have to show to you. And guys, mom, too wilted in that meeting like a flower. And at the end of it, she wasn't herself. And I asked her and she said, I'm okay. But I knew something was wrong. You know, I didn't even really needed her to say it because I knew exactly what she was thinking, why she was frustrating. The reason why I'm saying this is because I could imagine the same conversation happening in Space and Separation, where the partner who's taking space comes back to the table for the maybe the monthly check in and has to say, I'm still in the same fucking spot. I have no answers to why I need space. I'm still feeling frustrated. I'm still not ready to come back to the table. I'm struggling with feeling emotionally safe, with feeling defensive, with feeling all of these things. And I don't know when I'm going to be ready. And that's what I have to tell you this week. Like, that's, that's my check in with you. And let me just say, if you can have a meeting like we had, where you accept it, you hear it, but also you kind of show that you're disappointed, you know, like, oh, that really is a punch to the gut to hear this because I really wasn't expecting you to say this. I was expecting you have more to give to me. But I get it, you know, like, I can't force you to be where you're not. So that's just what we have. Like those check ins. I couldn't shake the feeling of disappointing my parents for like three days after it. Even though, like I said, there was no blow up. They were saying, brooke, it's fine, we get it. Yeah, you're struggling. Yeah, we wish you were further along, but it is what it is. I'm saying this because those moments of laying it all on the table and having the extreme vulnerability and being crucially, radically honest about where you are, the feelings that I felt of that, of feeling uncomfortable with it, of being disappointed in myself, of being disappointed and not having anything to show them, but also being proud of myself for being honest about where I was. That was the only thing that was going to get me to go to the next place, which was then completing the website in three weeks, faster than I had been able to do anything prior to that. It was like that was the thing that I needed to do. I needed to have that moment with myself and with the people that were counting on me and just laying it all out, laying it bare and having them be disappointed in me and me being able to say I need to take accountability and I need to be the kind of person that doesn't come to the table with nothing because that's not who I am. I needed to have all of those feelings and share them and have it reflected back at me to get to the next place. And so what I'm saying is sometimes when you're experiencing space and separation and you're waiting for that next meeting because that's going to be the thing that gets you through and then you're extremely disappointed by the meeting that you've had. Sometimes that's the thing that's going to get you to move to the next spot where you need to recover from this situation.

No, that's incredibly well shared. And I will just let you know, listener, you know how many times we've heard that shared in the roadmap in our prior roadmaps, when what Brookie just described happened. And then they have the community to remind them, it's okay, just continue to do what you're going to do, create that permission and emotional safety and trust the process. So it's hard to do it on your own. It really is. Because you think, like, all is lost. No, it's not. It's a disappointment, absolutely. But it's not all lost.

Well, here's the other distinction that I want to showcase from the other side. If there's a person that you love and know, as Brookie has outlined, you also know where they tend to beat themselves up. And so there's not so much a disappointment in the project, but a heartache, because you know what they're struggling with internally on their own, and you're trying to save them from it. You're trying to find the thing that you can say that will help them move along. And then we might even have a tendency to be tempted to punish them, to get them to that disappointment place faster without realizing. That huge distinction that I want to paint here is that if they don't come to that place on their own, bearing it all on the table on their own, not that anybody has to hide how they feel and what they're thinking, if it's inflicted, then they become defensive about it and it can turn into more conflict as opposed to holding the space to allow them to come to that place of disappointment on their own. And I think that's a huge place of distinction that I really want to point out here, because as Tom has already mentioned. But I just want to highlight again, two things are playing out on our side of the table. Not disappointment in Brooke's ability, not even disappointment in her talent and her ability. There's a heartache in knowing that she's going to hold herself to such a high standard, she's going to whip her own fanny. And how do I keep her from doing that? That's the conversation of prolonging the process. Like, if I could just help her see that I believe in her and that I know she can do it and we can do it, it's going to be okay. And then I'm cheering her on and I won Thousand percent believe and have faith in her ability to pull this off. There's no doubt whatsoever. But I know she's going to hold herself to this very high expectation, and she's going to hold herself into this place of doubt. Is it good enough? Is it going to knock it out of the park? It is the best expression of who it is I want us to all be collectively, and how do I help her with that? And then, yes, there's the disappointment of, like, come on, we got to get going. We can't hang out here forever. And the idea of, if I inflict disappointment, will it take us to where it is we need to go? And the answer is always no. I cannot punish somebody enough because the punishment that they're inflicting on themselves when they love and care about each other is way over the top in regards to anything that you're possibly feeling. And I needed to continuously remind myself of that.

And here I sit, Mr. Tom in the middle, because Brooke is biological. And then I got. You know, to be fair, though, I have to be very mindful and respectful and careful and transparent where I find myself. And so I just. What I did, I said, honey, I can promise you Brookie is aware. It was just like my broken. We call that a broken record.

Help her get over the fact that it doesn't have to be perfect and that. That she already knows and that I believe in her.

She knows all that.

You know, maybe if she could just get that message, then it would happen faster.

This is what you want to say to the person that's at your partner or husband or spouse or wife that, no, you don't. You know what?

Let me tell you what I would have thought if you guys sent me that message, okay? Because I first would have said, of course they're sending this out of goodness in their hearts, like, because we just have that understanding between the three of us. It's never. We're never passive aggressive with each other. We're never manipulative. We never do that to each other. So I would have first said, okay, they're sending this out of the goodness of their hearts to reassure me. But also then I would have beat myself up for. I don't know how for so, so long, because these are the two people in the world that I want to disappoint the least. And I would have known by you guys sending that that I was. And I already knew I was, because I already knew I was taking way longer than it should have because of the reasons you just listed of wanting it to be perfect and wanting you guys to be blown away and. And spending 75 hours on a stupid section of one of the pages. So all. Yeah, you nailed it. All of that was happening. And I. If you guys would have sent that to me, it would have made me had a full blown crash out. Like, not to you, but inside myself.

So use that parallel listener wanting to do that. Here's what we hear all the time. Tom I. Or Tom Stacy Burke. I just want to send this one last thing because I know he or she. No, you don't. With a great. Do not send. No, I just need to say or text one more thing. No, you don't. It's that strong of an urge because we help people through it all the time, guys. We do.

To be fair, they nailed my parents. Nailed it because the fact that they weren't doing that allowed me so much more space in myself to be able to get this done, even though it was slow as hell. I know, guys, they are counting on me and I know they're like, okay, another day is passing. We've heard nothing from you. What the hell is going. I already have that playing in my head 24 7. But the fact that I could pick up my phone and see that there wasn't frantic text messages from them allowed me the space I needed to create, you know?

And is that going to be hard for you to do? Yes, it is. That's why I'm not pitching my program. I'm sharing with you. Because we've worked. They say, guys, you got to help me. Like, please help me understand why I shouldn't send this or call my like. And so we walk you through that. Was it hard for me not to tell my daughter, like, get your shit together?

Yes.

But I knew, like, there's no reason.

My dad was thinking that, too.

Oh, my God.

I said, honey, I would just say, lily. Broken record, babe. We've got to give Brookie the time. I know this is driving us crazy, but there's nothing else we can do.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but a couple of times I shocked you guys by sending you messages that were just, like, explaining the things that I was learning about myself in the process. And that gave you some gas to keep going.

And I think you'll hopefully listen. You'll be as excited as we are. Brookie just gave it show it. And, you know, with the release of this podcast, this site is going to be live. And so please reach out and give Ricky some love, would you please?

As her father, we forget that whatever we step in to express ourselves through that there is a creative process and an evolution process in any growth or accomplishment of X, Y or Z that has to unfold. And so I guess we're sharing this with you to help you understand that we just relived what many of you are feeling right now and that we support people with in the roadmap because we together had to slow down, get honest and re center ourselves around clarity, calm and emotional strength and conviction of what it is we want to create together as a team, as a person and as a business and body of work. And that takes all of those things. It's the same shift that we make inside of the roadmap where we do those same simple principles and you know, even I forgot until we're in it what the steps are that are required to reinvent yourself in some form or fashion, whatever the fill in the blank is learning something new, redesigning your website, repositioning yourself in the branding, marketing space. It's amazing how all of those emotional experiences and nuances are very similar, especially when you're working as a team. So we had to practice letting go of old stories and getting honest about what was no longer working and rebuilding from a place of inner truth, not only just for ourselves, but honoring others truths and fears and doubts and insecurities as they were coming along for the ride. And these things are never timely or convenient or without a price. That wisdom and that learning and that growth is always earned by walking and running the miles. And it was just a few days ago when we received a text message from Brooke and she said, I've done it. It's complete. And it's the most beautiful, complicated, complex, big thing I've ever created in my life. I went, oh, this is going to be epic. This is going to be really good. And. And how I celebrated with her in her own learning and growth that she can do projects like this, that she can feel accomplished and she can give herself some acknowledgment and some credit for the miles that she's run in this place in space, as well as us being able to find a good foundation to stand on in the support of that incredible celebration.

I'm going to give the business disclaimer. Now, Brooke's not for hire either. Just in case you're one. Yeah, she's very attractive, but she's not for hire. So maybe consult, but she's not for hire. She's up for collaboration.

So here's the thing that we don't commonly think about in the places of space and separation, when your person pulls away, it doesn't feel like just silence. It feels like the ground disappears underneath you and. And there's this moment of panic, right? This is a whole experience that's going to touch every aspect of your life from the career to the home chores, getting done to the job, the bills, the dog, the pet, the yard, the children, all of them are going to be touched. Like it's a full body experience. And the brain and the body are wired to respond to this disconnection as a survival threat. And this is the place where we commonly have to kind of learn how to regulate ourselves. Hang in the unknown for a minute and I just want to propose the idea that the unknown is this place where new possibilities emerge. Yes, you don't know how it's going to play out or how much time it's going to take, or what's going to be actually required of everyone in order to travel to a new and a different place. But if you can trust this place and space inside of yourself, beautiful things can emerge and manifest through hanging out in the unknown. And so often we hold the unknown without all the answers and the timelines and the strategies and the specifics and logic logistics of it all, all charted out on a graph paper. We have a heck of a time just trusting the process that if I just do my part and find my foundational place and believe in our ability to accomplish this, that good things can come out of that as a result. Because that is the beginning of new things.

Well, it's your nervous system doing its job. It really is. I mean, it's the same response as other traumatic situations that's going on when you've been usually the receiver of that request for space. So a very natural response that you're navigating. It really is.

And without tools and skills and support, it can be really, really challenging to find the breaks. And that's where the road map comes in. This work isn't about fixing relationships, it's about stabilizing you so that you can respond with self respect instead of survival mode. Going back to the Share about the website and us reliving this in our own personal space and place. Yes, the circumstances and the storyline is different, but the emotional experience and impact is so similar. But I think it blew us all away. Like this is where we serve in the relationship space and yet we're being reminded yet again in our own lives of what that feels like and what that takes and how to stabilize ourselves in the unknown. Trusting and Relying that we'll get through it somehow, but not having any idea in regards to what that looks like. Just having to trust ourselves to figure it out and trust in the process itself.

And also, I've never related to the person who's asked for space before ever, because I've never been the one to.

Do it until now.

You know what I mean? Like, it gives me a whole, like, I, I too would get frustrated with our clients. Like, God, I don't know. Why aren't they doing the thing you're asking them to do? Well, now I know because it's not as easy as it looks.

Well, that's a good distinction, bro. I would just say if you can always just err on extending more grace and more understanding. My experience, and I'm older than most of us and our listeners, is it usually has worked out. It's always has worked out favorably. Has it been hard? Unbelievably hard. Because you are so certain that this is what I have found in the wisest people that I have learned from and studied and read. They're usually people of few words but significant demonstration. They're centered and they're grounded and then they're foundationally rooted in places that really serve the whole. This takes reps. We talk a lot about emotional push ups. To not say something is a significant emotional push up. I mean, that's huge because you're so sure that this one last thing is going to change the entire trajectory of where you're at and no, it won't.

Well, you guys basically have had to have your foot on your emotional gas pedal for four months straight. You know, like really, you've. You guys have. And I said this in the text to them after that stressful meeting that we had where I saw the disappointment. I said the next day, I know that you guys have kept the plate spinning for the past four months and I feel that every single day. I just want you to know it because I didn't want them to think like I'm in some. I know they didn't, but I just make it extra clear that I'm not in some la la land thinking that they were the ones that had it easy. We both were struggling during this past four months a lot.

And you know, using. Great, great share, Brooke. So it is with you. And yes, again, if you're the receiver of the space or if you've asked, I mean, you've got to understand both people are navigating a significant emotional fricking tsunami.

Very different.

But not to discount how Significant. It is, yeah. And so we're usually judging how we are viewing him or her. Oh, they seem to be doing fine. We have no fricking idea how they're doing because we don't have the intel.

Yeah. This is just so profound in the conversation that's coming up again and again today. And that incredible nuanced distinction of disappointment. What is it? Well, it's when two realities collide and the reality of what is with no answers, no solutions has to be faced. And if we punish someone for being in this space of disappointment, it will not benefit anyone, I'm saying. And doing things to punish you that I'm not going to feel good about. And the person who is being punished because I'm panicking is going to implode on themselves as if they aren't already. And I think that's really, really important for us to understand that this played out the way it did and will for you too, if you can allow us to stumble upon our own disappointments at our own pace. Because it's part of the unfolding of ourselves. And I can't be ready any faster than I can grow. You know, much like a flower, if you force it to blossom before it's ready, you tear it. And so it is for ourselves that in this unfolding, right, in this discovery and expansion of ourselves, if we punish it, we prevent it from truly unfolding and we tear it and destroy the very thing that we are saying we want to have happen. And geez, when you think you have the answers or think, you know how long it's supposed to take and what the process is, even though you're the one that's not doing it, we can feel that installing a little bit of push or punishment, you know, punishment and push, they're not too far from each other. We think, oh, then they'll see the light. This will help. It will move it along. It will help them understand what it is they need to do. Believe me, they probably know more about what needs to be done than you think they do. And what needs to happen is they need to be cheered on and supported and trusted that I will do my best to unfold as quickly and honorably as I possibly can as you hold the space for me to do so. And you see, everybody has to do an emotional pushup. It's an expansion process, a growth process for everyone involved. And it's going to take us to the brink of what we think we can do. And yet beyond that is the beauty of what can be. And that's really important that we see that distinction. So to help us with kind of seeing where we are right now in this beautiful, messy struggle of heartbreak and disappointment and frustration. All things are so much in that bouquet of life. We've created a new quiz. And this isn't a gimmick or a trick, but we hope that it will be a helpful tool for you to essentially look in the mirror and see where you are in regards to how you're showing up at this moment in time. It's a way that you can see how you've been coping and maybe some things that you can do right now to find that place of foundation so that I can do my emotional pushup and not step into those places of punishment because of the fear, the doubt, the disappointment that is very, very real and playing out right now. So when someone asks for space, we created it so that the person on the receiving end, as they start to spin and spiral and question and wonder, they get a sense of trying to stay connected to all that is kind of falling apart within themselves. And what we see over and over again in people losing touch with themselves in this process is just that they don't know where to stand and how to rudder themselves. And so in that place, the fear and panic will often increase and so they'll end up doing something or saying something that then they later regret and that then prolongs the places and spaces that we absolutely can go. We just need to learn how to navigate there together. And so the quiz isn't about slapping a label on anyone. It's literally about holding up a curious, very kind lens to say what's happening inside me and what would support look like for me right now so that I can take this very important path to exploring and understanding what it is we are to become next, not only collectively, but individually as well. It is the same beautiful, messy unfolding that happens even when you're rebranding your website. Come to find out.

Just thought we would throw that added component to the whole redesign. Berki, by the way, in addition to doing everything else, go ahead and create a brand new quiz on top of that as well. So. Oh, sure, yeah. And we're going to do all that in one month.

Please, by the way, forget the sequence of emails that comes after that, the thank you page. And oh, by the way, don't forget the shopping cart and how you. Oh, we got a few promos we want to add and some special extensions and we got four or five tiers here. Said, oh, and then could you give Us the list of people that we need to reach out for. Oh, and could you. Yeah, it goes on and on and.

It looks as okay, but that can.

Feel like okay, what are you going to do about the kids? And what about the finances and the money and you know, when are you going to stop drinking less and pull your shit together and did you schedule the appointment for your individual therapy session? And can the dog come over and, and hey, I've had enough of your ass. You can come over for the weekend, take care of all, I mean, and don't forget to mow the grass and take out the trash. And you know, it's so similar. It is so similar. So I want to give you a moment to meet the four archetypes of the quiz very quickly. We'll run through this pretty quickly just to give you kind of like a little taste of the quiz itself and what it could potentially do for you. These four archetypes show up consistently when people are navigating relationship space. They're patterns of emotional coping. When we feel emotional pain and disappointment and there's no right or wrong, one is not inferior or superior to the other. It's our ways of coping with this very real and significant disappointment and heartache and the panic and the fear that can ensue as a result of not knowing how to navigate.

So it gives the quiz takers somewhat of a baseline because guys, I didn't know anything about this about tells you.

It gives a name to the way, to the style in which you're coping with your partner asking you for space.

Okay, there we go.

That's. And then it will help you understand how to foundationally ground yourself so that you can find a place to do that emotional push up without panic and disappointment, regret. So the first one I'm going to talk about is the over functioner. This is a person who does it all. I mean literally the texting, the caretaking, the cleaning, the overanalyzing, this person absolutely creates an experience where the idea is if I take care of everybody around me, then everybody will be happy and better off for it. And the problem with that is you manage everything except for your own sense of well being. And that includes physically and emotionally. Like I'm, I'm literally running around sacrificing myself for the good and the benefit of others. I mean it's really a sweet idea.

But there's a limited Runway there.

I fall apart myself. And it's often rooted in the long held rules of being the fixer, the doer. So you're masterful at keeping multiple balls in the air and care for yourself is something that you'll give yourself as soon as everyone else is okay. But what you find is that not everyone is okay long enough for you to be able to do what you need to do or understand or gain calm or clarity or a sense of foundation for yourself. And so all the plates just keep spinning and never enough time.

There's never the time. There's windows never created.

Yeah, exactly. And so you can't figure out why it is you're falling apart and why you're reacting. And this is places and spaces where we often do what I call become a monster of myself. Because I'm so angry and upset and disappointed in how this is all going. I can become exceptionally angry about the fact that there's never anything that I can do for myself, and I'm doing all this for you. Why can't I get a moment? Why can't I get a break? Why can't I get a hall pass? Why can't I get some grace? You know, so there can be massive emotional explosions as I'm running around trying to care for somebody else, thinking at some point in time, that's going to give me what it is I need most. And. And you find out, become angry that it. That it doesn't. The next one is the ghost of yourself and.

And.

And this one, boy, it nails it. We become ghosts to ourselves because we've gone quiet to avoid making things worse. And all of these, I want you to see, have such a sweetheart message to it, depending on how we're interpreting what needs to be done and the greatest contribution that I can make to the whole. And so I go quiet, not because I don't have things to say and things that are not disappointing or a struggle or a challenge for me, but because I really don't want to make things worse. And by doing that, we often don't realize or understand that then I begin to shrink. And in my own experience of myself, I lose touch of that. I lose sight of that. It just kind of drifts away in that ghosting experience where I go, like, what happened? Where did I go? How come I feel like such a shell of myself? Why do I feel so depressed or numb or anxious? Why do I feel so confused? And why is the fear and the doubt escalating as I'm trying to take the burden off of the people that I love or the person that I love to avoid conflict? It kind of tweaks our brain a little bit. We can't understand why this didn't work. If me just kind of not wanting to rock the boat to create more conflict isn't the answer, then what could be? And why is it that I'm falling apart within myself as a result of that? And it creates more and more fear. And I become so much afraid of becoming too much that I literally stop showing up in my life for myself and others altogether is kind of like this ghosty fade away in my life, and I don't see or understand what's happening there. So losing myself is this numbing, unmotivated will to show up and do anything right? I. I start to question the meaning of life and why this matters and why it is. I feel like I'm such a shell of myself as a person. And then there's the common ping pong ball. The emotional ping pong ball is the third one. This is a place where emotions are all over the place, like they're high and then they're low. I'm filled with hope. Texted me and sent me a podcast episode and a book to read and then crash out because they didn't text me good night, or they didn't text me all day, or they didn't text me all week, or they're posting something on social media, they've gone to an event, or they're connecting with friends. And so the way the wind blows is what I'm basically experiencing in my own emotional trajectory. And it's all externally motivated. I'm kind of a candle in the wind. And depending on how the wind blows in the external moment is going to affect my candle going out. And I don't realize that in order to weather that, I need to protect the flame itself. And so regardless of how the wind blows, I know I'm going to be okay. But I'm. I'm very much stuck in the way the wind blows kind of thing. And so I'm all over the board and I'm surviving on these external cues, and it's exhausting. And you're physically and emotionally, like, out of gas because you're just all over the place. You want to talk about dump emotional fuel. And the sad part, the heartbreaking part about this is you feel really out of control because you can't manage your own internal experience. And the heartbreak there is that you start making up some terrible things about yourself, about what you should be able to do, and how this is supposed to go. We often feel a lot of shame and guilt around this because I know I'm out of control. I know I'm reacting and saying and doing a whole bunch of things that I know I shouldn't do, but I don't know what else to do because I'm just reacting to the emotional external cues that are happening all around me. And that feels like a very helpless place to be. So you beat yourself up a lot for not being able to control the external stimulus and the ways that you react to it. And so that becomes a bigger, more overwhelming experience altogether. And the last one that we're gonna touch on that is so common in this archetype is the Frozen Watcher. And this is the person who just like a coping mechanism of fight, flight, freeze, become frozen and numb in the paralysis of what's just happening. And that's a really challenging place to cope from. I'm kind of stuck in the whirlwind of what's happening, and I can't think straight and I can't function and I can't sleep, and I don't know what to say. I don't have any words for what I'm expecting. Experiencing nothing really makes sense. It's kind of like I just become this place of frozen in time. Not because I don't care, but because I care so much. And I think there's a misnomer there.

Yes, for sure.

I care so much that I'm paralyzed about what to do next or what to say next, or where to go or how to navigate through this. I literally become frozen in this place and time and in the moment. So we'll say, what do you think? Or what do you want to do? Or what should we do? And the person will just stand there and stare at you. You're literally a fan afraid to do or say the wrong thing, so you do nothing. And I can't even compile my own thoughts and needs and expressions of self enough to understand them for myself, let alone share them with you. And so I can become frozen in time, looking for a place of safety and understanding in order to take another step. So you pretend that you don't care about anyone or anything because you don't know what else to do. But deep down in side you know that you care more, more than most. So those are the archetypes of the quiz. And depending on where you fall and which one you relate to the quiz, and the results of that quiz will give you some places and spaces and some tools and some useful resources that you can use in order to stabilize yourself. Again, I just want to emphasize that there is no one archetype that's inferior, superior to the other, that these are all things that we do and we come by rightly based on how I cope with disappointment and emotional pain. Wherever you find yourself, it's not a place to judge it, it's a place to understand it. It's that mirror to say, okay, this is where I'm at. And great, okay, here's some useful things that I can use in order to help myself find a foundation and go more in the direction that I know that I want to go throughout this process. If this information is helpful for you, I'm going to really encourage you to take the quiz so that you can find your footing again. It literally is designed to help you unpack and understand what might support you best and help you in this place and space right now. So the roadmap is the answer to the quiz. It's not because we have all the answers on the roadmap, quite the contrary. But it's this place that we create a safe container of transformation. So it provides you with the structure and the tools and the real support with other human beings who are walking this journey with you. And you'll be in there with all of the archetypes that we've just mentioned here. But each archetype will be pointed to a different emotional pattern that then helps you use the tools, the structure, the resources, and the supports to do what you need to do with it. I want you to think of it as like, I need to pick and choose the things that are going to help me on this journey based on where I'm at and what I'm experiencing. And I just want to say healing happens in very predictable patterns. If you stay in the space long enough, you see those predictable patterns and what's necessary and needed to heal, for example, link physically, we reconnect tissue and we eliminate irritants. And that's what we know we need to do in order for the physical healing to begin. And the same is true when we're healing emotionally. We need to reconnect with ourselves and eliminate the irritant of the emotional chaos in order for true healing to begin. And that's what the roadmap is here to do. It's here to help us begin healing and then offers a variety of tools and resources that you can use to take you in the direction that you know you need to go. It's not a one size fits all answer. It's a structured, supportive space where you can get to feel steady enough to make your own next best steps with clarity and calm and conviction and step out of the panic. So often what people say after joining the Roadmap is hooray, I'm not spiraling 247 anymore. And we celebrate those things like, that's a huge accomplishment or gosh, for the first time in a long time, I feel steady again, a huge moment of celebration or I finally have the language for what's happening to me. I didn't know how to put it into words, but it's starting to make so much sense as I express it to my community and share it with the people around me. So the Roadmap has limited spots for intimate care and concern and support. So if you feel like you resonate with us for the love of heaven, please give yourself the gift of responding to that. It will be life changing. It will be an event in your life that you will remember for the rest of your life and it will take you where it is you need to go. So if this episode has resonated with you, your next step is simple. Take the quiz, the link is in the show description and let it show you where you are and what it is you need for your own emotional healing to begin. And if the Roadmap nudges you and you say to yourself, oh my God, I need this, join us inside of the Roadmap. This is going to be the last one we do in 2025. You don't need to solve the relationship, you just need to know the map and the process with which the healing can be done for you too. So join us. However this session unfolds, I hope it's that you get to come out of this feeling like yourself again on the other side and so much more awaits you. So we're here to support you in that journey if and when you're ready. Anything else you guys want to say about that?

I would just say if you have any questions or just not really sure, I don't know if this is really for me. Then sign up for a clarity call. You'll talk to me. I'm not here to sell you. I'm just help you best understand where you're at, where you're struggling. If we can help you and be of service. It's very low key and it's if.

You want a clarity call it staceybartley.com forward/apply. And also my parents probably would have done this website redesign in a much different way that I did. You know what I mean? Like maybe they would have had spreadsheets or very detailed post it notes or whatever Just like how when your partner asks for space, you would probably do the change that your partner needs to do in a very different way than they choose to do it. But it doesn't mean that what they're doing is wrong. A lot of people would have looked at my creative process and said, brooke, you're doing it all wrong. But it was my creative process. It was what I needed to do to get to what we have now, which is the best website we've ever had. So just think about that when you're going through this process, that if your partner isn't showing up and changing in the way that you would do it, it. It doesn't mean it's wrong.

It just means it's different, you know, And.

And I would just stack on that. And then. So rather than worrying so much, which most of us do, can. It's really what. How we take a counterintuitive approach is take this time for yourself. And it probably is the first time maybe ever or in a long time where you have been given this opportunity, perhaps not voluntarily. I get that. But figure out what it is you want. How do you want to show up in this transformation of 2.0? And you probably, to be fair, wouldn't be doing it if you were not in this situation. So that way you can just let all that go for the moment and just truly turn inside to yourself. Because the roadmap is only designed for one person in the relationship specifically. So I think that's an important distinction to really look at.

Yeah. Instead of trying to figure them out and why they're doing and really doing.

What you think they need to do this time. To yourself.

To yourself.

Yeah.

So true. So I have a really fun. Follow the fun based on the conversation that we had today to us. I don't say so myself.

I have no idea what we're.

I got to thinking, what if there was an Olympics around limbo messaging?

That's cool, right?

Like, you know, we could actually celebrate the masterful places that we are in our own little archetypes. What would that look like? And so today I invite you into a playful, slightly ridiculous reflection of what if there was an Olympic metal for limbo messaging? What are the performance counts for blowing up someone's phone and or social media feed? Can I hear y' all celebrate? Or what about spiraling into hypotheticals? We got that group of people too. Yahoo went gold in that one. How about this one? Rewriting the same message. Message but never sending it.

Woohoo.

There we go. Like what medal Would you win in those three very, very common categories? And, you know, maybe we should give awards out for being gold and overthinking or silver and social media stalking or bronze and voice memo drafting, but never sending. No shame. We've trained big for this. We practice tens of thousands, thousands of hours. And look at them go, people. Look at them go. I'm going to encourage you to DM me what was your personal event and. Or what would your medal be? And you can DM me or you can post it on your social and tag me on it because it's going to break the tension for a while and it's going to create a sense of shared humanity in the absurdity and the challenges that we all face. And all kidding aside, like, pause right now and check your messages. How many did you not send? How many drafts do you have? And I'm going to invite you to pick one and then read it out loud to yourself. Why? Because you need to hear what it is you really want to say. Don't send it. Just hear your voice. Hear the truth and the reality about what it is you actually want to say to yourself. And remember, you've got to reconnect with you first to allow the healing to begin. And that's what I'm going to encourage you to do through this little bit of follow the fun. So each week we have a song. And this song, of course, just kind of following our messaging here is a song by somebody maybe you haven't heard before, Henry Moody. And it's a really great song, actually. I'd never heard of him, but I kind of stumbled upon it. You know, these are what I call Gus moments. He has a song called Drunk Text, which is so perfect for our episode today. Wow. And the lyrics on this song for the experience of not saying what you really want to say deep in your heart because of the fear of being in limbo, is surprisingly spot on. And in the song, he says, I wish I was the one you drunk texted at midnight. I wish I was the reason you stay up till three and can't fall asleep waiting for me to reply. And he has a whole thing and the video is awesome, so you gotta check it out. It's absolutely incredible. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire relationship playlist by going to our website podcast page or searching us up on Spotify at Love Shack Live playlist.

And how about that new podcast page?

Oh, you guys are gonna love it. You know, we've had so many of our listeners say, hey, can you put these in categories? Hey, can these be searchable? Like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all there. Brooke knocked it out of the park. Thank you so much for being here with us today. If this conversation has moved you, helped you a little bit, or give you something to think about, please consider sharing it with someone you care about. Because that's how this podcast grows. From heart to heart, story to story, human to human. And if it's helped you, please also consider leaving us a review. We're so grateful and honored to be a part of this relationship journey with you. And remember how healing happens. I have to reconnect with myself first and remove the emotional chaos as the irritant and then we can take a big, bold, beautiful step into the messy together. Supported, calm, convicted. And so out of fear and doubt, I send you off with a whole bunch of love and a big squeeze and look forward to reconnecting with you again next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.