#237: The Truth About Space: What Most Couples Get Wrong (and How to Get It Right)

If your partner asks for space, you are standing at a crossroads with two paths in front of you. One leads into the murky shadows of uncertainty and distance, and the other towards a journey of clarity and growth. Welcome to Love Shack Live. We are the light at the crossroads of relationships. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship expert here with my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke. Today, we're not just talking about space, we're redefining it. In this episode, we delve into a crucial, yet often misunderstood aspect of relationships, navigating the space with your partner and the needs that come along with it. Because what you actually need is a plan and a purpose. It's not just about enduring time apart. It's about using this period as a vital opportunity for growth, both individually and as a couple. We'll explore how to create a roadmap during this phase, featuring what might seem like a pause in your relationship into a period rich with intention and mutual understanding. How do you establish boundaries, set clear objectives, and communicate effectively while apart? How can this space become a constructive chapter in your love story? Together we'll discover that sometimes stepping back is the best way to step forward, finding clarity and rediscovery in the spaces that we create. Let's embark in this journey together of exploration and reconnection right here in the love shack. I want to begin this conversation by saying space takes place when we run out of emotional gas and capacity. And I think we can all just think about this for a moment where we know what it feels like to run out of gas physically. We can all relate to knowing that we need to go to the grocery store, for example, and yet we don't have the capacity to go. And so we think about how I can do it or rework it differently. And yet the same concept is often very difficult to wrap our heads around when we think about the emotional capacity. I've depleted myself so much so, not for good or bad or right or wrong reasons, but just in trying to get this relationship to work, I've overextended, over given, overthought, over considered, and now I have bled myself dry emotionally. And even though I know I could probably do better when I'm in a place of depletion, what's going to happen is I'm going to start to act out or I'm going to collapse. I'm going to try and still, moments away, to be myself, to get away, to regroup, reconsider. And this is such a human need that we have that we don't realize or know how to talk about that in this space. I hang out needing space for quite probably some time when I need space to reconsider, recalculate, reconnect, regroup, and what ends up happening is I take myself to these places where I need much more of it, or at least in my thinking I do, because I've overrun my need for emotional space much longer than I.

So would you say, potentially, that sometimes space is asked for maybe way past the point where it initially could have been asked for at a place sooner in the journey, and it maybe would have served everybody in a better regard?

A lot of times if you spoke up sooner and you said, hey, you know, I'm starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed or depleted, then you wouldn't need space either. I think space is happening so much, and we're seeing it so much in our comments and because we've resonated with so many people, it's obvious that space is happening and it's being needed. And it's not just a very small issue because we've reached a lot of people with it. I think the problem is that we. I've said this before, we don't know what to do before space is required. So in relationships, we do know that when it gets bad, we have options. Like, we could get a divorce, or we could ask for space. But what's that part before it?

Well, the need to reconnect and understand myself is an instinct of survival. And if we think about it, we all need it, and we all do it. I might say, gosh, kids, no, you're not coming to the grocery store with me, and, no, I'm going by myself. Why? Because I need space. I might say, I'm going to bed early tonight, and please, I'm just going to take my book and don't bother me. Why? Because I need space. And these are all little places where I'm saying, the need to reconnect and understand myself is very much a human instinct. And when we push it and we don't allow ourselves to have that experience of reconnecting and understanding myself, then we get into these places where I need a lot of space.

So to answer. So to answer.

Long time.

Yeah. So to answer Brook's question, then perhaps more moments of what you just described. Yeah, more like. Like many periods of space rather than this, you know, last gasp of air and survival is.

And then you're like, I need three months of space.

You know, is really kind of that place. Like Brooke said that that's the G of potentially what could be, you know, more realized and more accepted, and there's nothing wrong. This is part of the journey, right?

And so it. It sounds like this. I can't do this anymore. When we get to these egregious places, I need to find myself again. I've lost who I am. And those are signs that I've probably pushed it too far. They're not right, they're not wrong, they're not good, they're not bad. They're just signs that I've probably needed to address some things to come back to myself for a really long time. It's the instinct of the entity you are that says, we've lost our way. We need to come back and regroup here, and then we can decide where we're going forward. And so that's a very instinctual place, and that's why we can be so indignant about it. So the question that I have for you listeners is, why don't we do it more often then? Why don't I say I need space? Why is it that I feel like I can't just say I'm needing to regroup? Please give me a few minutes and just let that question set in, because that starts to tell us a much bigger picture about why we avoid doing that. And I'm going to push myself beyond the emotional capacity instead.

We don't want to offend our partners. So we will do silly things like not saying what we need and not being honest about it because we don't want to offend our partner. And then we don't want to have to explain ourselves or get into an argument or, you know, defend our humanness of just needing a moment. Because I have done that to Jack, my fiance. He has said, babe, I just need to be alone. And I've taken it personal many times because dad, he's like you. He needs some solitude sometimes. And that feels really good for him. And I have taken that enjoyment away by making him explain himself incessantly to calm my anxiety. And then he's like, well, whatever, this is too difficult, you know? So I know it very well, and now I respect it because I understand it's not about me at all. But that's why we get ourselves into these sticky places. And then we can get ourselves into these sticky places for years. And we never say that we're running out of emotional gas because we don't want to do what I just said.

Well, and we're afraid of how it's going to be taken. So, number one, I don't know what to say when I feel like I'm running out of emotional gas. And so there's the words you need to describe it. It doesn't have anything to do with you per se and everything to do with my need to come back to myself and understand what am I thinking, what am I feeling and where do I need to go from here. And when that gets violated as a human being, we are going to break down. That is a human thing. And it's a human thing that we all have to take on individually. So, for example, if we put this into the physical, like Tom can't meter how much physical energy I have. He can point it out. Gosh, you're seeming like you're. You're kind of tired today or exhausted. Are you okay? But I'm the only one that's going to be able to assess, okay, am I sleeping? Am I hydrated? Am I running around like a crazy person? Do I need to cut back? I'm the only one that can make that assessment for myself into why it is I don't have physical capacity. And the same is true for our emotional capacity. Somebody can see that I'm not really in it, or I'm kind of checked out or I'm pretty sensitive or aggressive. But I'm the only one that's going to be able to do the assessment about what it is I need to do in order to remedy that. They can throw out some ideas, but sometimes that even ticks us off because I don't have any clarity with inside of myself. What I don't need is more input. What I do need is some space and time to reconnect with myself and figure out what's going on. Okay. That's why space becomes something that we are willing to sacrifice everything for. Up to and including sometimes my own emotional health and well being. It's necessary.

I was gonna say, the second thing you need in that situation is a partner who's willing to allow the space. Because that's the part I have struggled with and I know all of our followers struggle with too. But there's two pieces to the space. So the person who's asked for it and then the person who's giving it. And you have to think it is a gift. We say that you're giving a partner a gift by giving space, but also it's an essential human need. So, like, if you don't give it, then consider the other option. It's not going to be good, it's going to get bad and ugly. So it's kind of reframing it. Like, relationships are not meant for you to spend every second of every day together. That's unhealthy. You both still need to have your internal autonomy and moments of repose and being able to think your thoughts without considering your partner in every moment. You still are an individual too. And I think sometimes, especially in anxious people, we forget that because we need the constant validation that everything is okay. And we make up these crazy stories that if you need a moment away from me, then I'm worthless. That is all going to lead to very bad places in your relationship. And I'm just begging all the anxious people out there to hear me, because it's not about you. This has nothing to do with you. And if you continue to make it about you, it's just adding another layer of complexity on an already complex situation.

Well, and I just want to point out, I think sometimes the reason why we panic is we don't a understand that every human being needs that, even the anxious person. We just don't identify it as though I'm taking space or out of emotional gas. But we take space too. And our avoidance partner goes, oh, gosh, yes, please go. So we see that they don't have this same anxious experience that we have. And in the anxious, you know, what a wonderful opportunity to learn what it's like to come home and truly be rooted in your own thoughts and feelings and emotions, that you can finally let go of the worry and concern about what everybody else is doing or thinking and that you can finally come home to yourself. And that's a beautiful place to come to where you recognize and realize, oh, I really do have thoughts and feelings and emotions that matter and that count too, because I count too. And it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. And so this needing of space, I want you to see it as just as natural and normal, as like an inhale and an exhale or the time to do and be productive and go and the time to rest and emotionally, that's what space is. There's a time for me to give and pour in and contribute and to understand, Understand. And there's a time where I need to consider what you've said and what's happened and digest it down and process it for myself. And the only place I can do that as a human being is within myself. That is work only I can do. Those are assessments and remedies that only I can come up with. And if I don't have the skills to do that, what I've just Described is a terrifying process. I'm going to try and outdo it, like, meaning I'm going to stay stuck in the doing part, or if I'm anxious a lot and I'm really in emotion, I'm going to try and reach out to and insist and sometimes demand that somebody give it to me because of all I've done for you. So I'm still stuck in the doing, but it's all the doing so that I can then insist and demand that you be here for me and take care of me when I'm feeling anxious. And so you start to see these aren't right or wrong or good or bad. They're opportunities for us to understand the ebb and flow of what's happening. And so I think it's really important for us to just normalize out of the gate in our conversation here. The need for space happens all the time. We just don't spend any time talking about it until it gets to this place where I say, I'm completely out of emotional gas, I can't do this anymore and I'm moving out. And then we go, ho, ho, ho, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What are we doing again? And honestly, like you had said earlier on in the conversation, babe, is if we had taken the time to do that earlier on, when we knew we needed it or we sensed we needed it, we just couldn't put words to it, we wouldn't need these big, huge, egregious moments. It's like putting off anything else, right? Like doing the dishes or cleaning the house or paying the bills or taking care of my health. This is an emotional health piece that I kick the can down the road and I make it up that it's going to be okay. I can continue to pour in when everything is siding me, is telling me, stop, turn around, take some time, you're exhausted. You need to play, you need to rest. You need to take a moment for yourself. And then there's the call of the kids and my partner and the neighbor and my job and my. And so I override it again and again and again and again until I do get to this place where I'm completely depleted and on life support. And that's where we're going to see. I got. I can't do this anymore. I absolutely can't do this anymore. What typically happens next is not what we just described, the understanding and the digestion down of where I'm at and what's going on, but what I tend to do as a human being because I Don't know the things we just talked about. I'm trying to figure it out as I go. I pull away, everybody parts, we create separation. And then it's kind of like Q, ding. The emotional coping. And the emotional coping looks like this. I know I need to reconnect with myself and understand myself on some level. And we know this out of the gate. How do I know that? Because we say, I just need to work on myself. I just need to figure out.

Or I need to figure. Yeah, I need to figure myself out.

We hear that a lot.

The famous line from all the movies, it's not you, it's me.

So we're trying to negotiate and create this space where I can feel good about what it is I'm doing. And I know I need to spend some time with myself. But then the question is, well, how do I do it? Well, I guess I just, I move out and I create some space for myself. And this place can be exciting, exciting. And there's a part of us that, that kind of goes, yes, yes, yes, that's what you need. You need space emotionally. It's like, yes, you need space. You need some time to yourself. It's going to be so great. We're going to have all this pressure and all this anxiety and you can just exhale. It's going to be wonderful. And then we start making up all these scenarios about how it's going to go and it's going to be so lovely. It can also feel terrifying. It can also feel like an overwhelming project. Like, oh, if I spend some time with myself, what's going to come up? I just don't even know. Like, oh, gosh. So as I cope, instead, it sounds a lot like this. I end up doing things that create excitement. I want you to think about this, like putting the electrical paddles on our heart that's maybe slowed down or, and, or stopped beating. And I do something exciting and thrilling and risky and it's like, oh, yeah, I do like this. Oh, I do remember where I came from. Oh, forgot all about how thrilling that was. It makes me feel alive again when I flatlined. And so have a tendency in these spaces to actually create high risk behavior.

So there can be some very wide swings is what I'm hearing you say, yes.

And the person that's asked for space very often can start embarking on some of this risky behavior. And the person that's anxious is like, what the heck? And who the heck is this person? I don't even know who this person is. They're on dating apps. They're going out to the bar, they're drinking, skydiving. Oh, I mean, yeah. Cue coping. And the coping is this. Here's the thing is the coping has to do with me just trying to find my way back to myself, really. And to actually sit with myself sounds overwhelming and terrifying. So I'm going to essentially do these other things to help me find my way back. And it works. Just know it works. It's effective, but it also creates a whole lot of drama and emotional roller coasters, not only inside of the relationship that I'm taking space from, but also inside of myself. Okay, so I might do that. That's a very common place of coping when I'm coming out of these.

So if we're on the receiving end of the request for space and we see our husband, our wife, our partner, significant other displaying this pretty outlandish behavior and choices. What. How do we. What do. How do we. We just sit with that and be okay with that? I mean, what are we supposed to do with all that?

Yeah, a really great question. My intention with sharing this information with you is to just help you understand what's going on. What we tend to do as we start making up a lot of stories about, oh, see, you never did really love me. Oh, see, you never did really want this. How could you? And we take it as this form of betrayal that's happening. We take it personal, and then we get angry. How can you just move on and do that? I must be meaningless, worth, unloved, undesired, etc, and that means none of that.

I'm gonna speak for some of our listeners here. If they agreed not to do that before space. If we said we're not dating other people, we're just taking space. But then I found out my partner was on a dating app. That would be a betrayal, right?

Absolutely. And I haven't gotten there yet. But all I'm trying to say is I want you to understand why we do it.

You can tell Brookie and I are a hot mess right now.

Right. I want you to understand why they do it.

So you're just giving us the behavior.

I'm just giving you the behavior. Why they do it isn't that they're trying to be. Can they betray you in this place? Because like Brooke said, you did have agreements and you did agree that you weren't going to do those things. That's different.

Yes.

If there is no agreements that we have on the table, and all of a sudden we say, I'm taking space, I've moved out and two weeks go by, and all of a sudden you see them on a dating app or you see them going out with their friends, drinking, more carous, engaging in this risky behavior. I just want you to understand where it's coming from, that's all. And what's driving it has nothing to do with their love for you, what you've created, the love of the family, the love of the children. Because what ends up happening in this space is we start to see this risky behavior, and then everybody gets hurt for good reason. I get it. I understand it. But then that person starts to act out out of their own hurt and potential disappointment and heartbreak and. And in this place, then everybody starts acting out, and it creates a tremendous amount of drama in our lives. Now, I'm not saying it's not hard, and I'm not saying that this is easy to navigate. I simply just want you to understand how it plays out. And I'm hoping that if I slow this down enough and I paint the picture detailed enough, that you can see this doesn't just happen in your life right now, if this is where you are in space, but it happens in space as human beings try and cope with this very difficult time.

I think that's really great news. Meaning. So rather than us freaking out like Brooke and I did right here, you know. No, just take a pause and understand this is part of the whole behavioral journey when we find ourselves, whatever side you're on, so to speak.

Well, that's one. It's a very common option. We're going to talk about three more. Okay, that's one place that we go to cope. And I want to talk about a couple of more that are pretty common so that we can maybe see ourselves in the situations.

Okay, I know we're getting to this, but I just want to say that when we say, okay, let's take space, I think every person on the planet has a different idea of what should be happening in that space, you know, and it's usually the person who is giving the space is expecting and watching the person who has asked for space to do those things and check the boxes that they believe should be checked. So then if you go out and you start partying, well, that wasn't on my list of things that you would potentially be doing during this time. So I get where that all those feelings come from. But I also just wanted to point out that there is no instruction manual for taking space. At least maybe we're going to create one. But it's like okay, we're taking space, but what the hell are you going to be doing during it? And that conversation usually never occurs 100%.

And as you're checking the boxes, Right. You didn't know that this behavior was going to be part of space.

Right.

Remember the premise that it was created on. I'm going to work on myself. And we know, and since we need to do that, we communicate that everybody can get on board with that. And then there I am left with myself, which is the most courageous place I will ever go as a human being. The squaring off with me. And so when I panic and I start to cope, just understand it doesn't have anything to do with my love for you. I'm not trying to dismiss anything that we've co created together. None of that. It's me literally facing off with me and then I get scared pretty quickly and then I start acting out. And that risky behavior is the acting out party. It's way more fun to go out and party with friends than to sit and decipher the emotions and the trauma and the, and the disappointment inside of myself. Come on, let's just be honest, right? Is it critical? Is it necessary? Yes. And there's some incredible enjoyment there once you're not afraid of it. But when you are afraid of it, you would almost risk everything also.

I'm just going to be real here for a second. All of those things, addressing the trauma, thinking about your emotions, figuring out what needs to change in your relationship is not going to happen. Just you sitting by yourself in your apartment. Unless you're a professional, you know, and even then you're probably going to need some help. So I'm just putting that little idea in your brain that you can't expect someone who has no expertise in relationships and human behavior and all of these things to just say, okay, I'm going to move out and I'm going to figure out exactly what I need to do to fix the relationship that doesn't happen. But that's what we expect to happen.

I totally agree with you. So the premise is you're going to work on yourself and the next thing I know, you're engaged in all this other stuff. And crazy as it might sound, that is my attempt to figure it out.

Yes, it makes total sense when you explain it this way.

Right, right. So. So that's what I'm attempting to do. I just don't know how to sit with myself and digest down and figure out all the emotional stuff. So I do it like this. And like I said, risky behavior makes us feel like we're alive again. It puts us in these places where it's like, oh, I've shut so many parts of myself down. Okay, this makes me go, oh, yeah, I remember that. Oh, yeah, that was pretty fun. Oh, wow. I've never done that before. And. And if you have spent any time with this at all, what am I really talking about? Play.

Play. Novelty.

Why is that? That's where we go when we're trying to cope and we are out of emotional gas.

Well, because it's a fast.

Builds our gas tank, for sure.

Like fast. So, okay, here we see it playing out unsolicited, and I know I'm getting.

My head on myself, but you all know that I'm the detail guy. But the whole thing with us, and this is really where the good news people space with a plan and a purpose. The purposeful part is like, you can take so much of this. I know just saying this and sharing this with you. So much of your reeling and this cognitive, massive decision overload on you focusing on what your partner's doing, not doing, and all this. And drill down onto yourself, maybe for the first time or certainly for a long time, what is it that you want? What would a great relationship look like, feel like, sound like for you? And spend this time, take all, reappropriate all this energy, unbelievable amounts of energy that you are appropriating to this husband, wife, special someone, and give it to yourself. This is what we do in the roadmap. It really is. And that's not cliche, it's absolutely true. Because that's the only thing we can do anyway.

Yeah. Unless we're coping. True. So that moves us to the next piece of coping, because we're going to cope. Yes, you did. And we're going to cope before we probably know what to do instead. And there's not a lot of conversation about what to do, how to do it. We might have a sense intuitively about what needs to be done, but how do I do it? How the heck do I do it?

No idea.

All right, so. So the second piece of coping that we do, especially if I'm the anxious partner, I could could easily buy into the idea that creating pain or some kind of a payback. It's this idea that if you hurt and I cause you to hurt, then you'll understand where I'm coming from and why I hurt too. And so we have many clients who have asked for space, and the person that's taking space goes out, starts Coming off the rails a bit, just like you described. Yeah, yeah, just like I described.

Okay.

And so then the person that's waiting was like, well, if you're going to do that, I'm going to do that, too. And so the next thing you know, we've got a betrayal on both sides coming.

Yeah, we do.

Not that you shouldn't. But then I'm acting out to try and get my person to pay and feel the pain. And it can get so egregious that I'm intentionally seeking out people that I know you're close to, and I'm going to try and get them interested in me. I'm going to ask them out to dinner or a date or let you know that I'm talking with them and that they're engaging with me and want me so that you can understand and hopefully get jealous. And you'll know now the pain that I'm feeling when I see you doing what you're doing. And maybe that will right the wrong, so to speak. And so this idea of if I hurt you, I'll feel better, and then you'll finally understand where I'm coming from is a coping skill. It's a co. A way of coping with the pain. And. And it highlights. I don't know what else to do. Another one that's very common is I'm going to rally the troops. I'm going to seek the validation of this experience that we're going through. And how could you do this? And how could you ask for this? And how could you behave this way?

I'm a stack the deck on my.

Side, so I'm going to tell all the friends and our family and the kids, and I'm going to rally everybody.

Together, make them realize how good I am and how messed up you are.

Right. And so this is really hard on the people around us. And we all do it for validation, especially when I'm hurting. It's kind of like getting the support and help that I need as a coping skill, as a coping mechanism. And all of this, as you can appreciate, compromises our mental and physical health. So now we can find ourselves in depression, anxiety, panic attacks. We can find ourselves in a behavior where I'm obsessively needing to know your every move and who you're talking to and tracking you and phone records and those kinds of things. So in this coping place, as we just let it build and get more and more dramatic, it can create a lot of mental health challenges as well. And then this lack of direction and misunderstanding Always leads us to anxiety, regrets, and the drifting apart of each other. And this is typically what happens when we say we're going to take space. This is a very common story and a very common narrative. And one of the reasons why the three of us are so impassioned about what it is we do is because we recognize and see this pattern, and we recognize that there is a better way, and we've developed that better way, and we teach and promote that better way. Because, as you can see, what we've just described doesn't do anything to accomplish what it is that needs to be done. We start coping, and then we expect to turn around this relationship and go in a different direction when there's all sorts of big and small betrayals that happen as a result ofttimes, it's unrecoverable. Yeah. Because of the way that we've handled it, not knowing better, not right or wrong or good or bad. We just don't know what to do, and we didn't know how to do better.

I was gonna say the. This, like, combination of stuff that's happening when space is requested is the ultimate perfect recipe to bring out the worst behavior in humans. So all the stuff that's happening, it almost makes it impossible to behave. Well, just because you're simply responding to what's happening, you don't have the tools and skills to do better. Because. And like you said, mom, too, we're not saying it's your fault. It's just natural. This is just how it has been set up. So we're giving you tools and skills now to perform better. But my point is that this is an absolute fallacy to think, okay, I'm going to behave the absolute worst I probably ever have have in a relationship because of what's happening. And to think that that is going to save it. But I think that's what people think, you know?

Yeah. And I think, to be fair, that's why so many people reach out to us and stuff. Because when this. Whatever side you are on, this request and experience is terrifying. Because most of this, there are no good stories.

Yeah. I mean, there's not success stories.

Oh, my God.

Then they're.

Then there.

I mean, that's why we're. We have so much people that have reached out because we've hit the bullseye as far as the pain point. And it's understandable why this is so upsetting and. And very difficult because there's no new solution here. Stacy's just outlined. Well, no wonder we're all just Like a freaking hot mess.

Well, this is what happens when we don't have a plan.

Yes.

And we don't know what to do. And we're just kind of winging it instinctually. I know I need space. I'm out of gas. Okay, awesome. I know I need to work on myself. Awesome. But I don't have any idea how to navigate it. From that moment on, we're winging it. And in that winging it, we cope the very best way we know how. And usually in that coping, it ends up creating exactly what it is we don't want. Because we're coming from a place of our deepest darkest fears, insecurities, doubts. And all we're left with is our own skills at the moment, our own relational skills. So as Brooke said, it's not your fault. I just think it's time to have a better conversation that's going to support you. So this is highlighting what happens when we don't have a plan. I'm going to tell a story, but it actually applies to several clients because this pattern that I've just described to you is so common. When we don't know what to do, we really are doing the very best we know how everybody is. And so this client comes to me and they've waited too long. First of all, the need for recalibrating what works and what doesn't work in their relationship has gone on for more than a decade beyond what it should have. And I say that with all the love and respect in the whole wide world. Most of us do that. And now when they come, it is as at a very high painful breakdown level. There's been hurt and betrayal and disappointment and acting out on both sides. Infidelity is a part on both sides. Lying is on both sides. Tracking each other is on both sides. The acting out and the blaming is incessant. And so finally the call for space gets made and that they're going to move out and they're done. And then the anxious partner is just beside themselves. And here's the thing, the anxious partner too knows that there's probably some things that they don't understand. And they're taking it so personal that they can't understand the gift that's being given when space is asked for. We really do need to stop this crazy making and come back to ourselves and understand what I need and what you need so we can see if there's anything to co create and continue together.

Just let me just intercede there because I think that is a paramount of importance what you just described, would you say that's one of the things that we initially can help people do, is to just, look, respect this decision in this place. It will serve you well if you allow us to guide you through that rather than panicking. Meaning, like this is an opportunity here for true healing and transformation. But if you don't get it right, it's going to just further degrade and it's so hard for us. Look, I understand and probably you will not be able to do this without some professional assistance because what Stacy just described, that everyone goes way too long. Long, way too long. It's nobody's fault. It's just. Because that's just what we do. So you're going to miss the opportunity of what it can provide you the raw ingredients for transformation and growth because you just, you're so freaked out.

You're so reacting and coping. Yes.

Okay, for sure.

So that's what it looks like when we usually take space without a plan, is I find myself in these places of coping and I can find myself landing in those. Those are very common places. I'm trying to make you pay because you've hurt my feelings. I'm acting out in control and manipulation or I'm just kind of off the rails and this risky behavior trying to find myself because I don't know what else to do. And so then you can start to see, just escalate that by a day, in a month and a year. And you can start to see why most people who ask for space don't make it right, quite frankly. In fact, we've even had people on social media say, come on, be truthful, tell the truth, don't sell this kind of idea. If somebody asks for space, it's over.

Not, not just one. Lots of people have said that, and.

I get why you're coming from that.

It's a fair retort because we don't.

Have a lot of examples of it going better, but that's just because we don't know how to do better. It's not. Because it's not possible. And that's the thing that we'll continue to stand for in our body of work. So how can it go? We've painted a pretty dim picture of, of what it looks like.

We've lost most of our listeners when.

You don't have a plan. And now you can start to maybe understand why we're so impassioned about the idea of creating a purpose and a plan for this time of space so that we can all grow and get better. So if we explore the benefits of taking plan space in a relationship, here's what you can look forward to. There's mutual understanding and improved expression of self that builds better communication and agreements. And these skills and more can strengthen a relationship, not break it down. And essentially what I need to do is absolutely spot on. What you knew needed to be done in the beginning of asking space, coming back to myself, assessing what works for me, what doesn't work for me, what do I need to do now let me get a handle on that first. And then let's see what we have to co create together with my person. If my person is doing that, beautiful, because then they're doing their own assessment of what they need and what they want and what they can willingly bring to the table. And from that place, as we navigate through space, we can see what it is we have to work with. We can also, by nature, of getting through space, learn some new skills and some ways of understanding ourselves and each other and relationships in life overall. And that's where the transformation takes place. And yes, just like a remodel in my home, something physical, right? The vision of it perpetuates the journey. But as I start to remodel, it gets a little messy before it becomes beautiful. And so it is on this emotional space, right? It's kind of like the assessment of, okay, what are we going to retool? What are we going to rework? Okay, now I have to let that go and I have to bring this in. And then on the backside, I have this beautiful transformation that's happened. And there's even a stronger bond that happens between two people if we take this journey together, because we've done it together and we've learned so many places and things, things about how we can rely on each other and how we can count on each other. And we know so much more about the other person as well as myself. So these are things that strengthen relationships. Even though the journey can be sometimes a challenge, if we can pop out on the other side, it's always far better than if I had never had the challenge to work through in the first place. Which puts us on the conversation of couples who just pretend like everything is fine. And so we avoid weathering some of the challenges. And your relationship is as fragile as, like we like to say, cheap lawn furniture. There's no strength.

It's only as strong as the cheap lawn furniture.

Yes.

And so sometimes we don't realize that that's how we strengthen relationships. As we learn that we can get through challenges and knowing that, then we don't get so afraid of what's happening in the future. But when you think about it, that's what happens for me too. When I learned that I could get myself through a very difficult time, that's what develops self confidence and self esteem and a belief in myself. I'll figure it out. And when you and I can combine those, then we can strengthen not only ourselves individually, but collectively. And there's not too much that's gonna knock us off of our game. Okay. And we build this strength as we go through these very intentional places. So let me tell you about another beautiful client and clients. This isn't just one, but I'm focusing on one specific one as I share this with you. They came to a place after being married for more than 18 years, had children still at home, finances a business that they had co created together. The woman decided that she needed to be done. She couldn't do this anymore. She had overextended over given. There were many elements to that, but primarily she was really rectifying a lot of her religious family upbringing where you sacrifice yourself and you focus on your kids and your husband, and then everything works out okay. And she realized that. That after almost 20 years of doing this, she was actually becoming more compromised. And it was far from everything just working out. And at some point in time, she had a mental crisis that she had to address. And it broke her husband's heart when she said, I just need some space. This thing needs to change right now. And so she ended up moving out on her own, and her husband ended up taking turns on the family home to care for the children so that the children could have access to each other. Of them, that was a great idea. That was a wonderful plan that they intuitively put together in regards to how they could support themselves as well as each other as the parents that they are, as well as their children. And in so doing, they found that they actually wanted to spend time together. Everybody had a safe place to go back to, to kind of do some of that what I call emotional digestion. Where am I? How does this affect me? What do I believe and need? Now let me get in touch with myself. Okay, Now I understand what it is I have to give and what I need. And then I have the bandwidth also to understand what you need and what you want. And I can hear that because I now have the space and the bandwidth to do that. I have emotional capacity. And we haven't sacrificed our finances, we haven't sacrificed our business, we haven't sacrificed our children in order to take this journey together. And they ended up becoming stronger out of it and move back in together and resubmit their family. But these lessons that they learn during this time of space, the pain that that was and the difficulty reminds them that when they need space to come home to themselves, they take it. And sometimes that's daily and sometimes that's weekly. But nonetheless, they understand the need for spaceness now. And they understand and have developed new skills in order to navigate this thing called love and life. They can actually give themselves the space and the permission to be where they are and feel the way they feel and need what they need. And they can also give that to their partner. And these are the things that are available when we craft a plan. And this plan doesn't just happen. It's not just, okay, we're going to create the plan and then done right. We have this handle in like a week. No. Does renovation happen in a week? Does total, you know, vamping of tearing down walls and placing in new cabinets and positioning the bathroom happen in a week?

No.

And it happens in phases, right? It happens in phases and phases and phases. So when we talk about space with a plan, here's what we're really talking about. We're talking about, first, the need to provide you with some practical tips on how to effectively plan for taking space. Second, we talk to you about the necessary and first step of coming home to yourself. You need to know what works and doesn't work for you. This is the gift that you bring to any relationship. And our roadmap is the place where you begin this journey. It is the place where you begin with purpose. That roadmap helps you come home to yourself and understand things about your relationship and the position that you've played in that relationship in far greater clarity and detail. This positions you so that now you're in a place you can explore what's possible with your partner in some form of co creation.

But let me just be clear. While the roadmap is specifically designed for one of the persons that's asking for the space, so you're taking this time to give to yourself, to really get clear for you where you are in this co creation process.

Yes.

Meaning it's not really a couples program.

Exactly.

I kind of. That was you.

You.

It might be inferred that it was for two people to come together and do the roadmap together. It's really for one person in the partnership to do it.

Exactly.

Yes. And. And that's great clarity. Because that individuation needs to happen. Yep.

Yep.

If it doesn't happen, then what we're going to attempt is probably going to be yet another demonstration or outplay of what's not working in the relationship. Even though we have the best intentions possible. Because we haven't gotten clear with my part.

Right.

And then my partner needs to get clear about their part, and then we need to get clear about what we are together, the us.

And. And just so you listening understands, the roadmap is the perfect place to understand your part. You're going to get more clarity than you've ever had about what is your part and what you can do about it, which I don't really think is available anywhere else.

Yeah. And that's where this journey needs to begin. That's why the need for space has happened in the first place. And so we want to take that opportunity to understand myself. Just like you said, I need to work on myself. I need to get some clarity. Yes. Okay. This is the how part of that piece. Okay. And when you really think about it, what are we really talking about? We're talking about dating all over again. You know, when. When the cycle of relationship plays out, which we talk about in the roadmap, when the cycle of relationship actually plays out, what ends up happening? And you find yourself in a place where this doesn't work. And so I step away and I redefine who I am, only to find myself coming back and exploring different aspects of people and places that this would work and where I can step in and fit in with this. And so you're doing that. As the saying goes, I'm going to do this many times in my life as I change and grow as a human being over time. The only question is, is it going to be with the same person or is it going to be with multiple. Right. And we have the ability to do it with the same person. As long as we're all willing to kind of embark on the journey, one of us is always going to be out front, one is going to be lagging behind a little bit. Not in a bad way, but just in a. Oh, I didn't. This wasn't my timing. It's your timing. But I'm coming along because I want to train, transform with you. Okay, let's get on board. It happens in lots of places in relationships, doesn't it? Somebody's better at dealing with children throwing a tantrum, and somebody's better at cooking, and somebody's better at paying the bills. And so this is Just yet another ebb and flow of this very normal natural process that we have as human beings in relationship. And so then we put together a plan. So now that we've got some clarity about me, about you, we need to put together a plan. And it needs to start with a vision of what it is we want to accomplish. Not forever and always. We tend to get too grandiose and big here, but just for the next 30 days, where we are in this place of taking space. What do we want to accomplish in the next 30 days? What's available for the next 30 days? And then we want to evaluate some core categories in relationships that absolutely affect our lives. And the basics are money and kids and career and dating. Our connection part. When are we going to talk? How are we going to talk? What about the kids? What about the money? What about the household task? What about the pets? We need to have some agreements about how we're going to handle those things and not just leave them to chance. Because I promise you, if we leave them to chance, as we described in that contrast of space without a plan and space with a plan, you can start to see that the expectations are going to start to unfold for one partner and the other partner is going to be completely unaware of it, or both. And then we're going to fight about the money, the kids, the pets, the household tasks, how these things should be done. And that's just going to add another layer of complexity to what it is we're trying to accomplish. And so it's important that we have a plan just for 30 days and that we evaluate this plan every week, if possible. How are we doing? Are we making progress? What's working, what's not working? Because this plan is designed to adjust as we go. And then you start to see if we create success with little things, we can start to stack more things on it. So There are primarily 12 basic categories of relationship. You're not going to start with 12. You're probably going to start with two or three. And as we build successes on those in our 30 day plan, we can start to really start. We can start to see me, I can start to see you, I can start to see us and what's possible here. And so as we learn and develop new skills together as well, we can practice them together while using this plan. And here's the thing, I can promise you, you're going to win either way. Why? Because at the end of the plan, you're going to understand yourself better. Maybe places where you've been resistant Maybe places where you feel like you don't want to include this as a part of your life or you're okay with this, this, this, this and this. I understand myself better. I also am going to understand my partner better. And it's going to be an experience of, oh, I get it. I understand why you and I have banged heads for so long. It's about these things. Wow, I never knew. I see my part, I see your part. And it might be an experience of like, you know what? I think we're better off cheering each other on in life. And I'm good with that. That why? Because I'm complete. There is no part of the story that makes me feel less than, and there's no part of this story that I've stepped into making you feel less than. In order for us to separate, we've come to the, the conclusion that, oh, we have this understanding, we have completion, we have knowing. But you know what? I also know it's the place where we go, wow, this is really working. I really understand you and love you better than I ever have. Let's go another 30 days. This is really working for me. And if it's working, we're gonna want to go again and again and again. Because if I can make it work here with you, especially after we've co created all of these wonderful things and memories, that would be my first choice. What I'm trying to vet out is my first choice. Something that we can transform and take into the future. And this is how we do it. And that's why I say it's a win. Either way. We either going to make progress and go, wow, I didn't know we could do this. I didn't know we could become this. Or I'm going to go, I get it, I get it. You want to do something that I'm not interested in. Okay, I can let go from a place of completion. And completion is not something that's talked about in our society, in our culture, but it needs to be. Because if we don't have completion on either side or clarity on other sides, this is where we take it into future relationship relationships. And we become fearful and panicked about, oh, here's that emotion again. Oh my gosh, this is just like my last relationship. I've got to react and I've got to react harshly. I'll be damned if I'm going to go through that again without realizing that's just a sign that you didn't get to completion in the last relationship. Right. I don't have the understanding about my role, what I need, what works for me and what doesn't. I haven't taken the time to do that. So that's the difference between space with a plan and space without a plan. And I hope that you can see as clearly as we do that space with a plan is far more favorable than space without one. Anybody want to add anything as we wrap up here?

So what would be the, I know we, since we started this original series back, gosh, three, four months ago now, with great appreciation, is what would be the purpose part? We've a, we've added space with a plan and a purpose. I like to, I, I, to me, it's purpose is the part of remembering and reminding that we can step in and really drill down into ourselves.

Purpose part is any plan is started with a purpose. You know why? Because if we don't have a purpose, we're not going to stick to the plan. So it has to be purpose can be quasi purpose. Vision, goal, desire, all of those words can, in my humble opinion, be synonymous with that. But the plan always starts with, okay, what do we want to see ourselves? Or what do we get excited about? And what it is, what is it that we desire? In 30 days from now, what will we be doing? What will we understand? What will we be experiencing in our relationship with this purpose part?

And we hear this all the time, all three of us do, in our respective places where we serve in our body of work. But most people will say like, well, when I ask him or her, any of these, maybe just a sense of trying to narrow about what we're laying out here for benefit for everybody. There's a lot of resistance on the person that has asked for the space because they're feeling like we're trying to corner them.

Or they, or they say, I don't know. And my answer to that, I'll answer that, join the roadmap. Like, that's really it. I'm not trying to be a salesperson, but you're not going to be able to bridge that distance with your partner who's asked for space resistant to you wanting a plan without you doing the 30 days of the roadmap that you need to do. It's going to fill in that gap for you because maybe you're not asking right, maybe you're being a little bit too pushy, but you don't realize it. You know, there's a lot of variables that can happen in that situation that, number one, we can't coach you through DMs we would love to, but we don't have the time to do that. It doesn't give us the ability to know the true situation of your relationship because we're not talking to you. And number two, when you join the Roadmap, you'll be able to ask questions anytime you have them. So you get like six group coaching calls where we'll be able to talk with you and you'll be able to ask any question, any place that you're stuck and we'll coach you through exactly how to do the thing that you're stuck doing. You know?

Yeah. Remember that it's got to start with you. And it's not about enrolling somebody to do a plan. It's that you get busy and start a plan. And that's where your partner will start to notice, wow, you're showing up differently. Which then gives them the safety to step in. Without that piece, there's no amount of begging and pleading and cornering that's going to make them feel safe enough to step in and co create with you right now.

That's going to do the opposite.

Exactly. Exactly.

Before we go, I want you to know this space doesn't have to mean goodbye. With the right plan and support, it can become the reset that helps you find your footing again. That's exactly what we'll be doing inside of the Love and Limbo 30 day roadmap. It's our last live round of the year and it begins October 19th. This is your final chance in 2025 to walk through it with us step by step. And as a thank you for being here, a podcast listener, you can get a $50 off your enrollment with the code roadmap50. And if you're not sure where to begin, take our brand new quiz. It only takes a few minutes and we'll show you how space is affecting you. Plus the first step you can take right now to feel just a little bit better. You'll find the quiz link in the episode description. So whether it's joining us for the roadmap or starting with the quiz, take that step today. You don't have to do this alone. I look forward to seeing you on the inside.

So let's turn the corner here and talk about a little bit of a Follow the fun. The fall of the fun today for me was on this idea of quality questions. The quality questions that we do in our introspection, of trying to understand ourselves and the life that we live are directly determined by the quality of questions that we asked ourselves. So quality questions Create a quality life. And so I thought when going through a challenging time, which if this podcast resonates with you, you probably are, it's important to ground ourselves and remember that there's always good stuff abound, even though we're going through a difficult time. And sometimes it is exceptionally difficult to see and remember. Like, we can get so mired and overwhelmed in the emotional difficulty of any given situation that we can forget that there is always good stuff abound in us and around us as well. And this causes me to think of a picture that my. My dear sister gave to me, who has had a myriad of challenges in her life, as we all have. And as she pulled this out when I was visiting her here recently, it caused me to remember what it is I'm sharing with you today, which is a little girl that's standing on a ladder, reaching into the sky. And as she's reaching into the sky, the clouds are black and it's going to rain. It looks like it's just going to overwhelm her. And yet. And there's this one little spot in the sky where there's glitter literally falling, falling from the sky. And she can see the glitter. And so she's on this little ladder just like, oh, yes, that piece, please, that piece. I. I want that. And I think, man, can't we all relate to what that feels like sometimes when we're mired in the difficulty and we forget that there is a little bit of glitter available to us and around us. Us. So I wanted to propose some questions for you today that might help you see the glitter that is happening in your life right now for yourself. And so the first question is this, number one, what qualities within you right now are you most proud of? There's some things that you've done, yes, that are messy and things to learn and grow and, yes, trauma that you've lived through. But what are the other aspects of you that are incredible, strong, courageous, brave, beautiful, kind, generous? What are the challenges that you've already overcome in your life? And what are the most proud moments that you can reach for that help you see that glitter? Number two, who have I loved and contributed to today? It's a funny thing that the more I give, the more I get in this conversation of love. And so when I give love, I seem to get love. I get the appreciation and acknowledgement of others when I give something of myself. And so today, who is it that you've loved and contributed to today? Because in that, I bet you also have seen a little bit of glitter? And number three, how can I use today as an investment into my future? Even though it's tough, what can I learn and extract from today that's going to help me in my tomorrow? Often, as human beings, what is difficult teaches me so much about what it is I want and where it is I need to go next as well as you know what, it's important for us to know what doesn't work for us as much as it is for us to know what does. So this is where today, regardless of what's playing out in your life, can absolutely serve as that piece of glitter because it teaches you what this investment of today and what your understanding of today is that can help you in tomorrow. And then what does my pain show me about what I truly want? What do I want? We get stuck and don't want so often we get stuck there, we obsess there, we get lost there, but we don't understand. Sometimes that pain shows me what I do want so just flip it to its opposite if I don't want this and what do I want want what does my pain today show me about what I truly want? And five, the last one. What can I do right now to pursue what I want in just small ways? I can chunk it down and I can get a tiny piece if the whole thing isn't available to me today. But there's always a tiny piece that I can take action on and pursue in this moment. And we want to take that, we want to see that, we want to go there. And so let me just read these to you really quickly again in case you're writing them down. What qualities within me am I most proud of? Number one. Number two, how have I loved and contributed today? Three, how can I use today as an investment into my future? Four, what does my pain show me about what I truly want? And five, what can I do right now to pursue what I want? Please take some action on that little teeny, tiny piece today. And this puts you just like my picture of the little girl standing on the ladder, desperately reaching for the glitter that exists in her life. May we all remember it's there regardless of how dark it may seem. There's always a little bit of glitter that's available for us. May we put in the effort to find it? Each week we choose a theme song for our episode. And today's song is by Aloe Black and Leanne Rimes. I do. And this song I chose because they're talking about understanding love and they thought they had it all figured out and then they find themselves in this very difficult place and they say, I do now understand deeper aspects of myself. I do. And I thought I do is something we say we get married. I do is something that I say when I understand you and I understand our situation in new and profound ways. And essentially that's what a plan is, right? Separation with purpose. And a plan is by finding ourselves on those places where we can say, I do. I get it now. I understand it now. Right? We've grown now. I do. I get it. So you can enjoy this on our Spotify playlist at Spotify Love Shack Live playlist. You can also enjoy this song and find this song on our our website by going to staceybartley.com and hitting the podcast tab and looking at Love Shack Live playlist. So thank you so much for joining us and being here with us today for this episode of Love Shack Live. It's truly been a pleasure. We look forward to being back here again with you soon. Bye bye for now.