#238: Space Isn’t a Plan: Why “Leaving Them Alone” Backfires

Have you ever stared at your phone, heart pounding, wondering if the silence from your partner means they're pulling away for good? You replay the old conversations in your head. You imagine what they're thinking. You tell yourself to give them space. But inside you're screaming for connection. And you're screaming for answers. Space without connection is like cutting the power and expecting the lights to stay on. Sooner or later, everything seems to go dark. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone at a relationship crossroads. If you're facing daily difficulties, feeling the emotional gap grow, and still hoping for a bond that feels real and lasting, well, you're in the right place. I am your host, Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor and emotional skill builder. And alongside of me is my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke. Together, we guide you through the messy, beautiful, and transformational work of relationships. In a recent episode, we spoke about Brooke's marathon website project and how it became an unexpected mirror for what happens during relationships. Working through challenges A few of our clients told us that they saw themselves in the parallels of our story and said, gee, I realized I needed to leave my partner alone so that they can figure it out. It caused me personally to think, gosh, okay, but that's not the whole story to consider here. Because what happens when your partner won't engage at all, or only when begged or prodded? Would simply leaving them alone be the best option? And the answer is not at all. No, not at all. I want to point out here that even though redesigning our website was a difficult experience, all three of us kept coming to the table. We stayed in communication with each other. We told the truth about where we were even when the update was, I haven't done a damn thing. I haven't made any progress whatsoever. Or gosh, I'm still working on it. I haven't figured it out yet. So in today's episode, we're asking, what does it really take to go from being separated to help you build and rebuild instead of break apart? And why? Just leaving them alone without structure or mutual effort can backfire on you fast. Leaving someone alone is not what we need to do. We gave Brooke time and space, but we did not micromanage her. And all three of us kept coming to the table over and over and over again.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

So the first thing that I want to touch on in this episode is the importance of agreements, and we've been talking a lot about this in our Better Love Club Monday night class for the whole Month of August actually, because there is a lot to say and a lot to understand and a lot to explore. In the realm of agreements, we don't talk about them at all. We think that we have agreements. When we don't, we make up expectations and assumptions which creates more and more conflict. And so this agreement conversation will allow for you to navigate through difficulties. And if you don't have them in place, it's going to commonly lead to breakdown. Because here's the truth. There's real world consequences of not having agreements and a clear understanding between us. It creates uncertainty, mistrust and emotional distance that can make reconnection even harder. Opposed to that, agreements create safety. We relax when we know what to expect. Imagining agreements gives us enthusiasm for living. Like if we could think up ways that we could be supported in those agreements so that we could have some reassurance on some safety, it would be life giving regardless of what they are. It's living in the what if and the unknown and the trying to reinterpret it or reimagine it without any conversation at all that has us living that horror story within our own minds. Keeping agreements means that we build trust in ourselves, we build trust in each other and we build trust in where we're going. And each time we follow through, we strengthen the integrity of myself, the integrity in us and the hope and the faith in life itself. This breeds consistency and well being. So when we know what's steady, we have more energy to play and create and live our lives. Even though we're going through a very difficult time now. I know I just said a lot, but agreements are so important. As we have said often space without a plan is just more space. There was a reason why we gave time to Brooke, but that doesn't mean she went mia. If she's gone mia, we have a whole nother thing. So I wanted to come back and correct this misconception and immediately when I started to get many, many of our listeners commenting on this. Oh, so I just need to leave them alone and then that's what's going to do it? No, actually not at all. There's a whole nother thing and a nuance to consider. We need agreements that can help us rudder and find that foundation underneath us. And more importantly, if we keep them and I can trust myself to keep agreements and I can trust you to keep agreements, then we can start building a foundation of that steadies us in the process regardless of what those agreements are.

Yeah, I would just say what's coming up for me is. And yes, we've talked all month on this inside of our Better Love Club. But agreements. So Brooke and Stacy and I, we have an agreement. We had a first agreement about this whole website, which is a massive rebrand. It wasn't just a new website. So my point there is, because we kept coming to the table, allowed us to keep looking at, okay, what needs to be revised in that original agreement. And most people think, oh, my gosh, if I have to revise the agreement, then we're done. No, that's the only way agreements work, because nothing stays the same.

There's a lot of parallel between this and space. Because when I was asking my parents if I could take on this big project, I didn't know what it was going to take from me. I was guessing on the front end, and I was like, I think this is what it's going to be like. And it turned out to be something totally different, which I think this space can be the same thing. You go into it kind of knowing what skills you need to work on, but sometimes what's uncovered is something, something, a skill you totally didn't even know that you were lacking or that you needed to work on. So in that case, the agreements or the things that you're working on need to change. But what's important to realize is that you can't know that before it takes place. When you're coming back to the table to renegotiate some of these agreements, it's not because you failed. It's because you didn't know what you didn't know, and you couldn't figure out what you didn't know until you started trying. And I think we a lot of times incorrectly label that as failure when it simply needs to be labeled as trying or learning or getting better. Because a lot of times my update on our agreement was, guys, I'm struggling or I don't have the thing completed that I said I was going to get completed this week, and here's why. Here's my proof. Or what I figured out I needed to work on instead. And there was some disappointment there. But what never stopped was our communication and our honesty and our openness.

Yeah. And I would, believe me. Was I excited to pull up the chair, think, oh, gosh, honey, I can't wait for Brooke shows us. And then she shared that, like, what the hell?

If we ever do a large project again, I'm never doing that. I'm going to show you everything on Thursday program. That is too much pressure. So that feels like I'm getting ready to put on a big performance every week on Thursday before the podcast. The most pressure I've ever felt, maybe something that would be better is like micro checkpoints along the way. So it wasn't these huge buildups where you guys are expecting the world. And I don't have that much to show you. That is what I would say is a setup for failure, because in those aspects, I would kind of slink down and go inside of myself because I felt so bad about me and like, that I wasn't holding up my end of the agreement. But I think also some of our agreements were too big.

I have just something just came to mind. I hope you listener will resonate. It's really thinking that as soon as my partner comes back, everything will be fine again. Hell, it will. I mean, let's just really give that some objective context here, to be fair. And this is with great love and respect, because 99% of the people that come to us in this place, they say, tom, Stacey, Brooke, just help me get my partner back. Is that not true, ladies?

Also, it's thinking that you'll send your partner off for their space that they've requested, and then they'll come back and everything will be better.

Based on what? If you don't have any skills? There's no way you can change your behavior if you don't have some practice of those skills. We can't change our behavior if we don't know what to do outside of what we know is not working. And we go, okay, this is not working. Okay, we just won't do that.

It's also not gonna work if you say, okay, honey, go take your space. And here's the check. I took this quiz on the Internet, and here's the checklist of skills I'm not good at. Maybe you take it and then figure out what you're not good at. You go take the space and you get good at all those skills. But I'm going to give you no plan. You're going to have no, like, lessons on how to achieve those skills. You're going to have no practice. You're just going to go sit over there. I'm going to go sit over here, and we're both going to get better at these skills we're lacking. Is that going to work, mom too?

No, because it's the difference between reading about a skill and going, okay, that makes logical sense, and actually being able to do them, especially when it counts. And here's the thing, it's much more Difficult to do when the heat is up and I'm. I'm triggered and I'm an emotionally flooded hot mess is what I call it. That's where my skill, if I haven't practiced that idea of it that I read in my little quiz, is going to go right in the garbage can if I haven't practiced it and it hasn't become somewhat second nature to me. Like these take repetitions, just like doing pushups or sit ups and getting better and stronger as you go. You need to do the thing. One of the greatest things in our culture right now because of the Internet and now AI and chatty can give you an explanation and a heartfelt blow rainbow up your ass message is that this is turning us into talking heads that can't do when rubber hits the road. I'm just being real with you. Like, you and I now get into a conflict and I'm going to turn into a conversation of labeling and diagnosing you because of all my logical head knowledge, which is going to take us into more conflict and not help us resolve the conflict.

And let me just, just a quick filler here because, you know, I am the detail guy. We do have a brand new quiz and so we're not talking out of one side of our mouth and then saying something out of the other. It is designed to help you understand where you're not skilled in certain areas.

I meant that if people took our new quiz and then expected that to be the end all, be all solution, all they needed to do was take the quiz and then take the information they got from the quiz and go work on that skill. Skill with no mentorship they would. I was thinking of it because I said, okay, guys, I'm going to go create a new website and brand. See you later. That's what I did. I said, I'm going to go create. I'm going to go create a. I'm going to brand our whole business and create pages for everything we offer. I'll see in two weeks. That's where I came up with what I said, because it's the same thing. I didn't have anyone coaching me. I didn't have anyone telling me I was figuring it out all on my own. And that's why it took so long.

We'd pull up our little chair on Thursdays and go, okay, this is going to take us to the promised land. What do you got for us, Brookie? And then it would be, that's where we are, man. I mean, like, okay, see you next week. Hope for better results. Right? And that's what we so do in our relationships. Like, okay, now that I've sent you this podcast episode, or now that we had sex, or now that we finally got together and went to dinner, okay, when you moving back? Let's do this. Take me to the promised land. And we don't realize that we don't know what we don't know. No, we really don't. Until we start on the journey. And now looking back, it's like, just like Brookie said. Oh, my gosh. We were naively prepared for this project, but. But we probably wouldn't have started it either if we knew what we were doing.

We would have put it off forever. We would have said, no is not the right time. We'll wait till next month. Over and over and over again, you.

Know, which is what we do in our relationships when we know we need to put in some effort and some elbow grease, maybe look at ourselves, understand what's going on, understand the patterns and the dynamics. I mean, those aren't things we just sit down and in an evening. Those are things that we have to commit to for long term. If I don't make it into a lifestyle, then it won't stick. So I become this talking head, as I've already mentioned, going around and label and diagnosing everybody, but can't do for myself. I can see it outside of myself, but I can't do it within myself. And that's the whole point. We need to stop labeling outside of ourselves and start challenging ourselves and developing the ability and the acumen, because we all have the capacity. But will you acquire the ability is the thing. And so this is that moment where we go, okay, agreements are really important. And then we go, I don't know anything about agreements. And I guess the rest of it is just, we're good to go. And we all know, especially if you've been in a relationship for a long period of time, that's not going to do anything for us when the honeymoon wears off. And all of a sudden, we start to understand and realize we are at the bottom of our skills and we don't know what to do. That is a really great time to raise your hand and. And scale up like you need help and support. Just like we would if I said, hey, I want to learn how to drive a boat or I want to fly a plane. Okay, well, I better skill up. To think that I could just jump in there and do it because I've read the manual is ridiculous. And the same is True here in our relationships, this idea that we're just supposed to be good at it, where does that come from? How did we buy into that idea of the fairy tale that if I meet my right person or my soulmate, then there's not supposed to be any challenges? That is such a lie.

Well, and I would just say, though, our quiz is designed and it's personalized because it's based on how you've answered the questions to very accurately help you see where you are in this snapshot in time with the five areas that have been laid out in this quiz. It's very personalized information because you're the one that took it. So there's nothing really we could give you better than here's where you're at. And then here's. Ideally, where we'd like you to go. Ideally is to score 100% in all five areas. But to be fair, I wouldn't even score 100% in all five areas.

Well, and there we're always needing to tinker. Don't arrive anywhere. So, you know, if. If you go back and take the quiz again next month and you've got different stressors and things pulling on you internally and externally, your thing is going to be different. Just like if I can balance on one foot today, I may not be able to balance on that same foot tomorrow. That is constantly a work in progress and is constantly changing, which then only highlights and reiterates what Tom said earlier about our agreements need to be renegotiated consistently and constantly. Because what works for me and you today may not work for me and you tomorrow. And that can be unnerving at first because we do buy into the idea that we want these things to be guarantees. We want them to be stable, and we need that stability lowers our cortisol levels. It gives us confidence and trust in ourselves and in our relationships. But we're focusing on creating stability and foundation in the wrong places. We're trying to create it in these illusionary places where if I just don't bring it up, we're okay. Or if I shut that conversation down or have a good reason and a good story and a good excuse, then we're okay. No, you're not. That's not stability. That's actually instability. The things that we can talk about and come back to and revisit again and again is the thing that, you know, you have that creates stability in your relationship, in ourselves and each other, and our ability to keep agreements with ourselves and each other or clean them up and acknowledge When I break them and not just simply give a great story to justify why I did it. Again, that creates instability, not stability, which is what you want.

I would say that being able to admit when you break an agreement takes the highest amount of emotional safety. And I would also think that wouldn't be the first thing that they think. It's so much easier to lie about it or to make an excuse or say it wasn't my fault, but to have, you know, like radical honesty and say, hey, I know I said I would do this and I didn't get it done for this, this and this reason, or I promised I would do this thing for you and here's why it couldn't happen. Like, and to know that your partner will hear you and not immediately become defensive or scream at you and you get into this knockdown, drag out fight, that takes a level of emotional safety that probably most people have never experienced.

Simply because they don't know how to create.

Exactly, yes.

So just knowing that we now understand what emotional safety is and we've thrown it around, you know, the Internet, on social media. Oh, we just need emotional safety. Great. How do you build it? What are the daily practices that you do and that your partner collectively do to build emotional safety? Do you know what that is? Do you know how to do it? Are you doing it? Because if you don't, we can understand emotional safety all day long, but it doesn't mean you're going to experience it. And that's the difference between taking it from the logical and implementing it into your life. And if you just stop and think for a minute how you feel when somebody keeps an agreement with you, it's like exhaling. It feels good. It recauses the highest of respect that I can count on you again. Now what if I go in the other direction and somebody breaks an agreement with me? Notice how that feels. And notice how defensive we get and how guarded we start to feel. And so the keeping of these agreements or the breaking of these agreements have real impact, even though you cannot see see it. I personally wish that there was some physical dot or freckle or something that would show up on our face every time impact happened in the nuances of our thoughts and feelings. Because then we could look at each other and go, damn, you're a hot mess. What's going on? Oh, we got big problems. That one right there. We don't. And so because it's invisible, we have a tendency to negate it and the impact lives on. Even though we can justify it with A really great story. So that doesn't take us anywhere either. In fact, sometimes the more we justify a really great story around a broken agreement, the more I distrust you, the more I don't believe in anything that you're saying now, even if it's true. So the story is only taking us into a more broken down, dishonest, unsafe place and space, and a lot of us don't even know that. So some helpful agreements to get started with that you need to keep if you want to build stability and foundation. Here's a handful. And we had these agreements, albeit Brooke said we needed probably smaller ones along the way instead of just these big benchmarks. So take a lesson learned and we pass it along to you. Start small. Smaller is best so that we can create some successes here, remove some of the pressure, but also build some stability underneath us that we can work with.

So these are agreements specifically when you're experiencing space and separation.

Correct. How often do we check in with each other? Is that a daily, weekly, bi weekly, monthly? Deal right now. And notice that as we keep that agreement, we can change it to be bi weekly, weekly, daily.

I'm going to be devil's advocate because how about how often do the three of us when we're working in the roadmap? I just said that to my partner and they say, I have no idea. I just need space right now. I can't even think of a time.

Then pick a place you feel comfortable beginning. That's what you say. Then pick a place and start with the least pressure. So if somebody says, oh, I don't know, I can't give you that answer. Okay, then let's start with a month and see how we go. Let's see how we do with that, knowing that we can come back and we can renegotiate it. If that's not working for us, let's just start with something that we can start to build a foundation.

Know it's good about 30 days because that will give you, the listener, time to get them into the roadmap and work with us. You're going to be really skilled up, and so that's not going to freak you out when they say that.

And I'm going to talk about here in a minute. What if they won't go along with that? Okay, so that's going to happen. Oh, it's going to happen. And I want you to understand why. Maybe not necessarily in your case, but there's going to be listeners out there who are going to experience that. So I'm Going to speak to that in just a minute right after I give you these handful of small agreements that we need to try or attempt to see if it's available in your situation and your circumstances. Answers?

Fair enough.

How often do we check in with each other? Number two, when will you be coming home? Are you coming home? And if so, when will you be coming home? Can we create some kind of a consistent pattern that you will come home?

Do you mean coming home amongst the time that you're not home, like that you're, that you're living, say, somewhere else?

Now, some of this won't apply to you, you listeners who are doing an in home space and separation. Those are pretty rare.

Yes.

So usually somebody moves out not just down the hall or down to the basement or downstairs. So you're living apart now. And when the place that was our home continues to exist, it's important that we talk about are you coming home? And if there are kids involved and pets and responsibilities around this home, it's important that we talk about when are you coming home, who's going to take care of what. It would be important to have an understanding and some clarity there. Why? Because it's going to give everybody some ease. You know, the most horrific space to live in is when we know these things need to be done but nobody wants to talk about them. Now we're going to live in a shit show for the duration of whatever this space and separation conversation looks like. Don't set it up like that. At least attempt to create some stability and some ease and some predictability in your own life right now when there's so much that we cannot know and that we're navigating. So create spaces where you can have this stability within your life. It will benefit everyone and it doesn't even matter what the regular agreement is. Again, you're going to come home every month, you're going to come home every week, you're going to come home biweekly. It doesn't really matter what the agreement is, just ideally that you have one around it. And is sex on the table for us right now? A lot of people don't think to ask that. And so we have all kinds of opinions and expectations and assumptions about what this is or what this isn't. And we never think to have a conversation around it. And it's okay whatever you do. Some people will say, oh no, I'm not having sex. We're in space and separation. And some people will say, that's what keeps us connected. Hell yeah, we're having sex. And it doesn't matter where you fell on the spectrum. It's just that there's some clarity between you and your partner about what that is, especially out of the gate remembering again, you can come back and renegotiate these things anytime you want to change the agreement. And how do we support our children and our pets? How are we going to see them, visit them? Are we going to do it together? Are you going to take them? I'm going to take them. We rotate. Like, again, there needs to be some agreements instead of just winging it, because that's going to create so many problems and so much conflict. Because what's going to run the show is your expectations and assumptions about how you're thinking it needs to go. And I guarantee you your partner's coming up with a whole secondary subset of what that looks like. And if you're lucky, you'll see it the same. But that's going to be exceptionally rare when we're all living in our own minds and our own spaces and expectations. So have the conversation and vet it out. How and when do we manage our money? There's still bills to be paid. Life's going to continue to beat on. How are we going to navigate that? Who's going to pay what and who's going to take care of what?

I think what Stacy just shared there, and we remind our roadmap people often, is, I think it's easy. It's like when we're in this space and separation, it's as if the rest of life is also, like, stopped. As much as we feel like that, it's not. And so I cannot overemphasize. The reason why Stacy, all of us are so impassioned about this is this will allow you to have the benefits, hopefully, that we want to have for you while you're navigating. Otherwise it's going to add an enormous amount of overload just to navigate this because there's been no conversation about it. The fact that you have a conversation doesn't mean you still can't experience the space and separation. Yes, you can. But if you have any commingling parts in all of those areas and most of our that you are listening, do well, then speak to it on the front side. That's going to make it so much more realistic that you're going to get through this place of space and separation with a possible transformation to a 2 or a 3.0. That's it.

I would also say that this place of space and separation is a Time where we make up the most stories about what's happening. Like, we. We make up the most mental horror films in our head. We assume the worst. A lot of the time we. We put meaning to things that really our partner did not mean it in the way that we're taking it. All of those things happen, and all of those things are kind of vital. Those assumptions can make or break your current situation. So you know what removes those assumptions? Communication. A lot of communication. And you know, when communication is probably the hardest in space and separation, we're not just saying this to say it. Like, these skills are vital, and if you don't have them, it's going to make this road so much rockier than.

It needs to be. So here's some agreements that made it work for us. Meaningless.

We're using this massive website, so we're bringing a real case study to you all so you can, you know, I mean, this is because, yeah, we've had a lot of people say, oh, yeah, well, I just need to do like you guys do.

Maybe that's one side of the equation. And what you're saying is, oh, we just need to not micromanage her and leave her alone and not create pressure. And that was all true. But what happens when she doesn't show up and she doesn't play her role and she's not keeping the agreements that we have now? We've entered into a whole different experience, haven't we? Because I'll tell you right now, I wouldn't have been okay with her just all of a sudden not showing up and me wondering what the hell is going on with my website. Well, that's not going to work. We're going to have to come up with a new plan for that one. Okay, but think about how many times we do this in this space that the agreement gets broken or we have no foundation and then we just hang out there not thinking that any of this is going to impact our relationship. But the longer I hang out there, the more unsafe I feel and the more I'm probably going to act out and do some things I regret later than I am saying. Look, we got to do something about this, okay? This isn't working. We've got to have a conversation about this. So here's how it did work. Because of the agreements that we had between us, Brooke gave us updates. And sometimes those updates were really hard. And I know for a fact Brooke didn't want to come to the table and update us. She would have just avoided it if she could have but she knew the impact that that would have overall in our relationship and our ability to complete this project together cohesively. Like, we would not disrespect and dishonor each other that way. Instead, I'm going to choose to show up and do the hard thing and say, I don't have anything. I'm struggling. I've hit some roadblocks. I wasn't making any progress today. And I want you to know it was beautiful, too, when all of us got to celebrate. And she was so proud of what she had created and what she had done. Because I want you to know those moments are incredibly memorable, too. But it's because we'll come together and talk about the difficult things on the agreements at the time and space allotted that we agreed to that kept faith and confidence and security and respect and love and consideration and trust and safety in the model as we were navigating it.

Yeah. Just to add there. There were moments where I was like, God, it would be so nice if I could just text them and say, can we reschedule to next week? But I knew that wasn't an option. I didn't. It wasn't even available to me. Like, I couldn't do that. So I had to say, I'm gonna have to go to our meeting tomorrow. And I'm gonna have to say, I don't have anything to show you. And that only happened one time. There were a couple of times where I didn't have as much as I wanted, but it only happened one time where I said, I don't have anything to show you, because it was a terrible experience for me. My parents were very understanding, as much as they could be. It wasn't because of them. It was because of me. I didn't like how it felt inside, so it was like I needed to experience that, to know that I never wanted to experience that again.

And we all wrestle within ourselves in these places and spaces, and very often we can enroll ourselves in doing things that have great impact and that honestly take us on the direction that we don't want to go. And we make it up that it doesn't have any impact, but it absolutely does. All three of us were willing to come to the table regularly, even though it might be uncomfortable. And I want to talk about what that means, because coming to the table is a wonderful skill. And the reason why we got through this in the manner that we did with its challenges and ups and downs for all of us. We were all having very different internal experiences along the pathway. And as we came to the table, we could share them with each other, we could lean in and we could support each other in it. And that's what existing relational skills will give you. So what does it mean to come to the table? Coming to the table is a place, it's a metaphor that I've created so that it represents the emotional and relational space where we meet. We each have a responsibility to bring ourselves to the table of night, not just physically, but emotionally and energetically as well. And here's the kicker. No one can drag us there, no one can force us to share. We must arrive by choice, on our own accord, because otherwise it won't work. You have to willingly come to the table. And at the table we also need to manage ourselves, which is where high level degree of skills are going to come in. Otherwise we won't last very long at the table. We will exit the table stage right or stage left with a great story that this is stupid, it's not working. I shouldn't have to do this. It's too much pressure. You've done it wrong. Like, the stories can go on and on and on, but I'm responsible for how I show up at the table and how I conduct myself at the table. At the table, we speak our truths, we listen with curiosity. We take responsibility for our behavior and our emotions, ideally without blaming or punishing others for them. Okay, now I just said a whole lot. There is your mind going, holy shit. How do you do that? How do you do that? How do you do that? How do you do that? Yeah, I know, me too. We need some skills. I know I keep saying that, but it's so skill based.

The most important thing, practice, practice, practice. Before we hit record. On Thursdays we come together lots of time. Before we hit record. Even today was a rather heated coming to the table.

I'll. I got a little sassy at mom too when we were editing some copy together.

But it happens. So us like. Yeah, I mean, so you know, I mean. And can I take a side?

I was very defensive. Dad stayed very neutral and he.

I mean, I. I try because you know, Brooks, my Brook's my blood. To be fair, Brooke and I have. It's two to one when we come together. It's Brooke and I. And mom too is over here. But I mean, but I'm just. I'm having some fun.

But it's real.

It got pet because of the freaking passion that we have and what we see.

People waiting.

For the love of God, don't wait. You're Just going to get more of the same, which is bad. And I really can't be. That's as frank as I can say it without losing my. You know, it saddens us because of the amount of pain that we work with and see and feel and experience with the people that we work with.

Yeah.

It's like you don't have to. It doesn't have to be that hard.

Yeah, I was thinking, mom too, when you said there's a lot of pressure of coming. Like it can feel when you first start coming to the table like this.

My gosh.

That you're coming to a performance every week at your designated time to come to the table. And I know I already mentioned emotional safety, but that really is the answer to eliminating the pressure. Because when you know that you can show up as you are no matter what, and your partner won't become defensive, or at least they'll try as hard as they can to hear you without having all their baggage come onto the table in that moment, that really is the answer to lowering the pressure and making it feel like a table where you really can talk. And I think for some people that probably sounds like a fantasy because they've never experienced it before. But I want to tell you it's true. Because the things that we see our clients share with us or with each other that they've never been able to share before is magical, but it's based in real tangible skills that you can see work right in front of you.

That's so funny you said that because I could hear somebody going through it. I can't, I can't do this. This isn't possible. They're talking about like a whole bunch of fairy tales, woo woo stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, look, as a human being, we all have the capacity to do this. All of us do. What's lacking is our ability to implement it and know what it is we need to implement so that you too, yes. Can have a safe place to share. And you know how to create that for yourself even if somebody isn't willing to give it to you. Because one of the things about the table is you can extend an invitation for others to join you at the table, but you cannot force them to come because if you do, it's not going to go well. So don't bother. We can ask them to share themselves, but we can't demand it. All we can do is demonstrate a safe place to do that. And you need to know how to create safety in order to do that for Yourself and them. And how someone shows up at the table is not really your responsibility. It's not unless you're just intentionally trying to push buttons, manipulate them, and be a dick. If you are doing everything you know how to create safety and regulate yourself while you're in your own chair and your side of the table, well, then often what they're showcasing you is what fires them off, what upsets them, where they go, the conclusions that they jump to, the struggles that they have internally, and how they show up at the table reveals the truth about what's actually available in the relational space between you. Now, that might be a big gold moment, but that's the only way we're going to be able to see and get what's truly available based on what we're making up as true in our minds. If people are willingly coming to the table and the conversations are difficult, but we do our best to come back, and then when it goes sideways, we take a pause and then we come back again, we'll be able to work through some stuff. But if somebody is avoiding the coming to the table and they keep kicking the tan down the road and they won't join you there for this story, that reason, that explosion, this outburst, then that's telling you, I can't work on this by myself.

Can't it be very triggering too, when you maybe say you have been the super like explosive partner for a very long time, you're always triggered and you're always over emotional, and then you become very emotionally regulated and you're showing up totally differently. Can't that make your partner kind of like, whoa, whoa, whoa, why are you acting like this? So, meaning, like you can come to the table in a whole different way and you expect your partner to be like, wow, you finally changed in the way that I wanted you to change all this time. And then instead they're like, why are you acting like this? It's so weird. So that can be very jarring because you're like, what do you mean? I did all this work and I'm showing up regulated. And now you're saying it's weird.

It very much is. And it's amazing how in the chaos of our relationship, we become so accustomed to it that then when it starts to settle down and we do start to create a foundational place to stand, at least for yourself coming to the table, your partner can get freaked out and defensive about that because they don't understand what's going on. And it also highlights that you've been able to accomplish that and I haven't. And so I can get defensive from that place too. And the last thing that I'm going to say about that is we very often hide behind the behaviors of each other. That means that if I can get you to explode because I exploded or I exploded and then you exploded, well, then we can blame each other for that and we can hide behind each other's stories there. That your explosion now justifies what I'm about to say and do that I know is not okay, and vice versa. And so we hide behind each other's stories in that way. And so then when you start to change the narrative and I've got nothing that I can say or do that causes your participation, I've just lost my excuses or my ability to hide behind your behavior. So now I gotta start looking at my own. And I'm uncomfortable with that. Damn it, don't make me work on that. I just want to blame you because that's easy. That's much easier than me having to take a good hard look and inventory of myself and skill up on my own. If a person chooses not to engage, to withhold, or to avoid showing up at all, that too is information we must honor even when it's hard and disappointing. I cannot co create with somebody who is unwilling to meet me at the table. Okay, what's that? What's co creation? I also want to talk about co creation. And then we've got to wrap this up because I can't believe that we've gone on for as long as we have. That just tells me that we got very lost in passion. And I hope that there's some really great takeaways for you, listener, because these things are really important and they're things that we just don't talk about. If you're not here, I don't think you're going to find them anywhere else. And so co creation is this experience that is the mix of you and I. A relationship truly is a co creation because the way I show up, it's going to absolutely impact the way you show up and vice versa. It's truly a living, breathing process of building something together every day at a time, choice by choice, moment by moment. In relationships, co creation is the sacred dance of you and me that then creates the us we each bring our story worries, our wounds, our desires, our talents to the table of life. And from that mix, we shape the experience between us, as we commonly call our relationship. So every interaction is a contribution or an extraction of the co creation between us. So A touch, a tone, a truth, a silence. It all adds up in the mix. And we are never not co creating. The quality of us isn't an accident or luck. It is a shared creation that is built often unconsciously and without any skill whatsoever. So we need to be mindful of what we're doing and why coming to the table matters. With the highest degree of skills we can muster in that moment, knowing we all have to begin where we are, we can create amazing things moment by moment, conversation by conversation. Even if it goes sideways and I make a mess and I blow it all up, I do a do over, I come back to the table and we go again. And I promise you, if you practice that it will change your life. And I don't care what your background is, I don't care how shitty your childhood was. All I need is for you to have a willingness to sit and wrestle with yourself for a minute and learn what it means to get your ass to the table and how to manage it while you're there so that you can create a safe place for you and a safe place for your partner. Now, I know that's a lot we just threw at you, but I think it's important for you to understand why we do what we do so that you can learn from these principles and skills that we share with you. Because we really do want to work ourselves out of a job. I believe that every single person on the planet should be given the information and the ability that they need to acquire the ability that they need from the skills and the learning and the information to have great relationships. Because I know that that single solitary thing will improve the quality of our life. Our homes, ourselves, our communities and our world at large. Like it matters. Everything we're pursuing is built on this foundation of a relationship. The invisible, the unseen. And when that thing blows, it's going to affect everything else. Your health, your wealth, your mental sense of well being, your kids, your families, your pets, the backyard grass. Like everything is on the chopping block here. And you know that. And that's one of the reasons why we get so freaked out when all of a sudden our world becomes this unknown thing when we thought we had it all. I want you to see that as a time like a wake up call that says it's time to skill up. It's time to understand a lot of principles and skills that I just wasn't taught. It's not your fault that I didn't know that weren't passed along, that we didn't study well. Now would be a really great time to do that, don't you think? If not now, when? And we have a tendency in this uninvisible place to kind of kick that can down the road. Please don't do that. You deserve so much more. So if we are speaking to you, a great place for you to start is to take the quiz. It's going to show you the places where you have skills. We all have some sort of skills, right? And we all have skills that we need to improve and work on. That's going to be true for the rest of our lives. But where are you? It's going to give you that you are here on your map. And then if you are navigating space and separation right now, I know no better thing than to invite you to come into the roadmap with us for 30 days. It's going to give you what you need to practice and focus on so that you right now in your life can create a foundation of stability not only within yourself, but it'll also teach you how to create that for your partner and the us part of that co creation that I know you adore. That's why you're such a hot mess. And then from there it's going to be a win however it goes, because you're going to know what's available and what everyone is willing to do at the table to make this work better than you'd ever hoped. Or you're going to understand why we can't go forward. And then what I need to do in order to create happiness again in my life, I don't know how it's going to go, but I'm just hoping that this is a wake up call for you to realize you've got to get skilled up. Like this is important. Your life counts, it matters, you matter. How you go forward matters. And the best thing I can give you is the skills and principles in order to make those things happen. Go to our episode description and you're going to find all the links that you need to explore all the things that I've just mentioned here. All right, so it's time to shift the corner. I know that that was a lot to throw at you. We throw out a lot of new concepts. I hope that it helps you. And I'm just going to ask you to please sit and let these just ruminate for a minute, get a drink of water, go for a walk, Just kind of ponder what's been said here in this podcast today. It's very rich, as they say. So slow it down, listen to it several times, take it a bite at a time. Just kind of consider the things that we've shared here today. Because what I'm about to right now is do a hard right. And I want you to know that we do that intentionally so that you learn that you can do that, that we can be having this very rich conversation and then we can go and have some fun, or we could be in the throes of some conflict and. And go and have some fun. It's important that we understand we can do those things, reaching for what's available and what's next. So as I've mentioned in the podcast episode, we are really mess making machines. Like it's so true. If there's a way to mess something up, me as a human being will find it. And I wish we could tell the truth about that more often. And we live life in our expectations and assumptions and gosh, we endure more mess and not less when we're living from this place. So today I invite you to share a moment where an expectation totally flopped. It was an agreement that was never spoken except in your own mind, or that was misunderstood or just flat out ignored. What is it? And now genuinely ask for it. Like, what is an expectation that you had that when it all played out, flopped? So you can give yourself the credit of being a human being and you make messes. Because when we realize it was an expectation that was never spoken, wow, it really gives us a path forward to do it differently, doesn't it? And realize and come to the realization that we all make things up in our minds, that we never speak. It was just a bunch of expectations and assumptions that flopped. And then I get upset about it. But when I really stopped to think about it, as I want you to do right now, did you ask? Was it disclosed? Was it discussed? Did you both go check, check. I agree, we're in this together. Let's move forward with that. Or did you overstep, leap, jump into, misunderstand, not communicate, not share, not ask, force, demand, corner, obligate, all the other things we do outside of knowing how to truly create an agreement. Just something for you to explore today. And our song for today is a song that basically speaks to how brave we need to be to sit at the table, how brave we need to be to skill up, to do an inventory of ourselves, to tell the truth, and to step into building our ability out of the capacity that we have to do the things that we've talked about here on this podcast. And so I've chosen Sarah Bareilles Brave. That's the name of her song. Brave. And so be brave, be bold. What you have to say, what you need, it matters, it counts. Don't keep what you need to say in the form of expectations and assumptions. Share them, give them life, breathe them. Create a foundation, have a dialogue, have a conversation. And scale up because you sitting at the table with somebody is going to require it. You can listen to this week's song along with our entire Relationship Playlist by going to our website podcast page or search it up on Spotify by searching Love A Shack Live Playlist. Thank you so much for being here with us today, and if this conversation moved you, helped you feel just a little more seen, or gave you something to think about, please consider sharing it with someone you care about. Because that's how this podcast grows. From heart to heart, story to story, human to human. And if it's helped you personally, please consider leaving us a review or commenting. We would love to hear from you because we're so grateful and honored to be a part of this relationship journey with you. Remember, because it's something that needs to be said more often. Love isn't built by avoiding the hard stuff. It's built by learning how to move through it together with better skills. Bye Bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.