#24: How To Talk About Your Sex Life When You Feel Like The Spark Has Gone Out

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. A little old place where we get to get together and explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling in your marriage, just starting out a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is the show for you. My name is Stacy Bartley and I am here with my co host and lover, Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping singles and couples to love more and fear lessen their relationships both with themselves and others.

And a shout out to our podcast listeners wherever you're catching this. If you're catching our podcast, that means you are listening to it whenever it works for you. But we are also live every Thursday at KKNW up in Seattle, our awesome partner station. I share that with you. If you ever like to catch us live, ask us a question live, we'd love to have you. Bottom line is, wherever you are today or tonight or wherever, and taking out of your day evening to listen to us, we sure appreciate you.

Yeah, absolutely. We appreciate you being here with us today. We're going to dive into a really juicy topic. It's probably going to make your face flush for a minute and your armpits sweaty, but I'm going to encourage you to hang with us because it's one of the most important conversations we can have around our relationships. Sounds serious, I know, but it's really not. In fact, it works better if you just kind of take the pressure off. But we'll get into that. We're going to talk about how to talk about sex in our sex lives and how it is that we can feel the spark and re engage in this conversation even if it's been a while. The reality is more than 80% of men and women report a lack of satisfaction in their sex lives at some point in their relationships. And for many, it can be an absolutely devastating experience. Some may find that masturbation, pornography or affairs can fill the void and their sexual needs. Or they may shut down and become completely non sexual. And although these may be workable solutions for some people, for many this is a terribly painful and lonely situation. And this unbalance in our sex lives can lead to divorce, infidelity, and even tragically, suicide in our lives. So it's time for us to take the elephant in the room and point to it and talk about our relationships through the lens of our sex lives. Because sex and intimacy are an essential part of our lives, whether it's the part you're attempting to currently ignore and push away, or it's all you can think about in this moment now. Look, I know we often feel like this type of conversation is not allowed. However, it's kind of funny because when we think about it, it's where we all come from. This is what gave us all life. So right here today in the love shack, Tom and I are going to be here to help you kick the door open on this conversation first with yourself. And hopefully we'll be going to be able to support you in opening that door with your lover or partner too. Because this is where all great relationships begin. Stay with us even if you're noticing that your armpits are getting really, really sweaty and you're becoming uncomfortable. We'll be right back.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection, finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to Stacybartley.com fairydust stacybartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy struggle treat.

Do you feel like your love life is on life support? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to stacybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationships. S-T A C I B A R T L E Y.com Visit stacybartley.com today an alternative to everything else on your radio dial. Alternative Talk 11:50.

Hey, welcome back. Today we're going to be jumping into the conversation of how to talk about speaking sex and your sex life. We're going to begin with thinking about it from your own perspective. But then hopefully by time we're done. We're going to empower you with ways that you can actually take this conversation into a partner type of a situation as well. And I notice that myself sometimes when I'm with clients that it becomes a very uncomfortable conversation for us to embark on. And I want you to just breathe easy, even though maybe your armpits are feeling a little sweaty right now. Just hang with us because I think you're going to be surprised about what sex is, what we need to do with it, and why it plays such a key role in our relationships. Right. We're going to give you the real deal here. And listen, there's two simple questions I'm going to share with you to get the conversation started. I'm going to give you some helpful ways to overcome the difficulty of talking about sexuality and desire and what it is you really need and why that gets shut down. And I'm going to also talk about how to understand and maybe overcome some of the disappointment and frustration and hurt that you've experienced as a result, result of not understanding the role that sex plays in our lives as we go forward.

And if have, if you have questions, you know, we, I know we talk a lot about this. We would love for you to call in. You can do it in a number of different ways, but a couple different ways is you call in to 425-3735-527. You don't have to give your name, you don't have to give where you live. You can also text us a question at 601-207-0080.

And I want you to know that questions from our listeners always trump whatever it is we've had planned. So I encourage you to call in when you feel inspired to. There's probably going to be some things that are going to come up as we proceed in the conversation. So I just wanted to lay that groundwork for you first and foremost. Again, that number is 425-373-5527, or you can text at 601-207-0080. I want to begin why sex is important. And as human beings, we can rationalize the idea that it's not important, especially when it's been so disappointing, when it's created so many problems and challenges in a relationship. Sometimes I see my clients and my students say, gosh, could we just be done with it already? Like, could we just. And especially as we get older in life, I hear a lot of women say, oh, thank goodness I'm going through menopause because now I don't have to bothered with all of that. Right? You don't want to go there. And there's a very fundamental reason why. So as we dive into this conversation, I also want to assure you and reassure you that the same principles we need for creating better relationships in what I call our day to day lives are the same exact principles we need to understand to create better sex lives. We've shared many of these principles in our previous episodes. So if you haven't listened to them, go catch up. However, let's do a basic recap of the three critically important ones that you need to remember as we step into the conversation of sex.

And again, these, these are foundational frameworks and principles that Stacy had shared that you know what? Yes, they're very, very important for sex, but they're very, very important of simply sharing ourselves with our loved ones. And that's really the place that we teach and mentor from, is a place of practicality and place that you can simply and easily put this into your life, oftentimes with practice and mentorship. But it's not real complicated but very, very effective.

So number one, showing up is our number one challenge. Having the courage to show up is so important and is much easier when you understand yourself. And most of us are trying to understand our lovers, which makes us insecure, doubt ourselves. Right. We don't have a very easy time showing up if I don't really know and understand myself.

So when you say showing up, are you saying that we show up as an imposter of ourself?

No, no, no, no. I understand my own thoughts and feelings and I can translate them into a language I can understand and then share with you. And if I can't do that, then I need to spend some time here before I go anywhere else. It's like getting familiar with your own landscape before you try and merge that beautiful landscape with another human being. I've got to be able to translate my own thoughts, feelings and emotions into a language that I can understand. And when I get there, it's going to give me the courage and confidence to show up. Think about it. The only thing that stops us in getting what it is we want is ourselves. The way we believe in ourselves or not. Right? The places where I feel confident or I don't. And I myself am stopping and starting myself all the time. I stop myself from doing the things that I want to do. I also stop myself from doing the things I know I need to do. Right? So it's all happening with inside of us as individuals. So that's the first thing that is going to pop up here when we start talking about sexual. The second thing that's critically important is creating emotional safety necessary to share. This is true regardless of whether we're having a difficult conversation or trying to solve a problem in our daytime life or we're wanting to explore deeper aspects of ourselves in our sex life. Because the reality is, if it's not safe to share, then we won't and we don't, period. There is no way around that.

I'm just. Sorry to interrupt. This is something we talk about all the time and teach a mentor with our private clients. But me, I'll just say me when I hear, you know, and Stacey and I've been together for 10 years. When I hear safety, sometimes we don't hear the emotional safety. And most of us. Or let me. Let me rephrase that. I go to. Please understand, ladies and gentlemen, physical safety goes without saying. If that's ever an issue, please. That's never a place to jeopardize yourself. But what we're talking about here is emotional safety, meaning being able to say what you need to say without the fear of having your head taken off. Yes, Mrs. Bartlett. Yes. Yes.

And so that always follows the question of, well, what creates emotional safety? Like, well, all right, I get it. I see what you're saying. And for many, this is like an aha moment. It's like, oh, my gosh, I've never really thought about needing to feel emotionally safe, but I do, because you're right. If I don't feel emotionally safe to share, I won't.

Right. I'm not going to say what I don't. Not going to. You know, the old John Mayer song, You know, say what you need to say. That's not going to happen. And then, let's just be honest, we're not going to have incredible, you know, sexual and intimacy if we can't have emotional safety. Because it's a very, very, I would say, blended experience between the physical.

Yeah. So I might say I'm really good at number one. I get myself. I really understand myself. Oh, I can translate my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in a nanosecond, but I'm not sharing it with you.

Right.

No way. Because it's not emotionally safe. And then we can't go to the emotional safety if we don't have the physical safety.

Right.

So there's no way to get there from there. So if by chance, you are experiencing unsafe places, please, please, Please get some support. Don't wait on that. So I just want to throw that out there. So I'm assuming you're physically safe. We're talking about emotional safety here. If I don't feel emotionally safe, I can't go there. And you're going to see where this starts to play out in our sex lives as well. Maybe you already are like ahead of me, but number three is I want to remind you of fairy dust because fairy dust plays an abso role in our sex lives, believe it or not. And I want to remind our listeners if you're just joining us, especially what fairy dust is at the end of the day, it's what we all are fighting for. It's what we all need and thrive for. It's the desire that we all have to feel heard. Even if you don't agree with me, I want to know that you get me. Even if right, you don't agree with me, I feel heard. I also want to feel appreciated and acknowledged. Like I want to know that all the work, effort, time, investment, etc. Etc. I'm putting into this relationship and our love life is appreciated and it's acknowledged. And it doesn't matter if you're on the side of earning the money or you're on the side of taking care of the home and the kids or a combination of both. We all want to feel appreciated and acknowledged for what it is we're putting in. Because, you know, the reality is relationships with other people, when we're co creating, it takes a lot of energy, it takes a lot of work and thought and we want to be appreciated and acknowledged for that. And if funny thing happens, if I feel appreciated and acknowledged, I want to do more of it. If it's not appreciated and acknowledged, I don't want to do it anymore. In fact, I get angry and resentful about it. And I also want to have an experience as a human being that I matter. I don't have to matter to the world. I don't have to necessarily make a big impact on the world. But if I'm investing all this time, effort and energy and I want to feel heard by you, I want to matter at least to you. That's important to me. Because if I don't matter to you, well then what the heck are we doing here?

So how does fairy dust relate to those three? What we find in our body of work that every, all of us as humans are really looking for, when you can kind of get through all the BS that's really at the End of the day, what if you can just understand and, and, and maneuver through those three components that we're all looking for and asking for? It's going to be a pretty. I would say a less bumpy ride.

Oh, for sure.

So how do we use fairy dust with those three that, you know?

Well, we're going to use fairy dust any old time. It can be used any old time, but especially when I feel pressed against the wall, I feel emotionally uncomfortable, and I don't know what else to do.

So what would that sound like, especially to a. To a conversation about sex? Oh, I guess I'm sorry I jumped ahead. But we're going to share that towards the end.

Well, we are, but I'll give you a little precursor because. And then we're going to talk about what the principles of sex are and why it. What its primary purpose is. Very. Justice. Anytime I say I could be in the middle of a fight, and I could go, you know what? I just want you to know I love you. I mean, I really want to hear what you have to say, but I'm having a difficult time. But I love you. You matter to me. This relationship matters to me. And you know what? That'll diffuse a fight. And I don't know how long did it take me to say that? 5 seconds? 2 seconds? 3 seconds? I can precursor it. If I'm stepping into a conversation, I can say I can set the groundwork with fairy dust. And I also want to remember that anytime, even after lovemaking, I want to say, you know what? That really sucked. But you know what? Let's come back and try again, because I really love you. We're going to get good at this, right? It's that it's like coming back and you're setting the foundation and the groundwork to create that safety. There's nothing better to create safety than permission and fairy dust. And at the end of the day, that's really where we want to hone in, because I know if I have safety, we can explore lots of places with inside of myself and with inside of each other. But if there is no safety, the whole thing goes to heck in a handbasket. Okay, so what is the primary purpose of sex? Like, ready for it?

Drumroll, please.

It's to explore and share deeper aspects of ourselves. That's usually what we get. The reason why is we don't really think about sex in these terms. Sex is a really great personal development tool that we miss and miss and miss again. We get to explore in the act of sex. And the exploration of sex, the aspects that we don't feel safe enough to explore and share with everyone in our day today live. So please notice for a moment. Most of us find it much easier to show up in our day to day lives checking tasks, running chores, doing work. Right. Taking care of the kids than we do in our intimate lives. And unfortunately our intimate lives are pretty short and pretty infrequent. Tragically because it's in our intimate lives that we can do a lot of self exploration and learning and discovery and we don't talk about that very much. So the primary reason we need sex in our lives is so that you can explore aspects of yourselves that you don't just share everywhere. There's a safe place with a safe person that you get to explore other aspects of yourself that you don't share anywhere else. And that becomes critically important.

So let me, I'm having just a thought that maybe others are having is. So why might it be easier for us to share that place that we don't often share maybe with a stranger rather than someone that's supposedly supposed to be really close to us?

Well, let's just let me, let me explain it like this. If I'm a task doer, right? I spend my day to day life as a decision maker. I'm having to check tasks, be on it, govern people, businesses, you know, I'm.

A CEO, I'm a getter done a.

Getter done kind of a person. When I slip into my intimate life with someone else, commonly what's desired is the exploration of not being in charge or having to make any decisions. I essentially want to be taken. Like take me, take me away. I don't want to think about anything. I want to explore this other aspect of myself that I never get a chance to try on any place else with anyone else. And man, does that sound good to do right here and right now, right?

So why would that be easier potentially with a stranger rather than someone close to us?

It wouldn't be necessarily stranger with a, with closer with a stranger. But remember, a stranger is somebody that you can be intimate with, you can explore those things with and then there's no repercussions. You can just say ta, ta and move on to the next one. There's nothing of risk there. The risk is much lower if I have sex with a stranger than if I have sex with a lover. I can expose myself easier there just like I can go to a counselor and I can say things to them that I can't necessarily say to my partner. And it's simply because we don't have the safety there yet. Right. We don't have the safety to do that area. And this is important because. Right. Rather than judge ourselves for what it is we're doing right now in our sex lives, it's important for you to notice what you are doing because it tells you where you are. It tells you where you feel safe and where you don't. It tells us where you are comfortable going with inside of yourself and not now. I talked about the person who has to make all the decisions. And what's commonly desirable for those types of people is to be taken. Let's talk about the other side of it. You know people who are basically in the experience of playing a passive role in their day to day life. It's common for them to desire the exploration of being in charge. Like I'm in charge here. We're doing this my way. It's going to happen and go down like that. And this is a place with inside of themselves. They don't share or get to share or feel safe enough to share anywhere else. But in my intimate moments for like 30 minutes, you know, maybe an hour, I can try it on and I can see how that feels and it empowers me. So our sex lives are the opportunity for us to expand, explore and grow, to risk and explore what it might be like to be the opposite of what I typically am day in and day out, and who I might be if I showed up and did this or what might happen if I show up like this. That. Can we try it on now? I'm starting to point to something that we don't talk about often in the world of sex and intimacy. Even with like sex therapy. I'm starting to point to the experience of sex by nature is fantasy, it's imagination. And it's tough for us to experience erotic and sensuous pleasures if it is just an extension of our reality. Like boo his. Who wants any of that? Who wants my, my, my sex life to be anything like my day to day life? I mean just think about that for a minute. It's like heck.

Oh, so the, the proverbial check that box on the planner on the day's schedule.

Yeah, well, and that's why sex, that's like very rote. Like that is often flat. Because it's like, it's just an extension of getting another task done in my day. And if that's what it is, it's boring, it's not compelling, it's not erotic, it's not sensuous, it's not pleasurable. It's like, why bother? I've got a thousand other things that I could check that box with as well. But. Okay. And you know what? Unfortunately a lot of couples do just check that box.

Would you say that's common? As the years go by and we have spent more time together, that becomes more of a rote process?

Yes, very much so. Very. We know, we know it's important, but we don't know why it's important and we don't know what it does for us because very few of us explore what it can do for us.

And I would say we get a little complicit or lazy, maybe even lazy, you know, that, you know, we don't want to venture into and really, you know, undertake. What might it be like to, to reignite it?

Well, and sex and fantasy. We can be threatened by fantasy. Like several of our clients, right? Say, you know, my partner is fantasizing about this, this little something something, right? And wearing a thing thing. And that's never going to look good on me. And I'm not like that. You know, I feel threatened, I feel jealous. And unfortunately, it's just fantasy. It doesn't mean they want you to be that. It just means that that's something that they're exploring in their own imagination and fantasy that is erotic for them and they don't want that. They want you because they're here with you, right? Showing up and being with you is 99.9% of the game. And we need to allow fantasy to be just that fantasy. A place where we can explore, we can take the pressure off, we can let go, we can try on all these different things. You know, there might be times where I want a six foot seven, like, you know, five by seven black man, right? And that's going to be something that's erotic to me. And I'm going to assure you that Tom is nowhere near that. And, and I don't know, Tom, sometimes maybe you want a little teeny, tiny Asian girl and she wears it and looks very sexy in a very piece of sexy lingerie. And I'm not that I'm like 6ft and like, you know, 180 pounds and you know, but I can pretend to be, I can imagine to be, or he can imagine me as that. And that does not mean he loves me any less. And so part of all of this is managing ourselves and our own fears and insecurities with inside of ourselves that it is fantasy that drives our sex. So I Just want to take you back to a place where we've all been there before. We all know this place because it's where we come from in our childhood. Remember the host of games that we would play as kids? I mean, I certainly do, Tom. I don't know. You have jokingly said you come out digging holes and going to work, hanging wallpaper, painting walls. Do you remember being a kid for real?

I do.

I mean, so did you. Did you pretend?

Don't have real vivid memories of pretend, but I do remember we built a tree for it. That was pretty cool.

That's cool. So did you ever play the proverbial like, cowboys and Indians and.

No, I think I played doctor.

Oh, behave. And how did you play doctor?

Our sound engineer is freaking out. That's all right. We'll keep it radio friendly. It's all doctor who did you play doctor? I'm thinking of that song, who did.

You play doctor with?

I can't share that right now.

Well, okay. I want you to see that as kids, starting about the age of three, if you have kids around you right now. Know my grandkids sure do, and my own kids did, And I remember doing it myself. We, in our imagination, pretend to be things that we're not yet. Like, I remember, right? Practicing being a mom. And my poor, like, dachshund Marjo was her name. I would put her in, like, baby clothes and. And I'd put her in my buggy and, oh, gosh, I'd mash up like, crackers with water and, like, spoon feed it to her like it was baby food. And I taught her to, like, suck on a pacifier, and I'd parade her around the neighborhood, you know, And. And I, too, played doctor with my little best friend in the lilac bushes in the backyard of my house, right? And I remember giving him a shot in the butt with a stick.

What?

When we. We. I remember, you know, imagining I was driving a car and I was cooking and doing all these things that I saw adult people doing. Now, hold on to that thought for a minute, because it was just imagination. I'm not a chef. I'm not a doctor. I like to play doctor, but I'm not a doctor. And it was just imagination where I got to try on what it might be like to see these Personas of what I was seeing as a kid. As an adult, I was. I was imagining or I was fantasizing what that might be like. And that's what we can do in our sex lives. Like, we can try on Personas of ourselves that we know we're not and we never want to be. But we can expand our learning of ourselves and the world around us and our environment and our and our peeps that we come across by playing and role playing these things out. This is the gift of sex. We can pretend, we can explore aspects of ourselves we would never be in our daytime lives and be people we know we're not, but can still pretend to be. We can let go and we can create a place to escape the realities of everyday life as we experience the pleasure and excitement in both our physical and the emotional bodies. This is important in our work and in these episodes of love shack. You're going to hear us say we separate and have an understanding of the physical and the emotional bodies. I need you to understand that the ecstasy of having a physical and emotional body connect and align is the true climax in sex. If they do not connect and align, there will be no orgasm. And women have a really difficult time with this, merging their physical bodies and their emotional bodies together. That's why it takes them longer to get to a place of orgasm. Men, they seem to be really quick at it. And there's a reason for that that unfortunately in today's conversation, we're not going to be able to get into. However, just realize that that is the ultimate ecstasy. When my physical and my emotional bodies connect and come into alignment with each other, boom, you're there. It sex is simply a fantasy and a pretend. It's the opportunity. It's the bridge between our reality and our sensuality and our imagination. So I have to ask, how in the world world has it become so complicated and created so many challenges in our lives? If that's all it is, like, it's just imagination. It's just play. It's just fantasy. Well, so K Paso, what's the deal? We're going to take a break right now and allow what we've just said for the last few minutes to soak in. And when we come back, we'll answer that question for you.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to teach. Deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacy bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Ready to learn the most easy, important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to stacybartley.com fairydust stacybartust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop argument in their tracks. Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Do you feel like your love life is on life support? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to staceybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationships. S T A C I B A R t l e y.com Visit stacybartly.com today Seattle, Tacoma, Antwerp. That's right. We're streamed worldwide on our app and on the web@1150kknw.com.

Foreign.

Hey, well, welcome back. If you're just joining us, let's do a bit of a recap. We're talking about how to open up the conversations in our sex lives right now. And we're also talking about what sex is and the purpose for it. And the baseline purpose of sex is an aspect of exploring deeper aspects of ourselves and our partners. I know that's kind of like, oh, right. But the reason why it's so such, such a needed, necessary piece of our lives is it's the place, it's the bridge between our real lives, our day to day reality lives and the places where we can step into imagination and fantasy. And if you think about what really is sensuous and erotic to us, it's not reality. It's not the realities of my life. It's not the possibilities of trying on different things that I could potentially become or explore or be right. And I love to use the analogy of being a child because in some aspects with inside of ourselves, we are all a child within.

Yeah. And you know, again, where I go, you know, like, you know, yeah, that's all great, I don't have time for that. Well, I would just caution, you know, I caution myself and caution us to, you know what? Unless we take time to look at potentially, you know, revisiting these places, you know, it's probably not going to give us the result we want. I mean, it's so easy to say, you know, we get into that, you know, you're not going to get there through your head. You know, this is, you know, I'm a pretty heady person, so I'm sharing this to remind myself. And fantasy and imagination are huge components. Think of how easily we. That when we were little, but it pretty much gets taught out of us.

Pretended to be all kinds of things, right? And it was so fun. Hey, let you and me pretend to be like.

And if you're around any, you know, younger people now, which Stacy and I are all the time, I mean, it's fascinating to me. And I marvel at how quickly our grandchildren can go into imagination. I mean, it's not even a. It's not even a big deal. So.

Yeah. So if sex is simply fantasy and pretend, then how in the world has it become so complicated and creative? So many challenges in our lives? And we want to answer that question today in three steps. The first one is we got to begin by de stressing. I need you to understand that stress is the number one killer of great sex, as well as it is responsible for a whole host of physical dysfunctions with our bodies when it comes to the act of sex. We make up all kinds of horrible, horrific things about ourselves when it comes to our relationships and sex, most of which are not true because we don't understand how relationships work or the purpose and how to navigate sex and what it's for. For many of us, the act itself has become stressful. Something that we should be using strictly for play and pretend, has turned into performance anxiety, which unfortunately, men in our culture are burdened with much of the time. I mean, no wonder the blue pill is necessary. The stress is killing their erections. And for women, if we don't overcome the stress of life and teach our lovers what we desire and what turns our bodies on, if we refuse to share this information with our lovers, we will continue to be frustrated and disappointed with sex. I don't care how much a man brags about being a Don Juan. The reality is a Don Juan is a good student. But they can't be a good student if they don't have a good teacher. A man may worry to himself, am I going to be able to keep up an erection? Can I bring her to orgasm? How much time is this going to take? Like, come on, man. And a woman might worry, am I going to be able to please him or ask for what I really want him to do without hurting his feelings? These sexual anxieties shut down the plain imagination and the experience altogether. It's really important for us to develop the skills to create the Conditions and environment, both with inside of ourselves, which is where it all begins, and our surroundings that are needed to help us pave the way to fulfilling sex. And it begins with the practice of de stressing, by the way.

Yeah, by the way. I mean, you know the old adage, you know, why is vacation sex the best? Well, like, I mean, take a big guess. I mean, think about it. I mean, you know, because you're not around the same triggers and realities. Most of us, when you go on a certainly vacation that's, you know, more typical than maybe what really all of us have been been able to do in the last year. But really think about why, how it'd be. I'd love to see how many pregnancies are created on vacation.

Seriously, I don't know, I've never done that research.

We'll get back to you on that one.

But you know what? I can tell you that we get to let go. We're stepping off of work where we' letting go in so many ways. We've farmed out the kids or the pets or the dogs or, you know, all of the tasks of reality and we get to step into a more relaxed, de stressing environment. And you know what most of us forget. It seems that good old fashioned romance is one of the oldest means of reducing stress related to a sexual encounter. It's all about creating the conditions and environment for relaxation to happen so that we can slip into this realm of relaxation, imagination, pretend and fantasy. It's an exhale from day to day life. So think about it. What's romantic? Like bubble baths, you know, bathing each other, rubbing each other's backs, sipping wine, reading romantic poetry. You haven't done that for a while. Chocolate, beautiful food, lingerie candles, soft music, letting go, closing your eyes and taking it all in. So that's romance. So when we say to our partners, I want you to be more romantic, what you're really saying is we need to slow down and de stress, right? We need to set the conditions for me to slip into a slower pace with myself, my emotional self, my letting go self.

I'm thinking of a wonderful quote I remember hearing long ago. Create. And it can apply really to anything, but create the conditions that make the result inevitable.

And this includes thinking about all the positive attributes of your lover than all of the negative things that are your nemesis right now. Right? Romance happens when I'm thinking and anticipating about all the wonderful things I love about you and I appreciate about you and all the ways that you matter to me. So we're Back to fairy dust there. And if I immerse myself in those prior to lovemaking, well then suffice it to say the sex is going to go a lot better. And this can be created anytime with some intention and some thought. So sex is such an important part of connecting with ourselves and our lovers that we absolutely must make time for it. So let me ask you, I mean, after all, what's more important, sex or chores? Honey.

We could ask character to have another drum roll on that one.

Sex or chores? Baby, pick one. You know, of course, well, of course, because we're here talking about this, but many of us unfortunately would say chores. We need to turn this around. Like, think about it. We would rather do chores than have sex. Ah, okay. That means we're stressed out. That's what that means. We need to luxuriate more in the sensuous pleasures of our own bodies, even when we're alone. So I'm going to give you a tip here to de stress and make you more prone to stepping into romantic places with inside of yourself and your lover. Take a bath. Slow down. Use oils. I always say a shower is kind of like a wham bam thank you, ma'. Am, right? It's get in, get it done and get out. A bath. Oh, very different, you know, when we take time to bathe ourselves, use oils, listen to soft music, think pleasant and sensuous thoughts, wash ourselves slowly and feel the sensations of your hands touch each and every part of your body in a sensual and loving banner. I need you to know this is not a trivial and foolish activity for anyone of any age. It is actually conducive to feeling good about yourself and aids in developing a more positive self image. It's good for your physical and mental health and boy, do we need both right now. Sensuality is the bridge between the worlds of reality, which, let's be honest, can be very, very stressful. And pretend and play with sexual intimacy. In between the external world and your bedroom, we must learn to reduce or control stress so that problems stop knocking and the bed starts rocking.

Ooh la la. Read that one again. In between the real external world and your bedroom, we must learn to reduce or control stress so the problems stop knocking and the bed starts rocking.

Are you in?

I'm in.

And listen, the more we can do this, the more we can learn to create a mood for romantic anticipation more often in our lives, the more likely we are to go back there and listen. We don't even have to have intercourse in order to have this experience. I really want to highlight this. That intimacy and the exploration of our sex lives doesn't necessarily mean that we even reach climax or that we even have intercourse. It's this. Isn't this what we're all wanting? Like the sensuous extension of pleasure, the making of love with each other? And ofttimes, I hope I don't disclose too much here, but Tom and I, in our sex lives, right, we are, we. It's wonderful. I mean, like, it happens every night. Not the culmination of climax, but the intimate moments of. Right. Lovemaking of, you know, holding each other and, and exploring each other and hugging each other and, you know, we call it docking. And there's so many elements of that that are so good for just, just tickle my back, you know, tell me you love me, hold me tight, let's spoon. That we need. That's really good for our mental and emotional experiences in our lives. Okay, so that's number one. Number two, quickly, is we're going to. I want to reassure you that making love is simply a give and receive. So I want you to ask yourself right now, can you do both? Can you give pleasure and erotic. Right. Stimulation to your partner? Most of us can probably say yes. And can you receive? Can you lay back, receive, take in, allow, give yourself permission to enjoy? Which side of that equation are you on? Right. Some people receive and never give, which is not going to work. And some people give and give and give and give and never allow themselves to receive. So I just ask you to explore right after we distress, where are you on the give and receive table? And then number three, we've got to talk about it because if we can't, we're never going to get better at something that we can't explore and share. Like, that's why we don't get better at sex and relationships, because we don't ever talk about them. We're not willing to say, this is what works for me and this is what doesn't. Right? This is where I'm at. Where are you? These conversations don't take place, so it prevents us from ever improving or getting, getting masterful at these things we so desire in our lives.

And I would say that's in working with our private clients, specificity, especially when it comes to our, you know, sexual place in our relationships. Probably, would you say, stace, that that's probably the hardest place for, for, you know, couples and partners to share 100%.

Like, like usually conversations. And we're unlearning this slowly as we go down in the generational chain, but certainly people of our generation, you know, in your 40s, 50s, 60s, I mean, talking about sex was a very awkward, uncomfortable place to be. And that's starting to change a bit. But we need to keep changing and pushing against that fear and insecurity because sex is a natural, normal part of our lives. It's where we come from, it's what we're made of and it's life giving if we know how to allow it, place and space in our lives. So we've got to talk about it. So we've got to de. Stress, we've got to evaluate and expand my ability to give and receive and I've got to actually learn how to talk about it. And ironically, the more I talk about it, the better I feel about talking about it. It becomes very uncomfortable at first and the more I talk about it, the more comfortable I become. So to open that door and to give you some leg up in regards to talking about it, I want to give you some questions that you can say to get the conversation started.

So again, some, some real. Again, every, every show is, it's our, our intent to give you some real takeaways here and so give you some very specific language and questions to ask, you know, and they're not hard. It's simply a lot like we share often that's simply the, the, the sequence of words and how we say that can, can be very, very powerful and usually in a much different way than what we've ever heard before. Before.

Yeah. So instead of saying, and I'm going to point out a framework here, instead of saying that sex sucked, I'm never doing it again, or gosh, are you going to be able to keep it up this time? Like, or how long is this going to take? Like, man, holy cow. I would encourage you to say something more along the lines of what you want. Take ownership of this, of what you want and what you want to step into and create in your relationship. That's a much better way to step into the conversation. So something like, I would like to explore with you how I might be able to share more of myself with you and you with me. How does that sound?

Wonderful.

Because we now you. Because you're here on the show and you've listened to this conversation, you know that sex is simply an exploration of ourselves and each other. It's a place where we can go in our imagination and our fantasy and we can try on things and explore things that we don't typically explore anywhere else.

Yeah. You know, you've heard me share this a lot. There's a much different response when you're asking. You're. You're inviting someone into your experience versus condemning them. Think about it. When you need an invitation to anything, think about your oh my gosh. You may not be able to go, but it's so usually a very oh gosh, I was invited.

And a question is always that. Sincerely asked. A question is an invitation in instead of a condemnation. It's inviting your feedback and your input instead of a statement of. Of I'm not satisfied and you suck. Right. So number two, if you want to get a little more edgy is I want to learn how to rock your world and show you how to rock mine in the bedroom. Are you in? I don't know of many people in the world that wouldn't go, heck yeah, take me away, baby. Let's go.

Might have to rearrange my calendar for that one.

And I'm going to give you a bonus one because I think it's really important. The bonus one is I'm wanting to get good at creating more romance and intimacy in our relationship. Is this something that you would want to do too? And then paint a visual picture. We forget how powerful words can be. You can say, maybe I could make us a nice meal, get some good wine, put on an outfit. What would you like me to wear? How would you like me to show up? Could we start there? And again, I don't know of anybody that wouldn't go, yeah, what time do you want me there? Right. It's empowering. And you're coming from a place where you're talking about and exploring ways to actually create what it is you want. Instead of, like we've talked about banging on the problem. Banging on the problem of you're not dissatis or you're not satisfied in your sex life. Only take takes us to a place of fight. But if I step in and I ask for what it is I really want to create with you, it's a game changer and it puts us on the path to actually beginning to look for the ways that we can actually create more of what it is we want.

And I would say if, if you're having like, God, those are awesome questions and I would love to be able to share those with my, my partner, my spouse, my lover, but I have no idea how I could do that. Well, then that, that's, that's how we support our clients. Many times in these initial first steps. You need some mentors around you to be able to help coach and help you practice and teach you. So reach out to us. That's exactly what we do.

Well, gosh darn, this is the fastest hour in the whole week. It's time for us to close today's episode. I just want to say to our listeners, hey, if you have any questions, go to our website. You're more than welcome to reach out to us to text us a question again, what does that number, babe, while he's looking that up, you know, go to our website. There's a place where you can record your questions. You can send us an email. There might be a lot coming up that you want to know and explore more about. So don't hesitate to go there and engage with us. We're here to support you in any way that we so can our text.

You can text us a question even long after we're live at 601-207-0080 and we'll do our best to answer it on the next episode.

So thank you so much for listening in today. We so value and appreciate our listeners. And for those of you who are telling people about our show, thank you so much for helping us spread the word as together we can actually support humans in creating more love and less fear in their lives. You can find this recording of the show along with our past episodes wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you haven't already, please subscribe and send us a review. We would love to hear how you're enjoying the show. You can find us on all of our social media outlets as well, even in a private Facebook group with a growing community as well. So if you're wanting more of this, we invite you to go there. Come on back next week as we continue the conversation on how to create more love and less fear in our relationships. And oh, now for the song of the day. I create a song. Tom and I choose a song for each and every episode so that you can experience emotionally the essence of the show that we're trying to impart to you. Today's song is of course, course, what.

Mother song could be chosen? But for this episode, let's get it on.

Been a pleasure to be here with you.

We'll see you next week.

Everybody back here next week. Bye bye.