#240: Should I Text If They Asked for Space?

What do you do when the person you love says, I need space, and it feels like a code for I'm leaving you? Your chest heightens, your brain spins, and then you ask questions. Do you send the text? Do you stay silent? Every option feels like the wrong one. You're not crazy for feeling this way. You're human. And when love goes quiet, panic usually takes the will. Some of us chase, some of us shut down, and some of us replay every mistake until we're sick.

And.

And suddenly space feels less like breathing room and more like rejection. Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast for anyone at a relationship's crossroads, where daily conflicts, silence, and growing distance leave you questioning if in fact, your relationship can last. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor, and I'm joined by my co host and lover, Tom and her daughter Brooke. Together we've walked this path, and we're here to walk with you, too. And today we're answering your questions about space and separation from should I reach out and when? If I do, will I just push them farther away? And how do I stay anchored when silence is unbearable? So here's the question, really, that we're going to be exploring at the end of the day. How do you respect your partner's need for space without losing yourself in the process? Stay with us, because by the end of this episode, you'll know exactly where to begin.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

I wanted to also start by sharing a story about one of our podcast listeners, because she started with this question of what do you do when the person you love says, I need space? And it feels like that code for, okay, I'm out of here, I'm done. And that's exactly where Mia, a podcast listener, found herself.

And.

And as she describes it, the text came in quietly. I just need some space to figure some things out. I just need to work on myself for a while. She reads it three times, of course, with her heart pounding. Her first instinct was panic. And then the feelings of rejection rushed in. How could her partner do this to her? How could he not see that she has sacrificed so much for him and for their relationship? And how could he just throw her away like a piece of trash? And then the questions of what do I do now? Started to come in. Should I reply? Should I wait? Should I pretend like I didn't see it? And every idea that she came up with felt like the wrong one. And by dinner time, she had replayed their last conversation at least 20 times in her head. And all of this just created more confusion. She kept asking herself, what did I miss? We just had sex three days ago and he said he loved me. What should I have done differently? Is this the beginning of the end for us? And for the next few days, Mia confesses that she felt like she was numb and floating outside of her body. She was smiling at work and crying in her car, talking to friends who couldn't understand the ache. And also gave her the great advice of, hmm, gee, Mia, sounds like it's time to move on. And then something shifted when she heard an episode of Love Shack Live. And she heard the statement she shares of space isn't the problem. It's what we do with ourselves. And the space that matters, she shared. It stopped her dead in her tracks. Because until that moment, she made her partner silence mean everything about her worth as a human being. And the only option that she could see is if she loved him, she was just going to have to wait. But somehow this statement for her helped her realize she needed to understand and express things more personally to herself. She started turning inward. She explored and wrote down what she needed. She asked for an agreement from her partner. I'll check in every Friday and I ask that you do the same. And instead of filling the silence with only fear, she started feeling it with understanding and learning. Mia no longer was abandoning herself in the name of the person that she loved. And it made all the difference in her life. So how often do we do that to ourselves? Is my first question to you, listener. Like, it's. It's like all of a sudden this person that I've created a relationship with steps aside and says, I need to take some time and space to figure some things out. And. And we immediately go into this place of imploding on ourselves. Like somehow there was something I did or should have known or should have seen that could have prevented all of this from happening. And I just want to share as we start this episode. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is never the result of one person making a mistake, not seeing something, or showing up in a certain way. This space and separation, this place of limbo, is always co created by how two people enter, interact with each other, not just in a moment, but for many moments over time. And then we find ourselves in a space and place of limbo where everybody's confused, everybody's feeling like some of their needs aren't being met. I thought we were just going to be fine. And in ultimate places, I want you to see and understand what's happening is the Illusions of what I thought we were creating and expected and assumed were going to take place collide with the reality of what is, which is we've got some things in this co creation that's not working for one or both of us and it needs to be looked at and addressed. So Brookie is going to ask some real life questions from some of our love and limbo classes that we from time to time offer live, where you can bring your questions and come and we have a conversation about it. These are really true, honest questions from people who have showed up and participated in these sessions and we're going to share them here with you again.

I just wanted to say one thing about the story you just told. I think it's a common thing where we think, I've got my person, we've got a house together, he's going to go to work, I'm going to go to work, we're both going to come home and everything's going to be perfect. But the one thing that we forget is that we're both people. We both have problems, we both have different thoughts and feelings. We both have different movies that are playing about what's going on and our thoughts and feelings about that when those clash, what are we going to do about it? You know, we do all of these other things, we prepare the outside, but we don't really think about the actual relationship that has to take place. And I think that's why so many people end up in separation, because we don't know what to do when that happens. So you either fight really hard for your point of view and you don't try to understand your partners or the other way around and just we end up in this mess. But we never know how to dig ourselves out of it. Or we do dig ourselves out of it, but then we find ourselves back in that same place where we started because we didn't learn anything to help it, avoid it from happening in the future. So I think that's a really great way to set up these questions because I think they just illustrate exactly what you described. You reach this point in your relationship where you're both clashing, you're both like banging against a brick wall, but there's no movement either way.

It's so true. Well, and we even in our assumptions and expectations think that those things aren't supposed to happen, that that's not normal. Exactly. I really want to normalize that. We are going to have our perspectives, our points of views, our needs, our desires, our struggles, our challenges, our conflicts internally collide with our partners. That's normal. And it's amazing how we try and twist and turn and contort and manipulate and control and force our partners and ourselves into things to attempt to address this, to solve this. And it creates more conflict because it's really, at the end of the day, not what's really going on. We're not really addressing what's happening. We're more trying to prevent or pretend that it's not happening. And I don't have to look at it, and I'm not ready to do that. And I just need to get you to start or stop doing this thing, and then I'll tell you what, we're going to be just fine. Well, no, you're not, because you're going to turn around the corner. Even if you do coalesce to twisting yourself into the proverbial pretzel to avoid this round of conflict, there's another one coming around the corner. So we don't really accomplish anything. Or if I shut a conversation down and go, whoo, look at me go. I avoided that one. I'm not stepping into that conversation with you. I'm not addressing what you just said. You've shut it down this round. But next time when it comes around, it's going to be bigger and more inflamed than it was now. If we would have just addressed it. And it's amazing when you really sit and think about it, how we reach for and demand that we live in illusion instead of sitting down and looking at things in reality like it's colliding because we are assuming, expecting, insisting, forcing, controlling, avoiding, pretending that this is not happening and yet it is. And reality will always have its way with us. And. But it's amazing how we'll protect the illusion of what is. And we'll sacrifice our health, our wealth, our mental stability, our children, everything we've created. We'll sacrifice it all to maintain that elusive quality of not having to address or deal with the reality of what really is. It's a hard place for us as human beings. Yeah.

All right. The first question is, my boyfriend recently requested a break to reflect on how our relationship is going. And I feel blindsided. Should I reach out or will that push them further away?

Commonly, that needs to be a question that's asked to them. How can I support you with this? How would you like this to play out? Is it okay if I connect with you daily and check in or weekly? Or do you just need a few days? And if so, a few days. Days. How Many like this needs to be a conversation. There's no pat answer for this, and there won't be one for all of us. That each relationship and each human in those relationships is very unique. So we need to approach it that way. What one person may or may not need or want might be different for someone else. But the least we can do is open up the conversation and create an agreement around, when are we going to connect? How would you like me to interact? What are you needing from me? Here's what I need need from you. And that door ultimately needs to go both ways.

Okay, I'm gonna play devil's advocate because we hear this is one of the most frequently asked questions that we hear. So great question. Usually the person being asked the one that has requested space, whichever partner that is, I have no idea. I just need space. So how do we address that?

Then I would say, wait, let me.

Add in a caveat, mom, too, because I want you to combine mine and dad's questions. I think most people, especially younger couples in this situation, think that every single text is just the most important thing they could ever send. Because they know if they make one mistake, their partner is going to say it's over. So there's that kind of pressure that they feel like even asking if it's okay if I text you could potentially make their partner break up with them, even though you're saying that they should do that. So if their partner says, I don't know, then if they're feeling that way inside, like, oh, God, I don't know if I can ask another question after that. Like, okay, if you don't know, what's your best best guess? Or if you don't know, can I come around again next week and ask you? Like, how do. How do you navigate that really intense pressure? And with a partner who's maybe not.

As communicative, just, I'm going to invite us to sit in that scenario for a minute. Like, it's a scenario where how do you feel emotionally? Like. Like, just check in. Let's play along here for a minute. If you're. Yes. What else?

Like, apprehensive. Like, all the stress of the relationship is on your shoulders.

Well, I gotta really get this right. Because, like, Brooke shared, if I don't get this right, they've asked for space. Now I'm like, really aggravating them. So, like, okay, no contact. Or how about if the person asking for space is, like, look, no contact for 30 days. Hard line.

Well, okay, we can talk about that one. But you're stacking on it a little bit. But initially, like, just think about what's happening here. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do the wrong thing. I feel anxious, I feel all the pressure, but I'm really rendered powerless. I'm completely powerless in the scenario.

And you have no way to get more information because you're just making it all up in your own head.

Correct. Any relationship that I feel powerless in is not going to be a relationship that lasts long term anyway, because that's just a principle. And here's the thing we have to look at. Am I being forced to be powerless or am I making it up that that's how I have to be in order to be in a relationship with somebody? Because very often more common than not, we render ourselves powerless, thinking that that's going to be the act of love, kindness, thoughtfulness, compassion, the contribution into the relationship that if I just make them happy, the expense of myself and don't do it wrong, then surely I'm going to be loved, I'm going to be accepted, I'm going to be appreciated, adored, all the things that we long for as a human being. And then we find ourselves in a place like this where I am now rendered more powerless than ever because I have no effect on what we're going to do. I can't figure this out. And what I'm going to start to live in is what I call a horror flick of my own making because I will not allow myself to have a voice in this relationship. So the first thing I'm going to ask you to ponder if this applies to you is where in your relationship with this person have you rendered yourself powerless? And why have you done that? What did you think you were going to get out of it? Where did you think it was going to take you? And now what do you want to do with it? Because space, this space in place of limbo is a wake up call where what we have been doing collides with somebody finally throwing the flag and saying, I got to think about this, I'm not okay here in lots of places and spaces. And when you start to think about and now we're going to approach this from a place of powerlessness, well, that's going to create more of a problem than it's going to solve because you're going to write yourself right out of this relationship with no voice at all. So if I don't have a voice now, I'm not going to have a voice later. That, however, I Set this up is going to be something I'm going to need to be willing to do to sustain whatever little connection that I get. So let's run the scenarios now that we're speaking about. Let's say I actually realize I've rendered myself powerless. And we think that that's going to be the greatest contribution into the relationship. Nobody asked me to do this. Nobody told me I had to. I've just done it because I thought that was an act of love. And that's what you did in a. In a loving relationship. And I all of a sudden speak up and I all of a sudden start voicing something. Very honestly, what commonly happens is often the person is leaving because there was nothing for them to connect to in the first place, because you were powerless. And so I've been the person in the relationship on my own choice and volition. And sometimes we don't realize this, but by my own choice, nobody told me I had to. Nobody has forced me. That's the way we can see this. I made it up that in romantic relationships, if I please or serve my partner, then we're going to do great and I'm going to get all the things that I want. Okay? So we often think that that's going to be the thing that takes us to the promised land. And so in this place of limbo, we get really anxious because I don't know what to say or do for real, because I've never really allowed myself to say anything really, unless it was in some fit of tears or. Or some kind of an explosion where it all kind of finally came out. And then I would go back to not saying anything. And what we often don't realize in this place of powerlessness, we feel like we're doing a good thing. The sweetheart message in this and the undertow is that I'm doing this because I love you. I'm going to sacrifice parts of me, my voice, what I need, what I want. You know, what I'd really like to see happen and create with you, and I'm just going to make this all work for you. And we render ourselves powerless from that point of view. And very often it creates a problem in the relationship with my partner because there is nothing for my partner to connect to. The partner that I'm trying to please is having to make all the decisions, is having to figure things out on their own. They don't have anybody to really talk to or with about things that need to be discussed because you won't offer up an opinion or a point of view. And so very often it contributes to the main cause of why limbo happens is we run out of emotional gas. And so we can't figure out for the life of us why it is that I can't be connected to intimately if I'm not willing to share a perspective or a point of view that's going to be required for a connected, intimate relationship for all of us. There's no hall passes on this one. So I can render myself powerless from that perspective. And I can also render myself powerless because I'm being shut down by the person I'm in a relationship with. They've essentially made it very clear. Kind of like your example, babe, where you said, I told you I need space. Don't contact me for 30 days. That means I've probably played along with somebody shutting me down, not because I truly wanted to. And when I do stick my head out and have a point of view, it gets criticized, shut down, demeaned, pushed in a corner. And so I've learned to again, kind of acquiesce to that and over time. I used to be opinionated. I used to have a point of view. I used to feel comfortable sharing it, but I don't anymore. And now I realize we're on this critical prepatus. And so I don't want to do it wrong. And I'm not going to ask any questions. I'm just going to abide by what you've said and figure out how to navigate that. So do you see the problem in either scenario? Do you see and start to realize the real issue is not what they're going to do when I ask, but it's can I ask? And can there be a place for me in this relationship, in my empowered place? Because if I don't have a voice now that can be accepted at the table and understood at the table of relationship, then what are we going to become? Even when you do come home, it's not going to be good. It's not going to go well. We're going to go back into another round of powerlessness.

So share with us a verbal example or a text example that, you know, what one might say to create this, what I call these baseline agreements while we're experiencing space and separation.

Well, so this is where we need to muster up some bravery. This principle that I just shared is huge. And we can have lots and lots of exploration and conversations and do with our clients and people who jump into our roadmaps on just this point alone, because there's all kinds of Questions that start to become asked, but there's all kinds of light bulbs that start to go on too. So I understand. I've given you a really big principle for you to think through here. I don't want to blow you out of the water, but I also want you to see that if we're going to create something that's sustainable, which is what we all want, and something that creates an experience of the good stuff in relationships, which is what we want, it's going to require us to have a voice, to have the ability to translate my own thoughts and feelings into a language that first I can understand. One, but two, that there is a place and a space for me to share it with you. And if we don't have those two things or those two basic abilities as a human being, we cannot co create very well for this reason, then you need support, usually to reach out and say, hey, I know you've asked for space. I want to honor that. What I'd like to ask for is if we could maybe check in once a week. I'll check in with you on Fridays and I ask that you do the same. Is that something you'd be willing to do and see what happens? Because it's going to tell you a lot about the us part of our relationship and you're going to have to be brave to do it. But let's say you were the one that shut yourself down in powerlessness. They're going to go, oh my gosh, that's incredible. Thank you so much. You've finally shared something with me that I can wrap my head around. Friday would be great. And let's say the other scenario, I get brave, I ask the question, hey, I'd like to check in with you on Friday and ask that you would do the same. Is that something that works for you? If they shut it down, well, then it starts to tell you a lot about the relationship itself, doesn't it? Now maybe that's kind of a strong punch in the gut, but nonetheless, it's important for us to see the reality of what really.

Is there any difference? Maybe, say, let the person that you're asking has like. Say you're in the first week, like you have the audacity to ask me this and I just told you I need some space. I mean, is there any barometer that maybe the temperature goes down? Maybe if it had been two or three weeks versus or is that just pure hyperbole?

No, it's the way that the person reacts. It's telling you more about the person themselves and how they resolve internal conflict with themselves, not about anything you should or shouldn't have done. I hope that makes sense because it's so important. I'm going to say it again. The way a person responds is directly related to the internal conflict and difficulty that they're feeling internally themselves. It's a reaction. And it wouldn't matter if you'd sent the text in one day, three days, three weeks, six months, two years. If it's something that brings up a lot of internal emotion for them, they're going to strongly react in an attempt to avoid it. And it literally has nothing to do with you. And we want to pay attention to that. We really want to pay attention to that. Because if there's no place for me to even ask a question or have a conversation to explore, how are we going to navigate this? Well, then what is really here other than the old familiar relationship that we are all comfortable in? Kind of.

So I just had a thought that I think is relevant to help the listener. So thinking that maybe we asked too early the place of space. We're looking at the symptom rather than the true root cause, correct? Correct. Because that would be said another way. So this is important rather than we think the symptoms. Once we get these symptoms figured out, we're going to be good. No, the symptoms aren't the issue. It's the true root cause. No different than it is when we have a medical challenge. Oftentimes we have a symptom. But there is a much deeper root cause that's propagating that symptom.

You rendering yourself powerless will never work. And I know I don't say never all, you know, very often, but in this particular case, in a co creation, in a healthy relationship, us rendering ourselves powerless in any scenario will not go well. Now that doesn't mean I kick up conflict and I turn into an asshole. I'm saying we must be able to ask questions. We must have a space to be able to share our point of view and our perspective. And if somebody reacts negatively to that, it is telling you that what you're asking for or what you're bringing up is something that makes them uncomfortable. It doesn't mean you shouldn't have done it or brought it up or said it. Okay. It means that they are articulating in their body language and acting out that they're uncomfortable with this and they need to learn how to use their words instead of just take it out on you. That's really the issue. But we're kind of jumping ahead. The answer to the question is you don't want to render yourself powerless and we can do that internally ourselves. I can render my own self powerless with no help from others and I can also find myself in a situation where people cope by causing me to feel like I'm powerless. Both are going to be a complication in the relationship that needs to be resolved in order for us to transform creating this into a better 2.0 or 3.0.

I was just gonna say this was a very in depth answer and I want people to see that how harmful it is when we have black and white thinking in our relationships. Because all of what Mom2 just said would have been missed if you were thinking just like we have so many comments on our posts and stuff like, well, if they want space, it's over. You know, like that's black and white thinking. So just immediately saying the reason why my partner asked for space is because they're having an affair or because they already know they want it to be done with me. Well, no, that explanation Mom 2 gave about maybe you rendered yourself powerless so your partner is like, I don't have anything to connect to in this relationship. Maybe me taking some space will allow them to see themselves a little more clear that could never be even discovered. Or like thought of if your first thought is to go directly to black and white thinking, there's so much in the gray, there's so much nuance, there's so much meat that is there for you to explore if you allow yourself to. But that all gets taken out the window the second most people approach these situations because we do it with well, that means this and it's over, you know.

Well, great point, Brooke. I would just stack on that to you, listener. I mean, if you're in this place and God love you, we understand, it's why we're so passionate to serve and help you. The length of time that Stacy just shared on this one question that Brooke had, I'm not sure we're going to get through. This is going to be a two part series by the way. But my more important point here is just think about all that you're navigating outside of just this one or in addition to better said so meaning, like it's not really fair for you. I'm not saying this because this is what we do. I'm just trying with great love and respect to ask you to take a look at what you're trying to navigate by yourself. I mean, this was one place of a tiny, tiny magnitude of what we know you're doing and dealing with, because we've worked with a lot of people and we've been in this place ourselves. My point here is just open yourself up to realize, gosh, what might it be like if I had Tom, Stacy and Brooke and many others walking with me, as well as mentors, helping me get my arms around this place in a way that I have never even imagined? Just. Just give it a. Just have it be a thought. Exercise it. You know, that's all I'm asking. Because we spent 20 minutes on one question. One question.

Well, I think relationships are our greatest teachers. And oh, my goodness, in that black and white thinking, how we fail to understand the lesson of what it's teaching me, what it's showing me, because we're just so certain we've got it all figured out. Well, now take that behavior and that thought process and ask yourself how many times you've done that to your partner. You thought you had it so figured out that you just blew by what it is they needed to share or say or were attempting to share and say because you were so convinced that you had it all figured out. And then how many times have you done that to yourself? How many times have you just blew by something that was really asking for you to slow down and really be with this? And you blew by it because it was something that made you feel uncomfortable or awkward or there's no way that I would need to. You know, that could be the answer. As Brooke has already shared and Tom, too. Emotion is this very nuanced, sometimes challenging experience to understand that literally runs our lives. And if you don't think that, then you don't understand how emotions really tick in a human being, because emotions run our lives. So check it out. If we go back to the conversation of feeling powerless, well, then I would never allow myself to say what it is I really needed to say. Not because my internal voice wasn't raging or screaming at me to the point I can't sleep, I can't eat. But I refuse because I'm so confused, convinced I've got it all figured out. I'm going to totally blow by that and continue to refrain from doing anything or saying anything. That is how that plays out in our lives. And it won't be until I finally become brave enough to use my voice to say what I need to say and insist that I'm not superior, but I'm also not inferior, to have a point of view that deserves to be counted in this relationship. And if it can't be counted, then I know that this is something that I need to look at from a different lens. Is it because you're unwilling or you just don't know how? And if we can have that conversation, we can actually recreate this in a better way, which is what Limbo is asking for in the first place. It's showcasing what it is we do as a co creation, our interactions and why it is we are struggling. And it's going to showcase all kinds of great things. I'm actually thinking of a client who came to me convinced that her partner was a bastard and that he wouldn't do what she would say and how she had it all figured out and she just couldn't find a way to convince him to show up for her in a way that she needed. And she had tried and she had exhausted herself on it and she was thinking she was going to need to move on. And as we started to have this conversation, I was able to help her start to see where actually she was shutting him down by not allowing him to talk. She was coming in hot thinking that she had all the answers and was kind of doing that, you know, behavior of, look, I've got this all figured out and here's the deal. You're going to need to do this and say this and show up this way, and then we're going to all be so happy. And in his refusal to do so, and yet not verbally refusing, but just kind of avoiding the whole situation, she was convinced that he didn't care about her, he didn't love her, he didn't want this relationship. And so I encouraged her to kind of start looking at it from her perspective where she was shutting him down. And are you asking questions and are you opening up the conversations instead of jumping in with the answer? Could you just let him speak and try and understand what it is he's saying and ask more questions? And after a couple of weeks of this, she came literally skipping into my office and then threw herself on my couch and said, oh my gosh, I'm the asshole. I've been the asshole the whole time. And I says, well, you know, let's not go that far. But now you see it. What a wonderful thing to understand about yourself. And her and her partner are still together to this day, like they've. They got married. She is a wonderful advocate for our work and she's contributed to many of our clients and will continue to do so. But those are the kinds of things that when we feel like we've Got it all figured out. We miss in our own behavior, thinking it's all them, when really it might be me. It's definitely a part of me. I have a part to play in this, as we all do, and it's never just one person. I really, with great love and respect, just want to say this really is the crux of the problem. Me feeling powerless to make a relationship work will not work. And I know that's a gut wrenching truth, but please adhere and listen to the reality that it's trying to showcase for you. And if I'm the one that's shutting somebody else down because what I'm hearing and afraid of, and my fear is something I don't want to look at, well, then I need to look at that too. Much like my client. It is a power play issue. At the end of the day, in our relationships and our communication with each other, I'm either afraid to allow you to have a voice because I'm afraid of what you're going to say or bring up in me, or I'm afraid to speak at all for fear you'll reject me and what it is I have to say. And that emotion, if we can all get in touch with it, of me feeling afraid of what somebody is going to say so I shut it down, or me feeling like I can't speak up at all is very often at the bottom of what it is we need to understand and explore for ourselves.

It's also not even just not being able to say what you want to say. It's also being like being able to be who you are. Like, maybe you have a hobby that your partner makes fun of, or maybe you love to play a game that they always say, oh, I hate that. You know, like that requires speaking up too, because there's so many people who are in relationships are like, I can't really be myself around him or I can't really show up as who I really am because it would be embarrassing. Well, I'm not saying you have to leave that relationship, but you do have to ask yourself, are you willing to hide forever? Are you willing to pretend to be someone you're not forever? That's something that you need to figure out.

Yeah. And I was just gonna say real quick, what would you say, babe? In all your years of working with, you know, in our groups and privately and whatever, I think what you just shared is very important. Realize if, if you're the kind of the dominating one in the relationship, but maybe you don't realize it or you're you're not. You haven't been in a place to turn and look at that. What would you say? What is the recipe, you know, metaphorically, that you're able to provide, you know, to embody in when you're working with someone or in the group that finally might be able to, like you said, your client, where she was able to finally say, oh, my gosh, to have this incredible insight and realization, like, oh, maybe I do have a part to play here.

Well, the common thread here is it all comes from a place of fear and insecurity and. And everybody's really struggling. This conversation of feeling powerless is happening, and it's just a matter of how we're going to cope with it. So I feel just as powerless when I try and be right or push an agenda as I do when I feel like I don't have a voice. I'm. Often. We don't see the common thread there.

It's just opposite behaviors, but the same emotion behind it. It's like controllers and collapsers.

That's exactly right. And so that's why. And Brooke, you took the step, and I just want to make this very clear. You took the step of stacking on that. But at the end of the day, how powerless do I feel in this relationship? And what scares me and what are my fears and insecurities that are going to come up in this relationship? And here's the kicker. The more I care about this relationship, the more my fear and insecurity is going to flash. Because as a human being, we all have insecurities and doubts within us. And the more I care about you, the more I'm going to be afraid that you're not in this for the long haul or that you're gonna see me in a different light, or you're gonna think I'm weird or odd. And so depending on how I respond and react to those feelings of insecurity and powerlessness is going to dictate how I treat you. I'm either going to go voiceless and hope that that's going to see us through, or I'm going to try and dominate the situation and the conversations, both of which take us to a very important place that we need to understand not who's right and who's wrong and who should be doing what, but what are we afraid of and what is rendering us so powerless in this place? And what are some better skills and practices that I can understand and practice so that I can show up as more of myself? Because so often we do it to ourselves because we're reacting to the sense of powerlessness. And that's why I said, and I'll say it again, this issue of powerlessness in a relationship is at the core of our challenges. And we've got to look at that that so that we can show up and be more of ourselves and then we can share more of ourselves with each other. And there's like, you know, three stares there, me saying it, me understanding and learning better skills, and then me being able to show up and apply it. And that's going to take some practice. Okay, so we're talking about a very core base level challenge that we all need to take a look at and understand here. And it comes from the simple question of what do I do and how do I reach out? It's like the most common question is circle all the way back around. Should I reach out and when should I reach out? If my partner reacts and responds, how dare you not honor this place of space and separation? It is again, highlighting where they feel powerless too. It doesn't mean you shouldn't have of. And it doesn't matter if you reach out today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, if we know what to look for. I need to open up this conversation to explore what's possible now because I need to stop being powerless by being voiceless. And we're also going to have to address being powerless by trying to dominate my partner and the conversations we have and don't have.

I think we've decided that we're just going to end on that one question for this episode because it brought up so many great conversation topics about space and separation. So I think take it away, mom.

Too, that I think that's a really good idea, Brooke, because we don't want to overwhelm you with too much to chew on. And I think there's a lot of really rich nuggets in here that I really just want to invite you to sit on and chew on and maybe do a bit of self exploration. And unbeknownst to me, because I did not know what the question was on the front side here, had no idea. But I did prepare the rest of the, you know, just intuitively prepare the rest of the episode. And funny enough, you know what our follow the fun moment is, is an exploration in regards to are we showing up with pressure or are we showing up with presence? That's good. And I thought it would be really fun for us to do a little quizaroo and see if you, dear listener, can tell the difference. Between pressure and presence. And to give you a bit of a leg up, I just want to identify the difference between pressure and presence because I want to help you out here. So pressure feels like control, urgency.

It's.

It's coming from a place of fear and being unsettled. Okay. It comes from a place of panic. Presence feels like a personal truth. I'm. I'm intentional about how I'm showing up and what I'm saying, and I'm open, without an agenda. I'm not trying to push an agenda. I'm trying to explore, be curious, what's possible here. So. Okay, what if I sent this text? Hey, checking in again. It's been 12 hours and I haven't heard back. Is that pressure or presence?

Pressure.

Good, Brookie, good. Okay, how about this one?

I'm on a game show.

I know, I know. How about the night? Next one? One point for Brooke. One point.

I didn't even get a chance, Brookie. She beat me to. All right, here we go. My microphone was off.

Chance. Here we go.

You know how they do that on the game shows? Turn Fred's microphone on.

You ready?

Okay.

Ready. Here we go. I know you're working through a lot. No rush. I'm here when you're ready.

Presents.

Good job, Brooke. That's two for. Oh, honey, you really need to get on it.

I'm not getting much opportunity, but I.

Totally left a beat there. You could have done that.

See? You can still have some fun. Listener. This is important. I mean, this is.

Okay, let's do another one. If you don't want to lose me, you need to figure this out. Pressure. Good job. Did the listener even hear the question?

Say it again.

You said pressure.

Okay. I want to stay connected. Would you be open to a quick check in every Sunday?

Presents.

Nice. She's whooping your fanny. It's fine. Whatever. Do whatever you want.

Ted.

Oh, you should.

She's trying to get a point. Let's do two more. Honey, you can catch up. At least tie it up. I need to be honest. I'm struggling with the distance. I'm not here to rush you. I just want to know where I stand.

Presence.

Good job. That one's a little tricky. Good job, honey. Well, if you really loved me, you'd be showing up differently.

Presence. Oh, excuse me.

Pressure.

Pressure.

Pressure.

Sorry.

No, I meant pressure. I was so stressed to get it out, I lost myself.

All right, for all the duck guts, one more.

Come on.

I don't need answers right now. I just want to stay connected in a Way that works for both of us.

Present nice in unison. We going to put these questions in the show notes, Brookie?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah. Yeah. No, I think it'd be good just because.

So people can have example of. Yeah, there is nuance in this, you know, so, like, some of the pressure ones I feel don't seem. They feel like something you would probably normally send, but it's important to see that it is still putting pressure on the situation.

Yep. Pressure is commonly our default, especially under stress and panic and fear, which is why we build emotional skills and strength, because the more we shift from pressure to presence, the better our interactions with others are going to be. So if you want to find out how you cope, it would probably be a really great idea to take our quiz and just see the strengths and weaknesses that you have in these nuanced places. And you can do that by going.

To the link in the show notes.

Perfect. Hey. And here's our song for this episode. We choose a song for each and every episode that we do. And this song that we've chosen is from a group called Bliss. And the name of the song is right here.

Stacy usually chooses a song. And I was listening to this one, and I called Stacy into my office. I said, honey, I believe this is the song for this week. And she said, oh, man, that's really good. Yeah. What is.

What is.

What do they continually say?

And what goes around comes around goes around.

Right?

And. And the thing that I. I really took away from the song and the nuances is that, you know, we can play our part and do play our part, and very often it's very difficult in the nuances of. Of relationship, you know, in the emotions of it all, to understand what goes around comes around, goes around right here, right here, right, right here, right now. And it has so much to teach me if I'll just slow down and take a look at it. So it's a beautiful song. You can check it out on our podcast page on our website, or you can check it out on Spotify by searching up Love Shack Live playlist. Thank you so much for being here in the love shack with us today. If this conversation has moved you, helped you feel a little more seen, or has given you something to think about, please consider sharing it with someone you care about. That's how this podcast grows, from heart to heart, story to story, human to human. And if it's helped you personally, please consider leaving a review for us. We would love to hear from you. We are so honored and grateful to be a part of your relationship journey. And my final say is this. Remember, love isn't built on avoiding the hard stuff. It's built by learning how to move through it together with better skills and principles that are life giving to you and the people that you love. Have a wonderful week and we look forward to being back here with you next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack, but before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

Sam.