#241: Can You Really Come Back After Space?

When someone you love is pulled away, here's the question that keeps you up at night. Can we really come back from this? Or is the distance just proof that it's already over? The fear is so real, especially when you've lived through weeks or even months of silence and guarded conversations and that feeling that you are a million miles away, even when they're sitting right in front of you. And gosh, let's be honest, you've probably asked yourself, what if this break is just the slow march to the goodbye? Welcome to Love Shack Live, the podcast. For anyone standing at this place, at the relationship crossroads, if you're facing daily conflict, silence, or a growing emotional gap, and you still long for a bond that feels genuine and lasting, well, you're in the right place. I'm Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor here with my co host and lover, Tom, and our daughter Brooke. And together we've walked this path with many, and we know the terrain of heartbreak, silence, and the fight for reconnection. In today's episode, we're answering your questions about what happens after space. Can your partner really return after checking out? And if they do reach out, how do you respond without dumping all your hurt and anxiety on the table? How do you express your needs without sounding pushy or rebuild the intimacy that you desire with them when they say they're just not there yet? So here's what we're exploring today. Not just if you can come back from this, but how. Because reconnection doesn't happen by accident. It happens with intention, courage, and a few key steps. We'll walk you through, so stay with us.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

This is an episode again, where we're taking questions from actual people, human beings, their relationships and their conversations, both with inside of their own minds and with others. So Brooke is going to ask me a question that I don't know until it's asked, and we'll have a conversation about it. The last episode, we got through one question. We'll see if we can cover a few more this time.

Okay, the first question is, is it possible for my partner to really come back into the relationship after being really emotionally checked out?

Yes, absolutely, it is. And here's why I'm not going to just say yes and we're going to move on to the next question because we don't do that around here. I want you to understand why I would say yes. Here's the principle. Have you ever been in a place where you were holding so much confusion and conflict and fear that I pulled away, I shut down. I went MIA for a while in my effort to try and figure it out. And can you also get in touch with the feeling and the experience of finally being able to have that understood, finally being able to make sense of it, Going through what we call those aha moments where all of a sudden I'm relieved of it, I understand it, I've confessed it, I've shared it. Like in those moments, I want you to get in touch with how freeing and life giving it is and how light I feel and how motivated and ready I am to now pick up and do better from a different place. Because you're literally in a different place. Even though maybe we're still cohabitating in the same house, in the same yard, with the same children and the same pets. But the way I'm looking at it, the way I experience it and the way that I show up in it is different because I'm different. I'm in a different place, literally. Even though I still wear the same shirt. Even. So, of course it is possible for us to come back. And many do. Many do.

But it's not. It's not just going to happen magically.

No, that don't grow is will you do what's required to have that experience?

It's not possible to come back from the same places that each of you were and create something better. That's not going to happen. You know that. And that's where we just think we get our special someone back. Everything will be okay. Well, no, it won't. But you can use this as an opportunity and maybe the final piece of inspiration, motivation, whatever, courage to turn and face what's going on first within yourself and then within the dynamics of the entire relationship and create something from this difficult place. Now that's when you can come back better and create a transformation. But not with the same. Let's use a metaphor of recipe. No, it will give you the same result. It really will. That's insanity. That's a classic definition of insanity.

If we were to both come to. I use this metaphor a lot. We come to the table, we both have a seat at the table, we both have a voice at the table. But we also both have the willingness, even though our armpits are sweaty and our hands are shaking, to examine and look through my part and take responsibility for that. And then skill up. We gotta skill up because often we find ourselves in these places breakdown simply because we don't know better. We don't know how to navigate it we do our best, we pull out all that we know and all that we can do. And some of it might be a little dysfunctional. Let's be honest. I might do a lot of acting out and a lot of manipulation. I might really excuse a lot of my participation in how I show up at this relationship because I'm so desperate to be heard or be understood or push an agenda. And then when I kind of start to look at it, I find better ways. If I'm open and willing to learn and practice new things, new perspectives based on real, solid principles, we can literally go in a different direction. And it's going to be required of both of us sitting at that table. So that's why. Yes, of course we can. But we're going to literally need to understand and change how it is we currently show up now.

So. Yes, with an understanding of what's required, Correct?

Yeah. Three things I commonly state that are necessary and required for us to go in a new direction. Number one, I want it.

Do you want it?

Yep, I want it. Not for any other reason than I want it. Right. And if I want it, that I'm willing to do the next two. So want it is key. Because if I'm just trying to stay in the relationship because it gives me a paycheck or because we have kids but I really don't want it, or because it's religiously or appropriate, I don't want to disappoint you. I don't want to disappoint anybody else in the mix. Well, then I don't really want it. So I have to get really honest up front and say, do we really want this? Is this something I really want to do just because I want it? And sometimes that's even a shake a bush moment. Like, I wish I didn't want it. God help me, I wish I could just let go of this and not want it so bad. It seems like it would be such an easier course of action. But that tells you I want it. So you've met the first criteria. That means I'm going to have to be willing to do the next two. I'm willing to let the pass go and allow it to be my teacher. I may not know how to do that right now, but I'm willing to learn. And the third is I'm absolutely going to be required to skill up. I've got to learn new skills and principles to rudder myself through the inevitable ups and downs and challenges of life. And if I'm willing to do all three of those, Things. And you are, too. Oh, gosh. We can go all kinds of places. Absolutely.

The next question is, when my partner finally reaches out during our space, you know, like at the agreed time, or maybe I've been waiting for it, how do I start that conversation without making it all about my hurt and anxiety?

That is a really great question. Because what's needed when we finally connect is to have some successful experiences of just simply connecting. When we're first starting out in these places and spaces of reconnecting, we want to really focus on not being disingenuous, but it really isn't the time to bring out our big hurts and try and solve big problems yet. If you think about it like weightlifting, I wouldn't think that I was gonna step into what needs to be accomplished here by starting out with weights that are 500 pounds. When we have a really difficult time lifting a 25 pounder, like, it would be disastrous and we're gonna hurt somebody. And that is very true here in this emotional place, too. What we need is just to remind ourselves and each other that we can just check in, get, you know, share simple aspects of our lives and our days without firing off the big, huge things. So your focus is on, hey, it's great to hear from you. Thanks for reaching out. It's great to hear your voice. I've been looking forward to this because we do look forward to it in hopes that it will go well without realizing we want to stay on that track of saying, how was your day? How are you doing? What's something you're looking forward to? What's something you're looking forward to this week, this month, this year, we immediately dive in instead into the 500 pounder, and we miss all the things that I just touched on. How are the kids doing? How are you doing? What's something good that we can focus on? What's something that we can remember and celebrate together? We gotta skill up first.

I can hear some of our listeners thinking, well, how am I supposed to ask those questions if what I'm really feeling is big hurt and anxiety? How am I supposed to pretend that everything is fine and ask my partner how they're doing when I'm literally falling apart into a million pieces? I think, and I know I want you to answer that, but I just want to point out to our listeners that one of the biggest benefits slash lessons of space is you learning how to carry that and remedy that on your own. You know, like it's. We often, in our entire lives never learn how to handle those emotions. On our own, because we, a lot of us are lucky enough to have large support systems, so we can always, you know, kind of hand our emotions over to another person, and they help us figure out how to deal with them, how to feel better. And then we get into these places where we literally can't feel better unless we have that. And so we get into space and separation, where we're alone with. With these problems and thoughts for the first time in maybe decades. And so most people don't do that. They don't use space and separation as a way to figure that out because they're just in the hurt and pain and anxiety, you know. So if you haven't learned how to deal with it on your own and you're still struggling with it, when they do reach out and you feel all those things, how do you do what you just said? Because what you just said seems so easy, but it can feel so hard when that's all you feel, you know?

Well, there's a couple of distinctions there. Number one, we will get to solving the pain and the hurt, but if you jump into it out of the gate, you'll never get there. It's going to shut the conversation down, and you'll not get to the place where finally we can have the things that really need to be said and shared, the painful things. You're just not ready yet. So you're trying to force and push a conversation that you're not ready to have as a couple yet. Okay. And the reason why we do that is for the reason that you just highlighted. I'm needing my person to reassure me, to validate my point of view, my perspective, because I don't have the skill or practice to do that on my own accord until the relationship itself can support that kind of a conversation. And you're right. Very often in relationships, a common reason is the person who's run out of emotional gas, who is asking for space in the first place, is exhausted from trying to carry the emotional weight and demands for the two of you because they're constantly needing to reassure and fix and help you emotionally regulate and understand your own emotional experiences. And they've grown exhausted and tired from it. Okay? It's not bad or wrong. There's no reason to feel guilt and shame about this. I just think sometimes we don't understand what's playing out until we kind of start to really learn how relationships work. Right? So often that's a key reason why. And so you start to understand. Well, if you just continue to go back to this Same place right where they're trying to refuel a little bit so they can explore what's possible and how they might step back into the relationship. And then we decide we're going to connect. And then the first thing that you do is step into this place of saying, oh my gosh, I'm falling apart. You got to help me keep it together. And why would you leave and why would you do this to us? Work through those things. But as Brooke said, it's an opportunity for you to learn how to gain those emotional muscles yourself by learning how to practice and do your own emotional push ups. And that will be such a gift to yourself and such a gift and a contribution to the relationship overall.

And I just don't want anyone to feel that I was calling them out because I was sharing that from my own self like I've had in my current relationship with Jack, who is my fiance. He has said to me in a nice way, but like, it's exhausting for me to have to constantly hold you up with your anxiety. Could you please figure out some ways that you can soothe yourself so that I don't always have to be the one who's helping you? Because he's like, I don't mind helping you, but it makes me feel anxious and it makes me feel tired and it makes me feel exhausted. And it's no secret that I'm a very staunch Democrat. So I'm sure if you can imagine, the beginning of this presidential administration was a bit hard for me to navigate. And I'm using this as an example because I was falling apart constantly and he had to be like, listen, this is going to last for four years and I need us to come out of this strong. I need you to figure out some ways that you can self soothe and stop looking at the news all the time and figure out ways that you can make yourself feel better without feeling like you're gonna fall apart 24 7. Because not only is it tiring, but I'm worried about your mental health. So I want you to feel good even though things are stressful. It doesn't have to be the end of the world every time a new news story comes out, you're not going to make it. Not our relationship, but you, you simply are not going to make it through this. You're going to like need to be hospitalized. So I'm just saying it. And it was hard for me to hear that. I didn't accept it very well at the beginning, then changed my tune and I'm very happy he had that talk with me because I needed to be kind of shaken by the shoulders and have a wake up call. And now I can actually be a source of comfort from my brother who's experiencing similar stress. It really helped me. But my point is that it can be very hard to hear that and it can be a reason why space is requested. And that can feel like such an insult to you, you know, the person who the partner is needing space from because it can make you feel like a little baby who doesn't know how to regulate and all of these things. And then you beat yourself up about that and then you reassurance. It's a very bad cycle to get in. This space is a great opportunity for you to take some of that back and take care of you, you know, because we can't expect our partners to be our support in every single aspect of our lives. That's not sustainable.

Yeah, well, and to be fair, you know, we've kind of romanticized that idea that, you know, this is really a great relationship when I can emotionally fall apart and my person can put me back together. And we don't realize that that is not a great daily operation. But yet we've kind of been told and taught, really and kind of sold that romantic notion that if that is our dynamic, not only is it going to be okay, but that it's what it's expected, you know, that this is an expectation that I bring into the relationship, that I should have you as my rock, my foundation, the person who can always put me back together and I can fall apart in these emotional places and spaces and we're going to be just fine. Without realizing the toll that it takes overall, and the person who's allowing themselves to fall apart, you feel out of control and chaotic and in a constant state of fear all the time. So you're not winning on equation and on that side of the experience. But it also takes a toll on the person who's expected to keep the house afloat, you afloat, your life afloat. You're supposed to be able to do that all and we're going to be okay. And very often this is a very common pairing in relationships because it makes the can keep it all together, feel really good and powerful about themselves without realizing every time you do that you're actually dismantling your partner because they're becoming more and more confused and dismantled and feeling like they can't do it on their own. And then the person who's going to hold it all up is going to grow More and more weary and exhausted from it all. And it's not a sustainable relationship in those places and spaces. Everybody has a contribution, and we both have to kind of look at the dynamic from that perspective. It's very important that we do. And ideally, what we're working for is not that my partner can't be there to support me and help me, but I have the ability to also support myself. I also see very commonly in relationships where the person who is commonly needing the help and the emotional support and rebuilding from their partner, not only do they feel insecure and afraid, but they're also wanting their partner to tell me how you feel, let me support you. Because then it helps me feel like I'm doing my part in this relationship. And what we don't realize is that will never happen in that dynamic because there is no space for me to fall apart. If I can't rely on you to be strong to support me, then I'm not even going to come to you for that. And I'm not going to feel safe and secure in coming to you for that. And you're going to be begging and pleading for me to share, to let go, to expose, to be vulnerable. And that is going to feel exceptionally unsafe for me to do so. Because who's going to hold up our life then? If I fall apart, you fall apart. Who's going to do it? And we don't realize it's. It's in the setup. If I don't trust you to be able to hold yourself together, well, then there's no way I'm going to allow myself to fall apart myself. Sometimes that can't be an option in the dynamics.

So rather than the words, again, it's all about the behavior and the demonstration. Once you start showing up in a way where you have the ability to do some emotional regulation and resourcefulness within yourself, that may be the actual bridge to allow your partner to take some stress off his or herself and share like, oh my gosh, I do have a partner here to leverage off when I'm, you know, very rarely are Stacy and I both down in the dumps on the same day, and so we can leverage off of each other, but we both have a good ability to stay pretty resourceful within ourselves. But we're all. Everyone's human, all us included. The beauty there is because we have that baseline within each of ourselves, then we can reach out and say, God, babe, just remind me that this is going to work out, or whatever we need, you know, that's the time where you can truly leverage with your partner and it's a beautiful place to be.

Yeah. Ultimately, that's what we're going to consistently reach for. So I want to know that you're going to be okay without me so that when I need you, I can go there. And I also want to know that you're capable of supporting me when I need to fall apart. And if not, then we're not going to allow ourselves to go there. It's going to be a very different experience, which is more common, where I'm either hiding behind your poor behavior or I'm not allowing myself to say what I need to say because I'm afraid that you're going to fall apart is going to prevent us from being able to truly co create in a way that supports us both when we need it. And that doesn't mean either one of us carry the whole load. It means we can give and receive support when it's necessary. But I'm never afraid that you're not going to be okay if I say what I need to say. That's easy to say. And there are many, many layers and principles and skills that need to be understood and practiced in order to create that thing we just said in a sentence. So if your mind starts to scramble. I don't know how to do that. Of course you don't. Where did you go to learn that? How come nobody's ever told me that principle before? Because we don't talk about these kinds of things. We don't study relationships even as much as, like, learning how to drive a car when our lives, the very foundations of our lives are built on it. I know, it's kind of ironic, isn't it? But it's usually in times of space and separation that we'll finally step in and go, okay, teach me. Join. Join the roadmap.

We teach you that there?

Yep, we do. We. Absolutely.

Well, again, we said it last episode. I hope this illustrates just, you know, it's amazing how much we expect of ourselves not even throwing in the time when we're in a place we've probably never imagined we would be. And we're just supposed to try to figure this out on our own? With great love and respect. How the heck did that story and most of us bite off on. Oh, yeah, man, I'm. I shouldn't be a wimp? Well, no, you're a human being and you're struggling mightily. And to think that you can do this by yourself is just gonna probably most likely everything we've seen is just gonna call more pain, more trouble, more distance, more space, and no transfer and.

Give you the default option. That's what we're all pushing against, and that's what we're trying to keep you from getting is the default option. That's why we are doing these episodes, so you can avoid that. Our next question is, how do I communicate my needs after space coming back together from space without sounding controlling or needy?

Well, that's a whole skill in and of itself. That is a power punched question. Thank you so much for asking it. Learning how to say what we need to say in a way, there can be an exchange of information as well as the ability to pursue understanding is a masterful skill that we need to spend some time doing. But here is the short answer for today. We have to get to a place where we realize and understand that communication is the pursuit of understanding, first for myself and then of you. And that is a hardcore period. It is not a place where we push, we convince, we coerce, we manipulate, we demand, we leverage. Because all of those are just a myriad of force forms of manipulation in our experience, most of us don't know how to say what we need to say without incorporating those things I just mentioned and many, many more. And so we're rightly concerned about how we step into these conversations because pretty much that's all I know and that's all I have been exposed to. And so we literally need to have conversations that are devoid of manipulations of all kinds or debates, which is again, another form of manipulation. To understand myself enough that I can share it with you and that we also have the ability to listen and pursue understanding from what's being shared, that is going to be a skill we practice a lot. Because listening honestly, you know, without judging, coercing, dismissing, diminishing, ignoring, you know, checking out all the things that we do when we hear things that are difficult to hear is the hardest part of the sharing and communication equation when we're pursuing understanding. So we push to be heard, we push to speak. Why? Well, here's the kicker. When I speak as a human being, I understand myself. And when I listen, I understand you. And so when I don't understand and things become more chaotic and you're saying things that I don't agree with, it's almost impossible for me to keep my mouth shut. I want to talk. I want to create understanding for myself. So I talk and then you talk. And pretty soon we're both talking and there's no listener. And then we get more frustrated and more chaotic and more conflicted. And so I talk louder, just like I would talking to somebody who's speaking a different language that I don't understand. And I go, what? Even though they're speaking Spanish, I can't hear you. And we think that that's going to help us understand them. That's what we do automatically. It's intuitive in us. So everybody's talking, everybody's yelling, everybody's screaming because everybody's trying to understand ourselves and what the hell is going on. So again, I'm going to say that just as a culmination to this, this important skill that we, we literally must learn if we're going to be good at relationships. When I speak, I understand myself. And when I listen and have the ability to do an emotional pushup so that I can listen to you, then and only then will I understand you. That's. That's hardcore.

Stacy often shares she's been saying this for as long as we've been doing this work. 99% of the people that come to us and wherever you're in the relationship journey. What's the challenge? Communication. And Stacy Austin's often remind it's I understand communication. But before we can really help you understand and practice what Stacy just described, first, we can't even get to communication because guess what? Everyone's going to be talking over each other now. What? There's no exchange. See, you can't have communication. It'd only be one way, just no different. Any other principles that are in the universe? It doesn't matter. The principles are the principles. So they always apply even though we think, no. But not in this situation. No. With great love and respect, it does. So most of us have no exchange. We don't have a witness and a reveal. All we just have is just trying to talk louder and louder. And who's more boisterous? Off we go and everyone turns into a hot mess and no one's talking.

Our bigger problem, there is actually emotional regulation in what I call doing an emotional push up. And if you can't do an emotional push up, then your communication is going to be horrible. Because what's going to happen when communication and we start using words is everybody's going to lose their shit. I have lots of sexy frameworks. I can help you frame it and lay it out and be intentional about it and all kinds of things, but you're not going to use them. If you're losing your shit, you're going to go right in the garbage can and you're going to go back to what it is you commonly do when you get emotionally dysregulated and you don't understand yourself anymore. You're going to start talking and you're going to start reacting to everything that's being said and you're going to get louder and more intense about it and so is your partner. Communication is something that comes after we talk about emotional push ups and emotional weightlifting and how to regulate ourselves. And I first have that initial understanding of myself because without that I can't listen to you anyway. I'm too busy trying to tell you about me because I'm trying to understand me. I can't listen to you. So that's got to be an initial first step. And yes, of course, we all cite that communication as our biggest problem because we intuitively know we need to share and exchange information. We just can't figure out why it is if I'm the one doing all the talking that you're not getting what I'm saying. So I talk more and I talk louder. There's not that exchange of information like you talked about, babe, you know? So again, it is how it works. Hopefully that gives you some. Okay, that makes so much sense. It really isn't all me because it isn't all you. We're all doing really is a skill and it really is something to roll your sleeves up and master. It'll pay dividends for the rest of your life. And I'm feeling like that's a really great place in this episode to kind of leave you with nuggets to chew on and things to explore and examine and consider in life. I'm also going to encourage you, if you haven't already, to take the quiz that's going to help you see where it is. I need to scale up and what I'm good at and maybe where I fall down and get frustrated and fall into conflict. Also reassure you that's very normal. We're never not going to have that experience as a human being. And so we just need to be able to work with it instead of buy into the ideas that there's something wrong with me or something wrong with you. Because the pursuit of no triggers in our life will not be a good pursuit. We need to be able to understand the triggers and know what to do with them instead of what we are probably doing now. Because the ceasing of the triggers and the things that spin us out in life will never happen. We will never be successful in co creating with another human being if that's the case. The only way you're ever going to be successful with that is if I'm alone by myself, because then I piss myself off. We've got to get better skills and understand better principles in order to govern ourselves, navigate ourselves through these things. You can also consider joining our roadmap. We also have a couples program with support that I would encourage you to check out and consider as well. I'll put the link to my website, which has all the juicy things that we do and all the wonderful ways that we support people who are wanting to get better at this thing called love. So let's talk about the Follow the fun today. I call this read reclaim your world challenge because reconnection with others starts with a reconnection with yourself. So this cute little challenge I want to offer to you today is an invitation to start each morning this week with a moment of self return before checking your phone or doom scrolling into fear stories. And it's really simple. It'll only take you five minutes. But here's what I want you to do. I want you to wake up each morning and take five minutes to breathe. Just breathe. Get in tune with your own breath, your inhale and your exhale. Notice that as you breathe, I'm taking in or receiving. And on my exhale I am letting go, I am releasing. I need both. So whatever is coming to you in the morning, my inhale is the understanding I want, the joy, the potential, the possibility, the hope of life again. I'm giving another day and the exhale is the worry, the stress, the confusion, the things I don't understand. I'm letting that go. And as you do this, I want you to feel your feet on the floor. Just feel your feet just ground. You're here, you're standing, you're supported, you've got this. And then I want you to ask this simple question after you've done that a few times. What do I need today? To feel steady and supported and then go pursue that thing. Go gift yourself that thing and start your day from that place. It only takes five minutes. And please, please, please do it before you pick up your phone. Check in with yourself. This is a wonderful practice for you to just check in and get to know what it is you really do need to feel steady and supported. And if it involves you receiving a text or a reassuring word from somebody outside of yourself, please ask yourself how you can give that to yourself instead. What do you need to reassure yourself of today? What I need is good enough. The way I see it is good enough right the reassuring words that I'm just desperate to get from somebody else. How do you give those to yourself? Then do it. Those are important places because your worth and well being isn't in their outreach or response. It's in your body and in your own heart. That's what you need. The song that I've chosen for today's episode is a song called Good Enough by Ben Macklin and Flex La Flex. It's a song about the tension between what's felt and what's left unsaid in a relationship when disconnection is growing. The lyric that I love that really captured me on this one is do you still feel it too? Or am I alone in this now? And those are the big questions that we ask. But we are always good enough as we are. What is being highlighted here? Places and spaces that I need to see and learn and understand more about myself, more about the partner that I've been co creating with, and more about the us that is created as we both play our part on the chemistry between us. You can listen to this song by going to my podcast page or by searching it up on Spotify by searching Love Shack Live Playlist if this conversation has moved you, helped you feel a little more seen, or given you something to think about today, please consider sharing it with someone you care about. And if it's helped you personally, please also consider leaving us a review. We would love to hear from you. We're so grateful and honored to be a part of this relationship journey with you and remember this because it's something we all need to hear more often and we've touched on it in this episode. Love isn't built by avoiding the hard stuff or acting out around it because we're frustrated. It's built by learning how to move through it together with better skills and principles that are life giving to us all. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shack live.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

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