#242: Why Space Doesn't End Relationships - Miscommunication Does

Have you ever stared at your phone, heart pounding, wondering if one wrong text could push your partner even further away? You delete, rewrite, hesitate. Silence feels like rejection, but reaching out feels like an enormous risk. It's a brutal place to live. And here's a hard truth. Most relationships don't end because of space. They end because of the misunderstandings that come from miscommunication. Words have different meanings for us all, and silence creates meaning that impacts us too. And without some sound principles and skills, the panic, the spirals, and the second guessing will only grow. This is Love Shack Live, the podcast for those standing at a relationship crossroads. Maybe daily conflicts have worn you down. Maybe the emotional gap keeps growing. And maybe you still want to rebuild something real, something lasting, and you're looking for answers that make sense and that actually work. I'm your host, Stacey Bartley, a relationship mentor who has walked thousands through the heartbreak and hope of these chapters of life. I'm joined here by my lover and co host, Tom, and her daughter, Brooke. Together, we'll guide you through the messy middle space. Space doesn't end relationships. Miscommunication does. So here's the question for today. What does it really take to stop miscommunication from negatively impacting your relationship during a time of separation? Stick with me, because by the end of this episode, you'll see why clarity isn't just possible, it's actually essential. And how one small shift could keep this chapter from becoming a permanent goodbye.

Thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Let's start by talking about the pain miscommunication. Because it feels like this. Every text feels like a gamble. Silence feels like rejection. But reaching out also feels very risky. Small phrases land wrong, and suddenly you're in a spiral in your head or you're in a fight. Why would you say that? Why would you do that? Why would you go there? Why would you bring that up? The misconception, though, is this. Most people think they just need to send the right text, say the right things. And marketing Clickbait loves this on the Internet. It plays into this difficulty that we have when we're in this place. You'll hear or see things like, see this one thing and they'll be yours forever. They'll come home no matter what. And I want you to know it's bullshit, but they're playing on your uneducated, unknown ability to identify what would really help. It's not your fault. I'm not blaming anybody, but I am just showcasing here the gap and actually the naivety of this place can be preyed upon very, very easily.

I think what you just said is that it's not that you need one phrase to say, it's your missing skills. And that's what most people misinterpret. It's like, oh, if I have this one phrase, everything will be okay. But the gap is much bigger than one missing phrase, and it's going to take work to learn the skills.

And that gap, you know, the gap that caused the space and separation is resulting for more than just one missing thing to say.

Yes.

I mean, so give yourself some grace. It isn't just one thing. At least that's. We've never seen that, and we've worked with a lot of people. Any problem is not the result of one thing. It's the catalytic moment. That's a compression of all these, you know, hurts and misunderstandings and miscommunication isn't just this one thing in either direction.

Well, and we could really dive deep into this because when we really step back and think about what's going on here, if you had somebody say something to you and it was elegantly put, but you still felt in the nuances of emotion, misunderstood, would what they're saying actually work and make a difference? No. And I think all of us, if we slow down and think about it like the perfect phrase sometimes that's elegantly said, grammatically correct, that still negates the emotional nuances of interaction and human connection will never land well, because you still feel misunderstood and you still feel unheard, and you still might feel dismissed in.

That space, Building a beautiful mansion on top of a hill of sand, you know, it's gonna collapse because you don't have the strong foundation of the skills and the emotional regulation underneath to make the phrase work.

And we got all hung up on the words and like, like we said, you know, just give me the phrase. What should I say? Well, it's not about that. I could give you lots of phrases and things to say, but if you don't understand the emotional nuances underneath it and you don't have the skills to emotionally regulate yourself, it's not going to go well. Even though they're great phrases, you know, in the words that we use, which as humans words are clunky, a simple word or a simple phrase can mean and take us places in our own experience, emotionally and in our own minds, we all have different associations to them. And so I can be misinterpreted very often, and that's not anything I can control. And so there's a lot of little nuances here that we need to understand so that we can manage our own frustration in. Okay, I misunderstood again, or what I intended to say is still not coming through. That means that there's an exchange of information that is not happening. And that's a skill thing, not a word thing. And so the thing that I really want to drive home here is it's not a texting problem, it's not a phrase and sentence problem, it's an emotional regulation problem that you're having in your communication. So someone says something, it's misunderstood, and then a reaction happens, and then in that reaction, the conversation escalates when we understand it like this. I talk as a human being to understand myself. And the more chaotic it becomes, the more I want to talk because the more I want to make sense of the experience that I'm having. And so you can see very quickly if this is the case for the two of us having a conversation, you can now start to understand why it is we fight the way we do as human beings. Because the more chaotic it becomes, the more I don't understand myself and the more I don't understand you, the more I want to talk and the more my voice goes up, the more I feel escalated and frustrated and anxiety ridden about this inability to actually understand you, but more importantly to understand myself and what the heck is going on here. And so now we're both talking over each other, we're both yelling and screaming, trying to make sense of the chaos that's going on. And the truth is we just don't know what to do instead. And we have to have those two parts in order to do it differently.

I just want to add in one caveat here, is that there's nothing in the world that makes you feel like you just need to get one more word in or say one more thing or add one more, you know, point to the conversation than your partner asking for space. So it makes that problem even worse because you're like, no, no, wait, if I just say this one thing, then maybe you'll change your mind and you won't need this space, and then everything will be okay. And that often is what makes it worse, because you're saying a whole bunch more things that trigger them or make them say, no, this is why I need space. Space when you think you're trying to make it better, you know, which brings.

Me very elegantly to the second point that I wanted to make. When we are afraid and hurting, which is absolutely where we are during space, and separation. We are very sensitive to everything that is said and not said. So sometimes we err on the side of not saying anything because we think that's our best chance of success. And that's not a bad thought. Logically, that makes a whole lot of sense. Because if we haven't had a lot of success in using words and trying to talk this through, and I know that every round of trying to talk this through has created emotional impact that I am now struggling with and we're struggling with collectively, then it's very understandable why it is that we would say, I'm just not going to talk. But here's the kicker about that. Even though we're not saying words, the exchange and the silence is still being interpreted by the other person. They are making up what the silence means scenes, even though no words are spoken. And so they are going to fill in the gaps without any information. For us humans, we're going to insert the narrative with the worst possible thing that I can imagine is going down now. And so we're going to err on the side of our negative cognitive biases. So when you don't engage with me and things go silent, probably because you don't know what to say, or you're spent emotionally and trying to get your point across, we're instead going to go to a place where I guess you're done. You don't care about me. You don't care about this relationship. You don't love me anymore.

You think I'm a piece of shit.

Well, you're really inserting a horror show.

But that's not where it ends. Because then when your partner does actually reach out after the silence, you're responding to them like they had said all of those things you imagined in the silence.

Yeah, you're going to live congruent to what you make up as true in your own narrative. So in the silence, you're sitting there thinking, surely they don't care about you. This relationship is over. And then they speak, just like Brooke said. You're going to react to them as though they had actually said those things when they actually have not.

That's a really good share and definition of our internal movie framework. We haven't done an episode on that in a long time. Have one? Might be a good one to do. But anyway, it's a topic for another conversation.

So when distance is already present, we are going to make more meaning up on everything that happens and doesn't happen. Some examples that come rushing into my mind, our clients that tell me that if their partner comes through the door and actually greets them with a hug and a smile and how was your day? It means they're still in it. And if they don't and they just go straight to the shower or need some space or go check on the kids or take out the trash, it means that they're not in it and this relationship is over. So, like, we also start these little tests, right, to see where everybody is in the silence of trying to read the tea leaves, so to speak. And that is a very dangerous place for us to go. For the reasons that we've just touched on, we are going to show up congruent to the things that we make up in our minds. And most of the things that we're making up in our minds are the horror pictures and fears and insecurities that we internally hold. It does not mean that that is where your partner is. It means it needs to be vetted out so that I can show up better, I can treat them better, we can engage better. But that's not what we do. We. We tend to just act these things out. And that's what I call taking out my fear and frustration. We take it out on each other. For this reason, it's really important that when I say, hey, what's up? It can sometimes feel like pressure. And that's why I didn't mean it like that. But hey, what's up? Means I'm pressuring you to engage with me. Or a delayed reply might feel like a punishment or disinterest. We can make up all kinds of things in our minds, so we often overreact and jump to conclusions. That often creates more chaos and confusion, which often adds to the damage that is already being done. So in space and separation, these things that have brought us to this moment kind of just ramp up because everybody is kind of spiraling in fear and insecurity. Yeah.

There really is the ultimate environment for just a compression. So it's no wonder that someone's usually going to say, I got to have some space.

Well, and that I need space usually is like the catalytic moment of all catalytic moments where it's like, I'm like screaming, I need space. But then there's no communication after the fact of what this is going to look like. You know, how often we're going to talk, how we're going to communicate throughout the space. I'm just going to take space and you're going to wait for me. So that's why saying, hey, how are you? Can seem so Risky to send because you guys have had no agreements about how you're going to work through this space, you know? So it adds so much more pressure. It makes you feel like your phone is like a grenade because you're like, well, I want to know how they're doing. I don't want to impede on their space, but I also don't want them to feel like I've forgotten about them and don't care. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, and you don't know how to do it. And it feels so risky.

This is why so many people spiral when they are experiencing space and separation. You can't speak and when you do, you over exaggerate, you over explain and you overexpress yourself. So what you need is some structure. You need a foundation that you can count on to find your footing again and to slow down. You need structure that helps you know when to reach out and what to say and how to keep yourself steady while you do it. I need to let go of a lot of the meaning making that I'm making about reading these tea leaves and ask good questions instead so that I can truly have some understanding around my circumstances and my situation. Most people don't have this structure and that's why many times space can be so unbearable. So here's what's important. We're texting from fear instead of clarity. We're saying too much and trying to fix things really, really fast with ideas of, if I can just get you to come home, everything will be fine. No, it won't. Because there were things that needed to be addressed for one or both of you that led you to this moment. And so quickly we can find ourselves in that space of saying nothing and letting silence do the talking for them. But as we've already touched on, oh, wow, that can be dangerous. Because now you're going to allow the person that knows nothing about you, where you are, what you're thinking, what you're needing, where you're wanting to go, fill in all of those blanks for the two of you and they're going to turn into a hot mess too. So the key is not the perfect phrase. It's actually the state you're in when you send a message, whether that's in person, face to face, over the phone, right? Or in an email, whatever your form of communication is that has been agreed upon. So structure is so important and yet that's the last thing we think of. We need a foundation to stand on so that we can all exhale and navigate through this miscommunication and misunderstanding to a better place of clarity.

Hey, mom, too, I actually have a question or two from some of the people who have reached out about space and separation that I think they would love to hear your answers about them. Is that all right? This one is, which I know a lot of people are going to relate to. How do I navigate communication with a passive aggressive, avoidant partner while avoiding both anxious behavior and completely ignoring their communication style?

Well, we had a lot of labels.

In there, didn't we?

I mean, I'm not knocking the person asking a question at all. No, those are very good. But why don't we speak to how you teach a mentor about labels and such? Because it's quite different than the typical information out there.

It's really important that we understand what happens for us as human beings when we label each other. The minute I do that, I'm now treating you like this label or this diagnosis, and it makes me feel like as a human being, I've really accomplished something. Like I've really figured something out. So it gives us this sense of like, I've just knocked it out of the park when the reality is you really haven't accomplished anything. You have a name for something, but the dynamic of it or the pattern in our relationship still exists. It does not give me any helpful information or tools in regards to how to change the behavior, which is what needs to happen. And very often that's what I see labels and diagnoses become in couple relationships. Because I can dismiss you and ignore you by saying, well, you're just this right, you're gaslighting me. Well, that doesn't help us gain clarity and understanding in our communication. It shuts the conversation down, which, by the way, is the worst thing that can happen in communication. The minute I've shut the conversation down, I can sometimes have a sense of like, I've really handle that. Look at me go without realizing. Remember what we've said in the podcast. If there's silence, the narrative is going to be filled in anyway. It's just going to be filled in with a bunch of things that you know nothing about. And then you're going to be treated as though you did know what those things were about. And it's going to create more chaos and confusion. So your opportunity to actually create clarity and understanding has now been shut down. And that's what makes communication so hard and difficult for couples, is we think that by avoiding it, we're actually going to be able to accomplish something. But the more we do that, the more chaotic it becomes because of where everybody is going to go in their own meaning making. And then they're going to take it out on each other as though everybody knows and nobody knows. And so we all run to our friends, our besties, you know, our families, and go, why do you think they're doing this? Why do you think they're doing that? What do you think this means? Well, there's only one person you can ask to get that information, and it won't be your friends, your besties, and your family. It's going to be them because they're the ones that are making it up. And so all that to say, that's the challenge with an avoidant. A person that avoids a conversation is living in a lot of internal conflict and chaos that they don't know how to have a conversation about. And believe me, they don't want to be there any more than you want them to be there. But we have to give them a safe place in order to show up and let them know that I do want to hear what they have to say. And if we start labeling them as an avoidant, oh, you're that avoidant. I'm reading this attachment book and oh my God, you fit every one of those things. You're such an avoidant. When are you going to pull it together? Anything like that is going to cause them to shut down and become more avoidant. They're being judged, criticized, labeled, and told that they're the problem in the situation. Now, I want to say this about relationships. Everybody has a role to play. My role in knowing and understanding all of these wonderful labels and doing all the reading and all the personal, personal growth is a good thing. But when it becomes teachy and preachy as though I'm the superior one, you play a role in shutting that avoidant down. And I know that sometimes is a big pill to swallow, but that drives the dynamic of they shut down, you learn more, teach and preach, throw the book at em, share a podcast, they shut down more. And that's a dynamic that is always a sweetheart message to it. I shut down because I don't want to say anything that's going to hurt your feelings. And I feel really, really bad about myself and what I'm saying. I understand. I shut down. I just don't know what else to do. I don't know how to get my footing behind me. And I understand the person who's out there learning and growing and listening to all the books and the podcast, they're frustrated as hell that they can't have a conversation with this person that keeps shutting down. And so all I know to do is label them, give them the information, hope that they see it, you know, beat on them a little more, and maybe that'll take us to the promised land, and that dynamic won't take us anywhere. We're not having the conversation that needs to be had. The conversation that needs to be had is, hey, I'm suspectful that all my teaching and preaching is actually causing you to shut down more. And I want to do this differently. So how is it that I can help you feel safe enough to show up so that we can have a conversation? I want to do this differently. Together. I'm going to have to address my part just as they're going to have to address their own. And that's the conversation that needs to be had.

So I think it's important in Stacy's example there, that there was no labeling that was shared. There was truly an invitation or a request to be invited into that person's experience.

It has been my personal and professional experience that labels and diagnosing does not help in creating connection and intimate moments of understanding and clarity between couples.

Why is it that you think that's so prevalent?

Because I think the thing that it does is it gives you an insight into your partner's shoes. But what has been done instead is we've weaponized it against our partners. You know, it should be like, what happens in your brain is like, oh, yes, they tend to lean towards avoidant behavior. And I can see that that's why they're retreating from this conversation. But you're not saying any of that to them. It's like an attempt to understand them better so that you can have some empathy. You can see they're not doing this to hurt me. They're doing this because their childhood was maybe a bit crazy, and they learned that avoiding made everybody except for themselves feel safe. So that's why they're doing this now. It's not supposed to be a thing where you're like, you're an avoidant, and you need to. You need to work on this because it's ruining our relationship. But that's unfortunately where it's gone. And it's really. I feel like it's really lost its original purpose, which was to help us see ourselves in each other and understand why they're coping the way that they are and make it easier for us to relate to them and empathize with them so that they do feel safe about it. But how Mom 2 described it is exactly how it's being used. And it makes it not safe for us to come out of our shells.

We're using them as, this is what's wrong with you.

Yeah. Not, this is how you are.

You know, this is how you're showing up. What can I do to support and help you or understand this better? Help me understand why you go here so we can actually have a conversation about it. Because a behavior is never who we are. It's something that we do to cope with emotional difficulty.

Again, that's really good.

Behavior is not who you are. It's what we choose to do to cope with emotional difficult difficulty. And we don't know what else to do.

So as we become more skilled, the more we can expand our ranges of behavior when we're navigating difficult situations.

Yeah. Well, there are principles, nuanced principles to help us understand human behavior so that we can have the two parts that we need in order to change our behavior through the process. I need to know what doesn't work, and that's what a label gives us. This is creating difficulty in our relationship because of your behavior, ironically driven by my behavior. It's always a cause and an effect. We use it as a. This is what's wrong with you. And when you fix this, then we're going to be fine. And we spend no time trying to understand why it is you choose that. So I see what's not working in the label, but what the label doesn't give us is what to do instead. So we tend to just keep banging on the label or the diagnosis. And we do that to ourselves, too. We feel like because I've been given this diagnosis, this name, that now I feel broken. I feel like there's something wrong with me. Instead of recognizing, Recognizing and realizing those labels are not who you are. They're a place that you go to cope for good reason. And our opportunity is to understand why it is and what that gives you and then explore better ways of what I could do instead so that I could create a different experience or outcome or interaction with my partner and myself, quite frankly.

Yeah. And I also feel like they've kind of cut off the conversation that you just described, because a lot of people just say, you're being an avoidant again. And then they don't ever have the exploration that you just talked about. Conversations over. You go avoidant, you go anxious. That's it. You know, like, there's no where you both could come together and maybe meet in the middle. That doesn't happen because you just say that's what an avoidant does. Okay, you're doing it again, and then no one's going to want to come and discuss why they acted in an avoidant way if that's how you're yelling at them about it. I think a lot of people think, no, I did something good there. I called out their behavior. Behavior. But they don't realize that instead of extending a bridge, you're putting up a wall.

Yeah, well, they're feeling criticized and demeaned and minimized, and they're doing a perfectly good job of that themselves. Yes.

Yes.

Two things I want to say about this. Number one, some of the most incredible people I know are avoidant. And yet avoidance are very demonized in this attachment conversation. So I want to point out if you are an avoidant or you're madly in love with an avoidant, they're avoidant for a reason, and we need to go and understand what that is. An avoidant is not a death sentence. It is not a whole life sentence. It is a coping behavior that has served them and now needs an upgrade. They, believe me, want to be just as free of it as you want them to be free of it. But we cannot approach it from a place of ridicule, belittling, you know, preaching, teaching. It's something that needs to be understood. They need to feel understood. Number two point I want to make about this whole attachment conversation is we can become avoidant ourselves. It's so funny how all of a sudden we're banging on somebody who's avoidant only to flip around and be avoidant myself, because now I'm coping in this next circumstance or situation or conversation in my own self. So insecure attachment, secure attachment, and avoidant attachment styles are coping. They aren't coping behaviors. They are not who we are. And it's not like once we're there or once we do them, that's what we are for life. That is bullshit. I have been and probably will be again, all of them. I've been anxious, right? I've been anxiously attached. I've been avoidantly attached. I've been securely attached, and I can rotate through them like the best of us, and so can you, dear human being. And so before we think we've got it all figured out in our little attachment styles that make us feel like as humans we've got everything all organized and put together, we need to understand why it is we do what we do. In those behaviors, not necessarily criticize or belittle each other and ourselves for doing them.

So can one use it as a snapshot of where they find themselves right now and then?

Yes.

How can we explore how we can navigate this where you find yourself or your partner right now?

Yes.

It should be a doorway, though, to exploration, a doorway to more conversations. Not a diagnosis that you then make your partner wear on their forehead and they're shamed with for the rest of their life.

Exactly. Because you're going to find that under each coping skill. Avoidant. Right. Insecure, anxious. There's a sweetheart message there. There's a very sweetheart, strong message as to why it is that they choose to do what it is they do. And it'll always make you go, but we don't everything to go there. We just think that the more we bang on them and criticize them for the thing that they're doing that now we can so elegantly speak to and label is going to make all the difference in the world. Doesn't really do anything.

Star member of ours, his name is Mason, who's been on our podcast a couple times.

Right. If any of you are in the throes of trying to understand avoidant behavior because it really does become demonized, I'll.

Put the episode in the caption. You guys should listen to it. It's really like a diary episode from a previously avoidant person. And also, I want to say one last thing about avoidant people. They really do get. Get a bad rap. And just think for a minute. If they're avoidant, they are avoiding emotional conversations. That's very uncomfortable to them. So you probably also realize that they're not very good at telling you how they feel. Maybe they don't often tell you that they love you as much as you would want them to. It took them a long time to tell them that they loved you all. And you can create a longer list from that, from the things I just said. But. But it's not because they don't want to. And it's not because they didn't wish they could. It's because they literally don't know how to avoid people. Yeah, people are very comfortable doing all those things because we're very in touch with our emotions. So I would say we know how to say how we feel at this snap of a finger because we're so anxious and we feel all the things. It's impossible for us to imagine not being able. Not knowing how to do that. That. But I just want to really remind you it's not that they know how and they're not doing it. They literally do not know how. And that is. I don't know how that's possible, but it's true. And I feel like it makes it so much easier to empathize and understand them when you realize they're not purposely holding anything back from you, they're giving you all they have. It's just much different than what you have.

Avoidant people are often the most sensitive, squishy people you have ever met on the planet. Like, they are emotionally deep, but they don't know how to put it into words. And so when those moments come, they shut down and, and when we can get them to share and open up, as you will see in Mason, if you've not listened to that episode, please check it out. If you have, listen to it again. If you're still trying to understand this Avoidant piece. He is one of the most sweet, amazing, kind, thoughtful, compassionate people I know. And avoidants are like that. They're so squishy on the inside that they're terrified to express it on the outside. As a wonderful teacher mentor of mine many, many years ago used to say, oh, I just love the crusty exterior people because they're actually really chewy and sensitive on the inside. That's so true. So very true. So I've created something to help you with this. A live masterclass. And I'm calling it what to say and not say During Space. It's really a 90 minute class that I've designed just for this moment. And I promise to show you how to avoid the most common communication mistakes and what to do instead. There are tools that will help you. And I use these same tools with my private clients where a single 90 minute session is 300. So this workshop makes those tools accessible to you for just $39. It's all happening September 27, 2025. That's the date to be there and to show up. And you too can gain these skills and principles and structure for yourself. This is your chance to end the spirals, the silence, and avoid the mistakes that are so common when we are navigating through this. If you've been waiting for clarity and ways to stop the chaos and sleepless nights, well, this is your moment and you can go get it at stacybartly.com livemasterclass also, our 30 day love and limbo roadmap is still open and we only have 25 more spots available, so grab yours if you haven't already. You can learn more about the 30 Day Roadmap by visiting staceybartley.com and clicking on the 30 Day Roadmap tab. Remember, it's not the space that ends relationships. It's the misunderstandings from our poor communication that does.

So, babes, in our live masterclass, I know the question we get asked all the time is Stacy and Brook and Tom, how the heck can I communicate anything to my partner because he or she has asked for total no contact? How the heck do I do any of these strategies you're going to share with me in our live masterclass? Because I can't do anything because they want me to have zero con. There's no room for any plan of any kind.

So that's a really great question. And even in those moments and spaces, maybe you're going to take a break and go no contact for a period of time, that's totally fine. But then you want to prepare for the moment when you're going to actually have a conversation. Right? You're going to need to have a conversation and some communication exchanges to take the next step.

Right?

It's not like it's just going to be over. If you're like most couples, we have things we've got to figure out who's going to take care of the pets and the bills and the trash and the house and the how are we going to move forward? And this would be your moment to truly become clear about the things you would like to explore and express and ask for while you're taking that space in place. And also, more importantly, you need to find a foundation to stand on that stops the spiraling for yourself to be able to ground yourself in a way that you can actually think clearly enough to formulate those things that you want to share, express, say and ask for. And often that takes support. If we could do it on our own, you would have already. It helps to have some tools and some skills and some understanding of principles to help me find that foundation and structure that I so need in these moments where I'm spiraling out of control.

I know that may feel so counterintuitive. And I would say the more counterintuitive it feels for you, the more that you should attend our live masterclass because I promise you, listen, that one component is probably the most asked question. Would you all three say, I mean, and it's a great question, like, how the heck. So believe me, you know, there's some very specific skills and very specific phrases, you know, that we. And they're not comp. I always remind people these are not complicated words, but the sequence of which we use them are often very different than how we take. Typically use them, which is why it renders a very much.

It's causing me to remember my own experience in this place and space where I was, you know, spinning up and running over the edge and creating so much unnecessary suffering and chaos and conflict internally for myself. A person who was gracious and generous enough to walk me through it as a mentor said, gosh, you're really struggling with this. You need to go 30 days, no contact. And I was like. Like, I'm gonna die. My life is gonna be over. And he went, oh, geez, this is really bad. You probably need to consider 90. And I'm like, what, 90? Oh, my life would be over. Like, I'll be dead by then. And. And. And he was right. It's like, I have to calm down so that I can find a place of foundation and clarity before I can have a positive exchange in my communication with another person. Otherwise, I'm going to be highly sensitive and highly reactive and have no clarity whatsoever, which is going to be the thing that shuts the conversation down. And so it was because I had help and support from this person that I was able to find a place to stand on, that I could then, with meaningful sense of clarity and truth and composure, have the conversations that were so critically important for us to have when the communication did open up again.

Yeah, I often say that, you know, you most likely wouldn't be able to turn and face what you're facing now had this space and separation not happen. I mean, I'm not dismissing the incredible pain, emotional pain, and everything that's associated with it, but oftentimes I'll talk to people and say, you know, to be truly fair, you and I probably would not be talking right now if you are not going through this. So, look, all three of us have been through this, so we're very understanding and empathetic as to what you're navigating.

But.

But we want to help and mentor and teach you to use it as a gift that probably otherwise wouldn't be there and gain, as Stacy just described, some newfound stability, foundation, understanding. So you can navigate this in a way that's very different than typically whatever you're going to find out.

Yeah.

So if you're spending like, a top. Oh, you were going to say something.

I know that mom, too, at the very beginning of the episode, said there's no special words that you can use. I do want to say, though, that. That there are Ways that you can say things that will trigger your partner less. You know what I mean? So there's no, like, special script, but there is a way of saying things that lower the temperature and make communication easier and allow your partner and not get offended at what you're saying. You know, because we typically speak with a lot of emotion, so learning how to speak in an emotionally regulated way really can help.

Talking when you're.

You're going through space, as we said.

Earlier, it's not so much the words, it's how you show up and use them that makes all the difference. So if you're spending like a top, come and join me live. And let's get you the clarity and the steadiness that you've been missing. It'll make all the difference in the world. So let's have a little follow the fun. I call this decoding the delay game. I want you to think of the last time you didn't get a text right back, back. And just pause for a moment and ask yourself, what story did you start to make up in your brain? Common interpretations of this delay are, they're done with me, they're out with someone else. It's amazing how we can talk ourselves into our partners having an affair, even though that's the furthest thing from everybody's mind. Or they're intentionally trying to hurt me. Oh, they're just sitting there looking at my text, and they're not texting me back because they just want to twist the knife and cause more pain. And they know they're doing it to me. I just know. I want you to know this is called a cognitive bias towards the negative, and we all have it. Remember when I said in the podcast episode that if there's silence, don't worry, I'm going to go ahead and fill in the narrative with my own fear and insecurity. There is really no script or any. There is no narrative that is left unscripted. I will take care of the silence moments by inserting what I'm making up in It's True. And that's what's happening here in this delay. You can see it happening in real time. I'm going to just jump to the conclusion and come up with some outlandish narrative of what's happening, and that showcases my cognitive bias towards the negatives. And we forget about all the other little possibilities. Like maybe they're working or busy doing something else besides checking their phone. Maybe they set their phone down because they're so absorbed in what it is they're doing and could it be a joyful thing? Could it be a thing they're making for you? Could it be they're taking a moment to meditate on how they might approach a conversation with you? I'm just not ready to have it yet. Maybe they're scared too. How about that one? Maybe they don't know what to say and do and so they want to sit with it just a little longer to make sure that they show up and say what they want to say or need to say or explore with you in a better way. Maybe they're actually trying to regulate themselves and that's why they're not teching back. Or maybe they're just pooping. Maybe they're just having a big old poop and hey, we're all human, right? We all poop. So, you know, before we start jumping to these outlandish narratives in our own lives, I want you to just stop and think about that. So the next time that you don't get a response back, maybe remind yourself to consider the positive things that could actually be going on too. I want you to know that's really good practice. This week's song I've selected is Jesse Glenn Hold My Hand. It's an uplifting song that offers a calm in the storm and it also highlights the power of support when you feel alone. It's also a little jazzy so you can dance to it if you need to feel a little better and maybe boost your mood a little bit. Dancing. That's a sure go to for me when I'm feeling a little bit down in the dumps. Maybe it will help you too. You can check out this song along with my entire playlist by going to Spotify and searching up Love Shack Live playlist or by visiting my website daisybartley.com and visiting the podcast page. We add a little song with everything just because. Well, I love music and I think it helps us feel the essence of the message that we're trying to convey to you in the podcast. With that being said, thank you so much for being here with us inside of the Love Shack today. If this conversation moved you, helped you feel a little more seen, or gave you something to think about, please consider sharing it with someone you care about because that's how this podcast grows. From heart to heart, story to story, human to human. And if it's helped you personally, please consider leaving us a review. We would so love that. We're also so grateful and honored to be a part of your relationship journey here. Remember this because it's something we all need to hear more often. Love isn't built by avoiding the hard stuff. It's actually built by learning how to move through it together with better skills and principles that are life giving. Thanks for being here. We'll look forward to seeing you next time. Bye bye for now.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on, ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, Visit us at loveshacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.