#243: How to Reconnect When You Feel Miles Apart From Your Partner

Have you ever laid next to your partner at night and felt miles apart, even though you've just spent the whole day together? The conversation was there, but the closeness wasn't. It's one of the most painful things I hear over and over again with my clients, talking without truly connecting. And here's the thing. Connection is an automatic it happens when we allow ourselves to be witnessed in our truth, not in our performance, not in our pleasing. Before we dive in, a quick note here. This is a special episode pulled straight from the Better Love Club. We're bringing you two of these teaching sessions while Tom and I are away in Italy. Sweet Secret. We're checking out a venue for our couples retreat in 2026. You'll hear the teaching only with student voices removed. And stay tuned for more information about the couples retreat coming to you. This is Love Shack Live, the podcast for people at a relationship crossroads. If daily conflicts are wearing you down, if the emotional gap keeps growing and you still, still want a love that feels real and lasting, you're in the right place. I'm Stacy Bartley, a relationship mentor who has spent years helping people rebuild connection with skills, not wishful thinking. And I'm joined by my lover and co host, Tom, and her daughter, Brooke. Today I'm going to show you what really creates connection and what quietly breaks it. We'll slow your nervous system down and then get practical. You're going to learn three simple ways to share yourself so another person can actually find you. A present, moment, truth, personal story, and or a deep value or desire. You'll also hear why trying to be the same, to agree or to please, will stall your intimacy even when your heart is in the right place. And by the end, you'll be able to name what's true for you right now. Offer one short story that invites closeness and ask for what matters without turning it into a debate. Small moves that absolutely change the room and the experiences between you and your special someone.

So.

So here's the question we'll answer together. If connection is created, not found, what happens the moment you stop performing and share one true sentence instead? Well, let's find out together.

Hey, thank you for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

We're going to be talking about connection.

So however you're coming tonight, I just.

Want you to know it's welcome here. If you're tired, you feel messy, you feel nervous, anything in between, I want you to know that it's always welcome here. Because what we focus on here is showing up exactly as you are. Like, that's the practice. That's the gift that we give to each other. So we always start with a breathing exercise where we get to just kind of get in our bodies and let the day kind of float away. So let's. Let's do that. Now. I'm going to invite you to close your eyes if you can, and start to focus on your breathing and slow your breath down. If I slow my breath down, it's going to slow down my thinking. It's going to help me get rooted in my body.

And the magic that happens is all of a sudden my thoughts and my feelings sync up.

I can think and I can feel all in one present moment. So I want you to just take a big inhale in.

And a big exhale out. If you want to make a noise, please do so. Talked about that in previous sessions. You're all muted, so you don't have to worry about anybody hearing you. Let's do that again together. Like, inhale, big.

Ah.

Let it out. And in your own way, give me three more of those. And as you inhale, I want you to imagine inhaling all the good stuff, all the things that we desire and long for, and exhale all the worry and all the stress and all the tasks of the day.

Give me a few here.

And now I want you to feel your feet on the floor and yourself grounded where you are feeling supported.

Take one more big inhale and exhale. Just to let go of whatever is trying to monopolize your thinking so that you can be present here and come back just as you are in this moment.

Open your eyes when you're ready.

Let's talk about connection a little bit. We can have all kinds of ideas about connection. Okay. We know from some of the conversations that we've had in here and some of the lessons that essentially it's when I share a little piece of me with you and you share a little piece of you with me. And that sounds so simplistic, you know? So why is it that it can become challenge? And there are a couple of things that I just wanted us to understand about connection in regards to the differences between just talking. Right. Sometimes I think we can probably all relate. Maybe we've done this ourselves, where we just think as long as we're talking and sharing some aspects of ourselves or some random research or some things that we know, then that should create the connection. If I'm following that simple framework of when I share me with you and you share you with me, that then. Then that. Voila. That should just be that thing. So why do I feel so disconnected with this person when I just spent all day with them and we talked about all kinds of things, but I still don't feel any more connected than I did, you know, three or four hours ago? What is that? And I want you to understand that connection happens when we're witnessed in our truth telling. And that's very different than me just sharing information, ideas, trying to make conversation happen. It, it really happens when I am witnessed in my truth telling. And truth comes from what? My vulnerabilities, the no bullshit stuff. It comes from me claiming what is true for me. It comes from me knowing what is true for me. Even if it changes in the next moment, in this moment, as I'm sharing it with you, it's where I'm at. And I just, I just really want to simplify the idea of vulnerability. That is what it is. It is simply me saying, this is what I'm thinking, this is what I'm feeling. This is what I'm struggling with. This is what I don't know. This is what I'm afraid of. This is what I hope to be when I grow up. So, like any version of those things is me being vulnerable and when I share them. You had mentioned this when you were speaking. You know, that you took a risk and you shared a lot of things that you hadn't shared ever before in your whole life. And sometimes it's interesting to just note that when we don't do that, when we are not vulnerable, then we will not be seen. There is nothing to be a witness to. Sure, we can pull out a lot of really great, smart things and talk about books that we've read or, you know, people we know or, you know, experiences that others have had. But I, I won't do a very good job of sharing me with you and vice versa. And we can find ourselves very often in learning this piece of wisdom, trying to create connection with other humans and ponder as to why it's so difficult. Because every single time, the thing that we're going to be challenged with is actually the vulnerable piece of ourselves that we're toying with. Sharing, not sharing, sharing, not sharing.

All right?

And until I can share that, I can't be witness for the truth that I hold. And sometimes the things that I don't say can be just as impactful as the things I do.

And also when I share these things, I really don't want to be fixed or judged or instructed. I want it to be received, at least understood. And that's where the witnessing part comes into play. And ironically, when that's the case, I can listen better.

I really have a heck of a time listening. If I can't be vulnerable and essentially plant myself in any real time conversation right here, right now. It's really difficult to create connection that way because either I'm going to be hemming and ha and try and decide what I can and what I can't share, which is very human, or I'm going to be so busy trying to recalculate my response when somebody is sharing that I'm not listening to what they're saying. So I can't create connection back. And those threads of connection have to go both ways. If one person is sharing and being vulnerable, but the other person doesn't return it, I'm going to become, you know, I'm going to shy away from sharing my vulnerabilities from that place in space. Right? I, I only feel comfortable trying to extend an invitation so many times without receiving something back that I can connect to from you. It makes it really difficult for me to continue to extend myself in that vulnerable way. And that's just true for us as human beings.

Okay.

And if I'm unwilling to share myself in vulnerable ways, it makes it very difficult for people to connect with me. And I just want you to see that in relationships, that's how you find one person doing all the vulnerable sharing, the begging, the pleading, the fixing, the enrollment, the teaching, the preaching, and the other person continuing to push all of that away. And it creates the disconnection that we experience in our human relationships for us to turn and create connection in a better way. Everybody's gotta be willing to risk and be present and often say the things, have the courageous willingness to reveal not only to ourselves, but others, those small things that we're thinking and they're coming up for us. We know them to be true. But I won't share them. And then I, I, I become unseen. I feel like I don't matter in my relationships.

So right now let's just, we're gonna practice a lot of connection today because I want you to have an experience of what it is I'm talking about. I'm gonna invite each of you to just take a few seconds right now and drop one word in the chat that describes your day today.

What was your day like today?

Just one truthful word that describes your day.

Emotional. Power. Fulfilling. Focused. Busy.

Awesome. Tired.

Emotional roller coaster.

And I just want you to take that moment and notice what comes next within you. Are you paying attention to that biological pop that goes, yep, that is what my day was today. That's validation. That is what I experienced today. And then as everybody starts to share, you might go, oh yeah, that one too. Oh yeah, I didn't even think about that one. But that's true for me too. And that's the power of a group. Sometimes I can't really put a finger on something, but somebody else will say it or have the idea. And then it helps me see more of myself in profound ways that creates connection. That's that idea of being able to be seen and witnessed in that place and space.

So connection, what does not create connection, just so we're really clear about this before we jump in and start practicing it with each other, is a performance.

Pleasing.

Sameness, always being in agreement with someone.

So just take that in. If I have to do a performance and get you to like me and wear the right thing and do the right thing and make it this thing where I can't really be me, I'm trying to put on this performance. Connection is not probably going to happen for me. If I'm in a place of pleasing somebody in order to get connection, trying to do all the right things but not getting anything back because I'm just focusing on pleasing you. That two way connection can't happen. And if I'm always trying to be in agreement with you and I never have a point of view or an opinion or a perspective of my own, then I don't contribute to the relationship in places and spaces that will create connection. And if we're all just trying to be the same, I personally wish that from the heavens of the earth there would be a light, a big alarm that would go off anytime we were all trying to enroll ourselves into one idea, one way, one path, one ideal. Because that would be the minute that we would eliminate.

The experience of contrast and I would no longer be able to see and understand myself.

So you see, when we get into groups where there isn't contrast and there isn't the permission in space to actually share and say what's different and unique about me with you and you get to do the same with me, that expansion and growth are eliminated.

It's not connection. It can quickly turn into a game of power and control. So connection is not performance pleasing, being in agreement or acting as though we're all the same because we're not as much as we think we're the same. There's always going to be some uniqueness in it. Sometimes it's shocking Right.

Sometimes you think you have somebody like, ah, all right. Because we're part of this group and we do these things and we have these kids and we all are doing it together and we work at the same place or the same. And then you find out something about them that is like, wow. Would have never guessed. That's so cool. I'm so surprised how many of you, including myself, I'm putting my own hand up. How many of you have been frustrated with the experience of connection because you didn't really understand who you were and you were in the game of performance. Pleasing agreement, being in agreement and sameness. Like, I just want everybody to see this is.

The rite of a human passage of wisdom. We all come commonly to a place where we approach seeking connection and approval from this place.

From thinking, we've got to perform, we've got to please, we've got to be the same. We've got to be in agreement and alignment there that there's no room for the uniqueness that I am. And so, you see, most of us kind of take it into a place where I'm protecting that uniqueness that I'm at, which prevents me from creating genuine connection with others, which then increases in a catch 22 my. The performance, the pleasing, the sameness. Many, many containers and places and spaces. And we can start buying into the idea that there's something wrong with me or that I'm broken or my picker's broken or all kinds of crazy things that we start making up are true. And the reality is you just don't know yourself. You don't sit long enough to understand your thoughts and your feelings and the distinctions in regards to what makes your heart sing and what breaks your heart and disappoints you and what eases some of the pain and discomforts emotionally that come up for you. We. We don't talk about or explore those kinds of things. They. They often are something that I didn't even realize I needed to understand. I used to throw up at the thought when somebody would say to me, oh, Stace, you just need to love yourself. You just gotta get to know yourself. And I think, you know, screw you. You don't know what it's like to live in my skin. It'd make me so angry. I think, come on, you gotta give me something else. And please don't tell me to sit down and meditate or I'm just gonna blow a gasket right now. It's like, what is it? And I had completely exhausted myself in this idea of performance and pleasing and being in agreement and sameness. I lost my voice. As many of us do in this place and space. And I want you to see, it's. It's so common. 99.9% of us are gonna travel this way. We have to understand and be reminded again and again and again how important it is for us to have a voice of our own that I claim for myself. Because then connection and all the things I say I want in intimacy is so much easier. It brings ease. It doesn't take us to fairy tale land. It brings ease and our ability to navigate through the inevitable ups and downs of life. It is my vehicle to create connection. Because genuine connection is actually being seen and heard as your real self, whatever that is in this moment. And you don't ever arrive there either, by the way. It's a place that is going to consistently change and transform over time as I do myself. What I need, what I want, what I aspire to, who I want to become, what I want to change, what I want to learn. It all changes over and over and over and over again in our lives. And so if I want to establish and maintain connection with others, then I have to allow for that flexibility and that space of change to happen with inside of myself and others.

How many of you have felt threatened when things change, maybe in your relationships? And we didn't know how to talk about it. Yeah, we didn't know how to bring it up or disclose it. Right. So we keep kind of going through the motions, but what needs to be said is often not said. And there's genuine impact there to our connections. It really is about being seen and heard as your real self. And I would add, in this moment, knowing that in the next moment it just might be different. I might see it from a different perspective or in our sharing of ourselves with each other. I might see it in a new place. And I'm just going to take this back to the beginnings of relationships so we can see this like on the exciting end of things when we're first getting to know somebody. It's incredible to meet somebody that all of a sudden starts to spark, right. Your interest, your curiosity. And all of a sudden, in this sharing of me, sharing with you, my struggles, my challenges that I've lived through, the things that I want to create and do and know and become now are almost electrifying as I share them with somebody who starts to key into that. And then I starts to like, expand into this whole place of imagination where I get to do it Again. Then I'm gonna do it with you. I can't wait to take you to my favorite peach joint and share you with my favorite peeps and share you with my friends and take you to this place that I've traveled that I just love and know you will too. Like, that's what makes it so electrifying. The connection piece. But how quickly we stop sharing our true real thoughts, feelings and emotions and desires when all of a sudden I feel like there's some friction and some rub there. And I quickly am going to find myself as all humans do. Most humans do. All might be a stretch, but most humans do in that place of performance and pleasing and sameness and agreement. And we all start doing it and then we start to kind of disconnect a little bit. And that's normal gonna happen. It's going to happen. I don't want you to think that that's absolutely flat. You know, it's gonna. It's gonna be. It is the natural ebb and flow of relationships. So the loop kind of looks like this. I reveal, you witness me. Then you reveal, I witness you. And we both feel safer and the intimacy between us grows.

So let's play with some. There are three basic ways of sharing ourselves that are very simple in our communication with each other. Okay, I'm just going to give these to you as kind of like a cheat sheet that we can then practice. There's a present moment truth, which is right now. I'm noticing that blank is true for me. I had you throw a word in the chat. Okay, we just did that one, but we're gonna do it again. That's a present moment truth right now. I had to, like, name it or claim it or express it and share it. I noticed this. The second one is a personal story. And this is when in conversation, even with groups or with somebody, sing somebody individually, we are reminded of stories that I wanna add to the conversation. There was a time when I fill in the blank. That's a personal story of me. There was a time when I da da da da da da da. And I could go right into the story. And that's sharing and connecting with others as well. And then there's the sharing of a deep value or desire. What matters most to me in this moment is. Or what I notice I'm really attached to is right? Or what I notice. I. Oh, man. That would just tingle my toes.

Like, that's mine.

What would just tingle my toes. Oh, my gosh. At some point in time in my life would Be this.

So present moment truth. Right now I notice a personal story. There was a time when I fill in the blank and a deep value or desire that's expressed in what matters most to me or what really gets me going.

We could do this. We could do this in the discomfort too. What really chaps my hide or what really burns my fanny? Those are personal truths of ourselves. Okay, so let's practice, and we're gonna take em one at a time like this. I'm gonna create some breakout rooms and I'm gonna give you some prompts. And the first thing that I'm gonna encourage us to practice is.

Just that right now I notice what are you currently learning from your relationships in this moment? And as we go into our breakout rooms, I want to remind you, our goal here is when one person speaks, everybody else does their best to be fully present and listen. But also pay attention to where your mind starts to wander, because that's normal. That's okay. And if you want a useful tool, sometimes it helps to just write a thought down on the page and come back to it. Practice bringing yourself back to the listening. That's the practice of listening when you're not the one sharing.

Right.

So the prompt again is right now. What are you currently learning from your relationships? And by now you're probably starting to key into the reality that they're our greatest teachers. What is it for you?

And then we'll set up the next one. And I'm going to move you all around so hopefully you all get a chance to kind of connect with each other as we go through the night. Any questions about what we're going to do next?

Speak now or forever hold your peace. Each person take a minute. Here's what I'm learning from my relationships right now. That's the piece. There's no prep for this. I want you to realize that we're practicing having conversations and building connection in real time. That's an art. That's an ability. That's a skill that we're actually losing. And I want to sit on it. I want to think about it. I want you to just kind of step into it and take a crack at it right now in real time. All right, here we go. Be back here in a minute. Thoughts about sharing something in real time. What do you notice that experience is like for you? Do you find it? Well, you can do it with grace and ease? Yeah, it's. It really is just kind of a leap of faith, right? It's that risk we talk about really is just Kind of. Okay, one, two, three.

We're going to jump.

And there's really no easy way to do it. You just kind of got to jump. Kind of like the more you think about it, the scarier it becomes. By the way, that's a principle in our sharing, too. The more I think about it, the scarier it is, really is. Right. So if I think about it long enough, I probably won't say it at all. Yeah. So notice that I'm scared, but then allow myself to risk a little bit, see what happens.

It's.

I promise it's not going to be any more painful than holding it.

Yeah. We don't know how it's going to go, but we want to give you everything you can to enhance it. Going well, however it goes. And that takes us back to we know how the end is going to go because however it goes, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to feel good about my role in it and knowing that I gave it my all. That's all any of us can do. There's lots of room and space and places here to explore and to understand and to practice. And so all you got to do is just show up. Remember, it's not about the show up at the. There's lots of things to be explored here and learned. So we're glad you're doing it with us. We're here to support you in whatever way we can. That goes for all of you. So. So let's do another round. This takes perfectly into sharing a story. And the story that I'm going to invite you to share with your group is the last time that you felt acknowledged and appreciated. When was the last time you felt acknowledged and appreciated by someone?

You just open this room.

Just waiting for everybody to return here.

And questions or comments. Let's what did we learn about connection tonight? Or what is the questions that you still have floating around that will take the last few minutes here.

Let's wrap up then.

And how we wrap up newbies is we put our hand on our heart and close our eyes and we say, oh, just feel your heartbeat for a moment and take that in. You're here, you're present, you showed up. Take a moment and thank yourself for showing up and being here and being a contribution not only to the group, but to yourself.

And while you're here, think about one thing that you want to take away from tonight that you can hold on to until we meet again next week.

Remember that you are more than you think.

And remember the connection is not something we find. It's something we create by being real, by being you.

And take a big deep breath as you give yourself a little bit of gratitude once again and know that we be connected from this place and space in our hearts until we see you again next week.

Coming back to the room. Put your hand down and sincerely thank you. The group is what it is because of each and every one of you, what you contribute to it. I love and adore you each.

Big hug and a kiss for now. I'll look forward to seeing you next week. And thank you all for helping me navigate the class tonight. I couldn't do it without all of you. So big hug and a squeeze for now and we'll look forward to seeing you next week and inside of the portal between now and then. You have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out. We don't just say that to be nice. We really mean it.

So goodbye.

Say goodbye to everybody. Unmute yourself.

Thanks for listening to this special Better Love Club Replay. While Tom and I are in Italy scouting the venue for the 2026 Couples Retreat, I want to invite you into something that can support you right now. Our masterclass, what to say and not say During Space. You can grab the Evergreen version anytime or join me live on October 16th or 18th, 2025 for the next sessions. All the details are in the links in the show notes. And remember, connection isn't something that just happens. It's a skill you can practice starting today.

All right, it's time to leave the Love Shack. But before we part ways, we want you to know our door is always open and we'll leave the porch light on. Ready to welcome you back whenever you need a dose of relationship wisdom. For more resources and tools, visit us atlove shacklive.com to dive deeper into the topics we've explored and find additional support for your relationship journey. Stay connected by subscribing to our podcast. Thank you for being part of our Love Shack Live community.

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