#26: How To Start Over In Your Relationship When You Need A New Beginning

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

A little old place where we get to get together and explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations, and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is the show for you. My name is Stacy Bartley and I am here with my co host and lover, Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping singles and couples to create and experience what we call love for a lifetime.

And if you're catching us on our podcast, that means you haven't caught us live. And that's all good, believe me. We appreciate wherever you're taking a few moments out of your most valuable resource, which is time. But I share that with you because we are live. We're live, like all over right now, thanks to our awesome station, KKNW 1150 in Seattle, 1:00 clock PST every Thursday. And we'd love for you to join us live. And if you can't, wherever you find your podcast, we'd love to share some time with you there as well.

Yeah, wherever you are, it's great to be here together with you today. And today we're going to jump into a conversation about how do you create a start over, Like a new beginning? We call it in our body of work a do over.

Is that kind of like restarting your computer?

Well, I mean, it's a great analogy because sometimes, let's be honest, we need to absolutely create a new beginning when we feel stuck, when we feel stale and overwhelmed in our relationships. Don't you wish we could just swing through the drive through and like, order up a do oversight and super size it, please. And can you imagine for a moment as you pull away from the window, you have a steaming cup of do over in your bag, you pull it out, you pop the lid, and you're all of a sudden transported in time back to that moment where you knew if you could just begin again, you could take another stab at it. I mean, like, wouldn't that be amazing? And I got great news for you. Can we can create do overs all the time? In fact, do overs and start overs and new beginnings are all around us all the time. It's just when we're in the thick of things, we often don't think about a do over or a new beginning or starting over as an option.

So share with us. Why? What was that for you? Because this is a place of great passion for my lovely wife Stacy. Why? What, what triggered that emotion right there? Because.

Wow. Because we all deserve feelings of renewal with which will allow us to truly move forward and let go of our past that if we don't understand this information can keep us stuck in our past instead.

Well, this is huge.

This is huge.

This is huge.

So stay tuned as Tom and I, right here live in the Love Shack will help you learn all about how you too compress the do over button in your relationship and create the new beginning that we are all longing for. We'll be right back.

Foreign. Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to Stacybartley.com fairydust stacybartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to Easy Street.

Hello, I'm Nathan Mum. Join me and Mike Ruday as we host a weekly technology show that talks about technology for the everyday common person. We are a live radio program that airs Saturday from 4 to 5pm on YouTube, Facebook and Twitch. If you go to facebook.comtechtimeradio, youTube.comtechtimeradio or Twitch tvtechtimeradio, you can catch us live Saturdays from 4 to 5pm you can find us at all podcast services online from Apple to Google and everything in between.

Like us on Facebook, facebook.com 1150, KK&W. Hey, welcome back. Inside the Love Shack. Today we're having a conversation about a do over new beginnings. Right? They are so important and as Tom said already I am very passionate about this because it has this simple little ability to change the trajectory of where we usually find ourselves in our relationships. In this emotional experience called Love. And it usually ends up in a place we don't necessarily want to be. And I was inspired, actually, by this episode, by spring itself. I mean, spring just began, right? Here we are.

If you're catching us live. I mean, it's springtime.

That's true springtime here. And. And it's a perfect time, in my opinion, to talk about the importance of new beginnings. Because, I mean, after all, that's what spring is all about, right? There is a wonderful research study that shows that human beings, all of us, pick springtime as our most favorite time of the year. Why? Because it's difficult to not feel good in springtime. Like new hope, new possibilities. And many animals in springtime, they produce cute little baby, adorable rabbits and birds and chipmunks and squirrels that the dog and I see as we walk through the park every day. I mean, it's spectacular. And I'm sorry, babe. On most get to do that with us. But. But you see that spring is in the air. And statistically, scientifically, it's proven that as plants are growing, and they do the process of photosynthesis, there is carbon dioxide that is actually pulled out of the air in astronomical amounts, which causes us to feel better because of the air and the oxygen that we're breathing as a human being.

Now is the time for Stacy's Science of Love.

Well, just.

I'm just kidding. Stacy's a science geek. But it does have relevance. Please stay with us, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, stay with us. Another Beginnings happen, too. They happen all over, not just in plants, but. But it happens in our lives. I mean, don't we feel like we want to clean out a few closets, you know, get a new wardrobe, open the doors and windows, let the light in. Spring is typically a time where we're like, okay, I'm gonna go for something. I'm gonna do something. I'm gonna allow myself the permission to, like, jump in and do something different.

Yeah. And all kidding aside, no, what's coming to me is. Is literally. Literally to begin again.

Yes.

To begin again.

Yes. And so I just want you to see that that's naturally built into our experience.

So let. So let's. If I hear you correctly, let's. Let's leverage on this time of year again. If you're listening to this live or shortly thereafter, it's spring for us in North America. Obviously, if you're in the Southern hemisphere, I had the pleasure of traveling to Australia. This is a slight diversion, but it's relevant. Many years ago, they're in the Opposite. So they would be in fall right now for those of us that remember the seasons. But if you're in North America, it is spring and it's the time to leverage that for a do over in your relationship. What does that look like, Mrs. Bartlett?

Well, and the reality is, is we can create a do over. I mean, have you ever asked or wondered what prevents us from creating new beginnings in our lives any old time we want? I mean, have you ever considered that you have the power to do that any old time that you want? And most of us would say no, Actually, I've never contemplated such a thing.

Right, so do over when? I mean, again, you're meaning.

The simple answer is no, we don't.

No, we don't. And so. But do over doesn't just mean tongue in cheek. And that's a cute, acute phrase. Right?

Well, and, and, and yes, we can create a do over anytime we choose to. And believe it or not, it applies to our relationships too. And that's the part that we want to dive into. Right. We need lots of do overs in our relationships. And why do you think that is, Mr. Bartley? Why do we need lots of do over?

Because as humans, we like to say we are mess making machines.

Yes, we are.

Now, when we make messes again, you could use the like when you spill or break a glass on the floor. But in the emotional sense, yes, you know.

Well, we're going to talk about that later.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Sorry. I don't get many chances to contribute, ladies and gentlemen, so I try to take advantage when I can.

So here's the thing. Because we are human beings, mess making machines, as we say here in our body of work, we make more messes than anything else in reality, especially when it comes to managing our emotional bodies. And in our work, we separate physical bodies and emotional bodies. We've have past episodes on this. So please, if this is a new conversation for you, feel free to dig back in there. You'll understand the ones that are labeled emotional weightlifting or emotional bodies. We need to talk about the emotional body with inside of ourselves. We all know it's there, we feel it. But the thing about our emotional bodies is they're invisible, they're fluid. And the darn things time travel on us, right? As if being invisible and fluid wasn't enough to manage. And unfortunately, we don't teach and study a lot about our emotional bodies. So most of us have emotional bodies that are running amok. And we focus on the physical. We focus on how I Look, the strategy, the thinking, the logic, and that works great until we get into an emotional experience. And an emotional experience really has no logic to it.

So may I ask, Please. So would emotional experience be synonymous or the same as a feeling experience? Okay, so you can use feeling is.

That's great that you brought that up. Let's just address this right now.

Okay.

An emotion can be lots of feelings. I like to describe this as an emotional cookie. An emotion can be flooded, and I can have lots of parts and pieces to that emotional cookie. Right. That's why I call it an emotional cookie. I can be flooded with emotion, and it could be anger, it could be sadness, it could be frustration, it could be irritation, it could be a lack of something. Most often appreciation, acknowledgment, etc. So emotion is kind of like the big enchilada, the whole cookie itself. And the feelings that you have as part of that emotion are the counterparts, the parts and pieces of that emotion.

So it's kind of like the convergence of all of those examples you gave us all, you know, coming together at one time.

Yeah. And. And, and we as human beings need so many do overs that it's hardwired into our experience. How? Because we need sleep like every 16 hours, right. We are forced to create a new beginning every single day when we get tired. And isn't it amazing how we can get ourselves into a place emotionally where we fight even that? Pushing the refresh button. Insomnia. Right. The inability to let go, close our eyes. Right. Sleep, rest. Push that refresh button. There's a horrible piece of advice that made it into the relationship realm years ago that I just want to dismantle right now.

Mythbuster number one.

Horrible. Horrible. If there was ever a horrible piece of advice for relationships, this is it.

We need a little jingle myth buster number one. Sorry.

Okay, go ahead.

No, just.

You're silly. And that piece of advice that's horrible is never go to bed mad. That's horrible advice. Because what's going to happen is you're going to continue to bang on the problem, right? Fight, fight, fight. Until you run out of emotional gas, and then somebody's going to give in. Not because they feel like that's the best way or that's what's true for them, but they're just emotionally exhausted and want to go to sleep. It's actually a great form of manipulation and it needs to be tossed out as advice if you're not getting anywhere in a current conversation or difficult conversation that you're trying to make Some headway in your relationship with somebody that you care about and love. Please go to bed. I promise you, you're going to see it from new eyes, from a fresh perspective. And that's that do over that we're going to continue to talk about in today's episode. So that being the case, right, we need to understand that we are hardwired as human beings, that we need lots and lots of and lots of do overs, lots and lots of moments to push the refresh button. And if we understood how powerful this truly was, we would absolutely be able to create more of the experiences that we long for in our relationships. And that's why I'm so passionate about this.

So if I heard you correctly, just on this first piece, then if, if we're a hot mess and we want to do a do over, but we're exhausted at the end of the day, go to sleep, get rested, and start that do over in the morning.

Yes, 100%, because you're going to have a better result when everybody's refreshed, had some time to think about it. Now, there's this principle in our emotional bodies, and it goes like this. Our emotions, remember I said they're fluid, they time travel, they're fast flowing, right? And we can be flooded with emotions that we feel but don't understand. In nanoseconds, I can walk into a room and somebody can say a word, a single word, or not even say any words at all. And it's more like a gesture. And all of a sudden, I have time traveled back to 1972 and there I am. And that's where I'm at in my emotional experience. But I'm flooded with these emotions and I really don't understand what they're about, right? I really don't understand. I just know I feel uncomfortable, I feel uneasy. I've got a lot of thoughts and feelings that are flowing. I've got a lot of things that, like, I'm feeling but I don't understand yet. And that's because there is a breakdown in our brains. Okay, honey, I've got to get a little more scientific here, okay? Because science segment number two, the science segment number two is our brains can only process teeny tiny bits of information at a time, really, in comparison to the emotion that my body can feel in right now. I can feel like in right now. But in order for me to understand what that is like, breaking down that emotional cookie we talked about earlier, I'm gonna need a few minutes like, like my. Have you ever had that experience in your physical body where you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm talking to you, mister. Have you ever had that experience in your physical body where you're saying, I don't know what's going on right now. Right. It's like your brain is struggling so hard to process the information that there's this lag between what you're feeling and this, like, ah, slowing down.

Well, what we were, and you correct me if I'm wrong, but what we were. And this almost seems like it's the universe. We say, Gus, God, universe, spirit. This is kind of like, like, that's not even fair. But feelings, I'm gonna say it slow. Feelings travel faster than thought. So did I just describe in that one sentence what you're describing? Meaning? So the point being is, is we literally have to slow our brain down. Right?

Well, we have to pause. So stay tuned as Tom and I will help you learn all about how you too compress the do over button in your relationship and create the new beginning that we are all longing for. We'll be right back.

Sam, Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past, making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love. To tingle your toes again, schedule your private session with relationship activities expert stacy bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to Stacybartley.com fairydust stacybartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Giving local voices a chance to shine. Alternative Talk 1150 Foreign.

Hey, welcome back. We had a bit of a tech difficulty there, but we are back. Talk about needing to press the reset button and create a do over what we were in the throes of talking about. Just to catch you up to speed, if you're just joining us or if you stayed tuned. Thank you so much. We just were talking about, you know, this Emotional experience that we have in our bodies and how emotions, they can flood us, but it takes some time for our brains to kind of process what it is we're feeling to understand it.

I was flooded right there.

Yeah. And. And this is why you'll get down the road and you'll go, ah, why didn't I say that? Like, oh. Or why did I say that? Because you given yourself or allowed the time to take place where now you're starting to understand how you feel and maybe and some understanding about how the other person feels. And when we teach communication frameworks on our work, we're always talking about it from a place of understanding, because that's really what it's all about. And what we tend to do is in our emotional experiences, which is what a relationship is. It's far more emotional if we're thriving in it than it is logical. And so often our relationships turn into business agreements or arrangements because we become so frustrated with navigating the emotional experience of it. We toss that out and we start checking boxes in regards to the logistics of our relationship and what needs to be done and who's paying the bills and who's cleaning the house. And the emotional experience, the one that we all long for, the one that we all ache for, actually gets tossed to the side as we start checking boxes. And so this do over, this reset button, is so important for us because regardless of where you might find yourself in your relational experience at this point in time, I want you to know you can reset the button any old time you want to. It doesn't have to be a specific time that's carved out, or we don't have to wait until a Monday or spring in order to push that reset button that needs to be pushed and reset right now that. That we can begin again anytime we choose to. And so to illustrate this, when we teach this process, it starts as a simple pause. Now, I know that that sounds so simple. And you're like, oh, really, Tom and Stacy, that's all you got for me today? You're going to teach me about a pause? Yes, because a pause is way harder than it sounds. And the good news is it is so simple to wrap your head around. So imagine for a moment what happens when you start to get in a situation where the emotions are escalating, they're going up. What we tend to do in that moment is let that freight train of emotion run away with us. And it always takes us to a very similar place, doesn't it? We call it the land of the sun suck. Right. It never takes us anywhere else. And it's on kind of like an express train. And the more I lose track of it, the more I'm like, sure, like record speed, poof. Over to the land of the suck. And we build houses there and we spend years of our lives there in our relationships. And the interesting thing about taking that express train to the land of the suck is that we then have to walk our happy butts back to a do over, isn't it? It takes way longer to come back from the express train that takes us there. Right. It could take us weeks, months and years to repair the damage that happens in our relationships. Right. From a sense of lack of safety, lack of confidence for showing up, betrayal. I say things I didn't mean, and all of a sudden we've got to come back from all of that. And how about we just don't take the train right. At the freight train of our emotions running amok to the land of the suck in the first place. And that requires us to pause. Yeah.

And you know, what you just described, in all fairness, it's because you're battling our physiology, how we're designed. So you have to really, that's why in all kidding, we. We bring the science in. So you have to understand this is happening like so fast, right? Who among us? I mean, I don't think many of us, you, you have this experience that safety described, this flood of so many different feelings. And you're like, you know, you're ready to go off. I mean, you. And so you, you have to. This moment, the slight fast, you know, intentional pause will slow down and bring your. Give your physiology a chance to catch up. I mean, otherwise, you know, you're not gonna, you're not gonna get there because of how we're wired. I mean, you're literally looking at the way that we are designed. So you have to understand what's taking place and say, okay, you know, and then again, it's. This is all happening in microseconds. If you can just do that, it is. The benefit will be 100x.

Yeah. So a pause becomes a place to focus and practice first. Because as easy as it sounds, it takes some serious, what we call emotional strength to pause when perhaps you want to punch instead. And once we gain the simple ability to pause, it empowers us to feel more in charge of ourselves as well as it fills us with incredible amounts of confidence and self esteem for navigating through the unavoidable ups and downs of life. We need to be able to pause. And then, and only then, can we refresh, reset, and create a new beginning anytime we need to. Developing and knowing that you have this ability will set you up for better conversations. It's going to minimize the fear of showing up and sharing yourself with others. And it's going to help you manage situations when someone surprises you with an emotional meltdown that you didn't see coming, even if that person who is having the meltdown happens to be you.

And I think in all fairness, I don't know if any of us, even if it's, you see these coming or maybe you see them coming, but you're terrified to express them.

Oh, for sure. So let me ask you, have you or someone you know, wink, wink, found yourselves saying and doing things that you really didn't mean and that you later experienced the pain of regret in your relationships with others? I think as a human being, we can all raise our hands on that one and go, heck, yeah, I've been there. I've done that. And because I'm so privileged and honored to see on the inside right spaces of so many wonderful relationships with the clients that I am privileged to serve and the students that I am privileged and honored to teach with you, babe. The story that comes to mind here is so many times we say, oh, it happened again. I. I have a beautiful client right now that is really struggling with trying to decide if they're going to stay in their relationship or they're going to go. And they've done several rounds. And by the way, as many rounds as it takes is as many rounds as it takes.

So often I'll just, I'll reverse engineer that question. We oftentimes people will ask us, and again, we help you come to your own best answers. But people say, like, how many times should I give this a go? And I think as many times, as many times as you feel you want to to. There is no right or wrong. You don't open up the book and it's two, you know, as many times as you want to and feel like you need to to get what we call that clunk. Yeah.

And in working with this client, there's one member of this relationship that just cannot pause. Like, pausing has been such a frustrating experience for them. And all that means is they're doing their best, but they. They're very, very weak in their emotional strength. Right. To. To manage and govern their emotional body. And not always, but typically this can fall on the man side or the male side of the equation. Just because males don't have a lot of experience managing, navigating, speaking, sharing, talking about their emotional experiences with other human beings.

Maybe other than icon in the warrior sense. Yes. I mean, that's kind of the celebrated or the movie.

And women, we have our downfalls too. We've talked about episodes as well where, you know, we're talking about our bodies or what's going on, or sensations or sharing our bodies. I mean, that's where we break down. Why? Because we, on the other side of the scale socially and in our society don't have the permission to explore our physicality. Right. Our sexuality, our sensuality, our intimacy physically with other people. And so that's where we tend to break down. Which is kind of ironic. Right. And there's lots of conversations that we'll bang around about. But the reality is, as human beings, we both have the capacity to do both and be. Be both and experience both. And that's what I want to focus you in on. So in this particular story, this sweet man, this sweet soul, just cannot get himself to a pause. And he will continuously, when his back gets pressed against the wall, say things that he doesn't mean, say and do things that he regrets later. And the toll on his self esteem, his self confidence, and his ability to move forward is. Is very, very evident. And so I just received a text from his beautiful wife that says, I've had to move out again. Right. Because we cannot continue to go down this road. Right. As he takes that express train to the emotional land of the suck. And we can all find ourselves in a situation like this where we're saying, doing things that we regret, we show up and behave in ways that we later go, oh, what am I doing? Why did I do that? And a pause. I just want you to see if we could realize and recognize that as our emotions are starting to spin out of control and we all know what it feels like to turn into what I call an interior emotional hot mess. That's your sign. That would be a really great time to just pause, stop the conversation, go for a walk, go to bed, get some sleep, take a break. Because the pause is what's needed to continue that freight train over to the land.

And I. And I would. I would encourage you to even realize and. And consider and correct me if I'm wrong. Mrs. Bartley, like you, we teach and mentor our clients. Even if you're working with someone that's very close to you and you realize you're a hot mess and you need to pause, you. You can advocate yes for yourself. And say, you know what? I'm not doing good right now. I need to step away for a moment or moments. Right. And. And come back and then regather.

Right, Absolutely, absolutely.

And then that maybe, like, I can. Yeah, that. That would be awesome to do that.

Another place that we need to consider a do over is. Is yes. By the way, if you find yourself in real time saying and doing things that you regret. Right. It's kind of like you start to realize this feels really icky. I can't tell you how many times maybe I've come in from a day. In fact, I had a day like this yesterday and I came in and I was on edge and I really needed some caution tape around me that kind of goes, do not enter this home.

You get the vision.

I need a minute.

It's always yellow, too yellow.

And as I came in, you're right, Tom was asking me some questions, very appropriate questions. He was trying to be very loving and supportive. And I started to get a little snappy. And I want you to realize that as I see and become aware of this, I can pause, which I did, thankfully. And I can say I need a do over right now. And I could even exaggerate this process by stepping back out the front door, closing it, and then stepping back in, in a manner of. Which I wanted to do in the first.

I mean, for real, you know, the comedic scenes where you, you know what? I need to do that again. Or maybe in the acting world and you go back out through the door. But that's a very powerful experience to like, you know what Thought, geez, that did not go well. And so you can say something. We do that, we'll go right out, you know, out the door and say, I need to do that again and come back. And it's very. It's very refreshing, you know, I mean, they do that in acting. I mean, so give it, give that gift to yourself and, you know, come. You know, Stacey, we were late for a very important meeting and yeah, there was a lot of tension, a lot of stress. You know, we experienced this right alongside all of you. I can promise you we're human just like everybody, somebody else. So.

And. And the most. The most difficult part of this whole thing, this whole process, believe it or not, is the simple practice of a pause stop. The trajectory of the emotional escalation. That's the hardest part. Once we get to a place where we can master the art of a pause, I can pivot and I can pivot in nanoseconds, right. Which was the experience that we're describing happened yesterday. The experience is. I say, oh, that. That was horrible. I'm so sorry. I. I don't want to come in like this. Let me try again. I'm just really struggling. And out the door I go, you close it and you come back in and say, this is the way I wanted to do it. And we could create those. Those moments any old time we want to with our awareness. Now, the thing that makes them difficult is, yes, stopping the emotional escalation in our. Our bodies. But number two, we can also get hung up because we don't want to take responsibility for the way that I'm feeling. We want to make it about a situation, a person, a circumstance. Right. And it's not me. It's that circumstance, that person, that experience. And I just need you to hear me. If you're feeling it, it's for you. It's a message for you. Yes, there might be characters in this play, in your movie, that contribute to the experiences or when they show up, they create this emotional experience in you. But at the end of the day, it's our personal responsibility to take responsibility for the way that I feel in my own life. And I can't be blaming that on anybody. I need to understand it and I need to get clear with it, and I need to understand how to work with it.

Well, I would just add, excuse me for interrupting is because if we're trying to use the circumstances, we have to understand that is an endless amount of challenge that's coming at us all the time, every day, for the rest of our lives. So realize there's. There's no foundation there. So the circumstances are going to be coming at us fast and furious for as long as we're breathing and living. So we have to go to some other place that is going to give us some. Some true north, if you will. We like to say, you know, we're confusing or we're sacrificing the experience. Excuse me. The circumstances for the experience to. The root of the issue is the. Is the experience, the circumstances. Yeah. You know what? In all honesty, no disrespect, they don't really matter because Stacy and I, we've heard them all and we've experienced them all, most of them ourselves. So meaning not to discount them, but that's not where you're going to get to really what's. What the issues are.

So that brings us to another great moment where perhaps you might want to consider a duo. So let me just bring you up to speed. If you're just joining us by chance or you're trying to hang in there because this is a conversation that, you know you need in your own relationship right now. Thank you. Thank you so much. We've talked about some of the experiences that we have where, you know, we. We find ourselves in a place where we're saying and doing things that we regret. And we shared with you, a client, that. Right, just can't pause. They're having such a difficult time with that. And that simple pause is a great place to begin, like, just stop, just pause. And I want to share with you some things that you can do once you pause. But that's really the most important thing because once I pause, I can pivot and do all kinds of things. The last or the next thing that we talked about was being in a situation where I'm trying to convince my partner to see my point of view and I pull out all the evidence and we spend endless hours trying to enroll them into seeing my way and vice versa. And what ends up happening in those situations is we go round and round and round and round and round and round again, only to sacrifice the closeness from the relationship that we so desire in the first place. And if you find yourself trying to feel heard, appreciated, or like you matter, well, that's a sure sign that what you're really wanting is just some validation for, you know, your perspective. Right? And it's. We can just cut to the chase by saying, I just need you to, to hear me, or I just need you to appreciate or acknowledge me for what I'm doing, or, gosh, you know, I've lost sight or of the experience that I even matter in this relationship. And it's going to usually be one of those three things that keep us up at night, right. That keep us fighting, that keep us trying to get our point across. And better to just pause and think about better ways to do that and. Or streamline to asking for what it is you want in that moment than to continue the breaking down of your relationship through endless hours, right, of fighting and enrolling and frustration and irritation. And the last place that I want to talk about today, there are many, but these are the biggies. These are the ones that we see over and over and over again. The last one that I really want to highlight that might be a great time for a do over to just push the reset button as we pause is we have experiences of betrayal sometimes in our relationships, especially when it comes to infidelity. Right? That seems to be the biggie that's the one that really kind of takes the winds out of our cell. And, and it does for everybody, believe it or not. Whether I'm the person that's now being revealed in what I thought I was doing such a great job of covering up, or I'm the person that's just receiving this information for the first time, there's a sense of panic on both sides of the fence. And as we go to push the start over, the new beginning, the reset button, the do over button, in that particular context, it becomes really, really challenging because there's this illusion, this, this, this idea or this mentality that we need to talk about, which is if I keep a high alert on this not ever happening again, I will never experience this pain in the future. Now unfortunately, what this gives us, it gives us the place of right constantly, not constantly living in that same pain and frustration every day going forward. Okay. And I think the best analogy or metaphor I can give you is comparing how we handle physical messes as compared to emotional messes because it will give us some guidance in regards to how it is we want to go forward. Unfortunately, it's really difficult to move forward from these experiences because we really won't just let the mess be cleaned up and put away once and for all. We tend to go back to it again and again and again and again and we're on high alert. Which just puts us just in pain from that moment forward until inevitably something's going to happen again in the future because we're really not creating a do over at all. And I get it, it's, it's hard to emotionally let go. But if we don't let go, it's inevitable that we're going to create some egregious emotional experience of betrayal in the future. Why? Because none of us as human beings do really, really well being hyper monitored or hyper right Obligated or in this place of have to and should it snuffs the life right out of us.

And what would you say? Because I, I bet I, I think I hear people saying yeah, that's easy enough for you to say. So what, what's the distinction or what, what can you share with us to where by moving on it's not dismissing what has taken place. Look, there is no doubt, you know, if you've been in on one side, the other infidelity, it's unbelievably difficult. So we're not dismissing that. Correct?

Correct.

Is that, and is that what you think why people seem to struggle to like if I'm Gonna let this go. That means that I'm saying that that was okay.

No, it's not okay. And here's. Here's the analogy. This will help us. Okay, let's think for a moment and just hang with me, because it's going to make a lot of sense here in a minute.

It.

The analogy is if I imagine myself doing something in the kitchen, and all of a sudden my hand flings around and it knocks off a glass, and that glass shatters into a thousand pieces on the floor. When it comes to a physical mess, what we tend to do is very common as human beings. You know, somebody's going to start picking up the big pieces of the glass, and somebody is going to scurry for the broom and the dustpan. We are literally going to work together to clean up this physical mess. And as one gathers the big pieces and one begins to sweep and one holds the dustpan, we sweep it all up in the dustpan, we put it in the garbage can, and it's done. We take the trash out, it's done, it's over. Now, we're not negating the fact that the glass wasn't broken. Right. My set of four or six or eight is now seven. Some odd number that really doesn't serve me. And I might be irritated for that for a minute, but not how quickly we clean up the mess, we put it in the garbage can, we take it out to the trash, and we're done.

And. And just, you know, that's a universal, too. I mean, really think about it. I mean, it doesn't matter whether. Even if you're with, you know, people you don't know that well, there'll be a certain number of people that will very quickly step in to assist.

Yes, absolutely.

Yeah. It's interesting.

I know, I know. And what ends up happening there is. Are we all under the. The illusion that there will never be another broken glass again in the future?

No.

We know that that's probably likely, right? That. That this physical happenstance, whether it be cutting my finger, breaking a glass, you know, having dinner and spilling a dish, et cetera, et cetera, spilling food on my clothes. I mean, there's. There's so many of them. But we've become accustomed that physical messes are okay.

Well, I would say it's because of the frequency of which they happen, is why everyone is comfortable stepping in.

Right, right. Yeah. And we all know and feel the embarrassment of something like that happening to us. And. And isn't it amazing that we want to support the person who actually created the mess instead of like, oh, I can't believe it. How could you do such a thing? Right, right. We're, we're not criticizing them. I mean, in some unfortunate households, that's the case. But very few of us, right, that are on this path of like, awareness and personal growth would be in a situation where we wanted to increase the shame and the embarrassment of doing a physical mess for the person who made it. In fact, we're going to step forward and we're going to try and support and ease that experience emotionally by helping them clean it up. We're going to lean in.

Yeah, fellow human to human, like, oh man, I've been there myself. I, I got that one.

Exactly.

That's not it.

Now, now our emotional experience, what if we could handle them just the same? What if I got support in cleaning up and managing my emotional messes so something happens and I have the permission and the ability to say, oh my gosh, right, I've made a mess here and I, I got support and help. Hey, okay, let's clean this up together. And we cleaned up the mess together, meaning we talked about it, we understood how we arrived here and we, we took a best guess based on what we know and understand about ourselves and each other in our relationship, about how to go forward. And we made some new agreements and commitments to each other and then we put that mess in the garbage can and we took out the trash and we let it be, knowing that if it was a problem, we would address it sometime in the future. Now, some of you might be saying, oh, when it comes to the egregious behaviors of, of betrayal and infidelity, right, we can't allow that to happen again. Unfortunately, we have no control over that. If it's a problem for somebody, right, it's going to show up down the road. And the best thing for us to do if I'm in a relationship with someone who's struggling with that, is to give it the best chance of a do over possible. Which means I've got to take out the trash and realize is that I don't have to keep sifting through it in hopes that I didn't miss something, that the mess is the mess that it happened. And if I choose to step in and I choose to try again to really, truly create a do over, managing my intense, insatiable off times, desire to sift through that mess one more time because I think I might have missed something needs to be resisted. Because unfortunately, that's going to be the very thing that's going to continue to drive you apart and keep you living in the pain of what just happened and help you move forward. It's not going to help you move forward.

Instead, and I would say, you know, I wouldn't say, I mean I, I, this is what we teach and we mentors and let's say that, you know what, this is something that you can't get past, you know, you know, and that we understand that again, we never take a position there. But you're going to need a do over. You're going to need the tenants of what we're sharing right now to do a do over to. If you're choosing to not stay together rather than having it ripped through your relationship and family like napalm, you're going to need a do over and use these skills and practices of what we're sharing today to choose to now what we call and it's not cliche, a loving release, meaning it's no longer going to. Because if we have children, ladies and gentlemen, let's just be honest, the relationship's not going to end, it's simply going to change, change, transform, transform.

And isn't it interesting when we think about emotional messes? Number one, we don't typically help people clean them up. Number two, when we take the trash out, we tend to go back and sift through them again and again and again and again in this idea and illusion that maybe we've missed something. And when it comes to emotional messes, believe me, if they are, there is a problem there. If there is some form of a consistency there, it will show up again in the future. And I want to encourage you and assure you that you don't need to worry about it until it happens again and not a moment sooner. And that way you get rest, you get the opportunity to create something different. Because if you're constantly in the place of sifting through that mess over and over and over again on hyperloop, you're going to rob yourselves of a really true new beginning and a really true do over. And oft times it's the management of ourself that we need mentorship and support with. It's difficult to do on our own because we don't know how to do emotional weightlifting. And we've never really learned how to develop our emotional strength with inside of ourselves. Heck, it's not ever anything we've even talked about. And that's why we're so passionate about what we do in creating those do overs. Because in our ability of not being able to do this. That's what robs us of what could be possible. So the story that I love to tell the most, like our poster child of all wonderful poster childs and we have many. There's so, so, so, so many. But Rich and Janet were clients of ours that were on the verge of divorce. In fact, she had already filed the paperwork to say Sara Nara, I guess my counselor, my therapist, everybody I'm working with is saying there is no hope for this relationship. And when thankfully they found us, we were able to help them do exactly what we're describing here for you to create a true space of a where everybody gets a new beginning and everybody gets the opportunity to get all in in their relationship. A do over can't happen if I've got one foot in and one foot out and I'm expecting somebody else to prove to me that this is going to work. We all need to get in our best shot.

That's 100% in on both sides and no, 50, 50, that's an illusion. It's 100% on each side.

And then it's going to take us to a new place where we see what's possible and the beauty of beautiful thing about this process. And we leave what we use a framework called the lease option contract for love. We put this together with them and what it does is it teaches us, right? It teaches us how to go forward. And what's possible in the relationship is everybody's doing their best to be all in at the end of that. It's going to help you get complete because you're going to understand things that you've never understood before. And in this particular case of Rich and Janet, what they discovered was they created a do over and they reignited their relationship and they're still married and together enjoying a life and they're enjoying aspects of their relationships that they've never been able to access before. She jokingly said, I think I'm going to send my program to your counselor who told me that this wasn't possible. And I said, no, no, no, no, don't do that. We're all on a journey, right? Ourselves. And so I just want you to know that this is possible and we absolutely need to push the reset button more often in our lives to help us pivot when necessary. If I need to clean up a mess, if I need to say I'm sorry, if I need to say I agreed to something, but I'm realizing now I don't want to, or if I'm needing to say hey, I'm not quite sure how to get through this, but let's have a conversation and take a try at it. Those are all great times for a do over, a new beginning to push the reset.

So I'm having as we bring, we land this episode. And again, we apologize if you've been with us all, all episode. Thank you so much. We've had a few, few unexpected resets ourselves. First thing is pause, right when we're feeling this flood of emotion and like we know we're going to say something that we're probably going to regret. Literally a pause. We have to give ourselves, our brain, time to slow down and to enter, to mesh, if you will, with all this, this flood of emotions.

And then we need to give that space and that time for our emotional selves to catch up with our understanding of our brains. Right. It's going to take a minute. So that's why a pause becomes so valuable. And then once I'm armed with that information and that understanding of myself, I'm going to try again. And with some difficult conversations, it might take several tries and that, that's okay. And when I push the do over button, let it truly be a do over, not only for your partner, but for yourself. So many times we deplete our emotional energy because we don't have the ability to rest and pause when we need to. And we're constantly in pain and spun up from our own doing, really, because we can't clean up the mess and be done with it and take it out. We keep sifting through it over and over and over and over again, thinking that there's something that we've missed or thinking that if I keep sifting through it, it's going prevent it from happening again. And indeed, what happens is it just keeps us in continuous.

And I would say, you know, many times this is why clients reach out to us. Whether you're single, you know, or whether, whether you're still coupled or partnered. And many times you need an outside, you know, place to, to bring safety and some frameworks, not complicated, you know, and this is what we're really, really good at. So perhaps we can wrap our arms around you, if you will, to set some clear guidelines as to how this is going to go. So reach out to us if we can be of some service to you.

Well, okay, babe, that's, that's really a bummer, but it's time for us to leave the love shack now. Thank you so much for being here and listening and we so value and appreciate you. Our listeners and the people that are watching this live, we really want to hear from you. You know, together we can support more human beings and creating the love in our lives that we so deserve. And as always, I create a song that kind of mimics the this experience in our conversation today. And why I do that is because I want to create an emotional experience for you. The song that you can look up on Spotify and you can just search Love Shack Live playlist is the song from Tracy Trapman today called New Beginnings. Give it a listen because it's going to help you understand and feel what a new beginning might be experienced like in your emotional body. Great to be here with you. We look forward to being back here with you again next week on Love Shack Live where Tom and Stacy, it's been a pleasure to share this information with you. Look forward to doing again real soon. Bye bye.