#27: Five Ways To Feel Totally Cherished In Your Relationship

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Another episode of the Love Shack. Welcome. It's a little place where we get to get together and explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is the show for you. My name is Stacy Bartley and I am here with my co host and lover, Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the story sole purpose of helping singles and couples to create and experience love for a lifetime in their relationships, both with themselves and each other.

You bet. And thank you so much for joining us. And if you're catching us on one of our podcast directories, if you will, number one, thank you. Wherever you are, thank you for spending the most precious resource which is your time with us. And I share that with you because we are streaming live at KKNW 11:50am every Thursday at 1 1am PM. Excuse me. You know, oh, what a little bit of brain fade there. And also we are now, and thank you so much to our awesome station helping us. We're streaming to YouTube and Facebook. So again, wherever you're taking time out, thank you. If you'd like to ask us a question live or text us, you know, please join us live, wherever. Again, wherever you're at, please accept our thanks and appreciation for joining us.

Yeah, it's great to be together here with you today. And we're going to jump into a very juicy conversation today that was actually inspired by Tom and an experience that he had with a group of men. Ladies, if you've ever wondered if men talk about relationships when they all get together instead of muscles and, you know, other things, I was going to say.

Maybe wouldn't be a radio appropriate. Keep it clean, Mrs. Bartley. Keep it clean.

They do, actually. And so Tom's going to share that story with us today and I just want to invite you to reflect. You know, what would a day and your life look like if you felt cherished all the time by your partner? I mean, can you imagine such a thing?

You know, and I, and I love that I'm just think about when we don't hear that word. I love that. I love the word and I love everything that, that it feels and means for me. So, yeah, I'm excited to, to share. It's a, it's a, it's a real, real life situation. And, and story that I think will be really powerful for all of us, whether you're male or female.

Yeah. And sadly, so many of us, especially those of us in long term relationships, automatically think, can't relate. I can't relate.

Yeah. So if you're like turning your dial off, just, just hang with us. Because Stacy and I've been together 10 years and I can, I am grateful to say I feel cherished every day. So it's like, oh, that's just for people that are just coming together.

And if you're wondering what cherished means anyway, you know, it sounds good and all, but, you know, what would the experience of feeling cherished actually be like? Don't worry. Because today in the love sh, we're covering several key topics about how to feel cherished in your relationships so that you can begin creating this experience in your life today. We'll be right back.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship experts expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to Stacybartley.com fairydust stacybartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Hello, I'm Nathan Mum. Join me and Mike Ruday as we host a weekly technology show that talks about technology for the everyday common person. We are a live radio program that airs Saturday from 4 to 5pm on YouTube, Facebook and and Twitch. If you go to facebook.comtechtimeradio YouTube.comtechtimeradio or Twitch tvtechtimeradio. You can catch us live Saturdays from 4 to 5pm you can find us at all podcast services online from Apple to Google and everything in between.

Bringing good vibes to the Puget Sound and the world. Alternative Talk 1150.

Hey, welcome back. We're jumping into a conversation around feeling cherished in your relationships. And sadly, so many of us, especially those of us who have been in long term relationships, automatically think like, oh, whatever, that's not even possible.

Dream pipe dream.

Yeah. Why don't you get back into reality Tom and Stacy, and then maybe we can have a conversation. Tom actually had an experience where there was a group of guys, ladies who were talking about relationships. I know, mind blow, right? But it's actually a thing. And feeling cherished is something that we want to talk about with you today and share this story that Tom had with his really, really good friends. And to show a couple of things that cherished or feeling cherished in your relationship is actually a possibility. And we want to share with you several key top about how feeling cherished in your relationship is absolutely possible and how you can get started with it today. And so, you know, babe, this, this is a conversation where I remember you coming home from a celebration with a group of friends and you said, babe, I gotta tell you about this conversation. It was, it was amazing. And so rather than me tell the story, I want you to tell the story.

Just so you know, ladies and gentlemen, I'm feeling a lot of pressure because Stacy is the sage from the stage, you know, so. Oh, gosh, I better, you know, big shoes to follow. All kidding aside. So, yeah, so I was with, you know, some good friends, you know, three other, you know, men with and, and myself. So four of us. And you know, it was awesome. We were celebrated birthday of one of my good friends. And you know, you know, just in all fairness into, in the spirit of full disclosure that Stacey and I, we like to share that, like in the spirit of full disclosure. Yeah, we were, you know, sharing and.

You know, having more.

Maybe your tradition. I'll put this in quotation. Men speak and things like that is wonderful.

What, what do men speak about when they get together?

Oh, I can't tell you, honey.

That's a secret. Oh, come on.

No, I mean, no, just, you know, I mean, I mean, I don't mean that in a derogatory or prejudicial or stereotypical. Oh, those are good adjectives, aren't they? But, you know, I'm just thinking back, you know, just, you know, how everyone's doing. And there was, you know, there was four of us, so, so two men were on one side and they were kind of talking with each other and then myself and another gentleman on, on this side, you know, and on my side, so we were kind of speaking. What would that across Crossover. Not crossover, but on the same side. Each, you know, each Tucson was on the same, you know, kind of talking. And then, you know, and then at times it would be more of a. Of a quadrant, you know, meaning all.

Four of you were having a discussion.

And, you know, but it was awesome, you know, and I hadn't seen my friend in a while because he's moved to another state, and it was just really nice to see him and these other gentlemen. And so I'll just. I'll do the short version here because we need to watch our time. But. But more importantly, one of the gentlemen had, you know, it. Somehow it. It naturally flowed to a part of the conversation to where this one gentleman was sharing that he didn't think that he was going to be stepping back into the kind of the more traditional or the more marriage role of our relationship.

Is he currently single?

Yes. And he had. He's been through a divorce. And, And. And I just stepped, you know, and.

He said, I'm never going to do that. Really?

Well, I don't know if he said never. Just didn't think that was for him anymore. And, and there was. Believe me, there was, you know, he shared some, you know, significant part of the story as to why. And look, I, you know, just so you know, Stacey, and we never take an opinion or a judgment as to what people should or should not do. What we pride ourselves on doing is help you understand and determine what your next best steps are. We don't take a position other than. I'll tell you, the one we take is it needs to go well. That's what we take. But anyway, I'm sorry for that, digression.

If you will, but digression. I think that was a really important.

So at any rate, and I just said, look, you know, I just. I felt compelled. I really did. Compelled. And Stacy knows I'm. I'm more of a quiet observer than a talker. As most of you know, by listening to this show that Stacy hogs the show. She doesn't. I'm. Seriously, I'm just having fun here, but I just felt compelled. I said, look, you know, gentlemen, whatever. Wherever you're at in the journey, you know, and whatever. You know, again, wherever you're at in this relationship journey, I said I can. Let me just share one thing with you is, is I get the honor and the privilege to feel cherished every day in my marriage and in my relationship with Stacy. Well, and. And if you're old enough to remember the E.F. hutton commercials, I love them. And I know I'm probably dating myself, but they were awesome. To where they show the large, large number of people in a room and various different settings. Really great marketing. And then someone would do something quite embarrassing, typically like a plate of food. Would you run into like a. A slider door and didn't realize, you know, the entire room turns.

The card wouldn't run. There was no. There was no more room on the car.

And by. Oh, by the way, I've experienced that one. That's. That's. But anyway, I shared, you know, I said, look, you know, whatever. Whatever you decide to do and whatever, I just want you to know that, you know, it is possible, you know, to go down that again. And Stacy and I are very. A traditional. In fact, we might have some fun news. We do have some fun news to share with you soon. Little teaser about that. We're not pro marriage, anti marriage. What we are is love for a lifetime. But it was one of those moments where like all of the chatter kind of stopped, you know, not for a long time, but, you know, and like really, you know, yeah, it's. It's really. It's something to be in that type of relationship where you are viscerally. What is that we. You're viscerally feeling. This is not cliche. And it's not, you know, it's almost hard for me to put into words because I am the great benefactor of that. You know. And so. So. And so, yeah. And I just. And then, you know, it carried on and we had a wonderful rest of the. You know, and then kind of, you know, that moment was gone, just as most moments in life are. And, you know, we carried on and had the great rest of the night and everyone said their goodbyes and I, yeah, I came home and shared with Stacey. I said, babe, I just. I thought, you know, just shared with her because, you know, everything we're doing, we're always seeing how can we share that with our tribe, our audience, our community and help them, you know, take their next best step and help them create their own version of love for a lifetime. And so, you know, then. Then, you know, gone. Stop. Forgot about it really, you know, and then one of the. My friend, the friend that we were celebrating his birthday reached out to me, I think a couple weeks later and asked me, you know, what, Tom? What. What was it again that you had shared, you know, at when we all got together? And I. I think, wow. And you know, and he gave an overview. It was pretty close. I said, yeah, that, you know, I Just said, yeah, but this is what I. And I think, man, you know, that was, that's interesting because I totally left me. And you know, it was shared with all the pure intention of just look, this is something that you can realize is possible. And so it shows you. We never know when something you share Mike, that might land. And, and I just want to be very, very clear. The. These are very wonderful men, but they're also very manly men. So these are not, you know, like, you know, you know, if you're old enough to remember Home. If you're old enough to remember Home Improvement, you know, remember. I love that show. You know, these are not like Keish Eaton. These were the, the fellows that, you know, you know, Tim Allen, you know, I love that show. That brings back great memory.

Another.

I started to digress, but these are like, you know, you know, like, you know, these are, these are, you know, manly men.

Because Tom shares this incredible experience he had. Yes. With a burly group of men. We're going to jump into the conversation of what it is to feel cherished. And I think where we need to really start this conversation is what is cherished anyway? It's a word that warms our hearts. I don't know, when somebody says it, I go, oh yeah, I want some of that. But I honestly don't really know what it is. Right. What is being cherished? And Webster had this to say about it. Cherished is to hold dear, feel or show affection for, or to keep and cultivate with care and affection, essentially to nurture a relationship. And I want to, I want to point to the, like, the long term experiences of that. Like if I'm nurturing, it's not something I ever stopped doing. It's something that's continuous, it's something that's ongoing. It's. It's something that continually gets added to. And how does that compare with the question that maybe we start comparing these two things? Because I love to talk about the contrast of things, contrasts of life, of our experiences, of our emotions, etc. The contrast of, well, what is the difference between being cherished then and loved? Because that to me sounded very, very similar. And love, when I looked it up and Webster had to say, what is love? It's an intense feeling of deep affection. And so, you know, it's interesting to look at both of those things and what would be the nuances of them?

Well, and I think initially what, what comes to me right away is the definition of love. And again, this is both, both of these definitions are from the same source. So we'll keep things consistent and congruent. Is love is that. I think the, the general feeling and, and what we think of is when we come together with someone new. And the, The. I love that definition of cherish because that's what we do. After the. This. The sparks fly, right? I mean, it's this continuation. Stacey and I love to like, you know, you think of the money and the expense and what goes into the. That perfect day, whether that's a wedding day or a, you know, a union or whatever. Well, we always say that's wonderful, but how about, like, the rest of the. The story?

Well, and even in, like, the intensity of, like, the dating world, you know, you, You. You gussy up, you lose some weight, you. You pay to get online and swipe left and swipe right. And I mean, there's all this intensity. And what about the date itself? Like, I mean, think about the intensity that goes into dating, right? I. Babe and I, and I think about our life. You know, we. We didn't necessarily date because we live 600 miles apart when he and I started, but I remember the intensity of when we first came together, right. And how I would put so much thought and intention into that. And I would have this to say about. Honestly, the bottom line between feeling cherished and loved. And the bottom line for me is they are very similar. However, feelings of feeling loved are often used as weapons, and feelings of being cherished are not.

Say that again.

Feelings of being loved can be used as weapons, and feelings of being cherished are not. And what I mean by that is I can say I, this relationship is over. If you hit the door, right? Or you don't do what I say, you're out. I love you. But hey, right? But feelings of cherished. Cherished is a place where we go to where we feel it. It's not something we talk about. It's not something we negotiate. It's not something we leverage. It's something that just is. And we get to bask in that because, again, it's the ability to feel nurtured. It's the ability to cultivate that nurturing in our relationships over time that more and more and more gives us the experience of feeling cherished, truly. And we talk about and hash and negotiate and leverage. Feeling loved or do you love me? Or when do you love me? Or how much do you love me? All the time. And it can be used as a weapon that can actually be used for manipulation and leveraging instead of love, meaning that it is the Love that we want and that we desire. So it's important for you to understand that feeling cherished goes beyond love because it's a feeling, it's an experience. It's not something we talk about and compare.

And I would say it's a. It's a. It's a. It's a constant, you know, I mean, it's an everyday contribution. It's. It's something that you just keep adding, you know, to that love. Abra. You know, Esther Hicks, Abraham, you know, that vibrational escrow. It's just a continually depositing of your cherishing of your. Of your loved ones, of your partner, your husband, your wife, your, you know, significant other, your. Your children, your family members. That. That's at. Cherish is something you. There's. There's no. You just continually make those deposits.

Yeah, I totally agree. I want to ask you, do men want to feel as cherished as women do?

Absolutely.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Because there's a lot of people that would, like, really refute that. I mean, here you are with a group of men, manly men, and they're talking about feeling cherished. I mean, good for you and brave for you for bringing that up.

Well, I would say that the confirmation number one is, again, I'm grateful for what I experienced. But then it's this friend, you know, right before our break, you know, that reached out to me several weeks later, you know, and again, I had totally kind of forgot that I'd even shared that and asked me what was it again that you had shared? You know, I mean, so that was really like, wow, you know, I mean, and again, this would be. This is not a, you know, I'm not trying to be, again, prejudicial, stereotypical, but this is, you know, you're very much, you know, you know, the. The more typical traits, I would say, of the masculine energy. How about that?

Well, and I love what a wonderful singer and artist of us that we'll share with you later, had to say about this. For every woman who needs a man, there is a man that needs you too. So, absolutely. Men want to be cherished and feel cherished and important and valued in their relationships. And maybe we should segue and. And let your friend say what he had to say about Cherish when he reached out to you two weeks later. I think this would be a good time for that.

Yeah, he reached out and left us a. A speak pipe audio message, which, you know, we'd encourage you all to do. So, Eric, if you could. If you could play that for us. We sure would appreciate it.

Guys, I just wanted to tell you that I was proud of one of my guys today. More so than normal, because he went against who he is and he took a stand for himself and what he deserves. Seems like too many people often default the what about me bs, but none of my guys do. They're all old school OGs that suffer in silence and are happy with the scraps that they are seldom thrown their way. We aren't taught to take up for ourselves. We were taught that it's your significant other's job. Some call it traditional roles, but today it just doesn't happen. Truth is, we have one life to live and it can't be absorbed trying to make others happy if they're not returning the favor 110%. At my birthday, another one of my guys dropped the truth bomb on us youngsters by saying that our significant others should cherish you every single day. And at the time, it was lost on the table. As wisdom usually takes time to sink into the gray matter. But now it all makes sense. You deserve to be happy. And if you're giving that 110% happiness, you're good. If you're not, step your game up and deliver. And then, and only then, if you aren't getting it in return, find your freedom. Because there is someone out there that would love the chance to give you that 110 back and live the rest of your life how it's supposed to be. Thanks, guys.

And that concludes our show. Wow.

All right. That, you know, he's. He's proposing that what needs to happen is that we all bring our best to the table. And if our best is not good enough, then maybe it's time to consider what he said as our freedom. Because we all deserve to feel cherished. We all deserve to feel important and valuable. We all deserve to feel loved. And if what I'm giving and what I'm able to give in this moment isn't enough, well, then maybe I need to reconsider what's playing out here in my life. Because all I can do is all I can do. Well, I can be is all I can be.

Excuse me, friend. And I love love what, what, what my friends share. Because, you know, Stacy and I often talk about, you know, you hear, you know, you gotta, you know, 50, 50. We say hogwash. It's 110 and 110. You know, we'll probably do an episode at some point around our lease option contract for love, which is our trademark framework. And I always say Stacy in fun but in reality too. Stacy created this because she wanted both of us to bring our A game every day. Wow.

And let me, let me tell the truth about that, if I may cut you off there. I mean the reality was when I created the lease option contract for 11 hour relationship babe, I was terrified of commitment. Like I had been a long time, 15 year independent woman, gonna do it my way, had enough with that love stuff. And I was terrified because of how you and I actually came together when I met you 14 years prior. It was the one and only experience and person I believe in this time and space that could stop me dead in my tracks. And my commitment to that independent. I'm not going to do love and relationship. I, I just want to impose upon our listeners that listen. I, I just want to impose upon our listeners that listen, right. I have. I know what it's like to say I'm done with love, I'm done with relationships, I'm done with marriage, I'm done with commitment, and I'm going to do this on my own terms. And when Tom and I finally came together, as you know, Gus, God, universe and spirit saw fit Tom because of an experience we had back when I was a 14 year old girl waiting for, ironically my sister's wedding to begin. I had an experience where I thought I want a man like that someday. There was something about him. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine actually connecting with Tom at some point in time in the future, like 35 years later. And when I did get connected with him, it was the one and only thing that stopped me dead in my tracks from thinking I had it all figured out and I had to do it on my own terms and that I had to continue to be this independent woman who called all the shots. It was kind of like Gus gave me a do over. Right. It was like, hey, are you sure that you're going in the right direction? That's true. And congruent for who you are and who it is you want to be in the future. Maybe we need to consider a few points. And so the lease option contract for love was actually my right creation actually in a moment of like desperation. And it was actually Tom's genius who said we're going to do that and we put it together and it was a thing that really helped me overcome my commitment fears.

Yeah. And the reason why that's significant is, really does. It's again because Stacy, like on our second or third call, just said just want to know and you may have. I Don't know. I can't remember if we've ever shared this on our show. Probably have. I mean I, I don't want us to ever be together because of some piece of paper. I'm not interested in that. I said no, that's cool. Nor am I. So really this framework is really tried and true and we use it with all our private clients and such. It, it does it, it's. And, and I always say like why wouldn't you want to bring your A game every day? So in our wonderful friend share there on just by the way any of it you can go to our website and leave that kind of a message. So I just wanted a little plug there. We. He didn't say his name or where he's from. You don't need to just share what's on your heart and who knows it may spark and be the inspiration for another episode. But I digress but it's important is look like you said 110% everyone's giving their A game every day. And like, well, if we know at the end of our lives that's where all our regret around then let's reverse engineer it and bring our 100%, 110% every day now.

Well, and I would say, hey, if you want to put your personal growth on steroids, relationships are really good for that. It's going to bring up everything you need to look at and everything you need to accept experience and everything that's keeping you right from becoming who it is you have the capacity to be. So and if you don't feel like you want to do that kind of growth, then maybe relationships aren't necessarily where you want to go.

So how.

Well, and let me just point out, Tom, I know you're gonna, you're gonna move on here in the conversation and I want us to, but I do want to point out that the gentleman that you were talking to at the party was essentially saying, I think I'm good now. I think I'm good here. And there's no right or wrong in that. Right. Because relationships do and will and always continue to ask of us to look at things that maybe are uncomfortable or ask us to go places that we wouldn't typically go or right. Give us what I say more. More of everything.

More.

Yes. Love, connection, possibility and the feelings and experiences of being cherished. But it also asks us to solve more problems. It also extends. Expands our experiences of places, people, things because we're now co creating with another human being.

Yeah. And what saddens Stacy And I, you know, I mean, what's a huge driver of this body of work for us is, you know, and as Stacy had just shared, you know, she thought she was done with this love thing. And let's just be honest. I mean, we're designed, we're wired by whatever, you know, whatever brings us to this experience, if you will, to be connected. It, I think, at the end of the day. And that's why we're so passionate. Took us a long time to figure out really what. What we're looking to teach and mentor is helping people create and experience love for a lifetime. We have no take on if it's one or three or five. Look, it's the only rules that matter, the ones that are between you and your partner or partners. And so. But it saddens us when people. And there's a lot of. If you've been, you know, kicked to the curb a few times, you think I'm. I think I'm done now. Well, I would just. I would. I would encourage you to maybe just leave a. Leave a door of possibility that maybe that wouldn't be the case.

Yeah, just a crack. Just a crack open. So we want to talk with you today, too, about exactly how to cultivate an experience of feeling cherished in your relationships. And I'm feeling like maybe we need to let what we've just shared sink in. And we'll take a break and we'll come right back and we'll have that conversation.

Ready? To learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today, go to stacybartly.com fairydust stacybartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship.

Today.

Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, rekindle your spark, and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection, finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup. Do you feel like your Love life is on life support. It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to staceybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs their clients use to save their relationships. S-T A C I B A R T L E Y.com Visit staceybartley.com Today you found us. Maybe you've been guided to listen alternative talk. 1150.

Hi. Welcome back. Hey. We've been having a conversation around what it might feel like to be cherished, nurtured. Right. And the differences between that and love. And Tom has shared with us an experience that he had. Yes, ladies with a group of guys that are manly men, that they too talk about relationships. And yes, the reality is for every woman who needs a man, there is a man who needs a woman. It is absolutely a human desire. And to feel cherished, to feel loved, to feel appreciated. And so what we wanted to dive into now is exactly how do we cultivate that experience of feeling cherished in our relationships? I mean, like, what creates it and where does it come from? And what you need to know is it's a layering of many things. Remember, if we go back to the Webster dictionary of nurturing, nurturing is not anything that ever stops. It's something that we're continuously putting into. And this continuously putting into includes skills like, don't take emotional pain out on others, your emotional pain out on others. Own your messes, clean up your messes. Like, and we don't talk about these kinds of things. Right. Right here in the love shack. We do, but anywhere else. I mean, where was the last time you heard somebody say, hey, clean up that emotional mess you just created? Come on, let's get after it. And we need to stay out of manipulation. And if you're unfamiliar with manipulation and its simplicity, really, and many of its nuances, it's not complicated. We've actually done a past episode on this called five expert ways to move past your manipulation. And we invite you to go back and. And review it and listen to it and. And so end this layering. Yes, there are many skills that contribute to creating a feeling or an experience of being cherished in your relationships. However, today we want to give you an easy place to begin, right. Experiencing those feelings of being cherished. And quite frankly, babe, you know where we're going, right? Where are we going? Feeling cherished begins with fairy dust.

Fairy dust. I mean, and you'll hear us, you know, talk about this and talk about this and talk about this, because you Know what? Well, I would just let me reverse engineer. That's a popular turn, babe. Can you, can you spread too much fairy dust?

Not in my. I've never, I've never experienced too much fairy dust. I've never experienced the sensation of please tell me that I don't matter and that I'm not appreciated and I don't matter. That's too much. It's way over the top. So let's break down fairy dust. Okay. For you. We talk about fairy dust a lot in our work because it's so fundamental to having the conversations that we need to have and remembering some key components when things are getting tough.

And I would just say just, you know, when you hear that, it hopefully put a smile on your face. So just take that in. And this framework and process should, you know, allow everyone in our sphere to have a similar type of a feeling experience when we, when we authentically share fairy dust.

Well, first of all, we call it fairy dust because you'll remember it. Fairy dust. If we were to, if we were to talk about some psychological babble or I were to tell you about some kind of like a step by step kind of thing, you'd go, oh, yeah, whatever. But Ferritus is like, huh, fairy dust. Oh my goodness, you're. You're going to remember it. And we need. If there was ever a fairy dust for relationships like this would be it. Because at the end of the day, as human beings, we're all craving and seeking three fundamental things. In fact, as I say these, I want you to reflect back about the fights that you've recently had, right? Conversations that have gone sideways and the things that you're really longing for. This is going to put it into context for you. It's a shortcut to realizing what it is you're truly longing for. As we fight about, you know, the laundry and the bills and who's going to cook and who did the dishes and who didn't, who took out the trash and all the logistics of life. What we're really longing for are these three basic things as a human being. And the first one is we all want to feel heard. We all want to feel like our perspective, right? Even the way I see it, or my opinion or feelings on the matter are considered. They're heard. You don't have to agree with it, but man, it sure makes a huge difference if I get that, you get where I'm coming from. Second is we all want to feel appreciated. Let's be honest, relationships, they take a lot of effort. They Take a lot of time, resources and energy. Just like our wonderful friend and share said, giving 110%. It takes a lot of energy and thought and commitment and getting all into our relationships to make that happen. And we keep giving and giving and giving and giving, thinking that's going to take us to the promised land. Right. Or we keep earning and earning and working hard and thinking that's going to take us to the promised land only to discover things are still not as I want them to be. And we all want to feel appreciated and acknowledged for whatever the contribution into our relationship is. We all want to know that it's seen, that it's important, that it counts.

Well, and I would say, you know, you know, the third one is really the kind of the, the, the collective culmination is, you know, does this really matter? You know, do we matter? You know, I mean, so you take.

I matter to you.

Yeah. And do you matter to me?

Yeah.

I mean that there would be, you know, so are we getting anywhere, you know, acknowledgement be heard and then does this, do we matter? You know, I mean, it really. All the hundreds and hundreds of people, singles and couples we work with, I would say that's the distillation of really the foundational challenges for everybody.

I totally agree. And so knowing that gives us a huge leg up and.

Right.

Leg up is we can use it to step into difficult conversations and we can also use it to close out difficult conversations or to express and share how it is. I really.

And you can spread it freely on the front side before you even do that. And then I think you're going to really nourish that, that cherished. You know, you can, you can share and sprinkle fairy dust all the time. It doesn't just have to be when you're ready to step into. And to me, that's where really the sweet stuff is like, be proactive and be preemptive and think about what is it that my partner. I'll give you one quick example. Just come to me. So Stacy, you know, my other. In my other life, and I still do, you know, I've been a real estate appraiser for many years, so there's lots of kind of things that I need to bring out to the car at once. And so Stacy, many times will say, can, may I help you? Can I help you out to the car? You know, I've got my water bottles and my iPad and my files and it's a lot of stuff. I think, oh my gosh. So just that simple? Yes. That would be lovely. Thank you so much. You know, so help me out to the car, you know, together. And then we can, you know, hug and let us know we love each other, then that we matter. And then off I go. And Stacy. So that's one quick example.

And my can. My condition of helping you is not based on whether we had sex or whether we're fighting or not. Right. Whether things are going well or not, or we're going through a tough time or not, but it's. It's consistently given. And so we can sprinkle fairy dust also for no reason whatsoever. Like, I mean, you can just sprinkle it. If you're in the middle of a fight, you can sprinkle it. You can sprinkle it for no reason at all. Just because you're feeling it in the moment, you sprinkle it. You can sprinkle it. Before we have a difficult conversation, we can sprinkle it. If conversation didn't go well, we can sprinkle it. And so that's why I say, if there was ever a fairy dust for relationships, this would be it. And what it sounds like is, hey, I want to hear what you're having to say. Could you say that again? Or I'm not quite understanding where you're coming from. Could you say that? Say that again? I want you to understand that those invitations are important because you're communicating to the other person that I want to hear what you have to say. Right. I didn't quite get that. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Could you say it again? Those are all places where you think, ah, you want to hear what I have to say. That's incredible. And anytime you can throw out appreciation and acknowledgement, hey, I know you're working hard to provide for our family and, and you're really putting in the time and effort. I just so appreciate that. Thank you so much. It means so much to me. I see you. Or, hey, I want to acknowledge you for just taking the time to be here with me, or for making our date night important, or for making sure the bills get paid on time. Thank you so much. Or, hey, I'm. I'm home from a long days at work and you've cleaned the house and you're, you know, you've taken care of the kids. Thank you so much that, that's such a great contribution to me, knowing that you've got things handled here at home. Those are all the little, teeny, tiny, simple things that if you want to feel cherished, you make a point of pointing out, you know, it's. It's really, babe, just to give you a little credit, if I clean the house, Tom will say thank you. Thank you for cleaning the house. That means so much to me. And he's probably said that to me in the 10 decade years that we've been together, more than I can count. And if I. If he's working his fanny off and he's dedicated to providing and doing the things that he does for our family to support us and our kids, our eight kids and 12 grandkids, I'm. I'm. I'm mindful to say thank you so much. That means so much, and I know that I see what you're doing, and so many of us long for that experience of being so seen for what it is. We're working hard to contribute. And even though I hope it matters, we have a really difficult time advocating for ourselves and saying, hey, would you notice the fact that I cleaned the house or that I'm taking care of the kids, or that I'm making dinner, or that I'm making the money, or that you're driving that fancy car, or you get to go down and get your nails done and you have that wonderful handbag, right?

I mean, or the lovely meal is always ready for you when you walk in the door.

This simple things, as we say again and again, acknowledge those. And hey, if you're not in a relationship right now, notice them in the people that you hold dear. Because we are all longing to feel seen. We are all longing to feel valued and acknowledge and appreciation. We can't get enough.

Well, I would just really ask you a very, very honest question is how often do you go through your typical day and you're at the receiving end of what exactly we're sharing here, probably very infrequently. It just doesn't happen. That's why it feels so wonderful, because it doesn't happen very often.

Wow. And that brings us to a place of, can we actually feel cherished when we're going through a difficult time? Babe?

Yes.

In fact, being cherished, this is where it starts to really pay off. Right. I want to point out that it is possible to create a feeling of cherished, even though we're going through some rocky times and there are going to be rocky times, it's absolutely inevitable. That's part of life, right? Life gives us challenges so that we have something to press upon in order to become overcome and be an expression of what it is. We have the capacity to be But I want to tell you this about a tough time. A tough time wouldn't exist if you didn't care. If you didn't care about how it went, if you didn't care about the person that you were experiencing a tough time with. And it's important for us to remember to express the fact that you care. Which brings us back to fairy dust. Right? If I can remember that I care, that's why I'm so. Right. Frustrated, irritated, disappointed, brokenhearted. Right. Hurt. It's because I'm. I'm thinking that maybe you don't care, then it makes this a little easier. And if I don't feel like you care about me, rather than pull away and say, well, I'm not going to show up for you, I want you to say, but I care about you. And if I care about you, I want to show up and I want to do my best in this relationship. I want to give my 110. So can you do that? Can you meet me? That changes the trajectory of where we typically go in our relationships, where I pull away and then you pull away and then we lose the connection and. And then nobody knows how really anybody feels, and we go, well, I guess that's it. The end of the day. It's the end of the line here. You know, it's time for you to get the heck out.

And the opposite of fairy dust is usually what happens is silent treatment. And it can be hours and we even hear of days and weeks. So it's the exact opposite of what we're encouraging you to try on.

So what if you were to, for a moment, sprinkle a little fairy dust? I care about you. I care about our relationship. This is. Is really important to me. I value it. And please, let's sit down and talk about this.

So if, hopefully you're like, okay, well, how would I do that? So, babe, where. Where can people. If this is resonating with you, and we sure hope it is, where can people learn how? Like, how do I spread this darn fairy dust?

Oh, well, there's. You can just go to our homepage at our website, Stacy bartley.com and you can watch 30 minute video that will make you a fairy dust expert sprinkler too. All right, and. And all you got to do is invest 30 minutes and it's going to walk you through the step by step and all the nuances of it. It's going to give you some incredible frameworks and communication skills that you need to use in order to sprinkle Some. And we also, with our clients, we teach a thing called a communication sandwich. And I paint that visual for you because I want you to understand that the communication sandwich is a sandwich and the bread is fairy dust. The top and the bottom, right. We begin and we end with fairy dust. Because, let's be honest, sometimes when we attempt to work things out or gain understanding or solve the challenges that show up in our relationships, it doesn't go so well. Like, we're kind of left wanting or disappointed, really, because we are not really taught how to have conversations like that. Right. I mean, we're not quite sure, sure what's going to happen. And when that happens, even if we don't make any progress, even if we are left feeling wanting, what's going to ensure that you continue to come back and have a conversation again is that you say, hey, that appreciation and acknowledgement goes a long way. Thank you so much for showing up and having this conversation with me, or at least trying for. For us to find together a collective solution to the challenges that we're facing that's going to ensure and plant the seeds and the wanting on your partner's side to come back and take another try at solving these problems.

Yeah. Now, I would. I would say, you know, I mean, you know, look, it. It's easy to, you know, when things are going well. I mean, let's just be honest that things are, you know, that's easy. But really, to what I'm privileged, you know, and. And grateful to experiences. You know, Stacy and I, we have a lot of moving parts in our life. Look, everything that we share about and teach and mentors is we're right there with you. So my point there is we've navigated a lot and we continue and we all will. So the point there is, look, the moments when things, Your choppy waters, guess what? That's when you're going to really test how cherished you are and how cherished you're able to show and demonstrate to your partner and your loved ones and your family, your children. That's when the rubber meets the road. Because we think as soon as there's a problem arises, there's something wrong. No, you're just experiencing the human condition called love and relationship. So that's why we always go back to that. Look, it's easy, you know, the test is, is when things become a little bumpy. And guess what? Hate to be the bearer of bad news, it's going to be bumpy for all of us, you know, and so this is when you can just, you know, study some of our other frameworks, but take that pause, understand what fairy dust means. And they're just simple little phrases and simple pauses that can make the trajectory 100% different.

Well, I'm glad that you brought a pause, babe, because, you know, I really want to encourage our listeners and I'm going to summarize this for you. So don't worry that pausing instead of a fight is so much better than a fight, because a fight is going to take us to the places that we don't want to visit in our relationships. I mean, let's just be honest. Does a fight ever take you to an aha moment? Does it ever take you to a place of inspiration, of wanting to do better in your relationships and wanting to give that 110% to show up more, to feel like you want to even help somebody else feel cherished? It usually takes us to a place where everybody is taking their metaphoric marbles and going home. Oh, so you're going to say that I'm out. You're going to say that I'm done. Oh, that's it. You're cut off. We're done. Now get out. And. And instead. Right. Those places always take us to a sense of betrayal, of pulling back, of pulling out, of shutting down. And the more we shut down, the less our feeling of connection is going to be present in. Not only that, the connection that we once had begins to atrophy.

That's.

That's what happens. And so to begin with feelings of being cherished, I encourage you to pause instead of a fight and to learn and practice fairy dust, which is reminding the people that you love and care about the most that they are wanting you're. That you're wanting to hear where they're coming from or that you want to feel heard for where you're coming from, that you want to know that they are appreciated or that you want to feel appreciated. It can go either way.

And the small, simple things acknowledge those your. Your loved one. For that, I mean, I just cannot overemphasize. And we think, oh, they, you know, he or she knows. No, they don't.

And even.

How would they know?

And even if they do know, babe, they want to hear it.

Yes. I mean, look, you know, I mean it. You. I ca. We cannot overemphasize this.

It seems silly, but I know not silly at all.

Well, I would say I would encourage you try it on and see. You can always go back to what's not happening.

Well, and it's. That Nurturing aspect of. To feeling cherished. Right. Somebody takes the trash out, say thank you.

Yeah.

Somebody makes you a beautiful meal. Or does the dishes say thank you. If somebody helps you out to the car, say thank you. If. If somebody is willing to contribute to you. If. Go to the grocery store, run an errand, say thank you. It goes so far. It's. It's unbelievable the impact that that has in regards to. Especially when you start stacking it together with the pause of pausing instead of fighting. That is the great place to begin. And as simple as a pause sounds instead of a fight, it actually takes a little bit of emotional weightlifting is what we call it over here in our body of work. It's going to take some strength to stop it in its tracks because emotion starts to take us places we don't want to go. And if we just ride with that, well, then we've got some challenges ahead of us. So those are the two key pieces in order to start crossing. Creating cherished. The feeling of experiencing cherished in your relationship today that we have for you. Pause instead of a fight and learn about fairy dust. And if you want more information on that, you can absolutely go to our website and there's a whole 30 minute tutorial on it.

Well, heck, honey, fastest 60 minutes in our week right here, ladies and gentlemen.

Say that every week.

So as we start to land this, some takeaways for you are what, Mrs. Bartley?

Yeah, the takeaways are just what I said, you know, pause instead of fight. If you can practice, catch it. And it's going to be a practice, you're going to mess it up, but just practice stopping and pausing and then coming back to saying, hey, before we go here and have this conversation, I just want you to know that you matter to me and I want to hear what you have to say. And I'm really fired up right now. And I'm going to do my best to hear you, too. And you matter to me. This relationship matters, so that's important for us to remember. So listen, I want to thank you for being here and listening in. We so value and appreciate our listeners. And for all of those who are sharing the show with other people, we call it spreading the love. Right? Because together we absolutely can support more humans in creating love for a lifetime. So thank you so much for sharing the show. You can find this recording of the show along with our past episodes wherever you listen to podcasts, right? We're trying to be everywhere. For your convenience, you can also find us at our social media outlets. Any of them. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. And we also have a private Facebook group that we're going to invite you to come and join. There's a growing community there. And the name of that group is ironically, who Planned this? How to Create Love for a Lifetime. We also want to invite you to come on back next week as we continue the conversation on how we can create experiences creating that wonderful thing of love for a lifetime. And we are streaming live now, so if you want to catch us live, there's lots of places you can do that on Facebook and YouTube special shout.

Out to our awesome engineer, Eric Ryder over our incredible station, 1150 KKNW AM. Without all of them and their incredible mastery, we would not be here. So thank you.

Yeah, so we also want to just say, hey, each week we have a theme song. You can check that out today. It's Kem. We love him.

K. Can you feel it?

Right? We need to feel loved and cherished, especially in all the madness that we're experiencing right now. It's time for us to just take a pause, stop the task and feel your heartbeat for a minute. You're going to be able to feel it. I know you can. So I invite you to go to our website. You can look at the show notes and check out that playlist we have created for you on Spotify. Can you feel it? Oh, yes.

We'll go out there and cherish the people that you love and let them know that you cherish them. And we look forward to seeing you next week.

Absolutely. Bye bye for now.