#28: Do you wish you could save your relationship from your couch? (You can.)

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. A little a place where we get to get together and explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover mysteries that nobody talks about. But absolutely, absolutely influences our relationships. If you're struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship or are single and looking to do better next time, this is the show for you. My name is Stacy Bartley and I am here with my co host and lover Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping singles and couples to create an experience love for for a lifetime. We think everybody deserves that.

A quick shout out to our listeners, really. Bottom line is wherever you're taking some of your most precious resource your time to listen to us. Thank you number one and let you know that we're, we're trying to meet you wherever you are and what's most convenient for you. So we are streaming with our awesome partner station up in Seattle. We're in California. Thank goodness for technology. KKNW 11:50am we got Eric Rider on our board. He's our engineer, producer extraordinaire. We're also doing our best to stream at the Same time to YouTube and Facebook. Bottom line is again, wherever you are, thank you so much for taking a few moments of your time. And we are going to do every week our best to make it valuable for you.

Yeah, absolutely. So today we're going to jump into a conversation that you might scratch your head about. And that conversation is the question, is it time to save your relationship from your couch? And what do we mean by that? We want to jump into that. We going to explore when it comes to our relationship challenges, why is it that we wait. Why do we sit on the couch and like hang out there and hope cross our fingers.

Good old cross your fingers and hope it all works out.

And also we have several surprises for you today. If you are a regular listener of the show, you're going to notice that we've switched things up a bit. You know, Tom, we had to bring in some fun. Right. We noticed that even for us, right. We get so involved in supporting people and singles and couples from around the world in regards to managing and challenging or shall I say managing and handling the challenges that come as a byproduct of their relationship journey, which is normal that we weren't including any fun ourselves. And we're going to highlight this today by saying it's so slippery for all of us. Right. We can make up this idea that until our problems are all solved, we can't have any fun. Well, we're not having that BS anymore in the love shack, so we've switched the show up a little bit to bring back in some more of the fun as well as those important topics that we need to talk.

Yeah, I would say so wherever you are in this wonderful relationship journey, if you're in one and even if you're not and want to get back in one. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I mean, it's we're in one. We're always in one. If you're a human being. At the end of the day, we're all in the relationship business.

So even if it's the relationship with.

Yourself, so we're always going to do something will be of value to wherever you choose to spend a little time.

Okay? So we're going to come back with some fun and how you too can save your relationship from the couch. We'll be right back.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to stacybartley.com fairydust staceybartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks. Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

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Working hard to put a smile on your face. Alternative Talk 1150.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

I know. Welcome. We are Tom and Stacy Bartley. We're your hosts of Love Shack Live. Thanks. If you're just joining us, we are talking about how to save your relationship or work on our. I would say how about to improve or address your relationship from the comfort of your couch? Like, I know you probably say, like, those folks have really lost it. But anyway, hang with us.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. We're going to start with our first switch up here, our first little surprise. Because relationships, when you think about it, I mean, just. Just take this journey with us for a minute. Have you ever gotten together with somebody, whether you're meeting them for the first time or people that you enjoy being together with or. Right. You're. You're scheduling that time or creating that moment where you're even going to sit down and have that conversation. Have you ever noticed that it's all around, like, food and bever. My sister pointed this out to me many years ago when she became sick with colon cancer. And she says, you know, stay. Since my surgery, I can't go anywhere and not have to be right, making the difficult decisions about what I can have and what I can't. And I went. That's a really great point. When we gather for holidays, celebrations, when we, you know, date, we're going to meet for coffee, we're going to just meet for a drink, right? It's all around food and beverage. And so we want to encourage you right now if it's possible for you to grab your favorite beverage, because we're inside the Love Shack right now. We want you to come and meet us here as well as Tom and I thought it would be really fun, too. We have some people that want to promote us and sponsor our show, and we're giving them a place to do that. And we get to talk about wine and food and we can highlight it here very appropriately. And Tom and I just happen to really like wine. And I think, babe, when we went to Italy, it really kind of took on.

Yeah, it's all Italy. Italy's fault. All Italy's fault. That's convenient.

It is very much.

But for real, life changing, right before the pandemic hit, we, we left the country absolutely fat. Maybe we'll do an episode about that trip.

Yeah, we should. We totally should.

But, yeah, what we're drinking right now is literally all Italy's fault.

It is really all Italy's fault. Since we've come back, we have fallen in love with champagne. Every afternoon at 2pm Most parts, especially in the outskirts of Italy, they have what they call an apertivio. And that's where at 2 o', clock, all shops close. I remember Tom and I calculating the economic loss for going home and being able to spend time with your families. And they're willing to do that. And. And it's no problem. They go home, they have a bottle of wine, typically champagne, Prosecco, and then they have a little snack, and then they reconvene back at work from.

Maybe take a nap.

Six or eight.

Yeah. Is it with their family? Yeah. And then. And like it for real, ladies and gentlemen? Like, it's not. It's just no one seems to be too concerned. In fact, they're not concerned.

They're not concerned at all.

What they're more concerned about is. Is. And the place is shut up tight. Now, there are a few, and especially in your larger cities, Venice, Rome, but when you get into the outskirts, it's pretty much those towns are.

They're.

They're. They're experiencing the siesta. Yeah, this is the Italian version of a siesta.

Yeah, absolutely. And so today we are drinking champagne.

So this. This segment is called what you drinking?

Yeah. And we're drinking champagne. And you're gonna laugh, but it is so good. I have had some really good champagne, like, very expensive champagne. And we found the champagne at Costco, of all places. It's the Kirkland brand, no affiliate.

I'm just saying. We're just saying Costco. Yeah.

$6.99 a bottle. It is amazing. And we're drinking it right now. Right. And at the end of the show, we'll go back and tell you if we want more of it. Like, it's like, let's try the $6.99.

We'll do what we call. It's a part of our frameworks, actually. It's either a do want or a don't want to. And we're not allowed to say, but I can probably, if I had the hint. Okay, sorry.

All right, so now we want to help you follow the fun. And following the fun is the part that we talked about in the beginning that we really want to incorporate in the show, because if there isn't some fun in our lives, then we probably don't want to really get engaged. And if there isn't fun, we also tend to run out of emotional gas. And as I mentioned earlier, in our relationships, we tend to put fun on the shelf until we fix all the Problems or the challenges that we're facing, and then we don't have fun at all because there's always going to be problems and challenges to face.

Well, and I would just add that. Think about it. Whenever you came together, whether that was a person from before or now, think about it. Everything. When you come together with a special someone, it's all about fun. It's all about the first. It's.

But also, we can make it great. What am I going to do?

Yeah, I mean, the first, you know, meal, coffee, drink, special place. But it's interesting. Like all that gets thrown out the window, then only we can do that. And really, really, really separate special occasions. Like how the heck did we get there?

Exactly. Well, and. And cook for you. I mean, babe, you haven't cooked for me in a while.

No, I've got a few other things.

Responsibilities, Mrs. Bartley.

So life is way more fun. Here's our Follow the Fun tip this week.

Follow the fun.

Life is way more fun when we're laughing. Let's be honest, right? And being in relationships with others is rarely, very rarely, easy peasy. I mean, after all, just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're going to understand their actions and where they're coming from. In fact, you're probably not going to understand where they're coming from. And we have a whole framework around that called the movie framework. But, you know, suffice it to say, you're going to write, get confused, and scratch your head a lot because your perspective is just that. And they're going to have a completely different perspective nine times out of ten.

Let me ask you a quick question. So would you say, most of the clients that come to us, would you say, you know, whether that be a single and. Or a couple, that a lot of the fun has left their relationship?

Oh, 100%. I mean, if we're not careful, the fun can leave our relationship. I mean, it has to be a very intentional part of what it is we do. And most of us don't even think that it's that important, let alone intentionally plan some fun things that we can look forward to or we can take the pressure off. And so I wanted to give us a moment like that just today. And as we go forward, we'll do that every time we come together, because having a sense of humor can definitely make things easier. Let's be honest. Sharing a laugh can get us through most things. And so I thought I would share a joke today.

Oh, right.

I know, right?

Eric, do you have a Drum roll. By chance.

Here it is.

Hang on, hang on. Eric may have a drum roll. You know, sorry to put you on a spot. Oh, I know. But Eric, she's good with it. It.

Wow.

Yes, I do have a drum roll, but I need like 10 seconds to find it real quick.

Sorry. No. So, no, we'll take 10 seconds. We'll actually, we'll have.

We'll have a drink of just do.

I love Eric.

He.

We put him on the spot. He is unbelievable.

There we go. Are you ready?

We're ready. How awesome is that?

Fantastic. So here's the joke. Okay, you know what? I decided that I'd had enough and I gave my husband the silent treatment. Like, it's silent for a week and a half.

Oh, 10 days.

Yeah, I know that's a long.

We couldn't go 10 minutes, but go ahead.

I know we like to talk.

Yeah.

You know what he said after the 10 days?

So go ahead and go. That was kind of a poor setup. Okay, start again.

Let me start again.

Okay, go ahead, honey.

Yes, I once gave my husband the silent treatment for 10 days a prior husband. Just pretend.

Okay?

Work with me here.

All right.

Yes, I once gave you the silent treatment for 10 days. Let's personalize it. And you know what you said to me after the 10 days were over and we started to talk again?

I don't seem to remember.

Geez, we were getting along so well.

Now, see, that wasn't even scripted in Eric Ryder. He says, like, he's all over that. Nice work. Come on now.

So we're gonna do something this coming week. I want to encourage you to do something this coming week that makes you laugh. Like, just take the pressure off. Just let go. Just forget about all the problems. Put them on the shelf. Right? A couple of suggestions we have is maybe, you know, Gabriel Iglesias. His. His stage name is Fluffy. He's hilarious. And he's clean.

You can bring your family if you haven't caught him. I mean, he is precious.

And he is amazing at, like, doing.

The, like, impersonations and, man, just. Yeah, he is just. He is very funny.

And Ron White, if you want to get a little raunchy, he's pretty good too.

For a couple that may not be kid friendly, but this adult friendly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. And you can hang upside down and you can share a joke, just like we did with you. But find a way to take some pressure off this week. Please. Gift yourself that.

And I. I just cannot overemphasize. You know, I always call Stacy you know, is our fun coach, because, you know, I can be a little cross and crabby, in all fairness, kind of intense, and Stacy is just this wonderful bomb. And, and, and what? I think most of us that are kind of on the cross and crabby side, we think that these types of things take a lot. They don't. They don't take a lot.

I just. And, you know, we can also think that they're kind of stupid and silly, and I don't really want to do that right now. You know, you don't understand my stress, and you don't understand what I'm going through. And so we just can't keep putting it off and putting it off. But when we can finally enroll ourselves in letting go and just enjoying it, we love it, right? It reminds me, babe, when I used to say, come on, babe, it's time to go dancing. And it was like pulling you out of the living room, and it was like a cat with claws on the carpet, like.

Or fingernails on the chalkboard.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd get him in the car and he'd like, okay, fine. Yeah, you're right. I know this is something that's important to you. We're gonna do it. Fine, fine, fine. We go all the way down to this incredible place, right? And this was obviously pre covered. I can't wait until the clubs open up again so that we can dance again, right?

Boogie down, baby.

I know.

And I'm gonna get some new body parts, too.

I know. And we would dance and we'd have a great time. We'd get all hot and sweaty, and he would be the one that wouldn't want to get off the dance floor. And I kid you not, with precision, I could predict us getting in car, turning on some tunes, and him driving home and going, go. You know, babe, that was so fun. Like, why don't we do that more often? And I think, you know what I had to do to get you out the door. And I was willing to do it because I knew the payoff and I knew the conversation that was coming.

So for those of us, really, that are on my side, and I think there's a lot of us, so, you know, it's. I just can't overemphasize. You know, it's. God, sometimes the resistance we. We put up, like, man, what is that about? Anyway, great, you know, great thing.

So we want to invite you right now in this moment to get on our fun list.

What was that? Fun. There is such a thing.

Yes.

F U N A Fun list.

Really trying to help you create more fun.

You guys have really lost your.

I know, but have you noticed that when we talk about our relationships, we tend to only discuss the problems, never the good stuff, let alone the fun stuff.

All the time.

Talking about all the time. So, okay, not anymore. We are done with that here in the love shack. So the reality is we can and must practice putting our problems on the shelf so that we can have a little fun. And it needs to be scheduled and it needs to be something that takes priority, because if not, we risk running out of emotional gas, which. That's the tragedy that destroys most relationships. So to help us all embrace and bring back the important and necessary experience of fun into our lives, Tom and I together and our team have created what we call the fun list. So you might be asking, what is it? Oh, well, you know, it's fun. And how is it fun? Well, if you're on the fun list, you're going to be inspired with fun ideas like we just gave you. We're going to have one every week when you come here to the love Show.

Maybe different than more than just the joke.

Of course. Every day. Every week we're going to. Not every day. Could you imagine us doing this every day? No, we're going to do it every day. But every week, we're going to give you something fun to explore and to consider. We're also going to give you cool stuff to create some fun in your life. And best of all, beginning next month, you're entered to win monthly giveaways. Yes. Yes, you heard me right. It's nothing but pure fun, fun, fun. So you get to get on the list, and then we're gonna select the first Thursday, the first show of every single month. We are going to give away free.

So let me. Because I'm. What's my nickname?

Radar.

So I'm doing some quick calculation. If you get on the fun list now, you may have some pretty high odds of winning because there's not a lot of people on the fund. Am I calculating?

Yeah, that. That's a really great point.

So we're talking two weeks from today will be our first giveaway.

Yeah. And to get on the fun list, all you need to do is go to stacybartly.com forward/fun, and get on there so that you, too can win some prizes. Come next Thursday, actually, right? No, no, no. There's one more show.

Two weeks. We have a very special, very exciting guest for next week. Are we going to share that at the end? Yes, at the end. Okay.

Okay, perfect. Well, so drum roll, please, again, Eric. We have lots of those today because we have so many. Time for Tom's tantalizing tip.

Oh, man.

I know Tom. No, don't you love that I came up with that. Tom's tantalizing tip.

Tom's tantalizing tip. So, yeah, what we're. What we're going to do. This part of the show is going to be all about, you know, calling out other, you know, Facebook groups and LinkedIn groups and local groups that are doing good work around this, you know, relationship during that might make may look like, excuse me, I got tongue tied. You know, like maybe parenting groups or people groups that just had babies in their relationship or maybe groups that acknowledge.

Taking care of elderly parents.

Yeah, elderly parents, you know, or maybe groups, you know, that are help you support individuals that have just gone through a difficult breakthrough. Look, we. We don't have the lock on this. And so to demonstrate this. This spirit of collaboration, we're going to be asking, you know, we're going to be searching out in groups that we. And we're going to give them some airtime and point to them. But for today.

Well, honey, and I want you to give yourself a little credit, too. I mean, not only are we going to include others in this collaboration process, but, you know, Tom has a lot to say. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I tend to kind of like, say a lot. Like, I don't have any problem like, teaching and talking about relationships. It's what I do every minute of every day. And yet I think a lot of times you have a lot to say, too. And I want to give you that space. I mean, we want to hear from you as well. So tantalizing tips might be just from you, too.

Well, thank you. I appreciate it. No, and. And I do.

I.

So actually, I'm an early riser, Stacy. What do you call me? A squirrel? I'm a really early. And this morning I was really excited that, like, okay, like, you know, I got a lot of pressure here because, you know, my Stacy's like the. The sage from the stage. And. And so. Okay, so. No, in all kidding. So here it. Here's Tom Tant. Tom's tantalizing tip. Say that fast three times. Is. And this is probably our favorite person in the love space is Leo Biscalia, if you're old enough to remember. Unbelievable. You can Google him and it's. You spell his last name. Bus Caglia. But anyway, wonderful. He was a professor at USC, but they called him the love doctor, PhD, wonderful, wonderful man. And there's many, many quotes, but the one that really jumped out at me at like 3:30 in the morning was if you miss love, you miss life.

So, so explain that to me. Like I might go, yeah, whatever. I mean, love has broken my heart. Yeah. Love's been a pain in my rear. Love's cost me a lot of money. It's, it's right, it's, it's not really done a whole lot for me. So. Why do you say that?

Well, I would say because we have to understand all of Stacy and I when we work with our private clients and our student, you know, whether that's individual or small group is we number one, that myth that if we have a bump in the road with your significant other, your husband, your partner, what, however we want to name it, like something is wrong and you know it's not going to work out and like that is the farthest thing from the truth that we want you to know. That's simply part of the human experience and the love relationship experience. So if you miss love, you miss life. Meaning you have. This is a long, long and let me say one more time, long play I can only share with you not from a place of being braggadocious, but only if I would have known 10 years back what Stacy and I have navigated 10 years now since we've been together. I'm not sure if I would have opted in. I mean, so it's a long play and that's just part of the journey. But at the end of the day, if you read any end of life regret books, stories and such, most of them have some similar story around the regret of the time they didn't take for the relationships that mattered most.

So one, I also want to point out something else here, Tom, if I may. You know, I, the reason why Tom is saying that is because I am a large package and it was a, a huge challenge for me when I was in the dating arena where number one, I was an independent woman and I didn't feel like I needed a man. And number two, I am a large package because I have six kids like and six kids to the.

Well, there's and package. What's as well as six and 12 grandkids. Thank you. So that's 18 if you're doing the quick math.

I have, I have a lot of people that I love and a lot of people that are a part of my life. And so I just want you to know if by chance you're out there in the dating world, and you're thinking, oh, I got three kids. Oh, I got two kids. Oh, I got four kids. Whatever. It doesn't matter, you know, if I can find love, so can you. And yes, there has to be some foundation that's laid in the beginning. And if you don't have some really great skills, it's going to be a rough ride.

So back to Tom's.

Trying to make here. Is that it's okay to talk about saying, gosh, babe, you know, I don't know if in the beginning I knew everything that we were going to navigate, I would opt in. That's okay. Yeah. Why? Because I know you're here. I know we're solid. I know that we get to talk about that. There's space and permission to talk about that, and we're going to get into that when we talk about the heart of the matter. But we don't need to feel threatened by that because I know that that's okay. I know that Tom still loves me. He's still in. Even though he says those things, I don't take it personally because our, Our relationship is so much more vibrant and so. And foundational than that. We can have those kinds of conversations, and it's part of what makes it great. Yeah. And that's a skill thing. Right? That's a, that's an emotional strength thing that I just.

Well, it is. And, and, and so many people that we're blessed and grateful to, to serve only reach out to us when things are going bad. So the whole so much of. Of why we've chosen to revise and, and what we hope and. And affirm is going to be a more, you know, show that includes everyone is, is we tend to not think about, to act on our relationships other than when things are pretty much like the fire, the house is burning down.

Well. And if I don't have any foundation, a statement like that might really rattle me.

Yeah.

Right. If you were to say, gosh, babe, I don't know if that I'd really opt in if I knew everything that we were going to have to navigate that might be going, oh, my gosh, you don't love me.

I don't.

I. And, and it doesn't. Because I know that the weave, we've got a foundation underneath us, and I feel it.

Well, you know, because of what we've chosen to go through and keep communicating and drink our own coffee, is. What I like to say is, is we're, you know, 10x easily or 100x stronger than we were 10 years ago. But most importantly, if you miss love, you miss life, Meaning everything that we're doing is to impress upon you, in part to, like, take action now. Meaning just take some intentionality and attention to this. The small things, even when things are going well, it's just like a. An athlete or someone that's really into health and fitness or their professional career. We've always been. This is what Stacy and I were up against. From a marketing perspective. We're like, it's good. I mean, believe me, we're very skilled and happy to help you when things are not going so well. But, you know, if you're old enough to remember the Arnold Palmer Pennzoil commercials, I know I say this a lot, you know, remember again, I'm dating myself. But he says, you know, you used to have this. You can pay me now, you know, or pay me later. I mean, pay me now and buy the oil and change your oil in your motor, or your motor is going to blow up and you need to replace the motor. Well, I'm not going to breach privacy, but we're working with some clients that have waited too long, and they're really. There's some complexity that you can't imagine. So mastery. The way to mastery is through simplicity, not complexity. So take some small moments, grab that beverage, acknowledge that loved one. Acknowledge your children. You know, take a few moments, look someone in the eye. These are not complicated. So, again, if you miss love, you really do miss life.

And I would say that love is synonymous with sharing yourself and expressing yourself and allowing the other person to do the same. That makes us feel so amazing when we think that I have the permission to do that and you have the permission to do that, there's a special sweetness that comes as a result of that. So we're going to take a break, and when we come back. Right now, right now, when we come back, actually, we're going to jump into the heart of the matter, which is the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. So why is it we spend so much time on the couch? Meaning why do we wait to, like, jump into them, have this conversation, address the issues that are there? So we're going to go ahead and take that break, and we'll be right back.

Grab your favorite beverage in return.

Yeah.

Do you feel like your love life is on life support? It's time for a turbocharged relationship resuscitation with an alternative to marriage counseling. Head over to stacybartley.com to learn more about their proprietary programs, their clients use to save their relationships. S-T A C I B A R T L E Y.com Visit staceybartley.com today.

Hi, this is Marilyn Milano. If you love animals, then please check out my new show, Love Has Many faces, Tuesdays from 9 to 9:30am right here on Alternative Talk 1150. I'll be talking with rescue groups, animal advocates and other organizations that help animals sharing their stories and giving our listeners some tangible ways in which they can help make a difference. That's Love Has Many faces, Tuesdays at 9am right here on Alternative Talk 1150, raising awareness, touching hearts and saving animals lives.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup. Real people, real life, real radio, alternative talk 1150.

Welcome back to Love Shack Live. We are your hosts, Tom and Stacey Bartley. And if you're just joining us now, we are going to what we like to call the heart of the matter, kind of the meat of the episode, if you will, the meat of the show. So what do we have, Mrs. Bartley?

Well, so we've been talking about since the beginning this idea of we got to rescue ourselves from our couch. And what we mean by that is, you know, when it comes to relationship especially, we wait and wait and wait and wait and cross our fingers and just hope that the challenges or that the internal conflict that I'm feeling is going to pass. Kind of like a bad case of gas, right? And then once it passes, we don't have to address what it is that's bothering me, what it is that's keeping me up at night, what it is that's not working or where it is. I feel the rub is, and when we work with couples especially, right, we find that this is the place where we put it off. We put it off. We put it off. And then they'll finally raise their hand. And I've done this, too, so I'm not pointing fingers, but we finally raise our hands and we say, I can't take this anymore. I've got to get some Help. I've got to do something about this. And at this point in time, we've got, you know, 5 years, 20 years, 40 years behind us of all of this history, where all of us have been left to make up our stories about this relationship journey and what's possible and what isn't. And I want you to understand, this is the people that we're expecting to be there for us, right, in the time of challenge, of crisis, of health. I mean, any kind of a challenge, really. And yet it's the place that we don't give enough time and attention to. I mean, like, for example, if I had a problem with a broken cell phone or it didn't work, or my technology wasn' working, right. I would address it in a.

In a.

In a.

In a nanosecond.

In a nanosecond. If I had an injury and I needed some physical medical attention. Right. I mean, after kind of spending some time thinking about how to address it, if it was serious and if it really needed some attention, I would address it. Right. I mean, maybe you just went to the doctor.

Well, I was just gonna say, I mean, that. That's really, really relevant, ladies and gentlemen, because I'm. I've waited way too long, and I'm actually, from tomorrow, we're at four weeks, and. And I will be happily getting it. My knee replaced. So, yeah, I mean, it. I've gone like, the doctors look at me like, what happened to you? Did you get run over by a truck? And that's what I feel like I'm.

Gonna say, babe, now, come on, be honest. Do you sleepwalk? Because you know what? You must wander out the front door and, like, get hit by a bus and then track yourself.

Yeah. So, I mean, it's the same thing that happens in our body that will happen into our emotional relationship selves. If we don't choose to do anything again, we oftentimes think, well, because it's not being brought up, it's gone away. No, it has not.

Yeah. It's so common for us to think that if we only have a few small problems, we can put off addressing or talking about them until they just go away. But the reality is, if we feel the problems brewing, everyone in our relationship is feeling it. It's. It's not that it's a secret. We think it's a secret because. Right. I am, like, feeling something, but I don't want to share it with you. However, the reality as a human being is I show up in my relationships and in my life as good as I feel. So if I'm not feeling so great in my relationship, well, then I show up like it. I. If I believe that you don't care about me, then I'm probably not going to invest a lot of time or continued time in regards to preparing meals or telling you thank you or letting you know that I love and appreciate you. I'm going to wait for you to give me the signal back that you've care and then maybe I'll show up again. Which, by the way, it doesn't have anything to do with you like making dinner for me, right?

No, I. I show my appreciation for you in other ways.

That's true. Absolutely do. So it's funny, we. We become attached to these places where we want the demonstration of X, Y and Z, like Tom making dinner for me or, you know, him, you know, touching me or, or him saying certain words. And then we benchmark everything else that we're going to do after that, if that happens. And I want you to know that that's a very precarious place to navigate your relationships from because the reality is they don't know what you're hoping they'll do for you.

Well, and I would say not only precarious, it's. It's very rigid and it doesn't, it doesn't follow the, the intensity and pace and speed of life.

Right.

So, I mean.

Well, not to mention we have a framework in our body of work called the movie framework, which we have to understand and realize that your perspective, you know, your take on things, what you're experiencing internally is a composite of your past, present and future experiences completely narrated into some kind of a succession that makes sense to you and it just makes sense to you. It doesn't make sense to your partner. It won't make sense to your partner because they have their own narrative playing out.

So said another really, really simple way that I think most of us would will understand. Guess what? The only person that's at our movie is you, you, you. That's all.

So, meaning, imagine yourself in a movie theater all by yourself and you're taking the ride. You know, you got the highs and the lows. You're crying. There's something that takes your breath away and there's something that makes you cry. And oh my gosh, that's amazing. And yet we're the only ones in the.

You're the only one there. So most people, when we share that with them, that's. You're right. So, meaning we have.

Well, and I, I really want to implore that even if, you know you're listening to our voice right now, and let's say you're listening to it with somebody who is really important to you, you're gonna both come away with some takeaways that the other won't pick up on. Right. Because it's about your perspective. It's about what's resonating with you in the moment. And so nine times out of 10, really, nine times out of 10, I'm not just making that up. Nine times out of 10, you can rest assured that you are not experiencing the same things with the same, like, perspective, the same experience as your person.

Your partner, your people, your children, your family members. Yeah.

Your parents, if by chance you're taking care of old, elderly parents. We are all having a very unique experience. Experience based on our past, present and future hopes and dreams. And it's so important for us to remember that, because then what happens and the reason why we don't take action, number one, it doesn't seem like it's okay to take action. It totally is. That's an old lie, an illusion and a myth that we need to explode. If you're having challenges in your relationship right now, if there's things that are conflicted that you've been wrestling with. Right. For a. A week, a month, a day, I want you to know there's clients of ours that buy packages, and then they just reach out to us when they're stuck, when they don't know what else to do, and. And then we do a session, and they create a new paradigm and a perspective and exercise their. Their experiences and their skills, and off they go, and we don't hear from them for a month or two. What I want to. What I want to share with you is that it's okay for us to have challenges in places where we don't know what to do. And it's okay for us to raise our hand and say, I don't know what to do. I'm stuck, or I'm really conflicted, or I'm really challenged right now. It's okay for us to do that. When it comes to the emotional realm of our lives and our relationships. In fact, we must. And we do that with our health and our physical bodies. We do that with our cell phones and our technology. We do that with so many other things. If my physical house is breaking down, it needs to be painted or renovated. I'm going to address it. I'm going to decide what it is I need to do about it. And I just want you to know that there are, are us and many other people that are doing great work that you can reach out to and get that next step made possible for you. Because what prevents us from getting help is a, we don't, we're embarrassed. We don't feel like we can admit that we have a problem and that we're challenging or that we don't know what to do. We, we, we've come equipped with this emotional realm or idea around relationships that we, we should know what to do, right? If we're doing it right or I'm good, or they're good, we can find ourselves protecting ourselves or our partner, right? We can, we can find ourselves just conflicted about what, what I need to do and embarrassed about the place that I find myself. The second thing is, is I start making a lot of assumptions about what's possible. Which brings us back to that movie concept, right? We, we, gosh, what do we do? I, I, I don't understand why you're doing it. And then I start making up stories about what is possible and what you will do and what you won't do. And that's such a lie. And I have so many clients, right? I have so many clients that when we can start to open up the dialogue and ironically, when the relationship is about to end and they lay that card on the table and they say, this isn't working, this isn't working, this isn't working. And I'm not tolerating that anymore and there's nothing to lose. So they finally start revealing these kinds of things. That's the moment when ironically, the permission comes back into the relationship and they go out. Really? That's how you felt the whole time? I never knew. And all of a sudden everything becomes possible. Living in because there's permission to share, there's permission to talk about and dialogue about the challenging stuff. There's permission to explore what else is possible. And, and finally, the person that's been conflicted all this time, withholding it because they think that they're saving something in the relationship, they're saving the relationship itself by not sharing is actually set free as well as the other person never knew.

Let me make a, I think a very important distinction because this just rolls off of my lovely wife's and for some of us that aren't quite as fast and all kidding. Permission, you have to understand when Stacy's, you know, emphatically, you have to. Permission is like not yes or no, that, yes, that is permission, but permission in a relationship is a much, much deeper experience. It's. It's a feeling, meaning you have the permission to show up and share who you really are. Okay, so when we have a client right now where they thought they were done, you know, and maybe they still are. Realize, ladies and gentlemen, there is no guarantee in any of this. There's no guarantee that Stacey and I will be back here next week. I think that's going to be the case.

But really, I'm feeling pretty good about it.

Me too, at this point in time. But no, so. So permission is like. You think you're at the end of the rope. So what that. What that put them into this place of possibility because, well, I guess it's done anyway. So there's no reason not to share how I'm really feeling. None of it was done in a place of disrespect. It was done in a place of pure love and just like, wanting the best for each other. But permission is to really. We always say the two things you absolutely have to have in a relationship are permission and. What's the other one, Mrs. Bartley?

Connection.

Connection. So if you have permission to show up and really share who you are, then all things are possible. So that I just, you know, we use language that sometimes can get. It's not necessarily the literal sense, but it's the feeling sense. And that's a huge distinction that I just want to really make sure that people really understand. So there's like, I know there's anything I can say, anything to Stacy, it doesn't matter.

And you know what? I also want to point them out that that continues to develop.

Yes. It's a deepening in a practice and a practice and a practice and a practice and a practice and a practice.

And as much as you think that you're able to let go and share and open up and let go and open up and share, you know, until. Right. There's nothing more to share. You haven't let go enough.

Yeah, there's always more to share.

There's always more to share. So that oft times is what prevents us is because we have these illusions that we've been taught about our relationships and how they're supposed to go. And if they don't go that way, then we think we're doing it wrong. And then we want to withhold that. We want to cover that up.

Up.

And then what happens is we assume that it's the other person's fault and. Or the other person is capable of X, Y and Z, which I want to Point out that that's an assumption. And when we finally get couples talking like our client, you mentioned, where they finally laid all the cards on the table, this happens a lot where they say, this doesn't work for me. I don't want this. This hurt my feelings. I can't continue with this. The other person is literally blown out of the water because I, in their perspective or in their movie, they think they're knocking it out of the park.

Right.

I can't tell you how many times we've had clients that. Right. Especially where it relates to the typical role models. Amel is out, you know, busting his fanny, trying to provide everything he could possibly think of, thinking that that's what his woman wants, is the big house and the big car and the fancy purse and being able to get her nails done and go out to lunch with all the girlfriends and do the yoga, etc.

And not to say, believe me, we're not saying that those aren't nice things. Believe those are nice things.

But there. If there's no emotional connection, if there's no like, substance or foundation to the relationship, it's not uncommon for him to come home one day and house is.

Cleaned out, gone, gone.

Like we. I can't even tell you how many.

Times we've had clients just happened. So again, and huge disconnect in the movie.

The money, the money earning is right, babe. I mean it's, it's, it's not going to save you. Nor is marriage going to save you, nor is religion going to save you. What saves us is the ability to share ourselves with each other. And in order to do that, we've got to create the permission necessary to create that foundation so that we can have sometimes the challenging conversations.

Absolutely.

And so if you need support with this, again, reach out. These are all skill based. I don't want you to think that all is not. These are just conversations that we don't typically have in other places. And if you're finding that you are falling short, that you don't have the skills, that you are sitting on your couch, that you are crossing your fingers, that there are things that haven't gone well for a really long, I would.

Just add that, that this is not going to be. Again, no disrespect. There's great that this is not to like your typical. Most of us I think conjure up or you've experienced this where you go sit on somebody's couch and just kind of share about your problems. Again, I'm not. But that's not how this goes. Everything that Stacy and I do in our work is to help you take your next best steps as fast as possible. Why? Because we live in a universe of energy. And what do you hear about people when they say they about ready to break up or they have. What do they say? I cannot do this anymore. Anymore because you will run out of gas.

Yeah, exactly.

So what are our takeaways?

Our takeaways from the heart of the matter today is don't wait.

Don't wait.

You know that there's some things brewing in the background. Raise your hand, get some help, get some support with us. Address it. Second is assumptions about what you think is possible or likely wrong. Right. I don't care how long you've been.

Together or how short you've been together or how short you've been.

You've been together.

Well said.

And permission opens up the space for new possibilities. And that's what we want to impart to you today. Get off your couch. It's. It's time to take action. If you know that that's the place that you're in and do it now.

Well, and I can just remind you, I mean, I'm not being funny, but you can work with us from your couch. I mean, we do, we work with people. We're blessed to work with people all over the world so you don't have to come. We have a local body of work in an office, but we work with a lot of people around the actually around the world. So you know the power of technology. You don't have to leave your couch. And we can work with you wonderfully. And you can bring your favorite beverage to the coaching session if you want as well. I mean, I'm serious.

So let's take a break and when we come back, we're going to share with you a love shack rant. And don't worry, we'll also share with you what that is too. And let's let this again.

Well, love shack grant and a. A fairy dust moment.

Well, that's true.

Okay, so we'll be right back.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to stacybartley.com fairydust staceybartly.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the the struggle bus to Easy Street.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up.

Up.

Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacy bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Hello, I'm Nathan Mum. Join me in Mike Ruday as we host a weekly technology show that talks about technology for the everyday content Common person. We are a live radio program that airs Saturday from 4 to 5pm on YouTube, Facebook and Twitch. If you go to facebook.com/techtimeradio, YouTube.com forward/techtimeradio or Twitch TV TechTimeradio, you can catch us live Saturdays from 4 to 5pm you can find us at all podcast services online from Apple to Google and.

Everything in between, Self help, healing, spirituality and more on Alternative Talk 1150.

Welcome back. If you're just joining us, thanks so much. We are Tom and Stacy Bartley, your host. And now we are going to have a new part of our show and it's called the Love Shack rant and the fairy dust moment.

I know. So what's a Love Shack rant? Well, we wanted to give a space and a place where everybody in our community that listens into the Love Shack can have a place to share with us about their relationship journey.

Well, we've been accused like, like, you guys are a little bit Disney, like sometimes by even our own kids, like, don't be giving me that Disney. You know, everything's great, blah, blah, blah.

Right. So, you know, sometimes things don't go so well and we wanted to give you a space to express that. And we have a rant today from Marie and I just want to share it with you in case this might be where you are. We also want to represent your voice as well because, you know, sometimes in the relationship world things don't go so well. And Marie had this to say. She said, I admit it, I'm just crabby now. I put a lot of time and effort into relationships trying, having long involved discussions, hoping to convince the person to be in love with me. That's so common, babe. Sometimes I think the people that I spent time with are narcissists or even sociopaths but we didn't have a lot of information about that at the time. I'm afraid I'll meet another one because I'm kind of soft touch. I'm kind of a soft touch. And they seem to be drawn to people like us. Us. What should I be looking for? And are there tests I can do to avoid further disaster? You know, Marie, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head by saying I'm kind of a soft touch. People who are truly narcissists or sociopaths, and any of us, honestly, as human beings, will tend to push our elbow grease on those who are willing to just go along with and put up with whatever, especially if I'm wanting things to go my way. What we need to learn is an ability to say, you know what? That doesn't really, really work for me. Or, you know what? I don't feel comfortable with that, or, you know, that kind of is raw for me, which, especially when we're meeting somebody new, is really difficult and challenging for us to do. And I would suggest to you that that is a place where we need to develop some emotional strength. And really what it is, it's a sense of respect and appreciation for you as a. A person. So that's what I would have to say about that. And by the way, if. Oh, well, maybe we had to go to the fairy dust moment first, because this is pretty incredible. So, yes, we want to do the rant, but then we also want to do the appreciation because not all of us are on the same journey at the same time. And we want to give voice to both, right? We want to represent both sides. So here's a fairy dust moment. And for those of you who don't know our work or haven't listened to past shows where we've taught about this principle, Fairy dust, number one, is something that we all need. Number two, if there ever was a fairy dust for relationships, this would be it. And fairy dust is simply our need and our desire as a human being for three basic things. And those three basic things are to feel heard, to feel appreciated, and to feel like I matter, that what I do matters. And so we've created another segment called the Fairy dust Moment. And we want to give a shout out to the people that we love, whether we're celebrating our anniversary, the role that they play in our lives, and. Or just celebrating and letting them know that we care and that we love and appreciate them for no reason whatsoever. And we have a fairy dust moment to play for you right now. Go Ahead.

If you are fortunate enough in life, if you're lucky enough, you will cross paths with the soul that will literally change not only the direction of your life, not only the tenor of your days on earth, but literally the way that your world is colored. My beloved, my sweetheart, Summer. One of the greatest blessings in all my life, a love that surprised me and came out of nowhere, is one of those souls. Not only is she beautiful in terms of appearance, like, oh, my God, be still my heart, but even more beyond what I can see, her true radiance lies in her personality, in her genius, in her excellence and her selfless devotion to others and her seemingly limitless well of support and love that she has. Lucky, lucky me. And on top of all of that, she is truly a magnificent mom who balances her commitment to her three priceless treasures, her three babies, all while working and going to grad school. Like, wow. In other words, she is one of those mystical performers who is able to somehow keep multiple plates spinning in the air, not only with the hands that we see, but with a pair of invisible hidden limbs. To say I love her, adore her, cherish her, and need her wouldn't begin to express who Summer is for me. And so maybe the easiest and the simplest way to express it is to say, summer is my everyday Christmas.

I love that. Everyday Christmas. I love that.

Now, that might be a tough fairy dust moment to follow, but wow. Sounds like Summer is an incredibly blessed woman. And sounds like the caller is. I mean, so there you go. I mean, there's a flavor of both. Again, Stacy loves to talk about polarity. Polarity. The name for polarity. Ying and yang are contrast. So there you go.

Now, listen, I want you to know right now that you too can create a rant or fairy dust moment by going to stacybartley.com forward/rant moment, all together.

Rant moment.

You can also read other rants and acknowledgments there as well, because, you know, we're all on this journey together and we're all at different places. It's only going to cost you 10 bucks. But hey, you know what? We're going to announce it live right here on the radio as well as post it on our website. So, babe, we're to that point where we need to make the call, right? Do you like the Prosecco or not?

Come on. Absolutely love it.

Yeah, anytime. And what does it pair with everything? Anything. We want to close our show out today and we want to give a shout out to. Can you feel it? Because we Choose a song. We want you to feel the conversation that we're trying to impart to you today. And as we run around in our crazy lives, it's tough for us to take a pause and to really feel for a moment. Just take a moment to feel.

Yeah. And I would say Stacy and I, we really give a lot of thought to this. So maybe you could go to our show notes on our. In our website and listen to the song first and then come back and listen. Listen to the. To the.

To the.

To the episode. Try that.

How you can access this song actually is go to our Stacy bartley.com site and you can go to the podcast show notes and what will be there is a. Is a Spotify playlist designed just this week's song.

Believe me, it's. We just played it right before the show. It's spectacular.

Such a beautiful song, right? My wish for you and for all of us, us is that a special someone in our lives will come into our lives and that we will feel such a strong emotion and connection to. That is my hope for all of us that we have this special person in our life. Our artist is her. H E R my song. And catch it on the playlist if you will.

See you next week, everybody.

Yeah, that's it for today. Gosh, this time goes by by so fast.

Bye bye now.

Have a great week.

Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.