#29: Technology & Relationships: What Impact Do They Have On One Another?

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Stack, a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives. These drop on juicy conversations and uncover mysteries that nobody talks about but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is the show for you. I am Stacey Bartley and I am here with my co host and lover Tom. Together for the past decade we've been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping singles and couples create and experience love for a lifetime in their relationships, both with themselves and others.

And a quick shout out to our listeners wherever you are. Bottom line is thank you for sharing some of your most precious resource your time with us. Just a reminder, we are live every week at Thursday at 1pm on KKNW and we're also streaming on YouTube and streaming on Facebook. Bottom line is we're trying to serve and meet you wherever you are. And again, thank you so much for spending a few moments of your day. And our goal is always to give you some nugget, some piece of inspiration, something to help add to this most important part of our life, which is love and relationships.

Yeah. And if you would help us spread the love by sharing this in previous shows with the people in your life that matter most, we'd sure appreciate it. And thanks for those who do. Bottom line, wherever you are in this moment, thank you so much for listening and it's great to be here with you today. We have an incredible conversation and guest, by the way, that's going to help us with this conversation. We're going to talk about technology and relationships and what is that impact that they have on one another. You know, we all are aware that technology has a hu impact on our relationships from the way we find potential partners to the way that we communicate with each other. When we're in relationships, we literally have the universe at our fingertips. Right. We can dial up anything, Google, search anything, and we do this with our phones every single day. But what we're starting to see is that this sometimes sacrifices the connection with the human beings that are actually sitting around with us day to day that are in our lives. The ones that are closest to us often get sacrificed because of the scrolling that we're doing. So today we want to ask the all important question, are we using technology as a superficial substitute for connection and or perhaps an escape hatch to avoid confronting the stress and anxieties that we know love and life can bring, which only leads to, of course, sacrificing the thing that we say that we want the most. So today, right here in the Love Shack, we're going to be joined by Mark. All right. Sorry, I said Mark. I think Mike Gorde, he considers himself to be a human solutions consultant in the Pacific Northwest. He combines his expertise in human behavior, which includes over 20 years in the helping fields of addiction, mental health and disabilities. He's also a co host right here on the popular Techtime radio show, which airs here on KKNW Saturdays at 4pm He he truly is, in our opinion, the perfect person to help us explore this question as well as help us to uncover the impact that technology truly has on our relationships. Stay tuned for this conversation and many other little goodies. We're going to be right back with what you drinking. So grab your favorite beverage.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to Stacybartley.com fairydust stacybartley.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship. Tips today Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks. Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Hello, I'm Nathan Mum. Join me in Mike Ruday as we host a weekly technology show that talks about technology for the everyday common person. We are a live radio program that airs Saturday from 4 to 5pm on YouTube, Facebook and Twitch. If you go to facebook.comtechtimeradio YouTube.comtechtimeradio or Twitch TV. Techtimeradio. You can catch us live Saturdays from 4 to 5pm you can. You can find us at all podcast services online from Apple to Google and everything in between.

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Welcome back everybody. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley, your hosts of Love Shack live. We're excited to be coming to you and have a very special guest all about technology in our relationships. But before we get to that.

Yeah. We're going to talk about what we're drinking. And what we're drinking is champagne. Always. Why? Because champagne is something that celebrates life. And unfortunately for most of us, that celebration happens, oh, you know, once or twice a year. Maybe on New Year's Eve, maybe on Christmas Day. But we're here to promote the idea that every day is a day to celebrate. And so we want to encourage you to take this ride with champagne, or any kind of a sparkling beverage for that matter, if champagne's not your thing. Tom and I are going to be trying champagnes from around the world, and we'll tell you all about what we think of them. And today we're drinking one right from our very own Napa Valley. We're privileged. And are we privileged? Sometimes I wonder. You know, I've always said to Tom, if it wasn't for the wine and it wasn't for the weather, California business wise, we might, you know, have a bit of a ghost town. But that's a conversation for another time. Today we are drinking one from right here in our Napa Valley called Tommy. Say it. You sound so French. No, I love that. So sexy. Say it again.

Shandon.

So it's a beautiful bottle of wine, and we're. We've never had this.

Shandon.

I love that. Okay, so listen, we're going to step into a follow the fun moment for you. And today we're going to combine two of my very favorite things. Tommy, do you know what those are?

I would say one that we're sharing with our audience is having a wonderful glass of champagne.

Well, that's true, but I'm actually referring to chocolate and kissing. And so today's fun tip is a mix of these. So here's how it rolls. I'm going to encourage you to pick up a bag of chocolate Hershey kisses. You know, they're delicious. We all know what they are, and we've all eaten them. Hold on, there's more. What I want you to do is I want you to pull out all the little paper things that stick out of those little kissies. You know what I'm saying? Just pull the little papers out and put a little collection together on the side and then place them in a box or a bag that you can actually offer up as a gift with a card inside that explains each and every little slip of paper is a coupon that is Redeemable for one kiss each. Now that's fun, honey and sweet, right? Oh, so there's your follow the fun tip this week. Come on, try it out.

So again, you take the little, the little things that are, that you pull out of there that have something on there. What's on those little sayings?

I don't know. Sometimes they say kiss. I actually say the word kiss. But sometimes they're just a little slip of paper. But you know, have you ever thought that you can gather them up and you can actually redeem them and I mean, if you want to get creative, you could redeem them for more than a kiss. But we're not going to talk about that right now, right?

Radio show friendly.

Yes, yes, yes. So kissing is a wonderful thing and we don't get enough of it, especially right now. So anyway, moving on. Let me know how you like it. We'd love to hear as you take and follow the fun and put these into your relationship. We'd love to hear how you go. You can just go to our website and send us a message. We'd love to hear from you. And by the way, if you're not on our fun list, you need to get a on our fun list because we're going to be doing some giveaways next Thursday on the show live. And you can get on a fun list and you can receive all kinds of fun tips like this and all smattering of other things that are just fun, fun, fun by going to our website, staceybartly.com forward/fun list. So get on there. And next week we're going to be doing our first giveaway ever.

I don't think there's too many people on that list. Again, I'm kind of a numbers guy. Probably wouldn't, you know, what's that disclaimer? Chances will probably be greater now than they are in the. In just saying.

So guess what time it is.

Tom's tantalizing moment or tip. Tom's tantalizing tip.

So take it away.

Yeah, so I was getting, I was getting gas. I know that's like, that's a tip. No, I was getting gas there.

Just.

I think it was over the weekend. I came home and so I just was, you know, you know, viewing across the aisle of the, of the gas station there, and I saw a gentleman, you know, sitting against the side of his car, his pickup truck. Like I was sitting against the side.

Of our car and.

And then all of a sudden, again, I have no idea what prompt. I just, I wasn't Spying. I just was looking, viewing across the aisles there, so to speak. And he, he opened his door and reached in and there was a. I could tell just because I could see it like a little wiener dog. And, and, and you know, grabbed the, the little dog's, you know, face in its hands and got really, really close physically, his face to the dog's face. And what we like to say, like, you know, and I again, we, we have, we've got a coon dog that I'm looking at right now, sounds asleep. So, you know, but I. What struck me and I came home and shared this with Stacy and she said, I think that'd be a good Tom's tantalizing tip was why is it, you know, that again, I have no idea what prompted that gentleman to do so, but I said, why that would be more socially acceptable. And everyone say, oh God, cute little dog. Rather than. I wonder how often we're compelled or inspired to do that with our loved ones just because for. No, there was no, nothing that I certainly saw in my visual and I'm a pretty keen visual person that I think prompted him to do so. So what, why wouldn't we do that? Same kind of just random coochie, coochie, coochie with our loved ones.

Yeah. I'm going to call this tip the sharing. The coochie coochie, which means kindness, like love, appreciation. Right. The coochie coochie moment where we're just for no reason at all, out of the blue, we just go.

And again, that would be more social acceptable because if, I mean, I have to say I'm gonna start taking notes, but I mean, I don't know if I've ever seen someone as I get gas because I drive quite a bit, open up their car and do that with. I could see maybe a little, little baby, a brand new newborn would probably. But again, it's just like, what is it? Why is that like that?

And you're causing me to think, you know, every morning I get to walk our coon dog and I pass a lot of people and it's amazing how many friends you meet. And as I meet friends, they're always stopping to pet the dog or want to know what the dog's name is. And they don't ever ask me what my name is. There's not an exchange between the humans, only through the dog. Oh, that's such a great dog. Oh, your dog. Oh, coochie, coochie. What's his name? Right. Oh, I love hound dogs. And then. Bye. Have A nice day. And so I've made it an intentional part of saying, hey, I'm Stacy. Who are you? And that part, unless I initiate it, completely gets negated. And so it's. It's just this idea, right, Babe, of like, gosh, what is that about, right? Is it. Is it because we are so nervous about sharing ourselves with another human that it's easier to do it through other means, like. Like a pet?

Well, I mean, it just.

We.

We have a wonderful place where we go as we prepare for our show. And it literally just happened, you know, a few hours ago, you know, Jiggy, our dog. Let's get Jiggy. That's on. Was laying down, and some people came over, and only because Stacy initiated, you know, hi, my name is Stacy. What is. And it was, you know, four or five gentlemen. So it's not that there's not risk, because, you know, I mean, you know, I've seen Jiggy bite, in fact, family members. So, I mean, it's not that there's not potential physical risk, but I would sense that there's more risk, we think, with emotional risk than physical risk.

I would agree. And I think that we put ourselves in situations unknowingly or unaware in these physical environments. Like, you know, people pet down. You know, just reach down and pet him, and he's pretty friendly, but like Tom says, he has been known to bite, so it's not like there's not any risk there. And some people come and put their face right in his face, and I'm like, oh, that's a bad program. It's how he's bit somebody. You know, you startle him and he's gonna. He's gonna bite. So it's like you said, babe, not. Not that there isn't physical risk there. There's not risk there, but there's risk. When I say, hey, this is. I'm Stacy, and who are you? You know, maybe they'll get grumpy and. And walk away, but most times, you know, I would say there was more risk physically with the dog than there ever was saying hello to somebody, right? And so they blow you off.

And they may choose not to respond, but, I mean, I mean, that's as.

Bad as it's going to get. At least you won't be going to get stitches or something, right? And so it is a fascinating conversation that, gosh, we're just inviting you to ponder today. Where is it that you're maybe not sharing coochie coochie with the people that you love the most, right? Just. And it doesn't have to be, oh, I love you so much. It could just be, gosh, I so appreciate you, or, gosh, I was thinking of you today, and I just want you to know I really like you, or. Or, gosh, you know, so great to have you here. I so appreciate that. All of these things, you know, they breathe new life into all of us. Not only the person that's sharing it, but the person that's receiving it. And we all need so much more of that in our lives today.

And I would just add one more thing. I mean, for those of us that have been together for, you know, anything more than, say, whatever new would be for you. Again, that's pretty easy when things are new, but once we get a little bit of a history within, underneath. Excuse me. I would say, like, look, that. That's a daily. And you mean, what do you like, you know, what do you mean? Phyllis, we've been together for 27 years, and you see, all I provide for you. I'm having some fun here. But that's not that. That is not. That's not how it works. You know, you can't do too many of these deposits, if you will. We don't. I mean, I never. I never get overwhelmed with the amount of. I'm blessed and privileged that Stacy demonstrates to me, and I hope it's vice versa, meaning it doesn't get old. I mean, the sweetest sound to any of us is the sound of our name. I think that's William James, if I remember that, you know, well.

And as many times as we hear it, we can't hear it enough, and we don't hear it enough. So being reminded that you matter and that you. You're appreciated and that you're heard are really, at the end of the day, the three things that we're always fighting for. And so knowing that really gives us a leg up. We can just kind of go there and, you know, give the people that you really care about, your good friends, your. Your lovers, your kids, your business partners, let them know that you care. Right? Let them know that they're valuable and important to you. And any old time is a great time. And I promise you, we can't get enough of it. I like that tip, honey. That's awesome.

And for those of you that are wondering, I know you're probably waiting just, you know, baited. It wasn't Charo, you know, at the gas station. Well, we're having some fun with our incredible, very wise and very colorful engineer, Erica. Nice job.

Eric, it wasn't.

It wasn't. But it was probably that's what you would think of. And again, you know, so that's what.

I immediately thought of when you.

That was her catchphrase.

Nice job.

See? See how we're supportive?

Well, I know, I know. It's incredible. So this is Tom's share the coochie coochie moment.

Yeah, I mean, but you know, again. But all kidding aside. Again, just look, no, look, I love it. But why, why is that more probably the. The rule than the exception? And why wouldn't we do some version of that as easily and, and sporadically with our loved ones? That's all I'm asking for all of us, me included, evaluate. I mean, and I just happen to be blessed to just watch it in real time. So there we go.

Yeah, I love it.

Stay tuned for next week's tantalizing.

Oh, Tom's knocking it out of the park. I really like the. What did you call that character you just did? No, no, the field guy. Phyllis. Fred.

Oh, yeah.

Do it again. One more time.

Phyllis.

What do you mean, do I care?

For God's sakes, I' family for 27 years.

Of course I love you.

Of course I love you.

Well, drum roll please. We're going to move into the heart of the matter today. The heart of the matter is where we get to bring on our fantastic guest, Mike Gord. Mike has been a master in forensic psychology in backed in over 20 years of experience working in the psychology field and assisting those with addiction, mental health and disabilities. In my world, we call that really heavy lifting. So in addition to his specialized training and certifications in facial expressions and muscle movement, he also is an expert in body language, which gives him the ability to understand human behavior and why it is us humans do what we do. He's also an incredible host, co host on the wonderful show techtime Radio that broadcasts right here on kknw. And so in our opinion, Mike is the perfect person to come on and be our guest as we explore this incredible question that must be asked. Is technology something that we are using as a superficial gateway to the connection that we all long for and desire? And is it also an escape hatch when we don't know how to deal with love and stress, anxieties that are inevitable in life? So, Mike, come on. We're ready to welcome you on the show.

He's an expert in facial, so we need to make sure that our face expressions are appropriate. How we looking, Mike? Everything okay?

I think you're okay. It's hard to. It's hard to do it when I'm looking at a camera and can't see the screen. Okay.

Okay.

So, Mike, is this something that you still do quite a bit in your life? The facial expression kinds of evaluations?

I'm always looking at faces and body movements and. Yeah. So the quick answer is, yeah, I do that all the time. And it. It fascinates people and freaks them out at the same time.

I was gonna say that must be tough on a. On a date. Like. Like it.

Yeah, Yeah. I. I've gotten it a lot. In a lot of trouble for that. And people say I put them in a fishbowl, and. And that's. That's. You know, that's just part of the thing, so it's very intimidating, I guess.

Yeah.

But we. I mean, we all like our masks. You know, as human beings, we have our. We have our masks, and we. We. And we have our professional mask, and we have our dating mask, and we have our parent mask. And it's very difficult when somebody's looking behind those masks unless we let them. When I come along and I can kind of see things that are going on, it's intimidating.

No. No doubt. And, you know, the level of playing field would be leveled, I guess, is what I'm trying to say, if I had the same skill that you had. But when I don't, then I feel like you can see things or understand things that maybe I don't. I don't even see and understand about myself. Right.

Yeah, in a sense. In a sense. Some people think I'm psychic and can read minds, but that's not the case either, and that. That's very scary for people too?

Yeah.

I'm just having a thought. Would you say that typically, with all your training, Mike, that what you're seeing, you know, through somebody's facial expressions pretty much fits, you know, and is in sync, in harmony with how their other things that are going on in their life.

Yeah. Yeah. It's more complex than it sounds. And I can't. I can't really say that I understand human behavior. I don't. I don't think any of us can. But when we. When our expressions contradict what we're saying, there's something there, you know, and when they are congruous, congruent, there's. That's where we get that genuineness, that genuine connection.

Mm. It's kind of like when the. I teach it in our work is the physical and the emotional, like the physical look and look of it. And the feel of it line up and they're congruent. Then we all kind of go, oh, all right. That makes sense. But if there's something that's awry there, we can pick up on that whether we understand facial recognition or not. And we go, you know, that doesn't really feel right. Right. That's usually how it shows up for us.

Right. It's intuitive for a lot of folks. It's more intuitive for females usually than males. But we all have that intuitive gathering of information because our subconscious mind is constantly looking for threats and data points. So we get a feeling that something's off. That's usually our subconscious alerting us to some incongruent behavior or word exchange or something.

I love that. Well, so, gosh, let's. Let's. I mean, we could have a whole show on that. We need to have you come back and let's talk about the human behavior piece. Right. But that's really not what we're supposed to talk about. So I'm gonna. I'm gonna reel this back in. And. And let's start with. Not to put you on the spot, Mike, but I know that you're in the dating pool, and that's how you ended up on the show.

Yeah, somebody threw me under a bus.

And so let's start on that piece of technology, because that piece of technology is very pervasive in the relationship conversation. Right. Where we feel like we can't even meet people out in person anymore, that it must be done through some piece of technology. So I'd love your thoughts on that, and then give us an idea of what it was like to be on the online dating platforms and what your experience there has been. It's kind of.

Oh, Lord, That's. That's kind of a. So I hate it.

Right.

And the problem with is. Is it. It's very superficial, you know, whether it's. You know, most of it is. Is picture based, it's visual based. So like Tinder, you swipe and bumble. You swipe. And then you've got eharmony, which they. They give you these awesome assessments that really mount to nothing, and then they give you pictures. So everything is based on this visual concept. And then you open up with texting. And a lot of this stuff follows this kind of weird format where you text, then maybe call and talk, and then maybe you do a video chat, and then maybe you get together. Now, Covid is putting a big spin on a lot of this stuff, of course, but it's. It's A very superficial way of trying to make a connection, which I have a lot of trouble doing. I don't like texting back and forth unless we've been together, unless there's a connection, then we can text all the time. But trying to suss. I've had, I've had potential dates that I've asked these sort of. They thought were incisive questions, and then they, they, they don't want to go any further because they think, oh, my God, I need to. I need to have a sit down and I'm not ready for that. Blah, blah, blah.

It really is something that we hide behind, isn't it? It really is something that. And the other thing that I think that's interesting about this piece of technology is on the front side of this. You talked about masks earlier. Gosh. We can present anything. Right. And I'm wanting to present my best self, but sometimes as human beings, we kind of tend to take it a little further. And then when the rubber meets the road, I'm really not anything like I had presented myself to be. Right?

Yeah. It's so funny because human beings, it's like the dating apps are like going shopping. You go to the grocery store and you're looking for the particular set of ingredients that you want, but everybody throws up the same ingredients, you know, for the most common ones I see on women's profiles are looking for somebody who's kind, honest and communicative. Right. And we have all these other things. We're messy. Human beings are messy. Oh, I love that.

We say we're mess making machines, Mike.

So we're right here with you. Yeah. And so we want to present these images of perfection. And part of that is generated by the media and the way we think we should be doing things. And so we're always constantly image engineering everything. And there's nothing more image engineering than these dating profiles. Or, you know, you look, you can look online and find out how many, how many ways you can make your profile picture better or standing in front of a Porsche to make you look rich even though it's not your Porsche or, you know, there's all kinds of these crazy things that you can do to present some image to somebody who's looking for a connection. And it's all superficial.

It so is so superficial.

I love that. Image engineering.

It is.

Yeah.

That's.

Wow. It's a really. It is. And we do it in marketing all the time, but we just never really probably thought about marketing ourselves in the dating pool. Right. To find a special Someone I would market myself. And that's really what it's turned into. You can even hire somebody to do your profile.

Yeah, exactly. And this, and this is all psychologically based. This is all based on. If you look in the animal kingdom, we're doing that too. Right. The males are all plume and gruff and fighting, and the females are looking for the ones that are going to be that. The whole peacock thing, you know.

Yeah.

And so we do it too. We're all, we're all doing the same thing. We're presenting this I'm a perfect mate thing in order to attract the attention of our potential mates. And this is what these things are doing. These, these platforms are. Are simply brochures.

Oh, that's really well said. I like that. And what's interesting is you've described a process that can take sometimes not just days, not just hours, but weeks and months to. I get to the point where we're actually going to be face to face.

Yeah.

If we were to just meet face to face, I could tell you in nanoseconds whether this was something that I wanted to pursue or not. Right. So we've taken very normal human, you know, something that is our physiological, biological abilities, and we've turned it into this, this process, this long, drawn out process. And you're no different than a lot of the clients that we talk to. They are so sick of it and it's so Dr. Like, it's so draining.

Right.

And yet we, we bought into this idea that there's no other way to go about it. So.

Yeah.

What are the, what are the parts that you like about it? What are the parts that you feel like maybe work a little bit to help us out in finding ourselves or finding relationships overall?

Well, one, it's, there's, there's a lack of emotional. Emotionality involved. Right. So it's easy. Right. So the, the popularity of Tinder is. Is, I think, based on the fact that you can reject a whole bunch of people and they're never going to know it. Right. So we can swipe to our heart's content and somebody who swipes on us and we swipe on them, we have. Oh, we have a connection and that gives us a shot of dopamine. And then if. And then we start, and we start carrying on this sort of very safe, emotional, emotionally safe conversation. It's not like walking up to a woman in a bar and asking them their names. Right. And we're all there supposedly for the same thing. So we already have created this, this arena where okay. This is expected behavior.

Wow.

You're kind of. You're kind of bringing up this concept of everybody gets a trophy. Right. Nobody has to. Nobody has to take the risk of rejection. Right. Everybody gets a trophy. Worry about it. You can come to this little app and you don't have to worry about getting rejected or not getting it right, or risking that emotional sense of rejection.

Yeah. I think a lot of times we use technology in order to feel safer. In fact, that's probably the best way of explaining it. Where all of our technology is built around the idea of making our lives more comfortable, more safer, more secure. And by doing so, we try to solve one problem and then we create all these other problems here. Because even with the video platform, we can only see a little bit of each other. But if we're sitting across from each other in physical real life, we're getting all kinds of data that we're just not getting over a text or over a phone call or over a video date. We're getting subtle cues, we're getting facial expressions, we're getting tonal changes in the voice. There's so many things that are going on that we pick up on when we are physically present. And each one of these ways of dealing with it kind of cuts a lot of that out. Texting being probably the most basic. So that would be like smoke signals. I'm over here, you're over there. Okay, we know each other is there. And I can say, well, what's your. What's your favorite color? Okay, great. Happy.

Well, and this doesn't just affect us in our dating pool either. I want to point out that, you know, technology is really impacting long term relationships as well. And some of the points on that. I'd love your thoughts on that as well. Because what I see is, you know, we're distracted by our phones. We're not present with our romantic partners regardless of where we are or our families or our children. And coupled with that, we also see these incredible posts of other people in our lives on social media, how perfect their lives are and where they're going and where they're traveling to. And we're like, come on, Fred, look.

That's right.

Look what Sammy and Joe are doing. Come on, pull it together. And I start to become dissatisfied in my relationship based on what I'm seeing online.

Right. And not only that, you, you. There's the. There's the FOMO stuff, the fear of missing out stuff, and the grass is greener stuff. So you're constantly getting bombarded with Messages that they're. There's better potential partners out there. Right. Because I can go online and look, I don't know how many. How many of these sites have been destroyed by how many married people are on them, you know, kind of things. And the distractibility factor is pretty bad, and it does create a lot of rifts in, in the, in the relationship.

So would you say, Mike, is there any correlation between a more maybe premium online dating service, dating app that would get you potentially a better result versus more of a baseline or a free version?

Well, you know, they're all designed. They're all designed to get your money, right? So if you. If you get on some of these, you can see pictures, and then if you want to message them, you have to pay to upgrade. Right? You pay to upgrade. You get to text them, you get the premium, you get to do video chat. So everything is built on this idea that it's a progressive system monetization, and it really amounts to the same thing is, is, are you going to make a connection with this person? And, and some of these, some of these outfits, I think they use, a lot of them use bots or fake dating profiles that actually contact you and try to keep you interested in keeping you spending more money.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah. Well, so. So that brings me to a point where I would like to know if personally you've ever experienced the human behavior of comparing yourselves to other people? Because that's a huge problem on the platforms of technology as well, where I'm comparing my life or who I am or how I look or what I have or where I go or what I do with other people. Right. Whether that's in a profile type of a context, like a dating platform, or it's in a social media feed on my Facebook, Instagram, etc. Is that something that, as you're out there, you kind of wrestle with? I know I sure do. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna call it. I do. And I have to be really careful about going down that rabbit hole of comparing myself to others and going, oh, man, look what they're doing. Oh, honey, come on, we gotta pull it together. I'd love your thoughts on that.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't be human if I didn't say that I. I did not do stuff like that. But I think the older I get, the less I care, so. And I don't know if that's just me or if that's just a getting older thing. You just stop. You just stop comparing yourself to other people at Some point. But yeah, we all. We all want to achieve things, and our society is designed around this. We. There's a lot of social under structures that suggest that we need to look a certain way, we need to act a certain way, and we need to have a certain amount of money that creates. Creates this need to attain it. Keeping up with the Joneses, that is. That is a big one. And human beings, we're.

We're.

We're social and hierarchical animals, so we need each other, and then we need to find our pecking order. And so we are driven to compete. And when. When we take that into our modern society, we're competing with resources like money and bling and other things, and we forget that there are other. Other gifts that we can give our partners, like attention and humor and things like that. Because, you know, I don't know how many. How many relationships have suffered because it's all about trying to make money or trying to. Trying to get something, some sort of financial security. I know, I know. I did it with my marriage. When I was married, I was all. I was trying to make sure that everybody was supported. And so I was working ungodly hours and I was going to school and all this other stuff and taking away attention from. From what was going on.

Yeah. And, you know, there's. There's a wonderful part that if I don't do that consistently, I. It's almost like I get bottled up in the ability to share myself or to communicate or to speak up, because we haven't done it in so long. Right. It's. It's like if it's not a consistent muscle that we're flexing, it seems to be something that we kind of lose the ability, or shall we say, the courage to do. It's just easier not say anything. Right. Yeah.

The law of familiarity. Right. We. One of the relational things that goes on is that we are together and we get through that initial awesomeness phase, and then we just sort of exist in the same track and we become like roommates and we stop communicating with each other and we stop in. It's kind of a tragedy if you. If you think about it, because there's so much things, so many things you can share.

So true. Or. I'm in the process of writing a book called Marriage is Dead. Not because I'm anti marriage, but because I want to just dispel the idea that we get married, we find our special someone, and check. Handled. Right. It is not a checkbox. It's a very fluid, dynamic process, for sure. So indeed with this comparison piece. And by the way, if we're feeling like we're fear of missing out or, or somebody else is doing better than my partner is and I become dissatisfied in my relationship, it's important for us to remember and discover that we can present anything in the illusion of online and tech and through those pieces of technology.

Right.

And so many times I have couples that have come in, they've sacrificed some of their relationships and then they only discover and find out that the other person that they thought was perfect online is actually just maybe sometimes more challenged or messy than the person that they just let go of. And they're like, hey, we forget that. You know, behind the scenes, you know, I like to say human first, number one. I don't care what you are after that. But we're human first and by nature of that. Right. We're messy. We are so messy, just like you said.

Right. And it's just natural for us want to hide the things that we think are, are unacceptable and show off the things that are acceptable. That's just, that's just, that's just human behavior. And this is how it comes out in technology and in these platforms is that we always show our. It's always best foot forward. What's that old commercial? You only get one time to make a first impression. Remember that? And there's so much importance hung onto that, which is kind of ridiculous, you know.

Yeah. Because you've always got to do over. Right. If you mess it up, you, you can always ask for a do over and try again. Right. Take another crack at it.

Yeah, sometimes, sometimes people will do do overs.

Yeah, absolutely. So would you agree then that the technology, if we were to kind of like put it on a scale from 1 to 5, does it increase our anxiety. Right. More than it takes away or does anything for us in our relationship realm? What's your call on that?

I think, I think it's dependent on, on how you'. It, you know, it's a tool. And as long as we keep it that way, I think that's when, that's when it. Because there's nothing better than being in a. Having a bad day at work and getting this text from your loved one that says, hey, I miss your face, you know, but if that's the primary means in which I'm trying to seek connection, there's a lot of issues there. You know, we already seen that social media, while it's been this, this awesome thing at connecting people around the globe and this whole, it created a system of addiction and depression rates skyrocket because people aren't getting their dopamine hits because they don't get enough likes on their posts. And this is affecting our youth more than it is affecting a lot of people that are older, who haven't been, who have seen the evolution of this. But we have to remember that technology is here to serve us. We don't. We don't serve technology. Technology is here to serve us. And how we use that technology, I think, brings about whether it's a wholly positive or wholly negative experience. But we're going to get a blending of the two regardless.

You know, we looked up an interesting statistic that was done in a survey recently where 66% of all Americans check their phones 160 times a day. And half of those confessed to sleeping with it.

No, actually was about the same percentage, just a point or two off admitted to sleeping with their phone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's these things. These things are. Are almost attached to our hips now. We can't do anything without them. And that's. That's a. That's how that society, then that's a, That's a function of societal and. And personal psychology.

So as we. As we start to land our.

Mike. Yeah.

We're going to have you back because there's lots of things we can have fun with here. But as we start to land this particular episode, let me ask if I. So what, you know, again, with your unique, you know, combination of skill sets and experience and where you find yourself right now, what would you say? Two questions. The first one, what would you say would be the best use of technology, you know, for people that are in a similar place or people that end up in a relationship as a whole? And the number two, what would be the worst use of it?

The best use of it is. Well, it's emotionally safe. Right. We already talked about that. So it's a great way. It is a great way of meeting people. Okay. The worst you can do is relying on that to keep facilitating the connection. You have to move. You really need to move it to something where you're. You're either not. Not you're gonna not connect anymore or you're going to actually meet the person.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

Right. And that. It's a sorting tool. It's like I said, it's like going to the grocery store, you know, I go and I buy a particular brand of peaches. I come home and I eat. I don't like it. I know I'm not gonna buy that peach anymore. So it's the same thing here.

I love that. Well, Mike, thank you so much for being here. And then I know that you're here as part of the team for techtime Radio. Right there.

Yeah.

For you being here on the show with us today, and I really want. Thank you because it's been such a pleasure and such a delight. Do you, by chance have anything that you would like to say back to your team at techtime Radio?

Get a life.

All right.

All right.

A little inside joke for all of us here.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe stop throwing people under the bus. I don't know.

It wasn't too painful, right, Mike? It wasn't so bad. Were we even okay?

Yeah. You guys are great. I appreciate you guys having me on the show. It's been great.

No, it's great to have you here. So much. So, Mike, also, I want to give you a moment to let people know where they can connect more with you. Give yourself a shout out here. We'd love to give you that moment here on the show.

Oh, sure. If you're interested, you can hit me up on mikegorday.com or if you're interested in my podcast, which is separate from techtime radio is whatdrivesyou.net I'm currently between seasons and techtimeradio.com.

That'S great. We're gonna definitely have you. Come on back, Mike. Have a beautiful day. Thanks so much for being with us.

All right, you too. Thank you very much.

Thanks, Mike.

Thanks. Bye. Bye.

So, babe, you know, I'm not necessarily a poet, but I want you to know I wrote a poem and Can I. Can I share it here on the air?

You may.

Would you be okay with that?

I'm good with it.

I just. I think it was such an appropriate thing to kind of wrap up our conversation as we move into the final segments of our show. And the poem is actually originally written by a woman by the name of Louise Hay. Louise Wise. Not Hayes, but Wise. And I thought, I'm going to revise this to kind of fit our format today. So here it goes, right? So many online connections that are playing out with our posts, our likes and our dislikes. Instead of two people filling up a room, sharing and connecting as lovers do, it's what so and so just posted and what others had to say about it. It's no longer you and me, but now 23 or more and me. I no longer laugh with you, nor you with me. We laugh together because of posts and comments instead of. Right. The avoiding of sharing ourselves with each other. And the more that we do this, the more passive our relationship becomes. Our online friends permit us to walk through life with minor sharing of self and speaking parts. And the more we fail to speak, the more difficult difficult speaking becomes. Ah.

What do you think?

Nice job.

Is there potential there?

Nice job. Yes.

That was an incredible conversation. And, and I know that technology is here to stay, but, you know, we've got to actually start looking at how do we engage with technology and what is the impact and effect that it has on our relationships because we are in control of technology. I thought that was a really great point that Mike made. Like it's made to serve us, not us, serve technology. And so we have to be careful about how we engage with it, make sure that it's inspiring us and improving our lives and not breaking us down, creating more anxiety, more depression, etc. So let's go. Should we do the next one?

You bet.

We need to take a break for a minute.

Oh yeah.

So we'll be right back and kind of let that settle in and then we'll finish up with a rant and a fairy dust moment and let you know how the champagne is. We'll be right back.

Hello, I'm Nathan Mum. Join me in Mike Ruday as we host a weekly technology show that talks about technology for the everyday common person. We are a live radio program that airs Saturday from 4 to 5pm on YouTube, Facebook and Twitch. If you go to facebook.comtechtimeradio YouTube.comtechtimeradio or Twitch tvtechtimeradio, you can catch us live Saturdays from 4 to 5pm you can find us at all podcast services online from Apple to Google and everything in between.

Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to stacybartley.com fairydust staceybartly.com fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve. Solve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of Intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup. No other station delivers this much variety alternative talk 1150 safety.

Welcome back. Tom and Stacey Bartley here. Lots of moving parts. It's exciting. We are your hosts of Love Shack Live. Thanks out shout out to Mike Gorday, co host of techtime Radio. That was awesome. If you didn't get a chance to check that out, please revisit and really shared some really value, lots of value bombs there if you will, in a good way. Now we are back for as we start to land this show, we are going to share a, a fairy dust moment.

Yeah, I know. Fairy dust moment is just an opportunity where we have people call in and we actually share, you know, a moment of appreciation that coochie coochie that we talked about in our tip earlier today with someone that they love and we play that clip here for you to enjoy. It's really fun. We really love it. If you by chance when I do your own fairy dust moment, especially with Mother's Day coming up, you can go to our site and you too can leave us a fairy dust moment. We'll read them on the air as well as you can peruse other fairy dust moments that people and where you.

Find that is stacybartley.com.

Moment because we do rants too. But today we're doing a fairness so let's queue up that clip right now. This is an incredible mom who's given a shout out to her son. I don't know about you, but it really warmed my heart. I wanted to give a shout out to my son, Kyle, your sense of humor and love of life is contagious. The way you care about your wolf pack is something to see. Believe me, we all love you. Right back. Thank you for being you, the kind hearted, level headed, hysterically funny human that you are. I'm so proud to be your mom. Oh gosh, if I were a kid, I would have loved something like that. Right? Thank you so much for sending that in and for allowing us to share that on the air.

Thanks to Donnie and thanks to Carol, Brian again for sharing information and her and you know, wise insight from that.

I'm, I'm going to read a rant that came in from Carolyn. She says, why don't I see the red flags? My boyfriend sent me home on his birthday and I thought we were going to do something special. It turned out he met another gal that night that he'd known for years. And the next night he had me come back and I went, unbelievable. He did some crazy stuff like renting a movie for us to watch that had snakes in it. When he knew that I have a horrible phobia of snakes, even in a movie. How can I be more alert to red flags next time around? You know, I want to just point out that you do see the red flags. You are very privy to the red flags. It's about letting them right go by us. That's the problem. So the next time that you see a red flag, say something and make a different choice. Don't just roll over them like they don't exist. It's about doubting yourself. That's the problem. So let's spread some love.

Let's spread some love. You betcha. So, yeah, we're again, Stacy and I, look, we realize, look, everything we're doing is to acknowledge also this part of our show, Spread Some Love, acknowledge other Facebook groups, LinkedIn groups, bodies, organizations that are doing good things. And this is from Carol Bryant, and she has an awesome group called Fidos of Reality. And here's what she had to say.

I'm Carol Bryant and I am the founder offidos of reality dot com. I also own the trademark My Heart Beats Dog. You definitely want to find a partner, a spouse, a mate, a significant other who shares your love of pets. If your dog, your cat, your ferret, your rabbit is an important part of your life, you've got to find someone who feels that same connection. I have found that in being with my wife for 28 years. We share that love, and it really just works out so much better because pets are like kids. You can call them a pet, you could call them a dog, a cat, but ultimately they're like kids because they're a responsibility. So they do have an impact on the relationship if the pet gets sick. If you want to make travel plans, if there's something going on on a weekend, you have to be sure that your pet has someone available to watch them. Or if you're like us, you involve your pet in all of your activities. We love pet friendly travel. I know a lot of people do. So if you're in a relationship or you want to be in one, and you love pet pets, my best advice is to find someone who shares your philosophy and if not, show them to the door.

Show them to the door. That is. That is true. And what we're talking about here is you don't have to feel the same about something. But if you have a partner that absolutely is passionate about pets or other things in their lives, then it has to be cherished and honored instead of trying to enroll them out of their passionate experience for that.

I think that's about a wrap, Mrs. Bartley.

Yeah, it is. We have one more little piece, though. Can you feel it? And the song is really important because we want you to feel what it is we're talking about. So each week we choose a theme song for our episodes to kind of give you the essence of what it is we are communicating with you. There's the thinking and the learning, which is you listening to our voices, and then there's the feeling aspect of what it is we're talking about. And this one comes from Autumn Detsel and unfortunately, I don't think she's mainstream singer yet. She has a song literally titled Internet Addiction song. It's adorable. And she's going to sing it as she plays her ukulele. Internet addiction is not.

And we don't just to honor everybody's, you know, rights and staying legal and compliant, you know, you can go to our show notes page and every song that we we can you feel it is available there.

Yeah, it's the Love Shack playlist. You can find it on Spotify. We created just for you to have this experience.

So check it out right on our every update episode.

All right, now it's a wrap, babe. It's. It's all for today. We are Tom and Stacy Bartley, along with our guest Mike Gorday and our fabulous, incredible engineer, Eric Ryder. Thank you so much for being here with us today and listening in. Come on back next week as we continue to explore the conversations that impact our relationships. And we're going to have a little bit of fun along the way. We'll see you next week.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Show Jack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. We recommend you keep that good feeling going by getting on our fun list where you'll stay inspired and have the chance to win cool, fun stuff. Join the fun list@stacybartley.com fun that's staceybartley.com fun love the show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with us. Others you can find Love Shack live along with our past episodes wherever you listen to podcasts. You'll also catch us on YouTube and Facebook. And if by chance you're needing help and support for any of your relationship challenges, visit stacybartley.com that's S T A C I B A R T L E Y.com okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week.

You don't have to go home, but.

You can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.