#31: How To Face Loss With Peace: Endings Are New Beginnings

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack, a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is a great place for you to be today. I'm Stacy Bartley and I'm here with my lover and co host, Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of teaching single singles and couples how to love more and fear less when it comes to their relationships lives. I'm going to invite you right now to take a pause. Give yourself this time, grab your favorite beverage and come on into the low shack and join us for a little bit.

Absolutely. And a shout out to our listeners wherever you're catching us. Just a reminder, we're live every Thursday at 1:00pm on our awesome station up in Seattle, KKNW 11:50am and at the same time, do the blessed wonders of technology. We are streaming to our YouTube channel, which is Love Shack Live show, also to our Facebook page, which is Love Shack Live show. And then we're uploaded to all the podcasts. So wherever you gift us some of your most precious time, we certainly appreciate it and thank you for being with us.

We wrap our arms around all of you and say, hey, welcome in. It's great to be here with you today. And today we have a conversation about, wow, endings. Because as human beings, we're not so great about endings. We like the beginnings. We like the first perspective, hope. You know, I have a dear family member who says hope is the most important thing of all, not love. And we have conversations about that quite frequently. But hope is a critical component to us as human beings. Knowing that there's an opportunity to go again, a do over. And today I want to impress upon you and share some stories with you about how every ending is really a new beginning somewhere. And I know I'm a human being too. Sometimes we get bottled down and finding that new beginning is so challenging sometimes because maybe we don't want to do it right. We're. We're wanting what we had instead of looking for where what's next or where we go from here. So to help us with this, we have a special guest that will be joining us for the heart of the matter. Her name is Bakti Watts, and she's an end of life. Doula I mean, who better to have the conversation about endings turning into new beginnings than an end of life doula? We're going to expand your mind, we're going to expand your thinking in regards to the ways that we view endings. And let's be honest, we have a lot of endings that are upon us right now. Endings are affecting every chapter of our lives, economically, relationally, professionally, and certainly, you.

Know, in people, you know, losing their lives as well. So, yeah, this is a very, very important and, you know, this is a part of the journey that we all experience.

Yeah, absolutely. So come on back. We're going to start with what you drink and of course, as we work our way to the heart of the matter today, but it's going to be a great conversation about how you too can make endings new beginnings in your life. Ready to learn the most important thing you can do to revitalize your relationship today? Go to StacyBartly.com FairyDust StacyBartly.com Fairydust this is the number one thing Stacy teaches her VIP clients that has the power to improve the health of of your relationship today. Learn how sprinkling a little fairy dust in your relationship can stop arguments in their tracks, Rekindle your spark and take your difficult conversations from the struggle bus to easy street.

Hello, I'm Nathan Mum. Join me and Mike Ruday as we host a weekly technology show that talks about technology for the everyday common person. We are a live radio program that airs Saturday from 4 to 5pm on YouTube, Facebook. And if you go to facebook.comtechtimeradio, youTube.comtechtimeradio or Twitch TV Techtimeradio, you can catch us live Saturdays from 4 to 5pm you can find us at all podcast services online from Apple to Google and everything in between.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection. Finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacey bartley@staceybartley.com checkup.

Need help getting started with self help? You came to the right place. Alternative Talk 1150.

Hey, welcome back. Hey. We're going to jump into a juicy conversation tonight with Bhakt Ki Watts. She's an end of life doula. And she's going to help us understand and find peace in how it is that endings can become new beginnings. I mean, after we have so many times of ending upon us right now. And it's something that we've got to start embracing and talk about. Because if we don't, then all of a sudden we're trying to run from some of the challenges that we don't want to take a look at. So we're very excited to have her as our guest today. But first of all, we gotta jump in and we've gotta start where all things start, when we gather as human beings. And it always starts around something that we're drinking or that we're sharing with you or something that we're eating when we all gather face to face. And that's all gonna be possible at some point in time. I'm so excited. Moments. But imagine we're all together inside of the love shack today, and Tom and I are going to share with you what we're drinking. At least we're going to do our best, right? In our what you drink in episode. And Eric has this cute little cork thing and I'm waiting for it. Like, you know, you pop the cork and you go, sh. It's fantastic. Anyway, pretend like.

Man, look at that. Man, we're getting scary. Scripted right here, baby. This is 600 miles of synchronization. Synchronization.

And today, I mean, it's always sparkly. Why? Because it's always a time to celebrate. It's always a good time to celebrate anything. And so sparkly is kind of our thing. And today we're drinking something from France, but from France, we can't call it champagne. How do we say this?

I think we have the correct pronunciation queued up there for you.

The Bourgogne. Be fine to say crement de bourgogne. French sparkling wine. Isn't that.

It sounds very nice.

It does, doesn't it? I tried to say it clement. I think it's the only thing I got out of that. And. Right. Did I say it right, guys? The Bourgogne. It'd be fine to say crement de bourgogne. De Bourgogne. French sparkling wine.

There you go.

And sparkling wine is Gremont. Gremont is sparkling wine. And the reason why that's important when you're talking about sparkling wine is because champagne is a place. Yes, it is a wine, but it's wine that comes out of that place. It's About. Oh, I don't know how east of Paris. And Burgundy is where this particular sparkling wine is made. And that is south of champagne, the area of champagne. And the other thing that's really nice about sparkling wine that we're just going to toss in there today is that it travels through your bloodstream faster.

I didn't know that. With the bubbly. With the bubbly.

So no wonder. It's for celebration.

Yes.

Yeah.

So there is some. Some method to the chemistry.

Yeah. So all right. That little piece of fun. Get your favorite beverage. Join us. Whatever you're drinking, you're welcome. Here. Cheers, honey.

Yes. Cheers.

Great to be here with you. Yep. I better.

You betcha.

Take a step. Right now, we're going to step in to follow the fun. And today, because we're already celebrating with our French Burgundy, please.

That's obviously. Ladies and gentlemen, you can tell we're terrible. I mean, we barely do okay with English, let alone French and Italian.

Yes.

That's embarrassing.

But we're going to move on to follow up.

Beautiful.

Okay. Follow the fun is. I don't know, Eric. If you've got a he. Laughter that would be fantastic.

Throwing under the bus.

Right? I know, Eric. We're just kind of putting him on the spot.

Casey's bored right now.

We want to celebrate some life today. And that's going to be my follow the fun moment. There's a wonderful quote by Thoreau and he says, oh, God, to have reached a point of death and never have felt like I've lived. It's important for us to look at that. And so today we just want to celebrate. Eric, I had a little click in the back. Do you want to play your he? Haha. I knew it.

Look at that. Nice recovery, Mr. Writer Man.

I thought that was gonna be like a funnier line, actually. So it's gonna play the clip after the funny line. And then it was like, oh, that's more thoughtful, really.

So, ladies and gentlemen, we are live. We're not. We're not playing.

I love it. Eric. That's fantastic. It is kind of a deep thing. But here's the thing I want to impress upon you. When we're talking about follow the fun, you might be thinking of Stace. That's not very fun. I don't. I don't really want to think about that right now. But look, here's the thing. If we don't take in the reality that at some point in time we're going to be done here, then what tends to happen is we don't want to try anything and we get scared and we stop ourselves and we all of a sudden can find ourselves. I know I've had moments of this in my own life where it's like, I didn't really say what I wanted to say because I was too afraid about how it's going to be received or, you know, I didn't really allow myself to go for that thing I really wanted to do, as crazy as it might have been, because I was too afraid of what so and so was going to say or such and such was going to think. And I've never really cried and laughed so hard that I peed my pants. Like, that's the thing. Like. And if you haven't done that while you're alive on this planet, then that might be something that you want to pursue for real. Because here's the thing. Crying and laughing and allowing despair is part of the human experience. And if we deny these things, we push them away because we're afraid of them or we don't want to live in them. It kind of puts us in a never never land that really doesn't exist. So today I want to invite you to celebrate your humanness, your craziness. I want you to celebrate your inadequacies. Just celebrate you, like, write a letter to yourself. And I need 10 things about what you celebrate yourself about. Things that you can do, things that you love, things that you enjoyed, things that you want to do again that made you, like, feel alive and happy and joyful for no darn reason whatsoever. Because here's the thing. We need to embrace our humanness. And this means that we're going to make messes. We're going to forget things. We're going to get off the elevator on the wrong floor. We're going to say something stupid and everybody's going to laugh. We're going to go to put those pants on and maybe they've gotten smaller since they were wrapped around your waist. And oh, oh. And maybe when you pull your swimming suit out for the summer, you're finding. But somehow it shrank.

Might look like Fred.

Celebrate it all because it's all part of the human experience. Take it all in, because the reality is the day is going to come when your living is done. And we're going to keep talking about this today, but celebrate you today. That's my. Follow the fun moment by writing yourself a letter. Give me 10 things that you're celebrating about how amazing you are or what you've done or what you loved and what you can't wait to do again or what you hope to do and then celebrate that.

So give us an example. Exactly what would that be if someone put pen to paper right now or when it's safe to do so what would that be for you? What would that be for Stacy Bartley?

Oh, for Stacy Bartley. Stacey Bartley wants to make sure that she skydives when she turns 60. That's in like three years.

Just so everyone knows I won't be participating in that. I'll be waiting for her safe arrival when she touches down on the ground.

It's something I've always wanted to do. And yes, it's crazy. And when I share that with people, they always tell me how crazy it is and how crazy I should, you know, not do that and how unsafe. I know, I know, I know, I know. But I want to do it. And if I die doing it, that will be a good day, right? I'm also going to celebrate all the silliness. I can be pretty silly, but I.

Mean again, specific to the, you know how you would write that out.

10 things I am silly and I love it.

Thank you.

I made a huge blender yesterday and it was hilarious. Gotcha. I really screwed it up and I'm going to do a do over again. I can do that. I am creative, I am thoughtful, I am masterful, I am loving, I am et cetera, et cetera, fill in the blanks. I can't wait to do X, Y and Z.

And just a quick, you know, again, all kidding aside, there's power. I mean we don't need to tons of scientific proof. Pen to paper is a visceral important, you could also type it. But there is power when you pen to paper. So that's what we would encourage you.

And if you want to take this little follow the fun to the next level, go share it with somebody and let them do it and share it with you. And you guys are going to go down memory lane. You're going to plan, you're going to get into the space of co creation. So have some fun with us. And by the way, speaking of fun.

Speaking of fun, fun list, you need.

To get on that fun list because that fun list is just fun. And we do giveaways every month. And you know, I'm going to be honest with you and tell you there's that very many people on it. Wink, wink. So next month when the drawing comes.

You'Re gonna chances to win are better now than they will be later.

How about that? Yes. And you can get on the fun list by going to Stacy bartley.com podcasts and you'll see an opportunity for you too to get on the fun list.

Beautiful.

So, babe, I think it's time for your moment. Tom's tantalizing tip. Wisdom with us about your thoughts and feelings about the relationship journey from the male perspective. Because I know I don't give you. This is. I am. I know I hog mic. I. I hog the mic. I like to talk. I like to go on and on. I like to teach. I like to. Anyway, you get the point. Okay, take it away.

This is actually a very powerful Tom's tantalizing tip because it's, it's, you know, it's a reminder. Death, for me, is an incredible reminder of how precious life is. Long story, short story is Stacy and I are sitting here blessed and grateful to be sharing with you now in the love shack because of death. So in 2010, I had a sister pass away, unfortunately, and then seven days later, a family friend die unexpectedly, unexpectedly of a heart attack. And for me, it was a very, very, you know, powerful reminder of how precious life is. Most of us don't know when it will be our last. And I chose, it was right before Thanksgiving in 2010 to reach out to the people in my circle and let them know how much I love them and we'll share sometime the whole version of our story. But I didn't know Stacy very well, but something inside of me told me to reach out to her and just let her know that I was thinking about her. And I just gone through this very powerful within seven days, losing two people very close to me. So there's a lot of synergy amongst this. Tom's tantalizing tip on our wonderful guest coming up here shortly. So, and it is, I mean, both Stacy and ours birth fathers died in the same year, so we've experienced death as young people and then subsequently later in life as well. So it's just a reminder, we like to say in our work. We none of us know. Most of the, most of us don't know when it will be our last, our last goodbye, our last kiss, our last hug, our last meal shared. So anyway, there you go.

That's awesome. Okay, well, gosh, Tom, that's awesome. And, and our, our story really is, I mean, you and I were affected by death at a very young age. Death and has certainly been a part of our life and what we've grown up with and is kids. We've had to get comfortable with that conversation very early. On.

Yeah. Well, in fact, it was interesting that last week's show, if you haven't listened to it, we would encourage you. It was all about honoring all the mothers in the world. And so. And then this week, May 11th, is the day my. My father passed away 51 years ago. And I said to Stacey, I wonder when Mother's day was in 1970. So thank goodness for Google. Well, Mother's Day in 1970 was May 10th. So May 10th was Mother's Day, May 11th. My father passed away at 42 years old, and my mother was 40. And my mother had four boys. 18, 16, 13, which was me and seven. So talking about endings or new beginnings.

Yeah. And my father died in 1970 as well, October 9th. And there was five of us. I was the youngest at seven, and my brother was the oldest at 19. And the differences between the two of us is your family had in money and my family didn't.

Our father left us with some lice insurance and Stacy's mom. No. But, you know, again, wherever you find yourself in that, you know, incredibly new journey, I guess you'd like to say, a new place of. Of either possibility or you could just kind of throw in the towel. Both of our mothers were amazing of how they navigated that, especially at that time of history. It was not nearly like it is now.

Yeah. And so to help us have this conversation about how endings can be new beginnings today, because let's be honest, we are all facing some form of loss. It could be the death of somebody close to us or the pandemic that we've just been experiencing. It could be the loss of a job, a loss of a business. It could be the loss of many things, a loss of a relationship.

I mean, there's a lot of people deciding that what where they were is not working anymore.

Yeah. So we wanted to have somebody come in and help us with this conversation. And I'm so delighted to share with you that right here today in the Love Shack, we have a very special guest for you. Her name is Bhatki Watts, and she's an end of life doula, and she's certified by the International End of Life Doula association. She in 2015, trained with Living well and went on to train with Dying well in the uk. She's also a hospice volunteer and an in home care partner and has volunteered even at the Doogie center in Portland where she served grieving children and their families. She's also a Reiki practitioner. We want to welcome Bhakti to the show right now to Join us.

Hi.

Hi.

Yes. Welcome. Welcome. Isn't technology a wonderful, wonderful thing?

It certainly can be. And it can be a little stressful at times too.

I know. I think everybody's got their blood pressure up today, huh? That's good. We just need a little more sparkling wine, honey. We're going to be best for. Right.

Would you pour me a little of that?

So, Bhatki, where I'd love to start in you sharing with us is how it is you came to do the work that you do. I think there's a lot of people who are fascinated about, gosh, I didn't even know an end of life doula was something that you could do and, and what would lead one to do the work, that precious sac work that you do too. Tell us a little bit about that, would you?

Well, I was doing in home care for about 16 years and I worked with all kinds of elderly people and enjoyed them so much. And what I was really struck by is they each had different conditions and they were so creative at dealing with those conditions. And I was very impressed. And you know, so that was kind of in me. That experience was in me. And then I had a couple of deaths of people in my family that were close. My husband died in December of 2011 and then my mom unexpectedly died about three months before he did. So those two deaths were really, I mean, yeah, you can't really prepare.

So.

But they were both each very special in their own way. And so, you know, it made me realize what a special time the end of life is. And you know, I myself had had a near death experience when I was 23 and that kind of taught me that there's really a fine line between being here and not being, being here. So then I, I didn't know end of life doula training was a thing either. So I was dealing with my grief for a few years and you know, it never goes away, but you always work on it. And then I heard in 20, probably it was 2014 when I learned about end of life doula training. And I just knew right then that that was what I wanted do to.

To do.

So, you know, I. Where do I sign up? And so I did.

That is so great. You know, it goes to highlight that we all have a special unique place that we feel like we belong, right? And sometimes we just don't search long and far enough for it. But there's one place where we all kind of, maybe there's many places, not just one, but there's a place where we all go yeah, that's for me, this is my thing. I want to do that. Whether it's whistling or end of life Doula, I want to ask you, I know this is kind of a loaded question, but it's something that came up for me as I was putting this show together that maybe is on the hearts and minds of many of our listeners. What do you know about the ending of death that the rest of us should know? Well.

I guess what I would say what I have learned about it is, is that you never know what it's going to look like, you know, and for each of us, it's different. And it feels to me from having attended many people now, that it's. It ends in the perfect way for the person. And we can't always tell. I mean, when as onlookers, we don't always know why that is, but it seems very. I don't know, I just have this felt experience in me that that's what it is, that how we go is the way we're meant to go. And we get our lessons right up to the end. I think. I don't think we stop learning until the very end. So if people are hanging on and people can't feel, figure out why it's. I. It's often I think that they have a little more work to do, a little more learning to do.

Wow, that's. That's profound. So it's. It's a creative process for the individual, just like life is overall. Right. Where we're figuring it out as we go is what we say in our body of work, step by step by step by step. And the experiences that you have in your life are always a byproduct of. Right. The choices that you make personally. So it's always going to be the perfect journey for you, up to and including even the way that you die, right?

Yes, that's exactly right.

Wow, that's just profound. And so if you could. How could you give us some tips and tools in regards to how to prepare with death? We know that it's a part of life, but it's not a part of life that we like to talk about necessarily. Right. It's a part of life that we would kind of like to put off and think isn't going to happen. It's a sobering thought and I call it even a taboo subject in the work that I do because it's kind of like around sexual and poop. Right. We've got to talk about these things because they, they are important to our lives. As human beings. So, and death is certainly one of those topics. Right? What are, what are some things that you have used with your clients that help us kind of find peace around this idea of death and then, and then maybe encouraging people to turn and face it, to start to look at it.

Well, I loved your list that you were talking about earlier about making a list of what, what's wonderful about you. And, and also I think it's a good idea to make a list about what are the things that are, are basic to your being that you really want to have present in your life till the very end as much as possible. So for us, if we think of that for ourselves, then we can, we really can live fully and we can accept, express to others what we want at end of life, which is really important thing. And then if we're working with someone else who's dying, it's a wonderful thing for them to, to have those questions asked about what's really important to you and maybe creatively determine how you can keep those things in the person's life for as long as possible. Like say, for instance, if they had been a musician and now they can't play the music anymore. Well, of course you could play certain music that they really love for them. You could bring someone in who plays the instrument that they used to play and have that person play for them. You could really think of ways to help them to have that in their lives for the, you know, until the very end. So I think that's something that's really important to do. And then the other thing is, I think it's important for us in our lives to reconcile with people if we've had a falling out, like to try to have that conversation with them of, you know, maybe we didn't see eye to eye, but I really still care about you. I really still have. Feel strongly that I have a connection with you. And if that's not possible, you might need to write them a letter and not. Or, and mail it or not mail it. And the same for someone who's dying. It's important for them to have a sense of peace about their life. And so to, to have them write letters or visit with somebody that they've had a problem with and, you know, it's their last chance to really kind of settle. Settle things. And it's a really, it's really powerful and beautiful for them to, to be able to do that. One other thing, I'll just say help that if you can help them to review their life, that's Part of determining what's been important to them. But also it's good for people who are getting near to death to be able to see what they've accomplished and the good things that they've done. Because especially when they're ill, they might lose track of that. So we can kind of hold that space for them of here's who you are, you know, and bring that with us every day when we go to visit them is, you know, I'm holding who you are and talk to them a little bit about that because it's really good for them to be reminded who they are and who they have been.

That's so great. The phrase that came to my mind just now was remember when. Remember when, yes. Right. And we take this trip down memory lane. I love that because it's interesting. As human beings, even when we're not having a near death experience, endings tend to bring up those places inside of us where we start reviewing. But it's interesting, the majority of us have a tendency to review things from the negative instead of reviewing it from all the wonderful things that I've done or explained, experienced or had at this time of loss. What I'm reviewing is the loss in all of the things that I didn't get or I didn't arrive at. We tend to go there.

Right, right.

And instead of celebrating like you're suggesting, all of the ways that I have lived, I have created, I have experienced, I have done. And that's so empowering versus minimizing.

Right, right. And even if somebody's starting to go down that negative path, you can help them to think of ways that those things have been there. You know, maybe not in that particular situation that they, maybe they didn't have courage in the one situation. But think of all the other times that they had courage. So you can really help them to kind of shine the light in a little bit more positive direction.

And let me ask if, if I may, you know, you. What I've read and I'm sure you can let me know if I'm correct or not, that many times when people are, you know, going towards the end or at the end of their, of their time, you know, it brings up a lot of opportunities for like you had shared to have those conversations perhaps that they didn't have and whatnot. So rather than waiting to the end, I mean, that's wonderful, Please don't get me wrong. But what would you, how would you encourage us to look at? I like to say create the conditions that make the result inevitable. Now Meaning how can we. Environment matters. In our body of work, we like to say what you need for people to connect, especially lovers, spouses, husbands, is permission and safety. So what would you say are the ingredients that we could take what you get the privilege to be a part of? What. Where could we put that into our relationships now and have those conversations that oftentimes are not had until the end?

Well, I once knew someone who had a pet phrase, and he would say, give them the flowers now. And I really love that because I think, you know, we really need to get in the habit of expressing how important people are to us because sometimes we get just used to being with people and we forget to say, you know, I really love this about you, or I really treasure this about our relationship. So I think that that's a wonderful thing that we can do right along. And I have heard people at, you know, when they're sitting with somebody at end of life, it. It's beautiful then too, you know, but it. If you can do it right along, I think it's really, you know, it kind of just sets. It just sets the tone for the relationship to be a little bit more meaningful and for the two of them, two of you to be a little bit more connected.

I couldn't agree with that more. In fact, we have a whole framework around spreading fairy dust, because if there was ever a fairy dust for relationships, this would be it. To feel heard, to feel appreciated, and to feel like I matter to someone. And with a. With a little bit of knowledge there and those three things, we can really show up in a powerful way and dismantle fights and let the people that are closest to us know how much we. We care about them. Right? We want to hear what they have to say. We want to appreciate them. We want them to know that they matter to us. And then we ourselves can advocate for that within our side. I just feel like you're not hearing me. I just am feeling unappreciated. I just need to feel like I matter because I don't. And it really kind of gives us a shortcut to addressing things that are at the heart of the matter with our relationships with human beings.

That's very true.

I love how you said, let's do that now, and I couldn't be more excited. And so celebrate that. Let's do it now. Why are we waiting until the end? We could have this part of our journey all the way through our life, right? So I want to talk a little bit about the ability to let go, because I see that. That really hangs us up as human beings. Like, it's. It's. Sometimes we're clinging so. So ferociously to what was or not wanting to let go that we then can't step forward and embrace that open door that's staring us right directly in the face. Right. And we refuse to move, which kind of gridlocks us in time and time passes, whether we're, you know, embracing that open door, that new beginning, or we're still clinging to the. To the loss, to the ending of what once was. Could you speak to that a little bit with. For us?

Well, I think it's really important when someone's grieving to talk about it, you know, to really, like, open up and tell as many of your friends as possible for as long as they will listen that. About what. What was meaningful about this relationship for you? What was meaningful about this person so that they kind of understand where your grief is coming from. And so. And the more times that you talk about that, the more you realize the parts of the relationship that are in you, that are part of you, so that you kind of can. I mean, the grief runs its own course, but you can start to see that this relationship is inside of you. This relationship is a part of you. And even though the person is not physically present with you anymore, you still have that, and that has changed you forever. So in that way, they're still. They're still present in certain ways. I got a piece of art today from a friend and. And it says nothing is lost. And I think that that's, you know, the physical body may be. Have changed form, but really the essence of what you had with that person still exists.

No, I love that. And, and you know, I can totally relate to that on a personal level. I had many experiences, experiences after losing my dad at a really young age that when I was going through a really difficult time, as, you know, my years of 17 through, I don't know, 47, took a long time to show up my friend. Anyway, as I was going through difficult times, especially in my youth, I would have dreams about my father and I would. I would hear his voice in my head and I could awake to these things, moments, and they would really fill me with a lot of hope and joy. And I think that's so spot on because they are a part of us and sometimes we forget that they aren't. I also want to highlight that that isn't just true with people, but that's true with experiences that you have. Right? Because sometimes maybe we're letting go of a business or we're letting go of an experience, a house, you know, with everything that we're being called and asked upon to let go of. I think the whole pandemic is giving us a gift of embracing this idea that ending can become new beginnings. Right. As we're watching things just kind of break down and. And not be the same for many, many aspects of our lives that we used to cling to and thought we were always going to have and that we're going to be there to support us. And so those experiences that we've had, those things that we've done, they're always a part of us. In fact, they're still good things. Right. When I have couples that are facing divorce, I always say, celebrate the good things. All the good things that you created together still count. It matters.

Right. And you're moving forward to create from a new place, you know, having had that relationship with someone, you know, when you're. When you go to take that next step and. And create something new, that you are a different person than. Than the person that created something the last time. So you're taking that with you to create something even, even better and even more satisfying to who you are now.

I love that you brought that up, because in relationships, we tend to forget that little nugget that we're going to get better at them as we go, just like anything else. Right. The only thing that creates us from really experiencing the relationships that we truly long for is we stop.

Yes.

We won't try again. We won't give our hearts again. We won't express how we feel again. Right. We stop ourselves.

Right.

And we say crazy things like, I never want to give my heart again. I'm never going to let people know how I feel again. I. All men, all women are fill in the blank. Right, Right, Right. Yes. And I want to dismantle some of those stories that keep us in stop position because they're not true. That was experience for you, and it was valid. What can we learn from it and then go again, try again. Right. Just as you said, we're going to get better at it as we go. And the person that you're going to step into being again is not the person that you were when you started. I love that.

And it's fascinating to see what you attract to yourself from that new place, you know? Yeah.

I. I know in my own relationship history, I can literally track it. Like, I can look back at my previous significant relationships and I can see where I myself am growing. I'm getting better at showing up, at not, you know, pleasing so much about advocating for myself, a little better about getting the idea. I remember one of my. My boyfriends that. Grabbing my little shirt and saying, you're a princess. Value yourself, you know, and that was huge for me because I didn't, you know, and to have somebody in your exterior kind of help you along in those journeys, I think that's the point of lovers in the first place, right? It's not about whether the relationship lasts or not. It's about, gosh, you being part of the journey and growing in it. If you want to put your personal growth on steroids, go ahead and get into a relationship. It's going to take care of everything. So any. Any stories that you feel you want to share with us to kind of drive what you're sharing with us home today?

Well, I. I guess I. There is one story of my. A friend of mine, his dad was. His. His wife was in India on a pilgrimage, and. And so he was home and his dad was in an assisted living. And. And his dad decided right at that time that he didn't want to do kidney dialysis anymore. And so my friend called me and said, can you come? And I said, sure, I'll be happy to. So I went there and it was kind of. They had had kind of a tumultuous relationship right along because they were kind of the same type of people. And so they had a little trouble sometimes getting along. But it was the most beautiful, one of the most beautiful scenes that I've been a part of. And I will just say that I was sitting at the foot of the bed holding his dad's foot, and he was sitting next to the bed and talking to his dad. His dad was not conscious any longer, but he was, I'm sure, hearing. And he was telling his dad all the things that he loved about him, like we talked about doing earlier. And he just kept. I. He thought of so many things. He just kept going, you know, and it was just the most beautiful. I mean, so heartful and such a beautiful. Such a beautiful way to send somebody on their. On whatever their next step is, you know, to send them on their journey and to say goodbye. So that was. That was one that really touches me when I think about it, every time I think about it.

Oh, and I imagine myself in that same place and I think, boy, what a wonderful way to go, having the people that you love around you, reminding you of all the things that they love and appreciate about.

Well, and. And again, from what you hear, it's. It's the things that we didn't say or share that. And you correct me if I'm wrong, Bucky, that that leaves us with all that great regret. So what a beautiful contribution you were able to provide that son with his dad where he literally was able to share everything he needs needed to say.

Right?

Yeah. And. And also it was, I think, was beautiful for him and for me to have a witness. There was really, you know, some. Something special about that too, to have another person hearing it. So, you know, you're. You're saying it for yourself. You're saying it for the person who's dying, and you're saying it. You're proclaiming it to somebody else. It was great in that way, too.

Well, so, gosh darn it, we're gonna have to have you come back and continue this conversation. Yeah, we've got to land this conversation, but. And I. And I have three takeaways and bhakti. It was something that you had said about an advanced directive, which was a wish on paper, and I loved that. Which we don't think of as an advanced directive when we're really looking at death as a. As wishes on paper that somebody can support us in. So I would like to give that as a takeaway from our conversation. A plan creates a sense of peace, even in times of death. Yes. So whatever our new beginning is, when we have a plan of how it is we're going to experience it or what we want to see happen through that loss, that significant loss. I think this is why ritual is so important as we let go and work through our grief. Would you agree?

Yes. Oh, I definitely agree with that. You know, because each. Each grief has something about it that makes it particularly difficult for the person feeling it. And. And if you can listen to that story and hear what those things are that are particular to them, you can create a ritual that will really help. Help to put those out there. You know, kind of help them to witness those things and help them to have something lasting that they can take, that they can take with them and that can accompany them in their grief.

Oh, wow. That's. That's. That's huge. That was worth the whole conversation right there, folks. The second thing that I would say is let's celebrate what we've experienced and enjoyed in our lifetime of experience.

Yes.

We all need to do a better job of that. Like, regardless of what we're going through, we all need to find moments of celebrating what you have experienced and what you do enjoy. Right. And what you enjoy about being alive. And the third, I would say, is let go and live now. We don't know what time it is, meaning we don't know how much time we have. So if we don't get better at talking about these things, working with our grief, the things that keep us stuck, it prevents us from embracing that new beginning that is knocking on our door, saying, it's going to be okay. This is just paving the way for you to step into what's next. Come on, it's going to be great. And you're going to love this too. You are so going to love this too.

You're going to survive and you're going to thrive.

So give us some ideas of how someone can find an end of life to doula in their area.

Uhhuh.

Okay, so the people that I trained with in Nelda, I. It's. It's an acronym. I N E L D A stands for International End of Life Doula Association. They have a directory and so you can go to their website and you can put in your zip code and you can find an end of life doula in your particular area. And some sometimes when people contact me, I'll work with them a little bit by zoom, and then if they find that they're needing somebody closer to them, then we can. I can help them find a doula that will be, you know, I can tell exactly how far the person is from them and. And make some recommendations.

Oh, that's perfect. And how can people contact you?

They can contact me through my website, which is bhakti watts.com and let's spell bhakti B B H A K T.

I. I love that. Because we don't want people to miss it.

Yeah.

Thank you so much. Bhakti. It's so great to have you with us.

It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much.

Yes, thank you very much.

So, babe, I'm thinking that maybe we need to step into our Spread the love moment.

Spread the Love moment? You betcha. I have a little bit of a surprise for you for Spread the love Moment. So, yes, if you've been following our show, we spread some love around many different Facebook groups and bodies of work and, you know, just all types of people doing great work in the loving relationship space. But I thought how about if we. And we don't do this very often, but how about if we spread some love about the work that we do?

Wow, honey, what a great idea.

So I'm going to ask Eric to queue up a wonderful client that called in and just shared his experience working with us.

Hi, my name is Aldo. I'm from Denver, Colorado, and I met Stacy and Tom about two years ago. I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless. I'd been through other counseling and coaching methods and didn't find any success. With Stacy and Tom's methods. I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit holing, although not completely, but I'm able to get back to a more neutral and stable ground. I was separated from my wife for a year and I have since moved back home for the last six months now. It's still challenging and I still refer back to a lot of the teaching that Stacy and Tom provided. And it's helped me. It's helped me to be okay with where I am, what my expectations are, what my value is, what my boundaries are, and more importantly, just be okay with myself and whatever happens, whatever direction my relationship goes in the future. So it's a continued process. It's work. It's not easy, but in the end, it's well worth it.

Wow, babe, thank you so much. Thank you. That's why we do what we do. Love that guy. So love that. Kyle though, you're doing awesome. Thank you so much for that. We're going to wrap up this episode today with can you feel it? It's a song that we play as a theme song for these episodes. You've got to catch it on our Spotify list, which you can get on our website stacybartley.com podcast today there was just nothing more appropriate than Michael buble is feeling good. And I've said to Tom, play this at my funeral. I really want this song he sings. It's a new dawn, It's a new day for me and I'm feeling good. So babe, let's land this. I think it's time for us to go.

Thanks very much everybody for joining us. We really look forward to being with you. Next week we've got a special episode all about mental health awareness. It's our only three time guest on our show so you can maybe figure that out. If you look at the different episodes, you'll only see maybe one person that's been on there twice and now it'll be his third time and he's actually very well connected to us as well.

Yes, he is. Thank you so much for being here with us. A special thanks to Bhakti Watts and our fabulous engineer Eric Ryder. We love creating with you, my friend. Thanks for being here and listening in. Come on back next week and if by chance you need some help and support with us from us for your relationship challenges or letting go or embracing an open door that is staring you right in the face, don't hesitate to reach out to us. We're here. Look forward to connecting with you all again next time right here in the Love Shack.

Bye for now, everybody.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toe tingle. We recommend you keep that good feeling going by getting on our Fun List where you'll stay inspired and have the chance to win cool, fun stuff. Join the fun list@staceybartley.com fun that's stacybartley.com fun love the show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. You can find Love Shack Live along with our past episodes where wherever you listen to podcasts, you'll also catch us on YouTube and Facebook. And if by chance you're needing help and support for any of your relationship challenges, visit stacybartley.com that's S T A C I B A R t l e y.com okay, everybody, time to go.

Go.

We got to close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.