#32: Mental Health Awareness Month: The Best Ways To Support A Loved One

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations. Boy, have we got one for you today. And uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship or man, you're single and know you gotta do better next time, this is a great show for you. I am Stacy Bartley and I am here with this handsome, gorgeous man, my lover and partner. And yeah, we're married. I gotta start saying that because of a book that we're writing. But long story short, we've been serving and loving on people from around the world for the past decade and we spend our time literally thinking of about ways that we can create more love and less fear in the world, both with ourselves and with others. So I'm going to encourage you to take a pause right now. Give yourself the gift of this time. Grab your favorite beverage because that's going to become important and gift yourself some time with us.

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Hey.

And for all of our listeners, if you're looking for some great topic and you're waiting and you're waiting, I'm going to encourage you to not wait and get on over to our website and message us and say hey, when are you going to do a topic or what I'd like to talk about here is blah. And we'll talk more about that throughout the show.

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On an upcoming show, our grandkids would say, oh, grandpa, that's so Boomer.

I know, sorry, but I'm a detail guy. They call me Radar. You know, I'm two steps ahead of Stacy because she's the creative genius of all this.

That's true, that's true. Today we have a conversation that's coming your way. It's on mental health because we are celebrating mental health awareness and we are going to be talking about the best ways to support yourself if by chance you find yourself struggling right now in the wake of COVID 19, millions of us are experiencing new mental health challenges. So a lot of us are struggling right now. And if we by chance we're already struggling with some kind of a mental health challenge that we felt like we had a handle on, well, you know what, that's been exacerbated in whole new ways that now we're having to come face to face with. And so we have a wonderful little mini panel the likes of which is an incredible guest that we have that's going to be joining us live as well as many, many voices from people who are contributing to the mental health awareness conversation that's happening all month. And we wanted to do our part by covering this topic right here on the show.

Let me just add, it's actually this is the first ever. May 20, 2021, if you're listening live, is the first mental health action day.

That's really cool, babe, because that's, that's today.

Like that is today. If you're listening live, that is today.

And another really fun idea is this mental health awareness conversation has been happening since 1949. That's when it was recognized and official claimed as the mental health awareness month. So we're joining this very important conversation right here today in the Love Shack. We're going to commit to increasing your understanding and transforming the awareness into empowering life giving action with voices of individuals and organizations who are moving the needle of mental wellness for us all. We hope that you'll stay tuned and join us for this very important conversation. We'll be right back in a minute with we got to start with what you drinking because that's how all great conversations begin. And we'll be right back.

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Street.

Hello, I'm Nathan Mum. Join me in microday as we host a weekly technology show that talks about technology for the everyday common person. We are a live radio program that airs Saturday from Friday 4 to 5pm on YouTube, Facebook and Twitch. If you go to facebook.comtechtimeradio, youTube.comtechtimeradio or Twitch tvtechtimeradio, you can catch us live Saturdays from 4 to 5pm you can find us at all podcast services online from Apple to Google and everything in between.

Seattle, Tacoma, Antwerp. That's right. We're streamed worldwide on our app and on the web@1150 kknw.com.

Welcome back everybody. We are Tom and Stacy Bartley, hosts of Love Shack Live. Good to have you here along with our awesome engineer Eric Rider. He is at the Spaceship Enterprise up there in KKNW in Seattle and together we are going to if you're just joining us, we have a very important conversation. Stacy shared. If you're just joining us, Mental Health Awareness Month Today actually is the first ever Mental Health Action Day. I love that. So taking what you're hearing, our intent is to have you put this into action. Together we are going to increase your understanding and transform your awareness into empowering life. Giving action with voices of individuals and organizations who are moving the needle of mental wellness for us all. So please join us for this many but mighty mental health panel discussion. Powerful voices who serve tireless Tirelessly. That's a tirelessly and for sure tirelessly to remove the stigma and empower us all to a place of mental wellness.

We're really excited to say that our main guest today who will be joining us here on the show is a TEDx speaker, mental health advocate and family member. You heard that right, David Woods Bartley. And you guys are going to hear us refer to him as Woody because we can't help ourselves. You'll also be hearing from Sue Carrello, who is an author and therapist. Diane Mintz, who is a mental health speaker and advocate. But before we jump into the heart of the matter, babe, we've got to begin where all great conversations begin. Because if you were with us personally inside the love shack where maybe someday we could create that, wouldn't it be so cool where you get to come into the love shack and we get to say, okay, here's what we're drinking today. Sit on down.

So we're going to invite you in virtually. We're going to invite you in virtually with the powers that, that we're all using right at this moment. Yeah. What? You know, because again, you know, think about it. When you come together, it's usually over something nice to drink and something nice to eat.

Yeah. Even if it's a glass of water, it doesn't have to be fancy. So Tom and I always start our segments with what you drink. And we have a, we're going to turn this. And we're going to put this, a sparkling wine conversation on its head today because what we're about to share with you is going to blow your mind. We are going to mix it. Now, when does anybody ever mix sparkling wine into a cocktail? Well, Thomas Stacy do and man, it's delicious. We have one right here for all of you who are watching us on video. This baby is amazing.

And before you say, oh my God, that sounds gross. You know what? You know what? Be careful. I know. I said, honey, no, please don't mess with the taste of Prosecco. I have to say, pretty darn tasty. Yeah.

So here's what it is, you guys, really quickly. I want to give you the recipe. It is one part coconut water or milk if you like milk. You like things a little creamy, perfect. One part 6 ounces to be exact, ginger beer. It's also a huge squeeze of lime juice. And on the top you put a little bit of Prosecco. It's incredible. And Tom and I, we can't get over the 6.99 bottle of Prosecco that you can find at your local Costco. If you're states, we know that there's worldwide listeners listening to our show. And that's awesome. I Wish you had a Costco, but you probably don't. Maybe they do. They are worldwide and they probably have better Prosecco than we do.

Well, I don't know.

But. So cheers to this.

Cheers to this.

Whatever you're drinking right now, please know that we're here and we're sipping and we're listening and we're going to step into a wonderful conversation.

And a little spoiler alert, we're going to have a. Or we're going to have something fun. We're gonna, we're gonna shake this whole sparkling wine thing up. Next weekend, we're working on some things behind the scenes for bringing some more excitement and, and, and true authenticity to this what you drinking segment of our show.

Well, and you know what? We already know that next week we're going to have an incredible sparkling wine that's only fermented once. And for any of you who know anything about sparkling wine, like, that's like what?

Yeah, it's way outside the box.

Way outside the box.

Okay, here we go.

Today is way outside the box. So again, coconut water and milk, ginger beer, lime juice, and you top it all off with whatever your Prosecco or favorite sparkling wine is. It's wonderful on a summer day because it's coming. Put it on some ice. Enjoy. Sip slowly. It's going to put a smile on your face. It's going to make a smile happen on your heart, and it's going to make your toe tingle, I promise. So enjoy. I guess we're just going to step in to follow the fun. Like we got to do that. There's nothing that will enhance your life in any kind of a moment. Then putting the problems on the shelf and just taking a moment to have a little bit of fun. And it doesn't have to take a lot of time. I know for myself, I've been through some ups and downs, just like pretty much everybody has in their life. That seems to be a human thing. By the way, if you're. You're wondering right now if this is something that's just happening to you, it's not. It happens throughout our lifetimes, and everything is kind of like highlighted and on steroids because there's so much up and down happening that we're all being required to navigate.

Well, and I would just. Look, we're not being disingenuous or we're not like you guys have checked out. I mean, we're talking about a very, very important and. And significant conversation with mental health and mental wellness and mental illness. But Stacy and I are passionate about. Look, our clients come to us with a lot going on, a lot of, of, of a lot of issues about I would say. And you know, we always encourage them. Look, look, remember. And if we wait to have something that speaks to us, some follow the fun until we get it all figured out, guess what? We're never going to have any fun. We're never going to be having any fun. So we're not, we're not disconnected, we're not trying to be Pollyanna or. But we're encouraging all of us to like, look, we like to say, you can put that up on the shelf, it's not going anywhere. And take a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours and follow the fun, follow the spark, do something that, that changes, that changes your biology, your physiology.

And I learned this follow the fun tip that I'm going to share with you today. When I was newly married as an.

18 year old girl, that's before me.

Ladies and gentlemen, that was. We came together much older in our lives, shall we say, or better, more mature. Yeah, yeah. Thankfully, I think maybe we're still working on that part.

We digress. Now we're back on track. Here we go.

I would imagine being married to a person that you had just broken up with, you found yourself pregnant as a high school girl at 17. I'm now 18, I'm about ready to have a baby. We've moved into our apartment and I'm trying to figure life out. I'm trying to go, what just happened? Well, it just seemed to happen at that point in time. Michael Jackson's new Off the Wall album came out.

Wow.

And I just remember reaching for it when I would feel myself slipping away or really struggling on days that were really difficult. And I would put that record on and all I would do is start to move. I would just start to dance. And I come from a dancing background. I've always loved to dance. It's always been something that's made me feel just a little bit better. And so it's been something that since that day got me through so many rough times that I go back to again and again and again and again. So I want to share that with you today. I want you to know that at any moment you can put your problems on the shelf and you can put on some dance music and you can start moving. Oh yeah, huh?

Right.

Think I better dance now.

Oh yeah. See? Wow. And. And this song ironically was one that used to get me started and I start moving a little bit and then I would start Dancing, I work it out. And as my kids grew older and I ended up having many kids, six to be exact, we would dance together when we didn't know what else to do, right when maybe there were some challenges afoot, mom and dad weren't getting around and along so well, or we were just looking for something to kind of re. Energize us for the day, we would put on the music and we would start to dance well.

And I'm going to step in as the science geek. Stacy usually is the science geek of our. Of our partnership, but. But absolutely confirmed via Science the chain. Excuse me. The quickest way to change our state is by moving.

Yes, there is.

No, believe me, that's not me. That is scientifically proven.

So this is a big super tip right here to follow the fun.

Not only follow the fun, but follow change your state quickly. We've got to move.

And so when we dance, it releases endorphins in our body, and this chemical triggers positive energy and good vibes. So these endorphins help to improve our emotional state and reduce our perception of pain. That's why it's. If we start dancing, we start to feel just a little bit better. So I'm going to encourage you this week or maybe for the rest of your life, when you're feeling a little down, put on some dance tunes, man, and just let it move. You start dancing and you'll be surprised. I love it. You'll be surprised how much better you feel. And listen, if. Oh.

We could just sit here and play that and we'd be blessed out and we're sorry to go. No, we've got lots of things to cover here.

Hey, if you need more tips like this, we're going to encourage you to get on our Follow the fun list. And you can Access that@stacybartley.com. just hit that podcast button that Boomer Tom talked about earlier, and you're going to be able to go to Getting on the List, and we're going to send you weekly tips on how to get more fun as well as we do giveaways once a month. We're going to have one coming up here soon, so get on over there. We learn how to play.

Our giveaway is our first Thursday of every month.

Yes, absolutely. So moving on with the show. Right. I got it. I can't stop moving now. It's all in my head.

Take a better dance now.

But you've got some things that you need to share. Now. In the spirit of full disclosure, we created this segment of the show because I do tend to hog the conversation, and Tom has lots of great things to say say, so we're gonna let him, Sam. But, honey, you got. You got like, two minutes, okay?

Not even minutes, because we've got this. No.

Okay. So.

So, yeah, Tom's tantalizing tip. So this is a big one in many regards.

What do you have coming up, babe?

I say, you know, to wait or not to wait. There's just an amazing amount of. Of synergy here with this show and my own journey and my family's journey and the last several shows. But to sum it up, oftentimes we wait in our body of work. We teach and coach and mentor. We have a physical body and an emotional body, and they're both very, very important. And a lot of us will kind of air towards or tip or kind of, you know, be more grounded or rooted in one place or the other. They're both very, very important. But my point in sharing here is I've waited too long. Again, both of these bodies will give us incredible signals and sign we oftentimes ignore or put off or think, oh, gosh, I don't have time for that now. And we kind of go to that what Stacy, I like to call the hope and pray strategy. You know, hope it. It's going to go away or, you know, it will get better with time. And it doesn't. Well, I'm thankful to say I'm having knee replacement surgery. If you're watching us live tomorrow, which is all good, people say, oh, my gosh, no, it's all good. Celebrate. Because I've known for, like, a minimum of four years. We were told by other health professionals that that knee is shot. So anyway, you know, we're going to be coming into the heart of the matter here. And so if we're having these signals that were designed, we say, gus, God, universe, and spirit has so wonderfully designed us all, then it's up to us to pay attention to them and.

And.

And use them as the signal. We don't have to be afraid of them. But they're.

They're the. The.

That divine providential signal that we all have, whether that's emotionally or physically or combination of both to. To act when it's probably more often than not, I would say, not to be generalized or prejudicial or. But for me, I've waited too long on this physical signals. I've had, like, significantly longer. So I am very excited because Stacy loves to dance. And dancing, interestingly enough, is, like, one of the Most painful experiences I can have with all of my. This is the year of the rebuild. Ladies and gentlemen.

Let me just ask you. Do you feel like you've waited too long? And, and how is that? I think there's two key points here that I would like to ask. If I were sitting in the room with you, I would ask, number one, do you feel like you've waited too long to address this physical problem that's been screaming at you?

Yes.

And number two, how has it affected you emotionally in your emotional body?

Well, significantly because it's just I'm, I'm sad because I'm not able to do a lot of the things that I love to do do and one of them is to be able to dance with my wonderful wife because. Interesting because I usually go kicking and screaming. But when I get out there, it's incredible because Stacy's, she just leads and I follow. Kind of like the show here, you know, I'm like the Ed McMahon. If you're old enough to realize, you know, Ed McMahon with Johnny Carson just occasionally would chime in the easiest job in the world. So I don't have to do a lot but it's fun, it's movement and I know how much joy it brings to Stacy. But literally it causes me so, but many, I did a lot of years of very significant exercise and physicality and I'm not able to do most of those things now. So yeah, it has great compromise my physical abilities. So yes, I've waited too long.

Well and, and then where I'm going is does it lead to maybe doubting yourself? Does it lead to a dimmed out light on life?

No question.

Does it decrease your confidence and capability with inside of yourself?

Yeah, I mean I, I, you know, I, I, by design I, I chose to here where we live in Northern California, outside of Sacramento. It's, it's a real haven for people that like to do endurance athletics. Because of the CL and the topography and geography, we don't get snow. So people that like to train all year round love coming here. And I was, I trained with some people by design over many years to teach myself how to go past the point of, of where most of us can go. And so I identified a lot of, of that with myself and my rigor. I've lost a lot of my rigor. I told, I've shared with Stacy a lot of times I might that well, that we go to is, is not there anymore, you know. And so like dang, I don't, I don't have that. So I'm going to be skipping into the surgery center tomorrow morning, you know, and saying, let, let's rock.

Because, you know, you're getting your life back.

Yes.

And so, you know, to wait or not to wait, it depends on where you are sometimes. And most of the time we tend to wait too long because we don't know what to do. And so we wait and we hope and we cross our fingers and yet sometimes waiting, we don't realize there's a price for waiting as well. And so we all need to kind of look at, oh, yes, when is it time to go and when is it not time to go? And I think for your surgery babe, we probably should have done that about four years ago.

Yeah. I mean, again, you know what, you know, what if you use, you know, auto or Google Maps or, you know, you know, recalibrating. So we're all constantly recalibrating, you know, but I mean, I mean, yeah, that, that's this constant. But I would just encourage all of us to use, especially with our Heart of the Matter coming up momentarily, you know, these, when we get these signals that there's no finer signal than all of us have, whether that be physically or emotionally. And our guest, you know, my brother's going to talk about, you know, we need to use these as indicators and they're be afraid of them, you know, use them as a great gift that they are as simply the compass, you know, a little to the left, a little to the right, you know. And then now take our next best step because without that, we'd lose momentum. We're in an energy. We're all swimming in the sea of energy. And I've lost momentum. I mean, my tank's out of gas.

That's good.

It's really good. And this emotional body and this physical body is absolutely interrelated and both of them are real and exist. And people say, ah, whatever, I can't see it. Yeah, well, you can't see oxygen either. And it's pretty important. So there are elements in our life that we need and that this emotional body and physical body is the really the very best navigation tool that we have. So we've got to bring our special guest on.

Yes, indeed.

We got to do a drum roll here. We're going to step into the heart of the matter. This segments today's show is all around Mental Health Awareness Month. And, and it's the time of year when individuals and organizations take to the streets and the Internet to raise awareness about the realities of mental health. You and many others know that mental health is critically important during these challenging times. But we can't just stop the conversation there. Mental Health Awareness Month is here to encourage us to also take action to demonstrate the importance of mental health and to understand that it's available to us all if we will just all embrace it. It is there by chance, someone in your life right now who is struggling with depression or anxiety, someone who has lost all of their hope, or how is it that we can show them not just that we are aware of their struggle, this is so important, but that we care about their struggle. We're going to talk about how this plays out in our relationships, because sometimes the most significant people to us run out of gas to care anymore. And what do we do? We find ourselves in that situation. We want to invite our incredible family member, David Woods Bartley, onto the show. He's a TEDx speaker. He's a mental health advocate. He speaks around the world. And we're so privileged to call him my brother and my friend. So welcome to the show, Woody. It's so great to have you here again. His name is David Woods Bartley. That's how. You're gonna have to Google him, but we call him woods because of a whole family thing that we don't need to go into.

Hi, Tommy. Hi, Sage. The first thing I have to say is you're having a little bit too much fun at the beginning of the show. And I salute Eric for I love the little spontaneous thing in regards to the dancing as well. But what an honor to be back with you and thank you both for taking the time to highlight this incredibly important month.

Yes, absolutely. And so, gosh, Woody, I want to jump right into the conversation of this important topic so that we can maximize our time. How is it that someone finds themselves in the space of mental illness? We want to talk about that because you have some personal experience in that place, as we all do from time to time.

You know, it says. I think there's a lot of reasons, but I think that they typically fall into the category of usually it's a confluence. In other words, the genesis or the starting point is usually a confluence of some sort of genetic predisposition. In other words, because. And let's just use depression. Out of. Amongst all of the evil incarnations of mental illness, you can inherit a gene. In Tom and I's case, our father's father, our paternal grandfather, ended his life by suicide when our father was very young. And then we lost our father. I was just seven years old. As the Baby of the four boys. So you can inherit the gene. But because it's a medical condition, just like heart disease or diabetes, it doesn't mean that you're going to suffer from that. But with mental illness, if you consider genetics like dry kindling, there needs to be something to ignite that. And oftentimes it's trauma. And for me, it was the trauma of losing our father when I was just 7 and then the horror of being raped at 11 years old by a Boy Scout leader. So at 58 years old, I have danced with this issue for the vast majority of my life. And in the absence of being able to heal from that, to be able to understand what the impact and the value of self care, especially when you put your self care on a pedestal, a soul will ultimately get to the place of hopelessness because the weight of the malady, almost like Tom's knees, they give way that unless you can replace that line of thought, those inaccurate beliefs about yourself, you will ultimately go to a place of hopelessness. And my opinion is people don't die from the medical conditions of bipolar and disassociative disorder and depression. They die from hopelessness. In the absence of hope, there really is no reason to live.

I so agree. In fact, I love it when you say Woody, you know, you and I have conversations about love being the most powerful force of all. And you'll say, oh, no, no, no, no, sis. You'll smack me down and say, actually it's hope.

And you know, I said it because, you know, in your body of work, you know, love can be fickle. It can play hide and seek, it can play hard to get. Faith is kind of like an intimidating rock star or a celebrity because of, of its prowess. But hope is that, you know, in the words of Charles Schultz, who said that happiness is a warm puppy. Well, if that's the case, then hope is like a whole swarm, a whole litter of eight week old Labrador puppets. Hope just wants to be with you. And hope never comes alone. Hope always brings something with it. And most often it's harmony. And then when things are harmonious, it's all right with the world. It's going to be okay. I'm okay, and things are going to be okay. That's why I think hope really is the most important thing in our lives.

Now you're starting to win me over. And I do see, I do see how with hope, we can open ourselves up better to love. Because without hope, I can't, I can't risk it. I can't go There I can't express it. I can't share it. Which is going to be required for creating connection with those I love and care about the most and who love and care about the most around me. Right. If I don't have hope, I can't open myself up. I can't risk it. I can't go there.

So to put a. Put a period at the end of the question is, how does the soul find themselves in a place of mental illness? It is in which Tom had talked about, really the primary demon is stigma. And stigma is. It's a sign of disgrace. It's an attitude of disgrace. It's when somebody has been exiled or excommunicated from the community of worthy souls into some sort of periphery in. Based on actual feelings and actual demonstrations by people who are ignorant, quite frankly, or most likely by their own exile. There's no access in the place of isolation, which Covid has just exacerbated. To your point early in the show, Stace, that the monster has been licking his chops over the last 18 months because that's what the monster wants to do. We can't beat mental illness one on one. We can't. But mental illness, the monster has no defense against connection. He's just going to turn and run. And so in the absence of connection, because a person with mental illness often is externally stigmatized and internally stigmatized, they stay isolated and will find themselves in that place of hellness. And it is in the words of Dr. Beverly Shanks, who said that depression must surely be the first cousin to hell on earth. Absolutely. The doctor is 100% right.

Yeah. And. And, you know, that takes us a little deeper, if we may, into the conversation and the com. The question that's always raised when somebody's struggling with depression. In fact, I. I have the privilege and honor of supporting many souls as you do, who struggle with this monster of depression and they're contemplating and discussing ending their lives. And I have people ask me all the time, like, how do you handle that question? Like, where do you go when people bring up the fact that they're contemplating maybe snuffing themselves out of the universe? And I would love to hear your answer to why do people die by suicide?

And it's a really important question, both in looking at people like myself who had attempted and people who complete suicide. The obvious question that comes up is why? So in my case, that including your beloved who's sitting right next to you is why would he think that he is unworthy? Why would he think that he had become an embarrassment and burden. Why would Woody think that we would all be better off without him? Why would he think that he was stupid and ugly and grotesque and pitiful and just worthless in every way? And then there's also the question of why would. Would he be so selfish? Why would. Would create so much harm? He. We knew that he knew we would think that he would know what the devastating impact would be. And the short answer to all those questions is. And these come in the words of the great chef David Chang, who's an amazing man who wrote recently about his own journey with bipolar. And here's what the chef says. It really answers all these questions, is in his words, when you're depressed, you become convinced that everything you think is true. So let me say that again. When you're depressed, you become convinced that everything you think is true. Now, we've all had bizarre thoughts that come into our mind, like, good Lord, where'd that come from? But we can push them to the side because they make no sense. They're not based in reality. They're not logical in any way. But imagine every difficult thought that you've had, every negative thought that you have, every thought that you've had that you're disappointed in yourself, that you feel like you're a failure, that you have nothing to offer. Imagine every single one of those thoughts. They don't go and lodge in your mind as a possibility like you take them as the absolute truth. Now. Now, when people approach somebody like me in the midst of wanting to kill themselves, the first thing that I say to people is, imagine logic and reason like an article of clothing. When you approach that soul in that crisis situation, first thing, take that piece of clothing off. Exactly. Don't approach the situation with any sort of sense because it makes no sense, because the person is believing and has become convinced of something that's not true. It has no basis in reality at all. We all make mistakes, but none of us deserve to die.

Excuse me. I was just gonna say. So is that because of the. The brain chemistry and how the disease process works as to why they're. Like you said, typically, you can just say that makes no sense, and you can dismiss that. Is that why, when you're in that place, you cannot dismiss that?

You know, Tommy, that's a great question, and it's interesting. There's. You know, there is, I think, based on one proof in the most empirical, scientifically supported that the confluence of genetics, which impacts brain chemistry and everything else along with trauma, that's the typical Fashion. But of late, there's more and more and more evidence that chemistry and genetics plays a part. But it's. It's really what happened to you. You. It's really the impact of trauma and I think in the ability for any of us to process loss on a more generalized experience, especially with COVID and then somebody who has suffered the horror of unspeakable trauma. In the absence of being able to process that, what happens is almost like a wound that stays covered up and is not given access to air. We need to give air to our thoughts and really the most important thing that we can do. And I think this is a tenant in your work because I've been on the receiving end of great coaching from both of you in my relationship that Lady Bird Johnson said it this way, which I think is far better. The great Lady Bird Johnson says that people need to be given the opportunity to hurt out loud. That's just to be heard. And then Dr. Remond, Dr. Rachel Neal Remond says is that she feels the most basic and powerful way to connect with somebody is to listen. So you create the space for somebody to unburden their soul to hurt out loud. And then you give them the gift of listening. That's probably the most powerful thing we can do to help a soul who's in that crisis point.

And, you know, that takes me to a place. When any of us go through grief and trauma, what we tend to do is we personalize it. We personalize everything because we are through an experience, we're having an emotional experience. And I say the greatest kryptonite we have to us as human beings is self doubt. And when we go through trauma, it causes us to doubt. We make up stories in our movies, you know, which is a framework we teach about who I am and how I attracted this into my life and how this might be my fault. And if it happens a second time or a third time or I constantly have those feelings and emotions bubbling up inside of my body, it's really easy for me to start feeling like the emotion is val validating the self doubt that I believe is true. And so I see that we can absolutely start buying into these lies from that depression monster that you so eloquently, you know, like describe. And we start doubting ourselves, which is also the kryptonite to comparing myself to others, to judging how I did something or said something or didn't do or say something or how somebody is treating me. And I take all of those things personal. Then this self doubt becomes the kryptonite that will cripple me.

Exactly. And I think it really goes back to the takeaway for all the work that I do is that connection creates hope and hope saves lives. So Matt Haig, in his great book that your beloved recommended to me called Reasons to Live, Matt describes it this way, that it's a three step process that somebody can arrive at the place of wanting to take their lives or even a lesser acute situation or crisis point. They're all hellish no matter what. That it's dark thoughts which trigger overwhelming emotions which ultimately influence what can be deadly actions. So somebody in that space, their mind is spinning. So we've all seen the movies and there's some sort of bomb and it comes down to the last seconds and it's a red wire, a blue wire, green wire. My God, what wire do you cut? Connection. It doesn't matter. Connection can cut any of the three because in the space of being connected, mental illness doesn't exist. In this time with you. And anytime I'm with you, it's this sacred experience. I've had a good day, but let's say before the show I was in a depressed state because I still deal with this. I still have thoughts occasionally of ending my life, but they're days, not weeks or month. But let's say I came into the show before that because we are connected for at least this hour that we're together. Connection has snipped one of those wires because I can't hold competing thoughts of living and dying simultaneously. It's impossible. So what I say is for both a, as an aspect of self care and as a way of helping somebody else, it's just become a master at creating connection everywhere and anywhere and every place that you go with anyone that you come into contact with, which is distinct from connection. And there's lots of different ways that I teach and they're all simple, you already know them. All I do is just go around through story and remind people that it's the little things that will save people's lives.

Absolutely. Well, so you have some wonderful voices that you've brought to the show today and I want to give a shout out and give them all due time. I want you to introduce for us, if you would, Diane. We have a clip from Diane that we want to share with the show that's kind of in line with what you're talking about, Woody. And I understand that, that you have been a huge mentor in regards to her opening up and being able to share her story and create connection for Herself in her own life. Let's hear from Diane.

The fact that there's such a freedom in sharing with people and finding out their stories and what they've been through and just to connect on a deep level, to be able to say, maybe not exactly, but oh my gosh, me too. And it connects at a very human, spiritual level in who we really are. So I would encourage people to find somebody who you can share your story with and just be vulnerable, no matter what your struggle is, how intense or mild it has been throughout this pandemic or even way back from childhood.

Share.

And there is a healing that comes from knowing that other people can in some way relate. People are dying to talk. That's one thing I learned, too, after sharing in a presentation, having people just come up and wanting to talk about their experience. We've been keeping stuff inside for so long and it's literally killing us. We're dying to talk or dying to share. So do it and be free and bless people like my dear friend David Bartley. Thank you for inviting me on this program.

Bless you. Wasn't that so precious?

So Diane and I have been friends for a great many years. We've shared the stage on countless occasions. Diane wrote an amazing book called In Sickness and Mental Health. And it's the story of she and her beloved husband and the journey that they've taken. She is extraordinary. She's also on the board of directors for the Sacramento nami, an amazing advocate. All the while, she and her hubby are having very successful IT business.

That's incredible. And I looked up her book and I'm going to read it. And gosh, if any of you are looking for some resources, I would give a shout out to that. The name of the book is again In Sickness and in Mental Health or In Sickness and in Mental Illness. I want to make sure I get this right. How to love and support someone who is struggling with a mental illness. So check it out. Did you have something you want to say?

No.

So let's also hear from Sue. She's another wonderful person that you. You brought on to highlight the importance of getting support, taking action, bringing some awareness to this conversation of mental health health today. So let's. Let's hear what sue has to say.

As a therapist, I just want you to know I treat people who are hurting for many different reasons. The human experience is often painful and sometimes we're not prepared for that kind of pain. Somehow sharing it with a safe person can help alleviate the sense of being all alone in it. We Experience emotional healing through relationships. My job is to be one of those healing relationships that can help the soul find a safe, safe place to sort itself out. My job also is to be a person who can listen and challenge some of your beliefs, but will not show up at Thanksgiving dinner and tell all your deeply held opinions about other family members. That's why you go to a therapist. You're not related to a person is so much more than a diagnosis or an illness. We use a diagnosis to describe a common pattern of symptoms so we don't have to re explain it every time we're talking to another mental health professional. And for billing purposes, you are not depression or anxiety. You may be a person who is challenged with depression at this time, but it's not who you are and it's not a permanent state. Most mental health conditions can be treated and overcome. For example, PTSD is a treatable condition. It's not a life sentence. Others with more biologically based symptoms, such as bipolar, can be managed so a person can have a rewarding life worth living. Therapists have many different theoretical approaches. And you don't have to stay with the first one you meet. It's important to feel comfortable with a person with whom you are sharing this.

Part of your journey.

As an art therapist and trauma therapist, I work with metaphor and imagery quite a bit. And others will have different approaches. The most important factor is the healing relationship.

Relationship.

Thank you.

Bye. I love how she says a person is so much more than a diagnosis and I love how she gives a shout out to why it is we do provide diagnoses. It's not because they need to really become who you are. Right. And you have to stay stuck there. It's because we as mental health professionals want to be able to describe what they're struggling with without having to go through the description of it. I thought that was brilliant.

Yeah.

And she's a. I've known Sue's beloved for 10 years and she is an amazing therapist. She is in private practice, so if you Google her, you can find her. And she's right in Auburn. And if you are in need of a therapist, Ms. Cirillo would be one to please highly consider.

Well, and she also does tele remote therapy as well. And she highlights on imagery and she also highlights on art therapy. So, you know, sometimes that's a medium. We have many doors to our hearts, many doors to our souls, and we all heal differently. And so we need to find what that pathway is to us. Right. In expressing and sharing and opening up and Getting the support that we need. So that's absolutely one of my favorites. Imagery and art is an easy way for us to go there, because it doesn't require words.

Yeah, exactly.

So we have one more. Claudia, she absolutely stepped in, and here at the last minute, she kind of wraps up this whole concept of. Right. How we create hope, as you say, Woody, how do we create hope? Through this idea of connection. And Claudia had this to say about that.

Good morning, this is Claudia Najelski. And the message that I want to leave today for those that are struggling with a mental illness is that there is always hope. Mental illness is also one of the illnesses that is treatable and that you're not alone. So if, for whatever reason, you are struggling with a mental illness at the moment, or you have a loved one or a friend or somebody that may be struggling with the same, please reach out. Reach out to somebody that you trust. Reach out to some of the many resources that are available here in the county of Sacramento and beyond, and have somebody speak with you. As far as what are some of the options that you have? Just reaching out and saying what may be happening to you, what may you have been experiencing in your life is something that is just the first step for freedom, for finding, really, the answer. I know that most of the folks that struggle with a mental illness take about an average 10 years to seek help and just imagine all that they could have done in their Life with those 10 years if they only would have reached out sooner. So, again, you're not alone. It's important for you to speak out with somebody that you trust. And we are in the process of removing the stigma through a book called Faces of Mental Illness. And that is stories of 27 brilliant and brave souls that want to get this message into the world so that this community that we lived in society and really the world begin to understand that despite our mental illness, we are still great individuals making great strides in living the best life that we can and doing good in the world. If you have any question at any time, feel free to reach us at our group on Faces of Mental Illness on Facebook, and we'll be happy to respond to any questions that you have. Have a great day and look forward to assisting you in the future.

Take care.

Bye.

Bye. I think it's so great. Ten years, we typically wait.

Mental health, it's, you know, and the best analogy in terms, to really underscore or to give a. Paint a picture of what the suffering is like. What. What would it be like if you had a toothache for 10 years. Can you imagine that?

So imagine that just becomes more severe, right?

Well, or just, you know, anytime we have pain in our mouth, I mean, it's just awful because there's very little that we can do to avoid that pain because our mouth is so central. So imagine, though, you lived with that for 10 years, your beloved has lived with aching limbs for longer than that. And you know, Tommy, you can say what that's like. So imagine if you compare that to living with, you know, a brain disorder, really, in the words of Dr. Martin Rubin, who's this amazing psychologist and medical school professor, he says it's really a thought disorder. So imagine if those thoughts, you're living with ailing thoughts for a decade before you went in and talked to somebody. And it's not to shame anybody. Part of it is that it is you can bring people right to the cusp of a whole pond size and ocean size of mental health resources. But if people don't feel connected in some way, shape or form, they're never going to walk through the door to those resources. On the flip side, though, once a person's connected, and these are the words of your beloved, once they understand themselves and feel understood, it underscores the truth of what I heard Tommy just say the other day, that understanding is the only thing that facilitates choice. And you think about that. In the absence of understanding, you have no choice. But when you understand or you feel understood, all of a sudden everything comes. Now, you can still choose not to, but at least you have a choice, right?

And at least you're aware of what that choice is. So today, really, because it's Action Day, let's talk about, as we wrap up this segment, some of the actions that we can absolutely take right now. If by chance ourselves or somebody that we love is struggling, you know, what are some action steps that we can take, take right now to make this really super simple? Let's fire him off as a team, shall we? Because there's, there's so many. And we are all going to go to our favorites. Okay, so my first one is just sit down and listen to somebody, right? And I wanted to give a shout out to the people who have done this and are like, oh, see, I've done that for hours and I can't do that for my loved one anymore. Then that's a high sign that you yourself need to get some support, right? So you get the support so you can fill your gas tank so that you can give that gift to the people you love the most. Okay, Woody, what do you got?

So I think the central thing is that to leverage the power of curiosity to create understanding. So in the Matt Haig sense that thoughts lead to emotions lead to actions, the power of curiosity. Understanding is a destination. Curiosity is the vehicle. It's the mechanism. In the space where someone's mind is spinning, curiosity slows the speed of thought. When you ask a heartfelt, compassionate question, the person will slow their thinking and respond to the inquiry and everything changes. And in the space of understanding, it's all good. So. And oftentimes these are counterintuitive questions. The first responder who saved my life off the Forest Hill Bridge, the first question out of that soul's mouth was, David, what does it feel like to be depressed? And so I would ask people to ask counterintuitive questions. Allow people to talk about their worst moments. Those are not the things that's going to push them over the edge. Instead, because you've allowed them to hurt out loud. That oftentimes is one of the greatest gifts that we can do to create connection and thus open the door to hope.

Yeah, and I will just. This is the one, Woody, that you've always reminded me about is, you know, it's not what's wrong with you. You share what is it that you need to hear, not what's wrong with you. What would you need to hear?

What happened to you.

So listen, if by chance you're in a place where you need to take action, which is what we want to encourage you to do today, you can reach out to somebody that you know is qualified to support you, or there's this 800 number that will get you started and opened up to the resources that are in your area. Take this down 1-800-273-8255. Again, that's 1-800-273-8755. And you're going to receive a free confidential conversation on what the next best steps are for you and Woody, how.

Do people find you?

So just. It's David Woods Bartley. If you Google my name, it'll come up with my website that our Tom's beautiful daughter, my niece Brookie has created. There's also a link you'll find a TED Talk that. But if nothing else, I wrap mental health and animal stories and it's not so much me as a speaker, it's just the story at the end. If you could take six or seven minutes out of the 18 minute talk, I think you'll really enjoy it. It really underscores, I think it's a perfect story to understand the power of connection. So, yeah, just Google my name if you want to talk personally. Tom and Stace have my cell phone number. Give me a call.

Awesome. All right, well, we need to jump right to thank you so much, Woody, for being with us. We're going to jump right to feel it. We have a fun, fun video clip that we hope that we have a few minutes to play. Tom and I were privileged to look at a group of people coming together, connecting, sharing, and it didn't matter what your race was, didn't matter what your relationship status was. It was just good music that connected a whole group of people. We want to give a shout out out to Buster's barbecue. We want to give a shout out to the musicians that you're seeing here. The gentleman that's playing the fiddle or it's not a fiddle, actually, it's a violin. He is a spectacular musician. His name is Carlos Reyes. He plays, believe me, jazz and violin all at the same time. We're going to play this clip again when we come back because you've got to hear the music behind it. It was a mind blower when we thought about how does jazz and a violinist come together? It's like, what? And it's a. It's absolutely amazing. We do a segment of can you feel it every single week. And because of this, we want you to not only hear what we're thinking, challenge your thinking, but we want you to feel it in your heart. We want you to feel the song with the music. And there's nothing that can take us there like that.

Absolutely.

So it's time to go, babe.

Fastest hour in our week, every single week. So until we see you next time, remember, you know we're here to serve you and support you. If you need some help, reach out to us. Stacybartley.com S T A C I D A R t l e y.com until we see you again next week. Remember, don't wait. Listen to those signals. And we look forward to being with you next week, same time, same place.

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You don't have to go home, but.

You can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.