#35: Curious when to actually get help with common relationship issues?

Foreign.

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. A little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this is the show for you. I am Stacy Bartley and I am here with my co host and lover Tom, this guy right here. Together for the past decade, we have been loving and teaching on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping singles and couples to create and experience love for a lifetime and their relationships both with themselves and others. I want to invite you right now to take take a pause, grab your favorite beverage and gift yourself this time.

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Yeah.

Wherever you are, it's pleasure to connect with you today inside the love Shack. For the heart of the matter, just debate you a little bit. We're going to be talking about how it is you get help or not get help and when is that moment in your relationship like, you know, have you ever wondered? I mean, we can do that when we go to the doctor, right? We can assess if I cut my finger how deep it is and whether I should just put a band aid on it and it's going to be fine. Give it some time or gosh, that's going to need stuff. Stitches. You know, I better, I better raise my hand and get some help. That's a common question that we get asked a lot because sometimes in emotional world or the emotional realm of being a human being, it's difficult to know when that time is. And so if you're struggling in your relationship and you're not knowing whether to work harder or to let go, this seems to be a dilemma. And it was a dilemma that I have personally been in. I'll raise my hand.

Me too, as well.

Yeah. And I want to comfort those who may find themselves in this place right now, or you're supporting someone who's in this place, perhaps a loved one, a friend, a daughter or son. This is very commonplace in the relationship experience. If we're not like in a committed marriage type of a relationship that we, you know, signify in our culture, we're in a dating relationship. And maybe we're thinking, I don't know if this is going so well and, and, and we dance with it. And we're not quite sure what the benchmarkers are to kind of dive into and explore that firsthand. It tends to bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings. I know for myself, that was. Well, first of all, let me just say I've been there a number of times, and it's always one of the most challenging places that we find ourselves in the relationship journey. In fact, many would say that's exactly why I don't do them. That's exactly why I don't get serious. That's exactly why I don't get committed. And I want to take that off the table for you today. So I know one of the things that's really challenging is if you start looking for support and help and conversations, the amount of or the volume of sheer information that you could get on this topic is going to be very particular to the people that you talk to. For example, if you talk to a church leader, you're going to hear one thing. If you talk to a parent, you're going to hear one thing. If you talk to a friend. And God love you. If you go to the Internet and you go to Google and you start asking Dr. Google about your relationship, because typically what happens is it's some version of should I stay or should I go? And this right now creates what I call a cocktail ripe for paralysis. And the main ingredient at that cocktail is emotional overwhelm. And it's mixed with a splash of anxiety about your future and a dose of daunting pain that you've been attempting to ignore for a while. So this wonderful cocktail, or metaphoric cocktail, cooks up a feeling overall of feeling stuck. So when we come back for a brief break right now, I'm going to invite you to stay tuned as we uncover why, what is what we need to do when we find ourselves in that place, and some simple steps that you can take to work through that place so that you can get unstuck. And we're going to do it with the help of some of our friends. So come on back and we'll see you in a minute. Foreign.

Are you tired of sitting on a couple's counselor's couch and feeling like you're just rehashing the past and making no progress? Do you feel like you're holding on to your relationship but panicked you're losing your partner? It's time to learn how to deepen your connection, finally resolve the arguments that keep coming up. Understand yourself and your partner and create the level of intimacy you've been dreaming of. It's time for love to tingle your toes again. Schedule your private session with relationship expert stacy bartley@stacybartley.com checkup.

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Yeah, there we go. Hey, welcome back, everybody. Just wanted to make sure everybody could hear me loud and clear. Test, test, test. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley, hosts of Love Shack Live, along with our engineer extraordinaire, Eric Ryder. Happy to have you with us today for what we feel is a really, really important topic. And I would say in my experience, many times, if you're struggling in your relationship or in your marriage or, or in any kind of relationship, most times even the people closest to us don't know.

That's definitely a quick secret.

But before, excuse me, but before we get into that, as you know, if You've been following us for any period of time. We always start the show again. We're not trying to be Pollyanna. Just so you're clear. You know what? We understand. We have been. We understand, Stacy. We work with clients all the time, every day, every week that are struggling. So when we do these, like what you're. What's. What you're drinking and follow the fun. It's done by design. So we can help you take your next best step and just take a little moment of inspiration, because those problems are all going to be there. So if we wait till all those are done, guess what? Never going to have any fun, and we're never going to have any difference in our situation. So we're not trying to please understand. We are right there with you. So we're not trying to be like, these people have no idea what I'm going through. We do, but let's just bring a little bit of novelty, a little bit of something just to bring a little step skip in your step. So, Mrs. Bartley, what are we drinking?

Well, I mean, let's. Let's. For people who are watching on video, let's show this. Look how pretty it is on the glass number one. And are you gonna. Cheers. I mean, we, you know, what you're drinking? Why? What you drinking? Because this is where all great conversations begin when you think about it. We get a coffee. I invite you over to my house, we pour something, we get something out so that we can share something to eat or drink, and we can share our conversations with each other. And by the way, that's how connection is created for real. I share a little piece of me with you, and you share a little piece of you with me, and voila. And in the meantime. Right, you need to taste it because, you know, I think it's important.

For those of you listening. It's a. It's a. It's a what? Amber? Would you say that's an amber color?

Maybe. I'm going to show the bottle. Listening auditorily. This is a Mama Peach bottle, and it's very pretty. It's kind of a dark bottle and.

It comes from Italy. Stacy and I were blessed to spend almost six weeks in Italy in 2019. And so we are heavily Italian influence. Let's blame it on Italy.

And you know what? I need to just disclose, I did not pick this because it's from Italy, but it indeed is. It's from the Canelli district or Providence in Italy. I was shocked, amazed. I seem to have a nose for it now. I guess if you can have a nose for those sort of things, it's delicious, but it's more like a dessert. It's where Moscato meets peach juice. And it's heavenly. It's absolutely wonderful.

So it would be a peach color for those of you listening. Peach color.

Probably the color of your shirt that you're wearing right there. We would love to know what you're drinking as we start on this conversation. And you can tag us at hashtag what you drink. And we're not promoting alcohol. We're just saying sparkling wine is always something that we associate with celebration. And today is a really great day to celebrate. Any day that we are alive and get a chance to live and breathe is our opinion, a great day. So cheers to that. And let's move next. Let's go on.

Right?

I think we should go on.

So follow the fun. Again, I was just speaking about. So what's our follow the fun? Stacy's our fun. She's our fun coach of our relationship, ladies and gentlemen.

So. Well, we're going to create some novelty today. And what does novelty mean? Well, novelty is something, in case you don't know, that's new, original, and it's unusual. So that's the meaning of novelty. And we all need some novelty in our life. And as Tom was just sharing a bit ago, you might think that that's really silly to have as part of a relationship show, but it's everything. And I just want to take a minute and share before I tell you to follow the fun tip, you know, keep you on the edge of your seat. My mom was the person who taught me this. And after my father died and she was left with five children and a little $35 an hour job after being a stay at home mom for 20, 25 years and, oh, by the way, no life insurance, things got real interesting. And my mom had this uncanny way that regardless of what was going on, whether the power was getting turned off, the car was getting repoed, you know, all we had was oatmeal and peaches on the fridge. She had this uncanny ability to create novelty out of whatever situation was going on in our house. So instead of it becoming this experience of, oh gosh, now this is happening. Oh, gosh, this is where we're at. It became this experience of like, what? You're not doing that at your house. Oh, come on over to my house, man. It's going down over here. For example, when we lost power, we barbecued burritos on the back porch. She got out the barbecuer, which she didn't cry, she didn't crumble. We got out the Barbie and we threw some burritos on there and we cooked them, and then we cooked them on a stick. And it was so fun and it was so novel. And it's these little things, you know, when things would happen, we'd get a Pepsi, a favorite beverage. That's probably why I love the segment, what you drinking? And we'd go to the front porch and we'd have a conversation and we would laugh or we'd get the hose out and squirt each other. We had more water fights and mud fights when I was growing up as a kid than I can tell you. And it was just. It didn't fix the problem, but it gave us the energy and the gas to face the problem, which is huge. So, novelty, I want you to seek novelty in your life and I will continue to inspire you for this. Follow the fun moment. I want you to pursue novelty like you do air and water.

And let me ask a question. Would you say with our private clients that we are blessed and grateful to work with, would you say people that couples, partners that have been together for a period of time, would you say it's fair to say that novelty is not often practice as time goes on?

Not at all. In fact, most of us, not even when we're having problems, think that novelty is fundamentally important in our relationships and it's our inheritance, important to the relationship with ourself as well, if we're not incorporating some measure of novelty on a consistent basis. And by the way, it doesn't just fall out of the sky. It doesn't just happen. It has to be something that's intentionally done and created in spite of the circumstances that are playing out in the moment. That's so important. But it will give you new energy, it will give you new gas to confront or deal with whatever is going on. And I know it kind of tweaks our minds because it's demonstrated and taught in our society that you're not supposed to have fun until the work is done. That's something, right? That happens after you've solved the problems, after the house is clean, after we've had the conversation, after we've solved the money problems. And guess what? If that's the approach, we're going to run out of emotional gas. And I don't have the ability or the wherewithal to even face the problem, let alone solve the problem if I don't bring in that idea of novelty. So okay, enough. I know I've left you on the edge of your seat, but today the novelty is really simple. And by the way, it's can be simple. It doesn't have to be big. It can be something super simple. It just has to be a change from the common norm. So today's is really simple. But sometime this week, before I see you again in the next love shack, I want you to eat a meal in a different place. That's it. Just eat it. If you. If you eat it on the couch, eat it on the table. If you eat it on the table, eat it under the table. If you eat it under the table, eat it out in the backyard, take it somewhere. If you eat in your car, get out of the car, go to the park, plan a picnic, lay out a blanket, anywhere that you typically don't do it. And then I just want you to pay attention to how good that feels. Something that simple can be a game changer. And if we start looking at it right from a simple little perspective like that, then you can pursue novelty like you would food and water. You can make it an important part of your life, which I'm going to continue to encourage you to do.

What a shock.

What a shame. Now, for those of you who might have a resistant partner, like you were rolling their eyes like, oh, do it anyway, like, okay, you don't want to do it with me? I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Because eventually you're going to get them, because it's not any fun to sit and be cross and crabby and to keep putting off the fun. And they're going to start seeing you feel a little bit better, and then they're going to want to say, all right, fine, and then they'll try it, and then they start feeling a little better. And that's how this rolls. So.

And I can tell you from personal experience, you know, when Stacy and I came together over 10 years ago.

I'm.

Probably known as a fairly serious person. And really. So through our years as people called.

You cross and crab.

Cross and crabby. Yeah. Why is that guy so crabby? But I just can't overemphasize the leverage and bonus that you'll get from these simple things. And you know, they're real. And here's the thing, ladies and gentlemen, realize, you know, these tips and things that we share there, that's cute. But there's no experience unless we put this into our life. See that? That's the huge thing.

Well, and remember, you can't feel bad enough to feel better.

Right.

We can't go in that direction. We have to do something to kind of take the edge off, take the pressure off. And so, you know, the other thing that I like to say as we wrap up this segment is, are you stuck because there's nothing else to be done, or are you stuck because you won't allow yourself to do something different?

Good question.

That's a huge question. So we're gonna push you. I know it's uncomfortable, makes your armpits sweat, you know, makes your stomach flip over. But we're going to ask you to do several things, right? If you follow us, that are going to do just that, that's where new life can begin. That's how we're going to see ourselves out of where it is. We're tired of hanging.

So, again, take wherever you eat. Try somewhere different.

Yeah, there you go. That's your simple.

As simple as that. Thank you so much.

Yeah, you're so welcome. And then it's Tom's tantalizing tip. Because I tend to hawk the show. It's just.

Just.

It's just so you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, Tom's tantalizing tip. In the absence of leadership, chaos will prevail.

Tom, you got to tell us, how in the world does that apply to relationships?

Okay, so here's the thing. See, when we're going to cover this here in the heart of the matter, coming up momentarily. But when two people are struggling in their relationship, you know, someone has to raise their hand and be the leader of the situation, because let's be honest, if nothing changes, there's no one steps up, you know, and we find in working with our clients that these two people are always at different places of this journey. Okay? But someone has got to have the courage and raise their hand. It could be metaphorically, it could be really for real and say, this is not working, because in the absence of that happening, if everything stays like it is, we know, because we've been doing this a long time, chaos does prevail. I love that quote. So in the absence of leadership, look around us. Look in your communities. Look in, you know, our world and our country. Leadership is. Is what brings this place to where, okay, this is what we're going to do next. And it only takes one person. A big difference in how we work and how other, you know, people and platforms and situations and bodies of work work. Many times if there's two people involved, both people have to, you know, be willing to come in and Talk or whatever. Well, guess what? That literally never happens. Most people don't raise their hand simultaneously and say, we need help. It's all of our years that I can maybe say what maybe 1% of the people have come together. I would say 99% of the time it's one person in a relationship. And guess what? That one person can absolutely facilitate change and become the leader of their relationship. It doesn't matter who it is and doesn't matter if it's male or female. You let all of that go. Just, it just takes one. Because in the absence of that, everything I've ever experienced myself and had the privilege to serve others, chaos does prevent one.

So, like, you like to do this to me, so I'm going to do it. Back to you. What would be some simple ways that people could step up and be a leader? Because, you know, I might be saying I'm not really a leader. I, I, that's not my role, you.

Know, that's not my, yeah, well, that. Great question. And don't, don't. That word is a very powerfully charged word, so it seems. So a leader is simply, it's as simple as saying this isn't working anymore and realizing that we need some expertise outside of ourselves to help us take our next best steps. Because guess what? If we didn't need that help, we would have already accomplished what we wanted to accomplish, and we haven't. So it's not, it's, it's a very, very simple thing. It's maybe the most courageous thing and probably the most fearful thing we have to do, but we have to just realize, look, we're not able to get ourselves out of this situation. I'm not sure where it's going to go. We don't, Stacey and I, we don't guarantee, you know, if people say, I'm going to guarantee that you're going to, you know, that's a bunch of hogwash. No one can. Gary, anything other than we're going to guarantee we're going to give you everything we got to make sure it goes well. And no one knows best for what' best for a relationship than the people involved. We're going to help you decide what your next best steps are.

So maybe let go of the word leadership and just realize that if you finally muster up the courage to say, hey, we need to address some things, or, you know, I'm not happy, are you? Or, or, hey, you know, I don't really like it when this goes down. Is there something we can do about this that is stepping up to be.

Oh, absolutely, yes, absolutely. You know, stepping outside of the status quo. It, the easiest thing to do is just keep doing what you're doing. That's easy. It really is. And that's what most of us do. So being a leader is simply. Yeah. By taking a step outside of what you've normally done. And, and many times it does involve, you know, finding someone that you feel safe and comfortable. Safe meaning you can have the conversations and share some things probably you maybe never or haven't shared in a long time. That's what it means.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, I think we need that. This is going to eloquently take us right into the heart of the matter, the thing that we want to gift you today. Now, I want to reassure you we're not here with more advice because as I had said in the beginning, when we're looking for answers, there are so many answers that, that in and of itself can be overwhelming depending on who you talk about, whether that's your, your pastor, your, Your bishop, your priest, you know, your family church counselor or a.

Family cultural community head.

Even counselors and therapists. Right. They're, they're going to have different answers. And then if, like we had said, go to Dr. Google, that one's going to kick your fanny because there are going to be so many perspectives and thoughts on something that you're wanting to know now. Yeah, you can dig through all of that. You can garner the, the common narrative. You know, that's what good research does. But I want to impress upon you, this isn't advice, because advice isn't the thing that you need. What you need is to be able to know how to look inside of yourself and decide where you are. That's a hu. Difference maker. Right? The answers are lying inside of your relationship. They're. They're lying inside of you and they're lying inside of your partner. And there are common things that we can say, oh, and size them up, because Dr. Google said so, or my therapist said so, or my pastor priest said so. There are this, there are that. I can't tell you how many times people come and they say, oh, I've already done the research. They're a narcissist, they're a codependent, they're a bipolar, they're a. So when we label these things, it still doesn't give us any answers. It still doesn't help us see the way through. Instead what it does is we've just taken the time to diagnose or label something and I want you to know, as a human being, we are so much more than our labels. And so we wanted to give you, for the heart of the matter today, some. Some real skills that you can use in order to figure this whole thing out. So the first thing I'm going to invite you to do is just take a breath and slow down. We get reeling in this place where we feel like we've got to make a decision, we've got to make a choice, and we've got to do it really fast. No, we actually need to slow down. And there's plenty of time to think about this. There's plenty of time to evaluate it and learn and grow. And instead of pointing out all the problems that your partner is doing that make you feel the way you do, we're going to take a really uncanny approach with you today.

So why would you say again, I know this is huge. You think it's because people tend to wait too long, that they feel like they're. That they need to hurry?

Well, I think because we don't know what to do with the panic. And so when we start to panic, you know, realize we real and we have this illusion inside of ourselves that make us think if we can reel fast enough, we can get ahead of it. Like, we're gonna. We're gonna be able to get ahead of this without realizing that's impossible. All it's going to do is cause you to feel more anxiety and more stress. And so the best thing to do when you're in places of anxiety and stress is to literally force yourself to slow down. Now, I didn't say it was easy. It's simple, but it's not easy. And it's best for you to slow down because then you're going to start buying time and you're going to get time on your side. Have you ever noticed that when you're panicking that time goes faster? I mean, like, you run out of time quicker because you're still trying to get ahead of time. And there's never enough time. And the key and the remedy to that is to slow down. You got to take it the other direction. And that's true not only if I'm late for work, but it's also true if I'm emotionally right flailing in my relationship because I don't know what to do. The best course of action is to slow down and realize I've got time to figure this out, and I don't need to necessarily get more information as I do spend some more time with Myself. And so someone who comes to us is typically struggling with a few things. They're going to be struggling for shame of just flailing in a, in a relationship or a marriage. They feel guilty. And I know I did. I, I felt so shameful for not being able to figure this out on my own and that there must be something wrong with me or there must be something wrong with my partner. Right. You remember that feeling? Absolutely, yeah. I mean it's, it's very common and unfortunately it's not because it's the truth. It's because we don't talk about these things, things openly like we do other things of life. So there's nothing to feel ashamed of. In fact, I want you to know at some point in time, in every single relationship that has ever been or will ever be, there's going to be a time when you're going to feel like this. Do you want to know the why?

Yes.

Why? Okay. I just wanted to make sure. Because I could go on and on and on. But the why that's the case is because nothing in your relationship is stagnant. The people involved and are not stagnant. The circumstances that you have to confront and dance through are not stagnant. And so amongst all of this change, day after day, week after week, month after month, things are going to change. The finances are going to change. How you feel about the finances are going to change. How I feel about the kids or religion or what we want or the dreams are all going to change. We are not the same people that we were last year. Right. I think about all the change that we've been through. But think about five years or ten years ago. Right? I mean, we're not even the same people with the same perspectives. And so how is it that we think we can create love for a lifetime and not learn how to anticipate the change?

So again, so a lot of things we see shame for messing things up, courage to ask for help. So maybe I don't have the courage. I'm terrified to ask for help.

That's very common.

Yeah.

And lack of skills and understanding about the whole relationship journey. And when we do seek Dr. Google's help, a lot of fear based mongering happens. I have to be honest with you. Like there are people who will monetize off of your fear and your unknowing about your relationship and your emotional journey and that's unfortunate. So I want to share with you a clip from an actual client. She tells her journey of where she was when she came to work with us and what she got out of it. And then we can talk about who she was, her journey, and how it might be applicable to some of the most common relationship problems that we experience in our lives.

So I met Stacy about three years ago, but it's actually felt like I've known her for a lifetime. Where was I then? Well, in the middle of a not very functional relationship, asking myself, how is it that I find it to get stuck in this place over and over again? I was frustrated, disappointed, tangled, and very close to giving up on relationships altogether. But God is good. And here he sent me this precious soul to remind me that there's no such thing as a bad relationship, but instead, lack of skills. With Stacy's help, I learned how boundaries are actually good and necessary and how advocating for what I need and want was actually a way to help me love in a healthier way and be loved in return. Her support has encouraged me to find ways to better navigate through relationships and build true intimacy. Intimacy. All very important ingredients to make the recipe of love. Work with my family, my colleagues, and overall relationships, I could share a lot more. But in summary, I'd like to say that unlike many other methods out there, Stacy's is a unique one. She's not only a coach with excellent tools, but an amazing human being that has learned from her own life experience the gem of what she now shares with many of us that have the privilege to work with her. I am so very grateful for the support she's given me and would encourage you to taste that for yourself. Thank you, Tom and Stacy, for the work you do. May it be multiplied and expanded through the many lives you touch.

She's such a sweetheart, and she was tangled and she was stuck. And that's such a common feeling because we wait and wait and wait because we don't know what else to do as we overwhelm ourselves with opinions and points of view and perspectives from everyone else. But do we ever stop to think about your perspective? Have you ever thought to stop and think about what doesn't work for you and why it is that you're feeling the way that you feel? And I know when I ask that question initially to my clients, they're going to say, well, it's because of them. It's because they do this. That's why I feel the way I feel. And I have to say no, actually, I'm going to have to ask you to dig deeper. Right. If we're. If we're pointing the finger and thinking that the pain comes from over there. We've got to dig a little deeper to find out why that's a bother to you. So this feeling stuck is a very common place in our relationships. Stuck is a place that we visit often. And I want you to understand that it's okay if you're stuck. And I want you to also know that you can get unstuck. And what unstuck is going to require is for you to do something different than what you're doing right now. And because we, as human beings, we learn by contrast, step by step as we go, anything different will be better than being stuck. Right. It's going to tell you something that you don't see or that you don't understand right now. So I'm rapidly reaching for a metaphor, a metaphor of how that plays out. If you're hungry and you start pulling food out on the counter and you're not quite sure what it is you want to eat, but you start tasting this and tasting this and tasting this, this and tasting this, and all of a sudden you say, yeah, this is what I want. You put everything else away and focus on the one thing that really hit the mark for you or the couple of things in tandem. Right? This is how I found pesto on crackers with salami and a little bit of mango to be a fantastic combination, by the way. And this can work for our lives, too, especially when we're not quite sure what to do and where to go. Anything different is going to be better than us continuing to hang out in a place that doesn't work, that's just more stuck. And to illustrate this, I have another wonderful client of mine, Terry Murphy, who has shared a bit of her story with us that I would like to play for you. Now, Terry was in a very stuck place, and I want her to share with you how it is she got unstuck.

I wanted just to share a little bit about my experience working with Stacy and where I was prior to working, starting to work with her was. I was pretty, pretty broken. You know, I've had a great quest for my personal growth and development. Been working on that for quite a number of years. But the difference between working with Stacy and working with a traditional, you know, platform like a counselor for me, has been just amazing. I mean, she's just so down to earth and. And her willingness and to share herself with me and me with her has really made me feel safe and to open up things that I haven't probably opened up to other traditional counselors and, you know, where I am at now. I wouldn't be where I'm at now had it not been for Stacy and her incredible love and just tools to teach me how to navigate through really hard obstacles and, you know, healing childhood wounds and really, you know, kind of breaking it down and showing me kind of where I've been stuck and not to doubt myself. Her love and boundaries course changed my life. I didn't take it just once, I took it twice. And it, it just forever has changed me and how I function in my workplace, in my personal life, and in my family. So it's taught me how to face my fears and, you know, learning how to move through painful experiences, not to go around it, not to go under it or over it, but to, you know, face. Face it and go right through it. And, you know, I'm learning to become comfortable with being uncomfortable because I think that sitting in that pain has been a very growth experience for me. So I just have the most incredible gratitude for Stacy's ability to navigate me through new areas of my life. And I wouldn't be where I'm at today without her love, love, her support and her amazing help in helping me to, to learn new tools. So I, I can't express how much love and just gratitude I have. And I just thank her from the bottom of my heart. I hope everybody has that opportunity to change their life, to spread their wings. And I know she has that most amazing ability to teach you how to do it. So, so don't waste one more moment. Life is too precious.

Oh, she's so great. So Terri actually experienced the difference between breakthrough or breakdown mode. Where am I? And we get stuck in that place, especially when we're trying to figure it out. Breakthrough means yes, we're working hard, we're learning. My armpits get sweaty. I'm doing things that are uncomfortable, but it's working. Every little bit helps me feel a teeny tiny bit better. And look, we're not trying to go from, you know, things not working to a grand slam knocking out of the park. We're just taking fundamentally step by step experiences moment by moment as we learn and implement skills and practice them with myself and with my partner. And really, I would have to say the bigger Russell is going to lie with every inside of yourself. It is you that is going to stop you. It is you that is going to start doing the things that you're being taught and that you need to implement into your life. It's all more of a way bigger internal journey than it is an external journey. Of trying to get somebody else on board to fix it for you. And Terri came to a place where she experienced breakthrough, but she had been years of breakdown.

Yeah.

And I think, I think it was, it's really, I think it was interesting that she, she noted that she was able to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. Like, look, if, you know, I think that's a lot of reason why we are so hesitant to step into this part of our journey when we know something's not right. We're not trying to say that there isn't going to be some things that are going to make us uncomfortable. But what we, we, we pride ourselves in doing really well is to make sure that, that safety and permission so we create the conditions that make this result inevitable. And one of that is helping you understand that it's okay. Like Stacy said, number one, it's okay to be right where you're at. Guess what? Because you're human, there's nothing wrong with you. We're all mess making machines because we're human beings. And then slowly, incrementally, strategically, you know, we're able to start helping people uncover this process. Yeah. You don't go from being at the depths of, you know what to this place on the mountaintop. That's all bs. That does not happen. It's a process, you know, and if you can just give it some time, it doesn't have to take the rest of your life. We're not, we don't like, you know, not that we don't like, love our clients, but we don't want to see it forever because then we haven't done our job. So. But you have to understand there's, you're going to be bumping up against some things that probably you have not bumped up or you have suppressed. Would you say that's a, that's accurate?

Absolutely. And I, and I want you to, to know that feeling uncomfortable is okay. And we don't know that when it comes to our relationship that feeling uncomfortable or having a challenge or something is not working for me is not a sign that it's over or that it's bad or that this, this is not going to work. It's a sign that something needs to be addressed. Just like if I feel pain when I cut my finger. Right. I don't panic after I get comfortable and I understand how to remedy that. I know what to do when I feel this way. I know what this means for me. If I've taken the time to understand my, myself and I've taken the time to explore that and I can do that with my partner as well. And those are all skill things, right? So I love Jennifer Brown's clip. We're going to let her speak her story to you as well. I love it when Jennifer talks about ask and then as she does we'll come back and we'll talk about that in a minute because that's a big skill.

I was asked where I am now after having worked with Stacy. Oh my goodness, a very different space. Here's a few examples. One of the biggest things I struggled with is that I could never ask for what I wanted or needed. I always felt I was righteous in putting myself on the back burner and that it was the good thing to do to put everyone else before me. It wasn't healthy, it didn't lend to stronger relationships like one would think. And in fact I learned I need to and can and should ask for what I want or need. And in fact it's inherently cruel not to because then I'm making whether it's my partner, my business associates, my husband, my family, my friends wonder and guess and try to intuit what it is I want and need, that's totally cruel. Instead, by being clear and assertive and declarative about what it is I want or need, I give them the opportunity to meet that need or not. They're grown ups, they can decide that for themselves. And I have a piece about that. But I've at least spoken what I need or want. That's one of the biggest things and it's shown up in all areas of my life, personal and professional. It's been a game changer for me. So thank you Stacy. This is Jennifer B. In California.

Asking for what it is we want or disclosing what's working or not working for us is one of the most difficult things that we learn. We have been taught in our relationships that it's not the loving thing to do to really disclose. But then I've got to ask you, how is it then if you won't disclose what makes you happy? And the reality is it's your job to teach your partner or your lover how to love you back. How in the world are they ever going to be successful at that if you don't tell them? You're going to make them guess and that's why it's cruel because they're going to miss the mark, miss the mark, disappoint you see that what they're doing is they're working their fanny off to please you is not working. And all the while, you're making it up that if they would just do this, everything would be fine. So that is a cruel thing to do. And it's hard for us when we do workshops and we. We partner people up. Asking, showing up and really saying what it is you want to say is something that we flounder with as human beings. And so it's an important skill for us to practice. And we have some simple frameworks that allow that to happen. So, bottom line is our way out of stuck is to do something that you don't always do, you've got to do something different. Typically, we wait too long. We need to do and address something sooner than later. Oft times, people show up at our door and it's. It's too late. The wheels are already coming off. There's been too many. Right. Regrets, too much frustration, too much betrayal, too many broken hearts. Right. And all people can think about is just getting the heck out of here. And long before that, as we asked them to look back, there were times and moments where they knew it was a problem, where they knew it was building, but they just thought it was going to go away if they could make more money or get the kids out of the house or right when they got that job or when I lost that weight. I mean, we associate so many things to the moment when it's going to all work out without realizing it can start working out right now. Right now, because you have the power and the tools to start looking at what the real issue is, which is what's going on for me, and then let me explore what's going on for my partner. And we need to be able to come to the table with some skills and some understanding about how relationships work so that we can see our way through this.

Yeah. Or. And, or maybe when you were going through that time, you know, like Stacy said, when you look back and know there were absolutely times and signs that something needed to be done, you were looking to each other, to both, you know, okay, you raise your hand, and I'll raise my hand. Well, again, ladies and gentlemen, that doesn't happen. So I would say, as I shared earlier, 99 of our clients, it doesn't matter if your partner is not on board to get some help.

Help.

You know, it. It's absolutely not required. And again, we work really, really strategically and really well. Because here's the thing. When we start working with a client, say one of a partnership, one in a marriage, one in a relationship, that person is going to start showing up differently. And I can promise you it really does make a difference. And then at some point in time, we always take a very much invitation rather than a condemnation approach with that other person's spouse, husband, wife, and continually help, and will even help help them with the conversation to invite that person in. Because let's just be honest, you can't blame or shame someone enough for them to show up. So you don't have to worry. More importantly, you don't have to wait. You step in. You know something needs to change and you can be the catalyst and be the leader for that situation in your relationship.

I love it. Yeah. So those are the takeaways. Don't wait. Address it sooner rather than later. Get some help if you need to. If you need some skills or you need some new understanding about how this works, reach out. Do it from ourselves or someone else. And listen, remember, it starts with you understanding more of what's going on inside of you. Because at the end of the day, this choice, whatever you're going to do, has got to work for you. Don't let anybody take that choice away from you. So I think it's time to stop in to spread some love. Love.

Spread some love.

And who's spreading some love today is Marilyn Milano. She hacks a show on KKNW as well called Love Has Many Faces. She is spreading some love to all the singles in the love shack today. And she had this to say for us as a super tip for spreading some love.

Hi, I'm Marilyn Milano and I have a show here on Alternative Talk 1150 as well. It's called Love Has Many Faces Places. And it's about helping animals and their people. So that's one of my passions. And I know that Stacy and Tom's passion is helping people have amazing relationships. Now, if you're single like I am and I have been for a while now, you might be asking yourself, okay, I don't have a relationship. How do I have a rich life? You know, how does this even apply to me? I also want to acknowledge here that I know many people are totally thrilled being single and they have no desire to partner up again in. I'm going to be honest, I'm not thrilled about being single. But I've lived and learned and made the most of it. And this is what I want to just try to impart to people while you're single and you're learning what you love and you're doing what you love and you're happy with the things you're doing because there's no one there to encumber you or discourage you or try to squelch you. That is when you will start making your soul happy. And if and when somebody does come along, you will be strong in your values and your beliefs in what you know you need. It might be having a dog. It might be working with children. It might be getting outdoors a lot. Whatever it is, it is so important to keep doing the things that bring your soul happiness, because you're fine where you are, and you're fine with or without someone. I don't always believe that. When people tell that to me, I will be honest with you. I sometimes feel like, no, I must have failed because I didn't get it right. But I'm trying to get myself right. And I feel good about myself and about the things I love. I know what I stand for. I'm very solid and very grounded. And I know if someone crosses my path and they're in opposition to that, it's just not going to work. So many people bend themselves into pretzels or settle or just want to have a body in the house, and they wind up miserable. So I know most of you probably aren't doing that, but I just want to encourage you. Stay on the path you're on. Be true to yourself. Live your best life now. And when you are with somebody again, if that's meant to be, you will come to that from a position of strength instead of a position of being needy and having to have somebody there with you. So that's my $0.02 worth for today, and I hope you have a great rest of your week.

Love that. Thank you so much, Marilyn. It is so true. True, right? Relationships have to work for ourselves, and if we feel good in them, we will stay in them.

Well, we like to say, you know what? Guess what? You show up as good as you feel. So, I mean, try to prove that one wrong. And believe me, I. I've spent a lot of time there in deep research, just personally, and it is direct.

Well, so it's time to move into. Can you feel it?

Can you feel it?

Let's go. We gotta wrap this up.

Yeah. Each week, you know, Station I, we love music, but, you know, I guess again, we're trying to do as many things as we can to bring in all parts of the relationship experience, and one of them is music, because music absolutely moves us. It does. I mean, you can't help but being moved. And this week, we have a really, really cool song.

Oh, yeah. This is one of Tom's favorite, but you know, we've given you something to think about, something to feel. And so our song for this week is Khalid's coaster. He sings in this song, coasting in my emotions. And this is definitely a part of all relationships. You need to know that even the ones with ourselves. And maybe do our best to understand and learn from the inevitable ups and downs of loving and being loved. It truly is the ride of a lifetime. But we must rediscover again and again how to use our experiences to the betterment of who we have the capacity to be. So you can check out this song as well as the songs for all of our episodes on our playlist by going going to stacybartley.com forward/podcast page. You can hear all the songs to move you.

Absolutely. No, this is a great one. So. So you know what? It's time to start coming. Land this, land this episode, if you will. It's the quickest, quickest hour of our entire week.

Thomas Stacy Bartley, along with our engineer, Eric Ryder. Thanks so much for being here with us and listening in. Special shout out to Jennifer Brown, Terry Murphy, Mario, Elliot Porous and Marilyn Milano for spreading some love with us today. Come on back next week as we continue to explore the conversations that impact our relationships as we have a little bit of fun along the way until we connect with you again. Challenge your thinking, touch your heart, and let's see what we can do to create a little novelty and get those toes dangling. We'll send you it next week.

Goodbye, everybody.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.