#36: Eight Epic Ways To Actually Maintain A Healthy Relationship

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. If you were struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and looking to do better next time, this show has been created for you. Hi, I'm Stacy Bartley and I'm here with my lover and co host, Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping singles and couples create an experience love for a lifetime, both with themselves and others.

And a shout out to our listeners. Thank you so much for joining us and spending some of your most precious resource which is time just a few housekeeping. We are live every Thursday on our awesome sister station OR partnership station, KKNW.

Joining us for the first time ever.

Yeah. 11:50am up in Seattle, 1:00pm Every Thursday as well as through the powers of technology, we are streaming live to our YouTube channel and our Facebook page, which is Love Shack Live show. Then in about 24 hours or less, our episode, every episode is uploaded to the podcast directories. Everything from Apple to Spotify to Google and everything in between. Bottom line is trying to meet you wherever you are, wherever it's most convenient, adding value to your life. And again, thank you so much for joining us today.

And because all great conversations begin with sharing a beverage or something to eat, if we were doing this in person, we invite you right now to grab your favorite beverage and give yourself this time. Tom and I are drinking, of course, a little bit of sparkling wine. What are you drinking? And if you want to share it with us, you can do hashtag what are you drinking on any of our social media challenge or channels. I'm sorry, not challenges, but channels. And I want to give a shout out to Charlie who is sharing with us right now that he's drinking a stout beer and Milane, she's enjoying some lime tea in this moment. So for the heart of the matter, today we are sharing eight epic ways that you too can create and maintain what Tom and I call toe tingling love.

Actually, it's four today and four next week, eight total. So this is Radar, the detailed person. We're going to get four today and then four next episode next week.

And see, everyone wants to make sure that their relationship is running smoothly. And we all want to know that, hey, we're going in a good direction and there's so many tips and tricks and advice out there. How are we supposed to know or have some benchmarks or gauges that lets us know that we're going in the direction that we absolutely want to want to go in? And you need to know that. Throughout the last decade, while coaching hundreds of couples and singles, I've been able to identify what I call the eight superpowers for toe tingling relationships. These are the most critical areas or mindset, shall I say, that you need to give your attention to if we desire to ensure that our relationships are not only healthy but are positioned to thrive as well. So this is going to be a two part series this week and next and Tom and I are going to share with you these eight epic ways that you can actually build and maintain the healthiest relationships possible. We're going to be talking about things, about why it's imperative to recognize and realize that you got to get to know yourself again and again and again. And we're going to talk a little bit about that internal movie and you might be going, what? We have an internal movie? Oh, sure, we all do. And very rarely do they line up. We're going to talk about how to know if you're in pretend or illusion. And what the heck is emotional weightlifting. Yeah, you got to add it to your gym workout. It's important, especially if we're talking about being good at this whole love thing. So we're going to be talking about all of this on the Love shack today during the Heart of the Matter and have a little bit of fun along the way. We'll be right back with the Heart of the Matter after this short break. So grab yourself something to drink and enjoy and gift yourself this time. We'll be right back.

Here's what one of Stacey Bartley's clients says about working with her.

Working with Stacy has been life changing in a very magical way. I wanted to work with Stacy when I left a long term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of my relational, how would you say, unhealthiness. I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience and wrapped it into her own program. A program that is designed specially for you. For anyone that moves forward with her. She's unique, she's profound, she's, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to yourself to work with Stacy.

To book your 30, 45 minute or 60 minute session with Stacy, go to stacybartley.com checkup.

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Welcome back. We are your host Tom and Stacy Bartley. Good to have you with us. And we are going to jump right into the heart of the matter. It's time for us to dive into that and we're going to going to share the first four of the eight superpowers for Toe Tingling relationships.

Yeah, the heart of the matter is the heart of the matter. Right? So here we go. Throughout the last decade, while coaching with hundreds of couples and singles, Tom and I have been able to identify what we call the eight super tips for Toe Tingling Relationships. These are critical areas of mindset that we need to give our attention to if we desire to ensure that our relationships are not only healthy, but positioned to thrive as well. And we thought it would be a really great idea to share these eight with you over the next two episodes. So let's dive in to number one. Number one is the reality is we've all got to get to know ourselves again and again and again. And the first client that pops into my mind was we'll call him Fred and Phyllis. Now I'm just going to say right now, Fred and Phyllis is kind of an alter ego that Tom and I play around with from time to time. I know that might seem kind of quirky in the moment, but it's also going to be the pseudo names that you're going to see us using as we talk about our clients. Because let's be honest, around here in these parts, we take confidentiality very Seriously. So anytime I say Fred and Phyllis, we're talking about a client of ours and.

Or clients, plural.

Yes. And today we're going to talk about Fred and Phyllis that actually ended up in my office because they were getting a divorce. And this relates to number one, eight epic on the list. The getting to know ourselves again and again and again is embracing the mentality and the awareness and the idea that in relationships, the most challenging thing that we often face is the reality that we change. We change as individuals, we change as lovers, we change individually. Therefore, our relationship itself changes. And we don't like this part. We don't like this part of the story because the narrative has always been that if we get married and we promise ourselves to each other, that somehow we've got to encapsulate the way I feel about you in this moment, the moment I step forward and say, let's move in or let's get married. And then it. It is this focus on how do we keep it the same as this day, this moment, this place in our relationships, which I'm sad to say, is impossible. It really is impossible. We got to tell the truth about this because you're going to change. The person you're in a relationship with is going to change. The circumstances in your lives are going to change. Therefore, your relationship is going to need to change and morph. And so it had been 25 years, and Fred and Phyllis ended up in my office. And at this point in time, they were seeking to complete a divorce. And I introduced them to the idea of a loving release. And Phyllis got a little frustrated about this. And I remember her standing up in the middle of our session together of saying, okay, how would he want to do this? And she screamed literally at the top of her lungs. I could tell that she didn't know what to do with all the emotions she was feeling. The fear, the panic, the sadness, the disappointment, the betrayal, etc, that goes on when we realize that what we thought we had is coming to an end. And she said, you've loved me for 25 years and you promised you would do it forever. And I'll never forget the drain that I looked at Fred's face and he didn't know what to say other than he said, you know what, Phyllis? I meant it when I said it. Things are just different now. And that was really hard for Phyllis to hear. And so number one is we've got to entertain the idea that we humans have change that is constantly playing out in our lives. When we connect and validate ourselves, we have the ability to translate our thoughts and feelings into a language that we understand. And it's constantly rolling over. The way I feel or see about things, my perspective about things is constantly rolling over. And if you don't believe me, just go ahead and look at where you were or what you thought was true and real a year or two ago or 10 years ago. Right. We get ourselves in these ideas that we think we got it all figured out and then we go, oh, holy heck, I know in my lifetime. And Tom, I'd love to hear about yours. I think that would be really fun to bring you into the conversation. But as we look back over our lives, especially as we get some years behind us, we realize, oh gosh, you know, I thought that I wouldn't have caught, done, become, do the work I do have the perspectives that I do as a 20 year old, you know.

Well, no, yeah, I mean just to be as objective as we can. Think about the premise of, of what Stacy just shared and really what's, what's taking place. I mean in my first marriage, you know, and grateful to share that my first wife, Roxanne, I are good friends that you know, in our 24 years of being together, if I were to say where I was when we came together and decided to, to get married versus at the, at the, in 24 years, the differences in me as a person, I mean, unbelievably different. So this place where couples come together and want to create a life for themselves and to think that is going to be a static journey. I, I would just say I marvel at how would we, all of us, me included, buy into rather than building like look, this was a great day, a great celebration, but yet, man, this is going to be one heck of a ride going forward because that's how life works. We live in an energy, excuse me, a universe of energy. Nothing is stagnant, you know, I mean it's the way that our universe is designed. So in taking that approach, you're literally trying to go against the way the universe is designed. And that's where people are fearful above commitment because they don't know what's coming up. How about if you were to build knowing with a framework that we use and teach and mentor that keeps you true north and rooted, rooted to yourself. And then amongst all the change is what you can continue to use as.

That Navigation well, and here's the thing. The change is inevitable. And I realized that when Tom and I came together after a couple of failed marriages myself, I was, I thought myself to be commitment phobic. Right. I really thought that that was my problem even in. And I study this and I was working in the field of, you know, therapy, you know, personal development, human behavioral science at the time. And even I thought, okay, my problem is my. My diagnosis is, Stacy, you've been through a couple of disasters and you're commitment phobic. So therefore, let's just pull the chain on this and decide that you're going to be single for a lifetime. And that's okay. You're. You finally come to a place where you're okay on your own. And then Tom showed up, and it caused me to reevaluate everything. And in the heat of the moment, I created some frameworks of a lease option, contract for love. And in this framework, I created it because I needed to somehow try and grapple with getting all in again, giving myself all to this person again, after being so disappointed in love and relationships so many times. And the thing that I want to point out here is commitment is not a problem. We love to commit. We love to be in love. We love to connect with another human being as a human. What we don't account for in the narrative of the story of love is that things are going to change. And how do we navigate that change? That's the conundrum that we find ourselves in. And we are going to change. So that's why it's number one. Number one, we're going to change as human beings. You're going to change. The people that you love are going to change, whether they be kids or lovers. Which takes us directly into number two.

Number two is avoid pretend and illusion.

Which is really hard when it comes to love. Because the story that we've been told is that if you find the right person, if you are the perfect person, if you truly get it right, then guess what? Everything's going to work out. You're going to be able to encapsulate that feeling, that emotion, that wonderful experience that you had on that day you said, I do, or that day we decided to build a life together. And we're going to be able to ensure that that's the case 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years into the future. And that's how we're going to know that I have my soulmate. This is the right relationship for me. And I need you to understand that because that's the story that we've been told. We tend to create what I call pretend, an illusion. And the pretend and illusion, going back to Fred and Phyllis, the Pretend and illusion was everything is okay, even though I know it's not. One person was able to lose themselves in work and they were able to distract themselves right, by coping day to day life. And the other person was acutely aware that this is all a bunch of pretend and illusion. There is nothing okay here. There is nothing that makes us happy. There is nothing in our relationship right now that has us thriving. And I know myself, I've been in relationships where I was smothered in pretend and illusion. And it sounds like this. I'm comparing myself to other people. I'm comparing myself to what my person does or doesn't do for me. I'm comparing myself and reassuring myself all the time. I'm re enrolling myself back into my relationship. Oh, it's okay, they didn't really mean it, or oh, you know what, they'll get around to it next time, or hey, you know what, it's okay that I feel taken advantage of or unappreciated because it's all going to work out right? And so I start looking for all these places that I, I can get the reassurance that I'm questioning inside of myself that they love me. And now all of a sudden, the circumstances or what they do for me or whether I get that birthday gift, that anniversary remembrance, or that birthday card is important. It's. It becomes critically important because when I stop and think about how I feel about our relationship, there seems to be something missing. But I negate that and I start going to the circumstances. Oh, they still bought me this, or hey, they did this for me, or hey, they still out the trash, or hey, they're still paying the bills. And that's what gives me the reassurance to kind of come back around to the relationship again. Even though I know our emotional connection is atrophy, like, like I know that we're not talking as much or having as much fun as we used to, or the sex is starting to wane, or the time that we spend together. I'm, I'm all caught up in these other things and I keep enrolling myself back into situations where I know it's not okay, but I don't know what to do about that.

And how about the, the, the one that we hear often, and myself included, is the good old will give it some time. It will, it will work out. We'll just give it some time. We'll give it some time.

And yet we're not doing anything to switch it up or to look at it or to learn from it or to understand it because we're too afraid to speak up, show up, ask for what it is we need. Because o, that would be like dangerous.

I would say afraid and. Or how about what would you say, babe? We simply have no idea how to step into that kind of a conversation.

Yeah, 100%. And not only that, that we feel like if we do step into that conversation, we all know we've tried before and it's going to go awry and then I'm worse off than when I started. So I'm just going to sit back here and cross my fingers and hope that this goes well again without realizing that if we don't talk about, if we don't explore it, if we can't give each other the space, space that we need in order to discover what is not working and what is. If I can't decide what is working for me or working for you, then the solution to the problem continues to elude us. And so there we go. We're in living. And most of us do. 99.9% of all relationships live in the space of pretend and illusion. So recapping, number one, we don't want to admit that things change. I don't change. You're not supposed to change. You said you were going to love me forever. And now two, a year, 10 years, 20 years later, things have changed. I don't want to admit that it's changed. I don't know how to say that. There's some things that are really going down. I don't know what to do now. I'm going to just buy into the idea that this is going to all work out because we are married, because we have kids, because we committed, etc. Etc. Which leaves us with number three.

Number three is practice emotional weightlifting.

Now you might go, what the heck is that? Yes, we need to add it to all of our gym workouts. And if you're not working out in the gym, we'll at least add this to your life. Because emotional weightlifting is so important. What is it? Let's first talk about what it is and then you're going to start to understand why it's so critically important. What it is is the ability to hear things that maybe don't feel so good or to entertain ideas and perspectives that maybe you don't buy into, but maybe your partner does, or maybe somebody that you want to be in relationship with does. Now, perspectives, I want you to reassure you they're not contagious. First of all, if somebody shares their perspective with you, it doesn't mean that yours is going to be lost or that theirs is going to get all over you or that theirs is the way that you have to go. A perspective is just a perspective and if we can understand them for ourselves and for others, it illuminates our minds and our thinking. This is one of the critical components of needing others in our lives as human beings. The other component of emotional weightlifting is we have to understand that as human beings, okay? And we all are. Unless you're not. If you're from some other planet, then go ahead and make it known to us in the comments and say yeah, I'm not from this planet, I'm an alien. But if you are from this planet and you are indeed human, well then the truth needs to be told that we are mess making machines. But that's what humans do best.

So share with us because we get questions on this babe. So when you say a mess making machine obviously you're not saying you're like what's the wonderful character on Charlie Brown? Was it Linus that made all the mess?

Oh he stunk.

Oh he stunk.

Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess he did. But Charlie Brown himself made a lot of messes. Right?

He but I mean, but. So you don't like drop clum crumbs on the floor and this is not what you mean and you leave me your clothes on the floor.

I'm saying in relationships, since that's what we're talking about here, it's only a matter of time before unintentionally you disappoint somebody who's counting on you.

That's what you're defining as a mess.

That's. And there's many, many other examples where you forget to pay the bill or you show up late or you overlooked the birthday or you didn't know to get the right gift or even though there were hints that were dropped because the reality is as a human being managing ourselves and our own internal navigation system which I refer to as our emotional body which is what we're talking about.

Right?

That's number three. Our emotional bodies are as real as our physical ones. That the interesting thing about it is they're fluid, our emotions are dynamic, they can flood us and we can't understand a thing about them and they time travel on us so we can hear something or experience something and we are all the way back into 1970 and ah, in a full speed panic.

So emotional weightlifting then would be understanding that we're mess making machines and then getting the experience and the practice in stepping into these places where we feel uncomfortable, where we've been triggered or something does. Doesn't feel right. Instead of. Typically, it's usually either control or collapsing. We're able to step in and navigate this situation with literally practicing having these conversations that most of us have never, ever been taught how to do them.

Yeah. And unfortunately, that's what we. Yes. And we've been robbed of understanding, talking about exploring and learning and working with our emotional bodies. And I know I just said a whole lot there, but our emotional bodies develop just like our physical bodies do. If I want to become strong physically, then I've got to have something to push against or a sense of resistance in order to gain muscle. Right. Run 100 miles. We have the 100 mile comer up here where we live. So it's, it's. I've got to work with it. I've got to practice. I can't just go from lifting 5 pounds to lifting 500 pounds. And most of us in our relationships, because of the story that we've been told, because of the lack of conversation around this very crucial topic, most of us are very emotionally weak. We don't have a lot of practice and experience in the emotional weightlifting gym of life. So what does that look like if I were to be strong? Now that you have an idea of what emotional weightlifting is, it means that I can hear you say something that may be uncomfortable for me. And I feel like emotionally I have a lot of things, meaning emotions firing off, but I have the strength and the ability to not react, but that I can be with it and entertain it.

So.

Moment.

So would you say when Fred and Phyllis were working with you, especially in the beginning sessions, you were able to create this safe space, if you will, for these emotional reps to start happening?

Yes. So what ended up happening is imagine for a moment. Moment. That somebody says, I love you, but I don't want to be married to you, or I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. That's a tough one to hear. And yet we all know I've shared what Phyllis did. You promised to love me for 25 years. I can't believe you're bailing now. You lied. She didn't understand that, number one, we change as people, Our relationship changes. She'd been living in pretend and illusion, which is number two, for a long time. Many years. She wasn't happy, but she didn't know how to go on without Fred. And number three, emotionally, she was really weak. Fred for years and her too. Couldn't say what it was that really wasn't working a long time ago when it was a small thing. You know, when you say these things, it really hurts my feelings or, you know, I'm really not happy here. We got to do something about this. Can we talk about it? Or, you know, when you ignore me and you don't come home, I don't feel appreciated. I feel betrayed instead. They couldn't have those kinds of conversations because A, they didn't have the skills and B, they didn't have the emotional strength to go there. And so what ended up happening is they got the default option, which is, you know what? I've given all I can. I've run out of emotional gas. All I know what to do now is tap out.

Well, and I think that's a very, very important distinction. Right before we move on to number four is what do I mean? If you've heard people you know in your circle of influence say, you know what? I just. I'm not able to do this anymore. Specific to say, a relationship, and what is usually follows those words is because I just run out of gas, I.

Just can't do it anymore.

So, again, we are based on energy, you know, so if you don't, you know, ultimately make some kind of a move, as Stacy said, typically, you're going to get the default option because we're based on energy, and you're going to run out of emotional gas.

Emotional weightlifting means when Tom says, you know what, Stace, what you just did hurt my feelings, I don't go, oh, you mean that? Well, you shouldn't be upset about that. Okay? That's living in defensiveness. And by the way, there's a super tip right there. If you're getting defensive about somebody saying something to you, there's your sign that you need to stop and pause and look at. Could be a simple, you know what? Thanks for sharing with me. I'll take a look at that. I get to choose. But that's emotional weightlifting. The ability to just do that, entertain a perspective that's different than yours is emotional weightlifting at the heart of it, which is important. And we've got to learn the skills and the techniques to practice that. And it's going to be a practice.

And it's going to be a practice for the rest of your life.

And it's a thing that we talk and teach about in our clients, and Tom and I practice and talk about all the time. It's critically important. So let's move on to number four.

Today, number four is face your pain. And I, I've shared this on our show. It's interesting. Stacy and I, we do this somewhat as an experiment, and we say, we ask our clients, we ask our audience on social media, say, what is the word that does not start with L and it has four letters? That is involves every single relationship that you have been in or in now and will be in the future. And I don't know if we've ever had anyone guess or have we?

No, never. In our live workshops, we've never had anybody guess. It's. It's pain.

It's pain. P, A, I, N, pain. It's not L, O, V, e. Now.

We all understand that pain is associated with our physical bodies. We wouldn't expect to live a life physically right in that awareness or in that mentality where you're never going to have a physical pain again ever, because you've gotten it right. That would be crazy. You're never going to have a stomachache. You're. You're never gonna cut a finger, you're never gonna have a headache, you're never gonna get stressed. I mean, that would be like, crazy. People would look at you like, what are you talking about? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. But realize and recognize that when it comes to our relationships, we say, if you're feeling emotional pain, you've got it all wrong. You're doing it wrong. That shouldn't be the case. You're supposed to be in happiness and bliss all the time. And that's crazy because our emotional bodies are just like our physical bodies. It's inevitable that amounts of emotional pain are part of the, the deal. And we have a really difficult time accepting that. We really, really wrestle with emotional pain, saying, it's not okay, I've done it wrong, I'm doing it wrong. They're wrong, I'm wrong, Everything's wrong. We've got big problems. No, I, I want you to, to the very best of your ability, reframe your association to this emotional pain. That if I'm feeling emotional pain, a, it's normal, it's part of life, just like my physical pain. And B, what is it asking for? It's asking for my attention.

And it's the finest indicator any, all of us have. That's the thing. I mean, instead of being afraid of it and thinking there's something wrong, think. Oh, thank you. As Stacy often shares in our workshops, if someone was stepping on your toe, let's say you're in A line to buy something and someone just inadvertently steps on your toe. I would assert pretty strongly that it wouldn't take too long. We say, excuse me, you. You're stepping on my toe. Would you please, you know, step off of my toe? So, I mean, it's not like, oh, my God, something's. No, it's very, very fast. So the immediacy, if you understand the power and the gift of what you're being signaled to pay attention to, is unbelievably accurate. So there's no reason to be afraid and upset rather than celebrate. I'm not being cliche. I'm not being an idiot. It really is just like if something was stepping on your. Your toe.

Well, and people step on our emotional toes all the time.

Do they?

And we don't say, you know what? That really. Excuse me, could you just back up a little bit? That. That really hurts me when you say that. It's me. You may not feel the same way, but it. It hurts me. And I just want to let you know that. Could you just do this for me now?

And just. Did you see Stacy, how she would share that? And that would be a real share. I've seen my wife do this many, many times. And it can be that simple. And that there's no. I would say there's no magic in it other than maybe how we teach and mentor our clients to position their words. But it really is that clear and simple, as if, you know, you know, what you said really, that really upset me, you know, and so.

And it doesn't matter if you agree or if you see it the same way or that you understand. It's my job to help you understand where my emotional boundaries or toes are. But it's part of my navigation system. Pain is going to be part of life, and it's going to be part of love. And emotional pain is normal and natural. It doesn't mean your relationship is over. It doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. It means something needs your attention and a conversation needs to be had of sharing where you disclose what hurt your feelings and what you feel like the remedy might be. And that's where we get stuck. We just talk about the pain. We talk about the problem. We talk about what you're doing wrong and how that shouldn't be. Well, now, wait a minute. Let's get off it shouldn't be and talk about what we feel like would ease it. Like, hey, could you just step off my toe?

And what would you say is if people, singles and couples aren't able to. To navigate this and, and listen to it and turn and face it. What typically, as you like to say, what typically bleeds out the backside when we don't address and understand and, and look at our pain?

Well, it, it's going to create a default option. It's going to create a coping skill and I'm going to step less and less out of the relationship and more and more into something else that makes me feel a little bit better, which is exactly what happened to Fred and Phyllis. Fred got immersed in work and Phyllis got immersed and raising the kids and volunteering at the school. And they didn't focus any time and effort in regards to talking about and exploring where the emotional pain was and what wasn't working for each of them individually so that they could remedy things collectively. And that's the greatest challenge that we have. So as we land 1, 2, 3 and 4, 1, things are going to change. You're going to change, they're going to change, your relationship is going to change.

Two, avoid pretend and illusion.

Yes, we live and pretend an illusion. And we've got to be able to kind of like face this, the reality of where we are and what's going on. Three, emotional weightlifting is going to be required. You're going to have to hear and entertain perspectives and emotions that you don't understand because you're not feeling them. Which brings us to pain. Emotional pain. If you're feeling it, it's a message for you. Nobody else own it, claim it and decide what the remedy for you might be. And then we've got to gain the skills to have the conversations that we need to have in order to explore what else we can do before we run out of emotional gas. We have a framework in our work called a Lease Option Contract for Love. I created it for myself when I was struggling with my own commitment issues. It's something that we teach our clients. Clients. It's something that we are very impassioned about. Whether you're thinking your relationship has come to the end and you're not sure or you're new in a relationship and you want to make sure this thing has got juice and gas, it's a great framework for you. So if you're interested in that, go ahead and reach out to us. It's valuable, it's important, and it doesn't matter where you are in your relationship journey. It doesn't matter what your religion is, it doesn't matter what your background is. It's, as Tom would say, agnostic.

Yeah, no, It's a framework that keeps you rooted in your true north. And yeah, that's the beauty thing, doesn't matter. There's no cultural bias, there's no religious bias, there's no family bias. It does not matter. And that's the beauty of it. So it's very, very powerful.

Awesome. So come on back next week and we'll share the next four for a total of eight. But we've given you a lot to think about. We know. So let's go ahead and take a break right here and when we come back, we'll dive into a little bit of fun. We're going to shift gears here for a minute.

Here's what one of Stacy Bartley's clients says about working with her.

Working with Stacy has been life changing in a very magical way. I wanted to work with Stacy when I left a long term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of the my relational, how would you say, unhealthiness. I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience and wrapped it into her own program. A program that is designed specially for you, for anyone that moves forward with her. She's unique, she's profound, she's, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to you yourself to work with Stacy.

To book your 30, 45 minute or 60 minute session with Stacy, go to stacybartley.com checkup hello, I'm Nathan Mum.

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Host of Love Shack Live. We've got our awesome Eric Ryder in the spaceship control up at kknw and we've given you a lot to think about. We gave you four of the eight superpowers for totinga and relationships. So Mrs. Bartley, how about after all that deep, deep stuff we. We take some time for a bit of fun?

Yeah, time for a litter. Our follow the fun moment this week is I'm going to invite you to explore the creative flow of possibility, something that Tom and I enjoy quite a bit in our life. What do I mean by that? Like, what are you.

Flow of possibility. That's. I like that. Flow of possibility.

The flow of possibility is this. It's easy to step into. All you need to do is take yourself somewhere you've never been before. Now, most of us, if you think about it, we have a very rote, step by step process and procedure that we love our lives through. It's very seldom that we find ourselves in places where we're going someplace new. And so this week follow the fun is go on a walk or a drive where you have never been before. Like you've never, you don't know where it is. You might be able to see it on a map or you've thought about going there but you've never allowed yourself. Because I don't have the time because I can't figure it out. What if I don't like it? What if it doesn't work out? So I want you to muster up the courage to step in and do something different. Tom and I recently went to a little town in California called Downieville. Tom had just had surgery and we had been cooped up in the house for several days. And in spite of Tom's pain, he was a very good, shall we say sport.

Explorer.

Yes, explorer. Where I loaded him in the car, I literally had to like lift his knee replacement walker and all into the car. And we ended up taking a drive to a little place neither one of us had ever been before. We had our coon dog in the back drooling and howling. He doesn't do so good in the car. And we had no idea what to expect or what was going to happen. But we took the ride of possibility and we drove through some beautiful nature and mountains that we'd never seen before explored in California. We arrived in a little itty bitty. Like, how big would you say that town is?

Oh, yeah, it's a couple, you know, 1500 people maybe.

Oh, and I think there's like 10 stores.

I mean you could literally Beautiful setting though. Beautiful.

Oh yeah. We found ourselves a little place serendipitously next to the river, little table. And we saw that they had the most incredible burgers coming off the grill. When I walked in to order a burger, I noticed they also had micro beer. So we ordered us up a couple of beers, shared a hamburger. It was delicious. We met some incredible people that ride.

Through there all the time, mountain biking area there. So yeah, there was tons of mountain bikers, you know all their logistics. A lot of them were coming back in. We got out there about the noon hour. So they were getting back in from there starting very early. So yeah, lots of fun things going on.

Lots of Harleys and motorcycle riders because the drive is windy and curvy and cool and they stop there, get a beer. I didn't know any of this. And that's, and that's the whole point in the follow the fun moment is if you take yourself somewhere that you've never been before, then you explore things that you've never seen before. And how that translates to us in our progression as a human being is it expands our thinking and our paradigms. Now we've been on adventures, Tom, where it didn't go so well, right where well, that stank. But at least it's a one and done and we know that. But we've also been on like adventures like this Downieville and it was incredible. Like we talked about it for days and days and what we discovered and the people that we met and the conversations that we had and the delicious beer and you know what? We can't wait to go back again sometime and maybe explore beyond it. So follow the fun this week. Sometime over the next few days before I see you and connect with you again, do something that you haven't done before by going on a walk to a place you've never been, a hike. Or get in the car and drive to a place that you've never been but you've thought about. And then notice the people that you meet, notice the nature that you see and notice the incredible differences in of food, speech, etc, just notice what you notice. I say this at the end of every Follow the fun moment. Are we stuck in our lives and feeling bored and lethargic because there's nothing to be done? Or are you stuck because you want to allow yourself to try something different? Try something different because the reality is we can't feel bad enough to feel better.

And if you need some help, please get on our fun list. That's for real. We really do have a fun list. I always say Stacy's the fun coach of our relationship. I used to kind of be a cross and crabby guy before Stacy came into my life. I'm a pretty serious fella anyway. But I'm getting better, aren't I? I'm getting better. But you can get on our fun list.

You know why? Because we change.

Yes, absolutely. Oh, number one. Number one of. Of. Of what we shared in the heart of the matter. Yes. And so you can really get on our fun list. You can go to stacybartley.com podcast and that's where you can find everything. And on there is. You can enter your name. And we do some fun things. We have some giveaways. We have a giveaway, the first show of every month. And so. Yeah, so. So check it out.

Absolutely. And because all relationships come in varieties, all of them do. There's no one way to do a relationship. And it's all part of the human experience. We now want to take a moment and allow others to spread some love. It's important. Foreign.

Some love is. Is really. It's our way. And again, there's no. There's no ulterior motive here. But there's. You know what? Stacy and I, we realize, look, we. We don't have this, the lock on love and relationships. We don't. We just. It's our perspective. It's our journey. We're blessed and grateful to be able to work with clients that resonate and understand what we teach and mentor, and it helps them. But spread Some Love is all about acknowledging and honoring other people, other organizations, other bodies of work that are doing good things in the love and relationship space. And we encourage you, if you or you know somebody, some group, some organization that's doing good things in parenting and step families and families and helping foster children, whatever it is around, again, love and family and relationships, please let us know and you can go, where do they go, babe? Stacybartley.com and there'll be a place on there where you can leave us a message, and we will feature that person in their organization. Why? Because we're in this together. And it really is a place in our show that's very, very intentional where we want to bring notice and acknowledgement and appreciation to other people and organizations. There's a lot of great things happening, and we all need each other.

And you know that emotional, weightlifting piece that we talked about just a few minutes ago in the Heart of the Matter? It gives us an opportunity to do some of that, because even if we don't agree with the shared opinions or perspectives that may be different than yours. Right. We can listen to them and we can wrestle with them, and that's an okay thing. It's time to share about our perspectives when it comes to relationships and expand our emotional bodies in ways that we didn't know were possible.

So, yeah. So, again, what that looks like. So again, go to staceybartly.com and you'll see a place to leave us a message and someone can just. It's very, very straightforward. It's an awesome piece of technology. Just you literally click it on your laptop or on your phone and you can introduce yourself what the organization is, you know, what is it that you're doing. And then we will get that. We'll capture that technology, we'll capture that audio, and we'll send that up to our awesome engineer, Eric. And then at this part of the show, we will play that. And we will also provide a link to the show, to that organization so they can. We are all in this together to spread some love and get some more notice to these great bodies of work and organizations and things that are being done. A lot of times, many people have no idea that this is going on.

I totally agree. And let's talk about some of them that have been on the show already.

Oh, we've had some. Yeah, we've had some wonderful. We've had some people that are doing great things in the animal world. Right.

Well, and they gave advice about, hey, if your pet is really important to you, then that's something that you don't want to necessarily let go of. If you're stepping into a new relationship, if somebody can't appreciate your pet, then that's important to you. So honor that.

And we had another wonderful woman with a organization up in Seattle about biracial families and left a very, very powerful share, you know, about, you know, she's white and her husband is African American and just really, really challenged us in a very powerful way. And about 60 to 90 seconds in our message about, you know, just really giving some things for us to really, really look at, you know, and is there. Do we look at things in a. Through a lens that sometimes is hard to admit?

Absolutely. And that, you know, we're not. We're not talking about who's right and who's wrong. But you know what? White privilege is something that we need to talk about. Right. It is something that happens.

Again, all of this is designed to expand our perception. I mean, that's the thing, as we talked about, number One, we've been really, really on this. But it's funny how it works. But everything in life changes. And left, unless we're able to expand our paradigm, expand the things that we're able to take into consideration, like they said, it doesn't mean we have to change our perspective, but simply look at it from a place of objectivity and impartiality as the best that we can, and then we can have a better understanding of the whole picture rather than just are typically pretty narrow.

And the last one that I really want to mention before we move on is the one about mental health. You know, there's a lot of, you know, judgment about mental health, especially when it comes to ourselves, number one. And number two, if we're trying to support somebody that's going through some kind of a mental health challenge, we had a wonderful Spread the Love that talked about taking away some of the stigma, and we had a conversation about how to support somebody who maybe is struggling right now. And we've talked about grief. We've talked about so many wonderful things when it comes to the spread the love moment. And so, again, like Tom said, if you or somebody you know is doing work or an organization or a Facebook group or somebody of that nature has something to say, a perspective to share, right? This is your opportunity to validate what it is you have experienced for yourself as well as the work that you want to spread. And this is genuinely Tom and I wanting to create a space where we're not the only ones that want to talk about how to improve love and relationships. It's a conversation that we all need to get involved in because relationships are very fluid and dynamic, and they come in many different sizes and shapes. And we want to entertain that idea here as well as we want to push upon you as a listener to maybe explore or hear things that you don't necessarily relate to, but that, you know, other people, people have experienced in their lives. Now, you don't have to agree, but it gives you the opportunity to just think about it, and then you get to decide what to do with it. That's the whole point of spread some.

So help us. Bottom line is help us spread some love and. And really please, you know, use that. Use it. Use us as a resource and. And we would be grateful and honored to share these great bodies of work and things that other people are doing in our similar space.

And we also do, like, a really cool little graphic that you can share on social media with your picture, the Facebook group or something. So, okay, come on, let's let's. We've got to do this. We've got to get in this together and get better at this, because the more we talk about it, the more we explore it, the more we have conversations about it, the more we can get really good at this, which is our hope and, of course, our work and our mission and our goal. So, gosh, honey. It's time for us to ask our listeners, can you feel it? I love this music. It's so great. I remember when we chose this. Ah. Can you feel it Is a place where, okay, we've given you a lot to think about. We've talked about some principles, some skills, some ideas that you can take and implement into your life. But then there comes a point in time where we got to turn off the thinking and we got to take a moment to feel the whole thing. So each week I want you to know that we choose a theme song for our episode because we want you to feel this experience inside the love shack as well as give you some things to think about. We also invite you, as you saw in the graphic just a few minutes ago, if you're watching us on video, we have a playlist that we put together with all of the songs from all of our previous episodes. And the thing is, as you can go back and we talk about and explore why it is we chose each song for each episode. It's incredible. The song that we've selected for can you feel it today? Is a brand new artist well within the last five years, new to us.

And especially new to us.

And her name is her H period, E period, R. And the song that we've selected for today's episode is take you there because heaven really is a place on earth and we need to do a better job of helping each other in ourselves get to a place where we can feel good about our relationships. Otherwise, why the heck are we doing them? So take me there. Take me there today, Take me there tomorrow, Take me there next time, next week. Just take us there to the good stuff, the happy stuff, the stuff that makes us go, yeah, I like this life. I like being in love and I love you.

Yeah. So again, it's stacybart.com podcast. You can. There's a. There's a song. And again, we put a lot into this only because I would say or because feeling is a huge part of the love and relationship journey. For heaven's sakes, come on. It's the journey juice. It's the sweet spot. So you can just go if you want to Some of our listeners, they've said we just like to go to the song first so you can check out the song first you want, and then come in and go to the thinking part. There's no right or way to do this, but it's really significant. It's nothing random about it. Stacy. I have a lot of fun and I'll, sometimes I'll hear a song and I'll, I'll snap it and I'll text it to Stacy if I'm out and about and say, babe, what do you think about this coming up? So it's a very, very fun. We are. We love music in our house. There's music always going. It's always going to be so. Again, this is really, really intentional. Hopefully it's something that. And you could really. I would encourage you, if you want to just go right to the music part first, just start there and then maybe that will get you into that feeling place to then take into the more the heart of the matter that may be viewed more as a little bit on the heavier side.

Well, that's it for today's weekly episode of Love Shack Live. And if by chance you have a conversation about love, sex and relationships you would like to hear us talk about or a question you would like us to answer, reach out to to us. We are dedicated to talking about the things you want to hear about. Thank you so much. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley, host of Love Shack Live, together with you and our engineer, Eric Ryder, who makes all the magic happen on the backside. Thank you so much for being here and spending some of your precious life and time with us right here inside the Love Shack. We look forward to hearing from you and connecting with you again next week. Remember to have a little fun.

We'll see you next week, everybody. Bye bye.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came along away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.