#37: (Part Two) Eight Epic Ways To Actually Maintain A Healthy Relationship

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. A little o place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover mysteries that nobody talks about. But absolutely, absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling in your marriage, just starting out in a new relationship, or are single and know you've got to do better next time, this show has been created just for you. I'm Stacy Bartley for those of you who don't know me, and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom. Together for the past decade, we have been teaching and loving on people from around the world with the sole purpose of helping singles and couples create and experience love for lifetime in their relationships, both with themselves and others.

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And because all great conversations begin with sharing a beverage or something that we eat, when you think about it, want to create an experience of inviting you into our love shack and into our world today. And so we always start our episodes with a conversation about what it is you're drinking. For Tom and I, it's pretty consistent, but we have a little sparkly going on. And we got sparkly water and sparkly wine and water, water. And the spirit of full disclosure. And I want to give a shout out to people who have shared with us what they're drinking today. Don is enjoying a Lacroix mango sparkling water. Oh, I know, I like those. And Paul is enjoying a PO L which Tom and I, we have a neighbor that's a terrible influence on us and she's blame it on a neighbor. Listen to this recording. We love her. She's adorable. She's wonderful. The incredible neighbor that she is. And she's a bad, bad influence on us when it comes to beers. She's introduced us to the whole world of micro beers. So grab your favorite beverage right now and join us in this conversation that we're about to embark today. We're going to cover the second part of a series that we started last week in episode number 36. It's the two part of Epic Ways to actually Maintain a Healthy Relationship. Believe it or not, we can itemize these, we can say this and this and this and this and this are all important things to be aware of when you're stepping in to creating what we call love for a lifetime. Last week we actually covered four of them and we will be covering the additional four. So we talked about last week getting to know yourself, avoiding pretend and illusion, emotional weightlifting. And you probably don't know what that is, but it's important that you know what that is as well as emotional pain and discomfort and frustration is a natural, normal part of all relationships. And we tend to think that we're getting it wrong. So these skills are important to the relationship building because it's only a matter of time before someone that you are in a relationship with or you yourself end up creating a little bit of a mess. Because as human beings, we are mess making machines and we need to get real about this and we need to let go of the idea of perfectionism. You know, I always say in a lot of the workshops that I do online and, and yay, starting to do again in person. We are mess making machines. As human beings, we need to tell the truth about that. And this perfectionistic idea of having to get it right, of one way to do things, it's going to cripple us and it's going to challenge our mental health. So it's time for us to tell the truth. It's only a matter of time before we disappoint each other. And so we love these eight superpowers of what we call toe tingling love. Because it's kind of like a reset, a recheck where we can go through the list and go, okay, okay, okay, I got this, I got this. So join us today in the Love Shack as we dive into 5, 6, 7 and 8. These are things that we have never shared live or in on air before. Regardless of where you might find us in free workshops or webinars. These are things that we share with our private clients and we are going to unveil it all and share the whole enchilada with you as we come back in just a moment. So don't miss it. We'll be right back.

Here's what one of Stacey Bartley's clients says about working with her.

Working with Stacy has been life changing in a very magical way. I wanted to work with Stacy when I left a long term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of my relational, how would you say, unhealthiness. I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience experience and wrapped it into her own program. A program that is designed specially for you. For anyone that moves forward with her. She's unique, she's profound, she's, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to yourself to work with Stacy.

To book your 30, 45 minute or 60 minute session with Stacy, go to stacybartley.com hello, I'm Nathan Mum.

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Welcome back everybody. We are your host Tom and Stacy Bartley, Love Shack Live. Thanks for joining us and I think it's time for us to dive into the heart of the matter and share our eight superpowers for toe tingling, love and relationships. If you haven't caught the first four, please go back to last week's episode.

Episode number 36.

Number three, six. And we are going to step in. Stacy reviewed those at the top of the show. What? 1, 2, 3 and 4. Now we're going to step into the 5, 6, 7 and 8 in the heart of the matter. And again this is Stacy has shared. This is literally the recipe. This is the recipe that we, Stacy has and I have really determined and created and taught and mentored through Our working with hundreds of singles and couples. So, you know, really, it is the recipe for Stacy's favorite thing is toe tingling. When have you asked someone, how's your relationship? And say, you know, it's incredible. It's tingles my toes.

You know, that was something that came about a long time ago, babe. Maybe like 10 years ago. It was one of the first things that hit me, like, what do I want to help people do? And I awoke one night from asleep in a dream, and I went, it's toe tingling. And Tom went like, honey, come on.

Little cheesy.

Cheesy. Yeah. I mean, really toe tingling. I'm like, yeah, but doesn't that kind of, like, give you a visceral experience of, like, you're content and everything feels wonderful and you're so excited and you can feel that little tingle in your fingertips and your toes. And from time to time, when things are going well and I don't have to, like, you know, smack you down, Honey, I'll say, oh, yeah, that really tingles. Feels my toes. And it's fun because it's become a real conversation with our clients and our small groups when we teach workshops and such, you know, it's kind of like a fun, like, insider joke. Like, ah, this is toe tingling. So we want to. We want to share these eight superpowers of toe tangling love with you, because they really are the difference maker. And sometimes it's really difficult for us to understand. Are we thriving in our relationships? Are we struggling? Like, is this a problem or not? And as one client recently said to me, help me understand what's not normal in a relationship. Like, should I be concerned or should I not? And this is where we're going to step into number five. But you know, babe, maybe we should do a review of 1 through 4 first. Just because, you know, that's important. We're going to just briefly touch on what the one for four is, hopefully to bait you that if you haven't already listened to the previous episode number 36, that you'll go back and listen to it once we're done with our conversation today? Because these eight really will change your trajectory and understanding of relationships.

Sure. We'll go through them quickly again. We did at top of the hour. But for those of you, if you're just joining us, absolutely. So number one is to get to know yourself and your partner. And the most important one here, or word of this sentence and first framework.

Is often, yeah, because we roll over as human beings again and again and again and Again, we are not the same people today as we were a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. Gosh, so much changes and our perspectives change. What we need and want changes. And so it's really important to make that an active part of your.

Well. And I would challenge you to, you know, if you've been with your significant other husband, wife, spouse, partner for any length of time, really just do an honest inventory and think, gosh, who am I now versus when, you know, we came together. And I would assert. I love that word assert.

Yes, you do.

Had a wonderful unity. Minister used to say in the moment of his sermon, like I assert, very powerful.

And would you pay attention?

Like, incredible presence, Jim Lee. Anyway, I would assert that you're much different than when you came together. However long months, years, weeks. That's just the way life rolls. So it's not a static process. It's the most dynamic thing you will ever undertake in your life. I would assert again two times now, hearing them within 60 seconds. I'm asserting a lot today, ladies and gentlemen, that we are different and we're constantly changing. Nothing is static about our relationship.

Yeah. And yet we're taught a different story. So we talk all about that.

Number two. Number two, just so we don't get. Yeah, we can talk.

I know. We could spend our.

Avoid pretend and illusion.

And we step into pretend and illusion because we've all been given a story about how this relationship journey is supposed to go, and we can find ourselves trying to play out the narrative of how we think it's supposed to go, or, you know, twisting ourselves into a pretzel to become the person that's supposed to, you know, fulfill this story of how relationships and love and marriage and commitment is supposed to go, only to find ourselves disappointed at points and times in the journey. So that brings us to number number three.

Emotional weightlifting is a thing, and you better know what it is and how to do it.

It is a thing, and it's a really important thing. And Tom and I are. I don't want to give anything away, but we're in the backstages right now with our team of creating an emotional weightlifting gem. Like, yes, this has got to become a real tangible thing.

So, yes, it. I mean, go back to last week. We talked a lot. Really, it really is. That's a trademark framework that we have that Stacy created. And then lastly, number four, emotional pain is a normal natural. I'm highlighting that. Emphasizing that part of love and relationships.

Yeah, it's important that we talk about this because so often when we feel emotional rub in our relationships, frustration, agitation, betrayal, disappointment, etc, I could go. There's lots and lots of emotional descriptions and labels that we could put on the emotions that we feel, especially with our significant someone, our special, our person. And that's normal. It's going to happen. It happens in every relationship. As much as you would like to think that the cute little couple that you see, you know, holding hands at the age of 87 and 95, for example, they've made it through without any emotional pain, that is just hooey. That is illusion. And that is also not ever going to be the case. There will always be some kind of emotional pain, frustration, disappointment, etc because we're mess making machines as human beings and we gotta talk about it. So that brings us to number five.

Number five. And number five is show up.

Yes. And the reality is about showing up is a lot of people say communication is the problem. It's because we don't talk, it's because we can't share, it's because we can't solve our problems. They never want to, you know, tell me the truth or they go missing or et cetera. When we did a survey a couple of years ago with hundreds of people about what they felt like the number one problem was in their relationships, it always came back to communication.

Not even close. Not even close by far.

Like there was not even a close second runner.

Right, right.

Communication decided to be the number one problem that we face in our relationship. And yes, it's important, but before we can talk about communication, we've got to talk about the ability to show up. Because I could teach you all the communication frameworks in the whole wide world. And I have some pretty spectacular ones if I don't say so myself. However, they're not going to do any good for you until you muster up the courage to show up in your own life. Not much will change if when the rubber meets the road, you rip somebody's face off or you collapse and retreat and then the conversation won't happen at all. And we start to spin a story in that illusion we talked about last week, why it is that I have to do this. Rip your face off or collapse into the unknown.

So. So give me, just for those of us out there that things don't come as quickly as they do to my wonderful wife, show up. So meaning show up or feeling like my most authentic self, my most honest. Maybe that's my most honest self.

It's mustering the ability to show up at the conversation in the first place. And before any words come out of your mouth, it's like saying, okay, we're going to do this. And that's the most courageous thing we ever do is to just show up in our lives not only for ourselves, right? To finally turn in face and have the conversations with ourselves, but to show up and, and be willing to share with your partner. Let me give you an example. I have a client recently who is struggling in their marriage. They've been together nine years, they have a couple of young children. These are the divide and conquer years. They are challenging years because there's so much pressing on you. And we're young, we don't have a lot of relational experience per se. We don't know how this marriage thing is supposed to go because it's one, it's my first marriage. And we have, you know, all of these stories that we're trying to live out according to our religion, our family, our community, our world, etc and this young beautiful soul is in the throes of this. And as we're talking, she's saying, what happens is I feel bad. I feel like I'm talked down to. I feel like I don't get any help, I don't get any support. And I say, well, gosh, you know, are you showing up and able to ask him for what you need for the help that you need? And she says, well, I tell him that he's not doing enough. And I think, ah, that's going to be a problem because if you don't get specific, he's not going to know. Right? I mean, I need help is a pretty general, broad topic. And if I'm not familiar with the needs of the kids or the house or the, you know, the home because I'm out making the money, it's going to be pretty challenging for me to know specifically what it is you need help with. Like, I feel like I'm doing enough. You know, I feel like I'm working my tail off. I go to work, I pay the bills, I contribute in, but yet it seems to never be enough. And this is a very common narrative for the bread winner of the household, which typically tends to be male. Not always, but typically. Okay. And then I said, well, okay, you know, what are you doing now? Well, we don't talk. We, we're not spending time together, we're not going out to spend any fun. We, you know, basically check, check, check, check, take care of all the logistics of our relationships, which is normal and natural to show that we want this and that we're in this. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. Did you tell them that you care? Did you tell them that this relationship is meaningful to you? And she says, oh, no, no, no, I would never do that. And I says, well, why not? She said, because if I do that, he'll mistreat me. He won't give me what I want. And I went, okay, okay, hold on a minute. This is where we need to stop. You're not showing up, and that's the story that you're using to not show up in your own life. And the reality is that if you don't tell them how you feel, if you're withholding your love, appreciation, acknowledgment, and the fact that you want this to work, the fact that you care, I know that that's a very vulnerable thing to say, but if I think that you're going to pull away and this is all for not anyway over time, I'm just going to give up. And that's the reality. And I says, well, gosh, what do you think is going to happen if you don't muster up the courage to show up and at least just express, hey, you're important to me. This relationship is important to me. I want to work on this. And she says, well, I guess things will just kind of stay the same. And I said, oh no, no, no, they will not stay the same. In fact, things are going to get worse. Things are going to continue to degrade until the default option of your relationship not working out at all will be the end result. And she said, oh wow, you're right, it has been getting worse. And these are the examples of showing up and the conversations that we have around mustering up the reasons why we don't, why we don't say what we need to say, why we don't disclose those places inside of ourselves of I really, really care about you. But you know what? Instead of being honest like that and authentic about how much I really do care and about how meaningful this is to me, I've been taught by someone, society, my family, demonstration, etc, that I need to withhold my love for you and my desire for this to work because then you'll spin it around and use it against me. And I want you to know that even if it is, you're going to feel better about the fact that you said I want this to work. Because there's a tremendous amount of regret on the backside if we don't muster up the courage to say what it is we need to say. And show up. So show up is primary. It's important. It matters.

So again, number five is show up.

Yes.

Okay. That takes us to number six, which is master the skills of relationship.

Yeah. The first thing you need to know is there are skills of relationship.

Most people think skills. I know. Are we sure that we've not had a slip of the tongue? Because when we share that, again, great. Relationships are a skill based process and I know that's very. Almost like really?

Yeah. And most of us don't understand or study or learn the skills. Right. We all think that we have the skills and it's everybody else that's messed up because of our upbringing. Etc. So there are fundamental skills of relationships and then yes, once we learn them and learn how to dance with them, we can put our own little personality and spin on them for sure, just like any skill. But if you don't have the basic skills of relationship, then it's going to continue to elude you. So I thought it might be helpful in this conversation to point out what those basic are. What are those basic skills that we need to be able to master and do in our relationships that makes everything not perfect, far from perfect, but it equips us to be able to navigate through the inevitable ups and downs of life and relationships of love.

So we have A, A, B, C and d for number six. Well, I mean, or 1, 2, 3, 4. Not to confuse. Well, you know, I'm kind of a radar. So let's go. A, B, C, D. I love it. So A, A, A. First things first. You must know how to create safety and permission for yourself and others. And let me just. Again, I say this all the time, but I think it's an important distinction. Of course, when we say permission and safety, physical goes without saying. There is no room for those to not be in place for your relationships and absolutely zero tolerance. And if. Then go ahead, listeners.

You're struggling with physical safety, physical challenges. Okay, get support with that. You're going to need some help and support with that. This is talking about the emotional safety.

Emotional permission. Yes.

Yeah, I love it.

Huge.

Are you going to step into that?

Well, I would just say that again in the, in the emotional side of the. Again, we have a physical body. If you listen to us and, and we have a, an emotional body. And the emotional body is, is, is huge. It really was what runs the show, especially in relationships. But we need a balance of both. But if we don't have the permission and safety, we're not going to be able to show up.

You Know, and so creating this safety and permission is paramount to relationships. And how do we do do that?

I was gonna say, how do we do? Give us an example of how. What would that would look like, or more importantly, what would that feel like?

Well, the first thing we need to understand is as human beings, we all feel like we have the answer, that my way of doing things is the way. And what I need to do is convince you that it's the way and I need to pull out all my evidence and I need to, you know, basically chew you down to the point where you see that or I just acquiesce and give up. And that's pointing to how we typically show up in our relationships is a version of control and collapse. And there's lots of varieties between those two opposites of control and collapse. The nature of the names probably gives you an idea of how it shows up. A control is kind of rip your face off. I'm the driver. I know the way you're going to do it my way or else. And a collapser is more of a person who goes along with that, right? Until they can't take it anymore. And this dynamic that shows up in our relationships has us wondering if we should say something or not say something or the way that I say it I know is not working, but I don't know how to do it any other way. And what I want to impart to you is that everybody thinks that their way is the best way. And if you think about how ferociously we all want to be able to express how it is we feel and how we see it, like. Like we just want to be able to see it and know that it's heard and that it's understood. Doesn't mean I have to go along with it. That alone would do a lot to alleviate the contention and the fights in our relationships. Like, okay, just tell me what you're thinking then. Okay. Okay. Because typically, if I don't agree with you, I'm trying to shut it down. I'm trying to criticize your perspective. I'm trying to minimize the way that you feel about it. And if I could just give it a little permission, if I could just give it a little space, realizing it's not contagious, it's not going to get all over me. All it's going to do is give me an understanding of where you're coming from, because I already get where I'm coming from, then it can change the trajectory of the understanding of the problem. And the challenge that we are facing. So it's all about permission. In fact, I would take it a step further and say permission, the ultimate permission, for me to feel the way that I feel and to give that space to you, for you to feel the way that you feel is the epitome of unconditional love. That is it. It's not the sacrifice of self and substance. It's not over giving, over committing, jumping through hoops in order to have you love me. It's. It's just the space for me to give you and for me to listen to you. And your perspective, even though it may be different than mine and it's hard for us as human beings, we immediately get defensive. Well, there's your sign. Okay. There's your sign that maybe there's some emotional weightlifting that needs to be done.

Which perfectly leads into number B. No, no, that's a. That's an oxymoron. Letter B. Letter B. Say what you mean to say in a way you can hear and be heard.

Yes. Oh, so we were. That's right. We were going through the skills. I kind of got off there.

Yes.

Yeah. Because I'm not passionate about this at all. So maybe we should go.

A is A is first things first, safety and permission. B is say what you mean to say in a way you can hear and be heard.

Yes. And so this is where some of the communication frameworks become really darn handy. We learn our patterns of speech through our teachers and through predominantly the families of origin that we grow up in. And we will continue to say them. They seem to work at home, so we think that they're going to work out in our relationships. And so there's patterns of speech and communication frameworks that absolutely need to be learned and mastered so that we can say what we need to say but in a way that is heard.

And I would just insert that. In fact, Stacy and I were talking about this in our meeting in front of our show this morning. Is many times. It's very, very simple to how we teach and mentor our mentor, our clients as far as can be. Just a slight change in the order of how the words are shared with our partners is a distinct and huge difference of the outcome. Huge, huge. Not complicated at all.

But it's a skill.

It's a skill. Letter C. Ask for what you need and want.

This is hard for us because we've been taught to not really disclose what it is we want and need because typically it's either been shut down, like who are you to want that? Or you think the World just revolves around you. That typically is the place that we go. So we, we drop hints, we kind of allude and we assume that if you love me and that we're committed to making this work, you're going to know how to love me until you don't. And then I become hurt and feel betrayed and frustrated. And the reality is I don't know what that is. And yes, we have the wonderful five love languages, and I, I think that's spectacular. But it's not going to do a lot for us if we're in the heated disagreement or facing a deep challenge. I can't just do your love language and then everything be fine. We've got to be able to talk about it and explore where everybody's coming from. And so that takes these skills of safety and permission. It takes saying what you mean to say in a way that it can be heard. And then you've got to show up and you've absolutely got to lay the card on the table and say, this is. This is what I need. This is what's important to me. This is how I feel. Going back to the story earlier of that cute, adorable client who's saying, I can't say what I want. I can't disclose that I want this to work. If she could, if she could say, I really want this to work. You're so important to me, and I'm afraid that we're not going to make it. What can we do to fix this that would do more than pointing out all the flaws and all the problems and all the things that are going to wrong in their relationship? It'll get to a point where we just tune out because it's too painful. We go numb. We don't want to hear it. But if I know you care and I care and we can disclose that, then it sets us in a place where we can go forward in a brand new way and we can look at things from a totally different perspective. So it's important for us to talk about and learn how to talk about what it is we need and truly want, not just what the problems are. When Tom and I do live workshops, whether they're online or in person, yay. This is a place where people get bogged down, right? It's, it's, it's classic because we have never really been given a place where we can say, okay, so what do you want? Oh, can I say it? Can I really say it? Say it like this. Yes, say it like this.

Well, it's really. I would just say in some, in summation would be to really, really learn how to advocate for yourself. Okay. So we're going to continue to move on because I can tell we're going to run out of time. Letter D is teach others how to love you best.

Yes, that's our job. It's my job to teach you what I need, what I want.

What you mean, I'm not, I'm, I don't know. You mean I can't read your mind?

What can. How successful have you been at that with me? And I would say, I, I, I adore you. And yet if I slip into the place and in spirit of full disclosure, sometimes I have. You should just know. And then I have to catch myself and go, yeah, he doesn't know. Otherwise he. You'd be doing it. Because I know you love me. And so I got to teach you. I got to teach you how to love me and vice versa. Right? So it's important for us to recognize and realize people are not going to know what you need unless you disclose it, because that's not information they're privy to. They only know what they need and want, and yet we fail to disclose that.

And letter E is, and most important, sprinkle lots of fairy dust.

Fairy dust is just acknowledgment, appreciation, and I remind you that you matter to me. And even if we're struggling and having a difficult time, fairy dust helps us get through the rough bumps by just reminding myself and each other that we care, that we want this to work, etc.

So give us another. Give us that same example or another quick example. So let's say I'm getting ready to step into a conversation perhaps I've never had before. How would I start that and use some fairy dust on the front side of that conversation?

Well, it's part of our communication framework where you teach or not teach, but you use fairy dust on every difficult conversation that you will ever have. And fairy dust just sounds like, hey, before we step into this, I'm kind of nervous and my armpits are sweaty. But I want you to know I really care about us, and I care about our relationship, and I want this to go well. And there's a few things that I just need to share with you and know that you hear and understand them. You have a minute. That's a great setup for a difficult conversation. And then, regardless of how it goes, make sure you use fairy dust on the back side too. Right? We call it the communication.

We like to say, you can't over, over Share over sprinkle fairy dust.

Because we're all looking for that reassurance that you're in this, that you care about me. You want this to work. And if you're not, then we need to disclose that, too.

Number seven, moving right along is manage Commitments.

I think you kind of cut me off.

I know, I'm sorry, but I know radar is watching the time, time, time, time, time. See what I deal with. Ladies and gentlemen, we gotta keep the show moving. Okay, Number seven, manage Commitments. The C word is huge. In fact, just so you know, real quick story, I'll make it fast. On our second or third conversation, when Stacy and I came together over 10 years ago over the phone, she said, I just want you to know I have no intentions of ever getting married again.

Say that.

And I said, okay, that's, you know, we have not a deal breaker. Let's continue.

Well, I was very commitment phobic, and I didn't understand that what I'm about to share with you now, which is commitment for us human beings, is very normal and easy for us to do. We all want to get in. It's just we're afraid to get in. And I realized it wasn't commitment I was afraid of. It was actually navigating the inevitable ups and downs that I know after being married and divorced twice were inevitable. And I didn't need another like mark on my scorecard of divorce number three. And so I decided I was gonna solve that problem like so many of us do. We're just not going to do that. We're just not going to get married. And I had for 15 years planted and declared my non commitment flag that, hey, we can get in, we can take it so far, but I'm not going any further than X, Y and Z. And Tom was like, okay, well, we're not going to have kids, et cetera. So, yeah, I'm good. What else have you got? Until the moment did come where we had to commit. Now, the thing I want you to know about commitment is a couple of things. There's the commitment of you and I together forever, which is a vision. It's not a promise. And those are very different. It's a vision. We hope that we can fulfill our promise of being together forever. But sometimes that doesn't go so well, and there's no guarantees. And we do all kinds of things to guarantee that commitment. From getting married to buying a house, to having a baby, to buying a timeshare, having a business together for a guarantee, a Christmas together. Yeah, we're looking to give us some kind of surety that we are going to make it without realizing these things that we're sharing with you are going to be the thing that are going to help you make it. There is no guarantees when it comes to love, just like there's no guarantees when it comes to my financial future. There are things that I can do consistently over time, again and again and again that will ensure that I fulfill my vision. But it's going to take consistency, consistent focus and attention. And relationships are no different. The other thing that I want to point out about commitment today is that when we make commitments with inside of ourselves, even though we may disappoint others, overextend ourselves, over commit or judge others for the breaking of those commitments, it's always me and the wrestle with me that's going to pay the price for commitment. Let me give you an example. If I'm feeling like I'm not enough, if I'm feeling insecure or I'm feeling like I'm not lovable enough, I have a tendency to overextend and over commit myself in relationships with others, whether it's my significant other or someone else. And then I find that I can't keep them and then I hope that they don't notice and then I'm always apologizing and I feel like I can't get it right. Which only seems spikes my insecurity and my feelings of feeling less than. Because at the end of the day, whether somebody else notices or not, I notice. And that's so important. If I keep the commitment simple, if I don't commit to things that I don't really intend to keep, I feel more aligned and at peace with inside of myself, which in the end helps me show up better. And so commitments are actually for ourselves. It's a place where if we're more mindful about what we promise to do and we keep those, it creates a place inside of us where we have increased self esteem and confidence in ourselves to navigate the ups and downs of life. So if I chalk it off like it's no big deal and I dump you in the suit by breaking a commitment, then what happens is I know at the end of the day the story that I'm weaving. So a broken commitment is just a commitment that I try and slough off like it was no big deal. And I try and say, oh, is that what you thought? Oh, no big deal there. I try and make it your problem not to say that when it comes to commitments we can't renegotiate them. So before commitments are broken, it's important that we acknowledge we made a commitment and a promise even if the other person doesn't remember for ourselves, and that we renegotiate it before it's broken. And that's how we can renegotiate our commitments. But don't just try and bury them. Don't just pretend like they were made and didn't happen. Address them before you dump somebody in the soup.

So I, I, what just came to mind is let's say, you know, we committed to be somewhere and you know, you know me, babe, I like to, I like to be punctual. That's an important quality in my opinion and my practice and how I try to run my life. So if I'm running behind, I've made a commitment to be there at 11. I know it's going to be 10, then I need to reach out to that person or that party and let them know that I'm going to be late.

Yeah, I promise to be there at 11. Unfortunately, I'm going to be there at 10. Now we don't have to even get into the story. I don't have to say, oh my.

Gosh, the dog ate my shoes and.

My shoes, my car wouldn't start. I don't have to weave a story either because that doesn't work. Because then I know I'm lying. I know I'm extending the truth. I can just say, hey, I had a promise and a commitment to be there at 11. And it's actually going to be more like 11. 10. I'll see you soon. I just wanted to let you know that is renegotiating a commitment and you're staying in alignment and agreement with what you're saying. What happened there? I acknowledged what my commitment was and then I renegotiated in real time. Right.

Excellent.

So that's important because commitments are all about how you show up and feel about yourself, not necessarily the other person. That's the impact. And the more broken commitments I have, the more I feel my confidence and my self esteem is compromised within sight of myself, which tends to, to have me making more commitments and overextending myself or getting ticked that you're holding me accountable to my commitments. And that's where the whole thing begins to break down. So number eight, number eight, drumroll please.

Reinvigorate play and novelty.

Our favorite. Like, I cannot overemphasize this enough. In fact, you'll notice if you hang out with us on the Love Shack and have been. We make it a part of every single week's episode because it's, it's that important. Play and novelty are things that we.

Go, oh, Tom, I'm too old, I'm.

Too mature for that.

Yeah, we don't have time for that. That's silly. I can't spend time doing that. Look at my list of things that are important that I have to and that I should accomplish.

I'm a responsible adult now. Yeah, no time for playing novelty.

Yes, and we're mocking it because it's where we all go. As we turn into responsible adults, we lose our affinity and our need for play. So we say, and yet it's the thing that cuts us off and doesn't allow us to refuel or energize our emotional well being. And so we wonder why we struggle in our emotional lives with ourselves and others. It's because we don't refuel it. It's because we don't take care of it. And the only thing that will do that is being able to step into putting the problems on the shelf and simply allowing yourself to do something that you enjoy, to laugh, to let go, to experience something new and different. Or maybe it's something that you haven't revisited for a really long time. And so as you'll see, because we're going to move into that segment, follow the fun is something that we encourage you to do. And the reality is if you were to just do those, if you were just to allow yourself to do those every week in our conversations, I promise you it will change your life and the experiences that you have and the relationships with yourself and others.

And I, I just want to reiterate, I mean, again, sometimes people might think, you know, you folks, you have no freaking clue what I'm going through right now. And perhaps so. But again, if we wait, I really want to impart this, if we wait until everything is perfectly aligned to then start, you know, doing some novelty and play, I would again, I'm going to use my word assert. It's been a little while since I've used it, but I don't think it's going to happen because we don't everything get perfect perfectly aligned for us to make the time for novelty and play. And this is coming from someone that I'm a pretty serious dude, ladies and gentlemen. Pretty serious. I'm very responsible. So Stacy's been a wonderful influence in a good way to help me lighten up and loosen up and realize. And she'll challenge me often. Babe, come on. Why don't you? You're done now. Let's go outside. Let's watch the, the sunset. Let's watch the moon. Let's look up at the sky. Let's listen to the crickets. I mean, it literally is that simple. But if we wait and wait until everything's just right, probably not going to happen. And that's coming from someone, believe me. This has been a huge journey for me. Huge.

So we'll talk about more after the break. We've given you a lot to think about. We want that to settle in. So we're going to take a break for a few minutes and we're going to be back with that fun that we just promised. See you in a minute.

Here's what one of Stacey Bartley's clients says about working with her.

Working with Stacy has been life changing in a very magical way. I wanted to work with Stacy when I left a long term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of my relational, how would you say, unhealthiness. I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience and wrapped it into her own program. A program that is designed specially for you, for anyone that moves forward with her. She's unique, she's profound, she's, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to yourself. To work with Stacy.

To book year 30, 45 minute or 60 minute session with Stacy, go to stacybartly.com checkup hello, I'm Nathan Mum.

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Welcome back, everybody. We are your host, Tom and Stacy Bartley. We've been sharing with you the 88 super tips for toe tinkling love.

We covered four, and I'm just gonna ask you to start that over because I don't think we were unmuted.

Okay, sure. Welcome back, everybody. We are your host, Tom and Stacy Barley. Thank you so much for being here with us. We just completed the heart of the matter. We went through number 5, 6, 7, and 8 of the 8. Toe tingling super tips. Super tips. You know, and. And if you didn't catch last week's episode, please go back when we really went through 1 through 4. So after this deep conversation, how about we take some time for a little bit of fun? Mrs. Bartley, I think it's time.

Yeah. So it's summertime here in the northern hemisphere, and I'm going to encourage you this week to do some backyard camping. Yes, you heard that right. Backyard camping. Pull out a sleeping plan.

Could that be backyard glamping?

Well, I mean, if you want to make it serious. I mean, if you really want to, like, pull out all the stops, but, you know, it could be as simple as just pulling out some sleeping bags, some blankets, maybe some cozy pillows. I'm laying under the stars. Maybe you could go for a walk in the dark with a flashlight. I don't know about you, but kids are not the only ones that like to play with flashlights. Like, they are super cool. Like, you can shake them really fast, you know. Oh, I just hit my mic. I'm so sorry. But you can shake them really fast and they turn into strobe light. You know, you can shine them up into the sky and see how far you can see. And they're really cool when you put them on your hand and it helps you see, like, all the stuff in here.

So give. Give an adult a flashlight with full new batteries and watch how silly they might become.

Oh, my gosh. Yes. And then while you're out there, you can sing songs if by chance you're musically inclined. Or Tom has a drum that he plays from time to time. Or you could strum it. Yeah.

Is it below the house?

It's in the garage.

All right.

And then you could tell stories or read stories. Campfire stories. If you Google search campfire stories, there's a plethora of fantastic on the edge of your seat. Camp stories. Campfire stories. And then I want to remind everyone that with your smartphone or an iPad, you can do some stargazing. I'm going to give you three of my favorite stargazing apps right now. And we'll also have these in the shop show notes for those of you who are listening to the podcast after it's been canned. The first one is Star Walk. Starwalk is simple. It's easy to use. Doesn't take a lot of, like, you know, tech sound.

You don't have to be like an astronomer to use it.

Well, none of these. You have to be in astronomer. You could just shine it into the sky. It's super cool and it'll tell you what constellation it is, where you are in the Milky Way. It's super fun. Starwalk is a good one. Skyview is a good one. And Star Chart is a fabulous one. And that is such a delightful experience that we won't take time to do unless we make a decision to do. So. Are you stuck? I love to say this at the end of all of these. Are you stuck because there's nothing to be done, or are you stuck because you won't allow yourself to try something different? And remember, you can't feel bad enough in order to feel better. And if you haven't already gotten on the fun list. Yes, that's a thing. You can go to staceybartley.com forward/podcast and the fun list option will be there. Just click on it. Join us. We're going to be also doing a giveaway next week. We do that the first month of every month. The first week of every month for show.

Yeah, first week. First Thursday. Again, you said the first month of every month.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

So clarify that for us.

It would be the first episode. The first Thursday of every month.

That's better. You're right.

That's all right.

We're going to have some great giveaways for you next time, next week that we do randomly. So if you want to get on that fun list, you'll be able to, you know, sign up for to win some prizes that are fun as well as every week we'll give you a fun idea just like this one. And again, I can't stress this enough. If you will just do these follow the fun moments, it will change your life and your relationship again.

This week is to. To go out back and. And create some type of a camping experience.

Yeah. And it can be as elaborate as you want. You said glamping. I mean that to me, like, is you got to create food and beverage and you got to hang lights and you got to do a whole thing. I'm just suggesting that you go out and lay out your sleeping bags, your pillows, get a flashlight, maybe go for a walk in the dark, do some stargazing, tell some stories, sing a few songs and it's a heck of a lot of fun. I remember babe, when I was a kid, we used to have a water bed that we, my brother got rid of and I went, oh, wait a minute, and we blew it up and it would hang out on the back grass and that's where we would sleep out with my friends and we would have a camp out on the water pit. Anyway, you don't have to do that, of course, but just spend some time outdoors playing with the stars on the dark. And like I said, the flashlight can be a heck of a lot of fun.

Very good. Alrighty, it's now time to Spread some Love. Here is where we feature other people, platforms and bodies of work that are doing great things relationally for individuals, families, communities and the world.

And we want to take a moment and allow others to spread some love. To our Spread Some Love moment. Right, this is the moment is coming from Christian de la Harta. He is a transformation coach, a breath worker practitioner and a TEDx speaker and he's also the author of Awakening the Soul of Power. And when I asked him what tip he had to share with us today during our Spread the Love moment, he had this to say.

Hi, my name is Christian de la Huerta and I'm a personal transformation coach, I'm a breathwork practitioner, I'm a TEDx speaker and I'm delighted to and grateful to Tracy to have been invited to be on Love Shack Live in a couple of months. Short message today about relationship I've been doing retreats on different themes, one of them being conscious relationships for the last 30 years and one of the premises of my retreat work, it's paraphrasing the Course in Miracles. It says something like it's not our job to look for love, but to look within ourselves for the obstacles to love. So how are we sabotaging our relationships? How are we blocking love sometimes, even from the get go? By attracting the wrong people. By falling for people who are not available, who are not a match, who live on the opposite side of the country or the world even, who are already with somebody else or who maybe they're just not there. So why do we do the things we do? Why do we create those patterns of self sabotage and those behaviors that don't serve us? That's kind of the one of the themes of my work and one of the messages of my work is that doing this kind of work is heroic. It's nothing short of heroic to be willing to look inside and to ask ourselves why we do the things we do and why we get stuck in these patterns of relationship that sometimes feel like we're in the same boring play or the same boring movie just with a different actor. So it's really worthwhile work to be willing to go within and to ask ourselves the hard questions and to face our inner demons. Because the reward for all that is freedom and the possibility to choose and to have the kind of relationships that we really long to, to have and, and the kind of lives that are filled with meaning and purpose, a sense of personal empowerment, which is, by the way, the theme of my latest book, awakening the soul of Power, which is what Stacy and I are going to be discussing more during their interview. So thank you. Much love and many blessings. And this is Christian de la Huerta signing off.

Wow.

So true. And as you can tell, this person is exceptionally deep and very profound and he will be joining us at the end of July for a conversation on the power struggles within relationships. And we'll be giving away a few of his books. So stay tuned. There's going to be some exciting things happening there and I want to give a shout out to him for think, you know, just thank him for sharing and spreading a little bit of love with us today. That is true. I've never, I've never heard it said that way. Instead of looking for love, look for the challenges with inside of myself that keep me from experiencing love. And that would be a better path. And I, I would highly agree and say that. That is so true. So it's time for us to jump into the segment of can you feel it? And this is one of my favorites because, you know, so we give you a lot to think about in our conversations during the heart of the matter. And it's time for us to feel man. And there's nothing better than music to help us take us there, right? And so this theme song is just to take you away for a minute to help you feel what it is we hope that you experience, especially if you apply some of the things that we're talking about here. So this, this week's song that we have chosen to represent our episode is coming from Ed Sheeran. And there's several versions of Ed Saran's song called Perfect, not because life is perfect, but if you implore these eight super tips that we're talking about, if you roll up your sleeves and Start to get right, mindful of how it is you create love that lasts for a lifetime. It can be perfect. Amongst the chaos of the kids, the work, the bills, the mills, etc, you can find your way back to dancing in the dark, appreciating all that you've built and shared and weathered together as a couple. It is truly perfectly toe tingling. That's what I would say. So the song Perfect is a wonderful narrative and we chose the version that is sung by.

I'll know.

Let you. You say.

Yeah.

Andrea Bocelli. Yes, Andrea Bocelli.

And he sings in Italian because Tom and I love Italian and it's just fantastic.

I just got the tingles when I listened to it last night when Stacey said this is a fun part of our show, but we have a playlist. If you just want to start by going to the listen to the song first and then listening to the heart of the matter. Whatever works for you. But again, can you feel it? This is a big part of, of what, what we're about and really trying to encourage you and, and touch you in many different places.

Absolutely. And again, a special thank you to our wonderful engineer, Eric Ryder, who's got our back and helps us sound amazing and puts us together in ways we can't describe. And a special thank you to Christian for his Spread Some Love moment. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley. We are the host of Love Shack Live together with our wonderful engineer. Thanks so much for being here and spending time with us today in Inside of the Love Shack. We look forward to being back here again next week with you for more conversations that move the needle in our relationship, love and sex world.

And if there's something that you would like us to touch on, you have a question? Anything really. We're dedicated to, to, to serving you in places that you know that you need support, you need help is you can reach out to us stacybartly.com podcast and there's a place where you can very, very simply and easily leave us a message, a question, question, anything. You know, or have you thought about having this person on or you have a group or organization that's doing a great thing for the Spread Some Love moment, Help us become our partner. And if this show touched you in a positive way and you think there's someone in your circle of influence that would appreciate it, please share it.

Yeah, absolutely.

Until then, we'll see you next week.

Yeah, look forward to being back here with you again.

Bye for now.

Have some fun.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack we hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com Love the show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.