#45: The 5 Best Steps For Getting Over A Relationship Break-up

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Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. If you you are struggling with your special someone right now, this show is dedicated to helping couples rescue their relationships. I am Stacy Bartley, and I am here with this handsome, amazing, wonderful guy I get to call my partner, my husband. And together for the last decade, we have been mentoring couples from around the world with the sole purpose of helping them create and experience love for a lifetime. After all, at the end of the day, isn't that kind of what we're all after? If we get all in, we want it to last the long haul. So we've dedicated ourselves to that work, and we also teach a lot of sound principles and skills along the way. So wherever you are, thank you so much for being with us.

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And listen, if you have a conversation that you feel is high time to be having, go ahead and let us know. Reach out to us, because we want to have the conversations that matter most to you. And today, we're going to be having a conversation about the side of relationship. That's not our favorite part. It's not the part that we ever want to have to face, but when it happens, we got to face it. And that's breakup. We don't get into relationships that we can break up. We get into relationships so that we can create some of those experiences that tingle our toes, is what we say over here. So today in the Love Shack, we have a special guest to help us have that conversation. Right? Her name is Patrice Francois, and she refers to herself as Ms. Francois. It's Ms. Francois, right, honey?

Yes, Ms. Francois.

I said it. Ms. Francois.

Ms. Francois.

Smack me down, Ms. Francois. But it's French and it's beautiful. And she has a very wonderful accent because she's from Trinidad. And she's an incredible dynamic entertainer, speaker, producer, writer. She has a show of herself that actually was inspired because of her own frustration and heartbreaks as she was going down the road of her own relationship journey. And she's going to be here to talk with us about that journey and to give us five steps to help us face and get through. By chance, if Breakdown and break up is where you're headed and you kind of know it in your heart, but you don't want to face it, you don't want to look at it. We've got you here. Don't panic. We're going to give you some step by steps that you can wrap your head around, things that you can embrace, things that you can look at and get good at. And guess what? She has an incredible sense of humor. So she helps us find the humor and the levity in the situation, believe it or not, as we're having to maybe approach this most difficult place in the love relationship journey. She's going to be with us as we come back from our break. So stay with us. We'll be right back.

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Welcome back, everybody. We're Tom and Stacey Bartley, hosts of Love Shack Live, along with our engineer extraordinaire, Mr. Eric Ryder at the spaceship KKNW controls. And we have a very, very inspirational, lovely lady that's joining us for the heart of the matter. I'll let my wife step in and kind of take it on. Yeah.

Today in the Love Shack, we have Patrice Francois. She's our special guest here, and she's here to talk about breakups. Now, I know, I know. It's the place that makes our hearts heavy. It's the place we never want to look or we never want to face. But I assure you, she is a dynamic speaker, an entertainer, a producer of her own show, an author, and a game changing trendsetter that aims to inspire us we can do difficult things. She migrated from Trinidad and Tobago in her late teens to establish a new legacy for her life. She's currently the host of the Ms. Francois Show. And that's a talk show that actually has condemned candid conversations around the variety of entertainment of dysfunctional relationships. And she also has a book called Let that Blank, Blank, Blank Guy Go. She is an expert, she claims, at being a master at breakups. And we have her on the show to give us those five steps as well as to tell us a little bit about her own relationship journey. Ms. Francois, welcome to the show. Hello.

I am glad you finally said Ms. Francois, because I know.

Miss.

What? What were you saying, Ms. Francois? And I'm like, tom, please correct her, please. And then Tony was like, no, I'm just gonna let it go. But thank you so much. You have such a beautiful voice. My goodness. I don't like competition. Okay. I'm the one with the sexy accent.

Well, and you do have a very sexy. So let's jump in. Let's talk about your trip from Trinidad and Tobacco to the United States. You said that you wanted to create a different legacy for yourself. Tell us a little bit about that, because I highly suspect that's gonna funnel into or segue into your relationship journey as a whole.

So I like to. First of all, yes. Yeah. Just so you know, you all could Google it. Trinidad and Tobago is actually one of the sexiest accents. Okay. In the world. Thank you.

Wow. I know that just by listening to you talk. I don't have to Google it. It's evident is on the pudding in my book.

But I like to let everybody know, like when you transition in from any other country to any new country, it's always. It's a hard transition and, you know, a culture shock. It may as well. I always tell people, people used to say they couldn't understand what I was saying, but I always try to remind people everyone has an accent. So even though if I was in America, I had no clue what, I lived in New Jersey, I had no idea what they were talking about because they had accents. But it was all. It was a very hard trans position with the culture and just fitting in and knowing where I'm supposed to be and having friends and having all my family in Trinidad. It was very hard initially, but now look at me now I know well.

And I'm curious as to what the, what the catalyst was for you to migrate from your homeland to the United States.

So with parents, your parents always wants the best for you, right? And in Trinidad, my mom, she, I don't like to say left us, but she went and did other things. So when I was in the home with my two brothers, they were. I was 11 when my mom left, and my brothers, they were twins, like three, and my sister was eight. So for most of my teenage years, I was like their mom, so I was taking care of them. So in my father's head, he wanted me to have my own little life, to have my own little goals because he felt like I was being stifled having to play mother role at such a young age. So America is the land of opportunity, especially in New York, the melting pot. So I was sent here on a positive note. But I would think the first five years of being here was not that positive. But again, when you from a foreign country, you only see what you see on tv. So when you see America and you think America, I remember as a kid looking up in the sky, you're like, oh, America is in the sky. So it's amazing things going to happen when you get here. When you get here, girl, it's not that amazing. Your family, your family that tell you, girl, come. The family don't treat you that well. I have stories about if you put the light on too long, they said you're running up the bill. Like everything was an issue. You can't use the phone, you're making too much noise. Everything was always an issue. So it's if people don't mind you coming to visit. And if they know, like, if I come by, you, Stacy, and Tom, and you're like, you sure, Patrice, come along. You can see. Stay with us. If I told you I'm leaving in a week, you're gonna treat me really nice. But if I don't tell you the day that I'm leaving, Tom gonna start giving me all kind of side eye. And he's like, why she eating all my food? She eating the chicken. So it's. It's a hard transition.

I don't know if you've ever heard the old saying that staying with family and friends is like, fish, you got three days.

No, I actually never.

Love, love. Yeah, you got three days. Because by then it starts to get stinky, and it's just got to go. You either got to eat it or throw it out, you know? So you got three days on fresh fish.

No, I know. Thanks for telling me. All these years later, how long have.

You been in the States?

Last year. Last month was 26 years.

Wow.

And people always ask me how come I still have my accent? And I. I don't purposely have my accent. I just didn't realize I was supposed to get rid of it. Like, my brother been here for five years, and his first year, he was full American. I didn't even know what he was talking about. So everybody, I guess, does their own thing. But I didn't keep my accent on purpose. It's just. I never focused on it, I guess.

Well. And, you know, that's an interesting conversation as we step into the way that we relate to ourselves and the relationship with ourselves and the way that we relate with others. Why is it that we have to become something different? Why can't we just show up and be who we are? And that's a conversation where the accent gets to come along. Where you come from, it becomes all part of the history. And it's interesting to me, even in my own relationship journey, how I am trying to fit myself into somebody else's box and hope to be loved, to be accepted, to be wanted, to be a part of which is a huge driver for the human being. But when we stop to think about it, we're all kind of fighting and just want to be loved for who it is we truly are. Accent at all, colored skin and all. You know, whether I want to be a dog trainer or a poop scooper or. Or I want to be an engineer. Right. I mean, I just want to say, this is what makes my heart sing. And you may not wrap your head around it. But this is me. And I think that's something that's really precious, that we all secretly desire in the cockles of our own hearts, but we have a really difficult time, like protecting and being right. So. So I can only imagine, as you came from Trinidad and you were trying to find your place in New York City, and. And yes, you were received with open arms and loved and appreciated for that three days. And maybe they really stretched it to, like, let's give you a 30. They put a zero on. And it's very difficult, I know, personally, to get on your feet in 30 days. Right.

Yeah.

Figure. Especially when you're coming from a new country, a new language, a new culture.

Yeah. Yeah.

And so as you're starting to find your way, how did this play out into your love relationships? You call yourself a master at breakups and have written a book about it. I can only imagine that as you were stepping into, trying to date and. And connect and find love and acceptance yourself, that. That maybe this got a little interesting.

So I. I would say me coming from Trinidad, like, me having a boyfriend in Trinidad was the kind of thing where you saw the guy that you had a crush on in the streets and you're like, that's my boyfriend. But he doesn't know it. It's in your mind, right? And then you go home and you ride cars like that. That was me. Like, I had a boyfriend. He just didn't know he was my boyfriend. So I was very sheltered. So I didn't know anything about that part of dating. It's just he was cute and he was my boyfriend in my mind. So coming to America, that was really hard because you had other people. America is really fast. Right. Especially when it comes to relationship. I was, you know, I was 18, and I didn't know anything about relationships. So I think that also plays a particular part. I was very naive, and coming from where I came from, everybody was your uncle and your aunt. Right. And anybody older, you can trust them and the people. I started trusting people because this is what I grew up. You trust your elders. And a lot of them was not the right role model for me. So I get myself in many different bad situations or getting taken advantage of, and it just wasn't that positive. Like, I would say the first five years, it's just after trying to figure certain things out, then, you know, you, You. You start to understand, okay, maybe this is not smart. Maybe you shouldn't listen to auntie so forth and so on, even though she's your auntie. Right. But yeah, it was not easy.

Oh, man, my heart goes out to you. I was raised in a very naive and closed situation as well, where wasn't schooled on street smarts, and bless your heart, you were down in the heart of New York City. I was in Little Utah. Right.

People on the streets.

Yeah. And not a whole lot of diversity. So, I mean, even if I were to get, you know, street smarts or accumulate street smarts, it probably wouldn't be all that street smart. You know, if I were to go to New York City, I'd probably get spanked as well. So I know that your show that you do now was produced by some of the heartbreaks and situations that you had in breakups. Is there any that come to mind right now that you'd be willing to share with us?

What breakups? Oh, Lord. Let me see. All right.

Me too. So, girlfriend, you're not alone. Me too.

Me too.

Two main ones that I think had a huge impact on me is my first one. Your first one is like, I love you. You could do no wrong. Like, you know, the person is cheating or doing all the things that he's not supposed, though he has no ambition, no real goals. But you love that person so much, you just can't see anything past love. Right. And I stayed in that for seven years again. The whole seven years. Wasn't bad, but it wasn't good and definitely wasn't great. But I always said, I, I, I think that too. The fact that I didn't know myself. Word. I didn't love myself enough. So this is all I knew. And someone, just someone looking at me or giving me two minutes of attention, I was like, it's love, you know, and that almost went into marriage, but that turned into him cheating and all these different things. So thank God I didn't marry and I didn't have kids because that would be another situation, that would be another show right on the Love Shack. So that that one really had a huge impact. It took me a while to even get back from that to move forward. And the most recent was like 2018, where he was the. Oh, my God. He was the love of my life. I was seeing him eight days out of the week, 25 hours out of the day. Spend enough time with him, he was always there, supportive in any which way, mentally, physically, fighting. Oh, my. He was the man, girl. But as you can see, I'm still single, so something went wrong until I found out that he had, like a whole other life that involved prostitutes. And that was something he was Doing way before me. And some people actually told me older people like in their 70s was like, okay, well now, you know, he's into prostitutes and stuff like that. At least you know what you're willing to deal with. I'm like, what? I'm like, I don't want to go to the doctor and find something else is wrong with me. And again, everybody is willing to deal with certain things that I am not willing to deal with. And that does do a little to your self esteem also. It's like you start to think, am I good enough? Was it me? Was I not doing what I'm supposed to be doing? But yeah, I would think those are the two main relationships that had a huge impact on me because they both had to deal with cheating.

We all, we have a lot in common here, right? My two, my marriage of 13 years, that's kind of what brought the whole thing coming down. After 13 years of being together, I found out that he too was into the prostitution, pornography kind of addiction piece, as well as finding out that there was a lot of addiction as far as like alcohol and pills and those kinds of things. And you know what I decided I was going to do? This is why we have you on the show. As I decided I was going to go and kick the butt of the guy who was giving him the drugs and the alcohol and inspired him to do all this prostitution. That was going to be the solution to my problem, right? So I drove my family station wagon up to the house of his friend. Friend, right, like with all my little five babies tucked into bed and I'm gonna kick this guy's butt. I've like had it. I had enough. And this is what's going to solve my problem. And I knock on the door at like 3am and thank goodness there was some time for me to pace back and forth on the sidewalk, right? To think about what it is I was really doing and was this really going to solve my problem? And time he got dressed and came out to the front yard, I didn't throw a punch. I went, this isn't going to solve my problem. Because even if, if you stop or I kick your butt, it's, you're not the problem. It's the choices that my husband is making.

I sure Tom didn't know he had a gangster for a wife.

Oh, I tell you what, she takes.

Care of all the heavy work.

So let's jump into your five steps in your book. I really want you to have an opportunity to share those because if we are facing breakup That's a really difficult place to be. That's not the fun place in relationship to be. And let's be honest, we don't get into relationships so that we can contemplate the idea of breaking up. But as things start to unfold, right, and we learn things and start to get, like, inklings, like we did in our relationships, of, something smells funny, something feels funny.

Is it the same fish?

I think it might be. Like, I loved what you said, too, that we all have places where we are okay with certain things and not okay with other things. And it's not for us to judge, but what we say in our body of work is that a great relationship works for the two or more people in it, okay? So it's got to work for the whole. And. And that concoction. And those things can be a myriad of all kinds of things, Right. I think it's important for people to hear that because we're all trying to, like, make our relationships and our personalities fit into a certain container that society tells us or religion tells us or our families tell us are appropriate and okay. Where we need to really find our own way there with relationships. And I think that's part of what makes them so challenging. So it just needs to work for us. And sometime we would be okay with. Right? You have a challenge with your health or your mental health, or you. In Tom's case, he had a plethora. He had a big package. When he and I got together, I had six kids in tow, thank goodness, only one at home. But that's a lot to take on, right? That's a lot to, like, kind of wrap your head around. And that was one of the first conversations we had was, hey, are you okay with this? Right? And not only that, I had a biracial son. And so that's a whole nother piece of complexity, right? So are you okay with that? Because I don't want to put my son in a place where he's going to feel like he's less than or different than.

Well, I would say in another way of sharing that in our body work, we. We. We affirm and teach. A mentor often is the only rules that apply in a relationship are the rules between the individuals involved. So the challenge, I think, oftentimes comes is when we are trying to fit our situation into these boxes, that in my. Frankly, in my humble assumption or a humble viewpoint, they're dated and they don't work. They need to be some evolution. That's how we're. So we're trying to put things into places that just don't work. Many times those are religious based, spiritual based, could be cultural based. And again, no disrespect at all, but we have to understand, just like you has shared Mr. Infly, you weren't comfortable.

You.

That was not okay. We call that a deal breaker. That's a deal breaker. I'm not okay with that. So.

So it's not going to work for me.

Yeah, so that's. That's an important and very, very significant what we say distinction. Again, the only rules that apply are the rules between the individuals. But if that's a deal breaker, then something's going to have to give.

Well. And if you don't have communicated rules about what really is going on so that nobody can choose in a.k.a. that's betrayal, folks. That's. That's where betrayal comes from. Betrayal is something that happens behind the scenes because you haven't disclosed it.

It.

Right. Which is a conversation for another time. But just so that those distinctions are there for us to kind of like, look, we're not judging anything. What we are doing is saying, let's have the conversations and let's teach you how to really assess for yourself what works and what doesn't for you. Right? Which is what we would call like self love and acceptance, et cetera, which is sometimes a challenging place to be and stay. It's not a place you arrive and stay. It's a place you're constantly working towards. So I want to hear your five steps because I know they're fantastic. And. And so let's start with number one. What. What did you learn out of this incredible experience of being dropped into the Mecca of New York City from Trinidad, bless your heart. And then having people that you thought were going to be there and support you, that you were told this was going to work out, all you got to do is get to the States and your life sister is going to work out amazing. Like, you're going to have all the money and all the love and all the opportunity one could only hope for.

Right, Stacy? Now that you have the pressure impressed me. I was like, oh, my God. I'm like, this is a sad story.

It's a beautiful story because you know what? Look at who you are today. Look at who you are today.

And so, yeah, I am beautiful and single. So I'm hoping Tom must have a cousin, a nephew, a brother or something, because when Stacy first started his show or she was talking about and Tom this and Tom is something, I was like, damn it, can I Get a Tommy or a Thomas now. So just let me know if you all know anybody. Please send them my way.

He has a brother, Jim. So talk after the show.

Bringing that, you know, bringing this back, ladies and gentlemen, step one, step one, share that with us.

Okay? So step one. I call it clean house, right? And I always tell people it sounds where they're like, clean house. I'm, I'm lazy. I ain't trying to clean nothing. I'm crying, I'm eating myself into a coma. I'm not bathing, I'm not going to work. I'm frustrated, right? But when I say clean house, it's is to disconnect yourself or separate yourself from some of the things that you had with your ex. I'll give you examples. A lot of us, especially me and many females that I know, when you break up with someone you still go into bed with, it could be their underwear, their T shirt. You're sniffing it because you have that connection. And you, the pictures, we're looking at all the pictures, we're looking at the videos with all the different things here. Put buys us or whatever. And you're not, you're unable to move forward because that's. You keep living in the past. And my thing is to clean houses, to honestly go through everything and separate yourself from certain things. Otherwise it's going to be even harder to heal. But I always tell people I'm pretty smart. Again, you need to make some money. At the same time, while you're crying and separating stuff, you could give some to Salvation Army. You could actually sell some of the things. But instead of going to jail for anything, make sure you send him an email to let him know you're putting him stuff outside at a certain date so he has some time to come picking up. Don't call him on the phone because you know how you women get. You call on the phone and then you start to think, talk about the old time day, so forth and so on. So, ladies, let's start a clean house and separate ourselves from certain things.

I think you make a really great point there. Sometimes we secretly want to hook them back in, right? And I would say this isn't just ladies. I would say men struggle with the same thing, right? And they're looking for ways to kind of like hook them back in. It takes me back to a previous relationship where, man, I mean, up to extraterrestrial, extraterrestrials were coming to him in the middle of the night with dreams and telling him that we've got to get back together and we've got to find a way through.

Well, and. And, you know, we know energetically, I mean, that. That's in a very. I think that's very sage. Sage. You know, advice to Energetically, you know, don't set ourselves up. I love the a. It says old time unity. You know, create the conditions that make the result inevitable. So that would be. So we need to make sure that we're removing that energy so we're not stepping back into that same place all the time if we're truly expecting to move on.

And I like to put this into context of like, physical body and emotional body. So if we cut ourselves, right, and we're trying to get it to heal and we're trying to move on, you know, peeling the scab off over and over and over and over again doesn't help it heal faster, actually. It leaves a huge gaping scar. And our emotional bodies heal just like our physical bodies do. A little bit of time and, you know, the first week to 10 days to 30 days are going to be the hardest. It's painful. It's kind of like having surgery. Right. And those first few days, you think, man, I hope this is the best decision I've made. I hope this is going to go well. And then. And then you get a week, and then. And then another week and then you start to go, okay, I got this. I've got some confidence in myself and some courage to continue forward. And so I love your cleaning house. Yeah.

And otherwise, too. We know that. We like to say you've got that seduction to the familiar is incredibly strong. Right?

I mean, yeah, of course. Yeah, it's familiar. That's what, you know, that's what you're accustomed. That's who you've been with for the last five years. You know how that's who you've been sleeping next to. It's understandable, but we have to move on. And it's good. Like you said, it's going to take time. And it's always funny, just like Stacy, when you're thinking, when you're talking and you're giving examples, now you're going back to a relationship you had, you know, so you do look back now and you're like, thank God I met Tom, right?

Oh, yeah. Well, it's kind of like the. The old conversation with a wonderful mentor of mine who said, you know what if you're traveling across the United States in search of the best person or the best beer, you know, and there's going to be some pitfalls and you're going to get frustrated along the way. But when you get to the other side and you find the perfect beer for you or that wonderful relationship that you've been longing for, you're not going to care about the journey. Journey you're going to be so absorbed in, right. The experience that you're currently having. And I think sometimes we forget that when we're in the middle. Right. We're. We're still very true. Trying to find it, and we're still searching and looking and growing and becoming. And I think we don't value that part of the journey enough. We really don't. Where that's never do, never do. So what's step two, number two?

Okay, again, I have these quirky names. I call it church now. Someone is like, but I don't believe in God. God, okay, good for you. So this is how I define church. Church is different things to different people. For me, it's definitely getting on my knees and pray sometimes. You know, you ever been home by yourself, Stacy, and you just scream out, or you just want to talk to someone that's not even there. But for me, of course God is there. But I always tell people it's not even church. It could be meditation. It's just more grounding yourself, you know, just figuring out where you are, being in a quiet place. So it could be yoga for some people. It could be meditation for some people. For me, it's definitely church. When I get on my knees and I just have that quiet moment to really pause and think about things. And we need that time sometimes. People always say, oh, we need to hang out with the friends and. No, sometimes you honestly need to pause and just reevaluate things and just see where you are and maybe start to make plans for where you want to go.

I love that. Well, and, you know, a couple of distinctions there. We all know when we're running around trying to avoid dealing with what it is that's playing out in our lives, you know, we can all, if we were to take a minute and just breathe, know that I don't want to sit with that. I don't want to be with that. So we find ourselves running from friend to friend to party to party, to dance hall to whatever, so that I don't have to sit myself. That was my favorite escape the spirit of full disclosure. So we all know when we're doing that. And. And yet sometimes we have to muster up the courage to just sit and be one with ourselves, whatever that is our spiritual place inside of Ourselves, God, meditation. I love how you said yoga. Those are all really important things that we need to kind of come and do an assessment and a connection with ourselves. I would say that that's bringing our physical and our spiritual emotional bodies into the same. The same place. And I think when, as long as those are fragmented, our physical bodies and our emotional, spiritual bodies are fragmented, it's difficult for us to rudder through life because that is our navigation system. When it feels good and it seems right, then it's good for us to take a step. If it seems right but feels awful, that's. We don't want to go there. And if it feels awful, then I need to kind of probably gain some more access to information and do a little more study of myself. And if it feels good, but it doesn't make any sense. Sense, well, then we would call that inspiration or we would call that intuition. Right. And I'm just going to trust that I know. And, and I think until we kind of start learning how this human navigation system works, we're going to continue to flounder with navigating through the ups and downs of life, which we're absolutely.

Well, and I would add that, you know, I love that, Ms. Francois, that in the church or pause. I mean, what we need to know, we know scientifically. I mean, this is not me. This is proof. Pause slows our brain down. And we get in these situations that are very intense and a breakup and something that we didn't foresee coming. It's one of the most difficult periods that any of us can go through. So we need. Otherwise, we're going to what Stacy loves to call reeling. We're reeling, so we're spinning like you cannot believe. Out of control. So like you said, Ms. Renflow, whether we're kneeling, whether we're yoga, whether we're breathing, we're meditating, we're slowing our brain down so we can. Can take a moment to really, really gift ourselves an assessment of what's going on.

When couples come into my office, they're, they're, they're like, we gotta do something. We gotta do something. It's kind of like everybody's in panic mode. Should I leave him? Should I not. Should she go? Should I blow this thing up? I don't know. Somebody get the gun. Let's go.

I'm like, whoa.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna slow down because there's plenty of time to make that decision. Let's make sure that when we make decisions, that decision we're making it from a place of clarity and honoring yourself and all that you've created and all that you've input. And let's also make sure that we're complete so that we know why we're going to let it go, why we're going to move on. That's so important. So what's number three?

Link up with friends. But let me clarify. Not the dance hall that Stacy wants to go to, because I sometimes I don't even like the word friends because I say people use. The way people use it now is friends with benefit bff. It's just thrown around so much. So even in the book, I have it where. Because it's like a journal at the same time where you're gonna separate some of your friends for me in this kind of situation, I have friends called confidants. Right? And to me, I try to explain confidence as people where I can close my eye, they could hold my hand, and I don't even have to think. I. I have trust in this person that it could lead me any and everywhere, and they have my best interests at heart. So I always say, when you think go to a breakup, you don't want the friend that gets drunk every weekend or, you know, have a different partner every other day. That's not the friend you want to hang out with. She's going to tell you, put these clothes on and let's go on. We're going to have a good time. No, because the next day you might wake up and regret that. So I always say, make sure you're talking to the right friends again. Have the friends that are going to empower you, is going to uplift you, that read certain books, that listen to certain motivational personal development. Make sure you categorize all your different friends, because certain friends at this particular time, those are the ones you're going to need to reach out to and the friends that really listen. Because a lot of times when you're going through something, we, we're going to say our breakup story 5,000 times. Sometimes we just want someone to listen. We don't really necessarily want your input. And you don't want a friend, girl, this is what you should do. Let's jump in the car like Stacy with the and the kids, and we're going to beat up. We don't want no tango. You didn't go with friends, right, Stacy? Because they might have encouraged you and egg you on and then you wouldn't have this podcast right now because you might be behind bars. So Ignore the friends that you're talking to, especially when it's, you know, emotional stuff like this. So get your confidence. And they say in your lifetime, technically, a lot of times you only had two confidence. But I have, like, one right now, one main one. His name is Quinton Mezzotin, but he comes with five kids and a wife. But she don't mind. But that's someone I can trust, that I can listen to and cry 5,000 times, and he will be there to listen. It.

It's so important. And, you know, that makes me think of the statistic that we know to be true, that we become a byproduct of the people that we surround ourselves with. So kind of look at that, right? And we all know who it is we want to become. Because there's nobody that has the seeds of creation like you do, that live inside of you that are constantly saying to you, this is who you want to be. This is who you have the potential to become. And when we violate those things, things, then we get the sign that, hey, you're violating who you are and who you have the potential to be. And that usually happens when we listen to the exterior of people encouraging us to do and be things that we know are not true for us. And so it's important that we make the call in regards to the. Our way through. There's not a right way through. There's your way through. And that could be different for all of us. And the people that you surround yourself with are going to be people ideally that help you become who it is you feel congruent with, aligned with, at peace with, joyful with. Right. They can be there with you in the tough times, you know, and just let you. And the reason why we need to talk and share it with friends is because when I talk and share, I understand myself better. That's why as human beings, if you put us in isolation, we go nutso. We go crazy because we can't see and figure things out for ourselves. I need to be able to put those thoughts and feelings into words that help me understand what I'm feeling, what I know to be true with inside of myself, and work a few things out. So. So that's why sometimes we don't want input. We just want to figure it out. And I need somebody to listen, listen so I can hear myself talk. That's why talk therapy works well.

And I would say, you know, Ms. Francois, you're blessed to have Quentin. Quentin, in my definition, I love confidant. But that Quentin is a what We, I like to say is a 2am friend. So who, who can I call in my circle of influence at 2am they don't ask any questions. They only ask what do you need right now?

And, and Maya, two 2am Friend. To other people who I feel inspired to be a 2am friend. That's important. So let's go to number four, passion project.

I have found that when we're in relationships, especially females on our side, we tend to give so much of ourselves. And especially if you have kids, you're giving to the kids. If you have a husband, a boyfriend, you're making sure his goals are done, you're looking to make sure his ambitions, you encourage in him. So everything is everyone else besides you. Because we tend, tend to forget about ourselves when we're in a relationship. So this is just refocusing and going back to you, finding about the things that you love, doing some of the stuff that you left behind, revisiting those things and just getting, you know, aligning yourself and having goals. Because a lot of us forget about our goals. I don't know why it happens sometimes. Maybe it's a need to be in a particular relationship to feel loved, to feel needed. So you're doing everything else for the other person. But it's time we refocus and think about us and go to that, have a vision for ourselves. So regardless of what it is, it could be if you like to sew, if you like to sing, if you want to play a sport, let's get back or start a business. Let's start researching and finding all the things we like to do. Find out what your gifts are and nurture that to get to the next step so you can continue to transition to whatever it is that you might have, God might have in store for you.

I love that that's coming back to yourself, right? I say, I say it like this. Depression is depressed expression of self. So if I don't allow myself to express in the manner that like lights me up or is interest intrinsically curious to me, that I'm going to always feel a sense of depression. But if I feel like, hey, I want to try that out or hey, I want to try that on or hey, I'm going to go back to some of these things that I know in my past have lit me up. Those can be very empowering places for us to re engage the passion and the joy that we feel when we're aligned with ourselves. We don't think about emotions in that way. Like emotions, they are the juice of life, man. They. They are life giving, and they can also be life taking. And we need to understand that. That's part of the equation. So number five.

Number five, volunteer. Instead of you sitting down there and eating yourself into a coma and being pressed and crying and looking hideous, why don't you do something for someone else? I. I have this thing I love, the random acts. Acts of kindness. Right? And beside, even random acts of kindness, it has so many things you can volunteer. Even at the time of COVID there's still so many things you can do. We have zoom. You can reach out to someone less. Like you said, you can't be by yourself for too long. You need to talk to someone so you can talk. Pick up the phone, talk to someone you haven't spoken to or reached out in a long time. Reconnect random acts of kindness. Even when you go to work, get one of your staff. Because I'm a manager and where I work, maybe buy your staff something. Like, for instance, tomorrow is someone's birthday. Typically, you know, everyone just says, happy birthday. I'm gonna get her some flowers. So just do something to bring a smile to someone else's face. And as always, once you give, you receive, and not even something tangible, you. You end up being happy. You feel good about yourself and you feel good about doing something for someone else. So just sometimes put yourself aside and just think about others and you can see how much joy you'll get from that. And joy that you wouldn't be given to someone else.

I love that. And it doesn't have to be hard. It can be really simple. Right?

Exactly. That's what I tell people all the time. Even if you leave a note like, I have this thing, I love my manager. I like, leave little notes like, and sometimes just remind people how much I appreciate them. Because people don't say that enough. People just assume someone know they love them. Someone assume that you care about them. But a nice little not could make such a difference and brighten that person's life.

So tell us the five steps again really quickly as we kind of recap here so that we can just remind everybody of what those significant five steps are.

So one thing I want to add. So the book is called five plus steps in getting over a Relationship. Because I was being smart. It's really six steps, but people can be as smart as me. So the sixth step is exercise. I know you don't have to join a gym for me. I'm from Trinidad. The main music is Soca and Calypso. We Play the steel pan, steel drum, as Americans call it. You could dance around the house. You just. Just enjoy yourself, smile to yourself, play with the kids, take them to the park. Because again, you don't have to spend money to do something so simple. And exercise does so much for you. It gives you energy, it brings you joy, it makes you smile. So it's just having fun with yourself. It could be cleaning. Some people love to clean. So exercise. So it's actually sip steps.

Yes.

Move.

Right. Moving our physical bodies is the counterbalance to our surrounding in our emotions.

And it's absolutely. Again, I'm. You're usually the science geek, but this one is so counterintuitive. But it's absolutely the fastest way to change our state is to move. It's. It's again, I mean, it will. And typically when the more that we depress our expression, as Stacy said, the more that we don't do anything and we go and hide and go into our little, you know, cave of life and despair and we don't do anything. And so movement. And you have touched on Stacy's most favorite thing to do, Ms. Francois, is to dance.

I got it. Once you threw in the word dance. All I said, that's my kind of girl. Girl.

So let's all come up with some takeaways as I wrap up our conversations today about what are the most profound ideas that we've talked about here today that have touched you that we can pass along to our listeners. I love this part. It's my favorite.

Well, I'll go first. I'm going to jump in. What I love about all these Ms. Franc way is. And what in our body of work is. Is as cliche as it sounds. It's so true. When we go through something like this, the real key, key to getting complete and moving forward is to look inside of ourself and really get in touch with who we are. Because you know what? We can never get enough of what we don't already have. So going through this most difficult, I would say this most difficult experience in life, a breakup, a breakdown with a significant person, a husband, wife, significant partner. We have to get back in touch with ourselves when most of us want to look and quickly step into a new. A new person thinking that's the answer and that is not the answer. The answer is going through these steps that you do. We teach them as well, in a different manner, but similar in that way is we have to get what we say into the I am of who we are. And it's It's a process. And many times, like you had said, Ms. Runsway, we have not done it in a very long time. So that's what I love. They're all parts of the journey to get in touch with who we are, what makes our heart sing, what gives us. Us inspiration, what adds energy to our life.

Yeah. Is he. Is he taking on my Francois? Is that hilarious?

Ms. Francois, I got a little sidetracked because I got so excited to jump in because usually Stacy hogs the microphone.

No, what would.

What would be your takeaway? What would be your takeaway, Ms. Francis?

I also like to remind people, like I say, it's six steps, right? And one size doesn't always fit all. You could use all of them. You could use two of them. I mean, find what works for you, right? And I think that's the thing. We have this thing. Oh, one size fits on our. I always use, say one size does not fit. All right, ladies. Because everyone likes to think we could fit into that one. No, we can't. So find what works for you and whatever works for you. Again.

Again.

And share whatever you have learned. Incorporate other people into it. Because again, you can't get anywhere or get over anything or transition alone. We always need. We need that person next to us to help pull us to that next level. And if you're like me, you'll have Quentin. If not, oh, well, get your own Quinton. I don't share.

And I would say remember that there's nothing wrong with you, that you're not broken, and that oft times, breakups can be the greatest place of transformation that we'll ever see. Like, it really helps us step into ourselves and who we have the capacity to be if we can embrace it. So, yeah, we all make messes. We're human beings. That's what we do best. But use this as the opportunity to. To grow yourself, to explore yourself and to transform and take a bold step forward and it into who it is you have the capacity to become. And I promise that breakup always takes us there. I promise. So take a breath and know that it's going to be okay. And you're going to get through this.

Please share with us where people can find out more about you.

Well, I make it easy. Make sure you don't look for Francois. Okay? You're looking for www.miss Francois. And the MSS is for multi talented and super sexy, so don't misspell the Ms. So, Ms. Francois dot com. I'm on all social media and it's the same thing. Ms. Francois.

Oh, I love that. It's been such a joy and such a pleasure. What an incredible human being. So wonderful to cross paths. I'm grateful for you. Have a beautiful day. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Stacy and Tom, you guys are awesome.

Yeah, right back at you. We're going to take a break really quickly and then we're going to come on back and we're going to explore some. Follow the fun. We got to have it as part of the relationship journey as well as maybe feeling a little bit it. Don't be scared. Come on back. We'll see you in a minute.

Here's what one of Stacy Bartley's clients says about working with her.

Working with Stacy has been life changing in a very magical way. I, I wanted to work with Stacy when I left a long term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of my relational, how would you say, unhealthiness. I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience and wrapped it into her own program. A program that is designed specially for you, for anyone that moves forward with her. She's unique, she's profound, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to yourself to work with Stacy.

Learn the simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to stacybartley.com workshop.

Welcome back.

We are your host Tom and Stacy Bartley. Thank you to Ms. Francois. If you've not checked it out, please go back in the episode. She was incredible. She gave us actually the six steps process, not five. And now we're going to step into what we call follow the fun.

Yes, Follow the fun. Today my super tip for you to follow the fun. This is a place where we get to let go of our problems and we get to step in and explore ourselves. Novelty and play. These are the things that recharge charges so that we cannot run out of gas as we're kind of taking on life's challenges, exploring ourselves, showing up in our relationships in profound ways. If we don't find a place to recharge ourselves, then we tend to run out of emotional gas. So today I want to encourage you to feel a sense of freedom by experiencing the wind. I know that sounds so incredible, doesn't it? I love this. It's a go to. It was when I was a child, when I was faced with very difficult things like losing my father or the breakup of a boyfriend that I had a crush on or a friend that didn't accept me because my pants weren't the right brand. I would run to the wind. I would go down to my local place and I would find a place on the swing and I would swing and I would swing and I would swing. And that feeling of the wind makes us feel free. And we don't realize that sometimes. So here's some ways that you can feel and experience a sense of freedom by experiencing the wind on your face. Number one, you can roll down the window of your car and just stick your arm out. You can feel it. I love to play with the wind with my hand as I stick my arm out, right? It's like, woo, okay, life is going to be okay again. I feel free. You can ride a bike. You can ride a motorcycle. You can rent a scooter. That too. With our wind blowing, you know, and through our hair and on our face, it makes us regain an ability to say, I'm free. I can do this. It's going to be okay. And then just like me, find a swing somewhere. There's lots of play yards and schoolyards. If it's been a long time time, it's time. And I'm going to give you a super tip here. The longer the chains on the swing.

The higher you can go.

So feel the wind on your face and experience that freedom at last for just that few minutes that you're doing it. It's an incredible experience that sometimes we forget we can access any time we want to. Are you stuck because there's nothing to be done? Or are you stuck because you won't allow yourself to get on that switch swing to go for that bike ride, to stick that arm out and roll the window down and get your hair all messy? I'm going to encourage you to do it. You got to do it now, right now. Especially if you're facing a breakup or some major transitions that are happening in your relationship. You can also get on our fun list each week and that is a place where you can go and access the fun list the first of every month. We're going to be given some giveaways. So make sure you get on that fun list and get these super tips every single week so that you too can continue to follow the fun in your own life. We're going to spread some love now. This is where we feature people and platforms and body of work that are doing really great things, whether that be as individuals or families or communities in the world. They're spreading some love and they're going to give us some super tips in regards to their relationship journey so that we can all learn right, have our perspectives challenged sometimes. And today we have Veronica Williams and she is a mentor for Military Wise wives through her ministry and her personal example. She's a military wife herself. Her husband has worked with presidents in many high offices and she has this to say with us today.

Hello, my name is Veronica Williams and I am a master certified life coach of Alliance Seminars Coaching. I am looking forward to being inside the Love Shack with Tom and Stacy really soon. As a guest, the thought I want to share with you about love and relationships is to always communicate mutually, respect each other and set realistic goals for your relationship. I look forward to us being together inside the love shack.

She's going to be an incredible guest, so you can look forward to that. And all you military wives out there, she's got some amazing things to share with you because of everything that's going on military wise. I can't wait to have her on and have her share her wisdom with you. So as we close out our show today, we love to end our shows each and every episode with a can you feel it? Experience. And the reason why we do this is we've given you a lot to think about, right? We've given you a lot of tools and, and things that you can maybe contemplate putting into your life. But then sometimes we just need a little music, in my opinion, to help us feel the essence of the episode. And so every episode has a song. If you want to access the playlist, you could absolutely do that in the show notes or you can access it on our website. Today's song that we have chosen is by Sam Smith and he sings a very heart touching song about Too Good Goodbye where he talks about saying goodbye. Man, that's becoming really, really easy. What does that mean about me? I love that song. Long. It's something that we can contemplate as well. But sometimes saying goodbye isn't always the answer. So let's get clear about that in our own lives. Check it out again wherever you find our podcast and on our website, you can access everything that we're talking about here and you can download the playlist on Spotify and each and every episode that we have done up to this point in time, I think we're, oh, I don't know, 50 something and counting. You can access them all in our website. Anything you want to say about that song?

No, it's. It moves you. I always like to say, challenge yourself and listen to the song first and then listen to all the, the stuff in the, in the brain part of, in the cranial part of our, of our body, if you will. That's it for this week's Love Shack Live. We so appreciate you spending time with us. Hopefully you've gotten some value out of Ms. Francois. Awesome. Six tips.

You just said Francois.

Oh, Francois, Francois. My French.

I'm transferring.

My French is horrible. Horrible. No dis. And I love how that Ms. Francois.

It'S on the Dan tone. A special thanks to her.

Yes.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and your humor around life's difficult challenges and breakup today. And we also want to give a special shout out and thank you to Veronica Williams for spreading some love with us. We encourage you to come on back next week and join us for some additional ways that you too can improve your love, your sex and rescue your relationship. If by chance you're strong, struggling right now and.

Yeah. And if you, if this particular, you know, specific conversation and where you find yourself is, is triggering you and you're in, in some difficult places and causing some fighting, we have a brand new incredible resource and it's how to stop a fight in 20 seconds. And it's an incredible resource. It's free. All you need to go to is stacybartley.com forward slash, stop fight.

And you can download that and you can get some help and support with that. If you found your time here with us to be valuable, we ask you to help us promote this work and spread and share this podcast with others who might be struggling in their relationships as well, that they too can find the tools and the skills and a new perspective. Take a breath and a pause so that we don't have those continuous regrets in our relationships. We're Tom and Stacey Bartley, host of the Love Shack Live together with our engineer Eric Reiter and our fabulous guests today who've contributed to our show. Thank you so much for being here with us today inside the Love Shack.

We'll see you soon.

Yeah. Bye. Bye for now.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.