#48: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong Throughout Military Life

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And because we're two days away from the 20th anniversary of September 11th, we all know that date, it's pretty drilled into our minds. If we're Americans, we're honoring today the couples that sacrifice so much in the day to day as service to our military. The impact and sacrifices that military members and their families make for us Americans is huge. It's extraordinary when you start to really take it in. Typically, one person is training or deployed while the other is keeping the home and family together. Couples and families can go weeks, if not months, without hearing the voice of their loved ones. Often times without even the reassurance of knowing that they are safe. A challenge that is hard to comprehend unless you are absolutely experiencing it. All the while having to deal with, okay, all the stuff that doesn't stop back at home. The kids, the paying the bills, the groceries, the cooking. Life, day to day life that we all have to navigate without all of the military service and sacrifices that are being made in the Love Shack today. We are so grateful and honored to have a very special guest, Veronica Williams. Veronica has been a military wife for more than 20 years to her husband, Darrell. While he served as an operations and vice presidential communications officer, Daryl has also led over 500 White House missions, including the tragedies of September 11, 2001. Daryl was also selected as one of five key leaders from 30 senior managers to direct emergency action communications for the Vice President of the United States, including duties as an Air Force two commander representative. Behind every great leader, we know that there is an equally great partner. What was Veronica's role in her husband's success? We want to ask her. We want to know what were some of the challenges of being a military wife and how did she keep the love alive and continue to do so with all that had been accomplished with her husband and her family and her three beautiful children, this is a conversation that is sure to bring some inspiration and empowerment to us all. Stay tuned for a wonderful conversation with Veronica after this break. We'll be right back.

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Welcome back everybody. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley. Welcome to Inside the Love Shack. This week we have an awesome Heart of the Matter segment of our show. We're going to start right there. I'm going to Stacy, set this up and bring our awesome guests into the Love shack.

We are two days away from the 20th anniversary of September 11th. We all know that day, and we are honoring the many couples that sacrifice so much day in and day out by serving in our military. The impact and sacrifices that these military members and their families make for us as Americans is huge. Typically, there's one person training and deployed while the other is keeping the home and family together. And today we have a very special guest, Veronica Williams. She's the co founder of Alliance Seminars Coaching. She's also a master certified life coach, a licensed minister and a certified facilitator who provides clients with expertise in the areas of relationships, empowerment and purpose. Her experience has influenced women and strengthened couples throughout the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. And she's utilized her own gifts and talents as well as her knowledge to encourage individuals wherever they are in their life journey. As so she also coaches military wives, which is why we have her here with us today. She is the spouse of a veteran helping women maneuver through the challenges that come up in military life. And her husband has served in the military for 20 years in some very significant places. And so we have her on to share with us. Welcome to the show, Veronica. How is it that we can be successful with our husbands being deployed? But let's kind of start back at the beginning. I know a little bit about your story because you and I had the privilege and honor of sharing prior to the show. And so tell listeners, you know, if you will, how did you get yourself here? Like, like how in the world did you get yourself into the position of being a military wife? Because some of us women would go, oh, heck no, not going there, right? Because we can see the sacrifices and the challenges that that might bring into an already challenging situation of ensuring that your marriage, your relationship, your partnership lasts for the long haul. And that just seems like a stumbling block right from the get go. And yet here you are, married 30 years, three beautiful children doing the work that you do. And so we want to learn so much from you today and your share. So how did this all get started? Let's rewind the clock back 30 years if we could. And you and Darrell are meeting and love for the first time. Did you know that you were stepping onto this path?

I had no idea. First I want to say Darrell and I went to junior high and high school together. We were friends and we also had mutual friends. After high school, I went to college and he went into the military. No real contact. But as he progressed in his military life, there was several times in his trips, once he became the lead and the vice president communications officer for several of the presidents that allowed him to travel back and forth to California where we would. He would get together with a few of our high school friends. They would call me to go, but I always had something to do. So one particular time when he visited, I told them I could not make it, but you know, it was okay to give him my number. And we went out separately. We actually went on a lunch date. I would say a date now, but we just went out to lunch as friends developed some small talk, big talk, this what we're doing now, where we've been. And from there it just took off to our commercial say our, our conversations leading to more communication back and forth. It was a long distance relationship in that when we were friends and then it just kind of just trickled off to one day. We were talking for several hours, we hung up the phone and he called me back, but I did, I wasn't home and I back home and I'm a woman of faith. And I was like, oh Lord, his voice sounds a little different from when I talked to him earlier today. I'm not gonna call him back for three days because you answer in threes. Let me start praying because that sound a little different. So actually when I did call him back, the conversation was a little different. He was asking about how would I feel about, about dating or considering ourselves to, to date and get to know even more than what we are already learning about each other. And because it was long distance and because we had time where we could travel back and forth or he would travel back and forth. I said, well, what I would like to con, what you to consider is that is something very taboo. But you're going to have to court me because knowing your, your status, knowing that you being in the military and knowing that you live thousands of miles away and knowing that you had an upcoming trip to go to Korea, I want to make sure that this is what you want or if this is something that I would like to consider. And that's how it started. It started meeting at our class reunion, building a friendship, and it just flowed right on into a relationship that led us to getting married and being here. We just celebrated 23 years of marriage on Sunday.

Congratulations. That's incredible.

And three kids later and a lot of challenges right in there. Not so much with our relationship, but developing just life challenges that any person and individuals will go through.

Did you know that you were stepping in and agreeing to being a military wife when you married Darrell?

I did, because he had already been in the military for 13 years and so that meant we were getting married when he had reached that 13 year park. One of the helpful things that Darrell did for me is that because we had such a great friendship, we talked really in depth about the military and what it encounters and what his life was like here in Maryland once I would move here with him. But the one thing that he did do for me is that he purchased me a military spouse book. And that was for me to read. And we, that was our discussion point when we would talk on the phone because it had for him, he highlighted what his job role is and what was going to be important for the military spouse, what they needed, such as they're going to need your support, they're going to need your patience, they're going to need your understanding. It was going to take all of that and that's how that was the one tool that really helped me be able to say yes once he proposed. Because I felt like I read enough and I felt like we were talking very deep and not just surface talk. And the one thing that really drew us together is that we both had a faith, believing in Jesus Christ, and we both were living our single lives under that ordinance. And so with that, that, that also helped us develop our relationship to realize that we, we are compatible, we have a lot in common and we enjoyed each other's company and we took time to build a foundation in our friendship before we said I do.

Beautiful. I love the word court me, because that's not a term that's used much any longer, especially for RDN or our younger generation. What did that look like? I'm curious for our listeners, what does being courted look like?

One of the first things after I told him that I got a piece of mail and in that mail it weighs a brooch or what do we call it? A pendant. And that pendant was the initials dw, which is Darrell Williams. So I guess he branded me in that way.

That's courting.

And that was the way to assure me that he was here, you know, and he wanted to be here and he wanted to stay. And when I say here, he wanted to be in my heart. And so a lot of that. The ways that he wooed me was amazing because I would get letters with cologne on them. I would get cassette tapes. Was during that time, this is 1998, where there was still cassette tapes. And he would have all these. This whole music list that he put together that was making. Expressing himself as far as every song back to back, how they were. Because I like to call Darrell Radio Raheem or DJ Radio Raheem, because in his younger days in high school, he was one of the DJs and the rapper. And so when I got those that took me way back to high school, like, wow, this is a real deal.

That's great.

And so get. And even with that, you know, I would get bouquets of flowers. You know, when he would come to town, he would have a military stuffed animal. We would go out to dinner. We would even go to jazz clubs just to. Because we both liked jazz at the time and just enjoy each other. Go to different venues that wasn't so much by ourselves, but an open space so we could see how each other interact with other people, strangers, our friends, our family. And to realize if that's. Is this person really who they are? Are we really. From what I know on the phone and spending my personal time, does this person really possess the character of someone that I still want to say I do too?

So let's. Let's say you. You step to the altar. You say, I do. We're going to do this thing. I understand what I'm signing up for. And. And then life continues on, right? And as we all know, life can throw us a few surprises, right? We think we know what we're signing up for and what we're going to navigate through. And then there's like, holy cow, I didn't know that that was part of the deal. Okay, here we go. Right? Buckle your seat. Felt as we are thinking about the 20th anniversary of September 11, like, like that day. I sure. I'm sure there. There was many times because of his commitment to his military service that he was up and gone in an instant. Maybe when you had plans to do something different, right? That surprise or that caveat that kind of like rocks the boat for a minute and then there you are. To kind of make it seem normal and okay and reassure your kids and yourself. Tell us a little bit about may experience that comes to your mind in regards to that. And then how it is that you kept yourself together while you're saying goodbye to your husband, not knowing what he's walking into, and reassuring your children that, hey, we got this. It's going to be okay. We'll see you soon. I'm curious as to how you navigated all those parts and pieces.

So September 11, when I think about it, it was a bittersweet moment for us. We were actually at the. At the Bethesda Naval Hospital at a doctor's appointment. And what we found out is that I was pregnant that day. Wow. And so in the midst of it, it got really chaotic and stoic. What we were hearing over the loudspeaker, they were calling for the emergency personnel, you know, go to the. They were going to get a helicopter, go to the rooftop or things like that. And we're wondering, like, what is going on? Because we're in our appointment. No TV was on. We didn't know. And when he heard that, he said, oh, you know, I need to check in with my office, you know, because we were going to the doctor's appointment and he was going to go to work and I was going to go back to work. But what happened is, in the middle of that appointment, when we realized that the Twin Towers in New York had been crashed with the airplane, our heart just dropped. And we. And then we began to see all of the military personnel from the hospital, the medical people running through the hospital, and that's when we knew it was something serious. Darrell checked in with his office and he realized he needed to go. We both had rode together, so he had to take me home, and he needed to pack a bag. And he didn't know when he was going to come back. But I understood that, you know, at this time. And all we did was just prayed about it. You know, we prayed for the people in the Twin Towers. And by the time we made it home, that's when the. The airplane from the Pentagon had been hit. So traffic was a chaotic mess because people were trying to get out. People were walking on the. This is on the highway that we were on. And we were trying to get home as fast as we could because he needed to make it back to D.C. to his team. And at the same time, he had gotten a call that he was going to be one of the few people to have to do to. Positioned or they were called to be in this emergency, a newly developed emergency. Oh, gosh, I can't. The word doesn't come to my mind right now. Emergency Like a response team or emergency response team.

Okay.

And he had to. They had to develop a plan how they were going to remote operate this opportunity as a result of the tragedies that have occurred. And once he got situated, it was very, very, very late at night. He called to let me know he was going to be gone a few, few days. Well, I already knew he was going to be gone. But at a point like that, for me, I grabbed hold to my community, my military community. And at the time, I was working a civilian job, and I had civilian friends, and I called my village, you know, I called my community village to let them know this is what has happened. If I need you, are you available? Will you be around? And they were there. And what made it easy for me to accept that Durrell's job was just pick up and go at various times is that I want to say that when I first moved here to Maryland, there was three women in my life that helped me to become the woman that I am today as a military spouse during the time that he was in and even in our retirement organization. And one of the women that helped me, she was in the military. But as she and her husband began to have children, she got out of the military to become a wife. And two others were working civilian jobs and helped me to navigate how to be a civilian employee and navigate the military lifestyle all at the same time. So if I did not have those three women in my life today, I don't know that I would have been able to handle 9, 11, September 11, 2001. And because I had those women in my life, that's what helped me to get through that and to be the supportive wife that he needed at the time. And even in the midst of us, we wasn't even able to be in our joy too much. As far as we just found out I was pregnant. Wow. And he had to go. We couldn't even go have lunch. We couldn't just enjoy and embark on that. Right. But needless to say, that was the start of some of the challenges in our marriage. And I say that to say that on September 11, we found out that we were pregnant. But by December of that year, I had. We had to have a miscarriage. And that was as a result of going through various tests. And we were actually at a. In December to. We were actually at a White House Christmas party with President Clinton and Hillary Clinton, and I had taken sick, and their doctor and their nurse rushed to my attendant to attend to me. And. And I had a doctor's Appointment the next day. And so that's what happened. We lost the child there. That was like moving fast forward, but just going back that day sticks out for me because that was the first day that we had some bittersweet news. We had joy that we were having a baby, and then we had. That Darrell had to go away for a certain amount of time.

Yeah. Well. And was that your first child?

That was our first child.

Okay. Because I know you have three beautiful children as well as one son and two twins. Right. A boy and a girl.

Yay.

So, thankfully, this miscarriage has a happy ending, but there's nothing that can offset the disappointment of that. I know, right? It's not something that you can replace. It's something that you. That you experience becomes a part of who you are. So let me just say I'm so sorry. Right. That that little soul will always carry a place in your heart, I'm sure. And. And I'm so thankful and. And grateful that you were able to go on and. And fulfill those dreams of having a beautiful family, which just adds to the story. Right? I mean, the story is like. Okay, so I'm sure that it wasn't just September 11 that Darrell was called away, but many times. Right. Was he there for the births of your. Your children? The two births of your children? Yes. He was able to do that.

Fortunately, he was able to be there.

Yeah. Sometimes that's not always the case. Right.

But I want to say, for Jarrell and I, the way we handled our trap, our. Our tragedies and any of the challenges that we had at that pivotal point in our life, it was our faith that took us and that carried us through. If we had not had our faith, faith and the assurance in knowing that God knows best, I don't think we would have made it. But I also met family members and friends who had gone through some of the same type of mis. Gone through miscarriages, who was able to help encourage me along the way. And that's how we got through it. You know, we got through it through our. Our village, through our family, our friends, our military friends and community, as well as our civilian friends and community. And anything. One thing you don't want to do when you do go through challenges as a couple is to isolate yourself. And though I physically went through the. The challenge of having the miscarriage, Darrell has some emotional things going on as well.

That's a great point that you bring up, because so many times that we think that the men aren't affected by these types of things. Because it's not necessarily a physical experience for them, and yet they do. And sometimes they get kind of pushed to the side, don't they?

Right?

They do.

And I think he felt that way because people were calling. But what happened is a lot of his friends reached out to him. At the time we were starting. At the time, we were just working so hard as youth workers or youth leaders. He was a youth minister or youth director. I was a youth assistant with him in youth ministry. Here we are pouring out all of our heart to help these military children on the base of the church, where we went. And yet we go through this tragedy, but yet it did not. Of course, we went through the grieving process, but we had to make sure that we went through them and that we did not get stuck there. And that's what helped. And I think what assured Durrell that I was going to be okay is that when I had to, I unexpectedly, I didn't even. I shocked myself. I gave a testimony. And what I heard God telling me about our situation, and I shared it with Darrell, is that we're only in this storm for as long as we allow ourselves to be. You would say, well, what does that mean in the midst of me going through? Well, what that meant. And God explained to me, he said, veronica, as soon as you turn it over to me and stop worrying about what happened and try to just pick up the pieces, I'll mold and shape it back together, and you will get the healing that you need. So I didn't waddle in that, although I met women who said that for 24, 24 years prior to me, that they had had a miscarriage and they were mad with God and they were happy that I shared that story and shared what he said, shared with me and with Darrell. That's what we got through. I. I remember us sitting on the bed, and I shared that with him. Of course, we're crying, and I let him know. I said, so guess what? We're gonna move through this. We're gonna get through this. Because not only that, his next travel was coming up, so he did not need to worry about me, all the while taking care of the mission at hand with his military job. Right? And that's what happens. Learning to get through that and. And finding ways to nurture your own relationship in the midst of your. Your storm and the challenge, but yet finding ways to pick up the pieces to get you to get moving and not get stuck because you're already. You might be broken, but, you know, it took our faith to Put it back together again.

I love that. I'd like to drill down on that a little more if we could. It's. It's the internal dialogue or the relationship that you have with yourself or God, something outside of ourselves where there's a common focus of place and place of support. So when, when struggles would happen or disappointments would occur in your life, what I'm hearing you say is that you would have the ability to say, turn it over, let it go, move on, don't stay stuck here. You know, I would love for you to drill down on that a little more. This, this internal dialogue that you have to say, this is going to be okay. You're going to heal from this, you're going to move forward, right? You're going to get through this seems to be very much a mantra in regards to your internal dialogue, which is fantastic. And I think so many of us struggle without that internal dialogue. In fact, the dialogue becomes more like, oh, gosh, I'm never going to get through this. This is going to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. I'm so broken. Right. I need to stop. I can't do it. You know, it's all this incredible self doubt that sets in is instead. And so it sounds like you became a very good cheerleader for yourself. Like, tell us more about that.

I did.

I had to become a cheerleader for myself because, you know, just when you're going through challenges, there are some people that are right there with you and then there's some other people who don't really know you, but may have misplaced admirations towards you, meaning that they like you, they like what you're doing, they would like to be in the position where you are, but I don't know how to get there. I had some people also that would just, I don't know, casually do certain things to make me try to remember that I had a miscarriage. And let me pause here. It wasn't just one. I had two somewhat back to back a year and a half after. And so even though I had my village and I had my. My family and my friends, I had to. It was an everyday struggle to just believe and know that my God had my back. Because I want to tell you, I never shared this with other people. I did share it with Darrell, but one day I was at work and it was around Christmas time. This is after the second miscarriage and my office, someone had came in my office. They were visiting with my supervisor. I left out, I went to lunch, I came back and someone had cut out from a newspaper sell items of baby stuff. Now that would be so hard. That was so hard. It was so much of a struggle. And I held that within myself. And I went and I called my oldest sister to let her know, because I just didn't know how to handle something like that. So even when you're going through there's. And you have your village, other people try to come and pray on that. I never told my boss, and I probably should have because. But I didn't tell him because I believe God showed me who did it. And I want to say that you don't want to mess with God's children in such a devilish way, you know, an evil way, because things happen to you. But I kept that to myself. I told Darrell, I told my sister, my oldest sister. I didn't even tell all my other family members. But I was reminded of that when you asking me the question. You have to be encouraged. You have to just. You know, one thing about me is that I was comfortable in my own skin. I was comfortable with who I was. I was comfortable in knowing that it wasn't really about Darrell or I and having our miscarriages, it had nothing to do with both of us. It had all of the will of being able to share and let people see who our God was. Because as Christians, and we never said, oh, I'm a Christian or whatever, but the what. The way that we lived in our walk. As you could tell in my speech, you don't talk negative. You don't go and approach people. You just kind of just give it to him. And that's what I did. And as a result, you know, peace will come. And then you just. You gotta just know who you are. You got to be comfortable in where you are. And when you've walked this walk. By the time I had a child, I was, you know, in my 30s at this time as well. You just gotta. Just don't lose doubt. If you're gonna trust God, just stick out with it. And that's what I had to do. And eventually our children came. Our first son came at the age of 37. So in all of that and in all of the waiting, there is still hope. But the thing is, you cannot give up on yourself and on the situation itself. That it cannot. You got to believe that it can be brighter, and you have to do the things that it takes to be there. And because we had already developed and established a healthy marriage and foundation that allowed us to get through some of the extreme challenges and the most difficult thing, and I would say a hard thing for couples when they are challenged at a miscarriage or a loss of a baby because, you know, they eventually want to split up because someone, they do the blame game. But that's one thing we did not do, is do the blame game. And we sought out couples that had been in our shoes and we also sought out our, our leaders in our church who were right there to help us and guide us through what we needed to hear from God or when we didn't think we were hearing from him and, but just encouraging that, you know, you have challenges on both sides, you know.

Absolutely, absolutely. So Veronica, let me ask you, you know, specific to your, your being a military wife with your, your husband and such and thank you for his service. If you had to look back now where you sit and look back specific to your military experience when Darrell was in the military. It's a two part question. What would you say was the most difficult part? That's number part number one. Then part number two was what would you say was the best part?

The most difficult part was there was times when he would have to travel and he would get put on another trip. So you have that great anticipation that he's coming home. And then you get that great, you get that big call that didn't, that somber call that he's not coming home.

Yeah.

And so now what do you do? Because you know, you have plans, you have that honey do list now that you're back in town and it doesn't get, it won't be happening that day. I would say that was the hardest parts, having times when he would be on one trip expected to come home and having to jump on another trip. And that happened several times when we had a hurricane here, Hurricane Isabel in 2000 and something he was on a trip and had to jump home. You know, I had to jump off and I'm here. And at that time I was actually pregnant in 2003. And that was a difficult time. And so I had to reach out to my, my, my, my village because our power was out. I was pregnant. I was and I had very, very bad morning sickness. And so as a result of reaching out to my village, one of the couples came over and picked me up and took me to could get back.

So how about part two? The best part?

The best part, I would say being able to meet two presidents and party with President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, that was so much fun. Those are. And photo opportunities with President Bush Jr.

He.

One thing about the Military, you, you don't get political in that you choose who you like by your, your political party. But his mission is to serve the position. And so I, we learned how to be fair. We learned how to just, it was, it was wonderful. I, I, that was be the best highlight is being able to and when we got married, one of Darrell's words that he said to me is that he's going to take me places that I've never been before, and he'll introduce me to people that I never think I could. And that was those took me places that I didn't know I would go to because I went to Korea when he was there touring on a duty of tour. And I met two presidents in a lifetime that most military people don't get to do. And I've had photo opportunities with both of those presidents to show for it. So it's been, that would be the most heartwarming good part about it.

He made it. He made good on his promise.

It sounds like he made good on his promises.

So, Veronica, as we wrap up here, imagine in your mind for a moment that you have a military person who is either receiving somebody home right now. Right. And that's hard too. Right. I've learned how to do life without you. And now finding a place for you can be just as challenging as there was a place here for you, and now you're gone. How do I replace the loss? What would you say? What are like one or two, three things that you would say to maybe a person that's listening right now who's navigating that situation?

Yes. What I would say to the couple, because nowadays you have spouses, husbands who are military spouses and their wives are in the military. And so to both spouses, I would say grab hold to the resources around you in the military community as well as in your community, which you live, your civilian community, and embrace that and to fill in the gap and the void that you're filling. Because a lot of times it's, we feel stuck with the children all by ourselves, where our spouses, we think, are out having a little fun, but they're fighting on the front lines, right? So you need to get the help. When people offer help, go ahead and receive it so that you can get the break. If not, there's a lot of organizations out there that offer babysitting services that you can pick the right one for you. And when the spouse comes home, don't be so quick to just turn everything over to them right away. Let them be able to put Their suitcase down, digest that I'm home. Because a lot of times when they walk through the door, the house is a chaotic mess, not like when they left it. And so having grace for your, giving yourself grace, that nothing has to be perfect, and giving each other grace and getting back together. And it may not happen right away because you've been so apart, but transition into that happening. For the spouse that comes home and sees the house a chaotic mess, say the kids running around there, there's food all over the floor. The house looked like it hadn't been clean the whole time you were gone. Get in where you fit in. Yeah, I love that, you know, you can ask, where can I help? Or even with that, just start picking up. Don't even ask. And sometimes it's just your presence that is. It gives the other spouse the assurance that you are home and that you're there no matter how long you stay home or not. But just get in and fit in. Just go and pick up the pieces where it is. And then allow, even though you may want to just embrace and talk to your spouse, but allow the spouse to just go have some time, an hour or two to themselves, and you get back with the kids because the kids miss them too. So you have to incorporate all of that transition between husband and wife and through children. And the one thing I like to say, which is a funny part, is that if husbands and spouses just get in where they fit in when they come home and not say, well, why is the house looking like this? If they just get in and start helping when they get to bed at night, they'll have a good lovemaking. And part of that is because you're meeting that person's life needs. Right now, they don't need the physical touch, but right now they just need the help. They just need the help not to feel way down. And then I go ahead.

I was just going to say, so if somebody knows that they need to talk with you more about this. Right. That's in that position. Where would somebody find you? Give us your contact info, please.

Yes, you can find us on Facebook if you just type in alliance seminars, coaching. Or you can go to our website. Website. There's all of our information there. And that is allianceseminars.org which is O R G all one word. Allianceseminars.org and then again, Facebook, alliance, seminars, coaching.

Thank you so much for your time here today. And may we add, thank you so much for all that you, your family and Durrell has done to serve us all. Thank you so much. From the bottom of my heart.

Thank you. Thank you for this opportunity.

It's been great to have you here. Thanks. So guys, we're gonna take a bit of a break for a minute and just kind of let all that we've talked about settle in and then we're gonna come on back in a few minutes and we're gonna have a little bit of fun for our Follow the Fun segment. So don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

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Welcome back inside the love shack. We just had an awesome Heart of the Matter segment. I really, really appreciate that. Thanks Veronica, for, for being our guest. Now we're going to switch it up because we like to, you know what it's, we like to just bring in.

Some follow the fun and this is one of my very favorite super tips right here in regards to follow the fun people. So pay attention. Okay. There's a little bit of a planning component to this but don't let that create any kind of resistance here. Here's how it rolls. So many often, so many often so.

Many often so many.

Let me start over. Okay, do over. We teach our clients that. I give that to myself. So often we are in communication and conversation about all the things that we love and that we want and that we would like to experience together. And if we're not doing this, that's part one. We need to do that. We all need things to look forward to. Things that are we're working towards, we're planning to do, we're excited about. This is oftentimes something that is significantly lost in our relationships. But as we're having these conversations, which that would be step one, if you're not get going. What are some things you would like to do, experience, plan, discover together, right? And they don't have to be big things, but something like going to the lake, going for a walk, hey, what are we going to do this weekend? I'd really like to do, blah, blah, blah, blah. These conversations where we continue to explore each other is really, really fun. Which takes me to my favorite thing. While we're having these conversations about, hey, you know, what do you like, what do you love to do? If we could have the opportunity to travel or if we could have the opportunity to go anywhere you wanted to this weekend, or, you know, what is something that you've always really wanted that's kind of small, that you've never really got? Or it just comes up naturally in communication where somebody will say, you know, I really like this artist. I really like the show. That show was so amazing, you know, And.

Or that comedian.

Yeah, that comedian. Or we're talking about these things all the time. Or there was this really fun pair of shoes down at the store. I didn't get them, but, man, were they cute. Or right? Something just offhand, right? Something that I've always wanted, but I've never allowed myself to do or experience. And then we fill in the blank, and we share those sometimes in passing without any thought about getting them or experiencing them in our conversations. One that Tom and I have had. We were over to Calistoga months and months ago, and we stopped. We popped out of our Airbnb, and I could hear some jazz music playing. It was like, where is that music? And I love live music and I love jazz. You put those two things together, and I'm, like, hunting it down like a dog on a scent. Like, where is it? Where is it? We got to find where that is. And Tom's like, oh, boy, here we go. Long story short, we ended up going and seeing incredible jazz musicians and having incredible barbecue. And I've gone on and on and on and on about our conversation since then of how much fun that was and what are we going to do it again? I'd love to do it again. And. And Tom's taking note of this, right? Just as an example, he's taking note of this, this. And so last week, he says, hey, you want to take the day on Sunday and go over to Busters and do some jazz and barbecue? And I was like, oh, you sucker. Yes, absolutely. It turned into a surprise, right? So if we're listening and we're paying attention, we can pick up on these little cues about something that would really rock our partner's world. And then I'm going to encourage you to execute on it. Whether it's buying some tickets or a pair of shoes or, or, you know, getting the soundtrack to their favorite show or maybe a recording of their.

Or how about. Yeah, or you mean as simple as, you know, going to your favorite place to enjoy a beverage together. I mean, it doesn't have to be complicated.

And then you wait until they forget about it and then you spring it on them. Like, it is so fun to like pull it out and they go. I mean, it's, it's, it's really fun. So I call this the time lapse surprise.

Time lapse surprise.

So I encourage you to look for moments. First of all, what are they? What are those experiences that they consistently or passionately talk about things and then create a way to kind of give them a little bit of an experience with that and then wait, wait, wait for it and then spring it on them and it's like the most incredible surprise ever. Tom's done this with things as simple as like a pack of gum. So they're fantastic. Anything you want to add to that?

No.

You know what? This is all around novelty and play. And novelty is a rich word that we don't hear often and just think about it. It's. And if he's. We have the privilege of working with clients and I would say the longer that clients are together in a longer term commitment and partnership and marriage, oftentimes the novelty in play starts to wane and wane and wane and there's nothing that can resuscitate it in our, in our vantage point as play and novelty. It's what we it. We're all driven for it and we talk about it every week, incredibly, incredibly. That's why we have maybe followed the segment because it's really, really. We want to get you out of your head because we talk about some heavy stuff here and then get you into this feeling part of our experience. And life is all about the feeling part.

So if you're not already, get on our fun list. You can do that by going to our website and on our fun list we give you weekly fun tips as well as every month we give a giveaway to those who are on the list. So go on over and get that going for yourself. And now we spread some love. This is where people get to come in and share their perspective on love and relationships. We have Rebecca Green with us here today from Multiculturally Minded. That was a mouthful for me, I apologize. But she does some incredible work she herself is in a cultural diverse relationship and she has this advice for us today when it comes to relationships.

Hello, my name is Rebecca Green. I am from Multiculturally Minded Lewis County. We provide a platform for our community to appreciate multiculturalism and to stand for anti racism. The Lewis county and surrounding areas in Washington state. And we've hosted a number of protests. We also do zoom events around these topics and our Facebook group is really just a platform for people to share resources and have discussions. And today the topic I'd like to bring up is interracial relationships. I'm a white woman. My husband is a black man. We have two children, 4 and 3 years old. And I think it's super important to discuss considerations in interracial relationships. One of the biggest lessons that I've learned is that I'm not immune to bias. Being close to someone who's black or of a race other than your own can certainly help you better understand perspective and some of the struggles that folks go through. But it's important to really still continue to check yourself and not become too comfortable in your white privilege and white supremacy. And when I say those words, white privilege, white supremacy, these things are ever present in society and some may hear them and think I'm exaggerating. But I want to challenge you all to spend some time learning about those things. Supremacy simply means better than. And our society has taught us that white folks are better than. If you want to have a positive relationship with someone of another race, whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship, it's super important that you spend time learning about these things in order to be a good friend and a good human. And so that is what I have to share with you today. Thank you so much for listening.

I love it. So we end each show with something that you can feel. And today we have Khalid New Normal. New Normal is our song. Because in the song he sings, life is what you make it. It's out of your control. Life is seasons. It's a new normal and it's up to us to live it. And regardless of where all this change in life takes us, it's important for us to be able to navigate that. We hope that you found some tips that you can put into your life today. It's great to have you with us here. Come on back next next week and we're going to talk more about relationships, answer your questions around them. Know that until then, we're sending you incredible love along with the power to create it today. Now go have a little bit of fun and listen to our song. You can find it all on our website. It's a pleasure to be here with you today. We'll see you next week.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.