#51: Courage & Relationships: Why It's The Secret Ingredient For Lasting Love

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are by chance struggling with your special someone, this show is dedicated to helping couples rescue their relationships. I'm Stacy Bartley. It's a pleasure to be here with you today. And I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been teaching and mentoring couples from around the world with the sole purpose of helping them to create and experience what we call love for a lifetime, both with themselves and others with sound principles and skills. So welcome. It's great to be here with you.

Absolutely. Welcome everybody inside the Love Shack. We appreciate your time gifting us your time, the most precious resource every week. You know, I say we have an incredible episode and we do. We have a gentleman that has really stepped up and joined us here live. If you're catching us live, remember, you catch us wherever we can serve you, whatever, podcast director, if you will. But again, bottom line, thank you so much for being here with us.

We're going to talk about the special secret ingredient for lasting love. Like if there was ever a special ingredient that you absolutely must have when it comes to creating long lasting relationships. This principle that we're going to talk about today is.

And I bet, and I bet. Excuse me for interrupting, ladies and gentlemen. You know, I don't get many opportunities here, so I have to take them when I see them is, I bet people wouldn't guess that this, this skill because our guest is going to share with us. This is a skill. I bet people wouldn't guess that this skill we, we teach a mentor is absolutely right at the top.

Well, let's just ask our listeners, like, if you were to say, what is the biggest challenge in your relationship? Nine times out of 10 you're going to say communication. And we did a survey surveying 2,000 couples from around the world, and communication was number one and the most consistent answer overall. And I'm here to tell you that that's not your biggest problem. Your biggest problem is courage. And you might be saying right now, what in the heck does courage have to do with my relationship? And my answer back to you is going to be, well, everything. And I would add, the more you care about someone, the more you're going to need it. If this is our biggest hurdle, and it is, it's our ability to show up not necessarily share. I could give you all the communication frameworks in the whole wide world. That's where my work started more than a decade ago. But if you didn't show up and use them, they would be to know no benefit to you. So the ability to show up instead of sitting on something that's bothering you is key because that's what we'll do. If we don't have the courage and the know how to step in and have those challenging conversations, what ends up happening instead is we either give up on having the conversation after sell the several failed attempts or we rip our partner's faces off because we finally had enough. I cannot take it anymore. Like this is awful and frustrating me. And this is what happens over and over and over again in our relationships when we don't have the courage to show up and say what it is we need to say. Today in the Love Shack we are so excited and delighted to have Eric Winters with us. Eric is the author of Swipe right on your best Self and the subtitle to this is so awesome. Simple steps to a bolder life with fewer regrets. Who doesn't want that? Which is all about the ability to delve into courage so you can rely on it being there for you when you need it most. The truth is, Tom and I have been teaching important principles on courage for more than a decade and Eric is an expert on the topic. This conversation today is sure to be one that will change the way you face the challenge those that you may be facing today or that are sure to come in the future. Because that's just life and the quality of our lives in all areas depends on how well we can show up and face our challenges. And I love what Eric said on his website, both the ones we choose and the ones that choose us. Stay with us. We'll be right back after this break and we'll have Eric join us in the Love Shack.

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Working with Stacy has been life changing in a very magical way. I wanted to work with Stacy when I left a long term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of my relational, how would you say, Unhealthiness. I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience and wrapped it into her own program. A program that is designed specially for you. For anyone that moves forward with her. She's unique, she's profound, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to yourself to work with Stacy.

Learn the simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to stacybartley.comworkshop.

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Welcome back inside the love shack. We are your host Tom and Stacey Bartley. And along with our awesome engineer Eric Rider and a special guest who, who we are going to bring into the heart of the matter right now. And I'll turn it over to my lovely.

Yes, well, let's start with we're talking about courage today and you may be wondering what in the heck courage has to do with relationships. And I would say everything. And where I love to start this conversation is I know before we started teaching a lot about courage and the work that we do is I always thought of courage as like somebody, you know, dashing in to like save the people in the burning building or the person that's been drowning or in the car crash, like these big, broad significant events was somebody that I would say, wow, that was a lot of courage.

Which in all fairness is incredibly very much so. But that's not exactly what we're talking about today.

No. The meaning of courage is the ability to do something that frightens oneself and strengthen the face of pain or grief. And courage is essential for thriving relationships. Why? Because without it, we won't have the ability to show up for ourselves and others when it really counts. Courage is a foundational principle of the work that Tom and I do and our clients. So when we had the opportunity to connect with Eric Winters, we were thrilled about having a conversation with him on this very important topic and powerful principle. Together we are going to uncover some ways we can intentionally develop courage in ourselves. Let me tell you a little bit about Eric. He's a speaker, an author with deep knowledge in the science of building courageous and emotionally intelligent mindsets. Like that was what sold me on the deal. He knows how his know how in this area. As a result of 20 years of international corporate life, he has two master's degrees in human behavior and over 12 years helping leaders on their teams become their best selves in solving challenges effectively. Eric is also the author of swipe right on your best self, simple steps to a bolder life with fewer regrets. He's here with us inside the love shack today to help us uncover the steps of developing courage for awesome relationships and a rewarding life. Eric, it's our wonderful opportunity and pleasure to welcome you to the show. Thank you so much for being here.

Stacy and Tom, thank you so much for having me here. And may I just say good morning from Sydney, Australia. I am calling from tomorrow and I can tell you it's looking good. I want you to look forward to tomorrow. I can look out the window. It's going to be a good one.

It's going to be a great day.

Yeah.

So, Eric, it seems appropriate to me that we start our conversation today with you sharing how it is that courage has played a role in your significant life and relationships. Oh, I know. Right.

Again and again. You were so right in the opening, Stacy, when you were talking about courage being behind everything that enables us to have meaningful, rewarding, loving relationships. It's not the communication that's our go to answer, but what stops us from saying the things we want to say. Asking for what we want, saying no to what we're not willing to accept for ourselves. It's being courageous. Yeah, totally. And now you're asking me. I've got to go back to the question. I'm trying to avoid the question you're going. You're asking me, you know, when have I needed courage? And look, I look back and I think, here we go. I believe we need courage at all stages of relationships. It's not like there. Oh, I'm glad. I'm glad that's done. I don't. I no longer need to say no. Asking for What I want in a relationship in many ways, asking for time, asking for a different kind of intimacy, perhaps, But I've used courage to begin relationships. There are some people that are not many, but a few people are naturally bold and they're just willing to pick up the phone, ask people out. Hey, Stacy, do you. Have you. Have you. Do you fancy a coffee down at Mrs. Magoo's Coffee Shack? And they'll do it, but most of us, Tom, I don't know if you are like myself, though, actually, we're a little reluctant. It feels a little bit. What if they say no, Tom?

What?

Ow. And we play that out in our mind. Yeah. What would it be like if they said no? And a part of us. A part of us says it would be irrecoverable. It would just die. It would just be awful. And we hold back and we do that through every part of the relationship. You know, what if I asked for what I really want in a relationship? Really, a relationship is going to really nourish me. Yeah. What if they said no? What if they laughed? What if they mocked me? What if I was rejected? And this is so painful. It's in our minds. Our minds predict irrecoverable, permanent suffering. And we've got minds that exaggerate. But that's what it's like being a human. And I have held back many times from asking for what I want. And look, I'll confess right now, there's no one listening, is there? I'll confess right now. I have also held back from. And this is where there's been the biggest price for myself from leaving relationships that were not working. I've stayed and stayed. And if I'm really honest, it was the easier thing to do. It was the easier thing to do. I didn't have strength in the face of pain. I love that definition you gave. I didn't have strength in the face of pain. And I stayed and I stayed for much too long. And yeah, I. I wish I knew now. And you then rather. What I do know now about how we can develop the courage to. To work, to try to recover a relationship. Sometimes we. You've got to have courage to do that. And at times we need the courage to walk away, to leave what's not working. I've been.

Yes, and I have too, Eric. And thank you so much for being so honest and sharing your personal places where we struggle. And I ask you that question so that you all know we're on this journey with you. There's a couple of things That I really want to highlight here as we start stepping into the role of courage and the role that it plays in our relationships. What Eric just highlighted here about having the strength to lead, unfortunately, because we don't understand the process of being able to show up and say what it is we need to say, unfortunately, we end relationships feeling incomplete and we think that a new person or a new situation is going to solve our problem. There is nothing like the empowerment and confidence that you will feel as difficult as it is if you can leave a relationship and say, it's time for me to go. And I feel complete. I've said what I've needed to say. I. I've asked for what I needed. I've asked for understanding. I understand where I am. I understand where you are. And now I get it. It makes sense to me as to why we can't go forward. And then saying goodbye, it's still hard, but you know, it's a good decision. You get that thing we call a clunk. And when I get that clunk, even though moving forward would be good for us, we know it. And hard and difficult, it's the difference maker in the whole experience. Unfortunately, most of us and myself included over here made these rash decisions because I didn't know how to do just that. And for me, that's why I'm so passionate about the conversation of courage. Because as I look back, I realize it was the lack of courage, the belief in myself, right, to. To boldly show up and say what it is I need to say that cost me so much when it comes to the place of completion. That's what we're after, completion. And that's the piece we missed.

I would just add, you know, another wonderful book with a country made of yours, Eric Bronnie, where, you know, the five regrets of the death and dying, you know, one of them is not saying what they need to say in their relationships. That's one of the five. Now, oftentimes regret doesn't show up immediately, but it's absolutely been recognized as a regret when we get to the end of this life journey.

So, Eric, before we dive in, because I know you have lots to teach us and I want to leave a wonderful amount of time for us to hear your three mindsets and some of the things that you use as skills and tools. But on this, on this human journey that we're all on, you know, and we're talking about courage not just being something that you do once or twice throughout a lifetime, but probably something you need to think about every single day. It's like brushing your teeth, people. It's like it needs to be done every day at least once. There's these moments where we've got to show up. Let me ask you if, if you would, might be willing to share some of the ways that you've demonstrated courage in your own life so that you, you teach this, you do this. Obviously you're loving incredible human being. So in what small ways have you had to use courage in your own life?

And so are we leaving the relationship domain here? We're talking about courage just anywhere in life. Yeah, I've. Well, I have left very secure, safe and well paid employment. My goodness, that was hard. But a number of years ago, working with IBM, I thought I'd be there for life. And I was in Edinburgh in Scotland, having a wonderful time. And I really did not plan to ever leave the comfort zone. And it's not just quite comfy, it was a very warm, cozy zone. And a point came where a friend of mine was promoted up the ranks and she was able to come to me and say, eric, look, just for the next week, I'm able to, to give you a voluntary redundancy if you want it. If you want it, you could leave. And I've got a. Effectively. It was, I'd like to say, an envelope of used notes, but it was all legit. We can, we can give you a payout and. No way, no, no, I'm staying here in Scotland where I've known for the rest of my life. Absolutely not. And as the week wore on, I thought more and more, oh, my goodness. But, but what would it be like? What would I do? And I began to get excited. Well, actually, there's a lot of jobs out there. I could visit new places, meet new people. Could I do it? Could I do it? And I was very, very afraid and very, very excited. And ultimately, on day six, I got very close to the deadline, though I left it to the last minute. There's something about it, isn't there? Something about a deadline, it crystallizes and actually it does trigger courage. We kind of, and we'll talk about this more later, deadlines initiate and they activate courage. When you really feel, as time is running out, time literally was running out here. And anyway, I decided to leave work and it turned out to be the best thing in my life. Nothing, everything changed. I left the uk, I went to work in the Middle East, Abu Dhabi. I met people from different cultures, from Sudan, from Syria, from Egypt, from the United Arab Emirates, the French The Americans. I had to work with Americans, Thomas.

Oh, my goodness.

I know they put me through it and. But I discovered, I discovered by exercising my courage that actually I could completely up sticks. Do you say that there? Upsticks, Leave. No.

Tell us what that means.

Oh, it means to leave home and relocate.

We would say maybe uproot.

Uproot. Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Yeah. Great. And I can.

So that's, let's. That's incredible. And so tell us how courage has played a role and you've touched on something I just want to highlight here. Courage is developed anytime we get outside our comfort zone. I just want, I just want our listeners to hear that you get yourself outside your comfort zone. You're developing courage. So tell us how maybe courage. And what I'm pointing to is the name of your book, because I read your book and I know that it came from the Relationship Journey. Right. So help tell us about courage that you developed in your relationship journey too.

Well, and aren't they journeys. Relationship Journeys. So, yeah. So the book just begins with me touching on a painful part in a relationship journey. So I was in a long term relationship. And yeah, it was under the impression that that also was going to last forever, that it was rich and it was strong. And it turned out my partner was seeing someone else. And not just seeing them. Tom and Stacy, they weren't just seeing them. They. They were road testing and alternative partner. Yes. Quite thoroughly. I love how you put that.

That's, that's, that's one of the most creative ways to say, I think what you're saying, having an affair. But that's precious.

It was. They were having an affair. And yeah, yeah, ultimately. Well, you know, ultimately they let me know. They said, no, we're. Well, I discovered. And they moved out. But I moved out. But it was extremely painful. But I look back now, I look back and actually I should have left that relationship prior. You know, it was not healthy. It was not working. I was surrendering my own needs all the time, perpetually in that relationship, deferring, trying to keep her happy and putting my own plans, my own hopes to one side, treading on eggshells, continually tiptoeing around so as not to upset. And I think that's a risk we all have. And I love it, Tom, that you mentioned Bronnie Ware's book, the Top five Regrets of the Dying. And you, you mentioned number three there. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. But the number one regret that she mentioned, this actually was part of the Fuel for my book. And the number one regret of the people that she was taking care of in their fault, their last days and weeks, and she heard this from hundreds of people was this. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life that others expected of me. Yes, I wish I'd had the life, the courage to live a life true to myself and not the life that others expected of me. And in that relationship, I was not living a life true to myself. I was completely putting aside my own needs, not asking for what I wanted, not expressing boundaries in behavior. And I was putting up with it. I was prioritizing the needs of others. And that. That comes at a terrible price if you do it for too long.

Well, and. And it's. It's obvious too that the other person is just coping in a different way. But obviously they're not happy or fulfilled in the relationship either. And sometimes we forget about that. So nobody's happy in this situation, but everybody lacks the courage to address it head on. And that is so true in so many relationships. Right. Even if I find myself in a situation where I've been tempted to have an affair, if you could come home and discuss it with your then committed partner, what are we going to do about this? That would be far better than not knowing what to do and sit on our hands. But like I had said in the intro, that's what we do when we don't know what to do. We think we're going to sit on it a little longer, and then courage becomes necessary to bring it to the table and it's scary. And our. I always like to say, you know when you're developing courage, when your armpits get sweaty and your stomach starts flipping over, that's a sure sign for most of us humans that, okay, I'm uncomfortable. But here we go, right? And we go back to the definition. Remember, it's doing something that is uncomfortable and that maybe feels a little shaky and painful. Right. But that's where we develop the ability to say what it is we need to say so that we can be complete to go on to someplace else. Right. And. And that's something that I had to learn just like you, Eric, through living it. And most of us do it. We don't figure things out as we go. Or. I'm sorry, we do figure things out as we go, not before we get started. And it's important that we remember that's a principle even in life. And these places of courage are something that are so critically important for us to understand. Right. Because it's the ability to show up and say, hey, look, this is where I'm at. Hey, this is what I'm struggling with. Hey, this is what's not working for me. Hey, you know, I don't think you're happy too. Let's talk about it. Those are hard places. We do lots of workshops and all of us have a difficult time formulating even the ability to. To show up. Right. And be willing to participate, let alone formulate the words that are going to communicate that to my person.

Yeah. And I think what's interesting is what we've all shared. I'm always, you know, fascinated or, you know, observed what we will do. Instead of taking these courageous actions. We will, you know, and what the risk is. I mean, you name it. It's amazing what behavior will show up in the absence of doing a difficult thing. Many times it's crossing our fingers and hoping things will work out if we just kind of ignore it. I mean, and I get it, because it literally terrifies us.

Absolutely. And people say, stace, what you're asking me to do is so vulnerable. That seems so painful. And I think, yeah, but what are you in pain right now? Like, which one's more painful? I'm gonna, I'm gonna. I'm going to propose to you that saying what you need to say is far less painful than sitting on this for a long period of time. Which brings me to my desire, Eric, of Let's dive into your three mindsets that are critical for a life of courageous action. Like, you've broken this down to three principles. And I want to make sure our listeners get to partake of your wonderful wisdom and the wisdom in your book.

Yeah, absolutely. So what we really need to do is to acknowledge, as Tom was outlining there and Stacy, you were beginning to emphasize, is there is a very, very high price if we do not develop these skills of courage. Very high price. So we need to feel that urgency to do something about it. There are three mindsets which literally embolden us. They emboldened us. They change our mind, blood chemistry, they change our neurology. So we are changed when we practice these three mindsets, but they've got to be practiced where we can't just sort of flick a switch. Wouldn't that be good? And here they are. So we all live in a world which discourages us in subtle ways. So we're kind of drip fed these junk values by media and advertising that you need to look a certain way and by the way, you don't look that way. Look at this poster. See how attractive these people are? See how attractive other people's partners are? Can you see that? They're all lovely and they're popular and they're good looking and they're rich. Everything's going their way. So we are taught to feel a sense of continual lack. A continual sense of lack and something missing. Now, of course, we all kind of know what's going on with advertising. We know what they're trying to do and our conscious mind rejects it. I'm just not buying into that. But our unconscious mind is watching this and think, yeah, that's true, it's true. I'm not that good looking. Yeah, it's true. I don't have that kind of car, that many friends. I'm not that wealthy. And we feel diminished. When we feel diminished, we feel discouraged. And it undermines our ability to have that, to have the conversations that require strength because we don't have the strength. So the first thing we need to do is to build a mindset to address this sense of lack and not having. We need to shift our attention from what's not in our lives and focus on what we do have. And I call this. And a mindset of defiant gratitude. Defiant. It's defiant because the world, social media, advertising, every TV show is showing you what you do not have. You know, youth, energy, money, popularity, all the rest of it.

Love that.

Yeah. And instead we can choose to turn our attention towards what we do have. Now, I'm not saying we're not also going to notice what we don't have and strive to achieve more and make things even better, but to acknowledge and recognize and value the things that we do have in our lives, to savor the pleasures, to enjoy the relationships with friends that we have, to really taste a good cup of coffee. To taste it, to say, to immerse ourselves in pleasure. We all get habituated and get used to stuff around us. But we live today in a way that the emperors of just a couple of hundred years ago could not begin to imagine. We have more wealthy lives, hot and cold running water. Now you and I will think, well, how ordinary is that? Having hot and cold running water at a whim, Clean water whenever I feel like it. Well, of course I do. This is big news. Historically speaking. It's a breakthrough. It's amazing. You and I, we're talking to each other. Tom and Stacy, you are on the other side of the planet. We're talking in real time for just about nothing, really. It doesn't really cost anything. We live in an age of miracles and we take it all for granted.

So true.

So the first thing we need to do is to shift our attention to what we do have in our life and enjoy it. And I'm not talking about big things. I'm talking about very, very, very small things that you enjoy in your life. It could be relationships, it could be foods, it could be a library.

Do we.

Do you have a library? What a. An amazing Aladdin's cave that is. Again, books. Only the richest people on the planet a couple of hundred years ago had books. Now you've got every single book at your fingertips. So we live in this age of miracles. There's an exercise I'd like to share with your listeners. My favorite gratitude exercise, and I call it the ultimate gratitude exercise. The ultimate. And it's this. The next time you're doing something which is even slightly pleasurable, okay, it only has to be slightly pleasurable. I'd like you to do it as though you were doing it for the very last time. Now, you're going to live a long life, but there's something is happening which is going to stop. Let's say the coffee crop is going to fail and there'll be no more coffee beans. And imagine so next time. Do you drink coffee?

Yes.

Right, well, I want you to imagine you're having a coffee now, as I actually am, and you're having it, but it's your last one. There are going to be no more cups of coffee. This is your final cup of coffee. Now, if you were to drink your last cup of coffee, how much attention would you give to the. The aroma. That's the scent, the sensation of the warmth of it in your. As you cup it in your hands. The experience of that coffee flowing over your tongue. Would you take large mouthfuls or maybe small mouthfuls? Would you stretch it out? Let me ask you that, really, what sort of attention would you give Tom and Stacy?

I'd put it in a very special cup and I think I would, like ceremonialize it. Like it had to be on a very wonderful saucer. I remember we were in uk, that is such a ritual in the morning. And it doesn't matter if you're there for five minutes or you're there for the afternoon. It always comes in a little glass cup on a very glass saucer. Incredible. Yeah. In Italy with a very special spoon. Right. So. And, and you're right, you would want to, like, slow it down and enjoy and savor Every precious. Right experience of it.

Precious, beautiful word because you would recognize how precious it was. And the thing is, if we do that just once or twice a day with different experiences, it doesn't just dial up our appreciation of that coffee, but the next one as well, and the one after that, they all become more precious. And these experiences of appreciation, they nourish us. At our core, we are nourished. And weirdly, this exercise, it also dials up our appreciation of really boring things. If you walk down a supermarket aisle and you imagine, actually this is the last time I'm ever going to be able to be in a store, just imagine, imagine. And you might be thinking, well hang on, that's not going to happen for anyone In a few short years. There are a small number of people have actually put up their hands to fly to Mars and that it's, they're planning to do it within I think five, five years. They're going to start a colony on Mars. It's a one, two way trip or one way trip. Those people are actually going to have their final coffees, their last bar of chocolate. They will feel wind on their skin for the last time, sunshine, ordinary things. So, and they will not be walking down supermarket aisles. So we can do very, very ordinary things in our lives and just flick our brain for a moment, say what if, just what if this was the final time I would ever be able to see this, to taste this, to experience all of this? And I think your listeners will find it's an extraordinary acceleration and a catapult for experiencing awe, appreciation and gratitude. And when we do that, we literally become bolder. It doesn't just feel good, we become bolder. And we are more likely to say the things that need to be said, to have the conversations that we need to have to ask for what we want and to say no to what is not working for us. So that's the first mindset, defiant. Gratitude. And I use that word, defiant because the messaging we get from the world, from advertising and from our cultures is that you are not enough. You do not have enough, you lack. And we're saying, well, actually maybe I don't have everything, but what do I have? And the biggest thing that we devalue in our lives, it's not clean drinking water, it's not a nice black coffee, it's not chocolate or our relationships actually, it's the minutes of our lives.

Yes, I agree.

We, we just take it for granted that we're kind of, that it's going to go on forever because the, you know, the human mind doesn't like to actually sit with the thought for very long that this is going to come to an end.

Yes.

You know, our biology is. Has one prime directive. I think that's what Star Trek used to call. They had a prime directive and your biology has a prime directive. And it's at all costs, you must stay alive. You must stay alive. But a very young age, we look around and we kind of work it out. Hang on. People die. That means I'm going to die. So in our mind, we've got this directive, I must stay alive. And this awareness. Hang on. And I must die. What? I must stay alive and I must die. And we've got to do something with it. This is a very uncomfortable. They don't sit together. They do not slot together at all. And so what we do is we push away the awareness that we must die. And that makes us feel very comfortable in the short term. Feels great. Phew, that's better. But when we do that, we rob ourselves of the urgency to live. Well now, right here and now, we devalue the most precious thing we have.

And listeners, I was just going to say. And listeners, imagine having the same mindset that Eric is proposing for us as you look into the eyes of your child or your lover or your parents or a dear friend. Like, I don't know about you all, but that makes me go teary because we have all experienced in the last couple of years so much loss. And here's the thing about the end, about death, about the things we don't like to talk about. You'll never see the end coming. Typically, there's not going to be a notifying email or text message that says, hey, tut, tut. This is going to be the last time you're ever going to talk to this person or walk down that supermarket aisle or have that last cup of coffee. Coffee. Like we're not going to get notified. And so if we don't appreciate every single one of those, then they're going to be gone and we're not going to see it coming. You're going to realize after the fact that that was the last time. Right. And that's important for us to remember as all of us are grappling with losing loved ones and jobs and homes and houses and all the myriad of things that we're needing to let go of. Appreciate them wherever you might be today. I love that message. So we have two minutes to cover. Two and three. Eric. I know. That went by so fast. We're gonna have to do this again, right?

I think we can we do that because I can't do them justice. I cannot do two and three justice. We can touch on them, we can.

Touch on them and then let's dive into them and we'll have you come back again.

I think we need to because this is.

Oh, I love it.

And I love your messaging, Stacy and Tom. I love what you're about and it's so important. The work you're doing here is so vital. And these are skills, they're relationship skills relating to ourselves, relating to others. And it's so vital to deliver a meaningful life. Really important work. We're so aligned to the way that we're thinking. So I'm just very quickly, very quickly in my last few moments. The second mindset is self compassion, but it's a fierce self compassion. So you didn't ask to be born with a human mind that's fearful, that's afraid, that's worried, that pushes discomfort away. You didn't ask for your parents, the place you've been born, the time of history. You have landed here. And it is challenging. Being a human being is a hard gig. This deserves kindness, but not a kind of indulgent kindness where you just lie on the sofa and eat chips and drink wine. Oh, it's so terrible. I've experimented with that. It doesn't take you where you need to be. You need a fierce self compassion, a fierce self that says, yeah, yes, it's hard and I'm going to kick myself up the butt and I am going to do what is necessary in this difficult, difficult. I'm going to play my best hand. That's mindset number two. And then finally my last few seconds, Mindset number three is what I call courageous authenticity. This is a willingness, it's developing a willingness to pay the price of some discomfort while you're being authentic to yourself, while you are authoring relationships that matter, relationships that demonstrate you showing up as the kind of person you want to be in this one precious, extraordinarily fabulous life that we have.

I love that. And so my, my. I, I'm gonna do my best to add to what you've just said to just kind of put an exclamation point on that. When we have the ability to honor ourselves authentically, we're going to work backwards. That is validation. It means I'm here in the world and I matter. That's the gift that we give ourselves. Right?

It's.

It's that I matter amongst everything and anything that's possible in the universe and in the world. When I claim what I need and what works for me, I say I matter too. Not I'm not better than, I'm not less than, but I matter too. And in regards to your second point, say it again because I want to hear it now.

Is this the self compassion?

Yes, self compassion. The self compassionate part. Life is hard and we have fear and we have insecurity. And I want to ask our listeners to just recognize and realize that part of being part of this universe is we need something to push against in order to grow. And that's the gift that fear and insecurity plays for us. We cannot improve except expand or become stronger if we don't have something that challenges us. Babies are pushed out of the womb, seeds are pushed out of the ground. Gravity pushes on us so we can walk upright. And when I love you, when I care about you, pushing against you to tell you how much I love you or how scared I am is the development and progression and expansion of me. And we need to understand that sometimes it helps us, you know, kind of develop some of those courage principles so quickly. Let's all take away three takeaways here from our conversation. And Eric, we're going to have to have you come back and have some more conversations about your book. This is so wonderful and juicy. I'm sad to like cut it off, Eric.

Very offended, Dreadfully offended. The you'd like three things from me that we need to remember or something.

Just one that you want our listeners to remember.

Overall, Overall, I really encourage people to value your moments. Don't even think about life as a whole. But your moments, your moments alive. Every moment is precious. They are irreplaceable. These are non renewable resources. Minutes, every word. Value your time alive. And when we do that, then it enables us when we truly value your time. You will not trade it for something, some pap. You'll be less willing to, to fritter it away. And look, we all do that when we devalue our moments alive. We will fritter it away. No, we need to be courageous now because it's, it's worth it and you're worth it.

I love that.

Wow. Well, I would, yeah, just, you know, the moments are what it's, it's the, the progression of moments is the culmination of our life. I mean, so I would say, you know, the very finest thing we can do to ourselves and others is to be present. That's why I say it's always some or Sometimes it's wrapped up in a really pretty box and has a bow on it because it really is the gift, gift that any of us can give whenever we want. And think about. When you're around someone that truly gives you presence, how well does that make you feel? Because it's a very rare experience. So, you know, just to dovetail on everything you've said, you know, savor, I'm starting to say now, savor every and all the moments. It's not, it is cliche. Why? Because it's very, very true.

Very true. I want to remind our listeners, I think my takeaway that I want to share with you from our conversation today is remember that regard, regardless of what the components of your life might be right now, all the challenges that you may be facing or all the things that you've experienced that as Eric had highlighted, is a lack of whether we have kids or not, whatever our religious affiliation is or wherever we might find ourselves economically, that if we get to the end of our lives and we feel good about the life we've lived, we win. And that encompasses those three mindsets that Eric has shared with us today. To be grateful for every moment because we're not going to see the end coming. To be self compassionate and loving to ourselves and others. Right. And then, and then that last one is so important. Be authentic. Be, be you. Because after all, everybody else is already taken. I mean, so where, Eric, where can.

People find out more about you and your incredible body of work?

Two places I would nudge people towards. So organized. If people work in organizations, they should look me up on LinkedIn. I have a presence on LinkedIn and in addition I have a website, ericwinters.comau and actually the first chapter of my book is freely available for download from ericwinters.com and I'd like to reassure your listeners you don't even need to read the whole chapter. You will know after reading the first page of that chapter whether or not the way I speak, the way I engage, the messages I have, whether or not they're relevant and interesting and empowering to you. Just read one page and make your own mind up.

I love that. Eric, thank you so much for your time here today. We, I'm gonna reach out, we'll have you back on the show. Have a beautiful day again. We so appreciate you sharing your wisdom with us.

Stacy and Tom, it's really been my pleasure. Thank you.

Yeah, we're gonna take a quick break really fast and we're gonna come back and have a little bit of fun. It's time for a little bit of fun. Come on back.

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Back to inside the Love Shack. Oh, man, we just had an incredible experience about you want me.

I love how passionate he is.

Oh, I just, I felt it. It just, ooh, it's visceral. Thank you so much. We'll definitely have you back again. If you didn't catch that part of our show, please do so. Thanks for being with us. Now we're going to step into a little bit of follow fun.

Yes, our follow. The fun moment today is I'm going to encourage you to record an audio message and send it to someone who's been on your mind lately. There's something about hearing somebody's voice and it's never been easier to send this audio message. You, if you have a smartphone, it's in the voice memo, it's in the voice record feature. And most text apps have also the ability for you to just touch that little button that has all those little lines on the text line. And as you hold it down, you can just simply record a message to somebody as opposed to write it. There is something spectacular about hearing somebody's voice as opposed to reading words on a page. Now don't get me wrong, I love handwritten notes and cards and all of that, but there's something about hearing the voice of somebody who is a dear friend, a lover, a parent. It's magical. And then things that you can do with an audio message are incredible. So honey, give us some ideas of what it is you can do with like an audio message.

Well, gosh, I mean, well, we just, we had some fun this morning and we sent an audio message to one of our daughters.

Can we sing Happy birthday?

Birthday Today, so in our friend and colleague, and she's going to be back in December, Sherry Ballou and her awesome book, say it now. My gosh, she is a ninja at doing this. She shares with us how her and her husband do this. And then if they're running into a rough patch, they will go back, each of them respectively, and listen to these incredible places of courageous sharing. Authentic, just like Eric, one of his mindsets. Authentic sharing of each other and why they're there together. Very powerful reset, if you will.

I loved that. That was such an inspiring moment when Sherry had shared that we're gonna have her on again here coming up in December. But she talked about her and her husband while they were watching a sunrise or a sunset, sharing all the things that they loved about each other. And then when they were having a struggle, they'd go back and listen to. Why is it I like you again? Oh, yeah.

So again, I mean, you know, a lot of times there's a lot of technology bashing, but there's the power of technology. Use it in a place that serves us. And this is one of very, very powerful and simple.

Yeah, I. You can send somebody. I'm thinking about you. You can send somebody a remember when or hey, I just want you to know today.

Well, I would just ask, you know, encourage all of us to ask yourself, when have you received one of those?

Probably.

I mean, honey, you haven't sent me one.

I need to get on, don't I? They're delicious. They're absolutely delicious. It's always a great way to record some memories as well. So the possibilities are endless. Send one this week. Like, do it right now as you're listening to us. Like, when we're done here, just send an audio message. Yes. And that is also an act of courage. I mean, how perfect. We couldn't get more perfect than that. And by chance, if you're needing some fun ideas, I encourage you to get on our fun list. You can access that on our website. Every month we give away giveaways and we have wonderful ideas that go out each week to help you create more fun in our lives. This is the way we refuel people. This is the way that we maintain the emotional gas in our gas tanks. Without it, we have an.

We flatline.

Yeah, we run out of gas. I couldn't figure out how to say that.

That's why I'm right here. Call me Radar.

All right, so listen, we have a spread some love moment, and today it's from a wonderful human solutions consultant. Don't you just love that name. We love this guy. We have him sincerely on the show, same radio network.

His co host Nathan Mum have an incredible talk time radio show right here on kknw.

And Mike Gorde had this to say about relationships today and you're going to smile.

Hello, my name is Mike Gorday and I'm a human solutions consultant here in Seattle, Washington. I'm looking forward to being inside the love shack with Tom and Stacy really soon as a guest. The thought that I am having today that I would like to share with you about love and relationships is it's very easy to play the blame game when we are having conflict but that is a self defense mechanism that ultimately hurts our relationships more than help. So work hard at trying not to play the blame game. Look forward to being together with you inside the love shack soon.

He's so fun. He is not only so wise but he's so fun. And, and his audio recording where he goes, I'll see you inside the love shack soon. I mean that's so him. Come on back. He's going to be with us here shortly. But it's so true. The blame game. And to stay out of the blame game, boy, is that going to need to take courage.

Well, it takes significant courage because that's oftentimes we're going to, we like to say that's seduction into the places even when we know darn well deep within us it doesn't serve us. It's going to pull us if we don't have other skills encouraged to do otherwise.

Yeah. You know, and when our backs are emotionally against the wall, babe, we'll do what we know and get pretty dang nasty because we don't know what else to do. Yeah. All right, so we've given you a lot to think about today. We want to leave you with something that makes you feel because that's important. And so for this reason we always leave you with a song, a piece of music so that you can take what we've talked about today in your thinking and then you can play the song and you can feel the essence of what it is we're trying to impart to you through the music. And we have a playlist that has a song attached to every single episode we've ever done inside the love shack. And you can access that on our website as well. And today's song is one of my favorites. I remember back, babe, when and man, I, you know, you couldn't pull it together. I mean it took us 35 years to come together and I. You left me hanging out there for a really long time. I'm just gonna be honest.

Maybe the blame game.

I know it's true. And so I had. I had to exhibit a lot of courage. And I used to stream this song, stream it. I'm using today words, but actually it was on my, like, little Walkman kind of thing, you know, And I would play it over and over and over again. And it's India Iris. Strength, courage and wisdom. It takes me to an emotional place because there were so many times in my life I didn't feel like I had any. And so I'd play it and play it and play it and remind myself that just like she says, hey, strength, courage and wisdom. It's inside of me and it has been all along. And that's so true for you, my listener. Strength, courage and wisdom inside. Inside of you as well.

Have some fun. I know I say this occasionally, you know. Go to the playlist and start with the song first and then listen to the episode. Let us know how that goes.

All right, so that's the start of our week.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for being inside of the Love Shack with us today. And if by chance our conversation has inspired you or helped you in some small way, we invite you to spread it around. Help us spread the word that, hey, we're here. We're inside the Love Shack. We're having the conversations that matter when it comes to relationships and sex and love and all the many wonderful components and parts and pieces to that I want to give a shout out to. And a special thank you to Eric Winters for being here with us today as our guest and for Mike Gorday for helping us spread a little bit of love around today. We invite you to come on back next week and join us for an additional way ways that you can improve your love, sex and relationships in the world. Hey, it's great to be here with you and shout out to our engineer. We appreciate you too.

Thanks.

Bye bye for now.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that major tech toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast. Love the show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.