#52: How To Support A Loved One Through Their Breast Cancer Diagnosis

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about but absolutely influences our relationships. If you are struggling with your special someone, this show is dedicated to helping couples rescue their relationships. I'm Stacy Bartley and I am here with my lover and co host, Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been teaching and mentoring couples from around the world with the sole purpose of helping them create an experience love for a lifetime, both in their relationships with themselves and and with others using sound principles and skills. It's great to be here with you and love.

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Yeah. So today we're going to be diving into yet another wonderful conversation. It might be a bit surprising to you. As we begin the month of October, we typically think of Halloween and think about things like the costuming and the Halloween upcoming trick or treaters. However, this month we're going to focus your attention on Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Now, cancer is something that I think is always very close to us. It's not very far. Typically in our families where we know somebody that we love and that we care about that's either struggling with it personally or that we have a family member, a loved one that has struggled with it. Now I'm getting emotional because Tom and I just came back from an end of life celebration with a dear, dear friend who lost his life to leukemia. Tom and I also have fathers that died in 1970 from cancer. And I have a dear, dear sister who is a survivor of 20 years with stage 4 colon cancer and has knocked that out of a park. She's kind of an anomaly in and of herself. So in addition to us being touched by this conversation, very, very personally, I was so, so delighted and impressed when I met Liz Bendett. She's going to be our guest today. And she too is a cancer survivor of four different types of cancer and she rightfully calls herself a miracle. She has also created a company called Balmbox. And Balmbox is functional products to support loved ones who are struggling with chemo, radiation. And this is all coming from her own personal experience. And we want to have a conversation with Liz about what it took for her and her wonderful husband to support her so that she had the support that she needed. But also her husband, like, how did they ensure that this caregiver was also supported through this process as he kept the family together, her two beautiful kids and their wonderful dog and their home. How does life continue? For some of us it brings us close together and for others it can be the great divider. I've got stories of clients that have experienced both. So our conversation and our focus today is going to be on how do we set it up for the greatest success possible, supporting all those dear ones that we love who might be in the throes of struggling today. So regardless of whether you're actually challenged with cancer in your own life or or supporting somebody who is going through it or you have some other terminal illness or illness in your family that is causing struggle there, I know that you're going to find something from our conversation today with Liz. So stand by, stay tuned and we'll be right back after this short message.

Hi, this is Liz. I launched TheBombBox.com after surviving four cancers over eight years. You heard that right? Four cancers, eight years.

I'm really good at getting cancer.

I was especially miserable during breast cancer radiation treatment. I needed tools to help me with the gruesome side effects not covered by prescription meds. Online searches resulted in loads of bright pink sassy T shirts and tote bags. I wanted ice packs and lotion, not pink stuff. So I launched the bombbox.com last fall featuring self care and gift packages for cancer patients. And the business is exploding. They've been covered in USA Today, NBC and Yahoo.

News.

Most importantly, we've helped hundreds of patients in our first year alone. We're offering the Love Shack listeners a chance to win a soothing skin and lips box to keep or gift to a friend or family member. To enter the Bombox giveaway, Simply go to staceybartly.com fun and please check out our wonderful line of cancer care packages@thebombox.com that's T-H-E B A L M E.

O X.com here's what one of Stacey Bartley's clients says about working with her.

Working with Stacey Stacy has been life changing in a very magical way. I wanted to work with Stacy when I left a long term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of my relational, how would you say, unhealthiness. I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience and wrapped it into her own program. A program that is designed specially for you, for anyone that moves forward with her. She's unique, she's profound, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to yourself to work with Stacy.

Learn the simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to stacybartley.comworkshop alternative talk 1150.

Hi, Tom and Stacy Bartley here. Welcome to Inside the Love Shack. Thank you so much. Along with our engineer extraordinary, Eric Ryder, we have a. I know I say this, I can't help it. A great pot, a great episode. You know what? So this is what we call the heart of the matter. I'm going to turn it over to my lovely wife. Well, today this party started.

Yeah.

Today in the Love Shack we have Liz Bendett and she's the owner of the Balm box. And as Liz says, I like to think of myself as a medical miracle. I survived four cancers over eight years. And we went what Tom and I think of her and her relationship is a miracle too. And so we wanted to share it with our listeners today. Liz is going to share with us what she needed to heal and how she kept her relationship and her family intact along the way. I also want to just mention here that approximately 2,100 men in the US receive a breast cancer diagnosis each year.

Wow.

Why? Because all bodies have breasts and I love that hashtag, all bodies have breasts. While there are factors that increase a person's risk for developing breast cancer, the reality is anyone can get it. Liz, we want to welcome you to the show today so that you can share your special story with us and help us kind of all navigate the throes of cancer and all that it brings into our lives. Give us some super tips here. So welcome. It's so great to be here with you. We've been very excited for this conversation because it does kind of ring so close to home in our own personal lives. I know it's going to be great for our listeners as well.

Well, thank you for having me. I'm not sure that I'm like The go to expert on cancer. But I have had a lot of experience, so we can go with that.

Well, I think that that's the key. Right. It's one thing to talk about cancer from a medical perspective. It's one thing to talk about it from a hypothesis, distance as member. And it's a whole nother to actually have experienced and lived through it. So I, I would say, Liz, that there's probably no better person to speak about it. And how, and how often do you find somebody who's been through four different types of cancer and survived all of them and done it all within less than a decade? That's pretty remarkable.

It. It's rare. It's. I mean, I'd love to know the data on this. I'm a total statistics junkie. So at some point I'm going to have to figure out like, what is, what are the odds that I'd be in this weird position. But yes, I have lots and lots of experience being a cancer patient, so I can for sure shed light on, you know, where I think there's opportunity both to be a good caregiver of yourself. Right. And then how to be a good caregiver of, you know, your relationships. I think those are things that I've done a lot.

So let's talk about your story first and then, and then we'll get to those wonderful super tips. Share with us if you would. Just a little brief experience. Take us a trip down memory lane so that we can take that journey.

I'll do the Reader's digest right. Version of eight years of drama. Let's see. So my very first cancer was melanoma, skin cancer. And it was. I was at this swimming pool with my family and my mom. And I only say that because my son at the time was one year old. He was a little baby. He had completely tuckered out and he had fallen asleep on my chest. You know how they look, Those babies do that. And it was, you know, I was very aware that this was sort of the end of the babiness. And I was letting him sleep on my body like in. Under the. The umbrella at the pool. And I only say that because I was in a bathing suit and I was kind of in a weird configuration. And so my mom was like kind of face to face with my upper thigh. And she's like, you have a mole there. And I just don't like the look of it. And she just kept nagging me about this mole. And I was like, whatever. I'm just, I'm busy. Like I got, got a baby on me, leave me alone, right? And. And she did not let it go. Like it was like maybe for two weeks she would send me emails and text messages until finally she's like, here's the name and number of my dermatologist. You really need to go get it checked out. Like, she was really aggressive. Like she clearly had seen something there that she didn't like. And so I finally, you know, rolled my eyes and made that appointment and I went to go see the dermatologist and lo and behold, it was melanoma. And it was crazy. Like I had my dermatologist appointment on like a Thursday or Friday before a holiday week. They biopsied the spot in the office, which is like a kind of no big deal thing. When it's dermatology, they just kind of like nip, you know, they take a little chunk of skin. I mean it doesn't feel good, but it's not like crazy painful. Slap a bandaid on it. And then on that following, I think it was Tuesday morning, I was driving to work and the dermatologist called to say, hey, you need to stop everything you're doing. And we're going to make an appointment for you to have a surgery. And that surgical consultation is going to be before the end of the week. So we'd really like you to have surgery by the before Friday.

Wow.

And it was a Tuesday and it was just super crazy. Like I did. I mean, I was an executive at a commercial finance company. I had, I had stuff going on, right. Like, and so all of a sudden to just stop everything with no planning, having to kind of like download projects and whatnot to people. It was just this like crazy monster busy time. Like the other fun story about this was, you know, my mom, who had nagged and nagged and nagged. The first person I called, well, I called my husband. Then I called my mom to say, you're not going to believe this. You were right. And she was on the tar. Like she was on an airplane. She, at the time, my dad had been doing this like long term consulting gig out in Asia and she was meeting him in China for a week and she hadn't seen him in over a month. Like, she was really excited about this trip. And so I call her, she's like on the plane, like they're about to pull away from the gate. This is after 9, 11. I have no idea how she got herself off that plane, but she did for another day, right? And so she got off the plane and. And she Was there with my husband for all of the, you know, the pre op appointments and whatnot. So it was really helpful to have multiple ears right when you're hearing all this stuff and it's so rushed.

Gosh, Liz, how incredible for you to have such incredible support like that, that your mom is here taking off for the trip of a lifetime and she decides that she's going to stay and actually fly the other direction to support you. And that's got to be key to your healing, I would think.

Oh my gosh, I can't like you. You're getting choked up thinking about your, you know, your friend. And I get choked up thinking about the level of support that I get from my mother. She's, she's amazing. And, and I think back to that first cancer diagnosis, that that two week period was very stressful because the melanoma is a very, very fast moving cancer. And so what they tell you is if you catch it before it spreads, no big deal. Just wear more sunscreen. And if they don't catch it before it spreads, you have maybe a year to live. Like it's such this. Like it's either no big deal or you're gonna die. Like there's nothing in the middle. There's not various stages. Like it's just kind of one or the other. And so and here I am, I have a three year old and a one year old at home. I have, you know, busy career and life and it was just, it was a lot to take on. And I, I think that the rush of that in some ways was a gift. Right. Because there's just so much life logistics that you have to work out, especially when you're a working parent. Child care and dinners and carpools and, you know, all that stuff has to kind of. You got to work all that stuff out and then. And you know, and I was still working full time, so I was trying to figure out, you know, projects and all this stuff that you do at work. And so I had my consultations and the surgery was Friday morning. Then we had to wait over the weekend to get the biopsy result or the, the cultures back to find out whether or not it had spread. And that weekend, my mom was just around all weekend and I think that it was. And again, the gift was you get a one and three year old, they don't know what's going on. Right. Like they, you know, they need snacks and diapers and naps and trips to the park. And I think all of those things were really helpful to me. In terms of just staying busy and keeping your mind occupied. But we got the call on Monday. The cancer hadn't spread. Just, you know, put on, wear a hat, wear more sunscreen. It's all good. So, you know, that was all good.

You're causing me to remember. I'm just, I'm just gonna throw in a memory here, if I may, because I think it's an important piece for us to focus on. And sometimes we lose sight of it when we're in the throes of getting the news of, of making sure that the kids have snacks and diapers changed and those types of things. Creating this moment of making it normalized. Like it's this. Everything is going on behind the scenes. But yet for the family and the kids specifically, you know, it's like grandma's around and grandma's going to play and we're going to go to the park and we're going to have a good time and, oh, look, you know, and how cool of that to have your mom to kind of step in and do that. And. And I had a mom too, that was like that. And she could normalize anything. I, you know, when my dad was sick and dying, she, she made it seem like it was okay that we got this. It's. It's normalized. And she would turn, I'm sure what was extraordinarily difficult experiences into some form of novelty or play. So that it was like, okay, we're okay. Up to and including the day after my dad's funeral where she could hear us all talking about what happens when life, you know, does life go on? Do we still have parties? Do we still have vacations? I mean, what does that mean, right? And we're all grappling with this, all five of us, and she opens those beautiful curtains in our living room and says, life will go on. We will love and we will have parties and we will laugh again, right? The sun will shine in this house whether it's shining outside or not. And as kids, we have clung to that, right? We're just going down to Moab to celebrate my oldest brother's 70th birthday. I hope he's not listening here because then I just gave the surprise away. But he has this actually painted on a 30 foot teepee in his backyard. The sun will shine in this house whether it shines outside or not. And I think there's got to be a key there to healing that I just wanted to highlight as you were sharing your story, that everything is going to be okay. And that reassurance I think is huge. I've watched my sister do it too, as she has been a 20 year survivor of stage 4 colon cancer. And this experience of her normalizing and finding the joy in what's playing out, which is very dramatic and very difficult to wrap your head around. Her husband and her family have this incredible way of normalizing what's happening in the house. Like, we got this gonna be okay. And how cool that your mom gave that gift to your kids as well.

She did. And you know what's amazing is it wasn't done in a way that, like, where she pointed out she was doing it, it was just now, in retrospect, right, I can see that that's what she was doing. And I heard she was so level headed, right? Just kind of like, whatever happens, we'll deal with it. But let's read Peter Pan, right? Like it was just not. This was. We were going to sell, you know, we were going to live in the moment, we were going to take care of the kids, I was going to ice my leg and that was going to be that, you know, it was just not. It was going to be. She stayed level headed and calm and it just created this example, right, of, you know, no one's going to panic. We're not panicking yet. We're just waiting for the call. When we get the call, then we'll deal with it, right? So we got the call and it was fine. Little champagne was toasted.

And so how long before the second round of cancel?

11 months. It was not even a year. Yeah, 11 months later. It was just completely random. I had my, I think it was my very first mammogram because my mom was a breast cancer survivor, which is a story for another day. And so I was supposed to start getting my mammograms earlier at age 35. I was pregnant at that time. Remember the little baby? So I finally got around to getting that mammogram and it came back with like something questionable. So I went back to the surgeon's office to get a biopsy and as part of the pre op, they start feeling you up, right? You got your hands all up in your boobs. And then her hands started climbing up to my neck and she's like, I just, she found some kind of lump in my neck and she didn't like the feel of that. And I was like, what are you doing? Like, my boobs are down here. Like, what's going on? And so I got two biopsies that week, which was super fun. I Got the neck biopsy and the breast biopsy. And it turns out that the breast biopsy at the time was nothing. It was just shmegma in the boob. I don't know. But the neck biopsy was thyroid cancer. And so at the time, I thought, okay, I need to stop. Everything is surgery Thursday or Friday, right? This whole kind of. This turnaround. And thyroid cancer is one of the slowest moving cancers. It's super common. They're like, well, first you have to do this pre op, and then you have to do these labs, and first you have to meet with this kind of doctor. And so maybe in two months we'll do the surgery. And it just made me crazy. Like, this idea that I would walk around with cancer for two months. But it turns out that that was actually kind of now in retrospect, again, like, it. It was great, right? I had time to plan. I could pick the date, I could adjust it around, you know, when various kind of work and personal obligations would. Would make more sense. You know, there was just all this flexibility that I had in terms of scheduling. Didn't have to schedule it around. I scheduled when both my parents would be in town, my mom would, you know, all these things. So it was. It was actually really nice. I could figure it all out. And so here we thought, okay, this is like a really common procedure. I had done all the labs, all the pre ops went in, and they released me from the hospital. My lips were still a little bit numb, but they said, that's totally normal. And then as I got home, all of a sudden, my hands went numb completely and my face started going numb. And so we called the doctor and we're like, is this normal? They're like, well, take some Tums and call me in 20 minutes. So Tums have a lot of activated calcium in them. Took some Tums, called back and said, interesting. Not feeling good. Starting to feel like I can't move my lips. They're like, okay, we'll meet you in the er. And it turns out that I was going into what's called hypocalcemic shock, which can happen to 2% of patients. Super, super uncommon. And what that meant is that even though I had the thyroid surgery that removes your thyroid gland, there are glands next to the thyroid called the parathyroid glands. And when you have your thyroid removed, they can sometimes either get nicked by the. You know, by the surgeon. That didn't happen to me. They just. I don't know, they were just breathed on wrong, right? Like, there was just something in there that they didn't like. And so my parathyroid hormone start. Stop. Parathyroid stopped working. And so I needed an alternative to that. And because it's so rare, there's not like a standard synthetic parathyroid hormone. It's just, you know, there's kind of secondary things that doctors do to kind of sell for it, which is a long way of saying. I was in the hospital for two weeks while they tried to figure out the drug cocktail that would keep me off of IV calcium. Wow. And that was traumatic, right? That was really, really hard. I missed my kids. The. All of a sudden, you know, here we thought we were planning, we knew what surgery was going to be. And all of a sudden now I'm. Mom's in the hospital and there's just, you know, all of a sudden the balls are dropping everywhere. And so I eventually, you know, over two weeks, they figured out a drug combination. Another month or so later, so I was home after two weeks. I think that I was out of work, gone from my office almost a month, and then kind of tried to get back to normal. And it was maybe a year where I just never felt well. I was constantly exhausted and I was complaining to one of my doctors like, this just, I don't think is it. This is not right. Like, I wasn't this tired when my babies were infants and not sleeping through the night, like, something is wrong. And he said to me, you're a working mom. Working moms are always tired. And yeah, Stacy, that was my reaction exactly. Like she's shaking her head like, are you kidding me? Like, yeah. I was like, okay, so. And you know, in the moment, I just kind of nodded and, and got really quiet and then did not make a follow up appointment. Found a different endocrinologist, right. Who was a good listener. And we tried some different drug combinations. And lo and behold, I got my energy back. So, you know, that was again, a great learning that you have to advocate for yourself, right? That you have to really kind of pay attention to how you're feeling. And even if it's rare, I mean, again, these are things that happen to 2% of people here. 2. You know what I mean? It's just so uncommon and yet if it's happening to me, then I need to deal with it. So I think that those were all very good learnings, right? Advocate for yourself, right? You know, there's only so much you can plan around. Let people help you. Right? So those were the first two cancers. And then you fast forward it was almost five years later that I had my third cancer, and that was much less serious because it was basal cell carcinoma on my nose. And so it was just one of my regular dermatology appointments. You know, they kind of do the whole. You stand there naked and they look at every inch of your skin. It's so comfortable.

And, Liz, you know, if. If I could.

Yeah.

I think you've mentioned a couple of things that I just want to circle back and highlight here as we're moving forward. I love what you said about advocating. You know, sometimes when we feel like, especially in a medical kind of. Of context, that. That everybody knows more than you do. And. And although that may be true from a learning perspective, nobody knows your body and the sensations and experiences in your body better than you. You do. And when you're taking a medication or there's a procedure or something that is. Is offered and yet you feel uncomfortable with it or that, you know is not working or that, you know, you want to learn more about, I think so many of us just go, oh, well, you know, okay. They said, this is what's supposed to happen, or this is the way it's supposed to be. And there's so many stories from the dear people that I love in my life that has kind of pushed back on that a little bit up to and including maybe a little bit of radical. What's. What I'm remembering is my sister having to go in for yet another surgery as they were moving her ileostomy from one side of her body to the other. And the nurse calls and says, it's imperative that you get in today because we need to mark on your body where this is going to be moved to. And my sister had this incredible way, like I had mentioned earlier, of turning everything into some kind of an extension experience. Like, she had this way of creating a novel moment out of this incredibly difficult experience where she goes in for surgery. She always gets herself a new pair of pajamas, a special cup for her water. She always gets her nails done, her lashes done, and she always has these cute little pair of flip flops like she's going on vacation. And she always imagines herself laying in a bed, sitting on the beach with the sun beaming down on her. So, like, she's mentally trying to get herself to vacation when she goes into these surgeries. And she's had many of them. And she said at the nurse, with respect but very firm, I'll tell you what's imperative. I need to go and take care of myself right now. And I'm sure you'll figure out where to put it. And they did. And she didn't show up for that because she felt like she knew what she needed in order to get herself mentally and emotionally prepared for what was coming in the aftermath. Right. And I, and I think it's really important for us when we're advocating for ourselves to pay attention to that. There's nobody who knows you better than you do.

I totally agree. And I. The other element, and you know, I'm going to tread on some kind of dangerous waters here, but I do believe that when we work with our medical, when you work with a doctor, the tools they have available to them are prescription drugs, right? And surgery like that, those are their go tos. And there are other ways to help yourself outside, outside of those things. So I'm not suggesting in any way, shape or form that it's either or it's. And Right. So that was the other thing. Like I had met with a new, you know, I was, I had gained a lot of weight as a result of that surgery. I had no energy. I was feeling really crummy. And so I went to go meet with a nutritionist who put me on a gluten free diet. And the combination of gluten free diet plus kind of an adjustment of the, my Synthroid and other, you know, other medicines I was on was huge. And it's impossible to know which combination. Right. Like, I don't know if one or the other would have solved it, but gosh, it was really nice to also kind of take some control myself and try to figure it out and so that I could feel better, have more energy, drop the weight. Like all of those are things that then made me feel more in control and better. So I think that that's the other element too. And I see this because I follow a lot of, you know, many elements of the cancer community there. I think especially the older women, I see them feel very fatalistic, right? Like, well, this happened to me and the doctor says I have to do this and it sounds really miserable, but I'm gonna do it. And I'm like, well, you know, ask, talk, see what the choices are. Right. Like there's, there are. Medicine is as much art as science. You know, there are choices and there are pluses and minuses to both. And you know, as long as you're willing to be a little bit of a pincushion, which I, I recommend, you know, try, try, see what works because they're what might work for one person, right? Might not for the other. So I love that your, your sister has an attitude of I'm going to get my nails done, I'm going to have some nice comfy pajamas, I'm going to, you know, everything is going to be good so that when I walk in, I'm in the right mental space. I mean, whatever you need to do, right? Whatever you need to do.

Yes, absolutely. And I love that you're talking about this care of self. Right. You've mentioned it a couple of times now and I really want to highlight that again. If nobody knows your body like you do, then nobody knows how to care for that and to rise to the occasion and to also point out that we figure this out with contrast. Right? What works for me, what doesn't. And sometimes that is a trial and error type of a process. So don't be afraid to try new things, right? New as you're learning and growing because you're going to find that gluten free diet that works perfectly or very well with your medication or you're going to find the thing that makes you, you know, refuel with your emotional gas so that you don't run out of gas with inside of yourself and flatline and feel a little bit fatalistic. And we forget that sometimes that's how life rolls. Whether we're talking about cancer or we're talking about relationships, or we're talking about careers or children. It unfolds as we go. We don't figure it out before we get started. We figure it out as we go.

I would just, you know, we're huge proponents in our body of work. Again, no disrespect, but whether you're battling, you know, going through cancer or just everyday life, we show up as good as we feel. Bottom lines.

Yeah.

I mean, so, you know, I salute you, Liz. To know that you'd have the, the, the intuition to know, especially when you're navigating. But for our everyday lives, we show up as good as we feel and that's huge, you know, and it's totally, it takes extra consideration and mindset and preparation to feel good, especially when you're navigating. So please share with us. Not that, I mean, God love you. Okay, how about number four?

I mean the number three. Here's what I'll say about number three really quick because I do think again. It was a huge part of, kind of what got me through 4 is that so they had this little nudge on my nose and it wasn't life threatening but had to be removed and you can't really see in this video good lighting, but I'm very freckled. And the. And so normally what they would do is they would kind of take a chunk of skin from the nose, replace it with a chunk of skin from your neck and put it on your nose. Well, I would look like Rudolph Red nose. I mean, I would look like I have a patch right on my face because the freckle pattern would not match. And so.

And if I may, for our podcast listeners, right now I am looking at Liz and she is absolutely stunningly gorgeous. She has very, very beautiful skin and beautiful hair, which I happen to be a proponent of. She is absolutely gorgeous. And you would never know that anything had happened to her nose because why.

So when I went to. So they bounced me over to plastics because that's who would have to do the surgery. And the plastic surgeon said, okay, well, the standard of care is that we're going to start here and you're up to here. That's it. So we're going to start here and we're going to create a, a cut that goes all the way down from the inner part of your eye all the way down to your chin. And then we're going to use that to kind of use that skin to cover your nose. And I was like, wow. So I'm going to have be like, totally Scarface, like from my eye to my chin. They go, yes. It's like, is there another option? He goes, no. And I thought to myself, well, this isn't a fast moving cancer and this guy's kind of a jerk. So let's just go meet with a couple of other plastic surgeons. And lo and behold, I met with a plastic surgeon that had this totally alternative surgical process that he put together that was crazy. I mean, it was crazy. Like it was a two part process. They pulled, removed the skin from my nose. They stretched out my skin. Like, you know when you go into like a turkey to kind of like loosen the skin from the leg to, you know, stuff in the special butter.

And all the herbs.

Yeah, that was. And I was awake for this. I cannot recommend enough to not be awake for this. And so they were, they. They loosened up the skin and then they covered it. And then I went away. I don't remember. It was like a week or 10 days. And I came back and the skin was loosened. It was enough that they could cover it up because the hole was big enough that they couldn't just close it together. And you can't tell. Like, you really can't tell, like, I. You cannot see the scar. And so here's the piece that I will say. This was a far more invasive surgery. This surgery was totally miserable to go through. It was crazy. However, I chose it, right? And I knew that I chose it because I didn't want to be disfigured. And so that's what got me through, right? Like, I made the choice. I found the doctor. Like, I. This is how I was going to do it. And so Dr. Karanda, if you were ever in the Kansas City area, is very good with faces, as the women in the area have told me. And it's true. Like, I mean, you really cannot see the scar. It's very, very mild.

So, I mean, you got a facelift in the process.

I could have. I didn't. But I was a little younger at the time. Now I'm wishing, right. Could I could have done a little. Little check.

Yeah, yeah. But they stretched it out so you don't have any, like, wrinkles around your eyes and stuff. I'm like, hey, that's a good payoff right there.

It was crazy. So again, so learning, learning, learning, right? So it's all learning. And so then back in 2007, 17, back for my regular mammogram. This is number four, lucky number four. The name came back and they're like, no, no, we don't like it. Come back in six months. Came back in six months. Like, no, it's growing. So had the biopsy, and lo and behold, it's breast cancer. But luckily it caught very, very early. And so now I have. I have information, right? So now I've been through this before. So instead of panicking that I have cancer, I'm like, okay, well, what are my choices? What are the options? Let's interview doctors. And I took my time to decide which doctors I wanted to work with. Those that would at least humor me with conversations about medical outcomes and percentages, because those are all things that I find very comforting to know. And I like data and information that. That's good for me. I know there's some people that find that overwhelming. So to each his own. But for me, that was really, really helpful. And the, you know, friends and family. There was a particular friend of a friend or friend of our. My mom's, that got me into, like, this very premier, hard to get to physician or oncologist in Kansas City. And he was the biggest jerk I've ever met and made me cry in his office. And I was like, you know what? I don't need this in my life, like, I'm gonna work with the people that I want to work with. I don't care how popular and in demand he is. And to this day, I'm so grateful that I had the conscious. You know what I mean? I've been through this before. I know that I'm going to see these people a lot for the next year. Like, these have to be people I want to work with. And. And that's, I think, my also approach. I approached it as, here's people that I want to work with. Like, I'm not signing up for a medical overlord, right? I am signing up for a medical team. And it is a really different attitude going in saying, who is my team versus, you know, who is going to be my dictator?

And oh, wow, that's so well said. And I think that's such an important element for us. To feel like we're supported, to feel like we have what we need and to feel good about what it is we're doing. And the people that are working as your team, there isn't a price tag that you can put on that feeling that then helps us heal. My sister also has had some very similar experiences of formulating a team that she feels very safe and very good about being in her sphere of influence, and that that actually stimulates the healing process. So it really doesn't matter. I mean, not to minimize. Like you said, we are. We are treading on very interesting waters here. But to feel good about who you're carrying and placing literally your life in somebody's hands, how you feel about that person and that team, makes all the difference in the world.

Sometimes it does. And I think that there are some. You know, there are some doctors that are more conservative than others. There are some that are more aggressive, some that are more. That are more quiet, some that are really chatty. And I think it's just about, you know, matching up that doctor's approach and Persona with. With yours, right? And I think those are things that make a huge difference in this whole, you know, this whole experience. I mean, it's all, you only get one life, right? So when I was going through. So I chose, you know, so I did all that, did my interviews, chose my treatment plan. When I was going through radiation treatment, everyone kept saying, oh, you're a runner. You're so healthy. You're so young. It was really nice to hear how young I was. And in my 40s. I super enjoyed that. You're so young. You're going to be fine. It's going to be no big deal. So I made all of my appointments for 7:45 in the morning. The only thing I was planning on not doing was taking my kids to school in the morning. And my husband took care of that. You know, the grade school drop off and everything else was supposed to just be kind of normal. And I would get into the office by 8:30 or 9:00 clock and that was going to be that. And I was just not prepared. I was not prepared for how badly I would burn, how crappy I would be feeling, how completely exhausted I was. Like it was just. I was not prepared because I kept, everyone kept telling me how young and healthy I was. So here's just kind of way of pointing out like you can be a marathon runner and still have a terrible time with radiation. Like it's not, it's not nothing. And so I was scrambling, you know, I was just constantly screaming. I was like, where's the aluminum free deodorant that actually prevents sweat stains? That's not just baking soda in your armpits, you know, like where's the ice pack that won't melt through your clothes and have leave these big old wet spots? Because you know, I'm still a marketing executive at that time at a construction company. Like I was all these engineer dudes. Like I didn't want them seeing ice packs sweating through my blouse. Like that was really embarrassing. So just all this stuff that you need that's non prescription and there wasn't like radiationrelief.com that didn't exist. And I kept thinking there has to be a better way. This is crazy. You need all these things. The only thing they're giving me is Usurin. Usrin is like basically Vaseline. It just nothing was working that they were providing and I had to kind of fend for myself. And I was just so completely blown away and unprepared. And I kept thinking there has to be a better way. So that was 2017. I muscled through it, got to the end of treatment and then I spent three years really thinking about what, why, why is it so bad and how could it be better? And I started developing a business plan because that's what I do. And, and I developed a plan. It started as radiationrelief.com and then I kept thinking, you know what, that's too small because this problem exists for when you go through surgery and this problem exists when you go through chemo. And this problem exists for everything. And so I made it bigger in my head and on paper and we Launched the bomb. And so then I. You know, the beauty of the pandemic for me is that all of a sudden, you know, this really crazy, busy life of running around every night for, you know, soccer games and volleyball games and cello concerts and, you know, cub scout and all this stuff, all of a sudden that grinds to a halt. And I had time. And so I put together kind of a more thoughtful business plan with actual numbers and data, got a little bit of startup funding and ended up taking a really big leap and quitting my corporate job and launching thebombbox.com and it launched. You know, I did all the business, a lot of development over the summer, and then launched in fall of 2020. And we are also celebrating roughly our one year anniversary. So congrats to us all. Yay. And, you know, the whole thing has just grown so fast, and it's just been amazing. And one thing that I will point out in terms of growing the business, the very first thing I did, I should have mentioned, is I put together a survey because I'm in marketing and that's what we do. Trying to, you know, confirm that is there an audience and a, you know, and a market for this market? Yeah. And so I developed a survey. And the survey started with questions like, have you ever had cancer and done these treatments and you kind of went down one path and if you hadn't, then have you ever purchased a gift for somebody that's gone through cancer treatment? And so kind of went down these multiple paths. And what I learned. And so first of all, it was the pandemic. If you remember, back In March of 2020, everyone was in front of their computers and bored out of their skulls. So if I sent an email and said, hey, here's a really long survey that with no incentive whatsoever, could you take it? Everyone's like, great, something to do. And then they shared it and it went viral and it collected almost 600 responses, which is awesome. It was statistically valid. And so one of the learning just completely validated that I wasn't alone. And so when you ask cancer patients, what are the things, what are the tools that you really needed and wanted when you were going through your treatments? And there was like a list of like 50 things for them to choose from. And the absolute top performing, best performing items were all functional. So things like ice packs and lip balm and essential oils, which I had never used. So that was kind of a new thought to me. And all the absolute worst, bottom of the barrel, worst ratings were all what I would Call inspirational kicking cancer Tote bags, worry stones, coffee mugs, right? All of those things. Those pink T shirts that I just got so many of and they're so well meaning, right? But no one wants that stuff. Or at least in our serv survey of people, nobody wanted it. What they wanted were functional tools. And that was, to me, the big insight that led to the launch of the Bomb Box, which was, why can't care packages be functional? Because, gosh, nobody needs more pink mugs, like I'm telling you.

And fuzzy socks, right?

Fuzzy socks I have a love hate relationship with. Because, you know, the thing is people really love the fuzzy socks. They are cozy and your feet do get really cold when you're going through radius radiation, chemo. But yes, yeah, those are ones that I, you know, I think they, they tread the line between, like, functional and totally inspirational. But yeah, the inspirational stuff, like the, you know, the bags and the, you know, the, the pins and the books and the, you know, journals, I mean, those are things that just really did not rate well. That's correct. Yes.

I love. I was always, you know, when we first met, I was so inspired by what you had done here. And I'm thinking of being a person who's looking to support somebody who's maybe in the throes of this as a friend or a family member or maybe a lover, your partner, and to have somebody surprise you with a functional product. Right. To think that you learned about that and you thought through that would be so touching. And so I just, I just want to mention that here, right. That's what I love about the Bomb Box, is that it's a place where you can go without a haul out of heartache to actually find something that's not only going to help your lover, your person, the person that you love and care about, but it's also going to provide them with something functional that they need as they're going through the journey and the process.

I think that one of the best gifts is that as a patient, when you receive it, you feel heard, right? You feel heard like, oh, they get it. They get how miserable this is and how much pain I'm in, as opposed to. I feel like the opposite is true when you get those, at least for me, and again, I can speak for myself and certainly just anecdotally with other breast cancer survivors. Those pink T shirts, man, like, getting that stuff makes you feel like you almost have a responsibility to be perky and the breast cancer warrior hold with the strong arm. And a lot of days you don't feel like a breast cancer warrior with your strong arm. You kind of want the opportunity just to kind of lie in bed and watch Saturday Night Live reruns. Needs them extra added pressure to be a good patient. Right. And that's. I think that's my interpretation, certainly, of why those items kind of have an almost negative connotation to a lot of cancer survivors.

And what I would say that, you know, this is the absolute confirmation what we teach and mentor in our body of work is. And sometimes people have a hard time getting their arms around it In. In relationships, like other areas of life. Specifics. I have a saying that I love to share, and I do it often. Specificity in our relationships is like catnip for our soul. And what you're advocating. Tell me if that doesn't resonate. Yeah, catnip. So functionality would be like catnip. Like, oh, my gosh, thank you so much, because this brings me such relief and comfort, you know, Gosh.

And unfortunately, we've got to wrap this up. And so my mind is, like, thinking, okay, how is the best way for us to do this? We didn't get a chance to talk about the support of your husband and your family, and. And I'm sure he contributed so much to your healing process. So I just want to give a shout out to him and your family and your mom, and I want to give a shout out to you for doing all that you could to stay engaged in life and. And present with those that are around you as well, and. And yet be able to kind of be nurtured and allow that support nurturing in when it was necessary.

Right.

And there's a. There's a give and take there that I think I want to highlight. So as we land this, I also, I want to do two things. I want to give us a chance to.

To.

To take away away our. Our biggest thoughts from our conversation today, each of us, each three of us. And then I want to give you an opportunity to talk about the really cool giveaway that we're doing throughout the month of October that you're doing specifically for our listeners inside the love shack. So we got to do this on about 30 seconds, so I guess we're gonna have to make it quick. But, Liz, do you want to go first and tell us what is the biggest takeaway that you would like to share with our listeners today from our conversation and from your experience?

Oh, well, that's a lot of pressure. I. I think that certainly if there's anything anyone can take from My four cancers and experience is don't forget to take care of yourself and to be your best advocate. And that. That is not selfish. That is smart. And so I just cannot stress enough the importance of self care in the middle of. Of all these cancer treatments. It's overwhelming and terrifying, no doubt. But to me, self care is a combination of advocating for yourself and then also taking care of yourself. So making sure that you have all the functional support tools that you need. And that certainly is why I launched thebombbox.com. right. It was all about those functional support tools. Because, you know, you don't have to wait for someone to buy them for you. You can buy them for yourself. Guess what? We take both credit cards of self care and gifting.

I love that. Yeah. Yes. Allow people to and support you. And if by chance you're standing on the sidelines wondering what to do, I just want you to understand that showing up and being present is the thing to do. We don't have to fix it. We. We don't have to figure it out. That the person who's actually struggling just needs to know that you're there and that you're standing by. And sometimes that's so reassuring in and of itself. And then, yes, if you want to explore some functional products, even better. Right. Like Tom said, that's catnip to yourself.

And I would. I'll just add on that is. Is life is all about relationships. Thank you, mom. You know, that's what she raised me with. You're going through what Liz has gone through. Your medical team is an unbelievably important relationship, just like your spouse and like your partner. So, like, Liz had the wisdom and. And the insight to create a team that she felt good and supported and resonated with. So you have that option, because guess what? You're hiring these people, not the other way around.

I love that.

That's.

That's so good. All right, and so tell us really quickly about the giveaway.

Yeah, so we're giving away a soothing skin and lips box. And so the beauty of this box is that it includes some really beautiful bespoke items that are like some lavender and almond calendula and some really great lotions. And don't get me wrong, these are meant for people going through treatment. However, they're all kind of really great to have for yourself anyway, so there's no. No. No one says that you have to be going through cancer treatment to enjoy some lavender essential oil. So you can either give them away or you can keep them for yourself and you enter. I don't know. You give me. You tell them how to enter.

Yeah. How you enter to get on that is you got to get on our fun list. And we have the whole month of October in order to make that happen. We're going to be giving this box away the first week of November. So as we honor and cheer on those who are supporting somebody who's struggling with cancer, breast cancer for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, or maybe you're the one that's needing the self care yourself. You have a whole month to get on that fun list and that's@stacybartly.com fun again stacybartley.com fun get on that list and that will enter you to win that beautiful balm box that is only happening for our listeners inside the love shack. So your odds of winning are really great. Right. It's not like we're opening this up to the whole world. So make sure that you get on that list. Liz, thank you so much for taking the time to spend with us today inside the love shack and for sharing your story with us. I'm sure it's going to be a comfort as well as informative to so many people right now who are maybe in the throes of this challenge or supporting someone who is in the throes of that challenge. So thank you so much and we look forward to maybe having you back again sometime.

Absolutely. Thank you for having me. You bet.

Have a beautiful day.

You too.

So we're going to take a really quick break. It's going to be super quick because we got a couple of things that we still need to do. We gotta have a little fun, babe. And I've got to do a drawing and we have a little bit of love to spray.

Tuned.

We'll be right back.

Back.

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Welcome back, everybody. Tom and Stacy Bartley inside the Love Shack. We're going to jump right into our.

Fun and we've got a giveaway going on right now. We do that the first week of every single month for those who are on that fun list we talked about just before the break. And we're also celebrating our 52nd episode. So today is a big day for us again, as Tom had said earlier, thank you so much for being here with us inside the Love shack and helping us grow and spread the word. And today our giveaway is because it's getting cool outside. I want you to envision or imagine for a moment you and your special somebody like curling up on the couch and you have this beautiful throw that you get to like throw around you. And it's, it's soft and it's sensuous and it feels so good because it's getting cold outside.

At least it is here and where we are.

And then you got favorite little beverage going on with it and you know, your toes touch and you, I love where you're going there, babe. So that's what we're going to give away today, the throw. And if I could put that whole experience in a box for you and ship it to wherever you are in the United States of America, I would. And we're going to ask our Eric engineer, our Eric writer, our engineer to pick a number between 1 and 100. And this will be our lucky winner for this month. Month's giveaway. Eric, what number have you got for us?

Let's go. 12.

12.

Oh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. Okay, well, we have envision 13@yahoo.com that's going to be the winner. And don't worry if you don't know who that is. For sake of security and privacy, we are going to personally email you in just a little bit and let you know that you are the winner. Winner of that incredible throw. Again, envision 13 at Yahoo. Okay, we'll be in touch with you very soon to get your address and send you your incredible gift.

Time for some feel good. What are we feeling?

Yeah, it is.

We're gonna spread Our spread some love today because we had such a wonderful conversation with Liz.

I guess we know we're gonna have.

Okay, Eric, I think we're gonna skip it because, you know. Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna do Claudia next week. That's gonna be a fun thing to talk about, but we're gonna to stay that off and honor the time that we have together here, your time, our time, our radio stations time, who hosts us. And we're going to talk about the feeling part of this conversation. I found this incredible song and doing some research for the, for the episode today. It's called the Pink Song and it's sung by Dolly Parton, Monica Jordine Sparks, Rita Wilson and Sarah Evans. And I love the, the, the. The conversation that is happening in this song that says you got to believe without seeing. That's so true. You got to keep going, keep breathing. And when you face a day that feels like you're going to break, Lean on the ones that you love. The guardian angels from above and think about when pink is just another color in your life. And I think that's well said. So check this out. You can find this song along with all the songs for each and every episode that we use every single week that we're in the love shack with you on our website at staceybart. It's a Spotify list that you can, you can listen to all of them. And, and again, I want to highlight. It's important for us to learn how to feel, not just think. And it's the feeling part that creates that emotional experience that relationships are made of, both with yourself and with others.

And I would ask you if you're feeling challenged, if you have this type of a challenge that Liz was so, so vulnerable and shared with us or going through other types of challenges that you're not, not sure how to navigate. I cannot encourage you enough to listen to our brand new masterclass.

That masterclass is going to help you say what you need to say and highlight exactly what Liz talked about. Advocate for yourself. There's nobody that knows what you need more than you do. And that's so true. Whether we're talking about a medical team or we're talking about our lovers that are here to support us but have no idea sometimes what to do or how to knock it out of the park.

Really simple too. This is on demand. Just like going to Netflix. Just go to stacybartley.com workshop. All one word. And you can listen, you can take it in. It's about one hour long. And I promise you, it's some of our best, best tools.

Yeah. So thanks so much for being here today and woohoo. We're one year old. Have a beautiful week and if you love the show, spread it around. We look forward to being back here with you next week inside the Love Shack. Until then, take good care of yourself.

Thanks everybody.

Bye bye.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacey Bartley.