#57: How To Be Supportive When Your Partner Is Going Through A Rough Patch

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Absolutely. Thank you very much. Episode 57 Inside here, the Love Shack. Again, thank you for gifting us your most precious resource. Resource. Got my tongue tied there. Which is your time and a important shout out to our veterans. It's if you're listening live or if you're not, it's Veterans Day today, November 11th. So we have family members that are have served proudly and are currently serving. So again, thank you very much to whomever, those out there that have served, either past or present. Thank you very much.

Well, that kind of ties into our conversation today. We are going to be talking about how to support your partner that's going through a rough patch. This comes up, it's going to happen. It's inevitable. And in our relationships, we have a tendency to think that if we're going through a rough patch, that somebody's done something wrong, that we've done something wrong.

Or we've picked the wrong partner.

So there's a big problem here. And that's what we tend to go to. So managing the emotionally tough stuff is hard.

It is.

It just is. And we need to tell the truth about that. Worrying about our relationships falling apart, experiencing money stress, health problems, fertility issues, job stress, kids stress, bringing on job dilemmas, arranging child care. The list that we worry about is never ending. And it really is. We can find ourselves in some very interesting circumstances. So how do we get through tough times? And how can we be a supportive partner when our significant other is the one that's going through a tough time?

Or maybe we don't. Maybe we're going through a tough time and our partner's not, you know, really wanting to help us.

Yeah, we all know that the hardest times in our relationships happen when our partners or ourselves are going through a rough patch. And whether or not it's you or your partner going through the rough patch, it's going to affect your family and your relationship. It's inevitable. So it's important for us to know how to navigate through these difficult things. So today in the love shack, I want to invite you to continue to eavesdrop on a conversation that we're going to have with our incredible guest, Julia Nicholson. She's going to talk with us about empowering ways that we can not only manage the difficulties in our lives, but how we can use them to our advantage. Julia is a TEDx speaker and an experienced executive with a history of successfully leading not only people, but organizations through challenging environments. And so we're going to pick her brain as well as have her share with us the five realizations that she uncovered while going through a tough time in her own life. And Tom and I will share a few little rough spots ourselves. Yeah, we have them. Even though we do this work, it's important for you to know that so that you realize you're not alone in going through rough times. It's a human thing. It's something that we all do. So join us and eavesdrop on this conversation so that you too can know what to do if you need to support somebody or get the support that you're needing when going through a rough time. We'll be right back.

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Welcome back, everyone. We're Tom and Stacey Bartley Inside the Love Shack, episode 50. And we are going to step right into the heart of the matter.

Yeah, we're going to tell you about Julia Nicholson. She's going to help us eavesdrop on a conversation here or you get to eavesdrop on a conversation that we're going to have with her about how to help ourselves or a loved one through a rough patch. This is a reality. It's something that we're all going to go through as in this human experience. And right now we seem to have a lot of bumps in the road. You know, kind of reminds me of the stuff ski slope that you kind of go down in the winter time.

Those moguls.

Yeah. Where there's a ton of them and.

You'Re like, sometimes they, they feel and look like mountains.

Julia Nicholson, she's a TEDx speaker. She's an experienced executive with a demonstrated history of successfully leading organizations through challenging environments. She's skilled in strategic planning. She's the board of governance. She's an entrepreneur. She's fabulous at communication. She's the executive coach that oft times is called in. She's also a graduate of the University of Denver with an MBA as well as the University of Missouri with a bsba. So she's got a lot of experience in this. And you know, when I met Julia, the thing that I really admired and appreciated about her the most was that not only does she teach these skills and lead these skills through organizations and corporations, but she's also lived through some difficult rough patches herself. And so we're so excited to bring her onto the show today. And she also has what she's developed as the five realizations that you uncover while going through a tough time that has helped her weather her own rough patches as well as lead organizations. Julia, welcome to the show. It is so wonderful to have you here. I have been so excited for our conversation. And the wonderful thing about Julia too is her and I don't live very far apart. So that's, you know, out of our wonderful guests from around the world, it's fun to find one that's just like right here in our backyard. Great to have you here.

Thank you very much. I'm really excited to be here.

So listen, would you be willing to summarize the experiences that led you to creating these five realizations in your own life? I know that there's much to explore there, but if you could give us the cliff note version of why it is that you develop these five realizations so that we can take a little trip down your life lane.

Sure, sure. I think probably I'll start with the first biggest challenge that I faced at 18 years old. I was hit head on by a drunk driver on a deserted two lane highway. And I should have never ever lived to even tell the story. And a lot of challenge at 18 years old to instantly, I mean, the drunk driver was going well over 90 miles an hour. And I took the full brunt of the impact sitting in the front passenger seat. And so at 18 years old, I instantly lost my physical appearance at the same time, my self confidence, my self esteem, my self worth. And I was in a place where I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to go on. I didn't see any future that would have been something that I would be even looking forward to. And that's kind of where my life experience started, if you will, with some of the challenges that life throws at you that you can't avoid. And I started to learn through that one situation. As more and more things happen in my life that I refer to as it's, everybody has an it a loss or an unwanted challenge or change in their life that impacts them. And what we don't realize is when we don't process these in a productive way and learn something from them to use going forward, they start to weigh us down and they impact every relationship in our life and they impact the direction and quality of our life going forward. And I recognized at 18 that there's a big difference between not wanting to live anymore and not wanting to live like this anymore. I didn't want to live in that darkness. I didn't want to live in the sadness I had isolated myself, I had withdrawn literally from everything and everyone. I didn't want to leave the house, I didn't want to go out. And when I realized, wait, I don't want to live like this anymore, but I still want to live if it can be better. And not too long after that car accident, even though I was, my physical injuries were healing, but inside, emotionally, mentally I was a wreck. And I didn't realize I was still struggling with a lot of the challenges that I really faced because of that car accident and all the things and the messiness that was going on inside. And so less than two years after that car accident, I got married and. And no one should ever make a major life decision when you're struggling with that grief and that guilt and that mental challenge and emotional challenge. And that marriage turned out to be just as devastating as the car accident. And after enduring five years of abuse, I filed for divorce. And that was a big challenge because I had lost what little self esteem and self confidence that I had started to rebuild. But now I had a three year old and a three month old. And so I put guilt and blame on myself too because this was now a decision that I made that made my life a bigger challenge. So I struggled with trying to raise a three year old and a three month old on my own and got a full time job, some part time jobs and went back to college and life was going on pretty good as I'm still trying to figure out. But all this while people were asking me how did I do it, how did I overcome the challenges at 18 years old when you're facing so much is important to you that have to do with your looks and that self esteem and self confidence is so huge. And now to have it torn from me again in an abusive relationship and I didn't really have an answer for them, I just knew that I did. And I'll fast forward now, multiple losses and it's and changes in my life and challenges but I'm just trying to hit the highlights for you. Then I wind up graduating. I had a master's degree, bachelor's degree. I had two happy healthy teenagers 12 years later and CEO of a really large company. Life was great. And then I met Keith and life turned into spectacular. And he had been through a lot of challenges in his life too. And so we really thought at this point this was going to be our happily ever after. Well, unfortunately that didn't last very long. Less than two years into our marriage, another it happened he had a motocross accident. And he was found unconscious on the track and critically injured and paralyzed from the waist down. And our life together changed dramatically. It wasn't the happily ever after that we thought. And then four years, a little over four years after his accident, another it happened. Keith took his own life. And in a split second, my entire world shattered again. And here I am just continually feeling like the hits just keep on coming. And how do you get. How do you get any semblance of balance or ability, ability to process it when they just keep coming? And it really forced me to take a step back, to be able to answer people, how did I have the career success that I had that was so improbable, coupled with the tragedy and the challenge and the change in my personal life? And so I really took a step back and started to think about how did I do it? And I recognized when I really took a step back and started thinking about it, it was the same five things, the same pattern, even in a different order, with the same realizations that allowed me to process whatever was happening in my life in a productive way and learn from it and integrate what happened. Because we can't leave it behind. When there's something that happens in our relationship, in our life, whether it's personal or professional, it becomes a part of you. And the challenge is so much of the time, we don't realize, we get to decide what part of us it becomes and what part it will play. And so I recognize that what I was able to do when I discovered this is each time, whether it was an argument with a spouse, whether it was a challenge with my child, whether it was something in a professional environment, in an organization, I used these same five pieces of this framework every time to be able to process it productively. And I think that is what made all the difference for me. And now when I look at it, it's easy, right, when you look back. But what was out there in the conventional wisdom world didn't work for me. And that really required me to think about what did work. Because loss in your life when you're facing uncertain future is very different than the conventional wisdom out there when it's a future loss of your life.

Wow.

And those stages. So that some of the things that I've experienced in my life.

Well, there's a couple of things that I just want to point out here. Number one, there's a. There's a difference between healing my physical wounds and my emotional wounds. And this points to the reality that we really have a physical body and an emotional body. And they deserve care and they will both heal, right, if I give them the ingredients with which to support that. And thankfully, they work very similar. In our work, we spend a lot of time helping people understand that these are two very real entities within, inside of ourselves. And you've so highlighted that beautifully. The thing, the second thing that I want to point out is that we can do tough things, right? We really can. We can go through very difficult, rough times. And if we have a. And I can't wait to hear your five realizations. But yet the things that we go through always contribute to who it is we are and who we are becoming and what every time I hear your story, Julia, it reminds me of a wonderful artist, Jeff Goins, who wrote that stopped me in my tracks. When your past becomes relevant to your future, you have found your destiny. Like the things that we go through become byproducts of who we are and who it is we become. And then when we step into those and embrace those and find the value in them, as difficult as they have been, they always take us to our future, which is so perfect for what you say, right. And what you've shared and what it is you're doing now with writing your book, with sharing these five realizations to the world on your TEDx talk. I just want to congratulate you because that is, that is a difficult journey. That is a very, very difficult journey. I don't care who's listening. That is rough when you go through a car accident, into an abusive relationship, into a single parenthood, into losing the love of your life when you thought it was going to all work out. And now look what it's given you as far as like these principles that you can pass along to those of us who are saying, how did you do it? And so I applaud you for taking the time for writing the book, for breaking this down into a process that we can talk about and share. It's beautiful.

Thank you. I thank you. I appreciate that. And I think that it's such an important piece of who we are that we can't change. And I used to get asked all the time, how are you so successful in spite of what happened? And then they always used to you and I take out those words because when I use the words, to me, it makes me a victim. And I didn't like that. So I just identified this is what happened because things happen in life. And the biggest, the biggest response that shocked people was that I didn't do what I've done in My life in spite of what I've experienced. It's because of what I've experienced that I was able to process it in a productive way and integrate that experience into my life and use something that I learned going forward each time. And I like to call those the diamonds out of the rough stuff of life. Because we can find those. We can live in that darkness or despair or sadness, or this is as good as my life is going to get, or my life is ruined, or my relationship is ruined, or we can look at this and say, wait a minute, what can I learn from this? What can I use maybe to help somebody else? And what I found was each time I process things that happened in my life that I didn't want to happen, that I couldn't control, even though I wish I could have, I actually gained self confidence, I gained resilience, I gained determination, I gained perseverance, I gained courage. I gained all of these things that allowed me to continue to grow in my career and grow personally and professionally. And they've helped me in every area of my life. And I mean, that's why I'm so passionate about sharing these. Because anybody can use them, no matter what loss or change they've had in their life, no matter how long ago, you can start using them right now. And it really is life changing. It makes such a difference when you realize that there is a way that you don't have to live in the current situation if you don't like it the way it is and there is something that you can do with it and use this stuff to your advantage.

Yeah, I would just. That's just eloquently, you know, shared Julia, to remind us all, again, it's not. If something is going to challenge us in our life journey, it absolutely is because that is the life journey. Not to be cliche, but I always say cliche is cliche because it's, it really is true is to. How about build knowing Again, we oftentimes people come to us, our private clients, you know, because something is wrong. Well, there's nothing wrong. You're simply going through the relationship experience. And we're all mess making machines. My wife likes to say, if you're human, raise your hand, okay, well then you're a mess making machine. I'm saying that in a way that's loving, with great respect, because that's what life is. It's messy, it's complicated, it's difficult. But if we build the resilience, it's no different than an athlete thinking that they wouldn't be tearing down their muscles. I mean, they know that's how you get to be stronger. You know, I mean, so. Yes. I mean, you're providing. I'm anxious to hear, because we're all about. Frameworks are really, really powerful because they give us some context and some things to wrap our arms around so we can be successful.

And dear listener, if by chance you're saying yes, okay, well, that's because she's more courageous than me. And that's because she's stronger than me. And that's because she's more beautiful than me. And that's because. Right. She had more support than me. And. And there's so many places that we could go there. I want you to hear me say that is not true. That is. That is so not true that what we're about to share with you, anybody can do. And it's so important that we can overcome and do difficult things. Regardless of who you are, where you are, where you come from, what you've been through, There are ways that, like Julia said, we can integrate these into our lives to help them become more of who it is we have the capacity to be. In fact, I would say as I look back over my messy, haphazard relationship experience, that that's what makes me passionate about what it is. I do that. If I can do it, so can you. If I can create an incredible relationship in my life, then so can you. Because I'm the least likely person from the get go when the gun of life went off. Right. And we're in the race to kind of like get to wherever it is we think we're going. I would have been the least likely to have what it is I get to experience every single day. And so it's not about that. It's about how it is we integrate these things that we do go through the. It's, as Julia says, I love that you call them. It's right. So let's. Let's dive into realization number one. Let's. Let's get started with the answers to these many, many questions that we ask ourselves. How do we support somebody that I love going through a difficult time? What is it I do when my partner or. Or this, my special someone doesn't know how to support me? What is it that I do to reach out, to get the help? How do I integrate these things into my life? There's so many questions around this, and I just want to give you some ease and allow you to take a breath and know that just follow along here. With realization number one through five. And we're going to find and talk about all these incredible answers to your very important and heartfelt questions. So, number one, realization number one.

Yes. It's really interesting that just last week I was speaking at a conference, and a gentleman walked up to me and he asked that exact same question. He said, haley is the love of my life, but she's struggling. She had something happen nine months ago. He said, I don't know how to help her. I don't know how to reach her. I tried tough love. I tried this. I tried everything. And he wanted to know. He said, how can I help her? And it was so powerful because when she walked up and he looked at her and recognized she had just heard the question he asked, they both leaned in. And I thought that was so beautiful that he was looking for a way to help her. And so I shared with him, I said, one of the best things you can do to help her is have a better understanding of what it is that she's experiencing. And so I shared with him the five pieces of this framework and the five realizations with them. And now they have become pen pals with me, and I'm interacting with them on a regular basis. So, I mean, this really is powerful, not only for the person that is experiencing that loss or unwanted change or messiness, but the person who loves them, that wants to support them. So the first piece of the framework is called relive. And basically the first piece is. You can think of it like a cassette tape that's play, rewind, repeat this over and over again, continuous loop. And when there's some type of loss or unwanted change or challenge in our life, that's what most of us do. We relive it in at least one of two ways. We think about it constantly, nonstop, forward and backward in this endless detail. And then some of us talk about it. So we relive it verbally, telling stories about whatever it was that happened endlessly to sometimes the same person over and over again. And what that does is it keeps us in this existing, this exhausting, dizzying loop that. That we actually then perpetuate. Because then we go down this path of asking ourselves these questions that have no answer. And they usually start with the word, why. Why me? Why now? Why this? Those don't have any answers, right? So we perpetuate, and then we become expert crystal ball readers with our what ifs and our if onlys, right? We create these different outcomes in our mind like we can read a crystal ball. Well, it's important to spend time and relive because when something happens that we didn't want to happen or some something changes that we didn't want to change, that's when our mind first starts to process and make sense of it. So we need to relive it. We have to come to terms of. We start to grasp it. But the challenge is that if we relive that and those thoughts for too long, like I relive these thoughts of this is as good as my life is going to get. This is how it's always going to be. Those thoughts become so ingrained, and we create this mental rut, this mental channel, because they're so familiar, we can get stuck there. And that's what was happening to me. Whenever something would happen, I would get just stuck reliving it. And it became so familiar and comfortable. I didn't realize that there was anything beyond that. And then reliving it, when people are around you, especially people that love you, they get uncomfortable after a period of time that you're reliving it too long. And that's when I would start to pretend and try and put on a happy face to make other people feel better. But it really only made me feel worse. So the realization in the piece of the framework for relive is that my timeline and my process has to be my own. And putting myself first isn't selfish, it's survival.

So true. And. And as people are trying to support us with this relive component of ourselves, I just want to point out that we all have this wonderful, beautiful navigation system that consists of my physical experience and my emotional experience, my physical body, my emotional body. And there is a point in time where we become uncomfortable with reliving things again and again and again for our loved ones because we know it's not taking them anywhere good, but we don't know what else to do instead, right? And so we try and take it for a while, right? We try and, like, grit it out, as I say. And then there comes a point in time where we start to do one of two things. We're going to push them away or we're going to just walk away and shut the door because we don't know what else to do. Both of which leaves our lover, our person, our child, our business partner, whatever the relationship is, even with ourselves in this place of okay, now what?

So let me just ask what. Let's say I'm. I am. Stacy's reliving something. And we've relived this quite A few.

And I can be quite obsessive.

Just so you know, what would be something on as a supportive, you know, you know, spouse, whatever, partner. Julie, what. What could I say? Like, could we move on now? I mean, what. What would.

How.

How would we might integrate, you know, that piece of this reliving? Like, let's. Could we move on now?

And I would say that that would not be my first suggestion, because when you're reliving something, it's really real, it's really emotional, you're really passionate about it, and it's hard to see anything beyond that. And that was where I got stuck. And I would say, as a partner, lean into that and ask those questions about reliving it. And what is it that is so powerful? So that it's more of a let, let them relive it, and you get to relive it with them. And I recognize that at some point in time, it can be a challenge. But that really brings us to the second piece of the framework. To be able to know that there's something beyond reliving it, even though you can't see it. Right. Then I do want to.

I do want to just highlight something here before we go to the second one, though. That the reason why people obsess and want to relive it again and again and again as they're doing their best to digest it down, make sense of what's happened.

That's right.

So that they can take what they need and let the rest go. We just don't realize that that's what we're trying to do. Like, I'm still hung up on this one piece because it doesn't make any sense to me. I don't understand it for myself. And I keep reliving it and obsessing about it because I'm trying to really digest it down, take what I need and let the rest go. And until I get that piece or that answer that I just feel like is going to make the difference in my understanding or my experience, I have a really difficult time letting it go.

Yes.

Right. So sometimes just being with us, right. We don't realize that maybe one of the most supporting things we can do, if I'm in a place where somebody is reliving something over and over and over again, I can just, like, listen, I don't have to fix it. I don't have to do anything. Because the process of them talking about it or reliving it one more time. Right. Helps them digest it down. And you can say, tell me More about this, Help me understand. More about that. Help me understand why this is so challenging. What are you hoping to get out of this? These are all really great questions that as the support person to somebody who's in relive. Right. This would be helpful. And then what is it going to take when you solve this? Don't forget to go there, which I'm sure is going to take us to number two. Right. There was a mom who was recently in my. A private client of mine saying, I am so sick and tired of hearing my son talk about this thing. He's going to create this truck and all the colors and what it's going to look like. And. Right. And I says, gosh, that's going to help him when he obtains that feel like he has confidence, he has attraction, he. He's somebody. He's accomplished something. That's what he's after. Ask him what he's going to do once he receives the truck. Once you receive the answer, once you know where you're going to go next, once you come up with the answer that you're searching for here, where's that going to take you? And then that helps us think beyond relive. Like, oh, so let's just pretend for a moment that you have the answer that you're trying to get out of obsessing about this and reliving this over and over. Let's just say, you know, for fun, that you've obtained that answer. What next?

Yes. Yeah. And I think that that's the most important thing is to know that there is something after that. Right. That there is something more. And the interesting thing is the more significant the loss or the challenge of the change, the longer someone relives it.

Sure.

And so literally, I mean, and I could put it in the context of when you get cut off on the freeway, you relive that, too. You'll tell how many people when you finally get to where you're going. I can't believe this person cut me off. Right. As long. So. So this framework works for everything. Not just the big things. It works literally for everything. I mean, when I shrunk my sweater to a size I haven't worn since I was five years old, I had to relive that, too. It's like, oh, sweater. So, I mean, this is for. This is for all of those across the board. But the second piece of the framework is reflect. Because when something happens that we don't want to happen or we don't, it's unexpected for us. Our thought Usually is instantly worst case scenario. And it doesn't matter what it is. When my boss wants to meet with me late on a Friday afternoon, my first thought is not, this is good news, I'm getting a promotion. Or if my daughter is two hours late coming home and I haven't heard from her, I'm not thinking she's fine, she just forgot. My worst case scenario is no, she's in a ditch somewhere. Right. Well, the challenge is as human beings, we're all hardwired for that negative bias thinking and we don't even recognize it because it happens without any conscious thought or any active part on our own. But that negative bias thoughts, if we never challenge or question those or even think about it, that's where we'll stay. Which is why we get stuck in that relationship live and, and our mind does that intentionally. Right? That was. We were hardwired that way for survival thousands of years ago. But our environment has changed, so we don't need that survival mechanism like that anymore, but our hard wiring hasn't. So in the piece of the framework for Reflect, it's literally consciously taking a step back and saying, is there any other way to consider this, any possible other way to look at it? Well, that's really hard for me because I can be stubborn and I can dig in and I can hold on tight. And I'm the type person that I will even look for things to prove myself right. That, that proves. So looking at that from a different angle, one of the best examples that hit me, I'm from the Show Me state, I'm from Missouri, so I have to see something for myself to believe it. It's hard for me to just take somebody else's word for it. One of the best examples that hit me when I was thinking about this framework is writing the number six on a piece of paper and sliding it across a table and ask someone else what they saw. My six was their nine. So the powerful realization in the piece of the framework of Reflect is there's more than one true or right way to see the exact same thing. Other ways are just beyond what we currently believe. That opens up a whole realm of possibilities to be able to say there are more ways that are just as true or just as right. What are those? And will those serve my purpose better? What is my purpose? What am I trying to do right? And if I'm trying to move forward, if I'm trying to process it, if I'm trying to learn something from it, what other ways can I look at this what other ways can I see it?

I love that because, you know, one of the principles that we teach is we learn by contrast of our experiences. Something along the lines of, that was something that was really hard, and this is something that works for me. That's. That's an example of contrast. Or, I don't want to ever do that again. I don't ever want to have to go through that again. So what do I want to go through? What. What is it I want to create? What are the moments that make my toes tingles as we say? Yeah, and I think it's important in regards to. What you're saying in regards to number two, is when we reflect about it and challenge ourselves in regards to the many ways that we can actually. Actually think about what's happened to us. There's a profound quote, and I don't know who it's by, but I. I'm gonna say it anyway. It's not mine. There's a profound quote that says, when we can find the gratitude in regards to whatever challenge has come our way, we now own it. We are the master of it, instead of it being the master of us, that there's always a silver lining or a piece of good news, up to and including, yes, even the most challenging of circumstances and situations that we can find ourselves in. And I know when we're going through it, we don't want to hear that. It's like, oh, please, whatever. You don't know what I'm going through. But as we reflect in this position of number two, then maybe is the time to say, okay, what about this? Right, Is serving me. What about this Helps me understand things in my future, you know, places I don't want to go, situations I don't ever want to be in, and things that I do now want to create that become more important and valuable to me because. Because of this experience.

And you wouldn't have had that without it. And that's the irony of this, is that we don't want to go through these things, but when we do and we get something positive and productive out of it, we have something we could have never gotten without it. And that's where that strength comes from. That's where that determination, that courage, and I mean, if people would have seen me back at 18 years old, they would never think, oh, she. She was the confident person. That's why it worked for her. Not even close. In fact, I was the exact opposite. And it's hard for people to recognize that this is the result of lots of it's. In my life and being able to use this framework and these realizations to my advantage, knowing, you know, as Tom said, the stuff's going to happen. It just does. It's how we process it that makes the difference in our life and what we can learn from it.

And unless I told you, the thing that motivates me about teaching relationships and helping people value them as a very critically important part of their lives comes from losing my dad at the age of seven. Like that is my driver. I realized at a very young age that that's the stuff that matters. There was nothing else I wanted. Is that casket lid shut.

Right.

So then there was this realization that relationships. Wow, okay. They're pretty important. Right. And that loss is what drives me. And we wouldn't. We wouldn't think about that as being the driver for our lives, but those are where they come from. They come from very challenging impact. Right. Rough spots.

Absolutely. It's interesting, Stacy, when you say that one of the thoughts that I had in the car and I was unconscious, I don't know how long, but one of the vivid memories I have as unconscious was pictures of faces of people flashing through my mind. And the one thing they all had in common was that I really cared about them. I loved them. But I never took the time to tell them, because at 18, you're supposed to hide and play with your emotions. You're not supposed to say anything. And I remember having the thought, I'm dead, but if I would have lived, I would change that. That's what has driven me to do everything I've done, to now pivot to say, can I share this message, what I discovered, what I learned with the world to make a difference in their life. Because I want to let people know there is more, there is better, and it is possible, and you have it within you. Because if I can do it. A little backwards girl from Missouri. Right. With. No. I mean, I. I didn't have any help. My dad was in the Marine Corps, enlisted. He didn't graduate from high school. My mom was a secretary. This. This was not where I had professionals that were helping me or. Right. I mean, this is literally coming from this driving piece of, if I would have lived, I would change that.

And me, too. A little backward girl from Utah who knew nothing about life and relationships.

Exactly. Exactly.

So tell us what number three is.

Yes. So the third piece of the framework is actually called reframe. And you can think about it like this. When. When an artist finishes their masterpiece, they spend a lot of time Choosing a frame to go around it because they know how impactful that frame is to how we're going to see and feel about their picture. And it's amazing. You can even look at your own house pictures that have a frame, how that makes you feel. Well, one of the challenges when a loss happens is that right now, conventional wisdom at least had convinced me that this loss or this change that happened and these feelings that I have about it are one in the same, that they're a package deal and they can't be separated because this happened, I'm always going to feel this way. Well, what I learned is that that's not true. There's actually a theory called the framing theory which says how information is presented to an audience impacts the way they process that information. And that theory is used by companies all the time to influence us to buy their product or service. And media uses that theory to influence us on our views and beliefs. I discovered that we can actually use that same theory for the loss or change in our life because we can start thinking about our loss or our challenge in our change as like a picture, a snapshot in time that can never change it's history and the frame around it, like our thoughts and our beliefs. Like, my life is ruined. This is terrible. I feel awful. This is as good as my life will get. Well, the interesting thing is that frame got put around that snapshot in time, back in reflect and in relive before I ever knew it. And those thoughts and beliefs, there are others that could be just as true or just as right. And if I change the frame around that loss, like, maybe there's something I can learn, maybe there's something I can use, maybe there's something I can share with someone else to help them. All of a sudden I recognize I've been putting these awful frames around every loss or challenge or unwanted change, and they made me feel awful. But there were other frames that would make me feel better and hopeful and purposeful. Well, if one makes me feel so bad and another one is just as true or right, makes me feel better, why would I choose the one that makes me feel awful? So the powerful realization in the third piece of the framework of reframe is when you change the frame around it, you change. The cool thing is you actually start to change at the core. Because every time you reframe something, you start to rewire your brain a little farther away from that automatic negative bias thinking. And you can do it faster and faster each time.

That's wonderful. And there's this wonderful thing called our reticular activator, that when I'm looking for something to validate what I'm reframing, I will find it. I will find it. I will find it again and again.

I think the best demonstration of that or confirmation, I would say, is like whether maybe you buy a new car or one of your close friends buys a new car, and you say, my gosh, I've never seen that car before. And then guess what happens after you have an experience with that car. Yeah, everywhere.

So what you're saying is if we buy that convertible Lexus, when we start driving it, I'm going to see them everywhere? Is that what you're saying?

Absolutely. It reminds me a wonderful quote by Wayne Dyer. You know, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Well said. So what's number four? We're reframing now. Relive, reflect, reframe. I love that picture idea, by the way. We can't change the picture. We can certainly change the frame around it. And if one makes you feel good and one makes you feel awful, well, then we're going to hope that you're going to go with the one that.

Makes you feel good.

And it's pretty powerful to recognize that you do have the ability to change the frame because the brain got put there initially without any thought at all. And it is really, really powerful that changing that frame is probably one of the most powerful things in every aspect of your life. Because we just automatically go. We go to that negative thinking. Even when somebody passes us on the street and doesn't say hello, we can instantly make up. Right. We all have degrees in MSU making stuff up. What they were thinking, what they were going to say, why they didn't say anything. Right? And that's the same thing. We put a frame around that snapshot. If somebody didn't acknowledge me on the sidewalk or any other circumst. So the fourth piece of the framework is actually called Reconnect. So when. When you look at. When a loss happens, the instant reaction usually that we have is to withdraw and isolate and think about. Think about when you leave your cell phone at home and you recognize you don't have it, one of the first things we do is turn around and go back and get it. Because we don't want to be disconnected. Because at our core, we are all hardwired to want to be needed, to belong, and to be connected. And I noticed that when something happens that I don't want to happen, I Innately do the exact opposite of what I want and need. And I withdrawn, isolate myself, and I either don't talk, I don't go out. And I realized that isolating myself and disconnecting made me feel worse. It actually withdrew me from everything such that I continued to perpetuate those same awful feelings because I was disconnected. And the interesting thing is I didn't realize it until I started to look back that I had disconnected mentally because I was churning. I disconnected physically by withdrawing and I disconnected emotionally. I didn't want anything around me to. And the realization in Reconnect is that we are not alone. In order to do more than just fog a mirror and exist, we need life in our life. And Reconnect starts to look at that. How do we put life back in our life and living it as opposed to just existing, fogging the mirror. And I mean, I think about times where I get in an argument and what do I do? I instantly withdraw and disconnect. Well, that's not really what I want. What I want at the end of the day is to be back together with that warm, wonderful, fuzzy feelings. But that can't happen as I stay isolated and I disconnect and I'm just fogging a mirror, passing time, not being alone and being able to identify. In order to do more than just exist, I need life in my life. And that's.

I love the life in your life. And. And we don't often realize that. It's the ecosystem, experiences and thoughts and engagements of others that stir up my possibilities, that help me see myself as well as inspire me to go and do things maybe in a little different way, because we do learn by those principles.

And I would just add that that's, you know, what you show so wonderfully shared Julia, is, you know, that's the number four is, you know, we need life in our life. That's a time where it does take courage to ask and advocate for ourselves. And then we talk a lot about that with our private clients. And that is something we don't know how to do, you know, I mean, so. And it's counterintuitive, like you said, we typically, most of us will pull back. We'll go into our own cocoon and think that that's how we're going to get well.

And we do that because we don't know what else to do exactly.

And it's innately the exact opposite of what we want to need, but that's what we do. And I mean, it's kind of this interesting Thing, because when, when a loss or a change happens, lots of things domino with that. But the one thing that does not ever change is our need to be needed, to be wanted, to belong, to be connected. That never changes, even though we do the exact opposite. And it looks like it, but that just makes us feel worse.

It's so true. It's so true. So what's number five?

Number five is release. But this is not where I say let it go. Absolutely. You can't let a loss or a challenge go. It will always be a part of you, right? But what you can do is recognize that as human beings, we have this strong need for control. And it starts at a really young age. I mean, I like to look at little kids who refuse to eat something, right? I mean, I mean, it's unbelievable. You can't force them. It's impossible. I mean, my daughter, for my daughter, was lime and beans and peas. If I would have hung on to that, she'd still be sitting there 30 plus years later with those beans, petrified. That need for control gets stronger as we get older, right? And for me, what I recognize, like for instance, the car accident, in a split second, I had this overwhelming sense of a loss of control of everything all at once. And I needed control over something. I mean, I had control over very little. I couldn't control where I went, what I did, what I wore, what I ate, just because of my injuries. And so I recognized that what I really had some control over was my mind. But I'd done a really good job of using it against myself with all those what ifs and if onlys, right? Creating all of these different outcomes that convinced myself that I could or should have been able to change or prevent what happened. So the powerful piece in re and release is recognizing that as long as I hold on to an illusion of control of an outcome, that illusion has control over me. And the reality. It is. The reality is one of the things we have the least control over is an outcome when there's at least one other person involved. And when we hold on to that illusion of control of an outcome, it's mental and emotionally draining. And so that the realization in release is letting go of the illusion of control of an outcome set you free from that guilt or that blame or that responsibility. And it gives you back that bandwidth and that energy to focus on things that you can control and change in the future.

Isn't that a fascinating thing though? If we would, that drive to control is in and of itself a survival skill, which is driving Us back to realizing we have control, to let it go, to release it, that it doesn't have to be a certain way, that you've got everything that you need right there inside of you. Go and see what that is. Right. What is it in the. All of these fives? Relive, reflection, reframe, reconnect and release the outcome. You have everything that you need in order to navigate through a very challenging time.

Absolutely. And I want to make sure and point out that this is not. This framework is not a checklist, and there's no specific order or timeline. I mean, I bounce around in and out of them. And I can be in more than one frame at the same time. So this is certainly not. And to this day, clearly, I can talk about my car accident. That's a form of relive. But the difference is, with this framework, I don't stay there anymore, and I don't stay in those. In those negative feelings. I reframed it to the point where I can say, I can share this with somebody. So I can't let go of my. It. I can't let go of my loss. It will always be with me. But what I can let go of is the illusion of control that I could have changed something someone else did or someone else said or something else. And I can let go of those feelings that are holding me back and release what is not serving me. So I use this mantra, stop, start, continue. And I look at it in release and say, what do I need to stop doing that's not helping me get where I want to go? If I want a closer relationship with someone, I need to stop holding all of this stuff in my head and repeating it and replaying it over and over again. Right. If I want to continue this relationship the way it is, I should continue what I'm doing that's getting that. And are there things I can start doing that might enhance that? And so I use kind of that stop, start, continue in every area. And it's very powerful because you can realize what's not serving me. It's not helping me get to where I want to go. And in fact, it's inhibiting me and holding me back.

It's so true. Start and stop is really all we have, Julia. We've got to say goodbye, unfortunately. But I love what you've said and so many profound things. I know our listeners are going to have an incredible lot of things to consider and think about as they listen to listen to our conversation today. Thank you so much for being here and for the courageous journey that you've lived and for putting these five things together that we can all benefit from. It's been a wonderful conversation with you today.

Thank you so much. Stacy, Tom, thank you for giving me the opportunity. I really appreciate, I love what you guys are doing. You know, keep going. There are so many people that need what you have to share and so thank you for allowing me to be a part of it. I really appreciate it.

And share with us. You know, Julie, where can people find more about you and your awesome body of work?

Oh, thank you so much. Actually, my website would probably be the, the best place it had. My website is julianicholson presents.com and my book that's coming out though literally the title is called It Happened now what Five Realizations.

I love that. I can't wait to read it.

And one parting advice. Let's say we have a, you know, after someone has listened to this and you know they're totally resonating but they have a partner who is not supportive of them going through a difficult it. What would you share in your parting piece of advice to what would you share to, to them and their, their non supportive partner?

Absolutely. Now is this if the non supportive partner or this is the person who.

Has experienced the challenge, the non supportive.

Partner, the non, the non supportive partner. I would suggest if they can understand the framework, they'll be better equipped to understand, understand what the person they love is going through. And it doesn't require any change on their part. It only requires an understanding. And I think so many times when we're going through something, we're not expecting someone to fix it. We just want somebody to be with us, to just be there by our side. You don't have the right words to say. You don't have the right things to do. You can just sit and I like to call it being in the state of be. Just let me be where I am and how I am, recognizing that there's value in that.

That's beautiful. When your book's ready to come out, we're going to have you come back on and we'll talk about this in more depth.

I appreciate that. Absolutely. Thank you so much. Thank you. Appreciate the time.

We're going to have a little bit of follow the fun today. We don't want to miss that opportunity to have a little bit of fun. And it kind of coincides with what it is we're talking about because oftentimes when we're going through a really challenging time, we forget to look at our Past achievements and celebrate things that we've created and experiences. Experience both in our individual lives as well as in our relationships.

So going through, using Julie's language, going through a difficult it, if you will, we can always take some time. What Stacy likes to remind me is we can put that on that proverbial shelf. It's not going anywhere because if we wait till everything is perfect and right, guess what, we're not going to have much novelty and play in our lives. And that's why we are so emphatic and why we always try to include a Follow the fun in every episode.

Yeah, well, and the thing is too is there's always more to do, more challenges to digest more things, more it's coming at us if we don't take a pause to kind of celebrate our achievements and to look back, it feels like we haven't made any at all. And it's funny thing, as human beings, we tend to overlook them and not give ourselves any credit for them. So this was an incredible exercise as I was going through an integrated art workshop. And so I want to share it with you today as our Follow the Fun. And I want you to take an 8 1/2 by 11 sheet of paper.

If you're watching this, you can see this. If you're listening to Stacy's holding up a piece of paper and it's separated into four quadrants.

I've just simply folded it in half and folded it in half again and now I have four quadrants and we can do this as an individual. So I could take the years that I am old and I could divide that by four quadrants, or I could take the years that I've been in relationship with this incredible person and I could use that as the relationship journey and giving myself credit for what our relationship has been. In fact, I'm going to focus on that one first and then you'll understand and see how to use it as an individual experience. So as I fold this piece of paper into four quadrants, I take our year. So for example, Tom and I have been together 12 years. I'm going to divide that by four and by four. That means years one through three would be in the first quadrant, four through six would be in the second, and so on and so on to the accumulation of our 12 years together. And then I'm going to think about the achievements and the celebrations that happened in our first one through four years. Right. Like what are some of the things that we did and, and we can dialogue about these, which is very, very powerful. But in this exercise, I would encourage you to draw it. There's something that happens to our brains when we go there. And so this is an incredibly powerful tool where not only can I use the art, but I can use the words to help me see and understand what it is I can celebrate and what has happened as an achievement in our relationships. As we wrap up here, the song that we want to share with you today for our episode, which we do every single week. It's Pink's song, and it's called Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken to remind you that as we go through difficult, challenging things, things, our hearts can never be broken. They're more resilient than you think. Thanks so much for being here with us today. It's been a pleasure. Have a wonderful week. We look forward to being back here with you again. And I guess that's it. Say goodbye.

We'll see you soon.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.