#59: How to Survive the Holidays: Tips and Tricks for Couples

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationships. If by chance you're struggling with your special someone or struggling with the concept of relationships, this show is dedicated to helping couples rescue their relationships. I'm Stacy Bartley and I'm here with my co host and lover, Tom. Together for the past decade, we've been loving and teaching people from around the world and we're trying to create the inspiration of creating love for a lifetime. It is possible for all of us and we do this work by teaching you sound principles and skills that you can use in your relationship right now.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for joining us. Always great to have you with us. If you're joining us in the usa, it's a happy Thanksgiving. And if you're outside the usa, that's all good too. But we are starting to step into what all of us, most of us, I would say are among good percentage of us are the holiday season of some sort, whatever your tradition or belief is. And that's what we're all about today. So again, thank you for having, you know, spending some time, you know, with us. And we always do our best to have it be a relevant and good time to spend a few months.

Well, hell, Tommy, I mean, you know, this is, this is a kind of a conversation for connection question. How do you feel about the holidays? Like, what comes up for you when we talk about holidays?

No, I like the holidays. I mean, they're busy. We've got a lot of moving parts, you know, a lot of family. But no, I.

You don't take a big breath and.

Go, you know, some of that too.

You know, the only reason why I bring that up is because I do know that in your closet you have a grunt shirt.

In fact, I was thinking about wearing it today, but we decided not to. But no, you know, I mean, again, I think if we can thread it through the. The place that, that makes the most sense for you and not get caught up in all the other, you know, busyness and intensity, that's where I do best.

Well, so speaking of the holidays, the holidays are here we are on the prepatus of Thanksgiving here in the States, as Tom had mentioned, as well as stepping in through Christmas. That rings throughout or whatever it is, you know, Hanukkah and it's that time of year that we usually spend the Most time with our family. But that doesn't always mean that that's easy. And, you know, we've had a couple of years of a break, you know, with COVID when we've had this wonderful excuse of, oh, gosh, I can't make it, you know, see you next year, I hope. I miss you. I love you. And what I want to point out here is we miss and love our people. And then there's things that people do that sometimes make us or bring up some things with inside of us and make it difficult for us to want to go home or spend extended periods of time there. And I just. If you feel that way around the holiday season, if there's some anxiety that goes off for you, if you by chance feel this flip in your stomach or your armpits getting a little sweaty, you're normal. It's very normal. It's a lot of experiences for most of us human beings worldwide, I assure you. And so today we really wanted to dive in and give you a workshop. Literally, like, get your paper, get your pen. We are going to give you some really great stuff that we teach our clients. They pay really good money for this. And Tom says, honey, you think, you think this is too heavy? You think it's too deep? And I'm like, no, I think our listeners are ready and can handle this. So this episode is all about how we survive the holidays. And here in the love shack, we're going to have a very candid conversation around splitting time between families, setting boundaries and interacting with family members that you have difficulty or differing views. And you're thinking about maybe going home and spending some time there because it is that time of year and you're just not quite sure how this is going to go or how to navigate it in the very best way possible. We, we know that being around family can bring up some childhood stuff. It can bring up like, past relationship stuff. So this episode is dedicated to all of us making it okay to not follow the rules and not need anyone's approval to create for yourselves and the people that you love the most a very joyful holiday season. So grab a beverage or two and join us right back here in a couple of minutes. We're going to take a break and we'll be right back.

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Welcome back. We're Tom and Stacey Bartley, host of Love Shack Live. Great to have you with us along with our engineer, Eric Rider. You know, and again, happy Thanksgiving if you're joining us in the United States. Otherwise, happy, happy day wherever you're at. How about that? We're going to jump right into the heart of the matter. We've got a lot to uncover. So again, this might, it's not heavy, but it's going to be hopefully very, very helpful because we know by working with our clients that holidays don't always bring up what the movies and social media like to share with us.

That's so true. And we wanted to give you some super tips and actually a really powerful framework so that you can walk into any setting, anywhere, anytime, any place and you know that it's going to go well. Wow.

I know. Say that one more time. That's the guarantee of this episode.

Yeah. You can step in anywhere with anyone, anytime, any place and you know and can ensure that it's going to go well.

Big promise. And we're going to do everything we can to deliver on that promise.

I'm going to start this by sharing with you that even though I'm a relationship integrative relationship therapist for couples and a divorce mediator and have done a lot of study on the interdynamics of relationships and sexuality. I personally have a very difficult stepfather who has passed now, but going home for the holidays for me used to bring up a tremendous amount of anxiety for me. Like I would start to get hot and sweaty several days, if not weeks before thinking that I'm going to have to figure out how to dance with this person in my life. He and my mom came together when I was in my teenage years when. And he and I didn't do so well. I didn't believe in a lot of his tactics for navigating difficulty in households. He had shown me things that I had never seen growing up in my home with my father, who passed away when I was really young. And then I spent 10 years with my mom and I didn't see my brothers or anyone interact in a way that was so manipulative or conniving or physically threatening. Right. And so when he and my mom moved in after he and my mother married, I would call him out and in my 16 year old, not so great way, had no skills, had no tactics, had no ability to really say, right, let me help me understand why you're doing this. I would attack and this would put my mom in the middle. And as the years progressed with us, he and my mom were totally together for total years of 40 years. So this was a huge presence in my life for a very long time. He made it very clear that I was not welcome in the house and that my presence wasn't welcome in the house. And yet I had a very close and loving relationship with my mother. And so I was put in this position where I wanted to come home for the holidays, but I didn't want to have to deal with him. And so it brought up a lot of difficulty throughout the years that I thankfully, as I learned and grew, got better and better and better at navigating to the point where he and I could have more candid conversations and had a greater respect for each other than for the rest of my siblings, which is interesting. And this is how I got there. What I'm going to teach you today is how it is. I can walk into any place, with anyone, anywhere, regardless of what our history is. And that we can ensure that it's going to go well, not only for ourselves, but for the group that we are with. And this is the situation that we find ourselves in this holiday season, right, where we're going home to be with loved ones. And there may be that one person, right, or group of people that we have to find a way to navigate through, but that we know, brings up a lot of interesting feelings and emotions and insecurities.

And I might just add that, you know, because of COVID you know, it may be. It may have been, you know, you may skip the season or two, so there may have been even more time away from that Kind of usual tradition that you dreaded. Now there's, you know, been a couple years, because for some people, Covid was a relief because they didn't have to do what they don't really like doing. So I would sense that just going to add more intensity around or dread around. Oh, my gosh. So again, this is designed to really, really give you actionable frameworks and tools that you can bring to this dreaded or dreaded situation.

Yes, well. And it may not even be as severe or. Or. Or as dramatic as what I'm talking about. Um, just somebody that maybe rubs you the wrong way is push would be applicable.

Dang button that always gets pushed, you know, in the right place for all of us. We all have that button. I do, too.

Well said. Well said. Who? Like that would be bad for me to say, honey. Anyway, let's start with some understanding, because this was key when I started to understand psychology. It's important for us to understand that everybody, as a human being has an internal movie that's running. And this internal movie is very unique to us. It is individualized. And there's an internal movie that happens or an internal dialogue we could say, that happens for every single one of us that nobody else is privy to. And this used to really hang me up because I would think, why would he do this? I'm trying to be so nice, you know, I'd bring him cookies. I'd try and make sure I celebrated happy Father's Day and his birthday. And. And yet, here I am. I show up at the house, and he doesn't greet me at the door. He won't say hello. He rolls his eyes. He dismisses me in the room. He walks out of the room, right? He makes some snide remark, and there I am, right back in this place where it's like, man, what the heck? I don't get it. And the first thing that I want you to understand is this movie principle is a movie theater that is very unique to you. And I want you to imagine for a moment that you're sitting in that movie theater all alone, and this movie that plays out for you makes sense for you. Everything that happens inside of that movie, all the past, present, and future things make sense to you, but outside of yourself, it won't make any sense. So what I'm bringing up here is for Stan, the way he treated me made all the sense in the world to him. He understood why he was doing it. He understood, and heaven only knows, the stories that he was making up is about why He. He felt entitled to do this for me. I didn't have access to that movie. All I saw was the behavior that was playing off of what he believed to be true. And then my movie would start to play, and my movie would say things that would try and, you know, create this desire in me to shut him down, to point out all the places where he was doing it wrong or all the ways that he was being rude or unkind, or all the many ways that he made me feel uncomfortable in the household. And for many years, this is what played out between us. And inevitably, I would leave with my feelings hurt and my mom feeling like she was stuck in the middle and. And my mom really feeling and suffering a lot of emotional grief about what was playing out between the two of us.

So would you say it's fair to say that we think that everyone, or at least a good percentage of people are also at our same movie when in reality no one is at our movie but ourselves?

Exactly. Exactly. So with that in mind, here's two tips to create success, and then I'm going to give you the how to. Okay. You need to understand that success in navigating these situations is not hinged upon what. What the other person does or does not do.

That's big.

That is big.

Make sure we get our arms around.

That one, because what they do or do not do is not in your control. Remember me talking about that movie just a few minutes ago? Your success actually lies in you holding yourself to a chosen standard on the front side that you feel good about and not allowing yourself to cross a line or a boundary that we set for ourselves. And that's really big. And that's what we want to do in the how to is we want to set you up in a place where you know that you can navigate your way through this however it rolls. And we need to do this on the front side because if we don't and understand the movie that, hey, they're going to do some things and say some things, and when they do that, really it's about what's going on inside of them. It has nothing to do with you. What does have everything to do with you is how you're going to handle what comes up for you when. When they do that.

And would you say most of us spend time on trying to make the person understand why their movie is off rather than navigating like our own movie? Our own movie.

Exactly. Again, I'm going to say this success in these environments is not hinged upon what they do or do not do. Your success is holding yourself to a pre chosen standard that you feel good.

About and you get. And again, the pre. Pre chosen is important because let's just be honest, when all of us get triggered, if we don't have some time and preparation ahead of that, that point or points of trigger, most likely all that's going to get thrown out the window because we're not going to have the practice and the ability and resilience to respond in the way that we've pre chosen.

Yeah, it's not going to go well.

Not going to go well.

It's absolutely not going to go well. So that's for success. That's number one. I only have two. Number one is right. Your success does not hinge on what they do or don't do. Number two, your success will depend on your ability to not allow you self to. Don't take your emotions out on anybody. If you need to exercise or excuse yourself, please do so. Exercise the right to excuse yourself, then please do so. Don't take your emotions out on anybody. That's rule number two and that is a boundary and a line that you draw on the sand for yourself, for nobody else but you. If you need to excuse yourself, take time out. This is typically the best option for us when we feel like we're flooded with emotions. So number one, don't expect that the success is going to lie in their ballpark with inside of themselves. Inside of a movie you have no access to. Number two, you hold yourself to a standard and you don't get to take your emotions out on anybody. This is something that you're going to need to navigate on your own. And now let's give you the how to.

Well, I would just let me. I would add the. To me that's like really good news because there's not. There's not. There's only two things that we need to, you know, get good at and navigate most of the time there's so many moving parts in these types of dynamics that that's why they're so difficult. But what I love, what Stacy's put together for us is there's only two things. And if we can really just stay rooted in those two things, it's going to go well because we're going to give you an option. If it's not, then you're just going to choose to remove. You're going to exercise your right to remove yourself.

Absolutely. So those are the two principles and the movies, the understanding. This movie is unique to each and every One of us. We don't have access to anybody's movie, but I do have access to my own, which is where I need to focus my attention. Right. And for success, it doesn't really matter what they do. I'm not saying it's okay. I'm not saying. Right. It's gonna. It's gonna be in the best interest of everybody. But how I respond to that is everything. And so let's talk about the how to. How do you get yourself to a place where you can actually honor that boundary that you're choosing into for yourself? And that's the first step. Why are you going home for the holidays? The first step is choosing in. Because if I can't choose in and I'm going from a place of obligation, well, you're already stepping out on the wrong foot. It's already not going to go well. Why? Because when we feel like we're coming from a place of obligation, we're going to brace ourselves, right? We're going to be sensitive, we're already going to be defensive, and we haven't even shown up yet. And that's what I used to do, man. I used to brace myself from whatever offhanded candid comment he was going to make when I walked in the door, and I would sit and I would preconceive my fire back.

Well, and I would just add that. And you correct me if I'm wrong, babe. There's a difference between, you know, obligation and. And versus. You know, it may be difficult, you know, but you're, you know, if you're wanting to go because you care and love the people that are there, that's a different story. And, you know, there's some difficulty there. That's why it's important to. To skill up, you know, raise your game.

Not again.

We're not dismissing that. There isn't going to be some difficulties there. But obligation, as they shared the obligation, takes us nowhere. But you're just going to be a grumpy old person. You know, that isn't very, very. It's probably not going to go well if you're coming from that premise.

Well. And if we feel one way and do another, this creates a tremendous amount of internal conflict in all of us as human beings inside of you. So now you're definitely going to show up as a hot mess. It's a setup for failure. So we need to get you on the same page with yourself. How we do this is to look at this, why am I going home for the holidays?

So why did you Again, share. Why did you want to go even though you knew you were going to bang heads with Stan?

Well, let's. Let's talk about first, where it is we typically go. Where we typically go is I'm going to go because, well, my, my spouse isn't going to be real happy if I don't. Right. So I guess I'm just going to grind it out, you know, and deal with Uncle Freddy or, you know, Mr. Ernie or Aunt Betty or the step, you know, the step family or the in laws, you know. So let's just brace ourselves, make the best of it. We're going to grind it out. That's where most of us go from, a place of obligation. Right? You'd better come home with me this year. You didn't the last two. I get it now. If we were to reframe this so that you could truly choose in, you would say, why are you really going? You're going because you love the person you're with and you want your relationship to be as good as possible. And that's a really great reason to choose in. And choosing in. Right. It doesn't change anything, but it changes everything in regards to the way you hold it. So I'm actually going because I love my spouse. I'm going because I want to create a good experience for my kids. I'm going because I want to reconnect with my siblings who I haven't seen in a long time. And that was a big one for me. I would think about choosing in. Why do I want to go? Oh, I'm going to have to get through this guy. Yeah, I get it. But I love my mom and I want my mom to know that I'm thinking of her and that I want to celebrate the holidays and I want to go down memory lane with her about the many wonderful experiences that I have personally experienced with her and my siblings throughout the years. That's a good reason to go. I would also want to connect and reconnect with my brothers and sister, and that was a good reason to go. I also wanted my kids to connect with their cousins that I knew were going to be there as a result of being there with my siblings. That was another good reason to go. And so we want to find these places where we can honestly choose in. If nothing else, it's for the food, perhaps, right? It's for the laughter. Or how about standing inside of the back of the room and watching what plays out and seeing what you can learn about human behavior, family dynamics, and interactions with others.

And, you know, you know, if it's, say it's your spouse's, you know, family that you're going to this gathering, and it's always been difficult for you, again, in our body of work, you know, remember, it's important for us to understand our needs and wants, but also our partner's needs and wants have to be equally as important. Not, you know, more important or not less important, but equally as important. So as Stacy shared, I mean, I think that's one thing we both do really well with each other, is we know these places that mean a lot to each of us, and we will do our best to support each part, each of us in, you know, in experiencing those to the best of our ability.

Yeah. A wonderful example is, is a couple of years ago when we all got together for Thanksgiving and we rented a big house and all eight of our children came for the week of Thanksgiving, and we were all in one house. And it was the first time Tom and I had done this with everyone. And that's a big brew. So we have eight children and 13 grandchildren. Well, I guess 12 at the time because number 13 is on the way. And. And then of course, their respective spouses, they're not all married, but there are a handful of, of wonderful spouses that join us for this experience as well. And I am more of. I want to be in the middle of it. Right. It's going to go all night. I'm pulling out another game and another cheese ball and playing the music. And Tom, at some point in time, just because of how he operates, he gets tired. He needs to retreat for a minute to recharge. He's more of an introvert in this way. And so there would be times where he would have to say, hey, I got to tap out. I'm going to, I'm going to retreat. And it used to be early on in our relationship, I'd go, what? That's. That's crazy. But again, back to that movie principle. We need to understand that that's okay if he recharges. It doesn't mean that he doesn't like being here, that he doesn't like the kids or doesn't like the environment. He himself just needs to do a bit of self care. And I think we need to be more mindful of that for ourselves and for our partners. When we're navigating these difficult things, it's okay for us to take a break. It's okay for us to say, hey, I just need to do something a little different. Then I'll be back in a minute. And. And we fail to have those kinds of conversations, which makes it difficult. So choosing in is where we want to go here and where I want to focus you back on in this conversation. We want to choose in from a place of what are you going to get out of it? Why are you going? And listen, if you're going to say, it's because I don't want the family talking about me behind my back. So I want to make sure that they. Right, I hear everything that they're saying. That's not a good reason to go home. They're going to be doing that whether you're there or you're not. Right. If you have a family that talks about you behind your back, they're going to be talking about you whether you go home or not. So give me another one. Give me another reason why it is you would want to go home. And I want to focus and have you steer to the place of where do you care? Where do you love where? What is it that you're wanting to experience in this place? So choose in, because it's going to change how you show up. More importantly, that's why this is the first step and very important. And then next, we want to start exploring your expectations. So if I say, okay, I'm choosing in, I'm going to go home, I'm going to spend. Spend time with my. My mom, my brothers and sisters. I'm so excited to have my kids reconnect with their cousins. Those are really great ideas. So, you know, I'm gonna. I'm gonna deal with. With my stepfather. Okay, great. Now what? Here's my expectations. He's gonna be rude to me. He's gonna be unkind. He's gonna say something that hurts my feelings. I'm gonna be in the back room crying. I'm gonna want to leave. I'm gonna start to panic. So those are. And really what I'm talking about here in my expectations is all the things I'm afraid of that are going to happen. All the places of insecurity and fear that are going to come up for me when I put myself intentionally in this environment. And as crazy as it sounds, with that piece of paper and that pen that we invited you to take notes with to this moment, I actually want you to make a list of all of those. Like, list them out. Take a list of those fears and insecurities, those expectations, like, what do you think is going to happen? What are you afraid is going to happen? What is your worst case Scenario and we don't like to talk about that. We want to try and avoid that. But no, we're going to dive into it. What is your worst case scenario? Because if we can create a plan around your worst case scenario, we've got a really good chance of creating some success here. So make a list of everything that comes up for you in regards to your expectations. And again, expectations is just a place where I go and I'm so sure this is going to happen. And again, if I step into a family gathering from this place, place, I'm going to brace myself, I'm going to probably say some snarky comments, right? And inevitably my behavior and how I'm showing up is going to play a part in creating the exact scenario that's going to want to be or desire to be avoided. This is going to cause us to feel bad at the end of the day, right? The reason why you have this anxiety, right, and this starts to reel is you really want things to go well. I want to give credence to that. I want to highlight that. You want to create a new experience. You want things to be different than they are. I wanted Stan and I to be able to get along and to sit down and to enjoy each other through the holidays, any day, actually. But as we learned, I had to come to the place of acceptance where that just wasn't possible because that was going to take both of us to play in. So at least we could create a respectful place where we could both show up and love our mom. Which takes me to the next place. Okay, so expectations, write them down, get clear about them, explore them. What are the fears and insecurities that are coming up for you around what you think is going to happen? And realize if we don't explore these, then I'm going to act as though they've already happened. Because as a human being, I show up as good as I feel. So if I'm already feeling obligated, right, Because I can't choose in, if I'm already feeling like there's this expectations, I know how this is going to go. I know somebody's going to do this and they're going to say that and then I'm going to feel this way, then inevitably you're going to show up as though that has already happened and your behavior lends to the creation of that experience. And boy, do I know this one. Like I'd said to you a bit ago, I would show up and I'd have my pre canned snarky comment because I was just sure he was going to greet me at the door, roll his eyes, make some snarky comment about what I was wearing and how eccentric I was. And then I would have some kind of a fired back statement canned and ready, and there we are, off to the races. Everything I didn't want, everything that I was trying to avoid just started to play out. And, you know, what I contributed to it, like. And that would be the part that would make me feel bad, like, oh, he got me again.

That's, you know, I was just gonna say, you know, as you were sharing that, you know, just think about it. I don't think many of us have regrets with experiences that have gone well. Right? The regret comes from what didn't go well or what we didn't say, or the time we didn't take.

So we're never being successful in creating those moments that we wanted to create with those that we do love and those that we do want to be. So if I'm in the back corner crying, I'm not spending time with my sister and my brothers. I'm not ensuring that my kids are connecting with their cousins. I'm not showing up and letting my mom know how great it is to be here enjoying the food. I'm too busy trying to get myself together. And that's, that's important for us to realize there's some choices that are being made here. So make a list of those expectations. They're essentially don't wants. What are your fears and insecurities? What's the worst case scenario, bottom line? And from that worst case scenario, we're going to step into the next step, which is a vision. Create a vision for yourself. And this is so important. We can't just stay here about how to get them to stop so that I can have a better experience, right? Or right. Me getting to a place where I'm not going to show up and feel the way they feel or discount my fears and insecurities. And in regards to stepping into the situation, because from my experience, it's happened. This is what's going down. So even if you tell me to get over it, I'm not going to be able to get over it because this happened, right? Last year, the year before, the year before that, right? I got a nice break with COVID but now I'm back to it. Now what? So don't tell me to just get over it. That's not going to work. I have to create a vision. After I've created all the fears and experiences or Or, I'm sorry, all the fears and insecurities around my expectation, I can now flip that to, well, what is it? What is it you want? Where is the common ground? How is it you want this to go? And when we look at our expectations, what would you like to see happen instead? Instead of this thing, what would you like to see happen instead? And from there, what we can explore. The best case scenario, I was going to say.

So, yeah, I mean, that'd be the opposite of the worst case. Well, then what would be the very best case scenario? So have some. You know, use your imagination. I mean, again, it'd be the exact opposite. That's why many times, our clients and ourselves included, you know, it's easier for us to come up with what we don't want or our worst case. Well, then just pick the opposite of this.

That, and this is usually a place where a bit resistant to go, like. No, no, no, no. So you don't get how bad this is. No, no, no, no. See, you really didn't.

There is no. There is no best case scenario.

We can't create a best case scenario out of this. Yes, you can. And if I learned anything, that was one of the greatest gifts that Stan gave me, was I have the power to create something that's independent of how he chooses to show up. And as a matter of fact, it's so empowering to me that he stops picking a fight with me. I could not get him to see or understand or agree or buy into the fact that he was being rude, he was being condescending, he was being critical, he was being judgmental, and I could go down the list. You get the picture. What I'm trying to point out here is there was no way I realized that I was going to get him to stop doing what it is he does. And so now what? And this vision scenario is exactly how I got through it. And when he realized that how he showed up had no impact on me and that I was going to go ahead and create what I wanted and not only that, advocate for it. Right. There was nothing he could do about it. So what's your best case scenario out of what you've just written down in regards to your expectations? And the power of this is it's going to give you a focus, a vision while you're in it and you're emotionally getting fired off. And for me, I wanted to show up and show love and respect to my mom and to my brothers and sister, and I wanted my kids to have a good time. I Wanted to enjoy the people that I loved prior to this person coming into the mix. That was my vision. And so I identified a statement and I'm going to commit to using it while I'm there. All around my best case scenario, like, I'm going to advocate for it. I'm going to take it with me. And so when I would show up, I could create a statement that was basically like, I'm not doing this with you anymore. I am here to love the woman that we both love and visit with my brothers and my sister and ensure that my kids have a good time. And that was the statement that I would stick to every time he would approach me, every time he would roll his eyes at me. If I didn't say it to him verbally, I would say it to myself, Remember why I'm here. I am here to. Right. Have a good time, love on my mom, connect with my siblings and ensure that my children had a good time. That's why I'm here. And I refuse to buy into this other scenario. So that's the power of having a vision. Because once you have a vision or a want or a desire out of the situation, you can create it. If we're stuck in, they're going to do this. I can't believe this. It always goes this way. Maybe not this year. This year, right? If I could just say that one thing that would get them to see the light and go, oh, that's not going to happen because you're not in charge of their movie. You're in charge of your movie. And your movie will play out best if you have a vision that you're pursuing and that you're going to advocate for and that you're going to stand standby and you're going to continue to. To make a statement, a bold statement, of how you want this to go and why you're here, regardless of what plays out. So Stan and I would do this, and there was a point in time where I would say, look, I want this to go well for my mom, and I think you and I can come to a place in an agreement that that's the reason that we're here together. We love our mom. We love the same woman. So if we love the same woman, then let's show up and behave accordingly. Let's make this go well for her. It has nothing to do with you and me anymore. And then as the years rolled by, I could get to a place where I'd walk in and he'd give me that look and I'D say, okay, we're going to keep the gloves up, right? And then he'd smile at me and we would sit down and have a nice meal together. He and I came to a place where he was never going to be my stepdad. He was never. I was never going to be a stepdaughter. We didn't really like each other, and it was okay to be part of the space that we didn't have to try and, like, push, pull, or be in this power play with each other anymore. All we could do is focus on loving the woman that we both know brought us together. And that was an evolution. And with this framework, I want you to see that you can shortcut this whole thing. This took me, you know, 15 years to create and come to the realization of. With having a powerful vision that you can advocate for, you can short circuit that in hours, as long as you do it on the front side. Why are you going choose in. Choose in. There's something you want to do here, and it's going to come from the caring side, it's going to come from the want side. And then you've got to go through those expectations. You've got to identify them. You've got to understand what are the fears and insecurities inside of yourself that you're afraid are going to get brought up by being in this environment, right? And then you're going to counterbalance them with, well, what would be the best case scenario? Like what, how could this go really, really well? And what could I advocate for? And then we need to create and craft a statement that you can use, and that's going to be your superpower in the environment. So that if somebody does that thing that you're just sure they're going to do, right, or you start to feel minimized yourself or insecure or doubt yourself, you can go to the statement, I'm here because this is what I want to see happen. This is what I want to play out, and this is what I'm going to drive for. And any of us as human beings can do this for a couple of hours. Any of us. Remember, it's not two years, not two weeks, it's two hours, not even two days. We can do this for a very short period.

And what would you say? Let's say that, you know, I wasn't, you know, we weren't together when, you know, you were dealing with Stan as you're sharing. So as, as a. If I was there, you know, say, as a supportive spouse, you know, watching these more Relevant dynamics between you and Stan, or in someone else's case, whomever, give me a vision statement or a statement that I could hold on to as I was watching my significant other, my husband and my wife, dealing with this difficult, you know, in law or something, you know, as you're more the supportive role, not the active role.

Well, see, that's the. That's the really cool thing is that if I were to go through this process with you and you knew what my statement was that was really, really helping me show up and that I really wanted to commit myself to creating, you could remind me of that when you started to see me Wilt.

Gotcha good.

You could say, remember, babe, remember why we're here, right? Let's go focus on connecting with your mom. Or let's go focus on your sister, your brothers. Let's go get the kids and make sure that they're having a good time. Because there's lots of things that are playing out in family dynamics and sometimes we forget it all. All of us do that. So normal. We forget all of it when we're starting to feel like we're turning into a hot mess with inside of ourselves. That's our internal movie. And then there's nothing else going on and I lose my way. And I feel like all there is is this emotion. And so that's the gift of somebody that's a supportive role that can help pull me out of that, especially if I've empowered them with how I would like this to go differently. Now, there's a couple of things, again, that I just want to point out here. I want you to keep in mind. You do not need to help the other person see their poor behavior. This will create a fight, absolutely. Every single time. It's not about managing their behavior, it's about managing your own. Don't let them derail you in saying or doing something that you're going to regret later. It won't feel any better later. In fact, it's going to feel worse. We don't even need to open up the conversation about what they do. That's a problem. You don't even have to have that conversation. It can be omitted. I walk in, I say hello. They do their thing. I remember my vision. I'm committed to it. I go about creating what it is I want to create and experience with the other people in the room. And I'm going to essentially dismiss this other person. Now they corner me in the kitchen. They say, right, and that's where we're going to come up with a game plan. But I want you to realize that you can meter how deep you share and where the conversation goes because you have the power at any point in time to tap out of that conversation. You don't have to answer any questions you're uncomfortable with. You don't have to go along with anything that you're uncomfortable with. Right. You. You don't. And if they're starting to ask you things that you're uncomfortable answering, then just say that. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable answering that question right now. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about? And the reason why I always put a question on the end of that is because it just transitions a conversation and it also invites a person back into the conversation and puts the focus back on the other person. Don't worry if you didn't catch any of that. It's okay. It's just a communication tactic. But I do want you to see and understand that you can meet or how deep you share. So now that you're armed with an understanding of, everybody has an internal movie and the only one you can be in charge of it is your own. Right now that we are choosing in. And we understand. I'm choosing in because I care. That's usually why I go home. I want things to go well. I. I want to connect with the people or the places where I come from. Right. I want to see so and so and such and such again. Those are great reasons to choose in. Instead of feeling like you're being dragged from obligation, we then need to address the expectations. Because those are my fears and insecurities and my past experiences all colliding together. And I want to do an exploratory journey over what that worst case scenario is so that I can get really clear on what my vision is, my best case scenario. And I'm going to get to a place where I get clear about what it is I want. And then I'm going to come up with some kind of a statement that I can use with myself or in real life, communicate it out at the time I need to pull it out. And this is where game plan comes into play. If our worst case scenario begins to present itself, what will you choose to do that will honor yourself and the people that you love? And there's lots of options here, really simple options that when we're flooded with information and we're turning into a hot mess, we don't think about. Okay, things like, hey, you know what? I'm going to go check on the kids. I'm going to go get a drink of water. I'm going to step outside for a moment. I need to take a walk. Right. I'm going to go down and connect with so and so or I'm going to check out what's going on with the leftovers or at the dessert table. There's a lot of different things that we can do that put you in a place where you can say, this is what I'm going to do next. So I want you to come up with, what are your options there? Come up with two or three or four that you can, you can look at. I'm going to go check on the kids. I'm going to go talk to my sister. I'm going to go talk to my brother. I'm going to go for a walk. I'm going to go check my phone. Right. I'm going to go get a drink of water. I'm going to go take a walk around the block. These are all game plans that if things are to start heading towards the worst case scenario, you have a game plan in regards to what your next two or three or four options are going to be.

And in our body of work, we also call this a broken record statement. So again, if you get, if your back's against the wall, you know, and sometimes when our backs are against the wall, we forget everything. If you forget everything, just make sure you have a couple of these broken record statements. And you know, as we're sharing with these, and these will get you out of this, you know, place where you're feeling like you're literally, literally against the wall.

And here's the place where I really want you to take some notes. Your pre can statement is going to be a version of this. And I've got it into a template that you can just fill in the blanks. Okay, you know what? I'm here because. And this is where your vision goes. So if, say, Stan started to say, you know, can't believe you're here, you know, what were you thinking? You arrived late, you're wearing that outfit again or rolling your eyes or all the myriad of things he used to do, I would turn to him and in my pre can statement, I would say, you know what? I'm here because I love my mom and I want to connect with my brothers and sisters. That's my vision. Okay, I'm going to put that in the blank. And in light of what's happening here, it's best for me to. This is where you put in Your option. Go check on the kids. Now go get a drink of water. Now say hello to my mom. Now bring the presents in from the car. Now go get my roasted turkey. So again, you know what? I'm here because that's your vision now. You know what? In light of what's happening here, this is. I see the worst case scenario going on down. I'm starting to turn into a hot mess. I'm not going there. In light of what's happening here, it's best for me to fill in the blank. Now go check on the kids. Get a drink of water. Go check on Tom. I wish you were around then. That would have made that a lot easier. And that's your can statement. Okay. This is also a place where we have a wonderful download called Stop a fight in 20 seconds. There's a list of things that you remember those diets that you used to have back in the day where it would say, if you don't want sugar, then substitute it for this. There's a page in there where there's a wonderful, wonderful list of things. Don't say this, say this, don't say this.

Instead of this, say this. It's the very last page of the download. So you know, you can. It's a very. It could be a very, very. Just that last page of the download could be very helpful when you feel like you're against the wall.

So when you look back when this is all over and that's it, you stick to that statement. You hold yourself to it. You can tap out at any point in time you've gone through it. Please do this on the front side. But here's the goal is that when you look back over this event and you look at your own behavior, you feel good about it. You win. That's how we win this. There's some super tips here that I'm going to quickly give to you that I want you to keep in mind as you're going through this framework. And you might need to listen to this podcast a few times to kind of get the gist of it. But here's the super tips. What we've given you today is a way to be in a room with someone you find difficult to be around and still create an enjoyable experience. Experience. Please know this is not how you would handle a difficult conversation. To resolve an issue with said person or a loved one. This is not it. This is a place to be in the same room. That's a whole different type of a framework. That would be a difficult conversation framework or Our communication sandwich framework. That is not this. I also want to point out that a holiday gathering is not, I repeat, not the time or place to do a difficult conversation. This is a time to do our best, to put our best foot forward and to adhere to that vision that we want to experience with ourselves and with our loved ones. I also want to remind you that going forward, very often we can't change the dynamics of our family of origin. However, we can use our experiences from childhood to provide us with the desire and clarity. Clarity for creating something different. Like those things that happened right, with Stan. For me, they just helped me understand how it is. I want to show up with my own kids as a step parent. I never want to portray myself as though I am in that light. And that is a good thing because sometimes it holds me to a certain place. Right? It does. I remember that. And it makes me want to create different experiences. I want to feel connected with my. My stepchildren. I want to love them. I want to know what's going on in their lives. I want them to know that I'm cheering for them. And, man, that's exactly what I wanted from him. And isn't that ironic? I can now take that understanding and it helps me know how to show up with my own step kids and with my own children. And when we do have a gathering, how I would like the atmosphere of that gathering to go. And I commit to that. And that's what's so empowering about the contrast of our past experiences. I want you to know that it creates opportunities for you to create what it is you truly long for. You can't change the past, but you absolutely can create what it is you want going forward. I implore you to feel good about the way that you show up so that when you say goodbye for the evening, leave the party, you take your whole self with you. You're emotionally leaving, not only physically, but with your emotional self intact. That's huge. I don't want you leaving the party and reeling about something you did or something you said or something you got stuck in. I want you leaving that party from a place of feeling empowered and really good about how you showed up and did your part. Can't do anything about how they chose to show up, but you can do everything about the way you did it and then celebrate it. Celebrate that you did this framework, regardless of how it went down. You feel good about the end of the party and that's the name of the game. So, any last thoughts before we say goodbye?

No. Again, I would encourage you to go back and listen to this. You know, it is it, it's simple as far as the steps, but it may, it not may. It's going to take some practice. But again, I can't overemphasize the importance of doing this ahead of time. Gift G I f T Gift yourself the time to, to set it up for success, you know, and again, not to dismiss that it's going to be difficult, but difficult doesn't mean you still can't have success.

And man, if you've got somebody who's a support person, a wingman on your side, right?

Very helpful.

Empower them with this as well because if they know this too, boy, they can pull you out of some pretty tight situations. Right? So take this, use it. I give it to you with my gift and my heart. And we're going to take a break and kind of let this sink in. Get up, move around, take a break, take a breath and we're going to come back and have a little bit of fun. Because you know what, we do that too here. We work really hard, but then we take some fun. Take some time for fun, shall we say? We'll be right back in just a minute.

I met Stacy and Tom about two years ago. I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just to wanted, felt hopeless and helpless. I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success. With Stacy and Tom's methods I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit holing. I was separated from my wife for a year and I have since moved back home for the last six months. Now I still refer back to a lot of the teaching that Stacy and Tom provided and it's helped me. It's well worth it.

Learn the simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to stacybartley.com workshop.

You found us. Maybe you've been guided to listen alternative talk. 11:50.

Back everybody. Tom and Stacey Bartley here. Love shack live. We're gonna step right into some follow the fun.

Yeah, we've got some good ones. We discovered this with a group of friends here just a couple of weeks ago and had such a blast. And that's something that we discovered was this incredible mystery experience that you have. Like everybody gets together and there's like evidence laid out on the table and you have to literally go through it to Problem, Solve the crime. Right. The missing persons. Right. Or the homicide. Now, I know that's probably not the happiest thing we can talk about. However, the working together is what created such an incredibly fun, rich experience for us. And so I want to share this with you as we're all coming together. And maybe you're looking for something to kind of bring everybody together, a game that everybody can enjoy. Sometimes it's really difficult to find something that meets the needs of young and old together. This is something that, boy, if you're eight years or older, you can absolutely come to the table and have a piece of. And it's called Solve a Mystery Together. And you can simply go to Amazon and it's unsolved case files. And that's the. That's the branding. There's several there. The ones that I have found and enjoyed the most are the unsolved case files. They're like 26 bucks. You know, if you want to really go over the top, you can decorate, make it look like a scene or an investigative office. It comes in this really cool envelope where you feel like you're the investigator, and it's all sealed and everything, and you undo it and you pull out the fold fo the folder, and it's got all this evidence in there, and there's several levels of it. And so I would encourage you to do something that would bring the family together, that everybody can enjoy, and not only that, bring them together, but challenge you. Right, to think through the problem, solve some things.

Yeah, no, it was.

It was.

It was very different, you know, and so there's. There, I think, is an important point, you know, Stacey, you know, novelty. Don't underestimate the power of it. We all have to have it in our lives. And this is a way perhaps different than like a round of a football game. Everyone's sitting in front of a television. You know, this is interactive. It's sensory, you know, you need to think, you know, and so, no, it's very well done.

And you can bounce ideas off of each other. And, you know, in my humble opinion, you could add in a holiday beverage, you know, like spiked hot chocolate or some mulled wine, which I just discovered. I've never had that before. But you know what? It was love at first sight for us. And Tom keeps going. Oh, honey.

More. We could probably do a whole episode on that, ladies and gentlemen, but we won't. Moving right along, if you want to.

Get on our fun list, we do giveaways. We. We give tips every week in our Sunday emails as well as we offer those fun tips here on the show. Go ahead and go to our website. You can get on the fun list. We want to spread some love. We have a wonderful gentleman, Mike Gorday, who is a human, he calls himself a human psychologist specialist. He comes on from time to time. He's a repeat guest for us. He, we ha. He and I together with Tom in the love shack here have a wonderful conversations, wonderful conversations around human behavior and some of the things that are trending in the world of relationships and love. And today Mike has this super tip on us that I think is so appropriate to what we've been talking about here. Mike, take it away.

Hello, my name is Mike Gorday and I'm a human solutions consultant here in Seattle, Washington. I'm looking forward to being inside the love shack with Tom and Stacy really soon as a guest. The thought that I am having today that I would like to share with you about love and relationships is it's very easy to play the blame game when we are having conflict, but that is a self defense mechanism that ultimately hurts our relationships more than help. So work hard at trying not to play the blame game. Look forward to being together with you inside the love shack soon.

I love his delayed soon.

Well, yeah, talk again. Everything we have shared with you is to stay out of the blame game. Okay. Okay. Again, very, very appropriate follow up to what we just shared with you.

Yeah, it is, it is really the objective of staying out of blame. We can't point out their poor behavior. That's not the angle we need to take. We need to focus on our own. So as we land this episode, we always end it with a song and that helps us get into the feeling aspect of right. What we've been talking about and sometimes where we're going, which is the case for this week's song. The song that we want to share with you for this week's episode is Meghan Trainers along with Earth, Wind and Fire, who, Holy cow, one of my favorite bands of all times. They've created a song for us called Holiday and Holiday. Boy, you got to put it on. It's going to help you get ready to go out and face the crowds for your shopping. It's going to help you, you know, whip up that turkey.

Listen to it last night. I said, oh man, that's good.

That's good. It's going to help energize you and put you in the right place. You know, talk about this. You, you listen to that song and then you Go armed to the family gathering with your wonderful statement and your vision. You're going to be unstoppable. I. I absolutely guarantee it. I want you to know you can check out this week's song along with all the other songs from our past episodes by going to our website and clicking on the Love Shack Live playlist. Yeah, they're all there waiting for you. We do this for you. Music is a great way to help us feel. So as we wrap up and say goodbye to you and wish you a happy Thanksgiving and a wonderful holiday season, I want you to know that this is going to be the first of many conversations we're going to have about what's coming up for the holidays. And next week we are going to have a wonderful woman, one of my favorite peeps. Her name is Amy Scott. She also happens to be a financial planner and she's going to come in and help us. As relationships go, think about the anxiety for spending around the holidays and how to navigate that with our special someone is going to be a great conversation. Absolutely.

Holiday stress and managing spending as a couple.

Yeah. What do you think about that, honey? Are we in good shape?

We're going to listen. We're going to take it all in right along with you.

Thanks so much for Mike or Day for helping us spread some love today. And hey, if we shared something here that resonates with you, please help us spread the love. Share your friends. Share with your friends this incredibly powerful framework. Your loved ones help us get the word out here because we really are here to help.

And if you need that resource, you can go right to our website. You'll see that right, how to stop a fight in 20 seconds or less, you know, so check it out. Perhaps add that to your repertoire before you go over to your house.

Hey, and if you have any questions or con conversations that you want to have that you haven't seen us have here on the Love Shack or want to hear more of, you can also ask those questions on our website as well. It's great to be here with you. Have a wonderful holiday season. We're committed to helping you make that happen. We're Thomas Stacey Bartley inside the Love Shack here for another episode of Love Shack Live. Come on back next week. We'll be here to connect with you once again. We'll talk to you soon.

Thanks, everybody.

Bye bye.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to to go. We got to close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.