#62: How Parents Can Talk To Their Kids About Sex & Their Bodies

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In Today's episode, episode 62, we are going to be answering one of the most common questions that parents have. How can we talk to our kids about sex and their bodies?

Yeah.

And we're Tom and Stacy Bartlett, hosts of Love Shack Live. We have a special guest and author, Mandy Nuttall in the Love shack with us today.

Together, we want to answer a question that all parents ask themselves at some point. How do I talk to my kids about sex? This can be a really rough topic for a lot of us, but it doesn't have to be. We need to have these conversations because they are essential for our children's well being and self esteem. So today we want to give parents some tips on how they can start talking about sex early on so that when the time comes, their kids will feel more confident and the conversations will feel a lot less awkward. Wherever you are in this moment, thank you so much for listening in. It's great to be here with you. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back.

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Welcome back. Inside the Love Shack, we are your hosts, Tom and Stacey Bartley. Today we're going to share how to empower yourself as a parent. Parent when it comes to having conversations about our bodies and sex with our children, having this information will give you the confidence you need because you will finally have practical advice on how to approach these crucial issues without all the fear and anxiety oftentimes that comes up with these types of things.

As parents, we desire our children to grow up healthy, happy and enjoy their relationships. And we also feel compelled to teach them about how to protect themselves and the pitfalls of exploring their bodies. I think that we can all agree some sex can have lasting consequences on the lives of our children, especially when we feel ill prepared. These types of conversations can be awkward and even scary at times as parents. And yet, overcoming our resistance and having these conversations will allow our children to grow up comfortable in their bodies and more able to navigate romantic relationships in their futures.

And avoiding the conversations because they feel awkward or uncomfortable is not the answer we like to say. You know what? Hoping and praying, you know, is not necessarily a great strategy. So it's time to talk. Talk about it.

Yeah. Mandy Nuttall is here. She's inside the Love Shack and she's here to explore with us this conversation. She's a former health teacher and mother of five children herself. Mandy knows how hard it is for parents to feel confident in teaching on this subject, so she wrote a book about it called the Birthday Suit Book to make this process simple and empower parents so that they can empower their children to respect and love their bodies. As Mandy writes in her book the Birthday Suit, we have one shot to teach our kids to respect their bodies and it's best to not leave that up to the world. As parents, it's our job and our divine responsibility. Mandy, it's such a pleasure to have you inside the love shack with us today. Welcome to the show.

Thank you. I'm excited to be here.

We want to jump in and hear a little bit about your experience and why it was you felt inspired to write this book to help parents have this conversation with their kids. Could you give us a little background? Background story?

Absolutely. So, as a high school health teacher, whenever I told people I did that, they were like, what? Why would you want to do that? I loved teaching those kids, and the reason why is I think it was the best subject because everything we talked about was relevant to them. Everything that we. I mean, the sex ed unit was by far my favorite to teach because it was just like, all eyes. And so many of them learned so much. I was absolutely shocked by how much these kids didn't know. They were 14, 15, 16 years old, and they just didn't know. And I'm like, I mean, it was a while ago. It wasn't that long ago that I taught, but why weren't these kids learning these things before they were 14 and 15 and 16? So my last day teaching, it was right after I had my son, my first baby. And I held up my baby in front of the class like a Simba moment. I'm like, you guys, this kid, I'm gonna teach my kids. They're gonna know about their bodies. So when they're in this situation, they're gonna already know, and they're gonna be able to just expound on their knowledge at that point. So I've always been so excited to teach my children, and now, as a mother of five, I don't know how that happened. That was. I got crazy there.

I hear you. I hear you. I have six.

It really is nuts. But I just kept getting parents asked. I mean, they kept asking me, how do I do this? What do I say? It's so awkward. How do you bring it up? Like, why are you excited to teach your kid about this? And, you know, when somebody asks you the same question 3, 4, 5 times, write a book about it because it's relevant. It works. So I finally got the drive to do it, and it's an incredible book.

Oh, that's incredible. And especially someone such as yourself who's had experience teaching kids of that same age. I have a personal relevance story where at the age of 17, I was a teenage pregnant mom. Mom. And so I ended up Having my first child at the age of 17 with my high school sweetheart. And the thing that I want to shed on the conversation personally is it wasn't because I didn't have a mom that didn't teach me about my body. She did. She did a great job about that. What she failed to do was teach me how to have safe sex and didn't. The literacy so of having that conversation, the permission and the openness to actually approach that conversation was what prevented me from turning to her for that literacy. Right. On how this whole sex ed thing works. And what I did was I turned to my best friend, who seemed to be pretty knowledgeable on it, and her advice to me at the time to not get pregnant, as I shared with her, I was having sex with my boyfriend and of course with my boyfriend, was to just douche afterwards and then you'll be fine. And what's ironic about it and hilarious now looking back is we both ended up pregnant the same year.

Oh, wow. Well, that doesn't work.

So obviously that was not the best advice. And. And I think this is where sometimes not only teaching our bodies, just that's so important, but also teaching about sex and, and the pros and cons of that and helping teenagers make those common decisions are some of the conversations that I want to empower our parents with today. And so we've been so excited for this, obviously for a very personal reason. Right. This is such an important conversation that I'm impassioned about in the work that I do. I volunteer quite a bit at one of the high schools here. Right. I don't teach health ed, but I go in and I talk about relationships, that, those types of things, because I feel like helping kids make those decisions is really important and what the pros and cons are so they can make a good decision. And I'm so with you on, gosh, the best place for that to happen is right in the home, right as we kick those doors open.

So I mean, it's sad that you didn't have that. I mean, your mom did a great job, you said, but did it end there? Like, if you didn't feel comfortable talking to her about that, there's. There's a gap. There's a gap there that. I mean, the only way that parents and kids can have that relationship is if it's frequently done, like very often. Like, you're constantly talking about these things. Not talking about necessarily sex, but talking about their body in a way that they can come to you and feel comfortable talking about everyday Random things. So when the things are important, like should I have sex with my boyfriend that that relationship is established and then it's not awkward to say things like that.

Absolutely.

And for, and, and I can just personally share and you know, as we have this dialogue, please, you know, feel free to ask me questions right. About how we ended there. But I can tell you, with my mom, I didn't want her to feel bad about what it was I was doing. And I knew she wouldn't approve. I, I knew that that was a conversation where she would some not not she would judge me. She would judge me and I would feel bad for breaking her heart because I knew this would not was not the principles that she was teaching in the home. So if I wasn't going to choose abstinence, I had no option but to seek the information elsewhere. And I think that's an important conversation.

Well, let me just add that oftentimes my observation is, you know, we get into, interwoven into this very important conversation, maybe through some strong cultural places or religious places. And again, no object, no, excuse me, no judgment here from my side, but we have to understand that this is an evolution as we get older. And these activities obviously are happening because we have the highest level of teenage pregnancy of any country in the developed world is in the United States. So I'm not trying to be hardcore here, but these things are taking place whether we want to acknowledge them or not. So like you're saying, manny, let's have the conversation in the home. Create the permission and safety. Those are two benchmark frameworks that we work with all of our. If you're going to have an important conversation, the permission and safety, I would think you would agree, has to be there before the child's ever going to feel comfortable to bring it up.

Yeah, yeah. You can't teach values and principles and things unless you are, you know, take the shame away and allow that conversation to be a safe place to happen. Because if you don't talk to you about it, where are they going to go? They're going to go learn that lovely bit of information from their friend. That's which obviously was not accurate. But yeah, we got to get rid of the shame. And if someone makes a choice different than what your principles are, there still has got to have no shame. You still got to love them, listen and go from there and not wish that they were who you thought they were going to be or who you hoped they would be, but, you know, love them from right where they are.

And then move forward I love that. So let's start the conversation. How can learning about the bodies strengthen a parent child relationship? And how do we start that? Perhaps I'm a parent that's listening right now. Like, I have no idea how to start this conversation. So I'll let you pick it up from there, you know.

Okay, well, obviously people who are listening have kids at all various ages. I'm going to talk about maybe an ideal approach is starting very, very young. My first book, book one is for ages one to nine and I've had some people say what, you're teaching a one year old about sex. No, guys, hold on. The first lesson is to prep the parents. You're going to be a teacher, okay? No matter if you want to be a teacher or not, you're going to be a teacher. And teachers, if you think about the best teacher you've ever had, they didn't just like, poof, I'm a good teacher. They studied, they learned, they practice. This is what lesson one is about, helping parents get ready to be a good teacher to learn the material yourself if you don't already know the material. Many parents I found don't teach because they don't know. They really don't understand it themselves. So in an ideal world is we start very, very young with the basics. So when we do eventually talk about sex, which in the book the goal is age nine is when you teach about the mechanics of sexual before then, before they even talk about that at age 9, there is a wealth of information given. Think about like this is something that really people can relate to math. If the goal is to learn algebra, you don't teach someone from the very beginning algebra. That's not how it works. I mean they're going to be like, great, X, Y, who knows, I don't care, I don't respect that. Like, but if you start with number recognition, number properties, addition, subtraction, multiplication, division and build up the foundation when you do teach algebra, they're going to get it, it's going to make sense. It's not going to go over their head until years later and they kind of try to remember and it doesn't make sense. So with each lesson the goal is, is that before they even learn about sex, they learned about DNA, anatomy, fertilization, fetal development, pregnancy, delivery. They know all of that, six, seven and eight year olds before they even learn about sex. So when you have that conversation, you have this incredible bond that you've already established with your child, your young child. And when you have the sex talk, which can be a little bit awkward. I'm not going to lie. I mean, telling a kid about the mechanics of sex, it's hard a little nine year old. However, if you've established that you are a safe person, you are going to be truthful with them and be honest and that this is something they can expect every year to have a birthday suit talk. It's going to be natural, it's going to be comfortable. They're going to know I'm going to learn about my body here and just this is the next step. We've already learned about pregnancy and delivery and all these things. It just comes naturally. So that's the ideal scenario is that we start young.

I love this approach. And I want to also point out that not only are you going to become a great teacher for when your child or children are ready for these conversations, but it's also going to help us as adults feel more comfortable about the topic ourselves. And so often I think that's the throw off for our kids if we're uncomfortable with our own bodies. Right. These books also can help us become comfortable with our own bodies as adults. It's not necessarily just for children. And I really want to emphasize that. So if by chance in your adult, adult life as a parent, you're struggling with your own body and relationship to sex, which is so, so, so, so common because where did we learn this before Mandy came along and we had the birthday suits, we didn't so many times, as she's already highlighted, these conversations do not happen. And so we grow into adults, of course, by no fault of anybody, doing the very best we know how and we don't know how to have conversations about sex in our bodies. And most of us, you know, not most of us, but a lot of us, many of us feel very uncomfortable with our bodies. And so then of course, fast forward and have to step into being the teacher. Of course it's awkward because I'm awkward. I have this image, right? I think we can all relate to whether you're on the parent side or you remember it as being a child growing up walking into your parents bedroom and they're actually having sex. And it's not the fact that they're having sex that captures your attention, it's the reaction to you walking in the room that captures your attention. And as a kid you go, hey, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What's weird about this? Something's weird.

Yeah, exactly.

Weird, right? And if we were to approach that same thing as though that was normal and natural, the kid probably wouldn't even notice.

Yeah, exactly. I want. Can I put you guys on the spot for a minute and ask you a question?

Absolutely.

Okay, so to reiterate what you just said about how you guys are. Well, most parents are uncomfortable. I interviewed 126 parents from all over, all different types of parents, many different locations. What percentage would you say, or would you guess actually felt comfortable talking to their own parents about sex and their body?

I would guess less than 1%.

You know, that's probably more accurate. I, with, with my research, I had 23%, so only 23% actually felt comfortable going to their parent and asking them a question. But I mean, still, I, I agree it was probably less than 1 in, in the real world. But that's devastating. As a parent, this is our job to teach and educate and empower our children to respect their body. And overall, I asked all Those parents, only 21% even felt educated about their body. Yeah, only 21. That's one in four of us. How can we go on and teach our kids that's, you know, the same principle, to be respectful of our bodies if we weren't even taught that way? And like you said, if you don't respect your own body, if you can't use real anatomical terms, how can you teach about the physiological effects of sex and, you know, anatomy if you don't, you can't even say the words yourself. So I'm trying to help parents say these words, learn the anatomy, and just teach truth. Because our bodies are not a secret. Everybody has one. Everybody has a body, but they are special. And so we just got to treat them special, but not as a secret one.

I also want to just point out that we're all here as a result of sex. Exactly.

Exactly.

And so I would just add that, you know, what you just described, man, to me, it's like, it just shows the. This emotional charge around this, you know, which I like to think it's a sacred act that all of us, you know, hopefully participate in in a way that is. Love is incredible. And yet, wow. Have we gone to all different places with this demonstration? And again, using one adage, I think it's Wayne Dar, you know, we can never get enough of what we don't already have. So if we don't have that understanding and that confidence and to be able to share that, well, guess what? We're probably not going to have that conversation per your, Per your, you know, analysis of your research. Your research. Excuse me.

Well, and that is a great place to begin as Parents, if the conversation that we're having is starting to make your armpits sweaty and your stomach flip over a little bit, that's so normal. Just know I want to normalize that. There's nothing to be ashamed about there. But as we have these conversations, the opportunity for you to first get comfortable exploring this for yourself. Try that on. Get comfortable in this conversation, because we know the conversation is coming. It is coming. Right. And if you want to do it just even a teeny tiny bit better, like open that door, kick it open just a little bit more than it was for you, I would say that's a success. Right? Yeah.

Oh, I agree. Can I put you on the spot again? Sorry.

Yes.

I'm doing this. Okay. I asked many parents and I asked my students, I always open up the. The topic of the sex ed unit. I would say, okay, guys, what is sex? Basic question, what is sex? So if I asked you guys that, how would you answer?

I would say anything that's shared with another person that brings you to orgasm. Well, I guess it doesn't even need to be shared by another person. It could be shared with yourself. Right?

Okay.

Sex could be anything that brings you to. Well, doesn't even necessarily need to be orgasm. As I'm kind of like thinking of. That's a great question.

Well, that is a great question. Yeah, it's a very hard question. My mind is spinning. I'm not, you know, I mean, would.

You hear answer B?

Yeah, I would. I would say it's. It's the culmination of, of intimacy between two people. You know, that's what I would say. I mean, that.

That. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I. I don't. I guess I go, it's funny. It's fun. We can debate this. And then Andy, you know, Mandy's going to give us the answer. But I will try to help.

I will try to help. And this is going to help so many parents.

Yes.

So when so think of a five year old coming to you and saying, what is sex in your brain? Goes, whoa, yeah, I have a lot of answers.

Right.

And we have what we believe and feel sex is at our age, with our experiences, with our history, and we're like, okay, which one of those answers do I give the kids? And we make it so, so difficult on ourselves by trying to think of what we believe and what we know with our maturity and our experiences, what sex is. So if parents did this little trick here, if we break it down, break it down to the end, the absolute core, core purpose of sex first, let me. Before I tell you what the answer is. Well, what my answer is, my students would say, okay, it's the penis goes in the vagina. Okay, that's one way. It's what parents do together when they're in love. Okay. I had some of the parents I interviewed said it's what you do when you share a bed together. Like that's how they would answer a little kid. But all of those things a child can kind of relate to. Has a child ever shared a bed with you? They can relate to that. Do you tell your child that you love them? Yeah, they can kind of relate to that. It doesn't. It's not the core, core, simple purpose. So if we look at sex, as far as teaching what sex is to a child, if you look at it as the most simple, beautiful process, it is the process of creation of life. That's what the core purpose of sex is. If you look at it like that as you teach a child, it is fun, it's exciting. You're teaching about the creation of life, like creating new people, that's, that's exciting. And the kids really resonate with that. And that's where you start. That's your beginning point. And obviously as they get older, you add in more and more and more. But the same thing is like teaching algebra to a two year old. That's not how we do it. You gotta break it down to the very, very basic, simple, core purpose. And that's where we begin.

I love that. Reproduction of human beings, right? Isn't that delightful? Isn't that incredible? That's what sex is about. That is so wonderful and simple, right? And, and like freeing, like it is freeing.

So instead of saying like to your three year old, like you had a great answer, Stacy, and it made sense for you with your experience, you know what leads to orgasm. But as a three year old, that's not where you're going to go right away. But if you talk about maybe, let's say with a five year old, if you start, okay, here is the golden nugget to teaching about what sex is to a young kid. And it's DNA. DNA is exciting, it's fun. It's where you got your eye color from your hair color. Kids can relate to that. They can understand this. Sex is the DNA coming from the dad and from the mom and combining and creating a new person like you. Where did you get your eye color from? Where did you get your skin color from? What do your hands look like more like mom or more like dad? So just breaking it down to those basic, basic principles makes it so much.

Easier on parents when I would think.

It would take so much of the charge away from it as well.

Right.

I mean, and you know, again, it's science, so I mean, you know, there's, there's some objectivity and neutrality there.

And I love how this conversation also points us back to an appreciation and a respect for our bodies. Like, even as an adult, I can enjoy this conversation. Like, oh, wow, okay. Yeah. What do I look like? We'd love to compare that as human beings, don't we? My hair is like my mom's or my, my, my hands are like my dad or. Oh, that's traits of my mom or that's behavior of my dad. We love having those conversations, and that's because it helps us see who we are.

We help.

And that, that is core and foundational to the work that Tom and I do in helping us really embrace who it is we are. What works for you, what doesn't? Yeah, yeah.

Where did you come from?

And what are the attributes about you that you love and that you appreciate? Right. And where do you notice they come from? Or how did you acquire those? And it's usually through some principle or process of contrast, either where we want to be just like our parents or a parent, or we want to be completely opposed to that. Right. Because of what we've experienced and what we see. And that helps us form who it is we are at the core. And it's, it's lovely and a wonderful process for us to just discover where that comes from and how we've arrived at choosing to be who we are in this moment.

Exactly. That's beautiful. And, and what I've tried to do with this is to give a lesson for parents to give every year of their child's development. Consistency. Every single birthday, hopefully. When your child has a birthday, it's a monumental experience. It's like, oh, there's an anchor. I know it's my child's birthday. I need to have a discussion this year. And then in the lessons, I've just tried to make it so simple for them. Ask this question, talk about this, show this picture. Now ask this question. And it's a full, organized lesson plan from a teacher to a parent to help you, guide you through all of these topics. And like you said, Stacy, you know, working down to the basics of self discovery and in creating that bond between parent and child early so that they can keep developing this more and more and more. And when they get to those Teenage years, you have this incredible and beautiful foundation between parent and child.

So, so let's, let's. For those. Perhaps there's a listener out there. Listeners out there, we haven't had this incredible, like you said, ideal situation between, say, 1 and 9. Let's say we're full into teen years. This is something that we've comfortably just kind of not addressed. What would you. How would you help someone in that.

Place say, okay, I want to turn this around? I see. Gosh, I. I've not. Not really done a plastic job or an idealistic job of this. But I do know that my. My child is thinking about. Right. Having.

Well, let me just say, as a. As a teenage boy, those hormones are running wild. You can't hardly. You can't hardly think straight.

They're supposed to. That's what they're supposed to do.

So, so how would we use your frameworks and processes to say someone in that situation?

Man.

Okay, so. So my first thing with this is, I know there's probably millions of parents feeling that, yes, like, I should have started earlier. My biggest advice is, don't give up. This is your child. This is your chance and opportunity to teach. Even if they're 18, that's going to be harder. It will be harder, but don't just throw in the towel and say, oh, I kind of. I messed up. Sorry. Good luck, guys. You still are their parent. They are still your child, and you can teach them. So it's going to be a little bit more difficult, but if you just start, just start and say, you know what? Oh, before, before you start, be vulnerable. Tell them, you know what, you guys, I didn't do a very good job at this. I was scared to talk to you about this because of my upbringing, my own history. Whatever you experience as a parent that held you back, tell them this and then say, I want to be better. Can we have a discussion? Can I teach you about the physiological and the anatomical attributes of sex and more and safety and relationships and all these things, like, I want to be better. Can we just start instead of like, hey, can I, by the way, the birds and the bees. Can we have a discussion? No, no, no. Mom and dad, that ship sailed. You know, you hear that, You've heard that. You've seen the movies of the kids and, you know, running down the street and the mom's like, like, come back. I want to teach you about sex. No, but parents, just, please do not give up. Don't throw in the towel. One of my favorite quotes is the best Time to plant a tree was 10 years ago. But the second best time is today.

Today.

I love that. Well, and what's so beautiful about what you're pointing to here is we forget that your experience, right. However it went as a parent, relationally, sexually, right around your body and your ideals here, or maybe not ideal, like in my particular case, that is valuable if we can just, you know, muster up the courage to share it. Right. I. I raised my kids. It sounds like very similarly to you. Because of what had happened, I did not want the conversation of sex or our bodies or intimacy to be off of the table. Right. And so I. I just said, there's going to come a day where you're going to want to, you know, be closer to another person. And when that day comes, I want you to know you can come and talk to me about this. Let's have a conversation, and I'll share with you my experience in the hopes that you'll learn from it. Right? So in the hopes that we can maybe just take a little teeny, tiny step towards a new direction for our family and for our legacy. And I think sometimes we forget as parents, we want to cover up our mistakes without realizing that those mistakes can become the most valuable teaching points ever. Yeah, right. Well, and I would just learn from them.

Don't hide that. So valuable.

And I would just add it, you know, Stacey. And we have eight kids between us. But even my adult, you know, biological children, for context, you know, they're in their 30s. But guess what? You know what? Your children are always your children, and you can always create this. Maybe it's newfound safety and connection between you and them that perhaps you haven't. And I, me, I. We. You know, my son and I have had great conversations that we never had when we were. But it's like you said, Manny, it's not never too late. You always have that opportunity. As long as you can create this place of, you know, safety and permission and say, like, you know what? I could have done a better job there, you know? And, I mean, you just, you know, own up to, hey, being a parent is a dang tough job, you know?

Oh, my gosh, it is. It'll drag you to places that you never dreamed you were gonna go. Right? And. And there's a few times where I think all of us. And we'll just be honest about this, where you're gonna kind of like. I always envision this like Superman, like, flatline, you know, skid down this. Down the sidewalk, where you. You come up and you kind of got a little bit of road rash and go, whoo. Whoa. What just happened? Yeah.

Well, I have. I have more advice for parents who are. Are late in the game to get started with this.

Please share.

When I taught my class, I again, I said I was shocked by how much they didn't know.

Right.

You may think they may know, but there is so, so, so, so much that they don't. And what I've done. Birthday suit book two is not out yet, and that's for ages 10 through 18. But each lesson is going to have material in there that you can teach that they. I can almost say, like, 100. There's going to be something that they don't know.

Sure.

And if you can be a source of truth and a source of knowledge and a source of interesting information, you. You open that up like you're starting to have this conversation, their birthday suit talk. There's going to be something they don't know, and they're going to be like, like, okay, my parents do know something. They are kind of smart. And then that opens up for more and more topics and discussions that you can talk about. But I. I was shocked by. Let me tell a funny story of one of my kids. He, I think, was a junior in high school. He had a girlfriend and was very, very physical with her. And I knew this because their favorite makeout session was right outside my door. Like, that was their spot. And I would walk by and I'd be like, oh, gosh, you guys, heavy, heavy making out. So I knew this guy was very physically aware of his girlfriend. Who knows what was going on later. But. But his questions in class were my favorite. He would raise his hand and he would ask very bold, bold questions. And a lot of them were really kind of funny. So one time I was talking about ovulation and what goes on with the girl cycle and how every month she releases an egg. And I saw him in the back and his. You could just see the wheels turning. And he starts raising his hand and really awkwardly, and I'm like, this is going to be good. So he raises his hand and I call on him and he goes, okay, Mrs. Nuttall. So a girl releases an egg. Is this. Okay? Is this. Is this like a chicken? And I'm like, oh, my gosh, buddy. This guy thought that his girlfriend, who he's making out with and doing who knows what else with once a month, squats down and lays an egg. And this is not an uncommon thing. I mean, if you're not really taught about this stuff you're not going to know. And most teens don't know. That's my secret for you. They don't know. They may think they do. I was talking to this other. There's this lady that I follow on Instagram and she asks questions and many people post their responses and she asks, asked, what are some things that husbands did not know? After you got. You were married and you were having sex, and there was probably about 30 comments where guys thought. And girls that you got pregnant through your belly button and you think like, wait, what? Like they were trying to have sex through their belly button. And if you ask infertility specialists how many people they've had come in saying, we just can't get pregnant that have a swollen and inflamed belly button, it's mind blowing. You guys. Like, how did that slip through the cracks of how did someone not know that that is not how you get pregnant? There's so much that kids don't know and you think they would, but they just really don't.

When I would just add that.

Petite.

Excuse me. I would just add that, you know, of course. And then in your own. In their own social circles, no one's going to have enough courage to say they don't know. Oh, no, no, I know. You know, Joey over there. Oh, no, know like, you know, we would never. I mean, that would be the. The death of our social standing with. Amongst our peers. And none of us have a lick. A sense of any of us.

Exactly. Well, a lot to teach our kids.

Oh, my goodness.

I can't even tell you the number of clients I've had over the 25 years of doing this work. That a woman came into menstruation and had no idea what was going on with her body. Yes. And she was panicked. Yes. It does break my heart lying.

I'm bleeding so much. What's going on?

Yes, yes. That there's something wrong. And the. And the. The men who didn't know about menstruation prior to marriage is also a very shocking phenomenon. Right.

How can you respect her and what she goes through and, you know, the beauty of her body if he doesn't even know about it? You respect what you understand. That's one of my mottos.

Oh, I like that.

That's just so important.

Oh, Mandy, I love that. It is so true.

Say that again, Mandy.

What? You understand.

Wow, that's so, so, so, so true. And I think so many of us have such a lack of respect for our bodies. I mean, that is really the the one thing that my mom did instill was just a love and a respect for our body and how wonderful and incredible it was to support us on this life journey. That was an incredible gift that she gave me to just love and respect that body above and beyond all else. The point that fell down was I just didn't feel like I could talk with her about sex itself. Right. That. That was an off topic kind of conversation. And so I, I think, I love that, I love that statement because we can help our children understand and love their bodies, which sets this up. Right. I. I want to hear what you see as this work is unfolding for you, Mandy, as well as, you know, supporting these wonderful kids that had the privilege of you being their teacher as the, you know, showcases into the future. This isn't just about, you know, sex so much as it is about taking care of your body, appreciating your body. Right. Being in tune and in touch with your body, which is such a huge downfall for so many of the couples that I work with. Right. We don't have an appreciation or an acceptance of our body. And so we're constantly, you know, trying to run from it or separate from it, mistreat it. Right. I would love to hear some of your thoughts on that. That as we kind of get ready to wrap up this episode in the next few minutes.

Yeah. One thing I do focus on, I do in, in the book, talk about some of my parenting beliefs and some things. And I, I try not to put my values in there as far as, like, here, teach my value. No, that's open to the families. You teach your own family values. But one thing I really feel so important that we teach is self respect towards ourselves. I talk about self esteem, self respect, and self worth. Self esteem is kind of. We hear this all the time. Positive self esteem. Self esteem is really fickle. It's really based on what we feel other people's acceptance of us is. If we put all of our focus on having positive self esteem, it's just not a stable foundation. What is even more is self respect is respecting ourselves. And we do that by one understanding ourselves, but also separating ourselves from our body. In this day where so many pictures are flying around everywhere and social media kids posting their bodies all the time, they feel that their self respect and their self esteem is just tied to their body. We are so much more than just the body. However, if we can understand it and respect our body and believe that we are more than our body, think of the mental health implications, the positive direction that we can go if we have that positive self respect and we understand our body enough that we're not ignorant about it and just flaunting it around and using it as an ornament instead of an instrument. We have so much that we have to teach our kids. I just can't say this enough. And if you have more than one kid, it is so hard to consistently teach one the same as the next and the next. And then the end ones are just like running around amok doing whatever because you're so exhausted by the time you get to the end. So having a game plan, having a game plan and teaching the same content, having your values written down, These are all things that I'm trying to accomplish with the birthday suit, book, books and, and it is. I get emotional when I talk about it because parenting is so hard. It really is hard. And if we can get a little bit of help, take it, just take it. And like I said before, don't give up on our kids. Don't let your insecure, insecurities and past shame or experiences hold you back. If you don't respect your body, why is that? What work can you do to learn to love who you are and to have self respect for who you are? Then you can teach that to your kids.

Well, I would.

Journey is so valuable. Like, you know, oftentimes our, our kids reflect or mirror the same journey that we are on. Sometimes even escalated in an escalated version. And so I, I also want to emphasize what you said in is your journey, regardless of how it went, is so valuable to share that with your kids. They can learn so much and you can learn so much and there can be such a bond that is created when you can open up and share your journey with your kids. However it went well and I was.

Just going to add that, you know, I mean, to me, I, I was blessed to have an incredible mom. Both of our Stacy and our fathers died when we were very young. We both had incredible mothers. But my point there is my mother was a huge demonstration, you know, to me, not so much with words, but like you just said, man, I love that use our body as an instrument versus an ornament. That's incredible. Meaning my mother had great respect for her physical health and her presence. Again, that's the bot. You know, the body is the house of temples of soul. Right. I mean, so that's what's going to lead us into deeper places in our life. But typically most of us start with the body. Well, because that's, that's the Exterior package, if you will. But yeah, I mean, I find it interesting, parents that, that choose to say one thing and not demonstrate it. You correct me if I'm wrong. Mandy, you're the teacher. You're going to lose some credibility with your, with your children if you're not demonstrated. If there's not relevance and, and consistency between what you say and what you do.

Absolutely. Like, like a mom or dad that says, oh, I'm so fat, I look so ugly today. But you make sure you love your body and you be happy and be okay with your body. Like, how are we treating ourselves? They see that.

So, Mandy, in these last few minutes that we have together, can I put you on the spot for a moment? Oh, boy.

Okay.

How is it, I mean, what was the family like that you grew up in? Like, how did you gain such a love and respect for your body? So much so that you wanted to pass this along to all of us?

My parents did a great job. They, they had six kids and I was right in the middle. However, I mean, they, I did not feel comfortable going to them. Same as, same as you, Stacy. They, they taught me good, a lot of information. My dad was a, a doctor. He was a dentist. So like we, we had admiration for the body. I was also an athlete, which drove my desire to learn about the body more. And like the anatomy and physiology, it was fascinating to me. So I love studying that. I love the anatomy lab in college and, and you can study the body for 10, 20, 30, 40 years and everything that you study that whole time happens in a split second every day, your whole entire life. That is mind blowing and fascinating. So I loved learning about it and I guess I just saw it as not an off topic, taboo thing. And, and I really enjoyed just learning about it because it was, it was fascinating to me. But again, when I just saw what I wanted, what I didn't want to be, like when I saw those high school kids not wanting to talk to their parents, wanting to come to me, a stranger, a teacher in a classroom, and spend their whole entire lunch coming and telling me their whole story every day. I just knew I wanted my kids to do that with me. That was my main goal. It's great to have a mentor, but as a parent, you are the parent. You are the ones that can instill your values and your, your goals and ideals for your children. Like you. We just have such an important job as parents. Like I said, it is our job and our divine responsibility.

I absolutely agree. And, and may I suggest that, you know, we we embrace this idea of maybe encouraging no sex, right. But also having the conversation about what safe sex is, that those two things can run congruent because if they are going to choose to have sex, they can come to the parent. Wouldn't. Wouldn't you want that? I certainly would. I bet most parents do. But we've got to kick that door open in order to have that conversation available to us. And approaching it from your own personal experience would go such a long way to the initial opener, right. To say, hey, these are some things that I learned along my journey of, you know, exploring my body and having sex. I'd love to share them with you in hopes that they could be valuable tools to help you navigate this inevitable place that you too will have to embark on like it's a part of life.

As parents, if we could try to get away from don't have sex, it's bad, but if you do wear a condom instead of that, which is. Is so contradictory, like, don't do this, but if you do do this instead, if we could focus on teaching when is sex appropriate. And that's going to vary from family to family, but instead focusing on when is sex appropriate. Because it's beautiful, it's wonderful. It's an incredible process that our bodies go through. And that something you can share with somebody, that's wonderful and it's not bad. But when is it appropriate?

I have so many stories we could share about that.

Unfortunately.

You throw up the graphic of Mandy's beautiful book.

Share with us, Mandy. Where can people get a copy of this awesome resource with you?

Yeah, it says right there. You can get it on Amazon. I have many resources for parents on my website, thebirthdaysuitbooks.com I have parents who are. I'm continuing to interview parents and kids and they're sharing. Kids are sharing what they wish their parents did better, what their parents do well, what struggles are they afraid to tell their parents? So there's. I have lots of goodies that I'm trying to give parents to help them make it as easier, as easy as possible for them. But the book for sure, the Birthday Suit, Book one, it will hold your hand, which we need sometimes, especially in this topic. It will hold your hand and help you have a discussion at least once a year with each child and have the same discussion, same material each year. And book two will come out as soon as my kids will let me give me a little bit more time, but probably in about four months. Book two will come out for ages 10 through 18, but you can find me on Instagram and Facebook@thebirthdaysuitbooks.com where I'm just trying to inspire and help parents feel like they can do this, because we can. We can do hard things.

I love that. Yes, we can. Absolutely. And thank you, Mandy, so much for your time today and for taking the opportunity to share with us this valuable information that will definitely help our listeners. You betcha.

We'll have a happy holiday and we'll have you back when you have book two come out.

Yes. That's.

Love it.

Okay, thank you, guys.

You betcha.

Hi.

We're gonna go ahead and take a quick break and kind of let this kind of settle in, and then we'll be back for some Follow the Fun, give you some inspiration to create a little of fun and novelty in your life. We'll be right back. Hey, babe, did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching tv, and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other? And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards for Connection, because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and love and connection.

Yeah, you can get your cards@staceybartley.com want to hear something different from talk radio? Keep your dial on Alternative Talk 1150.

Welcome back. Welcome back. We're gonna step right into Follow the Fun. And you know what, relationships are hard. We just had a great conversation with Mandy about a particular part of the of the relationship journey that are hard. But if you love your partner, or excuse me, hopefully you do love your partner. But it can be difficult to stay connected when you're busy with life, work, and kids. And we all know that relationships need attention to thrive, but we often don't know what to say or how to make that first move.

Yeah. So conversation cards for Connection. They're a fun way for couples of any age or stage in their relationship to have meaningful conversations without the awkwardness of. Of not knowing what to talk about. They help us connect by asking questions that encourage open communication while making it easy for both partners to contribute equally. It's like having an instant couples counselor on hand whenever you need it to open up the conversations. And so today for our Follow the Fun moment, I'm just going to ask Tom as we did a few weeks ago, we're going to give a pack of these away through the holidays here each week until Christmas comes. It's our little Christmas gift to our listeners. So babe, go ahead and follow the card hard.

What smell brings back great memories for you? I'll tell you the smell. Stacy surprised me on my 60th birthday. I know I don't look that old, huh? We went to a winery, a small family winer. We stayed right on there and when we got into the sheets the first night, they had this most incredible fragrance to them. And I can take myself right back in there. I was so excited. This is something I've asked Ace to do. Take me to a winery and I want to be right on the winery and look up and look right at the vines.

And what's the smell, honey?

It was lavender.

Yeah, that's Tommy's favorite.

I know. Now it's just like oh my gosh. So there you go.

My favorite scent is walking into my grandparents house. They had a farm and I love to be on the farm and feed the animals etc and every time I'd walk into their house it was filled with the incredible aroma of coffee. And so even to this day when I smell coffee it always takes me back to as a kid walking into my grandparents house. You know, the farm, the animals, the horses, all of that. It's an incredible experience.

So do we need to have our awesome engineer pick a number for our giveaway today?

Yes, we do actually we need a number from 1 to 100. Eric, what do you got for us today?

Oh wow.

I'm always caught off guard by this. I don't know why I should be in the habit now of picking the numbers.

Well and Eric, guess what? I just want to tell you we're going to do this next week too.

So be prepared. Okay?

Well I will be prepared but it is the holiday season so let's go with 25 for December 25th or Christmas.

We'll give up part of the part of the email address and we'll reach out.

Okay, it's Yankee. It's Yankee F. It's Yankee fan ec.

Okay, we'll reach out to you. You have one a deck of our conversation cards for connection. And guess what, get on the fun list because we we typically in a normal month, if there is such a thing, we do a giveaway the first Thursday of every month but because it's.

Christmas, we want to give away.

So we will reach out to you and we'll ask you for your shipping address. And we will ship a box of cards to you on us. And happy holidays.

Congratulations, Yankee fan.

So what are we feeling today, Mrs. Bartley, as we land this?

Well, I. I do love to talk about the feel part, you know, as we had talked about, about, you know, sex and our bodies. You know, that's the physical attributes of life that we know it. And we typically live lives through this physical, logical, informational, educational place inside of ourselves. But I do want to remind us all that there is an emotional side to our bodies and our lives here as well. We have a physical body, we have an emotional body. And for this reason, we inject a feel it, a can you feel it moment. And there's nothing like music that can take us there to the feeling place within side of us. And the song that we chose today actually comes from our guest guest Mandy Nuttall. And the song that she chose today, you have absolutely gotta check this out. It's so beautiful. It's probably gonna bring tears to your eyes. It's called In My Arms by Plum. This is a beautiful song that talks about parenting and how we hold these babies in our arms and they grow up and they become people. It's such a perfect fit for our conversation today. So thanks again, Mandy, for helping us select this song. We're happy to showcase it here. You can find this song along with all the songs for each of the episodes that we've done for all 62 at our. Or you can go to Spotify. We have a Love Shack playlist that you can search up and you can hear our playlist made just for you from the conversations that we have right here in the Love Shack.

Absolutely. Well, that's it for this week on Inside the Love Shack.

And.

And you know what, ladies and gentlemen, what we talked about today with Mandy, let's just be honest. That's. That's a difficult conversation. Let's say perhaps maybe we haven't done it in. In the ideal manner between between, say, ages 1 and 9 or maybe even between 1 and 18. But you know what? It's never too late. My point there in sharing that is this is what Stacy and I really, really pride ourselves in, working with our private clients is sometimes some additional arms around you, if you will, some additional structure and safety. And that's what we do. We help people have all types of conversations perhaps they've wanted to have. And we do that locally in our office. And guess what? We are privileged and blessed to work with people all over the world via Zoom. So if you're needing Some help out, some support in a very objective, neutral manner. We don't take sides. We simply help you take your next best steps. Please reach out to us because really, we're privileged and honored to be of service to people that we work with.

Yeah. And if there's something that you have questions about this episode or previous episodes. Right. Reach out to us. We are here to have the conversations that help and support you the most in life. As Mandy said, you know, living life, the busyness of life, being a parent, creating a relationship with ourselves and heck, each other, those are all places where we can stumble, and that's okay. But there is support and help available. And so if you need some of that reach out to us. We are here. That's why we do the work.

And I would say what we tend to do, again, no judgment, I mean, myself included, is we, we put it off and we, we let other things take priority. But at the we get to the end of our road, typically, most of our regret is around the relational side of life. So I say let's be proactive and step in. And we would be on honor to be of service to you.

Yeah. It's been such a great experience to be here together with Mandy Nuttall inside of the Love Shack. A special thank you to her for being here. We want to invite you to come on back next week and join us as we continue to share additional ways for you to improve your sex, love and relationships. We are Tom and Stacy Bartley. We're the host of Love Shack Live together with our incredible engineer, Eric Reiter. Thank you so much for being here and spending some time with us inside of the Love Shack. Happy holidays, everyone. Make sure that you check out Mandy's book. It's going to be incredible. You're going to get a lot of help and support with these kinds of conversations. And heck, if you need this conversation for yourself, check it out.

See you next week.

Bye bye for now.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.