#72: [Part Two] The Secrets to Amazing Communication in Relationships

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations, and uncover mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influences our relationship. This espiso. Espisode.

Oh, boy.

Honey. Okay, I got to slow down. This episode is number 72. It's a part two of the Secrets of Amazing Communication and Relationships. And we're stepping into this conversation because the reality is most couples find communication to be one of the biggest challenges in their relationships. And it's true, without effective communication, couples can quickly find themselves in a hot, hot mess. However, I want to reassure you that after learning some proper communication skills, it is 100% for couples to maintain healthy and happy, thriving relationships for the long haul. This is one of the things that we are so passionate about helping couples do because if we can help you through the difficult conversations and communications of life, you can do it for the rest of your life.

Absolutely. Welcome everyone. Great to have you here. Today in the Love Shack, we will be exploring the secrets to amazing communication relationships. And you're going to learn how to effectively communicate with your partner and how to resolve conflicts. Let's just be honest. As much as the story likes to tell us, we, we have conflicts and there's nothing wrong with that. That's part of the journey and we're going to be sharing some of our best community. Excuse me, here I go again. Communication frameworks. Must be something with that tongue.

We're a little rusty.

Yeah, we are. Great to be back with you. We were a little bit under the weather last week that up until now we've only shared with our VIP clients. So we would really ask you to, you know, gift yourself some time and attention here. Our goal is to really, really give, equip you with some things that are going to help change your communication life.

We're Tom and Stacy Bartley. For those of you who are new to the show, welcome and we are here to help and support committed couples create long lasting love without having to spend hours analyzing their past, beating themselves up. We gotta stop that and feeling like that they're making no progress. We do this via sharing our unique frameworks. We teach new skills and tools and we do this with one on one sessions as well as through our signature courses of relationship rescue and love for a lifetime. It's great to be here with you today. And so it is true, it is imperative for us to improve our communications. After doing hundreds of surveys, literally without question, communication is cited as the number one experience or problem couples cite in their relationship as why the relationship is breaking down.

So absolutely. So it's obvious. It's imperative for couples to be able to communicate openly and truly what is going on in their lives. Otherwise they will find themselves in a pattern of constant miscommunication and constant misunderstanding.

Which is a hot, hot mess. Yeah. So if you've ever wanted some powerful fill in the blank frameworks that are guaranteed to help you say what can often be so hard to say. This is an episode that you don't want to miss. If you're struggling with communicating effectively with your partner, your loved ones, and want love in your life to stick around and know how to recreate it and rebuild it, then stay with us. We're going to take a short break and we are going to come back and jump right into those fill in the blank communication frameworks. Stay with us.

I met Stacy and Tom about two years ago. I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless. I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success with Stacy and Tom's methods. I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit holing. I was separated from my wife for a year and I have since moved back home for the last six months. Now. I still refer back to a lot of the teaching it's Stacy and Tom provided and it's helped me. It's well worth it.

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Welcome back, everyone. We're Tom and Stacey Bartley. Inside the Love Shack. Episode 72.

We're gonna.

72, 72. Great to have you here. Where he are. Also at the. At the control spaceship KKNW is our. Our awesome engineer, Eric Ryder. Great to have you with us. And we're going to be talking about communication. And I just would ask if you know someone in your circle of influence that's struggling in communication. And I don't think we need to go too far to maybe think of someone that please share this show with them, you know, because I. We are, we're going to give you some really, really awesome things today.

Yeah. In order for couples to maintain the health and vitality of their relationships, we intuitively know that communication is at the core and at the heart of it. And when we talk to couples, we're typically trying to address the conversation that goes something like this. You know, we used to be so good together. We used to have such a great time. We used to have fun. I couldn't think of anybody that I wanted to be with. And now we can't stand to be in the same room together. We can't seem to talk about anything without fighting. And I'm so exhausted from the fighting, I don't know what else to do. That's a very common conversation that shows up in our doors. And first of all, I just want to normalize this. Like, if we don't understand the ins and outs about communication and everything that's at play, it's very, very common and normal for us to find ourselves at some point in time here in our relationships where we have difficult things that are starting to pop up in our lives and in our relationships. And quite frankly, we don't know how to talk about it. In fact, what we have been taught to do is to say we don't talk about it. Like, just try and manage it on your own. Try and squelch it, push it down. You know, get busy doing the tasks that you think please your partner.

Or there's the good old silent Treatment.

Well, that's when we step into like trying to now get frustrated and I'm punishing myself or my partner. I want to just highlight here, right? Our tendency as a human being is to go to a place of the silent treatment or pushing away or making somebody pay by sleeping on the couch, etc. And these are all places where we try and isolate them or punish them. And I want you to understand that isolation is just that it's for punishment and torture. Ugh. I know, but it really is, it's an effective form of letting you know I'm really upset and I'm really right not okay with the way that things are going. And I push you away because I don't know how to say that. I don't know how to say I've had enough. I don't know how to say I can't do this anymore. I don't know how to say many of the things that I'm feeling. And so instead what I do is I push you away, typically or, and, or I collapse, which means I run away, right? So people say, oh, I'm such a runner. In fact, there's even a movie, Runaway Bride, right? That's collapse, right? Control is when I am going to push you away. I'm going to make you pay, right? I'm going to not really say what I need to say, but I'm going to give you a hint that I'm not happy. And I do that by slamming the doors. I get that by ignoring you. I get, I do that by rolling my eyes. There's all kinds of ways that we try and say what it is we want to say without saying anything but just then in the end creating exactly what it is we don't want. Now I want you to understand also that as we dive into today's show, this is a two part series. The first one we did a couple of weeks ago and that's episode number 69. And if you haven't listened to number 69, I'm going to invite you that when you're done today, listening to today's show, make sure that you go back and you listen to number 69. And here's why. It's because communication includes our human navigation system. And you're going to go, what's that, Stace? It is a reality that we have in the emotional body and we have a physical body, the emotional body we spend a tremendous amount of time talking about because nobody does. We need to understand how it works, how to regulate it, navigate it, work with it and how to communicate about it. In fact, I would even suggest for you to think back about how it is you found yourself in this relationship in the first place. And I'm going to guarantee you a million bucks that it's because you were able to share yourself emotionally with this partner that then you fooled around and fell in love with. You were sharing about you, about what you wanted, about your hopes and dreams for the future, about what was valuable to you, what was important to you, and you got a whole lot of, oh, wow, I love that. Oh, wow, you too. Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.

And I would just point out everything that Stacy just described. Would that be a logical conversation or would that be a conversation filled with a lot of feeling and emotion?

It's always feeling and emotion. And if you're married by chance, think about the emotional highs and lows of that incredible day when it's an incredible day and people are saying, oh, I just want to get back to the way I felt when my. When I got married on my wedding day. What are you saying? You're saying the emotional high I felt and how much I loved you and how much I cared, how much I felt like we were in this together.

All of the incredible, important people that were there to share that moment with you, none of that is logic based. So the what Stacy shared, if I hear you correctly, babe, is it's all about feeling. It's all about the emotional side. If we're communicating with our loved one, our special someone, it's all the feeling side of life.

And that's what love is. That's what we long for. When somebody says, I just want deeper connection in my relationship, what you're really saying, unbeknownst to you, probably is I want to feel more emotionally connected to my person. And we can't get there through logic. We have to get there through learning how to regulate, understand, translate my emotions into a language that first we can understand. And that's what episode 69 is all about. It's about talking about the emotional aspect of communication.

And for those of us that are very left brain. And I can tell you, ladies and gentlemen, there's probably no one more left brain than yours truly. So I'm going to encourage you. I love the quote, and I'll need to say what I love to share it. I'm not sure who's who, who said it. The longest journey any of us take is the 18 inches between our head and our heart.

I also feel inspired to say it's very common and normal for a very emotional person like me to connect with a very logical person like him, and vice versa. Like, we look at each other, look at me, and we go, oh, my gosh, you're so good at, like, creating that foundation and keeping it all together and taking care of all the tasks and the logistics. Oh, my gosh, I love you.

Share, everyone. Babe, what my nickname is for our relationship radar.

And he looks at me and what do you say? Oh, my gosh, babe.

That big picture. Stace is a huge dreamer and thinker. I mean, so all kidding aside, look, there's a perfect place to leverage off of each other. But the bottom line is here. Please help. Let us help you understand that we're not going to get there logically. We're going to give you some very, very sound frameworks. But again, encourage you highly if you've not listened to episode 69, because we're not going to get there until we can understand the thing that connects us between our special someone is the feeling side. In love relationships, it's all about feeling. And again, not that you don't need both, but how do we put words around what it is we're feeling?

Yeah, absolutely. And that's what we're going to give you today, is the part two piece. We're going to give you the physical side. Right? The physical side. If this is how you say it, these are the words. We've got some great metaphors that we're going to share with you with some fill in the blank ways. Say that. Like this. Say these words. This is how you want to set it up. This is how you want to stack it. But listen, you're not going to use these frameworks if you're emotionally pressed and you don't know how to regulate the emotional piece. Which is why I say, okay, this is part two. If you don't know part one, then go back and listen to it after we have this conversation. Because the reality is, the majority of the work that we do is, is on the emotional side. That's the part that we haven't been taught a lot about. That's the part that we haven't had a lot of practice and experience in. And so unless we can get that piece working, it's really difficult to bring in the logical side, because the logical side you're going to toss out the minute that you're emotionally pressed against the wall. And the point that I wanted to make about me being emotional and Tom being more logical is that's a very common pairing. And the thing that made you fall in love in the first place is going to end up being the nemesis in your relationship later down the road. Right. Because you're going to start to feel like they don't get me, they don't understand me. They don't understand where I'm coming from. Right.

And, and in fairness, you correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe we're probably going to always air on where we're kind of most comfortable. Right.

Oh, you're going to go to what's.

Most a hot mess. I'm going to go to the logical side of my life, and Stacy is going to go to the. Tell me how you feel. Right. Right. So that's just how it goes.

Yes.

So that's okay. Right. Don't worry. There's no pair that can't be more masterful. It doesn't matter. However you fall on the side. Bottom line is this is key. Out of thousands of surveys and thousands of people that have responded to our various ways to get them into our body of work, communication, by far and away, not even close, has always been the number one challenge.

Well, and, and, and there's a reason for that. So let's start this communication framework, part two, shall we?

Yeah.

And I want to start. I want to start this conversation by impressing upon you this communication is for understanding, period. Like, big, hard period right there. It's not about judgment. It's not about criticism. It's not about blame. It's not about shame. It's not about undermining. It's not about gathering evidence. All of that is manipulation and leverage, which we are going to talk about at another time and have talked about in previous episodes. If you want to go find it, There's a whole episode dedicated to manipulation. What I need you to understand is true communication, authentic communication for lovers is all about understanding because there are so many different perspectives and emotions that are playing out here. And just like you did in the beginning, you talked about the way you feel about who you feel like or sense you are, and it's a very emotional journey. And that's what connected you and brought you to this place in your relationship in the first place. And that's the first thing to go when we start having problems. And then our relationships become all about the logistics. Did you pay that bill? Did you take out the trash? Are you going to pick up the kids today? Hey, did you get the. The flights booked for our summer vacation?

And would you say, babe, that. Do you think sometimes people, when you say understanding, communication is all about understanding. Is there something maybe that we're fearful if we understand someone and then we would be. We. We would lose our position if we will, we would be agreeing with them and we've lost how it is that we stand on that particular situation or incident or matter.

Absolutely. In fact, I want you to understand that your perspective and the way you feel about something is not contagious. That if you suspend it for a minute or just set it down right, you know that you've got it within you and all you're going to do is suspend it for a moment to listen to the other person and hear what it is they have to say. And by that right, you have all the cards. You understand where you are and now you understand where they are. And problem solving or finding solutions or a way through becomes so much easier. As a mediator, that's the first goal in the room. It doesn't matter if I'm talking to one other individual or I'm talking about five individuals in the room. My first goal is to understand the perspective from each and every person, where they're coming from, what they're struggling with, what they want to see happen out of this. Because then I'm armed with all the information I need in order to find a solution that will work for the whole. And that's true for our relationships, right? If I bang on or fight for or push my own personal agenda, I'm negating one side of my relationship. It's really easy to do what I want to do and live by my own perspective as a single person. But you're not a single person anymore. You're in a relationship. And by nature of that relationship, you have to consider the other person's perspective. Now, what we tend to do here is make up what we think their perspective is, which is really faulty on our part. The reality is you don't know what their perspective is unless they tell you what it is because they have access to intel you don't have. Which means my internal world, we call it in my body of work, our internal movie. That internal movie is unique to me. It's my navigation system. It's my emotional messaging. And there's no way in a million years you're going to be able to decide what they're thinking or what they're feeling unless you ask them and allow them to share.

And I would say what we typically find, and myself included, is most of us think that everyone is at our movie. And guess what? Hate to be the bearer of bad news is we're the only one at our movie.

And so this is where communication starts to go awry. The minute something difficult happens and you don't know how to share about it, I tend to sit on it and I wait. And what ends up happening is then I can't take it anymore. And I'm going to resort to one of those wonderful options that we know and have been taught intuitively and physically, where I control and rip your face off, or I collapse into a puddle of tears because you just don't get me. And I can't take this anymore, okay? And that's usually the way we handle it. So then we come back together, we fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, trying to push our agendas, and there's no understanding about your own perspective, let alone allowing the space and permission for your partner to share as well.

And I've got exciting new. Guess what the answer is. A sandwich? Yeah, it's a communication sandwich. For real. Honest to God, it's a communication sandwich. And we use that metaphor because we've not found someone that can't get their arms around.

And just like a sandwich, you know, you can make it in lots of different ways and put lots of different things on it. If you have some baseline ingredients, which is bread, probably a little sauce, you know, I think everybody likes a little. Even if it's like a little salt and pepper, then you've got, you know, probably your meat or your vegetables right on top of it, and then you put the second piece of bread on top of it. So I want you to understand that the physical side of. How do you say it now that you've got your emotional side working is like this. And that's what we're going to dive into today, babe, is just building a communication sandwich.

Okay? So if you're listening, you're driving, whatever, just again, get your arms metaphorically around that Again, you can substitute whatever, but there's some pretty common denominators around how someone builds their own personal sandwich.

Now, it just isn't a sandwich. It doesn't work so well unless you got the bread or some of us have gone to a wrap. But something to kind of hold it all together, right?

You need something to get your arms around there and grab a bite of it.

Yes, absolutely. And nothing could be more true than when we're stepping in to have a very difficult conversation. So the bread that holds it all together, that makes it all gel, regardless of what's in the middle, is a little piece we call fairy dust. Now, fairy dust is the bread because it's going to keep everybody engaged. It's going to remind everybody, including yourself, why it is we're trying to solve this problem again and why. What is this all about? It's the thing that brings us all together. And don't worry, I'm just going to walk you through the components of the sandwich and then we're going to come back and we're going to do a deep dive into each and every piece. But fairy dust is essentially setting it up so that one, we can lower the defenses as much as possible. And then on the backside, which is the second piece of bread, letting people know that we really appreciate the attempt that's been made to take this conversation wherever it took us.

And I will just, I would just add right now, if you forget everything that we've shared and we're going to give you a lot here, don't forget the fairy dust because you can mess up everything in the middle of the sandwich, but if you get the fairy dust and share honestly and heartfeltly, you're going to be okay.

Yeah, you're going to be okay. It really is the thing that holds it all together. Okay? And, and the guts of the sandwich can get all disheveled and fall apart. You know, it can. It can be a hot, hot mess even. But as long as you got the bread, as long as you've got the fairy dust to kind of keep it all together, you're going to be okay.

So before you say you guys have really lost it, maybe that little time away was like, I don't know what you were doing over there, honey. What is, what the heck is fairy dust real? And how does it work?

It's fairy dust is this. It's based on the human behavior principle that at the end of the day, we all need three things. And for some of our regular listeners, this is going to be a repeat. But we can never be reminded enough of how important fairy dust is. I call it fairy dust because you're gonn remember it right? And because you're going to remember these principles whenever you get stuck, man, it's a great time to sprinkle some fairy dust. It's the need inside of all of us as a human being to feel heard, right? So this is where it's important for us to listen on the other side. And it's also important for us to express how we feel because we need to feel heard. That's so important. You don't have to agree with me, but if you, if I see that you understand what I'm saying it makes all the difference to me in the world. The second piece of fairy dust is appreciation. Let's be honest. Relationships take a lot of work. They take a lot of focus, they take a lot of intention. And we all do. I truly believe this. Do the very best we know how, and we won't do better until we know what to do instead of what we know to do. And I know that sounds like a tongue twister, but it's really true. And so here I am, I'm. I'm working my fanny off, like I know you are. You're working your fanny off to do your best you can for the people that you love and for your families. You know, you're paying the bills, you're earning the money, you're cleaning the house, you're taking care of the kids, you're doing the laundry. You know, you're trying to look sexy and handsome and beautiful in the process, right? You're trying to develop yourself as best you can, and nobody seems to see it. And so then it gets exhausting and we kind of give up. So appreciation is huge. Even though sometimes we're going through a difficult time, being appreciated for what you see your partner doing is huge. We're oftentimes kinder to our employees and to our neighbors and to the people in our community than we are to the people that live within the walls of our own home. And that's got to stop, okay? This person inside of the walls of your own home, it's got to be important to you, and they have to be appreciated, even though they might be making a mess right now. And that goes for you, too. And the third piece and component of Fairy dust is to feel like it all matters, like it's all for something. Because our greatest fear is that I do all of this. I invest all of this emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially. And it doesn't mean anything to you. I don't mean anything to you. This relationship, this family, this situation that we're in doesn't mean anything to you. And so knowing those three things that we're all really fighting for, those three things at the end of the day really gives us a leg up. And that's why fairy dust becomes the bread for our communication sandwich. Because if we can remember those things, I can go there, which is going to hold us all together. So every conversation that's difficult is started and ends with fairy dust. It's the bread to our sandwich.

So give us some examples, babe, of what that might sound like specifically in a sequence of words. What would that sound like? So if I'm setting up, getting ready. Okay, you say okay, Tom and Stacy, I hear you. I understand. I kind of got to spread some fairy dust. I'm stepping into a conversation I've wanted to have for a long time, and I can't. How would I. How would I lead off with some fairy dust?

So I would say, you know what, Tom? I've got some things that are kind of difficult for me to say that I want to share with you. But before I get started, I want you to know I love you. You matter to me. This relationship matters to me. And I'm bringing this up because I feel like it's something we need to address in our relationship so that things can. Can go better, things can improve between us. Right? Are you game?

Yes.

That's an example of fairy dust. I just told him he matters to me. And I also have told him that this is challenging for me, and that's okay. But I'm doing this because I care, because I love you, because I want this to go well.

So these might be things like, I want you to know I love you. This relationship is important to me. I appreciate you and all you do. Thank you for hearing me out. You matter to me. I want you to. Excuse me. I want to hear what you have to say as well.

So that might sound like, you know, sweetie, I've got some things that I want to bring to the table, and if you could just hear me out, I'd really appreciate that. And I'm bringing this to the table because I love you and because I care about our relationship and I care about you, and I so appreciate everything that we're trying to do here. And after I've had my time to say what I need to say, I want to hear what you have to say, too. Now, as you're listening to our words, most of you are listening to us auditorily. I want you to just tune in right now to the emotional aspect that we spend a little bit of time setting up here today. Notice how you just relax when we have the conversation that typically goes something like this with no fairy dust. Hey, you know what? We gotta talk. When are you gonna find some time to talk? That's like, oh, okay. Immediate defenses go up. I start to pull back. My head starts to run about all the things that it could be, oh, my gosh, where did I screw up now? Right? And. And it sends me in this place where I'm reeling before the conversation even starts. And that's the beauty of the bread. That's the beauty of fairy dust, is it helps me go, oh, okay, I can let go. I can breathe easy.

And I would say you're. You're combining the physiological. How we're wired. I mean, let's just be honest. I mean, it's kind of like getting excited to get up and knowing that on that day, you have a root canal. I mean, literally, who is. So why not set it up for success on the front side? Again, we, Stacy and I, you'll hear us say this over and over. We cannot punish the pain out of anyone, including ourselves. So why don't we set it up knowing how we're wired? You know, so if you spread this authentically and heartfeltly, it's going to be a game changer.

Yeah. In fact, I've even had couples spread some fairy dust, and. And the person goes, wow. Like, is there something I need to know? No, the only thing you need to know is that we have some things that I want to share with you. And. And I love you, you know? Are you. Are you in? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Can we have dinner first? Yeah, sure. We can have dinner first. It like. It's like this game changer where everybody can exhale, and it's like, okay, we're in this together. Remember, we care about each other. And I just want to highlight here, the reason why we get mad and frustrated and exhausted and angry is because we care, because we want this to go well. And sometimes in the emotion of feeling frustrated. Right. Ticked off, don't know what to do, emotionally exhausted, we forget about the fact that we do care. And I want to just really highlight this here, and that's why fairy dust is so effective, is if we remember that we care. And that's why I'm upset in the first place, Disclose that you care, because you know what? That's going to make a world of difference, an absolute world of difference. And you know, babe, when we were prepping for the show, you had said, yeah, but, babe, what if I don't care? What if I've gotten to a place where I realize I don't care through this conversation and I say, great, because then if you don't care and you're trying to solve a problem in your relationship, then that means you're living illusion and pretend.

So, again, these same. All these same ways to build that sandwich around that conversation, that is, I would absolutely confirm, is going to be difficult. It doesn't. None of it's taken away. So one way or the other, whether you finally have realized, you know what? I don't want to be here. That's okay. Again, you're going to arrive at your own next best step. The important thing is to not pretend. Like we say, pretending and hoping it goes away is not a good strategy.

Well, it's all going to get vetted out in the end.

Stacy's mom used to say it all shakes out in the wash.

It does. You wash it a few times, it all comes out okay.

So again, can overemphasize fairy dust. Dust. And the start of it, fairy dust. You know, it's the top and the bottom two pieces of the sandwich. Okay.

Holds it all together.

So let's go through the other pieces of the sandwich. Then we're going to come back to the very first part and give you some really, really good takeaways.

Yeah. The second, the guts of the sandwich are these. I call them the four Cs. And the four Cs are this. The very first one is if you're the one that's wanting to talk. Right. You're the one that's wanting to have the conversation, then it's on you to establish the bread and then to step into what I call. Call it out. That's the first C. Call it out. Literally, it's so much easier for us to lay on the table what it is that's not working for you. And it's important for you to turn this into. This is an experience that you're having emotionally. Right. This is where I am. This is what's coming up for me.

We want to say around I versus you. We're going to come back to that and give you some really, really, you know, specific things that you can use for this part. We're going to go first to go through the other part.

Here's the guts of the sandwich. Call it out is a place where you open up the conversation. The second C is commingle our differences. This is the place where you've opened up the conversation and now you're going to listen because your partner is going to have a whole world, a whole perspective, a whole experience is going to pop up because of what you've just said, because of what you've just disclosed. And at this point in time, when you've said what you've wanted to say and call it out now the tables turn and you're going to listen to what it is your partner has coming up here and commingle our differences. And the reality is, the majority of our conversations, they come about navigating these Two places, they come about right here. Because then what happens is once your partner shares, then you're going to have some things that come up and some thoughts and ideas that you want to share, okay? And so commingle our differences and call it out. The only difference between the two is one is opening the conversation, and the other one is responding to what is said. And then I'm going to respond to what is said, and you're going to respond to what is said, and vice versa. And on it goes until we get to the third circle. The third C is claim a spot. Now, I can guarantee you that through the course of the communication, one of two things is going to happen. Okay? The first is I'm going to find myself in a place where I can no longer continue the conversation. I'm recognizing and realizing that emotionally, I am turning into a hot mess. I'm starting to get upset. I'm starting to say things I don't mean. I'm starting to try and plan my escape and. And. Or I'm noticing I'm not even listening to you anymore. Like, I have left the building. And when you notice that the greatest gift you can give to yourself and to your partner is to literally claim a spot by creating a pause, and you can do that simply by saying, hey, you know what? I'm a hot mess right now. I've got to take a pause and come back to this. Like, I'm not listening. I'm not present. I'm starting to get really upset. I don't know what to do. I'm going to tap out. This is a place where you get to tap out. This is also starting to dispel the myth and the idea that perhaps, maybe you carry that. We have to get through this, right? Some of the worst advice on the planet is don't ever go to bed mad. That is horrible advice. Please go to bed mad. Please give yourself some time to cool down. Please allow yourself some time to digest what's going on for you and what it is you want to say next time around. And I want to paint the idea that making a sandwich doesn't just happen one time in your life. It happens over and over and over again, and so do conversations. In fact, if things are challenging, it might take us 10, 20, 50 rounds of having a conversation about the same topic until we find a place to do the second option and claim your spot, which is we find a place that we want to navigate and move towards together. We claim a spot by saying, that makes sense. I'm on Board, let's do that. And we claim a spot together.

And I would just add, we often hear, well, people say, yeah, no, I, I'm good at. I'll say, I need to take a. I need to take a rain check on this. But what most people don't do is they don't agree. You need to agree upon when you're going to be revisiting this conversation. It tends to kind of just be conveniently, like, brushed aside. And guess what? Then we never revisit with it.

Well, that brings us to the fourth C, which is always, always, always continue the conversation. Always. That's your goal, that's your job. And that is, we don't just brush this under the rug. We don't just put it in the closet. When we claim a spot for ourselves, it's important for us to continue the conversation by saying, hey, you know, I need until tomorrow night at dinner. And then after we put the kids to bed, we're going to come back and have this conversation. Or, hey, you know what? Let me take some time to think about this, and we'll continue this conversation again tomorrow morning. Offer coffee, declare and claim a time. Remember, it's claim your spot, not avoid your spot, not bury your spot, not pretend like it doesn't exist. And that reassures the person that you're going to come back around to this conversation. That is such a huge problem in communication between couples because we don't know how to talk about things. We want to bury them and pretend like they never come up, up again.

Well, and I would just, just, you know, challenge you just think about, has there anything positive that's come out of. Is when you have avoided continuing the conversation? No.

And when the conversation breaks down and you don't bring it back up around. Right. That means that we've got a bigger problem because then nobody's talking.

Right.

And that means that the emotional connection between the two of you are atrophying. And that means that both people are making up a whole lot about what this means about your relationship and about yourselves individually and about the person that you love. And you're not vetting any of that out through communication and conversation. So then you start to build on that as though your thinking, your assumptions are the truth. And that's how you go from being, you're my soulmate, I'm madly in love with you, to how the heck did we get here? That's exactly how it happens. Right? So we want to continue the conversation always. That's the goal. Because we can get through anything, as long as the conversation continues.

And the fastest way to create the momentum that, you know, I can understand something like, gosh, I'm in a good flow. But I. There's no way I. I can see myself or ourselves getting through this. You know, agree to a time you're going to revisit it, and then the fastest way to create that new momentum of what you just lost or, you know, you've left is spread that fairy dust fast and fast.

That's the other piece of the bread. So there's your guts. Right. Call it out. Commingle your differences, Claim your spot. You might need to do that individually. Also. This can play out like, man, my part. I've just disclosed some things, but I can tell my partner's not present with me. It's okay to say, hey, do you need to take some time to think about what we're talking about here? Do you need to take a break? Yeah, I do. I often find that this is what happens between Tom and I, you know, because I'm more. Much more comfortable in the emotional realm. Right. Sometimes it takes Tom some time alone, processing his thoughts and his emotions. And so I'll say, hey, do you need to take some time to think about what we're talking about here? Right. Because. And that's how he does it is on his own terms, in his own place, on his own time frame. And that's totally okay. Hey, do you need to take some time to think about this? Okay, can we resume this conversation tomorrow morning over coffee? Great. I love it.

And I can assure you there's no brushing off. It's put down on the calendar. I can remember when we first came together. Are we done now, honey? No, we're not done now.

Okay.

So anyway, well.

And Tom will regulate me, too, and say, honey, you're getting really heated. I think you need to stop right now. I think. I think your emotions are running away with you. Why don't you take some time to really get clear about what it is that's upsetting you, and then we'll pick this back up tomorrow morning over coffee. And so you start to see where this is. This is where we can utilize each other's strengths and weaknesses and relationships, rely on each other through our communication process. If we can talk openly and honestly about where we are emotionally and not take it personal. Okay, again, not taking it personal. Right. And emotionally regulating is all about the previous conversation we had about communication. So then we put the other piece of bread on it, and that piece of bread sounds something like this. That's fairy dust, by the way. And fairy dust sounds something like. You know, I know this conversation was really hard, right? And maybe we didn't get it all figured out in this one conversation, but thank you so much for attempting to have this conversation with me. Now, if the goal is to continue the conversation, would you be more readily to come back and continue the conversation if somebody said something like that to you versus oh, great, so I'm just supposed to be okay with what it is you said? No, you're probably not going to want to come back and have the conversation with something like that or.

That was the silliest thing I've ever heard in my life.

How could you go there and think like that? Like, oh, man, that's so dumb. Okay, now you can start to see why it is we avoid continuing the conversation because we don't feel like we're making any progress and you're not. Again, you're playing the game of not understanding through communication and recognizing and realizing that everybody has a contribution in. In a relationship. And instead, you're resorting to what we've been taught to do. No blame and shame in it. But that's manipulation. That's leverage.

Well, and I would just remind you, those say same three things at the end of the day that Stacy and I, we only know this be and feel so strongly because of all the people we've been blessed and honored to work with is those same requirements, those safe same three things we're all needing and wanting as human beings are there at the end of that conversation as they were at the front. That's why you want to spread that fairy dust again. Again.

Absolutely. Hey, this was really hard. I had a really difficult time. Right. And I know I lost my. My, you know, I turned into a hot mess in the middle of it. And. And I just want you to know, thank you so much for hearing me out or taking the time or being here to attempt to have this conversation that will go so far in making sure that tomorrow morning at coffee, we sit down and we have it again. And it makes me feel better as I step away because I didn't turn into a version of myself that's more like a monster. I remember a client here recently just said, I really need your help because every time I step into communication with my partner, I turn into a monster. I turn into a version of myself I can't stand. And that's so true for so many of us when we have so much that has been backlogged, I call It Emotional constipation and coupled with the fact that we don't know how to approach the conversation and ensure that it goes well and. Or when to tap out of that conversation when maybe I need to claim a spot because myself or my partner or both of us are in a place where it's not going well. I want you to understand, and I just want to put an exclamation point on this as we begin to wrap up this conversation today. It is so much far better for you to pause and tap out and come back around to the conversation than it is to escalate it and fight. You buy a ticket to a land that is disastrous and destructive. And I want you to see that that is happening with uncanny precision. Every time we go to blows, we find ourselves in the place of breakdown. More breakdown, more despair. Instead of feeling like we're making progress. And it's because we keep thinking we're going to approach it through this place of fighting and leveraging and manipulation. And there's not that understanding, right? There's not that remembering that we care and that we trust and know there is a solution in this for us. And it's going to literally be a hybrid of a little piece of me and a little piece of you. Right? And there's a thousand different ways it can go, but we will never be able to find that solution if we're not really focusing on the understanding piece to be good.

So as we start to land this episode. Babe. Give it. Give us some. Some concrete things that we can add to the end. So we've spread some fairy dust at the beginning of this conversation. We're gonna. Now we stepped into the first sheet. We're gonna call it out. So what. What would some of those. You know, what would that sound like? You know, like, I'm not sure how to start this. This. This place that I'm feeling uncomfortable. What would that. What would that. What would that say? How would that sound like? So give me. Give us some things that we can add.

Well, let's. Let's just do a quick review if we could. Right? Let's. Let's remember fairy dust on the front side. That means I want to feel heard. I want to feel appreciated. I want to feel like this matters.

Okay?

Remind yourself by saying it. Remind your partner that they, too, matter. And that's why you're here, because you care. And then we start into the guts of the sandwich, which is call it out. And call it out. Can sound like, I'm feeling. I am wanting. I'm sensing. It seems like to me, it looks like to me, it feels like to me. And this is how I'm going to open up the conversation. And when I've filled in that blank. Right. I'm feeling like, right, Tom, you and I are not spending enough time together recently. Right. And now I'd like to hear what you have to say about it. That's where you step into number two, which is, do you feel like we're not as connected as we once were and that we need to spend some time together? Tell me about that. And this is where I really need to listen. And listening, by the way, is not passive. That's hearing. Right. Listening is something that I actively do. I'm wanting to hear what it is you have to say about this because I know there's some gems in there that are going to help us. Right. Do number three, which is claim our spot. Now, again, communication goes back and forth between commingle. Right. And claim my spot. The only. Or call it out. The only difference between the two is call it out is the person who's opening up the conversation and the person who's commingling in number two is the person who has some thoughts and feelings that are also needing to be accounted for in the communication. And then one or two things is going to happen. You're going to find yourself in a place where you're frustrated, you can't continue, you're turning into a hot mess. Or the two of you, by process of one and two, find a place where it's like, yeah, you're right, babe, we haven't been spending enough time together. How about if we take a drive on Sunday and we'll go up to some of our favorite places? Does that work for you? And I go, yes, that's claim a spot. And even after all of that, I'm going to put my second slice of bread on there and fairy dust and say, you know, Tom, I'm so glad we had this conversation. Thank you so much. Right. I love where we've landed. Thank you so much for taking the time. I love you. Crazy, right? And if it didn't go so well, I'm going to say something along the lines of, thank you so much for taking the time. I know this was hard for both of us. Us, Right. I'm just kind of accenting what is true, what is the reality of what it is we just experienced? And I'm going to affirm that as we come back to this conversation and continue to explore what both of us need out of the situation. We're going to find a way through. I love you. Right. And that's going to ensure that the fourth C happens, which is continue the conversation. You might need to listen to this episode a few times. Okay. I know there's a lot that we've just thrown at you and that's a beautiful thing about having it recorded. You can come back and listen again and again and again. So as that settles in, we're going to take a quick break and then we're going to come back with a little bit of fun. Right. And it's going to be, I'm going to warn you, a little practice about what we've talked about, but it'll be fun. We'll be right back. Hey, babe, did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards for connection, because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and loving connection.

Yeah, you can get your cards at.

Stacy bartley.com alternative talk 1150 on AM 98.9 HD3 on HD 1150 kknw.com on the web.

Welcome back inside the Love Shack. Thomas. Stacy Bartley. Good to have you with us. We're going to step right into our follow. The fun we have cooked up. Mrs. Bartley.

Yes, yes, yes. So I know that was, that was a lot.

Threw a lot at you. Everybody take a pause.

Yeah, we're gonna have a little fun now, but it's going to be in lines of what it is we're talking about. Communication is usually an expression about how we feel. We've talked about that. And so today's Follow the Fun Moment is a little segment I call Express Yourself. And this is where I'm going to give you some prompts and I just want you to fill in the blanks. Okay. Expressing our thoughts and feelings about our loved ones does a couple of things. It validates the way I feel about somebody. Like if I to spend a few minutes there talking or thinking about the way that I love Tom, for example, and all the things that I love about him, it puts me emotionally in a different place than if I think about all the things he's done to tick me off and all the places where he's shortchanged, etc. Etc. Etc. They're going to create two very different emotional experiences. So today in our follow the fun, let's focus on the things that we love and appreciate about our person. And I get to express that. And it validates me. And I go, yeah, that is how I feel. That feels so good. That's what validation is. Right? And then as I fill in these blanks, I can also have some fun by maybe writing these down on little pieces of paper and like slipping them in his pocket or putting them on his desk or sending them with him in the car. And the writing prompts that I want to share with you today and babe, I want you to help me with these is just a fill in the blank of this express yourself. Right.

Yeah. So it might. You know, I admire you for.

Yeah, tell me what you admire me for.

Oh, so many things. Your wonderful creativity, your commitment to love me like no person has ever loved me before.

Oh, I loved that. Right. Okay. No, so here, as you're listening to this, think about what you would like to say and how that feels. I mean, even though I prompted that man, hearing it still feels really dang good, I gotta tell you. Right. And Tom, I want you to know that I appreciate it when you take care of all the details. Right. It makes me feel so safe and supported and loved when you do that because I'm so horrible at them. Right. And that's me filling in the prompt. I appreciate it when you. So what is your version of that for your person that you love? I appreciate it when you.

You might also like. You make me smile when. Because of you. I adore the way you. You always know how to. I'm proud of you.

I think those kind of ran together. So those are all different.

Yeah, those are all separate. If you.

I admire you. Four is one. I appreciate it when you is two. You make me smile when is three.

Because of you is four. I adore the way you is five.

And you always know how to is six.

And lastly, I'm proud of you because.

Because I'm so proud of you because we're still here, we're serving, we're doing this work. I love that. And so I want you to fill in these blanks for yourself. You know, I. You can do these as an individual experience. I want you to know that I admire myself for. I appreciate myself when. Or I can give this to my loved one. And if you're going to do it for a loved one, then fill this out. And then, gosh, if you can slip them little notes, right, you got a whole week's worth of notes right here that you can slip to them for each day, right?

And if you really want to put it on steroids, share it face to face. Share it face to face. Look your partner, especially someone, your spouse, your husband, your wife in the eyes.

And for those of you witty ones out there in the listening audience, that goes, hey, that's kind of like fairy dust.

You're right, exactly.

We're arming you with a little bit of fairy dust when you sit down and have that difficult conversation.

And I can promise you and assure you 1000% it never gets old on the receiving side or on the facilitation and giving side.

Absolutely. So listen, if you're not already on our fun list, I'm going to encourage you to go on over to our website when you're done here listening and get on that fun list. Because not only do we have a lot of fun on that list, we also do some giveaways once a month for our subscribers to that fun list. So go on over and get on.

Absolutely. And lastly, the last part of our show, which is the. I don't know, maybe every part's the favorite part. But, babe, what are we feeling this week and why is it that you always have an incredible song or we both always have a song for our show?

Well, because music helps us feel. And as we had stated in the beginning of this episode, you know, our work is very much centered around that human navigation system, which is our emotional body and our physical body. And music helps us feel. And so each and every episode that we do, we have a song that helps us feel what it is we're trying to impart through our teachings and through our trainings. And today, the song that we have selected is a song called Words. I mean, could that not be more perfect Words? Because we're talking about communication and the words that we use. And this song is by Anthony David and India Irene. And I love what they say. And this is what caused or prompted me to choose this and select this for our episode today is the word say. I can't tell you anything that you've not already heard, which is so true. Right. In our relationships, we've heard it all before. But no matter what I say, it's nothing but words. And I want to impress upon you that words and the way we stack them and use them makes all the difference in the world. It's not the words themselves. Just prove to me that what I feel is real. Let me express to you the way that I feel. And that's what communication is for, is the expression of how I feel. That's what brought us together. That's what connected us. And that's also what's going to see us through. And that's why Fairy Dust is so powerful. So you can check out this week's song along with all of our songs from our past episodes by going to our website and subscribing to the song Spotify playlist. Right. There's songs that are designed to help you feel and understand the teachings and frameworks that we're sharing with you here inside the Love Shack through music.

Absolutely.

I love that part.

You can. You know what? I always, I know I say this sometimes. Listen to the. To the song first, then listen to the episode. Try that out. See, let us know how it goes. So that's it for time to land this episode.

Yeah, you betcha. And if by chance you have a conversation about love, sex and relationships that you would like to hear us have, you can go to our website and let us know because we want to have the conversations that are going to impact your life.

And I would just want to say thank you so much for those listeners that are helping us spread our show. Thank you so much. Our downloads are going up. We so appreciate you and what you're doing and help spreading the word because it's our goal to help as many people out there create more moments and more relationships filled with a lifetime of love.

Come on back next week and join us as we share additional ways to help you improve your love, sex and relationship journey where Tom and Stacy Bartley, the host of Love Shack, live along with our awesome engineer, Eric Ryder. It's been a pleasure to share this time with you today. Now go practice. Like listen to this. We'll be back here next week with you.

See you later. Bye bye now.

Thanks for joining us today in the Love Shack. We hope you keep came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week.

You don't have to go home, but.

You can't stay here. Come back next week though and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.