#73: Surprise! I Wrote A Book About How To Ensure A Lifetime Of Love

Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.

Hey, welcome to the Love Shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and ease, drop on juicy conversations and discover the things that matter most in our relationships and have some some fun along the way. This is episode number 73, and I have a big surprise for you. Like, surprise. I wrote a book about how to ensure a lifetime of love. And today, right here in the Love Shack, I'm going to share with you chapter one of my upcoming book. And it just so happens to be released on my birthday, March 30th. And if you're thinking, oh, that was planned, I'm going to say, yeah, it was totally planned that way.

Absolutely. Very exciting. This is a long time in the making. This is very, very exciting. Most of us realize that relationships are hard work. Sometimes it can feel like the effort you're putting in isn't changing a darn thing. For most couples, it seems like half the time we're fighting, the other half of the time we're bored. Maybe we'd even say our relationship feels dead.

So the name of my book is Feeling like your marriage is dead. And I chose that title. And believe me, there has been so many thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of conversations about the title of this book. And I chose this title because there's some things that we need to be begin to explore after doing this work for so long. And a lot of it has to do with our beliefs around how relationships are supposed to go and marriage and what it's going to give us. So it's time to change how we think about our relationships. They're not just something that happened to us. There's something that we create. And with the right mindset, you can have a loving relationship that will last and last. But love is not something that we find or we are given. It's something that we learn to do. And it's about learning to love yourself. And for those of you out there who go, ah, I was one of those people, so I get it. By learning to love ourselves, we're going to show you how we're not going to just leave you hanging. But we do need to learn to love ourselves first because it involves our ability to give something to our partners and we've got to step out of this place where the person that I'm loving doesn't love me back because of obligations that get in the way. And those obligations have been taught to us as a relationship requirement that gets passed down from generation to generation.

So this sounds all great in theory, but how do we actually go about doing this? Mrs. Bartley?

Well, in my new book, I'll outline the exact steps you need to take to create and revive your relationship to ensure a lifetime of love.

So hi, we're Tom and Stacy Bartley and we help committed couples rescue their relationship so they can finally create long lasting love without having to spend hours analyzing their past, beating themselves up or feeling like they are making no progress. We do this in a number of different ways by sharing our unique frameworks, teaching new skills and courses in our one on one sessions. And our signature courses are Relationship Rescue and Life. Love for a Lifetime.

For a Lifetime.

Love for a Lifetime. Lifetime of Love. We say that interchangeably today in the.

Love shack we're going to be talking about Chapter one which is all about how we've been told many lies about love and relationships and how those lies have totally misguided us when it comes to creating the kind of relationships that can stand the test of time. After this quick break, we're going to come back and we are going to dive into chapter one because it's time that you too know what those lies and myths are and what marriage can do for you as a person and as a couple. So stay with us. We'll be right back.

I met Stacy and Tom about two years ago. I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless. I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success. With Stacy and Tom's methods. I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit holing. I was separated from my wife for a year and I have since moved back home for the last six months. Now I still refer back to a lot of the teaching that Stacy and Tom provided and it's helped me. It's well worth it.

Learn the simple three step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Stacy's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to StacyBartley.

Are you ready to venture off the beaten path? Expand your mind, raise your consciousness and open your heart. Allow me to entice you with interviews with amazing souls from around the world. Indulge in history, mystery science and spirituality. There's weekly skin tips, live esoteric readings and answers to life's burning questions. So come join me, Sakura, your host intuitive medium and spirit spiritual hypnotherapist. Each Wednesday at 2 to 3pm right here on KKNW for Love from the.

Hip, this is Nathan Mum and Mike Ruday from techtime with Nathan Mum. Hey, Mike. It's been a couple of weeks now and we're on Kixie and on kknw. What do you think about this great relationship? I think it's fantastic.

It is.

You know what? I can't believe the excitement that we've gathered with our techtime radio show. We're so excited to be broadcasting it out all over everywhere. And of course you can still always listen to it on KKNW 1150 Saturdays from 4 to 6pm and on Thursdays from 6 to 7am don't miss out on the best technology news without having to geek out.

I think it's fantastic conversation you won't.

Find on the rest of the dial. Alternative Talk 1150.

Welcome back. Episode 73 Inside the Love Shack. Great to have you with us. We're Tom and Stacy Bartley. We've got our engineer at the helm, Mr. Eric Rider. And just a quick reminder, if you're driving or listening and you know what, you're wanting to write some things down because I'm a huge podcast person, I do this. We want you to realize or want you to remember, don't. You don't have to worry about anything. We do our daughter, wonderful daughter, Brooke. Thank you, Brooke. We love and appreciate you. Spends a lot of time putting together very comprehensive notes as well as we now transcribe every, every episode that we do. So there's lots of different ways that you can revisit this material and we're especially. And then we're going to give you a place to sign up and get notified when our book comes live. We're going to do some really, really fun things the week that it's launched. So, you know, we've got you covered.

Yeah. So that's the big surprise is I have my book and it's finally ready. This has been like a five year journey. It began and I thought we were going to release this book in 2017 and then we decided to not launch it after posting it on Amazon. I have to say, kudos to my clients and the people that I have served and been privileged to and honored to work with throughout the years. They have been clamoring for me to put this in a book that they could easily share with their friends and their families and their communities and neighbors. And, and so I'm honored to have the support and the love and the encouragement and literally the pushing of. You've got to do this. You've got to do this. And so I want to tell you a little bit about the book. And today we're in the love shack. We're going to dive into chapter one. But the piece about the book that I want you to know is a little bit different from your traditional relationship book is I too. Even though that this is the work that I do, sometimes I find that they get a little wa, wa, wa. Like you kind of get into it. It starts talking about the emotional journey, and then somewhere along the line, you just kind in it, right? And it starts to kind of like feel like this etherical thing that I can't wrap my head around and knowing that I've put a lot of intention into trying to make this as practical and as. And as tangible as possible so that we can really take what it is we need to know about this emotional journey we call love, which, by the way, is going to be the most emotional journey you are ever going to be on. Like, it is the most emotional experience for us human beings that I, up to this point in time, have found is available to us in this lifetime. And so it's sometimes challenging to talk about because it can kind of get lost in the, you know, the etherical spiritual part. So the book is very much laid out where I get to share my story, primarily my personal story. Also, as we get towards the end of the book, it's. It's how Tom and I came together. And it was the inspiration for the work that we do and the passion that we have to serve the clients and community that we are privileged and honored to contribute to. And to all of you, our listeners here on this podcast, it all stems from this place where we've learned, we've grown, we've served, and now we're so impassioned about serving to you. So the story, first part of every chapter is a story. So if you just want a nice little story about love and life, right, you can read it just the first parts of the chapter. And then each chapter has a learning to love. And this is where I'm going to start diving into my baseline frameworks that if you were to come into my world, you're going to learn these because they are the foundational principles that you need to understand and know about love and relationships and the skills that are required so that at some point in time, with practice, we can gain mastery in these things. And then at the end, there's always what I call an emotional push up. And an emotional push up of every chapter is simply this. We Take what you've learned and we implement it. And I want you to think about emotional push ups like you do a physical pushup because they're very similar. We have a physical body and an emotional body and we develop our physical and emotional bodies very much the same because of the environment that we live in. So if you were going to develop your physical body, you would know that you had to have a little bit of resistance, like you had to push against something, right? You've got to lift some weights or run some miles, right? And we know it's going to be hard in the beginning and it's going to feel uncomfortable. Well, our emotional bodies are just the same, right? They can do emotional push ups and it makes us sweat and it's hard. Very similar experiences. And so that emotional pushup is implementing what it is you've just learned. So you can, you can really read the book in three ways. And I hope it's a book that you come back to again and again and again. You can be inspired by a story that's real, right? It's real life with all of its twists and turns and pitfalls. You can go through and learn the baseline frameworks that you need to know when it comes to love and relationships by learning the Learning to love sections. And then you can come back and practice. And my hope is that after you read it, you go, you know, what was that one push up that I know I need to do again? Oh, I can go back to the emotional push ups.

And for those, the push ups. So what is an example? I mean, I think most of us would understand what a physical pushup is. So that would be the practice of what you've laid out in each of those chapters.

Then one, an emotional push up. That's a really great question, sweetie. An emotional pushup is a place where I'm self reflective, where I'm exploring how this makes me feel. I'm exploring my thoughts and feelings about any given question or topic. It also might be the practice of something that might be uncomfortable. For example, you know, advocating for myself or speaking up when I know that I'm emotionally pressed. It also might be understanding that sometimes I just need to hold whatever has punched me in the gut. Like, instead of reacting to the emotion, gain the strength to just hold it for a minute. And there's some principles in the book about why that's so critically important. And it has to do with neuroscience and the way our brain processes information and my body's ability to feel things like right now. And that combination Right. Is what I call our, our human navigation system. And if we're reacting to just the emotions that happen in my life, then I'm not allowing the brain to kind of catch up and understand what's happening. And for this reason, this is why we go, ah, why did I say that? Like oh my gosh. And oh, why didn't I say this? Oh, that would have been so perfect. Right. Because the mechanism we call our brain and the ability to feel in my emotional body. Right. My body emotionally feels everything like in nanoseconds, but it takes a minute for my brain to catch up and process why I feel the way I feel. So a lot of emotional push ups are just kind of creating the understanding about what's happening in my emotional body and giving my emotional body the credit that it simply deserves.

So sometimes, if I heard you correctly, it could be the learning and practicing the power of a pause. Another time it might be potentially having a conversation that we have avoided having.

And, and we can work that out. We can do some practice and some conditioning in that department so that when difficult conversations show up and they're gonna, we know what to do next instead of panic or sit on it until we essentially redline and we can't hold.

It anymore or say things like we just shared that we met how I think all of us, fair to say, have said, gosh, I wish I wouldn't have said that. Right.

Well, and before you jump into chapter one, I, I, I've contempl is we would share this information with you and what we've come up with is I will actually read excerpts out of the book and then we'll pause for a minute and for you, our wonderful listeners, we will digest that down a little bit and talk about it and give you some additional information about the principles in the book to, to for the next several weeks, teach you what this book is about. Right. So that you can, you can take this journey with us. But I really want to start this journey with a set of an acknowledgement because you know, without Tom and this experience, this would not have happened. So it was when I met Tom that I realized a lot of things about the wisdom I had learned over the years in regards to relationships. Because up to my moment of meeting Tom, you have to know that I was an independent girl who didn't need a man. I was going to do it on my own because I had failed at relationships so many times prior. Right. Significantly, I had been married and divorced twice, pregnant at 17. I had gone through several relationships that didn't end in marriage. And when I met Tom, I was finally in the place where I. Like, I'm so done with this. And so literally, in our third or fourth conversation, I'm saying to Tom, look, I hope you don't want to get married, because that's not anything I'm going to do. So hence we start to understand the title of the book. And Tom says, you know, we're not going to have kids or anything. So, yeah, I think that's great. I'm not attached to that. Well, just so you know, fast forwarding, Tom and I are married and have been Marri for nine years. Yeah, nine years. Been together 11. And I. I say that because there has been so much that has happened to me in my work and in the people that I serve. Even though I've been doing this work since about 1997, there was so much I learned when Tom and I came together about my past. And it's extracting these things that I feel are so beneficial and helpful to our clients. So I want to start this by saying cheers and thank you so much, Tom, for coming into my life and for supporting work and supporting me and helping it come to this place where not only do we serve clients around the world, but we get to launch our very first book. And it will be the first book in a series. And I'm. I'm so grateful.

I'm so, so grateful, as my grandmother would say. Right back at you, babe. Love you very much.

Love you, too.

So we're going to start by Stacy, as she shared. Stacy is going to read and the first excerpt, burp, if you will, out of the book. And then, yeah, we'll. She'll take a pause and we'll unpack that for again. The goal we're going to do this for all the episodes in March is to give you things to take away each week and then get, you know, be part of our launch team. We really would appreciate, greatly, you know, appreciate you having step alongside of us and help us, you know, spread the word about this new book. We really. That would be awesome.

Yeah. So the purpose of this book is to solve the problems that we are facing around dead, unfulfilling, uninspired, committed relationships. It's time, in my opinion, to bring the joy, hope and delight back into our lives and the people who are in these committed relationships. Because if more people experienced this in their lives, the world would be a very better place, in my opinion. We have become a society that no longer knows how to live with the uncertainties of life and love. And it is literally killing us right now. Our mental health continues to decline at the rates of anxiety and depression and the rise of it all. Suicide is also climbing. So is emotional eating. It really has become a thing in the last 20 years along with perfectionism. As we scramble to learn how we need to do it right. And there's all kinds of searching that we do there as though there is such a thing. We expend bucket loads of energy attempting to gain some sort of certainty. We then choke the life out of ourselves and our partners. And for heaven's sakes, don't point it out so that we can talk about it. That is not what we have been taught to do. Not talking about it is our favorite way to cope with things that make us uncomfortable. It always allows us to continue to live in our illusions and have a bit of peace for just one more moment. Moment. So when it comes to love and getting all in in our committed relationships, this uncertainty unravels us faster than the idea of dying. We rush to the altar or pressure our partners to rush into it with us or else so that we can check the boxes and follow the scripts that we have been handed down from our ancestors. Meanwhile, we breathe in the false sense of security. By staying on script, it gives us a quiet to the fears that are kicking up in our hearts that we are not allowed to express. So if you don't believe me, let's just think about what we do. When it comes to this conversation of marriage, the first thing we think about doing is we throw a ten thousand to a thirty thousand dollar party with our family and friends witnessing us professing our love and devotion to each other according to whatever prescribed plan our families and clergy have handed down. We do our best to make it real. And yet, deep inside of us, and I've talked to many, we know we have absolutely no idea how this is really going to play out. We have butterflies of uncertainty because saying I do does not guarantee certainty. In the days ahead, somewhere inside of us, we feel this truth. We know we have no idea how to navigate the days of love and uncertainty ahead. And when the celebration is over, the consummation of our marriage, if it happens at all, is for most of us at best. More fears from our human messiness begin to flood in as we begin to commingle our belongings and our life in pursuit of our happily ever after. All in all, we stand ill prepared for the success we long for. After all, what skills and understanding have we mastered on how to truly Ensure our relationships last. We stand poised at the beginning of our marriages with a marriage certificate, some rings on our fingers, and the hopeful promise of tomorrow. And oh, for heaven's sakes, don't forget the just Mary sign on the car. And off into the futures we go. Yet we wonder why divorce is happening all around us. And many of the people in our younger generation are not choosing to get married. Sadly, very often they have closed themselves off from committed relationships altogether. And let's be honest, who can blame them for this? They can see through the bs, but they too have no idea how to do what to do different instead. So they choose to avoid it completely while thinking that is the smartest, less painful route to take. I want to point out here something. If we remain single and unattached to others, and that was truly the answer to our lives and happiness when it comes to relationships, wouldn't it be fair to say we would be getting happier as a a society? Happier as we avoid commitment and avoid sharing our hearts with one another. We do not indeed become happier as we look around by avoiding the creating of love and relationships in our lives. A worldwide pandemic has drove this point home. The mental health crisis stemming from both quarantine and self imposed isolation from others and the rigors that this has brought into our families, into our lives has sent our ment health of anxiety, oppression, oppression, depression, anxiety skyrocketed. We are struggling right now to feel connected and we are seeing epidemic results of doing so. So that cannot be the answer. So what are the answers? Right. And I bring this to light only to highlight and to showcase the fact that, that there are some things that we need to start telling the truth about. And I can guarantee you, as we start digging into these and we are right here, in just a few minutes, there are going to be a lot of emotions that are going to come up for you. Around marriage, around our scripts, around our narratives, around what works and what doesn't. But in order for us to evolve and become better at relationships as a whole, we've got to tear the band aid off and we've got to talk about the. These things.

Yeah. So why is it that you think, you know, I. We've had thousands of conversations around this. This seems to be a fairy tale. And again, we all love a good story. Why is it that literally around the world, whatever that cultural, you know, belief and, and custom is to come together and celebrate two people coming together and committing to each other? As the story basically goes, they live. How do they live happily ever after. And absolutely that's possible. But it's almost as if by going through this process, this ceremony day celebration, that's a guarantee.

Yeah, but is it possible really? So they live happily ever after? I mean, like, like even that phrase, is that really reality? And this, I think has to do a lot with why it is we feel like when we bump into challenges and problems in our relationships, we start to begin that we've doing, we're doing it wrong or there's something wrong with me or, or something's amiss because we've been taught that we are supposed to live happily ever after if we get it right. And I want you to know that having ups and downs in relationships, like having emotional pain and upset and frustration is a normal, natural part of our experience as human beings. Like, there is no way you're going to get around that. I want you to know that. Because without knowing that and buying into the happily ever after story, we tend to start thinking things like, there is something wrong with me, there's something wrong with my partner, there's something wrong with my relationship. And I believe it's that fairy tale story that sends us to believe those types of things, among others. But happily ever after? Yes. Can we be happy? Yes. Can we have moments of enjoyment and incredible, what I call toe tingling relationship happiness? Oh my gosh, yes. Is there fulfillment there? Yes. But to expect that, that's going to be the experience all of the time. That's the part where the lie begins. Weekends.

Well, and I would say perhaps, and you correct me if wrong, babe. You know, one of the main intents of this book, as I know there are, there are several or more than several, is to help people, maybe redefine what happily ever after means. Meaning just as if and if, you know, I go oftentimes to the athletic journey an athlete expects and understands, he or she must press upon and break that muscle down to become stronger. Stronger. Right. So these places where we are not living, living happily ever after in that moment are all designed to help us become stronger and become better lovers.

I also want to point out with this wonderful analogy which I think is beautiful. An athlete also that knows that they want to become an athlete. If they show up at a competition after doing everything that they felt like they needed to do, and they compete and it doesn't necessarily go the way they had hoped. You know, let's say they wanted to take, you know, one of three places. I, I have lots of athletes in my family, so I want to at least play in the place in the top three. Right. And let's say you place number five. You know, what's unfortunate about love is that we think that if we don't place in the first spot, that there's. It's all for naught. And an athlete. Let's place this fifth isn't going to just throw their arms up in the air. They're going to say, okay, what worked and what didn't. And then I'm going to retool, and I'm going to. To switch it up a little bit and I'm going to come back and I'm going to compete for the top three. It's always the top three to get into. But even when it doesn't go that way, you know, there's many people who are celebrating being in the top 10, right. Because that, for them, is their personal best. That's a huge statement in the world of athleticism. My personal best. And they're taught to own that and explore that and celebrate that my personal best might be placing in the top 20. 20. My personal best might be top, you know, placing in the top, you know, 30. And yet when it comes to the experiences of love, it's like, if I'm not in number one position, then I guess I just throw my arms in the air and I give up. And that is so not true. Again, that's a myth. That's a lie. And unfortunately, oft times, we rely on marriage and the institution of marriage to save us and ensure that we are guaranteed number one position. And we think that if we check all the boxes and do it correctly and get married right, according to the principles of my family and my religion, that I will be insured number one, top position. And then I know, for me, that was my story. That was very much where I come from. And when that doesn't happen, then we're left with, well, what do I do next? There is no personal best. We don't think of it in that term. Right. Like, okay, and now let's retool. But I want you to know that's absolutely possible that retooling this work, this didn't. Okay. When it comes to the emotional experience of love is absolutely possible. There's just not many people sharing with you how to do that evaluation and celebrate. Okay, you did a great job. Oh, my gosh, look how far you've come. Okay, let's go again. Being in the top 20 is amazing. Let's go again. Let's go again. And if I were to stay with that mindset, then Eventually I would be in the top three, just like an athlete.

Yeah. So it's really, really allow yourself to marinate again. This is probably going to say or could potentially sound, you know, not familiar and it doesn't most of the time when people come and work with us. But the more just like anything, the more that you allow and be open and just have it marinate, the more that our experience tells us in working with our clients that it does start to make sense. But more importantly, not only makes sense, but allows you to make changes in your life effectively and more easily.

Yeah. The reality is that certainty, like any fear that we face head on can become overcome by gaining understanding. Like if we understand something that then we're not so afraid of it anymore and we can develop emotional strength through practice. Practice. And oftentimes we don't make that connection. The practice of emotional strengthening is a very real thing. So we can discover that uncertainty actually can be a huge gift. Because let's be honest, when we step in and we say I do, and we move in together and we start building a life together, there's a tremendous amount of uncertainty there. And this uncertainty does not need to be be the scary monster that we believe it to be, that it can actually be a huge gift. We don't need a guarantee of happiness as much as we need to remove the smothering list of obligations and the damaging tendency we have towards manipulation in our relationships. And we've been taught these and we've wielded them and we've practiced them and this is what we know to do when we don't know what to do in our, our emotional experiences, in our relationships. We need to give ourselves permission to be ourselves, number one. That's why loving yourselves and building a relationship with yourself is so important. And we also need to give ourselves permission to feel the way we do and then in turn provide our partner the same permission during our time together, however long that may be. And that seems like a really difficult proposition. And right now, if I had to guess, you're heading head is probably spinning. So as you take a big breath. Right. I want to point out that currently many of these social and religious narratives are being questioned because they promised outcomes to our relationships and to our lives that are not holding true. And I want to share some of those with you so that right now, in this moment, you can explore those with inside of yourself. Like, okay, get ready, you're about to do an emotional push up. I love what the author and motivational speaker Leo Pascalia said Many of us are pawns in a game of love that we don't understand. And that's so true. So common narratives that promise marital happiness and bliss, they, they include these, the prospect of permanence. Like, think about it, if we're married, oh, we're good, that's a done deal. That's, you know, you know what comes to your mind when you think about that.

Yeah. Forever.

Forever. Forever. We also believe that marriage is better for the kids. Like, Right. If you're going to have kids. In fact, I remember you saying that to me when you and I first came together. I said, you know, marriage is totally off the table. It's like, we're not going to be having kids, so we don't have to venture down that. So that shows what you believe to be true about marriage. Right. Marriage must happen if we are going to have children. Children. And I want to just point out none of these are right or wrong. But just look at what we have been taught and believe might be true about the guarantee of marriage. Self sacrifice for the benefit of others is important. We would say, okay, that's what's required of marriage. If we think about the ceremony, you know, we kind of say, I'm going to practice and sacrifice myself for you and I'm going to do everything I know how to do to make you happy. Happy. And you're gonna look me in the eyes as you should right now, and you're gonna do the same for me, right? Yes, of course. And then so we go, oh my gosh, this is gonna work out, like, amazingly without realizing. What you don't know, you don't know is that's the beginning of breakdown right there. Like, there is no sacrifice of self that we can give of ourselves that's going to make our partners happy. Like that in and of itself, itself is a lie. We need to be good providers and we can only do it if we're married. Maybe, maybe it's important to abstain from sex before marriage. That's a big one. Like, if everything else falls away, for gosh sakes, make sure you adhere to this one. That was certainly the paradigm that I came from. Okay, what is it going to give you? What does it give the relationship we? Have we ever been brave enough to ask that question? If I abstain from sex until I am married, what is that going to give my relationship? What does it give your relationship? For those of you who, who bought, you know, made that a principle, right? What did it give your relationship? What do you believe it gave your Relationship. And I firmly believe there are pros and cons to that. But do we ever just really explore the question? Question, how about this one? Problems mean we're doing it wrong, so don't disclose them. If I feel like there's something is happening in our relationship and I don't know how to handle it, don't be the problem. And for heck's sakes, it's just going to pass. So don't disclose them so that we could potentially do something different. Someone makes the money is the common narrative. And if I'm the one making the money, and it doesn't even need to be gender specific, I see this in gay relationships as well. If somebody's making the money, then the expectation of the person that's making the money is you're going to do everything else. Right? Even if both of us are working and I make the majority of the money, I think you should be doing everything else. Let's be honest, like just an opportunity to explore. And for heaven's sakes, if you're happy, don't say so.

If you're. And if you're unhappy, don't say so.

On both sides of that. Just think about the dichotomy of that. If I'm happy, I can't say so good job. We're just doing it right. And I'm. I'm not telling you you're doing a job and letting you know what works. I'm just saying, okay, this is good. This is to myself. I, I don't never tell you, right? So you would have no idea what's working and why it's working and why I'm happy and happy and everything's okay. But heaven's sakes, yes. If I'm unhappy, don't go disclosing that because we don't want to talk about that either. And this one I love. I was born and raised and steeped in this one. Families need a leader, a person who makes all of the. The decisions. Is that really true? Right? Is that what a love partnership relationship, committed relationship, couple relationship is? There's has to be somebody who has the ultimate say and the ultimate decision maker in the situation. I can tell you right now that if you believe that you're going to have a lot of fights and you probably already do. So unfortunately, those are not good promises. Like those promises of marriage. I mean, they, they don't carry out on creating the happiness and bliss that we are hoping to experience in our relationships. Unfortunately, what we find and what I find and what I experienced Personally is as we open up to discussing the realities that marriage gives us. The results that are identified for marital bliss are instead common experiences of these. Right. And I want you to share some of them too.

Sure. Feeling stuck. Stuck. How many of us have felt stuck? I sure have.

I'm stuck. Here I am married, I got three kids and a mortgage and I'm unhappy and I can't say anything about it. And I'm supposed to be the leader, but I'm not even quite sure how to do that.

Next, one might to consider stagnation. Again. We know from, from an energetic, you know, the way our universe is designed, there is no place of neutrality. I mean we're either. The universe is the most dynamic soup amongst. We're all swimming in. So there is no stagnation. As much as we like to kind of just hang out, it doesn't happen.

But we feel stagnation. We feel like we kind of get into a routine and a pattern and we go through the motions of life. We check the boxes, you know, I'm going to fix dinner, I'm going to go to work, you pick up the kids, you know, remember to take the trash out on Wednesday. And things become very box checking. And that emotional experience that we face, felt in the beginning, which brought us together to build this life together, has become very stagnant.

And next one is overwhelming obligations.

There's an overwhelm of obligations which you need to know. Obligation really cripples us when we feel like we're obligated to do something and there's no space or permission to choose in. Oh my gosh, it's crippling to us as human beings. Things. And then of course, if we don't want to play in that world of obligation, then there's a tremendous amount of judgment and criticism that follows. You're going to be the, the person that's blamed and shamed for, right? Not adhering to the script or the program or checking the boxes. In full disclosure, I was that person. I choked the life out of my second marriage because I had to do it right. I had to do it perfect. And I was, I was not going to have anybody messing with that program. And so the clamps went down, the obligation went up, the have to's and shoulds were off the chart. And guess what happened? My husband went missing. For good reason, for absolutely good reason. He could not sustain a sense of well being in the pool of obligations.

And then feelings of discomfort with personal expression that could be verbally and sexually, they go away.

They're shut down, they're non existent, right. As I adhere to the script and check all the boxes, the cessation of talking until we fight or someone succumbs is a real thing. I'm not going to talk to you until you see my way or you figure it out or you pull it together, etc and taking our frustrations out on our kids is very much a part of this whole thing because we have no work else to go with it. So the kids start to pay a huge price for what's not working in the relationship of the couple.

Developing coping patterns that hurt our relationships.

We're all going to cope. We're all going to do what we need to do to feel a little bit better. Which means I'm going to start overworking or over exercising or over volunteering or becoming lost in the kids or some of the others, like popping some pills or drinking or over shopping, you know, these all come from the same emotional place. Place. And then we're striving always and forever in our mind's eye to get back to the best days of our life, which is our wedding day. So for some of us, like that was the best day of our lives. And we're constantly striving to get back to those moments where we were dating, we were coming together, we were first married, we were, you know, building a life together. And we're looking for answers on how to do it right now. Unfortunately, this leads us to make up some terrible stories when this doesn't go well. Well, and these terrible stories are stories about ourselves and our partners. And looking back over my own life, I can now see the reality that when the marriage narrative didn't work out well for my parents, as promised, they believed it was because they had had sex before they got married. And let me just break that down a little bit. I was married at the age of 17 and pregnant. My mom had said sex before she got married. And she believed that this was the reason why her relationship didn't work. She did not adhere to that principle. And so when it comes to a loving mother who wants to help her daughter have happiness in the relationship, in the world of arena of relationships, she was adamant that you don't have sex before marriage. And unfortunately for me and her and my unborn children, we could not have a conversation about sex. The only thing that was talked about is you don't have it. So when it came to becoming curious about sex, which is normal, which is a developmental piece about becoming a human being, that's biological and Neurological related to us developing. Who do you think I went to for advice? My mom? No, no, that didn't happen. I went to my best friend Didn't. And my best friend had really great advice. Her advice was, oh, don't worry about that. Just douche after you have sex. You'll be fine. Okay, that makes sense. Not knowing what I didn't know, I bought into that and go. I guess that kind of makes some sense. Ironically, her and I both became pregnant in the same year our junior year of high school. Okay, so we do these things unknowingly, like we. And in our box. Checking. Right. My mom believed that she was sincerely helping me become a better person in relationships by making sure that you don't have sex before marriage. Because she believed that that's what messed up her relationship and why she wasn't happy in love. And so, of course, you can see the intensity of that being passed down to me. And as I keep looking back, the crazy part is that nobody is successful with this narrative, like very few people are. Success successful with all the beliefs and points of view that need to happen in order to create this magical thing called a marriage that lasts forever. It's like the Santa Claus story. And at some point, we need to realize it's an ideal. It's not a place that we arrive at or stay, because even if we experience it, the evolution and the journey of life, life is going to be such that there will be ebbs and flows. So I just need to say this. Let me be clear. I'm not suggesting that marital happiness is not possible, but rather that highlighting the institution of marriage does not ensure happiness. And in fact, we now know it often suffocates it. So the truth is, love is temporary and we never own it or anyone. And for that matter. And we come into this world alone, and we. We will transcend it alone as well. And we have been told many lies around love and relationships that we need to start telling the truth about. You said you wanted to say something.

Oh, Big gulp there. No, I mean. And so just as we. As we kind of start to land this first episode, and I'm sure we've shared some things that, again, we're not taking a position. Just want to remind you, we're simply helping. Helping us open up the dialogue and narrative around the story that oftentimes we're terrified to have. And some of these lies and myths that we've been told are true. Love is forever love.

Yeah, that's not true. There are many, many love stories that were true love and they didn't last forever for a multiple of different reasons. So we need to let that one go.

Another one that we hear often, find your soul mate and everything will work out out for you.

That's not true either. A soulmate often times is a person who is very similar to you. And so there's no growth and progression. There's often very rapid breakdown.

And the last one is the one for you. Just knows how to love you.

That one is my favorite right there, babe. Because the truth is we don't know what we don't know. And I may love the pants off of you, but I may not know what you need. Truly.

And we say in teaching our body work, it's up to us to teach our partner how to love us. And I know that may sound like what you guys have really lost it. I'm not sure if you're. Whatever you're drinking on that toast, but. No, for real. It's up to us. How many times from the male side of the perspective not to be so missed. But I can't read her mind or I can't read his mind mean we're not mind readers. So if we can specifically tell and teach our partners how to love us, then that's going to probably give us a much better chance to have a lifetime of love. Love.

I also want to point out where that place is the responsibility. Like if I'm waiting for my person who I hope loves me, if I'm waiting for them to know how to love me and I make it up, that love is they know how to love me, that's going to be a disaster. Because they're not going to know how to love you until you disclose that they're going to love you in a way that they want to be loved right instead. Because that's all they know. And so. So it's putting the responsibility of you being able to take the responsibility on of discovering what it is that makes you feel loved and what it is you need in a romantic relationship and not blaming the other person for their inability to love you. Have you disclosed it? Have you asked for it? Have you spent any time like exploring it for yourself? Can you articulate what it is you need and want? Can you teach them how to do it? It that is going to be what's required for you to become a good lover and to teach your lover to do the same. And you can see in just what I said that if they're not open to learning that that's going to be A problem. And if I don't know what it is, that's going to be a problem. And these are oft times the things that break down the most incredible. Two people that love each other deeply, they just cannot figure out how to get their needs met.

Well, again, again. So when we say you have to understand and love yourself, really what that means in, in practical terms is we have to be able to put our feelings and emotions into a language that we first understand and then be able to articulate that and think about it. When the heck has anyone ever shared that with you? And more importantly, when have you ever spent some time and dove into that and, and, and practice it? It's, it's a, it's an ever evolving dynamic thing that's going to constantly change for the rest of our lives. Hence why this needs to be practiced and focused upon. Because who I was when Stacey and I came together 11 years ago is much different than who I am today. So that script is always changing in myself and Stacy's script is always changing within herself. So we each have to become constantly and committed to become better and better and always be sharing and open to what's going on inside of ourself and articulate that to each other.

I'll leave you with this thought. We become better at love and relationships just like we do anything else in our life lives. By doing it over and over and over and over again, we become masterful at the things that we continue to do in our lives. And that is so true when it comes to our relationships. We just don't think about it like that. So I know we've given you a lot to think about right now we're going to take a quick break and when we come back we're going to have a little bit of fun because we need to have a little bit of fun along on this journey as well. It's going to be time for our giveaway way and listen, if you have questions or comments about anything that we've shared with you here today regarding this chapter one, we would love to hear from you. And you can also go to. You know this better than I do.

Stacybartley.com right there. You'll see to leave us a message. And we have an awesome piece of technology and it's really easy. You can leave us a message, you know what, and just say, hey, well, I think you guys are off your rocker or I need more clarity. And at the end of the episode we're going to tell you where to go to just get on A list.

Why don't you just tell them now?

Oh, yeah, you can go to lifetimeoflove Me. Lifetimeoflove Me. And then you'll get on our list and then we'll keep you abreast and remind you when we go launch live on day one, which is Stacy's birthday, which is March 30, and that would.

Be to get on our book list. So get on our book list and you can get all kinds of bonuses and resources that nobody else will have access to by getting on this list. So you can go there again. It's what, honey?

Lifetimeoflove.com me.

So we're going to take a quick break and we're going to come on back with a giveaway. Let this settle in. It's going to be okay. Be right back. Hey, babe, did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV, and surfing. Surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.

I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards, for connection, because they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on a couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old fashioned laughter and loving connection.

Yeah. You can get your cards@staceybartley.com an alternative.

To everything else on your radio dial. Alternative Talk 11, 15, 50.

Hey, welcome back. And guess what? It is the first week of the month. And so every first week of the month, we do a giveaway. And we're going to give away some of our conversation cards because it's been such a requested item. People who have won them have loved them. And so we thought, okay, well, we'll give.

If you're watching right now, Stacy's holding up a box of our conversation cards. If you're listening, you can see what they look like. You can go to our website and. But they're really cool. They're literally a box. All you need to do, put your electric electronic device down, pull out a card, answer the question, and look at your partner and. And then give that same privilege to your partner as well. It's pretty sick and really powerful.

Sorry, honey, I didn't mean to talk over you, but I was just going to say this is where we get to include our incredible engineer behind the scenes, because we just want you to know it's random. We don't stockpile these giveaways. And so he's going to pick a number between 1 and 100. Eric, what's your number today?

Oh, good question. Well, it's March. When we think of March, we often think of the ides of March. Right. Which I think is the 15th. So how about we go with 15?

15. Okay. For those of you who are on the list, I just want you to know Eric typically errs on the side of less than more. Which gives you a real clue in regards to if you get on the list list, you're likely to get picked.

Smaller number versus a higher number. Okay, what is. Who's number 15?

1, 2, 3, 4. Okay. I love. I love the. The last name. It's Jenny Shack. And that's all I can tell you. But Jenny Shaq. Oh, my gosh, that's. You've won. You've won a box. Incredible cards. And we will email you, reach out to you, get your physical address so that we can send you your cards. If you're not on our fun list already, I'm going to encourage you to go get on there. We do lots of fun things. I tell you what, in addition to these giveaways, so sad that we're done.

As we land us, we have a we. You know, we always. We give you what we feel is the heart of the matter, you know, and then we gotta have some fun. And then what do we. We. What are we feeling when. This is an incredible song. Song, you know, I said, baby, you got to come up with this one. I mean, this is. This is your deal. This is your book. This is your big day. And when I heard this song, I said, Stacy said, I need your undivided attention. Last night she called me out. It was myself next to her and our coon dog, Jiggy. All three of us with a blanket.

Yeah. Sitting on the couch.

Sitting on the couch.

It was. It's. It's hard to find a song that will articulate the fact that sometimes the things that we've been taught in our relationships are very tales. And that some of the things that we've built some of our lives and relationships on are sometimes not foundationally sound. And I know that was certainly my experience when I realized that even though I did it all perfect in my second round of marriage, it still didn't provide the happiness that I was expecting it to by adhering to all the principles and precepts that I had been taught. And that was a really disappointing moment. And that was a moment where I said, okay, I've Got to start searching and looking for more because goes, this isn't it either, right. I felt like I'd screwed it up in the beginning. And so that drove me to go, okay, we're going to get this perfect and do it right next time. Only to find myself kind of at a different place, but at the same feeling of, oh my gosh, it didn't work either. Now what? And I. I had no idea, right, what that was going to look like. And a lot of the things that I was taught and the precepts and teachings I thought marriage and doing it right was going to give me were lies and illusions that were continually to be propag. And I don't think it's of ill intent. I think it's just because we don't know what else to turn to. And so in finding that song today, I finally landed on a casting crowns song called Broken Together. Now, the song is perfect, in my opinion, and it's such a beautiful song. I so encourage you to listen to this.

And a really powerful video as well.

It is. I would encourage you to listen to it on YouTube, but you can also pick it up on our Spotify playlist that you can gain access to on our website. We gave a song to every single episode because we want you to feel the essence of what it is we're talking about as well. And the words of this song really kind of say it all. And the song opens by saying, what do you think about when you look at me? No, we are not the fairy tale or dreams to be. You wore the veil, we walked the eyes you took my hand we dove into mystery. It's going to take much more than a promise this time. And that's usually where we find ourselves in our relationships and in our marriages primarily, is, gosh, we feel like we've done it all so well. I mean, like, I really believe 100% of the time we are all bringing the very best to the table that we know how to deliver and serve up. And in this, I hope that you find some comfort and in this song, because the song ends in saying, maybe if we just be broken, maybe if we just find the way to share what it is we need to share about what's working and what is working in our relationship. We can find a way through. And that is so true. That is so true. That is the journey that lies ahead. There are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationships. That's just the reality of it. And we need to start telling the truth about that so that we can grapple with it first of all and then we can learn, learn some things that will take us to a better place.

Yeah, I would say absolutely. I mean if it remember the subtitle is is, you know, a lifetime of love. So we are absolutely, we are passionate. This is what we do, ladies and gentlemen, is because we are designed and wired to be closely connected, you know, with a special someone or special someones. Again, relationships are the most where all the regret comes at the end of our our life. The things we didn't say, the time we didn't take. So let's understand what's required so we can truly experience it in whatever way works for you.

Again, check out this week's song along with all of our other songs.

Check out go to that link lifetimeoflove me and get on our list and we're going to keep you posed. And all of our episodes are this week, this month are going to be all around Stacy's new book.

And again, give them the URL Lifetime of love Me.

Thank you so much. Thanks to our awesome engineer, Eric Rider. And we'll see you same time, same place next week.

And thank you to you, our listeners, who makes this possible. And thank you so much for helping us grow and spread the word. We so appreciate you.

We'll see you next week.

Bye bye.

Thanks for joining us today in the Lump Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to stacybartley.com podcast Love the Show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay, everybody, time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week, though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack Live with Tom and Stacy Bartley.